What are you doing? I'm studying.
Edward, your study habits are pitiful. How are you doing in school anyway?
Oh, no sweat, Dad.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting straight C's.
And with any luck, a shot at a B.
Well, that's a relief. What subject?
Wood shop.
I'm getting pretty good with shellac.
You know, I haven't colored in years.
I forgot how good I was.
Notice my use of contrast and shadowing to create the illusion of depth.
Too bad you didn't stay in the lines.
We have got to do something with Eddie.
I'm open.
Harriette, I'm worried about him.
His study habits are terrible.
Carl, it's his first semester in high school. He's adjusting.
It took him a month to settle on the right three-ring binder.
Yes, and then he went out and bought two-hole paper.
Harriette, he is in high school now.
If he doesn't get good grades, he'll never get into college.
And if he doesn't get into college, he'll never get a good job.
And if he doesn't get a good job, he'll be living here forever.
That's it. We're hiring a tutor.
I'm finished studying for the night.
Hey, grab a crayon. You can color with us.
No, thanks. I don't wanna overload my brain.
Tying your shoes overloads your brain.
Oh, yeah? I can tie my shoes with both hands behind my back.
I rest my case.
All right, everyone, it's that time again.
And will the lovely report-card lady hand me the envelopes, please?
Carl, will you just open them?
This report-card ritual is about as much fun as a root canal.
Harriette, this is a Winslow family tradition.
Now, $5 an A is an excellent incentive.
What's an incentive?
Look it up.
"Judy Winslow," come on down.
Let's see how you did.
Ooh. Two A's and three B's.
Very good.
Here is $10.
Thanks, Dad. I'm rich!
"Laura Winslow," come on down.
As usual, another excellent report card.
"English, A. Mathematics, A.
Physical education, A. Music, A.
Science, A. History, B-plus."
A B-plus? Let me see that.
I don't believe this.
I always get straight A's.
I've never gotten a B in my life.
Cool down, Laura. It's an excellent report card.
Here's $25.
I'll take it, but I'm not happy.
And now you, Edward.
Dad, listen.
Before you open my report card, there's something you ought to know.
My science teacher hates me.
Oh, and during my math exam, I got extremely dizzy.
I think I have an outer-ear infection.
Carl, it can't be that bad.
What?
Does this mean I didn't get the B in wood shop?
Come over here, son.
How did you do it?
Do what?
Eddie got straight A's.
Our Eddie? This Eddie?
Eddie Winslow?
- I can't believe it. - You can't believe it?
This is a dream come true.
Well, six A's, 5 bucks a piece, you owe me 40 bucks, Dad.
Five times six is 30.
He can't even multiply.
I got a A in math that says I can.
Uh, son, heh, I seem to be a little short.
I didn't expect to pay out this much cash.
Perhaps I can get some financial assistance from the lovely report-card lady.
If you call me "report-card lady" one more time...
...you gonna spend the night in detention.
Perhaps you'll take a check.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Rachel.
Hi, Laura.
Hi, baby.
Honey, you'll feel better if you watch TV.
Wall Street Week in Review is on.
No.
I don't deserve to have fun until I get an A in history.
It's good to see Carl's incentive program working so well.
I'll get it.
Hi, Rodney.
Hello, Mrs. Crawford. It's good to see you.
Rodney, I hate it when you do that.
Come on, it's a joke.
Rodney, don't be putting any of that fake vomit in my kitchen.
If you're looking for Eddie, he's up in his room.
Thanks.
And don't be putting any saran wrap on the toilet seats.
Hey, Rodney.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I feel kind of sick.
That was great.
Come on, let's go to the movies.
I can't. I need to study.
I really wanna keep up my grades.
Yeah, right. I guess that means you got your report card.
Pretty funny, huh?
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
What are you talking about?
You got straight A's, right?
Yeah, how'd you know?
We all got straight A's.
- Really? - Yeah.
I found a way to make fake report cards on my computer.
I mailed them out.
The real ones don't come till tomorrow.
You mean these aren't my real grades?
Not unless you had a brain transplant.
Man, I thought I was smart.
You thought you were smart?
What are you, stupid?
Dad's gonna kill me.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Rachel.
Hi, honey. I'm making cookies. Want some?
No, thanks.
Cookies will make me happy.
I don't deserve to be happy.
Got any liver?
Look, Laura, I know you feel bad about your report card...
...but you did well. You always do.
Mom, you don't understand.
Harvard, Yale or Michigan.
I don't wanna end up at the University of Bubba.
Why don't you talk to her? She won't listen to me.
You know, Laura, I got into a good college and I never got straight A's.
- Really? - Yes, because I was a well-rounded student.
I was editor of the paper, I was in the Drama Club...
...and I was in the marching band.
Hey, you're musical. How about the marching band?
Aunt Rachel, I play the piano.
Yeah.
It would be hard pushing that across the football field.
That B-plus will be hanging over my head for the rest of my life.
Oh, darn.
- What's the matter? - Tsk. Look at these cookies.
- Guess I'll have to throw them out. - Why? They look fine to me.
Not to me. Look, that one doesn't have quite enough chips in it.
Who cares? It'll still taste good.
No, if all the cookies aren't perfect, they all have to go.
But that doesn't make any sense.
You don't throw cookies out just because one...
Ohhh.
I get it. This is one of those parent tricks where you try to tell me something...
...without actually telling me something.
Did it work?
I don't know. Let me eat a few of those cookies and I'll think about it.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, honey.
Carl, that new dry-cleaner did a great job on your uniform.
They even got out the jelly-doughnut stain.
Oh. That's great. Great. But, honey, look.
Take a look at these brochures I picked up for Eddie.
With his grades, he can go to any school that he wants.
"Harvard."
"Yale."
"Columbia."
Carl, don't you think you're getting carried away with this?
I mean, Laura thought her life was over because she got one B-plus.
Harriette, she just knows the competition.
Nowadays, there's no room for average.
You either a shark or you're fish bait.
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. - Hi, baby.
There you are, son. I've been looking for you.
Look what I got for you.
Ta-da!
Oh, Dad. It's just what I've been wanting.
All for you, smart guy.
Careful with that jacket. Dry-cleaning costs a fortune.
- Dad, we need to talk. - Oh, you're absolutely right, son.
Take a look at these brochures I picked up for you.
They're from the top Ivy League colleges.
How would you like to go to Columbia?
Why would I wanna go to Colombia?
I don't even speak Spanish.
That's funny.
Keep your sense of humor. No matter how smart you get...
...people always love a man with a sense of humor.
- That's good advice, but, Dad... - Ooh! One more thing before I forget.
I ran into an old detective friend of mine who went to Harvard.
And I told him all about your good grades...
...and he's arranged for a Harvard recruiter to come talk to you.
But, of course, if you'd rather go to Yale, it's all right with me.
No pressure.
- Oh, hi, Aunt Rachel. - Hi, baby.
Oh, if you're working on your novel, I won't bother you.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm 800 pages from the end, so a few minutes with you won't hurt.
Come on.
So...
...what's on your mind?
Is something wrong?
Well, yeah.
Do you wanna talk about it?
Yeah.
Today?
Well, there was this little mistake on my report card.
A mistake?
Yeah, Rodney figured out a way to make up phony report cards on his computer.
And he gave a bunch of us guys straight A's.
Ooh.
Do you know what kind of grades you really got?
Mostly C's and a couple of B's.
Well, that sounds pretty good to me.
Yeah, but it's not good enough for Dad.
Oh. Tsk.
Well...
...what are you gonna do?
Well, I tried to tell Dad yesterday...
...but every time I did, he gave me a present.
So here's what I was thinking:
I'll study real hard and on my next report card...
...I'll get straight A's, and that way no one will get hurt.
Well, that is a plan.
Or I could just tell him the truth.
I like that plan.
I had a feeling you'd say that.
You have nothing to be afraid of if you just tell the truth.
Yeah, it'll be a lot worse if Dad finds out from someone else.
You know, Eddie, you're a lot brighter than people give you credit for.
Ooh. What's the matter with my little Richie?
He just started crying.
Well, he's either wet, hungry, cranky or tired.
So change him, feed him, tickle him and put him to bed.
Come on, my little man.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, babe.
- Where's Eddie? - He's out on the porch.
Hey, Eddie. Come on in the kitchen for a second, son.
- What's all that? - It's a personal computer system.
I bought it for him.
- Yeah, Dad? - Look what I got you, son.
Your own computer system.
It comes with all this software, a color monitor and it even has a modem.
Dad, I've gotta tell you something...
...and I don't quite know how to explain it to you.
Well, try me, son, but go slow. I'm not as smart as you are.
My report card was a fake.
I thought you said your report card was a fake.
What did you really say?
- I said, my report card was a fake. - Don't keep saying that.
Rodney did it on his computer.
He gave all of his friends straight A's.
It's a fake?
Well, I tried to tell you, but you never gave me the chance.
Dad, I had nothing to do with it.
Here's my real report card.
Eddie, this is your best report card yet.
Carl, look.
Four C's and two B's.
And no A's.
Yeah.
I guess I'm stupid.
Maybe I'm the one that's stupid.
Yeah?
Uh, it's me, son. Can I come in?
Sure.
Edward, can I talk to you?
Yeah.
Son, l...
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I let you down, Dad.
Edward, you didn't let me down.
It's just that I overreacted to the report card.
You made me proud of you by telling me the truth.
I know that wasn't easy.
This was the first time I ever got to see what it felt like to be smart.
And it really felt good.
You and Mom were proud of me.
And I was even looking forward to going back to school on Monday.
But now it's back to being stupid Eddie.
Son, look at me.
You are not stupid.
You may be a little undisciplined at times...
Well, no, let's face it, you're very undisciplined.
But, son, you're not stupid.
You've just convinced yourself that you're not smart.
I get a lot of help from Laura.
Well, now, don't worry about your sister.
Edward, you just brought home your best report card ever...
...and there is no doubt in my mind that you can do even better.
You really think so?
Son...
...I believe that you can do anything you want...
...if you work at it.
I wouldn't be pushing you so hard if I didn't think so.
You know, son...
...your grandfather and I never went to college.
We wanted to...
...but it just didn't work out that way.
I guess the reason why I got so carried away...
...was because I want you to be the very first Winslow ever...
...to come home with a college degree.
Well, I wanna go to college too.
And I know how important it is to get a good education.
And I hear that college babes are really fine.
Well, you keep trying and you'll find that out for yourself.
I'm proud of you, son.
You did good.
Thanks, Dad.
And it's, "You did well."
I learned that in English class.
I stand corrected.
Dad, you weren't really serious about sending me to Colombia, were you?
You do know there's a drug war going on down there?
Son...
So how's Eddie?
Eddie is fine.
And I've decided not to put so much emphasis on grades.
So does this mean no more report-card lady?
Absolutely.
Puts too much pressure on the kids.
Besides, it was costing me a fortune.
From now on, I'm gonna let the kids go at their own pace.
No more pushing them.
There's a Mr. Stevens at the door. He says he's a recruiter from Harvard.
Oh, no, I forgot. I gotta tell him he's way too early for Eddie.
Oh, let me tell him. I wanna talk to him anyway.
About Richie? He's only 9 months old.
No, I wanna talk to him about me.
He's cute.
So Harvard, huh?