I'm just going to get some flowers, dear.
It's tulip season today and I'm so happy.
- Son of a bitch. - Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Come on now, sweetheart.
Go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.
Come on, go for a ride.
No! Freeze!
Leg down! Leg down!
That's it. Come on.
No! You monkey-eared son of a ...
You have pissed your last floor.
I'll bet you wish you were a real ...
You dog-eared monkey.
This is New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere.
Verdell?
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall?
- Have you seen Verdell? - What does he look like?
My dog. You know ... My dog with the adorable face.
- Don't you know what it looks like? - You were talking about your dog.
I thought it was that coloured man.
Which colour was that?
Thick molasses with a broad nose.
- Perfect for smelling prison food. - Frank!
- You have got to get dressed. - Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall.
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think you know that.
As long as you keep your work zipped up, around me, -
- I don't care where you shove your show.
Are we done being neighbours?
- Let me ... - No! Not worth it.
- Hope you find him. Love that dog. - You don't love anything.
One, two, three, four, five.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
- Where is he? - He had a thing with the dog.
- Ugly dog. - He's adorable.
My honey. Where have you been?
Look at my boy.
- I found him, Mr. Bishop. - We know you did.
Where was my baby?
ln the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit.
- You earned your fun, John. - It just struck me as funny.
How did he get down there? Even if he got in the elevator ...
Maybe some nice neighbour shoved him down the garbage chute.
''ln the dark she had confessed and he had forgiven.''
''This is what you live for, he said.''
''Two heads on a pillow. All is approval.''
''There is only the safety of being with each other.''
''How could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her?''
- Mr. Udall! - ''She was able to define love.''
''Love was ...''
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you. Let me do this by myself.
- ''Love was ...'' - Are you in there?
Pansy-assed stool-pusher!
Yes?
This can wait.
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well ... That's a load off.
Did you ... do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at home?
Do you like being interrupted when you're playing in your garden?
No, I turn the ringer off on my phone.
- And put a piece of cardboard ... - I work all the time.
So never interrupt me!
Not if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, -
- and one week later there's a smell from a decaying human body, -
- and you have to hold a hanky to your face because of the stench.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or if it's election night and you want to celebrate, -
- because some fudge-packer was elected the first queer president.
And he's going to have you down to Camp David, -
- and you want someone to share the moment with.
Even then, don't knock. Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
Yes. It's not a subtle point that you are making.
Okay, then.
So, now he will think twice before messing with me.
''Love was ...''
What was love?
''Love was ...''
Now I'm really pissed!
Don't touch!
Shut up! You don't intimidate me with your attitude.
I grew up in hell, homeboy. My grandmother had more attitude.
Police! Doughnut-munching morons! Help me!
Assault! And you're black!
I like Simon enough to batter you unrecognizable, -
- if you verbally abuse him or touch that dog again.
Meantime ... I'll think of some way that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day.
Party!
- Don't touch. - Get a life.
Watch it.
- Look at you. You're better. - New medication.
You know all my son's stuff? I've got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door, he says, ''I promise not to get a cough.''
- lsn't that sweet? - A little blond angel.
I said, ''You love me the way you love your remote control.''
That's great.
People that talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
- Eat up! - I've got your money.
- Pay me next week. - I owe you and I told you today.
Excuse me, Melvin.
There you go.
Pardon me. Take the money.
- Take a cab home and get ready. - Ready is not my problem.
- I'm starving. - You're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited about it than I am.
Sometimes, these kids, you just want to ...
- I've got jews at my table. - It's not your table.
You can sit at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
How much more have you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
That's it!
Let's go.
He's barred for life.
- They left. - Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says, if you ever act like this again you are barred for life.
I'm going to miss the excitement.
Three eggs, over easy.
- Sausage, bacon, fries. - Fries today?
A short stack. Coffee with cream and sweetener.
You'll die soon, with that diet.
We're all gonna die. You and I are, and it sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again ...
... you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand?
Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.
Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
Do you?
Yes ...
I'll get your order.
Wear my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting. You said it like it was nothing.
- Where's the bedroom? - This is sort of it ...
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma ...
- Maybe you better check. - What did you think I was going to?
I'm sorry. I was hearing everything ...
I put these on to give you privacy.
How was dinner?
- How was your friend? - Are you okay? Scootch over.
- Where did he take you to eat? - A nice place.
I have him ...
- One more spit? - He's waiting.
Go.
- Give me a hug. - Carol.
- Carol, I have him. - She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No! He can't take smoke.
Magic.
God! That'll teach you. I don't even notice it any more.
Come here.
- It's a little bit of throw-up. - ''Little bit of throw-up''?
What shall we do?
Shall I write down which train you take, or should we lay ...
No. I'll take a cab.
It's just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
I promised Simon I'd find him a model.
Take me offthe speaker. These are house seats.
Come on. You could use a break. Hello? Carl? You there?
Okay. I just found a model.
- Hey, boys! - I know this guy.
What's going on?
- Hi. Remember? - I only need one.
You picked me up some time ago.
- This is for a portrait. - Portrait?
Come here. I'll give you the address.
- Brad Pitt. It's the shit. - Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is it, Verdell?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was out in the studio and I ...
It's out here.
- You have great things. - Gershwin. Great, isn't he?
I make a big deal about picking models, but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts checking your résumé.
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
- What is your previous experience? - I'm running out of ideas here.
- Give me some direction. - I just watch.
Until something strikes me. Do anything you think of.
Wait until I say to hold that pose, then just try to hold it.
No direction.
What I do is, I watch.
Ever watch somebody who doesn't know you're watching them?
An old woman sitting on a bus? Or kids going to school?
Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them.
And you know it has nothing to do with anything external.
They're just sort of realer and more alive.
You look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, my God ... Hold it.
Look out.
Excuse me.
I got on the third line of dialogue.
And all of a sudden I blanked.
Clippity-clop. lgnores me.
- So he said to me, ''Last chance.'' - Last chance.
- I came back in. - Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up the same line. But guess what?
He cast me!
Just what the world needs. Another actress.
Can't live without me?
I'm finally going to ask. What's with the plastic picnicware?
Are you afraid ours isn't clean?
- It's a judgment call. - Give yourself a pep talk.
''Must try other people's clean silverware when dining out.''
- What's wrong with your son? - What do you care?
He fights to breathe. His asthma can shoot off the charts.
His immune system fails when there's trouble, so an ear infection ...
- ls this bothering you? - No.
An ear infection, anything, sends him to the emergency room, -
- where I get some nine-year-old they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting.
- His name? - Spencer.
Spence.
It's okay. Go on.
Put on anything you want.
- I might be sort of done here. - All we do is work. Let's play!
- So you're practically finished? - Yeah. There is one more stage.
- Where are you going? - No place. Just to sneak a peek.
- Verdell, you want some chocolate? - He's not allowed.
Wait! I got to take off. Do you want to say goodbye?
- Yeah. He's just got to go. - Wait.
I'm going to look at the painting.
Where are you going?
Want some water? What's the matter?
You want some water?
Simon, wait!
Why are you doing this?
No, wait ...
- That painting in there ... - Are you cruising him?
Excuse me ...
- Help me! - Come on!
Come on.
You call 91 1 and don't leave your name?
- Even a dumb geezer knows ... - Just move on. No one was killed.
Ask him.
Don't bark at me. I didn't name you.
We will. And if he can't, we'll come back and ask you.
Hey. I come from hell. My grandma has got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-1 1 for a day-old wiener.
There's a painting of one of the guys.
- I've been praying for him. - I'm on my way to the hospital.
- Just watch the dog for tonight. - No, no.
- I'm sorry. - Thanks.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him!
Get out of the way!
Even the books.
Wait!
Do you want to say no to me?
I don't want to say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this crazy. I almost want you to say no.
Thanks for looking after him.
- Hey! Where are you going? - You don't want to mess with me.
I can't take a dog. Nobody's been in here before.
Hey, Frank.
One, two, three, four ...
You're dead.
We don't have no dog food here.
You'll eat what we got. What we eat.
Don't you do anything!
Where's the trust?
Never a break.
God!
We're halfway through the show and we haven't sold a painting.
No, we can't reduce the price.
- I'm in a free fall here. - We can see him.
I'll meet you in there, okay?
Thank you.
- How are you doing, great one? - I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell from your reaction.
- That bad? - I talked to the doctor and ...
It's not that bad. The doctors say you'll be your old self again.
The scars might ... Oh, shit!
Jackie ...
Hand me a mirror, please.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
So how are things, anyway?
- How is Verdell? - Mr. Udall ... taking care of him.
- How could you? He'll hurt him. - No, I promise.
Not a chance. I own this guy. Besides, there was nobody else.
I'm always on the move and ...
Trust me.
- You are certain my dog is okay? - Yes, your dog is fine.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my!
Where did I go?
- That's your dog? - No.
What are you doing with a dog?
- Suckered in, set up. - You're not worried he'll be taken?
No, not until now.
- Sorry. - I'm going to sit here.
Hey, puppy.
It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is.
He's a little dog. If Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
To guess by your eyes ... 50.
By your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So much for eyes.
How old are you? You brought it up. I'm curious.
- Not that you're ugly. - I can take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
What's with the dark?
Dawn patrol.
My son had a full-blown attack.
And for extra fun they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
No!
It's bacon for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano for him. And he likes it.
So I decide I'm going to make a little joke.
It's a beautiful day for our walk.
Look at that dog.
I've got to give you something real good.
I'm going to show it to you.
Don't be like me.
Stay as you are. You're perfect. I'll get you something to eat.
I'd like to be treated like that.
Let's go home and do some writing.
''He had made the girl happy. And what a girl.''
''You've saved my life, she said.''
''You'd better make it up to me.''
Done! Yes, I hate the doggie.
62 books. Done.
- We have to cut back all expenses. - He has no medical insurance?
These are the food receipts, the household expenses.
- Here's one for the dog again. - I got it.
And all the laundry.
Boy, look at that. He likes it at Chez Melvin.
What are you coming over here for? I can't cook with a dog near me.
Just sit. We don't want any company. I'll read you Emerson.
- How's Verdell doing? - He's a pain in the ass.
Simon's home. Can you keep the dog until he's had a chance to adjust?
It's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.
He wants him back right away. He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay.
Hungry? Be right with you.
Mr. Udall.
Some face they left hanging on you. You look like ...
Could you take it ...
... just a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell.
Come here, my beautiful boy. Come here.
Let's go home and get well.
I can't blame him for being weird. Look at yourself in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell, come here.
I know what you want.
Where's my boy?
No, don't force him.
Over a dog!
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
- Help! - You'll make an appointment.
How can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder -
- and then act like I had a choice about barging in?
- You must leave. - You said you could help me.
- What was that? A tease? - If you take responsibility ...
- You changed the room around. - Two years ago.
I also grew a beard, but you're not interested in changes in me.
I don't have a mountain of time. I have to get to my restaurant.
Do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
I'm filling in. She might be getting a job closer to home.
- Why plastic? - What are you trying to do to me?
- What do you mean? - Look, elephant girl.
Go get Carol or something. Just have her do my one meal here.
I'll pay whatever you want.
Do it!
Bryan. Code blue.
Out! Just shut up and get out.
I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem.
Go get Carol.
I'm not a prick. You are. I'm not judging.
This day has been a disaster.
- I'm not sure if I can handle this. - Get out!
Get out immediately or there's going to be trouble.
See you.
It's about time.
- Carol's last name? - Connelly.
- Does he visit often? - Not really. Not any more.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
- What are you doing here? - This is not a sexist thing ...
Are you totally gone? This is my home.
I'm trying to keep emotion aside, even though it's important.
- I have strong feelings on this. - What?
That I wasn't there? Do you have any control over how creepy you get?
Yes, I do.
And to prove it ... I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick.
What about your mother?
- How do you know about her? - I hear you talking while I wait.
- Mom, I finished my juice. - One sec.
How are you doing?
You should answer me.
Sorry, Melvin. I can't handle you teaching my son manners.
Back to life.
What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand ...
- 104.9. - We're going on a cab ride.
Look out, you guys!
Look out. We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin! Wait!
Shut up, kids!
Give us a lift, would you?
Cover your mouth when you cough.
- Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital. - Hospital?
- Any chance you'll be back today? - No! Stay away from me.
We can't put this off any longer. I feel terrible that I have to ...
Could you just leave the dog for a second?
Sorry.
- What are those cards? - Frank thought I should have notes.
So I would maintain focus and not terrify you.
See? He's right. I need the cards.
SlMON, YOU'RE BROKE
The medical bills are 61,000 now. And the show didn't go well.
I spoke to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything.
But they'd feel strange calling you.
I can't call them. Come here, baby.
Come here.
Verdell? What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy? Well, here I am.
Happy to see me, you little mop? How about a ride down the chute?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
Sorry ...
I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?
Oh, my God!
Yes, you make us a lot of money. But it's more appropriate ...
I need this. Just say, ''Melvin, I'll try.''
- Melvin, I'll try. - Thank you.
My son just got accepted to Brown. My husband was dying.
Good, nice, thrilled, exciting. You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist. I just have so many questions I want to ask you.
You have no idea what your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be in here.
God, this is like a nightmare.
Come on. Just a couple of questions.
- How do you write women so well? - I think of a man.
And I take away reason and accountability.
- Mom! - ln here, Mrs. Connelly.
- Please, what? - I'm ...
- Tell me! - Dr. Bettes.
- Not your name. Where is he? - He's in the bathroom.
What's wrong? You know there are doctors that come to your house?
I'm home.
I didn't know you had an admirer. Oh, you met the gift.
He's good. I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, doctor?
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.
I'm to take care of this little guy because you are needed at work.
- What kind of work do you do? - I'm a waitress.
- ln Manhattan. - Dr. Bettes?
Excuse me.
- I'm sorry it took so long. - I couldn't find it, either.
Could you get this to the lab? I want it back today.
- Did you say ''today''? - Yes. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts from all the prescriptions for the year.
- The calendar. - This is a calendar of days.
- And how he felt. - Good.
- How long has he had the problem? - Since forever. Six months old.
Have they done blood tests?
- When he was well? - No.
- And how about skin testing? - No.
- No standard scratch test? - No.
They said my plan didn't cover it. Why? Should they have?
Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
- I'm sorry. - That's their technical name.
Once the tests come back, is there someone we should talk to?
Me. My home number is on the card.
His home number.
- What? - Your home ...
- Can we get you anything else? - No, thank you.
Couple of female slaves?
There's still a lot of tests I need to do.
Whatever I find out, I promise you, -
- from now on your son is going to feel a great deal better.
Doc!
That's good.
Let me know about the costs. One way or another we'll ...
The costs are going to be considerable.
But Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
That's wonderful.
Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track.
- What's wrong? - Who's going to walk Verdell?
No!
- ls he dead yet? - No.
Would there be any way you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
- Absolutely. - You're a wonderful man.
Two o'clock would be a good time. Here is the key in case he's asleep.
Open his curtains for him so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Did you learn to talk like this in a ''Sailor, wanna hump-hump''-bar?
Or is this your last shot at his whisky?
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
No! A goofy man is behind this. You can't block out that man.
Do you really want to go back to emergency, where they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives.
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like a string of pearls. You don't send this one back.
Right?
No. I do, I understand. Listen. I have to go, okay?
FRlENDS TO ASK FOR MONEY
Bye.
Bye-bye.
What a day ...
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
- Excuse me, I'm not feeling well. - This place smells like shit.
Go away.
- This cleaning lady doesn't ..? - Please, just leave.
- What happened to your friends? - Get out of here!
There's nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.
Nellie. Your a disgrace to depression.
- Rot in hell, Melvin. - No need to stop being a lady.
You'll be back on your knees in no time.
ls this fun for you?
It keeps getting better and better. I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.
Frank wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't.
I don't want to paint any more.
The life I was trying for, is over.
The life I had is gone and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
It's high times for you, isn't it? The gay neighbour is terrified.
Terrified!
I was trying to give you a boost.
Lucky you. You're here for rock bottom.
You absolute horror of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you might cheer you up.
Get out.
You want to know why the dog prefers me? It's not affection.
It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See?
We'll both call him. You'll see. It's a trick.
Come here, Verdell.
Come on.
Come here.
Just a stupid dog.
Could you leave now? Please?
I don't get it.
Mr. Udall!
- Carol the waitress? - Yes.
The doctors gave me your address. I'm sorry about the hour.
If you ...
- If it's about thanking me ... - That's not why I'm here.
Though it's nice to talk to a real doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
- I have a hairdryer. - Why did you do this for me?
- So you'd come back to work. - That sounds strange.
I'm worried you did this ...
Are you waiting for me to say something?
Look ...
- I'll be there tomorrow. - I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you.
Not ever!
I'm sorry, but ...
... we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
- I'm not kidding. - Anything else?
Just ... thank you.
So you will be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
''Never'', she said.
I took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Thanks.
I've never been this tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
- Sick. Nauseous. - Sleepy.
Everything looks distorted and everything inside aches.
You can barely find the will to complain.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
- Still writing that thank-you note? - How do you spell ''conscience''?
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean to babysit so we could go out.
I don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone.
Spencer's okay. Start finding something to do with your free time.
Sean, are you hungry?
We got pizza. Sausage, pepperoni. You want to make this later?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little, -
- then you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one. I know what's going on here.
I must finish this letter first. This can't be right? Con-science?
Carol!
What?
It's very weird not feeling that ...
... stupid panic thing inside me.
Without that, I start thinking about myself.
And what good does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus there was this adorable couple.
And I felt myself ...
... giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea. Everything was ...
Go ahead.
Moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man ...
... to hold fucking ...
... hands with.
I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make Spence hug me more than he wants to.
He has to make up for his Mom not getting any.
- Who needs these thoughts? - So, are you frustrated?
Leave me be. What is it you want?
Does getting me thinking about all that's wrong have some purpose?
Really, Mom, what is it you want?
- What? - I want us to go out.
- Thank you. - I'll send you a thank-you note.
That's why you brought me here?
Well, it's not even mine. Simon has enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night.
- Take him to the vet. - I did. His stomach's out of whack.
- They need him a couple of days. - Well, do it ...
Sorry.
- This is for later. - What's this?
- It's a note. - A note?
- A thank-you note. - No thank you.
- You can read it later. - No thank-you note. No, no.
Thank you.
- She's nice. - Yeah, really nice.
Shouldn't that be a good thing, saying, ''No thanks required''?
Sure looks like it went over, too.
Look at you.
You're making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup.
- What? - You think I'm a mark ...
You helped with the dog. I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
- Concerned? - He needs more than money.
He must go to Baltimore to ask his parents for money tomorrow.
They have to help. It's the rules.
That's great. Let them help him.
Only ...
... I got a painter coming through, so I'm out.
- Can you drive him? - Think white and get serious!
Take my car? A convertible.
- Do you drive? - Yes. But I'm not doing it.
Getting loud.
- He wants me to take his car ... - I want your problems.
Somebody offers me a convertible so I can get out of this city ...
- Go ahead, girl. - Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take him. Get him packed. Tomorrow morning I'll take him.
I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out.
If there's some health foundation for people like you, let me know.
- Last-word freak. - Good luck, lady.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
I'm going to give my queer neighbour a lift to Baltimore.
What I did for you ... It's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No!
No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life -
- is that you have done more for my mother, my son ...
... and me than anybody else ever has.
I'm just going to read you this part of it
''That makes you the most generous person I ever met in my life.''
''And you're going to be in our daily prayers, forever.''
Lovely.
I also wrote one part ... I wrote that I was sorry.
I was talking about how I was sorry when I got mad at you -
- when you told my son that he ought to answer back.
I wrote that I was sorry about that. I'm sorry for that night ...
... when I said that I was never ...
I'm sorry for every time your food was cold and you had to wait.
And I'm sorry for never spotting the human being that did this for us.
I'll just start from the beginning.
''I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you.''
''The word grateful doesn't begin to tell you what I feel.''
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want you to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say ''what''? I thought I did.
- What? - I want you to go on this trip.
- No, sir. - I can't do this without you.
He might pull the stiff one-eye on me. I need you to chaperone.
You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook. Two days.
- I can't. My son. - Bettes said he's doing fine.
- Melvin, I'd rather not. - Write a note. Ain't she sweet?
- I need a hand and where is she? - Your help obligates me?
ls there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase. Shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack for this trip.
- You're still coming, aren't you? - Yes.
Melvin, exactly where are we going?
Just south of Baltimore. I know what you're going to say.
I mean ... I think I know.
- I'm not sure, but I think so. - Should I bring something dressy?
Will we be eating in restaurants that have dress codes?
Maybe ...
- Yes. Let's ... Let's. - Okay.
- What did you think I'd ask? - Whether crabs were in season now.
Okay, then. Goodnight.
- Anything unusual in his diet? - No.
Everybody gets their own cage? Put him in with that one.
Lip kiss.
I love you. I'll miss you ... Real sensitive.
- Bye. - Call when you're settled.
- Have a good time. - Don't run!
Have fun, but don't run.
- I'm sorry I'm not taking you. - So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
Everything's going to be okay.
Soak it up. It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.
Hello.
Thank you for being on time.
Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Holy God. Who did that to you?
I was attacked. I walked in on some men robbing me.
And I was hospitalized.
- I almost died. - Let's do the small talk later.
- I was going to do that. - Where should we sit?
- There's no place cards. - You need room.
So I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
Thank you. It was very thoughtful.
- You look like you're crowded. - It's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole trip programmed.
I just wanted to see what you'd do.
TO USE AS lCEBREAKER
We've got good stuff here.
I like this music.
I'm sure they did something really off.
But something will always be off for you, unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense. You want to know why?
Anyone interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.
Want to know what happened with my parents?
- When I was ... - Wait. I'm going to pull over.
I always painted. And my mom always encouraged me.
She was sort of fabulous about it.
She ... I was too young to think there was anything wrong with it.
And she was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
I always thought that my father knew about it.
- This stuff is pointless. - Let him finish.
- Do you want to hear my sad story? - Stop!
Go ahead. Don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in and found us. And he started screaming.
My father didn't come out for 1 1 years.
He used to hit me with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano.
Go ahead, Simon. So he came in and he was yelling?
Please, come on.
He was ...
I was defending my mother.
I was trying to make peace in the lamest way.
I said, ''She's not naked. It's art.''
And he started hitting me.
He beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less. He knew what I was before I did.
The morning I left for college he walked into my room.
He held out his hand. And it was filled with money.
A big sweaty wad of money.
And he said, ''I don't want you to ever come back.''
I just grabbed him and I hugged him.
And he turned and walked out.
- We all have these stories. - It's not true.
Some of us have great stories.
That take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad.
No one here. But a lot of people. That's their story ...
Good times, noodle salad. It's not that you had it bad, -
- but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
- No! I don't think so. - Not it at all, really.
Not it at all?
Let's go to the hotel.
You'll see if you can get another wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an erection over a woman?
- Wouldn't your life be easier ..? - You consider your life easy?
I give you that one.
Nice packing.
- Hey, Spence. - Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear...
- Why are you out of breath? - Mom, lscored a goal.
- You did? - Yep. He was big. Charlie.
That's great. Oh my God!
- We're playing again. Got to go. - Wait ...
- He scored a goal. - I don't believe it.
You would have died.
My son was outside playing soccer.
- Take me out dancing. - Dancing?
- I can't. I'm exhausted. - Oh, come on.
No.
All right.
- Are you sad or something? - No. I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be right with you.
All set?
- Do you sell hard-shell crabs? - Yes.
- Do they sell hard-shells? - Yes.
Good evening.
- You have hard-shells, right? - Stop asking.
- You can answer. - Yes, we do.
- I can give you a tie and jacket. - What?
They require a tie and jacket.
No. I'm not putting that on. And I won't let you inject me with plague.
It's a nice place. You dry-clean these all the time, don't you?
I don't think so.
You just wait here.
Good evening.
- I need a coat and tie. - Come on in.
- No? - That one.
And this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here. We saved a table for you.
- Should I get her for you? - No. I'll just watch.
Ma'am ...
You look so se ...
You look great.
You want to dance?
I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
No.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit and let you in in a housedress.
What? Wait. Where are you going? Why?
I didn't mean it that way. Sit down.
- Give me the dirty look. - Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
What you just said hurt my feelings.
The minute someone gets that they need you they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Now or never.
And mean it.
Can we order first?
Two hard-shell crab dinners ... Pitcher of cold beer.
- Baked or fries? - Fries.
- One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
I've got a great compliment for you. And it's true.
- I'm afraid it's something awful. - Don't be pessimistic.
Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake.
I've got this ... ailment.
My doctor, a shrink I used to go to, -
- says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases a pill really helps.
I hate pills. Very dangerous thing.
I'm using the word ''hate'' here about pills.
My compliment is, the night you came over and told me you would never ...
All right, you know what you said.
My compliment to you is, -
- the next morning I started taking the pills.
How is that a compliment for me?
You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Maybe I overshot a bit to keep you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills? Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this. Exhausting.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
- You don't owe me that. - That wasn't payment.
When I first saw you I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So now that your ... soft underbelly is all exposed ...
Tell me, why did you bring me here?
Well, I ...
- That's a personal question. - Tell me, even if you're scared.
- Scared? - Tell me why you wanted me here.
If you ask me, I'll say yes.
I ...
There's a lot of reasons.
- If you had sex with Simon ... - What?
- That's just one idea. - That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a what ..? And I owe you what?
I don't know why I brought you. It was just one thought.
It came out first.
You kiss him ... me ... You two seemed to hit it off.
Wait. I didn't mean ... Forget what I said about Simon.
- I'll never forget it. - A mistake.
It was a mistake.
Hello, this is Fred Bishop. We're unable to take yourcall.
- Leave a message. - Say goodbye ... and thank you.
It's Simon.
I'm in town.
You've never been out later than ten o'clock. Pick up the phone.
Really.
I'm going to try you in the morning. I need to see you.
Or at least get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
- ls this going to be your room? - Our room. I don't want to see him.
- What happened? - Don't ask.
- Can you not be so violent? - I don't think so.
I'm taking a big bath.
Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired of my complaints.
- What are you thinking about? - How to die, mostly.
Can you believe, in our little mix you're the good roommate?
Goodnight.
Hold it.
I have to draw you.
- I have to draw you. - No.
- I'm more shy than people think. - I have to.
- I haven't sketched in weeks. - Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck.
The back. The line of you.
You're why cavemen chiselled on walls.
Cut me a break.
The next thing I know she's sitting next to me.
It's not right to go into details. I got nervous.
I said the wrong thing.
Where, if I hadn't, -
- I could be in bed now with a woman who ...
If you make her laugh, you got a life.
lnstead, I'm here with you.
No offence, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Jameson, soda back.
I don't care how you put this. We're being naughty here, pal.
No, this is ... This is great. This is so great.
My hand won't even keep up. Hold it.
- I'm just turning. - But hold that.
My hand's not even bothering me.
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Careful.
PRlVACY
I'm coming in. It's late.
- Did you have sex with her? - Don't you want your shampoos?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here ... Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex. It was better than sex. We held each other.
What I need, he gave me great. I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doing?
- Mom, hi. - Hello, Simon.
- You were right We were home. - Do you have to whisper?
- I'm nota screamer. - It was lucky you didn't answer.
- Yourfatheris not feeling well. - I can't hear you.
- Hold on. - What are you going to do?
- I get why you're angry with me ... - He's talking to his parents.
Listen to me. Truly no grudges.
It was odd that you didn't come and see me when you heard I was hurt.
- We almost did. - I don't want to talk about it.
The important thing is that your son is happy.
- I'm working again. - Good. Aboutmoney ...
No. I'll drop you a line. It's up to you to make the next move.
He's going to want to stay. And they'll take a ride to the lake.
- Bye-bye. - Goodbye, dear.
We'll probably have a five-hour drive. It'll give us a chance to ...
- I'm coming. - What about your parents?
- No. I'll take care of myself. - What are you talking about?
- You've got real problems. - I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
- One night wih me. - You think you're kidding.
- No choice. - I've got a gift for you.
Let me see ... Gorgeous.
Do it. And get the dog picked up. I can't believe he let it stay there.
Goodbye.
Your luck's running.
They sub-let your place. You're homeless.
- Frank's got a line on a new place. - Where?
Does it matter?
No, it doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry.
FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY
- I don't want to hear that music. - You said you liked it.
- This one has a meaning. - I don't want to hear it.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
Go up there and wait and I'll take Carol home.
- I'll take a bus. - No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
- I don't care what you did for me. - What's wrong?
I don't want to know you any more. All you do is make me feel bad.
You have my number.
- Let him take you home. - Don't want to.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Don't say anything.
I've got to get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat.
I think you're going to have to camp it here.
There's Verdell!
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished. Jackie said she'd bring your things.
They were going to set you up in here. It's an extra room.
- It's got good light. - I'm coming.
It's nice. Looks good.
They've even got your music, paintings, paints.
I have to say they did a good job.
It's going to be okay. Cosy, huh?
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer while you were away.
I love my cookbook.
It's got wonderful recipes. It says something with a shark.
Shark with a bite. Would you like that, Spencer?
And some cookies here called Wasps' Nests.
Where is my big hairy boy?
Where is he? Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart!
- Oh, you're in bed. - No, no.
I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable sleeping here.
The dog's already comfortable.
ls this okay?
Hello ... Hi, it's me.
He took me in. It's Carol for you.
- Jackie brought it all over ... - Just take the dog.
Take the dog.
- Come on. Move fast. Don't limp. - Good luck.
- Howare you doing? - Not so hot.
- Why? What's wrong? - Was I sensible or hard on you?
- Maybe both. - Are you being cute or crazy now?
- Cute. - You don't have to answer.
Just listen to me.
It's really something that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street ... That was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company.
But you do bother me. And I know it's better for me ...
... to not have contact with you because you're not ready.
You're an old guy to not be ready. And I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place.
Anyway. Thanks for the trip.
Goodnight.
Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should have danced with you.
Goodnight.
- Are you going to talk to me? - I'm coming.
- What did she say? - That I'm a great guy.
And she doesn't want contact with me.
I'm dying here.
- Because ... you love her. - No.
And you people are supposed to be sensitive?
Then you tell me why. You're the one who's ''dying here''.
- Let me sleep on it. - Oh, come on.
- I'll figure it out. - Please ...
I'm stuck. I can't get back to my old life.
- She's evicted me from my life. - Did you really like it that much?
It's better than this.
If you're going to give me hope, you've got to do better.
If you can't be mildly interesting, then shut up.
I'm drowning here! And you're describing the water.
Picking on me won't help.
If that's true, I'm really in trouble.
Do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day. Do something. Go over there.
Tonight. It's not always good to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin.
Tell her how you feel.
- I'm charged. - Yes, you are.
- She might kill me if I go there. - Then stay. I'll read you a story.
The best thing going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
Go over there. Do this. Catch her off guard.
Thanks a lot.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
I forgot to lock the door.
- What do you want? - I'm sorry I woke you up.
I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
ls it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb -
- than any other place I can think of or imagine.
That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside so I don't get my feet in the gutter.
Stop. Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why?
A regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me.
Everybody wants that. It doesn't exist.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend ...
Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks?
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk.
It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me.
- If you don't mind. - Well, if you need an excuse ...
There's a bakery on the corner that'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy, but two people that like warm rolls.
- What are you doing? - I want you to hear that song.
And darling I'm neverlonely
wheneveryou're in sight...
Thank you.
I was ...
I'm sorry. Whatever this is won't work.
- I'm ... - What?
I'm feeling better.
It may seem that way now, but you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
- I've got a compliment for you. - You know what?
Let me talk.
I might be the only person on the earth -
- that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who knows how amazing you are.
And how you are with Spencer. Spence.
And in every single thought you have.
How you almost always mean something that's about being straight or good.
Most people miss that about you.
I wonder how they can watch you bring their food and clear tables -
- and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it makes me feel good ...
... about me.
ls that something that it's bad for you to be around?
No.
I'm going to grab you?
I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm going to grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Better. Definitely better.
See?
- Want something? - Warm rolls.
Excuse us.