♪ ♪
[SET BELL RINGING]
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO BE.
I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.
AND LUCKY FOR YOU, YOU'RE CUTER THAN I WAS.
YOU'RE JUST TOO CUTE FOR WORDS.
WHICH IS PROBABLY
WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LINES IN HIS SCENE.
OKAY, EVERYONE, PLACES!
WE'RE ABOUT READY TO ROLL.
[A.D.]: OKAY, GUYS. WE'RE GONNA ROLL ON THIS.
CAN WE GET THE CAST ON SET, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, CAMERA ONE,
YOU'VE GOT DAVE COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
TWO, I WANT YOU TO HOLD WITH JOHN
AND WAIT FOR THE CROSS.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, EVERYBODY. SET?
OKAY, LET'S COUNT IT DOWN.
[SET BELL RINGING]
IN THREE, TWO, ONE...
BAD PUPPY.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]
BAD PUPPY.
BAD PUPPY PEED ON THE RUG.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYING]
[DIRECTOR]: OKAY, THREE,
SWING OVER TO STANDBY TO TAKE JOHN.
OVER. COMING TO YOU ON TWO. AND... TWO.
BAD PUPPY NEEDS TO GO OUTSIDE.
HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
BAD PUPPY NEEDS TO GO OUTSIDE.
["DJ"]: WHAT'S GOING ON?
I THINK HE'S SLEEP-WALKING.
LET'S NOT RUSH TO JUDGEMENT.
REMEMBER, UNCLE JOEY'S NOT ALL THAT AWAKE,
EVEN WHEN HE'S... AWAKE.
OKAY, HOLD THE REACTION. AND TWO.
ONE, STAND BY TO PUNCH IN ON JODIE,
AND ONE!
I HEARD IT'S DANGEROUS TO WAKE SOMEBODY UP
WHEN THEY'RE SLEEP-WALKING.
[SNIFFS] WHEW!
I THINK SOMEBODY NEEDS A DIAPER CHANGE.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, CUT! CUT, EVERYONE!
[SET BELL RINGS]
OKAY, STOP TAPE. LET'S RESET FROM THE TOP.
♪ ♪
[BOB]: AND WHAT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF A TAMPON.
NOT BECAUSE
IT'S SUCH A MIND-BLOWING, MIND-ALTERING IDEA,
BUT JUST THE IDEA THAT... THAT, UH...
NO ONE EVER SHOWED ME WHAT IT IS OR HOW TO USE IT.
IT'S LIKE A SECRET THAT WOMEN KEEP BETWEEN THEMSELVES.
MY MOTHER NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
SIR, DID YOUR MOTHER TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT A TAMPON?
THAT'S NOT A THING, RIGHT?
OH! THAT LITTLE RED LIGHT JUST CAME ON,
MEANING EITHER
THAT'S ALL THE TIME THEY'RE GIVING ME TONIGHT,
OR THE HOOKER WHO SUBLETS UPSTAIRS IS AVAILABLE AGAIN.
YOU KNOW!
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE!
GOODNIGHT!
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
THANK YOU.
[ANNOUNCER]: EVERYBODY, A BIG HAND FOR BOB SAGET!
YOU WERE GREAT, MAN.
- YEAH? - ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE STILL THE FILTHIEST-MINDED HUMAN BEING
I'VE EVER MET.
AW, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
BECAUSE MY WIFE'S HERE.
[SHERI LAUGHS]
SORRY ABOUT THE HONEYMOON-NIGHT ROUTINE,
BUT IT ALWAYS KILLS.
WHATEVER, BUT NOW IT'S UP TO 14 TIMES?
I HAD TO WAKE HIM UP
JUST TO GET TO ONE-AND-A-HALF.
HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH HIM, SHERI?
SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT I'M PACKING?
I'LL LET YOU BOYS CATCH UP.
SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK IN THE MORNING.
- GOODNIGHT, HONEY. - GOODNIGHT, BABY.
NICE TO SEE YOU, DAVE.
- MM-HMM. - DON'T KEEP HIM OUT TOO LATE...
AND IF HE COMES HOME
WEARING ANYBODY ELSE'S UNDERWEAR,
YOU'LL BE ANSWERING TO ME.
YOU KIDDING? I'VE TOTALLY MELLOWED.
- HA! - YEAH...
- AHH. - OH!
TWO MORE, MY GOOD MAN, AND KEEP 'EM COMING
TILL THE AUTHORITIES ARRIVE.
WHAT'RE WE CELEBRATING? OUR IMMINENT DRUNKEN STUPOR?
WHAT IS IT,
TWO-FOR-ONE-NIGHT AT THE DRUNK TANK?
BETTER.
GUESS WHO'S GONNA BE
THE NEXT CAST MEMBER OF SATURDAY NIGHT-FRICKIN'-LIVE.
SNL? THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
RIGHT?
DUDE, CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU RULE!
IT'S ABOUT TIME THEY GOT SOME YOUTH INTO THAT CAST.
THEIR AVERAGE AGE THIS SEASON IS "DECEASED."
HELL OF A LONG WAY FROM WHEN I CAME TO TOWN
TO DO THE CLUBS,
AND SLEPT ON YOUR COUCH, HUH?
YOU DESERVE IT.
IT'S CRAZY, IT'S LIKE
ALL THE STAND-UPS WE CAME UP WITH
ARE KILLING IT LATELY.
I KNOW. DID YOU HEAR ROSEANNE'S GETTING
MULTIPLE PILOT OFFERS?
YEAH. SAME WITH TIM ALLEN!
IT'S LIKE EVERY STAND-UP COMIC WE HAVE EVER WORKED WITH
EITHER HAS A PILOT DEAL OR A MOVIE.
HEY! HEY. YOU'RE THE GUY!
- YOU'RE HYSTERICAL! - THANKS.
[CACKLING] THIS GUY!
THANKS.
BUT WHO NEEDS A MOVIE OR A HIT TV SHOW
WHEN YOU'VE GOT HIGH-CLASS FANS LIKE THAT?
HEY, MAN.
IT'LL HAPPEN FOR YOU, TOO.
YEAH.
I'D HATE TO DISAPPOINT ALL THOSE LOSERS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
WHO SAID I'D NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.
WAIT, THAT WAS LAST WEEK, AT A NETWORK AUDITION.
HOLY CRAP, I'M SCREWED!
[CHUCKLES] BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.
TO SNL.
[BOTH, OVERLAPPING]: SNL!
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH!
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
LOOK, POP, POP,
THAT'S TWO SHOWS I'VE BEEN IN,
IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS, BOTH OF THEM CANCELED.
YEAH, AND STILL THEY COME AND STARE AT YOU LIKE GROUPIES.
THEY'RE SOAP OPERA FANS.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY HERE TO SEE JOHN STAMOS.
THEY'RE HERE TO SEE "BLACKIE PARRISH."
UH-HUH. WELL...
WHICHEVER ONE OF THOSE GUYS YOU ARE,
COULD THEY BREW ME UP SOME COFFEE?
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
THAT MAYBE LEAVING GENERAL HOSPITAL
WASN'T SUCH A BRILLIANT IDEA?
WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, POP.
I WANT TO BE AN ACTOR.
I DON'T WANNA BE SOME POSTER-BOY.
YOU ARE AN ACTOR, JOHNNY!
YOU'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THIS COFFEE MACHINE.
[JOHN CHUCKLES]
POP...
I'VE HAD TWO FAILED SERIES,
AND I'M NOT EVEN 22 YET.
NOBODY'S GONNA HIRE ME. I'M DAMAGED GOODS.
SO WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO? QUIT?
WHEN I BUILT UP THIS RESTAURANT FROM SCRATCH,
AND THINGS GOT TOUGH,
DID I QUIT?
A MAN DOES WHAT HE HAS TO DO
TO KEEP HIS DREAMS AFLOAT.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.
IT'S NOT SO DIFFERENT.
YOU WANT TO SUCCEED, MAKE IT HAPPEN...
NOBODY'S GONNA DO THAT FOR YOU.
FEWER PARTIES... MORE WORK.
LOOK.
HOLLYWOOD'S A BUSINESS, JUST LIKE THIS PLACE...
AND THOSE...
THOSE LOOK LIKE YOUR LOYAL CUSTOMERS...
INTERESTED IN WHATEVER YOU DO NEXT.
I GOT THIS.
GO... TEND TO YOUR BUSINESS.
[ALL GIGGLING AND SQUEALING]
HEY. JOHN.
SHERI? YOU HERE?
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HOME, I'VE GOT...
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?
- I... - YOU'RE NOT GONNA GUESS.
HOW COULD YOU? IT'S SO FAR OUT OF LEFT FIELD!
REMEMBER MY MANAGER SAYING THAT CBS WAS ASKING ABOUT ME?
YES.
WELL, IT'S THE CBS NEWS DIVISION.
THEY WERE ASKING ABOUT ME,
AND THEY'RE REVAMPING THEIR MORNING SHOW,
THEY WANT TO SPICE THINGS UP, MIX SOME HUMOR INTO THE SHOW.
THAT'S GREAT. BOB...
AND THEY WANT ME, BUT SEE, THEY DON'T REALLY WANT ME...
THEY WANT SOME WATERED-DOWN, NICE-GUY VERSION OF ME
TO TOSS OFF STUPID ONE-LINERS TO THE SQUARE MORNING HOST.
SO...
THE MONEY'D BE DECENT,
BUT WHY WOULD I SELL OUT NOW?
OKAY, BOB.
I'M PREGNANT.
TELL ME THAT'S A GOOD THING.
YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT THING.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HOW YOU'D FEEL.
IT'LL REALLY CHANGE THINGS.
I'M GONNA BE A FATHER.
♪ ♪
I AM THE FATHER, RIGHT?
[LAUGHING] YES.
♪ ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
[DEEP VOICE]: ROBBERY-HOMICIDE.
YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. GO!
DAVE, IS... IS THAT YOU?
LOOK, YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THAT.
WHAT IF THIS WERE A REALLY IMPORTANT CALL?
UH, LET'S SEE.
THEN YOUR NAME AND NUMBER WOULDN'T BE ON MY CALLER I.D.
YOU GOT CALLER I.D.?
I GOTTA GET THAT!
DUDE, YOU REALLY GAVE ME
MY "VERY IMPORTANT NEWS" LAST WEEK, ALL RIGHT?
BUT I'M ALWAYS UP FOR MORE. LAY IT ON ME.
ALL RIGHT, DAVE, THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.
[DEEP BREATH]
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IS NOT HAPPENING.
I AM SO SORRY.
WHOA! WAIT. WHAT? NO.
I... THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
I... I HAD IT.
I'VE TOLD PEOPLE!
I KNOW. IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS, DAVE.
BUT THE RIGHT PART'LL COME ALONG...
SOMETHING THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WAS PERFECT FOR ME.
DAVE?
DAVE. DAVE?
DAVE, DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME?
YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES, DAVE. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!
JUST KEEP THE FAITH.
♪ ♪
HEY! BRAD, IT'S ME.
YEAH. LISTEN, UM...
THAT CBS MORNING PROGRAM GIG...
LET'S TAKE IT.
♪ ♪
IT'S SO GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE.
SO CHARLOTTE'LL BRING IN SOME COFFEE IN JUST A MINUTE.
- FANTASTIC. - SHE'S MAKING A FRESH POT.
I'M SORRY WE'RE IN THE BOARDROOM.
WE'VE BEEN DOING SOME REDECORATING.
SO, I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
I-I... SHOULD WE JUST GET RIGHT TO IT?
YEAH! SO WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON A NEW SHOW IDEA.
I-I THINK IT'S GREAT.
UM, IT'S CALLED HOUSE OF COMICS.
SO, THREE YOUNG GUYS, ALL STAND-UP COMICS,
ALL LOOKING FOR THEIR FIRST BIG BREAK.
THEY'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN THIS APARTMENT,
SO WE SEE ALL THE SHENANIGANS...
THE CRAZY GIRLFRIEND, THE DISAPPROVING PARENTS...
ALL THE PARTS OF THEIR LIFE THAT LEAD TO THEIR COMEDY ACTS.
IT'S... IT'S KIND OF HIP,
IT'S EDGY.
IT'S DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING THAT'S OUT THERE NOW.
OKAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT A GREAT WRITER
JEFF HERE IS.
HE'S GOT SOME FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF FOR THIS.
I MEAN, HE'S GONNA KNOCK IT OUT OF THE PARK.
HE'S NOT JUST A HAIRDO.
[ALL LAUGHING]
TOM, BOB...
YOU KNOW THAT WE LOVE JEFF.
IT'S JUST...
THE COSBY SHOW'S DOING SO WELL,
SO THE NETWORK REALLY WANTS MORE OF A FAMILY SHOW.
UH...
WHICH THIS SHOW HAS.
B-BECAUSE, THE COMIC, THE MAIN COMIC IS...
ACTUALLY A SINGLE DAD.
OH, I LIKE THAT.
YEAH. OF... OF COURSE, HE'S, UM, COMPLETELY LOST.
OH. THAT'S COMPLETELY RELATABLE.
YEAH! EXACTLY, AND-AND HE SOMEHOW GETS BY
WITH THE HELP OF HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS.
OKAY. SO, LIKE, THREE MEN AND A BABY?
YEAH! BUT WE'RE MORE LIKE THREE MEN AND THREE BABIES,
BECAUSE THE DAD HAS THREE DAUGHTERS,
ALL DIFFERENT AGES.
THAT REALLY SETS IT APART.
OKAY.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE KIDS.
♪ ♪
THE OTHER GRAMMY-NOMINATED SONGS
WILL BE ANNOUNCED TONIGHT.
MM, SPEAKING OF THE GRAMMYS,
WHY DON'T YOU AND I RIP OUT "BILLIE JEAN"?
YOU TAKE THE HIGH PART, I'VE GOT THE MELODY.
READY?
COME ON! LET'S DO IT.
WELL, BOB, MAYBE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING UP
DURING THE BREAK COMING UP HERE.
HEY! WHY DON'T WE JUST BE SPONTANEOUS?
WHY DON'T WE PUSH THE ENVELOPE?
LET'S TAKE IT!
I WANNA BE YOUR VIDEO COFFEE.
IT'S THE MORNING SHOW, AFTER ALL.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR, RIGHT?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR SPECIAL GUEST,
THE GOLDEN GIRLS' RUE MCCLANAHAN.
- [OUTTRO MUSIC PLAYS] - AND WE'RE OUT!
BOB, SORRY. THE BOOTH WAS SCREAMING AT ME
TO MOVE TO COMMERCIAL,
I'M SURE YOU HEARD IT.
NAH, I FINALLY PULLED THAT THING OUT.
DON'T YOU FIND ALL THAT WHINING ANNOYING?
BOB. STOP WITH THE AD-LIBBING,
AS I WAS SCREAMING IN YOUR EARPIECE.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU, I...
OH, IS THAT THIS THING?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
WE JUST GOT A CALL.
YOUR WIFE'S IN THE HOSPITAL. YOU GOT TO GO. NOW.
♪ ♪
[KNOCKING]
BOB?
HEY, SIS.
HI. HOW'S SHERI?
BETTER.
SHE WAS HAVING TROUBLE.
GOT PRETTY SCARY,
SO THE DOCTOR DID A C-SECTION.
THE BABY'S OKAY?
DOING FINE NOW...
EXCEPT THAT IT LOOKS LIKE ME, IT'S GOT MY NOSE.
OBVIOUSLY, NOT A GREAT SITUATION FOR A LITTLE GIRL.
I'M SORRY I COULDN'T GET HERE ANY EARLIER.
DON'T WORRY, EVERYBODY'S GOOD.
IN FACT...
DID YOU SEE SHERI'S KNOCKERS?
IT'S LIKE TWO PILLOWS STUFFED IN A TANK TOP.
WHEN'S IT MY TURN TO FEED?
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
TRY TO BE FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE SCARED.
I'M WARNING YOU...
THAT BABY'S GONNA STARVE.
COME ON!
INTRODUCE ME TO MY NIECE.
♪ ♪
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THE NETWORK
IS LETTING US SHOOT THIS PILOT.
YOU WROTE A GREAT SCRIPT.
NOW WE JUST GOTTA FIND A CAST TO MATCH,
AND WE'RE ON THE AIR.
BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS SERIES IS ANYMORE...
IT KEEPS CHANGING.
LOOK, SAME THING HAPPENED WHEN I PRODUCED HAPPY DAYS.
YOU KNOW THAT FONZIE WAS JUST A GUEST STAR
THE FIRST SEASON?
BUT THE AUDIENCE LOVED HIM.
WE FIGURED OUT WHAT WORKED,
AND THE SHOW GOT BETTER.
[SIGHS] I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE I'M RIGHT!
RELAX. BREATHE.
[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
[GIRL SHRIEKING AS SHE RUNS]
YOU CAN DO THIS.
NOT WITHOUT A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN.
[PILLS RATTLING]
"HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN FATHER'S DAY?"
"SERIOUSLY. WE HAVE THREE OF THEM."
"AND I GUESS IT'S MY FAULT SINCE THEY'RE ALL SAD AT ME."
SORRY.
CAN I DO THAT AGAIN?
OH, YEAH, SURE. SURE. HERE WE GO.
"SERIOUSLY. WE HAVE THREE OF THEM."
"AND I GUESS IT'S MY FAULT
SINCE THEY'RE ALL MAD AT ME."
"BUT WE'RE JUST LITTLE KIDS. DJ, YOU SHOULD'VE REMEMBERED."
"IF THIS IS WHAT COMES WITH BEING THE OLDEST,
THEN I QUIT!"
THAT WAS NICE, CANDACE.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
OH, SURE. THANKS.
SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.
YEAH. THAT'S CANDACE CAMERON.
HER BROTHER, KIRK, IS THE STAR OF GROWING PAINS.
OH. HOW WAS SHE?
[QUIETLY]: ONLY OKAY.
YEAH, IT'S A SHAME, I REALLY HAD HOPES FOR HER.
BUT I DO HAVE SOME OTHER GOOD CHOICES.
GREAT.
♪ ♪
OH. WHAT'S WRONG, HONEY?
I GOT NERVOUS.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME.
OH, CANDACE, I TOLD YOU...
THIS IS A HARD BUSINESS.
IF IT'S GOING TO UPSET YOU,
WE SHOULDN'T DO IT.
I KNOW, BUT I COULD'VE DONE SO MUCH BETTER.
AND SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT THAT?
ONE DOWN, FIVE TO GO.
JODIE SWEETIN'S DEAL CLOSED.
GREAT.
WHAT ABOUT OUR DANNYS? ANY WORD ON PAUL REISER?
PAUL PASSED.
HE TOOK SOMETHING CALLED MY TWO DADS.
WHO'S YOUR NEXT CHOICE?
WHAT ABOUT BOB SAGET?
YOU REMEMBER BOB?
HE'S THE COMIC WHO DID THE AUDIENCE WARM-UP
ON BOSOM BUDDIES.
HE'D BE A PERFECT DANNY.
YEAH, I CHECKED. BOB'S NOT AVAILABLE.
[KNOCKING]
HI! I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT I'D REALLY LIKE TO TRY THAT SCENE AGAIN.
♪ ♪
I THINK I'D BE A GREAT DJ.
SURE. LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
♪ ♪
[PHONE RINGS]
[AS RONALD REAGAN]: WHITE HOUSE. REAGAN SPEAKING.
DAVE, WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?
SORRY, MAN. I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. WHAT'S UP?
REMEMBER THAT PILOT AUDITION LAST WEEK, FULL HOUSE?
YEAH, THE ONE THAT EVERY STAND-UP COMIC
IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE WENT FOR?
MM-HMM.
AND GUESS WHICH ONE THEY LIKED THE MOST?
SERIOUSLY?
YOU, MY FRIEND...
LANDED IT... THEY LOVED YOU.
YES! WHOO-HOO!
YEAH, BABY! YEAH! [CACKLING]
DAVE... COME BACK TO THE PHONE, DAVE!
YES! YES! WHOO-HOO-HOO!
DAVE, COME BACK TO THE PHONE, YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF!
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
♪ ♪
HEY, JEFF. SORRY I'M LATE. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
NO PROBLEM.
OH. YOU TOO?
♪ ♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
SO THIS GIRL JUST SNUCK INTO YOUR DRESSING ROOM?
AW, YOU W... YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE SOAP FANS.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR PILOT.
I SEE SO MUCH OF MYSELF IN UNCLE ADAM.
AND YOU'RE A MUSICIAN, TOO, RIGHT?
AW, I LIVE FOR MUSIC. YOU KNOW,
I GET TO SIT IN WITH THE BEACH BOYS SOMETIMES.
WOW.
I HAD THIS IDEA THAT I WANTED TO PITCH YOU.
SHOOT.
YOU KNOW ELVIS HAD A TWIN BROTHER?
NO! NO, I NEVER HEARD THAT.
YEAH, YEAH. HIS NAME WAS "JESSE."
HE DIED AT CHILDBIRTH. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
AND SO I'M THINKING,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE THAT'S WHO THIS CHARACTER IS...
YOU KNOW, NOT "UNCLE ADAM,"
BUT "UNCLE JESSE."
I LOVE IT.
[LAUGHS]
♪ ♪
[TODDLERS FUSSING AND CHATTING]
THEY'RE ADORABLE.
OH, THANK YOU.
ARE THEY HERE TO AUDITION FOR "MICHELLE"?
NO. NO, NO, NO. WE'RE JUST WAITING ON A FRIEND.
SHE BROUGHT HER TWINS TO TRY OUT,
AND WE'RE ALL JUST GONNA HEAD TO THE PARK WHEN THEY'RE DONE.
OH. VERY CUTE.
THANK YOU.
HE SAID YOU WERE CUTE!
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
UM... THIS IS MARY-KATE AND THIS IS ASHLEY.
HI, GUYS.
- HI. - HOW ARE YOU?
♪ ♪
THE COMEDY BITS AREN'T LANDING THE WAY WE HOPED.
WORD JUST CAME DOWN FROM THE NETWORK.
SO THAT'S IT, I'M FIRED?
FOR TRYING TO DO WHAT I WAS HIRED TO DO?
LET ME GUESS... YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR JOB, RIGHT, SKIPPY?
I'M SORRY, BOB.
THEY'VE MOVED ON.
IT'S DONE.
♪ ♪
[WEARY SIGH] WELL...
CLOSE TO GETTING BACK MY REGULAR SLOTS
AT THE COMEDY STORE, THE IMPROV AND THE LAUGH FACTORY.
BOB, WE CAN'T LIVE ON THAT.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE LAW FIRM EARLY,
AND YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THE BABY DURING THE DAY.
OKAY, THAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT ABOUT THAT PILOT THEY CALLED YOU FOR
A FEW WEEKS AGO?
DIDN'T THE CASTING PERSON SAY JEFF FRANKLIN REALLY WANTED YOU?
IT'S ABOUT A DAD WITH A DEAD WIFE
RAISING THREE LITTLE GIRLS.
SEE? YOU CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.
SOUNDS INTERESTING.
DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT?
I DON'T HAVE TO!
I GOT A SUGAR-RUSH JUST HEARING ABOUT IT.
[BABY CRIES]
WOW!
DID YOU TRAIN HER TO DO THAT RIGHT ON CUE?
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
SHE DOES THAT A LOT.
SOMETHING YOU MIGHT BE DISCOVERING
VERY, VERY SOON.
FINE! I'LL READ THE SCRIPT.
BUT IF I THROW UP ALL OVER
YOUR NICE, CLEAN CARPET AFTERWARDS,
THAT'S ON YOU.
[CHUCKLING]: DEAL.
♪ ♪
WE GOT HIM.
YOU CLOSED THE DEAL?
YEP, WE'VE GOT OUR "DANNY"...
JOHN POSEY.
♪ ♪
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
WELL, THANKS A LOT.
HEY, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME.
OKAY. YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE.
SO? WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I GUESS THEY DIDN'T WANT ME THAT MUCH.
THEY HIRED ANOTHER ACTOR.
OH. I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
YOU WAITED TOO LONG?
YEAH, THEY SHOT THE PILOT LAST WEEK.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
♪ ♪
[LAUGH
YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THIS RIGHT?
I'M BOILING THE EGGS IN VINEGAR,
JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
NO. I SAID BOIL THEM IN WATER,
AND THEN DIP THEM IN THE VINEGAR.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS THAT SMELL...
AND WHY DOES IT MAKE ME WANT TO RUN SCREAMING FROM MY OWN HOME?
JOEY TOLD ME THE WRONG DIRECTIONS.
NO, YOU JUST HEARD 'EM BACKWARDS.
HIS HEARING'S SHOT
FROM ALL THAT LOUD ROCK 'N' ROLL.
'SCUSE ME?
[KNOCKS] JEFF. YOU GET THE NEWS?
ABC ORDERED THE SERIES.
I HEARD.
WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A MAN
WHO JUST HAD HIS FIRST TV SHOW PICKED UP.
BOB SAGET'S MANAGER CALLED.
HE'S ACTUALLY REALLY INTERESTED IN THE ROLE.
YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF REPLACING ONE OF OUR LEADS,
AFTER THE NETWORK PICKED UP THE SHOW, ARE YOU?
IT'S TOO LATE.
JOHN POSEY'S GOOD.
BUT BOB, HE'S LIKABLE AND FUNNY.
COME ON, NOBODY DOES THAT.
WHAT IF YOU UNRAVEL EVERYTHING?
BUT DANNY TANNER'S CHARACTER IS THE HEART OF FULL HOUSE, TOM.
[SIGHING HEAVILY]
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF THE NETWORK'LL PICK UP THE COST
TO RESHOOT BASICALLY THE WHOLE PILOT.
WELL, THEY WILL OR THE WON'T.
THIS IS THE BEST THING FOR THE SHOW.
BOB SAGET IS DANNY TANNER.
IT'S THE THOUGHT OF MAKING THAT CALL TO POSEY
THAT KILLS ME.
♪ ♪
HEY, BOB!
[BOTH START LAUGHING]
HEY, HOW WEIRD IS THIS?
USED TO CRASH AT YOUR APARTMENT
IN REAL LIFE,
AND NOW I PLAY A GUY
WHO CRASHES AT YOUR PLACE ON A SHOW.
- HEY, HAVE YOU MET JOHN YET? - NO.
HEY, JOHN.
OH! WELCOME ABOARD, MAN.
GREAT TO BE HERE.
REALLY GROUNDBREAKING STUFF.
I'M INSPIRED BY YOUR ARTISTIC COURAGE.
OH. GREAT. THANKS.
YEAH. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY POOP JOKES, RIGHT?
AND THE WHOLE GAY-TRIANGLE STORY...
REVOLUTIONARY.
WHAT "GAY"? THEY'RE NOT GAY.
COME ON, THREE GUYS LIVING TOGETHER IN SAN FRANCISCO...
RAISING LITTLE GIRLS?
ONE BIG, HAPPY FAMILY?
[DAVE]: THAT'S WHY I SIGNED ON, REALLY PROGRESSIVE STUFF.
NORMAN LEAR WOULD BE PROUD.
HAS JEFF TALKED ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US
COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET FIRST?
IT'S GOTTA BE UNCLE JESSE. I MEAN, HE'S SO CUTE.
WHO COULD STAY AWAY FROM THAT?
[BOB]: SERIOUSLY, IF I SWUNG THAT WAY,
I WOULD PEEL YOU LIKE A SOFT-SHELLED CRAB.
MY AGENT SAID NOTHING ABOUT
THIS PARTICULAR STORY ARC.
[CRACKING UP]
OH... OKAY, YEAH.
WE MAKE FUN OF THE SINCERE GUY, IS THAT HOW THIS IS GONNA GO?
YEAH. PRETTY MUCH.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU, IS THAT YOUR REAL NOSE?
OH, OKAY, I GET IT, YEAH.
HEY, DO YOU BLOW-DRY,
OR ARE YOU MORE OF A CONTROLLED-CHAOS-WITH-GEL GUY?
[JOHN]: LET'S HOPE THIS ONLY LASTS ONE SEASON.
AH, WE SHOULD ALL BE SO LUCKY.
♪ ♪
I'M JUST SAYING
WE CAN MAKE THESE GUYS MORE INTERESTING.
I'M NOT SURE THE WRITERS REALLY WANT OUR HELP.
LIKE, WHAT IF DANNY WERE MORE OF A CLEAN FREAK?
SURE!
YOU COULD DO ALL YOUR SCENES FROM A BATHTUB.
I'M SERIOUS.
I DON'T KNOW, BOB.
WHAT IF THEY HAD A LOVE INTEREST FOR YOU?
WELL, FIRST DAY, BOB. YOU KNOW? FIRST DAY.
THIS IS MY FIRST SERIES.
ME, TOO.
I MEAN, I'VE DONE A FEW GUEST SPOTS,
BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS.
EXCUSE ME? HI.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO SIT?
OH, I ALWAYS LIKE TO STAY CLOSE.
- IS THIS YOUR FIRST SHOW? - YES.
I STILL CAN'T REALLY BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
WELL, YOUR GIRLS ARE PRECIOUS.
I'M NOT AT ALL SURPRISED THEY GOT CAST.
THANK YOU.
I NEVER REALLY GAVE IT THAT MUCH THOUGHT.
MY HUSBAND, DAVID, AND I,
WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TV.
SO THIS WAS THE TWINS' FIRST AUDITION?
MM-HMM. AND MINE.
WELL, THEN I'D SAY THESE MAY BE TWO
OF THE LUCKIEST LITTLE GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD.
OKAY, IF EVERYONE CAN TAKE A SEAT,
WE'LL GET STARTED.
JEFF, JEFF. HEY, BUDDY.
HEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT DANNY HAVING OCD?
OR MAYBE TOURETTE'S.
YEAH. HE'S CURSING AT EVERYBODY,
BUT WE BLEEP IT OUT.
WAIT, WHAT? NOBODY'S CURSING, BOB.
OH, THAT'S FINE.
I'VE GOT LOTS MORE IDEAS.
YOU READY?
IT'S DAY ONE, AND I'M ALREADY
ABOUT TO PULL MY HAIR OUT.
HOW DO YOU THINK THIS HAPPENED?
♪ ♪
LET'S GET STARTED!
YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THIS RIGHT?
I BOILED THE EGGS IN VINEGAR, JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
NO. I SAID BOIL THEM IN WATER,
THEN DIP THEM IN VINEGAR.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S THAT SMELL? AND WHY DOES IT MAKE ME
WANT TO RUN SCREAMING FROM MY OWN HOME?
JOEY TOLD ME THE WRONG DIRECTIONS.
NO. YOU JUST HEARD THEM BACKWARDS.
HIS HEARING'S SHOT FROM ALL THAT LOUD ROCK 'N ROLL.
'SCUSE ME?
[LAUGHTER]
"'SCUSE ME?"
I THINK WE GOT A PROBLEM.
[LAUGHTER]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
[LAUGHTER]
FADE TO BLACK.
AM I NUTS, OR IS THIS ACTUALLY WORKING?
IT'S STILL WAY TOO SOON TO SAY,
BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY.
OH, YEAH.
[CHUCKLING OVER LOUD APPLAUSE]
OH, HERE'S ANOTHER WINNER TO ADD TO THE PILE.
"COMIC BOB SAGET DID THE IMPOSSIBLE.
"HE LEFT CBS'S TRAIN-WRECK MORNING PROGRAM
AND ACTUALLY FOUND SOMETHING WORSE TO WORK ON."
AND THAT'S THE NICE REVIEW.
PEOPLE MAGAZINE GAVE US A "D" -PLUS.
BOB'S EXAGGERATING, AS USUAL.
AM I?
USA TODAY HATED US... IN A PIE-CHART!
THAT'S MY SHOW...
A HOT STEAMY SLICE OF YUMMY CRAP-PIE.
WELL, DON'T MOST POPULAR SHOWS START OFF WITH BAD REVIEWS?
SURE, BUT WE HIT THE DAILY-DOUBLE OF TV FAILURE...
BAD REVIEWS AND BAD RATINGS.
NOBODY LIKES IT,
BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE NOBODY'S WATCHING.
YOU WANT IT TO FAIL.
NO. I DON'T WANT IT TO.
BUT WOULD IT BE THE WORST THING EVER?
IT'S A SHOW ABOUT THREE FRIENDS RAISING KIDS...
WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THAT?
THERE'S NOTHING TERRIBLE, OR INTERESTING,
OR FUNNY ABOUT IT...
THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
YOU SAW IT, DID YOU LIKE IT?
OH! UH, WELL...
SEE?
THE "WELL, DOT-DOT-DOT" GAVE IT AWAY.
I... I DIDN'T HATE IT.
IT'S NOT MY TYPE OF SHOW, BUT IT'S SWEET.
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU GAVE UP ON IT
BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED.
DAD WOULD SAY,
"THERE MUST BE SOMETHING ABOUT THE JOB YOU LIKE."
I LIKE DAVE.
WE BOTH COME FROM STAND-UP, HE MAKES ME LAUGH.
AND JOHN'S NOT A BAD DUDE.
MAYBE A LITTLE... STUCK ON HIMSELF.
HE IS NOT! HE'S A SWEETHEART.
NO, I GET IT.
IF I LOOKED LIKE HIM, I'D NEVER LEAVE THE SHOWER.
THEN START THERE.
IN THE SHOWER WITH STAMOS?
STOP IT! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
MAYBE IF YOU THREE GUYS ARE HAVING FUN,
THEN THE AUDIENCE WILL, TOO.
♪ ♪
[CHUCKLING]
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING THIS WEEKEND?
- NOTHING. - I'VE GOT A DATE...
I THINK.
WELL, CANCEL IT. WE'RE TAKING A ROAD TRIP.
SWEET! I LOVE ROAD TRIPS. WHERE ARE WE GOING?
♪ ♪
[OVERLAPPING]: WHOO!
WHOA-HO-HO!
YOU ARE ON FIRE TONIGHT.
MY APOLOGIES, BOB.
IT WAS THE CHIMICHANGAS FROM DINNER.
TAKE THE HORN BET.
SO, I CANCELED A HOT DATE THIS WEEKEND
TO BE WITH TWO DUDES
THAT I'M TOTALLY NOT ATTRACTED TO.
MAY I KNOW EXACTLY WHY I'M HERE?
WELL, ASK YOURSELF... HOW CAN WE PLAY BEST FRIENDS ON TV
IF WE BARELY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER?
- [CROWD ROARS] - WHOO! YEAH!
OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I MEAN, NOT STAND-UP- A-HOT-DATE SENSE, BUT...
AND I'M HOPING THAT, BY THE END OF THIS TRIP,
I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY? DREAM BIG.
COME ON, SEVEN!
NO WAY. NO WAY!
HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I DON'T KNOW!
NOW, ON THIS HOT DATE OF YOURS, I'LL NEED SPECIFICS.
I'M A MARRIED GUY LIVING A SINGLE LIFE VICARIOUSLY
THROUGH YOUR... YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
ONE MORE TIME!
NO! COME ON. WHAT?
MORE SHOTS, GENTLEMEN?
MORE SHOTS.
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
♪ ♪
BURNS GOOD. IT'S A GOOD BURN.
WOMEN JUST THROW THEMSELVES AT YOU.
IT'S LIKE A SUPERPOWER.
YOUR SUPERPOWER IS FLATULENCE.
HEY! WE ALL HAVE OUR GIFTS AND I WOULDN'T TRADE MINE FOR HIS.
THAT MUST BE WHY
YOU'RE SO DARN POPULAR WITH THE LADIES.
WHAT'S YOUR SUPERPOWER, BOB?
THE ABILITY TO INSULT SOMEONE FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET?
I PREFER TO THINK OF MYSELF
AS MORE OF A TWISTED-GENIUS SUPER-VILLAIN.
BOB'S SUPERPOWER IS MONOGAMY.
HE WAS, LIKE, THE ONLY GUY I KNEW FROM THE COMEDY CLUBS
WHO WASN'T CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.
OH, YEAH? HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND SHERI BEEN TOGETHER?
SINCE WE WERE TEENAGERS.
- SERIOUSLY? - YOU THINK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE...
TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
[SCOFFS] NO, I'M JUST WONDERING
HOW SHE PUT UP WITH YOU FOR SO LONG.
[LAUGHING]
I HATE THIS GUY.
MOST MEN DO.
HEY, HEY. HEY! HEY.
- HEY! - HEY.
YOU GUYS WANT SOME COMPANY?
- YES! - YES, WE'D LOVE SOME COMPANY.
HEY. JOHN.
UH, DAVE. BOB.
THIS IS TROUBLE,
WHICH IS GOOD FOR YOU GUYS, BUT NOT SO GOOD FOR ME.
HAVE FUN, BOYS.
THE BLACKJACK TABLE IS CALLING MY NAME.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT SOME DRINKS, LADIES?
UH, FIVE WINE GLASSES OF TEQUILA.
[LAUGHTER]
["JESSE"]: JOEY?
["JOEY"]: BAD PUPPY NEEDS TO GO OUTSIDE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
BAD PUPPY NEEDS TO GO OUTSIDE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I THINK HE'S SLEEPWALKING.
WELL, LET'S NOT RUSH TO JUDGEMENT.
REMEMBER, UNCLE JOEY'S NOT ALL THAT AWAKE
EVEN WHEN HE'S... AWAKE.
[LAUGHTER]
I HEARD IT'S DANGEROUS
TO WAKE SOMEBODY UP WHEN THEY'RE SLEEP-WALKING.
[SNIFFS DEEPLY, COUGHS]
WHEW! I THINK SOMEBODY NEEDS A DIAPER CHANGE.
[JEFF]: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A CUT.
CUT, EVERYONE.
[SET BELL RINGS]
HEY, MAN, LOOK. WE LOVE THE TWINS,
BUT IS THERE ANY WAY TO GET THE BABIES
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE THEY COME ON STAGE?
YEAH. POTTY VETERANS.
WE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT.
I GOT A BUDDY WHO TRAINS POODLES.
IT'S TAKING FOREVER TO GET THROUGH ONE KID SCENE
WITH NO AUDIENCE.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET THROUGH AN ENTIRE SEASON?
I SAY WE HIRE A BUNCH OF STRIPPERS
AND INSTALL A POLE RIGHT HERE.
WHAT'S A STRIPPER?
HOPEFULLY, A CAREER PATH
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO FOLLOW.
BOB!
PUT A LID ON IT, WOULD YOU?
YOU CAN'T BE TALKING LIKE THAT WITH THE KIDS AROUND.
THIS ISN'T SOME NIGHTCLUB WHERE YOU'RE DOING YOUR ACT.
YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
BOB HAS QUITE A MOUTH ON HIM.
SOMETIMES, I THINK HE FORGETS THERE'S CHILDREN AROUND.
THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT I EXPECTED IT TO BE.
LET'S TAKE A BREAK!
GREAT JOB.
I THINK WE NEED TO TALK TO THE PRODUCERS.
- MM-HMM. - TOGETHER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE DOING SLEEPWALKING EPISODES.
WELL, I THINK IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.
OH, PLEASE.
PRYOR IS FUNNY. CARLIN IS FUNNY.
THIS IS IDIOTIC.
WELL, MAYBE,
BUT PEOPLE ARE REALLY STARTING TO FIND THE SHOW.
SO? I DIDN'T GET INTO COMEDY TO BE POPULAR.
I WANTED TO BE RELEVANT.
AND RESPECTED.
EXACTLY!
SAGET, I SAY THIS WITH RESPECT.
NOBODY KNOWS THEIR WAY AROUND A GENITALIA JOKE LIKE YOU DO.
I'M JUST NOT THIS "DANNY" GUY. I CAN'T STAND HIM.
EVERY LINE OUT OF MY MOUTH MAKES ME WANT TO HURL.
BOB, TAKE IT EASY.
NO.
THIS WAS A MISTAKE.
HEY, BOB!
BOB!
THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU. IT'S ABOUT ALL OF US.
I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY WE WENT TO VEGAS... TO BECOME A TEAM?
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT, BUT...
I NEED THIS SHOW TO WORK, OR I'M BACK ON YOUR COUCH.
AND I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER FLOP,
OR I'M BACK FLIPPING BURGERS WITH MY DAD.
AND YOU NEED IT, TOO,
WHETHER YOU WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT.
WE WON'T SUCCEED
IF YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO WALK OUT.
OKAY.
NO WALKING OUT.
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
- YOU HUNGRY? - STARVING!
[THUD]
OH, ASHLEY, HONEY...
[SIGHS] COME ON, BABE.
LITTLE MONKEY.
- HERE, LET ME HELP YOU. - THANK YOU.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR HANDS FULL!
YES. A LITTLE TOO FULL.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HELP?
I MEAN, DAVID DOES WHAT HE CAN,
BUT HE'S REALLY BUSY WITH WORK, AND...
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS REALLY GOOD FOR THE GIRLS.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I NEED TO TELL THE PRODUCERS
THAT THEY NEED TO FIND A NEW MICHELLE.
WAIT! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE?
DAVID AND I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE TWINS, BUT...
I JUST FEEL LIKE
I'M BEING PULLED IN ALL THESE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FAIR TO THE GIRLS.
BUT WE'RE JUST STARTING TO GET INTO A GROOVE,
AND OUR RATINGS ARE FINALLY STARTING TO GO UP A LITTLE,
AND HOW CAN WE REPLACE
THE CUTEST LITTLE GIRLS IN THE WORLD?
IT'S JUST GETTING REALLY HARD.
THEN WE'LL MAKE IT EASIER.
I'LL TALK TO THE PRODUCERS MYSELF.
WHATEVER YOU NEED? NANNIES, A DRIVER?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALL BY YOURSELF, JARNIE.
WE'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER. RIGHT, GIRLS?
[GIRLS]: YOU'RE RIGHT, UNCLE JOEY!
YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE RIGHT.
[JEFF]: WHY'S IT TAKING SO LONG?
JEFF, NETWORKS NEVER CALL ON TIME.
THEY'RE NOTORIOUS.
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
RELAX! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US ALL A HEART ATTACK.
THEY'RE GONNA CANCEL THE SHOW, AREN'T THEY?
LET'S THINK POSITIVELY.
MAYBE THIS WILL BE A GOOD CALL.
WE'RE RANKED NUMBER 55 IN THE RATINGS.
THE ONLY THING I'M POSITIVE ABOUT
IS THAT THEY'RE CANCELING THE SHOW.
IT TOOK A WHILE TO FIND ITS FEET,
BUT IT'S GETTING BETTER EVERY EPISODE.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW ONE WAY OR ANOTHER,
SO I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
[LINE RINGS]
OHH. THAT'S THE NETWORK, ISN'T IT?
IS IT TOO LATE TO CALL IN SICK?
[RINGING]
OH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY ANSWER IT.
[SPEAKERPHONE BEEPS]
HEY, IT'S JEFF!
TOM AND BOB ARE WITH ME AS WELL.
HEY, GUYS. SO, LISTEN.
SORRY FOR THE DELAY,
BUT WE FINALLY HAVE A DECISION ON YOUR PICK-UP.
[ALL CHEERING LOUDLY]
[LAUGHTER]
NOT ONLY DID THEY GIVE US A SECOND SEASON,
THEY'RE ALSO GOING TO BE AIRING FULL HOUSE REPEATS
TWICE A WEEK THIS SUMMER, SO MORE PEOPLE SEE IT.
THE NETWORK BELIEVES FULL HOUSE CAN BE A SUCCESS.
WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED A LOT THESE PAST FEW MONTHS.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS.
GOOD JOB, EVERYBODY.
[BREAKING WIND LOUDLY]
EW. HOW RUDE!
DUDE...
WHAT'D YOU EAT?
A MAGICIAN NEVER REVEALS HIS SECRETS.
THIS NEW SEASON IS GONNA BRING BIG CHANGES.
IT'LL BE LESS ABOUT THREE BUDDIES,
AND MORE ABOUT THE WHOLE FAMILY,
AND WE WON'T BE AFRAID OF REAL EMOTION.
THESE NORMAL GUYS STRUGGLING TO RAISE THREE GROWING GIRLS,
THAT'S WHERE THE MAGIC IS.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE ANY FUN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
FUN IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN IN THIS HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I CAN'T GO.
I ALREADY DID...
THE FIRST THREE TIMES WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
[LAUGHING]
["DJ"]: WE'LL ONLY BE GONE FOUR DAYS.
I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.
I DON'T KNOW TINA'S PARENTS.
I CAN'T LET YOU GO ON VACATION WITH THEM.
MAYBE IF YOU INVITED THEM OVER...
OH, THAT'LL BE TOO LATE.
THIS IS SO ANNOYING! I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE!
[CROWD]: AWW!
♪ ♪
SLOW PUSH. SLOW PUSH.
TAKE ONE.
[JEFF]: AND JUST WHEN THE AUDIENCE THINKS
THEY KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING,
WE'LL CHANGE IT UP.
WE'LL ADD SOME ROMANCE.
A NEW LOVE INTEREST FOR UNCLE JESSE.
SO BECKY AND JESSE, HUH?
YOU KNOW WHO THEY CAST?
NOT YET, BUT I HOPE SHE'S CUTE.
HEY, GUYS.
HAVE YOU MET LORI?
HEY.
JOHN?
LORI?
UH...
YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
UH... YEAH.
WE DATED A FEW TIMES.
YEARS AGO.
TILL HE DROPPED ME.
OH! UH, FLAG ON THE PLAY.
IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU WHO DROPPED ME.
I USUALLY KNOW WHEN
I'M THE DROPPER AND WHEN I'M THE DROP-EE.
EXCEPT THIS TIME, OBVIOUSLY.
GEEZ, I CAN SEE WHY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
WE WERE JUST KIDS.
ANYWAY, I'M SO EXCITED
WE'RE GETTING TO WORK TOGETHER.
YEAH, ME TOO. WELL.
WHATEVER YOU'VE BEEN UP TO, YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANKS. I GOT MARRIED. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
REALLY?
WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
LORI, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
DEFINITELY CUTE.
AND MARRIED.
AH, NOBODY'S PERFECT.
[JEFF]: AND WE'LL FOCUS EVEN MORE ON THE KIDS.
NOW WE KNOW WHAT THE GIRLS DO BEST,
SO WE'LL GIVE PEOPLE MORE OF WHAT THEY LOVE.
YOUR DAD'S NOT HOME YET, IS HE?
[WOMAN WHISPERS]: "I DON'T THINK SO."
I DON'T THINK SO.
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD. YOU KEEP A LOOKOUT. I'M ALMOST DONE.
[GROANS] OH.
I SHOULD'VE NEVER BORROWED YOUR DAD'S SHIRT WITHOUT ASKING.
YOU DON'T THINK HE'LL NOTICE, DO YOU?
[WHISPERS]: "YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER."
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER!
[LAUGHTER]
SHE POPPED OUT.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I THINK MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD TALK TO A LAWYER.
A LAWYER? WHY?
THE TWINS HAVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.
IT MIGHT BE TIME TO RENEGOTIATE THEIR CONTRACT.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
♪ EVERYBODY, HAVE FUN TONIGHT ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT! ♪
♪ EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT... ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[JEFF]: THIS SEASON, WE DO FULL HOUSE RIGHT.
WE MAKE IT A SHOW THE WHOLE FAMILY WANTS TO WATCH,
AND THE SUCCESS IT DESERVES TO BE.
YEAH!
♪ DEEP IN THE WORLD TONIGHT ♪
♪ OUR HEARTS BEAT SAFE AND SOUND ♪
♪ I'LL HOLD YOU SO CLOSE ♪
♪ JUST LET YOURSELF GO DOWN ♪
♪ YEAH! ♪
♪ RIP IT UP ♪
♪ MOVE DOWN ♪
♪ RIP IT UP ♪
♪ MOVE IT DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪
♪ RIP IT UP ♪
♪ COOL DOWN ♪
♪ RIP IT UP ♪
♪ GET OUT WHAT'S INSIDE OF YOU ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, HAVE FUN TONIGHT ♪
[BOB]: ISN'T THIS PLACE GORGEOUS?
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.
LIKE IT? I LOVE IT!
WELL, WE'RE MAKING MORE THAN I EVER DREAMED OF,
THE SHOW'S GETTING MORE POPULAR EVERY WEEK.
BESIDES, WE'LL NEED EXTRA SPACE AFTER THE TWINS ARE BORN.
FORTUNATELY, FOR MOMMY...
SELLING OUT PAYS VERY WELL THESE DAYS.
SHUT UP! YOU WORKED HARD FOR THIS.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A "FULL HOUSE" OF OUR OWN.
WELL, WE'RE GONNA DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY
IN OUR FULL HOUSE.
FOR STARTERS,
OUR KIDS AREN'T WATCHING STUPID FAMILY SITCOMS.
THEY'RE GONNA BE TOO BUSY MAKING STUPID FAMILY SITCOMS!
[LAUGHING] WHAT?
WE CRANK OUT A LITTER OF TINY THESPIANS,
HUMAN LINE-DELIVERING SYSTEMS,
EACH WITH HIS OR HER OWN WEEKLY PAYCHECK...
- BOB, YOU'RE CRAZY. - AND LET'S NOT FORGET DIVERSITY!
ANY CHANCE YOU COULD HAVE LATINO OFFSPRING AT SOME POINT?
♪ ...ACROSS THE NATION ♪
♪ AROUND THE WORLD ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT ♪
♪ A CELEBRATION SO SPREAD THE WORD ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, HAVE FUN! ♪
♪ ♪
OH, MY GOSH!
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!
ANDREA, PLEASE, WE'RE WORKING.
I KNOW, SORRY, IT'S JUST...
THEY JUST MADE KIMMY A SERIES REGULAR!
YOU'RE KIDDING!
SO YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE ALL THE TIME NOW?
DJ AND KIMMY ARE BEST FRIENDS ON THE SHOW!
AND NOW WE GET TO BE BEST FRIENDS HERE!
[SQUEALS] YAY!
IT'S GONNA BE SO GREAT TO HAVE SOMEONE MY OWN AGE AROUND.
I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING!
♪ ♪
WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?
JUST ASK HER OUT.
BUT JAYNE'S A MODEL.
SHE WAS ON THE COVER OF SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE.
DAVE, IF SHE WAS IN SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE THIS YEAR,
DO NOT ASK HER OUT.
IN FACT, LET'S JUST NOT MENTION THIS TO ANYBODY,
EXCEPT A LICENSED THERAPIST.
STOP. JAYNE'S 24, BUT...
I'M A CLOWN.
YOU KNOW, I DO FUNNY VOICES AND FART JOKES.
YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING, FUNNY,
SUCCESSFUL LEAD OF A NETWORK TV SERIES.
YOU'RE A CATCH, MAN!
WELL, WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT YOU'D GO OUT WITH ME,
I GUESS THAT'S A START.
DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEWEST TV-Q RANKINGS FOR OUR SHOW?
- NO. - I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE.
WHO CARES WHICH ACTOR'S MORE POPULAR THAN THE OTHER?
OH, YEAH? WELL, JUST FOR FUN,
WHY DON'T YOU GUESS WHICH ONE OF US RANKS HIGHEST?
LOOK. YOU KNOW HOW I ROLL... WE'RE A TEAM.
WE CAN'T BE AFFECTED BY SILLY RANKINGS.
IT'S THE OLSEN TWINS.
- WHAT? - YES.
THAT'S SUCH BULL-CRAP.
THEY'RE THREE YEARS OLD!
AND ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS WELL-KNOWN THAN MICHAEL JACKSON.
"MICHELLE TANNER IS CURRENTLY
THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE FEMALE CHARACTER ON TV."
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD TO HATE THEM
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO CUTE AND SO NICE,
BUT I'M GONNA TRY MY BEST ANYWAY.
HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO TELL THE PRODUCERS I NEED MORE SCENES WITH MICHELLE!
SHOULD WE BOTHER TELLING HIM
THE PRODUCERS' OFFICE IS THAT WAY?
NO.
♪ ♪
WAIT!
WAIT-WAIT-WAIT-WAIT-WAIT FOR ME!
♪ ♪
WHAT KIND OF RENEGOTIATION
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FOR THE TWINS?
- DOUBLE. - DOUBLE?
THAT'S CRAZY.
WELL, ROBERT SAID HE THOUGHT THAT WAS FAIR.
ALL WE WANT IS TO DO RIGHT BY THE GIRLS.
AND MAYBE PUT ASIDE ENOUGH FOR THEM
TO GO FOR COLLEGE WHEN IT'S TIME.
WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA GO TO COLLEGE
IN A PRIVATE JET?
THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
AND YET THEY'RE ALREADY FULL OF POSSIBILITIES.
BOOKS, RECORDS... WHO KNOWS?
BUT AS THE GIRLS' ATTORNEY,
MY FIRST PRIORITY IS MAKING SURE
THEY GET PAID WHAT THEY DESERVE.
YOU SAID DOUBLE?
EACH.
♪ ♪
[TAPPING TABLE]
AM I BEING FIRED?
BECAUSE, IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON KILLING OFF DANNY TANNER,
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT WAY.
HE GETS A LETHAL CASE OF V.D.
FROM A SEVEN-FOOT HOOKER
HE PICKS UP AFTER GETTING STRUNG OUT ON HEROIN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK FIRST.
WE LOVE YOU, BOB.
IN FACT...
WE BROUGHT YOU HERE
BECAUSE WE WANT TO OFFER YOU ANOTHER SHOW.
IS IT LATE-NIGHT? 'CAUSE THAT'D BE PERFECT!
SOMETHING EDGIER, WHERE I HAD THE FREEDOM TO...
IT'S CALLED
AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.
HYSTERICAL LITTLE HOME MOVIES
OF PEOPLE FALLING DOWN
AND ALL SORTS OF SILLY STUFF.
WE THINK FAMILIES ARE GOING TO LOVE IT.
THAT SOUNDS EVEN MORE SOPHOMORIC THAN FULL HOUSE.
[LAUGHING]
JUST KIDDING.
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IS IT?
[ALL LAUGHING]
YOU SEE, THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE THOUGHT OF YOU.
YOU ARE EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE FUNNY TV DAD.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A GOOD THING.
[EXECS LAUGHING]
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
EVERY TIME, HE KILLS ME!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THE DAY I HAD TODAY.
IF IT INCLUDED DIARRHEA AND PROJECTILE VOMITING,
THEN IT WAS BETTER THAN MINE.
AW, MAN, ALL THE GOOD STUFF
HAPPENS WHEN I'M GONE.
OH, WELL, THE DAY IS STILL YOUNG.
YOUR TIME MAY COME YET.
I GOT CALLED INTO THE NETWORK OFFICE.
OH, NO. AGAIN?
NO, I WASN'T BEING FIRED.
SHOCKING, HUH?
WELL, WHAT DO THEY WANT?
TO OFFER ME ANOTHER SHOW,
A HOSTING GIG.
REALLY? THAT'S GREAT!
I THINK...
IT WOULD MEAN A LOT MORE WORK.
BUT IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
WE SEE YOU SO LITTLE AS IT IS.
I KNOW. AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT THE WHOLE RIDE HOME,
I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE YEARS
SPENT POUNDING THE PAVEMENT, JUST TRYING TO GET A BREAK.
WHO KNOWS IF WE'LL EVER HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS?
SOUNDS LIKE YOU ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND.
YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT?
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE DOING THIS
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO DO IT,
NOT BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO.
WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
THIS NEW SHOW, IT'S CALLED AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS,
AND I WOULD GET TO WRITE ON IT AS WELL AS HOST,
DO MY OWN COMEDY BITS WITH MY OWN SENSIBILITY.
ON NETWORK TELEVISION?
MAYBE NOT MY SENSIBILITY.
[LAUGHS] YEAH.
BUT A LOT CLOSER THAN I'VE BEEN GETTING.
[BABY STARTS CRYING]
I'VE GOT IT. IT'S HOW WE DO THINGS, RIGHT?
AS A TEAM.
TEAM "US"!
YOU AND ME! PEW-PEW! PEW!
♪ ♪
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! ♪
WHATCHA DOING?
WE'RE PRACTICING FOR TOMORROW NIGHT'S SHOW.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GUYS SING.
SO DO WE.
HEY! LET'S TAKE IT ONE MORE TIME FROM THE TOP.
♪ ♪
♪ IT'S A CELEBRATION ♪
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! ♪
♪ LET'S CELEBRATE ♪
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! ♪
♪ THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON RIGHT HERE ♪
- HEY! - ♪ A CELEBRATION ♪
I JUST HEARD ABOUT AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.
- THAT'S GREAT! - THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA HANDLE WORKING TWO SHOWS, THOUGH?
IT'S GONNA BE BRUTAL.
WORKING HIATUS WEEKS, NIGHTS, WEEKENDS.
- SHERI OKAY WITH IT? - ♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
WELL, IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT WE'LL WORK IT OUT.
WE ALWAYS DO.
MAN, DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?
I'M A SEXUAL ATHLETE, DAVE,
NOT A FORTUNE TELLER, YOU KNOW THAT.
GOD, I LOVE MY JOB.
IT'S HARD TO DECIDE WHICH SUCKS LESS,
THE MONEY OR THE FAME.
TOO BAD IT WON'T LAST.
WHY NOT?
IT CAN'T BE REAL LIFE, BECAUSE EVERYONE'S TOO HAPPY.
FEELS PRETTY REAL TO ME.
LIFE INSIDE OF A BUBBLE ALWAYS DOES.
YOU KNOW, BOB...
SOMETIMES, YOU'RE A REAL DOWNER.
COME ON, GIRLS.
COME ON, LET'S GO!
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ COME ON! ♪
- HERE WE GO. - LET'S GO DANCE.
♪ LET'S CELEBRATE ♪
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ COME ON! ♪
♪ THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ A CELEBRATION TO LAST THROUGHOUT THE YEAR ♪
♪ SO BRING YOUR GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ AND YOUR LAUGHTER, TOO ♪
♪ WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE AND PARTY WITH YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
♪ CELEBRATION ♪
♪ LET'S ALL CELEBRATE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME ♪
♪ CELEBRATION ♪
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
[TV ANNOUNCER]: AND NOW, KICKING OFF T.G.I.F....
IT'S A BRAND-NEW EPISODE OF FULL HOUSE!
["FULL HOUSE" THEME PLAYS]
♪ ♪
HEY. HEY, MAN. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY. HOW ARE YOU?
[BOB]: OH, NO, WE JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION.
I'VE STILL GOT SAND IN MY UNDERWEAR.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- ...LOOKS GREAT. - HEY!
- [ALL OVERLAPPING]: HEY! - YOU LOOK NICE.
THANK YOU.
SO JAYNE AND I HAVE SOME NEWS.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!
- [SHOCKED LAUGHTER] - WOW!
WOW...
[LORI]: CONGRATULATIONS!
[BOB]: MAZEL TOV!
YOU DON'T MEAN TO EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
YES. LOOK. WE EVEN GOT THE RING.
I HAD A VOLKSWAGEN THAT SIZE IN COLLEGE.
THAT WAS FAST.
I KNOW, ISN'T IT GREAT?
THANKS, BUDDY. WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
HEY, WELL, I GUESS IF IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU,
IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYBODY, RIGHT?
[CHUCKLING]
SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE NOT AWARE
OF THE WHOLE FLATULENCE SITUATION,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
- SHE KNOWS! SHE KNOWS! - [LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I SEE A PRETTY GIRL
THAT NEEDS ME TO GET HER A GLASS OF WINE.
YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
HEY, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTING, INDISTINCT]
SEE, NOW, THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
WE'LL GET TWO.
HEY.
♪ ♪
THERE YOU GO.
LORI!
♪ ♪
LORI!
YOU CAN'T FLIRT ANYMORE. WE'RE ENGAGED.
I SMILED AT HER.
I'D HARDLY CALL THAT FLIRTING.
LORI.
CAN WE JUST TAKE A QUICK BREAK?
HI.
WHAT'S WRONG?
THIS SAYS I HAVE TO KISS KEVIN.
I'VE NEVER KISSED A GUY.
AW, YOU'LL BE FINE. IT'S YOUR CHARACTER, NOT YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.
DO I LEAN IN?
WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?
SWEETIE, YOU'RE OVERTHINKING THIS.
BUT EVERYBODY WILL BE WATCHING!
THE CREW AND THE AUDIENCE...
AND THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AT HOME!
OKAY.
STAMOS?
GET OVER HERE.
LET'S SHOW HER HOW IT'S DONE.
YEAH! SHOW ME.
IT'S EASY FOR YOU GUYS, RIGHT?
YOU KISS ON THE SHOW ALL THE TIME!
YEAH.
- YEAH. - [LAUGHS] YEAH.
UH...
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
NO. LEAVE THEM OPEN. IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.
AND THEN, JUST MAYBE, TAKE HER HAND...
LIKE THIS.
YEP. AND...
THEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OR DON'T.
AND YOU JUST LEAN IN SLOWLY.
- LIKE THIS. - AND...
THEN YOU JUST KISS.
♪ ♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
SEE? NO REAL EMOTION INVOLVED.
JUST PROFESSIONAL ACTING.
IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
YOU'LL DO GREAT, CANDACE.
CONGRATULATIONS!
- THAT'S GREAT, MAN! - THANKS.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A DAD.
NOT A REAL ONE, ANYWAY.
WELL, SINCE JAYNE'S PREGNANT,
IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT INSIGHT, ISN'T IT?
KISS YOUR VEGAS WEEKENDS GOODBYE.
YEAH, EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU'RE STILL SINGLE AND EVERY WOMAN WANTS YOU.
I HAVEN'T DATED THAT MANY WOMEN.
[GUYS SNICKERING]
THEN WE MUST DO MATH DIFFERENTLY!
CHELSEA NOBLE...
- MARLEE MATLIN. - DENISE RICHARDS.
DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN ON MORE HOT WOMEN
THAN SUNBLOCK.
OKAY, I GET IT.
OH! PAULA ABDUL. LET'S NOT FORGET HER.
CURRENT FLAME,
BIGGEST POP STAR ON THE PLANET.
- I REALLY LIKE PAULA. - REALLY?
I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE.
WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?
I'M SERIOUS.
I REALLY LIKE HER.
- HEY, GUYS. - [OVERLAPPING]: HEY.
- HEY. - SIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SHERI SAID IT'S WHERE I'D FIND YOU.
I LEFT A COUPLE OF MESSAGES,
BUT THIS WON'T WAIT.
I'M SORRY, IT'S BEEN CRAZY.
IS THERE SOMEWHERE WE CAN WE TALK?
SURE. YEAH. HEY, COME ON.
- WE'LL GO OVER HERE. - ALL RIGHT.
♪ ♪
YOU'RE SURE?
IT'S A PRETTY RARE DISEASE.
THE DOCTORS SAY THE FORM I HAVE
IS PARTICULARLY SEVERE.
SO HOW DO WE FIX THIS?
WHATEVER IT TAKES, WE'LL DO IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY, OKAY?
OKAY.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.
THERE'S NO CURE.
[OTHER CAST LAUGHING AS THEY PASS]
HEY.
[PRESS CLAMORING, BULBS POPPING]
PAULA! PAULA!
[CROWD ROARING]
[OVERLAPPING]: PAULA! PAULA!
JOHN, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DATING PAULA ABDUL?
IT'S GREAT. YEAH. THANKS. UH...
YOU'RE STILL ON THAT KIDS' SHOW, RIGHT?
YEAH. YEAH.
EXCUSE ME.
[PRESS CONTINUES TO CLAMOR FOR PAULA]
[JOHN]: I'M GONNA FIRE MY AGENTS.
THEY GOT YOU ON A HIT SHOW. WHY WOULD YOU FIRE THEM?
BECAUSE!
THEY HAVEN'T GOTTEN ME A MOVIE.
YOU KNOW, I NEED A ROLE
WHERE I CAN PROVE TO PEOPLE
I'M NOT JUST SOME AIRHEAD SITCOM ACTOR.
IT'S NEVER ENOUGH, IS IT?
YOU WANTED TO BE ON A SUCCESSFUL TV SHOW,
YOU GOT IT.
YOU WANTED A NICE GIRLFRIEND,
NOW YOU'RE DATING
ONE OF THE TOP ENTERTAINERS IN THE WORLD.
YEAH, WELL, NOT ANYMORE.
PAULA AND I DECIDED IT WASN'T WORKING OUT.
OF COURSE NOT.
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG, ISN'T THERE?
WITH THE GIRL, WITH THE JOB...
I-I JUST... I WANT PEOPLE TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
WELL, THEY WON'T,
UNTIL YOU TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY.
ALL THAT PARTYING YOU DO?
THAT'S HOLLYWOOD!
IT'S PART OF THE GAME.
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
YOU WANT TO MESS AROUND LIKE A KID? FINE.
HAVE FUN, YOU DESERVE IT.
BUT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE...
YOU HAVE TO GROW UP.
NO AGENT IS GONNA HELP YOU WITH THAT.
♪ ♪
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE CAMERA BLOCKING,
SO LET'S GET THE CAST ON SET, PLEASE.
SO I TOLD THEM, "SURE, I'LL DO AMERICA'S FUNNIEST PETS,
BUT ONLY IF YOU LET ME HOST MY DREAM PROJECT..."
WHAT?
"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST SEXUAL POSITIONS"."
[LAUGHS]
I'D WATCH THAT SHOW.
I'D BE ON THAT SHOW.
- AND YOU'D WIN $10,000. - [DAVE LAUGHS]
MAYBE THIS STAND-IN MANNEQUIN HERE
COULD BE MY CO-STAR.
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT, SEXY?
[HIGH VOICE]: YES. SO SEXY.
[AS HIMSELF]: HEY. YOU WANNA AUDITION FOR THE PART?
[HIGH VOICE]: YES, I DO, PLEASE.
[AS SELF]: ALL RIGHT.
GREAT THING ABOUT A MANNEQUIN IS THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH
UP FOR ANYTHING.
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT RIGHT NOW.
INTO THE CHAIR...
GET SOME WATER SPLASHED ALL OVER US.
THIS IS ALL FROM THE TWINS?
[EXHALES] WOW! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
THEY RECORDED A CD?
AND WE'RE WORKING ON IDEAS NOW
FOR A NEW SERIES OF VIDEOS.
WE FEEL CONFIDENT
IT'LL REALLY BUILD THE "OLSEN TWINS" BRAND.
YOU TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THEY'RE A PRODUCT.
A VERY LUCRATIVE PRODUCT.
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY ARE PRODUCERS ON EVERYTHING WE DO.
"DUALSTAR" IS THEIR COMPANY,
BUT MY JOB
IS TO GROW IT FOR THEM AS EFFECTIVELY AS POSSIBLE.
YOU KNOW, FULL HOUSE IS SUCH A HIT,
I'LL BET YOU I COULD TALK ABC INTO DOING A TV MOVIE
WITH THE GIRLS.
THAT'D BE GREAT.
A CHRISTMAS MOVIE, THAT'S SOMETHING WE'D TALKED ABOUT.
MM.
[HIGH VOICE]: BOB, WE GOTTA GO HAVE SEX.
MAYBE MAKE SOME LOVE.
[AS SELF]: WANNA GO ON VACATION?
[HIGH VOICE]: YEAH!
OH, I KNOW.
[HIGH VOICE]: TAKE ME HOME!
[AS SELF]: OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
I WILL TAKE YOU HOME.
WANNA MEET MY BUDDY OVER HERE?
[HIGH VOICE]: YES.
AH, HE'S A SEXY BOY, ISN'T HE?
[AS SELF]: MAYBE I'LL TAKE HER ON A LITTLE DATE FIRST.
RIGHT, BABY? AHH...
WANNA CUDDLE?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN,
AND I DON'T CARE.
YOU'RE PROBABLY FILTHY.
[HIGH VOICE]: THAT'S RIGHT. I AM.
[AS SELF]: WHY DON'T WE GO MAKE OUT?
THIS FEED ISN'T GOING UP TO JEFF'S OFFICE, IS IT?
LOOK AT THIS GUY OVER HERE.
I THINK HE WANTS A PIECE OF...
JEFF, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS.
[HIGH VOICE]: HE CAN'T HAVE ANY.
I'M ALREADY HERE WITH BOB.
- [JEFF]: AW, GEEZ. - OH! OH!
[TOM]: WHAT'S HE DOING?
[SIGHS]
[BOB AS SELF]: SO SHINY AND GOLD AND ALABASTER.
[JEFF, PISSED]: YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL, BOB!
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE!
IT'S NOT A JOKE TO THE PARENTS,
AND I'M THE ONE THEY SCREAM AT!
THAT'S YOUR JOB... FEARLESS LEADER.
MY "JOB"...
IS TO KEEP THIS SHOW ON THE AIR.
I DON'T NEED ANY OTHER HEADACHES.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT ON YOUR PLATE,
BUT WHATEVER YOU HAVE GOING ON WITH YOU,
KEEP IT OUTSIDE OF THESE WALLS.
LIGHTEN UP, JEFF. IT'S JUST A JOKE...
I'M SERIOUS, BOB!
GET IT TOGETHER.
YES, SIR!
WOULDN'T WANT REAL LIFE
TO INTRUDE ON THIS HAPPY FANTASYLAND YOU CREATED.
♪ ♪
[JOHN STRUMMING GUITAR]
♪ ♪
[JOHN STOPS]
YOU KNOW...
I STOPPED READING THOSE RAGS.
MOST OF IT'S ONLY HALF-TRUE AT BEST.
I KNOW.
KINDA HARD TO STOP, THOUGH, HUH?
HECK, SOMETIMES, EVEN I WANT TO KNOW.
"GROWING PAINS STAR TRACEY GOLD'S
STRUGGLE WITH ANOREXIA".
[QUIETLY]: WOW.
I'VE KNOWN TRACEY EVER SINCE KIRK STARTED GROWING PAINS.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO SAY
SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE?
IT'S HOW THEY SELL MAGAZINES.
THEY SAID PLENTY ABOUT ME OVER THE YEARS.
MY OWN DAD WORRIES I'M SOME SORT OF PARTY ANIMAL,
'CAUSE PEOPLE KEEP SHOWING HIM THIS TRASH.
I GUESS THEY SAY THINGS ABOUT YOU, TOO, HUH?
YEAH... ABOUT MY WEIGHT.
THAT I'M CHUBBY, BUT I DON'T THINK I AM.
I STARTED WORKING WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, TOO.
THEY GIVE US ALL THIS PRAISE,
MAKE US THINK WE'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL,
THEN AS SOON AS WE TURN AROUND,
THEY SAY SOMETHING AWFUL.
I KNOW WE SHOULDN'T LISTEN, BUT...
HOW DO YOU KNOW
IF YOU'RE GETTING MESSED UP BY THIS BUSINESS
AND DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT?
YOU KNOW YOURSELF BETTER THAN SOME STUPID MAGAZINE.
SOMETIMES, I THINK ABOUT GOING TO A REGULAR SCHOOL.
FOOTBALL GAMES AND PROMS AND HUNDREDS OF OTHER KIDS.
I WONDER WHAT IT'D BE LIKE JUST TO BE NORMAL?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
MY BROTHER THINKS I NEED TO GET CLOSER TO GOD,
THAT IF I HAVE FAITH, EVERYTHING WILL BE CLEAR.
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN WAYS
OF KEEPING OUR HEADS ON STRAIGHT.
KIRK HAS RELIGION.
I'VE GOT MUSIC.
YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU.
OKAY?
OKAY.
♪ ♪
[DOG BARKING ON VIDEO]
- BOB? - COME IN.
HEY.
DID YOU KNOW DAVE WAS COMING BACK TO WORK TODAY?
ALREADY? I THOUGHT HIS SISTER'S FUNERAL WAS YESTERDAY.
YEAH, YEAH, HE FLEW IN THIS MORNING,
AND NOW HE'S THERE, ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
HE'S JOKING AROUND WITH THE TWINS.
LET'S GO TALK TO HIM.
OKAY, YOU JUST HAVE TO FLAP YOUR WINGS.
YEAH! AND MAKE BIRD SOUNDS, TOO!
- TWEET! TWEET! - THEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO FLY!
[OVERLAPPING]: TWEET-TWEET! TWEET!
THAT'S RIGHT!
- TWEET-TWEET! - TWEET!
- TWEET-TWEET-TWEET-TWEET-TWEET! - TWEET, TWEET!
[LAUGHS]
HEY, DAVE.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A FEW DAYS OFF, RIGHT?
DIDN'T NEED TO.
COME ON, MAN. THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
YOU GOT TO GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
REALLY, UH, I'M GOOD.
YOU GUYS KNOW I HATE MISSING REHEARSAL.
SCREW REHEARSAL. DAVE. HEY!
YOUR SISTER JUST DIED.
LOOK, THIS IS THE LAST PLACE YOU NEED TO BE.
YEAH, MAN. GO HOME.
SPEND SOME TIME WITH JAYNE AND THE BABY.
[EXHALES] WELL, THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD...
SINCE IT TURNS OUT WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED.
WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED, WHAT, LESS THAN TWO YEARS?
WHICH, IT TURNS OUT,
WAS APPARENTLY TOO LONG.
DID YOU GUYS SEE A SHRINK OR ANYTHING?
NO.
IT'S OVER.
THE TRUTH IS...
I'M NOT SO GOOD AT BEING A GROWN-UP.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
I THINK YOU'RE FOOLING US!
HUH. THAT'S WEIRD.
IT ALWAYS WORKED FOR ME WHEN I WAS A KID.
♪ ♪
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
IF REAL LIFE WAS MORE LIKE FULL HOUSE?
NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR PROBLEM IS,
AT THE END OF A HALF HOUR,
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE OKAY.
AND THAT ANYTHING COULD BE SOLVED
WITH A FEW BOWLS OF ICE CREAM
AND SOME HUGS.
[QUIET CHUCKLE]
♪ ♪
HEY, CANDACE.
HEY!
HEY. HOW ARE YOU LIKING IT HERE SO FAR?
UH, IT'S COOL.
IT'S HARD GETTING USED TO HOW BIG THE SCHOOL IS.
PROBABLY REALLY DIFFERENT, HUH?
TOTALLY. WHEN I'M ON SET,
THERE'S NEVER MORE THAN FOUR OF US IN CLASS.
DON'T YOU GET SICK OF EACH OTHER?
UH, SOMETIMES.
IT CAN JUST BE REALLY BORING.
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AFTER FOURTH PERIOD.
GREAT. BYE.
OH, MY GOD.
COULD SHE BE ANY MORE CONCEITED?
"WHEN I'M ON THE SET, IT'S JUST SO BORING."
SHE THINKS SHE'S THIS BIG DEAL,
BUT SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY.
AND THE SHOW'S SO STUPID.
♪ ♪
WHY ARE THEY SO MEAN TO YOU?
THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS, THAT'S ALL.
YOU CAN'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT.
I JUST THOUGHT GOING TO A NORMAL SCHOOL
FOR A WHILE WOULD BE FUN,
TO SEE WHAT WE WERE MISSING.
I'M SURE THERE'S SOME NICE KIDS, TOO.
YOU'LL MAKE SOME FRIENDS.
I WANNA GO TO NORMAL SCHOOL, TOO!
I DON'T. I LIKE IT JUST BEING US.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO A NORMAL SCHOOL EVENTUALLY.
- READY, GIRLS? - YEAH.
GOOD LUCK.
[FANS CHEERING]
♪ ♪
[WILD CHEERING CONTINUES]
[DAVE]: HE'S COMING TO THE THREE-POINT LINE!
HE'S TAKING OFF...
WHOO!
[LAUGHING] AH! YEAH!
OH...
HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
WE'RE JUST PICKING UP A QUICK SCENE
WITH LORI AND THE TWINS.
YOU GUYS CAN CHILL FOR A COUPLE...
JUST STAY READY, OKAY?
WE WERE BORN READY.
GREAT TO SEE YOU WEARING MEN'S CLOTHES AGAIN!
[GUYS SNICKERING]
HEY!
CAN YOU DO THIS?
IT'S ALL IN BODY AND NECK CONTROL.
YOU CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?
IF I COULD,
I'D BE WORKING AT CHIPPENDALE'S.
[DAVE CHUCKLES]
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WE GOT BORED.
THE GIRLS WERE TAKING FOREVER TO DO THEIR SCENE.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
OH... HELLO!
LOOKIE HERE!
HEY, I WANT ONE, TOO.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT.
YEAH. YOU READY? READY?
- NO. - YEP.
[GAS HISSING, MEN INHALING]
[ALL GIGGLING DELIRIOUSLY]
[SPLAT]
WHAT?
[LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
♪ ♪
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING IN STUDIO]
[GUYS' MUFFLED LAUGHTER NEARBY]
[MEN LAUGHING, CANISTERS HISSING]
[UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLING]
GUYS!
I NEED YOU GUYS ON SET!
I'VE GOT A LIVE AUDIENCE FALLING ASLEEP OUT THERE.
- LET'S GO! - SURE THING, BOSS.
DO YOU THINK SOME WHIPPED CREAM WILL WAKE 'EM UP?
COME ON, GUYS. I'M SERIOUS.
[SUPPRESSED GIGGLING]
[GAS HISSING, MEN GIGGLING]
GUYS! COME ON!
[STILL GIGGLING]
OKAY! YOUR SISTERS ARE FINALLY DOWN FOR THEIR NAPS.
WHERE'D DADDY GO?
ON THE PHONE AGAIN.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
COME ON, I'LL HELP.
I HAVE TO GO.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
ARE YOU GONNA GO BE WITH YOUR OTHER FAMILY?
SWEETIE, YOU ARE MY FAMILY.
YOUR TV FAMILY.
YOU'RE ALWAYS WITH THEM INSTEAD OF US.
THAT'S JUST WORK.
AND THAT'S NOT WHERE I'M GOING... I'M GONNA GO VISIT AUNT GAY.
IS SHE SICK AGAIN?
YEAH.
BUT I'M GONNA GO TAKE CARE OF HER. OKAY?
OKAY, RUN ALONG, HONEY.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, PUMPKIN.
HOW IS SHE?
NOT GOOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
ME TOO. I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
♪ ♪
THEY'VE BEEN THE TALK OF THE TOWN!
THEY'RE ON NEWSPAPERS,
THEY'RE ON MAGAZINE COVERS,
AND I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME TO SEE 'EM.
THEY'RE AMERICA'S TWIN SWEETHEARTS...
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN.
HOW COME THEY GET INVITED
ONTO ALL THE TALK SHOWS?
THEY'RE KIDS! WHAT DO THEY EVEN HAVE TO TALK ABOUT?
EVIDENTLY, MORE THAN WE DO.
[TV AUDIENCE CHEERING]
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS RIGHT?
THE OLSEN TWINS VIDEOS ARE FLYING OFF THE SHELVES.
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY ARE NOW BOTH OFFICIALLY MILLIONAIRES.
BUT THEY'RE ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD!
UH, COULD YOU GIVE US A MINUTE?
OF COURSE.
[DOOR THUDS]
[JARNIE]: MILLIONAIRES? OUR GIRLS?
THIS IS GOING WAY TOO FAR.
BE REASONABLE, JARNIE.
THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY!
DAVID, WE NEED TO STOP THIS.
THIS IS ALREADY WAY MORE
THAN THE GIRLS WILL EVER NEED.
I KNOW, IT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN...
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE CHILDREN,
AND NOW THEY HAVE THIS WHOLE COMPANY.
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE HAPPY. RIGHT?
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY LOVE IT HERE.
THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT THEY'VE EVER EXPERIENCED.
AND IT'S BEEN PRETTY GREAT SO FAR.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, JARNIE?
YOU WANT TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN?
HOW ARE YOU GONNA EXPLAIN THAT TO THEM WHEN THEY'RE OLDER?
WE WILL SAY THAT WE AGREED THAT IT'S IN THEIR BEST INTEREST.
I DON'T AGREE.
[DOOR OPENS]
MOM, CAN WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER AT JODIE'S HOUSE TONIGHT?
HER MOM SAID IT'S OKAY.
YEAH. YEAH. OF COURSE. YEAH. OKAY.
GO PLAY.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
I WANT TO GO OVER SOME THINGS WITH ROBERT BEFORE HE LEAVES.
♪ ♪
WE'LL JUST BE A FEW MINUTES BEHIND YOU.
♪ ♪
I'LL GO ON AHEAD.
YOU FOLLOW ALONG WHEN YOU'RE READY.
NO. I SHOULD GO.
THERE'S NO HURRY.
GO SAY HELLO.
TIMES LIKE THIS, YOU NEED YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU DON'T MIND?
WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE HOUSE.
[LIMO STARTS]
HEY. HOW'S YOUR FAMILY DOING?
HANGING IN THERE.
YOU KNOW...
I CAN SPONSOR YOU FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE "DEAD SISTERS CLUB."
YOU CAN COME TO OUR NEXT MEETING.
DAVE, REALLY?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT? TOO SOON?
[SCOFFS] YEAH.
I'LL ONLY JOIN
IF I CAN BE CLUB PRESIDENT.
[CHUCKLES]
WILL YOU TWO STOP?
WAIT, THAT'S NOT, LIKE, ACTUALLY A THING.
RIGHT? YOU'RE JUST KIDDING?
[ALL LAUGHING]
♪ ♪
♪ MAMA PUT MY GUNS IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ AND I CAN'T SHOOT THEM ANYMORE ♪
♪ THAT LONG BLACK CLOUD IS COMIN' DOWN ♪
♪ I FEEL I'M KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR ♪
♪ KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR ♪
HOW'RE YOU DOING?
SPLENDID.
LIAR.
LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY...
I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE.
THE DISTRACTION'S GOOD.
♪ KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR ♪♪
- [ALL APPLAUDING] - WHOO!
ALL RIGHT, JESSE!
THAT WAS GREAT, GUYS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE.
UM, I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.
ARE WE GETTING CANCELED?
NO, NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.
SINCE THEY MOVED US TO TUESDAY NIGHTS,
THE SHOW'S DOING WELL.
IN FACT, WE WERE RANKED NUMBER 14 THIS WEEK.
WOW!
OUR SUCCESS IS ACTUALLY PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
ABC PICKED UP MY NEW SHOW, HANGIN' WITH MR. COOPER...
- NICE! - IT'S GREAT NEWS...
BUT THE TROUBLE IS,
THEY WANT ME TO FOCUS ALL MY TIME ON IT.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD SUCK ENORMOUS...
BOB.
OLD HABITS DIE HARD.
- [SNICKERING] - YOU WERE SAYING?
I'LL STILL BE AROUND NOW AND THEN, BUT... YEAH.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ALL MY EXTENDED FAMILY.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
[CAST GUSHING]
BRING IT IN.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
AWW! CONGRATULATIONS.
HAD TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.
SOMEBODY WAS BOUND TO LEAVE.
TOLD YOU IT COULDN'T LAST FOREVER.
♪ ♪
BUT WE'VE ALREADY CANCELED TWICE.
SO GO. TAKE THE GIRLS.
YOUR PARENTS DON'T CARE ABOUT SEEING ME ANYWAY.
YOUR DAD LOOKS AT ME
LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT WE DO TOGETHER AT NIGHT.
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THREE CHILDREN
ON A PLANE BY MYSELF?
I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR THE NEW HOME VIDEOS.
YOU KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE THIS
WHEN I TOOK THE SECOND SHOW.
THIS IS WHAT BEING WILDLY SUCCESSFUL LOOKS LIKE...
I RUN AROUND LIKE I'M NUTS,
AND THEY THROW LOTS OF CASH AT US. THE END.
I GET THAT.
I JUST WANT YOU TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY.
AND I WILL. I PROMISE.
JUST NOT THIS WEEKEND.
♪ ♪
[SIGHS]
♪ ♪
HI. I'M DAVE.
OH. HEY.
HI. HOW'S IT GOING? DAVE.
OH! HELLO.
YOU HAVE GOT TO EMCEE THIS EVENT
EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, I FIGURED YOU'D ENJOY THIS...
YOU BEING SUCH A BIG FAN OF COUTURE.
OH, YEAH. YEAH. BIG FAN.
SO, THE AFTER-PARTY,
ALL THESE WOMEN WILL BE THERE, CORRECT?
I'M GONNA BE EXHAUSTED, BUT YOU GO.
YOU'VE GOT PLENTY TO KEEP YOU BUSY.
YOU'RE GONNA PASS UP AN OPEN-BAR EVENT
FILLED WITH SUPERMODELS?
I THINK ALL THAT HAIRSPRAY
HAS GUNKED UP YOUR BRAIN.
I'M NOT INTO IT LIKE I USED TO BE.
FORTUNATELY, I'M INTO IT ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US.
PLEASE BEHAVE.
ONLY AS A LAST ALTERNATIVE.
[LAUGHS]
OH! I'M SO SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. IS THE DRESS TORN?
NO. UH, NO.
IT DIDN'T RIP.
THANK GOD. GIORGIO WOULD'VE KILLED ME.
I, UH...
I'M... I'M, UH...
JOHN?
- JOHN! YES. - JOHN STAMOS.
UH, AND I'M CLEARLY
A CLUMSY IDIOT, TOO.
THEN WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
I'D BETTER GO.
HEY! UH, WAIT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
REBECCA. REBECCA ROMIJN.
REBECCA.
ARE YOU GOING TO THE PARTY LATER?
SURE.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
♪ ♪
NOT INTO IT ANYMORE, MY ASS.
SHUT UP.
♪ ♪
HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING? I LIKE THE OTHER ONE BETTER.
I MEAN, IT'S A NO-BRAINER, RIGHT?
WELL, WE TOOK A HIT THIS YEAR,
BUT FULL HOUSE IS STILL IN THE TOP 25.
SO WHY HAVEN'T THEY RENEWED US?
[INTERCOM]: I HAVE THE NETWORK FOR YOU ON ONE.
- [BEEP] - HEY.
YOU'VE GOT TOM AND BOB HERE.
OKAY, YOU'VE GOT YOUR SCRIPTS?
AND HAVE YOU MEMORIZED YOUR LINES?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SEASON'S ALREADY OVER.
I'LL BE GLAD WHEN THIS LAST ONE'S DONE.
I COULD USE A BREAK.
I HATE IT WHEN WE'RE OFF.
I DON'T GET A BREAK.
MY TV MOVIE STARTS SHOOTING IN TWO WEEKS.
YOU SHOULD RELAX A LITTLE. ISN'T ONE SHOW ENOUGH?
HEY, MAYBE I CAN COME VISIT YOU ON SET.
I HAD TO CONVINCE THE PRODUCERS I COULD PLAY THIS PART.
I'M GONNA BE THIS MURDERER AND THIS RAPIST.
HOW COOL IS THAT?
I'M SURE YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND WILL LOVE THAT.
OH, NO, REBECCA'S INTO IT.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, SHE WANTS TO BE AN ACTRESS.
A MODEL WHO WANTS TO BE AN ACTRESS?
HOW UNIQUE.
SHE'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD.
HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT LORI?
NO, IS SHE OKAY?
SHE AND MICHAEL SPLIT. SHE'S GETTING DIVORCED.
OH, THAT'S TOUGH.
YEAH, SHE SAYS SHE'S OKAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, I JUST HEARD.
GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST.
I'M SORRY.
I'M FINE.
I KIND OF HATE THE IDEA OF BEING SINGLE AGAIN,
BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
AT LEAST I'VE GOT YOU
AS MY WONDERFUL MAKE-BELIEVE HUSBAND.
I'LL HAPPILY MAKE DO WITH THAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
- YEAH. - SURE. WHAT'S UP?
COME ON, GIRLS.
FIRST, I JUST WANT TO SAY...
WE'VE HAD AN INCREDIBLE EIGHT SEASONS, HAVEN'T WE?
[ALL AGREEING]
HEY, FULL HOUSE SURVIVED
WHEN EVERYBODY THOUGHT WE WERE DEAD ON ARRIVAL...
NOT JUST SURVIVED, BUT BECAME A BONA FIDE HIT.
[CHUCKLING AND AGREEING]
UNFORTUNATELY, WE JUST HEARD FROM ABC
THAT THEY MADE A DECISION
NOT TO RENEW THE SHOW FOR NEXT SEASON.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THE EPISODE THIS WEEK
WILL, UNFORTUNATELY, BE OUR LAST.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE NOT SAYING WE'RE CANCELED?
IT CAME DOWN TO THE WIRE.
THE EXECS JUST FEEL THE NETWORK'S HEADING
IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION THESE DAYS.
WE'RE NOT EDGY ENOUGH FOR THEM, HUH?
YEAH, WE'RE EDGY ENOUGH
FOR 11 MILLION VIEWERS EVERY WEEK.
SOMETIMES, THESE DECISIONS MAKE NO SENSE,
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING
IS TO REMEMBER THAT YOU CREATED SOMETHING SPECIAL,
SOMETHING THAT'LL LIVE ON FOR YEARS TO COME.
IT'S OKAY.
BELIEVE ME,
WE'RE AS DISAPPOINTED AS YOU ARE.
WE'RE VERY, VERY SORRY.
♪ ♪
NO. NO! THIS ISN'T FAIR.
THEY CAN'T JUST TAKE THIS AWAY FROM US, OKAY?
[SNIFFS] IT'S OUR SHOW.
IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
[OVERLAPPING SNIFFLES AND SOBS]
IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY OVER.
NOW I'M EVEN LOSING MY MAKE-BELIEVE HUSBAND.
I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING SO WELL!
I DON'T WANT IT TO END.
I KNOW, GIRLS. I KNOW.
♪ ♪
[STAGE MANAGER]: PLACES, EVERYONE!
♪ ♪
IN THREE... TWO... ONE...
EVERYBODY READY?
TA-DAH!
[AUDIENCE OOHING]
DEEJ, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
[CROWD]: AWW!
THIS IS MY LITTLE GIRL?
SWEETIE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
[CROWD]: AWW!
THANKS, DAD.
BUT WHO'S SHE GONNA GO WITH, SINCE JEFFREY CANCELED?
I'LL TAKE HER.
I'M SURE WE HAVE A TUX
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE, DON'T WE?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
PROM DISASTER AVERTED. I HAVE A DATE FOR DJ.
THANKS, KIMMY,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH SOMEBODY I DON'T KNOW.
OH, YEAH? HOW ABOUT THIS GUY?
[CROWD OOHING]
STEVE?
I MISSED YOU.
[CROWD]: WHOO!
SEE? SOMEHOW, EVERYTHING HAS A WAY OF WORKING OUT.
AT LEAST IT DOES WHEN WE STICK TOGETHER.
THE WAY WE ALWAYS DO.
[CROWD]: AWW...
[APPLAUSE RISES]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
♪ ♪
[ANNOUNCER]: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE CAST OF FULL HOUSE!
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET 'EM FOR A CURTAIN CALL.
LET'S SEE THE CAST, PLEASE?
♪ ♪
[CHEERING]
ANDREA BARBER!
CANDACE CAMERON!
JODIE SWEETIN!
DAVE COULIER!
JOHN STAMOS!
BOB SAGET!
THE OLSEN TWINS!
LORI LOUGHLIN!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR 8 SEASONS, 192 EPISODES,
AND COUNTLESS LAUGHS ALONG THE WAY.
♪ ♪
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT, EVERYBODY.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
♪ ♪
[BOB]: AND I SAID...
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE NUTS HAVE BEEN?
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE EVEN I DON'T KNOW,
AND, TRUST ME, IF ANYBODY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THOSE NUTS,
IT'S ME.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!
IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF GROSS.
THAT'S DANNY TANNER UP THERE SAYING THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS.
♪ ♪
[JOHN]: YOU REALLY THOUGHT I WAS OKAY?
[REBECCA]: YOU WERE GREAT!
YOU DON'T THINK EVERYBODY WAS OUT THERE, GOING...
"OH, LOOK AT THE FULL HOUSE GUY,
THINKING HE CAN ACTUALLY PULL OFF BROADWAY."
NO. I THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THINKING THAT.
OH, IT WAS SO AMAZING UP THERE,
JUST SINGING AND DANCING IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
YOU LOOKED LIKE
YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART WAS?
WHAT?
SEEING YOU THERE IN THE FRONT ROW.
- YOU READY? - YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
♪ ♪
[FANS SCREAMING]
♪ ♪
WE'RE REALLY DOING THIS?
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING, BOB.
WE BOTH FELT IT.
I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER WITH THE SHOW OVER.
THE SHOW WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM.
NOT REALLY.
HOW'S THAT FOR A PUNCHLINE?
FINALLY GET TO STOP
PLAYING A SINGLE DAD WITH THREE DAUGHTERS,
AND NOW I'VE BECOME ONE.
♪ ♪
- DAVE! - DAVE!
HEY! [CACKLES]
[ALL LAUGHING]
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS!
I NEVER PASS UP A HOCKEY GAME.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A LIVE HOCKEY GAME BEFORE.
WELL, IT'S FOR A GREAT CAUSE.
HEY, THERE'S SOMEBODY I WANT YOU GUYS TO MEET. VAL?
THEY'RE HERE. CANDACE, LORI...
THIS IS VAL BURE.
HE PLAYS FOR MONTREAL...
[THICK ACCENT]: BUT HE'S FROM RUSSIA.
HI. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE.
AND GET THIS! VAL AND HIS BROTHER, PAVEL,
LEARNED TO SPEAK ENGLISH BY WATCHING FULL HOUSE.
OH, NO WAY!
IS TRUE. UM...
"OH-MY-LANTA."
[ALL LAUGHING]
YOU'RE FUNNY.
MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE A DRINK?
SURE.
TSK. LOOK AT YOU, MR. MATCHMAKER.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN VAL AND CANDACE?
NO WAY!
[BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS]
HEY. WHAT'S BETTER THAN PUTTING ON A BRIDESMAID'S DRESS?
- WHAT? - TAKING IT OFF.
- [DAVE LAUGHS] - STOP. WE'RE AT A WEDDING.
WHAT? I WAS JUST GETTING STARTED.
AND NOW YOU'RE DONE.
HEY, WHY ISN'T REBECCA HERE?
SHE'S IN PARIS AT A SHOOT.
GUESS WHAT?
ASKED HER TO MARRY ME.
REALLY? YOU FINALLY DID IT?
I'VE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME WAITING FOR WHAT'S COMING NEXT.
SHE'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
SHE ACTUALLY SAID YES?
SHE KNOWS ABOUT... "US," RIGHT?
I FORGET HOW HILARIOUS YOU ARE.
PEOPLE DO.
[GUEST]: THERE'S CANDACE.
♪ ♪
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I INTRODUCED THEM.
OH, YEAH.
FROM THE FIRST MOMENT I SAW THEM,
I KNEW THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
♪ ♪
[SQUEALS] ANDREA! HOW ARE YOU?
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FOR ANYTHING.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!
THANK YOU. [GIGGLING]
HI!
CONGRATULATIONS, HONEY, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU WERE THERE THE NIGHT VAL AND I MET!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT LED TO ALL OF THIS?
CANDACE!
[GASPS] JODIE!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
OH, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. HOW ARE YOU?
HOW'S SCHOOL? ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
WELL, I HATE IT, BUT IT'LL BE OVER SOON.
THIS WEDDING WAS PERFECT.
- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.
- HI! - HI!
GIRLS!
OH, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS SO GREAT.
HEY, LET'S GO FIND THE GUYS.
YEAH!
♪ ♪
THERE THEY ARE.
HEY!
HEY.
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
BARBARA?
WHO'S THAT WITH DAVID?
HIS NEW WIFE, WHO, UP UNTIL RECENTLY,
WAS HIS "ASSISTANT".
OH, MY GOSH. POOR JARNIE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY,
BUT THE TWINS ARE SO WILDLY SUCCESSFUL.
SOMETIMES THAT CREATES MORE PROBLEMS
THAN PEOPLE CAN HANDLE.
[BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER]
LOOK AT THEM!
IT DOESN'T SEEM THAT LONG AGO THEY WERE ALL
JUST CHILDREN MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
GO ON. IT LOOKS LIKE A FAMILY REUNION.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
HEY, EVERYBODY! GRAB A GLASS.
BUT YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE TWO...
THEY'RE PARTY ANIMALS!
ONE GLASS OF SPARKLING CIDER, THEN THEY'RE CUT OFF.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD LET HIM GIVE THE SPEECH.
THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT.
IT'S NOTHING WE HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE.
SHE KNOWS!
SHE KNOWS.
[BOB SIGHS]
I THINK YOU ALL KNOW
THAT I HAVE PRACTICALLY NOTHING IN COMMON
WITH DANNY TANNER.
EXCEPT YOU'RE BOTH STRIKINGLY HANDSOME.
EXCEPT THAT.
BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW
THAT I'M FINALLY COMING TO UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING ABOUT DANNY
THAT I NEVER REALLY APPRECIATED BEFORE.
THE BEST THING ABOUT DANNY
WAS THAT HE KNEW WHAT WAS IMPORTANT.
HE SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH THE PEOPLE HE LOVED.
AND ATE LOTS OF ICE CREAM.
AND HUGGED! SO MUCH HUGGING.
[BOB]: YES, ICE CREAM AND HUGS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE.
SO, CANDACE...
WE WISH YOU EVERY HAPPINESS AS YOU START YOUR NEW FAMILY,
BUT JUST KNOW, THAT WHEREVER YOU GO...
WHEREVER ANY OF US GO...
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE THIS FAMILY, TOO.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
THE ONE WE MADE.
CHEERS!
[OVERLAPPING]: CHEERS!
[WARM CHUCKLING AS GLASSES CLINK]
ACTUALLY, I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT I'D LIKE TO SAY AS WELL.
SOMETHING AS HEARTWARMING AND POETIC
AS BOB'S LITTLE TOAST HERE...
[BREAKING WIND]
- [ALL GROANING] - DAVE!
[TWINS]: EWW! EW.
REALLY?
COME ON!
I THOUGHT THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
♪ ♪
[DAVE]: YOU KNOW...
AFTER 8 SEASONS AND 192 EPISODES,
IT WAS HARD TO BELIEVE IT WAS REALLY OVER.
WE HAD SUCH GOOD MEMORIES.
♪ ♪
FULL HOUSE
WAS ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SHOWS OF ALL TIME,
AND ENTERTAINED MILLIONS.
OF COURSE,
AS TIME WENT ON,
EVERYONE HAD THEIR HIGHS AND LOWS...
♪ MAYBE ONE LAST TIME IS ALL WE NEED... ♪
WE GOT MARRIED, HAD CHILDREN,
THE TWINS EVEN CREATED THEIR OWN FASHION LINES.
TURNED OUT, THEY WEREN'T JUST ADORABLE,
BUT REALLY SMART, TOO.
BOB TOOK THE GRIEF HE FELT FOR HIS SISTER
AND DIRECTED A MOVIE ABOUT HER BRAVE BATTLE.
AND TO THIS DAY,
WHEN ONE OF US DEALS WITH HARD TIMES...
OR ONE OF THE MANY CHALLENGES THAT LIFE PUTS IN FRONT OF US...
THE OTHER ONES DO WHATEVER WE CAN TO HELP OUT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
WE ALL REMAIN CLOSE AND GET TOGETHER OFTEN...
LIKE THE FAMILY WE ARE.