我要把你的弟弟扯下来 你个混蛋 I'll rip your dick off, you son of a bitch!
我的眼睛 My eye!
我代表本次创业展会的组委会 On behalf of the entire Disrupt conference,
为今天下午发生的事情 I would like to apologize
向你们道歉 for what happened out there this afternoon.
我们将永不邀请这位先生担任评委 This man will never be asked to judge again.
我刚刚得知他已被'甲骨文'公司解雇 I've just learned he's been fired from Oracle,
显然他的夫人也离开了他 and apparently his wife left him.
总之我刚接到您的律师拉弗兰梅先生的电话 Anyway, I just got a call from your attorney, Mr. LaFlamme,
告知我在他看来 他可以对此次事件 informing me that in his view this incident is...
提起诉讼 actionable.
同时如果该事件损害了'魔笛手'公司 And in addition to holding TechCrunch liable for any damages,
潜在的数十亿营业额和市场份额 which may include the loss to Pied Piper
'科技博客'要对此负责 of potentially billions in revenue and share value,
他有可能还会起诉我个人 uh, he maybe naming me personally in a lawsuit.
因此 我提议 So... I would like to propose that
请你们不要再追究我们的法律责任 we put this incident behind us, legally speaking,
作为交换 '魔笛手'将直接进入 by sending pied Piper directly through to the finals
创业展会的决赛 of Start-Up Battlefield,
你们将角逐最终大奖 where you will compete for the grand prize.
-这个提议怎么样 -我觉得这 -How does that sound? -I think that's...
只有一个问题 关于我们的住宿 One question, uh, regarding our hotel accommodations?
我说对了吧 伙计们 Bam! Am I right, guys?
我一开始只是很高兴你被揍了 埃利希 I was just happy you got punched in the face, Erlich,
但现在我超级开心 就好像连赢两次 but now I'm super happy. I feel like I won twice.
我要征用这个卫生间 I'm gonna disrupt this bathroom.
我觉得这个不是沙发床 I don't think this couch pulls out.
我还是去给自己找个折叠床吧 I guess I'll get myself a roll-away bed.
我是说 各位 不客气 I mean, you're welcome, guys.
我不得不搞一个已婚妇女 挨一顿揍 I had to fuck a wife and take a punch,
但现在我们进了明天的决赛 but now we get to go into the finals tomorrow
而且完全不用担心毁在预赛上 without having blown our wad in the prelims.
我们渐入佳境了 伙计们 渐入佳境 We're trending up, boys. We are trending up.
也许你说得对 但我们应该下去 Maybe you're right. But we should probably get back down there
看看比赛 and check out the competition.
女士们 先生们 有请盖文·贝尔森 Ladies and gentlemen, Gavin Belson.
不管大家怎么说 大小很重要 No matter what you may have heard, size matters.
欢迎各位随我一起领略'纽核力'的魅力 Welcome, everyone, to a journey into the Nucleus.
希望它很烂 I hope this sucks.
'纽核力'将为您提供有史以来 Nucleus will provide the most diverse features
纽核力
功能最多元化的基于云的压缩组件 ever assembled in a cloud-based compression suite.
海量功能 内部交互性 Massive functionality, inter-connectivity,
以及如大家预期 and the simplicity
互利产品所具备的简便性 one has come to expect from the Hooli family.
我们让你们的所有文件 We're making all your files
都可以实现瞬间下载 available for lightning-fast download.
从任何设备都可以连接 Accessible from any device.
所有这些功能都将与互利邮件 All these features will be seamlessly synced to Hooli-mail,
互利搜索及所有互利电脑应用无缝衔接 Hooli-search and the full suite of Hooli computing power.
功能可不少啊 That's a lot of functionality.
别担心 他的维斯曼评分肯定比不上我们 Don't worry, he can't come close to our Weissman score.
就算有这些额外功能 Even with all this extra shit,
就像是一辆豪华轿车配了个破引擎 it's like a fancy car with a crappy engine.
现在 见证奇迹的时刻到了 And now, for the moment of truth.
就像你们看到的那样 As you will now see,
我们的维斯曼评分是史上最佳 our Weissman score is the best in the history of compression.
压缩评分
什么情况 What the fuck?
得分和我们一模一样 That's exactly the same score as us.
2.89 并不是评测软件出错 Two-point-eight-nine. That is not an error.
我们站在世界巅峰 We are breathing rare air here,
冲击着无损压缩的极限 operating at the limit for lossless compression
无论是音频 视频 还是数据 in audio, video and data.
任何声称比我们快的平台 Anyone who tells you that their platform is faster than ours
最好请个好律师 better have good lawyers.
希望你们喜欢'纽核力' I hope you've enjoyed your journey into the Nucleus.
我们有速度 我们有功能 We have the speed. We have the features.
我们还有 夏奇拉 And we have... Shakira!
夏奇拉
'科技博客'的各位好 Hola, TechCrunch!
-最优头对头效率[季终]-
第
一
季
第
八
集
硅
谷
他们直接逆向破解了 I mean, they just completely reverse-engineered
我们整个压缩引擎 our entire compression engine.
我们死定了 He totally sniped us.
-我们没事的 -什么 -We'll be fine. -What?
这比赛的评审标准就是市场竞争力 They judge this contest on viability in the marketplace.
我们撑死了也只是'纽核力'的次品版 I mean, at best, we're a worse version of Nucleus.
他们有五十个模块 都完美无缺 I mean, they have 50 modules, and they're all awesome.
我们连五个模块都不怎么成型 We have five that barely work.
我们压缩3D文件还有问题 I mean, we're still have trouble compressing 3D files.
这产品谁会买 Who's lining up to buy that?
谁他妈在乎这个 Who the fuck cares?
我们的平台搞不定3D文件 So the platform can't handle 3D files.
那又怎样 3D电影本来就差劲 You know what, 3D movies suck anyway.
其实我觉得盖文这点破事对我们反而是好事 I could actually argue this Gavin nonsense is a positive.
还是别... Please don't...
明天的重头戏我们加把劲就行了 We just need to really dial it up for the big show tomorrow.
-怎么加 我们没戏了 -上场前 -Dial what up? He just ruined us. -And until then,
我们只要像自然界所有困兽一样 we need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered,
脾气暴躁 冲周围人乱发火就好了 act erratically, and blindly lash out at everything around us.
我去扰乱下盖文的节奏 I'm gonna go get in Gavin's head.
各位 我有个想法 现在是时候了 Hey, guys, I just had a thought. OK, so this is it, right?
好多成功企业初创时 A lot of successful start-ups
所用的商业模式都和后来不同 launched with a different business model,
中途遇到困境才转型的 and when they ran into trouble, they pivoted to something new.
比如Instagram初创时 Like Instagram. That was a
做的是基于地点的签到服务 location-based check-in service when it started.
后来才转型的 And then they pivoted.
还有'聊天轮盘'本是社交媒体 Or Chatroulette, OK, that was social media,
后来转型 and then they pivoted
成了性变态们的游乐场 to become a playground for the sexually monstrous.
我们只需一个新想法 We just need a new idea,
找准需求 我们也能转型 something that people want. Right? We can pivot, too.
老兄 你还真是一团糟 Dude, you are fucked up right now.
没错 跟死机了一样 Yeah, you're pinning bad.
好吧 我承认我是有点睡眠不足 Well, I'll admit, I'm sleep-challenged.
我在石油钻机上的铁盒子里被困了四天 I just spent four days trapped in a steel box out on an oil rig
那里只有机械叉车 full of robot-forklifts.
的确不容易 但我回来了 So, that was hard, but I'm back.
我正在恢复 仍很专注 I am recovering and I am focused
我们会转型的 别放弃 各位 and we're gonna pivot. Don't lose faith, guys.
好吧 看着我 看着我 All right, look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
我们的名字棒极了 团队棒极了 We've got a great name. We've got a great team.
标志棒极了 名字也棒极了 We've got a great logo, and we've got a great name.
现在只差一个好想法 Now we just need an idea.
我们转型吧 来转型 Let's pivot! Let's pivot!
没准他就一去不回了 That might be the last time we see him alive.
我打算出去走一走 I think I'm just gonna take a walk and,
静下心来思考下 you know, try and clear my head.
我们回头酒店房间见 I'll see you guys back at the hotel room
再想对策 and we'll figure out what to do.
我们要成穷光蛋了 We're going to be poor.
你们好 我想和你们讲讲 Hi! I'd like to talk to you
一个叫'魔笛手'的公司 about a company called Pied Piper.
这公司是做什么的 问得好 What does it do? Good question.
也许你们能帮我们找到答案 Maybe you can help us find an answer.
如果说'魔笛手'是个 What if Pied Piper was an app
吸引啮齿动物的应用怎么样 that could attract rodents?
就像童话里那样 You know, like the fairy tale?
可以用来灭鼠或者喂你们的宠物蛇 For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake.
我们不是来指导你们怎样处置耗子的 We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats,
我们只负责马上搞到耗子 we're here to get your rats, STAT.
你们对此感兴趣吗 Would you be very interested,
有点感兴趣 还是完全没兴趣 somewhat interested or not interested?
选哪项 选哪项 哪一个 Which one? Which one? Which one?
看看他们 满心希冀 这帮混蛋 Look at them, all full of hope. Pricks.
'怪客皮'在招人呢 Oh, look, Kwerpy's here recruiting.
他们刚在第一轮融资拿到了两千万美元 They just got 20 million in Series A
估价2.8亿美元呢 at a $280 million dollar valuation.
本来我们也应该如此 That could have been us.
可惜我们已经有工作了 It's too bad we already have jobs,
不然可以去那里 we could easily go work there.
现在背叛理查德简直就是禽兽吧 It'd be a real dickhead move to bail on Richard now, right?
在我们公司正式垮掉之前 I mean, before we officially go under.
是啊 超禽兽的行为 Yeah. Yeah. Total dickhead move.
尽管 只是时间问题罢了 Even though... it is just a matter of days.
-我们近在咫尺 -他就站在那里 -And we are so close. -I mean, he is standing right there.
-可我不是禽兽 -我也不是 -But I'm not a dickhead. -No. Neither am I.
我们不是禽兽 Yep, just a couple of non-dickheads.
我们不用下半身思考 My dick and my head, totally separate.
你也听过"该付钱给魔笛手了"的说法吧 You've heard the phrase, "Time to pay the piper," Right?
假设有个叫'魔笛手'的应用程序 What if there was an app called Pied Piper that could tell you,
能够相当准确地告诉你 to a statistical degree of certainty,
你以后会上天堂还是下地狱 whether you were going to heaven or hell?
超感兴趣 一般感兴趣还是不感兴趣 Very interested, somewhat interested, not interested?
选哪个 选哪个 哪个 Which one? Which one? Which one?
你为'纽核力'夸下了不少海口 So you made some really over-the-top promises about Nucleus.
-你真的能做到吗 -当然 -Can you deliver? -Absolutely.
对我来说 卡拉 善良 伟大 For me, Kara, goodness, greatness,
这些不只是说说而已 these are not simply catch phrases,
这些从一开始就是'互利'的宗旨 but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning.
盖文 你不需对此事件做任何回应 Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response!
我自己来澄清 I can speak for myself.
我是'魔笛手'的埃利希·巴赫曼 Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper.
我是否受到了残酷的攻击 没错 Was I brutally assaulted? Yes.
这一切跟盖文·贝尔森有关吗 还不清楚 Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear.
我只知道'科技博客'现在疯传的流言 All I know is that the rumor
都是未被证实的 that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.
-等等 什么流言 -谢谢 -Wait, what rumor? -Thank you.
为什么盖文会与此有关呢 Why would Gavin have anything to do with this?
除非他真的忌惮 Unless he had some reason to be
'魔笛手'和它的领先技术 frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology?
这及其他有关盖文·贝尔森的流言都未经证实 This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated.
比如酗酒 办公室性骚扰 OK, the alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work,
'互利'股票即将大跌 the impending crash of Hooli's stock...
这简直荒谬透顶 This is the most ridiculous...
没错 所以我们为什么要重复这些 Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details,
大家无疑已经耳熟能详的荒淫细节 with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar?
无论你是否有罪 盖文 我都支持你 Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.
有什么评论吗 Care to comment?
我们继续走吧 Let's keep moving, shall we?
就是 继续前行 别理会这些 Yes, let's all keep moving. Let's move on from this.
我原谅你 盖文 I forgive you, Gavin.
无论我被何等残酷地攻击过 No matter how brutally I was assaulted.
'魔笛手'听起来是个超赞的公司 Wow, Pied Piper sounds like a great place to work.
那当然 Oh, yeah, it is.
'魔笛手'是最好的 对吧 Pied Piper is the best, right?
老天 每天感觉都像下了地狱 Oh, my God, everyday feels like I've died and gone to hell.
你说什么 I'm sorry.
他是个撒旦崇拜者 所以是很棒的意思 He's a Satanist, so it's good.
-真不错 -重点是我们热爱自己的公司 -Oh, fun. -The point is, we love our company,
而且可以骄傲地在人前承认 and I don't have a problem saying that out loud.
-你呢 -爱公司 -You... -Love it.
我们都在人前承认了 We both say it out loud and I think that fact,
这也意味着我们不是禽兽 proves that we're not dickheads.
所以我们想问的是... So what we wanted to ask you was...
两位 Guys?
别说出去 我们的测试崩了 Totally between us, our beta crapped out.
风投已经撤资 第一轮融资胎死腹中 The VC's did a full clawback and our Series A is DOA.
我们准备关门大吉了 We're going down.
剩下的资金最多只能再运作两三周 We have enough runway for maybe two, three weeks max.
所以你们愿意雇我吗 So... do you guys think you could hire me?
对你们来说一个名为'魔笛手'的 How much would it be worth to you
能随时了解孩子位置的定位程序 if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper,
有多少价值 tracking the location of your child?
我能在任何地方找到你们的孩子 I can follow your child anywhere,
而且没有任何方式能够阻止我 and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
大多数失踪儿童都没能找回来 Most missing children are never found.
感兴趣 非常感兴趣还是非常感兴趣 Interested, very interested, or very interested?
理查德 Richard. Hi...
-行李箱 也是 -对啊 -Hey... suitcase. Yeah. -Yeah.
所以你要... So you're...
彼得来电话了 他看了埃利希的演讲 Peter called. He saw Erlich's presentation,
如果那算演讲的话 such as it was.
盖文的也看了 And Gavin's.
所以他想让我回帕罗奥多 So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto.
还有些别的事他想让我去办 There's just a few other things he wants me working on.
反正我们已经死得透透的了 Now that we're, you know, dead in the water.
我很抱歉你拒绝了那么大一笔钱 Listen, I'm sorry you walked away from the money like you did.
但我发誓我让彼得投资给你 But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you
纯粹是因为我相信你的公司很有前途 because I thought you had a really great company.
很遗憾这次没成 It just didn't work out for you this time.
我能不能跟你说实话 Uh... can I be honest with you?
过去几个月我每次睡觉都不超过两小时 I haven't had more than two straight hours of sleep in months.
一场感冒断断续续病了一年 I've had a cold for, like, a year.
我的胃疼得简直像来了月经 My stomach cramps up so much I feel like I'm menstruating.
也许这样对大家都好 Maybe this is for the better.
我得走了 Look, I gotta go.
很遗憾我们不能再在一起工作了 I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be working together anymore.
我也是 Yeah, me too.
我估计 你和我也不太可能再见面了 I guess... I guess we won't see each other again.
这个嘛 既然现在同事之间交往的规矩 Well, I mean, now that the rules about socializing with co-workers
已经不适用于我们了 aren't in effect anymore.
哪天你想出来喝一杯 就叫上我 Let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime.
是那种意思的喝一杯吗 What, like a "Drink" drink?
你总是和失败者约会吗 You go on dates with failures?
-一向如此 -那好 -Constantly. -OK.
那再见了 Uh... bye.
-再见 -好 -Bye. -OK.
你现在身上是否携带了什么武器或药物 You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time?
当然 我当然带着 Why, yes. Yes, I do.
阿得拉[兴奋剂] Adderall.
这可是管制药物 是你的吗 This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?
当然不是 这是我带回家的一未成年小孩的 No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house.
先生 恐怕我得请你跟我走一趟了 Yeah, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.
多谢你的善意邀请 That's a kind invitation,
但我实在太忙了 我在转型呢 but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting!
-我们走 -就不 我在转型 在转型 -Let's go now! -No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting!
让我转型 I'm pivoting!
明天咱们拿什么去展示啊 I mean, what do we even present tomorrow?
有话尽管说 各位 Honestly, anyone?
我们还有必要去演示吗 Why do we have to present at all?
你这话什么意思 What's that supposed to mean?
如果我们横竖都要丢这个人 If we are going to fail and be humiliated,
为什么非要当着一千多人的面 why do it on stage in front of 1,000 people
-在现场直播时丢人呢 -就是 -and a live-streamed audience? -Yeah.
你是说咱们连面都不要露吗 Are you saying we shouldn't even show up?
无意冒犯 但这跟公开枪决差不多 No offense, but it's basically going to be a public execution.
可是公开枪决多抓眼球啊 Yes, and public executions are very popular.
要的就是演出效果 不能退出 理查德 It's show business. We are not quitting, Richard.
埃利希 我当然很想去做演示 Look, Erlich, I want to present, I do,
只不过 还能行吗 it's just... I don't know.
天 你还好吗 Jesus, are you OK?
什么 好 我挺好 What? Yeah, I... OK.
非常好 他们放我出来了 Yeah, all good. They let me go.
谁放你出来了 Who let you go?
你多久没睡觉了 贾里德 When was the last time you slept, Jared?
太对了 大卫 聊什么呢几位 Absolutely, David. What are we talking about, gents?
我们在说我没能在预赛时做演示 We're talking about how I didn't get to present in the prelims,
因为我光忙着让人往我脸上砸拳头 because I was too busy getting my face pummeled
好让我们公司更进一步 so that our team could move forward.
所以明天的展示非做不可 That's why we're presenting tomorrow.
而且跟你们说吧 咱们要赢 And you know what? We're going to win.
我们无论如何都要赢 哪怕要我走下台去 Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium
给每位观众亲手撸一炮 and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
那你得撸多少炮啊 That's a lot of jerking.
我们的展示时间只有十分钟 所以 And we only have ten minutes to present. So...
所以我们完蛋了 对不对 So, we're fucked, aren't we?
就算他同时给两个人撸 Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time,
大厅里一共有 就算800人吧 there are, what, 800 guys in that room?
那就是400乘以平均撸射时间 So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.
-什么 -平均撸射时间 -The what? -Mean jerk-time.
虽然无关紧要 但是理论上讲 I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically,
按一次给两人撸算 time is equal to 400 total jerks
总共是撸400人的时间 at a two-dick rate.
如果埃利希能同时撸四个人的话 Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time,
时间就能减半了 and then we can cut that in half.
四个人怎么撸 他只有两只手 How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands,
不就同时只能撸两个人吗 so that's two dicks at a time, right?
如果两边各站两个人 Look, you have two guys
都面对面站着 on either side with their dicks, tip to tip,
这样的话就能从一头撸到另一头 so you're going full-length.
就是四个了 明白了吗 Four, see?
从中点作发散状 这倒是可行 From the middle out. That does make sense.
-就像两只摇摆铃 -没错 -Like two Shake Weights? -Yeah,
[健身器材]
所以假设我们的目标 so what we're trying to do, hypothetically,
是尽可能缩短时间 也就是800个男的 is minimize time, which is 800 dudes,
乘以撸射时间 再除以同时撸管数四 multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time.
当然 埃利希需要先按身高进行预排序 Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height,
这样他们的小弟弟才能在同一高度 so that their dicks lined up.
准确讲不能按身高配对 Not by height, technically.
关键指标是小弟弟到地板的高度 The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor.
简称为弟高值 Call that D2F.
天啊 Oh, my God.
如果某人小弟弟够长的话 You know, if a guy's dick was long enough,
那他可以向上或向下兼容那些 it would be able to reach up or down
和他弟高值不同的人 to another guy with a different D2F.
小弟弟越长 弟高值兼容范围越大 The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge,
这样我仍然可以顺畅地同时撸管 but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion...
找好角度就行了 I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.
所以弟高值1得等于弟高值2 So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2,
而弟高值3等于弟高值4 and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4,
而长度值会形成 where length L creates
相应的轴间角 a complimentary shaft angle.
称之为D角 Call that θ-D.
-现在再把射时 -天啊 -And now, the orgasm... -Oh shit! On my God!
我真是个白痴 发散法 I'm such an idiot. Middle out!
发散法 发散法 天啊 Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God.
我怎么就 How could I...?
几位 如果粗细不同的话 Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability
埃利希还能同时撸管吗 to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
该死 我看有影响 Shit. Yeah, I think it would.
当然有关系 Of course, it does.
每一对小弟弟 Time to orgasm, or T2O,
从开撸到射的时间 也就是撸射值必须相同 has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks
否则我不就白白浪费那许多时间 otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy
给其中一个撸空管了 that's already busted.
但是如果你可以在撸管时"热插拔"的话 Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out.
当你做向下运动时 换一个小弟弟进来 So on a downstroke, you get a new one in.
这样再往上撸回去的时候就不是无用功了 So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.
尽管如此 持久度上来说这是最可靠的算法 Even so, I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.
几位 理查德把自己锁在屋里两个小时了 Guys? Richard's been locked in here for almost two hours.
他不会有什么事吧 Do we think he's OK?
你不会认为他想不开 You don't think he'd...
他之前确实非常失落 He did seem pretty bummed out.
HIGH
好了几位 我们走 All right, guys, let's go.
高潮大戏要上演了 都起来 The finals are starting. Up!
吉尔弗约尔 Gilfoyle!
我晕 Jesus!
这门怎么了 What happened to the door?
别担心理查德 平台都调试好了吗 Don't worry about it, Richard, is the platform up and running?
我做了些改动 但是 挺顺利 I made a few changes, but yeah...
好 路上说 你们俩个娘炮 该走了 OK, tell me on the walk. All right, you dildos, let's go!
跟我仔细讲讲 理查德 All right, talk to me, Richard.
你昨晚上忙什么呢 What were you working on last night?
我昨晚上取得了点小突破 Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough.
是吗 所以软件完美了吗 Really, so everything is working?
严格来讲 还不完美 Uh, technically, no.
祝好运 理查德 真遗憾我不能到
说实话吧 姑娘们 还有比视觉用户体验 Let's face it, ladies, is there anything less sexy
完全达不到最优更不性感的事吗 than when a user's visualization UX is completely sub-optimal?
这是最差的了 不是吗 I mean, it's the worst, right?
我们对此进行了详尽而周密的研究 So we've gone through all the research and all the steps.
也找到了解决方案 We have a solution for these problems
泽内拉团队已准备好将其推向市场 and Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace.
我懂 理查德 你改了许多 Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot.
简单给我介绍一下 我好把它讲出来 Just give me the basics and I can roll with it.
我得知道我要展示的是什么 I need to know what I'm presenting here.
我觉得我没时间详细解释了 I don't think I have time to explain it all.
这他妈是什么意思 What the hell does that mean?
理查德 这个版本对吗 Richard? Is this the right build?
我找不到移动套件 I can't find the mobile suite here.
没有移动套件 我删掉了 Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it.
-什么 -他们来了 -What? -Here they are.
-'魔笛手'来了 -抱歉我们迟到了 -Pied Piper's here. -Sorry we're late.
理查德 快跟我说说 Richard, talk to me.
如果不知道乐队要弹什么我还怎么唱 I can't front a band without knowing what we're playing?
我想这次展示我得自己来了 Uh... I'm think I'm just going to do the presentation myself.
你说什么 不行 不行 理查德 Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard.
我无意冒犯 但你真的很烂 Respectfully... Respectfully, you're terrible.
现在有个世界一流的演讲者就站在你面前 You have world class showman standing right in front of you
而你却打算自己来 and you're going to pass on that?
让我去吧 理查德 让海妖去吧 Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken!
-'魔笛手' 该你们了 -是时候了 -Pied Piper. You're on. -This is it!
我不知道你做了什么 理查德 I don't know what you did, Richard,
-但我希望一切没问题 -我也希望 -but I hope it works. -Me, too.
让我们欢迎本年度科技博客展会 All right, let's welcome our final team to the finals
创业竞技场决赛的最后一支队伍 of this year's TechCrunch Disrupt Start-Up Battlefield.
代表'魔笛手'做展示的是埃利希·巴赫曼 Presenting for Pied Piper is Erlich Bachman.
事实上 计划有变 Uh... actually there has been a change of plans.
代表'魔笛手'的将是理查德·亨德里克斯 Presenting for Pied Piper will be Richard Hendricks.
理查德 Richard?
抱歉 刚才大脑有点空白 Sorry. Got a little light-headed there for a second.
都准备好了 现在看你的了 I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down.
我不明白 我以为他优化了平台 I don't understand. I thought he made the platform better.
结果他删掉了所有东西 He just deleted everything.
也许他把模块都移到云上了 Maybe he moved it to the cloud?
没有 '雕刻者'的所有工作都不见了 No. All The Carver's work is gone.
'魔笛手'是一种基于云端的压缩平台 Pied Piper is a cloud based compression.
没有了云 就什么都不是了 Without the cloud, nothing's left.
先生们 这也许是 Gentlemen, this is likely
'魔笛手'的最后十分钟了 the last ten minutes of Pied Piper,
好好享受吧 so let's enjoy it.
-他疯了吗 -他一定是疯了 -Has he lost his mind? -He's lost his fucking mind.
大家好...大家好 Hello... Hello. Hello.
我是...我叫理查德·亨德里克斯 I am... My name is Richard Hendricks, and I am,
我和这个人 这个人 这个人 along with this guy, him, him...
以及还有一个好像不见了的人 ...and another guy that has disappeared...
我们是'魔笛手' 一个压缩算法公司 we are Pied Piper. A compression company.
你们拿到的小册子上写着 Well, you know, in your pamphlets it says that we are
我们是一个基于云端的多平台 a cloud based multi-platform solution
用户导向的压缩算法 for user-focused compression.
在昨天之前我们的确是这样的 And we were. Until yesterday.
但现在不是了 But now we are not.
因为'互利' Uh, because you see, Hooli
做了所有我们想做的 而且远比我们好 did everything that we were tying to do, better, way better.
'纽核力'建立在 Nucleus is built on the
和我们一样的引擎上 一模一样的引擎 same engine as ours, like exactly the same,
他们的维斯曼评分是2.89 和我们的一样 and their Weissman score was 2.89, same as ours.
但问题是 他们 But the thing is, they built
在这个基础上又建立了许多很棒的东西 a ton of really great stuff up on top of that.
我们无法匹敌 所以我们现在得找别的出路 And we can't compete, so now we have to be something else.
干的漂亮 '互利' Um... well-played, Hooli.
所以 不管怎么说 Uh, OK, so anyway,
我们都知道 压缩文件最简单的方式 we all know that the most obvious way
是用香农编码 对吧 自顶向下 to compress files is with Shannon coding, right? Top down.
理查德 他们看不清的 字太小了 Richard, they can't see that, it's too small.
-好吧 -有几百人呢 -OK. -Literally, hundreds of people here.
不 但我需要... Oh, no, but I need...
妈的 好吧 Shit, OK.
对 Um... right, oh.
香农 霍夫曼
这是香农编码 然后大卫·霍夫曼出现了 Uh, so Shannon coding and then David Huffman came along,
他开创了自底向上编码 and he pioneered bottom up,
然后是从左至右编码的LZ算法 and Lempel-Ziv with left to right, obviously.
数十年来我们都用这些编码来压缩文件 And for decades, we used these codes to compress,
不管是JPEG MPEG MP3还是zip文件 you know, JPEGs, MPEGs, MP3s, zips, all that stuff.
但这些我们都很了解 不用再多费口舌 But we all know that, so there's no point in talking about it.
但昨天晚上 But what happened was, last night
我听到我的朋友们一直在争论 I was watching my friends here have this argument.
关于 "数据控制" About, you know, manipulating... data...
然后说到 一个人可以同时 and, you know, how many datas
控制多少数据 could one guy manipulate at once and, uh...
然后我就想到 and I was just... I was thinking.
说不定还有别的方法 Maybe it could be another way, you know?
我想到了一种算法 叫做"发散法" Something that I would call, "Middle out".
自底向上和向下 由左及右再返回 It's up and down, back and forth
所有这些都同时进行 all at the same time going on at once.
总之 我昨晚删掉了我们所有的模块 OK, well, anyway, I deleted all our modules last night,
完全重建了我们的引擎 一切从零开始 and I completely rebuilt our engine, from scratch last night.
文件
压缩引擎
今天早上 我的时间只够完成一个测试 Now, this morning I really only had enough time to do one test,
但我测试时 and when I did,
我们的维斯曼评分是3.8 we hit a Weissman score of 3.8.
维斯曼评分
我知道理论极限值是2.9 Now, I know the theoretical limit was 2.9,
但从这里可以看到 but as you can see here...
抱歉打断下 你的得分是3.8 I'm sorry. You scored a 3.8?
是的 先生 Yes, sir.
而这是个通用的无损压缩引擎 And this is a universal lossless compression engine?
文本 音频 视频都适用 Text? Audio? Video?
是的 没错 Yes, that is correct.
很抱歉我打断了你这精彩的展示 理查德 Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your eloquent presentation, Richard.
但与其光用嘴说 But, rather than say anything more,
不如我们现场给你个文件 why don't we just give you a file
测试下你的引擎是否真如你所说的那么好 and we'll see whether this thing can do what you say it does.
因为如果结果并不理想 Because if it can't,
比赛就结束了 对吧 then we're done here, right?
对 好的 挺公平 Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.
那我们给你任何格式的文件 你都能做到 So we can give you any kind of file and you can compress it,
无损压缩 还能达到这个分数 3.8吗 without degradation, at this standard? Three-eight?
对 没错 Yes... yep.
好吧 请给我们点时间 All right, give us a minute, please.
-有什么文件吗 -你们有什么文件吗 -What do we got? -Does anyone have anything?
-你有文件吗 -我有个文件挺合适的 -Do you have something? -I've got a file for him.
安迪·斯塔福有个文件给你 OK. Andy Stafford here has a file for you.
-好的 -这是个132GB的未压缩 -OK. -It's a 132 gigabytes un-compressed,
3D视频文件 and it's a 3D video file.
好的 Ok.
该死 Shit...
-是他妈3D文件 -对 -A fucking 3D file? -Yes.
-这他妈开玩笑吗 -该死 -Are you fucking kidding me? -Goddammit.
-我们能搞定吗 -等下就知道答案了 -Can we handle this? -I guess we'll find out.
该死 希望没问题 Damm it, I hope this works.
3D 立交桥展示
未压缩
压缩后
妈的 卡住了 Shit... it's hung.
正在压缩文件
未压缩
压缩后
3D 立交桥展示
不要啊 Oh, no.
卡住了吗 Is it stuck?
我们有时间限制 你们只剩下两分钟 There is a time limit, you have two minutes remaining.
快啊 快啊 动啊 Come on, come on, come on...
正在压缩文件
未压缩
压缩后
3D 立交桥展示
压缩文件大小: 24.35GB
看来压缩完毕了 It looks like it's done.
等下 24GB 怎么回事 Wait, 24 gigs? What happened?
妈的 这不可能 Oh... shit, there's no way.
它肯定只压缩了其中一部分 It didn't compress the whole thing.
压缩完应该是这个的两倍 It should be twice that size.
24GB 比原文件的四分之一还要小 I mean, 24 gigs, that's less than a fourth the file size.
这结果看起来很可疑啊 理查德 That seems dubious, Richard.
不如我们直接做个维斯曼测试来确认下 Why don't we run a Weissman test for verification,
看哪里出错了 see where we went wrong.
好吧 应该很快就能测试完 OK, I mean it shouldn't take too long,
它只压缩了半个这破文件 it only compressed half the fucking file.
我很抱歉 我不应该重写整个程序 I'm sorry. I shouldn't have rewritten all this code.
之前的程序起码不会出错 I mean, what we had before worked.
抱歉 伙计们 盖文赢了 我们输了 I'm sorry, guys. Gavin won. We lost.
至少我们不至于像这样 At least it didn't happen
在众目睽睽之下输得这么彻底 in a public and brutally embarrassing way.
-多谢你安慰 吉尔弗约尔 -不谢 -Thanks, Gilfoyle. -Yeah.
等下 这是怎么回事 Wait a second. What's happening?
完整性
空间域错误
没有出错 你们看 There's no errors, look!
测试评分
5.2 怎么会 怎么 Five-point-two? How, how...?
等下 什么 Wait, what?
等下 它压缩了整个文件吗 Wait, it compressed the whole file?
是整个文件 That's the whole file.
压缩文件大小只有我预想的一半 It's just half the size I thought it would be.
女士们先生们 Ladies and gentlemen,
我们会继续对这个结果进行核实 obviously we're going to keep looking at this to verify,
测试评分
但如果这5.2分最终得到确认 but with a confirmed score of 5.2,
'魔笛手'刚刚取得的分数 Pied Piper appears to have just doubled
将有史以来最高的维斯曼评分翻了一倍 the best Weissman score ever measured.
整整一倍 Doubled it!
'魔笛手' 女士们先生们 Pied Piper, ladies and gentlemen!
用掌声恭喜他们 Let's hear it for them!
我操 Holy shit!
我在参加'科技博客'创业展会 Hey, I'm at TechCrunch.
有个叫亨德里克斯的孩子和他的'魔笛手' This kid Hendricks and Pied Piper
创造了一个奇迹 just ran a two minute mile.
我们得马上找他们合作 We should get on this, now.
去死吧 盖文·贝尔森 Suck it, Gavin Belson!
亨德里克斯 你这个混蛋真可爱 Hendricks, you beautiful bastard!
我就说我们会成功的 过来 I told you we'd do it! Come on!
我们要脱贫了 We're not going to be poor!
怎么了 怎么了 怎么样了 What happened? What happened? What happened?
我们刚刚赢了比赛 Uh, we just won the cup!
我想这是所有人意料之中的结果 And I don't think it comes as any shock
今年'科技博客'创业展会的冠军 that the winner of this year's Disrupt Cup
和五万美元奖金 and $50,000,
虽然他们肯定不会缺这点钱了 like they're going to need it,
都属于'魔笛手' is Pied Piper.
是理查德写的程序 So Richard wrote the code?
是理查德写的程序 Richard wrote the code, yes,
但他的灵感却源自别处 but the inspiration was clear.
我问你个问题 Let me ask you something.
你觉得帮这屋里所有人 How fast do you think you could
打飞机需要多长时间 jack off every guy in this room?
我可知道自己会花多久 'Cause I know how long it would take me.
而且我能证明这一点 And I can prove it.
-很不错 -谢谢你 -Nice. -Thank you so much.
我并不完全明白 I don't fully understand it
但我很愿意为你投资 but I would definitely like to invest.
-好极了 -真是让人印象深刻 -Oh, great. -Really impressed.
我很乐意将你介绍给我的合伙人 I really want to get you in front of my partners.
-越快越好 -真的很感谢 伙计们 -Really soon. -Oh wow. I appreciate that, guys.
希望我们很快能有机会详谈 Well, hopefully we'll talk to each other soon.
-谢谢 -多谢 -Thanks. -Thanks.
莫妮卡 Monica!
恭喜你 你在台上的表现非常棒 Congratulations! You were amazing up there.
-谢谢 -我刚跟彼得打过电话 -Thank you. -I just spoke with Peter.
他通过卫星看了网络直播 He watched the live-stream via satellite
他说他"没有不高兴" and said he was "not unpleased".
是吗 太好了 Oh, yeah, that's great.
看来我们又成为同事了 So I guess we're back to working together, huh?
是啊 看来是的 Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
之后一切的发展会远超你的预期 理查德 It's gonna get pretty insane for you, Richard.
-是啊 -你将得到的投资 -Yeah. -You're going to have more offers of funding
-会远超你的需要 -是啊 -than you're going to know what to do with. -Yeah.
你得开始扩张生意 You're going to have to grow a business,
雇员工 租办公室 找助理 hire a staff, rent offices, get an assistant.
彼得会对你进行更多的指导 Peter is going to be a lot more hands on
对你的要求更加严格 and a lot tougher on you.
会有人声称你的点子是窃取了他的创意 People may take credit for your idea
并想要起诉你 and try to sue you.
-多神奇啊 -是啊 确实很神奇 -How awesome is that? -Uh... yeah, that's awesome.
如果你觉得走到这一步很疯狂的话 I mean, if you thought it was crazy getting to this point,
你绝对无法想象这之后事态会如何发展 you're not going to believe what it turns into from here.
-是啊 -我是说很快你就要管理 -Right. -I mean pretty soon, you could be managing
上千名发自内心敬佩你的员工了 thousands of employees who are all looking up to you.
盖文·贝尔森 他还会继续碍事的 Gavin Belson, he's not going away anytime soon.
但未来绝对激动人心 But it's going to be amazing.
我先失陪下 Excuse me a second.
天啊 Oh, Jesus.