Hello!
Hello, thank you, and welcome to Taskmaster,
with me, your host and trophy model, Greg Davies.
The premise is simple.
Comedians tackle tasks, I give them points depending on how well I think they did,
and we all laugh at them.
At the end of the final episode, the person with the most points will win this
oooohhh-so-beautiful trophy.
Mmm, it's OK, it's not too bad.
- It's fine. - It's fine.
So, without further ado, let's meet the prospective future owners.
Please welcome...
Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And, well I never, if it isn't my extremely dependent adjudicator...
[he gasps]
♪ Little Alex Horne! ♪
[cheers and applause]
- What's new with you, Alex? - Thank you.
I've had my elocution lessons this week.
- Have you? They didn't go well, did they? - I've had four lessons.
[laughter]
But I get on well with my teacher. I've now got a beautiful speaking voice.
- Have you? - And I can do any accent.
Oh, OK. Um...
[laughter]
With a slight... I can only do one word in that accent.
"Egg". The word "egg" I can do in any accent.
OK.
- Ready? - Yep. Icelandic?
- Egg. - No.
- No? It's not bad. - [laughter]
You've fallen at the first hurdle, my friend.
But I thought it was pretty good.
Also, she taught me that if you say the word "salivate",
or even think the word "salivate",
- it makes you salivate. - [Aisling] Oh, yeah!
Ooh, that's nice, isn't it? Salivate.
- I almost drowned myself. - [Greg] That's powerful, isn't it?
Shall we start with the prize task?
Oh, God, yeah. Let's get on with this.
OK, well, the prize this week is the thing they're actually proudest of.
So, the person you think should be proudest of their thing
will get a full five points from you,
and begin the show both strongly and proudly.
At the end of the episode, the person with the most points
will go home as proud as a peacock with five proud items.
- Wonderful. - Thank you.
So, let's crack on. Bob?
I've brought a lung inflation testing pipe.
Ah.
I had a serious operation and they deflated my lungs.
And to get them reinflated over the course of the six months,
you have to blow into this thing... I think you suck it, actually.
It's quite an important difference.
[laughter]
That was my life for six months, and you have to get it from nought to five,
and if you get it to five, a little smiley face appears.
And the day I got the smiley face activated, it was the proudest day of my life.
It's called a spirometer. We can see it there.
[Alex] What a prize.
[laughter]
Thanks, Bob. I can understand why you're proud of that.
- Thank you. - It's a very heartwarming story behind it,
in that you're alive.
Yes.
[Greg] Aisling?
Genuinely one of the proudest moments of my career was when I...
What's that? Yes, wrestled
with professional wrestlers in Edinburgh.
We can see you punching around here, if you want.
Yeah, can we see the punching around?
- There's me! Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [laughter]
So what's the prize, Aisling?
Oh, the prize is my cape, so that is 12 Irish flags,
which people in Britain... you can use that to get EU citizenship.
[laughter]
- When Brexit comes in. - [Bob] Oh, there it is.
[Greg] You've sold that very well, no doubt about it.
Sally?
Well, I have changed the world, Greg.
I collaborated with an Icelandic lawyer,
and I was mentioned in the Icelandic parliament,
called the Althing-a... Icelanding-a.
And, um...
Made up, 100% made up.
[laughter]
And they formed a new committee to rethink how women are treated in pregnancy.
Whoa! Based on your work?
- [Alex] Yeah, that's you. - Based on my work, yeah.
So that's what they can actually win, isn't it?
- The picture of you at the Icelandic... - The picture of me, yes.
[Greg] It's arguably all about the actual prize that you've brought in.
- [Sally] Yeah. - The story behind it is worthy.
I didn't think it through. I just didn't think it through.
Yeah, I just thought, answer the question, "What are you most proud of?"
I didn't think, "Lie creatively about what you're most proud of."
[laughter]
Nish?
What have you brought?
The only physical achievement I have ever had in my entire life
was I won a cricket trophy when I was 11.
I used to play club cricket for Addiscombe Cricket Club,
and every year, they'd give out awards.
Batsman of the Year, Bowler of the Year, Player of the Year.
And then there was the award that I won,
an award called Clubman of the Year...
[laughter]
which I subsequently found out was presented
to the boy who'd shown the most enthusiasm in the face of, and I quote,
"An overwhelming lack of ability."
[laughter and applause]
I'm genuinely proud of it, 'cause I'm so physically incapable,
and that's the trophy that...
Hey, that's the only thing that's going to get you a point, mate,
because I relate to that...
because of how I look.
I went jogging the other day, and the man in my local café
came out into the street and pulled me in, and said,
"Me and some of the locals have been chatting."
"We don't think you should run."
[laughter]
Mark?
It's a Mastermind trophy. I was on Mastermind.
- And, um... - [Alex] See it up there.
Celebrity Mastermind or real Mastermind?
[Mark] Oh, no, not real Mastermind.
On real Mastermind the questions are really hard.
This was things like, "What sort of animal does a moo?"
A COW! A COW!
[cheers and applause]
I'm surprised I wasn't up against Nish.
[laughter]
- Right, Greg, you've got to score it now. - Here we go. Nish, you're obviously last.
- Oh, come on! - [laughter]
That's a rubbish trophy,
and I can't soft-soap you. You've got to start facing up to life.
- [laughter] - Mark, I'm going to put you next.
Aisling, I'm putting you in third because you were defending your own nation.
Sally, I'll be honest with you,
I'm probably alone in thinking you've never done human rights work.
But I have to give you the benefit of the doubt
so I don't look bad on television.
So I'm going to put you second.
And obviously, Bob's still alive and we all celebrate that, so he takes first place.
[cheers and applause]
Alex, it feels like task time.
Yes, we're gonna start with a classic game of ping-pong.
- Oh, I love ping-pong. - We do, don't we?
- We love ping-pong, yeah. - Mm-hm.
Back in the lab.
Well, well, well.
What have we here?
A big old robot dick.
This looks like my kind of task.
- [Alex] You like drainpipes? - I love drainpipes.
Right, sorry. Pardon me.
I was overcome by the conical shape.
"Remove the table tennis ball from the pipe."
"The pipe must not be moved."
What table tennis ball?
It's in the pipe.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."
Oh, Jesus.
OK.
[applause]
From big old robot dicks to the rules.
OK, the rules are quite simple.
They had to get the ball from within the big old robot tube.
[laughter]
And they were allowed to touch... it.
[laughter]
But they weren't allowed to move it.
- Ah. Touch, don't move. - They can touch it.
Touch, don't move. The traditional rules.
Touch, don't move.
OK?
And she was the last to realise where the ball was,
so we're gonna start with Aisling.
And remember: touch, don't move.
Remember that. Touch, don't move.
OK. So these drinks are drinkable?
[Alex] Yes.
Yeah, that's lovely.
I'm gonna pour...
Oh?
Oh, and it comes out the... Right.
OK, is this doable? Does anyone check?
OK.
I'll have that to go in there.
So I can keep using the juice.
That's not great.
[laughter]
OK, gonna have to send down some...
Just thought of a better idea.
I'm gonna plug it with the task.
Wait, now.
Am I allowed to move the tray?
[Alex] As long as the pipe doesn't move.
[Alex] Oh. It looks like it's moving. No?
It's still stuck to the tray.
[Alex] Hmm.
Oh, I know what I'm gonna do.
It's gonna be bloody brilliant.
[Alex] You're definitely not moving the pipe?
No!
And then...
[laughter]
[Alex] I think you've blocked it with your piece of paper.
I have bloody blocked it with my piece of paper.
[laughter]
Yeeeah! Stop the clock!
[applause]
It did move a bit.
[laughter]
So, in summary...
Aisling entered the room,
she got pissed,
[laughter]
she put some paper down the tube,
she flagrantly ignored the rules and turned the tube upside down.
Yes.
Do I get a point, though?
When a bird is in a tree, and the tree is chopped down,
the woodsman has moved the bird.
And you are directly quoting from my chest tattoo.
[laughter]
I appreciate that.
We're done with that part, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll see you in a few minutes for the next part.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex, can you please give us a lovely, lovely little update?
OK, well, as some viewers might remember,
I lost your only table tennis ball down a drainpipe attached to a food tray,
which is typical me.
Aisling has demonstrated that the tube has holes in, so water comes out.
We presumed that people would notice the holes and not just pour in,
but do you wanna see Nish and Mark?
[laughter]
I'm not sure I like that was framed, really.
Ready?
Yeah, let's see these pricks.
[laughter]
This is a sucking task, isn't it?
[whispers] Just between you and me, how do you do this?
[Alex whispers] I'm looking forward to finding out.
Watson, he's the brain. He'll have worked it out.
Ah, now that's interesting.
The holes, of course.
Could I stop these holes up?
It doesn't say that I'm limited to the liquid in here, I suppose, does it?
[Alex] No.
Shame about those holes that didn't stop up.
Yeah, I think if I can do it within the hour, that puts me on the board.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Some of the holes have been blocked.
Oh, it's really coming out of the sides now.
Come on!
Oh, God, it's not...!
The paper was not an ideal blocking agent.
Does anyone have any tape?
[Alex] I expect so.
[he sighs] Christ on toast.
Quite a lot of leakage, but that doesn't matter.
We know the principle works.
Oh, is there cling film?
[Alex] There's a kitchen.
Holy shit!
[laughter]
Eh? Eh?
Is cling film waterproof?
[laughter]
NO!
[laughter]
[he screams]
This is my Everest.
I mean, that must be enough, surely to Christ.
Right.
[laughter]
There.
[cheers and applause]
- [Alex] Well done, Mark. - [Mark laughs]
I hope nothing like that ever happens again.
The water's staying in!
Come on, you piece of crap!
NO!
YES!
[cheers and applause]
[applause]
Well, Mark...
There's genuinely not a day that goes by that I don't think about it.
[laughter]
What I love about Mark's attempt,
and you know, Mark's an educated man,
who's written more than one novel,
and your instinct was not that the holes were the problem,
but there wasn't enough liquid.
[laughter]
Presumably, your game plan was to overwhelm the holes.
My game plan for life is to overwhelm the holes, Greg.
- [laughter] - We will not be overwhelmed!
How long did it take?
Twenty-three minutes and ten seconds.
Whoa!
How long did I do it for, Horny?
Well, half of the film Phone Booth. You know, the Colin Farrell film.
[they laugh]
It's a short film.
[Nish] It's a short film, we're talking...?
He'd just gone out of the booth by the time you got the ball out.
So how long?
Forty-four minutes and 22 seconds.
[applause]
Forty-four minutes!
After half an hour, you shouted, "God, it's like a bassoon."
[laughter]
Who's next?
Next up, it's Bob Mortimer having a go.
I'm-- I need to get higher.
- [laughter] - Oh, that's handy.
There's a lovely little old lady out there selling stools.
Oh, it's down the bottom!
Incredibly fortunately, the little old lady that was selling stools
her husband sells ear protectors.
But sadly doesn't open them for you.
[laughter]
Quite tight, the ball. You know what I mean?
That's my catchphrase, "Do you know what I mean?"
No, but do you know what I mean?
[Alex] Yes, I know what you mean, yep.
Have you ever had a catchphrase, Alex?
[Alex] No, I'm not allowed one.
Why not? The wife?
[Alex] No, the Taskmaster.
I've got so, so lucky.
The old guy and his wife had a son
who was collecting for, like, daft kids.
You know, kids who are a bit daft.
[Alex] You can say that, can't you, I think? Yeah.
- Just daft lads. - [Alex] Yeah.
And, er, he's selling this tape.
Anyone expecting a ball to appear?
[laughter]
Ooh, fuck off!
That's a shitty moment, for me, wasn't it?
Really, Geoffrey.
That could've been another catchphrase, you know what I mean?
Really, Geoffrey!
[cheers and applause]
I've received it and I'm quite pleased with myself.
But few of the other competitors will spend as much for charity as I did on my journey.
Thank you. There's your ball.
- What was his time? - I can tell you, he...
He said he left the one hole open it case it needed to breathe.
- Right. - That's showboating.
And then it took him eight minutes and 13 seconds.
Wow, that's not bad.
- [applause] - That's impressive.
It was a hell of a performance, Bob.
Thank you.
Measured, and I loved the presentation of the ball afterwards.
Thank you. It's important, this part of it, innit?
- It is. - Yeah, it is.
Nestled on the conical flask.
Whenever I go to the GP about my prostrate,
he always says how nicely I present my balls.
[laughter]
It's a she, actually, and I do go too often.
- [laughter] - You can never be too careful.
That was incredible, Bob. Incredible performance.
Do you want to see the other grown-up?
- Yeah, let's see Sally. - OK.
I mean, I'm quite short, so I need to see where it is.
I can get you something to perch on.
Thank you.
Here.
Interesting.
Did I see a funnel?
That doesn't fit.
[laughter]
You know the definition of stupidity
is to just keep on doing the same thing
and expecting something to go differently?
Welcome to my world.
Wait a cotton-picking minute.
It's just like Kerplunk.
Like reverse Kerplunk.
Hmm.
Hoover. Is there a...?
[Alex] Would you like me to go and get you the hoover?
Yeah!
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] Thank you, Sally!
You poured the liquid perfectly well into the tube,
and then you went and sourced a funnel.
[laughter]
- Come on, mate. We've all been there. - This is one of my horror ones, you know?
- That's one of your horror ones? - Yeah, I--
It took me three quarters of an hour!
My favourite part of the whole thing was when
you made hoover-to-ball contact.
And your eyes - it was only an imperceptible movement - did this.
[laughter]
Hell of a performance, but was it a hell of a performance timing-wise?
Yes, well, she took the same amount of time
as a man called Megatoad ate 12 cans of sweetcorn last year.
It was in New Zealand. It was amazing.
Just under 13 minutes.
- Oooh, wow. - Twelve cans of sweetcorn.
The whole cans.
[applause]
So, Sally came second, Mark third,
Nish got two points for that, because unfortunately, Aisling was disqualified,
but Bob gets five points!
Hey!
[applause]
What's the scoreboard looking like at the moment, Alex?
Somebody's got a maximum after tasks,
and that man is of course Mr Bob Mortimer.
- So the scoreboard's looking like this. - [Aisling] Great work.
[applause]
Um, next please.
Well, this one is like the word "commerce".
It really means business.
It was sort of a... I...
Fuckin'...
Oh, hi.
How's it goin'?
[Alex] Good, thank you, Nish.
[Alex] Hello, Bob.
I assume I open the box.
Is this a trick with the locks?
No.
[laughter]
A coconut. The largest of all the nuts.
So the task is presumably in here.
Oh, no, I don't know. Something's in here.
It's not immediately clear how to open this,
but then I'm not the sort of person to own a briefcase.
I mean, if you went to work with that,
you'd be sacked immediately.
I imagine that you would press these things down,
and it would sort of snap open.
I don't know how to open this,
and I don't quite know what to do if I can't open it.
Um...
"Make this coconut look like a businessman."
Hang on.
No.
Does it have to be a business-man?
Or, for once, could we open up the idea and call it a businessperson?
[Alex] You can interpret businessman however you like.
I will interpret it as sexist.
"You have ten minutes to plan your coconut businessman."
"And then ten minutes to make him."
"Your time starts... now."
Ah! There we go.
- Hey, cool. Right, we're on the way. - [cheers and applause]
Right, the task.
Oh, it's a coconut.
Do you want to know how long it took him to...
[laughter]
I mean, it's obviously my first question, yeah.
It took him six minutes to crack the code.
[laughter]
The code was zero, zero, zero,
and it was on zero, zero, zero.
I accept, looking at the other people, that it was openable.
[laughter]
Bob asked us to leave him alone in his dressing room.
He was probably shy.
[laughter and applause]
Go on.
Yeah, we left him in his room.
He asked for some pens and some other fruit,
and he asked also to film it himself on his mobile phone.
Just to be absolutely clear, the task is to make the coconut look like a businessman.
- That's right. - Let's go.
[Bob] Hello, I'm Mary Down-by-your-side, and I'm a lathe operator.
Hello, there. I'm Slow Peter, and I paint prison gates.
And I'm a fucking businessman!
[laughter and applause]
Did you like it?
I mean, I liked it.
Did that coconut look like a...?
Show me the video again and let me re-voice it.
Hello, I'm Barbara and I like horses.
[laughter]
My name is Quentin and I enjoy ballet.
[laughter]
And I'm Morgan, and I don't think women should be allowed to breastfeed in public.
[laughter and applause]
Do you see my point?
I do see your point, yeah.
He just looks like a coconut character.
[laughter]
It looks like an angry coconut.
I thought maybe if he said he was a businessman...
you know, that would get me over that hurdle.
There you go.
Hit the pause button.
Grab a drink and then fast-forward the ads,
and join us back here for part three. See you then.
Hello. Welcome to part three, then.
Here we go, Alex.
OK, yes, let's do this.
Our contestants have been trying to make coconuts look like businessmen.
Up next, it's Aisling Bea.
Yes.
Also asked for equipment, and we can see your businessperson...
- now. - Thank you.
[laughter and applause]
It's interesting, Aisling. You made a very valid point.
- Thank you. - About the sexist nature of the task.
Yes.
But the first thing I noticed was the cracking pair of boobs on her.
[laughter]
You absolute pig, Greg.
It reflects very badly on me, you're right.
Well, then, this one is for you. Let me talk you through.
So this is a coconut businesslady.
She's not afraid to have an outfit that makes the most of her figure, no, sure.
Yeah, she's wearing red lipstick to draw the male attention,
so she can probably fire them.
She's also got loads of coconut water around her,
which is, yes, her own blood, because she's a coconut.
[laughter]
And then, at gunpoint, she's forcing
three subservient male businessmen to drink her own blood
during a general meeting at the office.
And that, sir, is my businessperson.
We can zoom in slightly on her... face.
Face, please, Alex.
[laughter]
[Alex] You said she was 58 years old and an app creator.
An app creator, yeah.
Fifty-eight? She's taken her time, hasn't she?
That's why she's got so much hair on her face.
[laughter]
Well, she's a furry-faced delight.
[Aisling] Thank you.
You used to call me that.
I did.
[laughter]
Until I came to despise you.
[Greg] And who's next?
So, Mark, do you want to explain what you did?
I thought, well, I probably won't be that good
at making it physically look like a businessman.
I'm not very good at arts and crafts, so instead,
I'll make it look to the world like a businessman
by actually founding a business for this coconut,
and over the 20 minutes, I did set the coconut up
on Twitter and Facebook as a sort of answering service.
- You can ask questions. - You can see it here.
- Yeah, have a look, yeah. - Here he is.
[laughter]
My thinking was that a lot of business is virtual these days,
and almost can almost claim to be a businessman or -woman
simply by having an online presence,
so I spent the 20 minutes establishing
as big an online presence for the coconut as I could.
I've since gone on to register the coconut at Companies House.
[laughter]
And we can see the certificate. It has been certified.
[laughter and applause]
Is the coconut talking to you?
Er, there are people that claim that he doesn't, but I know...
[laughter]
I know what I hear.
[Greg] Who's next?
OK, Sally Phillips, who again asked for bits and bobs,
and she made this businessman.
[laughter]
Whoa, that business is doing so well!
[Aisling] Is that a tiny Oyster card in his hand?
Yeah, it is.
[laughter]
He is not a very successful businessman if he's getting the Tube, is he?
I mean, Sally was the only one who shaved the coconut.
She spent over half the time shaving the coconut
- and then covered it up. - [laughter]
How long did you spend shaving a coconut?
Eleven minutes. Eleven minutes on shaving.
Eleven minutes?
It doesn't look like a businessman, it looks like a mad owl.
- [laughter] - I thought it was quite good.
- [Greg] Yeah, I know you did. - [Aisling] What's his little badge, Sally?
He's got an identity badge and a tie.
Oh, and is that a tiny picture of a coconut in his identity badge?
- [Nish] Oh, that's cool. - [audience] Awww!
He's an interesting businessman.
Let's see if Nish Kumar can do worse.
OK, well, this is the task that Nish laughed most at...
whilst doing.
Jesus.
- [laughter] - That's saying something.
And then he came out of the house looking like this.
[dramatic classical music plays]
[laughter]
[Nish] Hello.
I'm the Coconut Businessman.
Off to do another day of lovely business.
[cheers and applause]
What's that? Is that the face of a man who's not gonna come last for once?
He's a businessman from the southern states of America, Greg!
Another day of lovely business wearing my tie made of English money.
Yeah, we stapled the money to the tie.
Well, you stapled the money to the tie.
I did staple the money to the tie.
We've got a close-up. I think there was £140 on the tie.
[laughter]
- Where do you want to start? - Right at the bottom.
I very much enjoyed the determination in Bob's coconut's eyes,
but he did not look like a businessman, so I'm afraid he must go there.
Sally, I mean, yours was like something from an awful nightmare.
Awful, weird mini-owl.
Aisling, I thought...
- [she gasps] No! - Come on, that was strong.
- That was so strong. - I thought it was very strong.
I don't accept your first offer.
I'm gonna have to negotiate.
OK, well, I'm only putting you in third place
because I don't think going into a business meeting
with a gun is a good policy.
[laughter]
- Oh, God. - And we're a very non-violent show.
But I very much enjoyed her,
apart from, you know, the threat of death.
Um, Mark, you didn't particularly make the coconut look like a businessman
because you gave him a bow tie that was a big as his head,
which I think would throw people, but,
by creating an actual business, he looks incredibly like a businessman,
and, you know, Nish Kumar, just from sheer audience reaction, I think.
I couldn't not give your tiny-headed businessman first place.
[cheers and applause]
OK, here's the next task.
[eagle cries]
Just getting too agonising, these long walks.
[Alex] Hello, Aisling.
[she pants] Hi, Alex.
So, three tasks, or...?
[Alex] So, Nish, there are three items on that table.
- and three tasks. - I can see 'em.
Three tasks, three items.
[Alex] You can open them in any order you want.
OK.
[Alex] You will be opening all three in the course of the task.
Then I'm going to overthink that part. Looks interesting.
Go central.
We always go for the left, we always go for the left.
Right to left, Arabic style.
[Alex] Mmm, intriguing.
[applause]
Nish, if you don't mind me saying,
you're an absolute dreamboat in that footage.
[laughter]
It was... a hot day...
- Yeah, tell me about it. - to be wearing a full suit.
[laughter]
So, as you saw, there were three tasks, there were three items on the table.
Yeah.
It's up to them how they did it.
So we'll have a look at Bob and Aisling first.
Uh-oh.
"Standing behind this rope, throw one item into the bucket."
"You may retrieve the item if it misses,
but you must be stood behind the rope on every throw."
"You may not move the rope or the bucket."
"Fastest wins. Your time started when you opened the first task,
and ends when you've completed all three tasks."
Oh, I'm gonna go for the Weetabix.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
I'm trying not to show how incredibly pleased I am... [he laughs]
I am by that.
"Eat one item. Fastest wins. Your ti--"
[muffled noises]
"Eat one item."
"Fastest time wins."
[muffled] "Stand behind this rope."
[muffled noises]
I really should've eaten the Twiglet.
[laughter]
Get in!
"Balance one item..."
Argh!
"on top of the red pole."
"The item must stay balanced until the entire task is completed."
"You may not take the pole out of the ground."
"The fastest wins."
[laughter]
I mean, you said balance, so there you are.
Thank you, Bob.
- [applause] - [Alex] I've stopped the clock.
[laughter]
- Thank you, Aisling. - Thank you, Alex.
[applause]
That's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah, that was a long day at the office.
I would love to know how long it took
between the words "eat one item"
and you getting that in your mouth.
I would argue it was less than a tenth of a second.
- [Aisling] Yeah. - You heard "eat" and you ate.
Ate the Weetabix, yeah.
And if I'd gone like this with the paper, I would have seen a Twiglet.
But instead, I just went, "THAT!"
"No, no, no, guys, no, no, no."
Yeah, it was awful.
[Greg] It was Olympic eating. It was impressive.
- That Weetabix throw was absolutely extraordinary. - Well, you get lucky, don't you?
Was it lucky or was it something else?
No, it's not something I do, throw Weetabix into buckets.
- [laughter] - I just got lucky!
You ate the Weetabix. The world record, in case you're probably wondering,
"The Viking" from New Zealand ate a dry Weetabix in 2.17 seconds.
Yeah?
- Two seconds to eat one. - He swallowed it, then?
Yeah, the whole thing.
Aisling scored four minutes and 30 seconds.
- [applause] - Oh, not bad. Respectable, I think.
Bob, there is no world record for eating Twiglets quickly,
so you are the current world record holder for that.
Thank you.
But very slow at mounting the table. You scored four minutes.
Four minutes. You took two and a half to get on the table.
[applause]
Brilliant throwing, too fucked to get on a table.
[laughter]
- But he is in the lead. - He is.
Those two, as you saw, opened them one by one.
Nish and Mark had a different tactic.
"Balance one item on top of the red pole."
"Eat one item."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time started when you opened the first task,
and ends when you've completed all three tasks."
OK.
I'm gonna check the other tasks first.
"Standing behind this rope..."
"throw one item into the bucket."
Where's the rope?
Oh, the... Yeah.
"Eat one item." OK.
"Balance one item on top of the red pole."
So I've gotta eat one, throw one in the bucket, balance one on top there.
Will this balance on here or is that silly?
Still, it surely is possible.
Let's try throwing the Weetabix in the bucket.
No.
Go with this as well.
Ooh.
Right, I'm gonna continue throwing both of these.
No.
Underarm?
Oh!
No wind.
In. That's in.
The Twiglet is in.
That was the measurer.
Argh, it's disintegrated!
[Alex] It's all got to go into the bucket.
It's disintegrated...
[audience] Aww.
Some of it's in.
[Alex] Percentage?
I'm gonna go... five.
[he sighs] Oh, Jesus.
What's happened here is I've had a bit of the old fit of rage.
Weetabix is compromised.
I hate this show.
This goes in.
And that, I think, is that.
[Nish grunts]
Argh!
[laughter]
[Alex] Finished?
[applause]
It's a shame, I was gonna give you an extra bonus point
for the sheer style of the jelly throw at the end.
But I've just taken it away 'cause you pushed my table over.
The anger had sort of got the best of me by that point,
'cause it was quite a hot day,
and there were quite a lot of people watching and openly laughing.
And shouting, "Look at that man, he's terrible."
[laughter]
It's interesting how quickly you can remove any hint of film-star cool
by getting someone to chuck a Weetabix into a bin.
Mark opened them all at once, planned it.
Still slower than Bob. Four minutes 20.
- [Greg] Really? - Yeah.
So it's still Bob in the lead, then Mark, then Aisling, at this stage.
Yeah, I mean, but did you see Mark's joyful face when he was eating that jelly?
I've never seen a happier man.
Anyone that didn't eat the jelly was missing an absolute treat, honestly.
We're stopping the action there for a break.
See you soon for part four, where we'll find out
who'll take Bob Mortimer's breathing apparatus home.
Hello. Part four is here and we are neck-deep in task.
We are, we're neck-deep in three tasks.
We've seen everyone except for Sally Phillips from Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.
Here she is.
[laughter]
[Alex] Are you gonna move the table?
Yeah.
Would you like me to help?
Let me know when it's close enough.
Weetabix.
OK, that's on.
- [applause] - [Alex] You finished the Twiglet?
Yeah, that's gone.
[cheers and applause]
[Nish] Oh, my God!
That was iconic!
Unbelievable.
You could feel the tension in the room. "She can't throw the jelly!"
[Nish] Yeah!
Absolutely incredible performance from Phillips.
[Alex] Do you want me to tell you the time?
The mother of three. It looked like breakfast, a little bit.
I've got three children and that's pretty much how we feed them.
[laughter]
Her time, she was half the time of anyone else.
Two minutes and one second.
[cheers and applause]
Nish failed to get any points,
then it was Aisling with two points,
Mark with three, Bob with four,
Sally with five points!
[applause]
And I should think that that would be a scoreboard update time?
I'm actually gonna tell you the series scores, as they stand.
I won't say what Aisling and Nish have got,
but they're at the back of the race at the moment.
[laughter]
- Thanks, baby. - They are 11 points behind the leader.
But thanks to that task, Bob and Sally are both on 49 at this stage.
[cheers and applause]
And those scores are quite accurately reflected
in the current scoreboard of this one.
Aisling and Nish at the back, but Bob and Sally at the front.
They look like this at the moment.
[Alex] One task to go.
[applause]
Lovely. All to play for, as they say.
OK, everybody.
Please vacate your seats and make your way
to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Well, I mean, self-explanatory?
[laughter]
Who will be reading the task out for us, Alex?
- Mark Watson will be reading. - Ah, lovely. Mark Watson.
You heron-like man.
Every day, he likens me to a heron.
[laughter]
"Play table tennis with words."
"When the table tennis ball is within striking distance, you must
say a word while pretending to hit the ball with your bat."
"That word must begin with the last letter of the previous word."
[audience gasps]
Yeah, "ooh" is right.
"If you fail to say a word within the time it would
take you to hit a table tennis ball, you are out."
"After saying your word, you must run to the back
of the opposite queue as the task progresses."
"Alex will serve the first word to the youngest contestant."
"Last player standing wins."
So just to run through it, we'll just have a little practice go, so we all get it right.
- So I'm gonna serve it to Nish. - Yeah.
Nish is gonna strike it and say a word.
Definitely.
So you now run behind me to the back of that queue.
Your word must start with Y.
Er, Yosemite.
[laughter]
As long as Greg judges it as a word...?
- It's a word. - It's a word, then you're fine.
So this would be...
- Eating. - Eating, and...
Grass.
- You can do whatever shot you want. - Then I go over there?
You can put a spin on it. Yes, you run round to the back.
Septic.
Septic is lovely.
Christian.
OK, so we see how it works.
Everyone understands? First out gets one point, last out gets five points.
- OK. - Lovely.
Let's play.
Good luck. I'm serving a word to the youngest player, Nish Kumar.
Taskmaster.
Regret.
[laughter]
Table.
Elephant.
Tom.
Maybe.
Ecclesiastical!
[laughter]
Loser.
Radish!
Hat!
Ch--ch--cha--!
- [laughter and applause] - [Alex] We've lost one, we've lost one.
[Greg] Wait!
I just wanna make sure that wasn't a word used in Iceland.
[laughter]
No, Sally, you receive one point.
So, Nish, you're gonna receive the word "hat" right now.
Terrible!
Egg!
Greenland!
Dobermann!
Eh-- No!
[laughter]
On!
Ah--oh-- What?
On, on, on.
All right. Nougat!
Theatre!
Theatre.
Excellent!
Teriyaki!
Iceland!
Daft.
Terrible!
Excellent!
- Ah, we've had excellent. - We have had excellent.
Yeah.
Are you not allowed to repeat the same words, then? Was that in the actual...
It feels like if you can, it would never end, but we didn't say it.
You didn't say it, you didn't say it.
How about from now on, you're not allowed to repeat the words?
Great, OK.
You two stand there, you two stand there.
There was a pause in the game. We're gonna kick off again.
I'm gonna serve a word to Bob, and it's a word of my choice. OK?
Phoenix.
Eh-- Ugh.
[laughter and applause]
That is very mean.
I'm serving to Aisling, 'cause there's only two at this end of the table,
- OK. - So it must go to Aisling.
Speedboat.
Tank.
Kiss!
Septic.
Cosmopolitan!
- Ah, beep beep! We've had septic. - We've had septic.
Someone else had septic.
- Mark has retired from the game. - Well, well, well.
Nish Kumar, as I live and breathe.
I always knew it would end this way.
Kumar.
Ro-o-bot!
[laughter]
Oh, shit!
[laughter]
Torture.
Eccl-eee-siastical!
I've said it already!
[cheers and applause]
Yes! Yes!
A very powerful performance there. We have a winner.
Why don't you all come and join me, and we'll see how that's affected the overall score.
[applause]
Nailbiting athleticism and wordsmithery.
- I was gonna say that. - Were you?
It was very nailbiting. It was exciting, wasn't it?
Yeah, really exciting.
Do you use "phoenix" a lot?
[laughter]
I can imagine you feel a little cheated.
Well, I'm so sorry, but you..
The more you play the game, the more you'll be prepared for phoenix.
That's one of the secrets of the game, but...
Aisling won the task. Congratulations, congratulations.
[cheers and applause]
Alex, tell me about the scores, please.
Well, despite that heroic performance from
the finalists Aisling and Nish, they remain in fourth and fifth place.
[laughter]
And he came in second last, he couldn't cope with phoenix,
but he has won this week's show.
With 17 points, as you can see, Bob Mortimer.
[cheers and applause]
Well.
Which is the rightful outcome, in that, you know,
Bob needs that pipe to survive.
This is my understanding.
You go and take your mucus home with you.
Bob, you are the winner and the proud owner of loads of stuff.
- Thank you. - You should be really proud.
- Please go get your prizes! - [applause]
Alex.
Mm-hm?
Salivate.
[audience groans]
Incredible.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you want to see a man running quickly,
take a look at Usain Bolt.
If you want to witness a tennis pro,
you look at Serena Williams.
But if you want to see someone chuck a jelly into a bucket,
you call Sally Phillips.
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, let's not forget that tonight's winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
[applause]
We'll see you next time. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]