Hello and hello too.
I am Greg Davies. Welcome to yet another series of Taskmaster.
We have an incredible new fivesome awaiting patiently for me
to get this series under way. Are you ready?
YES!
Then please meet the five people competing to win my ginormous gilded noddle.
They are... James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
And next to me, he looks after the facts and figures,
but I have full control over his salary...
He's little, he's Alex,
he's Alex Horne...
He's little Alex Hooorne.
- Thank you. Hello, Greg. - Hello.
Thank you for having me back.
I've been very busy...
- since we've been away. - Yeah? What have you been up to?
I've downloaded, um, quite a bit of the internet.
Yep.
And I've been doing... I've done some research into you.
- You're a comedian! - Correct.
You used to be a teacher.
Over six foot. You didn't...
You don't have... any pets yet. Yet.
You're a Taurus.
OK, on with the show.
We're gonna start with the prize task.
- If that's alright, Greg. - Good. Yes.
Each competitor brings in something for the prize pot,
and at the end of the episode, the winner takes home all the things.
That's how it works.
And the first prize category for our fledgling competitors is
the thing that most people would like to touch.
- I'm gonna start with old James there. - Hello.
What did you bring in that you think I'd like to touch?
MC Hammer.
He released a song, um...
called "Can't Touch This."
Oh, "Can't Touch This"!
And that made a lot of people want to touch it.
We haven't got the actual MC himself.
We've got a representation of the MC.
- Yes. - So there it is.
If you saw that on the street, you'd think it was him.
Oh, God, you would, yeah. Especially if he was one-dimensional
- and stayed absolutely perfectly still. - Yeah.
Can I say, I think he's two-dimensional.
Yeah, it is two-dimensional, you're right.
What do you think the "this" that MC Hammer was referring to was?
A two-dimensional cardboard cutout of himself?
Do you wanna see what Jess has brought in?
Yeah, yeah. Let's move on.
Well, it could actually complement James's quite nicely.
Hmm. Gut instinct says it's not going to.
Let's have a look?
Don't tell me you don't wanna touch that!
Is the sign saying "don't touch the sign",
or is it saying "don't touch something else"?
'Cause otherwise I don't see the point of the sign.
I thought about this.
I thought about this, and normally it would be next to something,
wouldn't it, that you can't touch, but...
Yeah, I think that's more likely,
rather than the sign having an existential crisis.
I think I'm having an existential crisis.
OK, so, "do not touch" makes me want to touch... No, it doesn't.
Kerry, what did you bring in?
A Newton's cradle.
- Interesting. - Clicky thing.
- I know what they are. - OK.
We can see a picture of the Newton's cradle,
also called an executive ball clicker,
which is what you call me.
That is what that's called.
It's interesting. I've got a personal connection with this executive toy,
because I requested one in 1981 from my mother,
and she refused to buy me one because she thought it was pointless.
- But that's the joy of it. It's pointless! - Correct.
That's the joy of it, old woman.
Anyway, when I got my first job in 1990, I bought myself one,
and, tragically, the end of the story is, it was very disappointing to touch.
No.
I'll tell you now, it's the best one yet.
Oh, come on!
Oh, come on, last place.
Phil?
Um, I've gone more of a classic route,
and I've got a little toy chariot with a man driving it.
Absolute classic.
Here's the toy.
There's a little switch on the side.
Yeah, there's a button that you want to touch, in particular.
If there's a button, you're gonna want to touch that and see what happens.
Yeah.
Do you want me to show you what happens when you touch the button?
- Of course I do. - OK.
That is something.
I bought it in Indonesia.
- Yeah? - So it's exotic.
I haggled for this.
The guy in the market, he said, "100,000 rupiah."
And then I said, "50,000."
And he said, "100,000." And I said, "70,000."
And he said, "100,000."
So I paid 100,000...
Rhod?
Let's see the first picture, 'cause it's a series of pictures.
It's a journey.
There's the first.
- OK, so that's you. - Yeah.
How old are you there?
- About 17? - About 17.
- Let's see the next picture. - OK.
- Because... - Ugh!
I went to the trouble...
of knocking up a replica...
of your childhood teddy bear, whose name was...?
- BT. Blue Ted. - BT, Blue Ted.
And I know how much you enjoyed touching...
I should explain, for anyone who doesn't understand.
Yeah, please explain, Greg.
When I was a teenager,
during a particularly unfulfilling frisky period in my life,
I did have relations with a bear...
that my mother had made for me.
We can see sort of the area that you were interested in.
The horrible thing is, I don't know what happened to BT.
He could still be around.
I think we all know what happened to BT, mate!
Alright.
Where d'you wanna start? First or last?
In last place...
It's just a sign.
And I wanna say this early doors,
that Jess told me before the show
that it's her dad's opinion
that I penalise females on this show,
- and... what's his name? - Peter.
Peter, looks like it's fucking true, doesn't it?
In joint second to last place,
- with two points each... - Two points each, yes?
I'm going to put Kerry...
because I despise women.
Joint second to last, I'm going to put it with James's MC Hammer,
because I don't want to touch MC Hammer
or a cardboard cutout of MC Hammer.
In second place, with four points, because I cannot deny my past,
it's Rhod Gilbert, 'cause wherever you are, BT,
I do miss touching you.
And in first place, inexplicably,
because I don't know why I want to touch that toy,
it's Phil Wang!
Good, we're off. Have you got something nice for us, Alex?
I thought it was about time for a change.
- OK. - OK.
Hi, Rhod.
- Alright, mate? - You alright?
- Is that a wig? - My hat?
Oh, it's a hat, is it? Oh, sorry.
- Hi, Kerry. - Hello, Alex.
- How are you? - I'm alright.
- Hello. - Hello.
Do you like it?
- Is it a clue? - Yes.
- Oooh. - You ready?
OK, it's just up here somewhere.
There we go.
- That... - Yeah?
Now, that... that is amazing!
I'll just get...
Absolutely, 100%.
- Nice little hat. - Thank you.
OK, what happened there?
That was amazing.
"Design and demonstrate the best quick-change outfit."
I don't know what that means.
"Best and quickest quick-change outfit wins."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
- Velcro is gonna be a key player. - OK.
Right, I know what I'm gonna do.
Lemme think. Can I have a few minutes to think?
Pwop, pwop, and then...
"Pwop, pwop?"
Er... it's Mandarin.
- Pwop, pwop? - Pwop, pwop.
Who's first?
Well, we're gonna see them all in real time, the quick changes.
- Pwop, pwop? - So bear that in mind.
Pwop, pwop. They will be in real time,
and first of all - I hope she doesn't mind me calling her this -
it's Jessica Knappett.
- Are you ready, Jessica? - I'm ready.
Can you, like, give it some theatre, Alex?
Unbelievable. Give it some welly.
Here I go.
Oh, yeah.
Man, that is incredible.
We are off to an absolute cracking start.
The weird thing is, I did actually wear that
underneath my real wedding dress when I got married.
Now, that's interesting,
because it had not occured to me that your first outfit was a bride.
- I had a massive veil over my face! - That's just me?
What did you think it was?
I just thought it was some ghostly apparition.
Was that real time? It was quick, as well. The change was quick.
Four seconds exactly.
Was that real time?
Yeah. Butterflies take two weeks.
Well, I'm pleased to say that it's time for the first ad break of the series.
Join us in part two to see Kerry and Phil's quick-change attempts.
Bye-bye!
Hello and welcome back to this
first episode of the seventh ever series of Taskmaster.
They're getting changed, Alex.
Well, you told them to, Greg. So, yes.
The new cast are currently trying to demonstrate the art of quick-change.
- Who's next? - It's Rhod's attempt. Here we go.
Alex.
So, what I wanna do...
Is that...
We're both gonna go from bikini...
to a one-piece swimming costume.
- So one of us is gonna lose our top. - Mm-hm?
And one of us is gonna lose our bottoms.
- Bottoms? - Yeah.
By now, you may be thinking
it's probably gonna be you that loses the bottoms, right?
I wasn't thinking that.
Oh, well, you should start thinking that.
Oh, no.
Right. Yep?
I'm gonna be removing... your panties.
Yes, you are.
So you're gonna be removing my top.
Yeah, and what are you gonna be removing?
I'll be removing your panties.
And I will be calling them panties.
I can hear that.
- OK, are you ready? - No.
So, this is gonna... Wait!
We're gonna go for the quickest change,
so if you'd like to take my straps...
There should be one up there, I think, and then one down the back.
- I've got you. - I've got you.
After three, a quick costume change.
Mm-hm. I'm ready.
On the count of three.
One, two, three, go!
Stop the clock. How was that?
It felt quite quick.
Mine came straight off. Yours was a bit more of a struggle.
Yeah, I certainly had the hard part.
Done. That's it.
- Wanna shake hands? No-- - No, no.
Now, I've known you for a number of years,
and I'm surprised to learn that you refer to
women's downstairs garments as "panties".
"Downstairs garments" isn't much better.
No, it isn't. You're right.
Alright, I really enjoyed that, though obviously it's ridiculous.
I put it to you, Rhod, that is not a quick-change outfit.
What? Why not?
They used to have quick-change artists
on 70s television all the time, as I remember.
I realise what--
I'd remember if someone just came on and just pulled their pants down.
Mr Benn would've been a lot better show if he'd done that.
It was quick, though. It was just under four seconds, 3.8.
- Jot that down, Greg. - I will.
I will, and I will submit this paper to the police.
Who's next?
Well, he's quick-witted. Is he quick-kitted?
- It's James Acaster next. - Ahh.
Welcome to the kitchen.
I'm gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Oh, hi!
I didn't see you there.
Welcome to the kitchen.
I'm just gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Third outfit.
Three outfits.
Was it a change, do you think?
Yeah?
- You change? - I was...
I started off as a groom, then I turned into a bride.
Just a bit of narrative to it, uh, so like...
To start off, you know, there's a guy, he's like, "Welcome to the kitchen."
Yeah.
And then a sexy lady comes out, and then a boy is born.
At the end.
Was that the child of the...?
Yeah, I was a little boy at the end.
Was that really the narrative or have you just made that up?
I just had to make it up. I'm tryna get points.
Yeah, yeah. Who's next?
Next, we've got Kerry Godliman, who weirdly, genuinely, is my cousin...
's favourite comedian.
Ready, steady, go!
That's it!
Now that is what I'm talking about.
That is a quick-change outfit.
- Velcro is key! - It is.
I don't know what to say, other than it was absolutely... perfect.
- Absolutely spot-on. - Wow.
I mean, you could've saved yourself a lot of time, I imagine,
just by wearing a bikini and pulling your bottoms off.
That's gonna take some beating.
Yeah, well, 3.8 seconds was Rhod's.
That was 3.6 seconds, so it was the quickest so far.
- It's tight, innit? - But there is still Phil Wang to go.
Phil Wang. Can he romp in and steal it, last minute?
Let's have a look. He's got 3.6 seconds to beat.
It's the wang and only Phil Wang.
Hello, Alex. So...
You know when they go to the races at Ascot?
And the ladies always have, like, a special outfit.
So we've got a little Ascot hat here.
Lovely summer dress and stockings.
- I'll start the clock... - OK.
- when you go back inside the house. - When I go back inside.
And... change!
it's a poncho. Ha-ha-ha!
Gloves...
Costume two.
This is a gardening outfit.
You've got a comfy garden skirt, poncho,
then you've got the stockings... have become gardening gloves.
Thank you, Phil.
- Thank you, Alex. - Thank you.
It wasn't just quickest, it was also best. So I...
It was the dictionary definition of fwop-fwop.
What I was going for the biggest possible change in costume.
Geographically speaking.
So you had from Ascot races to, like, a Mexican poncho.
Is that was they do in Mexico? Instead of gloves, they use stockings?
In Mexico.
I don't know, I haven't been. But I presume...
Oh, God, it was-- I thought it was rubbish.
Just no sense of urgency whatsoever.
Tell me the timing. I think we're gonna largely do it on timing,
'cause most of them were impressive outfits.
Well, Phil was 45 seconds, and then we drop down to five seconds for James,
four seconds for Jess, 3.8 for Rhod, 3.6 for Kerry.
Right, I think it's only fair that we have to penalise Rhod to a degree...
No.
because you just took a man's pants off.
- I'm gonna knock him down one place. - OK.
And I think that's fair.
- So, one point to Phil? - One point to Phil,
two points to James, three points to Rhod,
four points to Jess and five points to Kerry.
- There, let it be said. - OK. Kerry wins the task!
Over the moon!
Can we see the first scoreboard of series seven, please, Alex?
Well, James has four, but Kerry and Rhod are the leaders on seven!
Another task, please, Alex.
OK. For this one, we took the kids to the woods for assembly.
- Hello, Kerry. - Hello.
Hello, Phil.
Hi, Alex. How are you? Ow!
- Watch out for the holly. - Yeah.
- Hi, James. - The goddamn stingers.
There's stinging nettles and then a frigging holly bush and thorny branches.
- Welcome to the glade. - Where do you get off?
Welcome to the glade.
Oo-oh!
"Build the highest tower."
"You have five minutes from when your first box is assembled..."
"and a maximum time of 20 minutes from now."
I hate making boxes.
Why?
Well, I just know I can't really do it.
We probably should briefly drill down into your history of making boxes.
It's actually... There's a knack to it.
When have you had to do it?
- Uh, work. - Yeah.
Well, sometimes they're like, you know, "Jess, go in the back."
- "Make up a box." - What?
When I worked in a hospital, OK?
- I had to make some boxes then. - Oh, God.
"Go in the back and make the boxes."
Are you sure you were employed at this hospital?
No...
OK, Phil. I'm gonna be the first one to address it.
It's the first time we've seen your outfit full-length.
Yeah.
How are you feeling about it?
Well, it's-- it's Bruce Lee's Game of Death outfit.
Sure, and yet that's not what I see.
I saw a game of death.
I just wanted to make an homage
to one of the greatest Asian entertainers in history,
and also you get to see my dick and balls.
Uh-oh, break time! Good luck, bye-bye!
Hi, watchers. It's part three of this seventh series of Taskmaster.
Alex, what's been goin' on?
Well, Greg, we've had some quick changes,
and now they're building towers.
It's basically a crèche.
Can I reiterate the rules? Is that alright?
Er, if you want to, yeah.
'Cause they have 20 minutes to build the tower,
but only five minutes from when they correctly assemble their first box.
Yeah.
They could take their time, the full 20 minutes,
and not make any boxes, but once you've made a box,
you've only got five minutes from then.
- Sure. - OK?
Yes, thank you. I understand.
OK, we're gonna start off with James and Kerry.
Different genders, the same agendas.
One.
OK, you've got five minutes from now.
It's gotta be build a box and climb a tree and put it in the tree.
Could I run up that one?
Have a quick run up there.
No, absolutely not.
Yeah, now I can't reach the top.
I could throw it up.
Have we got any, uh... rope?
How do you get the flaps to stay down?
Have you got any sticky tape, then?
On me?
Could you hold the other end of that, please?
Thank you, Alex.
♪ Gaffer rope is no joke ♪
♪ Gonna tie it to a box ♪
♪ Hoist over a tree ♪
♪ Highest tower for you and for me ♪
No!
You've got five minutes.
Oh, shit. That is too high.
No!
Gaffer rope!
Gah!
There's gotta be another way.
I think this is as good as it's gonna get.
Yeah.
What do you wanna do? Throw the rope over and then pull the box?
That's what most people would do, isn't it?
Of course, that's why you'd make the rope in the first place.
You've got 40 seconds.
Please!
Ten seconds, James.
Argh, God! I stepped on the rope.
Stay up there!
Measure it.
When I blew the whistle, it was on the floor, James.
I guess the first thing to do would be
for us to establish what a tower is.
Yeah, a tower. A tower is a tall, narrow building,
either free-standing or forming part of a building,
such as a church or a castle.
- Right. - Tall and narrow.
Thank you. Kerry?
- What was he doing? - I don't know.
Believe me, we're coming on to that.
I think, "Oh, I've got it wrong!" but...
- No, no. You haven't. - Right.
- This is my point. - OK.
My point is it was the most straightforward approach.
You thought, "Well, I'll make boxes because
they will certainly stack on top of each other."
- I'm presuming this is your thinking. - What else would I have done?
Well, we're coming on to that.
And what's wrong with you?
I mean, the first thing you tried to do,
and I genuinely believe you were trying to do this,
is to run up a tree.
Yes.
That didn't work, and then you invented gaffer rope.
Now, fair play to you, I enjoyed your song.
Yeah.
That was off the cuff.
- No way. - Yeah, yeah.
What were you trying to do?
- The box would've been a tower by itself. - Right.
- And then I get it in the tree. - Yep.
And then it's taller than anyone else's towers could've possibly got to.
And then that's the tallest tower.
If you're walking through a wood and you saw a box up a...
You'd think, "Oh, look at that tower"?
Yeah.
Just like, Rhod, if I saw someone pull their pants down,
I wouldn't go, "Nice change."
That is more of a tower than what you did to him.
Who's next?
Next up are two giants from the world of phallic nicknames.
It's Rhod and Wang.
I studied engineering at university.
What did you get?
I completed the degree.
I haven't started the clock yet, 'cause they're not boxes yet.
No, I realise that.
Only a fool would assemble their first box quickly.
Is that a box?
No, it's not a box, 'cause it's...
- open this side. - OK.
What we need...
is some natural internal scaffolding.
Yes, N.I.S.
They're definitely not open boxes?
No, well, an open box is not a complete box.
You know how if you open a car door, it's not...
technically a car, until the doors close.
Ah, it's got a bloody big bend in it.
Does that matter, if it's got a big bend in it?
Oh... Balls.
The N.I.S. is ruining this.
Ten minutes left.
Argh!
OK.
Oh, no!
Oh... Another go, quick!
Ohh...!
Get it in amongst the foliage!
In amongst the foliage!
That's alright, huh?
Pretty tall.
- Finished? - I'm done.
That is... Self. Standing. Tower.
I can smell controversy over this.
Rhod's tower was not... It wasn't free-standing.
A tower doesn't need to be free-standing.
Have you not been listening to the definitions given out by Alex Horne?
Then why did you say, at the end of your bit,
- "That's free-standing"? - Just for a laugh.
Just for a laugh.
Well, come on, Phil. That was a box.
- No, it wasn't. - Yeah, that was a box, mate.
You were hoisted by your own car analogy and you know it.
That I did for laughs, but the...
Greg, can I say something here,
because I'm with Phil on this, I don't think that was a box, really.
I'm weighing in on your side.
Thank you, Rhod, and I don't think that was a tower.
That's what happens.
Alright, Michael Gove.
I mean, an open box is a box. I'm sorry, Phil, I...
Five minutes after assembling one box,
he'd still just assembled one box.
So it's the height of a box.
With the flaps open, though, so 75 centimetres.
Oh, God, that does seem mean.
Wait, what?
After five minutes, you'd only assembled one box,
despite the eventual colossal tower.
Oh dear, that's what comes of being an absolute tosser.
Back-stabbing little shit.
Aw, oh dear!
Right, well, Rhod created N.I.S.
Natural internal scaffolding.
- Something like that. - It was faultless.
But...
Surely...
The professional box-builder is gonna teach us all how to do this.
I wasn't very good at making boxes
in a professional capacity when required to.
Yet you were repeatedly sent into the back room of a hospital.
- Let's see. - Here is Jessica Knappett.
Oh, God.
This is the obvious thing to do.
I'll pop that there.
To sort of give it some stability.
No, I'm not. Um...
What would an architect do?
Dig down. We haven't got time.
We've got trees here.
- Yes! - Duh!
The problem is getting up there.
I can assist.
And then just drop it here.
- Ready? - Watch your feet!
Alex!
It's normally one, two... three...
Right.
This'll be a bit taller now.
That's quite high.
I'm leaving it there. I don't care what you say.
Four minutes.
So I am using a box after all.
Two minutes and ten seconds.
Right, fine.
- Whoa! - You've got 15 seconds.
OK, well... That's it for me.
Thanks, Jess.
Awww.
I elicited a lot of sympathy there, so...
- That is an interesting twist. - Just on that basis alone!
Yeah, I mean, you did it terribly, and yet...
So bad!
Everyone was openly laughing at James and Phil.
But just "ahh" for me.
So, Greg, James's was the smallest 'cause it was just a box,
so he gets one point. Phil was a box with a flap, so two points,
then we have Jess, three points,
Kerry's was just three metres but that's four points.
Rhod Gilbert's was 4.28 metres,
so he wins the task and gets five points!
Good. Let's have another task.
OK. This one involves one of your favourite pastimes.
- It's estimating girth. - Mmm.
Ooh!
Hello.
Hi, James!
Don't like the look of this one.
"Work out the circumference of the caravan in baked beans."
"Work out the circumference of the caravan in baked beans"?
"You have three minutes."
"Most accurate wins."
"Your time starts now."
Ugh, I can't remember what circumference means!
- I think it means... around it. - OK.
There we go, then.
The circumference of a caravan in beans. It's obvious, innit?
Only a mad person would actually physically get beans
and put them anywhere near that van.
- What would you do, Greg? - Yeah, Greg!
- I would work out the length of a bean. - Oh, you'd measure a bean? Yeah.
And then I'd use a different way of working out the circumference--
Oh, the old different way method!
Oh, didn't think of that!
You having a nice laugh, are you?
The old "different way", of course!
- Do you wanna see 'em? - Yeah.
Well, I've grouped James and Kerry together again. Here's why.
Can I just tip this out?
You can do this task however you want.
So, is circumference...
how many baked beans go right round the caravan?
Is that what you think?
Circumference of the caravan in baked...
How many baked beans for the whole...?
Right.
So...
I'm gonna see how many baked beans are in there.
- Right, 15 or about that. - Right.
Sliding now.
It's at least four.
One, two, three, four, five, six...
Sixteen.
Twenty.
Fifteen times 50.
- I'm not very good at maths! - You've got one minute.
What's 15 times 50?
I'm afraid you have to do it yourself, Kerry.
Whatever 15 times 50 is is the answer!
You've still got 45 seconds.
Fifteen times 50. Ten times 50 is 5,000.
700.
700... 7,000.
It's about 7,050 baked beans.
Or 750.
- I'm gonna need one of them. - It can't be 700.
700.
- Exactly 700 baked beans? - Yeah.
Is that a coincidence, it's such a round number?
If that's 15...
It's 750 baked beans!
How embarrassing, man.
You're an angry mathematician, aren't you?
Well, it's because I'm not very good at maths,
so it just makes me cross.
You're right, you sounded like a malfunctioning cyborg.
They both came up with very similar answers.
- 700 and 750. - Right.
- Can't be coincidence. - Gotta be in that ballpark.
Gotta be in that ballpark.
But hang on, you went right around the caravan.
- I included the garden. - OK.
- You didn't touch the caravan? - No.
Well, what the f--
That's the end of part three. Jessica, Rhod and Phil still to come,
plus one of the competitors will take home a load of stuff
that people want to touch. See you soon.
It's part four of Taskmaster,
it's series seven of Taskmaster,
and it's episode one of Taskmaster. Incredible.
Thanks, Greg. That's all great to know.
Before the break, our new and naive cast
were trying to guess the circumference of our caravan in baked beans.
Do you wanna see Jess all by herself again?
- Yeah, I do, please. - Oh, guys!
Hey, listen. We've got to isolate the weak ones.
It's what happens in nature.
OK, plenty of sympathetic "ahhs" in the post.
Here we go.
18, 19, 20, 21, 22...
55, 56, 57...
78... 78 times two is...
My maths is really bad.
So it's 156 here... times two...
Three... hundred... Is that how you do maths?
You've got 27 seconds.
Um, six hundred and...
eighty-nine.
It's nice to see your workings.
- Shall I go? - Thank you.
Do you always do your workings-out in bean juice?
In bean juice on a window.
Yes, please. Who needs a calculator?
"Yes, please. Not me." Not you.
I know it's early days...
are we the stupidest so far?
Why'd you say "we"?
Next up, Philip and Rhod... ney.
Rhodney.
Er, where's the tape measure?
This is ridiculous. It's...
Ugh, I... Look...
This is utterly ridiculous. Makes no sense at all.
There's not nearly enough beans in here!
This is just one can.
The circumference of the trailer is four cans of beans.
How many beans are there in a can?
Come on. I thought you might ask this. I really hoped you wouldn't.
The caravan's five hundred and... Where's the calculator?
I reckon there's about a hundred beans a can.
So I'm gonna say 400 beans.
510 inches, circumference of the caravan,
times 2.5 centimetres, equals 1,275.
It's 1,275 baked beans,
if the baked beans are placed lengthways.
If the baked bean is placed sideways on, double that.
Times two... 2,550 baked beans.
- I mean, I am fascinated, Phil. - Mm-hm.
You're a qualified engineer, right?
Yeah.
Were you also partly thinking,
"Everyone's gonna be so focused on my cock and balls,
they won't actually see what I'm doing."
Er, you... Very scientific method.
Yeah, I was allowed to use whatever was available...
- No, no! It's a straight compliment. - Thank you.
Did you think we were allowed to use calculators, when you were doing
- bean juice on a window? - Of course not, Kerry!
I was doing sums with my head!
Are you telling me you didn't use anything from the house in any of the tasks?
I see what you're saying.
It is such a bad omen that Rhod is the smart one.
Got a good point.
What is amazing is that Rhod measured the caravan
very quickly but very accurately.
You then measured the baked bean as one centimetres.
Yeah. Length.
The mean bean is actually 1.3 centimetres.
So we can have a look here on my bathtub.
So there are 76 beans in a metre,
which means, Rhod, that you went way over with your 1,275 beans.
I'm so sorry.
You came second to last 'cause you didn't take a mean bean measurement.
That's exactly what happened.
I think the bean I had was very, very average.
The trouble is, by the time you measured your bean, it was dry of juice.
And a baked bean is never dry of juice.
So you're saying...
Are you counting the juice on the ends as the length of a bean?
- You have to. - You have to.
You... I don't even think you believe this, Greg.
You know it! Look at your face! Look at your face!
Look at your face. Look at your face.
What is the bean circumference of the caravan?
The bean circumference of a caravan...
is 965 beans.
Lovely.
Which means Phil comes in last, then Rhod,
- with his 310 over-estimate. - Bollocks.
Then we have Jess, then James, then Kerry wins the task!
- Bang! - Whoa!
Total fluke!
That makes a mockery!
That makes a mockery of not just this episode of this series,
but the entire show.
Can we see the scoreboard before we go on to the final task, please?
Well, it is now between these two.
It's between Kerry and Rhod, so it's tasty.
- Somehow. - Kerry has 16, Rhod has 14.
- So it's tasty? - It's tasty.
OK, here we go. For the first time in this series, would you please
make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
You're all winners already.
Who's reading the task, Alex?
- Kerry has got the task. - Kerry.
"Make the best fruit display hat."
"You may not touch or tamper with your hat."
"Only the fruit picker-uppers may touch the fruit."
"You may only hold the fruit picker- uppers by their handles."
"Best fruit display hat wins."
"You have a hundred seconds."
Are there any questions?
What questions could there possibly be?
Are they normal seconds or they sort of slightly longer than usual ones?
OK, do you all understand?
You may only hold the picker- uppers by the handles,
and only the picker-uppers may touch the fruit.
You've got 100 seconds, starting...
Let's make hats.
- Shall we collaborate? - There's no way...
- We have to collaborate. - Yeah, sure.
That's how you do it.
This is broken. It's jammed, it's jammed!
- Come on, Kez! - Sorry, I'm hooked into the grapes.
It's not working!
- You alright, James? - They're not working! They don't work!
- James, that's working. - That is working, yeah.
- That's not working! - That's working.
Yes.
- You going for the pineapple? - This is good. This is good.
Here come the bananas.
This is what we went to university for.
- Did you go to uni, Kez? - Do you think we should...
In team-building...
Get off my fruit, Acaster!
Five, four, three, two, one...
Please put your picker-uppers down!
Happy, Greg?
I'll have a bit of a think while we bring everyone down and add it all up
and see how it's affected the whole show, shall we?
- OK, then. - Come on down!
Right, this is what I've decided.
People should be rewarded according to
the luxurious variety of the fruit
- on their hat. - On their own hat.
Their own hats.
- So... - Subsequently...
Oh, come on.
Obviously, James crashes into last place, but...
- I'll tell you this. - OK?
Seeing him scrabbling around on the floor,
seeing his desperate cries,
there was something heartwarming about that.
Subsequently, I've decided to award you two points.
- Congratulations. - That means a lot. Thank you.
Jess, three points.
Kerry and Phil, joint four points.
I'm basing this on the variety of fruit.
- Equal displays. - Yes.
Yes, that's correct.
- And Rhod Gilbert, against all odds, - You're welcome.
collects five points for the most rich fruit hat.
Rhod Gilbert wins the task.
- Which means? - Final scores, well...
They've all reached double figures, some more than others.
James has 11, but in the lead...
Rhod has 19,
- Kerry has 20! - What?!
Kerry Godliman has won the first episode of the series.
Go and touch your untouchable things!
What have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you're looking to build your own home,
don't take advice from James.
Or Jessica, or Kerry.
Or Phil, or Rhod. Don't take advice from any of them.
But most importantly, Kerry Godliman is the winner of the first show.
What an impressive human being she is.
Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time.