[♪ "San" by Paul Whiteman & his orchestra]
[♪ UPBEAT JAZZ]
[WAVES LAP GENTLY]
[♪ WALTZ PLAYS IN DISTANCE]
Elli?
– Elli dear, do come out. It's so lovely. – Just a minute.
[SEAGULLS CRY]
– Not so bad. – It's heavenly!
Look at the lights of that yacht reflected in the water.
– Oh, dear, I'm so happy. – Are you?
– Aren't you? – Of course I am. Tremendously happy.
Just to think, here we are, you and I – married!
– Yes, things have come to a pretty pass. – Don't laugh at me!
You mustn't be blasé about honeymoons, just because this is your second.
– Well, that's silly. – Have I annoyed you by saying that?
– Just a little. – Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
Kiss me.
There.
Not so very enthusiastic.
– That better? – Three times, please. I'm superstitious.
You really are very sweet.
– Are you glad you married me? – Of course I am.
– How glad? – Incredibly, magnificently glad.
How lovely.
– We ought to go in and dress. – Gladder than before?
Why do you keep harping on that?
It's in my mind, and yours too, I expect.
– It isn't anything of the sort. – She was pretty, wasn't she? Amanda?
– Very. – Prettier than I am?
– Much. – Elyot!
She was pretty and sleek and her hands were long and slim,
and her legs were long and slim, and she danced like an angel!
You dance very poorly, by the way. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Could she play the piano as well as I can?
– She couldn't play the piano at all. – A-ha!
– Had she my talent for organisation? – No, but she hadn't your mother either.
– I don't believe you like Mother. – Like her? I can't bear her.
– Elyot! She's a darling underneath. – I never got underneath.
(LAUGHTER)
It makes me unhappy to think you don't like Mother.
Nonsense. I believe the only reason you married me was to get away from her.
– I married you because I loved you. – Oh dear, oh dear.
I love you far more than Amanda loved you. I'd never make you miserable like she did.
– We made each other miserable. – It was all her fault, you know it was.
Yes, it was. Entirely her fault.
– She was a fool to lose you. – We lost each other.
She lost you, with her violent tempers and carryings-on.
– Will you stop talking about Amanda? – But I'm very glad.
Because if she hadn't been uncontrolled and wicked and unfaithful,
– we shouldn't be here now. – She wasn't unfaithful.
How do you know? I bet she was.
I bet she was unfaithful every five minutes.
It would take a far more concentrated woman than Amanda
to be unfaithful every five minutes. (LAUGHTER)
– You do hate her, don't you? – No, I don't hate her.
– I think I despise her. – That's much worse.
– And yet I'm sorry for her. – Why?
She's marked for tragedy, she's bound to make a mess of everything.
If it's all her fault, I don't see that it matters much.
She has some very good qualities.
Considering what a hell she made of your life,
I think you are very nice about her. Most men would be vindictive.
What's the use of that? It's all over now. It was such a long time ago.
– Five years isn't very long. – Yes, it is.
– Do you think you could love her again? – Now, Sibyl...
– But could you? – Of course not, I love you.
Yes, but you love me differently, I know that.
– More wisely, perhaps. – I'm glad.
– I'd rather have that sort of love. – You're right.
Love is no use unless it is wise and gentle and undramatic.
Something steady and sweet, to smooth your nerves when you're tired.
Something tremendously cosy and unflurried by scenes and jealousies.
That's what I want – what I've always wanted really.
Oh, my dear, I do hope it's not going to be dull for you.
Sweetheart, as though you could ever be dull.
– I'm much older than you. – Not so very much.
Seven years! Huh!
The music has stopped now and you can hear the sea.
– We'll bathe tomorrow morning. – I mustn't get sunburnt.
– Why not? – I hate it on women.
Very well, then, you shan't. I hope you don't hate it on men.
Of course I don't! It's suitable to men.
You're a completely feminine little creature, aren't you?
– "Everything in its place." – What do you mean?
If you feel you'd like me to smoke a pipe, I'll try and master it.
I like a man to be a man, if that's what you mean.
Are you going to manage me and understand me?
– I'm going to try to understand you. – Run me without my knowing it?
– I think you're being a little unkind. – I don't mean to be.
– I was just wondering. – Well?
I was wondering what was going on in that mind, what your plans are, really.
Plans? Oh, Elli!
Apart from loving me and all that, you must have plans.
I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.
It must be subconscious then –
age-old instincts working away deep down,
mincing up little bits of experience for future use,
watching me carefully like a little sharp-eyed, blonde kitten.
– How can you be so horrid? – I said kitten, not cat.
– Kittens grow into cats. – Let that be a warning to you.
What's the matter? Darling, are you hungry?
Not a bit.
You're very strange all of a sudden, and rather cruel.
Just because I'm feminine, it doesn't mean that I'm crafty and calculating.
I didn't say you were either of those.
I hate these half-masculine women that go banging about.
I hate anybody who goes banging about.
I should think you needed a little quiet womanliness after Amanda.
– Why will you keep talking about her? – It's natural enough, isn't it?
– What do you want to find out? – Why did you really let her divorce you?
She divorced me for cruelty and flagrant infidelity.
I spent a whole weekend at Brighton with a lady called Vera Williams.
She had the nastiest-looking hairbrush I have ever seen.
(LAUGHTER)
Misplaced chivalry, I call it. Why didn't you divorce her?
"It would not have been the actions of a gentleman," whatever that may mean.
– I think she got off very lightly. – Will you stop talking about her?
I do not wish to see her again or hear her name mentioned.
– Very well, darling. – Is that understood?
Yes, dear.
Where did you spend your honeymoon?
– St Moritz. Be quiet. – I hate St Moritz.
– So do I, bitterly. – Was she good on skis?
Do you want to dine downstairs here or at the casino?
I love you, I love you, I love you.
– Good, let's go in and dress. – Kiss me first.
– Casino? – Yes. Are you a gambler?
– You never told me. – Every now and then.
I shall sit behind your chair and bring you luck.
That'll be fatal!
[♪ ORCHESTRA PLAYS IN DISTANCE]
– Mandy? – What?
Come outside! The view's wonderful.
I'm still damp from the bath. Wait a minute.
I shall catch pneumonia, that's what I shall catch.
[HE LAUGHS]
– God! – I beg your pardon?
You look wonderful, like a beautiful advertisement for something.
Nothing peculiar, I hope. [BOTH LAUGH]
I can hardly believe it's true. You and I, here alone together, married!
That stuff's very rough.
– Don't you like it? – It's a bit hearty, isn't it?
– Do you love me? – Of course! That's why I'm here.
– More than you loved...? – None of that.
But do you love me more than you loved Elyot?
I don't remember. It was such a long time ago.
– Not so very long. – All my life ago.
– I'd like to break his damned neck! – Why?
– For making you unhappy. – It was mutual.
– It was all his fault, you know it was. – Yes, it was, now I come to think of it.
– Swine! – Don't be so vehement, darling.
– I'll never treat you like that. – That's right.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I love you too much.
– So did he. – Fine sort of love that is.
– He struck you once, didn't he? – More than once.
– Where? – Several places. I struck him, too.
Once, I broke four gramophone records over his head. It was very satisfying.
You must have been driven to distraction.
Yes, I was, but don't let's talk about it, please.
After all, it's a dreary subject for our honeymoon night.
He didn't know when he was well off.
Look at the lights of that yacht reflected in the water. I wonder whose it is.
– We must bathe tomorrow. – Yes. I want to get a nice sunburn.
– Mandy! – What's the matter?
– I hate sunburnt women. – Why?
– It's somehow, well...unsuitable. – It's awfully suitable to me, darling.
– Of course, if you really want to... – I'm absolutely determined.
I've got masses of lovely oil to rub all over myself.
– Your skin is so beautiful as it is. – Wait and see.
When I'm done a nice crisp brown, you'll fall in love with me all over again.
I couldn't love you more than I do now.
Oh, dear. I did so hope our honeymoon was going to be progressive.
[LAUGHING] Where did you spend the last one?
– Victor! – No, I want to know.
St Moritz. It was very attractive.
– I hate St Moritz. – So do I.
Did he start quarrelling with you right away?
Within the first few days. I put it down to the high altitude.
– And you loved him? You poor child! – Yes, Victor.
– You must try not to be pompous, dear. – Mandy!
I don't believe I'm a bit like how you think I am.
– How do you mean? – I was never a poor child.
[CHUCKLES] It's a figure of speech, dear.
I suffered a great deal and had my heart broken,
but it wasn't an innocent girlish heart, it was jagged with sophistication.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I've always been sophisticated, far too knowing.
That caused many of my rows with Elyot.
I irritated him because he knew I could see through him.
I don't mind how much you see through me.
Sweet!
– I'm going to make you happy. – Are you?
Just by looking after you, seeing that you're all right, you know?
No, I don't know.
I think you love me quite differently from the way you loved Elyot.
– Do stop harping on Elyot. – It's true, though, isn't it?
I love you much more calmly, if that's what you mean.
More lastingly?
I...I expect so.
– Do you remember when I first met you? – Yes. Distinctly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– At Marion Vale's party. – Yes.
– Wasn't it wonderful? – Not really, dear.
It was only redeemed from the completely commonplace
– by the fact of my having hiccoughs. – I never noticed them.
– Love at first sight. – [LAUGHS HEARTILY]
– Where did you first meet Elyot? – To hell with Elyot!
I forbid you to mention his name again. I'm sick of the sound of it.
You must be raving mad.
Here we are on the first night of our honeymoon,
with the moon coming up and the music playing
and all you can do is talk about my first husband, it's downright sacrilegious.
– Don't be angry. – It's very annoying.
Will you forgive me?
– Yes, only don't do it again. – I promise.
You'd better dress. You haven't bathed yet.
Where shall we dine, here or at the Casino?
– The casino is more fun, I think. – We can play boules afterwards.
– No, we can't, dear. – Don't you like dear old boules?
No, I hate dear old boules. We can play a nice game of chemin de fer.
– Not at a big table? – Maybe at the biggest table.
You're not a terrible gambler, are you?
– Inveterate. Chance rules my life. – What nonsense!
It was chance meeting you. It was chance falling in love!
It's chance that we're here, particularly after your driving.
Everything that happens is chance.
I'm rather scared of you at close quarters.
– That promises to be very embarrassing. – You're somehow different now.
You're wilder than I thought you were, more strained.
Wilder? Victor, I've never felt less wild in my life.
A little strained, I grant you, but that's the newly married atmosphere.
One can't expect anything else.
Honeymooning is a very overrated amusement.
You say that because you had a ghastly experience before.
– There you go again! – It must have embittered you a little.
The honeymoon wasn't so ghastly. It was afterwards that was so awful.
I intend to make you forget it all entirely.
You won't succeed by making constant references to it.
– I wish I knew you better. – It's just as well you don't.
The woman, in italics, should always retain
a certain amount of alluring feminine mystery for the man – also in italics.
What about the man? Isn't he allowed to have any mystery?
– Absolutely none. Transparent as glass. – Oh, I see.
Never mind, darling, it doesn't necessarily work out like that,
– It's only supposed to. – Well, I'm glad I'm normal.
What an odd thing to be glad about. Why?
– Well, aren't you? – I'm not sure I am normal.
Oh, Mandy, of course you are! You're sweetly, divinely normal.
I haven't a peculiar craving for Chinamen or old boots, if that's what you mean.
I think very few people are completely normal, deep down in their private lives.
It all depends on a combination of circumstances.
If all the various cosmic thingummies fuse at the same moment
and the right spark is struck, there's no knowing what one mightn't do.
That was the trouble with Elyot and me,
we were like two violent acids bubbling about in a nasty matrimonial bottle.
I don't believe you're nearly as complex as you think you are.
I don't think I'm particularly complex, but I know I'm unreliable.
God, you're frightening me horribly. In what way unreliable?
– Apt to see things the wrong way round. – What sort of things?
Morals – what one should do, what one shouldn't.
[SHE LAUGHS]
– Mandy, you're so sweet. – Thank you, Victor.
That's most encouraging. You'd better bathe now. You haven't dressed yet.
No, no, no, no. Kiss me.
There, hurry. I've just got to slip my dress on and I shall be ready.
– Give me ten minutes. – I'll bring the cocktails out here.
– [LAUGHING] All right! – Run along now, hurry.
[SHE LAUGHS]
ELYOT: Sibyl? SIBYL: Yes.
I've brought the cocktails out here.
– Hurry up. – I can't find my lipstick.
Never mind. Send down to the kitchen for some cochineal.
– [LAUGHING] Don't be so silly! – Hurry up!
[♪ ORCHESTRA PLAYS ROMANTIC MELODY IN DISTANCE]
[♪ "Someday I'll Find You"]
[CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLES ALONG TO TUNE]
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
[SHE WHISTLES]
(LAUGHTER)
AMANDA: Thoughtful of them to play that, wasn't it?
– What are you doing here? – I'm on honeymoon!
How interesting! So am I.
I hope you're enjoying it.
– It hasn't started yet. – Neither has mine.
Oh, my God!
I can't help feeling it's a little unfortunate.
– Are you happy? – Perfectly.
– Good. That's all right then, isn't it? – Are you?
– Ecstatically. – Delighted to hear it.
We shall probably meet again some time.
– Au revoir! – Goodbye.
Cocktail, please!
Oh, my God!
– Elli, what's the matter? – I feel very odd.
– Odd, what do you mean? Ill? – Yes, ill.
– We must leave at once! – Leave?
Yes, dear. Leave instantly! I have a strange foreboding.
– You must be mad. – Darling!
I want you to be very sweet and understanding
and not be upset or ask any questions or anything.
I have an absolute conviction that our whole future happiness
– depends upon our leaving here instantly. – Why?
– I can't tell you why. – But we've only just come.
– I know that, but it can't be helped. – What has happened?
– Nothing has happened. – You've gone out of your mind.
I haven't gone out of my mind, but I shall if we stay here another hour.
– You're not drunk, are you? – Of course I'm not drunk.
– What time have I had to get drunk? – Come down and have dinner, darling.
– Then you'll feel ever so much better. – It's no use humouring me. I'm serious.
Darling, please be reasonable. We've only just arrived.
Everything's unpacked. It's our first night together. We can't go away now.
We can have our first night together in Paris.
We shouldn't get there until the small hours.
Sybil, please, I know this sounds crazy and utterly lacking in reason or sense,
but I have second sight over certain things.
I'm almost psychic.
I have the most extraordinary sensation of impending disaster.
If we stay here something appalling will happen. I know it.
– [LIGHTLY] Hysterical nonsense! – This is not hysterical nonsense.
Presentiments are far from nonsense.
That woman cancelled her passage on the Titanic because of a presentiment.
– I don't see what that has to do with it. – It has everything to do with it.
She obeyed her instincts, that's what she did, and it saved her life.
All I'm asking is to be allowed to obey my instincts.
There's going to be an earthquake or something?
Very possibly! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Very possibly indeed, or perhaps a violent explosion.
They don't have earthquakes in France.
On the contrary! Only last week they felt a distinct shock in Antibes.
– But that's in the south, where it's hot. – Don't quibble, Sibyl.
And as for explosions, there's nothing here that can explode.
Oh, isn't there? Darling, bear with me! I beseech you, bear with me!
I don't understand. It's horrid of you to do this.
I'm not doing anything. I'm only imploring you, to come away from this place.
– But I love it here! – Thousands of other places are far nicer.
It's a pity we didn't go to one of them. Why are you behaving like this?
– Why, why, why? – Don't ask why. Just give in to me.
I swear I will never ask you to give in to me over anything again.
I won't think of going tonight. It's utterly ridiculous.
I've done quite enough travelling for one day, and I'm tired.
– You're as obstinate as a mule. – I like that, I must say(!)
You've got your nasty little feet dug into the ground.
– You don't intend to budge an inch! – No, I do not.
If there's one thing that infuriates me, it's sheer wanton stubbornness.
I should like to cut off your head with a meat axe.
How dare you talk to me like that on our honeymoon night?
– Damn our honeymoon night! – [WAILS]
No, don't cry. Will you or will you not come with me to Paris?
I've never been so miserable in my life!
You're hateful and beastly.
Mother was perfectly right.
– She said you had shifty eyes. – Well, she can't talk!
Hers are so close together, you couldn't put a needle between them.
You don't love me a little bit. I wish I were dead!
Will you or will you not come to Paris?
– No, no, I won't. – Oh, my God!
Oh, Elli, Elli, Elli...
VICTOR: You were right that you aren't normal. You're behaving like a lunatic.
– All I've done is ask a little favour. – Little favour indeed!
If we left now we could be in Paris in a few hours.
If we crossed Siberia by train
we could be in China in a fortnight, but I don't see any reason to do it.
– Victor darling, please be sensible! – Sensible?
Yes, sensible. I shall be absolutely miserable if I stay here.
You don't want me to be absolutely miserable all through my honeymoon?
But why on earth didn't you think of your sister's tragedy before?
I forgot.
– You couldn't forget a thing like that. – I got the places muddled.
When I saw the casino there in the moonlight, it all came back to me.
– When did this happen? – Years ago.
But it might as well have been yesterday!
I can see her now, lying dead, with that dreadful expression on her face.
Then the awful business of taking the body to England. It was perfectly horrible.
– I never knew you had a sister. – I haven't any more!
– No, there's something behind all this. – What could there be behind it?
– For one thing, I know you're lying. – Victor!
– Be honest! – I can't think how you can be so mean!
– You're lying, Amanda. Aren't you? – Yes, Victor.
– You never had a sister, dead or alive? – There was a stillborn one in 1912.
– What is your reason for all this? – I told you I was unreliable.
– Why do you want to leave so badly? – You'll be angry if I tell you the truth.
– What is it? Please tell me. – I warn you.
– Elyot's here. I saw him. – When?
– When you were in the bath. – Where was he?
– Down there, in a white suit. – A white suit?
– It's summer, isn't it? – You're lying again.
– He's here. I swear he is. – Well, what of it?
I can't enjoy my honeymoon with you, with Elyot liable to bounce in at any moment.
– Mandy! – Can't you see how awful it is?
It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me!
– Well, did he see you? – N-no, he was running.
– What was he running for? – How do I know? Don't be so annoying.
As long as he didn't see you it's all right.
– We must leave immediately. – But why?
– How can you be so appalling? – Well, I'm not afraid of him!
Neither am I.
It's not a question of being afraid. It's just the most horrible awkward situation.
I can't see why our honeymoon should be upset by Elyot.
My last one was.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– I don't believe he's here at all. – I saw him!
– It was probably an optical illusion. – It was no such thing.
I absolutely refuse to change our plans because you think you've seen Elyot.
It's unreasonable and ridiculous to demand it.
If he is here, I can't see that it matters.
He'll probably feel much more embarrassed, and a damned good job too.
And if he annoys you in any way I'll knock him down.
– That would be charming(!) – Don't let's talk about it any more.
Do you mean you seriously imagine this can be glossed over as easily as that?
I'm not going to leave.
If I start giving into you as early as this, our lives will be unbearable.
You have worked yourself up into a state over a situation
– which only exists in your mind. – Please, Victor, please!
I implore you for the last time. Let's go to Paris now, tonight.
– I mean it with all my heart, please... – No, Mandy!
I see quite clearly I was foolish enough
to marry a fat old gentleman in a club armchair.
– It's no use being cross. – Pompous ass!
– Mandy! – Pompous ass, that's what I said!
– Blown out with your own importance. – Mandy, control yourself.
Get away from me! I can't bear to think that I married such rugged grandeur.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– I shall be in the bar. – Go away!
– When you're ready to dine, let me know. – Go away!
ELYOT: If you don't stop screaming, I'll murder you.
SIBYL: I wish to heaven I'd never seen you, let alone married you.
I don't wonder Amanda left you, if you behaved to her as you've behaved to me.
I'm going down to have dinner by myself and you can do what you like about it.
– Do, and I hope it chokes you. – [SOBBING] Oh, Elli, Elli...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
AMANDA: Give me one, for God's sake.
Here!
– I'm in such a rage. – So am I.
– What are we to do? – I don't know.
Whose yacht is that?
The Duke of Westminster's, I expect. It always is.
– I wish I were on it. – I wish you were, too.
– There's no need to be nasty. – Yes, there is, every need.
I've never felt a greater urge to be nasty.
And you've had some urges in your time, haven't you?
If you start bickering with me, Amanda, I swear I will throw you over the edge.
– Try it, that's all. Just try it. – You've upset everything, as usual.
I've upset everything? What about you?
Since the first moment I was unlucky enough to set eyes on you
– my life has been insupportable. – There's no sense in going on like that.
Nothing's any use. There's no escape, ever.
Don't be melodramatic.
[♪ ORCHESTRA PLAYS IN DISTANCE]
Do you want a cocktail? There are two here.
There are two over here as well.
We'll have my two first.
– Shall we get roaring screaming drunk? – I don't think that would help.
We did it once before and it was a dismal failure.
It was lovely at the beginning.
[ELYOT CHUCKLES]
You have an immoral memory, Amanda.
Here's to you.
I tried to get away the moment after I saw you, but he wouldn't budge.
– What's his name? – Victor. Victor Prynne.
Mr and Mrs Victor Prynne!
– Mine wouldn't budge either. – What's her name?
Sibyl.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Mr and Mrs Elyot Chase. God pity the poor girl.
– Are you in love with him? – Of course.
– How funny. – I don't see anything funny about it.
– You're in love with yours, aren't you? – Certainly.
– There you are, then. – There we both are, then.
What's she like?
Fair, very pretty, plays the piano beautifully.
– Very comforting. – How's yours?
– I don't want to discuss him. – Well, never mind.
He'll probably come popping out in a minute and I shall see for myself.
Does he know that I'm here?
– Yes. I told him. – That's going to make things easier(!)
You needn't be frightened. He won't hurt you.
If he comes near me I shall scream the place down.
– Does Sibyl know I'm here? – No.
I pretended I'd had a presentiment.
I tried terribly hard to persuade her to leave for Paris.
I tried too! It's lucky we didn't both succeed, isn't it?
Otherwise we should all have joined up in Rouen or somewhere.
– In some frowsy little hotel. – It could have been much, much worse!
I can see us all sailing down in the morning for an early start.
[BOTH LAUGH]
– What's happened to yours? – Didn't you hear her screaming?
She's downstairs in the dining-room, I think.
Mine is being grand, in the bar.
Oh, it really is awfully difficult.
– Have you known her long? – About four months.
We met in a house party in Norfolk.
Very flat, Norfolk.
I shall reserve my opinion of your choice until I've met dear Victor.
Don't call him "dear Victor". It's extremely irritating.
That's how I see him – dumpy and fair and very considerate, with glasses.
– "Dear Victor." – As I said, I'd rather not discuss him.
At least I have the good taste to refrain from making cheap gibes at Sibyl.
– You said Norfolk was flat. – That's no reflection on her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Unless she made it flatter.
Your voice takes on an acid quality whenever you mention her name.
– I'll never mention it again. – Good!
– And I'll keep off Victor. – Thank you.
[♪ "Someday I'll Find You"]
That orchestra has a remarkably small repertoire.
They don't seem to know anything but this, do they?
No!
Strange how potent cheap music is!
I'm awfully sorry about this. I wouldn't have had it happen for the world.
I know. I'm sorry, too. It's just rotten luck.
I'll go away tomorrow, whatever happens. So don't you worry.
That's nice of you.
Well, I...hope everything turns out well for you,
and...that you're very happy.
[FORMALLY] Thank you very much. The same for you, too.
[♪ TUNE CONTINUES]
– Nasty insistent little tune. – Yes, isn't it?
What exactly were you remembering at that moment?
The Hotel Palace skating rink in the morning,
and everybody whirling around us in vivid colours,
and you kneeling down to put on my skates for me.
You'd fallen on your fanny a minute before!
Beastly of you to laugh like that! I felt so humiliated.
[FONDLY] Poor darling.
Do you remember waking up in the morning,
standing on the balcony, looking out across the valley?
Blue shadows on white snow.
Cleanness beyond belief, high above everything in the world.
How beautiful it was.
It's nice to think we had a few marvellous moments.
A few? We had heaps really.
Only they slip away into the background and one only remembers the bad ones.
What fools we were to ruin it all.
– What utter, utter fools. – You feel that way too, do you?
– Of course. – Why did we?
– The whole business was too much for us. – We were so ridiculously over in love.
– Funny, wasn't it? – Horribly funny.
Selfishness, cruelty,
hatred, possessiveness, petty jealousies.
All those qualities came out in us just because we loved each other.
– Perhaps they were there, anyhow. – No, it's love that does it.
– To hell with love! – To hell with love.
And yet, here we are starting afresh with two quite different people.
In love all over again!
Aren't we?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– Aren't we, Elyot? – No.
We're not in love all over again, and you know it.
– Good night, Amanda. – Elyot, don't be silly, come back.
I must go and find Sybil.
I must go and find Victor.
ELYOT: Well, why don't you? AMANDA: I don't want to.
It's shameful of us! Shameful!
Don't, I feel terrible. Don't leave me for a minute. I shall go mad if you do.
We won't talk about ourselves any more. We'll talk about outside things.
Anything you like, only please don't leave me until I've pulled myself together.
Very well.
Er...
What have you been doing lately, during these past years?
Travelling about. I went around the world, you know, after...
No, no, I know. How was it?
– The world? – Yes.
Highly enjoyable.
China must be very interesting.
– Very big, China. – And Japan?
Very small.
Did you eat shark fins, take off your shoes off, use chopsticks and everything?
– Practically everything. – And India?
The burning ghars, or ghats, or whatever they are, and the Taj Mahal.
How was the Taj Mahal?
Unbelievable.
– A sort of dream. – That was the moonlight, I expect.
– You must have seen it in the moonlight. – Yes.
Moonlight is cruelly deceptive.
It didn't look like a biscuit box? I always felt that it might.
– Darling... – I do hope you met a sacred elephant.
– They're lint white, I believe... – Darling, I love you so.
– Elyot, you mustn't. Stop! – I've never loved anyone else.
You love me, too, don't you?
There's no doubt anywhere, is there?
[VOICE BREAKING] No. No doubt.
You're looking very lovely, you know, in this damned moonlight.
Your skin is clear and cool and your eyes are shining
and you're growing lovelier and lovelier every second as I look at you.
You hold no mystery for me, darling.
Do you mind?
There isn't a particle of you that I don't know, remember and want!
– I'm glad, my sweet. – More than any desire anywhere.
Deep in my deepest heart I want you back again...
Don't say any more, you're making me cry so terribly!
AMANDA: What now? Oh, darling, what now? ELYOT: I don't know, I'm lost, utterly.
We must think, quickly, quickly.
– Escape? – Together?
– Yes, of course. – We can't. You know we can't.
– It would break Victor's heart. – And Sibyl's too probably.
That can't be helped. Think of the hell we'd lead them into if we stayed.
Pretending to love them and loving each other.
– We must call them and tell them. – Oh, no, we can't. It's impossible.
– It's honest. – I don't care how honest it is.
It's too horrible to think of. How should we start? What should we say?
We should have to trust to the inspiration of the moment.
It would be a moment completely devoid of inspiration.
– The most appalling moment imaginable. – What do you propose?
– They might come in at any moment. – We must decide instantly!
Either go away together now, or stay with them and never see each another again.
– Don't be silly, what choice is there? – No choice whatsoever! Come on!
Wait! This is raving madness. Something's happened to us.
– We're not sane. – We never were.
– Where shall we go? – Paris first. My car's in the garage!
– They'll follow us. - That doesn't matter.
I've got a flat in Paris, in the Avenue Montaigne.
I let it to Freda Lawson, but she's in Biarritz.
– Does Victor know? – No. He knows I have one.
– He hasn't the faintest idea where. – Better and better.
We're being so bad, so terribly bad.
– We'll suffer for this, I know we shall. – It can't be helped.
Starting all those awful rows all over again.
– No, no, we're older and wiser now. – What difference does that make?
The minute either of us gets nervy, off we'll go again.
– Stop shilly-shallying! – I'm trying to be sensible.
– You're being completely idiotic. – Idiotic indeed! What about you?
– For God's sake, Amanda! – Oh, my God!
No. I didn't mean it.
I won't move from here unless we have a sacred compact
– never to quarrel again. – Easy to make, difficult to keep.
It's the bickering that always starts it.
The moment we notice we're bickering, either of us,
we must promise on our honour to stop dead.
We'll invent a phrase, a catchword, which when either of us says it,
automatically cuts off all conversation for at least five minutes.
Two minutes, with an option of renewal.
(LAUGHTER)
Very well, what shall it be? Um...
Solomon Isaacs.
– All right, that'll do. – Come on, come on.
Agh! What happens if we meet either of them downstairs?
– Run like stags. – What about clothes?
– I've got bags I haven't unpacked. – I've got a small trunk.
– Send the porter up for it. – This is terrible, terrible!
– Oughtn't we to leave notes? – No. We'll telegraph from somewhere.
Darling, I daren't...
– Now will you behave? – Yes, but...
– Solomon Isaacs! – Oh, my God!
(APPLAUSE)
VICTOR: Mandy?
SYBIL: Elli?
– Mandy? Mandy? – Elli? Elli?
– Good evening. – Good evening.
I was... looking for my husband.
Really? That's funny. I was looking for my wife.
– Quite a coincidence. – [HE CHUCKLES]
[SHE SOBS QUIETLY]
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
[SHE CRIES OPENLY]
It's very nice here, isn't it?
[STILL CRYING] It's lovely.
– H-have you been here long? – No! We only arrived today.
Another coincidence! So did we!
How awfully funny.
[HE LAUGHS]
Would you care for a cocktail?
– No, I really mustn't... – There are two here on the table.
– Thanks very much, I'd love one. – Good. Here you are.
Thank you.
To absent friends.
[SOBBING] To absent friends.
[CRIES]
[WAVES LAP GENTLY]
SYBIL: It's awfully pretty here, isn't it?
The moonlight and the lights of that yacht reflected in the water.
[SHE SOBS]
I wonder who it belongs to.
[SOBBING]
[♪ "Someday I'll Find You"]
(APPLAUSE)
[♪ UPBEAT JAZZ]
AMANDA: I'm glad we let Louise go.
– I'm afraid she's going to have a cold. – Going to have a cold?
She's been grunting and snorting all evening like a herd of bison.
"Bison" never sounds right to me somehow. I have a feeling it ought to be "bisons".
– "A flock of bisons". – One might say "a covey of bisons".
– Or even "a school of bisons". – Oh, yes, lovely.
"The Royal London School of Bisons".
– Do you think Louise is happy at home? – No! Profoundly miserable.
– Family beastly to her? – Absolutely vile.
Knock her about dreadfully, I expect, make her eat the most disgusting food!
– And pull her fringe. – Oh, poor Louise.
– Well, you know what the French are. – Yes, indeed.
– I know what the Hungarians are, too. – What are they?
Very wistful. It's all those pretzels, I shouldn't wonder.
Have you ever crossed the Sahara on a camel?
Frequently. When I was a boy we used to do it all the time.
My grandmother had a lovely seat on a camel.
There's no doubt about it – foreign travel is the thing.
– Would you like some brandy? – Mm, just a little.
[ELYOT GROANS] I'm glad we didn't go out tonight.
– Or last night. – Or the night before.
[BOTH LAUGH]
There's no reason to, really, when we're so cosy here.
Exactly.
– Ah, it's nice, isn't it? – Mm!
Strangely peaceful. It's an awfully bad reflection on our characters.
We ought to be absolutely tortured with conscience.
– We are, every now and then. – Not nearly enough.
We sent Victor and Sibyl a nice note, what more do they want?
You're even more ruthless than I am.
I don't believe in crying over my bridge before I've eaten it.
Very sensible.
Personally, I feel grateful for a miraculous escape.
I know that I should never have been happy with Victor.
– I was a fool ever to consider it. – You did a little more than consider it.
– You can't talk! – I wonder if they've met each other.
– Or whether they've been suffering alone. – Dear, let's not go on about it.
It really makes one feel rather awful.
I suppose one or other or both of them will turn up here eventually.
– Bound to! Won't be very nice, will it? – Perfectly horrible!
Do you realise we're living in sin?
Not according to Catholics! Catholics don't recognise divorce.
– But we're not Catholics. – Well, never mind.
It's nice to think they'd sort of back us up.
We were married in the eyes of heaven and we still are.
We may be all right in the eyes of heaven, but we're in a hell of a mess socially.
Oh, who cares? Ha!
Are we going to marry again, after Victor and Sibyl divorce us?
Why, I expect so. What do you think?
– I feel rather scared of marriage really. – It is a frowsy business.
I believe it was just the fact of our being married
and clamped together publicly, that wrecked us before.
And not knowing how to manage each other.
Do you think we know how to manage each other now?
This past week has been very successful. We've hardly used Solomon Isaacs at all.
Solomon Isaacs is so long! Let's shorten it to...
Sollocks. [SHE LAUGHS]
– All right. – Darling!
You do look awfully sweet in your little dressing-gown.
It is pretty ravishing, isn't it?
Do you mind if I come round and kiss you?
A pleasure, Lady Agatha.
What fools we were to subject ourselves to five years' unnecessary suffering.
Perhaps it wasn't unnecessary.
Perhaps it's mellowed and perfected us like beautiful ripe fruit.
When we were together, did you honestly think I was unfaithful to you?
– Yes! Practically every day! – I thought you were, too!
I tortured myself with visions of you
bouncing about on divans with awful widows.
[HE LAUGHS]
Why widows?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I was thinking of Claire Lavenham really.
Oh. Claire!
What? Why did you say, "Oh, Claire" like that?
– It sounded far too careless to me. – What a lovely creature she was.
Lovely, lovely, lovely(!)
– Darling! – Did you have an affair with her?
– Afterwards, I mean? – Why do you want to know?
– Curiosity, I suppose. – Dangerous!
Oh, not now, not dangerous now.
I wouldn't expect you to have been celibate during those five years,
– any more than I was. – What?
After all, Claire was undeniably attractive.
A trifle over-vivacious, I always thought,
but that's probably because she's fundamentally stupid.
What did you mean about not being celibate during those five years?
Hm... What do you think I mean?
– Oh, God! – What's the matter?
– You know perfectly well. – Don't be unreasonable, Elyot.
I was only trying to stamp out the memory of you.
I expect your affairs well outnumbered mine anyhow.
That's a little different. I'm a man.
Excuse me a moment while I get a caraway biscuit and change my crinoline(!)
It doesn't suit women to be promiscuous.
It doesn't suit men for women to be promiscuous.
Very modern, dear! Really, your advanced views quite startle me(!)
[LAUGHING] Don't be cross, Elyot.
I haven't been so dreadfully loose actually.
Five years is a long time, even if I did nip off with someone every now and again,
– they were none of them very serious. – Do stop it, please!
– Well, what about you? – Do you want me to tell you?
No, no!
I was madly in love with a woman in South Africa.
– Did she have a ring through her nose? – Don't be revolting.
AMANDA: We're tormenting each other.
Sit down, sweet, I'm scared.
We should have said Sollocks ages ago.
We're in love all right.
Don't say it so bitterly.
We must try and get the best out of it this time, instead of the worst.
– Hand, please. – Here.
– More comfortable? – Much more.
Are you engaged for this dance?
Funnily enough I was, but my partner was suddenly taken ill.
– It's this damned smallpox epidemic. – As a matter of fact, kidney trouble.
– You'll dance it with me, I hope? – I shall be charmed.
[♪ "San" by Paul Whiteman & his orchestra]
– Quite a nice floor, isn't it? – I think it needs a little borax.
Oh, I love borax!
Is that the Grand Duchess Olga lying under the piano?
Yes, her husband died a few weeks ago, on his way from Pulborough. So sad.
What on earth was he doing in Pulborough?
Nobody knows exactly, but there have been the usual stories.
I see.
Delightful parties Lady Bundle always gives, doesn't she?
– Entrancing. She is such a dear old lady. – And so gay.
Did you notice her at supper blowing all those shrimps through her ear trumpet?
[MUSIC STOPS] What are you thinking about?
– Nothing in particular. – Come on, I know that face.
– Poor Sibyl. – Sibyl?
– I suppose she loves you terribly. – Not as much as all that.
She didn't have a chance to get really under way.
I expect she's dreadfully unhappy.
Oh, do shut up, Amanda. We've had all this out before.
We've certainly been busy trying to justify ourselves.
It isn't a question of justifying ourselves.
It's the true values of the situation that are really important.
The moment we saw each other again we knew there was no use going on.
We knew it instantly, although we tried to pretend to ourselves that we didn't.
We've got to be grateful that we made the break straight away and not later.
– You think we should have done it anyway? – Of course!
And things would be in a worse mess than they are now.
What if we'd never happened to meet again?
Would you have been perfectly happy with Sibyl?
Oh, I expect so.
– Oh, Elyot! – You needn't look so stricken.
It would have been the same for you and Victor.
Life would have been smooth and amicable and quite charming, wouldn't it?
– Poor Victor. He certainly did love me. – Splendid.
When I met him I was so lonely and depressed.
I felt I was growing old and crumbling away unwanted.
It certainly is horrid when one begins to crumble.
He used to look at me hopelessly, like a lovely spaniel.
I sort of melted like snow in sunlight.
That must have been an edifying spectacle.
– Victor really had a great charm. – You must tell me all about it(!)
He had a positive mania for looking after me and protecting me.
– That would have died down in time, dear. – There's no necessity to be rude!
I wasn't being in the least rude. I merely made a perfectly rational statement.
– Your voice was decidedly bitter. – Victor had glorious legs, hadn't he?
– And fascinating ears. – Don't be silly.
He probably looked radiant in the morning, all flushed and tumbled on the pillow.
– I never saw him on a pillow. – I'm surprised to hear it.
Elyot! What did you mean by that?
I'm sick of listening to you yap, yap, yap, yapping about Victor.
– Now, Elyot... – Sollocks! Two minutes. Sollocks.
[SHE STOPS ABRUPTLY]
– You think you can make me laugh... – Don't, don't, don't!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[HE SIGHS]
– Darling, I'm so sorry! – No, I was very irritating, I know I was.
I'm sure Victor's very nice and you're perfectly right to be sweet about him.
That's downright handsome of you, sweetheart!
I think I love you more than ever before. Isn't it ridiculous?
Put your feet up.
– You comfortable? – Wait a minute.
How long? Oh, lord, how long?
What do you mean, "How long? Oh, lord, how long?"
– This is far too perfect to last. – You have no faith!
– That's what's wrong with you. – Absolutely none.
What? Don't you believe in...?
No, do you?
No.
What about...
– Don't you believe in anything? – Yes. I believe in being kind to everyone
and giving money to old beggar women and being as gay as possible.
What about after we're dead?
I think rather a gloomy merging into everything, don't you?
– I hope not. I'm a very bad merger. – You won't know a thing about it.
I hope for a glorious oblivion, like being under gas.
I always dream the most peculiar things under gas.
Would you be young always, if you could choose?
No, I don't think so.
Not if it meant having awful bull's glands popped into me.
Cows for you, dear. Bulls for me.
It must be so horrible for those poor animals, being experimented on.
No! Not when the experiments are successful.
Why, in Vienna I believe you can see whole lines of decrepit old rats
– carrying on like Tiller Girls. – Oh, how very, very sweet.
I love you so.
No, don't blow! You're giving me the shivers.
Well, swivel your face round a bit more.
There. Is that better?
Much. Thank you, kindly.
Darling, you're so terribly, terribly dear and sweet and attractive.
– We were mad ever to part for an instant. – Utter imbeciles.
– I knew almost immediately, didn't you? – Long before we got our decree.
My heart broke on that damned trip around the world.
I saw the most beautiful things, darling.
Moonlight shining on old temples,
strange barbaric dances in jungle villages,
scarlet flamingos flying over deep, deep blue water –
all breathlessly lovely,
and completely unexciting because you weren't there to see it with me.
– Take me! Let's make up for lost time. – Next week?
– Tomorrow. – Done.
I must see those dear flamingos.
Eight years all told, we've loved each other.
Three married and five divorced.
Angel.
– Angel. Angel. – No, Elyot, stop, stop, stop...
Why should I stop? You adore being made love to.
It's just so soon after dinner.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, you really do say the most awful things.
– What's so particularly awful about that? – No sense of glamour at all.
It's difficult to feel glamorous with a crick in your neck.
Why didn't you say you had a crick in your neck?
– Oh. It's gone now. – How convenient(!)
– I want one, please. – Here.
– Match. – Wait a minute, can't you?
Chivalrous, little love(!)
You really can be more irritating than anyone in the world.
I fail to see what I've done that's so terribly irritating.
– You have no tact. – Tact? You have no consideration.
– "Too soon after dinner" indeed. – Yes, much too soon.
That remark shows a rather common sort of mind, I'm afraid.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– Oh, it does, does it? – Very unpleasant. Makes me shudder.
All this fuss just because your silly vanity is a little upset.
– What are you talking about? – You can't bear that there are moments
when our chemical... what d'you call 'ems, don't fuse properly.
Chemical what d'you call 'ems?
Please try and be more specific!
– You know exactly what I mean... – No, you...
– I call Sollocks, Elyot, please! – For God's sake!
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
[♪ PLAYS DARK, DRAMATIC TUNE]
[♪ GENTLE PIANO]
[♪ "Someday I'll Find You"]
♪ True to the dreams we are... ♪
[CONTINUES PLAYING]
You are the most thrilling, exciting woman that was ever born.
Dearest, dearest heart.
[PHONE RINGS]
– Oh, God! – Do you think it's them?
Nobody knows we're here except Freda and she wouldn't ring up.
– It must be them! – What are we going to do?
Darling? Darling? [RINGING CONTINUES]
We're all right, aren't we? Whatever happens?
Now and always, sweet.
Then I don't care.
It was bound to come, sooner or later.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
Hello?
What?
Comment?
Oui, oui, c'est ça.
Hello?
Madame qui?
Oh! Madame Duvallon?
It's somebody wanting dear Madame Duvallon.
– Who's she? – I haven't the faintest idea.
Je regrette beaucoup, Monsieur,
mais Madame Duvallon viens de partir cette après midi, pour...
Madagascar!
[BOTH LAUGH]
– That was a close shave! – It sent shivers up my spine.
What do we do if they suddenly walk in on us?
– Behave exquisitely. – With the most perfect poise.
Certainly, I shall probably do a court curtsey.
Things that ought to matter dreadfully, don't matter at all when you're happy!
The horrible thing is that one can't stay happy.
– Don't say that! – It's true.
– The whole business is a very poor joke. – That sacred and beautiful thing, love?
Yes, meaning just that.
"What does it all mean?
"That's what I ask myself in my ceaseless quest for ultimate truth.
"Dear God, what does it all mean?"
– Don't laugh at me. I'm serious. – You mustn't be serious, dear one.
– That's what they all want. – Who's "they"?
All the futile moralists who want to make life unbearable.
Laugh at them. Be flippant. Laugh at their sacred shibboleths.
Flippancy brings out the acid in their damned sweetness.
If I laugh at everything, I must laugh at us, too.
Certainly you must! We're figures of fun, all right.
How long will it last, this ludicrous, overbearing love of ours?
– Who knows? – Will we always want to bicker and fight?
No, no, no, that desire will fade, along with our passion.
– Oh dear, will we be like that? – It depends how well we've played.
What happens if one of us dies? Will the one that's left still laugh?
Yes.
– Yes, with all his might. – That's serious enough, isn't it?
No, no. Death's very laughable, really. It's such a cunning little mystery.
– All done with mirrors. – Now I believe you're talking nonsense.
So is everyone else in the long run.
Let's be superficial and pity the poor philosophers.
Let's blow trumpets and squeakers,
and enjoy the party like very small, quite idiotic schoolchildren.
Let's savour the delight of the moment. [SHE LAUGHS]
Come and kiss me, darling, before your body rots,
and worms pop in and out of your eye sockets.
– Elyot, worms don't pop. – I don't care what you do, see?
You can paint yourself bright green all over,
dance naked in the Place Vendôme and run off madly with all the men in the world
and I won't say a thing, as long as you love me best.
Thank you, darling! The same applies to you.
Except if I catch you so much as looking at another woman, I'll kill you.
Do you remember that awful row we had in Venice?
Which particular one?
The one when you bought that little wooden snake on the Piazza and put it on my bed.
That was his name, Charles. He did wriggle so beautifully!
– Horrid thing, I hated it! – I know you did.
You threw him out of the window into the Grand Canal.
– I'll never forgive you for that. – How long did the row last?
– It went on intermittently for days. – The worst one was in Cannes!
Your curling irons burnt a hole in my new dressing-gown.
It burnt all the towels in the bathroom!
– That was a rouser! – That was the first time you ever hit me.
I didn't hit you that hard.
The manager found us on the floor, biting and scratching like panthers.
– I'll never forget his face! – How ridiculous!
– How utterly, utterly ridiculous. – We were much younger then.
And very much sillier. [BOTH LAUGH]
As a matter of fact, the real cause of that row was Peter Burden.
You knew there was nothing in that.
I knew no such thing! You took presents from him.
Presents? Only a trivial little brooch.
I remember it well – bristling with diamonds, in the worst possible taste.
Not at all, it's very pretty. I still have it and wear it often.
– You went out of your way to torture me. – No, I didn't.
You worked the whole thing up in your jealous imagination.
– You know he was in love with you? – Perhaps a little. Nothing serious.
– You let him kiss you. – What of it?
It gave him a lot of pleasure and it didn't hurt me.
What about me?
If you hadn't been so suspicious and nosey you'd never have known about it.
– That's a nice point of view, I must say. – Now I'm bored with this conversation.
So am I, bored stiff.
[SIGHS]
– Would you like some more brandy? – No, thanks.
– I'll have a little. – I don't see why you want it.
– You've already had two glasses. – No particular reason.
– Anyhow, they were very small ones. – It seems silly to go on and on and on.
You can hardly call three liqueur glasses in an evening going on and on and on.
– It's become a habit with you. – You needn't be so grand!
Just because you don't happen to want some at the moment.
Don't be stupid.
– Really, Amanda? – What?
Nothing.
– Going out somewhere, dear? – No, no.
– Just making myself fascinating for you. – That reply just broke my heart(!)
It's a woman's job to allure the man. Watch me a minute, will you?
– That's perfectly true. – No, it isn't.
– Yes, it is. – Oh, be quiet!
Pity you didn't have more brandy, it might have made you less disagreeable.
It doesn't seem to have worked such wonders with you.
– Snap, snap, snap, like a little adder. – Adders don't snap, they sting.
Nonsense, they have bags of venom behind their fangs and they snap.
– They sting! Understand? I don't care! – They snap.
I don't mind if they bark or roll about like hoops.
Did you see much of Peter Burden after our divorce?
Yes, I did, quite a lot.
– I bet you let him kiss you a good deal! – Mind your own business.
No restraint at all. Very enjoyable. You never had much anyhow.
You're quite insufferable. I expect it's because you're drunk.
– I'm not in the least drunk. – You always had a weak head.
I mentioned I've only had three liqueur glasses of brandy in an evening.
A child of two couldn't get drunk on that.
A child of two can get violently drunk on one glass of brandy.
How interesting(!) How about a child of four, a child of six and a child of nine?
We might get up a splendid little debate about that, you know – intemperate tots!
Not very funny, dear. Better have another brandy.
– Good idea! – Ridiculous ass!
– I beg your pardon? – I said ridiculous ass!
Thank you, very much(!)
[♪ "The Augurs Of Spring" by Stravinsky]
You'd better turn that off. It's very late and it will annoy the people upstairs.
There aren't any people upstairs. It's a photographer's studio.
– There are people downstairs, I suppose? – They're away in Tunis.
[MUSIC STOPS] This is no time of year for Tunis!
– Turn it on again, please. – I'll do no such thing.
Very well, if you insist on being boorish and idiotic.
[♪ MUSIC STARTS AGAIN]
– Turn it off! It's driving me mad. – You're far too temperamental.
– Turn it off! – I won't. No!
[MUSIC STOPS] You've ruined the record!
– Good job, too. – Disagreeable pig.
– Darling, Sollocks. – Sollocks yourself!
– You spiteful little beast. – Ow!
– I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Listen... – Listen indeed!
I'm sick and tired of listening to you, you damned sadistic bully.
Thank you. A very pretty display, I must say.
– Ha, ha, ha! – Stop laughing like that.
ELYOT: Very amusing!
– Ha ha! – Stop it!
Very amusing!
I hate you! You're conceited, overbearing and utterly impossible!
You're a loose-living, vile-tempered, wicked woman.
I never want to see you again as long as I live.
This is the end, do you understand? The end – finally and for ever!
– No, you're not going like this. – I am.
– No, you are not. – I am! Let go of me!
[ELYOT GROANS] You cruel fiend! I hate and loathe you.
Thank God I realised just in time what you're really like.
Marry you again? Never, never, never! I'd rather die in torment!
I'd never marry you again, if you came crawling on bended...
Aaagh!
ELYOT: You're a mean, evil-minded little vampire.
– I never want to see you again! – I hate you!
[BOTH SCREAM]
ELYOT: I never want to see you again as long as I live...
[ELYOT SCREAMS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
(APPLAUSE)
(♪ "San" by Paul Whiteman & his orchestra)
[♪ GENTLE MELODY]
[SNEEZE]
Merde!
Qu'est ce que c'est que ca?
Les idiots ils ont tout fichu par terre pour que je me casse le nez.
Espèce d'imbecile.
Oh, regardez-moi ce gachis.
Puis, après tout, si ça amuse les patrons de casser le mobilier, moi je m'en fiche
come de ma première lignette.
Oh la, la.
[SIBYL SCREAMS]
– Bonjour, Madame. – What?
Oh, um...bonjour.
– Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici, Madame? – What... Ooh, wait a moment.
Attendez un instant.
– SYBIL: Oh, dear. – VICTOR: Oh! What's happening?
Bonjour, Monsieur.
– Bonjour. Oh, what time is it? – Huh, Monsieur?
Quelle heure est-il, s'il vous plaît?
Neuf heures moins dix, Madame.
– What did she say? – I think she said nearly ten o'clock.
Er...voulez-vous, um... Wake?
..réveillez Monsieur et Madame tout de suite?
Non, Monsieur.
Il m'est absolument défendu de les appeler jusqu'à ce qu'ils sonnent.
Les idiots.
– What are we to do? – Wake them ourselves.
– Wait a minute. – What's the matter?
I couldn't face them yet, really.
– I couldn't, I feel dreadful. – Well, so do I.
[SOBS]
Oh, it's a lovely morning!
– [SOBBING] Lovely. – I say, don't cry.
– I can't help it. – No, please don't, please...
It's all so squalid!
I wish we hadn't stayed. What's the use?
We've got to see them before we go back to England.
– Get things straightened out. – Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
– I wish I were dead. – Hush, now. Remember your promise.
We've got to see this through together and get it settled one way or another.
I'll try to control myself, only I'm so, so tired!
– I haven't slept properly for ages. – Yeah, well, neither have I.
If we hadn't arrived when we did, they would have killed one another.
– They must have been drunk. – She hit him.
He hit her, too!
I had no idea that anyone ever behaved like that.
it's so disgusting, so degrading!
Elli, of all people. Oh dear.
– What an escape you've had! – What an escape we've both had.
[CHEERY] Oh! Good morning.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, Amanda.
Would you move this, please? I can't get out.
– Where are you going? – Away.
You can't. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you, please.
Well, all I can say is it's very inconsiderate.
– Mandy, I... – You must be Sibyl. How do...
If you take up that attitude, I fail to see the point of you coming here at all.
– I came to see Elyot. – I have no wish to prevent you.
He's in there, probably wallowing in alcoholic stupor.
– This is all very unpleasant, Amanda. – That's why I want to go away!
That would be shirking! This must be discussed at length.
Very well, if you insist.
Only, just not now, I don't feel up to it. Has Louise come yet?
If Louise is the maid, she's through there.
You'd probably like a coffee. Excuse me a moment.
– Well! How dare she? – How dare she what?
Behave so calmly, as though nothing had happened.
– I don't see what else she could do. – Insufferable I call it.
ELYOT: Oh, my God!
– Elyot! – ELYOT: Go away.
[SHE SOBS] Do pull yourself together!
– I can't, I can't. – I've ordered some coffee and rolls.
– Mandy... – I apologise for the room being untidy.
[SIBYL SOBS]
It's no use crying like that. It doesn't do any good.
– Elyot, where are you going? – Canada!
– You can't go like this, you can't. – I see no point in staying.
You owe it to Sibyl to stay.
How do you do. I don't think we've met.
You must stay, you've got to stay.
Very well, then. If you insist.
I'm afraid the room's in rather a mess. Have you seen the maid?
– She's in the kitchen. – Good. I'll order some coffee.
No, your, er...my, er...
Amanda has already ordered it.
Good. I'm glad the old girl's up and about.
– We've got to get this straightened out. – Yes, it's pretty awful.
– We'll send down for the concierge. – I know you're being purposely flippant!
Sorry.
– What's to be done? – I don't know.
It's all perfectly horrible!
I feel smirched and unclean,
as though slimy things have been crawling all over me.
Maybe they have. That's a very old sofa.
If you don't stop your damned flippancy, I'll knock your head off.
Has it occurred to you that flippancy might cover a very real embarrassment?
In a situation such as this, it's in extremely bad taste.
No worse than bluster and invective.
As far as I know, this situation is entirely without precedent.
We have no prescribed etiquette to fall back on.
I shall continue to be flippant.
Oh, Elyot, how can you, how can you?
– I'm awfully sorry. – It's easy enough to be sorry.
On the contrary. I find it exceedingly difficult. I seldom regret anything.
This is a rare and notable exception, a sort of red-letter day.
We must all make the most of it.
SYBIL: I'll never forgive you, never!
[SOBBING] I wouldn't have believed that anyone could be so callous and cruel.
I absolutely see your point and as I said before, I am very sorry.
Now, look here, Chase...
What? Breakfast not ready yet? These French servants are too slow for words.
– Mandy, I... – What a glorious morning!
I do love Paris. It's so genuinely gay.
Those lovely trees in the Champs-Élysées,
and the little roundabouts for children to play on.
And those shiny red taxis.
You can see Sacre Coeur quite clearly today.
Sometimes, it's a little bit misty,
particularly in August, all the heat rising up from the pavement, you know.
– Yes, dear, we know(!) – And it's heavenly being so high up.
I found this flat three years ago, quite by merest chance.
I happened to be staying at the Plaza Athénée, just down the road...
ELYOT: Such a nice hotel, with an enchanting courtyard
and a fountain that goes plop plop plop
– plop plop plop plop plop plop... – This is ridiculous, Amanda.
I can't discuss anything in the least important until after breakfast.
I couldn't concentrate. I simply know I couldn't.
What manner! What poise! How I envy it!
To be able to carry off the most embarrassing situation
with such tact and delicacy and, above all, such subtlety.
Go on, Amanda, you're making everything so much easier(!)
We'll all be playing Hunt the Slipper in a minute.
Please don't address me. I don't wish to speak to you.
– ELYOT: Splendid. – I never shall, for as long as I live.
I shall endeavour to rise above it.
I was brought up to believe it's beyond the pale for a man to strike a woman.
A very poor tradition. Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.
AMANDA: You're an unmitigated cad and a bully!
And you're an ill-mannered, bad-tempered slattern.
– Slattern indeed! – Yes, slattern, slattern and fishwife.
– Keep your mouth shut! – Mind your own damned business!
– Stop it, stop it, please. Help me! – AMANDA: I'm not going to interfere.
Let them fight if they want to. It will probably clear the air, anyhow.
Come into my room. You could probably do with a wash or something. Come along.
– Now then! – Now then what?
Are you going to take back those things you said to Amanda?
Certainly, I'll take back anything, as long as you stop bellowing at me.
– You're a coward, too. – They want us to fight, don't you see?
– No, I don't, why should they? – Primitive feminine instincts!
Warring males, very enjoyable.
– You think you're very clever, don't you? – I think I'm a bit cleverer than you.
– But apparently that's not saying much. – What?
– Oh, do sit down. – I will not.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I will. I'm exceedingly tired.
– For God's sake, behave like a man. – Listen a minute.
All this belligerency is all very right and proper and highly traditional,
but if you'll just think for a moment, you'll see that it won't get us very far.
To hell with that!
I should like to explain that if you hit me, I shall certainly hit you back,
equally hard, if not harder, I'm just as strong as you, I should imagine.
Then you'd hit me again and I'd hit you again,
and we'd go on and on until one or other of us was knocked out.
If you could explain to me satisfactorily
how all that can possibly improve the situation,
I'll tear off my coat, and we'll go at each other hammer and tongs, immediately.
– It would ease my mind. – Only if you won.
– I should win, all right. – You want to try?
– Yes. – Right, here goes.
Just a moment. What did you mean about them wanting us to fight?
It would be balm to their vanity.
– Do you love Amanda? – Is this a battle or a discussion?
If it's the latter I shall put on my coat again, I don't want to catch a chill.
– Answer my question! – It's rather a silly question.
– Do you love Amanda? – Not very much this morning!
To be perfectly frank, I'd like to wring her neck.
– Do you love her? – That's beside the point.
It's the crux of the whole affair.
If you love her, you can forgive her and live in peace and harmony until you're 98.
You're apparently even more of a cad than I thought you were.
You're completely in the right! Don't imagine I'm not perfectly conscious of it.
– I'm glad. – It's all very unfortunate.
– Unfortunate? – It might have been worse.
– I'm glad you think so. – I do wish you'd stop being so glad!
What do you intend to do? That's what I want to know.
I don't know. I don't care.
I suppose you realise you've broken that poor little woman's heart?
Which poor little woman?
– Sibyl, of course. – It's not as bad as all that.
– She'll get over it and forget about me. – I sincerely hope so.
Amanda will forget about me. Everybody will forget about me.
I might as well lie down and die in the most fearful pain and suffering.
Don't talk such rot!
You must forgive me for taking rather a gloomy view,
but I suddenly feel slightly depressed.
I intend to divorce Amanda, naming you as co-respondent.
– Very well. – And Sibyl will divorce you for Amanda.
It would be foolish of either of you to attempt any defence.
– The sooner you marry Amanda, the better. – I'm not marrying Amanda.
– What? – She's a vile-tempered wicked woman.
– You should have thought of that before. – I did think of it before.
– You've got to marry her. – I'd rather marry a ravening leopard.
I am sick of all this shilly-shallying!
You are getting off more lightly than you deserve.
You can consider yourself lucky I didn't shoot you.
Well, if you'd had a spark of manliness in you, you would have shot me.
You're all fuss and fume, one of those cotton-wool Englishmen. I despise you.
– You despise me? – Yes, utterly!
You're nothing but a rampaging gas bag!
Well, what happened?
– Nothing's happened. – You ought to be ashamed to admit it.
– Where's Elyot? – Through there.
– What's he doing? – How do I know what he's doing?
If you were half the man I thought you were, he'd be bandaging himself.
– Elyot is just as strong as Victor. – Yes, I should like it proved.
There's no need to be so vindictive.
You were abusing Elyot like a pick-pocket to me, now you're standing up for him.
I'm beginning to suspect that he wasn't quite so much to blame as I thought.
– Oh, really? – You have a very unpleasant temper.
It's a little difficult to keep up with your rapid changes of front,
but you're young and inexperienced, so I forgive you freely.
Seeing the depths of degradation to which age and experience have brought you,
I'm glad I'm as I am!
That was exceedingly rude. I think you'd better go away somewhere.
– Elyot is my husband. – Take him with you, by all means.
If you're not very careful, I will!
Elyot? Elyot! [KNOCKS DOOR]
ELYOT: What is it? SIBYL: Let me in. Please, let me in.
I want to speak to you!
Heaven preserve me from nice women!
– Your own reputation ought to do that! – Oh, go to hell!
[PATHETICALLY] Victor?
What?
Nothing.
Oh, God!
– Where does it go? – Over there.
– Thank you, Victor. – Don't mention it.
W-What did you say to Elyot?
– I told him he was beneath contempt. – Good.
– I think you must be mad, Amanda. – I've often thought that myself.
– I feel lost, completely bewildered. – I don't blame you.
– I don't feel any too cosy. – Had you been drinking last night?
– Certainly not! – Had Elyot been drinking?
Yes, gallons.
Used he to drink before, when you were married to him?
Yes, terribly.
Night after night, he'd come home roaring and hiccoughing.
– Disgusting! – Yes, wasn't it?
– Did he really strike you last night? – Repeatedly.
– I'm bruised beyond recognition. – Amanda!
I'm most awfully sorry to have given you so much trouble, really I am!
I've behaved badly, I know, but something strange happened to me.
There's no excuse.
And I'm ashamed for having made you unhappy.
I can't understand it. I've tried to, but I can't. It seems so unlike you.
It isn't unlike me. I ought never to have married you, I'm a bad lot.
– Amanda! – Don't contradict me.
I wasn't going to contradict you. You appal me, absolutely!
– Go on, I deserve it. – I didn't come here to accuse you.
– There's no sense in that! – What did you come for?
To find out what you want me to do.
Divorce me, I suppose, as soon as possible.
I won't make any difficulties. I shall go away, far away.
Morocco or Tunis or somewhere.
I shall probably catch a dreadful disease and die all alone. Oh, dear!
– It's no use pitying yourself. – I seem to be the only one who does.
I might as well enjoy it. I'm thoroughly unprincipled, Sibyl was right!
– Sibyl's an ass. – Yes, she is rather, isn't she?
– I can't think why Elyot married her. – Do you love him?
– Of course, she's very... What? – Amanda!
You haven't answered my question.
I've forgotten what it was.
– You're hopeless. Hopeless. – Oh, don't be angry!
– It's far too serious to be angry about. – You're talking utter nonsense!
I mean it. It's ridiculous for us all to stand around arguing with each other.
Go back to England and let your lawyers deal with the whole thing.
– But what about you? – Oh, I shall be all right.
I only want to know one thing and you won't tell me.
– What is it? – Do you love Chase?
No, I hate him.
When I saw him again suddenly at Deauville it was an odd sort of shock.
It swept me away completely.
He attracted me, he always has attracted me –
but only the worst part of me, I see that now.
I can't understand why. He's so terribly trivial and superficial.
That attraction can't be explained. It's a chemical what d'you call 'em.
– Yes, it must be! – I don't expect you to understand.
I'm not going to try and excuse myself in any way.
Elyot was the first love affair of my life,
and in spite of all the suffering that he caused me,
a little spark must have been left smouldering,
which burst into flame when I came face to face with him again.
I completely lost grip of myself and behaved like a fool,
for which I shall pay all right, you needn't worry about that.
But, perhaps one day,
when all this is dead and done with,
you and I might meet and be friends?
AMANDA: N-no?
That's something to hope for, anyway.
Goodbye, Victor dear.
– Do you want to marry him? – I'd rather marry a boa constrictor.
I can't leave you with a man who drinks and knocks you about.
Don't worry about leaving me, as though I were a parcel. I can look after myself.
You said just now you were going away to Tunis, to die.
I changed my mind. It's the wrong time of the year for Tunis.
I shall go somewhere different. Brioni's very nice.
– Why won't you be serious for one moment? – I've told you, it's no use.
If it will make things any easier for you,
– I won't divorce you. – Victor!
We can live apart until Sibyl has got her decree against Chase
then after that, I'll let you divorce me.
You're determined to make me serious, whether I like it or not.
I married you because I loved you. I expect I love you still.
One doesn't change all in a minute.
You never loved me. I see that now, of course.
Perhaps everything has turned out for the best.
I thought I loved you, honestly I did.
– Yes, I know. – What an escape you've had.
– I've said that to myself often. – There's no need to rub it in.
– Do you agree about the divorce business? – It's very, very generous of you.
Perhaps Sybil will change her mind about divorcing Chase?
Perhaps. She certainly went into the bedroom with a predatory look in her eye.
– Would you be pleased? – Delighted.
– Elyot and I have come to a decision. – How very nice(!)
– What is it? – Victor, look at their faces.
Feminine intuition, very difficult.
Feminine determination, very praiseworthy.
I am not going to divorce Elyot for a year.
– I congratulate you. – Sibyl has behaved like an angel.
Well, it certainly was her big moment.
– Ah! Il faut le mettre sur la table. – Oui, Monsieur.
– It all seems very amicable. – It is, thank you.
I don't wish to depress you, but Victor isn't going to divorce me either.
– ELYOT: What? – I asked you never to speak to me again!
I merely said "What?" It was a general exclamation denoting extreme satisfaction.
[PIANO KEYS THUMPED]
LOUISE: Pardon, Madame, ça n'est pas ma faute.
Mais si Madame n'avait pas laissé son piano ouvert,
je ne me serais pas cogne dedans.
Pardon!
Oh! Puis qu'ils se mettent à table, qu'ils boivent leur café
et qu'ils me fichent la paix! [SNEEZES]
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– Do sit down, won't you? – No, I'm afraid I must be going.
I'm catching the Golden Arrow. It leaves at 12.
– You have time for coffee, surely? – No, I really must go!
We won't be seeing each other again for such a long time.
– Living apart? How wise! – Please, Sibyl, do stay!
– Very well, just for a little. – AMANDA: Sit down, Victor, darling.
– Half and half? – Yes, please.
What would one do without one's morning coffee? That's what I often ask myself.
Is it? And what do you always answer?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Victor, sugar for Sibyl.
It would be absurd for me to call you anything but Sibyl.
Of course. I shall call you Mandy.
ELYOT: Oh God! We're off again! What weather?
– Thank you. – What's the time?
If the clock's still going after last night, it's a quarter past ten.
– Here, Victor, dear. – Oh, thank you.
Sibyl, sugar for Victor.
I'd like some coffee, please.
Brioche?
– What? – Would you like a brioche?
Oh! No, no, no.
No, thank you.
I'd like one! And some butter, and some jam.
– Have you ever been to Brioni? – No. It's in the Adriatic, isn't it?
– The Baltic, I think. – I made sure it was in the Adriatic.
– I had an aunt who went there once. – I once had an aunt who went to Tasmania.
Funny how the south of France has become so fashionable in the summer, isn't it?
– Yes, awfully funny. – I've been laughing about it for months.
Personally, I find it a little too hot, although one can lie in the water all day.
Oh, yes, the bathing is really divine!
[GIGGLES]
A friend of mine has a house right on the edge of Cap Ferrat.
– Really? – Yes, right on the edge.
– That must be marvellous! – He seems to like it very much.
You must tell us about some more of your friends(!)
You know, I think I really love travelling more than anything else in the world!
It always gives me such a tremendous feeling of adventure.
First, the excitement of packing, getting your passport visaed and everything,
then the thrill of actually starting, the trundling along on trains and ships.
The most thrilling thing of all, arriving in strange places, seeing strange people,
– and eating strange foods... – Making strange noises afterwards.
[SPLUTTERS]
– That was a damn fool thing to do. – How did I know she was going to choke?
– Darling, drink some coffee. – Leave me alone. I shall be all right.
You waste too much time trying to be funny.
It's no use talking to Elyot like that, it wasn't his fault.
It was his fault entirely, making rotten stupid jokes.
I thought what Elyot said was funny.
Well, as I can say is, you must have a very warped sense of humour.
It's better than having none at all.
I fail to see what humour there is in incessant trivial flippancy.
You couldn't be flippant if you tried until you were blue in the face.
I shouldn't dream of trying!
It must be very sad not to be able to see any fun in anything.
I pity you, I really do. I've been pitying you ever since we left for Paris.
That's very nice of you, but quite unnecessary.
– I pity you more than ever now. – Why now, particularly?
If you don't see why, I'm certainly not going to tell you.
I see no reason for you to try to pick a quarrel with me.
I've tried my best to comfort you.
You weren't very comforting when I lost my trunk.
I have little patience with people who go about losing luggage.
I don't go about losing luggage. It's the first time I've lost anything in my life.
I find that hard to believe.
If you'd tipped the porter enough, everything would have been all right.
– Small economies never pay... – Oh, for God's sake, be quiet!
– How dare you speak to me like that? – You've been irritating me for days!
You're the most completely idiotic woman I've ever met.
– You're the rudest man I've ever met! – Well then, we're quits!
– You'll get your desserts all right. – What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean and it'll serve you right
for being weak minded enough to allow that woman to get around you!
What about you? Letting an unprincipled roué persuade you to take him back?
He isn't anything of the sort. He's just been victimised, as you were victimised.
– What damned nonsense! – It isn't damned nonsense!
You're very fond of swearing and blustering and threatening,
but when it comes to the point you're as weak as water.
Why, a blind cat could see what you've let yourself in for.
When I think of all the things you said about her, it makes me laugh,
it does really, to see how completely she's got you again.
You obviously speak with great authority,
having had the intelligence to marry a drunkard.
Oh! So that's what she's been telling you? I might have known it!
I expect she omitted to tell you that she drank 14 glasses of brandy last night
and the reason their first marriage broke up
was that she used to come home screaming and hiccoughing.
He's a filthy liar, and if you believe it, you're a silly scatter-brained fool.
How dare you speak to me like that! I've never been so insulted in my life!
VICTOR: It's tremendous relief for me to have an excuse to insult you.
I've listened to your weeping and wailing for days.
You've clacked at me and snivelled at me until you've nearly driven me insane.
I thought you were stupid from the first,
but I must say, I never realised you were a malicious little vixen as well!
Stop it! Stop it!
You little...! [SHE SCREAMS]
You insufferable great brute!
Oh, God, no! Not my hair!
Oh, God, no!
[♪ UPBEAT JAZZ]
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)
Captions provided by Stagetext