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这个故事可以归为“一件事导致另一件事”的标题
它始于8月20日
晚上7:00,汤姆.道比斯
他有一个成功的以政治喜剧为特色的有线电视节目
正在和他的观众暖场聊天
在录制他的节目之前
谢谢你今天来到这里,这不是真正的演出
如果你注意到的话,摄像机没有指向任何东西
一些批评家也这么说,但我只是想和你谈谈
给观众热身,一点点前戏
对不起
我最好后退几步以免性骚扰你
你知道,政府最近说...好吧,很多人说
我们正在削减开支,我们正在削减开支
但NASA(美国宇航局)实际上花了2800万美元
开发一种钢笔,可以在零重力的情况下在太空中倒立书写
俄国人用五分钱的铅笔解决了同样的问题
(俄国口音)很容易,倒过来写,零重力
喝掉两瓶伏特加,还能写
如果你有GPS,一定要小心
我最近买了一辆奔驰车
它有会说话的GPS,它说:“往前走,右转”
我打开门,车说“你是犹太人吗?”
但是很快,你所有的电器就会互相交流
你站在磅秤上,它会说,“我和微波炉谈过了”
但我注意到你们很多人都带着你的小手机
很快它们就会变小,你就会把它们放进...
你看不到它们,它们就在你的内心
等一下,我有个电话,“你好”
“不,不,我要调大声点,等一等”
“等一下,等一下,我要拍张照片”
“哦,等等,等等,我收到个邮件”
就是在问答环节一个女人发表了一个声明
是的,是的,女士?嗨
我对政治制度感到很沮丧
我经常听到我的朋友们说同样的话
也许你应该竞选总统
这句话很快就被人们遗忘了
几分钟后节目开始了
参议员,我想说的是普通大众都很沮丧
随着政党的两极分化和问责制的缺失
我是说,这太疯狂了
今晚听众中的一位女士说我应该竞选总统
也许我应该
在三个小时内
有400万封电子邮件支持道比斯竞选总统
在接下来的一周,汤姆.道比斯四次提到过此事
互联网沸腾了,超过八百万封电子邮件
这是一场草根运动
互联网的力量和个人崇拜的推动
女士们先生们,非常感谢你们的耐心
今晚我们有一场精彩的演出,所以,不用多说了,让我...
在9月2日,一件非常非常不寻常的事情发生了
明天,我将正式宣布
我竞选美国总统
是你写的吗?
笑点在哪里?
也许纯粹是虚荣,也许是政治噱头
又或者是因为汤姆认为他的观众要求他这么做,谁知道呢?
作为汤姆.道比斯的经理,我和周围的人一样震惊
而我也不感到高兴
这是否意味着我失业了?
此后不久
汤姆.道比斯在13个州拉选票
这是此次不寻常事件发展的第一步
在西海岸,第二个多米诺骨牌倒下了
选民的困惑,无休止的重新计票
不可靠的结果
民主被扣为人质
在今天的美国,科技赋予了公众几乎所有的权力
而现在,满怀信心地投票吧
推荐德拉克罗伊投票系统
国会决定采用德拉克罗伊系统
将在即将到来的总统选举中拥有
全国计算机投票的选举权
事后看来,这不是他们一个更好决定
为方便投票,投票速度和准确性
它消除了选票上的长队和混乱
对于这家总部位于硅谷的公司来说,这是一次重大的成功
当配音的版本出现时,我需要看看合同
德拉克罗伊
作为德拉克罗伊的CEO(首席执行官),詹姆斯.海明斯
深情地看着他的股票上涨
在大楼的内部,还有一件事即将发生
我刚从圣.马特奥得到选票所以我想我可以自己做个小小的选举
你知道,所有的公投,提议和修正案
- 再加上候选人的名字 - 为什么?
好吧,我们从来没有像这样投票
所以我想我要试一下
哦,上帝,我想我烫伤了嘴唇
这就像芯片上的民主,不是吗?
是的,但是不管你怎么划分,这都是你投的票
而不是投票有多么容易
不管她工作是否勤奋
她是否有强迫症
或者她真的没有私人生活,谁知道呢?
但那天深夜,她发现了一件很不对劲的事情
米尔斯,我投给你的票是我投给凯洛格总统的三倍
为什么还是总统赢了?
她像一位优秀,敬业的员工一样,给CEO詹姆斯.海明斯发了一封电子邮件
她在信中说有些地方不对劲
她用了这样的短语,像“系统故障”
“兼容性问题”之类的
海明斯看了那封邮件
作为一名CEO,他的股票财富被他的最新事业所包裹
如果真的有问题的话,现在纠正它已经太迟了
所以他没有理会备忘录
并希望这个问题会消失
我最近读了很多专栏文章
他们说汤姆.道比斯没有谈论这些问题
好吧,我将谈论这个问题
这个问题有一定的代表性
美国人民没有被代表
我们的政治领导人过于感激特殊利益集团和党派政治
这个国家是建立在
民有,民治,民享的原则之上的
我们是世界历史上最富有的国家
我们是这个星球上最强大的国家
然而,我们不能教育我们自己的孩子
感觉还不错
林肯在葛底斯堡演说中得到了更多的笑声
不要从这个开始
每个人都喜欢雷蒙德在重播的时候做大量的表演
喜剧,喜剧销售,我们还记得吗?
我不想讲这个
我不在乎你说什么,但要幽默地说出来
这些人期待着
你一次又一次的演讲,却一点都不搞笑
当我回到节目里之后他们会得到乐趣的
这太无趣味了
哦,拜托,我参加竞选是为了讨论一些问题
没有流行,活力,没有魅力
记得那句格言:“这不是笑话”吗?这不是笑话
汤姆,你就不能讲两个我的笑话吗?
让我感到被需要
你是个谈论政治的喜剧演员
所以当你谈论没有喜剧的政治时
这就像想和女人上床却忘了带女人一起来
你很快就会发现少了什么东西
嗯,我认为我们应该有代表我们的政治家
而不是特殊利益集团
必要的时候他们就用各种手段转移大众注意力
他们提出了宪法修正案
禁止焚烧国旗
通过在国会花哪怕一分钟的时间讨论这个问题
你否认了其他的事情,教育,环境问题
所以我今晚谈论的是关于政治广告
这也是所有政治选举活动中最费钱的地方
从政者不得不花大笔金钱在电视上做广告
这就是特殊利益集团开始的地方
当你有一个耗资2亿美元的政治运动时
某时某地你总是要还些什么给某人的
这就是我拒绝播放电视广告的原因
只是娱乐,以这种方式看待它
你愿意和谁共进晚餐?
鼎盛时期的理查德.普赖尔还是联合国的首脑科菲.安南?
告诉我哪顿晚餐会更有趣
如果没有蜡烛,理查德
但我想和科菲一起说,“咖啡,科菲?”
“什么?咖啡?科菲,科菲,咖啡?”
<我们生活在一个政治世界>
<爱没有任何地方>
<我们生活在一个男人犯罪的时代>
<而犯罪没有一张脸>
他在辩论吗?
他在辩论!
- 嘿,道比斯要参加辩论了! - 什么?
他们会让他参加辩论
我们挖到金子了还是什么?
哦,我的上帝,我们得开始写了
是的,我的意思是,我们可以写,但他会做任何事吗?
赞美互联网!
一千六百万封邮件说的清晰而响亮!
不!
以下是引用我们的辩论咨询标准
“所有表现出严肃目标的候选人
以及在选举的最后30天内得到大力支持的
将会进入到辩论”,结束
是的!
好吧,我完全同意哦-喔
辩论委员会将汤姆.道比斯纳入其中
他是迄今为止最强的无党派人士
我非常期待这场辩论
现在,我对我的决定,我的立场充满信心
以及我与选民的密切关系
还有我的头发
嗯,我认为你要做的第一件事是说你有未经证实的信息
表明其他候选人和家畜有性关系
这可以追溯到约翰逊的事情
- 约翰逊总统 - 噢,总统
约翰逊说他想指控他的对手
和动物做爱,好吗?
他的一个手下说,“你怎么证明?”
而他说,“我不能,但我想听他们否认”
目的的严肃性
这场辩论将会是一个充满浮夸的夜晚
空气中会充满废话
他们会感谢每一个人,做所有这些细节
他们会感谢他们的妻子,孩子
所有支持他们竞选的人
是的,这是我们的夜晚,汤姆,这是一生难得的机会
就像一个喜剧演员在卡内基音乐厅演出
但他登台拉起了小提琴
这不是他们想要看到的
你还剩多少个类比?
要多少才能证明我的观点?
我不是故意的
你得放松一下,在这场辩论中,把你的表演态度表现出来
是的,但我可以重申一遍吗?
他们把我弄进去是因为我的目的很严肃
他们看到了这一点,这就是我们参与这场辩论的原因
严肃的谈话使我们昏昏欲睡
现在你想谈论一个严肃的问题
大家都不听
等一下,你认为有人记得这些问题吗?
当有辩论的时候,你觉得...
当任何一个人,任何一个美国人,最后一次观看辩论是什么时候
“哦,上帝!你听到他说的话了吗?”
“我相信他谈到了财政政策”哦,我的上帝
“我的眼睛睁开了,我又听见了!”是的,你是对的
他们只记得尼克松像伊丽莎白.泰勒一样流汗
在吃了一顿墨西哥饭之后
这不太好
求你了,我就像一个缺水的人
拜托,尖刻的评论,它会杀了你吗?只是为了我
越来越多的人在看你的节目,像乔恩.斯图尔特,比尔.马赫的新闻
来自喜剧演员的新闻,这有多疯狂?
让我们继续,好吗?
艾莉森,珍妮,你们有什么想法?
好吧,我希望这听起来不傻,但你知道
另外两位候选人是有家室的人,对吗?
汤姆,恕我直言
你会如何表现出家庭友好的态度?
好吧,我可以抱着我妈妈的骨灰
好吧,好吧,我知道,我们会在那里损失一些人
但芝加哥,那里的投票一定是我们的,来吧
不过她是对的,汤姆,我的意思是,自从竞选开始
我们看到其他候选人的妻子都穿着红色的套装,你知道的
你是说,我必须在辩论前结婚?
你什么意思?白天活动,晚上约会
就像一些奇怪的真人秀
实际上,这不是一个坏主意,真的,一部分白宫风云一部分单身汉
嘿,还不错,你知道?这是我们的第一个选手
“你叫什么名字?”
“是的,我叫瑞秋.坦森斯(紧张局势)”“是的,的确如此”
“二号选手,你叫什么名字?”“我的名字叫索吉尼小姐”
“是的,我认为他真的很火辣”
“但后来,当我发现”
“他激进的环境政策时我说”呃呃
“我喜欢肮脏的环境,如果你明白我的意思的话”
“我想要一个不怕进入湿地并钻孔的男人”
“深钻,你知道我在说什么吗?”
“在泥里打滚再带一身泥回家,爸爸,就这样”
这是一个可以奏效想法
- 是的,但你在竞选 - 我在在竞选
你竞选因为...你竞选是因为人们想让你竞选
好吧,你认为他们为什么要你竞选?
听你谈论问题?你在开玩笑吧?
我几乎听不懂你在说什么,好吗?
我不是说过一百次了吗?
听着,我们要去芝加哥,我正在做我一直在做的事情
这是我来这里的原因
我想继续做下去,因为我觉得这行得通
<像一颗星星一样在我的沉睡中>
<我睁开眼睛偷看了一眼>
<发现我在海边>
<凝视与宁静>
你得去化妆,汤姆,化妆
孟肯
<然后当那个哈迪.甘迪人>
<唱着爱的歌来了>
<他唱哈迪.甘迪,哈迪.甘迪,哈迪.甘迪,甘迪>
<哈迪.甘迪,哈迪.甘迪,哈迪.甘迪...>
看看这个
就像马戏团,这是坚果
当我还是个孩子的时候,我在马戏团
- 不 - 是的
我曾经给大象刮毛
你从帐篷里出发了,你又回到帐篷里了
我不是在开玩笑,它们长着大胡子
在野外,它们把它蹭在树上
在马戏团里,你必须...你用喷灯刮胡子
一种像加油机那样的泵,你把它喷到它们脸上
你知道我在说什么吗?
你要喝咖啡吗?
因为我需要它保持清醒,你们有绿茶吗?
你抽烟有多久了?
从我七岁开始
从你七岁开始
我父亲是个老烟鬼
尽管凯洛格总统和米尔斯参议员已经各花了差不多
1.95亿美元用于媒体广告宣传
而汤姆.道比斯并没有花一分钱
他拒绝在媒体上花钱,他说:“候选人不是产品”
好了,这是最新消息,道比斯在他参加投票的13个州里
大约获得17%的支持率
- 你要啤酒还是汽水? - 汽水,谢谢
...与电视脱口秀相比
他在一些较小的圈子里无疑具有极大的影响力
我们有一些片段,准备好了吗?
我录了他所有的节目
好吧,这是他节目的一些节选
瑞典汽车制造商沃尔沃宣布他们将更换安全气囊
在他们的新桥车里植入隆乳填充物
瑞典的追尾事故增加了95%
很多人都想撞开这辆车看看会发生什么
同时,教皇本尼迪克特终于将瑞士卫队机械化了
并说:“这是我的选择”
“我这样做是为了教会和祖国”
你知道,这很奇怪,当时我没有提到这个
当他被选为教皇时
我内心一直希望能有一位巴西教皇,教皇劳尔
这样你就可以让修女们穿上丁字裤和羽毛了
我真的认为这会让很多人回到教堂
原谅我,原谅我
- 你知道,你的皮肤很好 - 哦,谢谢你
- 有点晒黑了 - 谢谢,我去了一个日光浴沙龙
我想看起来像肯尼迪,但我觉得他们把它放在了乔治.汉密尔顿身上
- 乔治.汉密尔顿,他不有烧烤店吗? - 不,那是乔治.福尔曼
- 你想结婚? - 在辩论前我需要一个妻子
- 感兴趣吗? - 我不知道,道比斯先生
我们可以在宾夕法尼亚大道上找到一幢漂亮的房子
不太招摇的
后面有小直升机停机坪
几千条电话线,60名员工,来吧
你紧张吗?
不然我为什么要向一个我从没见过的女人求婚?
但你有自己的电视节目
是的,但在节目中我会问问题
你有两分钟,汤姆
我们开始吧
晚上好,欢迎参加最后一场总统辩论
在美国总统的主要候选人之间
候选人是民主党候选人,凯洛格总统
共和党总统候选人,米尔斯参议员
还有在今晚的辩论中首次出现的
无党派人士,汤姆.道比斯
我叫费斯.丹尼尔斯
我将担任今晚90分钟辩论的主持人
可爱
- 乳沟,这合法吗? - 很可爱
现在,共和党和民主党竞选代表
都同意采用这种形式
没有任何被限制的主题
和往常一样,每位候选人最多有两分钟的时间
做个结束陈词
以上规则,以及今晚的提问环节
都事先以书面形式确定
先生们,再次表示,晚上好,欢迎大家,让我们开始吧
道比斯先生
你如何解释你竞选美国总统的决定?
我决定参加竞选是因为我厌倦了党派政治
我厌倦了共和党,我厌倦了民主党
- 有点尖锐 - 没有真正的区别
这是一个土豆先生的候选人
基本上,这里有一个东西,这里有一个关键词,“聚会”
因为在紧闭的门后,我认为他们只是过得很开心
当你阅读一些记录
你的国防部长说的一些事情
我想一定在什么地方有一个开放的酒吧
因为底线是他们已经忘记了自己的责任
他们应该对人民负责,而不是对党的忠诚
当然绝对不是说客
- 这就是我想竞选总统的原因 - 不够有力
- 我从没想过我今晚会这么说... - 需要更多闪光点
...但是你还有一分钟剩余时间,道比斯先生
我可以退款吗?
我们将继续
米尔斯参议员,我想问你同样的问题
好吧,首先,谢谢你,费斯
感谢你们所有人,感谢你们让我们今晚来到这里
我还要感谢我的妻子和孩子们
他们非常支持我的候选资格,非常有帮助
这家伙笑得很开心
我开始心烦了
我要感谢所有让这一切成为可能的人
如果我可以重申米尔斯参议员的话
关于家庭,子女,妻子和直系亲属
和巨大的...
他们在我们的失败或成功中扮演的重要角色
以及,在我的例子中,是成功
我对他们的爱,我对你们所有人的爱,谁有...
- 什么? - 他说的是他的妻子和孩子
他为什么滔滔不绝?你知道吗?
谁在乎呢?
非常感谢
这就是我为什么这么做的原因
一个非常严格的主张严厉的安全措施
凯洛格总统和我在这方面的看法是一致的
我完全同意没有含糊其辞
安全措施必须保持强硬
谢谢你
道比斯先生,你对国家安全的立场是什么?
- 好吧,来吧 - 继续,汤姆,加油
- 去做吧 - 我相信
其中一些措施已经很严厉
如果你去过出入境检查处
你和成千上万的人站成一排
最后,你会遇到一个在防弹玻璃后面的移民官
他拿着你的护照,看着你的护照照片
看着你,看着你护照上的照片,说
“你为什么要理发?”“我不知道,我自我感觉很好”
他接下来要做的是,他们有一个可以给你拍照的摄像机
然后把它和你之前的照片进行比较
他们对此非常强硬,他们非常怀疑
- 他要行动了 - 更多的魅力
与此同时,在我国南部边境
4百万非法移民正在穿越边境
带着卧室设备和床头柜
再次重创他们
而我们正试图合法地重新进入这个国家
他们会问你一些尖锐的问题,比如
“你去哪儿了?你为什么在那里?”
而你开始怀疑自己,比如,“我忘了我为什么会在那里”
"我觉得很高兴,我觉得很高兴"
“是的,感觉...那是一个假期”
"对不起,我去度假了,我不知道为什么"
然后...
然后接下来你就会看到
他们按倒一位85岁拄拐的老太太
听着,如果有一个85岁拄拐的老太太,她是个恐怖分子
那基本上,游戏结束了,伙计们
当他们开始戴橡胶手套时
看着我,我就说“好吧”
“也许我们应该先吃晚饭再做这件事”
你知道,我是说,让我们有真正的安全感
而不仅仅是安全感的幻觉,而且被它分心
- 这就是我要说的 - 哦!是的
我完全支持氢动力汽车
那太奇怪了,因为你有石油公司的支持
- 会轮到你的,道比斯先生 - 对不起
正如我所说的,我和我在参议院的一些同事
想出了一个非常有趣的策略来对付...
但如果你和石油公司在一起
你怎么能谈论燃料效率呢?
我的意思是,这就像一个犹太人去当猪农
他开始生气了
这不是你的脱口秀,道比斯先生
你也不是坐你的私人飞机来参加你的高尔夫度假
与三大石油公司的首脑们在一起,你怎么到那里的?
- 你的氢汽车? - 这是我从未见过的东西
道比斯先生,你必须回到你的讲台上
或者你乘坐的是那架可爱的氦气飞机?
哦,不,那是一架飞艇,我很抱歉,禁止在氢气中吸烟
- 嘣!兴登堡,好吧 - 道比斯先生,拜托
当然,他支持的是氢气,这需要30年的时间来发展
而同时,我们仍然没有得到更多的燃料效率
我们不是在探索像甲烷这样的替代燃料
我知道这很难做到,把那只鸡固定在油箱上,但你知道的
- 或者乙醇,基本上是燃料酒精 - 道比斯先生
是谷物酒精,你可以说,如果我被警察拦下
“我的车在喝酒,不是我,宝贝”
或者氦气,因为如果你有一辆氦气汽车...
如果你有一辆氦气汽车,你就会被追尾,然后你就会知道
“嘿,出了点问题”
道比斯先生,你必须回到你的讲台上
丹尼尔小姐,请维护一下秩序
我们有...
是的,一些秩序,是的,你谈到了责任,你呢?
你们的财政部损失了2800万美元
- 他们无法解释 - 我们已经达成共识...
- 回到你的讲台上 - 他们声称是负责任的
告诉我,告诉我你没有收到来自石油公司的
- 竞选资金的捐款,那你... - 嘣!
我不喜欢你说我是个骗子,道比斯先生
我的基本意思是,如果这是一场辩论,你应该诚实地回答问题
你应该对自己负责
选民应该基本知道你代表什么
如果你代表的是特殊利益集团
也许我们应该像全国汽车比赛协会一样
你知道,我们会穿着西装在参议院
而基本上,他们应该知道如果你得到什么支持
就像全国汽车比赛协会赛车上穿的小补丁一样
它会说,你知道,“万络,背痛结束,心脏病发作开始”
然后我们把大的放在后面,“安然,我们拿了你的钱就跑”
攻击!
问责制,这是关于问责制
我们有一个我们都商定的格式
1亿美元,政府购买了机票
哦,看在上帝的份上,我们真的遇到了麻烦
...但他们是可以退还的
- 3号待命,3号 - ...而他们没有要求退款
- 费斯,你能...费斯,你能听到我吗? - 而航空公司...
是的,你能控制住吗?控制这些!
你没看见吗?我们在交易大规模杀伤性武器
他们按下你的按钮,他们就是这么做的
他说的是氢燃料
他们会说,“他想要一个关于焚烧国旗的宪法修正案”
这是一个情感问题
他们说的是对国旗的亵渎
但如果你现在上网,你可以买国旗内衣
哇
你可以看到一个老妇人,基本上,穿着国旗皮带装,然后说
"哦,奶奶,别告诉我以前的荣耀在哪里"
这都是为了分散注意力
- 道比斯先生 - 道比斯先生
凯洛格先生想通过一项修正案...
道比斯先生,你太过分了
...反对同性婚姻
任何结过婚的人都知道性永远是一样的
- 道比斯先生! - 他们不知道该拿他怎么办
- 这是怎么回事? - 道比斯先生,拜托
这是一种分散注意力,他们指向这里,他们指向那边
他们不想让你知道
你不需要有关于焚烧国旗的宪法修正案
那就用石棉制成,没有人会想要碰这个东西
让别人说话,道比斯先生
道比斯先生,请不要嘲笑这个过程
- 夫人,这是很久以来的笑料... - 回到你的讲台上
- ...在我来之前,费斯 - 道比斯先生!
现在我们得到了掌声,这太棒了
就是这样,我们失去了控制,我们完全失控了
2000亿美元!你可以买几本书!
道比斯先生!
很难说选民会对汤姆.道比斯做如何反应
他不是热狗就是货真价实
他确实让人们意识到一些问题
如果他能坚持到底,他今晚可能会得到一些分数
说得好,凯瑟琳,但你知道吗?
这不仅仅是抽象的搞笑
它非常尖锐,非常切题
他通过他的喜剧表达政治观点
我认为这是难以置信的娱乐
政治的好坏,我们得等着瞧
这很难评估
美国公众将如何回应
不守纪律的汤姆.道比斯的行为表现
上帝,我感觉很好,事实上,我几乎欣喜若狂
原谅我,你能马上去看汤姆吗?他认为他搞砸了
是的,我很兴奋,他认为他搞砸了
谁在乎那些会说话的人是怎么想的?
与众不同就是好的
当我第一次见到你时,就因为你与众不同而喜欢你,新的,是的
你说得太快了,一半时间都听不懂你的话
但是你很新鲜
今天的政客们看起来像是从蜡像馆借来的
他们已经穿上他们的衣服,等待被埋葬
你想和他们一样吗?浪费时间,你想要与众不同
所有的赌注都取消了
你是个不错的候选人,汤姆,尽管看上去很疯狂
- 但... - 什么?
你可以做一个更好的
你还好吗?
- 怎么了? - 我只是有点喘不过气来
送你去医院吧
是他的肺气肿
医生说他有个问题
随着他心脏的扩张,但他很稳定
吸烟和心脏病之间似乎有联系
还是我瞎猜的?
这将是我第一次在没有他的情况下面对观众
你做了你今晚做的事,事情会变得非常有趣
那个老混蛋是对的,看看这个
你必须与众不同才能给人留下深刻的印象,我在那里振作
忘记努力成为总统
你最后看起来就像他们,另一个穿着西装的人
我要玩我的游戏
他们认为我在辩论中很疯狂?
看我接下来的两周
我回来了
道比斯先生,你如何回应米尔斯阵营的指控
关于你因为吸食大麻而被捕?
我肯定,是的,我确实吸了,因为我想
“管他呢?它点燃着,在我手里,我要把它吸进去”
你不否认这些指控?
一点也不,我那时25岁,我有点晕晕乎乎
那时候,除了溜冰鞋之外,我几乎都参与其中
先生,你认为这会影响竞选吗?
并不是的,你想知道我的历史吗?
当我还是个小男孩的时候,我经常看裸体女士的照片
因此,我的右手很强壮
我对自己的影响超过了三垒教练
17岁的时候,我揍了一个人
我21岁的时候,我去找了个妓女
我太差劲了,她竟然给我了退款
我有次剧院相亲时中途离开了
我觉得很糟糕,我娶了她
那是我的前妻,我和她关系不好
我刚刚放了个屁,如果你们还有想问的话
如果你找到任何其他的废话
你想谈谈,我很乐意讨论这个问题
我完全坦白
女士们先生们,现在是竞选的时候了
这将是一场全新的比赛,所以做好准备,伙计们
你厌倦了民主党吗?
是的!
你厌倦了共和党吗
是的!
你是否厌倦了一个什么都不做的国会?
你是否厌倦了多过于
以往两倍的说客?
那么我...我有个主意
不要投票给国会议员或参议员
你不需要投票,因为你知道我们要怎么选他们吗?
不!
就像我们挑选陪审团一样
你会得到一个更有趣的横截面图
比你现在得到的人多
我向你保证
你想要一个更好的医疗系统吗?
你有一个HMO(卫生维护组织)基本上会说
“我们会给你伟哥,但我们不会付钱买眼镜”
所以你可以有勃起,但你看不出把它放在哪里
- 我们要改变它,不是吗? - 是啊!
是啊!现在,我们不仅仅是在谈论自由主义或保守主义
一流的改变
你知道,最近,很多过去的政府官员
说质疑政府是不爱国的
你知道,如果质疑政府是不爱国的
我们仍然是英国人
波士顿茶会,波士顿茶会上的人不会说,“哦,你好”
波士顿的很多人都说,“这里是你的茶,在这儿!”
我厌倦了民主党,我厌倦了共和党
这就是我们所说的,言论自由
这也可以归结为宗教自由的想法
任何时候,任何地点,任何宗教信仰
你可以是任何人,你可以有个愿望
你可以是犹太人和佛教徒
你坐着等着东西打折,没关系
但这就是我们所说的,宗教自由
但宗教偶尔也会发生分歧
有人说,“智能设计,你必须教授智能设计”
看看人类的身体
这是聪明的吗?我觉得这更有趣
你在一个娱乐区旁边有一个废物处理工厂
他们总是攻击环保主义者,说:“你是个环保主义者”
我说:“不,我做的不仅仅是拥抱一棵树”
“如果你找到了合适的下流松树,你会度过一个美好的夜晚”
哦,是的,你的樵夫是谁?谁是你的樵夫?
我不只是个环保主义者,我是空气呼吸机,我很抱歉
这对外面的松鼠来说已经够糟糕的了,“请帮帮我吧”
“我今天喘不过气来”
如果你在水中放了足够多的化学物质,最终你去捕鱼,去吧
“你知道,鲍勃,我喜欢捕捉双头鲈鱼”
“一旦去掉肿瘤,它们就很好吃”
“外面有很多好吃的东西”
厌倦了民主党,现在我厌倦了共和党
但这就是你来这里的原因,因为你想要改变!
是的!你想振作起来,你必须睁大眼睛
准备好继续前进
不断地,手牵手
大家一起前进,因为未来就是现在
哦,是的!是的!
请选择你的语言 英文,西班牙文,中文,日文
提案
凯洛格,米尔斯,多布斯
道比斯 投票
你的选票投完了 谢谢你
- 汤姆,你是最棒的! - 谢谢你
你确定你不想让我们其中一个开车?回芝加哥要8个小时
不,我只想和我的巴里.怀特录音带独处八个小时
汤姆,医生说杰克还是很虚弱
所以他可以在所有结果出来之前先打个瞌睡
有什么新鲜事吗?他过去常在我表演时那样做
嘿,给孟肯买几盒香烟
他们在路上更便宜,你想得真周到
这是我的中间名,同情
选后民意调查非常接近
凯洛格和米尔斯基本打平
道比斯获得了17%的选票
正如你所看到的,凯洛格总统以微弱优势胜于
罗德岛的参议员米尔斯
还有康涅狄格州和马萨诸塞州
但在这三个州,数字都非常接近
你看到这些数字吗?
电脑故障,它以同样的方式发生
看上去凯洛格总统要以微弱优势拿下特拉华州了
你什么意思,它不是计算正确的?
它不是,有点不对劲
这是弗吉尼亚一个不同寻常的转折
现在有87％的选票投入
喜剧演员汤姆.道比斯领先
这会让一些专家感到惊讶
但道比斯的数字自上次辩论以来一直在增加
大多数民调显示他的支持率为10%至11%
所以如果这个投票在弗吉尼亚成立
道比斯会让很多人大吃一惊
是的!
叮咚,你准备好冰镇结肠了吗?
你在这里干什么?
我只是想和一个让我心烦的人共度晚上
弗吉尼亚怎么样?
弗吉尼亚没事,但是黛比,真是个荡妇
这里有一个小小的强化护理包
红酒,好月份
是的
嘿,来点奶酪和馅饼,在心脏病发作后总是很好的
坐
...因为喜剧演员汤姆.道比斯
赢得了新泽西和弗吉尼亚
一个蓝色和一个红色的州
这表明他的理念跨越了政治界线
会很有趣的
你不会赢得这次选举
但至少你没有温和地走进晚安之夜
顺便说一下,从今晚所有的迹象来看
德拉克罗伊投票系统运作得非常好
我们没有听到任何关于在摊位前排长队或其他混乱的事情
这似乎已经解决了过去的一些投票问题
(启示者约翰把他放在电梯里)
(把他带到最高的高度)
(带他到山的顶部停下来)
(让他说出他的谎言)
(启示录约翰他是一个圆滑的操作员)
(该是我们把他降下来的时候了)
- 原谅我 - 嘿,埃莉诺
- 你看过这些数字吗? - 是的,是的
我给你发了电子邮件,我告诉过你我认为系统出了问题
我被告知这个故障仅限于我的电脑
是的
什么?你是说我撒谎?
不,我想说的是这些数字,这些结果
这是我在电子邮件中提到的
你为什么决定测试这个系统?
好吧,我不知道
为什么需要以如此精准的计数运行测试
我不知道
你希望能找到什么?
如果你发现了一个系统错误,你将如何修复它?
我不确定
好吧,看看你的灵魂,问问自己这个问题
你为什么要把电脑测试到这样的极限
如果你发现了问题,剩下的时间可以用来解决问题了吗?
我只是反复检查
你想毁掉这个公司吗?
因为这是你所能做的
你知道后果
你想让一千多名员工失业吗?
是吗?
但选举将是一场骗局
这里,这是一天中明智的选择,人民在投票
有一场选举,民主进程取得了成效
唯一的酸音符是什么?
他们不会和他们投票选出的人一起
成为美国总统
但我们可以庆祝这个过程
我们所珍视的民主进程
将有效,有效地发挥作用
每个人最终都会满意的,除非有人公开
胡乱地,随便地
在这种情况下,民主似乎就在茅坑里了
而明天晚上德拉克罗伊将不存在了
- 现在,这就是你的动机吗? - 不
美国人投票,选择一个领导者
但有一件事可能会扰乱这种美好的景象
我只是想说实话
对合法性的认识比合法性本身更重要
这才是更大的真理
不要搞砸我们的民主,不要破坏我们的生活方式
你想知道每个美国人的内心和灵魂是什么吗?
他们相信自己的选票是有价值的
而现在你想告诉他们那不是真的?
- 但是... - 但是什么?
但选举结果将是错误的
一个候选人会因为电脑错误而获胜
- 他会吗? - 是的 - 我们怎么知道的? - 我告诉你!
基于什么?猜测,听着,这是你的项目,埃莉诺
如果你想在未来的选举中修补它
这不仅是你的特权,我鼓励你
德拉克罗伊投票系统是你的孩子
你是一个完美主义者,祝福你的心灵,我100%支持你
你想让它更完美
但要独自行动,着眼于未来
因为我们感兴趣的是未来,现在已经过去了
据我所知,没有问题
然后呢?
然后
我告诉你,他们似乎喜欢道比斯这家伙
哦,丹尼,拜托
你在说什么?这都是同一个电脑错误的一部分?
是的
我要回家了
好吧,我不知道她是否参加了这个项目,我会告诉你
那么,我的法律顾问有什么建议呢?
我去打个电话
大约一年前做过一些研究,我想
说人们越来越多地听到他们政治新闻
来自雷诺,莱特曼,乔恩.斯图尔特,汤姆.道比斯,还有比尔.马赫
比他们从报纸和实际新闻节目中得到的要多
那就这样吧,我的想法完全正确
也许这是这种趋势的延伸
你别拿我开玩笑了,拜托
它随时都可能上新闻
看来我们要拿下北卡罗来纳州了
What? Oh, and Indiana? You sure?
Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!
And Indiana goes to 道比斯.
(CHEERING)
MATTHEWS: It's just been confirmed that comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has won Arizona.
WOMAN ON TV: If I'm correct,
comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has won every state where he's been on the ballot.
Comedian 汤姆.道比斯 wins the Sunshine State.
So New York wants a comedian as President of the United States.
Comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has been declared the winner...
With 99% of the vote in, comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has won Texas.
The funny man has conquered the Lone Star State.
You know, according to my calculations down here,
comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has got 146 electoral votes.
Right now he's got them.
And there are five more states to be counted where he's on the ballot,
out of the 13 to be counted.
And it's possible, if he takes all five states,
that could put 道比斯 over the top of the 270 needed.
I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility.
Not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.
This is the happiest night of my life, and I can't stay awake.
...have not been holding true. Our exit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.
Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices close to the vest.
Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers,
but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.
In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state
where they've been going one-on-one.
(CLICKS)
They are still confident of an election victory.
汤姆.道比斯 has been gaining momentum since the debate.
Now, right after the debate there was a mixed reaction,
but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him
as a candidate for change. Oh, for God's sake. Where is it?
And he has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers here tonight.
We are now going to go live back to Election Central,
where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?
Hold on to your hats, folks.
汤姆.道比斯...
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
...275 electoral votes.
Comedian 汤姆.道比斯 is the next President of the United States.
MATTHEWS: At 1:23 East Coast time,
comedian 汤姆.道比斯 has been elected President of the United States.
The free world will now be led by a comedian.
Mr. President, Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.
You don't find this a little bit absurd?
Thanks for your honesty.
Always been a big fan of your work, sir.
Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.
Comedy Store to the White House.
WOMAN ON TV: I think we've got to look into the issue of computer fraud.
I mean, we've had problems in other states, Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,
where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy.
Are these computers hackable?
Everyone knows there isn't a paper trail.
It's not the way the 德拉克罗伊 System is set up.
Congress knew that. And let's face it,
the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.
Case closed. End of discussion.
Have you given any thought to what the makeup of your Cabinet might be?
Well, I've looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked.
But I'm hoping for maybe a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That would be lovely.
What was your Vice President's response to this victory?
Well, shocked as the rest of us.
He said, "I guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years."
Can we get back to questions of the Cabinet?
Certainly. My Cabinet will be diverse.
It will include both Republicans and Democrats
and people of no party affiliation.
I want diversity. I believe that democracy is about a collision of ideas.
I'm not of the school that if you're not for us, you're against us.
That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian Cabinet.
They might not accomplish more
but it'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.
Thank you very much, everyone.
We're on our way to Washington and wish us good luck.
It's going to be an adventure and you're all part of it.
Hello!
Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention instead of daydreaming.
Sorry, just give me a cappuccino, please. Sure.
Hey, Angus. Cappuccino here.
Can you see he's busy getting mine right now?
What? I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.
It's really not a big deal, Ellie.
Well, apparently it is 'cause, you know, this is taking forever. It's forever.
Hold your horses.
Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?
What are they called?
Can you please just let me get my cappuccino?
Okay. I didn't realize you were such a bitch.
Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.
Thanks.
Cappuccino? Yes, thanks.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
ELEANOR: Shit.
Shit. Shit.
Eleanor, let me lend you a hand. Shit. I got it.
Just let me take care of it for you. I got it. I got it!
It's no problem. I got it! I got it.
Okay.
I got it. I got it. I got it. Who stole my purse?
Ellie. Ellie, it's right here.
Did you empty out my purse?
Did you touch my things? No.
You touched my things.
I can't believe you touched my things.
Ellie, I didn't touch your things. You touched my things.
What is wrong with you?
He went through my things!
Damn it!
I made a mess.
I've made a mess. I've made such a mess.
I've made such a mess, but it's my mess.
It's my mess, and I'm gonna clean it up. Okay.
I'm gonna clean. My mess.
It's my mess, and I'll clean it.
I'll clean it up. It's my mess.
It's my mess.
WOMAN: Ellie, do you want me to get some help?
My mess.
Can someone call 911?
We have a bit of a deadline.
In terms of appointments, there are roughly 7,000 to 8,000 slots to be filled,
1,500 of which will require Senate confirmation.
Seven to eight thousand? Do we know that many incompetent people?
Well, in LA, maybe.
Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.
Yeah. We have to announce 14 Cabinet Secretary positions or at the very least
begin to float some of your possible choices posthaste.
Just off the top of my head,
I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.
Joke.
A joke. Little one. Little joke.
Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.
I hope this works.
It'll work.
I think.
Thank you. Sorry I'm late. My horse pulled up lame.
Thank you. Nice tie.
President-elect 汤姆.道比斯 paid an impromptu visit to Congress
and literally brought down the House with laughter.
As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left their offices
to see 道比斯' costumed visit firsthand.
That reception you gave me was quite extraordinary
and I will try and be brief because I know Tuesday is bingo day in Congress.
It should be duly noted, Chairman, that this is not a scheduled visit.
It is not on the docket for today. It's not really official.
So no rules have been violated.
It's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.
I also have some disturbing news.
On the way in here, I took a brief poll,
and one-third of Congressmen and women
thought that this was still the present fashion.
The other third thought that I looked like former First Lady, Barbara Bush.
I'm looking at the toxology report here. It's overwhelming.
She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.
道比斯: Historians have written that our founding fathers
were brilliant and courageous men,
but they sometimes made difficult decisions,
sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.
Now, what would they think about us 200 and some years from now?
What will they write about this Congress?
Will they say that you were brave and brilliant?
Courageous?
Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?
We have a lot to live up to. I think we can do it.
I know we can do it.
You can't just say it didn't happen.
When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?
I'm even afraid of Nyquil.
I got a promotion.
They're sending me to Ireland.
Oh, Danny.
What?
They're just trying to pay you off.
They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.
I got to let people know the election's a fraud.
Do you think anybody's gonna believe you?
Sure. Why not?
Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital
and you've been doing drugs?
I don't do drugs. Cocaine, Ellie?
I told you, I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.
Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?
There's been a few problems. Education, health care, inner cities,
infrastructure, environmental issues. That's what's before us.
He will.
I think our legacy will be...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left.
ELEANOR: Okay.
Talk to me, baby. Talk to me.
Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.
Okay.
FBI. FBI.
FBI.
MENKEN: I am now the manager of the President-elect of the United States
and 15% of the President's salary is nothing
compared to what 道比斯 normally makes on a yearly basis.
This is a monetary sacrifice I'm willing to make
since I am now the first show-business manager ever to handle a President.
The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
See why I'm making a living here.
Oh, I wish I could walk.
Oh, man.
Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
I'm Eleanor Green, FBI.
Hi, Eleanor Green, FBI.
Everything all right?
Oh, just fine.
Just fine.
I'm just here just making sure everything's secure.
I probably shouldn't have introduced myself.
I'm sorry, that was out of place.
No, you have to.
Anyway, happy birthday again.
Again? Did another year just pass?
I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.
Except how to be funny.
I can see that.
A put-down from the FBI.
No, I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out that way.
Oh, no, please. It's all right.
You know, he's only annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition.
You want to dance? I don't dance.
Oh, perfect.
MENKEN: They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?
J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.
Fat, but light on his feet.
Could we just talk and not move?
Sure.
So what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?
It's that apparent? Yeah.
You're not concerned? Someone like me crashing the party?
Please. Listen, I've played in clubs for years.
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers and angry waitresses,
one of which is my ex-wife.
But you know, I have an eye for that kind of thing,
and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.
Good.
That's good. Yeah.
Besides, Secret Service already flagged you, and I said you were okay.
Too fast? No, it's fine. No.
So, what do you really do?
Well, I did work for 德拉克罗伊 Voting Systems.
But they had cutbacks. I was laid off.
Laid off? Wow, I thought they were making the big bucks. I mean, that's weird.
Well, it was a small cutback, actually. It was a very small cutback.
Actually, just me.
Oh, so, would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?
Well, if you want to be picky... Oh, picky.
...with words, then yes, then I guess, fired.
Fired would be it.
May I ask why?
Oh, none of my business. It is.
Look, you're having such a good time. I don't want to spoil it. It's...
Excuse me. Tom, you have to do the birthday toast now.
Okay. I'll be right there. Yeah.
Listen, we're staffing up right now, and...
Staffing up? Yeah.
Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.
Okay. That's not why I'm here.
Oh, that's all right, but listen, this is my personal cell.
And you know, if you need anything, you call. Okay?
(CHEERING)
道比斯: Yes!
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
To Jack Menken, a man who once said,
"If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter,
"they both would be alive today."
I'm sorry.
This is a man who is so sensitive, someone once asked,
"What do you think of gay marriage?" And he said,
"I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.
A great manager. A great manager.
Made you a star. Made you the President.
And by doing so, has put me out of work. Yes! God bless him.
God bless Jack Menken!
Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself
So I'm gonna let it do all the talking
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree
Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me
Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me
(PHONE RINGING)
ELEANOR: Danny, hi.
Hey, where the hell are you?
Are you alone? This is your cell phone, right?
Yeah, why? What's going on?
Paranoid, I guess. I got a chance to meet him. 道比斯.
(DANNY SIGHS)
You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...
No, but he should know, don't you think?
Let it go. Just put it behind you, okay?
Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.
Listen, is anyone trying to figure out what happened with the system?
I'm just curious.
I don't know. You know, I mean, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.
I think they'd be going through their private channels for that sort of thing.
You know how that goes.
Ellie?
Good night, Danny.
WOMAN: James Hemmings' office.
ON PHONE: Yes, is Mr. Hemmings in? This is 汤姆.道比斯.
Just a minute.
Mmm-hmm?
ON INTERCOM: It's a 汤姆.道比斯.
Is that the 汤姆.道比斯, President-elect 道比斯?
Well, did you ask?
No, I was too embarrassed to.
All right.
James Hemmings.
James, 汤姆.道比斯, President-elect.
Yes, sir. Yeah, of course.
I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?
Yep.
Is something wrong? I need some information.
It's strictly confidential. Just between you and me.
Yeah, I mean, well, you know, where do I begin?
Well, I know that she was fired by 德拉克罗伊.
Look, I'm a little confused. Is she... Is she applying for a job with you?
No. Did you meet with her personally?
Yes. That's how I knew that she was a 德拉克罗伊 employee
and that she was fired by your company.
Yeah, yeah. Did... Did she add to that?
Add what?
Did she mention that she had a very, very bad drug problem?
She had a breakdown here. She had to be hospitalized.
No, she didn't mention that.
HEMMINGS: Yeah, yeah, that's why I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.
It's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.
You know how I might reach her? You know how I can reach her?
I guess we both have a problem in that area.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look, if I hear anything, I'll contact you.
德拉克罗伊 Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market,
which will invest in their successful computer voting system.
With this announcement, 德拉克罗伊 stock has jumped 37% on the big board.
WOMAN ON TV: Come on!
"S."
HOST: Yeah, there are two of them. All right.
$900. MAN ON TV: "N."
Yeah, two "N's." That'll get you on the board with $1,800.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
$800. WOMAN: "L."
Yeah, there are two of them. You have almost $3,000 now.
I'd like to buy a vowel. Yeah.
I'd like to buy an "I." Well, there are two "I's."
This would be a good time to find a letter.
"M."
Or three. Yes.
Double "G's" before double "L's."
Double "B's" before double "G's."
Yes! Yes!
Double "G's" before double "L's."
Double "B's" before double "G's".
It's alphabetical.
Okay, you mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?
Evidently not. That's smart.
Her ID's showing up on the access logs.
She's been in the mainframe and poking around the code depository.
Do we know where she is?
Not yet, but we will.
DE NIRO ON TV: What's the matter?
You know what's the matter. I'm unhappy.
You're unhappy about what?
What do you think I'm unhappy about?
You agreed to play the turkey. I never agreed.
You know, it's not a big deal. All you do is cluck, cluck, cluck...
First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, okay?
And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?
You want me to be the turkey? Yeah, come on.
You want me to be the turkey? Yeah.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING) (CELL PHONE RINGING)
ON PHONE: Tom here. ELEANOR: Hi.
Eleanor, is that you? Yes.
How do you turn the music down?
We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.
Can I pick you up?
An outing?
No, I had something I had to tell you.
Good, good. Give me an address.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES BLARING)
Eleanor! We're going paintballing.
I brought you some camouflage and thermals
because it's gonna be cold up there.
Follow me, men.
What? Cold.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)
(YELLS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Damn, I can't believe it.
Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God.
道比斯: You all right?
I'm out. Well, thank God.
I'm out of ammo!
The President-elect's just been shot. He's dead. Let's go round them up.
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends.
That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.
Did that hurt? Yeah.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey, Tom, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
We have to walk away from those with listening devices.
Do they have listening devices?
No, they can't hear you. Well, they hear each other, but not us.
Okay. Yeah.
Because I haven't been...
I haven't been forthright with you about certain things. Maybe forthright...
God. Forthright isn't
the word I'm looking for.
Maybe I haven't disclosed enough and that really isn't easy for me especially,
now that I know you on, I mean, not...
Okay, I don't know you. I mean, I know you...
No, I know you because you're 汤姆.道比斯. I know you,
but I don't really know you and...
Well, you know, you got a lot of setup here. All right, you don't need that much.
You know, it's too much of a lead-in, just the punch line.
You're going to be President of the United States.
Yeah.
Maybe that's not so bad. I hope.
Yeah.
Oh, God. I worked at 德拉克罗伊. And I worked so hard.
Yeah. And I cared. I cared so much.
And I am so full of guilt. I can make this a lot easier for you.
What do you mean? How?
Well, I called Hemming at 德拉克罗伊.
What? Yeah.
Well, you know, I wanted to find you, and I remember
you said you worked at 德拉克罗伊, and I wanted to see you.
You did?
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Wow.
God. That's good.
Yeah, good, not so good, you know? No, it's good.
Well, he told me about your drug problem, and... Yeah.
Oh, no. No.
No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem. Whatever. It's all right.
I do not have a drug problem. It's okay, it doesn't bother me.
Hey Tom, I hate to interrupt,
but the Secret Service wants you out of here by dark.
By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.
I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.
We'll talk about it later. Honestly. It's okay.
There is no drug problem.
That's all I need to know. I don't think you have it...
There's a lot to discuss here. Yeah, I think, well, whatever...
I don't know. That just doesn't look clear to me.
What do you think? Like, another 30 minutes?
Yeah, maybe.
The wing is still... Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
We may have a problem here.
I like it crispy. I like a nice, crunchy skin.
I know, Menken, I know you do.
Just want to make myself heard. You've been heard.
I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.
I know what I'm talking about. Yes, you have.
Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.
Look, Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill.
The place is empty. How do you get people in their seats? That's crazy.
These people have things to do. Like?
Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.
They've got trips that the lobbyists have sent them on.
Oh, right. They've got to go do TV shows
to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.
This makes golf look like porn.
Shouldn't you be giving that up?
Did you know there were once ads
that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?
Come on, you're kidding me.
Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
Said they were good for you.
There was one slogan, before my time, "Not a cough in the carload."
It's a little too late now.
I'm sorry.
(道比斯 WHISTLES QUIETLY)
You like our 汤姆.道比斯, do you?
Unfortunately, I do.
I see that.
(FRENCH SONG PLAYING)
(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
I have to talk to you in private.
Now? Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks.
You've got a great group.
Ellie, whatever your problem is...
What? You can fix my problem?
Is this the President-elect speaking or just 汤姆.道比斯, the comedian?
Just 汤姆.道比斯. Good.
Because 汤姆.道比斯 is not the elected President of the United States.
There, I've said it. Kill me.
It's true.
There was a problem with the computer voting system. I tried to warn them.
And it's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.
I didn't win? Not even close.
Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do?
I don't know. I just... I had to say it.
I've been living with this. And I just had to tell you.
You want to go public with this?
Well, I can't. I mean, I could, but I mean, nobody would believe me.
I mean, not anymore.
I mean, but somebody has to know. Somebody, at least you.
I mean, I don't know. You know... Look, I don't know.
Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States,
even if they didn't vote for you. I don't know.
Out of curiosity,
did you vote for me?
No. I don't vote.
I mean, to be honest with you, I don't vote.
I mean, politicians will say anything in the world to get elected.
I mean, maybe I'm just too jaded.
I mean, honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.
I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.
I've got to talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me. Come on.
No, I can't. Why not?
I can't. Come on.
Tom, I can't. Why?
I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.
Happy Thanksgiving.
MENKEN: Something wrong?
You guys have a fight?
She knows a lot about computers, more than you ever want to know, really.
Should I be impressed?
It's kind of improbable, me winning the election.
Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction
"is that fiction needs to be credible."
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.
She just told me I didn't win the election. Whoops.
Computer malfunction.
She knows this for sure?
Yeah.
She tried to warn the 德拉克罗伊 Company
and they hid it. A little bad for business.
You don't believe her, do you? I do.
It's true.
I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?
Hard to believe all those years that many people watched JAG.
I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?"
Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
She knows what she's talking about.
That's debatable.
So what's she gonna do?
Nothing. She left it up to me.
Leaving it to you. Well, 德拉克罗伊 is not gonna say anything.
She's not gonna say anything. So,
there's no problem. No problem?
We move on. Oh, like nothing happened?
Something like that.
You know, if you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it,
the joke still stinks.
I'm President, but not really.
This is where we are.
You want to throw it away or go for it?
I never told you which gigs to take. I only advised,
but to me, this decision is a slam dunk.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING)
ELEANOR: Tom?
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00 I'm going to have a press conference,
and tell the American people
that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.
I'm so sorry.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Danny, I told him.
DANNY: Why did you tell him?
God, I had to, and now I hate myself.
Does he believe you?
ELEANOR: He's calling a press conference tomorrow. At 11:00 tomorrow morning,
he's going to make the whole thing known.
Oh shit. Look what you did.
I wish I hadn't told him.
I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing.
It was the right thing to do. And yet... And yet,
maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?
I mean, did I do the right thing or did I do the wrong thing?
I know it's the right thing to do, and then why do I feel like this?
We've got to pre-empt his press conference.
And very early tomorrow morning.
All right. Yeah.
Press conference set up? What the hell's going on? Yeah.
Okay.
Jack! Jack!
Got a reporter says 德拉克罗伊 is going to make a major announcement.
It's a big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.
WEATHERMAN ON TV: Well, this is what we've got going on today.
They're called the witches of November.
A winter storm pushing in from the Great Lakes. That's going to spread in
one to three inches of snow right across the DC area.
Now, I don't think there's any more than that.
Not a lot of moisture here. You can see it.
It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's going to move up quite quickly...
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news.
We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.
Recently, 德拉克罗伊 had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,
who was suffering severe psychological problems.
We made an effort to get her medical help and subsequently discovered
that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.
We would have kept this information private, but additional facts
concerning Miss Green have come to light.
We have evidence that Miss Green
manipulated the prototype of our computer voting system.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Tom here.
Turn on the television.
What channel? Any channel.
STEWART: Her motives aren't quite clear to us,
apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with 汤姆.道比斯,
to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt
the computer system to get him elected.
We also know that the President-elect has been seen in her presence recently.
We'd like to make this very clear. We're not suggesting that there was any impropriety
on behalf of the President-elect,
other than the fact that he knows this woman.
Pull over.
We're a family at 德拉克罗伊.
We have an extensive health care program
and lots of people have psychological problems,
mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.
It's not something you should sweep under the rug. You gotta talk about it.
We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to
find out about it as soon as possible and to give help.
The good news is all the computer voting systems installed
at the polling stations throughout the United States remain secure.
Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election,
and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.
And that's all the information that we have at this time.
I'll take any questions now if you got them. Yes?
Take a look at this. Take a look at this. Perfect, just perfect.
She's a piece of work, huh?
Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs,
clearly a mental case, hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.
I believe her.
She didn't seem that crazy to me. MENKEN: You're in love with her.
She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her.
Take a look at this. Take a look.
If what she says is true, I'm really not the President-elect.
"If" is becoming a very large word.
Did you forget? The first time we met her she said she was working for the FBI.
She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you?
Oh, by the way, you're not the President and Happy Thanksgiving.
If she's not psychotic, she's a stalker.
And if she's not a stalker, she's a CIA operative.
Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus. What's that?
A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.
I was once a healthy man.
What are you talking about? Please, stop.
Don't get off track.
Can I get change for this, please? My dollar won't work in your machine.
You're that Miss Green from the television.
I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.
Did your uncle get hold of you? What?
Your uncle. He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.
By the way, that machine doesn't work.
Yes, sir... Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.
I think she may have figured out the glitch.
Bring it back. Bring her back. I want constant updates.
AGENT: Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.
Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch,
and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.
Mr. President, you have that luncheon speech,
followed by a White House meet and greet.
What do I do? Go be presidential.
(SIRENS BLARING)
(CLAMORING)
REPORTER: Will your speech today give us any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?
Jack, I've been trying to call her, but I can't reach her.
MENKEN: You have a busy schedule, keep...
Oh, that's terrific.
Saturday Night Live wants you on "Weekend Update." What do you think?
Did I hear Saturday Night Live? Yeah.
Do it. Why?
Because it's a great opportunity.
You talk about how you were blinded by love.
You didn't know she was secretly popping pills.
It isn't like you were on some side street getting head, like Hugh what's-his-name.
You're so sensitive.
Okay, I'll do it.
Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details.
It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've gathered together,
but nonetheless, we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us.
LANGSTON: I wrote down some lines for you.
They're fantastic, if I must say so.
I even threw in an old Hitler joke.
How's that supposed to work? Oh, you'll see.
汤姆.道比斯.
Knock 'em dead.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you very much.
I guess we should get this over with at the beginning
because you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumor going around right now.
So I'll share the big scoop with you because Oprah was booked.
I'm not even President of the United States yet,
and I am involved in a scandal with a woman.
I did not have sex with that woman.
I wanted to. I'm single.
And you've elected a man as President who is probably
the unluckiest man in the world in that area.
In high school, most of my dates were with myself.
I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home,
put on music that I liked,
have my way with myself, and then go,
"Should I drive myself home now?"
Pretty much the bottom line. I guess if I was in Italy, I might get lucky.
I mean, they elected an Italian porn star to their Senate,
which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters,
and incredible downloads.
I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,
we can have a certain sense of humor about ourselves. We have to.
You're allowed to make fun of those in power.
But even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy.
These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler.
They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30.
They're there with guns, bombs, knives.
12:30, no Hitler.
12:45, no Hitler.
1:00, no Hitler.
Finally, one turns to the other and goes,
"My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
It's good to see us back again. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful.
The last few years, we've been divided, though.
Red states, blue states.
There are no red states and blue states. There's only the United States of America.
That's what we're about.
That's why I say you can't spend $200 million on a campaign,
and not be owing people something.
And the next thing you know, they have to deal with the special interests.
And next thing you know, they're doing special favors for special people,
and not dealing with what you need.
Education, health care, environmental issues.
They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies.
And they owe them. And in the process, people get neglected.
The poor have no advocate because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.
The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor,"
not, "Your wealthy, your gifted, and your endowed."
I worked out your bit with SNL. They really liked it.
Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet? No.
She hasn't called me, either. Well, you never know with females.
I had an ex who used to do enough tranquilizers
to put a small flock of sheep to sleep. Why?
Well, mostly, she said it made the sex with me more bearable.
Eleanor didn't do drugs. Oh, no.
And ballplayers don't do steroids.
They just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.
Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.
With little tiny balls.
AIDE: Now remember, this is a meet and greet and nothing more.
道比斯: I know. The house is so close to the street.
Whoa, boy, that's a desk.
I mean, I've never really sat behind a desk before.
I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. But this...
Where do you do your writing?
Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar or a restaurant.
Well, there's a lot of history to this desk.
I remember the first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill.
Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here.
Please. Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me, Mr. President.
Hello? ELEANOR: Tom? Tom?
Eleanor, hold on.
Mr. President, I'll just be a minute. Thank you.
Tom, two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do.
Who? Who are they?
They're connected with 德拉克罗伊. I think they know I broke the code.
Code? What code?
I figured out what caused the computer glitch.
Where are you now?
I'm in a shopping mall. Shopping?
No, I'm not shopping. Well, why are you there?
I just... I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.
Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.
Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President.
What?
I'm with the President of the United States in the Oval Office.
You're with the President? You're in the Oval Office?
Well, Tom, I just don't know... I don't know what to do. I'm afraid... Hello?
Tom? Hello? Hello?
Hello.
Sorry, sir.
Wow.
It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.
By the way, Mr. 道比斯, I never thought you had a chance.
I underestimated you.
Well, just between you and me, Mr. President,
you didn't underestimate me at all.
Really? Why?
Oh, but that's so weird. I never said anything to him.
No, he said stuff to me. Oh, like, what am I gonna say back?
But... Hold on a sec.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I need a charger for this cell phone,
something I can plug into my cigarette lighter.
We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?
Well, it's not like it's a relic. It's a year old.
Well, there is a problem. It's a year old.
Mr. Stewart would like to see you at 德拉克罗伊.
Why does he want to see me?
He just wants to sit down and talk to you.
Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.
You figured out the computer glitch and you should be paid for your work.
The 德拉克罗伊 jet is waiting at the private air terminal.
I got her.
Get in.
(GROANS)
Shit.
Yeah. I'm tracking her on her GPS.
Yes. First opportunity I get, I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.
I just got off the phone with the FBI.
They'll confirm that you had no contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election.
So that gets you off the hook,
in terms of you being involved in any attempt to fix the election.
AIDE: Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier.
There's a storm front moving in.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm going to be heading on.
Why so soon?
Well, Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable.
Will you be disappointed to go back to television after this ride?
LANGSTON: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
AIDE: How so? LANGSTON: TV scares me.
It makes everything seem credible.
But why is that so bad?
Well, if everything seems credible, then nothing seems credible.
You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.
On one side, there's the certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened.
And next to him is this noted, honored historian
who knows all about the Holocaust.
And now, there they sit, side by side. They look like equals.
Everything they say seems to be credible.
And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.
We just stop listening.
In the Times today, 60% of the voters would have voted for 道比斯
if they could have. LANGSTON: Well, yeah.
He sounds different. That's why they can hear him.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
My cell phone died and some guy is after me.
I thought two guys were after you?
No, this is someone else.
Who?
I assume that he's from 德拉克罗伊. He has a pickup truck.
Eleanor, I think you need help.
He tried to abduct me from the mall.
From the mall. Okay.
Look, I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out.
She's in a phone booth off Route 173.
You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double "L's,"
but Kellogg trumps him with double "G's," and you trump him with double "B's."
I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you?
I don't know. I don't know... I don't know where I am.
It's dark. There's a factory.
I see a Christmas tree.
I don't know. I don't know where I am.
What do you want me to do now, sir?
STEWART: I'm willing to offer her big money, big money.
She's running away now?
Why is she running away? She's impossible.
I don't know who she's talking to. I don't know what she's saying.
All right. Go to the airport. You go to BWI private terminal.
There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane,
I'll take you to New York, and we'll solve your problem, okay?
Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport.
All right, I'll try. I'll try and get there. I'll look in my GPS or something.
Hello? Eleanor?
MAN ON TV: We have breaking news now.
We do know there has been a very serious traffic accident.
It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway,
just where it meets Route 495, and that is the Capital Beltway.
And there has been one serious injury. We have been talking to police.
They have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.
Oh, my God.
And yes, if that name sounds familiar to you, it is the same Eleanor Green...
Menken! You have to see this!
Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.
Not now, please. Excuse me.
Are you with the ambulance? Yes, sir.
Eleanor Green? She's in stable condition.
Thank you.
Not now.
Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess?
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh.
Apparently, he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.
Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.
There's time.
ELEANOR: Double "B."
Double "L," double "G," double "B."
Double "L," double "G."
道比斯: They are trying to discredit her.
She's not psychotic, okay?
I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.
MENKEN: Last night you were willing to give it all up. Now you want to do it again.
Listen to me. Police said a truck went out of control.
I'm trying to tell you that she was trying to tell me something.
It was snowing.
She said she knew what the computer glitch was.
And the way she is right now, it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.
Where's the proof, some proof? Give me something,
something to justify what she's saying.
We don't have time to keep playing this game.
She was trying to explain it to me, but it didn't make any sense.
She kept saying, "Double 'B,' double 'G,' double 'L.'"
It's like a code, but I don't know what it means.
Whatever the hell happened, we're never gonna know for sure.
Only one thing remains true. You're the President.
You're either getting on that plane or not.
Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.
Nothing can change that. No one can, except you.
You coming?
ANNOUNCER: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center,
it's "Weekend Update" with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.
I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.
A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair,
died this week of heart complications.
Tragically, he would still be alive,
but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.
(LAUGHTER)
A German filmmaker is planning to make a comedy about Adolf Hitler.
Hey, I just went through the cue cards and I'm telling you, you're gonna kill.
You know, it's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.
And you do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes,
and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?
All right. You can go on and be President.
(LANGSTON LAUGHING)
Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington
as he looked at age 19,
while 汤姆.道比斯 has recreated how Thomas Jefferson would have looked
if he were crazy.
POEHLER: University researchers have set up a Google-backed program
to track spyware, adware, and other bad-ware back to its source.
And when the source is finally identified, 汤姆.道比斯 will sleep with it.
(LAUGHTER)
FEY: A new report suggests that more species of birds
mate for life than previously believed,
while other species only mate for votes.
This week, 汤姆.道比斯 met with his presidential transition team
who briefed him on the day-to-day activities of the Oval Office.
However, 道比斯 became upset when he learned that Monday
would no longer be re-runs.
I heard that!
Who said that?
(PRESIDENTIAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Do we have a special guest?
What?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
President-elect 汤姆.道比斯.
Wow.
道比斯: Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.
I always wanted to say that, sounds like Bob Hope. "Thought I'd drop by."
Thank you so much for coming. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
Lovely, thank you.
Well. Now listen, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day.
That was quite flattering.
Those wigs, it's kind of nice. I love the buckled shoe, though.
It's, you know, part pimp, part pilgrim.
You can either get off th Mayflower or have four girls in a Cadillac.
They love him. That's nice. Yeah, it's working like a charm.
I'm thinking, and this is just out loud,
that I should go with some Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little...
Lift your ass. Lift... Lift the ass.
Next time, I want to go stilettos, something crazy.
Manolo.
Now, I'm pleased that the FBI cleared up any suspicion
that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.
Not at all. No. Good.
So, I guess that absolves you of any kind of conspiratorial thing,
that you fixed the election. Right
So, what do you make of this woman's obsession with you?
Well, Tina, I have just one question for you.
Is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?
Well... Well, by your pause, I understand.
Because I think, you know, a woman could be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt,
hello, and you could say, Angelina. I could be obsessed with Angelina.
I just want to wet her lips and just stick her to something.
And also you could say obsessed with rock and roll stars, you know.
It's like women rushing the stage, fainting.
It was for Elvis, for the Beatles,
for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby."
But women don't rush the stage for comedians.
I mean, they basically...
If they throw their panties on the stage for me,
it's because they want them fluffed and folded and back by Friday.
I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once, but...
'Cause I thought she needed a pair.
道比斯: God bless.
I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.
POEHLER: That's a good re-write.
"Good night, good luck." That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.
But I mean, for me, I have to think, here's the basic thing.
I mean, how plausible is it that a woman would fix an election
because she's obsessed with me? I mean, where's the hanging chad?
Where's the governor of the state being your brother?
Where's the Supreme Court ruling against the voter? Come on.
Where's the conspiracy in that? None, really.
And here's the real question you're asked to ask.
It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?
What is the real answer?
道比斯: Thank you for picking that one up.
Where's he going with this?
The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me
that there was a computer glitch in the 德拉克罗伊 computer voting systems.
She warned the chief executive of 德拉克罗伊, James Hemmings,
but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.
It's not good for the stock offering, really.
The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.
Bottom line is it was a computer error. Not fraud, but a faulty program.
HAL decided it liked me.
Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting
and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check.
It kind of overwhelmed me. I...
I sat there and went, "Wait a minute, I'm a jester."
A jester doesn't rule the kingdom. He makes fun of the king.
And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,
I could be the President of the United States.
I thought I was President of the United States until Eleanor talked to me.
It's... I know it's... We're not on book anymore
and the cue-card guy is going...
POEHLER: No, we just usually do fake news and jokes.
We don't usually have real news
and non-jokes.
So watch out, Oprah,
'cause we gonna go real, girl.
But here's the deal, a lot of you voted for me or at least some of you.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo,
but you were voting for change for the sake of change.
And, you know, listen, you could vote for someone better than me.
You can do a lot better than me.
You can do a lot better than most of the politicians you've elected recently.
And definitely, don't put your 费斯 in a machine
that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.
So you don't want to be a part of the re-election?
Oh, no, no, please, no, no, no, no. That's not a stage I belong on.
This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the "funk" in "dysfunctional."
Mark Twain said, "Irreverence is basically the champion of liberty,
"if not its only defender."
That's what we're there... We're there to kind of shake it up
and that's what we got to do.
How many of you think the educational system is working?
(GIRL WHOOPING)
One girl. Thank you.
"I learned to read."
Do you realize that 40% of American high school graduates
think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?
So, 汤姆.道比斯 walked away from being the President of the United States.
Okay, so he wasn't really elected,
but if he hadn't told anyone...
We going to send some shout-out right now!
MENKEN: Shortly thereafter, 汤姆.道比斯 went back to his political comedy show.
I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise, going, "I love her!"
MENKEN: He was bigger than ever.
Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.
I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it Crop Suckers Is that offensive?
Not to me.
(CHEERING)
Nothing but the best!
ELEANOR: Yeah?
Hey. Hi.
Like some company?
I left the nightlight on.
MENKEN: Eleanor became his producer,
and close companion,
lover. Later his wife.
The two 德拉克罗伊 executives were arrested and later convicted,
because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct.
For those of you who are actually thinking of getting breast implants,
I have something new I want you to try.
A lot of people... They get the large ones. Those are lovely.
Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.
I think that's about the same. We're pretty easily amused. We'll be...
You realize that's what it is for us? We're like cats.
Also, remember the best birth control,
ladies, the best birth control and the cheapest is simply this...
MENKEN: As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in re-election,
and in his second term was better than any of us would have expected.
Not great, but better.
Maybe 汤姆.道比斯 had something to do with it. Who knows?
But I like to think
that one thing does lead to another.
Remember this, ladies and gentlemen.
It's an old phrase, basically anonymous,
but politicians are a lot like diapers.
They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.
Keep that in mind next time you vote. Good night.
(APPLAUSE)