Vema!
Please tell me you bring good news.
The flagship of the Vulvian empire
is in orbit, your highness.
And it's been met by our fleet.
I have been told that Empress Krella is on board
and is currently being shuttled to the surface.
She should be at her palace within the hour.
Thank the blessed Hagus.
Once we have signed the treaty with Krella,
we will finally gain access to their technology
and be able to stop these terrible storms, which are
nearly destroying our planet.
What do you know about this Empress Krella?
Can she be trusted?
Well, she controls a vast empire
in this part of the galaxy.
That is enough.
Yes, but how does she control it?
I mean, surely you've heard the rumors of her sexual appetites.
I have heard.
They say she has body like Bandarian snerf herder.
And knows how to use it.
It is intriguing.
I've even heard rumors of her finding creatures
in faraway galaxies that do not look like us.
What do you mean not like us?
It's been said that she's found species that resemble us
in some form, but have no breasts,
and a third leg between the other two.
Really?
For what use would be such a leg?
Enough of this, my lady.
I do not trust the Vulvians.
I find it very disturbing that they contact us
about new technology so soon after this planetary shift that
has caused these devastating storms.
You are too suspicious, Vema, which suits your position,
I suppose.
And you are far too trusting, my lady.
I mean, if I weren't here to protect you...
But you are, and always will be.
Thank you, my lady.
Thank you, my love.
Yes, Vema.
Oh, yeah.
We will go to the chamber of Princess Farra.
Send orders up to the fleet.
Commence the attack.
Let the invasion begin.
As you wish.
Yes?
Lieutenant Vema, this is Captain
Samar of the space fleet.
We're under attack!
What?
Oh, no.
Who is it?
Is the delegation of the Vulvian empire safe?
The Vulvian empire are the ones attacking!
I knew they couldn't be trusted.
What are we to do?
I must get you to safety immediately, your highness.
But my people!
You'll do them no good dead.
But...
Farra, please.
We must flee.
Captain, hold them off as long as possible.
I'm taking the princess aboard the royal fighter for safety.
Good luck, captain.
Come on, your highness.
Be prepared for the worst, your highness.
I'm not sure we'll make it through the blockade
of Vulvian ships.
The Vulvians always were pretty impregnable.
Do your best.
We've got them on our tail!
I see it.
Hold on.
Well done, Vema.
We're not out of the woods yet.
We made it through the fleet.
Now we got a straggler after us.
Look over there!
Perfect!
Careful!
These things could put an eye out, you know.
I'm doing my best.
You did it.
Don't celebrate quite so fast.
What is it?
I mean, there's no place to go in this quadrant
to hide from the reach of Empress Krella.
You're not suggesting...
I am.
We have to use the hyper-drive to get out of this quadrant
and away from Krella.
That takes us into an unexplored region of space!
A virgin territory.
On the upside, Krella hasn't explored it either.
From what I've heard, it's the only thing in this universe
she hasn't explored.
It's your decision, your highness.
Do it.
Where is she?
We were told that she would be here!
She couldn't have escaped!
I must have her, Tharis.
The moment I saw princess Farra's beauty,
I knew that I must have her.
I will have her!
Yes, Empress.
The thought that there exists a creature
like this in the universe that I haven't tamed.
Surely, there are others just as beautiful.
Nonsense!
All others pale in comparison.
All others?
Find her, damn you!
Commander Tharis to Vulvian fleet.
Status report.
That's her.
Track them!
Prepare my ship.
We are going to go after the princess.
Oh no.
What is it?
Be prepared.
What's wrong?
It's the fromets.
It's never been designed to be used at maximum speed
for so long before.
Is that bad?
Not good.
We dropped out of warp.
The engines, they're failing.
What can we do?
There's a planet nearby.
We're going to try to land.
Doggone it, Bessie.
If I get you runnin again, I'm gonna have to take
you straight to the junkyard.
This is the fifth time this month
you have broke down on me.
What the heck?
What the hell is that?
I better call this in.
I want to talk to the county Sheriff.
I wanna report a...
Well, I don't know what I saw.
Are you uninjured my lady?
Yes, I'm fine.
But what about the ship?
The damages seem to be somewhat minor.
If we can find a replacement fromets
she'll be able to fly again.
This looks like such a primitive planet.
Do you think we will be able to find fromets here?
I'm not sure.
I did detect population here on my instrument.
But...
But... but what?
You must be strong, your highness.
Before my instruments went out, I also detected
a Vulvian craft in pursuit.
Oh, no.
We must be vigilant.
Come.
We must find civilization as soon as possible.
This way.
I don't really care if you believe me or not.
I don't expect you to take my word for it.
OK?
The proof is out there, if you were just
intelligent enough to see it.
No.
I don't work at the university at the moment.
Yes, but... but that's just because they
were so short-sighted.
Extreme is the word they used to describe some of my theories.
Look.
I'm close to finding conclusive proof that'll
show those eggheads over at the University
that what I've been saying all along is the truth.
What the... look, Mom.
I'm going to have to call you back.
This is it.
An actual UFO.
This is my chance to prove that I've been right all along.
Are you the gentleman that called?
Yes, sir.
My name is Mark Grabowski.
I'm agent Smith.
This is agent Jones.
Well, I sure am pleased to meet you.
Just tell us what you saw, Mr. Grabowski.
Well, you can call me Mark if you want to.
Well, I was standing over there.
See?
And I was trying to get ol' Bessie started.
Usually, she's real reliable.
But you know, she's getting kind of old.
And, you know, you get a little old,
you get cranky, and you get stubborn.
So I stick my key in her, and she's going, woo, woo, woo.
Please, sir.
Just tell us what you saw.
I'm sorry, agent Smith.
I'm Jones.
She's Smith.
Well, I thought you said you was...
Well, anyway, I was standing over here.
And I hear this noise like a...
Like a...
It's right overhead.
And I look over, and I seen a space ship
coming right over them trees.
It landed in them hills over yonder.
A spaceship?
Yes ma'am.
Can you tell us what it looked like?
Was it shaped like a cigar with pulsating lights?
Oh, no.
I can't say it was.
It was more like a...
You know, kind of like a circle, like a... like a cylinder.
In fact, truth be told, it looked kind of like one
of my old moonshine stills.
Excuse us a moment, would you sir?
Well certainly, agent Smith.
I'm Jones.
He's Smith.
This is ridiculous.
The guy's obviously some backwoods
lush who had a few too many and thought he saw something.
I'm not so sure.
This one might actually have merit.
You heard the way he described the ship.
Yeah.
Like his still.
Come on.
You can still smell the alcohol on his breath.
I think it's worth checking out.
What's the harm in taking a little hike up
into those hills?
See if there's anything there.
If not, we chalk it up to just another unreliable sighting.
In any case, it gets me into the woods alone with you.
Enough!
If you want to go check out this drunk's claim, then fine.
But let me tell you something, Smitty.
Once you get me up into those hills alone,
you'd better keep it in your pants.
I've told you no 1,000 times.
And I don't want to have to tell you again.
It's not ever going to happen.
OK.
You keep playing this hard-to-get act,
I'm going to start thinking you're not interested.
Are you two going to go up there and investigate that?
You want me to go with you?
That's not necessary, sir.
I suggest that you get out of the area.
We'll contact you if we need anything further.
All right then, agent...
Agent.
I'll just... I'll wait here.
How much farther, Vema?
I haven't had to walk this far since the plumbing
got out upstairs and I had to go downstairs for shower.
Not much further, your highness.
In fact, there it is!
The first signs of civilization.
It isn't much to look at, is it?
If this is the best they have to offer, we are surely doomed.
Fear nothing, my lady.
You are safe in my care.
Thank you, Vema.
Hold it right there.
By the sons of Byfrexia, what manner of creature is this?
I'm not certain, your highness.
It appears to be bipedal.
It has two eyes, a nose, and a mouth.
Well, he's like some malformed version of a human.
Could this be one of the creatures Krella discovered?
The one with the third leg.
I see no third leg.
Although it does not have breasts.
Very odd.
Yet, there is something intriguing about it.
Oh, your highness.
Please tell me you're not serious.
Let's take it inside.
Very well.
Vema, look.
Is this a fromets?
I'm afraid not.
It has the same shape, but no movable parts.
Perhaps this creature can help us.
I doubt that.
It doesn't look very intelligent.
Does it?
We should try.
Unfreeze him.
Your highness.
Unfreeze him now!
Yes ma'am.
What the hell is...
Who the hell are you?
You are addressing her royal highness,
Princess Farra from Byfrexia.
And you will show respect.
Well, la di da.
Sorry I don't know nothing about that respect stuff,
but I don't take too kindly to trespassers.
You just stay right where you are.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
You guys are from another planet.
Indeed.
What sort of creature are you?
You are quite different from us.
Well, I'm...
I'm a man.
A man?
Yeah, man.
Don't you guys have men where you come from?
We most certainly do not.
You guys don't know what you're missing.
I can't imagine you would possibly
have anything I could want.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Vema, I want you to do a search of the perimeter.
Your highness.
You heard me.
You said yourself that the Vulvian
ships were following us.
Who knows how long before Vulvian troopers
could be surrounding us.
Please go check now.
But I can't possibly leave you with this...
This creature.
I'll be fine.
Yeah.
She'll be fine.
Very well.
Don't you dare lay a hand on her royal head.
We've heard rumors on our planet
of creatures such as yourself.
However, we were told you were possessed of a third leg.
I see no evidence of that.
Well, darling, you just gotta give me a chance.
Oh, yeah.
Empress Krella.
Why have we stopped?
Speak!
We have been tracking Farra's ship,
and the signal has come to rest on the planet below.
Excellent.
Now we have her.
You will transport yourself down to the planet immediately.
And you will bring the princess back to me.
As you wish.
And commander, you will bring her back to me unharmed.
Of course.
Soon, Farra, you will be mine!
Oh my god.
I knew it.
I have arrived at the crash site.
And it's definitely an alien craft of some kind.
There appears to be radiation, but it's some kind I don't
recognize, something alien.
It doesn't... doesn't appear to be harmful.
There's something going on.
I feel excited, and not just from this discovery.
But almost a... a sexual excitement.
This is amazing.
You!
Barbarian!
What?
Where is the princess?
Who?
Don't play stupid with me!
I recognize your kind, you of the third leg!
Third?
What have you done with the princess?
Look.
I can tell you what you want to know.
But then, I'm going to want something in return.
What could you possibly want?
I kind of want to show you that third leg
you're so curious about.
Fine.
But no tricks.
Very well, earthling.
I have given you what you desired.
Now tell me.
Where is the princess?
Well...
You do know, don't you?
Yeah.
Of course I do, but I'm going to have to show you.
If this is some sort of trick...
No, no.
No trick.
I just... I need to use this to... to show you where she's at.
Lead the way.
Which way?
This way!
This way.
So is this metal, or is it fabric?
Your highness, there is nothing out there.
I don't know about that.
Vema, when we get a moment, I'll tell
you all about this third leg.
Your highness!
We need to focus here.
There is nothing out there but wilderness as far
as the eye can see.
Well, yeah.
I could have tell you that.
Ain't nothing out here.
That's why I moved all the way out here, to just
get away from everything.
Well, that's fine.
But we need to find a replacement fromets.
What the hell is fromets?
It's part of our ship's engines.
You ain't gonna find nothing like that around here.
Where should we look?
Well... nearest town is 40 miles away,
and we're right over here.
Perhaps we could find one there.
I guess anything's possible.
I don't know.
We have to be very careful we're not
discovered by Krella's troops.
Are you sure they're really here?
We have to presume so.
Krella?
Oh, Vema.
The ship!
Did you activate the cloaking device?
Curse me for being a fool!
Sorry.
This should be the place.
I don't really see any crashed spaceships.
Do you?
There's something going on here.
Smitty, when are you going to accept the fact that this was
just the ravings of a drunk?
I'm getting a radiation reading.
That's not like any reading I've ever seen.
Jonesy, you do something for me.
Enough.
You're not getting away with the "radiation is making me horny"
trick again.
It didn't work last time, and it won't work now.
It's just that you do something for me.
Anything in a skirt would do something for you.
Now can we get out of here?
Doesn't this radiation mean anything to you?
Yeah.
It means, with luck, you won't be procreating anytime soon.
Let's go.
Wait.
Let's at least swing by that cabin we saw on the way
up here, see if they saw anything.
After that, can we wrap this up and call it a day?
Absolutely.
OK.
Let's go.
Great.
Where to next, tripod?
I don't know.
These readings are really difficult to decipher.
I'm starting to wonder if you know
where the princess is at all.
If you don't, I don't see any need to keep you alive.
I, I... I know where she is.
Don't... don't you worry.
OK?
Just give me a minute, OK?
Yes, empress.
Status report, commander.
I grow weary of these delays.
One moment, empress.
Wait, wait, wait!
Transporting up.
What is happening down there?
Why do you not yet have Princess Farra in your custody?
I'm working on it, empress.
I have made contact with an earthling
who knows her location, and he's taking me there now.
What is the delay?
The native population is of the three-legged kind.
Really?
Yes.
And I think perhaps their third leg
takes the place of their brain.
They're a very ignorant species.
Yes.
I remember.
Well, do the best you can.
I must have the princess soon.
Don't be so jealous, commander.
There's enough of me to go around.
Then perhaps until I can secure the princess for you,
I could serve as a substitute.
Very well.
Service me.
As you command.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Fear not, earthling.
I will not harm you, as long as you take me to the princess.
Yeah, I'll take your to her.
I know where she is.
Yep.
You will take me to her immediately
or I will feed you to my pet Helderganon.
I... I don't know what that is, but it
sounds really unpleasant.
So - yeah, we're...
We're really close.
You had better hope that we are.
Let's go!
What was that?
I know.
I don't get too many visitors out this way.
They're those government types.
Probably saw your spaceship.
Perhaps they can help us.
Once again, my highness, you are far too trusting.
Vema's right.
I don't know if anyone's going to believe your story.
And even if they do, I'm sure helping
you is not gonna be the first thing that's on their mind.
What can we do?
There's no place to hide here.
Did you guys bring any clothes?
Anything inconspicuous?
We can change into anything we wish.
How's this?
That'll do. OK.
OK.
Just follow my lead.
Good afternoon.
I'm agent Smith.
This is agent Jones.
Can we ask you guys a few questions?
Anything I can do to stop you?
Hello, ladies.
Hello.
We're wondering if you've seen anything unusual around here,
earlier this morning.
Unusual?
This morning?
Nope.
Nothing.
And what about you ladies?
We've observed nothing out of the ordinary.
Certainly haven't seen any spaceships, if that's
what you're talking about.
Farra.
Spaceships, you say?
T... th... that's just Farra, my sister.
She's a real kidder.
Is that so?
Yes.
I do love a good kid.
Look, agent Smith.
I'm Jones.
She's Smith.
I told you we ain't seen nothing.
Now if you don't mind.
Actually, I do mind.
I'd like to talk to your sister alone.
And agent Jones here, she'll talk to you and...
Vema.
I thought you were agent Jones.
I'm Smith.
She's Jones.
Young lady, come with me.
OK.
Smith?
I'm Jones.
Jones.
Farra.
That's an interesting name.
You're not from around here, are you?
I am not.
You said something about a spaceship earlier.
That was part of my kid that Jock was talking about.
You mean kidding.
Yes.
Kidding.
You're not fooling me, you know?
I'm not?
No.
I was at the site where your ship landed.
And there was this radiation.
And it affected me in a strange way.
And now that I'm standing here next to you,
I'm feeling the same thing.
I know that you're aliens from another planet
and that your ship crash-landed in these woods.
Why don't you just admit it?
Very well.
Really?
That was easy.
Could you please help us?
We are in desperate need of fromets to repair our ship.
Fromets?
I don't know what that is.
Perhaps you call it by a different name.
It... it has long shaft, a round head,
and balls on the other end.
Yes.
I think I know what you're talking about.
I happen to have one of those right over there.
You do?
Yes.
Let me show it to you.
This way.
Here it is.
It's this third leg.
It is not a fromets, but I'll take one anyway.
Something is definitely going on here.
And I want to know what it is.
What do you mean?
Don't play dumb with me.
My partner suspects that you're aliens.
But I suspect something far more down to earth.
Like a meth lab.
No.
Ain't nothing going on around here.
I am Vema, and I am an alien.
Vema!
What's the game here?
No game.
Being deceitful is not in my nature.
I am Vema, and I am from planet Byfrexia.
Sure you are.
And... I'm Dolly Parton.
Yeah.
You sure got the parts for it.
Shut up!
There is something weird.
Earlier today, my partner thought
he was feeling the effects of radiation
at the supposed landing site.
And now, I'm starting to feel the same thing.
I wonder.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm feeling it, too.
This radiation is all around me, and making me all crazy.
I can prove what I say is true.
This device allows the molecules of my clothing to give
me any appearance I want.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh my...
Damn this thing!
You really are an alien!
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
And you're gorgeous.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And... radiation.
And the effects of the radiation is compounded
between the two of you.
I guess one really can't help themself.
Can they?
Certainly can't be blamed for radiation.
Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?
Well, in the interest of my investigation.
It must be thorough.
Right.
And I want to cooperate.
And Jock, Farra never told me anything about this third leg.
Well...
I can fix that.
What do you think of that, agent Smith?
I'm Jones.
Whatever.
How does this skirt come off?
I got it.
It's got so much radiation on it.
It's burning my fingers.
Oh my god.
I would... I would be like working on a body.
Like, I'd be, like, sucking on a boob or something.
Because that would, like, relieve radiation poisoning.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
That's what it do.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Vema!
Don't worry, your highness.
I told them everything.
Everything?
Yes.
We know that you're aliens.
So, you believe me now?
Yes, Smitty.
You were right and I was wrong.
Does that make you happy?
Actually, Yes, it does.
Made me happy.
All right.
Enough of this.
We must find a replacement fromets
so we can repair our ship.
I'm sorry.
I don't think we have one of those on Earth.
I've never heard of it.
Neither have I.
Could we build one?
There they are!
There's the aliens!
Hurry!
Get the princess to safety.
Stand back, Vema of Byfrexia!
I will have your princess or I will have your life!
Never!
Why are you doing this, Tharis?
Byfrexia has always been a friend of the Vulvian empire.
My empress wants your princess!
That is enough for me.
Do you believe me now?
Yes.
Yes!
Do you really want to capture the princess?
Once Krella has her, she'll have no more use for your pleasures.
You did it.
Well done.
Yes.
But look how sad she is now.
Better her sad than us dead.
I suppose you're right.
What do we do with her now?
But won't her bosses just send her back?
Don't worry.
I altered her mind with this device.
She'll report back an entirely different story.
Commander, where is the princess?
Report!
I'm afraid I bring bad news, empress.
Princess Farra and her royal guard are dead.
Dead?
Impossible.
How?
The atmosphere on earth is poisonous to us.
If I had stayed there much longer,
I would be as dead as they are.
We can never return here.
Just when she was so close to my grasp.
I remain to serve you, empress.
You always have been loyal, commander.
Perhaps I don't need the princess after all.
Set a course back to the Vulvian empire.
It's time we went home.
As you wish.
Vema!
I found it!
No.
Wait!
Look!
A fromets!
Yes, it is.
Batteries included.
Now, why exactly did you have that in your cabin?
Well, I guess it's time for us to go.
Yes. You're right.
We must leave now.
Thank you for everything.
Yes.
Thank you.
We couldn't have done it without you.
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it just a second here.
OK?
These are aliens!
We can't just let them leave.
We've got to study them!
Hello?
Research grant.
Vema.
Right.
Why did you freeze everyone?
It's for the best.
Now come on.
We have to go.
I hope this works.
The ship!
It's powering up.
All systems go!
Wait!
What about the people we left frozen?
You're right.
What happened?
They froze us.
It's what they do.
Where are they?
There!
Oh, man.
They're gone.
At least I have this as evidence.
They erased it!
Damn it.
Now I'm back to the drawing board.
Psh.
Better luck next time.
So everything was true.
Yes.
Especially about the radiation.
I don't know about you, but I just can't stand it anymore.
Wait.
Really?
Let's go inside.
Sweet space.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
One thing I don't understand.
What was all that talk about the radiation making everyone
want to have sex?
I don't know.
There's certainly nothing in the radiation
to make them want to do that.
I think they're just one horny species.
We were told you were possessed of a third leg.
I see no evidence of that.
Curse me for being a fool.
Sorry.
Yes.
And I think perhaps their third leg
takes the place of their brain.
They're a very ignorant species.
I was at the site where your ship landed.
And there's this radiation.
And it affected me in a strange way.
You're not getting away with the "radiation is"
"making me horny" trick again.
It didn't work last time, and it won't work now.
My...
Yeah.
I... I'll take you to her.
I... I know where she is.
Yep.
She's getting kinda old.
And, you know, you get a little old,
you get cranky, and you get stubborn.
So I stick my key in her and she's going, woo, woo, woo.
Just when she was so close to my grasp.