Ah! Ah.
What do you want from me?!
I want you to suck this dick!
I love Matty.
Hello friends,
and welcome back to my misadventures in dating.
I am unhappy to report
that very little has changed since I last saw you.
I'm still single and gay men are still objectively terrible.
Surprised? Me thinks not.
Oh, at least there's Matty...
Having abandoned the hookup apps in favor
of a dates only mentality,
My frustration over the deficit
of cocks entering my orifices on a regular basis,
reached a fever pitch,
thereby leading Matty into my welcoming holes.
Think of him as a temporary salve, substituting thorough
and regular breedings for the love
and affection I ultimately crave.
You get it.
But fear not, after the typical summer drought
of relationship potential,
a new line of suitors have begun forming.
And I, I cannot wait for you
to share in my inevitable disappointment.
But for now, allow me to relish
in Matty's delightful imagination,
Billy Club of a Cock and-
♪ Best part of waking up is nut up in my guts ♪
Why is everyone either married or ugly?
So rude.
Every morning I open each of my dating apps
and allow myself about 10 swipes each,
which I feel is a sufficient cull.
If I am fortunate, I will come across one to two profiles
that scream, "Oh, I would fuck you."
And they inevitably wind up being fellow bottoms.
Now, if I'm very fortunate,
I'll come across some cross-pollinization,
which is where I find the same person on the dating app
and the hookup app.
Yes...
Yes, I still check it just occasionally
I am weak.
But I gotta tell you, there is nothing better than talking
with someone on a dating app about long walks on the beach
and cozy nights of snuggling,
only to find their hookup app titled, "Pig trainer
for eager cum dumpsters."
We all contain multitudes.
The reason that I only find one to two profiles worthy
of my time and attention is because, spoiler alert,
most people are either dreadfully boring
or entirely unhinged.
Column A...
oh, you're into coffee and, and pizza?
Traveling and hanging with friends?
Wow, I was so touched by that part of your profile
where you said that you weren't good at "writing things
like this"...
And you love dogs?
Your banality is wasting precious oxygen
on this withering planet, m'guy.
And then that brings us to column B,
where you get the all-caps laundry list of all
of the things the person is not looking for.
And to them, I say,
"Putting in your profile that you are not into playing games
is not going to stop someone who is into playing games
from playing games with you."
And if you are unfortunate enough to come across me,
you are basically begging
to have your time wasted in gamesmanship
for my own perverse enjoyment.
Because if I'm not going to find love,
I'm at least gonna have a good fucken time.
Which brings us to Melvin.
Well M for now,
because why would you put your first name
on a dating profile?
M is the unique combination of both columns A and B.
For illustrative purposes,
let's refer to this side of our screen.
Alright, so we got Melvin over here,
and first thing we notice is he has a profile
that's entirely devoted to travel.
It's a flex for sure.
You know, displaying your disposable income
and your desire to learn about new cultures
and expand your horizons from whatever major hotel chain
or resort you're staying in.
But unlike all of you, I couldn't be less impressed
by the extraordinarily common,
"My personality is my passport profile,"
because all it makes me think is,
what are you running from?
My profile, on the other hand, is perfectly crafted.
It has a picture of my dog, my sexual position,
and exactly one shirtless selfie in supernatural lighting
that I will never find again.
As well as a smattering of interests and hobbies
that make me seem like a unique
and fully realized human being as opposed to an NPC.
For purposes of today's story, it's important
to note this part of my profile here where I note
that I am into, among other things, witty banter.
Back over to M, we noticed the sheer amount
of shirtless photos and not like, not like selfies,
like shit's on a timer.
But despite all of those turnoffs, I still think to myself,
"Yeah, I would fuck him."
And so I swipe right...
Kaza!
He's already swiped me, and thus a match is made.
The game is afoot.
Now, my personal etiquette for messaging is,
he who makes the match is the first one to message.
And that's with one caveat, which is, after you match
and you read the profile for the very first time,
you find out that you're the same sexual position.
And that happens all of the time
because the dating apps are the land of the unwanted bottom.
No such foul with M here,
and so I continue to write an entirely appropriate
and typical introductory message
that has been acceptable in human society
since the invention of language.
Alright, now we wait for,
oh, he really jumps on those notifications.
Don't you love the smell of desperation in the morning?
Wild...
Truly wild!
Now, there are two readings of this.
The first is quippy and witty.
You know, he's talking about my lack of wit in my message,
despite my interest in wit in the profile.
And you know,
there's something I can do with that.
The other reading of this is cunty.
Fortunately, there is a way to clear this up
with one simple text.
Licky, licky, licky.
Cunt it is!
And now we wait the inevitable tirade.
But this would be a good point to pause
if you'd like to get a snack.
Hmm, we are off to the races.
Why is it so hard for all y'all? Hm?
None of you know how to actually hold a conversation.
Is this just all just a game to you?
Well, fortunately for you, there are people like me out here
to teach y'all how to act, how to come correct.
And I have all the time in the world
to teach you the lesson you need.
All right, so Melvin is clearly unwell.
Best guess is, like me,
he's not having the best time on the dating apps.
He's lonely, he's looking for love,
and he's tired of dealing with all of the flakes
and the fakes and things just not working out for him.
And so he comes across what he believes to be
yet another non-committal person who's just using the apps
like a slot machine, getting that high from the match and
otherwise not putting much into it.
And so he lashes out and vents his anger
and frustration through his phone
in the way you or I would,
we would do it in the comments section
of a social media post of a female comedian.
And so, assuming all of that,
the kindest thing for me to do is
bow out,
undo the match, hope he finds what he is looking for.
You knew I would choose violence.
No, don't tell anyone.
Oh, I know what, no, I promise.
This is our secret, bud.
I know. No, no one will know.
I, I promise.
If your mom finds out, we can't do this again.
Oh, I promise, stepdad.
Yeah, I promise I'll be a very good boy.
I won't tell anybody I pro-
I know we're both the same age, but
stepson is a state of mind.
That better be a Yelp review.
- Four stars. - Four?
Well, you were only my stepfather.
Even I have limits.
Four.
What are you doing?
Fighting with some twat on a dating app.
Do you have to do that now?
I can't let it go too long without responding
because he jumps on his messages
and I don't wanna risk him having the last word,
and then unmatching.
Arrive, make out, get naked.
He gives me head, I rim him, I fuck him, he leaves.
None of my others have any problems following this agenda.
But with you, there's always something batshit
thrown into the mix.
Yeah, but I'm not like all of your other little twinks
and all of their little, "Ow, wait, hold on.
Huh. Ow. Wait. Ah.
Tss, ooh, ow, can you,
oh, can we take a break?"
That is frustratingly accurate.
Why can't you just unmatch with him after your message?
Because I haven't had enough fun yet.
You're unhinged.
I'm not unhinged. He's unhinged!
I am simply prompting him to unravel
and put his unhingedness on full display.
To what end?
Until I cum!
What is wrong with you?
Okay, so what do you think about this?
"Look here, you snarky, little cum fart"?
Wrong.
What?
You're doing it wrong.
Now, I'm pretty sure you can tell
I'm not one for constructive criticism,
but I probably should have asked Matty how
to do this in the first place.
I mean, just look at him.
He's the type that triggers Melvins all the time.
I guarantee you, he is the aloof, non-committal sack
of potatoes that's using the dating apps as time
to pass on the toilet
and has never had intention of actually meeting anyone.
I mean, he's, he's good looking.
He's good in bad, he's filthy, he's hung.
Those are all the signs of emotional unavailability.
You know, I bet he has infuriated every bottom looking
for love in the greater New York City metro area.
So he really is the best person to dole out advice on how
to handle good old Melvin.
All right, so how do I spin Melvin out?
Melvin?
It's the name I've given him.
That's good.
So like, do you wanna punch up cum fart or?
One word.
Hmm?
One word answers.
Look, there's nothing that Melvins hate more
than being ignored,
but eventually they give up
when they don't get the attention they want.
And apparently you're not quite ready for that.
So you wanna keep the person going?
You gotta poke 'em. One word answers.
I'm telling you.
You don't have any clue as to how
to actually approach a person
and engage in meaningful conversation
because people like you are just so basic.
Just basic boys wasting the time of real men like me
who are serious people.
You're an unserious person
just wasting important people's time.
Loser.
PS, just looked at your pics again. You have crazy eyes.
Okay, let's break this down.
So first off, he can't send anything in under four messages.
That means he's triggered.
Oh, and you see all these little insults?
It's him trying to trigger you.
Yeah, he wants a fight.
He wants you to say, "I'm not a loser. You're a loser.
And you wonder why you're still single? You psycho."
Or something like that.
So I'm gonna send...
That is infuriating!
I could fuck you again.
You know what guys? Matty was right.
Responding with my own vitriol really just lowered me down
to Melvin's level of derangement:
"You're pathetic. You have a sad life.
You should spend more time at the gym."
You know what, I have been feeling bloated a bit lately,
so he might not be wrong.
"You give small dick energy."
Oh, oh, oh guys, I think we hit the jackpot.
I just started a seven day stay at a five star resort
and you are eating ice cream on your couch.
Can we get seven days on the clock?
Because I think we have our purpose.
At first, I had interest in watching the self-immolation
for the same reasons that you gawk at a car crash
when you pass it on the highway.
But now I think we know the reason why the universe has
brought Melvin into my life.
And that is so I can make sure he spends every waking moment
of the next seven days
of this beautiful vacation engaged
in a one-sided argument with me.
Oh wait, should I have gotten ice cream?
You could never have the life I have.
I've worked hard my entire life and you're what?
Some trust fund baby,
just sitting on your ass all day
having things handed to you?
You have a really sad life.
That's not my name. You don't know my name.
You haven't earned that privilege, baby.
Knowing me is a privilege.
And you could have had it if someone ever
taught you how to act.
Fortunately for you, there's people like me
who can teach you, aren't you happy
I'm here to teach you, little boy?
Doesn't that mean you feel special the way everyone has made
you feel special your whole life,
despite never deserving it?
I bet you no one has ever loved you.
And anyone who said they did, lied to you,
lied to you several times.
Don't worry, you can tell me the truth.
Isn't that true, white boy?
Are you as pathetic as you look, white boy?
No wonder no one likes you.
I bet your family hates you too, white boy.
Rut-ro!
So we've come to an interesting crossroads in our journey
with Melvin as he has decided to make things racial.
And that is obviously a very, very dangerous thing
for this little white face.
All right, so the Matty on my shoulder says that,
he's just trying to trigger me, provoke me,
drag me into a discussion on race, which is
obviously a no win scenario, no bueno.
But on my other shoulder sits white guilt,
which makes me wanna fall all over myself and explain that,
"No, no, my torment of you has nothing to do with that."
And, "Oh my God, I've enjoyed
so many black cocks over the years"
and you know that, that,
"but I have black friends" excuse
that no one should ever use, ever.
Me thinks I need to phone a friend.
Not, not, not a,
not a black friend...
Matty,
so Melvin has decided to make things racial,
which is kind of home court advantage for him.
Do you think I should continue with my current strategy
or do you have a recommendation in case of such an event?
Well, he's no help.
Okay, so if I address it,
ugh,
alright, so if if I don't address it, then
That's risky.
I knew they hated you.
Is it hard to hear
the truth about you? - ...overboard.
Has anyone ever...
Guys, I think we lost him. Fuck!
We were doing so well.
Maybe that racial gambit was his Hail Mary.
And when that didn't work, he gave up his argument with me
and started enjoying his vacation.
On the one hand that's kind of good for me too
because I've done absolutely nothing these last few days.
Wanted to keep myself available for any incoming insanity.
But on the other hand, I still three days left of ruin.
How do we resuscitate?
So two weeks later,
whoopsy-doodle, I've got a positive result.
So I'm thinking, would Dylan be a good father?
Then I remember, his name was Daryl, so...
I could ask Matty, but he already thinks I'm a lunatic
and I cannot risk losing that valuable cock.
And I could ask Sally here,
but she's a straight woman so she wouldn't get it.
And honestly she keeps going on and on
about wanting me to be a better person
and I really can't hear that shit right now.
Alright?
What is triggering?
What triggers me?
And then ultimately I ended up getting the abortion,
but now that he hasn't texted me back,
I feel like I should have told him I was gonna keep it,
that way...
Bicycles on sidewalks, astrology.
Ugh, that Michael Urie Christmas movie?
Think Danny, think.
So what do you think?
About what?
Daryl not texting me back.
Jesus fucken Christ!
Look Sally, we have been here.
I'm just gonna tell you the same thing I always tell you,
women's problems are stupid.
Not like women's issues.
Like you should be able to get an abortion whenevs,
and actually, I kind of wish I could perform them myself.
Anything, literally anything to get less children on planes.
If he texts you, he wants to fuck you.
If he doesn't text you, doesn't wanna fuck you.
There are no ulterior motives.
There are no hidden agendas when it comes to straight men.
He either didn't enjoy fucking you,
found someone new to fuck or is petrified
of your apparent fertility.
Right.
But what if I told him I was gonna keep it? And then...
The only way that you're gonna get him
to message you back is if you text him, "Hey,"
or "what's up?",
between the hours of 11:00 PM and 4:00 AM
when his erection is strong and his options limited.
That is the only way you're gonna trigger him to,
oh my god, Sally, you're a fucken genius.
Okay.
And then if I do that and he responds, do I...
Oh my god, Sally, shut the fuck up.
Just shut up a fucking moment, Jesus fucken Christ.
You, you,
you think I would ever let you touch me?
You think I would ever lower my standards so low
as to get with you?
Not even a pity fuck for someone so...
♪ Oh, hello daddy
♪ I sure hope you don't want me to wear a thong ♪
Oh, sorry.
Just setting up my new line of suitors
since it is day seven,
which means the whirlwind romance
is about to come to an end.
I'm gonna have more free time.
Though our love was short-lived,
I will cherish the memories I've made with Melvin forever.
And as we bring our episode to a close, it's naturally time
that I, the lead character, learned my lesson.
I reflect on all of the time I wasted in an argument
with Melvin when I really should have just approached him
with kindness and, and understanding.
Because we're all just human beings.
You know, we're all doing the best we can do.
And dating's tough enough without getting involved in all
this unnecessary drama.
You know, Melvin and I, we have a sort of kinship, right?
'Cause there have been times in my life
where I as well would've been triggered by the kind
of conversation we were having.
You know, I could offer an apology
and ask for forgiveness for not taking the higher road.
And maybe,
maybe Melvin would offer an apology in return.
Right?
Explain to me that, yeah,
he's had a terrible time on the dating apps and,
and in a moment of weakness, he came across someone
who again, was a monosyllabic dating app texter,
putting in the barest of minimum efforts
and ultimately leading him on a road to nowhere.
And his fury over that, sent him into a tailspin.
You know, maybe we'll meet in person one day, right?
Would we fall in love?
Why, I think that's a stretch.
But maybe we'll get a coffee
and commiserate over our dating stories.
We'll leave satisfied,
content, that a truce has been called and
best case scenario,
maybe even remain friends.
Oh, unfortunately this isn't that kind of show.
Getting ready to board my plane,
but I'll be right back.
Do you know what that is sweetie? A plane?
That's what rich people ride when they travel.
I'm sure you haven't heard of it,
so let me explain.
Sorry, Melvin, but it's time to say goodbye.
I have reached my goal of
manipulating you into wasting
your entire vacation
on having a one-sided
argument
with me.
But whatever you do,
don't forget about the special time we shared.
In a way
I cannot truly explain...
I love you, Melvin.
And...
Block.
♪ Cinderella turns at midnight
♪ She's not who she was in daylight ♪
♪ Stand 'em side by side
♪ They all so different
♪ Split in two on the inside
♪ In the bed Jekyll becomes Hyde ♪
♪ Didn't she tell you Brittany's not that innocent? ♪
♪ Do you try and your eye says
♪ You're gonna gimme up all night ♪
♪ Let's get right
♪ Get to drive
♪ Love, get outta your own mind ♪
♪ They don't even know ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ Just how far you'll go
♪ So in one, I get two
♪ Now nothing less will do
♪ Got sweet, got salt
♪ Got zest, it's all your fault ♪
♪ Work my body like no other
♪ But still safe to take you to the mother ♪
♪ Watch you walk around with that halo ♪
♪ But you'll take that off when I say so ♪
♪ Too hot to take, too hot to take ♪
♪ Too hot to take ♪
♪ Oh, I think heaven sent you ♪
♪ Get on in
♪ No, I won't match you ♪