I have a priority package
from the nat-sat printing room.
why don't you say it a little louder?
we could open the window.
you could shout it towards Moscow.
sorry. I--
it's not your fault you're stupid.
just open the case and get out of here.
the case is chained to my wrist.
security dispatch has the key.
leave the material, take the case,
and wait outside.
no can do.
the material's locked inside.
all right. just give it to me.
get in the closet.
Hi-weather IV
transmitted this stuff an hour ago.
beautiful close-ups!
miegs and sline will drool.
they're late again. unusual for soldiers.
they know what they're doing.
gentlemen.
here they are.
are those the shots from the latest fly-by?
over here, general.
wait.
is someone in this closet?
ignore him.
he's just one of our couriers.
well... ok.
nice close-ups.
definitely approaching full-go hour.
I greased the house committee for covert appropriations.
they think the funds are for more stealth bombers.
we've selected 2 GLG-20s--
they're the best men we have.
the last 2 were the best men we had.
now they're our 2 best dead men.
I'm convinced there's a security leak
in your training program.
well, we could bypass training.
no. they'll train with 2 other GLG-20s--
2 who are responsible for the project
and 2 who are...
disposable.
are you suggesting we assign this job
to inferior personnel?
no, I understand.
2 teams.
one to do the job,
the other to be a diversion.
you mean decoys? targets?
exactly.
GLG-20s don't exactly grow on trees.
I'd hate to waste 2 of them as targets.
I'm sure you can find a couple of men
you won't mind wasting.
I'll be when? lovin' you
cloudy days or sunny
lovin' you
are you sure?
that's a promise, honey?
when your kiss can no longer pack a thrill
nothin'.
I'll still be lovin' you
I'll be huggin' you?
how?
like a baby panda, kissin' you
where?
on your old veranda
when your charm, dear, is absolutely nil
yeah, I know. you'll still be lovin' me.
billin', cooin'
you I'll keep pursuin'
always lovin'
hotter than a baker's oven
we do smart work
what?
you'll just love our artwork
don't blame me...
what?
aren't you taking this test tomorrow?
the foreign service board? yeah.
don't you have to study?
I know the FSB exam glass-backwards.
I've taken it 3 times already.
it's supposed to be different this year--
500 questions in 2 hours.
let me see the booklet.
look at these samples.
all multiple choice. it's easy.
here.
"if discovered appropriating classified documents
"at a foreign consulate reception,
"you should... a--express concern,
"b--act surprised,
"c--deny everything,
and d--all 3."
the answer is "d," all 3.
common-sense stuff.
I guess you just don't want advancement bad enough.
my granddad was an envoy.
my dad was an envoy.
I was born into the trade.
besides, I've arranged for an intimate lunch
with our supervisor.
you have to take that test.
I'm very hurt that's why you invited me over.
don't do that, alice.
I'm sorry. I'm not myself today.
I saw my neurologist this morning.
don't give me some bullshit you're dying.
no...
not now.
radio: 'cause there's one thing we forgot to say
we're gonna rock the house down
Millbarge.
we're gonna shake up the place--
where's the brain for the scramjam 7000?
procurement picked it up over an hour ago.
was it fixed?
yeah, with new voice-scramblers.
oh. what about that red-chinese radio chatter?
it's done. here you go.
done?
that was a static-filled,
triple-scrambled microwave transmission
between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin chinese.
they were only using
a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-digit key
transposed in boustrophendonic form
with multiple nulls.
I broke it with this.
a drogan's decoder wheel?
they put these into cereal boxes for kids.
yeah, I found it in a box of lucky charms.
break it down again with the machines!
I already did.
well, then... clean up the desk!
good.
that's much better.
by the way, good luck on the test tomorrow.
what test?
the foreign service board exams. good luck.
foreign service boards tomorrow?
I can't take it.
I haven't studied. I'm not prepared.
you were bumped up on the list.
you're scheduled for tomorrow morning.
I'm sure I told you.
this is dated 2 weeks ago.
you planned this.
you want me to fail that test
so you can keep me in the center of the earth
doing your work for you.
you just watch your mouth, mister.
this department's laying off civilians left and right.
where are you going?
home. to study.
one night studying for a grade-19 FSB exam?
good luck.
listen, captain, I'm going to pass that exam,
and I'm going to get out of this hole
and do some really important work for national security.
yeah, sure.
I was going to do your family a favor
and hook up the Disney channel for free.
well, forget it.
ladies and gentlemen, as of this afternoon,
the undersecretary for south American affairs
emphatically denies any and all intervention
in the current realignment of top positions
in the paraguayan air force. thank you very much.
what about the army's request
for spraying subsidies?
are there any Paraguayans here?
no?
their request for subsidies was not Paraguayan,
as it were.
the United States would never-- if the president--
that's how it will always be. is that clear?
how can you say
we aren't spending millions on spraying
when the international wheat board reported
"extensive contamination
in the grain fields of southern Argentina"?
the state de... eber... uh... the state...
microphones...
cutting out on us. I'm sorry.
however, the qu... wo... si...
...unch date, so I must go.
these examinations are qualifiers for positions
in the intelligence sections of our embassies overseas.
the nature of your postings will be secret.
now, secret work can be very risky.
I cite what happened to one of our greatest Americans--
not yet!
oop! excuse me.
I'm sorry.
my fault.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to attend the reading of a will.
I had to stay till the very end.
I found out I received nothing.
broke my arm.
would you hold my wallet while I take the test?
there's $1,000 in there...
or maybe there isn't.
know what I mean?
are you saying I can take this money
if I help you pass?
what doyouthink?
thank you.
so, where do I--
sit down!
you may begin...
now.
excuse me.
ahem.
ahem! ahem!
ahem! ahem! ahem!
ahem!
thank you.
you're welcome.
oh, god, the pressure!
I can't take it!
I can't! I can't do it!
I can't... what page?
this is Emmett Fitz-Hume.
he's an information officer at state.
he started there in '74 as a mail boy.
his father got him his job.
this is Austin Millbarge.
he's a repair supervisor
in dia's code-breaking arm at the pentagon.
wiggled into supervisor's pay through an f-section.
his last job before joining defense
was fixing office copiers.
he's good with hardware, got some Russian.
want to see their test scores?
what the hell for?
they're a couple of absolutely self-involved bullshit artists
who got caught cheating on a departmental exam.
they'll do anything to save their jobs.
one's got basic diplomacy skills.
the other's a code-breaker with language ability.
I believe we've found our decoys.
ahhh!
heart attack! ahhh!
can I borrow your pen?
everybody, please, stand back!
I am a trained cardiovascular
respiratory emergency assist technician.
I want all of you to stand back! this man needs air!
in fact, all of you should leave the room--
well?
so, what are we gonna get? dismissal? suspension?
censure? departmental prosecution? what?
promotion.
what?
that's right.
we like what we've seen of you two.
we're bucking you right up front
to gathering, level 20.
gathering, level 20?
that's quite a step up in base pay.
we're not in trouble?
we're not recruiting for the boy scouts.
we want people who are aggressive,
who know how to go after that edge
you need to survive.
we especially liked the way you two guys
were working as a team in there.
now...
if you feel you can work together,
you're on your way up.
we've got a very special assignment.
foreign service?
yes.
undercover work?
yes.
Emmett Fitz-Hume.
Austin Millbarge.
when do we begin our training?
right away.
boy!
we're just hitching a ride.
they won't make us jump.
jump? no chance. we won't have to jump.
all right, sky-troopers!
let's go!
go? what does he mean?
you can't do this!
what are you doing?
aaah!
Fitz-Hume!
aaah!
help! help! help! help!
oh! oh, no! oh, no!
whoa!
aaah!
woooaaahhh!
oooh!
where are we?
I don't know. I wasn't watching.
I lost everything at 7,000 feet.
you hear that?
yeah. it's a dickfer.
what's a dickfer?
to pee with.
man: aah!
was that me?
eiiaaww! haiii!
we need a plan.
let's play dead.
eiiaaww! haiii!
haiii!
come on, superspy, think of something.
you're the diplomat. talk to them.
all right.
stop right there,
and I'll bring back the sun.
ok?
this is my sister.
you can all have her.
I hear she's very good.
one more step, I start swinging!
he's threatening you! let's get him!
show some balls!
it's too late to try to impress them.
that's enough.
Austin Millbarge?
here, sir.
Emmett Fitz-Hume.
hello.
sir.
colonel Rhombus, special projects training.
we've been expecting you.
excuse me, but what was all this, uh...
that's how I welcome new trainees.
what's wrong with coffee and a handshake?
it's my job to get you ready for field combat.
I must know right away what I've got to work with.
I've made my decision.
what's it say?
"pussy."
that's not fair. they had swords.
what could we do?
it depends on your particular arena of combat.
maybe this.
I'll take you back to the base.
this is the obstacle course.
it is essentially the course
familiar to armed service recruits,
except here in intelligence operative training,
we do it a bit differently.
we add the element of scorched earth.
this is your standard bog negotiation trial.
you'll be judged on survivability and time.
enter...
now!
heads down!
this will verify your ability
to stay afloat at high speeds.
we'll now begin with afpsr--
air force passive strain response.
you'll not be required to exert yourself at all,
only to survive aggravated body temperature measurement.
whoa!
oooh! owww!
hot! hot! hot!
we will now determine your g-force threshold.
just relax, gentlemen.
I guess we just sit here?
piece of cake.
you want some coffee?
that's a good idea.
colonel, we were just talking,
and, uh, we've had loads of fun here.
met new friends, had a great lunch.
wasn't that a great lunch?
the tuna and cream casserole was beautiful.
anyway, we were talking, and we'd like to go home now.
thanks for the bruises.
keep the stool samples.
boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
what did he mean by that?
it means we're O. I. O.
what's that?
Obligated Involuntary Officers.
gentlemen,
begin radical vertical impact simulation...
now.
come in.
you wanted to see us, sir?
sit.
congratulations, men. you're about to enter
the operational phase of your assignment.
I'm not authorized to give you the full operational packet,
but I'll tell you the location of your initial drop
will be well inside the borders of Pakistan.
Pakistan? Pakistan?
is one of these people our contact?
ok...
who led the American league in home runs in 1953?
I'll handle this.
what's he doing?
it's just their way of saying hello.
hello. I'm Austin.
hi. Bud Schnelker, liaison office.
u. s. consulate, karachi.
Rob Hodges. DIA, west asian section.
welcome to Pakistan.
boy, we're glad to see you guys.
when's lunch?
come on, guys. jeep's over here.
Emmett: I'm starving. what time you got?
listen, could we stop?
what's the matter?
I got to take a leak.
you should go, too.
what are you, my mother?
don't you think I'm capable of determining
my own time to go to the bathroom?
so, isn't now one of those times?
no.
you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure
on the inner wall of your bladder
now right at this moment?
no. I'm fine.
well, wouldn't you feel more comfortable
being fully relieved of excess fluidsnow?
I got to take a whiz?
don't go away.
oh, we'll be here.
these guys are not our legitimate contacts.
they're KGB special branch.
oh, come on.
that was a Russian wristwatch.
I know the country of origin of every timepiece in the world.
that was a Russian copy of a 1969 Timex digital.
is this your hobby?
basic. most common slip-up in espionage.
we walked right into enemy hands.
hi.
if you do know your final objective,
you'd be smart to tell us.
we'll work things out a lot quicker.
we still don't know.
you know what they say about this type of operation...
da! da! da!
feet.
hat.
come on!
look out!
they sure had me fooled.
the Soviets obviously know we're here now.
where to, boss?
first we check our gasoline supply.
how's our gasoline supply?
8 5-gallon cans.
enough to get us to an airport?
I hope so. we'll drive in shifts.
one guy'll drive, the other'll sleep.
ok. I'll drive, you sleep.
wake me up when you get tired.
ok.
good night.
sleep tight.
thanks.
don't let the bedbugs bite.
ok.
night.
good morning.
is there an airport near here?
Austin. your turn to drive.
these are the Yusufzai.
they're afghani freedom-fighters.
they're our allies.
oh!
we're Americans!
dr. Hadley!
oh, my god!
what do you think you're doing?
sorry about this.
they're very distrustful of outsiders.
no problem.
get your men to cut them down.
who are you?
oh, sorry. Hadley.
london college of medicine.
they only allow us here because we're helping with the wounded.
they didn't realize you were with the effort.
with who?
the United Nations medical effort, of course.
aren't you doctors Trowbridge and Greenberg?
doctors?
yeah, sure, that's us.
I'm dr. Trowbridge. this is dr. --
Greenberg. Greenbaum.
Greenbaumberg. we're doctors.
everybody looks fine here, right?
yes, doctor.
stick your tongue out, please.
everything's fine.
we'll head back to the old u. n.
and let them know what a good job you're doing.
ah, the American sense of humor.
come on. the others are anxious to meet you.
have we received the last shipment of penicillin yet?
not yet. no.
possibly tomorrow.
2 envoys are coming.
here we are.
I'm Hadley, internal medicine.
dr. La Fong,
communicable diseases.
dr. Boyer, bacteriology.
doctors Stinson, Marston, and Gill
of the Northampton trauma institute.
and dr. Imhaus of the Zurich relief fund.
our new surgeons, Trowbridge and Greenbaum.
doctor.
and doctor.
did we miss anyone?
you gentlemen relax.
the tribe's raiding a Soviet tank division tomorrow.
there will be plenty for us to do then.
doctors.
doctor.
we're not doctors.
we've got to leave here immediately!
no. not until I've had--
excuse me.
her.
am I interrupting?
no! he was just on his way out.
what happens when the real doctors come?
hi.
dr. Trowbridge.
where?
oh! right!
make yourself comfortable. sit down.
thank you.
what can I do for you?
dr. Trowbridge-- may I call you Homer?
why?
well, that's your name.
oh! right! Homer. of course.
what's your name?
Karen.
dr. Trowbridge... Homer...
when you walked into this tent,
it was the most exciting moment of my life.
well, you just wait.
you're my hero. I've read all your papers.
how'd you get my papers?
oh, you mean my medical papers!
are you making fun of me?
oh, Karen, our first fight.
you might think I'm silly to worship you the way I do,
but in my estimation, you're a genius.
well, I think genius is a pretty strong word,
but if you insist on using it, I can handle it.
in fact, I hesitate to mention my problem.
it's a task hardly worthy of your abilities.
go ahead. mention it.
there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
the khan's brother, he's been suffering
from pain in the right lower abdomen,
obviously an inflamed appendix.
obviously.
dr. Hadley was going to remove it,
but now that you're here,
just to see you perform even a simple surgery
would be a great thrill in my life.
I'd really rather not.
I don't have my instruments with me.
use dr. Hadley's.
the khan's brother is being prepped now.
if you refuse to do this,
the khan will lose faith in you and us.
the consequences could be severe.
I see.
well, the truth is I am a great surgeon,
but alas, I recently suffered severe nerve damage
in my left hand.
oh, my god!
yeah. look at that.
no feeling at all.
dead.
how did that happen?
I was lifting a car off a child.
it was a big cadillac.
I'm so disappointed.
the khan will be very suspicious.
my god.
oh, there, there, there.
actually, I could operate without my hands.
dr. Greenbaum could be my hands.
I could tell him what to do.
youwouldget a chance see me in action.
that would be wonderful.
after I guide dr. Greenbaum through an operation,
I get very depressed.
I couldn't do it myself.
it's a very bad time for me.
don't you worry. I'll be with you.
give me a break.
about an hour?
fine. an hour.
thank you.
bye.
you're good with tools, aren't you? instruments?
you kidding? you're talking to Millbarge.
want something converted, built, repaired, modified?
you're talking to mr. hands.
ahh. mind if I play through?
doctor. doctor.
glad I'm not sick.
if anything happens to him, my people will be angry.
to die in battle is glorious.
to die in a tent is disgrace.
and with that, I give you dr. Julius Greenbaum.
thank you, doctor.
I'll just step out for a smoke.
perhaps I'll stay here.
today we'll be removing the patient's appendix.
the first step in an operation of this particular type is...
to shave the patient.
nah, forget it, forget it.
we'll skip the shave and go to the operation.
the second step in this operation is...
anesthetic.
but can't you tell he's already been given
the required injection of pentothal?
of course.
he's already been given the required... injections.
all right. let us begin the operation.
thank you, doctor.
and now, the first incision.
doctor.
isn't that incision a bit high
for an appendix?
do you want to do the operation?
fine! you come on up here, and you do it!
imhaus.
he was cutting into his chest!
did I cut his chest?
I was probing to determining muscle tone and skeletal girth.
it's a new technique!
we mock what we don't understand.
go ahead, will you?
I'm getting hungry.
and now, the first incision.
and now, I will incise.
cut the sucker.
ahhhhh...
this man is dead.
excuse us.
thank you.
let me do it!
Emmett!
help me!
let go!
the drive-in is closed.
we're with the Ace tomato company.
all this cloak-and-dagger stuff.
the military love it.
christ, will you look at this place?
mr. ruby.
sir.
mr. keyes.
yes, sir.
won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
2 pepsis to go.
now what?
"why don't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?"
you do it.
aaah! aaah!
this way, gentlemen.
welcome to W. A. M. P.
general sline, sir.
yes, sergeant?
it's a collect call from Pakistan for mr. Ruby
from mr. Fitz-Hume.
what?
we'll just be another minute.
thank you for your patience.
it's collect. their contacts tried to kill them.
they don't know what to do.
and they told you this
over a public phone?
no, sir. at&t's operator told our operator.
they're insane!
and apparently roaming free.
he's on line 7, sir.
get us the hell out!
everything's under control, mr. Fitz-Hume.
hold on one moment.
look, the longer they're out in the field,
the more heat we can draw away from the real team.
I agree. let's send them over the border.
how will they get there?
that's their problem.
hello, gentlemen.
we're organizing a rescue operation for you.
for after you've reached your final objective.
what is our final objective?
that information is on a need-to-know basis.
at this particular time, you do not need to know.
however, we can tell you
to make immediately for the Soviet Pamir district.
wait for your next contact on the road to Dushanbe.
the road to Dushanbe?
you practically told them the strike zone.
listen, if they make it there at all,
they'll be plucked by Soviet motorized infantry.
the road to Dushanbe
is a heavily traveled military artery.
I guess that takes care of that.
we must make no mistakes this time.
our whole way of life hangs in the balance.
pamir? Dushanbe?
you're sure that's what he said?
right. aren't they in Russia?
and how!
no, thanks. I've already eaten.
how can we get there? it's thousands of miles.
if this is the lower Kohistan,
we're about 150 miles from the Soviet border.
youwouldhave to know that.
wait a minute!
how do we cross the Soviet border?
we don't shave, sell the ambulance,
sell our clothes, and go native.
how far do we have to go on this bus?
as far as it takes us.
hey, look! it's dr. Boyer!
she's the last person we want to see.
no! she's nice.
what's this, the border?
no. toll stop.
hopefully, there won't be guardposts where we cross.
look.
dr. Boyer.
leave it alone.
I left without saying good-bye.
where are you going?
you can't deny what happened between us.
don't touch me. come on.
"don't touch me."
look at this. it's really neat.
how can she let a little death interfere with romance?
they couldn't have done better.
they aren't doctors.
what do you mean?
that metal case she was packing on her horse.
what about it?
it's a Satscrambler terminal.
sophisticated equipment for sending, scrambling,
and receiving satellite messages.
so she's a sophisticated woman.
it's a highly classified piece
of intelligence hardware.
she's a high-class intelligent piece.
knock it off.
you're saying that they're spies like us?
they're spies, but not necessarily on our side.
I think it's our duty as American operatives
to follow her and find out what she's up to.
you just want to follow her.
no.
you're thinking with your dick.
they left their land rover here.
they're probably headed for the border.
it would save us a lot of trouble.
they seem to be headed in that direction.
maybe your dick's not so dumb.
got me through high school.
do you think those men are following us?
they're most likely Chitrali nomads.
not to worry.
did you say sit?
I didn't say sit.
did you say sit?
no, I didn't say sit. what--
now what?
I guess we walk.
why do we have to carry all this stuff?
the Dushanbe road runs across the top of the mountains.
it'll be sub-arctic temperatures up there.
you'll thank me.
"you'll thank me."
that's it.
the Dushanbe road...
where we're supposed to meet our contacts...
I hope.
only insofar as it serves to confirm
the president's own beliefs.
this is quite an exciting project.
what was the cost of this star wars system?
just under $60 billion.
quite a bargain.
sir, printout from gravsat.
a transmission from the field,
your GLG-20s.
well, wonderful. they confirm
estimated arrival at the strike site
by 6 p. m. their time tomorrow.
that's 9 a. m. here. right on schedule.
you can always count on our people.
well, this is it.
where are those contacts we heard so much about?
did they say where on the road?
no.
maybe we should start hitchhiking.
we're inside the Soviet union.
I wish we hadn't lost Boyer.
they had horses. we were on foot!
it's the tadzhik highway patrol.
they were just sitting there.
they heard our entire conversation.
what are they saying?
he says we needn't bother whispering.
let's get out of here.
they'll cut us down.
we can't just go with them.
what other choice do we have?
if we give ourselves up,
the state department will get us home.
not me!
hi! just me.
I was just looking for the burt reynolds theater.
don't I get a phone call?
and who do you intend to call?
goddamn it!
he gives himself up!
what is your objective?
my objective?
well, I object to buying a girl dinner,
then she won't put out for you.
why are you here?
why am I here?
why are you here?
why is anybody here? I think sartre said--
how do you spell sartre?
ow! and let that be a lesson to you!
every minute you don't tell us why you're here,
I cut off a finger.
mine or yours?
yours.
damn!
why are you still hitting me?
he's going to cut my fingers off!
you have 30 seconds.
you're not gonna hum thejeopardytheme?
we start with the little one.
all right! I'm an American agent.
and?
and, uh... and, uh...
they sent me here to assassinate your premier.
I knew it! pay up, comrade.
let's cut his fingers off anyway.
no.
let's take him to headquarters in Moscow.
good move. good move.
headquarters.
it shouldn't be much further. we've made good time.
we'll go on foot from here.
ow! ohh!
whoa!
goddamn it!
whoa!
ah--ahh--ahhh!
whoa! whoa!
hi!
how you doing? remember me?
what are you doing here?
what areyou doing here?
they surprised us. border troops.
they got my partner.
did they get you, too?
I'm fine!
no wonder neither of you could operate.
you're spies like us!
you mean, you're--
Austin Millbarge. I'm a GLG-20.
so...
you two are the other GLG-20s.
the decoys.
decoys!
lower your voice.
that's why they rushed us through training,
why we were met by the KGB,
why they sent us into enemy hands.
right.
I am--extremely pissed off!
my partner and I were set up!
forget it! that's behind us!
our first priority is to cover those bodies,
establish a new base camp,
and complete this project.
Fitz-Hume's in the custody
of the tadzhik highway patrol
because of you.
the only project I have to complete
is to get my partner out.
Fitz-Hume!
come on!
look! did you do that?
yeah. I did that for you.
you know, I must really like you,
because I don't like horses,
and I hate guns.
what's this?
you don't want it!
aah! aah!
duck!
I'll get the horse.
let's go!
hi-ho, silver! away!
it'ssoul finger by the bar-kays.
they must be having trouble getting gigs.
wow!
this is a Soviet icbm site.
Austin: that's an SS-50 long-range rocket
and mobile launcher.
they just moved it in here.
haven't even put up their locator beacon.
means they're not hooked into Soviet defense.
they are radio-isolated.
only 3 men.
and their mother.
oh!
let me see that.
hey!
come on!
honestly!
you two are unbelievable!
wait a minute. what are we doing here?
this is our final objective.
our project orders are to subdue the crew
and seize control of this emplacement.
hold it, sister. we're not going near that thing.
that missile has a 40-megaton nuclear warhead.
good night, everybody.
where are you going?
home.
for once, I'm in complete agreement.
we should get up and leave immediately.
those things can suck the paint off your house
and give your family a permanent orange afro.
I don't what you two do,
but I'm fulfilling my obligation.
I intend to go down there and seize control
of that emplacement, alone if I have to.
you know we'd do anything for you,
but we can't seize that rocket.
we'd have to kill everybody down there.
I'm not killing anybody.
I'm not, either.
gentlemen, I think you both should realize
the gravity of this moment.
I've spent the last 2 1/2 years of my life
preparing for this penetration.
this afternoon, I buried my partner Jerry Hadley,
perhaps the finest, most dedicated GLG-20
in the history of the service.
he is now entombed in a snowy grave,
and it's not gonna be for nothing.
we are here today to guarantee
the personal freedom of every American.
and we should never forget
the words of president john f. kennedy
who said,"ask not what your country can do for you,
but what you can do for your country."
will you marry me?
now...
these are high-compression tranquilizer pistols.
we're not going to kill anybody,
but you've got to get in close to use them.
hours--t-minus 2 until designated target apogee.
sir, all air traffic has been diverted
from our response corridor.
what's our present on-line power reading?
michigan reactor and washington state
atomic plants on-line, general.
lock us in, sergeant.
W. A. M. P. secure, sir.
all right.
let's go to response level yellow.
initiating level yellow.
run your full servo and arming.
servo on and armed.
ah...
soul finger!
soul finger.
what's she saying?
hair... hairbrush... headrest...
where did you learn your Russian, J. C. Penney?
when she was a child in lithuania,
her uncle used to tell a story about strange beings
that came down from a disc and stole an ox
which the village had put aside for roasting.
I told you it would work.
everybody knows about ufos.
apparently, the aliens dissected the ox
and kept the best pieces of meat for themselves.
so we owe them a cow.
where do we get one?
nee nee nee! de de de!
do what I do.
aah! aah! aah!
aah!
Satscram signal from the strike site.
your GLG-20s have penetrated successfully
and are awaiting the go-code.
open and lock down ground deflectors.
ground deflectors opened and locked.
ok, dostoevsky, what does it say?
it says...
"approach SS-50...
source programmable rocket."
easy.
"find control box at front of transporter."
this is a snap.
"for erector panel, push red button."
"depress red key switch.
enter first numbered sequence."
go.
"3-3-9...
"dash 2-5-9...
dash 6."
"acknowledge compliance on Satscram now."
GLG-20s acknowledge programming and compliance.
bring all birds into final bounce mode.
bounce mode engaged.
send them the go-code.
"go with numbered sequence 7-4...
"dash 7-4...
"dash 8-8-3...
dash 5, dash 3."
sac-com confirms an outbound blip
from Soviet central asia.
it's on its way.
override all sac alerts
with error stand down orders for 10 minutes.
sac override code entered.
error. stand down.
I think we just started world war iii.
she wants to know why we would do such a thing.
tell her so do we.
what are they saying?
it's 4:47 a. m.
they're saying it'll be 28 minutes
before the rocket detonates above its target
somewhere inside the continental United States.
let's see--28 minutes.
that's 18 until it's inside the u. s. radar cup.
figure 2 for our response,
say,20 until total commitment.
figure 20,22
until the first impact of our retaliatory strike.
I figure we have 42 minutes
until the end of civilization as we know it.
you want to go out with a bang?
I beg your pardon?
it was just an idea.
you know, if we were sitting in a bar,
I'd throw a drink right in your face...
but under the circumstances,
it's not such a bad idea.
release full pulse.
3...
2...
1.
fire!
bounce pulse failed to connect with target, sir.
just what are you saying, soldier?
we missed it, sir.
what?
we missed the rocket. it didn't work.
didn't work? where did the pulse go?
I don't know, sir, but it definitely didn't connect
with the inbound traffic.
wow!
excellent!
we'd better call the president.
we're not calling anyone.
what do you mean, we're not calling anyone?
the president must know that this attack
was not initiated by the Soviet union.
we are prepared for this contingency.
what in hell do you intend to do?
you understand, sir, that we are responsible
for launching a nuclear weapon against our own country?
no one outside this command center
has that information, gentlemen.
when we commissioned the schmectel corporation
to research this precise event sequence scenario,
it was determined that the continual stockpiling
and development of our nuclear arsenal
was becoming self-defeating.
a weapon unused is a useless weapon.
sac-com confirms
all defense systems commitment ready.
we have verification.
the president is aboard the airborne command center.
I'm sure it will only be a matter of minutes
before the president commits to total release.
jesus christ!
you see, we had to show
that we had the technical capability
and were determined.
history demonstrates conclusively
that naive wishing for peace
is the surest possible way
to encourage an aggressor.
I demand you place me
in immediate communication with the president!
relax, mr. ruby.
this facility is more than adequately stocked
for a comfortable 17 months of below-ground existence.
we'll be fine.
by your actions, sir,
you are risking the future of the human race!
to guarantee the American way of life...
I'm willing to take that risk.
it's hard to believe it's been only 15 minutes
since I destroyed the world.
in another 15 minutes, it will all be over.
it's such a short time to destroy a world.
and to think my high school guidance counselor
said I'd never amount to anything.
it just goes to show--
guidance! source programmable guidance!
Fitz-Hume! Boyer!
get up! get up!
come on! come on!
come on!
Fitz-Hume!
Boyer!
um...
wait a minute! what's going on here?
you have a tent?
bring me the Satscram dish.
I think we can recall it.
what do you mean, recall it?
you mean like a defective pinto?
take this up.
up. climb.
grab a rock. grab a hammer.
we can divert it.
it's made to respond to in-flight commands.
here's a rock.
go to the Satscram terminal.
now what?
smash that thing!
it's broken.
bring it here.
not the rock.
what's the use? it's probably all over anyway.
no, no, no.
all we have to do is switch sending boards.
ok.
start sending the launch sequence in reverse order.
yes, sir.
Fitz-Hume...
hold these together.
I've got to make the splice.
hold it together.
ow! I got a shock.
and you will.
I don't care how painful it is,
you've got to hold them together.
you are the circuit bridge.
b-b-but...
I need, uh...
bigger than a bread box?
I need, uh, uh...
the title of a movie?
animals and their natural habitats?
the title of a book?
things that are being electrocuted?
I got it!
miles--
5.
zero.
we did it!
we did? we did it!
can I borrow your tent?
sac-com confirms destruction of the inbound.
what about the rest of their inbounds?
there are none, sir.
both the u. s. and Soviet response chain on full recall.
damn.
recalled.
place them under arrest-- all of them.
wait! we don't know these men.
we were kidnapped.
that's right! kidnapped!
yes! we were. we were at the drive-in.
as the disarmament talks here
continue through closed sessions
last night and on into this afternoon,
a feeling of positive anticipation
is shared by everyone in the press corps.
the doors to the conference room
are opening.
I see the chief United States delegate
mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume.
mr. Fitz-Hume.
hi, ed.
everybody at home is most anxious to know
how things are going in there.
well, ed, right now
we're at an extremely sensitive juncture.
and, of course, the slightest misperceived
phrase or gesture
could upset everything we've achieved today.
now if you'll excuse me, ed...
thank you, mr. Fitz-Hume.
thank you, Ed.
mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume,
chief state department negotiator
here at the disarmament talks
re-entering what he has called
"the delicately balanced negotiations."
comrade!
ok.
"what little richard song
"was the title of a 1950s movie
starring jayne mansfield?"
good golly, miss molly?
great balls of fire?
wrong! it was the girl can't help it.
sorry. you lose.
Eastern Europe.