Right! Now!
This is Mr. Bennett, and he's going to be taking the boys for football.
Mr. Bennett foolishly wants to be a teacher.
-Look at the fucking shell suit, man. -Fucking wanker.
-I don't fucking believe it. -Fucking yeah.
What you fucking looking at?
Er, less fucking and more attention please.
Something you might have said to your boyfriend that, Gina.
Right, girls, onto the other pitch with me. Come on.
-You, boy. Why aren't you playing? -Forgot me kit.
Don't make him play, sir, he's shit.
Balls, Mr. Bennett!
Right. Look, I want you joining in, yeah?
-You ain't playing, Gangel. -Fuck off, McBride.
Ste! Come on.
Oi! What's his name?
Hugh, sir. Hugh Janus.
Hugh Janus (Huge Anus), get back here now!
Hugh Janus!
Janus, are you deaf?
Oright, Sandra?
Slag!
What happened?
-School burnt down, did it? -Yeah.
Oh, what was it this time then? IRA bomb?
-Fundamentalist Muslim Pyromaniacs. -Oh funny that,
looked all right when I walked past it. -Yeah. Funny that.
Look, you're not too old to be taken over my knee, young man, d'you hear me?
-The whole o'bloody Thamesmead can hear you. -Yeah, well..
-You have gotta start doing your games!! -Why?
Coz you have, that's why! -Who says? -I says!
-I hate football! -You never used to!
Well, I do now!
You know what I'm gonna do now, duntcha?
Juggle with 'em?
You know what they'll do, don't you!
They'll put you into care. They'll say,
'She's an unfit mother, bang 'im into one o'them homes, coz I mean,
she can't even get him to do his PE.' That's what they'll do.
She's throwing away everything I was saving for me kids. Books, toys.
-I don't want kids. -Kids are cunts.
-Anyone been calling you names? -Like what?
-I dunno. Stumpy? -No.
-I told you it's stop. -I know.
-I told you you'd grow. You never take the blindest bit o'notice of me, do you?
-I do! -Oh yeah?
Well, how comes every Wednesday afternoon without fail you're standing there?
-I've told you. -Oh, have you!!
Call the village band out. Bid me goodbye.
-What you doing? -Singing.
-What? -I'm just a girl who can't say no!!
Heard of Mama Cass?
No, sing it.
-What? -Go on.
-No way. -I won't laugh.
Call the village band out. Bid me goodbye.
Everyone stand outside and cry.
Never thought so many Thought me so dear.
I'd be happy any place but here.
One way ticket take me anywhere,
Northbound, southbound, I don't even care.
I know the grass is greener there.
Well, keep going!
-Might persuade him to get back to school! -Libs!
-It's not natural, isn't it? -What ain't?
For a girl her age to be into Mama Cass.
She's got a really beautiful voice!
And whassamatter with Madonna?!
She's a slag!
Hypocrite!
-Oright, Ste?! -Ste!! Oright?
Yous two been bunking off together, have you?
Not together, no.
-Oright, Mrs. Gangel? -Well, it's nice to see someone can stay at school for the full day.
-We had football today. -It's the wrong season for football, innit?
-Student teacher. -Ah, is that the problem?
-No. -Well, what is then?!
-I best get in. -Ah, Ste...
I'm doing the tea.
Stick it on, then come back out here.
Bubble and squeak, Leah. You can't leave bubble and squeak.
Gotta watch it , like a hawk.
Don't that make you fart, bubble and squeak?
Only if you've got a fat arse.
There was a phone-in this morning on Richard and Judy about delinquent children.
I shoulda rung in.
-I'm going in. -See ya, Ste.
-Well, whose fault is it then? Eh? -The system.
I am a victim of the education...thingamabob.
Wasteland.
You're a victim of your own big mouth more like.
Leah, love, get in here and peel some taters for tea, will ya?
Kiss my arse.
You! Indoors, she's a bad influence.
She's a bad influence!
-Right, you don't peel no taters you don't get no tea.
Jamie!
Rainbow's gone anyway.
-That'll be the phone. -Well, it wouldn't be the bloody Hoover bag, would it!
Yeah, I know. I know Miss Chauhan. But see, Miss Chauhan...
He's got a really funny tummy. You know?
I mean...he really wanted to do football today but he got taken short, see.
And when he got to the boy's loos, it was all locked up...inexplicably.
So he had a little accident, you know.
Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't agree with you more, Miss Chauhan.
I mean, when I was at school I was reserve captain of the Under Sixteens' netball team,
so I can appreciate, yeah, the like, value of exercise and sport.
I mean, I would hate you to think this was any reflection on me myself.
I'm going to work.
There's a cheese salad in the fridge, and the one with the beetroot's for Tony.
I don't need a babysitter.
I know what you need.
Shooting!
-I heard that! -Yeah, well..
you could hear a zit burst in Australia, you, couldn't you?
If you shot me you'd have to go to prison and live off gruel.
Don't tempt me.
I'll be checking your homework when I get in, so be warned.
Oi, Rose!
At a boy, Ste!
Get her to turn it down, will ya?
What d'you think I'm tryina do?
Me ole man's tryina get some kip in there!
Yeah, and I'm tryina make chips!
She's locked herself in her bloody room, ant she?
Leah!!!
-I'm on tablets, you know. -Can I get in and try?
I give up.
Leah! Leah!
This is my idol!
Leah, love, spare a thought for all the nice people who live round here!
Some of them don't like Mama Cass, you know!
Well, they should!
Leah, please!
Oh I suppose I should be glad it's not techno...acidic...
housey housey...pop...trash.
Leah!!!
What's all the bloody noise?
It's her, she can't control her kids!
I've only got the one, you know!
Just as bloody well!
Rose, turn that bleeding racket down, will ya?
D'you think I'm enjoying this?
Leah!
Oi! Mush!
Is that Trevor?
You only had to ask, Trevor. You know I'd do anything for you.
Or..to you.
I wouldn't touch it with his.
See you later!
Thank you, Trevor.
Trevor! Trevor!
Your mum told me straight, you know.
Problems. Been there.
Walking cross the park, game going on, my heart, you know, races.
Scared. Jamie.
Scared of the ball coming, you know, near me.
Hey, we can fight this together.
Fancy a knockabout?
No, me neither. But some time, yeah?
It looks like fried shite.
Trevor, make us a sandwich.
-But... -Trevor!
Fuckin'ell!
I can't eat all that.
Where d'you meet my mum?
Planet earth.
Where?
Oh, you know, out and about, here and there.
What's a place?
It's somewhere where, you know, shit happens.
Yeah, but where?
Gateways.
She turn you on?
Sure.
She's thirty-five!
What's age? Age is just...
a number. You know?
Mum said you was a painter.
I know why she chose you, she needs the lounge done.
Only had it painted last year.
Like that, my mum, goes off things fast.
She might go off you. Won't be laughing then, will you?
Is that a spliff?
Give us some.
-Hey. -What?
Your mum's gonna be all right.
Dry Martini and lemonade please.
Pint o'Pilsner.
Lou? Ho served her?
I dunno.
You. Out! You're underage.
I'm only drinking Coke!
You'll be drinking blood when I slap your face, now move it.
Oh, you're so hard.
Was that a threat?
Yeah, and here's another..
Get out before I call your childminder.
Oh, come on, Slasher. I can't be arsed.
Slasher? What d'you slash? Crepe paper?
He's incontinent!
Sandra!!
Louise taking care of you, Mr. Barr?
Of course..A word.
Jamie, how old are you?
Old enough. How old are you?
Twenty-seven. Not old enough to be your dad. Right?
What?
Sure...
What?
It's just..shit, innit?
What?
The whole..concept. Yeah.
Anyway, I think we should just like.. move towards getting away from all that.
Right?
Please, Trevor, I'm sorry.
You'll breeze it, princess. Unless you really balls it up, the job's yours.
What sort of questions will they ask?
You're interviewing for a new barmaid. You got three birds up for one job.
You say, 'If you find a fiver on the floor at the end of the night, what d'you do with it?'
First bird goes, 'I'd hang onto it then ask round the next night to see if anyone's lost it.'
Second bird goes, 'I'd out it in the till.'
Third bird goes, I'd pocket it. Finders keepers.'
Who d'you give the job to?
The one with the biggest tits!
I'd bet me own flat..
be down Stringfellows every night.
I'd get a big drug problem.
I'd get me own miniature poodle..
and I'd get a make-over. You could do all that if you had your own pub.
I haven't even had the interview yet.
One of these days I'm going to dripping in money, I am.
-Right, this is me. See you tomorrow, babes. -See you, love!
Ste?!
Ste..
I'm not going back there.
I know, love.
Tony, make him a sandwich.
What?
Tony!
What's it to be? Pastrami and fettuccine on rye?
Tony. Just make him a sandwich please.
You'll have to top and tail with Jamie, I'm afraid.
Ronnie!! Trevor?! It's me Sandra!!
Your little Steven's round at our place tonight.
I've every mind to report you Ronnie? Are you listening to me?
This is Sandra here and I'm not happy!
Fuck off, you meddling cunt!!
This has got to stop!
What are you reading then?
Er, it's me mum's.
Oh, yeah? I've seen that in the shop.
-Hello! -Hello!
-What bit you reading? -It's about Sally from Coronation Street.
What, the blonde one?
Yeah. Says her real name's Sally an' all.
-What, in real life as well as on the telly? -Yeah, I hate that name.
D'you always wear glasses when you read?
-Supposed to. -You don't in school.
-Hardly fetching, is it? -Nah, looks all right.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm telling ya.
-How's your sandwich? -Cheese and salad. Bang-on food.
-Good for your sports, that. -That's right. Good for your spots an' all.
-You haven't got any spots. -Yours are clearing up.
Cheers.
D'you fancy that Sally?
Not really. Do you?
Haven't given it much thought really.
D'you fancy her next door?
-Fancy Leah? -She fancies you.
- Don't! -I'm only saying.
Jamie!
You goin' sleep?
-Yeah, I'm knackered. -I'll turn the light off.
Ste?
Mm?
You oright?
Yeah.
Right.
Ste?
What?
Night.
Night, Jamie.
The second applicant says, 'I'd put it in the till.'
The third applicant says, 'I'd keep it for myself.'
'Finders keepers.'
To whom would you offer the job?
Well, it's obvious, innit? The bird with the biggest tits.
Though seriously I'd have to say I'd be more keen on the third applicant.
At least I'd know where I stood with her.
You have children, Mrs. Gangel?
That's an easy one. Yeah, a son. Jamie. He's ever so nice.
I really fucked that up, didn't I?
You'll hear soon, princess.
Yo!
Pervert.
Sorry?
I think you'll find the word pervert is a serious no-no.
Anyone who goes out with that ole slapper has to be a pervert.
Come again?
Your bird.
Sandra?
She talks to me like I got cunt written on my forehead.
You shouldn't use words like bird.
You wanna watch yourself. Sandra's got a reputation.
I'm saying nothing.
Anyone got a match?
Yeah, my arse your face.
Your arse ain't that nice, love.
Oh, grow up.
Oi! Linda Lusardi! Get in here and cover yourself up!
Get us me ball back!
Get it yourself!
You okay today, Ste?
Yeah
I went to have a look at a new school today. There's only twenty kids in the whole place.
There'll be twenty-two if you go. You and Mama Cass.
-Is it residential? -No.
Shame. Coulda given you an 'and packing.
Coulda packed that fat bitch and her music an'all.
You shouldn't speak ill of the dead!
Ere, shame how she died.
-How did she die? -Choking on a sandwich!
Now you know why I tell you not to gobble your chips down.
-Wasn't she heavily into drugs? -Was she?
Well, if you're that fat, drugs are a happy release.
She mighta been happy being fat!!
If she was so happy being fat, Jamie, why did she die choking on a sandwich? Eh?
Why wasn't it a walloping great fry-up or somin'?
It mighta been a bacon and egg sandwich.
No, it's coming to me now,
it was beef or chicken, somin' definitely low in cholesterol.
-Hark at her, the fountain of all knowledge. -Yeah, well
When you can keep up with the questions on Bob's Full House you can get back to me, all right?
-I'm more of a Mastermind man. -Liar!
Anyone see University Challenge last week?
Me neither.
Tony, crack me open another one.
I fancy somin' wet dribbling down the back o'me gullet. Whaddya say?
I say ditto, right.
You can say whatever you want, love. Better in than out, d'you know what I mean?
-Oh, shut up! -Oi! Manners!
-Me mother never taught me none. -He makes me die, he does.
That is the intention.
Oh! I bet you don't speak like that to your ole man, eh, Ste?
I don't speak. Full stop.
Oh, no offence, Ste. D'you know what I mean?
-Mum! -I gotta get in.
-You do that, Ste. -Going boxing with me dad later.
What, can't enough of it, eh, Ste?
Nah. Spectating.
Weren't so funny when that bloke o'yours beat you up, was it?
Oh, you're so clever, aren't you?
Well, just remember, you, I give you them brains, so think on.
I always thought you'd had a lobotomy.
-What did he say? -Explain it to her, Tony!
-Lobotomy? It's when you split your... -Yes!I know what it means, Tony!
I work all the hours God sends just to keep you in insults.
If this was my pub I'd have you barred.
Well, go on then. Bar me, kick me out. You wouldn't dare!
Oh, look at you. Butter wouldn't melt.
But that's all right, Jamie. I've got your number.
You got my number? Well, I've got yours, Sandra.
So why don't you try and be a bit more like a mother to me?
Oh, pull that one on me.
I'm a terrible mother who don't know her arse from her elbow.
I never has a mother so what do I know about bringing up kids?
I'm not surprised she abandoned you!
You skinny little bastard.
Am I like my dad?
No, you're like me.
How am I weird?
Give it a rest, Jamie. Christ.
You said it.
You're all right. Okay?
So you got me for a mother, but who said life was easy?
You are. You're all right.
D'you wanna come the boxing?
Shut up.
-Got a spare ticket. -Leave me alone.
-You all right? -Apparently.
They think I'm a piece of shit.
Jamie?
D'you wanna watch The Sound o'Music?
-It's on Sky, Jamie! -We're goin' asleep!
OK. Sorry, lads.
It's me mum's. Body Shop.
Peppermint foot lotion. Soothes your feet.
Lie down and I'll rub it into your back. If you want.
Cold, innit?
Yeah.
I'm gonna work at the sports center.
Yeah?
Do me shifts in the fitness pool, do me shifts in the leisure pool.
I know I can do it.
You're a good swimmer.
You're on your own when you're swimming.
I'm gonna stink of mint.
-Peppermint. -Peppermint.
Have you ever..kissed anyone? And stuck your tongue in?
Looking like this?
You ain't ugly.
They've made me ugly.
I don't think you're ugly.
Turn over, I'll do your front.
I can't.
I'm..I'm too sore. I'd make too much noise and then your mum'd come in.
Jamie? Sorry, love. -Who played the baroness?
-Eleanor Parker. -That's it!
I wanna show off to Tony. Sorry, lads. Won't happen again.
-Turn the light off. -No.
-Please. -I don't wanna.
Can I come up that end with you?
-No. -Please.
You stay where you are.
-Satisfied? -Mm. Night.
D'you think I'm queer?
Don't matter what I think.
Can I touch you?
I'm a bit sore.
Yeah.
-Great kid! -Fuck off, I'm minding her for my cousin!
Motherhood suits you!
Yeah, well, at least if I did get pregnant I wouldn't get rid of it like...
some slappers I could mention.
Yeah, well, you're with the black hole o'Thamesmead love, not me.
-Where you going? -Out with me mates.
Jamie, you haven't got any mates.
-I'm going to a party. I won't be late. -I know.
Knocked around for you a few times. Thought you might come round.
It's hot. Bloody heat wave, Jamie, and you expect me to be indoors?
No, it's just, you know, just a bit weird.
I was out. All right? What's weird about that?
-Been worried about you. -Don't be.
-Well, I was. -Well, don't be!
Nothing's happened, yeah? I'm all right. I'm pukka.
Everything, everything's pukka.
-You're black and blue. -Give a rest, Jamie.
Oh, things getting better then, are they? Daddy laid off the fist work?
-Or haven't you burned the tea lately? -I said leave it out!
-You're scared. -I ain't scared o'nothing.
-Yeah? -Yeah!
Last week, right.. I went to Woolwich.
Coming out of this shop and there's this geezer in the gutter, pissed out of his skull. Lying there.
And everyone was walking past him. I had to step over him.
And it was my old man.
Got me to thinking on the bus. Why be scared of a bloke who's dead to the world?
When he knocks ten different types o'shite outta ya.
He's an embarrassment. He's nothing more, he's nothing less.
-Why be scared o'that? -Scared o'being called queer?
Are you?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
-And are you? -Queer?
Gay?
I'm very happy.
I'm happy when I'm with you.
There, said it now. Go on, piss yourself.
No.
Why not? Don't you think it's funny?
I don't wanna.
I think it's hilarious.
Well, why aren't you laughing then?
D'you wanna come round tonight?
-Say somin'. -I Can't.
Well, say no then.
Look. Let's get a drink, eh?
Scrub me back, Tony.
Tony?
Tony, what's the matter?
Tony?
It's just..something Leah said.
Leah?
Right. I'll look away. Yous lot keep talking.
-Then as a surprise, hit me over the head with the tongs. -What?
-It's an experiment. -Man, I'm wired.
I don't understand this, d'you want me to hit you hard?
Yeah. Ah here Ste, you do it, you're stronger than her.
-No! -I can fuckin' do it!!
Come on. Talk.
-I said talk! -Is anybody else wired?
'Ere. Read this!
Mama Cass wasn't allowed to join the group because Phillips didn't think her range was good enough for his songs.
But one day when Cass was decorating at home, a lead pipe struck her on the head
-and when she recovered from the resultant concussion... -Say it..
Lo and behold her voice had changed.
You twisted little bitch.
-How dare you say all those things to my fella? -La-ah!
I lost that baby, you venomous little cow!
You could never turn Tony's mind against me, Leah, d'you hear me?
Coz he sees you for the interfering little slapper that you are.
-I wanted it to change. -Yeah, well, some things never change.
I wanted it to change!
A leopard never changes it spots and a slapper never changes her knickers.
-Be told. -Man, I'm tripping.
Come on, Tony.
-Fancy a drink, babe? -Have a wank, Big Bollocks!
Is that your mum, Gangel? No wonder you're fuckin' nuts!
You shouldn't have said that to Tony.
-Don't you start. -Should I call an ambulance?
Call a vet, have it put down.
Hey Ste! You got any of them Es left?
-No! -Please, Steven!
-No way! -Come on, Jay, let's go..
Give us an E. Or I'll spread it round where you slept last week.
What?
-Dunno what you're talking about. -He slept on the couch.
Not what I heard. Top to tail, your mum said, very nice.
Take no notice, Ste.
-What would your dad say? -Piss off, Leah!
-What would..your Trevor say?
-Leah! -Try it!
-I don't like hitting girls! -Oh, hit me then. Go on. Hit me.
-You stupid queer! -Ste, come on.
Oi! Trevor already knows!
You know what them flats are like, walls paper-thin!
Why d'you think he's been twatting the face offa you, eh? He knows!
There's nothing to know!
-Top to tail? -You know fuck all!
-Oh, really? -Yeah, really.
But I know this much, I've been sticking up for you. For the pair of you.
Told him I knew you'd slept on the couch, told him I'd been in and seen.
I goes, 'You shouldn't say things like that about your own brother, they're just mates.'
Nothing happened.
-When was the last time your Trevor hit you? -What's it to you?
-I bet it was Thursday. -So?
You see, that's when I told him. That's when I lied.
-Give her an E. -Nah, it's all right.
I'm not after sympathy.
-We going then -Are you fucking stupid or what?!
-Ste... -Get your hands off of me!
-Ste! -Get your fucking queer hands off of me!
-Oright? -Oright.
-What you doing? -Oh not a lot.
Claire's mum's got some vodka back at their house, aint she, Claire?
-Yeah, half a bottle. -We're going back there now.
Claire's mum works at the all-night garage. Don't she, Claire?
Yeah. Her name's Mary.
D'you fancy some vodka, Ste?
Oh, not really.
-Well then. See ya. -See ya.
Come on, Claire.
I suppose a shag's outs the question then?!
-I'm going now. -All right, love.
Oi!
-What's his problem? -Oh, he's in love, that's all.
No!
-Yeah, I'll see ya! -See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
How d'you fancy going to Greenwich? The Park. Legs astride the Meridian, as they say.
I gotta sort out the week's rota for work.
You're addicted to that pub, addict!
Don't knock it, there's money to be made in booze.
Is that all you want outta life?
All I want is enough money to buy a decent pair o'shoes that don't let in the rain.
-I can get you shoes. -No, Tony, it's all right.
-I can make you shoes. -Tony!
Right. I'll do some hoovering or whatever.
-But I thought you said you wanted to go to the park! -No problem.
-Yo, Ste! -Oright?
'Ere, Ste. Any beans to spill?
A little bird told me you're in love.
What?
Four-letter word love!
Oh, don't look so worried, Jamie told me all about it.
She's jealous, twenty years younger, could've been her.
-Come on, what's she like? -Well, what's her name then?
-No! -Oh, short for Nolene? Very Home and Away.
It's about time too, you deserve a bit o'luck, coz you're all right, you are.
'Ere, buy Nolene a present with this.
-Get her some flowers. -Sandra, I can't take your money.
Oh, I had a good night for tips last night, go on.
It's for his bird.
Do you have to use words like that? It really disempowers you.
Nolene busy tonight, was she?
Got you this.
My, what a pretty hat. It's the prettiest hat I ever did see, Master Steven.
Does this mean we're engaged?
What?
Tony.
Sort me out.
It just don't feel right. Here. Your mum and Tony on the other side o'that door.
My ole man and Trevor next door.
I got an aunty in Gravesend, thought we could go there one night coz she's deaf.
But that don't feel right either.
You cannot transmit the HIV virus via frottage.
-What's frottage? -Yoghurt. It's French.
Dear Brian, I am twenty-three, black, and gay.
I am happy being with a man, but get a horrible feeling that people are going to talk about me behind my back,
and not accept me as I am.
Also, my family don't know. Unhappy, north London.
Get over that river, mate. I'll make you happy!
Find page ninety-two.
It's the bottom right-hand corner.
It's a pub. One-eighty bus goes right to it.
So?
Look at that. Isn't that beautiful?
You'd never get it through the front door.
Yeah, well, you never know when you're gonna be living somewhere else do you?
That is a work of art.
Claude Monet couldna done better.
Get a life.
D'you know who Claude Monet is?
Jamie, don't make me out to be thick.
You just remember I won a year's supply of toilet freshener for making up that poem.
That took brains and artistry, that did.
Can you imagine it though?
Me and you with our feet up on a cold winter's night?
-On that. -Sandra!
Who was he then?
He painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
-And I haven't finished with you yet. -Miss Chauhan.
-See ya! -Have a cool time, kid!
You rung to talk about my little git of a son?
You seen Jamie?!
I love you. You're marvelous. Well, Petra, I hope your leg gets better.
She still thinks she's in Baby Jane.
Fancy wheeling me round the back, mate?
Excuse me, what's going on here? Petra, dear?
Bit young for you, isn't she dear? Looks like she's just out of Pampers.
Shut up, you. What's your name, petal?
-Jamie. -That's lovely.
Oh, Jamie, you make me feel like I just wanna get my breast out to you.
I feel like chicken tonight!
So, Jamie, I think I'll have two of you,
and ten of your mate! Hello.
Well, I've got my work cut out. I'll see you after the break. Trar.
Oh, don't you wish your leg was better, Petra.
See you later! Mothercare, here I come!
-Oright, Leah? -Leah? Who's Leah?
Had a nice night?
Yeah.
-Got pictures? -Yeah.
-What, with Ste? -Yeah.
This is no time for lying, Jamie!
It's not a lie!
You went the Gloucester, didn't you?
Look at me!
Only went for a drink.
That's where gay people go.
It's not just gay people go, other people go.
Oh, people like you?
Yeah.
-Miss Chauhan rang me today. -That old bag?
-You never told me you kept getting hit! -Everyone gets hit!
Oh..
and does everyone get called a queer bent bastard and all then, do they?
-You're pissed. -No I'm not.
You're pissed from a bloody gay bar.
-How d'you know it's gay anyway? -Because it's got a bloody great pink neon arse outside of it.
You been spying on me?
No. Someone at work saw you go in.
Well, it don't mean I'm gay. They wanna mind their own business.
-That's what I said. -Well, what you going on at me for then?
Because sometimes, Jamie, I can put two and two together and make bloody four.
-I'm not bloody stupid, you know. -I went for a drink. Big deal.
-Everyone in my class goes drinking. -Yeah
But they don't all go the bloody Gloucester though, do they?
-Some of 'em take drugs, at least I'm not doing that. -No, I bloody hope you're not!
Ah, well, thanks a lot. Thanks a bundle. Go back to bed.
-I can't sleep, Jamie. -Well, don't take it out on me.
-Will you just talk to me, Jamie? -I'm knackered.
Jamie. Please. Just talk to me.
What about?
I'm your mother.
Some things are just hard to say.
I know. I know that.
You think I'm too young. You think it's just a phase.
You think I'm gonna catch AIDS and...and everything.
You know a lot about me, duntcha?
Don't cry.
It's oright.
I'm not gonna put you out in the morning like an empty bottle.
There was me goina bed of a night worried coz you had to share a bed with Ste.
And all the time you were... you were doing a seventy minus one.
I like the lad, Jamie. But he hasn't seen any life.
-He's good to me. -Is he?
Yeah.
-What have you done now? -Nothing.
Then why's she so upset?
Coz I'm a queer! A bender! A poufter! A nobshiner!
Brown hatter! Shirtflaplifter!
I...I get the picture.
Leave me alone.
-And she knows this? -No, I thought I'd tell you first.
This is...it's...
It's cool.
Good night, kidder.
He was...
He was the most beautiful baby in Bermondsey.
I used to push him round, in a frilly hat,
in a big blue pram called 'Queen of the Road'.
None of that's changed.
-You're fighting it, hon. -Fighting?
I've been fighting all my life.
Kids picking on him. I was there.
Council saying bullocks to benefit. I was there.
When I had three pee in my purse and an empty fridge, I went robbing for that boy.
So don't talk to me about fighting.
You? What have you ever had to fight for in your life?
Thank you. Thank you to all members of the Academy.
This award means so much to me.
I've never won anything in my life before.
I'd like to thank my manager and my band. But most of all...
-I'd like to thank one very special person. -What the...
The woman from whom all energy flows.
This award is as much hers as mine.
The woman who gives me so much... inspiration.
-Let's hear it for her...Mama San! -Leah.
-People say to me, they say... -Leah, are you drunk?
-'Where d'you get your energy from?' -Leah...it's two o'clock in the morning.
-And I say, "Hey... -Has she taken something?
-Mama San.' -Is your mother in?
Mama San, get on down, honey. Your vibes are shooting through me now.
-Is she working nights? -Don't ever let the light leave you, Mama San.
Rose! Leah, get your keys out. Hurry up.
Have you taken like a trip, you know?
-Jamie! Leah, let me have your keys please. -Don't shout at her.
-You're giving me bad vibes, Mama. -She's on something.
Jamie!!
-You're an old man, and I don't like old men. -That's cool, it's no problem.
Well, it is a problem actually, Tony, don't pander to her
-What's going on? -Rose?!
I saw a video about Woodstock once.
Leah, get in here and turn your bloody music down!
-Oh my God! Tony! -Leah, what the...
-Bloody hell, Leah! -Tony, get her down! Tony!
Leah. Leah, have you taken a trip, you know?
-Get down, you silly cow. -Sandra!!
'Ere, body language, Tony!
-Oi!! You!! Pack it in, will ya! -Oi!! Arsehole!! Fuck off!!
-There's no need for that y'arl hewer!! -Oh, Jamie, help us!
-Betty, it's them again! -I can see that.
Right?
-How am I supposed to sleep with that row going on? -It's all right, babes, you're safe.
-Oh, I'll be glad to get off this bloody estate. -What?
-I've been offered a job if you must know.
Temporary licensee in a pub in Rotherhithe. Nice little flat above it.
Thanks for telling me.
Snap!
-Leah?! -Oh, leave the silly cow.
We can't just...
Tony! Tony!
Right, Jamie indoors.
Ste, she knows.
-Me mum knows. -Oh why d'you have to go and grass?
-I never! -Well, how comes she knows?
Because she never came down with the last shower.
Jamie, get 'im a hanky. There's a box of autumnal shades by me bed.
Leah!!
Mama Cass!!
I don't believe in secrets.
I like people to be straight up and honest.
But I'm not fool.
D'you think I want these flats infamous for child murder? No. So I won't be telling your dad.
He'd kill me.
-Yeah, I just said that. -No, he would!
Yeah, I think we've established that already actually, Ste!
-They all would! All of them! -I'll bloody kill you in a minute if you don't stop sniveling and shut up!
You're a good lad. And that's what counts.
And...somewhere..
-you'll find people that won't wanna kill you. -No I won't.
-Well, you've found the Gloucester. -I hate it.
-Well, somewhere else then, shut up. -There aint nowhere else.
There is actually, Ste.
There's an island in the Mediterranean called Lesbian,
and all its inhabitants are dykes. So, I think you got your eye wiped there.
Now wipe 'em properly.
-Fuck me. -No, we'll have none of that here.
I'm going to bed.
Five minutes.
Right, Sandra. Night, Sandra. Cheers, Sandra.
Yeah, that's me name, Ste, don't wear it out, eh?
-I wished I was the one that was going away. -Nothing ever happens round here.
I gets up in the morning, bake me face in half a ton o'slap,
tong me hair with yesterday's lacquer. And that's it.
It's the same every bleeding day.
There's fuck all to look forward to.
-What 'bout your new school? -Fell through.
-D'you wanna come to the Gloucester? -Do what?
Gay pub.
-Don't know any gay blokes. -Yes you do.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-There'd be plenty o'men. -Yeah.
And they all dance backwards and never get married.
See, I told you.
You're going Woolwich, intya?
-What? -Yeah.
-Pub crawl then Stars Nightclub. -You'll pull dressed like that.
Why don't you come down to the Gloucester with us?
-Ring the other girls and tell 'em you'll meet 'em later. -Jamie!
You don't know how to enjoy yourselves, do you?
There's a male stripper on tonight as well.
-Louise. -Yeah?
I will never have grandchildren.
Ah.
-Don't suppose you've got any jobs in your new pub? -No.
But if I ever do turn it into a brothel, I'll get back to you, okay?
Well...gotta get in. Get ready.
I'm going out with Ste and Jamie tonight.
-The Gloucester? -Yeah. I intend to find meself a nice dyke tonight.
Coz I'm telling you, I'm through with men.
-Well, if I had a camera now. -What?
-Well, I'd take your picture. -Tony. What are you doing?
-Can't keep away from you, babes. -I told you I was going out with the girls from work.
-Thought I could tag along. -It's a girls' night out, you'll only be bored.
-I want to celebrate too. -Yeah, I know, but I told you.
They'd mind?
I'll mind.
How about one little kiss to send me on my way. Something to think of till tomorrow.
Stop it.
Well, I'll ring you.
-Tony. -Look, when's your next night off?
No.
No. Tony. I think you better go.
'Ere, stick that down the chute for us, will ya?
-What you doing? -Staying in.
-Laters. -Yeah.
You'll be seduced by a lesbian, Leah.
Why don't you come the bingo with me?
But don't you see, Mum? I am a lesbian!
Oh no!
-Anyone about? -Nah.
Dance with me.
'Ere, Leah. Gizza little drag on that.
Come on then.
-'Ere, Ste! -What?
Imagine your dad's face!
-'Ere, Leah. -What?
-What's this dyke gonna be like? -Ooh, big and butch.
-What color eyes? -Green.
-Tall? -I'll have to look up.
-Nice. -Yeah.
Yeah.