I'm going to be smashed before we even get there.
Yep, that is what pre-drinks are for.
Have a nibble, line your stomach.
Eating's cheating. It's your hen night.
If the room ain't spinning, you ain't winning.
Never mind the spinning, she needs her head examined.
Getting married this young.
Thought she'd have learned her lesson.
Who invited her anyway? Nah, she's right.
If I looked like that, I'd be boinking me way from Bow to Pimlico.
THEY LAUGH Oi!
There's nothing wrong with settling down early if it's with
the right man.And Halfway's lovely.
So's chocolate ice cream, but don't mean you've gotta limit your scoops, does it?
I mean, there's vanilla, strawberry, and mint choc chip.
Well, I'm very happy with my scoop, thank you very much.
I'll cheers to that.Me, too.
THEY GIGGLE
WHITNEY:Where is Mr Grey, anyway?
Down in the Red Room, preparing the swing, or...
THEY LAUGH
He's away on business, thank you very much.
And the kids are at a mate's house, so Mumma is letting her hair down.
THEY CHEER
THEY GIGGLE
Who have you been talking to? Wouldn't you like to know?
I've got a little surprise lined up for the wedding, all right? You wait.
Right, then, girls.
Let's finish off these bottles.
And then, we have got some hen-pecking to do.Hen-pecking?
Yep, I've brought a list for these girls to get you goodies tonight.
And I've got a feeling we've got just the right hens for the job.
We sure do.
Right, glasses up.
Here's to a goodnight, cheers! THEY CHEER
Hey, look, listen, I just wanted to say a few words before we start.
He's not going to cut his hand and make us blood brothers, is he?
All right, lads, all right.
HE COUGHS
My little brother is getting married tomorrow.
And I'm very proud of him - I mean, I always have been.
He's a great brother, and he's going to make a great husband.
I know he will.
And I know tonight's going to be perfect, cos he's picked the best
best man for the job.
HE CHUCKLES
I'm just happy to help and to stand here with my two best mates.
And Mitch.
THEY LAUGH
I didn't know you was going to be here this early.
I'm sorry, mate. It's cool, I'm just here.
THEY CHUCKLE All right, all right.
Yeah, all right, so...
So, here's to my brother.
The nicest, kindest, most honest bloke I know.
No-one deserves to be more happy than you.
I love ya, Bruv.
And Whit's a lucky girl.
Cheers.
Cheers.Cheers.Cheers.
So, who else is coming?
Robbie's on his way, and Jay and Ben are locking up, they won't be long.
Ben's coming?Yeah.
Is that a problem?
Nah. Course not.
It's a stag do.
A group of drunk, handsome, straight men you can try and turn.
This is your dream night out, ain't it?
Look, mate, some fella rung up earlier about a motor.
I'll just stick about here in case he turns up later, all right?
All right, well, look, give it half hour and get yourself over, yeah?
Cos we lose a good man tomorrow, we want to send him off in style.
All right? I'll see you over there.
KNOCK ON DOOR
All all right?Course.
I've got a few things to sort out, so I'll be back a bit later on.OK.
You've got all the hen stuff sorted, under control, yeah?
Er, I hope so.
'80s tunes, free prosecco and Karen Taylor - a bit of a dodgy mix.
Anyway, I was just checking you was all right. Yeah.
After the latest...
What latest?
Well, the police have caught the other three boys that did the runner, but...
..Hunter's still out there.
Well, it's probably good news.
You know, cos they can focus on him now, can't they?
They'll find him in no time.
Yeah, it's good news.Yeah.
I'll see you later.
All right, explain it again.
Right.
You pick out a soldier, all right?
I say, "Fix bayonets".
You adopt the pose, or you have a shot.
Do you understand?Look, look...
What's the difference between that and that?
Right, this geezer's pointing that way, the other geezer's pointing
the other way, OK? Why are you complicating this?
But they are really similar, Mick. Look at that.Why don't you do it?
Why don't we just play Who Are Ya?
Right, so we pick a job.
I dunno, roadsweeper, or a barman, or whatever.
And I say, "Who are ya"?
And then, you have to mime the job, or do a shot. That's easy.
Yeah, I like it.Me and all, I'll be an astronaut.
You won't be an astronaut, will ya, you'll be a soldier.
We're playing Toy Soldiers. It went down a storm on Lee's stag.
And how'd his marriage turn out?
Look, why don't we just play both? I'll be a...milkman.
How you going to mime milkman? Easy, it's just milk.
Stop that.What? Right, where's Stuart?
Said he'd meet us over the Vic.
Right. We'll have a liven up and have one more, yeah?
Because...
..I've got something booked for later.
PHONE CHIMES
Blimey.
Where'd you park the Segway?
Or has somebody nicked your skateboard?You're funny.
HE CHUCKLES
So, you got the skinny jeans, then?
In all fairness, they're going to come in handy round here.
I mean, them poor pickpockets'll have a nightmare, getting their
hands inside those bad boys. Get your hands off.
They ain't skinny fit, they're slim fit - I've got big thighs, ain't I?
Secondly, I've been up all night with Abi in A&E, so give me a break.
I gave you hard time... but it happens.
I mean, what kid ain't shoved something up their nose?
PHONE RINGS
PHONE CONTINUES
We all need a wake-up call now and again.
To work out what's really important to us.
Just make sure this is the last one. PHONE CONTINUES
Ahem.
PHONE CONTINUES
SHE WINCES
That tastes like petrol! I like them.
I'd have brushed my teeth with that back in my day.
I didn't know you were coming, Rainie?
Well, I AM the groom's brother's girlfriend.
So...I'm sure my invite must be in the post, yeah?
Where are they?I don't know, but they need to hurry up,
because we have a long list.
They ain't going to be able to get hold of a pair of boxer shorts.
Here'ya! What's next? THEY CHEER
How did you manage that?
Would you argue with them pair? Here we go, girl!
THEY LAUGH Here!
I'll wash them for Kush.
Waste not, want not.
LAUGHTER
Come on, then, what's next?
Right...Linda and Sonia.
You have to hen-peck a free drink.
CROWD OOHS No, no, no, thank you. No!
Let's play another game, let's do that Drink If You've Ever one.
Yeah, I'm not degrading myself for a free drink.
Sorry, didn't you pose topless once?
LAUGHTER
Erm, OK. Erm...
Drink if you've ever...
..kissed your boss.
Whoo!
LAUGHTER
Pimp counts as a boss, don't it?
JEERING LAUGHTER
Alcohol is so wasted on you people.
Actually, I will get that free drink.
Come on, Karen, you can help me. Come on.
Come on, Karen.
HUSHED LAUGHTER
Mick, these soldiers are American with modern weapons.
Well, it's not a re-enactment, is it? It's a stag do, so...
Well, you can't shout out "fix bayonets" if you haven't got
any bayonets, can ya? Don't make sense.
He's right y'know?It's from a film.
Ray Winstone says it, you know, as a joke.
Oh! You think war's a joke, do you?
If it wasn't for people like us, you'd still be speaking German.
Calm down, Ted...I'm sorry.
These kids, eh, Patrick?
Soppy dates, the lot of them.
Thanks for the drink, son.
NERVOUS CHUCKLING
One, two, three - who are ya?
Yeah, got one.
HE CHUCKLES
Come on, sit down. Bang 'em away.
Do I have to? You know the rules, son.
What's the time? I said I'd text Whit every hour.
Oi, oi! The Stag ain't allowed his phone. Is he, Mick?
Yes, that's right. I was just about to say that.
Where you been?Sorry, I just had to...sort something out.
What are you doing?
WHISPERING:Walking on the moon.
Am I safe yet?
THEY CHUCKLE
Has somebody spiked his shandy, or what?
Right. So, Kush is home with the kids, all we're waiting on is Ben.
Any value, Jay? Cos we ain't got long.
He ain't even answering his phone.
So what are we having? Same again? Yeah.
Oi, oi, oi!What?
Get that down ya, son.
THEY CHUCKLE
Here we go.
The good stuff.
Right.
THEY GIGGLE
One for the bride...
..one for road...
SHE LAUGHS
SHE COUGHS
..and one to celebrate young love, eh?
Oh, I'm celebrating, all right.
With that perfect, little figure and breathless voice...Oh.
"Morning, Mick."
I mean, would you want her round your old man all day and night?
No, I'll drink to getting rid of her.
Hey, all right, love? Here we go.
Hen-pecked for your pleasure.
NERVOUS CHUCKLE
Wow...do I really sound like that?
I'm sorry.
No, Linda.
Look, if me and Callum have... even half the relationship you
and Mick have...
..we'd be really lucky.
Come on.
Let's have a dance.
Come on!
SHE GIGGLES
All right, what can I get you?
Er, double vodka and lemonade. No ice. Cheers.
Is this Dutch courage? Yeah, Dutch, Danish, and the rest.
This your pub? Er, no, it's my brother's.
I'm just helping out.
He's best man on that stag do over there.
Stag do? I've had messier school nights.
SHE LAUGHS
Erm, where's your toilets? Just round there.All right, thanks.
Who was that?I dunno.
They're barking up the wrong tree, though.
She ain't just on my bus, she's driving it.
Ohh. SHE CHUCKLES
Mmm, they're for Ted and Patrick. What you having?
What have you done to him?
To who?You know who. Where's Ben?
He ain't going to spoil your night. That's all you need to know.
You tell me where he is, and you tell me now.
I saw your face drop when Mick mentioned him, I thought I...
I was trying to help.
What have you done?
He's in the Arches.
I'm sorry, bruv.
Honestly, I'm really...Yeah.
BELL CLANGS
Everyone! Er, listen.
As you may or may not know, Halfway's getting married
in the morning.
CHEERING
And tonight's his stag, so - and as his best man, I'd like to
invite you to buy him a booze.
You know, tell him to have it on his toes, "last night of freedom"!
And all that caper! LAUGHTER
So...let's raise our glasses. And...
..I hope his old woman treats him better than we do tonight, eh?
LAUGHTER
Hey, Halfway? Halfway?
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Where is he? Where's the stag?
He'll be sicking his guts up outside.
Listen, we're going to have a good night tonight. Trust me!
Listen, don't worry about it.
LAUGHTER
My name's Sully.
And I'm your stag Sumo.Eh?
Whoa! What are you doing? Mick!
Mick, get him off me! Get him off me, Mick!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Was that a Sumo?Oh, yeah.
I did say skinny, white shirt, didn't I?
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Ben?
LOUD KNOCKS
Where is he? I'm going to kill him! All right...Where is he?!
Just calm down!
What you going to do if I don't, Callum? Eh?!
Come on...it's your move.
DISTANT POLICE SIRENS
Just leave it, Ben, please! Get off me!
Just get off me!No! Ben.
I just - I don't want any more trouble.
You don't know what you want.
I didn't...
I am so sick of everyone thinking they know what's best for me!
I know what's best for me! I know!
I'm so sick of this!
HE COUGHES
HE VOMITS
Here.Is that really necessary?
Oh, I've been asking myself that for many a year.So's Sonia.Oi!
OK, OK, I've got one.
Drink if you've ever wore...
..eat-able underwear?
Do you mean edible? And what would you know about that?
All right, all right! Knickers what you can eat,
drink if you ever, go!
SHE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Oh! I've got one. I've got one, right.
Drink if you've ever... got it on with Ian Beale.
THEY SCREAM
Bottoms up, girls.
THEY CHEER
I hope that's diet, or she'll have no teeth left by the morning.
LAUGHTER
SHE CHOKES
Rainie?Is she...?She's choking! Look, she's choking.
THEY SCREAM
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry, Mo!
You all right?Right, come on!
Drink if you've ever seen a pensioner hit by a plastic willy!
LAUGHTER Oi, behave!
Oh! This is my song! Come on!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Is it still hurting?
Here.
We've still got a whole week's worth left.
It'll ease.
I promise.
PHONE CHIMES
That'll be the passports.
Not long now. Nearly there.
Just get better, yeah?
Your bald-headed freak of a brother locked me in a car boot,
and I've just cleaned up your sick.
I'm not drinking alone.
Go on, then.
Let's get it over with, yeah? Go on, say it.
What do you want me to say?
That I'm weak, I'm stupid, that I'm lying to myself.
Have I missed anything?
Do y'know what? You're right, Ben.
Yeah, my head is all over the place.
Most days, I don't know whether I'm coming or going,
or how to put things right, but that doesn't mean I don't love her.
This and her are two completely different things.
Whitney means the world to me, and right now,
that is all that matters.
This...
..whatever's happened before - it is over.
Cos I ain't like you, Ben.
I ain't stuck in the past, thinking everyone's against me,
trying to fighting the world all the time.
I'm looking forward, and not back.
And right now, I've got a stag do to go to.
You missed "coward".
You say you love her, right?
She means the world to you?
If that's true, how are you going to stand there tomorrow...
..and marry her on a lie?
You are going to hurt her, sooner or later.
And you know that, Callum, because...you ain't stupid.
You are weak.
And you're lying to yourself.
And you are a coward for keeping her in the dark about
who you really are.
You're right.
So, let me just get this straight.
Not only you booked a middle-aged man, yeah, in a nappy -
he's got to stick to us like glue because part of his fee
is getting free drinks? Is that what you're telling me?
Yeah? All right, OK.
Look, I'm sorry, all right? I thought it'd be funny.
Well, what's funny about it? It is a bit - it is a bit funny.
Assault is not funny.
It is funny when he dropped you on your head.
TINA: If I weren't into women already, I definitely am now.
MITCH:Wait a minute, brother man. Where did you find this geezer?
Rainie's mate recommended him.
Well, that explains it.
What are you saying, mate? All right, all right.
Listen, if we can get rid of him before Halfway comes back,
then we stand half a chance.
All right, boys?All right?
Whose round is it, then? Sumoing's thirsty work.
What you having? Double brandy and Diet Coke.
Diet?
Sugar's poison, lads. My body's a temple.
You shouldn't be here.
Sorry, I'm sorry. All right, mate. Excuse me, sorry.
How come he just gets in...?
Oi, oi! Mwah!
MUSIC: Never Tear Us Apart by Joe Cocker
# For a thousand years
# But if I could hurt you
# I'd make wine from your tears... #
THEY SQUEAL
SQUEALING CONTINUES
What are you doing here, love?
You shouldn't be here! No!
Oh! SHE LAUGHS
What's happened?
I need to talk to you.
Be back in a minute.
Remind me to get some chewing gum on the way home.
If my missus smells beer on me, I'll be on the couch for a week.
I told her I was working late.Yeah.
So, you going to tell me what this text was about, or what?
I had a word with Murphy - off the record.
If you want to come back on the firm, you've got the green light from him.
You what?Now, you can take this as a compliment, or as a damning
reflection on how desperate we are for half decent plod.
But either way, if you want to be a copper again, you can.
I don't blame you for being wary, but I know you, Jack.
You're a copper.
You look like a copper. You think like a copper.
Oh, is that right?You know it is.
If you're born with the curse, you might as well get paid for it.
HE SIGHS
This is just about you and Habiba again, isn't it?
Why can't you two just get along?
Er, no, it's nothing like that. It's just...Just what?
Hmm? Well, what is it, then?
You're not pregnant, are you?
What? No!
Nothing like that, Dada.
I want you to meet somebody.
Meet who?
DOORBELL RINGS
Where have you been?
Have you been drinking? Course I have.
If you think I'm outing my girlfriend and meeting her
grandparents sober, you've got another think coming, babe.
Hello.
Who might you be?
I'm Ash. It's lovely to meet you.
I mean, normally I'd say no, cos I hate fashion shows with a vengeance.
But it's free food and free drink, so it could be a laugh.
What do you think?
What's the matter?
Nah, it's just what happened with Abi.
It's just a bit of a wake-up call, that's all.
It can't happen again, all right? She needs to come first, so...
..I just need to sort myself out.
I need to focus on her.
I just need to slow it all down a bit.
What, so you're breaking up with me?
Look, what I mean is... No, I know what you mean.
Just calm down, all right? Calm down? You...
You brought me to your restaurant to break up with me, and you want me to calm down?
What is this, at home ground, or what?
Somewhere public so I don't kick off, are you serious?
I didn't mean it like that, did I? No, you know what?
Let's slow it down, yeah?
Slow it right down to a stop.
A doctor? Wow.
Your family must be very proud.
So, I presume you come from a successful family of doctors, eh?
Well, not exactly, no.
I mean, they're successful, yeah, but...in their own way.
I've got washing to do so. Let's leave these two alone, shall we?
It's always nice to meet Iqra's friends.
She's more than a friend.
Ash...
..is my girlfriend.
HE CHUCKLES
Well, at least... she's a doctor, eh?
Whatever makes you happy, Iqra.
OK...let's do something, yeah? Let's take you out.
For a meal? A cup of tea? A drink?
Anything. Our treat. Let's celebrate!
I have washing to do. Sorry.
What? But I thought...
You two go. Enjoy yourselves, celebrate.
I'm happy for you, Iqra.
Oh!Oh! Sorry.
You going to watch where you're going, or what?
Doubling up as a part-time nurse?
Glad I bumped into you, actually.
I've had no luck with that address you gave me for Lisa.
So, I need your help tracking her down.
I told you everything I know. I can't help you any more.Er!
You sure about that?Yeah, I am.
OK, well, look, I'll tell ya what.
Seeing as I'm such a nice guy, I'll give you until...
..ten to jog that memory of yours.
Then me and you, we'll have another chat...right?
It was always going to end in tears.
Look, I'm all for a midlife crisis,
if I can lend a courtesy convertible.
But...I'm too old for a seater on a fixie bike.
No, she just made me happy, that's all.
I know I'm not young any more, but she made me feel it.
It felt good to be happy.
I'm just looking out for ya.
You and Abi. You know that, right?
PHONE CHIMES
Denise is going to E20 for Whitney's hen do, apparently.
So, come on.
If you're lucky, you may not be the oldest person in the bar tonight.
THEY LAUGH
This is your brother, innit?
He's got you all into some big fight.
What did I say to you?
We should've had a joint stag and hen, then I could've kept
my eye on him.Whit, just stop.
I'm fine.
What's the matter?
I am so sorry.
Hey...listen, don't worry.
Don't worry, whatever it is, we'll sort it, eh?
Cos we sort everything, don't we?
I cheated on you.
What?
With who?
Ben Mitchell.