>>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN
ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE
TONIGHT SHOW STARRING
JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS
GUESTS -
SETH MEYERS,
WHITNEY CUMMINGS
MUSICAL GUEST PUSS N BOOTS
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW
>> Questlove: 1219
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY
WELCOME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW.
YOU'RE HERE!
YOU'RE WATCHING.
I APPRECIATE IT.
WELL, YOU GUYS, EARLIER TODAY,
ELIZABETH WARREN ANNOUNCED THAT
SHE IS DROPPING OUT OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
YEAH, AFTER A LOT OF THOUGHT
AND REFLECTION, WARREN REALIZED
SHE WAS OVERQUALIFIED FOR THE
JOB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT, ELIZABETH WARREN
SUSPENDED HER CAMPAIGN
MOST DEMOCRATS WERE PRETTY SAD,
WHILE MIKE BLOOMBERG THREW A
A PARTY AND GOT BACK IN THE
RACE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT'S -- I
THINK IT'S SAFE NOW.
NO ONE'S GOING TO HIT ME
OH, PERFECT.
HONESTLY, I CAN'T SAY I BLAME
WARREN FOR DROPPING OUT.
I MEAN, IF THERE WERE EVER A
A TIME YOU WANT TO STOP SHAKING
MILLIONS OF HANDS, THIS MIGHT
BE IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW THAT WARREN IS OUT OF THE
RACE, JOE BIDEN AND
BERNIE SANDERS ARE BOTH TRYING
TO WIN HER SUPPORT
THAT'S RIGHT, TWO GUYS IN THEIR
LATE 70s ARE FIGHTING OVER A
A WOMAN.
THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE AN
ELECTION
IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EPISODE OF
"THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE, "BUT BLANCHE, WE
HAVE SOMETHING."
YEAH, THIS AFTERNOON, BERNIE
REACHED OUT TO WARREN
SUPPORTERS AND INVITED THEM TO
HELP HIS MOVEMENT.
AND THIS COULD BE THE FIRST
MOVEMENT THAT BERNIE HAD HELP
WITH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
PRUNES
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪
[ APPLAUSE ]
MEANWHILE, THE HEAD OF THE -
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, AHEAD OF MICHIGAN'S
PRIMARY, JOE BIDEN WAS JUST
ENDORSED BY DETROIT'S TOP TWO
NEWSPAPERS
YEAH, BIDEN AND NEWSPAPERS HAVE
SOMETHING IN COMMON.
THEY BOTH CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE
STILL AROUND
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT AFTER A DISAPPOINTING
FINISH ON SUPER TUESDAY,
BERNIE SANDERS SAYS HE NEEDS
MORE YOUNG VOTERS.
AND KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU'RE
BERNIE SANDERS, PRETTY MUCH
EVERY VOTER IS A YOUNG VOTER
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, THIS IS A NICE THING
LAST NIGHT, VERY AMAZING,
DAREDEVIL NIK WALLENDA WALKED
A TIGHTROPE THE LENGTH OF SIX
FOOTBALL FIELDS OVER AN ACTIVE
VOLCANO ON LIVE TV
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
♪
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW MAN, IF I REALLY
GET IT
IS HE ATTACHED TO A WIRE OR
SOMETHING?
>> Steve: LET ME SEE
>> Jimmy: LET ME SEE THAT
AGAIN.
CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: WAIT, SO IF HE
FALLS --
>> Steve: HE DANGLES
>> Jimmy: HE JUST DANGLES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: BUT NO ONE'S GOING TO
GO GET HIM
>> Jimmy: I -- IT'S
A DIFFERENT --
>> Steve: NO ONE'S GOING TO GO
GET HIM.
>> Jimmy: MAYBE -- SOMEONE'S
GOT TO GET -
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, HE JUST COOKS THERE?
>> Steve: YEAH, HE JUST COOKS
THERE.
>> Jimmy: HE JUST COOKS --
OH, NO
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: SET IT AND FORGET IT
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: REALLY
OH, I APOLOGIZE.
THAT'S REALLY -- SORRY, I
DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A THING
I DIDN'T WATCH THE SHOW.
OH, THAT'S AWFUL
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE PART IN
THE MIDDLE THAT REALLY MADE ME
A LITTLE NERVOUS FOR HIM
TAKE A LOOK.
♪
[ PHONE RINGING
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: CHECK THIS OUT, I SAW
THAT RUSSIA IS OPENING ITS OWN
VERSION OF DISNEYLAND CALLED
DREAM ISLAND
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: IT COSTS OVER
A BILLION DOLLARS TO BUILD
AND PEOPLE IN RUSSIA ARE REALLY
EXCITED.
CHECK OUT THIS AD THAT THEY'RE
RUNNING FOR IT
>> HELLO, RUSSIA
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FUN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN COME VISIT AMAZING AND
BEAUTIFUL DREAM ISLAND
WE HAVE EVERYTHING FOR WHOLE
FAMILY LIKE GIANT TALKING MOUSE
THAT ESCAPED FROM CHERNOBYL,
HIGH-SPEED ROLLER COASTER AND
CAROUSEL YOU GO ON WITH
SHIRTLESS VLADIMIR PUTIN
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND DON'T FORGET TO INTRODUCE
LITTLE ONES TO PRINCESS --
DREAM ISLAND, OPEN ALL SUMMER
LONG FROM JULY 12th TO
JULY 13th.
>> Jimmy: THAT LOOKS GOOD.
THAT LOOKS GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SOME BUSINESS NEWS, I READ THAT
PEOPLE ARE BUYING PELOTON
EXERCISE BIKES SO THEY CAN WORK
OUT IF THEY'RE QUARANTINED
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW YOUR
BUSINESS MODEL' IS OFF WHEN THE
BEST THING FOR THEM IS THE
CORONAVIRUS AND THE WORSE THING
IS CHRISTMAS
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER CLOSING BECAUSE OF THE
CORONAVIRUS, THE LOUVRE JUST
REOPENED
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: WHEN SHE HEARD THAT,
THE MONA LISA WAS LIKE -
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SAW THAT TITO'S VODKA HAS
SPENT THE LAST 24 HOURS --
TITO'S VODKA HAS SPENT THE LAST
24 HOURS EXPLAINING TO
CUSTOMERS THAT ITS VODKA CANNOT
BE USED AS HAND SANITIZER.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS
WOW.
>> Steve: WHAT A WORLD
>> Jimmy: BUT ACCORDING TO
ELIZABETH WARREN, THIS MORNING,
IT MADE FOR A PRETTY DECENT
BREAKFAST.
>> Steve: OH
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS CRAZY.
I READ ABOUT A THERAPY DOG IN
VERMONT WHO WAS JUST ELECTED
MAYOR.
THE DOG IS ALREADY SO STRESSED
OUT FROM THE JOB, HE JUST GOT
A THERAPY HUMAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, A WOMAN IN OREGON
FILED A LAWSUIT AFTER HER HAIR
GOT CAUGHT IN A TICKET COUNTING
MACHINE AT CHUCK E. CHEESE
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A SERIOUS LAWSUIT
IF THE WOMAN WINS, SHE CAN BE
ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING OFF THE
BACK WALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
GIVE IT -- GIVE IT UP FOR THE
ROOTS RIGHT THERE, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE A REALLY FUN
SHOW TONIGHT
A VERY, VERY FUNNY SHOW
TONIGHT.
THE ONE AND ONLY SETH MEYERS IS
HERE
>> Steve: COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WE LOVE SETH
ALSO, ONE OF MY FAVORITES,
WHITNEY CUMMINGS IS HERE
>> Steve: OH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: SUPER FUNNY.
AND WE HAVE GREAT, GREAT MUSIC
FROM PUSS N BOOTS, EVERYBODY
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
ARE YOU FIST BUMPING
>> Steve: I GUESS, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THAT OR ELBOWING
>> Steve: MAYBE ELBOWING
I DON'T LIKE IT.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I THINK I FIGURED OUT A NEW
THING.
>> Steve: WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO DO
>> Jimmy: WELL, THIS IS A BIT
AGGRESSIVE, RIGHT?
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: FIST -- IT MEANS
VIOLENCE TO ME
>> Steve: RIGHT.
THE FISTS THIS IS VIOLENCE
>> Jimmy: SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
LIKE, HITTING FIST TO FIST
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW
WHAT, IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME."
IT'S LIKE SPARRING
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: ELBOWS TO ELBOWS
IT'S LIKE --
>> Steve: LIKE WHEN I DO IT.
>> Jimmy: THE CHICKEN DANCE OR
SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE A NEW THING
>> Steve: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT DOING.
>> WRIST TO WRIST.
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS
GUESS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
>> Steve: NICE
>> Jimmy: A HEART.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: LIKE SHAZAM?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
WHAT DID YOU SAY
>> Jimmy: IT LOOKS LIKE
A HEART.
DOESN'T IT
>> Steve: WHAT KIND OF HEART -
>> Jimmy: AND YOU GOT TO -
>> Steve: OH, THERE WE GO.
THERE YOU GO
MAYBE --
>> Jimmy: YOU GO TO DO -- THE
PROPORTIONS HAVE TO BE PERFECT
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Tariq: NO, NO
>> Jimmy: BUT TARIQ, WHAT'S UP
MAN?
LET ME JUST TRY.
ME AND TARIQ HANGING OUT
♪
>> Jimmy: HEY, HOW ARE YOU
DOING, MAN
>> Tariq: HEY, WHAT'S UP
>> Jimmy: NICE TO SEE YOU, MAN
>> Tariq: COOL
>> Jimmy: THAT'S STUPID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Tariq: NO
>> Jimmy: FUNNY, MAN
>> Tariq: NO, THANKS
>> Jimmy: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE.
THE NEW THING, WRIST TO WRIST.
WHAT'S THAT?
>> Steve: YOU WANT TO SPRAY
YOUR WRIST
>> Jimmy: YEAH, CAN YOU PLEASE
NO, NOT THERE.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN
IT'S GOING TO TAKE OFF
>> Tariq: NOPE
>> Jimmy: LOVE
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: LOVE
>> Jimmy: LOVE, WRIST TO WRIST
>> Steve: WRIST TO WRIST
>> Jimmy: THIS IS TOO MUCH
WELL, WE COULD DO THIS
PEOPLE ARE KICKING FEET, RIGHT
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Tariq: YEAH, WE DID THAT
YESTERDAY.
YEAH
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> Steve: HOW ABOUT A HEAD NOD
WINK
>> Jimmy: YEAH
BUT --
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THAT LITTLE NOISE YOU MADE
FEELS LIKE SPIDDLE JUST COME
OUT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: HOW ABOUT IT A
A SNEEZE -
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT
>> Steve: MORE POWER TO YOU.
>> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE -- I FEEL
LIKE THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ME
THOUGH
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WHAT ABOUT -
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T GO -- AND GO
LIKE THAT.
>> Steve: THUMBS TO GUNS
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
YOU GO LIKE THIS
HEY, RIGHT
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE FONZIE
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
HEY.
>> Jimmy: GUNS ARE VIOLENT
>> Steve: GUNS ARE VIOLENT, YOU
ARE RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: THEY'RE VIOLENCE TO
ME
I DON'T LIKE -- I'M ANTI --
EVEN FAKE GUNS
>> Steve: HOW ABOUT PINKY BUMP
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT FEELS WEIRD
>> Steve: THAT IS WEIRD.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WHOLE TOWN'S WEIRD, MAN.
>> Jimmy: PINKY BUMP
>> Steve: PINKY BUMP
>> Jimmy: THAT'S TOO WEIRD
I THINK --
>> Steve: TIP, PINKY TIP
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN DO THAT?
>> Steve: YEAH, JUST HANG
LOOSE.
>> Jimmy: SURE, THAT'S DONE.
THAT'S SURFERS
>> Steve: BEEN DONE.
>> Jimmy: SURFERS WILL GET MAD
"DON'T TAKE OUR THING, BRO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ DING ]
DUDE, IT'S -
>> Steve: IT'S GOING TO TAKE
OFF.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS BIZARRE
TIMES.
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: THIS IS TOTALLY
BIZARRE.
THE OUTBREAK
EVERYBODY IS FREAKING OUT.
PEOPLE ARE STAYING HOME FROM
WORK
>> Steve: YEP.
>> I'M SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
EIGHT TIMES WHILE I WASH MY
HANDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M TRYING NOT TO TOUCH MY
FACE
AND THAT'S THE HARDEST THING,
TOUCHING YOUR FACE
BUT I THOUGHT I WAS DOING
A GOOD JOB, BUT LAST NIGHT, MY
PRODUCERS TOLD ME THAT I KEPT
TOUCHING MY FACE THROUGHOUT THE
WHOLE SHOW
AND SO, THIS IS -- TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS IS ALL FROM LAST NIGHT
>> Jimmy: SOME LOCAL NEWS --
[ DING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND THE PEOPLE --
[ DING ]
OF SOUTH CAROLINA, DON'T GET -
[ DING ]
FOOLED
[ DING ]
♪
[ DINGING
>> Steve: WOW!
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S HARD NOT TO
TOUCH YOUR FACE.
SO TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO BE
EXTRA CAREFUL.
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: AND TO HELP, EVERY
TIME I TOUCH MY FACE, A BUZZER
WILL SOUND REMINDING ME NOT TO
DO IT.
CAN WE HEAR THE BUZZER
[ BUZZER ]
THERE YOU GO
AND MAYBE IT'S ATTRACTED --
IT'S ATTACHED TO AN ELECTRODE
THAT'S ATTACHED TO -
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY NETHER REGIONS.
>> Steve: DON'T TOUCH THOSE
EITHER
>> Jimmy: YEAH, SO IF I GO -
[ BUZZER ]
ALL RIGHT.
>> Steve: LIKE OPERATION
>> Jimmy: SO WE'RE GOING TO
KEEP TRACK FOR THE WHOLE SHOW
TONIGHT.
I'M NOT GOING TO KEEP TRACK FOR
THE WHOLE SHOW
WE HAVE GUESTS COMING ON
THAT WOULD BE DISTRACTING.
CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT FOR THE
FIRST ACT?
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: FIRST -- THEN ZAP ME
I DON'T THINK I'LL TOUCH MY
FACE
I HAVE SELF-CONTROL.
>> Steve: REALLY
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> Steve: OH, HEART.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT SHOULD BE OVER THE
HEART TOO.
>> Steve: OH, NICE, BUT WHOSE
HEART, YOURS OR THEIRS
>> Jimmy: IT DEPENDS HOW GIVING
YOU ARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO MAYBE WITH SOME POSITIVE
REINFORCEMENT, WE CAN ALL STAY
HEALTHY TOGETHER
>> Steve: YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
WE'RE DOING.
ALL RIGHT, IT IS TIME FOR
"TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS,"
EVERYBODY.
HERE WE GO
♪
>> Jimmy: HEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YOU KNOW, WE DO THIS THING
EVERY WEEK WHERE I SEND OUT
A HASHTAG AND WE ASK YOU GUYS
TO RESPOND TO THAT TOPIC
WITH SPRING BREAK APPROACHING,
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO
TRY #SPRINGBREAKINSIXWORDS
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: TO SUM IT UP IN SIX
WORDS.
FOR EXAMPLE, I SENT OUT A TWEET
THAT SAID, "PUT IT ON MY
TUITION TAB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WITHIN MINUTES, THE HASHTAG
BECAME A TRENDING TOPIC IN THE
U.S.
SO THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONG
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NOW I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE
SOME OF MY FAVORITE
#SPRINGBREAKINSIXWORDS
RESPONSES FROM YOU GUYS.
THIS FIRST ONE IS FROM
@SOPHIARDiCAPUA.
SHE SAYS, "TEN COLLEGE KIDS,
ONE MOTEL ROOM."
HEY, I'VE BEEN THERE
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I GOT THE BATHTUB."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS ONE IS FROM
@MICHELLE06172431.
THAT ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BUZZER ]
NO, I --
>> Steve: HEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T DO IT, BUT I
REALLY WANT TO DO IT
CAN I DO THIS?
>> Steve: YEAH, I'M DOING THIS
TO ITCH MY NOSE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
THAT BUZZER CAME A LITTLE TOO
QUICK.
>> Steve: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
GUESS WHAT, THEY'RE ON IT.
>> Jimmy: BUMMING ME OUT
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: I THINK THEY HAVE
SOMETHING AGAINST ME
>> Steve: WELL, THEY WANT YOU
TO BE HEALTHY.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS FROM
@MICHELLE06172431.
SHE SAYS, "HOW DID SAND GET IN
THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WHAT
>> Jimmy: WE KNOW -- WE KNOW
HOW IT GOT IN THERE.
THIS ONE IS FROM AT
@CLEARWATERS
>> Steve: NICE
>> Jimmy: THEY SAY, "DOWN FOR
A VACATION, LEAVING ON
PROBATION.
HEY, THAT'S --
[ LAUGHTER ]
BETTER THAN JAIL
THIS ONE IS FROM @CHICKATIE.
>> Steve: OH, SHE'S CHIC
SAY "CHIC.
>> Jimmy: SHE SAYS, "PLEASE
DON'T TAG ME ON FACEBOOK."
THERE YOU GO
[ LAUGHTER ]
SMART, THAT'S A SMART THING.
THIS ONE IS FROM @RONINTHEKEY.
HE SAYS, "HOW I LEARNED ABOUT
CREDIT SCORES.
WELL, THERE YOU GO, YEAH
THIS ONE IS FROM @DF WHEAT
>> Steve: @DFWHEAT
>> Jimmy: @DFWHEAT
>> Steve: @DFWHEAT
>> Jimmy: @DFWHEAT
DID YOU EVER MEET ANYONE WITH
THE LAST NAME WHEAT?
>> Steve: NO, NEVER.
WHEAT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WOULD SAY THAT'S
THE RUSSIAN BOT.
>> Steve: YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY
THE BOT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE THEY'LL FOOL YOU.
>> Jimmy: I MEAN, I KNOW BUCK.
>> Steve: BUCK WHEAT
>> Jimmy: YEAH, BUCK WHEAT IS
THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WITH THE
LAST NAME WHEAT.
>> Steve: YEAH, THAT'S IT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
OH, CREAM OF -
>> Steve: CREAM OF, DID YOU
SAY?
>> Jimmy: YEAH
CREAM OF WHEAT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: HI, THIS IS MY FRIEND
CREAM OF -
THAT'S A RUSSIAN NAME, CREAMOF
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY NAME IS CREAMOF
>> Jimmy: "CREAMOF."
>> Steve: "CREAMOF WHEAT."
>> Jimmy: NO, YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE SAYS, "CORONAVIRUS ISN'T
THE ONLY CONTAGIOUS THING!
OH, BOY.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
>> Steve: "HELLO
FIST BUMP.
>> Jimmy: THIS ONE IS FROM
@ALICENWONDERLAND.
SHE SAYS, "IN NINE MONTHS
LATER, YOU ARRIVED."
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪
THAT'S IT.
LAST ONE IS FROM @MATTHEWTSANG
HE SAYS, "SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS,
SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THOSE ARE "THE TONIGHT SHOW
HASHTAGS."
TO CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR
FAVORITES, GO TO
TONIGHTSHOW.COM/HASHTAGS
STICK AROUND
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SETH MEYERS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS
THE HOST OF THE EMMY NOMINATED
TALK SHOW, "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS," WHICH AIRS
WEEKNIGHTS AT 12:35 A.M., RIGHT
HERE ON NBC.
RIGHT AFTER US
WE'RE HIS LEAD-IN.
WE LOVE THIS GUY
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME, SETH MEYERS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> OH, THANK YOU
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY
THANK YOU!
>> Jimmy: SETH, WE LOVE YOU.
>> I THINK IT WORKED
>> Jimmy: IT WORKED PRETTY
WELL
YOU HAD TO WAIT A LITTLE BIT
>> YOU HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE
BIT, BUT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO
WAIT FOR FRIENDSHIP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> YEAH.
HEY, SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TOUCH YOUR FACE AND
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH MY
FACE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S CORRECT
>> THE THING I CAN'T -- THE CDC
GUIDELINES HAVE NOT MADE -- AM
I -- CAN WE TOUCH EACH OTHER'S
FACES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING THING.
>> YEAH, SO LIKE, WHEN I WANT
TO THINK -
>> Jimmy: OH, I SHOULD BE
LIKE -
>> I SHOULD DO LIKE THIS
YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH
YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT
>> SO, IF AT ANY POINT DURING
TONIGHT'S INTERVIEW IT SEEMS
LIKE I'M BEING THOUGHTFUL, I
INVITE YOU TO --
>> Jimmy: I WILL
>> BE -- CAUSE I THINK THAT'S
TOTALLY SAFE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S TOTALLY SAFE.
RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WE AGREE WITH THAT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ALRIGHT, LET'S CHECK --
SOMEONE'S CALLING THE CDC RIGHT
NOW.
>> THEY'RE GOING TO CALL THE
CDC RIGHT NOW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH
WE HAVE THEIR --
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE THEIR HOME
NUMBER
PERFECT.
HOW'S THE FAMILY DOING
HOW'S THE KIDS
>> THEY'RE GREAT
>> Jimmy: HOW OLD ARE THE KIDS
NOW?
>> THEY'RE COMING UP ON TWO AND
FOUR
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> SO MUCH FUN TO BE AROUND.
>> Jimmy: STILL LITTLE BABIES,
THOUGH, STILL CUTE
>> STILL LITTLE KIDS
WE JUST TOOK THEM ON A BIG
TRIP
>> Jimmy: OH, WHERE?
>> YEAH, WE WENT TO URUGUAY.
YEAH
>> Jimmy: THAT REALLY IS
>> YOU KNOW, CAUSE THAT'S LIKE
THE NEW DISNEY WORLD
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: URUGUAY?
>> YEAH, MY WIFE SAID WE SHOULD
GO TO URUGUAY, I HEAR IT'S
BEAUTIFUL.
AND SO I SAID, "SURE."
AND THEN -- AND THE PLAN WAS,
SHE SOLD IT TO ME LIKE THIS,
YOU FLY TO MIAMI FROM NEW YORK
AND THEN YOU GET ON A FLIGHT TO
URUGUAY THAT LEAVES AT 10:00 AT
NIGHT AND GETS THERE AT
10:00 IN THE MORNING
SO THERE'S NO JET LAG.
IT BASICALLY GOES STRAIGHT
DOWN, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: OKAY
>> SO, SHE WAS LIKE, "THE KIDS
WILL SLEEP ALL NIGHT
IT WILL BE EASIER - WAY EASIER
THAN YOU THINK IT IS."
SO, I'M LIKE, "GREAT."
THEN WE FLY FROM NEW YORK TO
MIAMI, AND ONCE WE BOARD THE
FLIGHT TO NEW YORK, WE GET AN
ALERT THAT YOUR FLIGHT FROM
MIAMI TO URUGUAY HAS BEEN
DELAYED 12 HOURS
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH IS THE NEXT DAY.
WHICH IS NOT A DELAY
THAT'S -- I'VE BEEN
RESCHEDULED.
THAT IS NOT --
>> Jimmy: THAT IS NOT -- YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S NOT A DELAY
>> IF YOU WERE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S
OFFICE AND THE DOCTOR WAS LIKE,
I'M GOING TO BE A LITTLE
DELAYED, SO JUST WAIT HERE TILL
TOMORROW
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO, THAT'S A
A RESCHEDULING, YEAH
>> YEAH.
SO, WE LAND IN MIAMI
WE HAVE TO TAKE A SHUTTLE BUS
TO AN AIRPORT HOTEL.
AND THE BUMMER, THE BURN IS,
WE'RE LIKE, WE'RE PILING OUT
EVERYBODY'S IN A TERRIBLE MOOD
AND WE GET OFF THE SHUTTLE BUS
AND IT'S JUST THIS SORT OF
NONDESCRIPT AIRPORT HOTEL AND
WE WALK IN AND MY SON GOES,
"DADDY, IT'S BEAUTIFUL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE WE GOING
TO URUGUAY?"
>> Jimmy: GOING TO URUGUAY
WE COULD JUST GO TO SEE --
>> HE LOVES THIS
>> Jimmy: HE LOVES THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH.
I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM THE ICE
MACHINE, HE'S GOING TO LOSE HIS
MIND
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH MY.
AND THEN, WE HAD CALLED AHEAD
AND SAID, "LOOK, WE NEED TWO
CRIBS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND THEY SAID, "ABSOLUTELY
WE CAN GUARANTEE THE CRIBS BUT
WE CAN'T SET THEM UP UNTIL YOU
GET HERE."
CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT WAS LIKE
11:00 AT NIGHT
YOU KNOW, OUR KIDS ARE NEVER UP
THAT LATE.
SO WE SAID, CAN YOU PLEASE HAVE
THEM SET UP BECAUSE WE WANT TO
COME IN.
AND THEY SAID, IT'S NOT OUR
POLICY
AND I WONDER WHY THEY WON'T DO
IT
DO THEY NEED TO SEE THE KIDS
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, LIKE, WE HAD A
A BIGGER ONE FOR THAT KID.
AND A LITTLE ONE -
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> OR I WAS LIKE, "DO THEY
THINK WE'RE LIKE SOME WEIRD
CRIB FETISH PEOPLE THAT
JUST --"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WE WANT TO SEE
YOUR KIDS FIRST BEFORE WE GIVE
YOU A KID'S CRIB
>> WE DON'T WANT TO JUST LET
YOU GUYS MESS AROUND IN CRIBS.
>> Jimmy: PUT SOME STUFF ON THE
INTERNET, YEAH
>> YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SO WE GOT A COUPLE CRIBS, AND
WE'RE LIKE SLAP HAPPY AT THIS
POINT.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S GONE
WRONG.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU THINK YOU
GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT
YOU NEVER DO, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, AND THEN THEY BROUGHT
ONE CRIB AND I SAID, "IT'S
TWO.
AND THE GUYS SAID, "OH, WE ONLY
HEARD ONE.
AND I SAID, "WE DEFINITELY
SAID, 'TWO.'
AND THEN HE DEFINITELY BROKE
PROTOCOL, HE SAID, "I WAS
SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT
THE REALITY IS WE'RE OUT OF
CRIBS.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
AND HE GOES, THERE ARE TOO MANY
PEOPLE HERE WHO NEEDS CRIBS.
AND I'M LIKE, OH, NOW ALL OF A
A SUDDEN I UNDERSTAND THEIR
POLICY TO SEE THE KIDS FIRST
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO JUST TELL
YOU WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY THERE
IN THE ROOM.
YOU'RE LIKE, UNPACKED.
>> AND SO THEN WE SAID TO OUR
OLDER --
SO THEY WERE LIKE, WE THINK
IT'S GOING TO BE A FULL
45 MINUTES TO GET ANOTHER CRIB
WE HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER HOTEL
AND OUR LITTLE ONE JUST
CRAWLED -- I'D NEVER SEEN HIM
DO THIS BEFORE, HE WAS SO
TIRED -- THE 2-YEAR-OLD.
HE BASICALLY VAULTED HIMSELF
INTO HIS OWN CRIB --
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> AND WAS ASLEEP BY THE TIME
HE HIT THE GROUND.
>> Jimmy: GOOD SLEEPER, YEAH
>> SO WE SAY TO THE OLDER ONE,
"HEY MAN, DO YOU WANT TO JUST
SLEEP IN BED WITH MOMMY AND
DADDY TONIGHT?
AND THEN, YOU KNOW THAT THING,
THE MINUTE YOU TELL A KID THEY
CAN'T HAVE SOMETHING, HE'S
LIKE, "NO, I NEED -- I LOVE
A CRIB!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S ALL, "I LOVE A CRIB!"
IT WAS LIKE, "I'M THE CRIB
GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH
YEAH, YEAH
THAT'S LIKE MY MOM AT
A RESTAURANT, ALWAYS LIKE, I
LOVE A BOOTH
I HAVE TO BE IN A BOOTH!
IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST A TABLE,
MOM.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> SO THEN, 45 MINUTES LATER,
NOW WE FINALLY GOT TWO CRIBS
AND WE GET OUR KIDS IN
AND AGAIN, WE HAVE TO WAKE UP
IN, NOW AT THIS POINT, THREE
HOURS TO GO BACK TO THE AIRPORT
TO GET ON OUR FLIGHT
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH
>> AND MY SON WANTED US TO PLAY
MUSIC BECAUSE SOMETIMES AT
NIGHT HE WANTS US TO PLAY SONGS
THAT HE LIKES.
>> Jimmy: SURE
>> AND SO WE'RE TRYING TO JUST
PICK ONE OF THE SONGS.
CAUSE, WE'RE LIKE, HE'S GOING
TO FALL ASLEEP AS SOON AS WE
PLAY A SONG.
SO WE'RE JUST TRYING TO FIND
SOMETHING QUIET TO PLAY FOR
HIM.
AND THEN HE AGAIN LOCKS IN AND
HE WAS LIKE, "I WANT 'JINGLE
BELLS.'"
THIS IS TWO WEEKS AGO.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BASICALLY WE'RE LIKE, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO PLAY "JINGLE BELLS.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS KID.
>> AND AGAIN, HE'S LIKE, "I
LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS KID.
>> I WILL SAY, IT WAS THAT
GREAT THING CAUSE I DO
SOMETIMES THINK TERRIBLE
VACATIONS BRING FAMILIES
TOGETHER, AND YOU TALK ABOUT
THEM THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,
RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YEP, THAT'S TRUE
>> IF A VACATION GOES TOO WELL,
YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND
NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
THIS ONE, WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT FOREVER BECAUSE ALEXI AND
I WERE IN BED HOLDING EACH
OTHER, SHAKING WITH SILENT
LAUGHTER
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO
REWARD THIS NONSENSE
>> Jimmy: YEP.
>> BUT OUR SON -- I WAS LIKE, I
THINK IN THE HISTORY OF THIS
AIRPORT HOTEL, NO ONE ON
FEBRUARY HAS BEEN LIKE,
"'JINGLE BELLS' OR I'M GOING TO
LOSE MY MIND!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NEVER.
>> NEVER
AND SO THEN WE -- THE NEXT DAY,
SO THEN AGAIN, OUR FLIGHT TO
URUGUAY, WHICH WAS TEN HOURS,
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT -- IT'S IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
SO IT'S TEN HOURS OF YOUR KID
BEING AWAKE ON A PLANE
NOT FUN AT ALL
GET TO URUGUAY, THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
REALLY GREAT, HAVE AN
INCREDIBLE TIME.
GET BACK, AND THEN I BRING MY
SON TO SCHOOL, YOU KNOW, THE
WEEK -- MONDAY AFTER WE GET
BACK
AND HE WALKS IN AND I JUST HEAR
HIM SAYING TO KIDS, LIKE, "AND
THERE WE HAD TWO CRIBS."
AND I'M LIKE, HE'S STILL
TALKING ABOUT THE HOTEL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HE LOVED THE HOTEL
>> ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS THE
HOTEL.
>> Jimmy: HE LOVED THE HOTEL
>> THAT WAS HIS STORY.
>> Jimmy: MORE WITH SETH MEYERS
WHEN WE COME BACK, EVERYBODY
STICK AROUND
HE LOVED IT, THAT'S ALL YOU
NEED
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK
WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH
SETH MEYERS, EVERYBODY
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: SETH MEYERS --
>> IS HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YOU DO SUCH A GREAT
JOB ON YOUR SHOW AND EVERYONE
UP THERE AT "LATE NIGHT.
BUT I WAS -- WHAT IS -- WHAT IS
HARDER FOR YOU, TO COVER THE
ELECTION ON YOUR SHOW, OR IS IT
HARDER ON "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE," LIKE WHEN YOU WOULD HAVE
TO PLAY SOMEONE?
>> WELL, I THINK THE NICE THING
NOW IS, YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST
BEEN IN THE BUSINESS A LITTLE
BIT LONGER I SORT OF KNOW MAYBE
HOW TO SAY THE THINGS I WANT TO
SAY BETTER
WHERE IS IT -- SO I'M MAKING
THE CHOICES ON MY OWN.
WHERE IS AT "SNL" YOU WOULD GET
ASSIGNED, YOU KNOW,
A POLITICIAN TO PLAY
>> Jimmy: I REMEMBER
>> AND THAT WAS VERY STRESSFUL
FOR ME -
>> Jimmy: REALLY
>> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THE MOST FAMOUS
POLITICIAN, MY CEILING, I GOT
ALL THE WAY UP TO JOHN KERRY
>> Jimmy: I REMEMBER THIS.
>> THAT WAS IN 2004.
YEAH
>> Jimmy: I WAS THERE.
>> AND I SINGLE-HANDEDLY TANKED
THAT CAMPAIGN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU DID NOT.
THAT WAS GREAT
>> IT WAS -- NOT A BAD
JOHN KERRY
RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GREAT
JOHN KERRY
YEAH
>> YEAH.
AND I RAN INTO HIM THIS SUMMER,
JOHN KERRY, THE ACTUAL
JOHN KERRY, WHICH IS KIND OF
EXCITING
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW -- I DON'T KNOW
YOU DID MORE IMPRESSIONS THAN
ME BUT WHEN YOU RUN INTO PEOPLE
YOU PLAYED -
>> Jimmy: IT'S AMAZING
>> IT'S A BIG DEAL
RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: SURE
>> AND HERE'S THE THING, I WAS
WITH MY KIDS EARLIER IN THE
DAY.
AND I WAS WEARING A STRAW HAT.
AND MY YOUNGEST SON WAS WEARING
A STRAW HAT BUT HE DIDN'T WANT
TO WEAR HIS STRAW HAT.
AND I HAD FORGOTTEN RIGHT
BEFORE I WENT OVER TO SAY HI TO
JOHN KERRY, 'CAUSE I WAS
CARRYING MY LITTLE ONE, THAT I
HAD PUT HIS STRAW HAT ON TOP OF
MY STRAW HAT
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO I WENT OVER AND I TALKED
TO JOHN KERRY.
AND I WAS FEELING GOOD ABOUT
MYSELF 'CAUSE WE HAD A NICE
INTERACTION.
>> Jimmy: HE WAS LAUGHING.
>> HE WAS LAUGH -- IT WAS LIKE,
"OH, IT'S GOOD."
THAT WAS NICE.
AND THEN I WALK OVER AND MY
WIFE SAID, "I TOOK A PICTURE OF
YOU TALKING TO JOHN KERRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T BE MAD, BUT I THINK YOU
FORGOT YOU'RE WEARING TWO
HATS."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS WHY --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> JUST A DUDE -
>> Jimmy: THIS IS WHY --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS IS WHY WE GIVE YOU
A LITTLE "WA-WAAA.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"THIS IS THE DICKHEAD WHO
PLAYED ME?
[ LAUGHTER ]
COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE WHITE
HOUSE IF IT WASN'T 'TWO-HAT'
MEYERS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ISN'T -- IT ALL WORKS
OUT THE WAY -- IT ALL WORKS OUT
FOR A REASON
>> YEAH, YEAH.
I GUESS SO
YEAH
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, THE NEXT
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IS JUST OVER
A WEEK AWAY.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND A LOT OF THE --
THERE'S A BIG SURGE ONLINE,
A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT YOU TO
BE -
>> OH, I WOULD HATE IT
>> Jimmy: THE MODERATOR.
>> I WOULD HATE IT
I THINK THERE'S NO -- THERE'S
NO WINNING TO BE A MODERATOR IN
THESE --
>> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
I THINK YOU'D BE -- YOU'D BE
GREAT.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY --
SOMETIMES WHEN I HAVE PEOPLE
WHO ARE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
ON MY SHOW -
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> I GET NERVOUS
I DON'T WANT TO INTERRUPT THEM
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE, "OH,
THEY'RE -- THEY'RE OUT TO GET
THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE
WORLD.
AND I'M DOING THEM A DISSERVICE
BECAUSE A LOT OF THEM CAN BE
SUPER BORING
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND BE -- MY RESPECTING THEM --
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD THIS
THING BECAUSE AGAIN, AT ONE
POINT, THERE WERE 24 PEOPLE
RUNNING FOR THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINATION
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND IT WAS INTERESTING
BECAUSE YOU WOULD SAY, "HEY,
OUR NEXT GUEST RUNNING FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION FOR
PRESIDENT.
AND THE AUDIENCE WOULD GO CRAZY
BECAUSE THEY WOULD THINK "OH,
MY GOD
I MIGHT BE SEEING THE NEXT
PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
AND THEN ABOUT TWO, THREE
MINUTES INTO THE INTERVIEW YOU
CAN HEAR THEM ALL SORT OF
FEELING LIKE, "THEY'RE NOT
GONNA BE PRESIDENT."
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH
>> Seth: "THIS PERSON'S NOT
GOING TO BE -- I DIDN'T KNOW
WHO YOU WERE BUT YOU DID KNOW
WHO YOU WERE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: "YOU ACTUALLY DID
KNOW WHO YOU WERE.
>> "YOU KNOW AND YOU THOUGHT,
'PRESIDENT?'
>> Jimmy: "WHAT?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOW.
>> "OKAY
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE FEELING PRETTY GOOD
ABOUT YOURSELF."
>> Jimmy: "SHOOTING FOR THE
MOON THERE
OKAY
SHOOTING FOR THE MOON.
YES, SEE, YOU WOULD NEVER DO
THAT
>> NO, I DON'T THINK IT WOULD
BE A LOT OF FUN.
AND PEOPLE, YOU KNOW -- YOU
KNOW, I THINK SOME OF THE
CRITICISMS ARE FAIR FOR THE
PEOPLE WHO MODERATE THOSE
DEBATES.
BUT IT'S REALLY HARD I THINK
TO -- YOU KNOW
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IT'S ALMOST
LIKE A NO-WIN JOB.
>> IT'S A NO-WIN JOB
>> Jimmy: EVERYONE'S JUST --
YEAH
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: "WHAT DOES KAREN
KNOW?," IS THAT THE BIT THAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.
"WHAT DOES KAREN KNOW?
WE HAVE A WRITER, KAREN CHEE
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS BIT.
>> THE YOUNGEST WRITER ON OUR
STAFF.
SHE'S 24, I BELIEVE.
AND WE REALIZED PRETTY QUICKLY
THAT 24-YEAR-OLDS DON'T KNOW
THE SAME THINGS AS
40-YEAR-OLDS
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW THAT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
>> AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S
LIKE TOO SMART FOR THEM.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THEY'RE MORE LIKE, "THAT'S
A DUMB THING THAT I DON'T CARE
ABOUT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH
>> AND SO WE WOULD MAKE
REFERENCES, LIKE POP CULTURE
REFERENCES, AND KAREN COMES TO
ME LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT
IS."
SO ONE OF THE WRITERS ON OUR
SHOW, WHO'S FAR CLOSER TO ME IN
AGE, MATT GOLDICH, CAME UP WITH
THIS IDEA WHERE BASICALLY I
WOULD HOLD UP ART CARDS AND
KAREN WOULD HAVE TO GUESS WHO
THEY ARE
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL GREAT
SHAME FOR YOUR ERA OF LIFE
WHEN YOU SHOW A PICTURE OF
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME --
>> Jimmy: NO
>> AND NOT ONLY DOES SHE NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS BUT THEN WHEN
YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY HE WAS
SO AWESOME, YOU REALIZE, "MAYBE
HE WASN'T.
YOU KNOW
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, YOU WE
WATCHED HIS MOVIES."
AND THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT WERE
THEY ABOUT?"
>> Jimmy: "HIS LEGS WOULD SLOW
DOWN ON TWO TRUCKS."
>> THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT WAS HE
GOOD AT?
YOU WERE LIKE, "KICKING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KICKING.
THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP
THAT GUY."
>> Jimmy: "HE JUST NEEDS TO
KICK PEOPLE.
>> "IN THE '90s, IT WAS JUST
KICKING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME.
>> Jimmy: WHO DID THE CABBAGE
PATCH DOLL
>> OH, YEAH.
WELL GARBAGE -- WE SHOWED HER
GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
GARBAGE PAIL KID
>> YEAH, WHICH IS ANOTHER HARD
SELL
BUT THEN IT WAS REALLY LOVELY.
THE PEOPLE FROM TOPPS, WHO MAKE
GARBAGE PAIL -
THEY MADE ONE --
>> Jimmy: BASEBALL CARDS
YEAH
>> THEY MADE ONE FOR -- FOR ME
AND KAREN.
SO WE HAVE OUR OWN GARBAGE PAIL
KID.
>> Jimmy: NO WAY
>> PRETTY BIG DEAL
YEAH
>> Jimmy: WHO DID THE ACTUAL --
REMEMBER THERE WAS LIKE --
SOMEBODY WAS DRESSED, I THINK
IT WAS "THE BACHELORS?
>> OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
WE DID THE CABBAGE PATCHLER.
WHICH WAS -- IT WAS "THE
BACHELOR" BUT --
>> Jimmy: DUDE
>> BUT -
>> Jimmy: WHOEVER DID THAT -
>> IT WAS TWO PEOPLE WHO
HAVE -
>> Jimmy: DESERVES AN AWARD.
>> TWO PEOPLE WHO HAD
RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY TO MAKE
THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE --
>> Both: A CABBAGE PATCH DOLL.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YEAH.
AND THEN IT WAS ABOUT THEM
FINDING LOVE ON "THE CABBAGE
PATCHELOR"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THE MAKEUP -- THE
MAKEUP WAS -
>> THE MAKEUP WAS INCREDIBLE
>> Jimmy: INCREDIBLE
>> BY THE WAY, I THINK WE DID
THAT A YEAR AGO.
YOU'RE LITERALLY THE FIRST
PERSON WHO'S MENTIONED IT TO
ME
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I LOVED IT
I THOUGHT IT WAS SO GREAT.
PROPS TO WHOEVER DID THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WHO DO YOU HAVE ON
THE SHOW TONIGHT
>> WE HAVE AOC,
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ
>> Jimmy: OH
>> AND WE HAVE JAMES TAYLOR.
HOW ABOUT THAT
>> Jimmy: WOW, I LOVE THAT
>> YEAH.
BIG SHOW
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU EXCITED FOR
THAT
>> I'M VERY EXCITED.
YOU KNOW WHO'S THE MOST
EXCITED, IS OUR FRIEND
MIKE SHOEMAKER
>> Jimmy: MIKE SHOEMAKER
>> BECAUSE AOC FROM THE BRONX.
>> Jimmy: YUP.
>> OUR PRODUCER MIKE SHOEMAKER
FROM THE BRONX, AND
JAMES TAYLOR, WHO HE CLAIMS IS
THE ONLY PERSON HE LISTENED TO
WHEN HE GREW UP IN THE BRONX
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THIS -- THAT'S SO PERFECTLY
FOR HIM.
>> Jimmy: HE MUST BE DOING
CARTWHEELS RIGHT NOW
>> HE'S VERY, VERY, VERY HAPPY
>> Jimmy: WELL, TELL HIM I LOVE
HIM.
ALL RIGHT?
>> I WILL, I WILL.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
SETH MEYERS, EVERYONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
STAY TUNED AFTER "THE TONIGHT
SHOW" FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS" WITH GUESTS AOC
AND JAMES TAYLOR
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
WHITNEY CUMMINGS
STICK AROUND
STAY UP TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS
A FANTASTIC COMEDIAN
SHE HOSTS THE PODCAST CALLED
"GOOD FOR YOU.
AND YOU CAN ALSO SEE HER
PERFORMING ALL AROUND THE
COUNTRY ON HER, "HOW DARE YOU"
TOUR
EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME
WHITNEY CUMMINGS
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> HI.
HI
>> Jimmy: WHITNEY.
>> HI.
>> Jimmy: I MISSED YOU
PLEASE
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME.
PLEASE
WHAT
THIS IS --
>> I'M WEARING A SUIT.
>> Jimmy: YES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
FANTASTIC.
>> AND I -- DO YOU UNBUTTON IT
WHILE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN?
WHAT DO MEN DO LIKE WITH THESE
THINGS
>> Jimmy: I THINK -- NO.
YEAH
>> SIT
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T SIT LIKE --
YEAH, YEAH
YOU'RE SITTING -
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SIT
>> Jimmy: NO, THAT LOOKS LIKE
A MAN WOULD SIT LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT NO, YOU HAVE TO JUST -- NO
>> SORRY
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I WOULD OPEN
IT
>> YOU UNBUTTON WHEN YOU SIT
DOWN
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU'RE GOING
DOWN
YEAH, WHEN WE'RE GOING DOWN
THEN YOU CAN -
>> WHAT DID YOU DO
THAT
>> Jimmy: I LEFT -- I JUST HAD
IT OPEN READY TO GO.
>> WAIT.
SHOULD I DO THE THINGS GUYS DO
WHEN THEY SIT DOWN WHEN THEY DO
THIS
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I DO NOT -- I DO NOT
DO THAT.
WHITNEY, I MISS YOU.
I LOVE YOU
>> HI.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Jimmy: CONGRATS ON THE
PODCAST, BY THE WAY.
>> WELL, I'M NERVOUS BECAUSE I
HAVE BEEN DOING A PODCAST AND
YOU CAN TALK FOR THREE HOURS
AND CURSE.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ON NETWORK
TV IN A WHILE.
AND I'M WORRIED, I'M RUSTY
>> Jimmy: NO, NO
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'LL BE FINE
THEY HAVE A BUZZER
>> WHAT WORDS AM I NOT ALLOWED
TO SAY
[ LAUGHTER ]
CAN YOU JUST LIST THEM ALL FOR
ME
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN'T EVEN DO --
I CAN'T --
>> CAN I SAY THIS WORD
>> Jimmy: NO
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T THINK SO -- THERE'S
A LOT --
YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT
RIGHT NOW WE PIXELATED THE
WHOLE THING, IS JUST TWO
EYEBALLS RIGHT NOW
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NONE OF THIS --
NONE OF THIS INTERVIEW'S
USEFUL
>> Jimmy: SO FAR, NOTHING IS
USEFUL
>> SHOULD I START OVER
>> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY.
COME OUT, ANSWER AGAIN
THIS TIME TAKE THE JACKET OFF.
YEAH, I'LL DO IT AGAIN
>> I LOVE THAT
OKAY, I'M STARTING OVER.
[ DRUMROLL ]
I'M STARTING OVER.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, READY
ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M READY
>> Jimmy: OKAY, HERE WE GO
>> I'M READY
CAN YOU ALSO SAY, "SHE'S
BEAUTIFUL?
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.
I WILL, THANK YOU.
HERE WE GO
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS
A FANTASTIC, BEAUTIFUL
COMEDIAN
SHE HOSTS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE HOSTS THE PODCAST CALLED
"GOOD FOR YOU.
SO FAR SO GOOD
>> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
>> A LITTLE MORE INTENSE
A LITTLE MORE INTENSE.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN SEE HER
PERFORMING ALL AROUND THE
COUNTRY ON HER "HOW DARE YOU"
TOUR
EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME
WHITNEY CUMMINGS
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT
RIGHT THERE.
WHITNEY CUMMINGS, WELCOME TO
THE PROGRAM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> SO --
>> Jimmy: UNBUTTON AND SIT
THAT'S IT.
>> HI EVERYBODY.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S
WHITNEY CUMMINGS RIGHT THERE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT
THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT.
THANK YOU FOR THE TIPS
>> YES
>> Jimmy: WHITNEY, I MISS YOU.
IT SEEMS LIKE JUST -- IT SEEMS
LIKE I JUST SAW YOU.
>> I'VE NOT SEEN YOU IN AGES
>> Jimmy: I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN
SO LONG.
OH, MY GOSH.
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC
IF NOT, SAY BEAUTIFUL.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
>> YOU LOOK THE SAME SINCE I
LAST SAW YOU
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.
>> YOU ARE AGELESS JIMMY
>> Jimmy: "GOOD FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: "GOOD FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AM I SAYING IT RIGHT
>> YES, YOU ARE.
WHAT WOULD BE WRONG ABOUT THAT
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU COULD SAY
LIKE, "GOOD FOR YOU?
>> OH, THAT TRUE
"GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Jimmy: "GOOD FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
"GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Jimmy: IT'S ALMOST LIKE A,
"GOOD FOR YOU.
>> YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT SNARKY.
>> Jimmy: IT'S NOT
CAUSE THAT WOULD BE A BAD
INTERVIEW PODCAST.
IF YOU WERE LIKE ---
>> OH, "GOOD -- GOOD FOR YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: "GOOD FOR YOU.
"GOOD FOR YOU.
YEAH, YOU JUST GOT A NEW HOUSE
YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU
>> NO, THAT'S WHAT I THINK
WHENEVER SOMEONE TELLS ME
ANYTHING
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
>> BUT I TRY TO SAY, "GOOD FOR
YOU.
NO
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> I'S "GOOD FOR YOU," LIKE
THIS IS GOOD FOR YOU
>> Jimmy: OKAY, GOOD
>> YEAH, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO
THIS
THERE'S GOOD STUFF IN HERE
>> Jimmy: SEE?
THE PODCAST IS "GOOD FOR YOU."
>> YEAH, NOT "GOOD FOR YOU,"
BUT --
>> Jimmy: OH, IT'S -- ALL
RIGHT.
>> IT'S A RORSCHACH TEST,
BASICALLY.
>> Jimmy: I'M GONNA DO YOUR
SHOW, AND THEN YOU CAN DO,
"GOOD FOR YOU.
>> "GOOD FOR YOU."
>> Jimmy: DO YOU LIKE TO BE
INTERVIEWED OR DO YOU LIKE
INTERVIEWING PEOPLE?
>> I -- THAT'S SUCH A WEIRD --
BOTH, BUT INTERVIEWING IS HARD
FOR ME
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DON'T ROLL
YOUR EYES AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY
SAY CRAZY THINGS
DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE
CELEBRITIES, SOME OF THEM ARE
VERY OUT OF TOUCH?
COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON, AMERICA
YOU KNOW
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN --
WELL -
>> LIKE CELEBRITIES, I JUST --
THERE'S A LOT OF CELEBRITIES
THAT ARE JUST SO FAR GONE, AND
SO RICH AND HAVE GOTTEN SO
CRAZY, I FEEL LIKE IT'S GONNA
BE HARD FOR ME TO NOT JUST BE
LIKE, "UGH."
LIKE, EVERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY I
KNOW BELIEVES IN GHOSTS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN WHEN YOU HEAR WHY,
YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "IDIOT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, A CELEBRITY WOULD BE
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I WAS IN MY HOUSE AND LIKE, I
PUT MY PURSE DOWN AND A COUPLE
HOURS LATER THE PURSE WAS
SOMEWHERE ELSE."
I WAS LIKE, "BITCH, CAUSE YOU
HAVE HELP.
THAT'S YOUR ASSISTANT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S NOT -
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH
JUST SIT THERE
>> SO -- OKAY, BUT THERE'S
MORE
>> Jimmy: JUST TAKE OVER THE
SHOW
[APPLAUSE] >> BUT ALSO
THERE'S --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THERE'S --
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T COMPETE.
I CAN'T COMPETE ANYMORE.
YEAH, I CAN'T DO IT.
>> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT
>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, THIS ONE TIME I
OPENED MY REFRIGERATOR AND
THERE WAS FOOD IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE SADDEST PART IS DOING
THE BIT I PULLED IT OPEN TO GO
TO A WEBSITE AND I WENT TO
WHITNEYCUMMINGS.COM.
THAT WAS SAD
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S THE FIRST -
>> THAT'S THE ONLY WEBSITE I GO
TO I GUESS REALLY AT THIS
POINT.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WANT TO HEAR THIS STORY.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THE STORY
ABOUT YOUR DOGS ON TOUR BECAUSE
WE'RE --
>> OH.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE IT.
I THINK IT'S A REALLY SWEET
STORY.
>> YOU KNOW, DOGS -- PEOPLE
HAVE DOGS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SO WHEN YOU HAVE DOGS, BECAUSE
NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE KIDS WITH
YOU YET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN RELATE
SO IF YOU HAVE DOGS, YOU END UP
IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM LIKE ALL
THE TIME
THIS IS NOT A FUNNY STORY.
THIS IS MORE A HEARTWARMING
STORY.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S OKAY.
>> AND I'M NOT INSECURE AT ALL
I DON'T NEED TO PREPARE YOU FOR
THE FACT THAT THIS ISN'T ABOUT
TO BE FUNNY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE
VET AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING AND
CRAZY THINGS HAPPEN.
AND THIS WAS -- I JUST FEEL
LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH NEGATIVITY
OUT THERE AND I JUST WANTED TO
SHARE THE STORY CAUSE IT'S SO
HEART WARMING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> SO THIS DOG COMES IN, THIS
WOMAN IS HYSTERICALLY CRYING
WITH THIS DOG THAT HAS PROBABLY
BEEN HIT BY A CAR.
SOMETHING -- IT'S BAD.
BLOOD EVERYWHERE
SHE'S LIKE SCREAMING, CRYING
THIS IS A DISASTER
THE MALE VET COMES IN TO GRAB
THE DOG.
THE DOG IS GROWLING.
WILL NOT GO.
SHE'S GOES, "I'M SO SORRY, THE
DOG DOES NOT LIKE MEN.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
CAUSE THEY'RE SMART.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CAUSE THEY KNOW.
THEY GET IT.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> SO -- SO THE DOG WILL NOT GO
WITH THE VET, EVEN THOUGH IT'S
IN BAD SHAPE
IT'S GROWLING.
IT'S SCARED.
THE VET, WITHOUT MISSING A
A BEAT, GOES BEHIND THE COUNTER
AND GRABS A GIANT BLONDE WIG
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
PUT IT'S ON HIS HEAD
GOES BACK OVER
DOG STOPS GROWLING
[ LAUGHTER ]
TAKES THE DOG, WHISKS IT BACK
TO THE E.R
TWO HOURS LATER, EMERGES WITH
THE DOG IN TWO LITTLE CASTS,
TOTALLY HEALED, STILL WEARING
THE WIG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT MEN DO
THAT'S WHAT REAL MEN DO.
>> MY HERO
>> Jimmy: REAL MEN WEAR WIGS
>> MY HERO
>> Jimmy: WHITNEY CUMMINGS,
EVERYBODY.
>> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: CHECK OUT HER
PODCAST, "GOOD FOR YOU."
>> "GOOD FOR YOU."
>> Jimmy: AND GO SEE HER ON
TOUR
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
A PERFORMANCE FROM
PUSS N BOOTS
STICK AROUND
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: PERFORMING "ANGEL
DREAM," A LITTLE TOM PETTY GEM
WE LOVE YOU, TOM
FROM THEIR NEW ALBUM "SISTER,"
PLEASE WELCOME PUSS N BOOTS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
♪ I DREAMED YOU
I SAW YOUR FACE ♪
♪ CAUGHT MY LIFELIN
WHEN DRIFTIN
THROUGH SPACE ♪
♪ I SAW AN ANGE
I SAW MY FAITH
I CAN ONLY THANK GOD
IT WAS NOT TOO LATE ♪
♪ OVER MOUNTAIN
I FLOATED AWAY
CROSS AN OCEAN
I DREAMED OF HER NAME ♪
♪ I FOLLOWED AN ANGEL
DOWN THROUGH THE GATES
I CAN ONLY THANK GOD
IT WAS NOT TOO LATE ♪
♪ OH SING A LITTLE SONG
OF LONELINES
SING ONE TO MAKE ME SMILE ♪
♪ ANOTHER ROUND
FOR EVERYONE
I'M HERE FOR A
LITTLE WHILE ♪
♪
♪ NOW I'M WALKING
THESE STREETS ON MY OW
BUT SHE'S WITH M
EVERYWHERE THAT I GO ♪
♪ YEAH I FOUND AN ANGEL
I FOUND MY PLACE
I CAN ONLY THANK GOD
IT WAS NOT TOO LATE ♪
♪ I CAN ONLY THANK GO
IT WAS NOT TOO LAT
I CAN ONLY THANK GOD
IT WAS NOT TOO LATE ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT IS HOW YOU DO
IT
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
PUSS N BOOTS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"SISTER" IS OUT NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY
OH, MY GOSH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO
SETH MEYERS, WHITNEY CUMMINGS,
PUSS N BOOTS, EVERYBODY!
AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS"
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT
I HOPE TO SEE YOU TOMORROW
BYE-BYE, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪