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女士们 先生们 Ladies and gentlemen!
有请艾迪墨菲 Eddie Murphy!
谢谢 Thank you.
非常感谢 再次感谢大家 Thank you too much. Two times, far two times.
演出开始前 大家给巴士男孩组合来个雷鸣般的掌声怎么样 Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the BusBoys.
我做单口有一些原则 There's some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my stand-up, I got rules and shit.
我直说了 Straight up.
我在台上的时候 同性恋不可以盯着我的屁股看 Faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm on stage!
这就是为什么我在台上总是走来走去的 That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.
我不知道同性恋在哪个区域 所以得动起来才行 You don't know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep movin'.
这样就算他们真的看到了 你快速转个身 So if they do see it, quick, you switch,
他们就不能一直盯着你的屁股了 they don't get no long stares at your shit...
不过他们会开始意淫 ...so that their imagination is flowing about my...
我知道你们盯着我看 因为我的屁股越来越性感了 I know when you're looking, 'cos my ass starts to get hot.
我很怕同性恋 真的吓死了 晚上都会做噩梦 I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people.
我有次做噩梦 梦到我去了好莱坞 发现Mr.T是同性恋 (faggot侮辱同性恋的词 意为死变态) I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
真的 他会走到你面前说 嘿 小伙子 嘿 小伙子 Really, and he'd be walking up to people going: "Hey, boy! Hey, boy!"
你穿那条牛仔灰常可爱捏 "You look mighty cute in them jeans!"
过来 操我的屁股 "Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass!"
我现在就要弯腰了 "I'm gonna bend over now!"
嘿 小伙子 慢点 "Hey, boy, slow down!"
你错过好戏了 别射那么快啊 "You're gonna miss the round, and come too fast!"
把我惹毛了 我就用屁股把你鸡巴夹断 "You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick off!"
你们知道哪对同性恋会很有趣吗 拉尔夫柯兰登和爱德华诺顿 You know who would be a funny faggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!
拉尔夫柯兰登靠着窗户说 Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:
诺顿 下来 我要给你看样东西 "Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you something!"
拉尔夫 好伙计 你说想说什么 "Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there, pal of mine?"
知道吗 诺顿 我观察你很久了 "You know, Norton, I've been watching you.
我知道你也一直在观察我 你在看我 我就知道 And I know you've been watching me. You watch me! I know!"
拉尔夫 你想干嘛 "So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
诺顿 我的好朋友 要不要操我的屁股啊 "Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
我知道你想操我 诺顿 "I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
而且你知道我知道你知道我知道 你想操我 "And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
现在我要弯腰了 当我弯下来的时候 你就开始操吧 "Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin'!"
我要开始了 "Here I go!"
快高潮了 拉尔夫 "Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"
我经常拿同性恋开玩笑 谁让他们是同性恋 I kid the homosexuals a lot, 'cos they're homosexuals.
我谁都敢惹 不管他是谁 I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...
不过我只是开玩笑 没别的意思 Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.
你可以跟同性恋一起出去玩 You can hang out with a gay person.
同性恋者不会因为他们是同性恋就觉得自己被疏远了 Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.
你可以跟同性恋打网球 You can play tennis with a gay person.
真的 打完球你说 我要去喝一杯 你呢 Really! Just after the game you say: "I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do ?"
-我要去帮别人口交 -好的 一会儿见 -"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick." -"Well, I'll see you later!"
你去那儿口交 我去喝杯酒 "You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."
女人特别喜欢跟同性恋一起出去玩 Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hanging out with gay people.
女人总说 同性恋男士是我最好的朋友 Ladies say: "Gay men are the best friends I have!"
因为他们没想要从你身上得到什么 你也没有 你们就单纯的出去玩 "cos they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out,
跟他们在一起可以玩得很开心 就讲讲话什么的 所以没事 you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.
你知道同性恋最恐怖的是什么吗 艾滋病 You know what's really scary about it? That new AIDS shit.
艾滋病很恐怖 因为那玩意会搞死你 AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
艾滋不像以前的那种性病那么简单 That ain't like the good old days when venereal disease was simple.
以前得了性病 鸡巴痛 去打一针就好了 In the good old days, you got gonorrhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.
只是会有疱疹 那玩意一直留在你鸡巴上 就像你的小行李箱一样 Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage.
不过现在有了艾滋病 能搞死人 And now they got AIDS, that just kills motherfuckers.
-我说 接下来是什么 -我想你把你的JJ放进来让你爆发就行了 I say what's next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes!
床上那女的还说 也许我得去看看医生什么的 And the girl would be on the bed: "Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."
那玩意能要命 我很怕 因为女生会跟同性恋一起出去玩 Kills people! It petrifies me 'cos girls be hanging out with them.
可能某个晚上在酒吧跟她们的同性恋朋友一起玩 然后小亲亲什么的 One night they could be in the club having fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.
回家把嘴唇上的艾滋也跟着带回去了 And go home with AIDS on their lips!
然后过了五年 她的丈夫发现了 And then when her husband, like five years later.
艾滋吗 可是我不是同性恋啊 "AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
你当然不是同性恋了 "Sure you're not homosexual..."
类似艾滋的疾病真的把我吓坏了 因为这些年对我来说打炮正佳 All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these... these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
我正值性爱年华 见谁都操 I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now!
这些年就是做爱的岁月 这些年就是你最好的性爱年华 These are the years to fuck! This is when you do your best fucking.
你开始了解你的身体 用马摇蹄体位做爱 And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...
比如说那些18岁的年轻人们 在座的观众有没有18岁的 Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience!
看吧 你们连做爱是怎么一回事都不懂吧 See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.
你到了22岁 你就开始想着怎么换花样了 You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.
脸部表情 看那些做爱时候的表情也是一件非常好玩的事 Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces is a cool motherfucking thing.
18岁你不会那样 你做爱的时候只有一个表情 因为你觉得很神奇 干起来就像这样 You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1 expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.
还有你18岁的时候控制不了你的鸡巴 Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18!
你们年轻的时候有没有过只是坐在教室 鸡巴都莫名其妙的硬起来 Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing?
你只是坐在那儿 你的鸡巴说 外面发生什么事了 You be just sitting there and your dick's here: "What's going on out there?"
就在这时候你的老师说 墨菲先生 你能不能来黑板这边一下 That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?"
不了 没事 我拿零分就可以了 "No, that's allright. I'll take the zero."
说真的 控制不了鸡巴 Really, no dick control at all.
还有18岁的时候 找不到人做爱 It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.
有没有看过那种人 到处找女人做爱 Ever had that guys? You'd be searching for the pussy down there.
你的鸡巴就这样垂到下面 女生说 不是那个东西喔 And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going: "That's not it..."
-有什么问题吗 -没有 没问题 宝贝 -"Is there any problem?" -"No, ain't no problem, baby."
那你有鞋拔子或者类似的玩意儿吗 "You got a shoehorn or some shit like that?"
如果你想做爱的话就得搞这行 And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy.
这就是为什么我做脱口秀的原因 就是为了做爱 That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.
我在想 如果吉米沃克尔也能操别人的话 我就能操所有人 (Jimmy Walker 早期喜剧演员 也做过单口喜剧) I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I'm fucking everybody.
就是这样 And it's like that too.
你做电视节目 街上的女人们像扔飞盘一样把逼扔给你操 When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.
-艾迪 -谢谢 -"Ed!" -"Thank you! Appreciate that!"
有时候逼装得太多了 都从我口袋里掉出来了 Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket.
在外面走路的时候我会说 噢 小心别踩到了 这逼是我的 Walking out the street, you say: "Oh, watch your step, that's mine."
做喜剧不像做音乐 歌手搞走了所有的逼 Being a comic though ain't like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy.
比如说巴士男孩组合 他们见谁都操 Like the Bus Boys, they fuck everybody.
能动的东西就操 Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.
他们来我家 我家的鱼都不敢游了 Come to my house the fish stop swimming.
动都不敢动 歌手就是能搞到逼 They don't play. Singers gets pussy.
因为你没必要 甚至没必要长得好看 只要能唱歌就能搞到逼 'Cos you don't have to, even you don't have to look good, you can sing and get pussy.
只要有趣就行了 这种搞到逼的方法太他妈丑陋了 Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.
因为你要做的就是唱歌而已 就是唱歌而已 你一唱歌 女人们就疯了 'cos all you have to do is sing, it's somethin bout singing, that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.
米克贾格尔真他妈是个大丑男 Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker!
嘴唇这么大 With big ass lips!
他的嘴唇大到黑人都说 你丫的嘴唇还真他妈大啊 (黑人嘴唇普遍较大) Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going: "You got some big ass lips!"
尼玛快瞧瞧这对大嘴唇 "These are big motherfucking lips!"
但是他会唱歌 只要会唱歌 啥事都不成问题 But he's singing! If you sing you'll get over.
路德范德鲁斯这货他妈天天吃肯德基 Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
但是他只要这么一唱 女人们都会 But he put that shit up like.... And women go:
唱吧 你要做的就是唱歌 Sing! 'cos all you got to do is sing.
迈克杰克逊很会唱歌 小伙子长得也不错 Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy.
但他绝对不是最纯的爷们儿 But ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.
这就是迈克尔的绝招 靠他的感性 That's Michael's hook, his sensivity!
女人们都说 迈克尔就是太感性了 That's when women be sayin: "Michael's just so sensitive..."
她们都吃这一套 迈克尔也知道 And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.
他懂女人 我看过他走到观众席对一个女孩子说 He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a girl and they'd be in the audience and say:
你介意我下来这里唱歌给你听吗 "Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."
那女的就 啊 And women go: "Whaaaaa!"
你如果不尖叫的话 迈克尔就变会很受伤 还丫在你面前哭 Then, if you don't scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.
有听过那首《她走出我的生命》吧 Ever hear that record "She's out of my life" ?
♪ 现在我已经懂得爱不是占有 ♪ ♪ So I've learned that love's not possession ♪
♪ 已经懂得爱不容久等 ♪ ♪ And I've learned that love won't wait ♪
♪ 已经懂得爱需要表达 ♪ ♪ Now I've learned that love needs expression ♪
♪ 但我懂得时已太晚 ♪ ♪ But I learned too late ♪
提托 给我几张纸巾 "Tito, give me some tissues."
杰梅恩 别笑我了 "Jermaine, stop teasing."
会唱歌就行了 You just sing!
我喜欢声音比较阳刚的爷们 像泰迪潘德格雷斯 I like dudes with masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.
泰迪一出来 开始唱 你有你有你有我所需 Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and: You got you got you got what I need!
把所有喜欢他的女人都吓跑了 And scare the bitches that are liking him.
那家伙简直他妈神经病啊 叫观众把内裤扔到台上去 That motherfucker's crazy, throw your panties on the stage.
就是这样 我还喜欢艾维斯普莱斯利（猫王） That's what's happening. I like Elvis Presley!
真的 我真的觉得他很厉害 Really I give credit where credit is due.
他年轻的时候真是牛逼轰轰 When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.
他唱歌太他妈牛逼了 你让他演电影 他都不会演 He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.
大家说 去他妈的 对话都让他用唱的就好了 They said: "Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogues!"
-艾维斯 我们得赢得这么比赛 -我们得赢得这场比赛 -"Elvis, we got to win this race!" -"We got to win this race."
-艾维斯 要来点柠檬吗 -柠檬 又清爽又解渴 -"Elvis, want some lemonade?" -"Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink."
他唱了大半辈子了 现在都42了 Let him sing 'till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old.
他一出来 肚子都是肥肉 屁股都漏了出来 He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit ...and his butt be sticking out and shit...
看起来就像他要去拉屎一样 在台上走路也这样 looking like he had to shit, out walking on the stage like this...
不好意思 "Excuse me."
唱歌吧 Sing!
这就是关键所在 你不会讲话都没有关系 That's the key to it. You don't even have to be able to talk.
敢唱就会红 詹姆斯布朗唱了二十几年了 Just sing and get famous. James Brown's been singing for 20 years.
我都不知道詹姆斯他妈的都在唱些什么鬼 I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about!
他说什么我都听不懂 I don't understand shit James says!
我有次在《周六夜现场》遇到他 我走过去说 詹姆斯 我喜欢你的音乐 I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said "James, I love your stuff".
不管他唱什么都铿锵有力 And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James.
每句歌词结尾都是"嘿" 'cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with:
他说那个"嘿"还是有意义的 He meant that shit that he just said!
唱什么都是一声... Everything is that...
听不懂你毛了就倒带再听 我他妈是不是漏掉什么了 And you getting mad you start putting the needle back "What the fuck did I just miss?"
这就是詹姆斯布朗的歌词 他就写那屁玩意 That's a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit!
他写歌的时候说 这里要加一个 "嘿" 不错嘛 He's writing a song and: "I need a word in here: Heaay! That's good!"
他开始跟乐队的人说话 没人听得懂 He starts to talk to the band and lose it.
乐队在说 詹姆斯他妈的在唱些啥玩意 Band be going: "What the fuck is James talking about?"
我也不知道 但是有钱赚就行 继续唱吧 I don't know but we're getting paid, keep singing.
大家就是吃这一套 就是喜欢这玩意 And people take singers. There's something about singers that people just love and shit.
有次我模仿史蒂夫旺达（黑人全能艺人 音乐天才） 'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.
黑人兄弟都他妈疯了 And black people lost their motherfucking minds!
有个哥们走过来对我说 I have brothers rolling up on me going:
嘿 你这贱人要一直模仿史蒂夫旺达是吗 "Hey! You the motherfucker that'd been doing Stevie Wonder?"
一点都不好笑 操你妈 "That shit ain't funny, motherfucker!"
别让老子再看到你模仿他了 不然老子搞死你 "Don't you never let me see you do that shit again! I'll fuck you up!"
史蒂夫旺达是个音乐天才 "Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!"
太糟糕了 太糟糕了 "That's terrible! That's terrible, man!
真是没教养 没错 Your mother brought you up wrong. That's what it is.
你这没教养的 操你妈 Your mother brought you up wrong, motherfucker."
我火了 两个月前我跟史蒂夫一起出去的时候 我说 I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said:
听着 史蒂夫 我模仿你的事他妈的被炮轰了两个多月 "Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression."
-老子再也不模仿你了 史蒂夫说 -呃 我觉得呢 "I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more." Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."
给老子闭嘴 "Shut the fuck up!"
你得快点打断他 这货话匣子一开就停不下了了 'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick, 'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.
你们有没有看过他拿格莱美 上台说获奖感言说得爆久 You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches?
获奖的是史蒂夫旺达 "And the winner is Stevie Wonder!"
我想感谢世界上所有人 And I'd like to thank all the people in the world today...
-上帝的选择和... -你他妈拿了奖就赶紧滚蛋 -God's chosen and..." -"Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out!"
如果你不打断他 他就说个没完 -我还要感谢... 'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."
我在车里跟他说 给老子闭嘴 史蒂夫 I've been in the car and said: "Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"
你确实是个音乐天才 但你也是我哥们 我们一起出去玩 I'm telling you, genius and all that shit, but you're my boy, man, we hang and,
这样挺好的 但是我真不太喜欢那些炮轰我的 I mean, like, it's nice and shit but I don't appreciate all the flack.
要我说吧 你弹钢琴什么的 我也跟你说过了 "And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing..."
没什么好让我惊讶的 "...I ain't impressed."
你想让我惊讶吗 你丫来开会儿车啊 王八蛋（史蒂夫旺达是盲人） "You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker!"
我听到了 那狗屁笑话一点都不好笑 "I heard that shit, man! That shit wasn't funny!"
你讲他撞到树 老子还要笑是吗 "Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right?"
哈哈哈 好好笑啊 干你妹 "Ha-ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!"
你妈的腿是假肢 还要拄着拐杖 傻逼 "Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker!"
你妈脖子后面有张嘴 那贱货吃东西的时候还是这样的 "Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chews like this!"
混账 拿史蒂夫旺达开玩笑 "Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit!"
这儿真他妈热啊 It's hot as fuck in here!
把衣服脱掉 "Take it off!"
不能脱 No, I can't take it off.
女士们会抓着她们的逼跑过来说 啊 给你 Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah!"
那边发生什么事了 女士都在街上跑 不能脱 "What's going on over there? Ladies run down the street and..." can't do that.
这里有卖冰淇淋的吗 Do we have the icecream man around here?
有卖冰淇淋的吗 Do we have Mr.Softy Icecrwam?
还记得你小的时候 卖冰淇淋的到你们镇里吗 Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little?
不管你在做什么 你都会马上停下来 发了疯地大叫起来 And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind!
卖冰淇淋的车就是有让小孩发疯的魔力 There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it.
而且在十条街外就能听到声音 And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away.
他们都听不到他们的妈妈叫他们 They don't hear their mothers calling
但是就能听到那该死的卖冰淇淋车的声音 but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
不管你当时在干嘛 卖冰淇淋的以来 你可能正玩着弹珠什么的 And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:
冰淇淋 冰淇淋 卖冰淇淋的来啦 卖冰淇淋的来啦 "Icecream! Icecream! The icecream man is coming! The icecream man is coming!"
妈 妈 扔点钱下来 "Mom! Mom! Throw down some money!"
卖冰淇淋的来啦 "The icecream man is coming!"
然后你妈就会从窗户扔钱下来 Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say:
给你哥哥买一个 自己买一个 ...get your brother...get yourself an icecream...
记得找零钱回来 and bring back my change.
你抓起那些钱 以最高时速开始猛冲 Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.
边跑还边喊 冰淇淋 Chasing icecream truck and: "Icecream!"
卖冰淇淋的通常都会再开一条街 我知道他都看到我们在追了 Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit,
但他可能正跟他朋友说 瞧瞧我让这些小兔崽子跑得多快 but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: "Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"
你在后面时速50英里边冲边喊 冰淇淋 You'd be behind him doing 50 and going: "Icecream!"
追上的时候 你已经气喘吁吁了 You stop, you will be out of wind.
卖冰淇淋的 我要这个 还有那个 Icecream man, can I have this. I want this over here,
还要买一个给我爸 and give me...my father...
谢谢你 卖冰淇淋的 谢谢 "Thank you, icecream man! Thank you!"
我拿到冰淇淋没有马上吃 我都拿着唱会儿歌 I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it, just sing for a little while.
你懂的 小孩子嘛 You know how kids are.
我有冰淇淋叻 我有冰淇淋叻 "I have some icecream, I have some icecream,
我要把它吃光光 我要把它吃光光 and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."
冰淇淋流得满手都是 The icecream be running down your arm and shit
冰淇淋 我要吃光光 我的冰淇淋叻 Icecream...I'm gonna eat it all...Icecream...
旁边会有其他小孩 他们没有冰淇淋 不过小孩是不会管这么多的 you know there's one kid on one side, and they don't get no icecream, and kids don't care.
你没有冰淇淋叻 你什么都没有叻 你什么都没有叻 "You don't have no icecream! You didn't get none! You didn't get none!"
因为你家还得接受社会救济叻 你买不起叻 "cos you are under welfare, you can't afford it."
其他小孩也跟着瞎闹 你买不起叻 你爸还是个酒鬼叻 Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it, and his father is an alcoholic!"
你要吃吗 要舔一口吗 骗你的啦 You want to eat some of my icecream. You want a lick? Psych.
你要吃吗 你要吃吗 我要自己吃光光噢 You want some icecream? You want some icecream? I am gonna eat all my icecream.
不给你吃叻 不给... You can not have some. You can't...
你的冰淇淋掉了叻 你的冰淇淋掉了叻 "You dropped your icecream, you dropped your icecream..."
吃了它 冰淇淋掉到屎上我都会吃了它 Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it.
就粘了一点东西而已嘛 I would be like "It's just sprinkles"
除非被你妈发现你在做这么恶心的事 Unless your mother catch you doin' that nasty shit, though.
我妈要发现我在做这事 她说一句话让我放下它 扔掉 My mother caught me doing that, she made me put it down in 1 sentence, "put it back on the floor."
我马上扔掉它 我不吃 And you dropped that shit, quick. "I won't gonna eat it."
我妈要是抓到我做这么恶心的事 My mother caught me doing that...
在座的有没有被自己的妈妈用鞋子打过的 Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe?
我妈扔鞋速度巨快无比 I had a mother that would a shoe at you at the drop of a dime.
瞬间打爆 指哪打哪 And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.
我妈妈扔鞋技术一流 穿着鞋就像佩着枪 And bad with the shoe, she was carry that shit like a gun,
我妈就像带鞋的克林特伊斯特伍德一样 my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.
我要做错事 她就这样走进房间（模仿电影《黄金三镖客》） And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like:
-为什么要吃掉到地板上的冰淇淋 -我没有 我... -"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor?" -"I didn't, I just..."
又狠 又准 Bad! Accurate!
在超市里 我要是抓着麦片说 You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the counter,
妈 我们买这个好不好 going: "Mom, can we get this?"
还是不要了 "I guess not!"
她还能一心三用 And could be doing three different things,
一边打电话给我奶奶 一边煮饭 be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand
一手拿着电话一边说 好的 妈妈 稍等一会 have the phone like this and be sayin' "Yeah, mama, hold on a second."
搞死你 我勒个去 我妈还穿着高跟鞋 Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on.
那两只高跟鞋像回旋镖一样飞过去打中你的屁股 Them pumps, 'cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass!
你在房间里中招时 都不知道他妈的发生了什么事 And fuck you up in your room, you won't even know what the fuck happened.
爸妈可以听到我刚要偷偷溜出门的声音 They can hear you when you're getting ready to walk out the door.
我在床上穿鞋准备什么的 被我妈听到了 And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around. They got that mother hearing.
等一下 亲爱的 "Wait a minute, baby."
我们走吧 "Let's go."
她经常在房间里练习扔鞋子来管教我 She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit.
我妈真的会搞死我跟我哥 My mom will fuck us up.
我家教真的非常严 Very, very strict house I came from.
我还记得我第一次去白人家里 把我给吓坏了 And I remember when I first went to, my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out.
我去了城里 你们记得自己去城里的事吗 I went to...remember going to that?
家长把城市的孩子带到农村 把那孩子的三观毁得跟鬼一样 They'll be like take the kid from the city and send him to the city and fuck his minds up and shit.
当时我三岁 我发现白人小孩可以在家里说脏话 我他妈都傻掉了 And I was there, I found some white kids can curse around the house! That fucked me up!
我还小 简直不敢相信 When I was little, I couldn't believe that shit.
我在家里说dag（石墨灰）都不行 Coz I couldn't even say "dag" around my house,
我妈说听起来很像damn(该死的) my momma said "sounds too much like damn."
我说错话就死定了 I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way.
我跟汤姆金德斯在房子里 I was in the house with Tom Kildez.
他妈妈说 汤姆 你迟到了 汤姆说 得了吧 我走得跟我拉屎的速度一样快了 His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said "Come on, mom, I'm moving as fast as I can shit."
得了吧 Come on!
我当时都傻眼了 And I was standing like this:
我要是在家里这样说话 -艾迪 你迟到了 And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? -"Ed, you're a little late!"
得了吧 老爸 操 得了吧 该死 我爸就会像这样 "Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! Come on, damn!" My pop just go:
这狗崽子疯了 "That motherfucker's crazy!"
我爸可不是好惹的 My pop didn't play, man.
我爸就敢惹小孩 不敢惹我妈 因为我妈会搞死他 He didn't play when it comes to kids, he ain't fuck with my mother, coz my mother will fuck him up.
我妈跟她那些闺蜜都不是好惹的 My mother and them sisters you don't hit. Period.
还记得以前可以打女人吗 Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman?
还记得20年代的电影里 男的扇了他老婆 她只是说 Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:
你现在不可能再这样打了 You can't do shit like that no more.
女人现在都学健美操 都能搞死你了 Women be takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now!
太可怕了 特别是黑人妇女 你要打了黑人妇女 她就疯了 It's scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind!
真的 她们就抓狂了 你老婆可能平时还很害羞 你要打了她 Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:
老娘要杀了你 干你妹 "I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker!
你再那样打我试试 你再那样打我试试 You don't hit me like that! You don't hit me shit!
别打我的脸 我爸都不敢打我的脸 "You don't put your hands on my face! My father don't put hands on my face.
宝贝 求求你别 宝贝 求求你 停下来 等等 "Baby, please, stop! Baby, please... stop! Baby, hold on, stop, please!"
-冷点点 宝贝 冷静点 -你别打我 贱人 -"Calm down, baby, calm down!" -"You don't hit me, motherfucker!"
给老娘滚出去 "So get the fuck out!"
你被赶出去的时候都还很害怕 Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the fuck out too.
真的 你知道老婆让你滚出去 你很害怕还得出去 That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.
我之前有个女朋友 我扇了她一巴掌 还装得很酷 I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and shit.
结果她比我还酷 把我吓得半死 我就滚出去了 And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left.
我也不想这样 宝贝 不过这是你自找的 "I didn't want to do that shit, baby! But you brought that shit on yourself."
别再逼我动手了 "Don't make me have to do it again."
她说 不 不 是我自找的 She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself."
你怎么不去睡觉呢 "Why don't you just go to sleep!"
赶紧滚出去吧 Got the fuck out.
世道变了 男人也变了 现在跟三十年前不一样了 People are changing. Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.
以前你在车里跟女朋友吵架 她说 让我出去 In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here!"
你会说 不 不 不能这样 Men would say: "No, no, we can't have any of that."
现在女的要这么说 男的会说 滚你丫的 And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude: "Get the fuck out!"
有人放屁了 Somebody broke wind in here!
我不想说的 不过真的有人放屁了 I've been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherfucker.
乖乖 这屁放得好远啊 That's some long-distance fart too, boy.
别这样 我知道你跟你朋友是来找乐子了 Don't do that. I know you get down with your friends have a good time.
特别是男同胞 你们都知道男的喜欢玩放屁游戏吧 Especially fellas. ya know they play that game, they play the fart game you know.
跟你朋友到处放屁觉得很好玩 You know you fart around your fellas and it's funny.
男的会在电梯里放屁还一直笑 Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators farting and laughing and shit.
恶心死了 不过我觉得人们在内心深处其实会想闻别人的屁 It's nasty! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.
因为你们就是会 有人跟你说他放屁了 'Cos you smell them. And people always tell you they farted.
他们说 我放屁了 你没有走 你停了一会说 对啊 你放屁了 They say: "I farted." You don't leave, you pause a second. "Yeah, you did!"
因为脑海深处你想闻一闻屁有多臭 'cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart.
如果真的很臭 过了两年你还会说 'cos if it smells bad enough, two years later you be going:
还记得你两年前放的那个屁吗 "Remember that fart you made, two years ago?"
大家玩的放屁游戏 源于你小时候 The fart game you play. Starts off around the house when you're little.
你老爸教你的 Your father introduces you to it.
星期六早上你在家里看动画片 你爸放了个屁说 You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:
不是我放的 是你妈 "That wasn't me, that was your mother."
噢 宝贝 我要跟你离婚了 你都腐烂了 宝贝 我嚓 "Oh, baby, baby! I want a divorce, uh! You're rotten, baby, shit!"
然后你也玩 把你弟弟抓过来 坐在他头上放屁 有没有 And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?
那游戏很好玩 你弟弟被吓坏了说 啊 That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"
你爸说 这是放屁游戏 有一天你也会玩的 孩子 And your father goes: "It's the fart game, you'll play one day, son."
你可以跟你好朋友一起玩 The fart game, you get your best friend in on that shit too.
你可以在你好朋友看球赛的时候 冲他脸上放屁 You can walk up to your best friend while he's watching a football game and fart in his face.
他都不会生气 He won't even get mad.
他只是说 好吧 你赢了 He just go: "Ok, you got me."
那个屁很臭嘛 刚刚我的嘴张着 都放到我嘴里去了 "That was a good one, too! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that!"
我眼角有个伤疤 以前在浴缸里玩放屁游戏撞到的 I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub.
我跟我哥经常玩 我们很穷 没钱买弹珠 就玩放屁游戏 Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, we didn't have marble, we played the fart game.
我觉得很臭欸 "I think it's smelly!"
有没有在水里玩过特种部队的玩具 Ever hold your G.I Joe on the water?
我是特种部队 我在水里游泳 "I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water."
特种部队要找到这气泡是从哪里放出来的 A G.I Joe wants to find out where the bubble is coming from.
他冒险进入一个洞穴 发现了一根鸡巴 so he started to venture into the cave and a dick came.
特种部队陷住啦 特种部队陷入水里啦 and the G.I Joe got stuck, and G.I Joe got stuck in the water.
我哥在浴缸的另一边 拉起屎了 And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made shit in the tub.
他想增添点乐趣 He wanted to add some excitement to the game.
他说 然后一只棕色的鲨鱼游过来了 He said: "And then a big brown shark came."
我跳出来喊 啊 I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah."
刚好眼角撞到肥皂碟 血都喷了出来 Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out and shit.
我一直叫 我妈就跑到浴室里 Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.
看到我哥坐在浴缸里 手上还有屎 Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand.
我躺在水里 眼角鲜血直流 I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye...
特种部队的玩偶插在我屁股里 And G.I. Joe up my ass...
我妈说 他妈的发生了什么事 My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here?"
能不能借一下相机 有没有人带相机 Can I hold somebody's camera. Anybody bring a camera?
是拍立得吗 Does it flash go immediately?
我不用像我阿姨那样 要等等哟 Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt and shit "Wait a second now!"
有没有 你都摆好姿势了 你阿姨说 要等闪光哟 You ever do that, you be posing your ass or something. Your aunt like, "Wait the flash!"
按下去没反应 她说 好像什么出问题了 They try to press it and the shit don't work they be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."
能马上拍 确定吗 And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure?
我要为自己拍张观众的照片 I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
好的 你们能都过来吗 OK, y'all come over here on this now?
我要拍两张 I'll take two of them.
这丫不是傻瓜机啊 操 This ain't no instamatic, motherfucker!
我还得等闪光 I got to wait for the flash and shit!
你看 让我等了吧 我该把你相机砸掉的 See you got me waiting I should break your shit.
后排的哥们说 老子花钱买票 看这狗日的在这拍照片 See the brothers sitting in the back go: "All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures!"
为了这张照片 我要去偷车 操他妹的 "I want my picture took, I'd steal a car motherfucker!"
嘿 哥们 我说我要一张该死的照片 "Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture!"
你要把我的胶卷都弄坏了 快点 操 "You're going to ruin my fucking film, man. Come on, shit!"
你他妈以为你是谁啊 "Who the fuck do you think you are, man!"
我看你怎么样跟洗相片的人解释最后一张 I'll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat.
那是一张艾迪墨菲的JJ的照片诶 "That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."
你们知道怎么拍成一张好照片吗 叫所有的男士都站起来 You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up.
所有哥们都站起来 所有男的 站起来 All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up!
站起来 我说真的 你们丫都在干嘛 Straight up! I'm serious! What the fuck are you doing?
一帮贱人能站起来吗 Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up!
所有的女士拿出相机 And all the ladies get the cameras up.
我们现在现场录制 We're gonna set the record straight here.
当我说 When I say go...
所有男的就把鸡巴掏出来说 啊 ...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"
看 白人哥们马上就坐下了（白人普遍比黑人小） Look how fast the white dudes sat down.
还有一些站着 你们肯定是意大利人（意大利人跟黑人有得拼） Some of them still standing. Y'all must be italian!
我们身上是有料的 We got some shit on us.
我们这儿都是料 We got all this shit!
我们的鸡巴都垂到这边了 We got some dicks hanging down!
鸡巴他妈的都垂到这儿了 Dicks down to this motherfucker!
你都不相信 You don't believe it.
白人不相信 有趣的是 我们鸡巴大还是白人说的 White people don't believe it. What's funny about it, white people are the ones that made up the rumor.
知道吗 据说黑人鸡巴巨大无比 不过我不相信 "You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don't believe it!"
你们知道在非洲发现了第一根鸡巴的化石吗 You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa?
在土里一根巨大无比的鸡巴化石 Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
-这是什么玩意 -是以前风干了的JJ化石 -"What is this shit?" -"It's an old dried up dick."
这说明第一根鸡巴是黑人的 "That means the first dick belonged to a black man."
说到鸡巴 我们真是有料 Dicks. We got the shit for it.
我们还有性感的屁股 走起来就是这么骚 We got nice asses, too. We got our shit all hooked.
你们看白人穿西裤就这样 你好吗 最近怎么样 You see a white dude would be in this suit like this. "How are you? What's happening?"
行了 哥们 够了 哥们 "All right, man! All right, maaan!"
我有个朋友叫道格 就在那儿 道格的屁股这么高 I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug's ass is way up here on his back.
对吧 道格 道格拉屎都会粘到衣领 Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.
在饭馆里拿钱付款 等我拿一下我的钱包 And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: "Let me get my wallet"
因为我们的屁股太性感了 黑人哥们就是有料 Coz we got our shit hooked, all this is hooked up with black people.
中国人到哪儿都被鄙视 因为他们鸡巴小 屁股也小 Chinese people are fucked all around, coz they got little dicks and little asses.
真的 他们走路的样子都很操蛋 They do and it's fucked up the way they walk.
他们走路都轻飘飘的 因为裆下和屁股都没有料 They be walking all light coz they ain't got no shit pulling them down.
黑人鸡巴太大 搞得走路都不能平衡 只能这样走 Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit.
你看到黑人坐轮椅 不一定是瘸子 Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.
是因为他的大鸡巴都垂到这儿了 He's got big shit hanging down!
所以报纸上黑人模特都穿着内裤 想想看吧 That's why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think about it.
每个星期天早上我都看报纸 白人哥们穿着内裤 I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude in his drawers...
内裤里连蛋蛋都没有 Never have no balls in they drawers.
还一直笑 Smiling and shit.
如果我没有蛋蛋的话 我都不知道怎么笑得出来 If I had no balls I wouldn't be smiling this shit.
我会像这样 I'll be like this...
我没鸡巴 "I don't have any dick!"
黑人兄弟穿内裤上杂志封面 都得加页面照片才放得下 Brother be standing there. If a brother models his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.
他们是在卖内裤 可是这个老黑的鸡巴都伸到我咖啡里了 "They're selling underwear but this niggers dick is in my coffee."
要我帮你搅一搅吗 "Want me stir it for you?"
真的 That's some true shit.
今天几号 What's today's date?
别出去烧烤 Don't go to cook-outs.
我讨厌户外烧烤 I hate cook-outs, man.
离户外烧烤远点 如果你喜欢我的话 你他妈就不要户外烧烤 Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay the fuck away from cook-outs.
我不喜欢我家那些亲戚 只有在上次户外烧烤才见过面的那些人 I don't like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.
你总会有些亲戚只有在户外烧烤的时候才能见到 You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.
而且他们每年都他妈能把你惹毛 And they get on your fucking nerves every year.
我的叔叔高斯每年都来我家 My uncle Gus come by the house every year.
他总喜欢在烧烤架那瞎摆弄 My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.
而且他在的时候还不能让别人碰到那个架子 And don't let nobody touch the grill when he's around and shit.
他一走进房间就说 As as soon as he walks in the house its like:
离那架子远点 你不知道怎么生火 "Get away from that grill, you dunna know how to start a fire"
你不会生火 把那火灭了 那丫是火吗 该死的 "You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain't no fire goddamnit."
艾迪 艾迪 过去那边捡柴火 我要一半的树 把那树砍了 "Eddie, Eddie, go over there get all of that wood. I need half a tree. Chop that tree."
把那树砍掉 给我搞点柴火 "Chop down that tree and give me the wood."
查理 去那小屋给我拿两加仑的汽油 "And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of gasoline out the shed."
两加仑的汽油 小伙子都把袖子卷起来 我们要生火了 "Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we're gonna start a fire."
快点 你想吃东西吗 想吃吗 "Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?"
想吃就闭嘴 把木头放到火里 "Then shut up and put it on the fire."
好的 把那块柴火加到那边去 "Ok. Put that wood on the side there."
好的 查理 把汽油给我 "Ok. Give me the gasoline Charlie."
抓着火柴 我叫扔到汽油上 你再扔 懂吗 "Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?"
等我口令 懂吗 我们要生火 我们要吃烧烤 "When I tell you, right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat."
开始吧 像这样把汽油倒下去 "Here we go, pour the gasoline on like this."
我们把整个... 把那该死的打火机液收起来 不能用拿玩意儿 "We need the whole...get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can't use that shit."
把两加仑的汽油都倒到火柴上 "Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood."
生了火 我们就可以吃汉堡了 好吗 "And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger. OK?"
好了 查理 把火柴扔下去 "Here we go, Charlie throw the match."
哇 火生得好大啊 "Now, that's a fire!"
这才是生火嘛 瞧瞧 瞧瞧 "That's a fire, look at that, look at that."
他没事的 让查理在地上滚一滚 让他滚一滚就没事了 "He be alright, roll Charlie around, roll him around."
我叔叔娶了我阿姨本妮 她有胡子 And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit!
你们认识有胡子的女性吗 她二十岁的时候 那还挺酷的 You know one of them lady moustaches? It was really cool, back when she was 20.
女生有点稀疏的小胡子 Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.
到了45岁 她的胡子就像 Billy Dee Williams一样（长胡子 演过星球大战） Then when they get about 45 like aunt Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.
那胡子比男人的都长 The shit is bigger than a man's and shit!
本妮阿姨差不多有300磅重 Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.
还是250磅 真的是很胖 小孩子们都很怕她 Like 250, real heavy lady and shit. And the kids were scared of her.
你们知道小孩是怎么想的 You got that kid logic going.
我记得本妮阿姨来我家的时候 就像 I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house. It was like.
我快吓死了 因为她总要亲亲我 摸摸我 I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.
她一走进我家就说 宝贝来这儿 让本妮阿姨亲亲 Soon as she walked on the door was like: "Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."
我就 啊 Then you go: "Waaaaa!"
我妈就说 为什么不去亲亲你本妮阿姨呀 And my mom would say: "Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny?"
小孩子才不会管那么多 他们会说 她有胡子 Kids don't give a fuck, they go: "She's got a moustache!"
为什么小孩子哭的时候都走得这么慢 Why do kids move so slow when they be crying?
别吵了 "Stop making all that noise!"
我叫你闭嘴 "I said shut up!"
你被惹毛了 因为你妈打你 你还会站那儿诅咒你妈 You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.
老天 求求你杀了她吧 "God please kill her!"
我希望她被卡车撞死 "I hope she gets hit by a truck and die!"
我讨厌她 我讨厌她 我讨厌她 我讨厌她 "I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!"
闭嘴 不然老子让你知道尝尝真正的哭是什么滋味 "Shut up or I'll come and give you something to cry about."
然后我爸就说话了 Then my pop starts talking.
我爸每年七月四号都很蛋疼 And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July!
黑人喝醉酒总是喜欢说他们房子的事 Black men like to claim the house when they're drunk.
所有男人都喜欢说他们房子的事 Men period I think, like to claim their house.
他们想让你知道 如果大家都喝醉了 你又在他们家里 那是他们的家 They want you to know that if you drunk and they're drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.
我爸会站在烧烤聚会的中间说 这是老子的房子 My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: "It's my house!"
你知道吗 如果你不喜欢的话 你他妈就滚蛋 "You know that it is? And if you don't like it, you get the fuck out!"
我管你丫的 "I don't give a fuck!"
我不管 是我他妈花了钱买了这房子 "I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker!"
对了 听着 亲老子的屁股啊 你还不喜欢 "And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it!"
是 没错 干他娘的 你知道这是什么吗 "Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes! 'cos you know what it is?"
我喝醉了又怎么了 爽歪歪啊 老子就是喝醉了 怎么了 就他妈喝醉了 "I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful! I'm drunk. I'm drunk! So what? I'm drunk."
你知道吗 老子是在自己的厨房里喝醉的 "You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
老子他妈是在自己的房子里用自己的杯子喝酒 I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house."
所以 去他妈的 "So, fuck it!"
然后他开始骂家里所有人 高斯 高斯 我能问你个问题吗 Then he attacked the whole family, like: "Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?"
高斯 过来 我问你个问题 Gus, come here. Let me ask you a question.
为什么把火生这么大 "Why is the fire so big?"
你为什么把火生得这么大 看看 这他妈不像话了 高斯 "Why you made the fire so big? Look at this shit! Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus!"
这火生得太他妈大了 为什么 "The fire is too motherfucker big! Why?
你他妈每年都来 高斯 You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."
你他妈还把老子的院子给烧了 为什么 "...and you burn out my motherfucker backyard! Why?"
我他妈是要把汉堡弄得这么点大 "I'm cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big."
不是让你把火弄得像在恐龙汉堡一样 "I'm not cookin' no motherfucking brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker!"
这他妈又不是《摩登原始人》 高斯 "This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus!
这是老子的房子 你大爷的 "It's my house, motherfucker!"
看看查理三级烧伤 "Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em."
还他妈吃毛 eat a motherfucking frank.
没道理啊 你太过分了 高斯 "It doesn't make sense no. But you take things too far. Gus."
你丫得寸进尺 给你点阳光你就灿烂 "I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches. Tell you go 4 inches you go 5."
给你个老黑一条绳子 你丫就是牛仔了啊 "Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus."
你为什么不听我的 艾迪 把那只该死的狗从老子盘上拿开 "Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate."
我要射死这只狗 "I'm gonna shoot this dog."
我要射死这... 闭嘴 我要射死它 别哭了 "I'm gonna shoot this mother... Shut up. I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying."
别哭了 艾迪 不然你就滚出去 "Stop crying. Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out."
你就滚... 我知道你才七岁 "You're gettin' the fuck... I know you're seven! I know you're seven!"
还是你丫想七岁就无家可归 去外面遛狗 "But you'll be a seven year old walkin' the dog no house motherfucker!"
我讨厌这只该死的狗 "I hate this motherfucking dog."
你都不花时间陪这只狗 艾迪 "You don't spend time with the dog. Eddie."
你也不喂它 "You don't feed the motherfucker."
你都不陪它 你他妈都不知道这只狗叫什么 对吧 "You don't pet it. You don't even know what the fuck the dogs name is anymore, do you"
连这狗都不管自己叫什么 妈的都三岁了还不知道自己叫什么名字 "The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name. The dog is 3 years old don't know his name."
叫什么 可可 它这他妈是要去哪儿 "What's this? Coco! Where the fuck is it goin'?
这狗太蠢了 因为你都不花时间陪它 "The dog's stupid! 'cos you don't spend time with the motherfucker."
老子辛苦工作一整天 回来还得喂这逼货吗 "I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog?"
去他妈的 老子才不喂它 Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker!"
你知道吗 艾迪 家里没人的时候 "You know. Eddie, when nobody's home."
家里没人的时候 你知道我会做什么吗 "When nobody's home you know what I do?"
我会走到它旁边 一脚踢死这狗日的 "I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker!"
有什么东西就用什么 看老子踢不死它 艾迪 "I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie!
然后我他妈就咯咯大笑起来 And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off."
我讨厌这只狗 它大小便后你都不清理 "cos I hate the motherfucker! 'cos you don't clean up behind it!
这货他妈的又不是史酷比狗 "This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker!"
你为什么就不能清理一下这只狗 "Why can't you clean the dog."
这狗满屋子大小便 如果没人提醒你 不然你就不清理了 "The dog shits all over the house. If no one tells you Eddie you don't clean the shit."
你让那屎一直留在那儿 "You let the shit stay forever."
屎在屋子里留了六个月 艾迪 "Shit been in the den for 6 months, Eddie."
屎在屋子里留了六个月 你们经过的时候还假装没看到 It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids go pass it you act like you don't see it.
除非别人叫你 不然你就不会去清理 "And unless you're told, you won't clean the shit."
那屎现在硬得跟石头一样 现在摆那儿都他妈像家具了 "The shit is hard as a rock now! It's like motherfuckin furniture in there!"
上周我在那屋子看比赛 去他妈的 我把酒杯放在那坨屎上了 "I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it. Eddie"
那坨屎都成咖啡桌了 为什么你不把它清理掉 "It's a coffee table now! Why can't you clean up shit?"
我朋友过来都说 哇 小玩意很可爱嘛 可爱个毛 那是一坨屎啊 My friends come over and they go, "Oh, that's lovely." "It's not lovely it's a piece of shit."
因为我的孩子都不听话 "Cos my children don't listen!"
然后我本妮阿姨就会从楼梯上摔下来 几乎每年都摔 Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year.
有没有看过胖阿姨从楼梯上摔下来 Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps?
声音巨大无比 Make a whole lotta fucking noise!
那也很恐怖 因为她一路摔下来还会边喊上帝啊 It's scary, too. 'cos they'll be calling Jesus on the way down!
我阿姨不会像小孩子一样直直从楼梯上摔下来 And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid,
她会一边想办法阻止自己继续往下摔 抓住又松掉 They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit.
就是因为这样 她摔下来的时间能持续半个小时 And that's what makes the fall take a half hour then.
巨大声 就像这样 Real loud, like:
老天 上帝 救救我吧 老天 "Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!"
老天 上帝 救救我吧 老天 我从楼梯上摔下来了 老天 上帝 救救我吧 老天 "Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!"
我的鞋子 "My shoe!"
噢 老天啊 上帝啊 救救我吧 "Oh lord Jesus God help us!"
我摔到半路了 救救我啊 上帝 "I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus!"
莉莉安 怎么这么大声响啊 "Lilian! What is all that fuckin' noise?!"
莉莉安 那贱人又从楼梯上摔下来了 "Lilian! The bitch is falling down the steps again!"
-莉莉安 莉莉安 -怎么了 本妮 -"Lilian! Lilian!" -"What's wrong, Bunny?"
我从楼梯上摔下来了 "I fell down the steps!"
本妮从楼梯上摔下来了 本妮从楼梯上摔下来了 "Bunny fell down the steps! Bunny fell down the steps!"
艾迪 去给你本妮阿姨拿点冰给敷额头 Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head!"
-发生什么事了 -本妮阿姨从楼梯上摔下来了 -"What happened?" -"Bunny fell down the steps!"
查理 本妮阿姨从楼梯上摔下来了 "Hey, Charlie! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!"
高斯 你老婆他妈有病啊 "Gus! What the fuck is wrong with your wife?"
为什么她不能好好走路 "Why can't she walk the fryer steps?
你们他妈每年都来 高斯 You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."
你他妈烧了我的院子 "... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard
你老婆还把我的楼梯给摔坏了 and your wife rips down the steps!"
为什么 我努力工作才把屋子弄得这么漂亮 "Why? I work hard to get my place beautiful..."
那贱货一来就把我的楼梯摔坏了 "...and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down!"
看看那些楼梯 都他妈摔坏了 高斯 "Look at the motherfucker steps! They're fucked up, Gus!"
为什么她就不会走楼梯 你知道为什么吗 "Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps?"
因为她是个浑身是毛的贱货 就是这样 "cos she's a fat hairy bitch! That's why!"
就是这样 高斯 我的孩子还很怕你老婆 "That's why, Gus! And my children are afraid of your wife."
艾迪怕她怕得要死 做噩梦都是梦到你老婆 "Eddie's afraid of her! He has nightmares about your wife!"
上周我去他的房间 他在床上一直叫喊 噢 救救我 救救我 I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me!"
我走过去 摇醒他问 怎么了 他说 本妮阿姨要来抓我了 "I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong? He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me!"
他怕你老婆 因为你老婆的胡子比你还多 "He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has a bigger moustache than his father!"
但是你知道吗 高斯 我搞懂你老婆是怎么回事了 "But you know what it is, Gus! I figured out about your wife.
现在我就告诉你 And I'm gonna say it."
我搞懂你老婆是怎么回事了 我知道你是在哪里遇到你老婆的 "I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife."
你跟我说15年前在一个该死的露营... "You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip..."
说你老婆是波多黎各人 你老婆才不是什么波多黎各人 "...and that your wife was portorican. Your wife ain't no motherfucker portoricain!"
我第一次见到她就知道她不是 因为我走过去跟她说 嗨 我叫弗农 "I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."
她说 哈喽 我叫本妮 咕尼咕咕 And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu!"
咕尼咕咕他妈是什么玩意啊 高斯 "What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus?"
我他妈到今天都不知道那是什么意思 我还以为我学了什么西班牙语 "I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day. I thought I learned some new Spanish shit!"
我跟我朋友说 嘿 桑切斯 咕尼咕咕 桑切斯说 滚你丫的啦 I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez! Guni gugu! And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here!"
这么多年了我一直很疑惑 I've been walking around for years confused.
后来我终于弄懂你老婆了 还有你是在哪儿遇到她的 And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife.
你不是在什么露营旅行上遇到你那该死的老婆的 "You didn't meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip!"
你老婆是个大脚怪 对吧 高斯（传说生于北美森林的野人） "Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus?"
你老婆是个野人 对吧 难怪那贱人的胡子他妈的这么多 "Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick!"
因为你帮她刮了毛 还教她说话 "Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak!"
我知道野人 我还见过一只 "I know a motherfucking Bigfoot when I see one!"
你丫还把野人带到我家里 带到我孩子身边吗 "You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus? On my children?"
那个贱人根本不会好好走路 因为她训练的不够好 高斯 The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps! She's not trained well, Gus!"
她不会走路 但我打赌她丫肯定很会爬树 对吧 高斯 She can not walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus?"
有木有 有木有 "Doesn't she? Doesn't she?"
你得把她带走 "But you had to bring her out here!"
去他妈的 还你那群狗崽子 他们也是野人吧 算半个野人 高斯 Fuck her! And your motherfucker children. They're Bigfeet too! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.
狗崽子才六岁 脚就有17寸长 "Cos the motherfucker is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long."
这群毛茸茸的狗崽子就像他们妈妈一样 "They're little hairy motherfucker just like their mother."
看看这些狗崽子 你懂为什么我知道他们是野人吗 Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was Bigfoot?
上周我带你的孩子去钓鱼 When I took your kids fishing last week.
我把他们放在船上 I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus.
然后我抓鱼饵 弄到鱼钩上 And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.
他们就坐在那儿 然后船就歪了 And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat.
一头栽到水里 用力地甩来甩去 耍了两分钟 And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.
我在想 这群孩子他妈是在干嘛 And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.
然后他们就开始这样摇他们的头 Then they start movin their heads like this
他妈的耍出了好多鱼 and the motherfuckers come up with fish.
我吓了一跳 你他妈相信这事吗 I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit.
然后那小子把鱼从嘴里拿出来 看着他弟弟说 咕尼咕咕 Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu!"
我说 这他妈怎么一回事啊 "I said, what the fuck is going on here?"
正常小孩才不会这样做 高斯 不过我得告诉你丫一些事 "Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus! But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker!"
你把那你毛茸茸的 还长着白胡子的胖贱人 带出去 "You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck."
你上楼 带上那只该死的狗 把那坨屎铲起来 "you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."
然后带上艾迪 还有你那些该死的接受福利的狗杂种 "and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...
把他们放在你那辆咕尼咕咕的车上 然后滚蛋 "...and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out!"
我老婆要不爽也可以一起滚蛋 "And if my wife don't like it she can get the fuck out too!"
没打中 你个贱人 "You missed me, bitch!"
谢谢 Thank you!
噢 我勒个去 Oh, Jesus.
再表演一遍吗 Do that shit again?
噢 操 我是在华盛顿特区啊 Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D.C.!
天呐 我勒个去 Jesus! Christ!
里根就住在这儿啊 离这不远 This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.
嘿 里根 是大家在嘘你 我可什么都没说 Hey, Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.
呃 说点大家不知道的 傻逼 Well, tell us something we don't know, motherfucker!
又不是像有些观众说 真的很烂吗 It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck?"
这他妈可不是开玩笑的 That's some scary shit.
世道都变了 我们现在都有黑人政客了 Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.
那家伙叫什么名字来着 哈罗德华盛顿吗 Who's that boy... Harold Washington?
哈罗德华盛顿说 操他妈的 然后就赢了 Harold Washington said: "Fuck it!" And won.
我知道他坐着还在想说 我真赢了那狗日的吗 I know he's still sitting around going: "I really won the motherfucker?"
杰西杰克逊看到这幕也说 去他妈的 我也要竞选 干他妹的（黑人民权领袖） And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: "Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"
杰西你能赢的 我看到他那帮哥们说 "Jesse you can win." I see these brothers going,
你可以赢的 杰西 你比哈罗德华盛顿那狗日的壮多了 "You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than motherfucking Harold Washington."
去他妈的哈罗德华盛顿 "Fuck Harold Washington."
干他妹的 去竞选吧 "Fuck him man, run for president."
杰西也跟着说 对啊 干他妹的 And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit."
我有次在健身房看到他在锻炼 为了把身材搞好一点 I've seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.
你知道他有什么机会就能赢了 白人哥们常常这么做 You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do shit like that...
故意投错人 就为了好玩 ...vote for the wrong dude as a goof.
他们喝醉后说 我们去投票给杰西杰克逊吧 They get drunk and shit and go like: "Let's vote for Jesse Jackson!"
我投给杰西杰克逊了 "I just voted for Jesse Jackson!"
第二天就像这样 他妈的他赢了吗 And next day would be like this: "He fuckin' won?"
杰西知道 所以他一直健身 我看他在操场跑步什么的 Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape. I've seen him running round the track and shit.
我问他 为什么你要健身 他说 因为我会是第一个黑人总统 I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?" He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president."
我演讲的时候就这样 我的美国同胞们 作为一个总统我觉得 "I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans! As your president I feel
白人就这样 And dude be going:
他老不乖乖站着 "He won't stand still!"
我才不管种族歧视什么狗屁 I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.
我的座右铭就是 生活就是活得开心 My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.
我不喜欢种族歧视什么狗屁东西 I ain't into all that racism shit.
不过现在种族歧视没以前那么严重了 我是说 那确实很操蛋 Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man. I mean it's fucked up but,
他们现在都不叫老黑 黑鬼了 They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.
白人不这么说了 White people don't say it.
特别是有黑人在的时候 也许是这样我才没听过 Especially when there's niggas around. So I guess I wouldn't know it.
大概是两个月前吧 我去德州研究种族歧视 I went to Texas to look into racism, about two months ago.
我在德州有场表演 我下了飞机 就开始看哪儿有种族歧视 I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism.
我朋友跟我说 你最好别去德州 他们会干死你的 My friends always told me: "You better not go to Texas! They'll fuck you up!"
现在我哥们是说 什么 他们谁都干不死 And when a modern day brother here that shit, "What! They ain't fucking nobody up!"
我哥们的行为让大家觉得 两百年前黑人不可能是奴隶 Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago.
也不是说大家喜欢奴隶制什么的 It's like motherfuckers liked that shit.
我希望我是个黑奴 我就干死白人 "I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up!"
操 叫老子去捆那些狗日的棉花 "Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton."
黑奴时期 我可能正在街头瞎晃荡 "I would have been on the street and shit..
奴隶主走过来说 嘿 你个黑鬼 去捆棉花 "He would came up and say ey yo nigga bale this cotton?"
我会说 你来吸老子的鸡巴吧 主人 "I'd say suck my dick master."
好好吮吸老子的鸡巴 "Suck my motherfucking dick."
没错 老子不可能去捆那破玩意的 "That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker."
移民佬刚下船说 The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
去捆那些棉花 "Bale that cotton."
操你妈 臭傻逼 "Fuck you, motherfucker!"
另一个傻逼说 我们来捆就行了 你把你那玩意儿拿开 Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit, just keep that shit away."
你把你那玩意儿拿开就行了 "Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me."
我下了飞机 在路上走着 I got off the motherfucking plane, walked up,
带着我的包在路上走着 Got up, walked up, my bag.
所有黑色的东西 黑皮鞋 还有巨大的胸章 All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this.
有个矮个子白人走过来说 这是你的包吗 Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"
我说 没错 这他妈就是老子的包 I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag!"
怎么了 干你妹 黑人就不能有皮箱吗 "Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"
那个白人说 这哥们他妈有毛病吧 And the dude is like: "What the fuck's wrong with this guy?"
那地儿也没那么糟糕啦 Wasn't that bad at all.
气喘吁吁的 透不过气了 I'm winded. I'm out of breath.
都流汗了 Sweating and shit.
-把衣服脱掉 -闭嘴 贱人 -"Do take it off!" -"Shut up, bitch!!"
你们都不知道我还是个腹语者吧 Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.
现在事情都不想以前那么糟糕了 Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.
你们知道现在什么人最坏吗 中国人 You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people.
这才是真正能在我们背后捅刀子的人 They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.
你可能嘲笑他们什么的 You be teasin' them and shit.
有没有进过饭馆点菜的时候 Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.
有中国人在 他们走的时候你就这样 Chinese dude would be in there，and when he leave you do like this:
中国人点菜的时候大家都嘲笑他们 Everybody makes fun of Chinese when they order some food up and shit.
但是他们人都很好 都彬彬有礼 And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.
你跟你朋友在嘲笑他们 Your friends and shit be laughing.
他在背后说 菜马上就上来了 And he look out the back and say: "The food is coming right up."
谢谢 Thank you!
他在饭馆后面看着我们说 很好笑嘛 很好笑嘛 He be in the back watching us: "Very funny. Very funny."
帮他做份特别的混沌汤 "Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."
我在想 中国不知道有没有麦当劳 I wonder if they have, like a McDonald's in China?
中国人会说 给我一个大汉堡 一杯草莓奶昔 一份大份薯条 还有一个樱桃派 Chinese people would be walking and say: "Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie."
服务员说 一个大汉堡 一杯草莓奶昔 一份大份薯条 还有一个樱桃派 马上就好 And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."
中国人一走 大家就 一个大汉堡... And when they leave, people be like, "Big Mac..."
中文太他妈蛋疼了 太难学了 That's a fucked up language too, Chinese. Hard to learn.
我想学西班牙语 学那玩意 I wanna learn to speak spanish. That's the shit.
知道我最想学什么语吗 法语 因为法语太他妈酷了 You know what I'd really want to speak? I'd like to learn how to speak french, 'cos that's some cool shit, french.
用法语说"我要去拉屎"听起来都很好听 You can say "I gotta shit" in french and it would sound good:
就是很好听 Just sounds good.
我不喜欢阿拉伯语 便利店里那些人在说的 真他妈蛋疼 I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.
听起来很恶心 就像这样 It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:
那是阿拉伯语的一个词 这词竟然还是有意义的 That's a word in arabic. That means some shit to them!
他们会在路上走着 They be walking down the street and...
我能来一份汉堡芝士卷吗 "Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"
算了 不要了 伙计 "Never mind, man."
我不想那些玩意弄在我的面包上 你大爷的 "I don't want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker!"
西班牙语 Spanish language.
知道我为什么想学西班牙语吗 因为我一直很喜欢里奇里卡多 You know why I want to learn how to speak spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.
他对露西发火的时候会说 When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:
我会说 里奇继续 骂死这贱人 I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out."
里奇会发了疯地骂 他很酷 Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.
50年代的表演者 里奇里卡多算是最酷的一个 For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.
他穿上喇叭裤 尖头鞋 在巴巴罗俱乐部里 He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit.
还记得这玩意吗 Remember that shit?
你坐那儿就这样 You be sittin' there like this:
他的笑声也很酷 就像这样 He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:
这实在太不像话了 "It's justa ridiculous!"
嘿 弗莱德 你要不要过来操我的屁股啊 "Hey, Fred! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
电视都乱七八糟的 这儿有孩子吗 TV is all screwed... Any kids here?
我是说小朋友 我不喜欢你们带小朋友来这儿 I mean, little kids. I don't like you bringing those kids down here.
你几岁了 伙计 How old are you, man? How old?
十三岁吗 噢 你今天回去肯定蛋疼死了 13? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up when you leave.
老爸 鸡巴是什么东西啊 "Dad! What's a dick, what is that?"
那边那个女孩子几岁了 How old is the other girl, over there?
噢 你肯定听得很蛋疼吧 Oh, y'all fucked up now!
没想到我的表演会是这样的吧 Y'all thought I would be going like this:
没想到我会说 一根鸡巴有这么大 You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big!"
这小孩睡觉被吓醒会说 一根黑人的鸡巴要来抓我了 妈 The kid's gonna be waking up and: "A negro's dick's coming to get me, mom!"
我要跟你讲个笑话 讲个你可以在学校说的笑话 好了 I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.
这是一个小笑话 你们也可以听一听 Here's a little joke... Y'all can listen to it too.
我知道很多人看完我的表演 回去就把我笑话演砸了 I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
然后他就说 咕尼咕咕 "...and then he said guni gugu!"
然后有只特种部队的玩偶就插在他屁股上 "And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"
嘿 我是Mr.T 我要用我的屁股把你的鸡巴夹断 "Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip your cock off with my ass!"
他同事就站那儿说 是啊 很好笑嘛 是啦 And dude be standing all: "Yeah, very funny shit, right..."
这里有个可以在学校讲的笑话 上课的时候可以说 Here's a joke you can tell at school, when school starts.
大家安静 你们有在听吗 Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys?
一只熊和一只兔子在森林里拉屎 A bear and a rabbit are takin' a shit in the woods.
那只熊转过去跟兔子说 不好意思 你介意你的毛上粘到屎吗 And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
兔子说 不介意 And the rabbit says: "No."
然后那只熊就抓起那只兔子擦屁股 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
我喜欢那个笑话 I like that joke.
噢 操 有人买了有线电视吗 Oh, shit! Anybody got cable?
我最近看了很多电视 很火大啊 因为好的电视节目只有星际迷航 I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.
那节目真的不错 That's some good shit!
我喜欢科克船长 因为科克船长谁都敢惹 I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk will fuck anybody!
我看他停在一个星球上 有没有看过他操那个绿色的贱人 I've seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he fucked this green bitch?
你肯定得是非常淫荡的人 才会去操绿色的贱人 You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a green bitch!
我不是什么种族主义者 但是如果那贱人是绿色的 她的B肯定也有问题 I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green there's something wrong with the pussy!
他正操这一个突变异种 He'll be fucking a mutant and:
船快坏了 斯科特先生 我很喜欢他 他很好笑 从不装酷 Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.
他跟斯波克完全相反 船要坏了 斯科特说 He's the opposite of Spock. The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:
船长 船快撑不住了 它就快炸了 "Captain, my ship can't take much more of this sir. She's about to blow!"
让斯波克去处理吧 "Let Spock handle it."
斯波克说 斯科特先生 为什么不拿移相器 对准锂晶体呢 And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals
对准移相器 就能用到里面的能量了 and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers
让锂晶体再生 我们就可以用脉冲功率离开这里了 to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power."
斯波克先生 上点蜡就可以了 "Mr Spock! It just might wax it!"
这玩意上周就能用 干你妹的 "The shit worked last week, motherfucker!"
我受够电视节目了 因为我看到星际迷航 我开始看有线节目了 I got fed up with TV and shit, coz I seen all the Star Treks. I start watching cable.
我上个月在看《鬼驱人》 I was watching Poltergeist last month.
我有个问题 I got a question.
为什么白人知道屋子里有鬼 他们还不走 Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost in the house?
你们在屋子里呆太久了 滚出去吧 Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long. Get the fuck out of the house!
很简单 如果屋子闹鬼 就滚出去啊 Very simple: If there's a ghost in the house, get the fuck out!
他们不只跟鬼呆在屋子里 还邀请更多人来 And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over!
围坐着说 我们的女儿卡罗尔安在电视里面 Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's in the television set."
我就走了 I would have been gone.
如果我有个女儿 走进了鬼屋 If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say
听着 我回家要有个该死的女儿在电视里 我他妈就跑了 "Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the TV set and I just fucking left."
屋子什么的都给你 我是不会再会这鬼地方了 You can have all this, I ain't going back to the motherfucker.
我跑了 如果她没在学校 你就不会觉得是我杀了这贱人 I just came down so when she ain't at the school you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.
但是她在电视里 你什么都做不了 谢谢 But she is inside the TV set you can have all that shit. Thank you.
墨菲先生 为什么你不救你女儿呢 "Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"
是啊 我是个男人 我试着想救她 Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her
我电视一打开 电视坏了 我他妈的就走了 I turned the channels the shit didn't work. I got the fuck out.
电影里那孩子才六岁 他们本来不该靠近她的 The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn't have been to attach to her.
在鬼哭神嚎里 鬼叫那些人滚出去 In the Amityville Horror the ghost told them to get out of the house.
白人会呆在那儿 这里有个建议给你们丫的 White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint and a half for your ass.
鬼如果说 滚出去 我给了小费就赶紧滚蛋了 A ghost say, get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door!
卢沃克尔看了看马桶 里面有血液 Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, there was blood in the toilet.
他说 这很特别嘛 And said, "That's peculiar."
我在屋子里说 噢 亲爱的 这里很漂亮啊 I would have been in the house saying: "Oh baby this is beautiful."
上面还有吊灯 孩子们在外面玩 邻居也不错 "We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. It's a beautiful neighbourhood."
没什么好担心的 我真的很喜欢这地方 很漂亮 "We ain't got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice."
-滚出去 -太糟了 我们不能呆这儿 宝贝 -"Get out!" -"Too bad we can't stay, baby!"
我还想说点什么 You know, I wanna say something.
可能是三十年前吧 有个黑人妇女想唱歌剧 I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...
她叫什么名字来着 What was her name?
玛丽安德森吗 当时这是种族隔离区 她不能在这唱 Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn't sing here.
她不能在这个台上唱歌 大概不到五十年后的今天 And she couldn't sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later,
一个二十二岁的黑人小伙在这台上抓他的鸡巴也能赚到钱 A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
上帝保佑美国 我得走了 你们保重 拜拜 God bless America! I gotta go now. Y'all take it easy, bye bye!
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