# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
# There's not a soul out there
# No-one to hear my prayer
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! #
Hi! I'm Terry Clinger. Welcome to the show.
Let's meet Linda. Linda says she's fed up with her husband Tom spending
far too much time away from home.
She says he's having an affair with a woman she's never met.
She says enough is enough. Hi, Linda.
Hi, Terry.
Tell me about this woman. She's called Gloria and she's a BEEP slut.
You've been married...? Five years.
How old are you? 18.
Now, Linda, some people say Tom is...gay.
Bull BEEP! If he was gay, why'd he spend so much time at hers?
He's been there every night this week.
Are we ready to meet Tom? ALL: Yes!
Bring him on.
Hi, Terry. Hi, Tom.
Welcome to the show. So, Tom, you're not gay?
You know I is, Linda. Tell it to the hand, explain it to the finger.
Linda says you've been spending a lot of time with Gloria. I have.
She's my FRIEND. You sleep with a friend?! I do not, mother BEEP!
All right, folks. All right now.
Now, settle down. Settle down, folks.
I know you're upset. ..Linda?
He goes with her because she takes it up the BEEP! Don't go there!
No man parks his car in MY basement.
Are we ready to meet Gloria?
NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Thomas?
I've made you a spot of breakfast.
Enter!
Oh, you silly fat tart!
Oh, but look, is this for me, though?
Breakfast in bed for my favourite flatmate.
Good title for a show, Breakfast In Bed.
A cookery-cum-chat pre-9am show on Channel 5. Must call Kirsty Young.
It's a fantastic idea. Mm...
Wait, wait, wait. You're in a generous mood. I'm always generous.
Sleeping with a Big Issue vendor
doesn't make you Queen of Hearts, all right?
Oh, look! There's a dog hair.
It's auburn. It's one of mine.
Precisely what I meant.
Well, Linda, you've surpassed yourself.
I didn't even know you could cook.
Jerry Hall said a good woman had to be a slut in the kitchen
and a chef in the bedroom...
She always did talk shit, didn't she?
Hey, Lindy, look at us - same bed.
I could count on my right hand
the number of women I've been in bed with.
Used to jump in with mother on cold mornings. Really? Yes.
Don't want to talk about it. Nearly went to bed with Stephanie Beacham.
Couldn't you go through with it? No, I didn't get the part. Aw.
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.
I was up for Brick. Lovely theatre, Westcliff-on-Sea.
Robert Carlyle always gets my parts, the bastard!
The day he retires, my career's gonna soar.
You'd have been brilliant as Hamish Macbeth. I know.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Aye, there's a cold fog comin' in.
And little, um...Toto.
I think we're stranded till teatime.
So poetic, them Scotch, ain't they? Yes, they are.
This is nice, innit?
What is?
Us two, sat here chatting, chewing the cud.
Well, it beats sticking pins in your eyes, I suppose.
I think it's really lovely.
Oh, stop it at once! You're getting snot all over my elkskin rug.
Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm upset? No!
Get out, you overemotional slutbag!
I bet you're not this horrible to whatshername. Who? Thingy!
You're always round at her place. You mean Gloria? Yeah, Gloria!
What, so I can't have friends now?
I've got to eke out the rest of my days
with some ginger fag hag with enough cellulite to cover Japan?
You used to be lovely to me!
Well, people change, OK?!
I bet Gloria'll change when you move in with her!
I know you're planning to. I can feel it in me water!
I'm not gonna move in with her!
No?
No, Lindy.
You silly little kumquat.
I'm gonna marry her. Great...
WHAT?! I'm going to marry her.
I was going to tell you. I was.
Are you a tad upset? You are a bit, aren't you?
You're taking it very well, though, Lindy. Very well...
AR-R-R-R-R-GH!
Don't you dare! Stop it!
Linda!
NO! That was carved by the elbows of an ancient fingerless tribe!
Not Simon Shepherd!
Bitch!
Back, back, back, back.
My bedroom's doing a nice impression of Beirut. Thanks.
Hypocrite! If you give me five minutes, I can explain it to you.
Are you not a big fat homosexual?
Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, no.
How would you put it then? I'm a gay man.
"I'm a gay man!" So why are you marrying a woman, then, you wanker?
Gloria is a lesbian.
Eurgh! Turns my stomach!
We're not getting married because we're riddled with some
sort of internalised homophobia...
Don't bamboozle me with big words!
Just shut up! Honestly, this is just ridic'.
You won't even let me explain!
You want me to shut up? OK, I shall zip up my mouth and (shut up)!
Eurgh, little queenie strop! You won't be able to do that
when you are married. Gloria won't like that.
Gloria is American.
So's Charles Manson. Don't mean he's perfect.
She lives here with her girlfriend.
Eurgh! What does she think of you two getting spliced?
She's bridesmaid.
You've joined one of 'em cults. Stupid. You can't brainwash me.
I might have had more pricks than Kerplunk,
but I ain't joining no happy-clappy bunch of zombies!
That's a stupid thing to say. You are!
You're trying to brainwash me!
If I was joining a cult, the last person I'd want in it would be you!
What's this?
The Gloria Bibbel...Bible!
Let me explain. I will keep it to words of one syllable, OK?
Have you seen the movie Green Card?
Yes! Yes, you have. Right.
Well, I'm Andie MacDowell
and she is Gerard Depardieu. She is.
Who am I?
I'm gonna marry her so she can stay here and be with her girlfriend.
Eugh! Is Andie MacDowell a lesbian? She looks like me! No!
I need this so we can prove
to the authorities we know each other intimately.
I'll give you an example. Um...
Favourite colour.
Nipple pink.
Not you - Gloria. How do I know? I've never even met the bitch.
GOD!
Just how stupid can one person be?! You've never met my cousin Velma.
I wouldn't expect you to go on Mastermind
answering questions about her!
I am going to marry Gloria
so she can stay in this country and live with her beloved!
OK? End of story!
Some story! It's more confusing than Hansel And Gretel!
Hansel And Gretel's not confusing!
When did you last stay in a house you could eat?!
It twists children's minds, that does.
So...
So, Tom, are you still gay?
If I could be stuck in a lift with Shirley Williams or Robbie Williams,
I think I'd plump for Robbie.
ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!
YE-E-E-E-S!
I'm still gay!
So when's this bloody wedding then?
Um, next Saturday. What?! I was going to tell you.
You're marrying some dykey bitch I've never seen on Saturday!
Tomorrow, she's coming for a dress fitting. Degsy's doing the dress.
Degsy does dresses for drag queens.
Yes, but you haven't seen Gloria.
My brain!
What?
Well, according to this, you're clinically dead.
DOORBELL
Go and see what she looks like.
Is she built like a brick shithouse?
She looks like Geoff Capes in slingbacks.
Have a butchers. I'm too weak to walk.
I used to be like that after a busy day at the sauna.
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
Why are they so excited? It's only a marriage of convenience.
Beryl's wondering whether Linda's jealous.
Linda's wondering if Beryl wants a slap.
Pop through and see the young damsel.
That might relieve your symptoms.
I would if I could, but I'm dying.
I've got an 'orrible taste in my mouth. How d'you explain that?
This thermometer hasn't been washed since Rene's cat had mumps.
I'm gonna be late. I'm up in Kentish Town with my sister,
dress fitting for the big day. I'll see you at six.
Did you get those Polaroids of Cindy with the donkey?
..Yeah. Yeah. Cool.
Just don't let the animal rights guys see them. ..OK, ciao.
Bloody 'ell, she IS butch.
Hi. You must be Linda. Great jugs.
You cheeky bitch.
Vince Muncher - I'm Gloria's brother. Oh-h-h!
I thought there was something cocky about you.
I'm based in the States.
I make programmes for an adult entertainment channel. My card.
Oh! Fanny Fix-Up.
Yeah. It's our most successful show.
It's a bit like Blind Date, only we film the sex as well.
Are you looking for contestants? Does the bear shit in the woods?
What is my favourite meal from the chip shop? Battered cod.
Chinese takeaway? ..Hello, Lindy. Feeling better?
..Chicken chow mein. ..Gloria. Hi. ..Italian?
Second generation Irish.
Spaghetti carbonara? Vongole. Vongole. Fish I eat, meat I don't.
We heard.
Get me a coffee. What?!
Black. Would you like to be our bridesmaid?
Would you like a slap in the mouth?
Coffee. Shaddap.
I've got a thing about bridesmaids.
So ripe for the pluckin'.
Sat up there on the top table, bit of cake dribbling down their chin.
Gets me every fricking time.
I'll do it.
Oh, carrumba. Who let the dickheads from downstairs in?
Hi, cats! Which scatterbrain lost this? The Tom Bible. I'll have it.
Don't you dare read that! What does this say?
Tom thinks the most sexiest person on TV is Gaby Roslin.
Oh, you liar! No, I do, I think she's sexy.
You only stick your hand down your pants for Robson Green.
Same 'ere!
Hey...
Tom, you left the most favourite sexual experience bit blank.
It won't impress the authorities -
rubbing against Ainsley Harriot's bottom on a night flight to Munich.
You can use our best sexual experience if you like.
Pen. Pen. OK, best sexual experience. Spit it out.
There was a time when we were on an accountancy course in Leatherhead.
Do you know Leatherhead?
Is it something to do with S and M?
No.
Yes, it was!
Let me write it down. It's a little bit embarrassing.
Favourite hobby - football?
Wanting to sniff Michael Owen's jockstrap does not make you a fan.
I'm often to be found on a Saturday, feet up on the three-piece,
can in hand, cheering Beckham on.
But it's "ON my head, Beckham", not, "GIVE me head, Beckham".
Um, is handcuffs hyphenated?
So many room-mates. Do you want to be bridesmaid too? No! ..Get out!
Oh, get off the programme, honey.
You're upset cos I'm using your flat for the fitting. Tough shit.
I want my outfit to be a surprise for India.
We're getting global coverage. Fab!
Don't be bloody stupid! You know India is her girlfriend.
That's India. That's eczema.
She'll be bridesmaid with you.
DOORBELL
Tinnitus, is that stress?
That's Degsy. I'll take a Valium.
Oh, take the whole bottle, love.
That's as much as I can remember.
In order to be really graphic,
we should pop down to Leatherhead and re-enact the whole thing.
What, now?
You've still got the electrodes? In my clutch bag. ..Ciao, peeps!
See you at the wedding. Bye, cats. Oi, Vince, where are you going?
Leatherhead.
No, stand, stand.
Are we over-blessed bottom-wise?
I'm thinking bustle, mermaid, fish scoop, fan tail, chain mail.
I'm thinking up here, down there,
quieten down the noisy cleavage with some costume jewellery.
This is Degsy.
Haute couture to the stars - Bonnie Langford, Lonnie Donegan -
I put 'em all in maxi pants, made them huge.
Degsy's doubling as my best man.
Uh-huh. One thing - I'm not wearing a dress.
I'm wearing a suit.
Linda, smelling salts. What?
Eh? I'm fine. What did she say?
Don't worry, Degs, I'll sort it.
Glo, a word of advice from your chief bridesmaid.
We know you're a refugee from the People's Republic of Lesbania.
National costume - check shirt and clumpy boots,
but it is law in this country that brides wear a dress.
I've a rare skin disorder. I cannot expose my legs to the light.
It's common in lesbians.
You don't want India sitting home alone with a TV dinner.
That's what will happen if this marriage fails.
OK, I'm gonna shoot from the hip. Eurgh!
Degsy, think subtle. I got great tits. It'd be a shame to miss 'em.
Stick Linda in a body bag. Eh?
Registry office then back here. I want lights, balloons.
I want a women-only space in the kitchen.
I want KD Lang, but I don't think I'll get her.
And I know you guys are English, but I'm saying no right now to karaoke.
'Ere you go.
Good old traditional English breakfast - cuppa tea and a fag.
Still as hilarious as heart disease.
Did ya sleep well? Not a wink. Should've taken a sleeping tablet.
After last time? 4am in the medicine cabinet,
took an E by mistake.
Spent the night telling my posters I love them.
What's this? Oh, it's photos of me and Degsy when we were 18.
You haven't changed. Thanks. Neither's Degsy.
You get that with mates - the fit one and the ugly one.
My best mate was a right bloodhound.
Right! Thanks very much.
I don't know how you can fancy that Degsy. He's camper than a big van.
I shall pretend I didn't hear that.
I've seen the looks you give him.
I won't look. Just cos you fancy your best mate,
don't mean we all do. Not that you're my best mate.
The only other person you speak to regularly, you say four words to -
"John Player Special, please."
At least I speak when I go out.
I don't wander round Albert Square with a shopping bag. Extra! Extra!
Get your bridesmaid's dress on!
Yeah. Better make myself look beautiful for Vince.
Did you see the looks he gave me? He's in porn.
I was born to be on the top shelf.
You? I've the body of a 14-year-old.
Which one? Billy Bunter?
Hello.
No! No! No!
Beryl, Beryl, I can't do this.
Be brave, be bold.
Be butch! Be butch. I can do this. I can. Yes, I can.
OK, Linda? Yeah, I'm fine, India. Will you stop lookin' at me tits?!
All the best.
Sorry. Do you have any...
pleasantly smelling lavatorial facilities close to hand?
Need to shake my lettuce!
ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH
Back!
Get off me, India! God!
She looks likes a film star!
I'm often mistaken for a ginger Uma Thurman.
Where did the dogs come from? New York and Dalston.
Shh! The sooner we get on with this, the sooner I can go to the toilet!
If anyone present knows any reason
why these two people should not be joined in wedded matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
GASPS
Come on. I'm baking. Come on!
I now pronounce you man and wife. ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH
You may kiss the bride.
I'd rather tongue the bridesmaid.
Oi, on your bike. I'm not a dyke.
This is MC Littlewood sending out
a special 78 to all you conjugal groovesters out there.
This is my own personal remix
of that horny-haired pop minstrel Prodigy and Edelweiss!
..Oh, no, it's not! It's the Dooleys.
You're right, Vince. The camera loves me.
I need to get a studio in London. I hope you got the right equipment.
Chop me off at the knees and call me tripod.
OK, crazy alley cats, it's time to chuck the bluebells.
Wifey, take it away!
Cut the wisecracks, big guy.
Watch how high I can bounce, baby. OK, I'm gonna throw.
Get out. Here's my wig maker's number. You need it more than I do.
NO! It's my flat! It's my flat!
You and I need to talk. I got a proposition I wanna make.
Oh, I hope it's not risque!
Oh, there you are.
You know, if I was poor and working class, I'd say, "Penny for 'em".
Go back and enjoy the party. No. We can have our own party right here.
Degs, do you remember this?
# Walk up to the phone box Walk up to the phone box
# Pick up the receiver Pick up the receiver
# Take the baby for a walk... #
No?
What's the matter? Degs! Desiree! Desdemona!
What? Know what? You should get married too. It's bloody fantastic.
Tom? I've got a confession to make.
It was you who stole my spandex boob tube in 1982! I forgive you!
I'm serious. Then who stole it?!
Tom? What, what, what?
In the past few months, I've found myself growing very fond of someone.
Right, yeah.
Someone quite close to me. Your mother?
Recently, the fondness has developed into a physical attraction.
Oh, it IS your mother. Tom! Sorry!
I'm afraid it'll affect our friendship.
Well, knock me down with a pretty big feather, Degs.
It's all right, you know.
Tell me, is this person pretty devilishly fit?
Oh, yes! Devilishly horny?
God, yes! And devilishly ME, eh?
Why would it affect our friendship even if we lived together? What...?
I like Linda. She's harmless. ..But they said Chernobyl was harmless.
Don't say any more. I must go back in.
Guess what Vince wants me to do!
I'd rather flick-flack down the street in a string vest!
Degsy, I might need your advice.
Ditch the perm, love. No. Fashion tips.
Got a spare decade?
Fashion for a big day! ..Come in, you gorgeous hunk of manhood!
Now, do to me in 'ere what you did out there.
No, no, no, no! We're sensitive homosexuals! No!
Now, open your mouth. NO!
Say it!
Work for me, Linda.
Vince is doing a programme over here - Poor White Trash Get It On.
I'd love you to front it for me, Linda.
You're the epitome of sleaze and vulgarity.
Oh! What's your answer?
I'll keep that to myself for now as part of my feminine mystique.
BUT I have to say, in order for us to work well together as a team,
we may have to sleep together.
Really? Mmm! Regularly.
I'll give it my best goddamn shot.
Oooh! I've news too. Champagne! Champagne!
Oh, ain't it great, Tom? A career and a shag all rolled into one!
Lindy, I also bring good tidings.
My unrequited love for Degsy has been requited. Speak English!
He loves me!
How do I tell her I'm impotent?
How do I tell HIM I've gone straight?
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
# There's not a soul out there
# No-one to hear my prayer
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
# Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! #