1 00:00:00,455 --> 00:00:02,488 ♪♪♪ 2 00:00:08,122 --> 00:00:11,422 ♪ you won't admit you love me ♪ 3 00:00:11,423 --> 00:00:12,988 ♪ and so ♪ 4 00:00:12,989 --> 00:00:15,488 ♪ how am I ever ♪ 5 00:00:15,489 --> 00:00:17,355 ♪ to know ♪ 6 00:00:17,356 --> 00:00:20,321 ♪ you always tell me ♪ 7 00:00:20,322 --> 00:00:23,756 ♪ perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ♪ 8 00:00:24,756 --> 00:00:26,988 ♪ perhaps ♪ 9 00:00:26,989 --> 00:00:29,088 ♪ perhaps ♪ 10 00:00:29,089 --> 00:00:31,156 ♪ perhaps ♪ 11 00:00:41,756 --> 00:00:43,389 Susan's. 12 00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:20,155 Operator: This call is being diverted. Please hold. 13 00:01:20,156 --> 00:01:22,423 ( House phone rings ) 14 00:01:30,823 --> 00:01:32,456 Hello? 15 00:01:36,556 --> 00:01:38,156 Hello, who is this? 16 00:01:39,723 --> 00:01:41,355 Um... 17 00:01:41,356 --> 00:01:44,089 For god's sake, is this some kind of pervert? 18 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,155 It... it's Steve. 19 00:01:48,156 --> 00:01:51,255 Oh, Steve! Hi. It's Sally. 20 00:01:51,256 --> 00:01:52,789 Yes. 21 00:01:52,790 --> 00:01:54,889 You looking for Susan? She's not here. 22 00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:56,789 No. 23 00:01:56,790 --> 00:02:00,522 My shower's broken, she said I could use hers. 24 00:02:00,523 --> 00:02:02,155 You could try her mobile... 25 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:03,556 Ohh! 26 00:02:09,055 --> 00:02:10,555 No! 27 00:02:10,556 --> 00:02:12,954 She bent right over, right in front of me! 28 00:02:12,955 --> 00:02:14,722 You lucky bastard! 29 00:02:14,723 --> 00:02:16,488 Lucky?! 30 00:02:16,489 --> 00:02:19,321 Brilliant! That kind of thing never happens to me. 31 00:02:19,322 --> 00:02:21,255 Jeff, she's a friend! 32 00:02:21,256 --> 00:02:23,021 I'll never be able to look her in the eye again. 33 00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:24,955 But at least it happened once. 34 00:02:27,489 --> 00:02:29,555 You had an opinion yet? 35 00:02:29,556 --> 00:02:31,555 Nope, nothing. 36 00:02:31,556 --> 00:02:32,688 I keep trying to have an opinion, 37 00:02:32,689 --> 00:02:33,921 but nothing happens in my head. 38 00:02:33,922 --> 00:02:35,355 My point exactly. 39 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,755 Men can't have opinions about fabric. 40 00:02:37,756 --> 00:02:39,988 They haven't got the equipment. 41 00:02:39,989 --> 00:02:42,388 So what happened? What? 42 00:02:42,389 --> 00:02:43,955 With Sally's ass? 43 00:02:46,890 --> 00:02:47,988 Oh, bollocks. 44 00:02:47,989 --> 00:02:49,288 What's wrong? 45 00:02:49,289 --> 00:02:50,823 I just cut you off. 46 00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:56,156 Steve? 47 00:02:57,256 --> 00:02:59,021 Yes, Sally? 48 00:02:59,022 --> 00:03:01,755 You're standing right behind me, aren't you? 49 00:03:01,756 --> 00:03:05,656 I'm more than usually certain of that. 50 00:03:07,356 --> 00:03:09,954 I'm going to pick up this towel. 51 00:03:09,955 --> 00:03:11,321 You're going to look the other way. 52 00:03:11,322 --> 00:03:12,588 Clear? 53 00:03:12,589 --> 00:03:14,222 Yes. Yes, good idea. 54 00:03:15,289 --> 00:03:16,889 I'm really sorry about this, um... 55 00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:18,855 I was just looking for my keys, 56 00:03:18,856 --> 00:03:19,988 I thought I might have left them here. 57 00:03:19,989 --> 00:03:20,989 Okay. 58 00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,822 But I couldn't find them. 59 00:03:22,823 --> 00:03:25,622 So I thought I'd phone Susan's mobile, 60 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,822 but it diverted here. 61 00:03:27,823 --> 00:03:29,722 Oh god, I'm just so sorry 62 00:03:29,723 --> 00:03:32,555 about this whole... Nudity situation. 63 00:03:32,556 --> 00:03:33,922 Did you look everywhere? 64 00:03:35,156 --> 00:03:36,522 Okay... 65 00:03:36,523 --> 00:03:38,255 Okay, yes, I looked. 66 00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:41,455 I'm a bloke, you bent over, I looked... shoot me. 67 00:03:41,456 --> 00:03:43,388 Did you look everywhere... 68 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,055 For your keys? 69 00:03:49,122 --> 00:03:50,688 How can I ever tell Susan? 70 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,221 What do you mean? 71 00:03:52,222 --> 00:03:54,188 She's my best friend. 72 00:03:54,189 --> 00:03:57,588 My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. 73 00:03:57,589 --> 00:03:59,655 There must be a rule about that. 74 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,921 A rule just for bottoms? 75 00:04:02,922 --> 00:04:05,321 You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. 76 00:04:05,322 --> 00:04:08,121 Having a bottom is living with the enemy. 77 00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:11,722 Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, 78 00:04:11,723 --> 00:04:13,388 they flirt with men 79 00:04:13,389 --> 00:04:15,155 while we're looking the other way. 80 00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:18,121 I think you've got a very troubled relationship 81 00:04:18,122 --> 00:04:20,156 with your bottom, Sally. 82 00:04:27,856 --> 00:04:29,256 Well? 83 00:04:31,523 --> 00:04:34,321 I nearly had an opinion about that one. 84 00:04:34,322 --> 00:04:35,723 What was it? 85 00:04:38,556 --> 00:04:40,121 It's got a lot of lines. 86 00:04:40,122 --> 00:04:43,156 Okay. Uh, what do you think about that? 87 00:04:47,989 --> 00:04:49,321 I don't know. 88 00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:50,522 You see? 89 00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:52,021 It's not genetically possible 90 00:04:52,022 --> 00:04:54,054 for men to have opinions about fabric. 91 00:04:54,055 --> 00:04:55,789 So anyway... 92 00:04:55,790 --> 00:04:57,921 What did, uh... 93 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,088 Susan say about the whole Sally's ass thing? 94 00:05:00,089 --> 00:05:02,321 It only happened this morning. I haven't told her yet. 95 00:05:02,322 --> 00:05:05,855 You can't tell her, Steve... ever. 96 00:05:05,856 --> 00:05:06,954 Why? 97 00:05:06,955 --> 00:05:09,622 Sally is Susan's best friend. 98 00:05:09,623 --> 00:05:11,488 She's completely off-limits. 99 00:05:11,489 --> 00:05:12,889 You have seen into 100 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:16,321 the very heart of the forbidden lands. 101 00:05:16,322 --> 00:05:19,188 You must never speak of what you saw. 102 00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:21,789 "The forbidden lands"? 103 00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:25,355 Best friends and sisters... 104 00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:28,555 You can talk to them, you can be friends with them, 105 00:05:28,556 --> 00:05:31,422 but you never get a backstage pass. 106 00:05:31,423 --> 00:05:34,722 What, you mean you're allowed to do everything else? 107 00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:36,855 No, what he's saying is, 108 00:05:36,856 --> 00:05:38,789 your girlfriend's best friend and sisters 109 00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:39,954 are off-limits. 110 00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:43,021 I dated twins once for a month. 111 00:05:43,022 --> 00:05:45,455 Exactly. And what happened when they found out? 112 00:05:45,456 --> 00:05:47,656 When they found out? 113 00:05:48,955 --> 00:05:50,789 They were working me in shifts! 114 00:05:50,790 --> 00:05:52,755 I was in a threesome, I didn't even know it. 115 00:05:52,756 --> 00:05:54,088 I was exhausted. 116 00:05:54,089 --> 00:05:56,422 I kept wondering when she slept, when she ate. 117 00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:58,356 Why she kept changing her name. 118 00:06:00,089 --> 00:06:02,522 So how could even you not notice you were dating 119 00:06:02,523 --> 00:06:04,455 two different people? 120 00:06:04,456 --> 00:06:08,088 You see, identical twins can have a weird psychic link. 121 00:06:08,089 --> 00:06:10,989 Yeah, you're right. Identical woulda been worse. 122 00:06:14,756 --> 00:06:17,054 Okay. Okay. 123 00:06:17,055 --> 00:06:20,789 Sally's bottom... What did you think? 124 00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:23,054 Well, it... 125 00:06:23,055 --> 00:06:24,455 It was a bottom, 126 00:06:24,456 --> 00:06:26,822 it was one I hadn't seen before. 127 00:06:26,823 --> 00:06:28,189 I wasn't bored. 128 00:06:30,122 --> 00:06:31,388 Did you like it? 129 00:06:31,389 --> 00:06:34,021 I like Susan's better. 130 00:06:34,022 --> 00:06:36,288 Then why bother with Sally's? 131 00:06:36,289 --> 00:06:37,921 Well, it... 132 00:06:37,922 --> 00:06:39,221 It was fresher. 133 00:06:39,222 --> 00:06:42,388 And it was... It was new bottom to me, 134 00:06:42,389 --> 00:06:45,655 it increased my bottom-seeing total. 135 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,221 Ah. 136 00:06:48,222 --> 00:06:50,188 No. Susan and me, 137 00:06:50,189 --> 00:06:52,822 we're very together now. 138 00:06:52,823 --> 00:06:56,188 We're at that kind of moving-in stage. 139 00:06:56,189 --> 00:07:00,789 You know, it's all about fabrics and curtains 140 00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:03,689 and... and cushions... 141 00:07:05,156 --> 00:07:07,188 Susan gave me this a week ago! 142 00:07:07,189 --> 00:07:09,188 I was supposed to have an opinion by now! 143 00:07:09,189 --> 00:07:11,789 How am I expected to have an opinion in a week?! 144 00:07:11,790 --> 00:07:14,688 So... what if you tell Susan 145 00:07:14,689 --> 00:07:17,121 that you've seen Sally's bottom? 146 00:07:17,122 --> 00:07:18,855 I will tell her. 147 00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:21,021 We're honest with each other, we tell each other things. 148 00:07:21,022 --> 00:07:22,822 Yeah? And what if Susan asks 149 00:07:22,823 --> 00:07:25,688 if you liked her best friend's bottom? 150 00:07:25,689 --> 00:07:27,388 What if? 151 00:07:27,389 --> 00:07:29,555 Don you know what she'll really be asking? 152 00:07:29,556 --> 00:07:32,455 Do you know what captain subtext would say? 153 00:07:32,456 --> 00:07:35,755 "Captain subtext"? 154 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:39,789 She'll be saying, "do you fancy my best friend?" 155 00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:43,822 And who is captain subtext? 156 00:07:43,823 --> 00:07:46,121 So what will you tell her when she asks you that? 157 00:07:46,122 --> 00:07:47,255 The truth. 158 00:07:47,256 --> 00:07:48,722 But you do fancy her. 159 00:07:48,723 --> 00:07:50,188 Everybody fancies Sally. 160 00:07:50,189 --> 00:07:53,355 Okay. I'll tell her lies. 161 00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:54,488 She'll know. 162 00:07:54,489 --> 00:07:56,288 Will captain subtext tell her? 163 00:07:56,289 --> 00:07:59,723 Captain subtext isn't a real person, Steve. 164 00:08:01,656 --> 00:08:03,422 Yes, I got that. 165 00:08:03,423 --> 00:08:04,921 So who will tell her? 166 00:08:04,922 --> 00:08:09,188 The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh. 167 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,523 And are they real, or do they work with the captain? 168 00:08:14,022 --> 00:08:16,756 Oh, Steve... They're real. 169 00:08:22,256 --> 00:08:24,789 Hi. Hi, sorry I'm running late. 170 00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,155 No problem. 171 00:08:26,156 --> 00:08:28,921 Can't stay long. Late night shopping with Steve. 172 00:08:28,922 --> 00:08:30,855 We're at the furniture stage. 173 00:08:30,856 --> 00:08:32,889 Good luck. 174 00:08:32,890 --> 00:08:34,755 Oh, no, he's taken a real interest. 175 00:08:34,756 --> 00:08:36,655 He's had a pattern book for a week. 176 00:08:36,656 --> 00:08:40,121 I may need both your opinions on a sofa, by the way. 177 00:08:40,122 --> 00:08:43,455 Ooh, I love giving opinions, I've got hundreds. 178 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,655 Did you use my shower okay? 179 00:08:45,656 --> 00:08:47,255 Sure, thanks. 180 00:08:47,256 --> 00:08:49,221 Steve turned up, by the way... He lost his keys. 181 00:08:49,222 --> 00:08:50,988 Oh, right. 182 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,756 Hope he didn't catch you with your kit off. 183 00:08:56,222 --> 00:08:58,688 Jeff: Stage one... The prickles. 184 00:08:58,689 --> 00:09:02,522 You can feel the prickles starting all over your face. 185 00:09:02,523 --> 00:09:04,954 If you just think the word "blush," 186 00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:08,522 your head will inflate to three times its normal size. 187 00:09:08,523 --> 00:09:11,755 And then you realize you're not saying anything. 188 00:09:11,756 --> 00:09:13,355 Your stuck on "pause," 189 00:09:13,356 --> 00:09:15,789 and you've forgotten how to work your face, 190 00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,522 and the pause is just getting longer and longer, 191 00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:20,155 and you've got to get back in control! 192 00:09:20,156 --> 00:09:22,588 Mistake two... the blurts. 193 00:09:22,589 --> 00:09:25,088 No. No, of course he didn't. 194 00:09:25,089 --> 00:09:28,155 No. No way. As if. No, of course not. 195 00:09:28,156 --> 00:09:31,622 Why would you think that? I mean, come on, Susan. 196 00:09:31,623 --> 00:09:34,622 Then you realize you were speaking too fast, 197 00:09:34,623 --> 00:09:37,588 and you've got to compensate, make it seem all right. 198 00:09:37,589 --> 00:09:40,488 That's when you make the biggest mistake of all. 199 00:09:40,489 --> 00:09:42,988 You do the head laugh. 200 00:09:42,989 --> 00:09:44,954 Ha ha ha ha ha! 201 00:09:44,955 --> 00:09:47,423 Okay, what's wrong? 202 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,555 Was he the one with the magic ring? 203 00:09:51,556 --> 00:09:53,789 I'm sorry? 204 00:09:53,790 --> 00:09:57,088 Captain subtext, did he have this ring 205 00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:59,522 that would shoot out this ray 206 00:09:59,523 --> 00:10:01,588 and it would become like a giant fist 207 00:10:01,589 --> 00:10:02,655 or an axe or something? 208 00:10:02,656 --> 00:10:04,422 No, that was green lantern. 209 00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:06,422 Was he the one with the giant cave, then? 210 00:10:06,423 --> 00:10:07,889 Patrick! 211 00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:09,522 There isn't a captain subtext! 212 00:10:09,523 --> 00:10:11,054 It's just an expression 213 00:10:11,055 --> 00:10:12,921 for when you say one thing and mean another. 214 00:10:12,922 --> 00:10:14,988 Exactly. He didn't have a cave. 215 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:16,555 He lived in our attic 216 00:10:16,556 --> 00:10:19,221 and had secret meetings with my mother. 217 00:10:19,222 --> 00:10:20,522 Right. 218 00:10:20,523 --> 00:10:23,921 He had a special helmet of truth detection. 219 00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:26,121 If I ever told any lies, 220 00:10:26,122 --> 00:10:27,988 he's sneak into my room when I was asleep 221 00:10:27,989 --> 00:10:30,355 and perform surgical operations on me. 222 00:10:30,356 --> 00:10:32,988 You can stop any time you like, Jeff. 223 00:10:32,989 --> 00:10:35,855 Every morning I'd check, 224 00:10:35,856 --> 00:10:39,054 and my penis would be a tiny bit smaller. 225 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,954 Every time I told a lie, 226 00:10:41,955 --> 00:10:43,921 he's sneak in and remove another segment. 227 00:10:43,922 --> 00:10:46,655 Segment? 228 00:10:46,656 --> 00:10:50,054 That's how my mother would know if I'd been fibbing. 229 00:10:50,055 --> 00:10:53,288 "Keep up with all your lying, Jeffrey, 230 00:10:53,289 --> 00:10:55,589 I've always wanted a daughter." 231 00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,221 Ah, mothers, eh? 232 00:10:59,222 --> 00:11:02,255 I'm sorry, but that's completely mad. 233 00:11:02,256 --> 00:11:04,288 It's a little special, isn't it? 234 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,221 People don't say one thing and mean another, 235 00:11:06,222 --> 00:11:07,855 it just doesn't happen. 236 00:11:07,856 --> 00:11:11,188 People make subconscious slips. We all do it. 237 00:11:11,189 --> 00:11:13,221 Thank you, Steve, but I think you'll find 238 00:11:13,222 --> 00:11:15,689 not everybody has a subconscious. 239 00:11:17,122 --> 00:11:18,889 Very probably true. 240 00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:21,021 Anyone want another drink? 241 00:11:21,022 --> 00:11:22,321 Great, yeah. 242 00:11:22,322 --> 00:11:24,088 Better not. Came in my penis. 243 00:11:24,089 --> 00:11:26,655 I'm taking it to the garage. 244 00:11:26,656 --> 00:11:29,588 Been having trouble lately, it just won't start. 245 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,322 Your car? 246 00:11:36,955 --> 00:11:38,889 I said "penis" there, didn't I? 247 00:11:38,890 --> 00:11:40,921 So... 248 00:11:40,922 --> 00:11:43,789 Having a bit of car trouble, are we? 249 00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:47,088 Anything you wanna share with us? 250 00:11:47,089 --> 00:11:48,722 Any of your motoring difficulties? 251 00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:50,588 Look, you two may have subconsciouses, 252 00:11:50,589 --> 00:11:53,588 but there's nothing going on in my head! 253 00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,921 All right, only joking. Just kidding. 254 00:11:55,922 --> 00:11:57,622 Anyway, it was your fault, 255 00:11:57,623 --> 00:11:59,588 you started talking about traitors in the first place. 256 00:11:59,589 --> 00:12:01,255 Penises! 257 00:12:01,256 --> 00:12:03,221 Not traitors. 258 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,221 Penises. 259 00:12:05,222 --> 00:12:08,822 Whoo hoo! Anyway, look at the time, 260 00:12:08,823 --> 00:12:11,388 it's well past time I was getting off. 261 00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:12,455 'Bye, guys. 262 00:12:12,456 --> 00:12:14,255 'Bye. 263 00:12:14,256 --> 00:12:16,089 See ya. 264 00:12:18,623 --> 00:12:21,422 Okay, so Steve saw your bottom. So what? 265 00:12:21,423 --> 00:12:24,555 So my relationship with your boyfriend 266 00:12:24,556 --> 00:12:26,221 has been thrown completely off balance 267 00:12:26,222 --> 00:12:28,588 by the weight of my bottom! 268 00:12:28,589 --> 00:12:30,689 Can I please rephrase that? 269 00:12:32,489 --> 00:12:35,121 Well, look, I'm not exactly feeling threatened here. 270 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:38,321 Steve's terrified of you, and you think he's useless. 271 00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:39,755 You like men who can do things. 272 00:12:39,756 --> 00:12:41,356 Don't we all? 273 00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:44,988 No, I mean practical things. 274 00:12:44,989 --> 00:12:46,822 She likes plumbers, carpenters. 275 00:12:46,823 --> 00:12:48,755 She cruises the yellow pages. 276 00:12:48,756 --> 00:12:49,822 I do not. 277 00:12:49,823 --> 00:12:51,722 She's been known to put on her best frock 278 00:12:51,723 --> 00:12:53,021 and sabotage the dish washer. 279 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,722 What would be the point? 280 00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:56,388 I hate having sex at home. 281 00:12:56,389 --> 00:12:57,655 I've got a listening flat mate. 282 00:12:57,656 --> 00:12:59,822 Oh, no! I hate those. 283 00:12:59,823 --> 00:13:02,155 Do you have to be really quiet for her? 284 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:05,088 No, I have to be really loud. We're very competitive. 285 00:13:05,089 --> 00:13:08,388 You know, I'd never have pegged you 286 00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:10,155 as liking the practical type. 287 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,755 Oh, I like a man you can kick out of bed 288 00:13:12,756 --> 00:13:14,789 and he'll do things 'round the house. 289 00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:16,588 That means there's a point to... 290 00:13:16,589 --> 00:13:17,954 Well, the rest of him. 291 00:13:17,955 --> 00:13:20,088 I like a man in a tool belt. 292 00:13:20,089 --> 00:13:21,855 It's all just there, in a row. 293 00:13:21,856 --> 00:13:24,422 Sex and mending things. 294 00:13:24,423 --> 00:13:26,921 It says, "I can fix your cistern, 295 00:13:26,922 --> 00:13:29,455 and I can... Fix your cistern." 296 00:13:29,456 --> 00:13:34,054 I've always thought plumbers must be the best at sex. 297 00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:37,422 I mean, there must be a lot of useful crossovers. 298 00:13:37,423 --> 00:13:39,054 Well, then, 299 00:13:39,055 --> 00:13:42,121 I just need a good reason to call out a plumber. 300 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,988 Aaaah, your shower. 301 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,622 Good idea. I'll break my shower. 302 00:13:45,623 --> 00:13:47,221 No, your shower is broken. 303 00:13:47,222 --> 00:13:48,355 I'm sorry? 304 00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:50,389 You had to use mine this morning, remember? 305 00:13:53,189 --> 00:13:54,822 Of course. Exactly. 306 00:13:54,823 --> 00:13:57,188 My shower's broken. I had to use yours. 307 00:13:57,189 --> 00:13:59,488 Silly of me, forgetting like that. 308 00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:02,688 Ha ha ha ha ha! 309 00:14:02,689 --> 00:14:04,321 ( Sighs ) 310 00:14:04,322 --> 00:14:06,255 You could fake an opinion. 311 00:14:06,256 --> 00:14:08,522 Yeah, you could have an opinion 312 00:14:08,523 --> 00:14:10,855 about patterns with lots of spots. 313 00:14:10,856 --> 00:14:12,088 Like what? 314 00:14:12,089 --> 00:14:13,921 Well, you could say that, um... 315 00:14:13,922 --> 00:14:16,921 You're undecided about spots. 316 00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:19,121 That's not an opinion, 317 00:14:19,122 --> 00:14:21,321 that's not having an opinion. 318 00:14:21,322 --> 00:14:22,455 I can't go in with that. 319 00:14:22,456 --> 00:14:24,021 Why? 320 00:14:24,022 --> 00:14:26,388 Are you feeling guilty? 321 00:14:26,389 --> 00:14:28,388 Yeah, a bit. 322 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,221 About the ass-seeing? 323 00:14:30,222 --> 00:14:33,088 Yes, about the... Ass-seeing. 324 00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:36,790 But that's all you did, isn't it? You just ass-saw. 325 00:14:39,122 --> 00:14:41,588 Of course it is, nothing more. What makes you think that? 326 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,088 Nothing. 327 00:14:43,089 --> 00:14:45,623 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 328 00:14:46,922 --> 00:14:49,054 I think perhaps you should go. 329 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,389 Right. 330 00:14:51,955 --> 00:14:54,422 Steve. Yes? 331 00:14:54,423 --> 00:14:56,488 Could you stop thinking about my bottom, please? 332 00:14:56,489 --> 00:14:58,455 I'm not. You're picturing it. 333 00:14:58,456 --> 00:15:01,288 I am not. I've moved on. 334 00:15:01,289 --> 00:15:02,921 It's still in there. 335 00:15:02,922 --> 00:15:04,355 Well, it's in there now... 336 00:15:04,356 --> 00:15:06,255 You've reminded me. 337 00:15:06,256 --> 00:15:08,889 Well, get rid of it. You keep bringing it up! 338 00:15:08,890 --> 00:15:10,921 I can't get it out of my head... 339 00:15:10,922 --> 00:15:12,789 It's... Expanding. 340 00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:14,889 Expanding?! 341 00:15:14,890 --> 00:15:16,388 Like... 342 00:15:16,389 --> 00:15:18,488 Space jelly! 343 00:15:18,489 --> 00:15:21,121 What's space jelly?! 344 00:15:21,122 --> 00:15:22,655 I don't know! 345 00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:24,555 My bottom is not expanding space jelly! 346 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,822 I'm just big-boned! 347 00:15:26,823 --> 00:15:28,288 Oh, thanks! Now I've got breasts! 348 00:15:28,289 --> 00:15:29,289 For god's sake! 349 00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:31,355 Are they gone yet? 350 00:15:31,356 --> 00:15:33,488 Yes, they're gone. 351 00:15:33,489 --> 00:15:34,988 Thank you. 352 00:15:34,989 --> 00:15:38,054 Steve, I am your girlfriend's best friend. I know. 353 00:15:38,055 --> 00:15:41,121 As for as you are concerned, I stop from the neck down. 354 00:15:41,122 --> 00:15:43,755 As far as I'm concerned, you're not even plumbed. 355 00:15:43,756 --> 00:15:45,722 Plumbed? 356 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:47,321 Sorry! Sorry! 357 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,855 Let's try putting this delicately, shall we? 358 00:15:49,856 --> 00:15:52,954 Yes. Delicately would be good. 359 00:15:52,955 --> 00:15:55,722 As Susan's best friend, 360 00:15:55,723 --> 00:15:58,823 I am, to you, a bit like Australia. 361 00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:01,889 Australia? 362 00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:05,054 Very distant, largely uninhabitable, 363 00:16:05,055 --> 00:16:07,588 and with areas of great danger. 364 00:16:07,589 --> 00:16:11,221 Oh, right! I see. Good. 365 00:16:11,222 --> 00:16:13,989 I thought it was about having a lot of convicts. 366 00:16:15,823 --> 00:16:18,021 I was trying to say, Steve, 367 00:16:18,022 --> 00:16:19,789 that there are very few areas of me 368 00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:21,455 where you can go in safety. 369 00:16:21,456 --> 00:16:22,889 Right, good. 370 00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:24,889 Very delicate way of putting it. 371 00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:26,555 Thank you. 372 00:16:26,556 --> 00:16:29,722 You mean I can visit your Sydney or your Melbourne... 373 00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:30,921 Exactly. 374 00:16:30,922 --> 00:16:33,356 But I'm not welcome in your bush. 375 00:16:37,055 --> 00:16:40,021 I think I'll... Probably just go. 376 00:16:40,022 --> 00:16:41,656 I think you probably will. 377 00:16:44,556 --> 00:16:46,455 Oh, by the way. What? 378 00:16:46,456 --> 00:16:49,655 You're not in the least bit big-boned. 379 00:16:49,656 --> 00:16:51,455 You're fine. 380 00:16:51,456 --> 00:16:55,022 You look great, really. 381 00:16:56,389 --> 00:16:57,890 Thank you. 382 00:17:00,089 --> 00:17:02,388 Steve... Hmm? 383 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,455 Do you mean that? I'm sorry? 384 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,688 I'm asking... 385 00:17:06,689 --> 00:17:08,488 Do you mean that? 386 00:17:08,489 --> 00:17:11,988 Do you really find me attractive? 387 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,756 Sally? 388 00:17:25,089 --> 00:17:26,688 Sorry about this. 389 00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:28,988 My boyfriend's really let me down. 390 00:17:28,989 --> 00:17:31,155 Don't worry, we're open till ten. 391 00:17:31,156 --> 00:17:32,156 Pity. 392 00:17:32,157 --> 00:17:33,588 Pity? 393 00:17:33,589 --> 00:17:36,388 Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend? 394 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:40,089 Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery. 395 00:17:41,122 --> 00:17:42,955 Ha ha ha ha! 396 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,221 I like women with a sense of humor. 397 00:17:47,222 --> 00:17:48,655 You'll attract them. 398 00:17:48,656 --> 00:17:50,423 Okay. 399 00:17:53,723 --> 00:17:55,388 Is this the one? 400 00:17:55,389 --> 00:17:56,756 I think so. 401 00:17:59,055 --> 00:18:00,388 Sally's there. 402 00:18:00,389 --> 00:18:01,889 Steve: Yeah, I know. 403 00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:03,155 With her ass. 404 00:18:03,156 --> 00:18:06,355 It'd be quite scary if she'd left it at home. 405 00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:07,622 You don't understand. 406 00:18:07,623 --> 00:18:10,655 I can't look at her without imagining her ass now! 407 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,588 It's like it's transmitting... 408 00:18:12,589 --> 00:18:14,188 I'll look at her face, and I'll get ass! 409 00:18:14,189 --> 00:18:16,455 It was me that saw it! Me, not you! 410 00:18:16,456 --> 00:18:18,855 I know, but it's out there now. 411 00:18:18,856 --> 00:18:20,588 You released it, Steve. 412 00:18:20,589 --> 00:18:23,054 Sally's ass has tasted freedom, 413 00:18:23,055 --> 00:18:24,856 and it's never going back. 414 00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:27,321 Steve, hi. 415 00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:29,488 Hi. 416 00:18:29,489 --> 00:18:31,322 I thought you weren't coming. 417 00:18:37,723 --> 00:18:39,189 What do you think of this? 418 00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:44,289 What is it? 419 00:18:45,322 --> 00:18:47,322 It's a suede cushion. 420 00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:50,488 Well, I'll need a little more time. 421 00:18:50,489 --> 00:18:52,221 Okay. 422 00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:53,422 Did you bring the pattern book? 423 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,689 Yeah, absolutely. Here it is. 424 00:18:56,922 --> 00:18:58,255 Any opinions? 425 00:18:58,256 --> 00:19:00,655 Um....Uh.... 426 00:19:00,656 --> 00:19:03,755 We have other fabrics. Would you like to see them? 427 00:19:03,756 --> 00:19:07,954 Oh! Do you have anything with... Spots? No. 428 00:19:07,955 --> 00:19:09,954 Because actually, 429 00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:13,221 I'm, uh, undecided when it comes to spots. 430 00:19:13,222 --> 00:19:16,489 Well, I'm sorry we're going to have to miss out on that. 431 00:19:22,423 --> 00:19:24,255 Why are you staring at my face? 432 00:19:24,256 --> 00:19:27,256 I'm not, I'm not. I'm staring at your face. 433 00:19:29,089 --> 00:19:30,289 What?! 434 00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:36,688 Okay, so after a whole week you haven't actually managed 435 00:19:36,689 --> 00:19:39,188 to have a single opinion, have you? 436 00:19:39,189 --> 00:19:41,688 Um... About that number, yes. 437 00:19:41,689 --> 00:19:45,088 Okay. Fine. No problem. 438 00:19:45,089 --> 00:19:47,455 Um, can everyone just come 439 00:19:47,456 --> 00:19:50,856 and have a look at this sofa, please? 440 00:19:54,756 --> 00:19:58,355 This is the sofa we're thinking of buying, 441 00:19:58,356 --> 00:20:01,355 and what we've gotta do is choose a covering. 442 00:20:01,356 --> 00:20:03,921 I'm gonna show you my favorites. 443 00:20:03,922 --> 00:20:06,121 Anyone scared so far? 444 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,321 I'm scared. 445 00:20:08,322 --> 00:20:10,954 You're always scared, Jeff, you don't count. 446 00:20:10,955 --> 00:20:12,355 Right. 447 00:20:12,356 --> 00:20:15,356 I want to know what you really think. 448 00:20:29,856 --> 00:20:32,655 You've seen my best friend naked. 449 00:20:32,656 --> 00:20:36,121 Nnnn... I've... I've seen your best friend... 450 00:20:36,122 --> 00:20:37,288 Naked. 451 00:20:37,289 --> 00:20:38,356 Oh. 452 00:20:39,856 --> 00:20:41,890 Your boyfriend's seen me naked. 453 00:20:43,256 --> 00:20:44,922 Cleft. 454 00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:49,556 Let's all talk about me! 455 00:20:51,022 --> 00:20:54,455 I wonder how my bottom actually looked. 456 00:20:54,456 --> 00:20:59,790 Buttocks. Gusset. Bicycle saddle. 457 00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:07,655 Me, me, me, 458 00:21:07,656 --> 00:21:11,489 me... Me! 459 00:21:13,489 --> 00:21:16,122 I have an enormous penis. 460 00:21:17,689 --> 00:21:20,722 Actually, I've got a bigger penis. 461 00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:22,221 By far. 462 00:21:22,222 --> 00:21:25,422 Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast. 463 00:21:25,423 --> 00:21:27,455 Look, I'm... I'm... 464 00:21:27,456 --> 00:21:30,255 Massively well-endowed. 465 00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,355 I'm the manager here, 466 00:21:32,356 --> 00:21:36,889 so my penis is like an enormous train. 467 00:21:36,890 --> 00:21:39,188 With gigantic... 468 00:21:39,189 --> 00:21:40,623 Oh, for god's sake! 469 00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:45,422 Can you please just be honest with me? 470 00:21:45,423 --> 00:21:47,221 About what? Anything! 471 00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:48,822 The fabric thing? 472 00:21:48,823 --> 00:21:50,488 Anything at all. 473 00:21:50,489 --> 00:21:54,054 Just give me some evidence of sentient activity, 474 00:21:54,055 --> 00:21:56,121 instead of just standing there 475 00:21:56,122 --> 00:21:58,522 waiting for something else to be indecisive about. 476 00:21:58,523 --> 00:22:00,121 Are you all right? 477 00:22:00,122 --> 00:22:02,054 What's wrong, Susan? 478 00:22:02,055 --> 00:22:03,921 Cleft? 479 00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:07,055 I mean... sorry. 480 00:22:08,623 --> 00:22:10,488 What do you expect? 481 00:22:10,489 --> 00:22:13,054 You bring me to a place like this... 482 00:22:13,055 --> 00:22:15,488 I can't have opinions in a place like this! 483 00:22:15,489 --> 00:22:18,422 I just have to fake opinions to stop you getting cross. 484 00:22:18,423 --> 00:22:19,722 Don't be ridiculous. 485 00:22:19,723 --> 00:22:21,021 Okay, okay... 486 00:22:21,022 --> 00:22:23,054 I'll show you. 487 00:22:23,055 --> 00:22:27,054 What is this? It's a cushion. 488 00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:30,155 Right. Yes. It's a cushion. 489 00:22:30,156 --> 00:22:31,555 Thank you for that... Very informative. 490 00:22:31,556 --> 00:22:33,755 Have you got any of these? No. 491 00:22:33,756 --> 00:22:35,188 Of course you haven't. 492 00:22:35,189 --> 00:22:37,722 You... are you married? Living with anyone? No. 493 00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,755 Got any of these? No. 494 00:22:39,756 --> 00:22:41,221 Of course not! 495 00:22:41,222 --> 00:22:42,954 You bring these things into our homes... 496 00:22:42,955 --> 00:22:45,054 They sit on our chairs. 497 00:22:45,055 --> 00:22:47,021 They watch our televisions. 498 00:22:47,022 --> 00:22:49,488 Now, I just need to know... 499 00:22:49,489 --> 00:22:51,321 On behalf of all men everywhere, 500 00:22:51,322 --> 00:22:54,455 I just need to ask, please... 501 00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:57,121 What are they for?! 502 00:22:57,122 --> 00:22:59,155 I mean, look at them... 503 00:22:59,156 --> 00:23:01,021 Look at the chubby little bastards 504 00:23:01,022 --> 00:23:03,054 just sitting around everywhere... 505 00:23:03,055 --> 00:23:06,488 What are they... Pets for chairs? 506 00:23:06,489 --> 00:23:08,388 Come on... you sell them, what are they for? 507 00:23:08,389 --> 00:23:10,388 Well... 508 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,588 You sit on them. 509 00:23:11,589 --> 00:23:14,255 Ah! Ha ha ha! That's where you're wrong. 510 00:23:14,256 --> 00:23:15,855 Nobody sits on them. 511 00:23:15,856 --> 00:23:17,555 Watch this. 512 00:23:17,556 --> 00:23:20,155 Here's the cushion, I'm putting it on the sofa. 513 00:23:20,156 --> 00:23:21,156 Now watch me... 514 00:23:21,157 --> 00:23:22,321 I'm sitting down, 515 00:23:22,322 --> 00:23:24,688 and what do I do on my final approach? 516 00:23:24,689 --> 00:23:26,221 I... oh!... Move the cushion. 517 00:23:26,222 --> 00:23:29,422 D'ya see? It's not involved! 518 00:23:29,423 --> 00:23:32,889 It's not part of the whole sitting process, 519 00:23:32,890 --> 00:23:36,455 it just lies there... It's fat litter! 520 00:23:36,456 --> 00:23:38,388 It's a sofa parasite! 521 00:23:38,389 --> 00:23:41,622 It's, you know... Padding. 522 00:23:41,623 --> 00:23:43,054 Oh, padding. 523 00:23:43,055 --> 00:23:44,388 Now, that's interesting. 524 00:23:44,389 --> 00:23:45,954 See, I like padding. 525 00:23:45,955 --> 00:23:49,889 If I was, say, an American football player, 526 00:23:49,890 --> 00:23:51,954 all those big bastards running at me, 527 00:23:51,955 --> 00:23:53,255 I would say, 528 00:23:53,256 --> 00:23:54,822 "give me some of that padding, and be quick about it." 529 00:23:54,823 --> 00:23:58,789 If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, 530 00:23:58,790 --> 00:24:02,488 I would say, "in view of those jagged rocks down there, 531 00:24:02,489 --> 00:24:04,655 I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." 532 00:24:04,656 --> 00:24:06,288 But Susan, Sally, Jane... 533 00:24:06,289 --> 00:24:08,722 This is a sofa. 534 00:24:08,723 --> 00:24:11,688 It is designed by clever scientists 535 00:24:11,689 --> 00:24:14,954 in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user 536 00:24:14,955 --> 00:24:18,622 from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, 537 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:21,622 and, of course... 538 00:24:21,623 --> 00:24:23,255 Daleks. 539 00:24:23,256 --> 00:24:26,855 Trust me girls, trust me on this one... 540 00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:30,889 You do not need padding to tackle upholstery. 541 00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:33,255 So please... Once and for all, 542 00:24:33,256 --> 00:24:35,121 tell me why on earth 543 00:24:35,122 --> 00:24:37,622 you would want me to sit on one of these! 544 00:24:37,623 --> 00:24:41,221 Because if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, 545 00:24:41,222 --> 00:24:42,922 it might stop you talking! 546 00:24:46,389 --> 00:24:48,221 I saw Sally naked. 547 00:24:48,222 --> 00:24:49,389 I know. 548 00:24:51,222 --> 00:24:53,388 It was an accident... So what? 549 00:24:53,389 --> 00:24:56,155 Oh, right! Of course. 550 00:24:56,156 --> 00:24:57,822 And that's all there is to it, right? 551 00:24:57,823 --> 00:24:59,889 It's just a stupid mistake. 552 00:24:59,890 --> 00:25:02,188 Absolutely. 'Course it is. 553 00:25:02,189 --> 00:25:04,555 Nothing more to it. Why would there be? 554 00:25:04,556 --> 00:25:06,321 Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! 555 00:25:06,322 --> 00:25:09,722 The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh. 556 00:25:09,723 --> 00:25:12,122 Jeff works in my office, remember? 557 00:25:16,156 --> 00:25:18,321 Oh, right. 558 00:25:18,322 --> 00:25:19,755 Um... 559 00:25:19,756 --> 00:25:21,822 Susan, there's just 560 00:25:21,823 --> 00:25:24,622 a little bit... 561 00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:26,256 More. 562 00:25:29,922 --> 00:25:31,422 Sally? 563 00:25:31,423 --> 00:25:34,789 This is probably a bad idea. 564 00:25:34,790 --> 00:25:36,890 What is? 565 00:25:44,456 --> 00:25:46,455 Well... 566 00:25:46,456 --> 00:25:47,922 What do you think? 567 00:25:51,922 --> 00:25:53,689 We're not in Sydney anymore. 568 00:25:54,723 --> 00:25:58,155 Come on... Am I attractive? 569 00:25:58,156 --> 00:26:00,021 Well... yes. 570 00:26:00,022 --> 00:26:01,488 Am I having an effect on you? 571 00:26:01,489 --> 00:26:04,422 Yes. Absolutely. How much of an effect? 572 00:26:04,423 --> 00:26:06,021 For god's sake, what do you want me to do... 573 00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,288 Measure it? 574 00:26:07,289 --> 00:26:10,488 There's nothing here that a man would find... 575 00:26:10,489 --> 00:26:12,054 Repulsive? 576 00:26:12,055 --> 00:26:13,355 Of course not! 577 00:26:13,356 --> 00:26:14,722 Then why are you looking so frightened? 578 00:26:14,723 --> 00:26:16,722 Because you're Sally! 579 00:26:16,723 --> 00:26:20,021 Because the next time I see you I'll be thinking of you naked! 580 00:26:20,022 --> 00:26:22,988 It'll be like meeting Jenny agutter. 581 00:26:22,989 --> 00:26:24,755 Jenny agutter? 582 00:26:24,756 --> 00:26:26,889 Imagine meeting Jenny agutter... 583 00:26:26,890 --> 00:26:28,622 It'd be just, "seen that," 584 00:26:28,623 --> 00:26:30,321 "seen that." 585 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:34,422 Jenny agutter will do just fine! 586 00:26:34,423 --> 00:26:36,322 Thank you. 587 00:26:40,189 --> 00:26:42,288 'Bye now. What? 588 00:26:42,289 --> 00:26:45,855 Would you mind? I've got no clothes on. 589 00:26:45,856 --> 00:26:48,689 Oh, right. Yes. 590 00:26:50,423 --> 00:26:52,656 ( Door slams shut ) 591 00:26:57,790 --> 00:26:59,555 Why? Why did you do that? 592 00:26:59,556 --> 00:27:01,388 Actually, yes... 593 00:27:01,389 --> 00:27:02,722 Why? 594 00:27:02,723 --> 00:27:06,088 I was feeling a bit insecure, 595 00:27:06,089 --> 00:27:08,288 needed a bit of a boost. 596 00:27:08,289 --> 00:27:11,988 Sally... you flashed my boyfriend! 597 00:27:11,989 --> 00:27:15,022 The truth. Now. 598 00:27:23,055 --> 00:27:27,921 Well, pretty sure I'm still attractive, 599 00:27:27,922 --> 00:27:30,855 so.... 600 00:27:30,856 --> 00:27:33,389 I don't think it's my fault. 601 00:27:41,423 --> 00:27:43,088 I've never had a failure before. 602 00:27:43,089 --> 00:27:45,889 Well, neither have I. 603 00:27:45,890 --> 00:27:48,054 Never, ever. 604 00:27:48,055 --> 00:27:51,054 Maybe we shouldn't have been here for the first time. 605 00:27:51,055 --> 00:27:53,655 You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you? 606 00:27:53,656 --> 00:27:56,189 Oh, Patrick, of course not. 607 00:27:57,890 --> 00:28:00,855 You and Patrick!? 608 00:28:00,856 --> 00:28:02,488 When did... 609 00:28:02,489 --> 00:28:05,423 Patrick had a failure! 610 00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:10,322 It's like discovering there isn't a father Christmas! 611 00:28:13,623 --> 00:28:14,623 Patrick? 612 00:28:15,623 --> 00:28:17,088 I thought you were going home. 613 00:28:17,089 --> 00:28:18,789 I can't. 614 00:28:18,790 --> 00:28:21,790 It's my car... My big end's gone. 615 00:28:30,823 --> 00:28:33,988 ♪ If you can't make your mind up ♪ 616 00:28:33,989 --> 00:28:39,388 ♪ we'll never get started ♪ 617 00:28:39,389 --> 00:28:42,789 ♪ and I don't wanna wind up ♪ 618 00:28:42,790 --> 00:28:48,188 ♪ bein' parted, broken-hearted ♪ 619 00:28:48,189 --> 00:28:52,088 ♪ so if you really love me ♪ 620 00:28:52,089 --> 00:28:56,555 ♪ say yes, and please don't tell me ♪ 621 00:28:56,556 --> 00:28:59,890 ♪ perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ♪♪