1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,840 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,560 Welcome to This Time. 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,920 Jesus Christ. Well, we do need to hear viewers... 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,160 I am hopping mad, and I want something in the middle! 5 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,360 I don't like Julian Fellowes! Just don't like him! 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,800 Is it snowing where you are? 7 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:18,960 Do you like fireworks? 8 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,160 What's your favourite soup? 9 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,760 Who gives a shi...? 10 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,720 When I parted ways with the BBC, after delivering a few home truths, 11 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,680 people thought it was the end of the road. 12 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,320 They could not have been more wrong. 13 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:35,120 I'm Alan Partridge, and when I want a proper breakfast, I head down 14 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,840 to one of the six Hungry House pubs in the North Norfolk region. 15 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,200 For a limited time only, there's 20% off all breakfast items. 16 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,360 So that's steak, egg and chips, six-nine-nine. 17 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,480 Sausage, eggs and chips, five-nine-nine. 18 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,440 Gammon, egg and chips, four-nine-nine. 19 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,000 Gammon and egg, three-nine-nine. 20 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,720 Egg and chips, two-nine-nine. 21 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,320 Here I am lending my voice to Hungry House pubs, 22 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,440 in exchange for a hefty fee plus VIP card 23 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,760 entitling the bearer to a free breakfast for him and four friends. 24 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,280 We've got Carling, four-nine-nine, Carlsberg, four-nine-nine, 25 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,440 Fosters, four-nine-nine, Strongbow, four-nine-nine, 26 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,200 John Smith's, four-nine-eight, 27 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,600 and special offer just this week, Carlsberg, wine AND eggs, 28 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,000 for an unbeatable nine-nine-nine. 29 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,560 Whether you like them scrambled, poached, fried, boiled, 30 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:17,840 broiled, coddled, or runny, 31 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,840 get there before 8.00am and you can get an extra egg free 32 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,680 worth nine-nine. The early bird gets the egg! 33 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,840 Good? Happy? Great! 34 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,240 Although better known as a TV presenter, 35 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,560 I don't actually do that any more, but find a steady stream 36 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,720 of Norfolk-based corporate work just as fulfilling. 37 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,960 That's one of the most information-laden scripts 38 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,680 I've read in quite some time, so pass the best on to the copywriter, 39 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,640 he's got a great future ahead of him. Yes, he has, yes. 40 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,360 Lots of information. Great energy to it. 41 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,560 So, as you can see, life is good. 42 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,600 Shouldn't it be, "The early bird gets the worm"? 43 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,280 Or, "The early bird LAYS the egg." 44 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,200 Yes, I was thinking that, but not our problem. 45 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,320 It's not our problem, you're right... 46 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,680 And yet something is bothering me. 47 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,560 Allow me to explain. 48 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,920 Britain is being pursued by an invisible enemy 49 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,280 from which there is no escape. 50 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,680 Like a bad dream, it's as if we're running in slow motion, 51 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:18,160 even though we can actually run quite fast. 52 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:23,320 No-one is safe from the invisible monster they call mental health. 53 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,920 OVERLAPPING VOICES: Stress is weighing you down... 54 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,480 You're troubled by anxiety... 55 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:29,720 Always in a mood. 56 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:30,920 It's unbelievable! 57 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,880 For many of us, mental health is as far down the agenda 58 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:38,520 as the whole sex change debate, but Britain is in crisis. 59 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,920 Without swift action, our minds will... 60 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,480 Egg. 61 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,280 ..implode, and yet no-one has done anything about it... 62 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:58,560 ..until now. 63 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,240 Which is why... Ow! 64 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,200 ..in Britain's first-ever documentary about mental health... 65 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,240 Mental health. 66 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,280 ..I'm stopping... 67 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,360 Go! 68 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:13,000 ..crouching down, and asking, "How are you? It's Alan Partridge." 69 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,320 In association with Flench & Son Tanning Centres, 70 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,400 for a different kind of brown. 71 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,200 So why me, and why now? 72 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,280 Promoting mental health might not be cool or trendy, 73 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:31,160 but I happen to believe in using my platform to help others. 74 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,880 A staunch ally of the persecuted, I champion women, 75 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,240 and genuinely believe that black lives matter. 76 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,520 Only declining to take the knee on the advice of my physio... 77 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,160 ..and all of my friends. 78 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,640 Right back behind the barrier. 79 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,440 And I support other minorities too, 80 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:50,080 by volunteering at a local fox hunt for Sir Robert Peverel. 81 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,360 It's not a public right of way, it is a permissive walkway. 82 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,000 The only reason you're allowed here is because Sir Robert has kindly 83 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,680 allowed you. What, is he a mate of yours? No, I've never met him. 84 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:58,720 So what are you bigging him up for? 85 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,760 Let the horses and hounds through, please. 86 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,720 Because fox hunters are a minority too, 87 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,680 whose religion is to stop foxes murdering chickens 88 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,440 by using dogs to murder foxes. 89 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,960 Where's your TV career? It's... 90 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,440 HE STAMMERS 91 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,680 Behind the barriers, please. 92 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,160 And there'll be those who carp and criticise, 93 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,440 saying a man like me has no business discussing mental health. 94 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,480 I mean, sure, on the face of it my life is pretty great. 95 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,560 I've got a large house, good local name recognition, 96 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,880 and my partner Katrina is one of the fittest women over 40 in Norfolk. 97 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,640 As seen here in this photoshoot for Norfolk Life Magazine. 98 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,360 And yet even I am not immune. 99 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,080 Scratch beneath my surface and the picture changes. 100 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:44,360 Today, bravely, I can reveal that I too have mental health problems. 101 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,120 Problems that erupted six months ago 102 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,200 in the most public forum imaginable. 103 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,360 For four years, it's been my honour to host the annual sales event 104 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,760 of the most revered name in Norfolk agribusiness. 105 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,920 REVERB-TREATED VOICE: Imagine the future now. 106 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,760 Imagine a new horizon. 107 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:04,960 One that dares to ask, 108 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:09,200 "Are we giving our animals the nourishment they deserve?" 109 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,360 Welcome to Bannroyd Pig and Cow Feed. 110 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,880 Yeah! Come on! Come on! 111 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,880 SOME APPLAUSE 112 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,160 In the world of high-volume feed pellets, 113 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,160 these guys are the best of the best. 114 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,480 ..enhancing overall carcass quality. 115 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,240 No pigs grow bigger than Bannroyd pigs. 116 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:29,240 Conventional feed introduces nitrogen in an animal's waste, 117 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,400 poisoning our soil. 118 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,400 But what if amino acids could be introduced? 119 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,800 Sorry, can I just stop you there for a second? 120 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,640 Is anyone here actually deaf? 121 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:38,960 Yeah, I mean, it's pretty... 122 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,400 Yeah, it's... As I thought. 123 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,480 Thank you, but go. 124 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:45,000 Reaching a live audience of 100, and an online audience of thousands, 125 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,240 it is one of the most illustrious presenting opportunities 126 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,840 in UK media. 127 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,800 Claire, if your father could see you now, 128 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,800 as you pledge to phase out completely the feeding 129 00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:00,680 of animals to other animals by 2065, he would be proud of you. 130 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,560 This woman! This woman! 131 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,240 She makes butchers happy. 132 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,600 And as I began the event's set piece interview... 133 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,600 What a year in store for Bannroyd. 134 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,200 ..it was clear I was doing my job well... 135 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,040 When I hear about how excited the management team are, 136 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,400 it's infectious. 137 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,080 And I don't mean like foot and mouth or BSE, 138 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:25,480 but certainly a kind of bird flu of enthusiasm. 139 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,040 ..until out of the blue, I fainted... 140 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,040 Alan? 141 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,040 ..twice. 142 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,080 Within hours, I'd become a figure of fun, 143 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,640 with a Thai YouTuber even referring to me as Ladylapfaintman. 144 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,080 I was told by a St John's Ambulance man, 145 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,200 who was well below average height, that it was low blood sugar, 146 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,640 and in my confusion, I found myself going along with the little fella. 147 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,760 I only had one Weetabix this morning. 148 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,400 But as the days went by, something began to dawn on me - 149 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,720 I HAD eaten breakfast that day. 150 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,920 I'd had bacon, bread and beans, and butter, 151 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,520 and having recently passed a medical exam at a canoeing centre 152 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,320 with flying colours, I knew I was in good shape. 153 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:07,040 There was only one plausible explanation - 154 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,000 I had a mental health problem. 155 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,040 My mind is not feeling very well. 156 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,160 The stinging nettle - 157 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,600 a reminder that whilst some baulk at the idea of us confronting 158 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,080 our mental health crisis, others believe we need to be bolder. 159 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,240 For, like the nettle, if we brush lightly against it, 160 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,680 we're liable to get stung. 161 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,040 But if we have the courage to grasp the nettle... Urgh! 162 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,080 ..then we'll all be better off. 163 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:36,040 And I intend to start by grasping the stingiest nettle of all 164 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,840 as I ask how big is the UK's mental health crisis? 165 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,560 And where better to start than on the streets of the only city 166 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,040 I love more than Dubai? 167 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,200 It's Norwich. 168 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,640 Are we rolling? 169 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,280 Oh, hello, ladies. Can I ask you a question? Are you happy? 170 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,600 Very happy, thank you. 171 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:52,880 Right. And are you happy? 172 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,520 Yeah, I think so. And are you happy? I know you. 173 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,760 We were at school together. 174 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,360 I'm not sure about that. 175 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,080 I was in the year above you. 176 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,120 I don't... And you asked me out. 177 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,320 No, I didn't. I wouldn't ask you out. 178 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,160 Do you know? I've a good mind to say yes this time. 179 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,400 HE STAMMERS 180 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,440 I never asked you out. 181 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,600 Oh, but to answer your question, yes, I'm quite happy. 182 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,000 I've just got a brand-new granddaughter. 183 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,480 Great. She keeps me busy. 184 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,640 I'm sure she does. I mean, it keeps your occupied in your retirement. 185 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,920 Yeah, it does. 186 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,720 I never asked you out. Thanks... 187 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,960 And yet I wasn't sure these women were telling the truth 188 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,200 about being happy... 189 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,440 I didn't ask you out. 190 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,320 ..because, as these "tastistics" clearly show, 191 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,200 mental health problems are on the rise. 192 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,720 Plus, we already know that she lied about me asking her out. 193 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,320 Instead, I'm off to the other side of Norwich, where, 194 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,440 having cancelled an ear de-waxing appointment, 195 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,040 I'm going to hear the views of another group of people. 196 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,160 Express your opinions openly. It should be fun. 197 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,080 I host focus groups every few weeks. 198 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,240 Be rude if you want to be rude. 199 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:55,320 It's both a favour to my friend Max, who runs Inquisimax Market Research, 200 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,760 and a fascinating window into the minds of the kind of people 201 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,880 who happily eat £2 ready meals. 202 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,880 Janice, I know you're dying to say something. 203 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,720 Yeah, you see, for me, a carton that size, I'd want, 204 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,280 oh, six or seven chunks of chicken at least. 205 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:11,840 Yeah. Mm. I mean, I had three. 206 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,080 Three?! I mean, three chunks of chicken in a chicken korma 207 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,920 isn't really acceptable. Yeah, no, I'll tell them. 208 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,480 And you can tell 'em that. I just said I would. 209 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:23,400 So far, we have, "too salty," "needs salt," "would eat again," 210 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,120 "microwave broken, ate cold," 211 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:32,240 and Janice, yours...simply, simply, "more chunks." 212 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,480 But today, I'm not just here for the curry. 213 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,360 It's time to talk mental health. 214 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,040 Erm, I want to park that for a second. 215 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,600 New topic to ponder - mental health. 216 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,520 Does anyone here ever feel sad, despondent...? 217 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,720 Just to go back to that chicken korma just for a minute, though, 218 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,600 I do actually have one more bit of feedback... 219 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,640 I consider it a privilege to hear the views of ordinary people, 220 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,800 whether about a subject you've already moved on from, 221 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,400 or the one you've just asked about. 222 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,960 And from the latter group, there are some notable observations. 223 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:12,680 So, anyone got any other ideas, apart from Janice, 224 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,760 about how we might assuage those negative feelings? 225 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,680 Colin? Makes me want a drink. 226 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,160 What's brought this on? 227 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,360 It's too salty. 228 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,080 Still talking about the ready meals? Yeah. Yeah, no, we've moved on. 229 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,840 We're talking about mental health now. 230 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,560 OK, how do we feel now? Are there any useful takeaways? 231 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,120 The Kebab Shack in the high street. 232 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,840 No, I mean about what we've been discussing. 233 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,160 You've got to learn to cook for yourself, Janice. Buy a pan. 234 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,280 How ARE you? 235 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,960 I put this in the larder. 236 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,160 Leave it. It's porcelain. 237 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,920 It's porcelain? It's cheap glazed clay made by Chinese children. 238 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,520 Next morning with my assistant, 239 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,880 and we take stock of what my programme is trying to achieve, 240 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,960 although she has no editorial input whatsoever, 241 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,120 and is content to only join in nonverbally. 242 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,960 I'm very excited about the, erm, 243 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,120 this documentary, because mental health, I mean, 244 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:08,240 if I can use an outdated, outmoded term, it's just gone mental. 245 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,280 Mm-hm. 246 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,120 But in my quest to understand the scale of the mental health crisis, 247 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,760 I'm off to spend time among a group who suffer from it more than most. 248 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,920 It's funny, most presenters would run a mile if you asked them 249 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,280 to visit the homeless, which I think is how Sport Relief started. 250 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,920 Yet I'm volunteering at a local soup kitchen to see up close, 251 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,840 from behind a counter, what life is like for those who live free-range. 252 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,640 Five years ago, I agreed to help out one evening a month 253 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,880 at this soup kitchen. 254 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,000 And whilst I've had to cancel on each occasion, 255 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,720 due to unforeseen circumstances, 256 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,440 I send along my assistant instead, and I do so free of charge. 257 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,280 The homeless get a warm feeling from the soup, 258 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,240 I get a warm feeling from having seconded my assistant, 259 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,040 and I dare say she gets something from it too. 260 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,160 Have you come far? 261 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,520 And so, after putting on an apron using the spin, tuck, and tie 262 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,360 technique favoured by both the US Army Catering Corps 263 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,160 and horrible Gregg Wallace, it was down to work. 264 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,560 You homeless? 265 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,520 Have some soup. 266 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,640 You homeless? 267 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,760 Have some soup. 268 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,840 DOUBTFULLY: Are you homeless? 269 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,960 A little bit of soup. 270 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,120 What are you doing? Yeah, I'm just trying to weed out the blaggers. 271 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,640 You can just serve the soup. 272 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,440 Yeah, I mean, I saw a guy over there in a North Face jacket. 273 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,320 Yeah, but he could've got it from a charity shop. Open your eyes, mate. 274 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,840 Jews believe chicken soup can cure depression, and so I was 275 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,840 as keen as anyone to get soup, albeit not chicken, to these men, 276 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,480 even though my last experience cooking in front of the cameras 277 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,320 on a reality TV show had really upset me. 278 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,200 Where is the chicken? How long is the chicken? 279 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,880 20 inches. 280 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,240 The time! How long is the chicken? 281 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,920 Oh, two... Two minutes. 282 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,720 There's no dill on it. Alan, there's no dill on these. 283 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,160 Forgot what dill looks like. 284 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,880 Where is the dill? I've forgotten what dill looks like! 285 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,880 So what better place to get back on the horse than in this kitchen? 286 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,440 Every night, the people who eat here leave warm, content, 287 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,600 and full of soup. 288 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,520 But the soup isn't going to win any awards, 289 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,320 unless there's an award for largest amount of soup. 290 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,600 My ex-wife used to punish me using food. 291 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,520 She'd make her feelings known by serving me soup and a glass of water 292 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,360 instead of chicken and wine. 293 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,200 And this soup reminds me of her punishment soup. 294 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,520 But here's a trick that can really lift the soup. 295 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,480 Pour in two pints of milk, 296 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:38,560 and then crumble in three Oxo-style chicken cubes. 297 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,800 Hey presto, you've got cream of chicken soup, or near as damn it. 298 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,720 Add a bit of crunch, peanuts. 299 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,680 Bash them to bits while they're still in the bag. 300 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,920 Use anything. A rolling pin, the nearest hammer. 301 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,120 If you've got a tramp's shoe, use that. 302 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:56,720 Add that in, give it a stir, hey presto again, 303 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,400 now you've got cream of chicken pad Thai-style soup. 304 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,960 Karl, come here, taste this. 305 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,240 Mm! Mm, that's good. I like that. 306 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,400 Mm. 307 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,720 Is that peanut? 308 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,880 Right, has anyone got a peanut allergy? 309 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,080 I do. 310 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,480 Right, you can't have any soup. 311 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,320 Yeah. I mean, you're welcome to stay, 312 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,280 but you must not have any of this soup. 313 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:21,360 Erm... 314 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,680 ..yeah, you can help yourself to a banana sandwich. 315 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:30,360 You can have two slices, and we'll allow you a fork to mash the 'nana. 316 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,760 I mean, there's another soup kitchen in Ipswich. 317 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,920 Have you got a ca...? No, no. 318 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:40,760 If you run, I mean, it's about 45 minutes, but I'd go now. 319 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,320 In fact, you... Leave, leave now. 320 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,760 Leave right now. 321 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,280 How ARE you? 322 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,560 How are you? 323 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,760 It's the next morning, and I'm relaxing at my 324 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,520 health and racquets club with the woman I love. 325 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,240 Mine! No, mine! OK! 326 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,640 We make a good team. 327 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,600 I'm a laid-back easy-osey kind of guy... 328 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,120 Mine! No, mine! OK! 329 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,040 ..whereas she has a Latin temperament, 330 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,400 even though she's from Cheshire. 331 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,360 Sorry. Sorry. 332 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,000 But what she doesn't suffer from are mental problems, 333 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,840 in her view, because she's not feeble. 334 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,840 Mine! No, mine! OK! 335 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,240 Out in the wider world, though, it was becoming clear that 336 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,440 the problem is rampant, and finding ways to de-stress is crucial. 337 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:22,440 Me? I like to come to Norwich Market, to finger its fresh produce, 338 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,520 wander its alleyways or, today, 339 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,480 buy costumes for an Irish friend's fancy dress party. 340 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,560 How much for two balaclavas? 341 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,600 They're the IRA ones. 342 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,120 I often think if everywhere had a Norwich Market, 343 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,160 there'd be a damn sight fewer mad people. 344 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,120 You're listening to North Norfolk Digital. 345 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,160 Yeah. I used to be on this station. 346 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,120 It's Carl Branning now. Yeah. This was my show, actually. 347 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,600 And his sidekick, Simon Denton, he was my sidekick. 348 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,840 Oh. Carl's very good. 349 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,640 Oh, yeah. Very talented. 350 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,000 Got a lot of time for Carl. 351 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,640 I mean, he's had his personal issues, 352 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,160 but never exposed himself on webcam to ME. 353 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,400 That's delicious. He's very entertaining. 354 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,600 Mm. Yeah. 355 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,840 Yeah, got his penis out. 356 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,520 Very smoky. 357 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,440 I'd had a wonderful morning at a wonderful market. 358 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,000 All right, Rupert? 359 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,960 Rupert? It's Alan. Alan Partridge. 360 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,640 You're confusing me with someone else. 361 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,880 If we are suffering from a mental health epidemic, 362 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,040 it ain't round here. 363 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,840 Lynn, how quickly can you get to Norwich Market? 364 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,080 I don't know how it happened. HE SIGHS 365 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,640 I've accidentally dressed like Rupert the Bear. 366 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,760 Of course, there's nothing wrong with looking like what, for me, 367 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,680 is the best British cartoon bear. 368 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,240 Because, while Paddington's an illegal immigrant, 369 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,520 and Winnie-the-Pooh wears a T-shirt but no underpants, 370 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,080 which raises obvious safeguarding concerns, 371 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,240 Rupert simply looks like a West End actor. 372 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:49,320 Alan Partridge is proud to be associated with Rupert the Bear. 373 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,960 With Britain's mental health crisis so vast, 374 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,520 how can anyone hope to tackle the issue? 375 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,920 As I wandered my garden to record stock footage 376 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,280 that could be inserted at any point to cover voiceover, 377 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,640 I wondered if I should start closer to home. 378 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,400 Instead of asking the nation, "How are you?" 379 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,000 how about asking myself, "How are I? 380 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,960 "How am I?" 381 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:16,440 I like to come up here sometimes just to...decompress. 382 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,040 It's where I keep keepsakes, mementos, personal items, 383 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,600 which, after my death, will be donated to the National Archive. 384 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,200 There's...some soppy, daft stuff, really. 385 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,080 A picture there by my grandchildren. 386 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,200 Not very good, but they're good at maths. 387 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:37,840 That's a box of...containing letters between myself and my ex-wife Carol. 388 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,040 But, if you notice, I snapped the key off in the lock, 389 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,880 so I can't access it. 390 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,920 But nothing against Carol, just a toxic box. 391 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,640 This is a pay cheque, my first pay cheque from the BBC. 392 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,040 I won't let you see the amount, 393 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,320 but I do remember at the time thinking it was quite a lot 394 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:58,160 of money, because I was able to buy fish and chips for four people. 395 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,960 They bought their own drinks. 396 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,960 This is me and Sue Cook. 397 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,320 Me and Sue Cook's brother. 398 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,800 Oh, this is interesting, this is a showreel. 399 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:12,520 This is a collection of my voiceovers that I would send out 400 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,440 to people as a sort of calling card. 401 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,640 Just... 402 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,720 Not heard this for years. 403 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,720 MUSIC PLAYS 404 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:20,960 BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: Brian's Autos. 405 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,040 It's the finest garage in Dudley. 406 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,120 Brummie accent. 407 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,920 It's important to show your vocal range. 408 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,280 CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYS 409 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,560 JAMAICAN ACCENT: Get the taste of sunshine, man. 410 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,080 Albeit different times. 411 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,200 I'm not sure you'd get away with that now. 412 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,520 ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS 413 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,280 O-o-o-h! 414 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,600 TAPE STOPS 415 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,160 This is interesting. 416 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:48,280 This is the headset I wore when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital. 417 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,240 It's technically still their property, I think. 418 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,680 But, er, yeah, left under a bit of a cloud. 419 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,960 Not quite sure what happened. But, er... 420 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,800 It's new management, change of direction. 421 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:09,400 It's funny how putting on just a simple object like this 422 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,440 provokes so many emotions. 423 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,760 This is a good documentary. 424 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,480 As former DJ on North Norfolk Digital's Mid Morning Matters, 425 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,360 I was sounding board, listing post, and agony uncle 426 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,080 to the whole of the Norfolk region. 427 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,720 North Norfolk region. 428 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,680 And now time for something we call Rash Decision. 429 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,120 PRE-RECORDED: Rash Decision. 430 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,560 Your medical ailments answered. 431 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,360 Once again, Dr Andy can't be with us, 432 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,480 but please do keep sending in your pictures of rashes. 433 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,680 Simon and I both have access to Google Images 434 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,240 and will provide a layman's view of exactly what the ailment is. 435 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,920 And a reminder - our diagnoses have no medical basis. 436 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,960 Yes, indeed. Let's look at some rashes. 437 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,840 You're a first-aider. I am, indeed, sir. 438 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,720 But you haven't given first aid. No. 439 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,680 Even when that woman collapsed. 440 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,160 Do you think you were in shock? 441 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,480 I think I probably was. Yeah. Yeah. 442 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,360 First is from Heidi Trenth-am, or is it Tren-tam? 443 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,240 Trenth-am. Trenth-am Gardens. 444 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,760 Well, it's Tren-tam Gardens. Tren-tam Gardens. 445 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,000 So what are you saying? 446 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,160 Heidi... Does it matter? 447 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,760 No! 448 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,800 Er, Heidi Trentham has a foot rash. 449 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,640 It's raised, dry, scaly, wine-coloured. 450 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,480 She says it does itch. For this one, I thought psoriasis. 451 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,400 I thought psoriasis myself, or potentially eczema. 452 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,040 Yeah. Yeah, Heidi, you're going to need a cream of some sort. 453 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,240 I would pop down to Boots, show them your foot. 454 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,320 Get your boots off. Yeah, in Boots. 455 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,320 Which is why I said it. Ha-ha! Number five is Maureen Skipp. 456 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,800 Interesting rash. I thought it most resembled this one... 457 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,920 Yes. ..which would be a heat rash. 458 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,320 Although the raised hives tell me it could be an allergy. 459 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,520 Well spotted. 460 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:49,600 Much like the rash. Yeah. 461 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:54,880 Maureen, I'd say don't have milk or bread, er... 462 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,040 ..any more. Yeah. 463 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,320 Finally, number six, Geoff in Holt. 464 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,000 Big red circle. 465 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,600 Simon? Lyme disease. 466 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,560 And I've got the same. Got to be. 467 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,920 I'm proud of Rash Decision, 468 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,920 and should look back at my tenure fondly, 469 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,920 and yet my memories of North Norfolk Digital are dogged 470 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,560 by the souring of one important friendship. 471 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,920 I realise now I'll never be able to find mental peace 472 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,080 unless I do something about it. 473 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,600 Hello. What's your name? 474 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:20,880 Jo. Hello, Jo. 475 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,920 I borrowed a head mic for a school sports day, which I'm here to 476 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:28,080 return, and I'm here to see a friend of mine, Sidekick Simon. 477 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,560 Sidekick? 478 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,040 Simon Denton? 479 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,200 Oh, yeah, Simon. Yeah, he's on air right now. 480 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,160 Right. What did you call him? 481 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,600 Sidekick Simon. That was his name when we worked on the show together. 482 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,480 Oh, you used to work here? 483 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,760 Er, I was only the face and backbone of the station 484 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,640 for the best part of ten years. 485 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,600 And I in fact had a 1% stake holding in it, 486 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:55,880 which I sold for five grand, which I reinvested at a 20% stakeholding 487 00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:00,240 in a DVD rental company, which has since folded due to market forces. 488 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,240 If you work behind reception a station like NND, 489 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,640 probably a good idea to brush up on your history. 490 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,600 And who shall I say is here? 491 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,880 Me. 492 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,720 I'm going to need a name. 493 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,160 Alan Partridge. 494 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,160 Great. Could you just sign here, please? 495 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:17,880 Just going to grab a coffee. 496 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,600 Oh, if you just take a seat, someone will be round. 497 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:20,840 I'm just going to grab a coffee. 498 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,240 # Rupert, Rupert the Bear... # 499 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,200 These days, Simon sidekicks alongside Carl Branning. 500 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,720 This is CB Radio. 501 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,320 I've got a lot of time for Carl. 502 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,840 He's had his personal issues, 503 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,720 but away from train station bathrooms, he's a perfect gentleman. 504 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,880 Now it's time for Wrong Answers Only. Love this. 505 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,040 You ask the question, Simon gives the wrong answer. 506 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,520 Diane, you're on line one. 507 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,560 What does BMI stand for? 508 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,040 Bring me ice cream. 509 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,080 Love it. 510 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,120 Ice cream's two words. 511 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,480 Hailey, line four. 512 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:51,200 What Irish dancer was once named the best male dancer in the world? 513 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,760 Prince Andrew. 514 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,240 Oh, that was a bad answer. 515 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,920 He knows it. Look. 516 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,720 His throat will get dry. 517 00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,200 He'll dehydrate, see. 518 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,840 There you are, there he goes. 519 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,480 Yeah. His skin will get itchy now, watch. 520 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:04,760 There you go. 521 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,280 See? He knows when he's fucked up. 522 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,240 Quick swipe of the schnozz. 523 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,400 Textbook. 524 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,720 I barely recognise the place. So much has changed. 525 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,000 Look at that water cooler. 526 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,160 Blue Stream. 527 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,840 That used to be, erm... 528 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,800 ..Aquatic. Yeah. 529 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,560 SO much has changed! 530 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,160 That's a new flip chart. 531 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,560 Those CDs are new. 532 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:26,680 He didn't work here. 533 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,880 I did. Studios weren't down there. 534 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,160 Mine was... Mine's here. 535 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:32,520 What? 536 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,240 They turned my studios into a men's toilet. 537 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,960 There's a man in there taking a dump where I used to broadcast. 538 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,200 Not much has changed, then, has it? 539 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,120 Which is the joke I was about to make. 540 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,120 You didn't, though! Clever clogs. 541 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:48,120 I'll have you know, I won Leonard Cheshire Homes 542 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:52,560 Radio Companion of the Year 2017 and 2018, two years in a row, 543 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,600 first time anyone had done it outside of London. 544 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,600 Put that in your pipe and smoke it. 545 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,720 Now, come here and give us a half-hug, you bloody bugger. 546 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,480 Yeah, I loved what I heard, though. Yeah. 547 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,760 Yes, well, Mr Branning likes to keep the pace up. 548 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,440 Slightly less leisurely than back in our day, bit more peppy. 549 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,720 Do you not think peppy is more of a breakfast thing? 550 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,080 You know all that research that says retirees get a headache 551 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,880 before lunch and prefer the radio a bit more gentle. Right. 552 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,600 It was good to see my erstwhile sidekick again. 553 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,400 Good to see him back in fine fettle after a complete breakdown, 554 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,600 when his girlfriend moved to Coventry to study linguistics. 555 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,640 I was told you threw a brick at a swan. 556 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,240 Mm-hm, a goose. Goose. Yeah. 557 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,880 Yeah, I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything, 558 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,360 all you've got to do, pick up the phone, mate. 559 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:38,200 I know. It's that easy. I know. WhatsApp, FaceTime. 560 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,680 As long as it's not, you know, a landline before 6.00pm, 561 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,480 then we can talk till the cows come home. 562 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,160 Yeah, I know. 563 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,480 I know we can. 564 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,040 Yeah, you sit there. Sit yourself down, sir. 565 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,840 Sidekick Simon had been a moderately good broadcaster, 566 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,240 and an even better friend, 567 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,040 but our fruitful working relationship had gone mouldy. 568 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:01,640 In May 2022, after he ignored an amusing text message about a cat, 569 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,600 we broke friends. 570 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,720 Today, I want us to get things off our chest, to help us both, 571 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,600 but mainly me. 572 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,560 Memories. Yep. 573 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:14,680 Like the corner of my mind, misty water-coloured memories... 574 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,320 Barbra Streisand. Let me finish. 575 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,320 ..of the way we were. 576 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,000 Barbra Streisand. 577 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,200 How did we get from the way we were to the way we are? 578 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,320 Because we locked horns. Oh, God, yeah. 579 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,200 We were like two stags, weren't we, going at it? 580 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,680 Yeah, mm, and I think there are still troubled waters. 581 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,040 And we're going to build a bridge... 582 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,840 And IT'S TIME to build a bridge... 583 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,080 ..over troubled waters. 584 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,960 ..over troubled WATER. 585 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,760 Today, I'm going to invite you to try the "I feel" technique. 586 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,640 Oh, I think I know this. Let me explain it. 587 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,680 Erm, to avoid rancour, I might say to my milkman, 588 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,720 "When you clank bottles early in the morning, 589 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:56,200 "I feel uncared for sleep-wise," 590 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,240 and then he can respond in kind. 591 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,400 It's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique. 592 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,440 Yeah, no, I do know this. Do you? Yes. Yes. 593 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:05,920 It's like the guy on YouTube said - 594 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,520 "it's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique." 595 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:09,640 He even does that. Yeah. 596 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,680 Well, this... I read this in a book, so... Oh, did you? Mm, yeah. 597 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:16,160 OK. Which book? Cos I'm looking into self-help a bit as well. 598 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,000 It's by Dr Bristol. Dr Bristol... 599 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000 Sorry, Bridge. Dr Bristol. 600 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,280 Dr Bristol Bridge, in...who lives in Texas. 601 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,680 I...i...i...i... 602 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,640 In America. In America. Yeah, yeah. Right. 603 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,000 Shall I begin? Yes, I invite you to. 604 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:39,040 When you criticise me on air, I feel belittled. 605 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:45,520 Mm. When you complain about feedback, I feel hurt, 606 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,600 because I'm only trying to help you. 607 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,920 Right. Well, when you say feedback 608 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:55,000 but then reel off a lot of quibbles you have with me, I feel attacked. 609 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,040 Yeah. When you describe major flaws in your broadcasting 610 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,320 style as quibbles, I feel you're not taking the listener seriously. 611 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,760 When you talk about the listeners, 612 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,960 I feel like you're hiding behind them, in order to say 613 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,040 a lot of petty gripes that have been bothering you that day. 614 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:09,920 When you describe my gripes as petty, 615 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,840 I feel like you're being a dick, and it hurts my feelings. 616 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,680 When you call me a dick, I want to tell you to fuck off 617 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,760 and say that when you worked here, no-one at the station liked you. 618 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:22,640 When you use bad language and lie, 619 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,640 I feel like I shouldn't have given you the day off when your dad died. 620 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,760 Er, great, really useful technique. 621 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,800 Sort of keeps a lid of things emotionally, 622 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,520 but, you know, really good. It's constructive. 623 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:34,760 It gets the endorphins going. 624 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,000 Ooh, yes, gets them dolphins going. 625 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,400 Well, do you know what? Endorphins are a bit like them dolphins, 626 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,440 aren't they? 627 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,640 This is good banter. 628 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,880 They'll probably ask us to strike up the partnership, 629 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,400 recreate the old magic. Yeah. 630 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,120 Yeah? Why, has anyone said anything? 631 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,840 No. OK. No-one's said a word. 632 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,000 All right! 633 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,480 The human mind is a swirling mass of negativity, 634 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:58,400 besieged as we are by critics, bullies, and liars. 635 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,320 But today hope, for a journey that began in a woman's lap 636 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,840 has reached a watershed moment. 637 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,840 Like footage played backwards, I have begun to feel 638 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:11,960 long-held anxieties retreat and canter into the distance. 639 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,480 And, for the time being at least, 640 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,960 I am now the very picture of contentment. 641 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:18,560 So I'll ask you again. 642 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,200 How ARE you? 643 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,720 SOFT GROWL 644 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,000 # Rupert, Rupert the Bear 645 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,080 # Everyone sing his name 646 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:31,960 # Rupert, Rupert the Bear 647 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:36,120 # Everyone come and join 648 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,440 # In all of his games 649 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:42,880 # Rupert 650 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,960 # Rupert... #