噓
Shh!
誰會在自己的婚禮上致祝酒詞呢
Who gives a toast at her own wedding?
我是說 誰會那么做啊
I mean, who does that?
誰會站在舞廳中央
Who stands in the middle of a ballroom
往空空如也的胃里
after three glasses of champagne
灌下三杯香檳
on a completely empty stomach...
我是說 空得不能再空
and I mean completely empty
因為為了塞進這條裙子
because fitting into this dress
要整整三周不能吃固態食物
required no solid food for three straight weeks.
誰這么想不開
Who does that?
是我
I do.
今天是完美的一天
This day is perfect.
就像做夢一樣
It's like a dream...
如果你是我爸的話 那可能是個噩夢
or a nightmare if you're my father.
這些花多少錢
"How much for the flowers?"
誰會吃蘑菇啊
"Who eats mushroom caps?"
這些廚師到底知不知道
"Do the caterers have any idea
幾年前猶太人經歷了什么
what the Jews just went through a few years ago?"
指第二次世界大戰
兩個蛋糕 能吃一個
Two cakes, one for eating.
我們就很開心了
We're very happy.
這一天我們籌備了很久
This day has been long in planning.
認識我的人都知道我是怎么計劃的
Anyone who knows me knows I plan.
六歲時我就決定大學專業是俄羅斯文學
At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major.
十二歲時我找到了最適合我的發型
At 12 I found my signature haircut.
十三歲時 我宣布
At 13 I announced
我要去布林茅爾學院
I was going to Bryn Mawr College.
非常優秀的女子學院
就在凱瑟琳 赫本住過的宿舍
In Katharine Hepburn's old room.
從第一天起 我就知道
From Day 1 I knew
那是個令我心醉神迷的決定
that decision was a charmed one.
背景音樂 ? Teach Me Tonight
? 你可曾說過 ? ♪ Did you say ♪
? 我將漫步知識的海洋 ? ♪ I've got a lot to learn? ♪
首先 我的室友佩特拉人好又胖
First of all, my roommate Petra was friendly and fat,
這太好了 我們能一起吃飯
which was perfect. I'll have someone to eat with
又不怕她搶我男友
who won't steal my boyfriend.
聞起來真棒
It smells so good.
校園古老而優雅
The campus was old and elegant,
藤蔓爬滿墻 彩色玻璃窗
with ivy- covered buildings and stained glass windows
還
and...
印花的黃油
Monogrammed butter pats.
什么
What?
真是個令人著迷的地方
This was a magical place
有著漂亮的黃油
where butter was beautiful
而我將在此探尋宇宙的奧秘
and I would solve the mysteries of the universe
結識杰出的女性 志趣相投的人
and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits
她們將與我一同探尋這美麗新世界
who would explore this brave new world with me.
哦 天哪 痛死我了
Ooh! My God, it's burning.
本來就這樣 這是漂白劑
It's supposed to. It's bleach.
太可怕了 都怪你給我弄這個
It's awful. I hate you for this.
- 這是你的主意 - 再也不要聽我的了
- It was your idea. - Never listen to me.
我真是瘋了
I'm nuts.
為什么你不痛
Why aren't you in pain?
我可是從堪薩斯來的
I'm from Kansas.
我不知道那是什么意思
I don't know what that means.
- 還要多久 - 十分鐘
- How much longer? - Ten minutes.
受不了了
Jiminy Crickets.
你要去哪 她要去哪
Where are you going? Where is she going?
我不知道
I don't know.
米琪 米琪
Midge. Midge?
米琪
Midge!
- 還要多久 - 九分鐘
- How much longer? - Nine minutes!
我的個上帝喲
Holy fucking Christ balls!
但是這一切奇妙的冒險
But all of these marvelous adventures
都不過是指引我走向命中注定的他
were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny.
我將遇到一個人
I was going to meet a man...
一個完美的男人
a perfect man.
他一米九五 一頭金發
"He would be 6'4" and blond,
名字叫做達希爾還是斯塔福德什么的
and his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or...
喬爾 喬爾 麥瑟爾
Joel. Joel Maisel.
送冰人來了 之后最棒的開場白
Best buildup since Iceman Cometh.
美國現代戲劇之父尤金 奧尼爾的作品
喬爾 麥瑟爾就是我身披閃亮盔甲的騎士
Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor,
上帝的饋贈
a gift from God,
而他覺得我也光彩照人
and he thought I was brilliant.
他帶我去畫廊和詩歌朗誦會
He took me to galleries and poetry readings
看希臘戲劇
and Greek dramas.
等一下 等一下 小姐
Excuse me. Excuse me, Miss.
謝謝 親愛的
Thanks, toots.
親愛的 別走啊
Honey, don't go away.
她會需要那個的
She's going to need that.
剛剛登臺的是 米斯蒂 夢 女士們先生們
That was Misty Dream, ladies and gentlemen.
要知道 她才十八歲
You know, she's only 18...
按狗的年齡來算的話
in dog years.
不過 讓我把歡樂交給下一位表演者
Anyway, I'll leave the jokes to our next performer.
他剛從船上
He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines
還是什么愛國的鬼東西里解脫出來
or some patriotic shit like that.
讓我們一起歡迎
And, let's hear it for him...
萊尼 布魯斯
Lenny Bruce.
他就是我想讓你見的那個人
This is the guy I wanted you to see.
我才不信他會比米斯蒂更搞笑
No way he's funnier than Misty.
謝謝大家
Thank you.
那時我在看報紙
And so I was reading the paper,
故事是這樣的
and, there was a story.
有群小孩 八九歲的樣子
These kids... 8- and 9- year- old...
想通過聞飛機膠水嗨起來
were sniffing airplane glue to get high on.
原來就是這些小孩讓音樂家們
These kids are responsible for turning musicians on
找到了靈感迸發的途徑
to a lot of things they never knew about, actually.
這是怎么回事呢 我有個大膽的想法
Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.
那孩子獨自一人在房間里
The kid is alone in his room.
那是一個周六
It's Saturday.
美國演員
那孩子是喬治 麥克雷迪扮演的
The kid is played by George Macready.
現在 讓我們來看看
Well, let's see now.
我獨自一人在房間里 那是周六
I'm all alone in a room, and it's Saturday.
我想做個飛機模型 只想做這個
I'll make an airplane. That's what I'll do.
我要做個蘭喀斯特式飛機
I'll make a Lancaster.
完美的結構設計
Good structural design.
我要在這用點巴沙木
I'll get the balsa wood here.
切割一下 打磨拋光
I'll cut it out. I'll sand it down.
涂點飛機膠水
Add a little airplane glue.
我用抹布擦一下
I'll rub it on a rag and...
爽飛了
Hey now.
我要起飛了
I'm getting loaded.
這就是喬爾教我的東西
The things Joel taught me.
你知道我想要什么嗎
You know what I want?
千萬別說要處女
Please don't say a virgin.
我想讓你生命里的每一天
I want to make you laugh
都充滿歡笑
every day of your life.
真棒 但不是現在
Great, but not now, though.
不不 不是現在
No, no, not now.
我一直都無比幸運
I have been very lucky.
我有超棒的父母
I have wonderful parents.
舒適美好的生活
I've had a very comfortable life,
盡管我知道愛情也是美妙絕倫的
and though I knew that love would be great,
但我還是不知道它到底值不值得
I had no idea it would be anything
讓我花大價錢買下這條裙子
that could justify what I paid for this dress.
是我付的錢 我們很滿意
What I paid for that dress. We're very happy.
因為這世上
And because it's better
沒有什么比愛情更寶貴的了
than anything I could have imagined,
我覺得今天我應該站在這里
I thought I should get up here today
告訴在座的大家 我愛這個男人
and tell all of you that I love this man.
還有沒錯 蛋卷里有蝦
And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls.
猶太教規定不能食用帶殼水產
米里亞姆
Miriam.
抱歉 我們遇到了問題
Excuse me. We have a problem.
拉比 她開玩笑的
Rabbi, she's kidding.
你告訴我圣經里
You show me in the Bible
哪里寫了上帝說不能吃蝦了
where God says you can't eat shrimp.
利未記 沒有鰭和鱗片的
Leviticus. Whatever does not have fins or scales,
利未記 舊約中的一章
- 不能吃 - 但他有說蝦嗎
- you shall not eat. - But did He say shrimp?
? 我們共度美好的一天 ? ♪ We were in for a wonderful day ♪
? 就像我說的那樣 ? ♪ As I told you before ♪
? 在我眼中如此美麗動人 ? ♪ When I saw what I saw ♪
? 我多么想大聲說 ? ♪ I was terribly tempted to say ♪
四年后
? 愿每一天都如此美好 ? ♪ On a wonderful day like today ♪
Orange 字幕組
原創翻譯 雙語字幕
? 天上沒有烏云蓋 ? ♪ I defy any cloud to appear in the sky ♪
? 不用害怕雨滴飛濺 ? ♪ Dare any raindrop to pop in my eye ♪
? 愿每一天都如此美好 ? ♪ On a wonderful day like today ♪
? 愿每個早晨都如此美好 ? ♪ On a wonderful morning like this ♪
盧茲雜貨店
? 日初出大如車蓋 ? ♪ When the sun is as big... ♪
拉夫提 我們請到拉比了
Lefty, we got the rabbi.
怎么請的 什么時候
How? When?
今天才收到消息 我媽開心到暈厥
We heard today. My mother fainted,
然后打電話給了四個人 又暈過去了
then called four people, then fainted again.
今年的贖罪日
This year, on Yom Kippur,
拉比 克里斯凱會來我家
RabbI Krinsky will be breaking fast
- 吃開齋飯 - 你需要一些羔羊肉
- at our house. - You're gonna need some lamb.
拉比喜歡羊羔肉
RabbI loves his lamb.
打擾一下 我還要買東西呢
Excuse me. I'm in the middle of an order here.
- 抱歉 你要買什么 - 豬排
- I'm so sorry. What were you getting? - Pork chops.
把她的豬排記在我賬上
Put her pork chops on my tab.
難以置信
I can't believe it.
從婚禮那天起 拉比就一直在生我氣
The rabbI's been mad at us since the wedding.
我花了四年來道歉
It only took four years of apologies
還送了一個小薩米 戴維斯簽名的光明節陀螺
and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr.,
美國著名歌唱家
但我們終于說服了那個混蛋
but we finally got the bastard.
- 真丟人 - 你還想不想要免費豬排了
- Disgraceful. - You like your free pork chops?
- 那就閉嘴 - 周四送貨
- Zip it, then. - Delivery Thursday?
十點以后
After 10.
我拿幾個黑白芝士
I grabbed a couple of black and whites.
? 我可以借此機會說 ? ♪ May I take this occasion to say ♪
我們請到拉比了
We got the rabbi!
? 全人類 ? ♪ That the whole human race ♪
? 都應該虔誠跪下 ? ♪ Should go down on its knees ♪
? 感激這美好的早晨 ? ♪ Show that they're grateful for mornings like these ♪
? 世界如此美好 ? ♪ For the world's in a wonderful way ♪
安東尼奧 我給你帶了黑白芝士
Antonio, I bought you a black and white.
謝謝 麥瑟爾夫人
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
杰瑞 領帶不錯
Jerry, nice tie.
給你帶了黑白芝士
Got you a black and white.
? 當太陽 ? ♪ When the sun is as big ♪
? 大如黃色氣球 ? ♪ As a yellow balloon ♪
? 就算是麻雀 ? ♪ Even the sparrows ♪
謝謝你 杰瑞
Thank you, Jerry.
? 唱著歌兒 ? ♪ Are singing in tune ♪
? 愿每個早晨都如此美好 ? ♪ On a wonderful morning like this ♪
? 愿每個一天都如此 ? ♪ On a wonderful day ♪
? 美好 ? ♪ Day like today ♪
真棒 太完美了
Perfect. You are perfect.
你好
Hello.
你跟大家說了拉比的事嗎
You tell everyone about the rabbi?
我是那種大嘴巴的人嗎 工作怎么樣
What am I, a braggart? Please. How's work?
我今天賣了些東西
I believe something got sold today.
牛腩怎么樣
How's the brisket?
我都要給它頒獎了
I'm buying it a sash and a crown.
很好 我們會需要它的
Good. We'll need it.
我被悲慘地排在凌晨一點四十五上臺
I got a terrible stage time 1:45.
- 哎呀 - 我從午餐會議溜出來
- Yikes. - I bowed out of my lunch meeting
盡快趕到市中心
and got downtown as quickly as I could.
但那個煤油燈咖啡廳的老板
But that guy who runs the Gaslight...
巴茲 你得記住他的名字
Baz. You must learn his name.
好吧 巴茲還是給我安排了最爛的時間
Fine. Baz still gave me the crappiest time.
- 他討厭我 - 別擔心 我們會解決的
- He hates me. - Don't worry. We'll fix it.
他沒把我當成一個真的喜劇演員
He doesn't see me as a real comedian.
我是說 雖然我還不是一個真的喜劇演員
I mean, I'm not a real comedian yet,
但如果他能給我安排一個好點的時間
but if he'd just give me a better time...
- 我們會搞定的 - 一點四十五
- We will fix it. - 1:45.
一點四十五那里根本沒人
No one is there at 1:45.
沒人嗎 那我們還是會搞定的
They're not? Well, then we'll fix it.
真不知道沒有你我該怎么辦
I don't know what I'd do without you.
- 還是一點四十五吧 - 再見
- Go on at 1:45. - Bye.
服務員說 好吧 我來嘗嘗
So the waiter says, "Fine. I'll try it."
他看著那個碗
He looks at the bowl
說 勺子在哪兒
and says "Where the hell is the spoon?"
顧客說 啊哈
And the customer says "Aha."
所以他沒帶勺子
So he didn't bring him a spoon.
這就是為什么他沒喝湯
And that's why he didn't eat the soup.
因為沒勺子
No spoon.
沒勺子喝不了湯
Well, you can't eat a soup with no spoon.
天哪 笑死我了
Boy. That's a good joke there.
潘妮 你能帶米切爾去艾爾的辦公室嗎
Penny, can you walk Mitchell down to Al's office?
- 當然 - 艾爾會給你介紹規格
- Of course. - Al can take you through the specs.
好的 勺子這梗我可以笑一個星期
Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing about that spoon for a week.
唉
Oi.
我看見富特正朝大廳去了
I saw Funt heading down the hall.
我把他送去艾爾的辦公室 沒事的
I sent him over to Al's office. He's fine.
你今晚要去村里嗎
You heading down to the Village tonight?
米琪隨時可能過來
Midge will be here any minute.
喬爾 麥瑟爾 喜劇之王
Joel Maisel, king of comedy.
好吧 好吧
All right, all right.
知道嗎 伊莫金已經迫不及待地想看你表演了
You know, Imogene's dying to see your act.
我跟她說 我不懂為什么
I told her I don't know why.
我從早到晚都在看你的荒誕表演
I see you acting ridiculous all day long.
很幽默啊 我能用這個梗嗎
Very amusing. Can I use that?
說真的 我們什么時候能去看看
Seriously, when can we come?
我叫出租車在樓下等著
I have a cab waiting downstairs.
- 嗨 阿奇 - 你為什么要讓他等著
- Hi, Archie. - Why'd you have him wait?
我們可以再叫別的出租車
We could have taken another cab.
我知道 但那司機婚姻出了問題
I know, but the driver's having trouble with his marriage,
我不忍心就這么打發他
and I hated to send him off like that.
那我下周去看
So I'll come next week?
下周 來吧
Next week. Why not?
再見 阿奇
Bye, Archie.
晚安 潘妮
Good night, Penny.
晚安
Good night.
背景音樂 ? Come to the supermarket in Old Peking
? 如果你想買個風箏 ? ♪ If you want to buy a kite ♪
? 還是買只小狗讓你一晚不得安寧 ? ♪ Or a pup to keep you up at night ♪
? 還是認識白雪公主的一個小矮人 ? ♪ Or a dwarf who used to know Snow White ♪
? 還是愛唱歌的青蛙 ? ♪ Or a frog who loves to sing ♪
? 快來老北京的超市吧 ? ♪ Come to the supermarket in old Peking ♪
? 如果你想買一個玉石雕塑 ? ♪ If you want a bust of jade ♪
? 還是一個有點壞掉的雞蛋 ? ♪ Or an egg that's more or less decayed ♪
? 還是萬一你想認識一個女仆 ? ♪ Or in case you'd care to meet a maid ♪
? 來放肆一番 ? ♪ For a nice but naughty fling ♪
? 快來老北京的超市吧 ? ♪ Come to the supermarket in old Peking ♪
? 他們有燕窩湯 紫菜湯 ? ♪ They have bird nest soup, seaweed soup ♪
? 面湯 狗肉湯 ? ♪ Noodle soup, poodle soup ♪
? 像烏鴉一樣嘰嘰喳喳 ? ♪ Talking crows with the croup ♪
? 什么都有 ? ♪ Almost anything ♪
? 如果你想買把鋸子 ? ♪ If you want to buy a saw ♪
? 還是美味的魚生 ? ♪ Or a fish delicious when it's raw ♪
? 還是毒死岳母的藥片 ? ♪ Or a pill to kill your mother- in- law ♪
? 還是沒有蜂針的蜜蜂 ? ♪ Or a bee without a sting ♪
煤油燈咖啡廳
? 快來超市吧 ? ♪ Come to the supermarket ♪
? 如果你騎著烏龜來 可以停在停車場 ? ♪ If you come on a turtle, you can park it ♪
? 快來超市吧 ? ♪ So come to the supermarket ♪
? 如果你騎著鵝來 可以停在停車場 ? ♪ If you come on a goose, you can park it ♪
? 快來超市吧 ? ♪ So come to the supermarket ♪
? 看啊 ? ♪ And see ♪
? 北京 ? ♪ Peking ♪
? 有人說人是泥巴捏的 ? ♪ Some people say man is made out of mud ♪
? 男人渾身都是鮮血和肌肉 ? ♪ All man's made out of muscle and blood ♪
? 肌肉鮮血皮膚骨骼 ? ♪ Muscle and blood and skin and bone ♪
? 意志薄弱但身強體壯 ? ♪ A mind that's weak and a back that's strong ♪
? 你裝了16噸 ? ♪ You load 16 tons... ♪
都坐滿了
Packed house.
一點四十五就空了
Yeah, it won't be at 1:45.
天哪 真是死腦筋
Oi, my God, with the one- track mind.
去那 坐下 讓專業人士來解決問題
Go. Sit. Let the master work.
? 你不打電話給我 因為我不能離開 ? ♪ Don't you call me 'cause I can't go ♪
? 我的靈魂 ? ♪ I owe my soul ♪
? 賒在公司商店 ? ♪ To the company store ♪
操
Fuck!
什么事 這里是煤油燈 什么事
What? Gaslight. What?
對 我們在營業
Yes. We're open.
不知道 等人走光吧
Don't know. When everyone's gone.
索爾克博士應該給白癡發明種疫苗
Dr. Salk should find a vaccine for morons.
什么事
Yes?
我在找巴茲
I'm looking for Baz.
他在拉屎 后面右邊
Shitter, back on the right.
我還是等他拉完吧
I'll wait till he's done.
那是牛腩嗎
That the brisket?
給巴茲的
It's for Baz.
我們付錢給賣咖啡那人了嗎
We pay the coffee guy?
- 付了 - 這到底在說什么
- Yes. - Where in here does it say that?
天哪 巴茲
Jesus Christ, Baz.
你好 米琪 那是
Hello, Midge. Is that...
我做了牛腩
I made my brisket.
我猜是你老公不滿意
So I'm guessing your husband doesn't like
他今晚的登臺時間
his time slot tonight.
不 他很滿意
No, he loves his time slot.
任何時間都滿意
He loves any time slot.
只是有一個小小的問題
There's just a tiny problem.
我們女兒病了
Our daughter is sick.
她耳朵痛 一點四十五太晚了
Earache, And 1:45 is just so late.
我不知道該怎么辦了 我想
I didn't know what to do. I thought...
你兒子上周是得了麻疹嗎
Didn't your son have the measles last week?
什么 是的 是的 他是得了麻疹
What? Yes. Yes, he did.
再上周你媽媽是不是得了佝僂病
And the week before that, your mother had rickets?
是的 很痛苦
Yes. So painful.
還有上個月
And last month,
你的嫂子腳趾折了
your sister- in- law broke her toe.
你哥哥背扭傷了
Your brother threw out his back.
你們健康問題真多
That's a lot of health issues.
你們家該吃點水果了
Your family might want to eat some fruit.
我會考慮考慮的
I'll take that into consideration.
好吧 十點半上場
Okay. 10:30.
下次 我想吃薯餅
Next time, I'd like some latkes.
我做的薯餅很好吃 特別棒的薯餅
I make great latkes, genius latkes.
你不會后悔的
You won't be sorry.
背景音樂 ? Sixteen Tons
? 圣彼得 你為何不呼喚我 ? ♪ Saint Peter, don't you call me ♪
你意志真不堅定
Pussy.
? 只是因為我無法離開嗎 ? ♪ 'Cause I can't go ♪
? 我虧欠我的靈魂太多了 ? ♪ I owe my soul to the company store ♪
十點半上場
10:30.
你在開玩笑吧
You're kidding.
獎勵我的吻呢
Where's my kiss?
我應該感謝胸肉
I should be kissing the brisket.
? 很多人沒有這么做 很多 ? ♪ A lot of men didn't, a lot... ♪
下一個表演
The next act up
來自一個干凈整潔的年輕人
is a nice clean- cut young man,
是那種媽媽會喜歡的人
somebody your mother would love.
他是一個喜劇演員
He's a comedian.
掌聲有請喬爾 麥瑟爾
Give a big hand for Joel Maisel.
謝謝大家
Thanks a lot.
那么 你們很多人都讀過那本書
So many of you may have read the book.
隱藏的說服者
The Hidden Persuaders.
美國記者 作家 社會批評家 萬斯 帕卡德的作品
這本書是關于麥迪遜大街的營銷人
It's about Madison Avenue's marketing men
以及他們如何創造
and how they create the public personas
我們都知道 信任且支持的公眾人物角色
we all learn to know and trust and vote for.
那么 如果
Well, what if,
在南北戰爭期間
during the Civil War,
根本沒有林肯這個人呢
there was no Lincoln?
如果是他們創造了林肯的形象呢
What if they had to create him?
亞伯拉罕 林肯與他的新聞發言人
This is a telephone conversation
美國內戰的轉折點
在葛底斯堡之役之前有一段電話談話
between Abe Lincoln and his press agent
內容是這樣的
just before Gettysburg.
- 嗨 亞伯親愛的 - 你好嗎 小子
- Hi, Abe, sweetheart. - How are you, kid?
葛底斯堡怎么樣
How's Gettysburg?
有點吃力對吧
Sort of a drag, huh?
那個嘛 亞伯 你知道
Well, Abe, you know
賓夕法尼亞的那些小鎮們
them small Pennsylvania towns...
都是千篇一律
you seen one, you seen them all.
有什么問題嗎
What's the problem?
你想把胡子刮掉
You're thinking of shaving it off?
亞伯
Abe,
你不知道這是你形象的一部分嗎
don't you see that's part of the image?
沒錯 披著披肩 戴著紳士帽
Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat
還有蝴蝶領結
and the string tie.
你沒有披肩啊
You don't have the shawl?
披肩放哪了 亞伯
Where's the shawl, Abe?
你把它丟在華盛頓了
You left it in Washington?
那你穿的是什么 亞伯
What are you wearing, Abe?
某種開襟羊毛衫
A sort of cardigan?
亞伯 你不覺得這和
Abe, don't you see that doesn't go
蝴蝶領結還有胡子不搭嗎
with the string tie and beard?
亞伯 你能留著胡子
Abe, would you leave the beard on
然后披上披肩嗎
and get the shawl?
好了 亞伯 你現在是要做演講是吧
All right, now, Abe, you got your speech, right?
亞伯 你沒改演講內容吧
Abe, you haven't changed the speech, have you?
3.3美元 還有一個地鐵代幣
$3.30 and one subway token.
代幣我就拿著了
I'll take that token.
今晚太棒了 我秒殺全場
Tonight was great. I killed.
我過得很愉快 所以我很棒
I had a good time, so I killed.
我需要觀眾 觀眾就是上帝
I need an audience. I feed off an audience.
我一結束 觀眾們就走了 你看到了嗎
I finished, people started to leave. Did you see that?
我自己都想走了
I almost left myself.
十點半真是完美的時間點
10:30. Perfect slot.
下次也讓我在這個時間上場吧
Give me that slot again next time.
嘿 拿著
Hey. Here.
看到你的表演了
Saw your act.
別忘了帶薯餅來
Don't forget the latkes.
那人是誰
Who's that guy?
她在那上班
She works there.
沒見過世面的人
Only in the Village.
出租車
Taxi!
你今晚比上次的表演
You got three more laughs tonight
多收獲了三次哄堂大笑
than you did last time,
還有幾次額外的 嗯 輕笑聲
and a couple of extra, like, laughlets.
但你為什么還是搖頭
But what you were shaking your head for?
沒什么 你很棒
Nothing. You were great.
我很棒
I was great.
其實
You know,
你好像不怎么和觀眾打招呼
you don't really say hello to the audience.
也許你該寫個開場白
Maybe you should write a beginning,
介紹一下自己之類的
something that says who you are or something.
你覺得怎么樣
What do you think?
晚上好 多么美好的
Good evening. What a nice...
晚上好 女士們先生們
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
十分感謝這個美好的 美好的
Thank you for the nice... nice...
美好是個很糟糕的詞
"Nice" is a bad, bad word.
這些掌聲是給我的嗎
All that applause for me?
我是什么 撲滅欲火的人嗎
What am I, putting out after?
一次起立歡呼 人人懷孕回家
One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.
也許你可以用表演引入
Maybe you could do impressions to start.
你模仿我的阿姨貝莎
You do a great one of my aunt Bertha
點餐的樣子很精彩
ordering dinner.
配菜可以增添節日氛圍 但也很致命
"A garnish can be festive but deadly."
晚安 親愛的
Good night, Gracie.
晚安 親愛的
Good night, Gracie.
嘿
Hey.
早上好
Good morning.
鬧鐘響了嗎
Did the alarm go off?
早就響了
It sure did.
哇 我完全沒聽到
Wow. I didn't hear it at all.
你睡太死了
You never do.
背景音樂 ? It's a Good Day
? 是的 這是個好日子 ? ♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪
? 來唱一首歌 ? ♪ For singin' a song ♪
? 這是個好日子 ? ♪ And it's a good day ♪
? 來繼續前進 ? ♪ For movin' along ♪
? 是的 這是個好日子 ? ♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪
? 萬事皆順 ? ♪ How could anything be wrong? ♪
? 一整天都是好日子 ? ♪ A good day from mornin' till night ♪
- 早上好 杰里 - 早上好 麥瑟爾夫人
- Good morning, Jerry. - Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
? 來擦亮鞋子 ? ♪ For shining your shoes ♪
? 這是個好日子 ? ♪ And it's a good day ♪
? 來甩開悲傷 ? ♪ For losin' the blues ♪
謝謝 杰里
Thanks, Jerry.
? 一切都有所收獲 ? ♪ Everything to gain ♪
? 也不會失去什么 ? ♪ Nothin' to lose ♪
? 一整天都是好日子 ? ♪ A good day from mornin' till night ♪
有人嗎 是我
Hello. It's me.
早上好 米里亞姆小姐 你要來杯咖啡嗎
Good morning, Miss Miriam. Can I get you some coffee?
好的 塞爾達 麻煩了
Yes, Zelda, please.
早上好 爸爸
Good morning, Papa.
早上好 伊森
Good morning, Ethan.
早上好 伊森
Good morning, Ethan.
伊森 伊森 伊森
Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.
伊 當我沒說
E... Never mind.
- 給你 - 你要咖啡了嗎
- Here you are. - Did you get coffee?
要了 還收到了我兒子的熱烈歡迎
Yes, and a great welcome from my son.
- 男人啊 - 謝謝你們昨晚照顧我的孩子們
- Men. - Thanks for taking the kids last night.
他們乖嗎
Were they okay?
我們要談談那個小嬰兒
We need to talk about the baby.
為什么 她怎么了
Why? What's the matter with her?
她額頭的情況一直沒有改善
That forehead is not improving.
- 什么 你確定嗎 - 越來越大了
- What? Are you sure? - It's getting bigger.
這么下去她的臉都要變形了
The whole face will be out of proportion.
看她的鼻子 越來越長了
Look at the nose. It's elongating now.
鼻子不是問題 鼻子可以整
The nose is not the problem. The nose you can fix.
但是這個巨大的額頭
But this gigantic forehead.
媽 會有劉海遮住的
Ma, there's always bangs.
我只是擔心她長得不好看
I'm just afraid she's not a very pretty girl.
- 媽媽 她還是個小嬰兒 - 我只是希望她開心
- Mama, she's a baby. - I just want her to be happy.
長得好看的話心情總會好點
It's easier to be happy when you're pretty.
你說得沒錯 劉海會有用的
You're right. Bangs will help.
塞爾達 這里不用打掃了 這樣挺好的
Zelda, don't clean in here. It's fine just the way it is.
喬爾的小演出怎么樣
How did Joel's little show go?
演出非常棒
It went very well.
我還是不明白這一整套的東西
I still don't understand this whole thing.
他是給誰表演
Whom is he performing for?
- 所有在場的人 - 他們會給錢嗎
- Anyone who shows up. - And they pay you?
在你的表演結束時觀眾會傳遞一個籃子
They pass around a basket at the end of your set,
最后籃子里的東西就是你的了
and whatever's in it you get to take home.
如果你們缺錢的話 我們可以資助你們
If you need money, we can give you money.
不 我們不缺錢
No, we don't need money.
喬爾很搞笑 他也喜歡表演他的喜劇
Joel is funny, and he likes to do his comedy.
你們打算這樣過多久
How long are you going to be doing this,
晚上跑來跑去
running around at night,
像寄生蟲一樣拿陌生人的錢
taking money from strangers like a schnorrer?
只要有趣就行
As long as it's fun.
你的手臂幾個月沒鍛煉了
Six to nine more months left on those arms.
真的嗎 我一直在用湯罐頭
Really? I've been doing those exercises
鍛煉
with the soup cans.
別管那些罐頭了 買件寬松點的對襟上衣吧
Forget the cans. Buy a bolero.
你怎么進來的
How did you get in here?
我從另一扇門那進來的
I came through the other door.
就算那有扇門
Just because there is a door
也不意味著你就要用它
does not mean you use it.
一扇門不代表有無限的可能
A door does not represent infinite possibilities.
下周的事情都安排好了嗎
Is everything ordered for next week?
是的 都弄好了 伊森 把外套穿上
Yes, all done. Ethan, put your coat on.
你還有整間公寓要打掃
You have a whole apartment to clean.
就別管這間房了
Just leave this room the way it is.
我覺得我們還是去你家吃晚餐好了
I thought we'd do dinner at your place.
你的飯廳比我們的大
Your dining room's bigger than ours.
我們的飯廳還好
Our dining room is fine.
如果不招待客人就還好
If you don't entertain, it's fine.
我晚點打給你 再見 爸爸
I'll call you later. Bye, Papa.
打掃浴室去 打掃浴室去
Clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom.
- 說再見 伊森 - 你不是喜歡浴室嗎
- Say goodbye, Ethan. - You love bathrooms.
伊森 伊森
Ethan. Ethan.
- 把它們再打掃一遍 - 伊森 伊
- Clean them again. - Ethan. E...
別管他了
Never mind.
? 追求趣味 它是最好的選擇 ? ♪ For fun it's the premium one ♪
她不停地說她在墨西哥
She's going on and on about this miracle treatment
做的奇跡治療
she had done in Mexico.
內容包括了羊奶和鱷梨
It involved goat's milk and avocadoes.
右腳踝8英寸 左腳踝8英寸
Right ankle 8, left ankle 8.
他們把它涂在臉上
They smear it on your face,
在你的頭上蓋熱毛巾
wrap a hot towel around your head,
還要在你的鼻子上插兩根吸管
and stick two straws up your nose.
右小腿11英寸 左小腿11英寸
Right calf 11, left calf 11.
你就可以通過吸管呼吸了
So you can breathe through the straws.
然后他們把你帶到一艘小船上 并把船開到海上
Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea...
右大腿腿圍18英寸
Right thigh 18.
然后他們把錨放下
And they drop the anchor,
你就在船里呆坐四小時
and you sit there for four hours.
左大腿腿圍18.5英寸
Left thigh 18 1/2.
- 然后他們再把你接回來 - 臀圍34英寸
- Then they row you back in... - Hips 34.
- 他們會把你放下來 - 腰圍25英寸
- And they scrape you down... - Waist 25.
用舊的香蕉皮扇你的臉
Slap you in the face with old banana skins...
- 胸圍32英寸 - 收你75美元 就送你回家
- Bust 32. - ...Charge you $75, and send you home.
她覺得她像二十歲 我覺得沒什么變化
She thinks she looks 20. I think she looks the same.
天哪 你真是太勻稱了
God, you are so proportional.
你這么給自己量身體數據多長時間了
How long have you been measuring yourself like this?
每天這樣堅持十年了
Every day for ten years.
懷孕的時候也是嗎
Even when you were pregnant?
世界上的臺克利雞尾酒根本不夠我喝
There's not enough Daiquiris in the world.
在芝加哥 最著名的國家級
Chicago, one of the great comedy...
喜劇明星之一就是
recording stars in the country...
鮑伯 紐哈特 讓我們欣賞
Bob Newhart. So let's hear it...
電視喜劇演員
你回來了 你餓了嗎 我做了咖喱飯菜
There you are. Are you hungry? I made curry,
以防萬一它很難吃 我還點了中國菜
and I ordered Chinese in case it's awful.
我相信它能吃 我們的孩子呢
I'm sure it's fine. Did we have children?
他們在樓上
They're upstairs.
- 你好 伊莫金 - 你好 喬爾
- Hi, Imogene. - Hey, Joel.
你知道我們明晚要去市中心
Did you hear we're coming downtown
看你的表演嗎
to see you tomorrow night?
我們已經好久沒有去過十四大道以外的地方了
We haven't been below 14th in months.
我們很激動
We're very excited.
別抱太大期望
Don't except too much.
你的表演要非常好
You'd better be great.
我要戴個貝雷帽
I'm going to wear a beret.
- 明天見 - 拜
- See you tomorrow. - Bye.
- 喬爾 再見 - 再見
- Goodbye, Joel. - Bye.
咖喱真的不好吃 我們吃外賣吧
The curry's terrible. We'll have the takeout.
它們全都千篇一律
You've seen one, you've seen them all.
對了 亞伯
Right. Listen, Abe,
我有 問題是什么來著
I got... What's the problem?
你 你想把它刮掉
Y- You're thinking of shaving it off?
亞伯
Abe,
你不知道這是你形象的一部分嗎
don't you see that's part of the image?
沒錯 披著披肩 戴著紳士帽
Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat
還有蝴蝶領結
and the string tie.
你沒有披肩嗎
You don't have the shawl?
披肩在哪 亞伯
Where's the shawl, Abe?
喬爾
Joel?
喬爾
Joel.
你不會相信的
You're not gonna believe this.
鮑伯 紐哈特在用你的段子
Bob Newhart is doing your act.
- 什么 - 鮑伯 紐哈特
- What? - Bob Newhart.
電視喜劇劇集
他在小城名流的劇里用你的段子
He's on "Ed Sullivan." He's doing your act.
他肯定是某個晚上到俱樂部來了
He must have come to the club one night
還看了你的表演
and seen you perform,
現在他就在電視上
and now he's on television
和你說同樣的段子
doing it just like you do.
不同點就是他說得比你快
Well, different because he does it faster,
事實上這樣感覺更好
which is better, actually,
但這不是重點
but that's besides the point.
我很生氣 你不生氣嗎
I'm mad. Aren't you mad?
米琪 冷靜
Midge, relax.
你不生氣
You're not mad.
不
No.
也不驚訝
Or stunned.
甚至一點點疑惑都沒有
Not even mildly bemused?
這就是他的段子
It's his act.
什么
What?
你要把剩下的這些都放到一個盤子里嗎
Are you gonna put the rest of this on a platter?
這怎么是他的段子 你怎么知道他的段子的
How is it his act? How do you know his act?
我有他的錄音
I've got his record.
所以你就偷了鮑伯 紐哈特的段子嗎
So you stole Bob Newhart's act.
沒事的 大家都這么干
It's fine. Everybody does it.
大家都偷他的段子嗎
Everybody steals his act?
是的
Yes.
不 不叫偷
No. Not steals.
是借用 沒什么大不了的
Borrows. It's no big deal.
這不是重要嗎 當我發現
It's not? When I found out
瓊 弗里德曼用了我的烘肉卷配方
June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe,
我差點要用叉子戳了她的眼睛
I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork.
喜劇界的人都偷
Everybody in comedy steals...
是借用
Borrows.
借用其他人的笑話
Borrows everybody else's jokes,
特別是剛起步的時候
especially at the beginning.
鮑伯 紐哈特在起步時可能還用了
Bob Newhart probably used Henny Youngman's stuff
漢尼 揚曼的東西呢
when he started.
也是小城名流里的演員
都是這樣的
It's how it's done.
好吧 如果都是這樣的話
Well, if that's how it's done.
就是這樣
It is.
我還以為是你寫的
I thought you'd written it...
那個段子
that act.
我現在覺得我有點蠢
I feel a little silly now.
我也加入了我的個人色彩
Well, I did put my spin on it.
是的 你把語速放慢了
Yes. You slowed it down.
我的音調也有不同
And my inflection is different.
沒錯 我第一次知道 所以
Right. I'm new to this, so...
你會明白的
You'll learn.
我想我會的
I guess I will.
你想來杯喝的嗎
You want a drink?
當然
Sure.
那我現在大概得向瓊 弗里德曼道個歉了
Guess I'd better go apologize to June Freedman now.
- 你好 - 胸肉準備好了嗎
- Hello. - How's the brisket?
- 做好了嗎 - 出了什么我不知道的情況嗎
- Is it okay? - Do you know something I don't?
回答問題就行 米琪
Just answer the question, Midge.
是的 做好了 怎么了
Yes. It's fine. What's the matter?
我得一直工作到午餐
I had to work straight through lunch,
所以我今晚沒空去市里表演了
so I couldn't go downtown to get a time for tonight.
- 今晚 你懂的 - 今晚 好的 我明白了
- Tonight, you understand? - Tonight. Yes, I understand.
阿奇和伊莫金也會來 記得嗎
Archie and Imogene are coming, remember?
當然記得
Of course I remember.
他們今晚也會來
They're coming tonight,
但是我沒空
and I don't have a time.
告訴他們我生病了 讓他們別來
You know what? Cancel them. Tell them I'm sick.
他們已經請保姆了 全部都安排好了
They've got a babysitter. It's all arranged.
該死的 我就應該把這午餐時間改掉的
I should have changed that lunch, damn it.
喬爾 別這樣 我向你保證 一切都會順利的
Joel, come on. I promise you'll get on.
牛腩會準備好 我會做好我的工作
I'll bring the brisket. I'll do my thing.
一切都會好的 好嗎
Everything will be fine, okay?
- 好吧 - 嘿
- Okay. - Hey.
我們這次的重頭戲就是
Remember this whole comedy thing,
這個喜劇的演出
it's supposed to be fun.
也是我們這次聚會的主要目的 明白嗎
That's why we do it, right?
好吧 你必須幫我把
Right. Well, you'll have to bring me
我的演出毛衣帶來 我忘在家里了
my show sweater. I left it at home.
- 這個沒有問題 - 還有你必須在八點之前趕到
- I can do that. - And you have to be here right at 8.
我會準時到的
I will be on time.
好吧 我得掛了
Okay. I should go.
你的爸爸已經要瘋掉了
Your daddy is crazy.
現在我們來繼續量你的額頭
Now let's measure that forehead.
停在這里 我馬上回來
Pull over here. I'll just be a minute.
天啊
Geez.
你到底去哪里了
Where the hell have you been?
已經八點半了 - 我知道 對不起
- It's 8:30. - I know. I'm sorry.
快走 快走 快走
Go. Go, go.
- 毛衣你幫我拿了嗎 - 拿了
- Do you have my sweater? - Yes.
你不必在外面站著等的
You didn't have to stand out there.
我肯定會來的
I would have come up.
你本來應該八點到的
You get here at 8, you come up.
你是在和我開玩笑嗎
Are you kidding me?
- 什么 - 洞啊
- What? - Holes.
- 到處都是 - 什么
- Holes everywhere. - What?
真不敢相信你出門之前
I can't believe you didn't look at it
竟然沒有檢查看看
before you left the house.
我著急來找你 這很難看到的
I was in a hurry to meet you. You can hardly see them.
很難嗎 看 看
Hardly see? Look, look.
這里一個 這里一個 這里還有兩個
A hole here, a hole here, two holes here.
你說 這到底是怎么回事
I mean, how does this happen?
估計是蛀蟲
It was probably a moth.
- 蛀蟲嗎 - 是的
- A moth? - Yes.
什么蛀蟲
What moth?
泰德 那種泰德蛀蟲
Ted. Ted the Moth.
硬幣大小的洞 這是它弄出來的洞
Dime- sized holes, that's his signature.
- 你覺得這很好笑嗎 - 我是覺得這沒有關系
- You think this is funny? - I think it doesn't matter.
穿得滿是洞的衣服 像流浪漢一樣上臺
Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum.
那是市區 你穿個內褲都是穿多了好嗎
It's downtown. If you have underwear on, you're overdressed.
嘿 你還可以把這也說進去
Hey, why don't you talk about it?
- 什么 - 你的毛衣的故事
- About what? - About your sweater.
就把這也當笑話講出來啊
You know, joke about it in your act.
會很搞笑的 而且是你自己的段子
It'll be fun, personal, yours.
我不知道
I don't know.
好極了 他們都在那里了
Great. They're here.
好的 那你可以過去和他們聊聊
Okay, why don't you go join them,
喝杯咖啡冷靜一下
have a cup of coffee, calm down?
這個我去處理 可以嗎
I'll go deal with this, okay?
好吧 你快點
Yeah, fine. Hurry.
打擾一下 有看到巴茲嗎
Excuse me. Is Baz around?
沒有
Nope.
打擾一下
Excuse me.
我丈夫喬爾 麥瑟爾 他就在那邊 你有看到嗎
Do you see my husband Joel Maisel over there?
好吧 因為工作的原因
Okay. He couldn't get away from work
他不能提前一點到這邊來演出
to come down here earlier for a time to perform.
他是個喜劇演員
He's a comedian.
不管怎樣 今天都是瘋狂工作的一天
Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work,
看到了嗎 今晚我們最好的朋友也在這里
and, see, tonight our best friends are here...
- 克里瑞一家 還有 - 稍等
- the Clearys, and... - Wait a minute.
克里瑞一家也來了
The Clearys are here?
你沒開玩笑嗎 哪里
You're kidding me. Where?
那邊
Over there.
真是見鬼了
Well, I will be damned.
好激動啊 克瑞一家都來了
Well, that is exciting. The Clearys are here.
哇哦
Wow.
不管如何
Anyhow,
我想問下是否可以讓我的丈夫
I was wondering if you could find a way
在一個稍微好點的時間段出演
to give my husband a better time...
最好是十一點半之前
preferably before 11:30.
他自己怎么不來說
Why isn't he over here?
- 什么 - 周六夜先生
- What? - Mr. Saturday Night.
為什么不是他自己來協商時間
Why isn't he asking for the time?
怎么老是你
Why are you asking for the time?
我帶了牛腩
Well, I have the brisket.
那么
So...
如果你能夠幫忙就太好了
anything you can do would be great.
謝謝啦
So thanks.
那邊看起來像是艾倫 金斯堡
That looks like Allen Ginsberg.
伊莫金 看看是不是艾倫 金斯堡
Imogene, doesn't that look like Allen Ginsberg?
每個到這里的人看著都像是艾倫 金斯堡
Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.
- 嘿 這里 - 嘿
- Hey, there, kitten. - Hi.
這種地方真是臟亂差啊
This place is perfectly filthy.
你應該去看看洗手間
You should see the bathroom.
不要去
Don't go in the bathroom.
看來我是一定要去看看了
Well, now I'm definitely going in the bathroom.
不 不 這個我來
No, no. I got this.
一般窮困潦倒的藝術家不用付錢
A starving artist never pays.
我可不是窮困潦倒的藝術家
I'm not a starving artist.
你的毛衣已經暴露你了
Your sweater tells another story.
這是你們的
Here you go.
那么 他說什么了
So? What did he say?
他不在
He wasn't there,
但是那位女士說她會盡量安排的
but the lady said she'd work it out.
這里有誰是喜歡 山比利 波爾卡的
Now who here likes hillbilly polka?
好的 接下來 有位女士
All right, next up, a lady
將會乘著船來到這里
fresh off some boat from somewhere.
我到底什么時候上呢
When the hell am I going on?
不知道 應該很快了
I don't know. Soon.
珍妮特 肖
Janet Shaw.
開始
All right.
這首詩是關于
This poem is about...
斯波坎
Spokane.
斯波坎
Spokane...
斯波坎
Spokane.
斯波坎
Spokane.
男人
Man.
我很快回來
I'll be right back.
隆隆作響的運木車
Rumble of lumber trucks.
斯波坎
Spokane.
- 她去哪里了 - 誰
- Where is she? - Who?
那個看著像住在橋洞的人
The one who looks like she lives under a bridge.
蘇西 她出去了
Susie. She went out.
你知道去哪了嗎
Do you know where?
這種事誰會問啊
God, no. Who would ask?
這些都是本土的強盜
Robbers of the indigenous.
- 應該沒有幾分鐘了 - 斯波坎
- Any minute now. - Spokane.
凱蒂 我們還是下次再約吧
Kitten, we're going to have to take a rain check.
不過表演還是挺精彩
It was a blast, though.
不 等下 還等幾分鐘吧
No, wait... wait just a few minutes.
我們也要回家了
We got to head home, too.
- 我們還不能走 - 我明早有個早會
- We can't leave. - I have an early morning meeting.
要我說咱們告訴大家 他是艾倫 金斯堡
I say we just tell everybody it was Allen Ginsberg.
到你了
You're up.
什么 他剛剛說了什么
What? What did he say?
我想她剛剛說到你了
I think she said you're up.
太好了
Goodie.
男人
Man.
謝謝 珍妮特 肖
Thank you Janet Shaw.
現在不需要去斯波坎了
Don't need to go to Spokane now.
好了 接下來是一出喜劇
All right, up next, we have a comedian.
到你了 快去 鬧翻全場
That's you. Go. Be funny.
喬爾 麥瑟爾
Joel Maisel.
哇哦
Whoo!
謝謝 非常感謝
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
太興奮了
So exciting.
那么
So...
我的毛衣
my sweater...
其實這是一件新毛衣
It's a new sweater,
但是是我夫人帶來個給我的
but I asked my wife to bring it to me
因為白天我要工作
because I work during the day,
她這樣帶來了 然后我就穿上了
so she does, and I put it on.
發現都是 洞
Holes.
全是洞的毛衣
Holes in my sweater.
然后我就問 這到底是怎么回事
So I asked, "How did this happen?"
然后她回答 蛀蟲
And she says "Moths."
然后我就問 蛀蟲 什么蛀蟲
And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?"
然后她回答 泰德
And she says "Ted."
泰德斜紋蛀蟲
"Ted the Moth."
他很前衛啊
He's very avant garde.
這 這就是 這件事就是這樣
Th-That was just... That was just something
這樣 發生的
that, happened.
好了 那么
Okay. So...
另外 我今天要說的是
anyhow, this is,
一位媒體經紀人與亞伯 林肯的談話
a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.
嘿 亞伯 甜心 格蒂斯怎么樣
Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettys...
不好意思 你們 你們是否看過這本書
Sorry. Did... Did any of you read the book.
《隱秘的說服者》
The Hidden Persuaders?
是關于營銷代理的
It's about marketing agents,
他們必須創造一個人物亞伯 林肯
and they had to create Abe Lincoln.
我是說 如果他們必須創造亞伯 林肯
I mean, if they had to create Abe Lincoln.
這本書和我要講的無關
The book's not about that.
這個 這個
This... this bit...
不管怎樣
Anyhow...
嗨 亞伯 葛底斯堡進攻得怎么樣
Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettysburg?
有點吃力嗎
Kind of a drag?
亞伯 你知道在賓夕法尼亞州的那些小鎮嗎
Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns...
他們都一樣
you seen one, you seem them all.
有什么問題
What's the problem?
你想把胡子剃掉嗎
You're thinking of shaving it off?
亞伯 你還不懂嗎
Abe, don't you see?
那和領結不搭調啊
That's, That doesn't go with the string tie and b...
難道你不覺得這和你形象掛鉤嗎
Don't you see that's part of the image?
看到了 披肩 火爐帽
Right, with the shawl and the stove
還有領結
pipe hat and the string tie.
是你要我說我的毛衣的
You told me to talk about my sweater.
我知道
I know.
我只是讓你把它
I just thought you'd put it
當作一個笑話來講
into some sort of joke form or something.
對不起
Sorry.
別寫
Don't.
Orange 字幕組
原創翻譯 雙語字幕
需要我幫你拿什么嗎
Can I get you anything?
你在干什么呢
What are you doing?
我要走了
I have to go.
我必須離開
I have to leave.
你 我必須要離開你
You. I have to leave you.
那是我的箱子
That's my suitcase.
是嗎
It is?
你是要拿著我的行李箱離開我嗎
You going to leave me with my suitcase?
喬爾 明天是贖罪日
Joel, tomorrow's Yom Kippur.
我 我 我不開心
I'm... I'm... I'm not happy.
沒有人是開心 明天是贖罪日
Nobody's happy. It's Yom Kippur.
我不知道該怎么做
I don't know how to do this.
我不擅長這種事情
I'm not good at things like this.
什么事情 離開我嗎
Things like what? Like leaving me?
- 是的 - 那就別走 先練練吧
- Yes. - So don't. Practice a little.
等你更有信心再試吧
Try it again when you feel more confident about the moves.
- 米琪 - 喬爾 拉比就要來了
- Midge... - Joel, the rabbi is coming.
猶太教眾人的精神領袖 宗教導師
我知道
Yeah. I know he is.
五年里我們一直希望他來
Five years we've been trying to get the rabbi,
今年終于得償所愿 拉比終于要來了
and this year we got him. We got the rabbi.
- 我該走了 - 不 求你別走
- I should go. - No. P-Please.
我不明白
I don't understand.
我以為我的人生會與眾不同
I thought my life was going to be something different.
我以為我會與眾不同
I thought I was going to be someone different,
但今晚簡直糟糕透頂
but tonight was just so terrible.
一屋子的人看著我丟人現眼
I mean, a whole room full of people just watching me bomb.
就是個糟糕的夜晚而已
It was one stupid night.
我站在那里 簡直想死
And I'm up there dying,
然后我想起上周
and I'm thinking about last week.
我們在聚會上 拉比講了
We're in temple, and the rabbI tells
那個索多瑪和蛾摩拉的愚蠢笑話
that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke,
圣經中的兩座城市 居住著道德敗壞罪惡深重的人群
突然之間整個集會上的人都瘋了
and suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts.
- 然后呢 - 他在五分鐘里得到的笑聲
- So? - He got more laughs in five minutes
比我在五個月里得到的還要多
than I did in five months.
你不會是嫉妒拉比吧
You're jealous of the rabbi?
他進過集中營 我們不過是可憐他
He was in Buchenwald. Throw him a bone.
法西斯曾在布痕瓦爾德設立過集中營
你有沒有想過你可能會成就大事
Did you ever think you were supposed to be something,
然后突然你發現你其實一無是處
and, and you suddenly realize you're not?
有啊 我結婚了
Yes. Married.
- 呵呵 挺好 你挺好的 - 喬爾 拜托
- That's good. You're good. - Joel, please.
我永遠也成不了專業的喜劇演員 米琪 永遠都成不了
I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge. Never.
是啊 你說的對
No, of course not.
你什么意思 什么叫我說得對
What do you mean, of course not?
你問我什么意思是什么意思
What do you mean, what do I mean?
那你以為在俱樂部的那些夜晚是做什么
What did you think all those nights at the club were?
我覺得挺有意思的
I thought they were fun.
我以為那就是我們夫妻倆找找樂子
I thought they were our fun couples thing,
就像摩根斯頓夫婦打高爾夫
like how the Morgensterns play golf
或是梅耶夫婦跳交際舞
or how the Meyers ballroom dance
還有萊文夫婦每周都要假裝他們來自華沙
or how the Levins pretend they're from Warsaw once a week
這樣去那家波蘭餐館吃熏腸
to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant
- 就能打個九折 - 我真是不敢相信
- that does Kielbasa Night. - I can't believe this.
我從不知道你把這當真了
I never knew you were serious about it.
我當然是認真的 米里亞姆
Of course I was serious, Miriam.
到底是什么讓你認為我不是認真的
What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious?
首先 你模仿別人的表演
Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act.
我告訴過你 大家一開始都這么干
I told you, everybody does that when they start.
如果你想做喜劇演員
If you wanted to be a comedian,
你至少應該自己寫一個笑話吧
you should have at least written a joke.
我不是寫了那個什么泰德的笑話嘛
I tried with the Ted thing.
- 那是我寫的 - 然而失敗了
- I wrote the Ted thing. - And it bombed.
- 因為你沒有發揮好 - 算了吧
- Because you killed it. - Forget it.
- 喬爾 不要這樣 你還有工作啊
Joel, come on. You have a job.
但喜劇是我的夢想
Yet the comedy was a dream.
你知道夢想是什么嗎
Do you know what a dream is?
夢想是促使你做討厭的工作
A dream is what keeps you going
的動力
in a job you hate.
你什么時候開始討厭你的工作了
Since when do you hate your job?
你知道我是做什么的嗎 米琪
Do you know what I do, Midge?
你是副總裁
You're the vice president of...
不 不 不 不
No, no, no, no.
你知道我每天都在干什么嗎
Do you know what I do every day?
日復一日
Day in and day out,
我到底在工作中做些什么
what the actual physical machinations of my job are?
- 我不知道 - 我也不知道
- No. - Neither do I!
我去開會 接電話
I take meetings. I take phone calls.
各種翻閱文件
I shuffle paper around,
可是我還是不知道
and I have no idea
我他媽到底在干什么
of what the hell I actually do.
可能如果你知道 你就會更喜歡它了
Maybe if you did, you'd like it more.
我只是以為
I just thought,
又是牛腩 又是筆記本
with the brisket and the notebook,
你還以為你理解我
I thought you understood.
對不起
I'm sorry.
我也對不起你
Yeah. Me, too.
但是 喬爾 你不能就這么走了
But, Joel, you can't just leave.
我愛你
I love you.
我們有家 也有孩子
We have a home. We have children.
- 他們會知道的 - 我必須走
- They're going to notice. - I have to go.
不 不要 等等 我會改的
No, no, no. Wait. I will be better.
我會改 我 我會多關注你
I will do better. I... I'll... I'll pay more attention.
你可以辭職
You can quit your job.
我們可以每晚都去俱樂部
We can go to the club every single night,
我多買幾個筆記本
and I'll buy more notebooks.
我出軌了
I've been having an affair.
已經有好幾個月了
It's been going on for months.
我以為這只是一時沖動 但現在
I thought it was a phase, but now...
和誰出軌
Who?
潘妮
Penny.
你的秘書
Your secretary.
你要離開我 就為了一個
You're leaving me for a girl
連削鉛筆都不會的女孩
who can't figure out how to sharpen pencils?
跟她無關 而且那是個新款卷筆刀
It's not about her, and it was a new sharpener.
電動的 她只要往里推就行了
It was electric. All she had to do was push.
你還不明白嗎 我需要重新開始
Don't you understand? I need to start over.
和她 她贏了嗎
With her? She wins?
這不是比賽
It's not a contest.
我只是不想要這種生活
I just don't want this life,
這種上西區的生活
this whole upper West Side,
六口之家 教堂里最好的位置
classic six, best seats in temple.
一個妻子 兩個孩子
Wife, two kids.
我只是
I just don't...
不想要這種生活
want it.
你會告訴你父母嗎
So you'll tell your parents for me?
這可是你說過的最有意思的話了
That might be the funniest thing you've ever said.
- 親愛的 - 明天就是贖罪日
- Honey... - Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.
猶太人一年中最重要的圣日
有三十個人和一位拉比
I have 30 people and a rabbi
會來吃早飯
coming over for break fast,
這種時候你決定
and this is the moment you decide
告訴我你要和你那腦子不好使的秘書
to tell me you're going to ride off into the sunset
一起離開尋求新生活
with your half-wit secretary.
我想說
Can I just say
你挑了個最差的時機
that you have the worst timing ever?
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
走吧 滾吧
Go on. Get out.
出去的時候拿幾支筆
Grab some pens on your way out.
你會用得上的
You're going to need them.
晚上好 麥瑟爾先生
Good evening, Mr. Maisel.
要出門旅行嗎
Going on a trip?
爸爸
Papa.
羅斯
Rose.
爸爸
Papa.
羅斯
Rose.
爸爸 等等 我 我想
Papa, wait. I... I just...
- 羅斯 - 我在這 天啊
- Rose! - I'm here. My God.
你穿的這是什么 一點也不苗條
What are you wearing? It's not thinning.
我要跟你們說一件事
I have something to tell you.
你倆最好坐下
You should both sit.
喬爾離開了
Joel left.
他打包了我的行李箱
He packed up my suitcase,
然后離開了
and he left.
他走了
He's gone.
喬爾離開了你
Joel left you?
是的
Yes.
為什么 你做了什么
Why? What did you do?
我什么也沒做啊
Nothing. I didn't do anything.
他 他愛上了他的秘書
He's... He's in love with his secretary.
你知道嗎 你知道他有外遇嗎
Did you know this? Did you know he was having an affair?
我當然不知道
Of course I didn't know.
- 上帝啊 - 那個女孩 她
- God. - The girl, is she...
天啊 她懷孕了嗎
My God. Is she pregnant?
操
Shit.
你跟他也這么說話嗎
Did you talk like that around him?
你是不是說臟話了
Did you use sailor talk?
不 我沒有說臟話
No, I didn't use sailor talk.
她肯定是懷孕了 除非女朋友懷孕
She must be pregnant, a man doesn't leave
否則男人是不會離開的
unless the girlfriend is pregnant.
他在里面干什么呢
What the hell is he doing in there?
- 他很生氣 - 生我的氣嗎
- He's mad. - At me?
- 小點聲 他們會聽到的 - 誰會聽到
- Shh. They'll hear. - Who'll hear?
- 他們 - 他們是誰
- Them. Them. - Who is them?
天啊 媽媽
God, Mama.
爸爸
Papa.
爸爸
Papa.
你為什么要生氣 我什么也沒做錯
Why are you mad? I didn't do anything wrong.
當年我同意讓你去
When I agreed to send you
那個昂貴的異教大學的時候
to that fancy goyische college,
我是怎么跟你說來著
what was the one thing I told you?
他們的熟食很難吃
They'll have terrible deli?
更重要的事
The important thing I told you.
那就是關于熟食的 沒錯
That was about deli, too.
另一件重要的事
The other important thing I told you!
不要選擇軟弱的男人
Don't pick a weak man.
- 這又不是我的錯 - 這當然是你的錯
- This isn't my fault! - Of course it's your fault.
操
Shit!
媽媽 求你不要哭了
Mama, please stop crying.
任何發生在我們身上的不幸都是我們自己的錯
Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault.
他是個好丈夫 也很顧家
He was a good husband. He was a good provider.
你現在打算怎么辦
What are you going to do now?
你的孩子打算怎么辦
What are your children going to do?
媽媽 看在上帝份上
Mama, for the love of God,
請不要在臥室哭了
please stop crying in that bedroom!
這不公平
This isn't fair.
不
No!
這好多了 謝謝
Much better. Thanks.
生活從來就不公平 而是艱難又殘忍
Life isn't fair. It's hard and cruel.
你必須謹慎擇友 以備戰爭來臨
You have to pick your friends as if there's a war going on.
你必須選一個會為你擋子彈的丈夫
You want a husband who'll take a bullet for you,
而不是只會指著閣樓
not one who points to the attic
說"它們在上面"的男人
and says "They're up there."
你怎么能這么說喬爾
How can you say that about Joel?
- 你從前很喜歡他的 - 我看透了他的本質
- You liked him. - I knew what he was.
那你怎么不告訴我
Why didn't you tell me, then?
- 我告訴過你 - 你什么時候告訴過我
- I did tell you! - When did you tell me?
你第一次把他帶到家里的時候
When you first came home with him.
那天晚上 我看著你
That night. I looked at you.
我問你 這就是你的選擇嗎
I asked, "Is this the choice?"
你說是的
And you said yes.
這就算告訴過我嗎
That was telling me?
我還要一字一句解釋給你聽嗎
I have to spell it out for you?
喬爾生病了 一切都好
Joel's sick. Everything's fine.
什么都不要跟拉比說
Not a word of this to the rabbi.
我要去洗個澡
I'm going to take a bath.
聽我說 米里亞姆
You listen to me, Miriam.
你還是個孩子 根本受不了這種事
You are a child. You cannot survive this.
我對喬爾沒什么好感 但你需要丈夫
Now, I am no fan of Joel's, but you need a husband.
兩個孩子也需要父親
And those children need a father.
那我該怎么做 去商店里買一個嗎
What am I supposed to do, go buy one at Zaybar's?
去洗洗臉 穿上他最喜歡的裙子
You fix your face. Put on his favorite dress.
然后去找他 帶他回家
Then you go out, find him, and make him come back home.
麥瑟爾夫人 您還好嗎
Mrs. Maisel, you all right?
- 您需要出租車嗎 - 不用
- Do you need a cab? - Nope.
我坐地鐵
Gonna take the subway.
外面天氣很糟糕
It's miserable out here.
里面也好不到哪去
It's miserable in there, too.
百老匯大街
瞧 永無休止的戰爭
See, the eternal war is here.
噢 勝利 忘了你的內褲吧
O victory, forget your underwear.
我們自由了
We're free.
我是
I'm...
我把我的耐熱玻璃碗忘這兒了 我現在要拿回去
I left my Pyrex here. I'd like it back.
- 你的什么 - 耐熱玻璃碗 我的耐熱玻璃碗
- Your what? - Pyrex. My Pyrex.
- 不知所云 - 就是耐熱玻璃碗
- Nope. - It's a Pyrex.
- 是的 你說了很多遍了 - 耐熱玻璃碗
- Yeah, you keep saying that. - Pyrex.
就是一個烤制玻璃碗 非常耐用
It's a glass baking dish, very durable.
冷熱交替都不會開裂
It can go from hot to cold without cracking.
我們不提供食物
We don't serve food here.
我知道 不是你們的
I know. It's not yours.
是我的 我帶過來的
It's mine. I brought it here.
- 為什么 - 我燉了牛腩
- Why? - I made a brisket f...
現在說這真的重要嗎
Is that really important right now?
我的玻璃碗在這里 我現在要拿走
My dish is here. I'd like it back.
你能幫我找下嗎
Can you make that happen?
這地方一到晚上就越來越奇怪
This place gets so weird late.
講的很深刻
That was deep,
克里斯蒂安 誰知道呢
Christian, I think. Who knows?
好了 接下來
Okay, next up.
各位 請不要離席 我馬上回來
Folks, just sit tight. I'll be right back.
邦妮 我的節目列表單呢
Bonnie, where's my set list?
所以就是這些嗎
So this is it?
這就是夢想 獨自站在
This is the dream... standing up here
這個臟兮兮 黏糊糊的舞臺上
on this filthy, sticky stage all alone.
沒有夢想了 你就不想要我
Couldn't have that, you didn't want me.
是因為這個嗎 喬爾
Was that it, Joel?
誰是喬爾
Who's Joel?
什么
What?
誰是喬爾
Who's Joel?
我丈夫
My husband.
我們聽不到你說話
We can't hear you.
噓 噓 噓
Shh, shh, shh.
抱歉
Sorry.
喬爾是和我在一起四年的丈夫
Joel is my husband of four years,
然而今晚他離開了
and tonight he left.
喔
Whoo!
謝謝 非常感謝
Thank you. Thank you very much.
是的 他離開了 喬爾
Yep. He left... Joel.
離開了 他拿著我的行李箱 然后離開了
Left. He packed up my suitcase and left.
我不得不向拉比撒謊
I'm going to have to lie to the rabbi
解釋為什么喬爾不在家
about why Joel's not there.
在贖罪日向拉比撒謊
Lying to the rabbI on Yom Kippur.
在他媽在這種日子 都不能潔身自守
I couldn't get a clean slate for one fucking day.
我不明白這是怎么回事
I don't understand what's going on.
我也是 姐妹 我也是
Me, either, sister, me, either.
有太多疑問在我腦子里盤旋
There are so many questions spinning around in my head.
為什么他會離開
Why did he leave?
我做的還不夠好嗎
Why wasn't I enough?
他們為什么不把舞臺安置在對面墻邊
And why didn't they put the stage over there
而是對著這邊的廁所
against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom
所以在這邊你就不得不聽到
so you wouldn't have to listen to every giant bowel movement
每個上廁所的人發出的聲音
that takes place in there?
是的 聲音之大如雷貫耳
Yeah. Clear as a bell.
抱歉 我有點小醉
I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk.
什么都沒了
It's all gone.
我所指望的一切都沒了
Everything I've counted on is gone.
你現在舒服了嗎
You feeling better now?
今天我的生活徹底土崩瓦解了
So my life completely fell apart today.
我有沒有提到我老公離開了我
Did I mention that my husband left me?
喔喔
Whoo-hoo!
好吧 好吧 但我沒有提到
All right. All right. But did I mention
他是因為他的秘書離開我的吧
that he left me for his secretary?
她21歲 笨手笨腳就像布瑞羅護墊
She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad.
我也不傻 我知道男人都喜歡笨女孩
And I'm not naive. I know that men like stupid girls.
對吧
Right?
但我以為喬爾會好點
But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid.
我以為他想要的是自發和智慧的女人
I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit.
我以為他想要的是有所挑戰
I thought he wanted to be challenged.
你知道我是什么意思嗎
You know what I mean?
你們倆將永遠在一起
You two are going to be together forever.
我告訴你這么多
I'll tell you this much.
我是一個很棒的妻子
I was a great wife.
我風趣 我會安排主題之夜
I was fun. I planned theme nights.
我衣著不凡 我給他生兒育女
I dressed in costumes. I gave him kids...
一兒一女
a boy and a girl.
是的 我們的小女兒一天天看起來
And yes, our little girl is looking
越來越像 溫斯頓 丘吉爾了
more and more like Winston Churchill
你知道 就是大額頭
every day, you know, with that big Yalta head.
但這也不至于讓他離開 對吧
But that's not a reason to leave, right?
真的嗎 真的嗎 我剛吐槽完廁所你就要去嗎
Really? Really? After what I just said about the bathroom?
丟不丟人
Walk of shame.
丟不丟人
Walk of shame!
我愛過他
I loved him.
我也向他表明了我愛過他
And I showed him I loved him.
喔
Whoo!
那些說猶太女孩
All that shit they say
閨房的段子
about Jewish girls in the bedroom?
那不是真的 那些法國妓女
Not true. There are French whores
站在馬萊區附近說到
standing around the Marais District
你有沒有聽到米琪那天晚上
saying "Did you hear what Midge did
對喬爾的蛋蛋做了什么
to Joel's balls the other night?"
我真不敢相信這一切發生了
I can't believe this is happening.
我不敢相信我輸給了潘妮 潘
I can't believe I'm losing him to Penny Pan.
這是小三的名字 很差勁 對吧
That's her name. Terrible, right?
潘妮 潘 潘妮 平底鍋
Penny Pan. Penny Pan.
硬幣 平底鍋
Penny Pan.
我算是失去理智了
And I'm officially losing my mind,
這很好
which is perfect.
現在我是形單影只 肆言如狂
Now I will be alone and crazy,
著名的上西區離婚女
the famous mad divorcé of the upper West Side.
上西區 真的 在哪兒
Upper West Side? Really? Where?
阿姆斯特丹72號
72nd and Amsterdam.
拐角有庭院的
That place on the corner
- 那個地方嗎 - 就是那個
- with the courtyard? - That's the one.
很不錯 我們也看過那個地方
That's nice. We looked there.
但是壁櫥太小了
But the closets were so small,
我想要一個化妝間
and I wanted a powder room.
你知道嗎 我兩次看見她
Do you know I've seen her twice
襯衣都穿反了
with her shirt on inside out?
潘妮 兩次
Penny. Twice.
一次 好吧 你可能早上太著急了
Once, fine. You were rushed in the morning.
兩次 你只能在鄉村集市上
Twice, you can only be trusted
給別人的玉米刷黃油了
to butter people's corn at the county fair.
最糟糕的是
And here's the worst thing.
我知道這樣說可能會顯得小肚雞腸
And I know this is shallow and petty and small,
但她甚至一點都不漂亮
but she's not even that pretty.
她的腳踝和她的小腿
Her ankles and her calves
一樣寬
are the same width.
抱歉 但看看我
And I'm sorry, but look at me.
我還和結婚的時候的身材一樣
I am the same size now that I was at my wedding.
拜托 有這樣的完美玉體哪個男人
And come on, who wouldn't want to come home
每天晚上不會飛奔回家
to this every night?
好吧 好吧
Okay. All right.
也許今天不太適合評判
Maybe today's not the best day to judge.
我剛才哭過 臉都腫了
I've been crying, and my face is all puffy,
那 那就
and just... just...
忽略我的腦袋 現在 從脖子往下
Ignore my head. Now, from here down,
誰不會為了這樣的完美玉體飛奔回家呢
who wouldn't want to come home to this?
事實上 我現在有點腫
Actually, I'm a little bloated right now.
我喝了太多紅酒 我的胃有點
I drank a lot of wine, and my stomach is sort of...
我能借用下這個嗎
Can... can I borrow that?
謝謝
Thank you.
好了 忽略這個 忽略這個
Okay. Ignore this, ignore this.
但想象一下每天晚上都為此飛奔回家
But imagine coming home to these every night.
喔
Whoo!
是啊
Yeah.
是啊 很不賴 對吧
Yeah, they're pretty good, right?
而且它們依然珠圓玉潤 呼之欲出
Plus they're standing up on their own.
- 媽的 - 說真的
- Shit. - Seriously,
潘妮 潘壓根就沒有辦法
there's no fucking way
和這樣的波濤胸涌競爭
that Penny Pan can compete with these tits!
所以就算你不能成為單口喜劇演員又能怎么樣
So what if you're never going to be a stand-up comedian.
看看每天在家門口迎接你的是什么
Look at what greets you at the door.
- 糟了 - 趕緊從臺上下來
- Shit. - Get down from there right now.
你以為鮑伯 紐哈特在家里也有這樣的一對嗎
You think Bob Newhart's got a set of these at home?
可能有一堆吧
Rickles, maybe.
啊 嘿
Aah! Hey!
跟我走
Let's go.
- 嘿 他媽的潘妮 潘 - 太棒啦
- Hey, fuck Penny Pan! - Bravo!
這不是你們想的那樣
This is not what you think.
她就是一個家庭主婦 她不知道規矩
She's a housewife. She doesn't know the rules.
好 好 我們到局里再說
Yeah, yeah. We can discuss it at the station.
- 局里 什么局 - 拜托
- Station? What station? - Come on.
下周再來
Come back next week!
我不知道到底怎么回事
I don't understand what's going on.
你被逮捕了
You're under arrest.
- 什么 為什么 - 公然猥褻罪
- What? Why? - Public indecency
沒有表演執照就上臺表演
and performing without a cabaret license.
這也需要執照嗎 真的假的
You need a license to do that? Seriously?
是的 是的 你可以和后座上的
Yeah, yeah. You can bitch all about it
朋友接著吐槽
to your friend in the back seat there.
- 進去 - 坐進去
- Go ahead. - Get in there.
嘿 嘿 嘿
Hey! Hey! Hey!
嘿
Hey.
嗨
Hi.
走吧
Here you go.
謝謝 朱迪
Thanks, Judy.
你保釋我出來的
You bailed me out?
我今年該做的好事
My good deed for the year.
你被強暴了嗎
You get chick raped?
沒有吧
I don't think so.
- 給你 - 還是晚上嗎
- Here. - It's still night out.
是的
Yep.
我感覺不一樣
I feel different.
你就進去了20分鐘
You were in there for 20 minutes.
20分鐘也能改變人生
20 minutes can change you.
- 不見得 - 我現在是一個有前科的人了
- Not really. - I'm a con now.
- 不完全是 - 我被記錄在案了
- Not quite. - I've got a rap sheet.
- 不 你沒有 - 我很傷心
- No, you don't. - I'm hard.
我是一個傷心被人拋棄的女人 我的頭發變白了嗎
I'm a hard, used woman. Is my hair gray?
- 不 沒有 - 感覺好像變白了
- No, it's not. - It feels gray.
上帝啊
Jesus Christ.
我擁有的一切
I had it all.
我擁有了我一直想要的一切
I had everything I'd always wanted,
現在一切都土崩瓦解了
and now it's all falling apart.
好了 走吧
Okay. Come on.
? 誰現在感到抱歉了 ? ♪ Who's sorry now? ♪
罐頭魚酒吧
米奇
Mikey.
看看這里的人
Look at all the people.
? 誰的心 ? ♪ Whose heart... ♪
看起來都很快樂 他們都嗨了嗎
They look so happy. Are they high?
是的 他們都嗨了
Yes, they are.
一定很有趣
Must be nice.
天啊 我好累
God, I'm so tired.
我感覺我從來都沒有過這么疲憊過
I don't think I've ever been so tired.
吃點堅果吧
Have some nuts.
你都沒注意到我穿的不是自己的鞋子嗎
Do you notice I'm not wearing my own shoes?
我沒注意 也不知道發生了什么
I'm not. Don't know what happened, either.
現在我就一個有著前科白發蒼蒼的孤家寡人
Now I'm just a single, gray-haired ex-con
穿著別人的鞋子
drinking hooch and eating old nuts
喝著烈酒 吃著過期的堅果
in someone else's shoes.
聽著 如果你仍然因為你的丈夫心煩意亂
Listen, if you're still upset about your husband,
別這樣了 那個家伙就是個騙子 是個軟蛋
don't be. The guy was a fraud and a loser.
- 你不了解他 - 我知道他剽竊了鮑伯 紐哈特的表演
- You don't know him. - I know he was doing Bob Newhart's act.
每個人都剽竊 對嗎
Everybody steals, right?
你就沒有
You didn't.
我沒有什么
I didn't what?
今晚有家庭聚會
House party tonight.
剽竊 你沒有剽竊
Steal. You didn't steal.
你的那些胡說八道完全是原創的
Your shit was totally original.
別誤會 有一點粗糙
Don't get me wrong. It was rough,
但我告訴你 你有一定的潛力
but I'm telling you, there is definitely something there.
如果我能讓巴茲死了
I'm thinking maybe we can meet somewhere,
我覺得也許我們會在別的地方遇見 更大一點的俱樂部
bigger club, if I could just get Baz to die.
- 你在說什么呢 - 說你的表演
- What are you talking about? - About your act.
我沒有表演
I don't have an act.
等我們敲定了你就有了
You will when we're done.
我不明白
I don't understand.
你應該表演單口 我可以幫你
You should do standup, and I can help you.
- 拜托 - 我說真的
- Come on. - I'm serious.
- 我就是一個當媽的 - 好 我們就利用這點
- I am a mother. - Great. We'll use that.
你的孩子們的一些趣聞軼事
One of your kids do something weird?
今晚完全是一次獨立偶然事件
Tonight was an isolated incident.
我可以吃點藥來
There are medications I can take
確保不會再發生這種事情
to make sure that never happens again.
聽著 15年來
Look, 15 years
我一直都在俱樂部工作
I've been working in clubs, okay?
15年我眼看著各種蠢貨
15 years watching every kind of loser
上臺幻想著他就是杰克 本尼
get up there thinking he's Jack Benny.
我曾經只看到兩個人說的不錯
Twice have I seen someone deliver the goods.
第一次 那個家伙走上臺
First time, guy walks in...
來自西海岸 皮膚曬的黝黑 傲慢無禮的要命
West Coast, suntanned, arrogant pain in the ass.
一開口說三個字 我就知道了
Three words into his act, I fucking knew it.
我轉向巴茲 對他說 那個家伙肯定會出名
I turned to Baz, and I said, "That guy's gonna be famous."
- 他是誰 - 莫特 薩爾
- Who was he? - Mort Sahl.
他很棒 我們去年在格羅辛格看了他的表演
He's good. We saw him at Grossinger's last year.
是的 第二次就是今天晚上
Yeah, well, the second time was tonight.
別說了
Stop it.
我相信我的直覺
I know I'm right about this,
就像我知道的那樣 除非我有足夠的錢
just like I know that unless I somehow get rich enough
去雇一些德國人 在我年老的時候
to hire some German broad to walk me around the park
每天陪我在公園里散步兩次
twice a day in my old age,
我將獨自度過我的一生
I'm gonna spend my entire life alone.
那不是真的
That's not true.
好吧 我不介意孤獨終老
It's fine. I don't mind being alone.
我只是不想變的無足輕重
I just do not want to be insignificant.
你呢
Do you?
難道你不想做一些別人做不到的事情
Don't you want to do something no one else can do?
以別的身份被記住 而不是媽媽
Be remembered as something other than a mother
或家庭主婦 或者共產主義者
or a housewife or member of the Communist Party?
我什么時候成了共產主義者了
When did I become a member of the Communist Party?
你拿起那張傳單的那一刻
The minute you took that flyer.
什么 狗屁
What? Shit.
不
No.
不 不 不 不
No, no, no, no, no.
今天是贖罪日 我應該禁食的
It's Yom Kippur. I'm supposed to be fasting,
來彌補我在上帝眼中的罪惡
atoning for my sins in the eyes of God.
- 所以呢 - 我吃了花生
- So? - So I'm eating peanuts.
你還向半個格林威治村的人展示了你的雙峰了呢
You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village.
你認為幾顆破堅果就會惹他生氣嗎
You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss Him off?
- 我得走了 - 嘿 別呀
- I have to go. - Hey, come on.
謝謝你幫我拿了大衣 這是我在薩克斯百貨店全款買的
Thank you for my coat. I paid full price at Saks.
嘿 回來
Hey. Come back!
米里亞姆
Miriam!
河畔大道385號
385 Riverside Drive.
等下 我看下我有錢嗎
Wait. Do I have money?
我沒帶錢
I do not have money.
我沒那么多時間 女士
I ain't got all day, lady.
再講一個笑話 所有人回家都笑懷孕了
"One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant."
? 我用我的漂亮的腳趾 ? ♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪
? 在沙灘上游走 ? ♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪
? 許多懶散的手指突然聽我的指揮 ? ♪ Lots of idle fingers snap to my command ♪
? 一雙漂亮的高跟鞋跟著節奏踢踏 ? ♪ A lovely pair of heels that kick to beat the band ♪
? 觀察周圍很讓人著迷 ? ♪ Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' ♪
? 再加上 ? ♪ Add to these... ♪
嘿 你不明白嗎
Hey, don't you see?
這是形象的一部分
That's part of the image.
是的 披著披肩戴上魔術帽
Yeah, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat
還有頂上裝飾
and the... the string top?
? 告訴整個討厭的世界 ? ♪ To tell the whole darn world ♪
你沒有披肩
You don’t have the shawl?
? 如果你碰巧不喜歡 ? ♪ If you don't happen to like it ♪
你的披肩呢 艾貝
Where’s the shawl Abe?
? 交給我吧 謝謝你的好意 ? ♪ Deal me out, thank you kindly ♪
你忘在華盛頓了
You left it in Washington?
? 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ Pass me by ♪
那你現在穿著什么
What are you wearing now?
羊毛衫嗎
Sort of cardigan?
? 從我身邊溜走 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ Pass me by, pass me by ♪
? 如果你碰巧不喜歡 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ If you don't happen to like it, pass me by ♪
? 我會告訴整個討厭的世界 ? ♪ I'll tell the whole darn world ♪
? 如果你碰見不喜歡 ? ♪ If you don't happen to like it ♪
? 交給我吧 謝謝你的好意 ? ♪ Deal me out, thank you kindly ♪
? 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ Pass me by ♪
? 從我身邊溜走 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ Pass me by, pass me by ♪
? 如果你碰巧不喜歡 從我身邊溜走 ? ♪ If you don't happen to like it, pass me by ♪
我去了煤氣燈找你
I went by the Gaslight,
他們告訴我來這兒
and they told me to come here.
這是你的公寓嗎
Is this your apartment?
是的
Yeah.
我明天早上10點再來
I'll be by tomorrow at 10.
你沒有簽長期的租約 是不是
You don't have a very long lease, do you?
因為你應該搬家
Because you should move.
嘿 你剛說了10點嗎 早上嗎
Hey, did you say 10? In the morning?
? 我用我的漂亮腳趾 ? ♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪
? 在沙灘上游走 ? ♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪
? 許多懶散的手指突然聽我的指揮 ? ♪ Lots of idle fingers snap to my command ♪
? 一雙漂亮的高跟鞋跟著節奏踢踏 ? ♪ A lovely pair of heels that kick to beat the band ♪
? 觀察周圍很讓人著迷 ? ♪ Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' ♪
百老匯大街
? 再加上我根本就不在乎 ? ♪ Add to these a nose that I can thumb ♪
你們這幫人從來都不打掃這里嗎
You guys ever gonna tale a broom to this place?
雖然我們有了青霉素 但你們也不能讓細菌肆意生長吧
We've already got penicillin. You don't need to grow it.
帶上你的東西趕緊走吧 布魯斯
Just take your things and leave, Bruce.
我錢包里有三個大麻卷
I had three joints in my wallet.
我希望都還在里面
I expect to find them all there.
如果你們這里有可卡因
If you guys have some coke back there,
我們都能開一場極樂派對了
we could have a hell of a party.
你不是我老婆
You're not my wife.
不是
No.
我以為我老婆來撈我了
I thought my wife bailed me out.
不是 是我
No. I did.
謝謝
Thanks.
我能問你個問題嗎
Can I ask you a question?
當然
Sure.
你喜歡嗎
Do you love it?
我喜歡什么
Do I love what?
喜劇 單口 你喜歡嗎
Comedy. Standup. Do you love it?
認真的嗎
Seriously?
我干這行有段時間了
Well, I've been doing it a while.
好 我這么說吧
Okay, let's put it like this.
如果這世上還有別的事情可以維持生計
If there was anything else in the entire world
我肯定會去做
that I could possibly do to earn a living,
我會的 任何事
I would. Anything.
我說的是去三K黨做干洗工
I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan,
殘疾兒童肖像畫家 屠宰場服務員
crippled kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant.
如果有人對我說
If someone said to me,
萊納德 你可以吃一個人的頭
"Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head
或者去科帕做兩周表演
or do two weeks at the Copa,"
我會說 把該死的鹽遞給我
I'd say "Pass the fucking salt."
這是一個很糟糕 很糟糕的工作
It's a terrible, terrible job.
不應該存在
It should not exist,
就像癌癥和上帝
like cancer and God.
抱歉 我跑到瓦里克警局去了
Sorry. I went to the Varick station instead.
你為什么要去哪兒
Why the hell would you do that?
因為你更喜歡去瓦里克
Because you like Varick better.
上帝啊 親愛的 這種事哪還有的選
Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick.
但你喜歡嗎
But do you love it?
Orange 字幕組
原創翻譯 雙語字幕
是的 他喜歡
Yeah. He loves it.
一
Orange字幕組 原創譯制
翻譯/Translator：一菲 若茶之香 cU 葡萄 兔子
? 有一些東西 ? ♪ There are some things ♪
? 你不能用 ? ♪ You can't cover up ♪
? 口紅和粉底來掩蓋 ? ♪ In lipstick and powder ♪
校對/Righter：大衛劉 Libsu蘇蘇
后期/Typesetter：Libsu蘇蘇
壓制/Encoder：失夢旅行
? 我聽到你提起我的名字 ? ♪ Thought I heard you mention my name ♪
監制/Coordinator：Libsu蘇蘇
? 你能不能再大聲點 ? ♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪
Orange高分冷門劇制作組
Orange字幕組 http://www.orangesub.com/
? 別靠太近 別靠太近 ? ♪ Don't come any closer, don't come any nearer ♪
幫助我們加快進度 加入QQ群489216448
? 我對你的幻想 ? ♪ My vision of you ♪
版權所有 ?2017 亞馬遜影視電視公司 Translate By OrangeSub Television Drama Team
? 不能再清晰了 ? ♪ Can't come any clearer ♪
? 我 ? ♪ I ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 我只想聽 ? ♪ I just want to hear ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 她們說這是不允許的 ? ♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 如果他們說的是 ? ♪ If they say that it's so ♪
? 難道他們不知道我現在知道 ? ♪ Don't they think that I know by now? ♪
? 每個人的口紅上都有字 ? ♪ Got the word up on everyone's lipstick ♪
? 你在慢慢凋謝 ? ♪ That you're getting faded ♪
? 你也許不是過時的女孩 ? ♪ You may not be an old-fashioned girl ♪
? 但你會去約會 ? ♪ But you're gonna get dated ♪
? 真的是謀殺嗎 ? ♪ Was it really murder? ♪
? 你是在假裝嗎 ? ♪ Were you just pretending? ♪
? 最近我聽說 ? ♪ Lately I have heard ♪
? 你最終活了下來 ? ♪ You are the living end ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 她們想知道怎么回事 ? ♪ And they want to know how ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 她們說這是不允許的 ? ♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 她們說是不允許的 ? ♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 她們認為她們知道怎么回事 ? ♪ And they think they know how ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 是的 是的 是的 是的 ? ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
? 女孩們說 ? ♪ Girls talk ♪
? 是的 是的 是的 ? ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪