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震撼性教育
现在发生的事只与我们
人类的继续进化有关
罗杰, 我是说我妹妹 应该学会看地铁示意图
你那样说是忽略了
人类之间关系的重要性
我们的能力-- 男人的能力: 看地图...
航海，使得我们有用
你该让你妹妹看都不看它
你是说我们女人方向感差?
哪边是北, 乔伊斯？不要四下看
什么?
你听到了的。指指北 快，北
北，北
- 你对了. - 他对了?
- 他对了 - 印象深刻
这是由于女人在历史上
对表现出色的男人的依赖造成的
通过不停地珩磨这些使我露脸的技术
阻止了我必然的退化
是你呆在家里珩磨录像机吧？
我的录像机三年来每天开12小时
还有什么, 罗杰?
呃, 开车上下班 举重物
- 举吉他 - 对，对
尽管笑吧
但在女人进化了移物的感应能力之前
体力仍是主要的
这就是用蛮力
罗杰, 你忘了男人的一个重要作用
是什么? 野餐?
性
对，我需要一个不光知道玩录像机的男人
噢，我会帮你调录像机 好象你从没调过
它是顶装的，你会调吗?
有趣，英格兰的一些科学家
刚宣布了他们想使鸡蛋受精...
而不用精子细胞
我不明白
人类的每个细胞里 都有一个基因组的复本
使得精子细胞倍受关注的原因是 到现在为止
只有他们掌握了此技术
克里斯多佛的一生中，人工受孕...
使得精子就象底特律装配线上的工人一样没用
幸运的是，我的会计师在几年前 就为我建了精子金伞
防止它们变小
如你所知, 罗杰, 你知道我们女人...
做爱是因为我们喜欢
- 不只为养儿育女 - 是的
- 但男人是不可或缺的吗? - 我不知道
想想女人的生殖器结构
等等，等等 好了，明白了
阴道里最敏感的是哪里呢?
- 不敢相信我们谈起了这个 - 我认为你知道, 多诺万
是阴蒂，哥伦布·里纳多斯在1559年首次发现
他原以为是印度
噢, 别别!
阴蒂顶端有8千个神经纤维
比男人身上任何部分都多
甚至我们的指尖
它是大自然创造的 最最有效的
愉悦传递系统
那好, 问问你自己...
为什么阴蒂在阴道里面...
是为了使性交自然地...
不自觉地, 给女人带来不断的愉悦?
- 我知道答案 - 你说, 梅纳德女士
因为在原始时期，女人死于生产
所以若性交过于愉悦...
就会与达尔文的观点相左
- 印象深刻 - 太对了
- 我们得到什么结论呢? - 进化对女人有利?
- 正确 - 对女人而言...
性交和性体验(?intercourse and sexual fulfillment) 从来都是两回事
新的技术使它实现
未来的女性将进化阴蒂-- "clitori, clitorati"--
"Clitorissimo."
使它更大、更长、更敏感
女人的能力，包括她自慰的欲望...
将会呈指数增长...
因为性交已与生殖无关
- 我是又困惑又吃惊 - 你该当如此
物种不是静止的 我们一直处在变化中
两性的存在只有一个原因:
到目前为止，它是繁殖后代的唯一方法
有没有只有单性的物种呢...
它没有雌雄之分?
海星是一个例子
下次看到海星时 我会让他操他自己
好了，你喜欢的
不，我们不喜欢
我们说明了什么呢?
平等? 平等, 它是什么?
它是自然法则吗?
我们坐在一起看地铁示意图
不，当然不 物竞天择
这才是自然法则
选择. 有些需要丢弃，有些要失败...
为了另外的一些被选择
那, 这是什么含义呢?
我们的后半生必须听从乔伊斯的命令
对了，我喜欢
这说明从现在起，10或15代人
男人将处于被奴役状态
科技和进化将使得
精子被排斥在生殖之外
我们最终的命运将是搬重物
等待心灵感应战胜地球引力的那一天
男人最后的用处也永远失去
永远
噢, 上帝, 罗杰
- 什么? 我完了 - 那我的报告结束
谢谢
我爱你们
好了, 就停这里
- 天哪(耶稣基督)! - 不，是我
你怎么进来的?
- 你从哪里拿到的? - 用你的复制的
- 何时? - 上星期你派我去买百吉饼
给我吧
不停地打扰我你不烦吗?
你脑子怎么了？ 一周一次怎么变成了“不停地”?
事实上，上星期是两次 包括星期五...
你把我从沉沉的甜美的梦中叫醒 还要求使用我的身体
- 你可以说不 - 什么? 开我的玩笑?
那是行动指令
我在30秒内穿好衣服 就象是自愿救火员
我发疯似地--
你应该停下来听我说 我有事要告诉你
是吗?
- 是关于我的股票, 乔伊斯 - 我知道
你不能关上水闸
- 放下 - 什么?
- 我们该停止了 - 停止什么?
上帝, 我喜欢在盥洗室看着你
你就象赛后的运动员 卸下盛装
我是说, 我们停止见面
真的?
整个事情是错的
通常，我有很好的判断力 这次，却跑到窗外去了
这件事没有错 没人知道我们
我们一起出去, 我坐在那里...
你知道, 几个小时后...
我就是旅行推销员...
你就是寂寞的家庭主妇
我需要你在此事上成熟一点 不惹事
乔伊斯, 我是你的男仆 是有教养的
成熟些，明白吗?
忘了那钥匙，好吗? 把钥匙保存在--
今晚是我们的最后一晚 让它成为美好的一晚
“告别”性从来不会美好
下星期，我们来个“重聚”性--
- 今晚我可以留下吗? - 罗杰, 不
好的
嗨，来杯科兹莫，谢谢
- 我们谈谈吧 - 对不起，我和别人在一起
让我猜猜
你是他们中的新人
或许你从别处来到纽约 一个友好的地方
起初你以独处为荣
想在这大城市中为自己留个好名声
过了一段, 你开始想 若能结识某人将会不错
冬天即将来临 有时会寂寞
还有呢?
所以你开始迷恋你的主管...
尽管办公室里的女人告诉你...
" 注意，他是个添麻烦的人 "
- 为什么他是添麻烦的人? - 因为他是做戏的
他是个收藏战利品的家伙
每个在那里工作的女人 最后都会和他上床
如果你屈服于诱惑...
你就会成为水工口里肮脏的笑话
我说的对吗?
- 是个好故事 - 是老一套
你不归纳世事的时候做些什么?
做归纳，归纳出精华所在有什么错?
见证事情的进展有什么错?
那到底发生了什么事? 有什么大发现?
我为什么要告诉你?
告诉你也不会改变什么
比如说, 我可以告诉你 你自以为是的个性
只不过是名利场中的东西
我可以告诉你 你今晚选择的性伙伴
是几个月前由几个 Young & Rubicam公司的业务员定的
我可以告诉你 可用几个星期分析一下你父亲...
和他忽略你的方式...
我可以下结论 你将无力抵抗，非常无助
我可以告诉你所有这些 但你会怎样处理这些信息呢?
有女人喜欢听这些东西吗?
我在讲我看到的事实
你将和老板上床 那关我什么事
他不是父亲 他只是个穿西服的家伙
你无力抗拒地要实现那个悲惨的
令人伤心的预言 一定要--
- 嗨 - 嗨
- 你在等人? - 是的，我未婚夫
- 祝贺你 - 谢谢
祝贺你
他是个好人吗, 你的未婚夫?
他尊重你吗?
这不关你的事 但，是的，他尊重我
- 那必会使你紧张 - 为什么那会让我紧张?
别装了
看看时间，我们一起做做算术
你在说什么?
让我猜猜, 缺少自尊...
更年前期... 忧虑使你追求一些--
无法选择的关系?
但经过自我治疗使你相信
内在美才是主要的
你能配得上那个尊重你的完美的家伙
要我叫招待员吗?
除非你是个傻子-- 但我不认为你是--
除非你是个可怜的、无助的吸毒者...
你和我都知道 那家伙将在某天清晨
他会四处看看 看看你有多老
看看你到底什么样 那天他将出去
买包烟，再也不回来
到那时-- 你怎么办?
若她看不出要发生的事 我会为她流泪的
- 能帮你什么吗，先生? - 不用，谢谢，我没事
我是说, "你有什么事?"
- 另一个家伙呢? 是-- - 他回家睡觉了
那好，我有重要事情 要马上见梅纳德·乔伊斯，所以--
我明白，为何不留个便条呢?
我要见她 这很重要
那不行，我可以...
给你叫辆车 你回家睡觉
你为什么不回家?
你知道什么? 我们有点分歧
我是她男友. 我是她男友, 明白? 你是谁? 你是谁?
我是你若不走就要叫警察的人!
罗杰, 我是苏珊 今天是星期四，我要你打--
- 罗杰, 听二线 - 是谁?
- 是关于新的活动 - 什么新活动? 是谁
- 是苏珊 - 告诉她我不在
- 她说这很重要-- - 告诉她我不在
这个 有点 傲慢 就象, "是什么?"
- 这个是, 象-- - 你喜欢傲慢?
- 这个象90年代的偶像 - 象我
- 那是你的问题 - 是你的恶梦
嗨, 罗杰 你今晚去乔伊斯那里吗?
什么?
- 你没收到邮件? - 什么邮件?
是关于晚会的?
你去吗?
乔伊斯开晚会 我不问什么，我只是去
她在开电话会议
泰德, 有人在我办公室
- 再见, 泰德 - 没事的, 堂娜, 你可以--
- 再见，堂娜 - 我5分钟后打给你
"5分钟"? 这是5分钟的问题吗?
坐下
我不想坐下 我想站着
你昨晚是不是想闯进我的大楼?
今晚为何不邀请我? 除了我大家都去
那象什么话?
- 我们要重新划分界线 - 不要
我是你的老板，你为我工作
你写得一手好文章
但我有一大帮象你这样的人
但他们做我做的那事吗?
你喜欢的那事?
我已给你解释过 我不想在公共场合见你
想办法想通这个问题
那是什么意思?
尼克?
罗杰叔叔 过得好吗?
你在这里干什么?
什么? 噢 我想看看你工作的地方
- 好的 不 你在这里干什么? - 什么?
- 你是说纽约? - 是的
我来哥伦比亚大学面试 所以妈妈说该来看看你
- 坐吧 - 好的
那些电话就是为这事了
- 电话? - 是，你妈妈给我打过电话
- 你和她谈了? - 是电话留言
她说你可以看你在这里的工作
是吗?
其实没有什么可看的, 尼克
真的? 象是，你整天干什么?
我整天干什么?
我坐在这里 想办法让人们觉得不好受
- 我以为你写商业文章 - 是的...
但若你不让人们觉得难受 就卖不了产品
为什么?
这是个替换游戏
你要提醒他们生活中缺少了什么
每个人都会有缺憾，是不是?
- 我想是的 - 相信我
当他们的这种感觉很强烈时
你说服他们 你的产品是唯一能补足这缺憾的
为此，不是采取行动处理他们的生活...
不是努力工作来消除他们的不幸的根源...
而是跑去买一堆难看的裤子
- 那么... 有意思吗? - 可以的
你看，我的一天就是这样
酷 我们去吃点东西吧
- 好的. 我们离开这里 - 很好
你吓了我一，我以为你在梦游
- 什么? 什么时候? - 在办公室?
那是站立冥想 那使我平静，谢谢
为何你要平静? 你才十几岁，谢谢
当有压力的时候，我的脑子就会晕
深思冥想会让我转移注意力 忘掉烦恼
- 烦恼? - 象恐惧和疼痛
是幻象，它呈现为阴郁三角形 这就是我
我把三角外的其它东西放到红区 还管用
你父母怎样?
- 他们离婚了 - 什么?
是的，我爸爸搬走了
- 开玩笑吧。什么时候发生的? - 不久
奶奶的葬礼后我就没见过你
- 上帝, 尼克. 我很难过 - 没什么了不起的
我还和爸爸联系 他在途中打电话
你妈妈怎样?
她很好，你知道的
- 奇怪她没和你一起来 - 或许因葬礼发生的事...
她不敢见你
那全是因为你爷爷太牛*
你何时面试?
- 就是今天 - 怎么样?
我想还行. 是因为妈妈我才面试的
- 你对大学不感兴趣? - 为何要不停地上学呢
我已经能独立处理事情了
爸爸没上大学 在我这个年龄他已经上路了
- 有什么事吗? - 没事，谢谢
但是... 上学的好处是可有很多空闲
- 对社交有好处 - 是的
所以... 妈妈说你很在行, 象个花花公子
- 她那么说的? - 但她说的象是贬意
那才象她
- 是真的吗? - 你怎么样? 有女朋友了?
没，我是说，还没有
我越来越大了 有好多事情我想能--
有好多事我还没-- 有些事我应该--
我想你是说你该有所体验
不，我是说，不是这个
你不明白 我需要有个明白人指点
我在跟你开玩笑, 尼克 那就是上大学的原因
你找个需辅导学业的足球队员 他帮你找个女友
- 你没明白 - 我明白，我也有过16岁
若上不了大学 你怎么办?
设计软件 或许做仿真游戏
很好，你是电脑高手 那能赚到钱
我给别人建系统已经赚到钱了
我在为爷爷的研究搞网页
什么，那老家伙? 他真在花钱?
是的，很大笔钱
有意思，因为他对着计算机吼 好象那是个人似的
他总是说"那狗娘养的吃了我的文件"
- 或, "她在装模做样" - 你在那里花了很多时间?
现在是这样
我放学后去 他来和我们一起吃晚餐
等等，他跟你和苏珊一起吃晚餐?
是的。因为奶奶死了，没有人照顾他
即使在离婚后，妈妈也每天去做晚饭
我是说 每天 她是个疯子
是的，她是个疯子
那么, 尼克
你需要帮助去接近女士?
好的 那我们开始 直接了当
性无处不在，它就在我们周围
它不是远不可及 它不是珠穆朗玛峰
它就在这里 你要调节好自己适应它
你必须使自己进入状态
你必须找到这一领地, 尼克. 好吗?
做到这些，我保证 一个崭新的世界将为你打开
看看我，我走路的样子充满了感知(易接受性)
- 我就象个避雷针 - 好的，不错。我做什么呢?
对入门者，要摆脱困扰和那阴郁三角
我们不排斥什么, 尼古拉斯 我们让他们来
让什么来?
这城市中有数百万女人
有数百万. 她们大都不知道 她们的身体
有无数种方法暴露给我们的眼睛
首先，学会看太阳，知道它的位置
你会发现... 逆光和透明的关系
她们穿浅色衣服 内衣直接显现出来
乳罩带，女裤带 根本不需要伸脖子或斜视
它就在那里，明白? 例如--
什么?
你要象建筑工人那样吹走我的掩护?
- 不. 我刚要-- - 用用脑子
后退. 让她过去 停几秒钟
看着，然后伪装你的动作，注意
看看手表或者呼机
或者看路标 好象你迷了路
你看到我做了一组动作 不管做什么，不要被发现
你认为女人知道发生的事吗?
她们想什么 只是股票报价、钻头尺寸
她们什么也不知道! 就让它维持这样吧
- 好的 - 你的眼睛怎么样?
- 什么? 我的眼睛? - 你的眼睛. 你的视力怎样?
- 很好. 20-20. - 好的. 远处的?
- 我不知道. 我想应该不错 - Fine's not gonna cut it.
你必须增强肌肉 就象在为奥林匹克锻炼
上、下、左、右，等等
- 看着我的手指 - 好的
- 当它消失时告诉我 - 好的
- 好的. 停 - 就这样?
在你准备好上街之前
你需要100，110度
天气好时我能看到后面
- 你玩计算机游戏? - 当然
好，那东西可训练眼力
瞬间记住映像
那很有价值 噢，在那里
蓝色运动衫. 蓝色运动衫 中间. 蓝色运动衫. 蓝色运动衫
那小姐正在-- 你没看见
- 我知道 - 只有几微秒
就是这样 但经过训练的眼睛一眼就能看到
你必须学会预见你的机会
下出租车、经过地铁壁炉
就象你久违了那里 弯腰捡起什么
这些情况下需要反应迅速
- 告诉你，我可以做到 - 你现在慢了我一步, 尼克
嗨，那不足为奇 我记得那里的样子
没有交流，没有新面孔
看着我。我每天走过大街、地铁、自动提款机队列、
办公室、运动场--
你发现什么?
俄亥俄州的年轻人坐在车里
渴望的眼神看着红灯
不，我去学校 那里有交流
好，我们就分析那里
我记得大学的楼有4层
- 现在有5层 - 不管它
那是多层的，就是说 楼梯很妙
为解决眼睛视角问题，到这来
在这个角度，高可看乳沟
- 低可看裙子 - 是的
记住，不必为用老手法而害羞
丢下铅笔，系鞋带 只是不要泄露出来
有没有反光的东西? 镜子，窗户?
什么，在学校里? 没，那里没有镜子
那个难看的玻璃奖品容器--
- 对，在那里 - 好，利用它，太好了
去那里站一会 走，走，停
若你不能直接看见 就转身用玻璃看
嗨，太棒了
记住，入射角等于反射角
就是说，若你能看见她们 她们也能看见你，要注意
- 这真是复杂 - 这是火箭科学
- 你很精于求助 - 我有一个问题
当她们穿短袖时
举手拢头发，就能从缝隙是看到
看看，这说明你在利用你的智慧
- 她们知道我们能看到吗? - 她们当然知道
乳房非常敏感 当它们暴露在空气中时 她们会知道
女人走路时会把手放在侧边吗？不会
头发总是要照顾的
我们的时刻到了 象我们行家才会准备好
好的。偷窥没问题了 但如何走第二步呢?
我想认识一位
若你不能看出这两个问题的关系
那我就帮不了你了
- 等等. 别急. 好了 - 你以为我们在这里开玩笑?
- 你认为这是玩笑? - 不，那我在这里干什么?
- 你必须使性显现出来 - 对不起
- 在你脑中，你生活中 - 好的
- 在你的精神中 - 对不起
- 好的 - 什么? 不，我不吸烟
最好学学
- 好的 - 过来
这里，在这里等
呆在我这边
对不起
进去，走，快
好的，我们进来了
好
首先，观察一下地形
看起来仍是快乐时光
有些喝酒的要走了 有很多人
对我们实现目标不太理想 但也不是不可能
我们要来个印象深刻的
Send out a signal that back here is the place to be.
你要干什么？你说什么？
管那么多? 你在把事情复杂化
你愿意整晚坐在这里 想象那美妙的曲线
那有什么好?
保持联系，不和闹事者接触，看着
嗨! 罗斯.
嗨. 过来
过来，过来，过来
嗨. 你能--
我能给你拿--
- 嗨 - 尼克说你很美
若他有此好品味 那他跟你在这里干什么?
问得好. 尼克?
- 因为他是我叔叔 - 你怎么了
如此而已 没什么大不了的，是吧?
现在她已经知道了我们在这里 我们就可以实施我们的策略了
我去拿些饮料 我去那里时，你想个钓钩
- 什么? 钓钩? - 钓钩，线，一个好藉口
现在起的每一分钟, 罗斯都会站在这里
低头看着你，你只有一个机会
或者把它扔出停车场 或者努力撑下去
准备好
噢，糟糕，噢，糟糕
你好, 尼克. 你的叔叔说 你有事情告诉我
足以让我大吃一惊
- 噢，是吗? - 是的，这是他的原话
他在开我们俩的玩笑?
不，不 他是认真的
我是说，他是... 很认真的
- 今晚 - 对不起
谢谢. 当我--
- 今晚 - 对, 我是说...
我是说今晚是一个--
今晚对我来说是一个非常重要的夜晚
我正要告诉她我们打的赌
- 打赌? - 呃. 我们赌1千元
我可以让某个人...
象是, 爱上我
真的?
爱. 那是个很难证明的东西 你说呢?
不, 我想我们可以
我相信我们可以
1千美元?
那并不能让人大吃一惊...
但它也不是我今晚听到的最差的
什么? 真的?
干得好, 尼克
- 那，值得坐下来吗? - 我在等一个朋友
她来后我让她评判
让她来这里 赌注是现金
若我们来，谁和谁坐呢?
女士们选 自然选择
我要和他坐
好，好
这是什么?
浪姆酒. 我让他调淡些 我们还有很长的路要走
- 我不喝酒 - 开什么玩笑? 喝一口
- 我不让酒精进入我体内 - 你喝掉那饮料
停止戒酒对你今晚的成功至关重要
几千年来，酒是社交的润滑剂
你想今晚坐在那里重新发明个车轮？
好的。你做了件很好的事。你撒了谎
你编了个故事 别让你那部分大脑停下
我们使那些姑娘过来 你的本能会使你敞开交谈
跟你说实话 战斗吧！让它妙趣不断
利用你的新奇感 你是酒吧中16岁的孩子
为什么? "我父亲是酒吧老板" 你只能活一个月
你是个体验生活的演员-- 我不知道，临时发挥吧
接下来, 看看时间 现在几点?
大约 7:02
- 有没有医用报警手镯? - 没, 那不是随便用的
若我死得早 我就把尸体冷冻起来
好了，不管它了 已经足够好
现在7点
到关门我们有9个小时，时间足够了
看着我, 尼克 回答我这个问题
好的
谁是历史上最伟大的篮球队员?
- 你是指任何时候? - 行了，这很简单
- 迈克尔 乔丹? - 迈克尔 乔丹.
为何他是最伟大的? 因为他为自己定了速度
因为他总是在结束时露一手
神奇的约翰逊称之为“决胜时刻” 看到那边的家伙没？
这帮家伙自以为了不起
相信我，现在还早
我们离决胜时刻还要走好久 所以要注意
- 好的 - 你说你要体验
若你真的想体验
你就该在这里忍受那帮家伙的折磨
- 什么? - 在好色与放纵之间
有很大的区别
我要体验. 好吗? 我上大学 你不认为那是折磨？
这需要很多信息
我在给你通往这王朝的钥匙
我知道
有多少和你同龄的有这种机会?
是的
那么，用手掐着脖子 喝了那冰水，那叫杜松子酒
我不管你做什么 准备好事情来临时勇敢地面对
那... 你多久, 呃...
就是, 带个人跟你回家?
每天晚上
瞎说
只因你没有性体验 并不代表我们其他人...
都坐着玩纸牌
什么纸牌?
- 什么? 什么? - 好了，好了
他们来了. 看来好蠢 他们比我大一倍
冠军拒绝失败 学学迈克
我们如约来了 来喝一杯
- 我是安德里亚, 这是索菲 - 我叫罗杰. 这是我侄子尼克
- 嗨 - 他真的象是16岁
- 我告诉你了 - 请坐
你怎么进来这里的, 尼克?
这问题你该问我的
因为我们讨论过, 还有--
不管那个了
我在享受尼克带来的神秘的气氛
- 大家干杯 - 我告诉了索菲你们的打赌
她认为你太在意了
1千美元是小事情
他必须让人爱上他?
- 一个女人 - 一个女人?
必须是个女人吗? 若是有个男人喜欢上你呢?
我想那也算，因为我们从没考虑性别
如果尼克自愿进入那个洞洞 他就可以拿到钱
- 你们在说什么? - 我不知道
- 我们在谈论什么? - 在谈论女人
特别是，欣赏女人曲线的愉悦
想象一下，整天被人欣赏是什么感觉
- 真的 - 你宁愿用假名?
- 不用假名 - 不用假名
我自己倒是喜欢 走在街上时
有几百双眼睛爱抚我的...东西(?booty) 这种感觉
男人常常这么说
是的. "我喜欢被女人盯着看"
我也会
如果没有女人听进去你说的话 而只是盯着你的胸部或胯部看
你会喜欢吗？
如果那总是以性结束 我就不在乎
你能忍受没人理你 不把你当回事吗？
如果我有什么需要说 我会等到性交后说
请不要说那么露骨的字眼
想象一下 如果在所有人公交车上
都有你的裸体巨照 会怎么样
- 还有所有的宣传栏-- - 杂志
说的好-- 那只是你的身体
有那么多的时间和金钱 花在迷恋、分析...
努力想看一眼你的身体 很快变得好似...
世界忘记了别的事情...
最后你感到...
与你的身体已分离 就象它不是你的
如果你很在乎男性的凝视
- 如果是用假名-- - 我从没说是用假名
让我们打个比方，好吗?
化化装，改头发样式
穿上杀手的服装 在周五的晚上到类似这里的地方
那就开始有意思了 因为在某个时刻...
- 你开始分析男性的凝视 - 不是最好的方式
男性的凝视. 麦迪逊大街
不管是什么，都把你当回事
你认为你能控制你找到的有魅力的人吗？
- 当然能 - 我想不能，我可以证明给你
随便问一个女人, "男人最迷人的是什么"
- 她们会怎么回答呢? - 幽默感
- 幽默感占多数，是无疑的
然而, 若两个又穷又低微 按他们自己的规则比赛的
摩托车手来到这里
把我们这两个幽默的家伙痛打一顿
邀请你去兜风，你就会去的 (膝盖发软weak at the knees)
- 不可能 - 膝盖发软
骑摩托的男人确实很性感
- 谢谢你，看到了? - 抱歉
事实是，敏感、可怜惜惜、 in-touch-with-their-feelings guys...的男人
让你作呕-- 你对他们退避三舍
比如说冰河时期 适者生存
没有什么预报，没有说教理论
最卑劣、长头发的混蛋 总是能赢
我们现在换个话题
你知道，这很有趣 这很有男子气
我是说，你们男人是谈论主题.
真的。为什么我给男人口交时--
- 索菲! - 不，没关系
为什么在我自慰时...
为什么那个男人总是坚持要看？
你不能闭上眼睛体会感觉吗？
这对女人并不是恭维
我不敢肯定那是-- 或许我们能帮忙
尼克, 参与进来 一个女人在自慰时
为什么我们要看?
或许是确认那确实在发生?
我同意 确认那不是我们的幻觉
或许把它存档 以防下次迟迟到来
两个极好答案 或许你可以好好解释一下存档?
存档干什么?
- 我不知道 - 说吧, 尼克
我们终于谈到了熟悉的话题
妈妈在厨房做果子冻
- 你把自己关进浴室-- - 别出汗, 尼克
我和三个兄弟一起长大
厕所简直就是色情博物馆 栩栩如生
你说的没错
每当听到一个男人
做女人做的有些性感的事情 就会让我作呕
- 哪类的事情? - 象撩撩头发
站的姿势，可能是任何事情
- 那有什么呢? - 因为那没意思
她无意那么做
或许她只是模仿在电影上看到的
那并不是她们的特有的
所有的这些--撩头发、特殊习惯、警句
综合到一起构成个性 所以它是真实的
是的，但那只是外表 开始是不错
你需要外表
你需要，象，有理由去爱
但你可以越过外表
而明白那些小伎俩毫无意义
我是说你被眼前的所吸引 故事结束
好浪漫
那要用多年的时间
- 是吗? - 我不能表达得准确...
但象是她不能做什么
她吸引你的方法都失去了作用
然而你仍然爱她
就象是演出已经结束...
你发现了她隐藏的部分
她仍然隐藏它 因为她认为那部分...
会使你离开 或厌倦
但你已知道那部分 你并没离开
你甚至更爱她
哇
见过我侄子没? 他的名字是耶稣
你多大了, 尼克?
16岁
坚强点, 索菲 1千元的赌注还在这里
我们还限制一杯吗?
- 我想可以多喝一杯 - 我同意
很好 Scootch out of there, 索菲
- 谁喝什么? - 索菲知道我喜欢什么
- 请来点冰水 - 好的，很可爱
尼克?
一个演员应该考虑抓住 单独和安德里亚在一起的机会
安德里亚. 好 你们慢慢聊
- 嗨 - 嗨
- 你叔叔有什么事? - 我不知道
这是第一次我和他一起到社交场合
- 你住在这城市吗? - 我和妈妈住在俄亥俄州
她和罗杰基本上不再说话
俄亥俄?
家里有女朋友吗?
没有，现在没有
尼克, 能帮我个忙吗?
好的
捡起来
- 蛋白质可提神 - 我们换换, 安德里亚
- 好的，我想该你了 - 好主意
保持新鲜 帮助我们通过第二轮
- 什么意思? - 是第二轮谈话...
常在要第二次酒时发生
事实上, 尼克在告诉我 你和他妈妈的关系
- 没什么秘密，她是我姐姐 - 你和她的关系如何
不是你和她的关系 尼克说他们不答腔
可怕 我是说，你需要你的家庭
- 是的 - 你认为发生了什么, 尼克?
我妈妈比罗杰大很多 大概差9岁
你肯定很吃惊, 罗杰
9岁的差距并不意味着不能怀孕
但显然，我确实有些吃惊
真的? 我不知道这事
那并不能解释 为什么你与姐姐相处不好
这么说吧 我们缺乏共同点
我妈妈说，罗杰小的时候 他能为自己开脱任何麻烦
他从没惹上麻烦 即使他被抓住
- 她称他是"Roger Dodger"(鬼罗杰) - 这对你太合适了 (dodger 躲闪者, 欺瞒者)
口才好并没错 尼克遗传到了
我想象爷爷，他几乎不说话
但他一旦说话 每个人都侧耳倾听
你知道，我爸爸就是那样
区别在于 我爸爸所说的
常常是些"再搞点伤回来"
- 有其父必有其子? - 不，有其女
- 我搞到-- - 谁的女儿?
- "有其女"你指什么？ - 开玩笑
妈妈在洗衣篮里藏有酒 有好多年了
- 噢，上帝, 尼克 - 那太糟了
她不是象落魄的人 她只是-- 你叫它什么?
- 超常运作 - 是. 那就是苏珊
她总是超常运转
- 她真的很高尚，你知道？ - 你怎能开那玩笑?
你能开任何事的玩笑 只要它和你有关
这是基本的人权 对不对, 尼克?
我想那是合乎宪法的
言论自由、玩笑自由
你知道什么? 我要去洗手间
我们让男士们讨论这些新发现
- 好主意 - 我不-- 好吧
好吧
小心，我们在等
你今晚不想和人性交吗？
我认为你想了解
想来这里学习的不是我
对大多数人来说 这里的话是说过就忘
- 好吗? - 我们在谈论爷爷
- 我想-- - 你以为有资格加入...
并且解释清楚那个特殊的话题吗?
是的，我很抱歉
你现在是那个话题的专家了 但很不适宜
我不想冷场
有4个人在这里
把它想象成桥牌
在桥牌中, 2人一组4人一桌
如果你想让别人
选择你进行游戏
你就必须学会 领会同伴的意图
很明显 我今晚不想谈家里的事
在这之前...
我们在听索菲讲她自己口交的事
你不认为那比你妈妈的洗衣篮更有趣吗？
尽你所能把话题扯回到
有关性的方面
记得吗, 今晚的主要目的?
别让我采用“失败保险”
- 你去哪里? - 对不起
不，坏主意
噢，上帝
那里没事吧?
不，你站那里我尿不出来
- 为什么? - 就是不能。出去
有个害羞的膀胱不能安度一生, 尼克
你要在酒吧呆下去了
大部分酒吧有象这样休息室
好，那你尿 你先尿
我不用，我只是来洗手
算了吧
- 走吧，孩子 - 不，我和别人来的
罗杰叔叔, 你能告诉他吗？ 他不--
- 你怎么? - 不，我不认识他
- 该睡觉了孩子，走吧 - 罗杰叔叔
- 快点，孩子，出去 - 你能--
他是我-- 罗杰叔叔! 真的，回去吧
你瞧，我是个演员 我在体验生活
- 祝你好运 - 好的
- 你没事? - 噢，嗨
我想我应该等等再用洗手间
在这里闲聊的新鲜感已经消失
我建议带瓶酒去找个景色好的地方
- 好的，我们去找景色 - 去找景色，女士们
- 那差不多 - 好了，谢谢
- 这是最好的 - 好了，一点点就行
谢谢
来一点，好了，好了
- 你喜欢酒吗? - 喜欢
它使我胸腔温暖
- 罗杰, 你教坏的 - 是，是我
- 酒精, 道德放纵的女人 - 还有赌博
对，赌博
尼克没有抱怨
尽管我有话谈放纵的女人
今晚的谈话到现在有点沉闷
除了索菲的“口”头描述
住嘴
若让尼克听听女士对性的领悟 对他会有好处的
- 你同意吗? - 上帝
从哪儿开始?
尼克起个头吧. 尼克?
开始吧
问吧，你想问什么都行
要有趣些
好的
我很想知道你们的第一次是怎样的
- 这是第一个问题? - 这是个好问题
谢谢
我先讲
- 那是我在三年级的时候 - 高中还是大学?
高中
他叫 Bobby Rushton, 我们甚至没有约会
只是有一天我带他出去 心想就是他了
- 为什么选他? - 幽默感?
哈哈，我记得他很有趣，但...
不仅仅是
It was like this vibe.
我知道他会很好
他不是很受欢迎 我想他不会向他的朋友吹嘘我的事
- 有点意思 - 他没有
他和我一样紧张
这是我选择他的部分理由
因为我想有些控制权
- 你明白? - 你也是他的第一个吗?
是的。事实上，我和他一起买的避孕套
我们一直骑车穿过城镇
因为我们怕有人看到我们
- 为这事我们计划了一个月 - 我喜欢这个故事
- 是的 - 那, 在哪里?
在我家，我的房间
我父母外出过周末
- 你流血了? - 正常，不很多
等等，那第一次疼吗?
刚开始 (first second 第一秒)
确实疼
之后，一切都不同了
明白? 就象对你的身体的新感觉
他怎么样?
- 几秒就结束? - 不是! 他象马一样继续干
实际上我不得不让他快点
哇!
他承认了之前象疯了般手淫 所以他不想--
- 象他没做过那事 - 不, 听起来他是个好男孩
- 听起来他象是美梦成真 - 他是个好男孩
他现在是个警察 他有4个孩子
过早的性生活无疑是羞辱
自我辩解 我的第一次很奇妙
是吗?
让我大胆地猜猜
- 一个老绅士 - 你对了
- 已婚? - 又对了
你有多大?
19岁，刚上大学
我想你没花多少时间和同室交流
对，对，我甚至不记得她们的长相
那发生了什么?
不管相不相 他最终选择了他老婆
有多大的可能性?
当你知道他不会离开她时 你怎么办?
好了, 尼克, 我最终知道了...
我发誓不再重复错误
- 结果怎么样? - 几个月就不行了
- 哦 - 索菲--
- 我没说什么 - 我该怎么办？他们都结婚了
我发誓不再唠叨，好吗
你，高手 告诉我们你的第一次
实际上，我觉得尼克的故事 会更有趣. 尼克?
- 我想听听 - 是的
尼古拉斯?
嗯, 这很难承认，但...
我没有性经验
你是处男?
是的
那好性感，是不是？
- 那很剌激 - 真的?
- 是的 - 你有女朋友吗?
- 从来没有 - 吻过女孩吗?
是的，高中时有几次玩 truth or dare 游戏
但那不象是真的接吻
不用舌头?
我想是, 那还不止 她们很生硬
不是我想象的那样
尼克, 过来一会
噢，上帝
不要爱上我或者什么，好吗?
那只是帮你度过少年期
好的
我情不自禁 想得到你的初吻
那很好
永远永远 你都是他的初吻
- 别靠近我 - 行了，为了对称
不，别想. 尼克
- 你什么感觉? - 我的心跳得很快
- 他知道怎么回答 - 他吻得好吗?
噢，他会让人伤心的
下边那个怎么样, 尼克?
有没有挺起来?
别烦他 你干嘛，风流浪子?
- 没什么 - 真的?
- 是的 - 那好
我承认，我结婚了 我把戒指放在皮夹里了
结婚了也不行
好，好
那么, 尼克
用点时间把这个归档以后用 你明白我的的意思吗？
想想吧, 索菲
在未来的6个月中 尼克每次遗精，都会想到你
- 别那么卑鄙 - 我不会那么做
没错 好了，我没结婚
重要的是得不到感情，明白吗?
- 那就是你所寻找的 - 我要走了
索菲, 你还没有给年轻的尼古拉斯...
特殊印象 帮他进入太虚幻境
去你的, 罗杰 你今晚有地方去吗?
- 他和我在一起 - 你可跟我们走
他跟我走 除非你做些有益的事
象 帮尼克进入高潮 怎么样, 索菲?
- 该摆脱你叔叔了 - 你好恶心。我们走
- 你小心些 - 安德里亚?
- 噢, 恶心 - 去你的
女士们? 我--
他说什么了吗?
混蛋!
不. 我不要-- 这是你的机会
你在说什么? 为何你那说那些?
好警察、坏警察
我撒下了种子 现在去完成它，好吗?
- 我不能去-- - 你以为能再找到更好的机会?
去，看在上帝的份上 记住主要目的
去，去，去!
跑, 尼克, 跑
索菲!
嗨, 索菲. 对不起
没关系的 他是个怪人不是你的错
我知道。我希望 不象这样子结束
我们要走了
我建议你取消打赌 回家
打赌的事是胡绉的
我知道
别太当回事，好吗?
我想我们--
别糟蹋我们今晚度过的好时光
你明白?
用这个记住我
保重, 尼克
我们需要象你这样的男人
嗨
怎么回事?
什么？什么都没发生
那你完了
她并不是想做那事 我不能请求她
- 你今晚想和索菲过夜? - 很显然，她不是--
你今晚想和索菲性交吗？
- 不 - 那我就说：你完了
你应该学会如何完成 谁都能半道回家
我们改按B计划行动. 嗨!
我想 改变一下环境 会改善你的运气
等等! 等等! 停下!
听我的 等在这里直到进去
- 我们去哪里? - 完成
- 我们去个晚会，走 - 谁的晚会?
Kao! 那里 那里
看看这个 漂亮的玻璃制品
哇，哇
为什么跑?
看门人脾气不好
听着，上面是另一种精力充沛的人
机灵点
不要和任何人讲话 那定是个集会杀手
保持四处转 不要藏在洗手间
到了。嗨
- 看看这是谁 - 嗨, 克莉丝. 你好吗?
这是我侄子尼克. 克莉丝
- 你好? - 你好?
等等，我可用用洗手间吗?
- 什么? - 用洗手间?
什么?
我整晚都在试图把她摇醒
这是多诺万
这里没有我同龄人
你以为我们去哪里 少年舞会?
我想我喝醉了
过来
尼克. 你知道我们在哪里吗?
- 我想你说过格林威治街 - 我们身处 决胜时刻
- 对，决胜时刻 - 是不是?
这比在酒吧难发现
但概念是一样的
当晚会过了高潮
就会有一个难以置信的时刻
就象是魔法, 突然间这里所有的人
都意识到了这个时刻
就在那个时刻 恐惧来临
- 什么恐惧? - 对空房子的恐惧
噢，是的
那是大多数人所不能忍受的
绝望象雾一般爬进房间
眼睛开始焦急地搜索人群
准则戏剧般地放低了 我是说，很明显地
- 明白我所说的话吗? - 不是很懂
我说的是, 你在这里完成真正的性交, 尼克
这是分出真正冠军的时刻
还记得你请我帮助的理由吗?
主要目标?
- 是的 - 那就让我帮你...
完成它
好的. 然后呢
我们要看看喝酒的是谁
每个晚会都需要一个开路车、一个野兔
要不停地寻找 比别人多喝两杯的女孩
怎么找?
倾听不适宜的大笑
在人群中搜索洒酒的人
在舞池中看谁线路舞错
他们怎么了? 他们应该醉了
下午好
上帝, 真不好意思 我不知是怎么搞的
非常抱歉 对不起
嗨, 堂娜
- 嗨 - 你怎么样?
- 还好 - 很好，听着
这是我的侄子 我想介绍一下. 尼克.
- 嗨 - 之前我在办公室见过你
嗨, 尼克. 堂娜.
- 高兴见到你 - 我也是
- 罗杰带你去城里看看? - 是，差不多
尼克的拜访
为何不告诉堂娜我们打的赌呢
- 待会见 - 呃? 等等
什么打赌? 他让你参与了什么?
- 没什么，真的 - 这是什么?
那呀. 我都不知道
- 很可爱 - 谢谢
我都没用过它
80，刺激，80度
是刺激，是的
我们打赌看我是否在今晚 能让某个人爱上我
哇
- 赌多少? - 1千元
算了吧
那，现在进展怎么样?
对不起 谢谢
谢谢，干杯
好
为爱
你好
你不是那个声名狼籍的的罗杰·斯温森吧？ 我听了不少你的事情
是我，是的
乔伊斯说她所有的撰稿人中 你最有趣
- 我是个暴笑者 - 她说过
- 我为何要说谎呢? - 你叫什么?
抱歉，我还没介绍自己
我叫帕特夏. 我和乔伊斯是校友
高兴认识你 帕特, 能帮我个忙吗?
当然，我可试试
看到角落里的那孩子吗？
- 是的 - 那是我侄子尼克
- 是吗，他很可爱 - 是的
- 他还是个处男 - 不!
- 向上帝发誓 - 可怜的孩子，他多大了?
16岁。听着
我和乔伊斯的相处告诉我 老一些的女人做爱象长耳大野兔
尼克的性欲正处在顶峰
所以我想 你们两个去做爱
就会象弗雷泽和阿里 (干得热火朝天，哈哈)
- 好吗? - 你是不是有病
不，我是认真的 怎么样?
- 就象是... - 我要走--
红十字会 或 --
好吧，高兴见到你
- 这里进行得怎么样? - 嗨, 罗杰.
- 谁让你进来的? - 谁让我进来的？你呀
什么?
你知道，尼克对女人最合适
你很幸运 你一直都陪你
是我，幸运的女人
实际上...我想我喝的太多了
想躺一会吗?
尼克, 尼克 好主意
好主意，来吧，亲爱的 我们找个地方让你躺躺
不，刚刚有点好玩
会好玩的
- 来吧 - 我们去哪里?
- 我们去 - 我们?
我们拐个弯就到了
- 到了 - 我忘吃东西了
尼克, 和我们一起 靠近些
- 好的 - 好
- 那我要-- - 很好
- 你没事吧? - 你让你们单独一起
- 好的 - 不, 别走
- 你能做到，相信我 - 你在干什么?
等一会
我们要做什么?
我们 什么都不做
我去放哨, 好吗?
你要动作要快点。若我是你 我会2分钟搞定
你在说什么? 等等，罗杰叔叔--
我爱你
别走
噢，我来给你介绍
这是多诺万·莱门 克里斯托弗
我们的合作者
我想他们对你会有帮助
你告诉我你要来点离奇的，超现实的
嗨，嗨, 多诺万 你好，伙计?
- 罗杰，你好，伙计 - 你好?
嗨, 克莉丝
看看你们两人
看起来想是幸福的一对 你的秘密是什么？
抱歉，你明白他们所说的 蘸公司的墨水
- 我想是的 - 我知道他们说的什么
好的
看看你
去睡吧
我想我们在这里并不重要
说实话, 多诺万 面对时代的多重压力
要得到一种关系 就要坚强些
我不清楚 让我问个人. 克莉丝?
在我们还没机会意识到时
男人传统的作用已被抛弃，是不是？
我们的文化象是设计成了 使柔弱和幼儿化
- 这措词很强烈 - 怎么不去...
吃点什么?
特别是当女人比男人
大20岁时更是如此
- 罗杰! - 大概是
若这个谈话发生在另一天--
你一生的目标就是羞辱你自己？
只是习惯罢了
我要你立刻离开
你让我离开 去哪里?
好好想想你在干什么
去哪里, 乔伊斯? 你想让我去哪里?
你完蛋了
你对我撒谎 你是个骗子
- 我要你离开 - 他是谁?
他到底是谁?
他是谁? 什么--
别太放肆
别以为这是你的地方，相信我
总有些人强过你
他们来了 嗨，伙计们，好运
抱歉，保重了
我拿一下衣服 保重
高兴见到你 谢谢, 乔伊斯! 再见!
发生了什么?
抱歉，对不起
这并不是我所希望的
那里发生了什么? 你在吼什么?
没关系 你怎么样?
- 你和堂娜入巷了? - 没有
- 为何没有? - 开玩笑？她睡着了!
尼克, 你今晚失去两次好机会了
你没有在“决胜时刻”好好表现
- 嗨! - 那里发生了什么?
- 你喝醉了? - 我要回家了
- 你要从哪里下车? - 什么?
就这样?
我们过了一整晚 我想你可以放单飞了
- 你说有失败保险 - 什么失败保险？
在酒吧 你说有失败保险
我说过?
- 我想你不需要失败保险 - 不，我需要！停下
- 你肯定? - 是，我肯定
我不想这样回家，好吗?
我肯定，好吗?
知道吗? 你是对的
为什么会失败? 我们要体面地失败 (?做最后一击)
- 对，象迈克尔 乔丹 - 对
那不是个好运动 但我欣赏你的热情 我们走吧
好的，谢谢
走，走，走，走
嗨，2个人
200元
1...2
- 他未成年? - 我是演员，在体验生活
操我要100元
小费
来呀
等等，慢点
请慢点
- 我们回家 - 嗨! 嗨!
- 你干什么? - 放松，放松
离开这里 妈的, 放开我!
- 放开我! - 离开这里!
尼克!
尼克.
尼克, 别担心
没问题，行了!
尼克!
扫兴!
没事的
上帝
臭酒
走吧
过来
- 上帝 - 别告诉--
睡觉吧
好了
罗杰, 拿起电话
尼克走了 2天来没人见到他
我都发疯了 请你给我回电话
噢，上帝
那有咖啡
我不喝咖啡
哦
我一直站不稳
- 会过去的 - 是的
那, 尼克...
多给我讲讲哥伦比亚大学的事
你对大学有什么看法
我不知道 那不错
你有没有四处看看?
或许你可以告诉我 和你路途中所见的不同处
抱歉，我发疯了
你怎么了?
昨晚
你昨晚努力教我完成那事，而我--
我想都是我搞砸了，所以
所以我不该那么疯
我抱歉让你失望
呃，没事
谁都有过毫无所获的夜晚 我也经历过
你说过你每晚都有所获
我说过很多事情 听着, 尼克
打电话给你妈妈，好吗?
我肯定她在期待你的电话
算了吧，我回家就看到她了
打给她 快
你自己处理吧
我想我会在下个葬礼再见到你
怎么? 谁病了?
什么? 不, 我在开玩笑
我也是
好的 再见，罗杰叔叔
再见, 尼克
别谢我，我已得到了
去机场要多长时间?
- 大约一个半小时 - 好的
你今天见安吉拉了吗?
- 怎么了? - 没胸
我对上帝发誓
那不健康，她老时胸部会耷拉下来
一边去吧
去告诉她, 尼克
什么?
去告诉她
对，或许她不知道
- 你这样做是帮她的忙 - 对
帮大忙
对
看看谁来了
女孩们
年轻女士
女性
雌性心脏在那...
紧绷绷的毛线衫下跳动
阴性血液在她们血管中流淌
鲜活可爱的女孩子们
你们这些小伙子 在青春期怎么应对这事呢？
我要大干
- 你要大干一场? - 是的
他要用一根棍 打败她们
不幸的是，我不是在说"whack-off.com"
我在说这房间里的女孩
我说的是沟通
我在说 魅力
我是说从这个全男性的、 星际迷航式谈话
同性小团体中站出来
把自己介绍给那些女孩之一
对，但我总是会紧张
为什么? 又没有什么危险
假如你有机会被...
那你才有理由紧张
在3小时之内搞定酒吧里一个人
那你必须按时完成
那才是压力，对不对?
你们可以把这当做热身
你在寻找你的风格 所以你紧张?
或许你紧张 或许那就是你的鱼铒
所以尽管去脸红 结结巴巴地说出你的想法
让她知道你的感觉
想想吧，你在用诚实和恭维组合拳
- 那是致命的 - 是，但是...
你不能让女孩知道你有多紧张
你必须让她知道你在控制，对不?
"控制"? 谁能做到?
你们是在中学，你不控制什么-- 看看你的脸
看看你在吃什么
看看那衬衫
控制！
好了
你们最想跟谁说话？
安吉拉
没错
- 安吉拉 - 你们可以这样说
嗨, 安吉拉 我叫-- 叫什么?
- 戴伦. - 我叫戴伦
每次看见你 都有和你说话的冲动
所以我努力搜刮想说点机敏的
可我太紧张了
以致什么也想不出来
我们现在还互不相识 但我很想 比如...
找时间请你去喝点什么 以便我们可以谈话
我想知道我们有什么共同点
但最主要的是 我很想知道...
你是怎样的人
因为我已经够了远远地看着你
等等等等
那样编个故事 看它灵不灵
她会转过身 回到别的桌上
- 对 - 如果是那样
你睡着了都不知道你中了大奖 (已经有了效果)
记住，她也会给你看些什么 (她也会有所反应)
如果安吉拉给我看看什么 我会很高兴
- 对，两个东西 - 对!
我会舔他们
好吧，我尽力了 不用送了, 尼克
等等，你要走了?
是的，我要回去，找工作
就象所说 消费者需要被提醒
他们有多胖多不美
高兴见到你们
保持幽默感
10年后这个地方什么样你们都不会记得 相信我
伙计，你叔叔很奇怪
是，我知道 我想他是的
但他很酷 你还要拜访他吗?
我不知道
什么?
怎么?
嗨, 尼克
有个人，我想他是你叔叔
他说你有事要告诉我
他说那足以让我大吃一惊
Subtitles By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
***新视界字幕翻译小组制作*** 翻译：YS
-------------------------- 本字幕所有权益归制作人所有 纯属翻译爱好者交流学习使用 谢绝它用，否则一切后果自负 --------------------------
What's happening right now is important only in the context...
of our continuing evolution as a species.
Roger, all I'm saying is that I wish my sister would learn to read a subway map.
By saying that, you disregard the primary importance...
of utility in human relationships.
Our ability-- Men's ability to read maps...
to navigate, makes us useful.
You should discourage your sister from even looking at a map.
Are you saying that we women have an inferior sense of direction?
Which way is north,Joyce, without looking around?
What?
You heard me. Point north. Quick. North.
North. North.
- You're right. - Is he right?
- He's right. - Very impressive.
As she has throughout history...
the female responds to the male who displays the most utility.
By honing those skills which make me useful...
I stave off my inevitable obsolescence.
You stay home honing your ability to program a VCR?
My VCR's been flashing 1 2:00 for three years.
What else, Roger?
Oh, driving a standard shift. Lifting heavy things.
- Air guitar. - Yes, yes.
Go ahead and chuckle, okay?
But until women evolve the ability to move objects telepathically--
and they will--
physical strength remains a primary utility.
Here's to brute strength then.
Roger, you're forgetting a very important male utility.
What's that? Barbecuing?
Sex.
Yeah. I want a guy to do more than just program my VCR.
Oh, I'll program your VCR, baby, like you never had it.
It's a top-loader. You thinkyou can handle that?
Interestingly, a group of scientists in England...
just announced their intention to fertilize an egg...
without the use of sperm cells.
I don't understand that.
Every cell in the human body contains a copy of the genome pattern.
The only reason sperm cells have all the fun is that up until now...
they were the only ones with access.
Within Christopher's lifetime, artificial insemination...
will render sperm as useless as an assembly line worker in Detroit.
Luckily, my accountant set up a golden parachute for my sperm years ago.
In case they were downsized.
Just so you know, Roger, you know that we women...
make love because we like it.
- Not just to procreate. - Yes.
- But are men absolutely necessary? - I don't know that.
Think of the structure of the female genitalia.
Wait. Wait. Okay, got it.
What is the most sensitive part of the vagina?
-I can't believe we've gotten into this. -I thinkyou know this, Donovan.
It's the clitoris, first discovered by Renaldus Columbus in 1 559.
He thought it was India.
Oh, no No!
The crown of the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve fibers.
It's a far great concentration than in any part of the male body...
even our fingertips.
It is the most efficient, pleasure-delivery system...
ever devised by nature.
Now, ask yourself...
why didn't the clitoris end up inside the vagina...
so that intercourse would be naturally...
compellingly, constantly pleasurable for a woman?
- I know the answer. - Yes, Ms. Maynard.
Because in primitive time, women died of childbirth.
So for intercourse to be too pleasurable...
wouldn't make sense from a Darwinian standpoint.
- I'm impressed. - Absolutely right.
- What does that tell us? - Evolution is looking out for us girls?
- Exactly. - That for women...
intercourse and sexual fulfillment were never intended to intersect.
New technology just makes it official.
Future generations ofwomen will evolve clitorises-- "clitori, clitorati"--
"Clitorissimo."
that are larger, longer, even more sensitive.
And a woman's ability, as well as her desire to self-stimulate...
will increase exponentially...
as intercourse is robbed of its procreative utility.
- I'm confused and frightened. - You should be.
The species is not static. We're in a constant state of flux.
Two genders has been the default setting for one reason only:
So far it's been the only way to propagate the race.
Is there any species that just has one gender...
that doesn't have male/female?
Starfish, for one.
Next time I see a starfish, I'm gonna tell him to go fuck himself.
Come on. You love it.
No, we don't.
So where are we headed?
Equality? Equality, what is that?
Is that a principle of nature?
We all sit around reading subway maps together.
No. Of course not. Natural selection.
Now that is a principle of nature.
Selection. Something has to lose. Something has to be defeated...
in order for something else to be selected.
So, what does this mean?
We have to take orders from Joyce for the rest of lives.
That's right. I like that.
It means that 1 0 or 1 5 generations from now...
men will be reduced to servitude.
Technology and evolution will have combined...
to exclude sperm from procreation...
and our final destiny will be to lift couches...
and wait for that day when telepathy overcomes gravity...
and our gender's last remaining utility is lost forever.
Forever.
Oh, my God, Roger.
- What? I'm done. - Then I rest my case.
Thank you.
Love you people.
Yeah, this is good.
-Jesus! - No, just me.
How did you get in here?
- Where did you get those? - Copied them from yours.
- When? - Last week when you sent me for bagels.
Give them to me.
Aren't you tired of constantly having to buzz me in here?
See how your brain works? How does once a week turn into "constantly"?
Actually, last week was two times, including, I believe, Friday...
when you woke me out of a dead, pleasant sleep and demanded the use of my body.
- You could have said no. - What? Are you kidding me?
That was a call to action.
I dressed in 30 seconds like a volunteer fireman.
I was insane--
You should stop talking and listen to me. I got something to say to you.
Oh, yeah?
- Words are my stock-in-trade,Joyce. - I know.
You can't just stop up the floodgate.
- Put that down. - What?
- We need to stop this. - Stop what?
God, I love watching you in the bathroom.
You're like an athlete after the game, scraping off the war paint.
I meant, we need to stop seeing each other.
Oh, really?
This whole thing was a bad idea.
Generally, I have good judgment, but this time, right out the window.
This whole thing is a great idea. Nobody knows about us.
We all go out, I sit there and...
you know, a few hours later...
I know I'm going to be the traveling salesman...
and you're going to be the lonely housewife.
I need you to be an adult about this. No scenes.
Joyce, I am your boy. I'm your thoroughbred.
Adult. Understand?
Forget about the keys, okay? Just keep the keys with--
Tonight is our last night, so let's make it a good one.
Good-bye sex is never good.
Next week, we'll have "get back together" sex--
- Can I stay the night? - Roger, no.
Right.
Hi. Can I have a Cosmo and a Maker's Mark on the rocks? Thanks.
- Let's have a talk. - I'm sorry. I'm with some people.
Let me guess.
You're relatively new at the company.
Maybe you moved to New York from somewhere else. Somewhere friendly.
First you took pride in being alone.
Wanna make a name foryourself in the big city.
After a while, you started thinking how it might be nice to meet somebody.
Winter's not far off, and it gets lonely sometimes.
Okay. And?
And so you develop a crush on your supervisor...
even though the other women in the office tell you...
" Keep clear. He's bad news."
- Why is he bad news? - Because he's a player.
He's a guy who collects trophies.
Every woman who takes a job there ends up in bed with him.
And ifyou give in to temptation...
you'll end up the punch line to a sordid joke by the water cooler.
Am I hot or cold?
- It's a good story. - It's a cliche.
So what do you do when you're not reducing the world?
What's wrong with reduction, boiling things down to their essence?
What's wrong with... seeing what's really going on?
And what's really going on? What's the big revelation?
Why should I tell you?
Telling you isn't going to change anything.
For instance, I could tell you that what you think of as your personality...
is nothing but a collection of Vanity Fairarticles.
I could tell you your choice of sexual partners this evening...
was decided months ago by some account executive at Young & Rubicam.
I could tell you that given a week to study your father...
and the ways in which he ignores you...
I could come up with a schtick you'd be helpless to resist. Helpless.
I could tell you all that, but what would you do with the information?
Are there women who fall for this stuff?
I'm telling the truth as I see it.
You wanna go fuckyour boss? What business is it of mine.
He's not Daddy. He's just a guy in a suit.
You feel compelled to contribute to the pathetic...
heartbreaking predictability of it all, by all means--
- Hi. - Hi.
- You waiting for someone? - Yeah, my fiance.
- Hey, congratulations. - Thanks.
All right. Congratulations.
Is he a kind man, your fiance?
Does he treat you with respect?
Not that it's any ofyour business, but, yes, he does.
- That must make you nervous. - Why would that make me nervous?
Oh, come on.
Look at the time. Let's do the math together.
What are you talking about?
Let me guess, low self-esteem...
and premenopausal... concern led you to pursue a series of--
semiabusive relationships?
But a recent dose of therapy has convinced you...
that inner-beauty is what really matters, and...
you really deserve that perfect partner who treats you with such respect.
Do you want me to call the bartender?
Unless you're an idiot-- which I don't thinkyou are--
unless you're some kind of pathetic, self-help junkie...
you and I know your guy's gonna wake up one morning, and--
he's gonna look around, figure out how old you are...
and what you're really like, and that's the day he's gonna go out...
for a pack of smokes and never come back.
By that time-- How you doing?
If she doesn't see what's coming, I fucking weep for her.
- Can I help you, sir? - Hey. No, thanks. I'm good.
I said, "Can I help you, sir?
- Where's that other guy? The-- - He's home sleeping.
Okay. Well, it's very important that I see Joyce Maynard right away, so--
Okay. I understand. Why don't I just leave her a note?
It's important that I see her in person.
That's not gonna work, so why don't I...
call you a cab and you go home and sleep it off?
Why don't you go fucking home?
Okay. You know what? We don't understand each other.
I'm her boy. I'm her boy, okay? Who are you? Who are you?
I am the man who's gonna call the police ifyou don't get out of my lobby!
Roger, it's Susan. It's Thursday, and I wantyou to call--
- Roger, pick up line two. - Who is it?
-It's regarding the new campaign. -Which new campai gn? Get a name, please.
- It's Susan. - T ell her I'm out.
- She says it's important-- - T ell her I'm out.
Yeah. This is, like, surly. That's like, "What is that?
- And this is, like-- - You want surly?
-This is like '90s, adorable normal guy. -I am that.
- That's your problem. - That's your nightmare.
Hey, Roget. You going to Joyce's tonight?
What?
- Didn't you get the E-mail? - What E-mail?
About the party?
You going?
Joyce throws a party, I don't ask questions. I just show up.
She's on a conference call.
Ted, there's someone in my office.
- Bye, Ted. - It's okay, Donna, you can--
- Bye, Donna. - I'll call you back in five minutes.
"Five minutes"? This is a five-minute situation?
Sit down.
I don't wish to sit down. I wish to stand.
Did you try to get into my building last night?
Why am I not invited tonight? Everyone will be there except me.
What is that going to look like?
- Let's reestablish some boundaries. - Let's not.
I'm your boss. You work for me.
You write very good copy.
But I have a hundred resumes on my files for guys just like you.
But do those guys do that thing that I do?
The thing that you like?
I have explained to you that I do not wish to see you socially any longer.
Find a way to deal with it.
What's that supposed to do?
Nick?
Uncle Roger. How's it going?
What are you doing here?
What? Oh. I wanted to see where you work.
- Yes. No. What are you doing here? - What?
- You mean here in New York here? - Yes.
I had an interview at Columbia, so Mom said I should lookyou up.
- Sit down. - Okay.
That's what all the phone calls were about.
- The phone calls? - Yeah. Your mom's been calling me.
- Did you speak to her? - We're playing phone tag.
She said you could show me what you do here.
She did?
Well, there's not a whole lot to show you, Nick.
Really? Like, what do you do all day?
What do I do all day?
I sit here and think ofways to make people feel bad.
- I thought you wrote for commercials. - I do...
but you can't sell a product without first making people feel bad.
Why not?
Because it's a substitution game.
You have to remind them that they're missing something from their lives.
Everyone's missing something, right?
- Well, yeah. I guess. - Trust me.
And when they're feeling sufficiently incomplete...
you convince them that your product is the only thing that can fill the void.
So, instead of taking steps to deal with their lives...
instead ofworking to root out the real reason for their misery...
they run out and buy a stupid-looking pair of cargo pants.
- So... is it fun? - It can be.
Look, I actually was about to call it a day.
That's cool. We can go get something to eat.
- Fine. Let's get out of here. - Great.
You gave me a scare. I thought you were having a narcoleptic episode.
- What? When? - Back at the office, you know?
That's standing meditation. It calms me down. Thanks.
Why should you calm down? You're a teenager. Thankyou.
My brain gets all sloppy when I'm stressed...
so the meditation helps me focus and block out the bad stuff.
- Bad stuff? - Like fear and pain, you know?
It's a visualization. I picture a blue triangle, and that's me.
I put all the other stuff outside the triangle in a red field. It works.
So, how's your folks?
- They got divorced. - What?
Yeah. My dad moved out.
- You're kidding. When did this happen? - A while ago.
I haven't seen you since Grandma's funeral.
- Jesus, Nick. I'm sorry to hear that. - It's no big deal.
I still talk to my dad. He calls from the road.
How's your mom doing?
She's fine. You know.
- Surprised she didn't come with you. - Maybe she was afraid to see you...
after what happened at the funeral.
That happened because your grandfather's a king-size prick.
All right?
So when's your interview?
- It was today. - How'd it go?
Fine, I guess. I did the interviews 'cause Mom wants me to.
- You're not interested in college? - Why keep going to school...
when anything I need to find out about I can look up myself?
Dad didn't go to college. By the time he was my age, he was on the road.
- How is everything here? - First-rate. Thanks.
But... the good thing about college is you get to hang out a lot.
- It's good for the social skills. - Yeah.
So... my mom says you're kind of, you know, like a ladies' man.
- She said that? - But she says it like it's a bad thing.
That sounds like her.
- Is it true? - What about you? You have a girlfriend?
No. I mean, you know, not yet.
Look. I'm getting older, and there's a lot of stuff that I wish I could--
There's a lot of stuff that I haven't-- There's certain things I need to--
Yeah. I thought you said you could look that stuff up.
No. I mean, not this.
You don't understand. I need someone who knows what to say--
I'm kidding you, Nick. That's what college is for.
You find some football player who needs tutoring, and he helps you get girls.
- You don't get it. - I get it. I was 1 6 once, all right?
What are you going to do ifyou don't go to college?
Design software. Maybe work on simulation games.
That's right. You're the computer whiz. There is money in that.
I already make money setting up systems for people.
I'm working on a web page for Granddad for his research.
What, the old man? He's actually spending money?
Yeah, good money too.
It's funny, 'cause he yells at his computer like it's a person.
He's always going, "That bitch ate my file."
- Or, "She's playing hard to get." - You spend a lot of time there?
Yeah, nowadays.
I go over after school, and he comes over and eats dinner with us.
Wait a minute. He eats dinner with you and Susan?
Sure. Since Grandma died, there's no one taking care ofhim.
Even after they split up, she went over every day to cook dinner.
I mean, every single day. She was nuts.
Yeah, she was nuts.
So, Nick.
You need some help with the ladies?
All right. Here we go. Get this straight.
Sex is everywhere, okay? It is all around us.
It's not some distant destination. It's not Everest.
It is right here. You have to attune yourself to it.
You have to bring yourself into alignment.
You have to find the zone, Nick. Okay?
Do that, and I promise you a whole world will open up.
Look at me. I walk around in a state of total receptivity.
- I'm like a fucking lightning rod. - All right. Fine. What do I do?
For starters, let's get rid of that little meditation. The blue triangle.
We don't block things out, Nicholas. We let them in.
Let what in?
There are millions ofwomen in this city.
Millions. Most ofthem are blessedly unaware ofthe countless ways...
in which their bodies are exposed to our eyes.
So, first, learn to read the sun, where it sits.
You'll notice... correlation between backlighting and transparency.
They wear light-colored clothing, underwear shows right through.
Bra straps, panty lines. No need to stretch or squint.
It is there for us, okay? For example--
What?
Are you blowing my cover like some construction worker?
- No. I was just-- - Use your head.
Step back. Let her pass. Okay? Give it a few seconds.
Watch this, and then camouflage the move. Pay attention.
Checking of the watch is good. Or of the pager.
Or looking for a street sign like you're lost.
You saw me do a combination. Whatever it is, don't get caught.
Do you think women have a clue what goes on up here?
What do they think, it's just stock quotes, drill bit sizes?
They don't know shit! Let's keep it that way.
- All right. - Watch. What about your eyes?
- What? My eyes? - Your eyes. How's your vision?
- No, it's good. It's 20-20. - Okay. Peripheral?
- I don't know. It's fine, I guess. - Fine's not gonna cut it.
You gotta workyour muscles like you're training for the fucking Olympics.
- Yeah. - Up, down, left, right, et cetera.
- Here. Follow my finger. - Okay.
- Tell me when it's gone. - All right.
- Okay. Stop. - That's it?
You need a hundred, a hundred and ten degrees...
before you're ready for the street.
I see behind me on a good day.
- You play video games? - Sure.
Good. That stuff is training for the eyes.
Registering images in a split second.
It's invaluable. Oh. Right there.
Blue sweater. Blue sweater. Median. Blue sweater. Blue sweater.
That young lady just-- And you missed it.
- I know. - In just a fraction of a second.
That's all. But a trained eye can get in there for a look.
You have to learn to anticipate your opportunities, okay?
Getting out of a cab, wind from a subway grate...
or as you so sadly missed there, bending over to pick something up.
These are situations which require lightning reflexes.
- I tell you, I can do that. - Your a step slow right now, Nick.
Hey, no wonder. I remember what it's like out there.
No interaction. No face time.
Look at me. Every day I have the street, the subway, the ATM line...
the office, the gym, the--
What have you got?
Young people sitting in cars in Ohio.
Wistful glances at the stoplight.
No, I go to school. That's interaction.
Okay. Let's work with that.
The high school building is four stories, if memory serves.
- It's five stories now. - Whatever.
It's multistory, and that means stairs, which is good.
Free yourself from the tyranny of eye level. Come here.
Use the angles. High for cleavage.
- Low for the skirts. - All right.
Remember, there's no shame in calling on an old standby, right?
Dropping of the pencil. Tying of the shoe.Just don't telegraph it.
What about reflective surfaces? Mirrors, windows?
What, in school? No, there's no mirrors.
What about that ugly glass trophy case that--
- Yeah, that's there. - Well, use it. It's perfect.
Go stand over there for a second. Keep going. Keep going. Stop.
Ifyou can't stare directly, turn your back and use the glass.
Hi, gorgeous.
Remember, angle of incidence equals angle of reflectives.
In other words, ifyou can see them, they can see you. So be alert.
- This is really complicated. - It's rocket science.
- You were smart to ask for help. - I have a good one.
When they're wearing short sleeves...
and they raise their arms to fix their hair, you can see in that gap there.
Now, see? That shows me you're using your faculties.
- Don't they know we can see in there? - Of course they do.
Breasts are very sensitive. They know when they're exposed to air.
Are women gonna walk around with their hands clamped to their sides? No.
Their hair has to be dealt with eventually...
and it is our job, it is ourvocation to be ready.
All right. So all this looking is fine, but how do you take the next step?
I need to meet someone.
Ifyou can't see how the two things are related...
there's nothing I can do foryou.
- Wait. Relax. Come on. - You think we are kidding around here?
- Do you think this is a joke? - No. Why do you think I'm here?
- You have got to make sex a presence... - I'm sorry.
- in your mind, in your life... - All right.
- in your spirit. - I'm sorry.
- All right. - What? No. I don't smoke.
Better learn.
- Okay. - Come on.
Here. Wait here.
Okay. Stay on this side of me.
Excuse us.
In, in, in. Go, go, go. Hurry.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. We're in.
Good.
So, first, a survey of the terrain.
Technically, it's still happy hour.
Your casual drinkers have yet to pack it in. Lots of groups.
Not exactly ideal for our purposes, but not impossible.
So, we need to make an impression.
Send out a signal that back here is the place to be.
All right. What do you do? What do you say?
Who cares? You're overcomplicating it.
You spend the whole night sitting here thinking of the perfect line...
what good is that?
Just make contact. Separate yourself from the rabble. Watch this.
Hey! Roses. Rosebud.
Hi. Come here.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Hi. Could you--
Could I get you to take a-- Yeah.
- Hey. - Nick here thinks you're beautiful.
If he's got such good taste, what's he doing hanging out with you?
Good question. Nick?
- Because he's my uncle? - How awful foryou.
And so on. No big deal, right?
Now she's aware of our presence, and we can plot our strategy.
I'm gonna get us some drinks. While I'm there, think of a hook.
- What? A hook? - A hook. A line. An opening salvo.
Any minute now, Rosebud is going to be standing right here...
Iooking down at you, and you're going to have one chance...
to either hit it out of the park or strike out miserably.
Be ready.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Hello, Nick. Your uncle says you have something to tell me...
that will absolutely blow my mind.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Those were his exact words.
Is he playing a little joke on us?
No, no. He's serious.
I mean, he's... totally serious.
- Tonight. - Sorry.
Thanks. As I was--
- Tonight. - Right, I was saying that...
I was saying that tonight is a--
Tonight is a very important night for me.
I was just telling her that we made a bet.
- A bet? - Uh-huh. We made a bet for $1,000.
That I can get somebody to...
Iike, fall in love with me.
Really?
Love. That's a hard thing to verify, don't you think?
No, I think we can do it.
I'm confident we can.
A thousand dollars?
That's not exactly mind-blowing...
but it's not the worse line I'll hear tonight.
What? Really?
Yeah. Good job, Nick.
- So, do we rate a sit-down? - I'm waiting for a friend.
I'll run it by her when she shows up.
Get her over here. There's cash at stake.
Ifwe do, who sits with who?
Ladies' choice. Natural selection.
I wanna sit with him.
Yes, yes.
What is this?
Rum and coke. I told him to mix it weak. We got a long way to go here.
- Okay. I don't drink. - You kidding me? Take a drink.
- I don't put alcohol into my body. - You drink that drink.
Loss of inhibition is crucial to your success tonight, okay?
Alcohol has been a social lubricant for thousands ofyears.
You thinkyou're gonna sit here tonight and reinvent the wheel? Please.
All right. Now, you did one very good thing. You lied.
You made something up. Keep that part ofyour brain working.
We get those girls over here, your first instinct is gonna be to open up.
To tell the truth. Fight it! Just keep it interesting.
Play up your novelty. You're a 1 6-year-old in a bar.
Why? "My father owns the bar." You got a month to live.
You're an actor researching-- I don't know. Improvise.
Next, check the time. What time is it?
It's about 7:02.
- Do you have a MedicAlert bracelet? - No, it's instructions.
I'm having my body cryogenically frozen if I die prematurely.
All right. Leave it. It's spastic enough to be charming.
So, the time. 7:00.
We've got nine hours until closing time. An eternity.
Look at me, Nick, and answer me this question.
All right.
Who is the greatest basketball player in the history of the game?
- Do you mean ever? - Come on. This is easy.
- Michael Jordan? - Michael Jordan.
Why was he the greatest? Because he paced himself.
Because he always had something left at the finish.
Magic Johnson called it "winning time." See those guys over there?
Yeah. Those guys think they're kicking ass.
Believe me, it is early.
We are a long way from winning time, so pay attention.
- Okay. - You say you want it.
Ifyou really wanted it...
you'd be in here, suffering the tortures of the damned with those guys.
- What? - There's a big difference between...
being horny and being willing to put in the time night after night--
I want it. Okay? I go to high school. You don't think that's torture?
This is a lot of information.
I'm giving you the keys to the kingdom.
Yeah, I know.
How many boys your age get an opportunity like this?
Yes.
So, stickyour finger down your throat. Drink ice water, call it gin--
I don't care what you do. Be ready to dive in at the moment of truth.
So... how often do you, like...
you know, like, get somebody to go home with you?
Every night.
Bullshit.
Just because you're not having sex, doesn't mean the rest of us...
are sitting around playing cribbage.
What's cribbage?
- What? What? - Here we go. Here we go.
Here they come. This is so stupid. They're, like, twice my age.
Champions refuse to lose. Be like Mike.
Here we are. As promised. For one drink.
- I'm Andrea, and this is Sophie. - I'm Roger. This is my nephew, Nick.
- Hi. - He really is, like, 1 6.
- I told you. - Sit down.
How'd you get in here, Nick?
It's funny you should... ask me that.
'Cause we were, before, discussing it, and--
Neveryou mind.
I'm enjoying the air of intrigue Nick brings to our booth.
- Cheers, everyone. - I told Sophie about your little bet.
She thinks you're full of it.
There's nothing little about a thousand dollars.
He's got to get someone to fall in love with him?
- A woman. - A woman?
Does it have to be a woman? What if some guy takes a shine to you?
I guess that would count, 'cause we never discussed what gender--
If Nick is willing to exploit that little loophole, he can have the money.
- What were you guys talking about? - I don't know.
- What were we talking about? - We were talking about women.
Specifically, the pleasure to be derived from admiring the female form.
Imagine what it feels like to be admired all day long.
- Really. - You'd rather be completely anonymous?
- Not completely anonymous. - Not anonymous.
I myselfwould welcome the sensation of a hundred pair of eyes...
caressing my... booty as I walk down the street.
Guys always say that.
Yeah. "We'd love it ifwomen were always staring."
We would.
You would love it if no woman ever listened to a word you were saying...
and just kept her eyes locked on your chest oryour crotch?
If it led to having sex all the time, I would not mind.
You could deal with never being heard, never being taken seriously?
If I had something that needed saying, I would wait until right after sex.
Seriously, for a second, just stop saying the obvious thing.
Think what it would be like if on every bus...
there were huge pictures ofyour naked body.
- And on every billboard-- - Magazine.
That's right-- it was just about your body.
There was so much time and money and energy spent obsessing and analyzing...
trying to get a glimpse ofyour body, that soon it felt like...
the world had forgotten about everything else...
and you end up feeling...
disconnected from your own body, like it's not even yours.
Ifyou're really serious about avoiding the male gaze--
- If the goal is anonymity-- - I never said the goal was anonymity.
Here's a little suggestion, okay?
Putting on makeup. Styling your hair.
Wearing a killer outfit and coming to a place like this on a Friday night.
That's when it gets interesting, because at a certain point...
- you start internalizing the male gaze. - Not the best course of action.
Male gaze. Madison Avenue. Fucking patriarchy.
Whatever it is, it's done its number on you.
Do you thinkyou have any control over who you find attractive?
- Of course we do. - I think not, and I'll prove it to you.
Ask any woman, "What's the single most attractive quality a man can possess?
- And what do they invariably answer? - Sense of humor.
- Sense of humor is huge. Definitely.
And yet, if two lean, mean, play-by-their-own-rules...
motorcycle-riding men strolled up to this booth...
and beat the shit out of us two humorous guys, right...
and asked you out for a ride, you would be weak at the knees.
- No way. - Weak at the knees.
Well, actually, guys who ride cycles are pretty sexy.
- Thank you. You see? - Sorry.
The fact is that touchy-feely, weepy, in-touch-with-their-feelings guys...
make you sick-- you're repulsed by them.
Give me the Ice Age, okay? Survival of the fittest.
No mixed signals. No bullshit.
Just the meanest, hairiest bastard wins all the time.
Let's change the subject right now.
You know, it's interesting. All this looking is so masculine.
I mean, you guys are just about the visuals.
Really. Why is it that when I'm going down on a guy--
- Sophie! - No, really.
Why is it that when I'm doing my thing...
why is it that men always insist on watching?
Why can't you just close your eyes and concentrate on the feeling?
It's not the most flattering activity for a woman.
I'm not sure that that's a-- Maybe we can help.
Nick, jump in here. A woman is doing her thing.
Why do we have to watch?
Well, maybe to make sure that it's actually happening?
I'll buy that. Make sure we're not hallucinating.
And maybe to file it away, in case it's a long time before the next one.
Two excellent answers. Perhaps you'd elaborate on the filing it away part?
File it away for what?
- Oh. I don't know. - Come on, Nick.
We're finally treading on some familiar territory here.
Mom's in the kitchen making Jell-O with fruit.
- You lockyourself in the bathroom-- - Don't sweat it, Nick.
I grew up with three brothers.
The closets were pornography museums. More visuals.
You're right about the visual thing.
It always drives me nuts when I hear a guy...
going on about something a girl does that's supposed to be so sexy.
- Like what kind of thing? - Like how she flips her hair.
How she stands with one foot to the side. It could be anything.
- What's wrong with that? - Because that's nothing.
That's just something she does.
And she probably only does it because she saw it in a movie.
It's not their real stuff.
All that stuff-- the hair flips, the mannerisms, the catch phrases.
They add up to the personality. So they are what's real.
Yeah, but it's all the outside stuff. That's fine in the beginning.
You need the outside stuff.
You need, like, the reasons to be in love.
But you can get past that to the part...
where the little tricks don't mean anything.
I say you are attracted to what is in front ofyou. End of story.
How romantic.
It takes years and years together.
- Yeah? - I can't describe it exactly...
but it's like there's nothing she can do.
All her usual ways of hooking you in have no effect...
and yet you're still in love.
It's like the act is over...
and you get to the part she's been hiding.
And she's been hiding it because she thinks that's the part...
that's gonna blow it or make you leave or get bored...
but you get to that part, and you're still there.
And you're even more in love.
Wow.
Have you met my nephew? His name is Jesus.
How old are you, Nick?
I'm 1 6.
Stay strong, Sophie. There's a thousand of my dollars at stake here.
Are we still on a one-drink limit?
- I think we can have one more. - Yeah, I'm in.
Great. Scootch out of there, Sophie.
- Who wants what? - Sophie knows what I like.
- Just some ice water, please. - Okay, that's charming.
Nick?
A player might consider taking advantage of this time alone with Andrea.
Andrea. Yeah. You can take your time.
- Hi. - Hey.
- What's the deal with your uncle? - I don't know.
This is really the first time I've hung out with him socially.
- Do you live in the city? - I live in Ohio with my mom.
She and Roger don't really speak anymore.
Ohio?
Do you have a girlfriend back home?
No. Not right now.
Nick, can you do me a favor?
Okay.
Pick that up.
- Protein for stamina. - Let's switch, Andrea.
- Okay. I suppose it's your turn. - Yeah, good idea.
Keep things fresh and help us fight that second-round lag.
- What's that? - That's a conversational lag...
that often occurs after the ordering of the second round.
Actually, Nick was telling me about you and your relationship with his mother.
- No secret there. She's my sister. - Your relationship with her.
Not your relationship to her. Nick says they don't speak.
That's terrible. I mean, you need your family.
- Yeah. - What do you think happened, Nick?
My mom's a lot older than Roger. Like nine years.
You must have been quite the little surprise, Roger.
A nine-year gap doesn't necessarily mean an unplanned pregnancy.
But, apparently, I did come as a bit of a surprise.
Really? I didn't know that.
That doesn't explain why you and your sister don't get along.
Let's just say we don't have much in common.
My mom says that when Roger was little, he could talk himself out of anything.
He never got in trouble, even when he got caught.
- She called him "Roger Dodger." - That's perfect foryou.
There's nothing wrong with a high verbal ability. Nick's got it too.
I wanna be like Granddad. He almost never talks.
But when he does, everyone kind of leans forward.
You know, my dad's like that.
The difference being that what my father has to say is usually...
some variation on, "Get me another scotch."
- Like father, like son? - No, like daughter.
- I get my-- - Whose daughter?
- What do you mean, "like daughter?' - No joke.
Mom keeps a bottle in the laundry basket. She has foryears.
- Oh, God, Nick. - That's awful.
She's not a wreck or anything. She's just-- What do you call it?
- High-functioning. - Yeah. That's Susan all right.
She's always functioned at a high level.
- She's just really high, you know? - How can you joke about that?
You can joke about anything that has to do with yourself.
It's a basic human right. Isn't that right, Nick?
I think that's constitutional or something.
Freedom of speech. Freedom to joke.
You know what? I need the ladies' room.
Let's let the boys discuss these new revelations.
- Good idea. - I don't-- All right.
All right.
Be careful. We'll be waiting.
Are you sure you want to get laid tonight?
I thought you would like to know that.
I am not the one who is here to learn.
For most of us, this is a forgetting place.
- All right? - We were talking about Granddad.
- I figured-- - You felt qualified to jump in...
and expound on that particular topic?
That's right. I'm sorry.
You're an expert on that subject now. You guys are joined at the fucking hip.
I wanted to keep the conversation going.
There are four of us in this booth.
Think of it as a game of bridge.
In bridge, you have two sets of partners, okay?
Ifyou hope to become the kind of man...
that other men choose to go into battle with...
you have to learn to read your partner.
It should have been obvious I don't want to talk about the family tonight.
A little while ago...
we were listening to Sophie describe herself giving a blow job.
Don't you think that's slightly more fertile ground...
than what's at the bottom ofyour mother's laundry basket?
Pull your weight and steer the conversation back...
to something in the same universe as sex.
Remember, the thing that was supposed to be the primary focus this evening?
Don't make me resort to the fail-safe.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me.
No. Bad idea.
Ah,Jesus.
Everything okay over there?
No. I can't go with you standing there.
- Why not? - I just can't. Get out of here.
Can't go through life with a shy bladder, Nick.
You're gonna be spending a lot of time in bars.
Most of them will have restrooms just like this one.
Fine. Then you go. You go first.
I don't have to. Just came in to rinse my hands.
Forget it.
- Let's go, kid. - No, look. I'm with somebody.
Uncle Roger, could you please tell him? He doesn't--
- How you doing? - No, I don't know him.
- Bedtime, kid. Let's go. - Uncle Roger.
- Come on, kid. Out. - Could you please--
He's my-- Uncle Roger! Really, go back in there.
Look, I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
- Good luck with that. - Okay.
- You okay? - Oh, hey.
I guess I should've waited to use the bathroom.
Okay. Unless the novelty of hanging out with prom king here has worn off...
I suggest we get a bottle and find someplace with a view.
- All right. Let's find a view. - Let's find a view. Ladies.
- That was close. - That's good. Thank you.
- This is the finest. - That's good.Just a little bit.
Thankyou.
Just a little. That's good. That's good.
- How do you like the wine? - I like it.
It makes my chest feel warm.
- Roger, you're a bad influence. - Yes, I am.
- Alcohol, women of loose morals. - And gambling.
That's right. Gambling.
I don't see Nick complaining.
Although I have to say, forwomen ofloose morals...
conversation has been pretty tame so far tonight.
With the notable exception of Sophie's oral presentation.
Shut up.
It'd be helpful for Nick to hear more of the female perspective of the sex act.
- Do you agree? - God.
Where to begin?
Nick will get us started. Nick?
Go ahead.
Ask away. Any question you like.
Keep it interesting.
All right.
I guess I'd like to know what your first time was like.
- That's what you come up with? - That is a great question.
Thankyou.
I'll go first.
- It was my junioryear. - High school or college?
High school.
His name was Bobby Rushton, and we weren't even dating.
I just picked him out one day and decided he was gonna be the one.
- Why did you pick him? - Sense of humor?
Ha-ha. He was funny, as I remember, but...
it was something more than that.
It was like this vibe.
I knew he would be nice.
He wasn't very popular, and I didn't think he'd brag about me to his friends.
- That's half the fun. - Well, he didn't.
He was just as nervous as I was.
Which is part of the reason that I picked him...
because I think I wanted to have some control.
- You know? - You were his first as well then?
Yeah. In fact, I went with him to go get the condoms.
We biked all the way across town...
because we were so afraid someone might see us.
- We planned the thing for a month. - I love this story.
- Yes. - So, where did you, you know?
It was in my house, in my room.
My parents were away for the weekend.
- Did you bleed? - The usual. Not too bad.
Wait. So it hurts the first time?
Well, it really hurts...
that first second.
And then after that, it's just new.
You know? It's like this new feeling foryour body.
So how was he?
- Matter of seconds? - No way! He kept going like a champ.
I had to ask him to hurry up, actually.
- Ow! - Yeah.
He did admit to masturbating like crazy beforehand so he wouldn't just--
- Like he wasn't doing that already. - No, he sounds like a nice guy.
- He sounds like a dream come true. - He was a nice guy.
He's a cop now. He's got four kids.
Early sex is an absolute humiliation.
Oh. Speak foryourself. My first time was wonderful.
Oh, yeah?
Let me take a wild guess.
- An older gentleman. - Right you are.
- Married? - Right again.
How old were you?
I was 1 9. Freshman in college.
Guess you didn't spend a lot of time getting to know your roommates.
No. No, I don't even remember what they look like.
So what happened?
Well, believe it or not, he ended up staying with his wife.
What are the odds?
What did you do when you realized he wasn't going to leave her?
Well, Nick, I got over it eventually...
and vowed not to repeat the mistake.
- And how's that going? - Some months are better than others.
- Uh-huh. - Sophie--
- I didn't say anything. - What can I do? They're all married.
I promised I would not be a nag. It's okay.
You, hotshot. Tell us about your first time.
Actually, I think Nick's story is much more interesting. Nick?
- This I want to hear. - Yeah.
Nicholas?
Well, this is hard to admit, but...
I've never had sex.
You're a virgin?
Yes.
That is so sexy. Am I right?
- It's hot. - Really?
- Yeah. - Do you have a girlfriend?
- No. Never. - Have you ever kissed a girl?
Yeah, a couple of times in junior high playing truth or dare...
but they weren't like real kisses.
No tongue?
I guess, but more than that. They were just stiff.
Not like I imagined that they should be.
Nick, come here for a second.
Oh, my God.
Now, don't fall in love with me or anything, okay?
That was just to get you through junioryear.
All right.
I couldn't resist being your first kiss.
That's right.
Forever and ever, you will be his first kiss.
- Get away from me. - Come on. For symmetry.
No, not a chance. Nick.
- How do you feel? - My heart is beating really fast.
- He knows just what to say. - Is he a good kisser?
Oh, he's gonna break some hearts.
How 'bout down below, Nick?
Any, you know, vertical displacement?
Leave him alone. How you doing, Casanova?
- I'm okay. - Sure?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Look, I confess. I'm married. I keep my ring in my wallet.
Even ifyou were married.
Yeah, yeah.
So, Nick.
Take a moment to file this away for later. You understand what I mean?
Just think, Sophie.
In the next six months, every time Nick jerks off, he'll be picturing you.
- Don't be an asshole. - I don't do that, okay?
It's true. Okay, so I'm not married.
What's important is the emotional unavailability, right?
- That's what you look for. - I'm leaving.
And, Sophie, you've even provided young Nicholas here...
with a particular image to help structure his fantasy.
Fuckyou, Roger. Do you have a place to stay tonight?
- He's staying with me. - You can come with us.
He's with me. Unless you're finally ready to do something constructive.
Like help Nick have an orgasm, huh, Sophie?
- It's time to cut your uncle loose. - You're disgusting. We're outta here.
- You take care. - Andrea?
- Oh, disgusting. - Fuckyou.
Ladies? I--
Was it something he said?
Asshole!
But no. Don't I-- Okay, here's your chance.
What are you talking about? Why did you say that?
Good cop, bad cop.
I planted the seed. Now go and close the deal, all right?
- I can't go-- - You thinkyou'll get a better chance?
Go, for Christ's sake, and remember the primary objective.
Go, go, go!
Run, Nick, run.
Sophie!
Hey, Sophie. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it. It's not your fault he's a jerk.
I know. I wish it didn't have to just end like this.
We're going now.
I suggest you call offyour bet and go home.
The bet thing was just bullshit, okay?
I know.
You take it easy, okay?
Look, I want us to--
Don't spoil the wonderful time we had tonight.
You know?
This is to remember me by.
Take care, Nick.
We need more men like you.
Hey.
What happened?
What? Nothing happened.
So you're oh for one.
She wasn't gonna go for it. I couldn't ask her.
- You gonna sleep with Sophie tonight? - It was obvious. She was not--
Are you going to have sex with Sophie tonight?
- No. - Then I repeat: you're oh for one.
You need to learn how to finish. Anyone can get halfway home.
We're switching to plan B. Hey!
I think a change ofvenue will improve your luck.
Wait! Hold up! Stop!
Do me a favor. Stay here till we're inside.
- So where we goin'? - Finish up.
- We're going to a party. Come on. - Whose party is it?
Fuck! Over here. Over here.
Look at this. Beautiful glasswork.
Whoa, whoa.
Why we running?
That doorman has a hateful personality.
Listen up. It's gonna be a whole new dynamic up there.
Stay focused.
Don't talk to any guys. That's a definite rally-killer.
Keep moving at all times. No hiding in the bathroom.
Here we are. Hey.
- Look who it is. - Hey, Chris. How are you?
This is my nephew Nick. Chris.
- How are you? - How ya doin'?
Wait. Do you have a bathroom I could use?
- A what? - A bathroom I could use?
A what?
I've been trying to shake this woman all night.
This is Donovan.
I'm the only one here that's my age.
Where did you think we were going, the junior prom?
I think I'm drunk.
Come here.
Nick. Do you know where we are?
- I thinkyou said Greenwich Street. - We're in winning time.
- Okay. Winning time. - Right. Okay?
It's a little harder to recognize than when you're in a bar...
but the concept is the same.
There's an incredible moment that happens when a party...
passes its apex, its peak.
As if by magic, suddenly every person in the room...
is acutely aware of the time.
It is at that moment that the fear hits.
- What fear? - The fear of the empty apartment.
Oh. Yeah.
That is more than most people can stand.
Desperation creeps into the room like a fog.
Eyes begin to search the crowd anxiously.
Standards are drastically lowered. I mean, it's palpable.
- You know what I'm saying? - Not really.
What I'm saying is, you have a real shot here, Nick.
This is the moment that separates a true champion.
You remember the reason you first asked for my help?
The primary goal?
- Yes. - Then let me help you...
to achieve it.
All right. So.
We need to scope out who the drinkers are.
Every party needs a pace car, a rabbit.
Always look for the girls who are two drinks ahead of everybody else.
How do you do that?
Listen for inappropriately loud bursts of laughter...
or scan the crowd for somebody spilling a drink.
Check the dance floor for somebody working out of their zone.
How about them? They seem pretty drunk.
Good afternoon.
God, this is so embarrassing. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, Donna.
- Hi. - How ya doin'?
- Well-- - Good. Listen.
This is my nephew I want to introduce. Nick.
- Hi. - I saw you earlier at the office.
Hi, Nick. Donna.
- Nice to see you. - You too.
- Roger's showing you the town? - Yeah, some of it.
Yeah, Nick's visiting.
Why don't you tell Donna about the bet we got going.
- See you in a second. - Huh? Wait.
What bet? What's he got you involved in?
- Oh, it's nothing. Really. - What is this?
Oh, that. I don't even know.
- It's cute. - Thanks.
I don't even use it.
Eighty. Hot. Eighty degrees.
That is hot. Yeah.
We made a bet whether I can get someone to fall in love with me tonight.
Wow.
- For how much? - A thousand bucks.
Get outta here.
Well, so, how's it going so far?
Excuse me. Thankyou.
Thankyou. Cheers.
Yeah.
To love.
Oh, hello.
You're not the infamous Roger Swanson I've heard so much about, are you?
That's me. Yes.
Joyce says of all of her copy people, you are the funniest.
- I'm a laugh riot. - No, she says that.
- Why would I lie? - What's your name?
I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself.
I'm Patricia.Joyce and I went to college together.
Nice to meet you. Patty, would you do me a favor?
Sure. I can certainly try.
See that kid right over there in the corner?
- Yeah. - That's my nephew Nick.
- Oh, really. He's so cute. - He is.
- He's still a virgin. - No!
- Swear to God. - Poor boy. How old is he?
He's 1 6. Now, listen.
My time with Joyce taught me that older women fuck like jackrabbits...
and Nick is at his absolute peak sexually.
So, I figure, the two ofyou go at it...
it would be like Frazier and Ali.
- Right? - Something is wrong with you.
No, I'm serious. What do you say?
- As a kind of a... - I'm gonna--
Red Cross moment or--
Okay. Nice to see you.
- How's it goin' over here? - Hey, Roger.
- Now, who let you in? - Who let me in? You let me in.
What?
You know, Nick here is a real ladies' man.
You're lucky he's spending all this time with you.
Yeah, that's me. The lucky lady.
Actually... I think I had too much to drink.
- Uh-oh. - Would you like to lie down?
Nick, Nick. Excellent idea.
Good one. Come on, darling. Let's find you a place to lie down.
Oh, no.Just when things were getting good.
Things are still good.
- Come on. - Where are we going?
- We're going. - We are?
We're going right around this little corner.
- Here we go. - I forgot to eat.
Nick, stay with us. Keep close.
- Okay. - Good.
- All right. So I'll just-- - Oh, excellent.
- Are you all right? - I'll just leave you two together.
- Okay. - No, don't go.
- You're in capable hands, believe me. - What are you doing?
Hang on a second.
What are we gonna do?
We are not gonna do anything... at all.
I'll be on guard duty, okay?
You need to work fast. If I were you, I'd switch to the two-minute offense.
What are you talking about? Wait, Uncle Roger--
Love you.
Don't go.
Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Donovan Lehman, Christopher Weland...
our two collaborators.
I think they're gonna be perfect foryou.
You told me you wanted something a little bit magic, a bit surreal.
Hey, hey, Donovan. How are you, man?
- Roger. Hey, man. - How are you?
Hey, Chris.
Look at you two.
You seem like the happy couple. What's your secret?
Sorry. You know what they say about dipping the pen in the company ink.
- I guess so. - I know what they say. Yes, they do.
All right.
Look at you.
Go to sleep.
I think we got sidetracked there.
Seriously, Donovan, with all the pressure facing men today...
it's got to be tough to maintain a relationship.
I don't know. Let's ask a man. Chris?
Traditional male roles are being tossed aside...
before we have any chance to make an internal shift, don't you think?
Our culture seems designed to emasculate and infantilize.
- That's a strong statement. - Why don't you go and...
help yourself to some food?
It's particularly true in a situation when the woman is...
two decades older than the man.
- Roger! - Approximately.
We were having this discussion the other day--
Is it your mission in life to humiliate yourself?
It's more of a hobby really.
I want you to leave right now.
You want me to leave and go where?
Think very hard about what you're doing.
Go where,Joyce? Where do you want me to go?
You're through.
You lied to me. You are a liar.
- I want you to leave. - Who's he?
Who the fuck is he?
Who is he? What--
Don't get comfortable.
Don't ever settle in like you own the place. Trust me.
There's always something gaining on you.
And here they come now. Hey, guys. Good luck.
Sorry. Take care now.
Let me get a coat here. Take care.
Nice to see you. Thanks, Joyce! Bye-bye!
What just happened?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
That didn't go exactly as I had hoped.
What happened in there? What were you shouting about?
Doesn't matter. What about you?
- Did you get it on with Donna? - No.
- Why not? - Are you kidding? She was passed out!
Nick, you have had one golden opportunity after another this evening.
You haven't exactly shown yourself to be a clutch player.
- Hey! - What happened in there?
- Are you drunk? - I'm going home.
- Where do you need to be dropped? - What?
That's it?
We've had a full evening. I thinkyou're ready to fly solo.
- You said there was a fail-safe. - What fail-safe?
Back at the bar. You said there was a fail-safe.
Did I?
- I don't thinkyou want the fail-safe. - No, I want it! Just stop.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
I'm not going home like this, all right?
I'm sure. Okay?
You know what? You're right.
Why give into a slump? Let's go down swinging.
- Yes. Like Michael Jordan. - Right.
That's the wrong sport, but I like your enthusiasm. Let's go.
All right. Thanks.
Come on. Come on.
Hey. Two of us.
That's 200.
One... two.
- Is he a minor? - I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
It's a hundred to fuck me.
Tip.
Come on.
Wait.Just slow down.
Please slow down.
- We're goin' home. - Hey! Hey!
- What are you doing? - Easy, easy.
Get outta here. Motherfucker, get off me!
- Get off me! - Get outta here!
Nick!
Nick.
Nick, don't worry about it.
It's okay. It's all right!
Nick!
Chill!
It's all right, man.
Jesus.
Fucking booze.
Come on.
Come here.
-Jesus. - Don't tell--
Go to sleep.
Okay.
Roger, pick up the goddamn phone.
Nick is gone. No one's seen him in two days.
I am frrantic, and I needyou to call me, please.
Oh, my God.
There's coffee.
I don't drink caffeine.
Yes.
I keep losing my balance.
- That'll pass. - Yeah.
So, Nick...
tell me more about Columbia.
What did you think of the campus?
I don't know. It was fine.
Did you... Iook around the neighborhood?
Maybe you could tell me about the different things you saw on your tour.
I'm sorry I got so mad.
You're what?
Last night.
You were trying to teach me the way that things are done, and I--
I guess I kept fucking it up. So--
So I shouldn't have gotten so mad.
I'm... sorry I disappointed you.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Anyone can have an off night. It's happened to me.
You said you score every night.
I say a lot of things. Look, Nick.
Call your mom, will you?
I'm sure she would like to hear from you.
Forget it. I'll see her when I get home.
Call her anyway. Come on.
I'll leave you to it.
I guess I'll see you at the next funeral.
Why? Who's sick?
What? No, I'm kidding.
Me too.
All right. Good-bye, Uncle Roger.
See you, Nick.
Don't tip. I got it.
How long does it usually take to get to the airport?
- About a half hour, sir. - Right.
You see Angela today?
- How come? - No bra.
I swear to God.
That's unhealthy. They're gonna sag when she gets older.
Fuck 'em up.
So go tell her, Nick.
What?
Go tell her.
Yeah, maybe she doesn't know.
- You know, you'd be doing her a favor. - Yeah.
A true favor.
Yeah.
Look who dropped by for a visit.
Girls.
Young women.
Female human beings.
Female hearts beating beneath...
those tight sweaters.
Feminine blood coursing through theirveins.
Living, breathing girls.
What are you young men in the prime ofyour lives doing about this?
I'm doing plenty.
- Yeah? You're getting plenty of action? - Oh, yeah.
He has to beat 'em off with a stick.
Unfortunately, I'm not talking about "whack-off.com," okay?
I'm talking about the girls in this room.
I'm talking about communicating.
I'm talking about engaging.
I'm talking about standing up from this...
guys-only, StarTrek-convention, frankly, homoerotic little group...
and introducing yourself to one of these girls.
Yeah, but I always get so nervous.
Why? There's nothing at stake.
If there was a chance ofyou actually getting laid...
then you'd have a reason to be nervous.
Try working someone in a bar for three hours...
and then you gotta close the deal right before last call.
That's pressure. Okay?
You guys can treat this like it's a warm-up.
You're trying to find your style. So you get nervous?
Maybe you're the nervous guy. Maybe that's your hook.
So go ahead and blush. Stutter all you want.
Show her how she makes you feel.
Think of it. You're combining honesty and flattery.
- That's lethal. - Yeah, but...
you can't let a girl know how nervous you are.
You gotta let her know you're in control, right?
"In control"? Who is this guy?
You're in high school. You don't control any-- Look at your face.
Look at what you're eating, for Christ's sake.
Look at that shirt.
In control.
All right.
Who's the one you guys are all desperate to talk to?
Angela.
Definitely.
- Angela. - Okay. Here's what you could say.
Hi, Angela. My name is-- What is it?
- Darren. - My name is Darren.
Every time I see you in the hall, I have the urge to talk to you.
So I try to think of something clever to say...
but I get so nervous...
that nothing comes out.
We don't know each other right now, but I'd like to maybe...
invite you out for a soda sometime so that we could talk.
I'd like to see what we have in common.
But most of all, I'm curious to find out...
what kind of person you really are...
because I am tired of looking at you from a dist--
And so on and so forth.
Take that out for a spin. See how it works.
Yeah. See her turn around and walk back to the jock table.
- Yeah. - If that happens...
you go to sleep knowing you gave it your best shot.
Remember, she has to show you something as well.
I'd love it if Angela showed me something.
- Yeah. Two things. - Yeah!
I'd lick 'em.
Well, I tried. Hang in there, Nick.
Wait. You're going?
Yeah, I gotta get home, look forwork.
As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding...
of just how fat and unattractive they are.
Nice meeting you, men.
Keep your sense of humor.
In ten years, you won't even remember what this place looks like. Trust me.
Dude, your uncle is strange.
Yeah, I know. I guess he is.
Yeah, but he's cool. You gonna visit him again?
I don't know.
What?
Hey, Nick.
Some guy, I guess he's your uncle...
he said you had something to tell me.
He said it would "blow my mind."
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