- May I help you? - Huh? No.
Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm just browsing.
- Thank you. - So let me guess.
Big night tonight?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Yeah, actually. Actually, the biggest.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Ménage a trois? - Pardon me?
I'm kidding.
Oh, a ménage a trois.
French for, "Who's that dude?"
So you're looking for something for your girl?
Well, not just any girl, okay?
The most... The most beautiful and incredible
and amazing and...
Well, girl I've ever met.
Okay. Well, if you have any questions, my name is Claire.
Okay. Actually, yeah. Does this come in red?
- I can check. - Also, Claire, does it come any larger?
Much, much larger.
Oh, no.
Hey. Is she in there?
- Yeah, she's in there. - Good. How do I look?
I see your balls.
Are you crazy? Come here. Come here. Up here, up.
- What's the matter with you? - What?
- This? This is the big idea? - Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna love it.
- She's gonna hate it. - She's gonna love it.
- No, she's gonna hate it. - Love it.
No, she's gonna hate it more than I hate it, and I really hate it.
You know what your problem is, Ted? You just...
- You don't understand true love. - Oh, and you do?
I understand that there's a girl that I love waiting for me in there.
And you know what? She loves me, too.
I still see balls.
Can I get you a drink while you wait for your friend?
Hopefully, in a man's life, you do this one time.
Well, I want my one time to be unforgettable.
I want tonight to be a story Vanessa and me will be telling our grandkids.
You almost done with that baby oil?
Yeah. That's it.
Get it in there. Soak those abs.
- I'm gonna kill you. - (SIGHING) Thanks, buddy.
- What's up, ladies? - Oh, goodness.
There you go, beautiful. I brought you some C rations on the house.
Some what?
Oh, sorry. That's Special Forces talk.
Are you in the Special Forces?
That's not something I'm at liberty to discuss.
(EXCLAIMING)
Anderson, I sell cars. My job is to close a deal.
Trust me. This is not gonna close a deal.
- Give me the ring, Ted. - No. I can't let you do this.
- Give me the ring! - No.
- Give me the ring, now! - No.
Give me the ring!
Just give me the ring! I just want the ring! I've got to propose!
Okay. Hey, watch the wings! Watch the wings!
I'm not gonna lie to you, Vanessa.
Special Ops,
it's a deadly game.
But as a very brave person once remarked,
"Life is either daring or it's nothing."
Do you know who that brave person was?
My personal hero, Helen Keller.
Helen Keller.
Excuse me, Vanessa. I think table 16 needs more garlic knots.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
I am Cupid, god of love.
Dear God!
Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!
Down! Everybody, down!
Down! Down!
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Anderson!
- You know this perp? - He's my boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Anderson, get up! Get up!
You could have gotten yourself killed!
Vanessa, I...
I wrote you a poem.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
"I am Cupid, god of love
"I come from skies far above
"Bringing love to all I see
"Now I have found some love for me"
Fag.
"And so I get on bended knee
"To ask, Vanessa, will you marry me?"
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
(APPLAUDING)
(GROANING)
Vanessa?
WOMAN: Oh, my God. She's...
Nessy?
d I stopped to think about the bad times that I've had
d It puts a smile on my face
Curled up with nothing to do
d Why is the sun always out when I'm feeling blue?
d It must be you Oh, it must be you
d It must be you
d Oh, it must be you
d When I took my first drink of alcohol
d I saw the Angel of Death floating over us all
d With a smile on my face I just wept
d How does a grown man laugh in the face of death?
d It must be you Oh, it must be you
(SIGHS)
(SQUEAKING)
(SNIFFS)
(SQUEAKS)
Hey, you hungry?
Did I ever tell you what she smelled like?
- What? - Dew drops.
- She was perfect. - Nobody's perfect.
Okay. Like, you know how most people have wrinkly knees?
Okay? Hers were perfectly smooth, like billiard balls.
- You know what I used to call her? - What?
- Billiard ball knees. - You know what might be fun?
Not talking about your dead girlfriend. Huh?
I still see her sometimes.
- Here? - Just forget it.
You know, I'd like to, Anderson, I really would,
but you won't shut up about it.
She's been dead twice as long as you knew her. Get over it.
- I'm sorry, "Get over it"? - Yeah.
How do you get over perfection? How do you get over perfection?
You look around. Maybe there's another perfect somebody out there.
Here we go.
- WOMAN: Don't talk to him like that. - Eat that goddamn spaghetti.
This is just what the therapist was talking about.
MAN: We're wasting enough money on that therapist.
WOMAN: I don't believe you.
MAN: Who wanted to come here? Not me.
- (EXCLAIMS) - I am so sorry. What did you just do?
WOMAN: What did you do?
Satisfied? I looked around.
I'm just saying,
don't throw your whole life away 'cause you killed your girlfriend.
- Fiancée. - Technically, she never said yes.
Anyway, I don't know if you're gonna find anyone else
whose butt smells like gumdrops or whatever,
but I know you won't unless you try.
So is that it? Is that it, huh? You want me to try?
One time. That's all I'm saying.
- One time. I try, you get off my back. - You have my solemn word.
Fine.
Fine, Ted. I'll try. I'll try.
Hey. Can I get you guys anything else?
(SINGING SOFTLY) That's what I'm talking about.
Back on the horse.
Is there anything else I can get for you?
Will you marry me?
- Excuse me? - Will you marry me?
LOIS: Stuart, you're flapping... All right. Pigs? Three little pigs?
A banjo? And piggies?
Deliverance!
- Oh, my gosh! Like a machine. - Oh, man.
- Oh, my God. Oh, you guys are so fast. - That was great.
Okay. It's my turn, and this is a really good one.
So I need you all to pay attention. Especially you, mon amour.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Give me the little hand.
- Isn't he the cutest thing ever? - Hey, I resent that.
Isn't it getting kind of late, you guys?
Oh, what's the matter, Cinderella?
You're not gonna turn into a pumpkin, are you?
Do I know how to push her buttons, or what?
I am pushing your buttons.
Honey, do your charade, okay? I have to get up early tomorrow.
Aye, aye, Captain. Okay.
Oh, wait. We can't do this...
Incoming.
Here we go. Last one.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
- Four words. First word. - Four words. First word.
- Me... Me... - Shazam.
William! William! Shorter. Willie. Will!
- Will. - Will. Okay.
- Second word. It sounds like... - Second word. Sounds like...
- Rockette. Boot. Shoe. - Shoe.
You.
(BLOWING)
Fourth word.
- Me, it's me again... Me? - Me?
- Oh, it is "Me." Okay. - Will you blank me?
Hey, buddy, there's ladies present.
All right, well, you know, that's just tasteless, Stuart,
- for God's sake. - Sorry.
All right. Will you blank me? Third word.
Saunter.
- Marry? - Stuart, he's proposing.
Katie, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes! She says yes!
- Honey? - Katie!
Katie!
Honestly, Katherine,
do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me last night?
I didn't say no, Mom. I just said I needed to think about it.
What's there to think about?
That boy is a catch, and he's crazy about you. God knows why.
Just tell me, what is it you want? Because William is perfect.
For one thing, he's just about the most attractive orthodontist
I think I've ever seen. And he's incredibly romantic.
Mom, I know he's perfect. I just need a little time.
- Will you talk to her, Stuart? - Not to toot my own horn,
but William reminds me a lot of me when I was younger.
- Are you listening to your father? - He is not my father.
This man is more of a father to you than your father ever was,
God rest his soul.
- Dad is not dead. - He's dead to me, the son of a bitch.
- Don't talk about Dad that way! - Don't you raise your voice to me!
- You're getting emotional, Lois. - I am not getting emotional!
All right. I am leaving this house in five minutes,
and if you want to be on that bus, I suggest you pull yourself together.
Sometimes I wonder if you still love him.
Who?
- Dad. - Are you crazy?
- Are you out of your mind? - Well, you must have loved him once.
Honey, I was 18 when I met your father and about as dumb as a piece of ham.
What did I know about love? All I knew was...
He was the hottest thing that I had ever seen.
Oh, he looked like a panther,
a sex panther.
- Sounds like love to me. - Well, there's a big difference
between love and mindless, animalistic, carnal lust.
And what do you have with Stuart?
What I have with Stuart is what I want for you and William.
- A mature, stable relationship. - But are you happy?
Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.
Very, very happy.
No, no. Very happy.
Very happy.
- I gotta go. The bus is here. - All right.
Very happy.
There she is. There's my beautiful girl!
Hey! Keep it down.
I will eat your head! I will tear it off, shove it up your ass,
pull it through your mouth, brush my teeth with it, and then eat it!
- I will eat it. - Smitty!
I'm not finished. Eat it!
- Dad. - What?
- Apologize to him. - Oh, come on.
I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.
Do it now, Dad.
Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.
Smitty, I'm working on my appeal over here.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You see, that's why I love you so much, Baby Bear.
You got your mother's good heart.
What's wrong?
No, nothing. William asked me to marry him.
But that's good. That's what you wanted, no?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just...
I mean, how are you supposed to know when you're with the right person?
Just listen to your heart, Baby Bear.
You'll know.
Hey, do you know what I do when I'm feeling blue?
Yeah. You drink homemade toilet wine.
No!
Well, yeah. But I also write in my gratitude journal.
And every day, I write about the things that I have to be grateful for,
like you and your mother.
Oh, here.
"December 25th, Christmas Day.
"I am grateful that somebody finally stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez."
Dad.
I'm gonna say yes.
Yes!
I mean, we get along so well, right?
He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.
- I'm gonna say yes. - That's great. Right, Matador?
I think William is kind of a turd.
- Really? - Yeah.
But he's like a turd with a piece of candy in it.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Marriage isn't in our blood. We're circus folk.
Gypsies roaming from big top to big top on the open road.
You guys have been working in the diner since I've known you.
Not in here, Katie. Not in here.
Gentlemen, observe.
(SCREAMING)
Can I get you guys anything else?
Will you marry me?
- Excuse me? - Will you marry me?
Seriously. Think about it. What could possibly be more romantic
than throwing away your entire life and running off with some handsome,
dark-haired stranger you spotted across a restaurant?
I'm sorry. He's had a lot of syrup.
- Okay. - Okay, he's had a lot of syrup?
Okay, I'll marry you.
- What? - Yes. Yes.
I'll marry you!
Jane! Jane! Will you cover for me?
Where're you going?
(SCREAMING)
I'm getting married! To this guy!
Come on. Come on!
Go. Get out of here. I got the bill.
Oh!
Anderson.
- Katie. - Katie. Hi.
Two kisses.
Big rig. Watch this.
Stick that arm up your ass!
d Got a brand new roof above my head
d All the empty boxes thrown away
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah. Yeah.
So years from now, when we're celebrating
our 37th wedding anniversary
and one of our friends asks us about our first date,
- is this what we'll talk about? - I guess it is.
Yeah. Okay.
And... And then I'll tell them the funny part.
What's the funny part?
That after we talked about it, you stepped in dog shit.
- Oh! I stepped in dog shit! - Yeah.
Why didn't you warn me? You could have warned me.
That would have ruined the story.
Ah, man. Can I borrow your...
Oh, God! Cut it out!
ANDERSON: Okay, careful, careful.
- I've never been up here before. - Yeah, it's a cool place to come
if you want to get an old refrigerator filled with vomit.
I was looking for one of those.
Yeah? Well, I think it's two-for-one day, so...
Look what I've got.
Tetanus?
(SIGHS)
- This is stupid. - What?
You know, this. Us sitting up here, pretending we're doing something.
- It's just stupid. - It is, right?
I mean, obviously we're not getting married.
Obviously.
- Strangers don't get married. - Well, in some cultures they do.
- They do? - But not ours.
Not ours. Other cultures, far-away cultures.
The Kalahari bushmen is one example.
- And my parents did. They did. - They did?
My mom barely knew my dad,
and she got pregnant with me, and they eloped
to this weird little place called The House of Wedded Bliss
- in Atlantic City. - The House of Wedded Bliss?
Yeah. Doesn't that sound incredibly romantic?
Sounds like a bad Chinese takeout place.
Yeah, well, I mean, just because they did, doesn't mean that we are, right?
You probably weren't even serious when you asked.
- Were you? - Of course not.
You see, that's what I'm talking about. I mean, this whole thing is just...
It's stupid.
- Wait. - I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?
- I'm just such an idiot. - Are you crying?
- No. - Why are you crying?
I am not crying.
It really looks like you're crying.
Yeah, well, I'm crying now.
Are you satisfied, you asshole?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Hey. Hey, you.
Hey! Hey.
Are you okay?
I can't remember the last time I did that. I don't think I've ever done that.
- Do you want a tissue? - No, I'm fine. I feel incredible.
- Really? - Why is that?
- You sure you don't want a tissue? - No, I'm fine.
Anderson, when you asked me to marry you,
you probably picked the only girl in the whole world that would say yes.
I don't think that's a coincidence, do you?
I don't know.
- Do you believe in fate? - No.
Neither do I. You see, this was meant to be.
Will you marry me?
- TED: You said yes? - Yeah. Well, why not?
You know, I think this is exactly what I need to get my life back on track.
I mean, why can't two strangers get married?
- I don't know. Because it's retarded? - Look, you said it yourself.
You said I need to get back out there and meet people. Right? So...
Yeah, meet! Meet! Not marry!
Why can't you just date her for a while like a normal human being?
Look, don't worry. Okay? It's not...
You know, it's not like we're getting married today.
We talked about it, and we decided to take things slow.
- So what's next? - She's moving in with me.
I gotta go.
Okay. Well, good luck with that.
d I don't care whether you hear this
d I don't care if I'm alone here singing songs to myself
d There's nobody else around, around
d Meet you up at the Indian part of the town
d The town's shut down, the people left with their bags
d Their kids so there's not a sound, a sound
d But I must get from there to here
d There's a small voice crying on the other side of the river from here
d It's too late to phone her now
William, I have some weird news. It's good news for me.
I can't marry you. I'll explain everything later. I'm so sorry.
I love you... As a friend. Okay, bye.
d Just a minute close your eyes
d If we settle for this compromise I'll stay with you
d The river looks so good tonight
Can I leave a message for 99138?
d I don't know what's with your friend
Phone message, Smitty.
d She said she'd had enough of playing games
It's from my daughter. She's getting married.
Oh, yeah?
It's too bad you're not gonna be there to walk her down the aisle, big guy.
(SHOUTING)
- What is this? - I'm getting married!
- No, this. - It's a diaphragm.
I know what it is. Not in front of... Please. Please.
- It's her diaphragm. - Stuart!
- Damn it! - Jeez.
- Where are you going? - I told you. I'm getting married.
(WHOOPING)
- You said yes! - Not to William.
Not to William?
His name's Anderson. I met him a couple of hours ago.
A couple of hours ago?
What kind of... What about William? What kind of name is Anderson?
- Use your head here, Katie. - He's black, isn't he?
I have to go.
Don't you think you're being a little impulsive?
Yes! That is exactly what I'm being. And guess what? It feels great!
- You ready? - Oh, my God.
- Hi. - Hey, there, dude.
You must be Anderson.
- No. - Matador.
This is my friend, Matador. He's just giving me a ride.
I like your Jew hat.
Bye, Mom. I'll bring him by for you to meet him tomorrow!
(COUGHING)
- Can you see? - No.
No problem. You know, this happens all the time.
How can you see?
Just be patient! This will clear up in a second.
Okay, slow down.
- What? - Slow down.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(KATIE SCREAMING)
Oh, my! Oh, my!
- Oh, my! - (GROANS)
I killed that fellow. I killed that fellow with my car!
- Oh, my God, not again. - Anderson?
Vanessa?
Anderson?
Vanessa?
- Am I dead? - You're just unconscious.
- Does it hurt? - Not really.
- Now does it hurt? - (GROANING)
You're getting married?
No! No! No! We're not getting married. We're just...
- We're just moving in together. - I thought you loved me.
I do, Vanessa. I do. I'll never love anybody but you.
- Really? - Yeah. Of course.
Then dump her.
Promise me, Anderson.
I promise.
Touch my lightsaber, Luke.
Touch it!
- What is that? What is that? - It's just ice.
Okay. (GASPS)
Hello.
Katie, would you like to make the introductions?
- I hit you with my car. - This is Matador.
Matador.
Here. I got you a small gift.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
It's a Discman.
This is my Discman.
Did you take this from my drawer?
Yes, I did.
Okay.
Matador, could you do me a giant favor?
Yeah.
Is there some way that you could not press your balls into my shin?
- Can do. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah. - Thanks.
Are you okay?
Well, I thought he was abrupt, but I'll be fine.
Yeah, I think... I think I'll be okay.
Matador.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Very good.
Okay.
- Take care, now. - I will.
He seems nice.
- Does it hurt? - No, it's fine.
- You're so brave. - Listen. Listen, Katie...
- Hey, where's your bedroom? - Bedroom?
Yeah. I need to put this somewhere.
- What's this? - My clothes.
- Your clothes? - Yeah, you know, for wearing.
Oh, clothes. Right. I thought you said "cloves." Cloves.
And I was like, "Cloves, that's a weird thing to pack."
Okay, yeah. You found the bedroom.
So, yup. So this... This is the bedroom. This is the bedroom.
I should probably clean up a little.
Good. Good.
So listen, I was thinking about everything and how great this is,
but it's all happening so fast, and I was afraid
that maybe you thought it was happening too fast.
That's what makes it so exciting.
Exactly. Exactly. That's what I was exactly going to say.
Because personally, I couldn't be more thrilled.
Well, you seem really nervous.
Really? No, no, no. I don't... That's weird. I don't get nervous.
I just express joy by sweating on occasion.
- Who's Vanessa? - Who?
You said "Vanessa" right before you passed out.
- I did? - Oh, is this her?
No. No, that's not her. I don't know who that is.
That's... That picture came with the frame.
But you're in the picture.
Yeah, there I am, right there. I know.
That's because I used to do some modeling when I was younger.
- Really? - Yes, I did.
I did some picture frame modeling back when that whole "regular guy" phase
was sweeping the picture frame modeling industry.
- That is so cool. - Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING)
The telephone's ringing.
Should I get it?
No. No, no, no. It's my mom. I'll call her back.
- Oh, should I say hi? - That's okay.
No, really, it's weird. I mean, I should say hi, right?
No, no. That's... I got it. I got it.
Hello, Mom? Hi. Hi!
Oh, same old, same old. How are you guys?
(WHISPERING) If she wants to talk to me, I'm here.
Yeah, listen. No. Everything is... Everything is...
- Everything is good. - Okay, sweetie.
- Yeah. - I gotta go, Mom. I love you.
Yeah. Love you. See you tomorrow, then.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
How's Anderson?
Fine, I guess. He says he has a surprise for us.
He's coming over tomorrow.
What's he doing tomorrow?
Coming.
He's what?
Coming.
d I can give you what you want
- d I can make your heart beat short - I'm scared.
Give me that, little girl.
I'm just a little girl. I'm a little girl.
(WHIPPED CREAM DISPENSING)
- Anderson? - Just a minute! Just a minute.
d I can be the sauce you crave
d I can spell what you can't say
d Chocolate flavored love theme treat that treats you so mean
d Covering your nights and days
d Let me give you what you'd like
d I can make your mouth run dry
d Drink me like a liquor, c'mon and dip your dipper
d Show me what you're here for, guy
- Anderson? Anderson? - Coming.
Okay. (SIGHING)
Listen. Listen, Katie. I think you're really neat. Okay, I do.
But I just...
I can't. I can't, 'cause I made a promise to somebody.
And...
"I think you're really neat"? God.
d What you want I can give you what you want
d What you want I can
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
No, Anderson. It's okay. Turn around.
So what did your mom say?
Oh, yeah. Well, she...
I was thinking that we could go over there and meet them before we...
- Get married? - If you want to put a label on it.
Great, 'cause I told my mom we'd go over to visit her tomorrow, too.
Great. That's great.
I was thinking we could take a bus over to my folks' house.
- I like buses. - That's good. 'Cause it's a bus.
It's a bus.
Minty.
Well, that's toothpaste for you. That's just classic toothpaste.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God!
- It's in my eye! It hurts! - I'm sorry. I swallowed some. Sorry.
It's really burning.
Did you wanna go in... The bathroom's right there.
- Where? - Yup, this way. Yes. Yeah, you got it.
Maybe I should go out and get some saline solution.
No. I'm fine.
Yeah, but maybe I should go, you know,
get some saline or eye drops or something.
No, really.
I'll go get some saline.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Okay. Slow down. What's the problem?
I think she wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna call 911.
I'm so embarrassed. I mean, I feel like such an idiot.
- Maybe you came on a little strong. - Oh, God.
A couple hours ago, she was moving in. All your problems were solved,
rainbows were shooting out of your ass. What happened?
Nothing. Nothing. She's great. She's great. It's just...
What?
- What would Vanessa say? Huh? - Oh, buddy.
I was just trying to be spontaneous, you know?
He probably thinks I'm such a freak.
No. Trust me. You're not a freak.
Hold on. Help. Help. Help me.
I've got to go. He's here.
- Hi. - Hi. Hi.
They were out of saline, so I got you some Q-tips
and some zit cream.
So you can do with that what you please.
How's your head?
- Oh, sorry. - No, it's okay.
My eye is fine.
Right. How's your eye?
- It's fine. - Good.
Wow.
- Wowee. - Wowee dowee doo.
Doowee wowie booby.
Well, I think we better get to bed. I think it's time for...
Not... I mean, not that kind of bed. Not that kind of bed.
I mean... I mean, like, sleepy time. Sleepy bed.
'Cause...
'Cause I... You know. 'Cause your eye and my head and...
Well, if we have any more physical contact,
I think one of us might actually die. So...
(SNORING)
d So the weekend came and went
- I'm sorry. Sorry. - It's all right.
- Go back to sleep. I'm sorry. - It's all right.
d Sunday afternoon's a memory
d She was just lying there
d Sleeping softly in a chair
(ALARM BEEPING)
Are you almost ready? I told Mom we'd be there in, like, half an hour.
She's gonna love you!
Fourth word!
You're holding hands. You're holding hands.
You're with friends. You're skip...
Wizard of Oz! The Wizard of Oz!
Diving? The Greg Louganis Story?
Flashdance.
Airplane!
Him?
Her? When a Man Loves a Woman!
Sound of Music!
Philadelphia!
Deep Throat! Deep Throat!
Oh, sorry.
Okay. You know what? You know what, dear?
We give up. Why don't you just tell us?
- That was The Apple Dumpling Gang. - Oh.
It's not an easy one. So...
It was really good.
Thanks. Thanks. Thank you. I'm sorry... Thanks.
- You're so good. Yeah. It was hard. - I thought it...
- I thought it made sense. - It was good.
- It was a tough one, so... - Yeah.
And then a few years ago, I was in a toy store and I had a thought.
What if there was a line of stuffed animals
specifically for Jewish children?
And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.
Listen.
(JEWNICORN RECITING BLESSING IN HEBREW)
Well, Anderson, what do you think?
Wow.
I think it's very...
Specific.
In a good way, of course.
So, Anderson, what is it you do?
Oh, Anderson's between jobs right now, Mom.
- Oh, he's between jobs? - Yeah.
I see.
You know, maybe you'd like to go downstairs to the basement
and see where Stuart makes all his little toys.
- Mom, no. Why? - Well, yeah. Yes, yeah.
Oh, I think he'd be interested. Especially if you like googly eyes.
As a matter of fact, I do like googly eyes.
- Okay. - That does it. Follow me, young man.
Santa's not the only one with a workshop.
- Wow. - What do you think?
(STUTTERING)
- What is this? - Jewla-Hoop.
Doesn't really work. Kind of like you, right, Anderson?
(EXCLAIMS) William.
I thought you two should speak.
I've been here this whole time. Been watching you with him.
I mean, what do you even see in that loser?
He doesn't even know how to do The Apple Dumpling Gang.
Apple. Dump. Ling. Gang.
That's The Apple Dumpling Gang, okay?
That's the motherfucking Apple Dumpling Gang!
(SOBBING)
William, you are really, really good at charades,
and nobody can ever take that away from you.
I had a whole life planned for us.
You know, a big house, three kids, two boys and a girl, you know?
I know.
Conner, Tanner and Ashley. I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
- What? - What?
- I think you should go. - Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'll go.
But this ball isn't over, Cinderella.
'Cause, oh...
Oh, I'm still dancing.
Do you hear me? I'm still dancing! Check it.
I'm still dancing. Who's still dancing? I'm a dancing fool, yeah!
Did you hear that?
(SCRAPING)
Got it.
(SLURPING)
We should get going, 'cause we're gonna see Anderson's parents.
- I'll grab our jackets. - Okay.
Okay, well, this has been fun. So, thank you.
I think they really liked you. I do, I could tell.
Especially my mom. My mom loved you.
- Really? - Yeah, definitely.
'Cause I got the impression she thought I was a loser.
Why would you say that?
When you were in the bathroom, your mom said she thought I was a loser.
- I thought you were great. - Really?
Yeah, really.
Well, I think you're pretty great, too.
- Sorry. - Do you want to sit down?
Okay. Thanks.
- Thank you. - Sure thing.
(SIGHS)
May I?
Wow.
Anderson, you have to feel this.
Okay.
Wow. I think I felt a kick. Do you mind if I take a listen?
Wow.
- When are you due? - I'm not pregnant.
This is my stop. Getting off, getting off, getting off!
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
- I feel terrible. - That is your fault.
- Oh, my God. - That is your fault.
Anderson!
Hey, there, skipper! Hey!
Who's the good-looking potato?
Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my...
- Fiancée. - My fiancée.
Fiancée? Well...
- Well... - Congratulations!
Hot dog! Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
(DOG BARKING)
I think Monitor approves, too.
(ALL LAUGHING)
The dog!
(GUFFAWING)
Should we go inside?
(SLURPING)
I've got to hand it to you, skipper. She's a peach.
Yeah. I guess you think I'm being pretty foolish, huh?
Why should I think that?
Because I just met Katie, and we hardly know each other.
You've got your whole lives to get to know each other.
What if I don't like what I get to know?
Oh, that's just nerves talking.
I remember just before I got married, your grandpa and I walked our dog,
had a little conversation about the birds and the bees.
I tell you, when he told me what he told me, I just about fell down.
Yeah. I think I pretty much know everything about that stuff, Dad.
Oh, of course you do. Of course you do. You're a grown man.
About time that I started treating you like one.
So I guess I don't have to tell you what this is for.
I've had this cock ring since my Navy days.
I got it from a $3 whore in Shanghai.
Wow, that's a really nice...
It's a nice ring.
- Cock ring, Son. - Cock ring. Cock ring.
Yeah. I don't know what it is,
ever since I left the service I've been having trouble
with firing my torpedoes too soon.
(EXCLAIMING)
- If you take my meaning. - I think I do, Dad.
- Premature ejaculation. - Okay. Okay.
- Son. - Yeah.
I want you to have it.
I want you to have my cock ring.
I don't know what to say.
(CHANTING)
(WHISPERING) Knock, knock.
I'm sorry, Smitty. I just wanted to borrow your Dirt Devil.
(SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
(DOG BARKING)
Dinner was terrific, Mrs. Wells.
Oh, no, I won't have any of that. We're family now.
I'd like you to call me Mommy.
Okay.
I suppose Anderson told you all about Vanessa?
Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, he did.
Mommy.
He really loved her. I suppose we all did.
I thought of that girl as one of my own.
Why did they break up?
Break up? Oh, heavens, they didn't break up.
She died, poor little thing.
Her heart just gave out the night he proposed.
Oh, my God!
Some folks around here blame Anderson, the way he surprised her and all.
I know I do.
When she went, it just about tore this family apart.
There were nights I thought about sticking Daddy's service revolver
in my mouth and pulling the trigger, just so I could be with her in heaven.
Mrs. Wells, I'm not trying to take Vanessa's...
Don't you say her name.
I will cut you.
LYLE: We're home, Mother. Where are you girls hiding?
We're just having a little girl talk, Daddy.
Oh, how was your walk, sweetheart?
- Very nice. - Hi, honey.
I don't know what you said to my mom, but whatever it was, it worked.
She loved you.
And believe me, my mom's not always as sweet as she looks.
- Really? - No, really.
I know it's hard to believe.
Don't you have anything you want to tell me?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
You look really nice tonight.
You're a real jerk.
Are we about to have our first fight?
'Cause if we are, you think we can finish it
before we get to your friend's house?
Or it could wait.
I just don't understand.
Why didn't you tell me about Vanessa when I asked?
- Who's Vanessa? - She was my girlfriend.
- His fiancée. - Okay, technically, she never said yes.
- She died. - Did you kill her?
No.
That's not what your mother says.
Look, I was gonna tell you. Okay? Okay? But...
But what? I mean, you're still in love with her?
You're in love with a dead girl!
- You freak! - Freak?
Freak? I'm the freak? I'm the freak?
What kind of person accepts a marriage proposal
from a complete stranger? Freak!
Well, what kind of a person asks? Freak!
- Stop calling me freak! - Stop being one, you freak!
Okay. Okay. I don't care what you think about me,
just leave her out of it.
Her? Her? You can't even say her name!
It's Vanessa, you asshole!
And she's dead! Dead, dead, dead!
Wow. That was harsh, harsh, harsh.
d Wouldn't be the first time
d Love made a fool of me
d Wouldn't even care
d But now you're here to see
d It comes as no surprise
d Just leave the light on
d What I wouldn't give
d If you could have it all
d Sun is going down
d The bed that breaks the fall
d Cradle and the bough
d So you can take
d Comfort now
d You can take
d Comfort now
- Hey. - Hey.
We split up to look for you.
You know, when I was a kid, I didn't have many friends.
You're kidding?
Nope. It's the truth. I don't know why.
Perhaps 'cause I was into different things than the other kids.
Acrobats, strongmen, makeup, that sort of thing.
Right. That sort of thing.
But I didn't let it bother me, you know, because I knew what I loved.
The circus?
You know, the circus is a lot like love.
Oh? How so?
Well, if it's a good one, it's a really good one, it's beautiful
and terrifying and magical, all at the same time.
And you wouldn't give up on the circus just because
once in a while a girl falls off the high wire, snaps her neck.
Oh, dead girls.
Sensitive subject. I'm sorry.
Morning.
"Prison escape." Honey?
(GRUNTING)
No, thanks.
I thought that maybe you could open it for me.
- Oh. - Stuart?
Stuart?
- (EXCLAIMS) - Hiya, Little Bear.
What the hell are you doing here? Stuart, honey, are you okay?
- Ducky. - Smitty, what did you do?
You think I would miss walking my little girl down that aisle?
- Where is she? - Ran off with her loser boyfriend.
Hey! You shut up, all right, pal?
Did she say where she was going?
(CRYING)
No! I don't know. No. No! Get away from me. Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey! Hey!
This is all your fault. You chased her away!
- Lois, please, you're getting... - Emotional?
You're right. I'm getting good and goddamned emotional.
And what the hell are you going to do about it, you tiny, tiny man?
- Easy, Little Bear. Easy. - You spineless little noodle.
Easy, Lois. Now, come on. Let's go find our baby.
All right. Let me go get dressed, Big Bear.
Let me help, Little Bear.
(CHATTERING)
(JEWNICORN RECITING BLESSING IN HEBREW)
- Hey! What's that? - Nothing.
(RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Take care, Matador.
- Hey. - You never gave me a key.
Right.
I just need to pack up my shit and you'll never see me again.
Can I get a taxi, please? What is the address?
- 6 New Lane. - 6 New Lane.
- Apartment... Don't go. - Apartment... What?
I like you and I don't want you to go.
MAN: Hello?
Hold on. What did you say?
I like you and I don't want you to go.
You don't like me.
- Don't tell me who I like. Screw you! - Screw you!
- No, screw you!
God, you're impossible! You are pig-headed. You are stubborn.
You don't even warn a guy when he's about to step in dog shit. What is that?
Ever since I met you, I've been a total wreck.
Even more of a wreck than usual. And screw you, I like you!
Yeah? Well, you're a liar! And you have horrible morning breath.
And you could never have made it as a picture frame model.
It is so cutthroat and so competitive.
And ever since I met you, I've been feeling completely crazy.
And I like you, too!
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay.
Okay. So we like each other.
Now what?
Let's go.
- Really? Where? - Trust me.
- Where are we going? - After you.
- Please? - No.
- Doesn't one of them have a car? - No, not one that will make it.
No, I'm not doing this. I'm going to lose my job.
You hate your job.
Yeah, but that and my thumbs are the only things
separating me from the animals.
Besides, I could get arrested.
I am not doing this, and I'm not gonna feel bad about it.
And there's nothing you can say to change my mind.
Hey.
Taking a test drive, Hal.
May I drive?
No.
Okay.
d Love is a game for two to play
d Don't go wishing your life away
d Come on now
d The race ain't run
d Love is a game
d Games can be fun
d Love is a game for two to win
d Walking along with a great big grin
d Come on now
d Take a run at the sun
We're taking the car, honey!
(WHOOPING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Do you know where she might go to get married?
Only one place she would go.
d Come on now
d The deal ain't done
d Love is a game
d Games can be fun
d Pretty soon you'll find yourself
d Hoppin' skippin' and jumpin'
d Turning somersaults
d With that heart a-thump, thump, thumpin'
d Love is a game for two to play
d Don't go wishing your life away
d Come on now
d The song ain't sung
d Love is a game
d Games can be fun
d Love is a game
d Games should be fun
d Love is a game
d Games can be fun
- Hey. What do you think? - Nice.
Hey, so what's their deal? Are they, like, a thing?
- Like, weirdo and weirdette? - No. No. They're just roomies.
What about you and Anderson?
Oh, yeah. We make out once in a while.
Hey, no, we've been friends since seventh grade homeroom.
We entered a talent show together as Wayne and Garth. I was Garth.
You guys must be pretty close if you're willing to steal a car for him.
We did not steal a car. We're just on a very, very long test drive.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
You know, he's had it pretty tough last year, and...
Ted, I'm not gonna hurt him.
Yeah, 'cause he's an idiot, you know?
But he's my best friend.
Someone's gotta watch his back.
Hey!
Hey.
- Hello. - That's it?
That's all you have to say to me, "Hello"?
Hello, stranger?
I won't be such a stranger when I detach your bicuspids from your alveolus.
- Pardon? - (SHOUTING)
You ruined my life!
Please tell me who you are!
"Please tell me who you are." I'm the Grim Reaper, ass clam!
William!
William! What are you doing?
Exacting my vengeance!
Again, Katie, would you like to make the introductions?
Anderson, this is William, my...
Wife! Wife! I'm her wife!
I mean, she's my wife! To be! We're engaged!
- What? - You didn't tell him?
I asked her to marry me three days ago.
I never said yes.
You accepted a balloon bouquet from me!
In a court of law, that's the same thing as saying yes.
- I don't think that's true. - Is there a problem here, folks?
Oh, no. There's no problem here, Officer.
HAL: This is him.
And he said he was just going for a test drive, see?
Excuse me.
You folks move along now, all right?
Okay, Officer. Thanks. We're gonna get going. Bye.
(SIREN SOUNDS)
TED: Oh, my.
This could be really bad.
Hi, Mom? Guess where I am.
- Oh, my word. - What is it, Mother?
Anderson's in trouble. It's that girl, I just know it.
All right, you two, we're gonna have to cut it short.
- Haven't we taught that boy values? - There's lemonade in the fridge.
Welcome to Tuxedo Depot. I'm Bill, I'll be your conductor.
How can I help you reach your formal wear destination?
You can help me by shutting up, Bill. This is a stickup.
We don't want your money.
What do you think?
I think you look great. Doesn't he look great?
- Yeah, he looks great. - Yeah, great. Fantastic.
Pizza. Gotcha.
Pizza, you're under arrest.
So,
Katie tells me, you know, you're some sort of circus...
Freak?
Yeah, I think that's the word she used.
Yeah, I guess there aren't a lot of girls that spend their weekends
- learning how to breathe fire. - No.
How do you breathe fire?
Well, it's like the old saying,
you just pucker your lips and blow.
And then, of course, you try not to inhale the propellant,
'cause you can collapse a lung.
POLICEMAN: All units. All units. 10-16 in progress. 10-16 at Tuxedo Depot.
Damn it.
All right, we're moving out of here real slow.
Nobody say nothing, nobody do nothing, nobody gets hurt.
Thank you. You've been very nice.
(SIREN BLARING)
- POLICEMAN: Freeze! - Freeze! Put your hands on your head!
You've had a tough couple of days, huh?
Aside from being hit by a car and assaulted by an orthodontist,
hasn't been too bad.
I'm sorry about William. He's usually a nice guy.
You know, it's funny you say that, because I remember thinking
as he was kicking me in the face, "Hey, this guy is pretty nice."
I'll shut up.
You know, I just think
maybe the world is trying to tell us something.
Well, like what?
Like, maybe you can't look across a crowded restaurant,
find the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.
SMITTY: Hey. You didn't read me my rights.
- LOIS: And what are those handcuffs... - Not my problem. Tell it to the judge.
- SMITTY: Hey, put them in the front. - LOIS: Get a space heater...
- SMITTY: I demand to be Mirandized. - Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
- Mom? - Katie!
- Baby Bear! - Dad!
Anderson, this is my dad!
Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Excuse the jewelry.
- What are you doing here? - We stole a car!
- Allegedly. - Oh, good for you!
All of you, pipe down!
This guy's fugitive ass is going back to the big house.
- I'm sorry, your dad's a fugitive? - Yep.
Okay. All right. Come on, let's go.
- Come to me, baby. - Daddy!
- SMITTY: So good to see you. - KATIE: You, too.
- Mom. Dad. - Oh, my God!
Who the hot springs are you people?
We're his parents.
- Hey. - Nice to see you again, Katie.
Hi, Mommy?
Mom, Dad, these are Katie's parents.
Why are Katie's parents in the hoosegow?
- Yeah. Mom? - He kidnapped me.
He kidnapped me from my Stuart.
What are you talking about? Baby, what are you doing?
Mom, Dad, stop!
Back me up. No, no!
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SCREAMING)
All right, freeze!
- You freeze! - Mom!
No. You drop that gun! You drop that gun!
Put down the piece. I will blow you away.
I will seriously wound this jackass! Don't you think I won't!
I will violate your bodily organs with tempered steel!
I am Little Bear, protecting her brood!
- Put that down! Put down the gun, now! - You don't think I would do this?
To preserve the rule of law, I will gladly sacrifice this man!
What?
- Mom? - Not now, sweetheart. Drop it!
This is not police procedure!
- She startled me. - Help me up!
Give me the keys. Give me those keys right now
and get over there before I hurt this man.
Sweetheart, get your jacket.
Go! Go! Come on! Come on!
The keys! The keys!
We're not going anywhere!
My son is not going to be an accessory to a felony.
Will you get a load of this one? "My son's too good for felonies."
You snobby bitch.
Lady, I have half a mind to stick my boot right up your cooter.
- What? - You...
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRES)
ANDERSON: Katie?
Katie, what are you doing?
I don't know.
These past few days, I haven't really had any idea what I'm doing, Anderson.
But what I'm realizing is I'm standing here shooting a stolen gun,
which, by the way, is pretty cool.
(GUN FIRES)
What I'm realizing is that I don't care,
as long as I can keep doing it with you, Anderson.
Because I think you can.
I think you can look across a crowded restaurant
and fall in love with a grubby stranger.
And I think love can be instantaneous and insane.
So, Anderson, for the last time I'm asking you...
Will you marry me?
- Yes. - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes. - Yes, say it!
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
(ALL CHEERING)
Gotta go!
Let's go! Come on!
Take the van. The keys are on the hook.
- Take the van. - Thank you.
You go, girl!
Bye!
Don't stop believing!
d Believe, you gotta believe
d Oh, you gotta believe
d Got to believe
d Yeah, yeah, got to believe
(ORGAN PLAYING PROCESSIONAL)
How do you feel? Nervous?
No. I feel good.
(MUSIC STOPS)
So let me ask you, when you met this guy, did you know?
Yeah. I guess I did.
- I love you, Daddy. - I love you too, Baby Bear.
Look at me, crying like a jailhouse bitch.
Stop it.
- Take care of my baby girl. - I will.
(WHISPERING) 'Cause if you don't, they'll never find you.
Thank you.
My name is Dr. Favreau,
and on behalf of my family,
I'd like to welcome you all to The House of Wedded Bliss.
A couple who marries here, I personally guarantee,
that's a marriage that's gonna last for life.
And we never forget a face. Ain't that right, Lois and Smitty?
Big Bear.
Now, on to the business at hand.
Anderson, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Do you?
Anderson?
Sorry. I don't.
Vanessa, when I met you, I thought you were perfect.
And you are. I mean... I mean, look at you.
But then I met Katie, and she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry. Are you... You're heartbroken.
Anderson, I want you to meet somebody.
You remember Morty, right?
"Shooter, shooter. We got a shooter."
He killed himself after I died. Isn't that so romantic?
I couldn't live without her, dude. I know, we just met. But she's the one.
- Know what I mean? - Yeah, I think I do.
Listen, babe, we gotta blow. I'll be in the Humvee.
Bye.
Do you want to get back to your wedding now, son?
I do.
Son, you've got to wait until you say "I do."
Son?
(SIGHS)
I do. I do. I do.
You got a ring? Because if you don't, we have some splendid ones
in the gift shop for $19.95.
No. No, no, no. I have a ring.
I have another ring.
Remember this?
By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife.
d Everybody's gonna love today
d Gonna love today gonna love today
d Everybody's gonna love today Gonna love today
d Anyway you want to Anyway you've got to
d Love, love me Love, love me
(SIREN SOUNDS)
- SHERIFF: All right, freeze! - I LoJacked your ass.
That's him right there! Arrest him! Arrest him!
- Arrest him! - All right. Hey!
- That is my ear, my friend. - Sorry.
How would you like it if I did that to you?
- I said I'm sorry. - Alrighty.
On a personal note,
I understand we have some newlyweds here.
Yes. Yes, sir. That's...
I'd like to offer the congratulations of myself and the whole team.
- Thank you very much. Thank you. - That's nice.
- It is. - That's cool.
We didn't know where you were registered.
Oh, wow.
It's a blender. I had some help picking it out.
William?
I realized something today, Katie.
No matter how hard you try to plan your life,
life has a plan for you all its own.
Good luck.
- Thank you, guys. - Guys, thank you.
Why is he hugging the cop?
Okay, guys, now.
- Very nice. - No, seriously,
- why is he hugging the cop? - All right.
On a professional note, y'all are under arrest.
Right. Just...
Considering we might not all be together again for quite some time,
Katie and I were hoping to get a picture before we all go off to the big house.
- What a great idea. - The big house.
- You want me to do it? - Would you?
- All right. - Oh, come on!
Hey! You know, you are walking on thin ice here, my friend!
You are on very thin ice!
Let me see it.
Don't forget to push the button for the flash.
Get in here, you guys.
SHERIFF: Could you all just scooch in a little?
One, two,
three.
d I love love I love being in love
d I don't care what it does to me
d Take these tattered boxes that used to hold your clothes
d Break them down Build them back up with your bones
d Now all you do is construct a mess You're good to me when only flesh
d You're a memory with nothing to show
d When we would take trips
d We swore we'd never take pictures
d Pictures only prove you can't convince
d Now I wish those photographs
d Could convince you that what we had would only
d Turn out a negative
d Well well well
d If fingertips are relationships
d Then I could barely carry your weight
d If fingers are mistakes
d Don't use this one to point the blame
d Just sing sing
d I love love I love being in love
d I don't care what it does to me
d These pills are fine to pass the time
d Til I find my new drug
d We'll take our chances We'll last a month
d We'll never speak again How I love being in love
d And don't pick up the line
d You're dressed to have a good time
d You don't need him You need to be seen
d So someone else can treat you wrong So you my love can sing this song
d I love love I love being in love
d I don't care what it does to me
d These pills are fine to pass the time til I find my new drug
d Then they'll take advantage I'll claim that's what I want
d To be the new statistic How I love
d How I love How I love being in love
d Take these tattered boxes That used to hold your clothes
d Break them down Build them back up with your bones
d All you did was construct a mess
d You're dead to me if love is death
d You're a memory with nothing to show
d Well well well
d If fingertips are relationships then
d Maybe I could use a break
d She smiles
d She points at me, she says "Baby I love how you sing"
d So just sing
d I love love I love being in love
d I don't care what it does to me
d I love love I love being in love
d I don't care what it does to me
d These pills are fine to pass the time Till I find my new drug
d We'll take our chances We'll rise above
d We'll last until the end
d I love how, I love how I love being in love
d Just me and my puppy
d Together we're so very happy
d And the bitter world won't bring us down
d No, I'm looking on the bright side of things
d It's just me and my honey
d Together we are so very funny
d And the bitter world won't bring us down
d No, I'm looking on the bright side of things
d And nothing will be
d Taken from my hands now
d Within me
d Resistance from me
d Nothing can last How can I pass
d On love and understanding
d Oh oh oh oh It's just me and my guitar
d Together we'll go so very far
d And the bitter world won't bring us down
d No, I'm looking on the bright side of things
d Here we go now
d And nothing will be
d Taken from my hands now
d Within me A resistance from me
d Nothing can last How can I pass
d On love and understanding
d Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
d It's just me and the town
d Together we will be the champs
d And the bitter world won't bring us down
d No, I'm looking on the bright side of things
d I'm looking on the bright side of things