Thanks.
That's good for business.
Thank you.
¶ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream ¶
¶ Make him the cutest that I've ever seen... ¶
Excuse me!
¶ Give him two lips like roses in clover ¶
¶ Then tell him that his lonely nights are over ¶
¶ Sandman, I'm so alone ¶
¶ Don't have nobody to call my own ¶
¶ Please turn on your magic beam ¶
¶ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream... ¶
That's a hell of a move, darling.
- I never get tired of it. - Thanks, Mom.
- Maybe take your hair down. - Why?
Scott came to see us yesterday.
What does that have to do with my hair?
Did he come and get his belt sander?
No. He came to get our blessings.
What?
¶ Mister Sandman, bring us a dream ¶
¶ Give him a pair of eyes with a come hither gleam ¶
¶ Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci... ¶
Wow.
¶ And lots of wavy hair like Liberace ¶
¶ Mister Sandman, someone to hold... ¶
Hi, Scott.
¶ Would be so peachy before we're too old ¶
¶ So please turn on your magic beam ¶
¶ Mister Sandman, bring us a dream ¶
¶ Please turn on your magic beam... ¶
He is so awesome. What a dreamboat.
You get everything.
Nobody gets everything, Brenda. You hang in there.
Vintage Cruising Night looks great.
Yeah, it does.
You notice anything different?
Maybe how you're feeling today or how I'm feeling today?
Nah, I got the... got the...
Oh, you got the new Bluetooth Oakleys.
- Oh, that's exciting. - It is exciting.
But guess who had to pay for them? Me.
- Can you believe that? - Oh, that's so not right.
Well, it's the principle.
We shouldn't have to pay to do our jobs.
80% of police authority comes from controlling eye contact
like I'm doing here right here with you. See?
- Mm-hmm. - Anyway...
I want to talk about tonight.
Okay.
I'm taking you to a special dinner.
Got your shift covered. Don't worry about it.
- I already talked to Bobby. - Right now?
Right now.
Where we going?
Only the best restaurant in town.
No way. Yeah, The Fancy Gondola.
So cool. Mm-hmm. It's right there.
All these people, most of them are like lawyers,
and professionals, and judges, and stuff.
- Wow. - Alice...
This was voted best alfredo in Smith County
three years in a row.
We've been dating for, what, eight months now?
Uh-huh.
And I will never forget the first day you skated
up to my motorcycle.
And our eyes met.
Excuse me, do you know how long it's going to be?
Yeah, about 25 minutes tops.
I don't mind if you eat while I work.
Let's just move to another table.
No, no, we're not moving. They don't have anything else.
This is the best table. It's the Gondola table.
- It's the Gondola table. - It's romantic.
- It's very romantic. - Took me two weeks to get it.
Or I would have been doing this two weeks ago.
Alice, I love you for who you are.
For richer or poorer.
In sickness and in health.
You are my precious honeycomb cluster.
Excuse me, sir. Is there an issue?
The ambiance is a little nail gunning.
Right.
I planned this with your restaurant.
I don't know why this is all happening.
Who's the genius who decided to do construction
during all of this? This is outrageous.
I can't believe this. This is...
My whole marriage proposal is ruined.
No it's not, Scotty. Go, go.
All right, we're very sorry, sir.
Just bear with us another minute.
Oh, it's too tight.
I mean, it's perfect.
I mean, my finger's too big.
The honeycomb cluster does have large knuckles.
Yes, yes, I will marry you.
From the bottom of my heart,
it would be my honor to be...
Ow!
It's imbedded deep in the forward part
of the left front lobe.
Two inches below the scalp.
We have to be extremely careful.
She could be brain damaged for life.
Wait! She has no insurance. Shut it down.
Thank you, Arlene. You're an angel.
Oh, I'm starving. Where'd those hamburgers go?
- You have to operate. - This is an emergency.
Emergency. That's a very interesting word.
A gunshot wound or the belly is bleeding,
that's an emergency. This girl's not bleeding.
She can get up and walk right out of here.
Might be an emergency in a week or a month,
but not today.
I am sick and tired of uninsured 25-year-olds coming in here
and expecting our services for free.
Plus, we're liable, which means we could end up paying you.
Why don't you just file a lawsuit against The Fancy Gondola?
With the courts and all, it would take years to collect.
Wait.
How much could this cost anyway?
How could it be $150,000 to pull a nail out?
It's brain surgery.
It's stuck in the sesamoid bone that's behind the nose.
It's deep. It's not good.
Maybe we could get married and then I can be
on Scott's plan.
Okay, then the nail would be
a preexisting condition and the insurer won't pay.
Well, what if we just leave it in there?
You know, I think I feel like I've seen this on the internet.
You know, some rocker dude has nails in his head
and he's fine. I could be fine.
It depends on where it is.
And yours is in a super unlucky place.
Okay, how unlucky are we talking, Doc?
I deal with odds on a daily basis, okay?
That's my job. What are the odds
of Alice being completely messed up?
She could lose mouth motor control,
have slurred speech.
Have a lifetime of heavy drooling.
Not a fun wife.
Well, our love is stronger than that, right, Scotty?
Scotty?
Let's just see what the doctors have to say.
Another option, if the nail shifts within the lobe,
then she's likely to lose all kinds of inhibitions.
Oh, that's really good, right?
Yeah, that could be good.
Frankly, that's kind of a pain in the ass.
Might be good for sex.
Well, maybe I can finally have an orgasm.
Okay, honey. So, private.
I already told you that 50 to 60% of women
don't have orgasms from intercourse.
What about you starting gentle like I asked?
And then taking it at the ankle that I really like?
Anyway, so.
The nail in this lobe could actually
cause her fits of panic, unpredictable moments
of wrath, rage, anger.
Ah, yeah, I read that same article.
And she could start speaking fragments of a foreign language
that maybe she was exposed to as a child.
It's crazy, but it happens. I've seen it once before.
Oh, my God. Remember Portuguese Jimena,
my babysitter?
I wanted her to be in the bridesmaid.
Yeah, yeah, Jimena,
yeah, the babysitter.
What are you doing?
Needs to be resized, right?
Well, are we still engaged?
- Let's just... - We are, right?
Let's focus on fixing your head right now.
And take it from there, okay?
This will give you good luck for now.
Did you just exchange her engagement ring
for a chicken foot?
Okay, first of all, it's a hawk talon.
It's very meaningful to me.
Alice knows that.
It's brought me great luck over the years 90% of the time.
How's my baby?
- Oh, Mom. Dad. - Oh, baby, aw.
Will you please pay for my surgery?
Well, sure we will.
Hawk talon's working already.
- How much is it? - 150,000.
150,000?
We don't have that kind of money.
I thought I was on your health plan.
Oh, no, baby.
That stopped when you were 22, remember?
We gave you the choice to have basic healthcare
or a credit card that Daddy would pay up to 500 a year.
I remember. At the time, I thought the credit card
sounded more fun, but now I think insurance
- sounds like more fun. That's the way it goes.
Bob, we could take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for this.
- Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. We already have a second mortgage on the house.
Oh. Well, didn't somebody get engaged today?
- That's on hold. - What?
- Yeah. - Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
- You are still engaged. - We're going to fix that.
We're going to fix that lickety-split.
- That's right. - We're going to fix it, mm-hmm.
You're engaged. We'll have a fundraiser.
You look good.
- Hi, Alice. - Welcome. Read about the brain surgery.
Hi, read about the brain surgery?
How are you? Read about the brain surgery?
Here you go. Don't lose that.
- Hey you. - Hey, Brenda, how are ya?
- You look good. - So do you.
Read about the brain surgery? There's yours.
Oh, that spongy feeling is hard to resist.
That's your brain, you know.
Yeah, that's my brain. So please stop pushing on it.
I am a doctor, remember?
An animal doctor.
Cows can't tell you when it hurts.
They can tell me.
Alice, some other people with uninsured injuries have shown up.
What? Why can't they get their own fundraisers?
No, I think they're here to support you.
- It's like a solidarity thing. - You remember Reverend Norm?
Hi.
Sorry I haven't been to church in, like, seven years.
I've been pretty busy.
Well, maybe this crisis will bring you back to God.
As it brought Keyshawn. My own crisis has driven me away.
I'm on a little sabbatical at the moment.
They put him on indefinite leave
because of his medical situation.
It was a sabbatical.
They forced him to take a break.
Okay, that's not important.
Oh, it's important.
He prayed to God to save his 40-year-old marriage.
And God answered with Viagra and Cialis.
And that didn't work.
Then he answered with an experimental super pill.
- I signed a waiver. - You see this?
No one wants to hear this. - Wow.
- Okay, super. Let's go, Scott. - Okay.
Did you see the size of that preacher's basket. Whoa.
Hi, everyone. I just want to thank
you all for coming. You're all under arrest.
Just kidding. I just wanted to say that it's time
to make a request for donations.
So I wanted to say that...
Sorry. Sorry. Alice, the speakers aren't wired right.
Fix something, please.
Okay, I've prepared some remarks.
Please don't leave. Why is everyone leaving?
6.33, 6.34.
Some stupid change from Cousin Al.
- Does the bank even cash a check for a dollar? - That's from Jim.
People said they woulda gave more
if it was another organ like a kidney.
What's she supposed to do? Stick a nail in her liver?
I specifically asked for the speakers to be wired...
- I tried. It's not cool when you can't get
financial backing from white people.
We'll just have to get the funds the old-fashioned way.
- Work and save. - I can't. I got fired.
That's bad for business.
Nobody gets everything, remember, Alice?
Hang in there.
There's gotta be something we can do.
News flash, I've been a large animal vet for 23 years.
I've seen pitchforks and backhoes imbedded in cow heads.
I think I can handle this.
I do not approve. You do not have my consent, Alice.
This nail is coming between you and me
and everything, Scotty. It's got to go.
If something goes wrong, don't blame me.
Hey, I don't want talk like that in my operating theater.
- Not my fault. - Anesthesia.
Pass the anesthesia.
It's how the cowboys did it.
Hey, why are you drinking that?
Yeah. Why is the doctor drinking?
- Steadies the hands. - I like her.
Maybe she could do us next, Rev.
Let's see how this goes first.
Google doesn't show much similarity
between a cow brain and a human brain.
Google's not always right, you know. Neither is Wikipedia.
I think kids just make up stuff there.
- Reverend, please. - Prayer.
Bless this crazy, scary ramshackle operation.
Guide Rita's hands. Protect Alice, Amen.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take these tweezers
and I'm gonna go in about three-and-a-half to four centimeters.
And I'm gonna find that nail.
Ugh.
I have to...
I got to get down in there pretty...
Oh.
What? I can't even see the nail exactly.
- Oh. - God, I hope I'm not just
- making the hole bigger. - Then stop!
Wait, wait!
We're hitting nail.
Okay, okay.
You can do this.
- Good. - Ooh. Whoa.
I got it, got it, got it.
Oh, I lost the grip.
- Aw, come on. - I lost it.
It's like a watermelon seed.
You know, slip... Ooh.
Damn, Alice!
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Ew.
Son of a bitch! I hate all you people!
Alice! Wha...
Jesus, it's like the exorcist.
Damn it, Rita, you hit the angry brain part.
You disturbed the nail, Rita!
I did the best I could with what I had!
I'm just scared. I'm really scared.
- Where's my brain? - What happened to her face?
- What happened to my face? - It's just soot, baby.
Now, everybody back up and give her some room.
It's what we do with a mad cow.
All right, you got to treat this like an unpredictable gunman.
Engage and contain. You all stay back.
Alice?
Just two people talkin' here, right?
No one needs to get hurt today.
- Scott, I'm so nervous. - I'm going to help.
Give me the poker.
And do exactly as I say.
I want you to breath in and breath out.
You work for the government.
Can you have the government fix my head?
That's an insane thought. Block it out.
"Oh, the government has to pay for my Bluetooth Oakleys,
and my photon tasers, but to pay for Alice's surgery,
that's insane because we had to sit at the dangerous Gondola table."
That table is very romantic 99% of the time.
- It's the nail talking, Scott. - She loved the Gondola table.
I just don't think she really appreciates
all of the time and energy that I spent planning that proposal.
You know, it was about us. And now it's about her. You know, "I'm hurt.
- I need the attention." - She doesn't want this attention.
You think I want this attention? I can't control this.
Look, she can't control it. - Did you resize my ring?
Why don't you resize it for this finger?
Okay, that's unacceptable.
I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me.
All right, that's it.
We need some space.
- Oh. - Oh.
He broke it off. That's cold.
I do not know what that meant.
I think she's asking in Portuguese
if you're breaking up with her.
Are you, Scott, breaking up with me?
Are you ending our engagement?
I don't want to, but right now the odds are looking 65-35
that you, Alice, are turning into an angry,
panicky Portuguese mess.
Maybe there's an 80 to 70% chance of us
getting back together if you get fixed.
But that depends on how long it takes.
You left the door open a crack. But that never works out.
- It's a mirage. - You just broke up with me.
Yes. It has to be this way. I'm sorry. It's necessary.
That's mean.
What happened to nobody getting hurt today?
Things don't always go as planned.
- Scott, Scott. No, Scott, don't go. No, please.
- I'm sorry. - Won't you please stay, Scott?
- Come on, Scott. - No, Scott.
- Don't do it, man! - Just let it out.
- Scotty! - Yeah.
You can stay here with us for a little while.
- Hi. - Hello, Reverend, Keyshawn.
- How's our girl doing? - Well, there's a weensy tad of depression
kicking in since the breakup, but she'll perk right up
when she sees you two. Would you like to come in?
Well, thank you.
- Honey. - Look who's here.
- Alice, what's up? - Hi, Alice.
- Yikes. - Maybe she should go outside and get some air.
- Get out of the house. - No, no.
That really didn't work so well with the anger thing.
¶ You couldn't touch me with a 10-foot pole ¶
¶ 'Cause we always on the rhyme ¶
¶ Never on a pimp stroll, been called nuts... ¶
Angry rappers helped me to cope with my messed up
medical situation, too.
What exactly is your messed up medical situation, Keyshawn?
We never got a chance to hear that.
Believe me, you do not want to hear about it.
We want to hear all about it.
Misery loves company, right, honey?
Yes, please.
Thank you. My name is Keyshawn McWilliams.
I couldn't get the attention of this very fine la-de-da-de.
So I decided to get into the Pro Am Weightlifting circuit.
I worked my way to the semi-finals
where I was about to break the dead lift record
to clean jerk 250.
And then you couldn't and you hurt your back.
Well, I clean jerked 250.
And I learned a new word called "prolapse",
which applies to the anus.
Okay, that's enough.
I really don't want to get Alice riled up.
You never know what's gonna set her off
with this thing in her head.
What you watching?
Bob?
Find something soothing for Alice.
Bob?
And I'm glad to be out here helping the people.
I like people. I love gettin' out of the law office.
And, you know, going local,
hearin' the people, smellin' the people.
Government.
If anyone has a problem from our district
that can be fixed by a law, I'm your man.
You're invited to come visit me any time in Washington.
That's me. I'm invited. I got to go talk to that guy.
That idiot can't help you, Alice.
It's that idiot's job to help me, Mom.
He just said so and he's not such a big idiot.
He was kind and thoughtful. I could tell.
¶ Let's turn a problem into an idea ¶
I could get fixed.
I could come home, marry Scott.
And then everything would be good again.
Well, it's the first time I've seen her enthusiastic
in nearly three weeks.
No. No, Bob. She's not going to Washington.
Oh, I can't take this anymore.
I have to get out of here, I have to fix my head.
I've got to meet that guy.
- What guy? - Scott.
You see, Alice?
Now you don't need to go to Washington.
Did you really come back for me, Scott?
Honestly, I came to get my belt sander.
And to see if you got fixed.
But I guess that didn't happen.
What's with this Washington business?
That doesn't sound good.
It's where I'm going to get help.
That's your crazy brain turning on itself, Alice.
You can't fix a crazy brain with crazy thinkin'.
That's broken talking to broken.
It's not broken talkin' to broken. It's a good idea.
Or an idea. It's the only one we've got.
It's not a good one.
Maybe this is a calling of some kind.
Travel with Keyshawn would be like...
Jesus spending his days with prostitutes and lepers.
Thank you.
No, no, Reverend. You can't encourage this.
Listen, there is a 105% chance that Washington
is a terrible idea. Bob, belt sander?
Okay, but I may need to borrow it back if I have to build
those wheelchair ramps for Alice.
I still totally want to talk if you get fixed.
I'm sorry. Tours are over for today.
Oh, we're not here for a tour. We're here to see
- Mr. Howard Birdwell. - Okay, Miss, I'm going to have
- to ask you to step back beh... - Oh, don't worry. Just this.
Gun!
It's not loaded.
Oh, my God, I'm shot!
You're all right, you're all right.
All right. All right, I'm not shot.
- But I am traumatized, though. - Bring her over here.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm so done.
- I can't work no more. - What is this?
I brought it to show Howard Birdwell what happened to me.
Yeah, it wouldn't have fired if she hadn't grabbed it.
Well, what was I supposed do to?
Yeah. She's a security guard.
And a super fine one.
Wow, what is your name?
Rakeesha. Everybody call me Ra-Ra.
My name is Keyshawn. My people call me Ki-Ki.
- Baby, your trauma is turning me on. - Oh, Jesus.
Let me apologize for my insensitive white friends.
And take you to Benihana's and smooth your trauma with a sake bomb.
What? You guys are going right now?
- We just got here. - In the black community,
that's how quick it happens.
- What about our mission? - And our dream?
- Yeah. - What about binding
- the nation's wounds? - Yeah.
- What happened to that? - Good luck.
Okay, well, I guess it's just you and me.
Let's go. All right.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Hi, welcome. Information's over there.
And signups for appointments take two to three weeks.
Oh, my God, is that him?
Yes, but he's very busy on important legislation.
I'm starting to think sex is overrated, you know.
I mean, half the time the connection is so-so.
And then you're involved and then blah, blah, you know?
I mean, come on, I'd rather be playing golf, Mom.
Yes, I know I have a natural charisma,
but I can't get anything done around here.
It's like... it's like
I just can't even get colored glues for my kids.
It's killing me. I ran on that.
Hey, we can't just walk in like this.
But he's right there.
Oh, my God, Representative Hendrickson.
- What an honor. - Is he in? She's in a hurry.
Sir, the House Whip is here!
You have to change for the prayer lunch.
- Howard? - What?
You're in the hot seat, mister.
What? I voted yes on triple razor wires.
I'm not talking about the stupid immigration bill.
- My moon base is in trouble. - There was opposition ads.
- What about the opposition ads? - It was very effective opposition ads.
- Effective how? - They want to spend the money on schools and parks
and whatever and not a military base on the moon.
We're going to get that same school, park,
whatever people to say my moon base will massage their needs.
I didn't know a moon base could do that.
It protects us, right? Keeps us safe and non-blown up.
Is that Pam Henry, the lady astronaut?
Yes, it is.
Oh, my God.
Seriously, you have to go now.
- Oh, I was invited. - The House Whip is here.
Please, can you come back tomorrow?
- Tomorrow? - Why are you still here?
'Cause we have that meeting event this week.
And I need you to get someone with a good cause
who's manageable, controllable,
who will come and endorse our moon base.
This week?
Didn't the school kids just come visit you?
Yeah, they were surprisingly hard on me for eight-year-olds
and I wouldn't really want to have them back.
You got to get someone, Howard. The moon is my church.
- I know it is. - It's a really special place.
- This country deserves to have a military base there.
Hey.
- Bill. - I have very good news.
Girl Squaws making us a cookie.
- What? - Yes.
- No way. - Yes.
- A Girl Squaw cookie? - Yes.
- For the moon base. - Yes!
You have any idea how important that is?
It's like getting national landmark status.
I know, I know.
How the hell did you do that?
Because I told them we would get Shakira
- for the National Jamboree. - That's what I'm talking about.
- I got to work. - Yeah.
- Go get 'em. - Way to go!
- Burning up the track. - Burn, baby, burn.
Shakira.
How did he get Shakira?
Well, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
The important thing is that he got the Girl Squaws on board.
In a huge way.
Oh, look at that. I bet he got the Boy Cubs, too.
- What? - C'mon, you gotta change for the prayer lunch.
This always excites people because it's been
to outer space three times on her body.
Could you shut the door and give me some privacy, please?
You got to step up, Howard.
There are 100 guys I could groom to replace you.
So get someone to the media event.
Zip me.
I get it, okay? She's a total ball-breaker.
It's very short notice. And, frankly, not the best idea
to recruit people who aren't prepared or rehearsed
- to go on camera. - What about the prayer lunch?
- I'm right behind you. - Now.
I did eight years in NASA tech support for her, okay?
Another 15 years here, okay?
She's brilliant unless she goes off on her own.
Then it's a big mess.
Nightmare. That's what I'm talking about.
What are you doing?
So you better do what I'm saying, okay?
We're not going to repeat it again.
All this way and he won't even see us.
Okay, do you know what? This is what we're gonna do.
We're going to go in one of those offices
and we are gonna introduce ourselves
to another one of those guys.
- My dick is killing me. - Oh, geez.
I'm sorry to say it like that, I've been around Keyshawn too much.
- Is it bad? - It's really hard to walk.
It's really chafing.
Okay, you need to go to the motel.
No, I want to be here for you.
No, no, go to the motel, I insist.
Take a bath. There's got to be an ice machine.
That would be nice.
- Go. - You gonna be okay?
- Yeah. - I expect a full report.
Okay.
Feel better.
We're having a meeting in here, sorry.
Piece of shit democracy. I smash your face.
Mr. Birdwell? I'm from your district.
- Yes? - I saw you on TV.
- You were great. - Oh, thank you.
And you were real. I came to see you today.
But they wouldn't let me see you.
Oh, well, it's been a very hectic day.
You have very soft hand skin.
Oh, thank you. I roller skate a lot.
Don't know what that has to do with my hands.
Sometimes the wind can make your skin smooth or rough.
I don't know.
Anyway, what brings you to D.C.?
I came to see you because I want to help people that have
weird conditions that they can't afford to fix.
I guess that's healthcare.
Oh, dear. That's not very manageable.
In fact, that's kind of a bummer issue.
- I'm sorry... - Bummer issue?
It takes a really long time. Really.
I mean, good luck with that because I'm just a freshman
doing freshman things, so...
Why do you invite people down here then? Why do you say you can help?
Well, you don't think I want to help? I want to help people.
It's just it has to be the right thing at the right time.
I mean, it's not very practical, okay?
Look, I'm just trying to, I'm sorry.
Practical?
I'm under a lot of pressure right now, okay?
Do you see these offices?
Every single one of em has a different person above me
who tells me what to do. They tell me what time it is,
what day it is and when they tell me to "jump, Howard,"
I say how high, Mr. or Mrs...
Wow.
...or exactly. Wow, yes. See?
That's what I'm talking about. Now you're hearing me.
It's hard working for the people.
It's hard working, even getting colored glues for the kids,
for the kids' people, okay?
So I don't understand, you know, I'm trying to be...
Oh, mm-hmm.
That was weird. Didn't mean to do that at all.
- I don't know what's happening. - No, it's understandable.
There's the whole political rock star mystique.
That was really inappropriate. I shouldn't...
No, it's inappropriate here.
But it's not inappropriate right in here.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Nothing wrong with what you did.
¶ At last... ¶
- ¶ My love has come along... ¶
- Watch out for the... - There.
- Sorry. Oh, yes. - Oh, daddy.
¶ My lonely days are over ¶
- Oh! Ah! You okay? - Do you have any...
- Yeah, wait, my hands are... - Let me have it.
Oh, God, wait.
¶ And life is like a song... ¶
Oh, yeah.
¶ At last. ¶
Ooh.
Orgasms do exist. Yay.
I've had some really, really good sex,
but that was something completely new.
Oh, my God, I'm a dirty little nail slut.
What's a nail slut?
I have a three-inch nail in here.
And it sometimes makes me do crazy things.
And now it made me get slutty, damn it.
There's a nail in your head
and it's neurologically making you a whore?
Yeah. What's your excuse?
Well, what's to excuse? I think we just a case
of great timing and good luck.
Well, I never would have normally done something
like this except for this.
I mean, it can't all be the nail, you know.
I've been told that I have charisma.
Yes, you do.
But it was the nail, okay?
Well, I'm gonna have to disagree.
And now I'm gonna have to leave.
What?
Wait, wait, wait!
What about problem, problem, problem?
Problem right here, going to turn my problem into an idea.
What about that, mister?
What happened to that?
You're appealing.
Look, before, I thought that you were some sort of, you know,
not manageable policy problem, but now you're like...
a girl with a nail in her head,
and that's...
very interesting and very human.
Have you ever been to a military media moon base event before?
I don't think so, no.
Well, I'm inviting you to one where you can help us, okay?
Well, wait a minute, I thought I was the one that needed help.
Well, no, honey, in this town,
you gotta give something to get something.
Didn't we just have sex?
I mean, you got to politically give something
- to politically get something. - Right.
You help me promote the moon base
and I'll get you your healthcare bill.
But I don't know anything about a moon base.
All you need to know is that it keeps us safe and non-blown up.
And it's on the moon.
- A military moon base? - What's a moon base do?
All you need to know is that it keeps us safe and non-blown up.
And it's on the moon.
And if we get behind that, then he's going
- to help us with our thing. - Ah, that's how it works.
One hand washes the other. You know, it's amazing.
What? What's amazing, Norm?
It's just so unbelievable to me that one brief
hallway conversation, you agreed on all that.
I mean, just a little talk is just so unheard of
- in Washington for people to... - Well, that's what happened. That's all that happened.
I'm not lying and I'm not a liar.
I'm not calling you a liar.
Well, good, 'cause I'm not.
Gee, did you do something different?
You look really sexy or something.
Did you do something with your hair?
I don't have any hair.
Yeah, okay. Keyshawn.
- Where have you been? - Chilling with Rakeesha.
Ah-ha. So she's into playas after all.
I ran the youth outreach program.
I know all about the jiggy and the freaking
- and what the kids are into. - It don't matter.
'Cause she's strong and she's deep.
And she loves to do beautiful watercolors like this.
Bam. How you like me now?
Oh, wow. Is that your head on a wolf's body crying?
She sees me as the leader of the pack
helping all the injured, poor, weak wolves.
I like what she did with the shading there.
So she's sympathetic to your health problems, huh?
No, I ain't tell her about it.
Why does she think you're here, Keyshawn?
To selflessly support all you sad, injured people
and your problems.
This is why she loves me.
And this is why I need y'all to cosign on my story.
'Cause I'm in love.
I thought you didn't believe in love.
I'm just starting to learn how to trust again.
Don't crush the little hatchling of my heart.
Back up my lie.
Love takes honesty, Keyshawn.
Rakeesha expects me to lead.
You see the other little wolves?
They're hurt and they're injured.
Who's leading? Me. I cry for you.
Slow down, kids!
Congresswoman, a word, please?
- Alice! - Look, it's Howard.
Hi!
- Isn't this exciting? - This is amazing, fantastic.
This is Reverend Norm.
- Pleasure. - Hi.
And this is Keyshawn and Rakeesha.
Hi. Kanye, Shaniqua. Nice to meet you.
So I hope you're prepared to talk on TV.
Well, I didn't prepare anything.
I didn't know I was supposed to prepare something.
Why'd he call me Kanye? My name is Keyshawn.
Speak as someone who has an injury
and who needs protection
and is asking for it from the moon base.
Actually, how exactly is the moon base gonna help us?
We have to stay protected and...
- Safe and un-blown up. - Yes. Okay, great.
Yes, but more specifically, how exactly will the moon base
- help us right now? - Yeah, good question.
Well, we'll talk to the leaders about gluing
on a little tiny healthcare, emergency healthcare law,
onto the big, huge moon base bill, okay?
Kinda like a little satellite that nobody notices
that's orbiting around the big moon.
- Now, that's how it's done. - Slim shady, I like it.
Yes. What is that, a song or beef jerky or whatever?
Who wants to meet Pam Henry Hendrickson?
- Oh, I do, I do, I do. - The lady astronaut House Whip.
Let's go.
Why does he call me Kanye? My name is Keyshawn.
- Congresswoman! - Howard.
Told you I'd pull through. This is Alice Eckle.
Pam Henry Hendrickson. Nice to meet you.
Hi. Do you think you'd have time,
you could maybe sign my card later?
I've seen all your launches ever since I was in sixth grade.
Oh, that's so nice.
Actually, that's the same age that Grand Sacajawea Marsha Weber is.
- Grand Saca what? - Jawea. Sixth grade.
Hi, are you a congressman, too?
No. I'm an ex-waitress with a nail in my head
that might get fixed by the little law
that's going to tack on to the moon base bill.
- We're getting Shakira. Awesome, right? - Yeah, totally.
Yeah, we're not supposed to talk about that stuff.
Just keep the focus on the moon base tonight. Right, Mr. Harshtone?
That's right, Marsha. Very good.
Actually, Alice happens to be giving a speech, too, Congressman.
Oh, that's good, Howard, but she's giving one right now.
Here we go, Marsha.
Grand Sacajawea Marsha Weber, are you here to put
a military base on the moon?
We totally want a hiking camp
while they just patrol the skies.
Moon base rocks. Booyah.
Nope, this way.
Camera's right there, all right?
And the moon base is right behind you, okay?
So talk about all this stuff that we talked about before
and not the stuff we talked about after that, okay?
- Okay. - Look at me, I'm nervous.
- Ready? Look at you. You look great. - I do?
- You're beautiful. - Thank you.
- I believe in you. - You do?
Yeah.
I have a nail in my head so I need a moon base.
Why? Well, I can't afford surgery.
So my congressman, who looks like a dude from Crest White Strips,
but is really just a real person who's just really trying hard
to get colored glue and paint for the children in his district,
and he's really gonna help them and he's really gonna help me.
And he's really going to help everybody
with the military moon base.
How?
Well, number one, it protects us.
It makes the moon, like, one of our states.
Keeping us safe and non-blown up
So we can figure out better restaurant and hospital service
and colored glue for all.
That's how it works, America. First things first.
Rock on, moon base.
I hope I did as good as you.
- Trust me, you did. - Oh, thanks.
You did awesome. The crowd loved you.
- I loved you. - Yeah?
Give it up right up here.
- Awesome. - Thank you.
Oh, no, control the nail. Control the nail.
- Alice, well done. - Thank you.
We should celebrate.
Yeah, let's get some liquor and start looting.
No, I'm just joking. That's a racist stereotype.
But, seriously, let's get some 40s.
- Okay. - Okay.
Let's get naughty with the 40.
You know what they say, right? You have to keep on digging.
And that's exactly what we did, the cool kids.
Yeah, and look who went on national television
without having a panic attack.
Guys, we got a big poll bounce on funding this moon base.
Congrats, Howard.
House Speaker wants credit for this.
Bring nail girl to Speaker office
for photo visit in a.m.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - My goodness.
- Heavy duty. - This is, like...
- Yes, tomorrow. - Heavy duty, girl.
- This is crazy. - Heavy duty.
Well, we'll go together. We'll all go.
- Exciting. - This is it.
This is what we came here for.
¶ My, my, my boogie shoes... ¶
- It's a party. - It's a party.
It's a party.
¶ Oh yeah ¶
¶ Boogie down, boogie down... ¶
Ow. Oh.
¶ I want to put on my, my, my boogie shoes ¶
- Do the bump. - Oh no.
Keyshawn don't do the bump.
Yeah, let's go to Benihana's!
Benihana!
I want to go to Benihana's!
We're going to stay here!
You sure? It's going to be magical.
Ooh, yeah.
We can do great things.
- Yes. - In politics.
Okay.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I mean, I don't know you. I don't really know you.
You know, I don't know all the details of you.
You're just... you're guarded.
Yeah, I'm guarded, yeah, you know, I mean,
it's hard to let everything that's inside out, you know?
You got to stay protected in this town.
You got to keep your cards close.
I can't let down all the important people who picked me.
I can't let myself fail.
What is that?
That's what I went to law school for.
I wanted to be a forest ranger.
That was my secret dream.
But nobody understood. It just seemed so wrong.
- Wow. Wow, this is so cool. - Not cool.
This is really good that you're letting it all out like this.
I just got through this broken engagement.
And I just lost it all. Now I'm damaged goods.
- I'm like this broken girl. - No, you are not.
And I don't know if I'm ever going to find
- that happy life again. - Yes, you will.
- I don't know. - Don't you wish you could
- take a time machine back? - Yes.
Sixth grade might have been the best year of my life.
- Amazing campouts. - Skating.
- Man, I loved the woods. - Yeah.
And the woods loved me. God, it feels so good to cry.
- It's good to cry. - It's good to cry.
I never cry. You know, it's like a fantastic number two.
We're better than a time machine.
Because, together, we can make things good again.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I was praying for something
or someone to come along.
Make me be different and be better and to start taking chances
and start being more real.
And have courage, you know, like a forest ranger would.
And I think that's you.
That's us.
I've never met a guy who thinks about things like this.
Maybe I could be happier than I was before.
I just want you to know that this is me really liking you,
not the nail, and that I think that the involuntary sex thing
turned off when my head hit that light.
And now the voluntary sex thing is on.
I'm also volunteering.
Also, don't you think we should get to know each other
a little bit better, more than just the ranger stuff?
- Okay. Well, like what? - I don't know.
Like, what are your parents like?
What are your parents like?
Well, my dad's a plumber. My mom's a secretary.
And I love them.
My parents are both tax attorneys.
And I love them both. And I hate taxes. What else?
Did you have a pet growing up?
A little dog named Coconut. What about you?
Black dog named Bojangles.
- Okay, good. - Good.
- Morning, Sunshine. - I feel great.
Me, too.
I can't wait to meet the Speaker of the House
and start drafting that bill today.
I can't believe it's really happening.
Here it is, the new Girl Squaw moonbase cookie.
Well, my wife and two kids are my pride and joy,
but I love my job.
Many heads of state have come through this office
and now the Grand Sacajew...
Wea.
Wea of the Girl things.
- Squaws. - Squaws, Girl Squaws.
I can't get enough of these chunky gunks, Marsha.
Hey, what's in these?
Real macadamia nuts, pecan bits,
walnut shards and chocolate chunks.
Which all represent multiple warheads.
It's going to be my moon base now.
Your moon base?
That's going to be a catastrophe, sir,
now that I've got momentum on it,
you're saying it's your idea?
That's life in the big city, Pam Henry.
- Mr. Speaker, may I introduce Miss Eckle from my district? - Hi.
- Thank you for your help. - Thank you, sir.
You spoke to the people last night and my moon base is gonna pass now.
Now I long dreamed of this amazing galactic outpost
protecting us all.
After it was my dream.
I guess everyone's dreams. Let's take the picture.
Can my friends be in it?
Sure, of course.
Oh, you mean these friends.
Howard. All right.
Mr. Speaker, I'm working as a prophet
for all uninsured people as depicted
in this original watercolor made by my beautiful woman.
Is that supposed to be me?
That's the black you, baby girl.
- Awesome. - Let's take the picture.
Why you sitting sidesaddle?
Oh, it's good to sit.
I'm sorry, guys, we just don't have that kind of time right now.
I think they're a little confused about the event.
- No, they're fine. - Oh, yeah.
Oh, you guys must be confused.
No, I thought we were just going to attach
our little emergency care bill onto the big moon base thing,
you know, little satellites just orbiting the big moon
because of my TV thing last night.
I mean, that's what we talked about.
- That wasn't confusing. - No, it wasn't.
I don't think Howard meant that literally,
- did you, Howard? - Well, how else would he mean it?
Like a lie? Lying doesn't square with God.
So true, you know, that's life in Washington.
Look, I got a big appointment at the White House.
And, I, um...
I'd love to sit and discuss this all with you.
I'd very much like to come with you.
How can you go to the White House and not bring me?
This is my idea.
It's just between me and the president.
What if we really did get Shakira?
What?
- What? - What's Shakira?
What if we really did do Alice's law?
- Alice's law? Uh-huh. - Alice's law?
Something small, something specific.
Nothing that's big. Nothing that would cause a big debate.
Just in addition to military moon base satellite defense project.
What does he mean, really get Shakira?
Who's Shakira?
Those are interesting ideas.
However, we don't have time right now.
She hates when anyone else gets an idea.
- Mm-hmm. - That's not true.
I love when other people have ideas.
I adore the process, which in reality
takes time and compromise.
Like a great relationship, it never works.
Not us, baby. We gonna survive.
So very sorry, guys. Another time for sure soon.
- What's happening? - They're not gonna help us, Marsha
and you're not going to get Shakira either.
- Is that true? - That's not true.
- No Shakira? Oh, there will be a Shakira.
Of course, there will be Shakira.
Or Shakira-related merchandise.
If I don't see some proof right now,
I'm calling a press conference saying how Congress
boned the Girl Squaws and I'll fuck shit up.
Why don't we just calm down, Marsha?
Get off me, Judas.
Sound the Squaw alarm.
No, no, don't sound the Squaw alarm.
Mr. Speaker, breathe.
Breathe. Mr. Speaker, breath.
I know the Heimlich. Watch out.
Oh, my...
Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Speaker, we'll do it your way!
- You're caving? - Mr. Speaker is choking!
- Get help! - EMT's on the way!
This man is choking on your issue.
We have to clear the airway.
Do something.
He doesn't want it. He doesn't want it.
Oh, my God, he's dying. He's dying.
- Howard, rip open his shirt. - Okay.
Clear!
- Here, let me try. - No, I got it.
- No, wait, he's my boss. - I'm doing it.
Plus I've always wanted to do this.
Okay. God.
- Let me try it! - You're doing it...
- Wait! - Let him help you!
He was my boss before he was your boss.
It's broken. It's broken.
I'll save him. It's not broken.
- You're not doing it right. - Ah!
Stay with us, Mr. Speaker. You're my mentor.
We're not gonna lose him!
Wow.
What's going on? Why are you watching this?
- Alice is on TV. - What?
We were going to watch "Terminator."
- Brenda, can you move? - I made popcorn.
- I know. - I slept over.
Brenda, I told you that there's a 55-45% chance
that I couldn't get over Alice. Now that's going to 70-30.
- She's amazing. - Amazing?
- She has a damaged head. - Okay. 65-35.
But I might still be in love with her.
Your numbers are garbage to me.
Call me, though, because I don't know
- how this is gonna turn out.
This man that I hoped...
I hope and pray to him.
I just wanted to let you know how horrible I feel about what happened
and if that defibrillator hadn't broken,
- it would have... - It wasn't the defibrillator.
He choked to death.
But I asked God for help fulfilling big shoes of...
What is she doing here with her weird band of confederates?
Oh, I'm sure she just feels bad about yesterday.
- She's just... - Yeah, go manage it.
Okay, I got it managed. Take it off your mind.
- I've got it. - Thank you. Good.
Buck McCoy was a cold... He was my mentor.
Are you still being weird? Because if you can't stop
being weird, get away from me.
Why? Feeling guilty for some reason?
What are you talking about? Why should I feel guilty?
I saw you unplug the wire.
That is an outrageous accusation.
- Did anyone else see? - No, just me.
I'm the only one who's in on the murder.
Fate gave us a break, for God's sake.
Don't get all crumbly on me.
I need to practice my eulogy, Edwin.
This is my moment. You need to support me.
He was my mentor.
Hi, can you guys move over?
Thanks.
- What? - Get away from me.
I cannot believe I trusted you.
You were supposed to take care of me.
So I sort of lied a little bit, okay?
And I didn't understand what I was doing.
And, you know, I got caught up in the system, yes.
But I got inspired by you.
And now I might lose my job.
So what?
Was that something about the nail?
- Yes. God. - Let me get that removed, okay?
We have great healthcare in Congress
and I could give you my surgery voucher.
Is that like a Shakira voucher
or is it a real voucher?
That's a real voucher.
Well, what about my friends?
Yeah, we'll take some of that, amigo.
What? Do I look like I'm made out of vouchers over here?
I have one major surgery voucher, and I'm offering it to you.
I can't get this thing out until everyone can get help, okay?
I'm thinking bigger.
That's awesome, Alice, but you're never going to get
that bill passed until you're dead.
Either from that thing in your head
or from your old age, okay? And I care about you a lot.
And I don't want to see you die, okay?
There's got to be some way or else my country totally sucks.
It's imposs...
It's impossible unless something extremely dramatic happens very soon.
And the Speaker of the House just choked to death.
So I think we're out of drama right now.
Watch this.
What are you doing?
Wait, no. Stop. Stop. Stop it.
- This man was a great hero. - No, wait, stop, stop.
What?
What an American hero this man was! Come on!
Oh, God.
- Come on, people! - Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you, bless you.
I know, I know he was a great man.
I know him and I loved him, too, and he changed my life.
- Thank you. - Hugging the widow.
No. The widow hugs me.
And I'm going to tell the truth about you right now.
I just want to give you a hug.
No. She's going to tell the truth about Buck now.
She's not going to tell the truth about Buck.
She doesn't even know Buck.
You don't know anything about Buck either.
You just wanted his job and now you have it.
Now, sit.
What a sad, sad occasion it is that has
brought us together today.
And you're probably wondering who I am.
Well, I'm nobody. I'm just a regular citizen
that Congressman McCoy took the time to see...
on the last day of his life.
Because he was a generous
and caring man.
I was there.
I was there when he died...
trying to Heimlich the cookie chunks
from the Speaker's throat, but we just couldn't Heimlich
enough and I blame myself.
Don't blame yourself.
I do. No, I do. I blame myself.
I'm a woman with a nail in my head that I cannot afford
to fix, which might hemorrhage and kill me at any time.
But he was a man who I have learned
happily crushed every piece of health legislation
that he could get his hands on during his 31-year career.
But do you know what his last dying words were?
I do.
Because he said them to me.
He said...
he said, "Alice...
Alice, if a congressman
had a nail in his head,
Congress would pay to have it removed."
That's what he said.
Congress would pay to have it removed.
Why can't you and all Americans be shown
that same human decency? Why?
Why can't we?
This is not fair." he said. And he said,
"Let's just forget about the moon base.
Forget about it. We have plenty of defense already.
And let's pass the emergency healthcare law instead."
He reversed his position.
It's true.
I knew he always had it in him.
My husband was a big-hearted man.
Yes, he was. Yes, he was.
Let's do this.
This was his dying wish.
Let's do it for Buck McCoy.
Yes!
Tell us about your injury.
What else did Buck say before he died?
Were you attacked with a nail gun?
- Where's Howard? - There he is!
There he is!
Howard!
Did he embrace legalizing medical marijuana?
And what about stem cells?
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe yes on the medical marijuana.
How was that for dramatic?
You were amazing. That was like political karate.
I mean, you hijacked the legacy of a major political career
and then you just transformed the chi over to our cause.
- I know, right? - You're inspiring.
You are a fantastic liar, and for all the right reasons.
Oh, honey, you taught me how to lie to get what I want because you did it to me.
- But you're the better liar. - It's you.
You're the best liar. You're the better liar.
- No, no. - You are the better liar.
You're a better liar. Like, top tier liar.
Are you still mad at me?
No. I can see you were stuck in a situation that wasn't really you.
I definitely think we inspire each other.
And I think I'm in love with you.
I think I'm in love with you, too.
Alice.
You were filled with the divine spirit.
You know what? You touched the magic.
And that ain't easy, believe me.
I have been on many a pulpit.
And I have oft... But you soared.
Couldn't have did it better myself.
Alice, everyone wants to see you.
It's so exciting.
Congress guy Pam Henry wants to see you,
but in a bad, scary way.
- That is scary. - Why is that scary?
You smacked down on the most important member of the House
after we killed the other most important member of the House.
And Pam Henry plays rough.
She's a take-no-prisoners kind of gal, okay?
She's going to do us and smear us across the floor.
I'm just saying, it's not going to be good times, Beach Boys.
Okay. Well, bring it 'cause we can take her.
- Let's go. - Yeah...
Maybe... maybe we can.
You know, I want to say that I love you.
I want to be the kind of man who stays here
and fights for you and all the sad,
injured people without money.
You're a good man.
- Thanks, Norm. - Howard, what are you doing?
Look, it's just kind of a gigantic deal,
you know, when you go against your party
and all the big bosses who got you here.
So I'm just going to need to take a minute
and think about this.
Wait, you can't just leave.
You have to introduce our bill in the new session.
And you've got to be with me and stuff.
Howard, come on. We're a team.
Listen, I am going to be there.
I swear on my life.
Howard, Pam Henry wants to see you,
and you better come right now!
You tell her that I'm going to be there, all right?
I swear on my life!
Behold, I would wander far away.
I would remain in the wilderness. Psalm 55.
Some folks go crazier than a shithouse rat and let you down.
Aunt Veknuckle, '87.
He's a complicated, beautiful man
and he is not going to let me down.
As National Grand Sacajawea of all Girl Squaws,
I apologize for the total bummer
of not getting Shakira like I said.
But as payback to the guys who lied and let us down,
I propose that we direct our efforts to Congress
to get the nail out for Alice
and all Americans in such trouble.
This is Alice.
Let's welcome her to the Squaws.
If you're on a Girl Squaw campout
and an ax gets imbedded in your femur
or your face is badly burned in a s'mores accident,
you will be protected by this bill
even if your family is badly insured.
And we have a new special edition cookie to replace
the discontinued hazardous moon base cookies.
It's the Alice Nail in the Head cookie.
Soft and non-chuckable.
We will use these cookies to build support
for our healthcare bill.
- Here, here. - Here, here.
¶ Let your colors shine ¶
¶ Come on, it's raining rainbow sprinkles ¶
¶ It's raining rainbow sprinkles ¶
¶ Let your colors shine. ¶
Damn it. Girl Squaws are knocking the moon base
- literally off the front pages. - And the blogs.
And they're camping in front of the Capitol, if you can believe that.
Females are running nine to one in favor of the Alice bill
- over the moon base. - We got to do something.
Well, I did deploy the poison oak spray.
We're not animals.
Well, we have to do something to knock them off at the knees.
- It's so wrong. - Why don't we just kill them?
Hey, that topic's over. Let's focus.
Do they really have a viral video out against the moon base?
Yes, that is true.
It is very popular and it's doing a lot of damage.
Curses.
She's got a nail in her head
and her family's got a piece of crap HMO.
We have no choice but to perform unlicensed home surgery.
Scalpel, please. Quickly, quickly.
She's hemorrhaging!
But at least we have a moon base!
Well, they can camp on YouTube all they want.
I'll make sure nobody will introduce their bill.
Howard's in hiding. No way he'll help them.
What about the pro healthcare guy across the aisle?
Oh, they're pushovers.
I already threatened to cut public housing
and dangle the multicultural rainbow package
and they were so freaking happy to take it, it was pathetic.
Yeah, but these Squaws, they're tough.
We need something strong to stop them.
Hold it.
I've got something.
There's pasta primavera right there.
Extra spicy.
Some people want us to raise taxes
to pay for socialist medicine.
Maybe these people are bad news because they're lesbians.
Marsha Weber is the number two leader
of the movement behind Alice Eckle,
raised in a family lesbian cult led by this woman.
Committed to spreading lesbianism door to door
by other Girl Squaws of America.
Marsha Weber has been an influence for many years.
Stop the gay poison.
Tell your representatives you are against
the Catastrophic Care bill.
Listen up, girls.
More calamine lotion for the poison oak has just arrived.
You can get some at the first aid tent.
- ...they're lesbians. - I don't know.
It might be true. How do I know?
Hopefully, that won't hurt us too much.
I mean you be you, Marsha. That's what I mean. I support you.
Tell us about the tragedy of your gayness.
Don't hold my hand anymore, Marsha.
Hey, come on. Stick together, you guys.
I will not rest until I hunt down
whoever made this deplorable ad slamming a nine-year-old girl.
It was disgusting.
Though in no way do I support child lesbianism.
Thank you.
- I need a new sign. I'm lost. - We're all lost.
Congress is back, but Howard's not.
Pam Henry either bribed or scared anyone
who might sponsor our law.
I keep blacking out for a second.
Thanks.
Marsha, have your trackers found anything on Howard?
They picked up his trail through credit card transactions,
- but they lost it in Virginia. - God!
I understood the word "Howard."
Alice!
Your super cute boyfriend's here to see you.
Howard.
Scott.
What are you doing here?
Just bringing you some comfort food.
Chili cheeseburger with salsa fries.
They might be a little cold,
but they still taste like home.
Alice, don't you miss home?
Of course I do.
Alice, I'm sorry, I screwed up.
You know, you're a lot of woman for a man to handle.
And, honestly, I wasn't up for it before.
But I am now. I'm so proud of you.
I just... I really am.
Come on, we can be at Rusty's in 10 hours.
Scott, this is a lot to take in right now.
It's freaking me out.
Okay, well, I don't want to freak you out.
Just take your time. I'm here for you.
I know it's going to get rough.
Tomorrow's Harris polls shows you dead even with the opposition.
Wait a minute. What?
Nobody knows tomorrow's Harris numbers unless they're in Congress.
- Did somebody put you up to this to mess with me? - No, no way.
One of your little girl spies told me about the polls when I got here.
- It's a lie! He... - Hey, you shut your mouth!
That's not even true. We talked for a minute. Go.
All right. Pam Henry brought me here.
I'm not a very good liar, Alice.
But, look, they offered to make me post commander
and fund the entire squadron for photon tasers and Oakleys
if I could just get you to come home.
And I thought, that's not a bad thing.
- I want you home. - Those rat bastards.
What about my injury, Scott?
What about all the people here that I'm trying to help?
Well...
Where is the guy who will just think bigger than just himself?
That's me. I'm right here.
I want to be that guy, Alice, please.
Give me another shot. I can be that guy.
I want to give you foot massages.
I want to take baths with you.
I want to take your issue to the City Council or something.
I want you back, nail and all.
- Please... - I miss you.
- I love you more than anything. - Please don't.
- My precious honeycomb cluster. - God.
- Honeycomb cluster. - Stop.
Honeycomb cluster. Honeycomb...
I learned it for you.
I want to support you. What do you need?
She needs a sponsor!
Guys, please, can I have a second?
It's true. I need a sponsor.
Oh, my God, what are you hooked on? Coke? Meth?
Not a rehab sponsor, a sponsor for my law.
Nobody in Congress will introduce it.
Our only hope's disappeared.
Our trackers lost his trail in Virginia.
Let me help.
What's this guy's name?
Howard Birdwell.
I can probably use the brotherhood of troopers
to find this Howard Birdwell.
Scotty, if you would do that, I will be grateful to you
for the rest of my life.
The rest of our lives together.
That's how it's going to be.
I'm going to find this guy, all right?
You should marry him even if he does bring Howard back.
- He is a dreamboat. - Give me that hat.
Don't you have water rations to deliver or something?
Breaker 1-9, this is Officer Scott Beardsley, Indiana State Trooper.
Calling all my brothers for a 20 on Congressman Howard Birdwell.
Government plates G9575.
Activate LoJack, alpha bravo 6-4-9er. Over.
Roger, Beardsley. Over.
Copy that. How you doing, ladies?
Where's Howard Birdwell?
It's best if you wait here.
Hey, Howard.
I'm Congressman Birdwell. Is there a problem, Officer?
What is this, like a sex cult thing or what's the deal here?
It's a men's spiritual workshop.
How can I help you?
Alice needs you to introduce her bill tomorrow
- and I'm here to get you... - No, no. I can't go. I can't leave now.
What do you mean? She... why?
Well, I came here to find my core
and I'm only two-thirds of the way there.
I have no idea what that means,
but can that happen, like, in the next half hour?
I am going as fast as I can.
They're not handing out cores left and right
like they are at those other workshops.
This is the real deal.
And a lot depends on what happens
in the Circle of Shaman Fire.
The circle of what?
It's a special test where...
Hey, let him go!
This is why he's here.
Don't mess him up.
Back off! I need to see what I'm made of!
Get him in the legs! Go the legs! Get up!
Feint to the head, go for the body!
Feint to the head!
I can't watch you get hurt, buddy.
You're needed in Washington.
Let me do this!
It's dangerous to go until he earns
the trophy of his power.
All right, you know what?
I've never been to one of these things before,
but I think you need to just take those yourself
without anyone's permission, without this antler guy
or any of these loin cloths. You do it on your terms.
That's how you become your own man.
Yeah.
That's right, man! That's how it's done!
Yeah! Get him!
This is a big setback for all of us
and a huge blow for me personally.
We love you, Alice!
And your love definitely hasn't let me down even if my guy did.
But I think we're going to have to settle
for what we've accomplished without introducing our bill.
I am the fire warrior!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Howard. Howard.
I am the fire warrior!
I'm Howard Birdwell, Congress Man!
I have in my hand a pair of moose balls.
They give me the power to announce that I'll be resigning from my party
and becoming Independent, which will probably destroy my career!
Wow.
Yeah!
Tomorrow I will introduce on the floor of Congress
a bill that provides basic emergency healthcare
for all people.
Especially this woman who put a nail through my heart.
Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no!
- Scott. - She's my girl, all right?
I got you for her bill. That's it. No extracurricular.
- Scott, please. - Hey, that's not right!
He's a fire warrior!
You're actually with this antelope?
This guy that I found running around the woods in a diaper?
That's your guy? He wouldn't have made it...
you wouldn't have made it through the Ring of Fire
- if it wasn't for me. - That's not true.
I passed three fire tests before you even got there.
- I saved you, man! - Scott! Scott.
He gave me my first orgasm.
- What's an orgasm? - What the heck?
What?
And her second.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't think you were
going to go and get him.
So you used me.
I didn't mean to, but I guess I learned a couple
of manipulative tactics here.
From me.
I'm so sorry, Scott.
- It's not easy. - No, it's not easy.
You will always be the man I almost married
before I got a nail in my head.
Howard's the big-picture guy and he's taking care of me now.
He's the big-picture guy?
I'm gonna tell you something. He's only two-thirds of a man.
He knows he is. He's not going to be there for you.
You mark my words.
I'm going to be right here waiting for you
because I'm strong like that. Right, ladies?
You can't break up with Scotty. He's too cute!
- No, Howard's cuter. - Scott's cuter.
Unlike some people who need to be rescued
like a little baby from the Ring of Fire.
- Scott! - Howard!
Come on, everyone! Wake up!
Do your thing, girl.
Pretty cool, isn't it?
Yeah.
Howard. Oh, my God. There she is.
How are we going to get anything done with her as Speaker?
Let's just see how this goes.
As Majority Whip and acting Speaker
of the House of Representatives,
I declare this 110th Congress be called to order.
As this new session begins, I want to demonstrate
what a fair Speaker I intend to be
so that members will keep that in mind when they vote
for my confirmation next week.
So in that spirit, is there any new business?
Madam Speaker, I move to propose a basic Catastrophic Care bill
for all Americans!
Yeah!
Order! Order, please!
- We have a motion on the floor.
Madam Speaker, please wait!
I hold in my hand some important revelations
that I believe will affect the new bill
Mr. Birdwell introduced.
- What have they got? - I have no idea.
- You have no idea? - I have no idea.
I'm... I'm...
This appears to be a signed affidavit
showing that Mr. Birdwell promised another woman lobbyist
not just nine months ago that he would introduce
a bill for her in exchange for sexual favors.
This pattern clearly continues today
with Mr. Birdwell's introduction of this frivolous measure.
It is shocking that anyone can purchase
a congressman's influence with sex.
None of this is true!
Apparently, we have the woman right here.
I never had a lobbyist like that.
Woo. She's something.
Madam Speaker, only members are allowed to address Congress!
It's highly irregular, but I'm going to allow it,
given the severity of the charges
and how many tax dollars you've wasted.
Miss, what legislation did you use your hot body
to get Mr. Birdwell to introduce here?
He helped one of my clients to develop handgun factories
in endangered spotted owl preserves.
I was told that the only way that I could get funds
for my colored glues and for good school stuff
was if I put it aside in some private development deal,
which I now realize was a factory for handguns.
It seems Mr. Birdwell's convictions can be bought
fairly easily if you've got a nice pair of legs.
Look, you tried to do something good
and you got twisted up in the system.
This is just one woman. No big deal.
This isn't the only woman lobbyist
Mr. Birdwell slept with.
Howard.
This second woman got Mr. Birdwell
to introduce a bill on...
Dynamite fishing.
You monster!
It was for polluted lakes with toxic fish.
And I had to get on the board of that dynamite bill
if I was going to get heard at all on my colored glues.
Yeah, whatever!
Alice.
Alice, you all right?
- Wait! - I am no one's tool.
I was trying to do something good.
And I had to support these other bills
that I hoped would go nowhere.
And you're doing it again today.
Just so you can get yourself a piece
of 25-year-old roller waitress ass.
This is different.
How are we supposed to know that?
You sell your influence all over the place.
You stand there now with your arm
around that red-dressed hussy.
This sounds like a possible censure
involving ethics charges.
I'm afraid it does.
Too bad! He deserves it!
Scott, stop it!
Madam Speaker, I'd like to say something.
I am sorry. That's out of order.
You can't address the House. Rules are rules.
You let those other hot ladies speak!
- Why can't Alice? - Right.
Otherwise, I can't fix my broke ass!
And other peoples' broken issues!
Even the most partisan battles demand fairness!
And you yourself said your conduct here today
will be remembered tomorrow when we vote to confirm!
Here, here!
One minute.
You have the floor for one minute.
I'm going to go. I'm going to go.
Okay, okay. Are you okay?
What?
Sorry.
This bill...
is about more than a single congressman
or his lobbyist woes.
Because you know what?
Not everyone has really awesome healthcare
like you guys do here in Washington.
And all it takes is a gondola
or an automatic power tool.
And if you're uninsured
or if you're even crappily insured,
you're screwed like me.
Or like him.
And is that cool?
It is not cool.
This is America, right?
And we do things right here and we help people.
And we take care of people here.
Ow! Man, it hurts. My face feels like
- it's going to fall off. - Alice?
I believe in America!
Alice!
Yeah!
- Hey, are you okay? - I'm a little dizzy.
- Okay. You were amazing. - I was?
Well done! That was just wonderful.
Madam Speaker, you must call for a vote.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Vote, vote, vote!
Very well, we'll vote.
But remember, federally funded care is a slippery slope
leading to higher taxes and lousy service.
Well, we just heard them.
I think they're going to do the right thing.
This is going to be so dramatic here when everyone votes.
Absolutely.
Begin the vote.
- It's all electronic now. - What?
The vote is completed.
Healthcare loses like always.
- I don't feel so good. - Alice? Alice!
Alice! Alice!
Alice!
Get a picture.
- Alice, are you okay? - I'm okay, I'm okay.
Oh.
I care about everyone under this roof no matter our differences.
- Madam Speaker... - Look up, please.
One more.
Madam Speaker, one more, please.
Wait, wait, where are you going?
Alice, we're going to get you a glass of water, okay?
- Okay. - Alice!
- What do you need? - I'm okay. I'm just dizzy.
I just need some air. I need some air.
I got you.
Nice and easy, guys.
Are you okay?
I'm a little lightheaded, but it's getting better.
Alice, I can't believe this happened.
Marsha.
- I'm sorry, Alice. - It just wasn't meant to be.
I'm just right back where I started.
Who knows when we'll get fixed now.
You are not just a leader, you're one of them.
You been lying this whole time.
That's why you won't let me near your backside,
because you got a pop-out baboon ass.
- Tell her. - Yes, it's true.
But Norm and Alice said that you'd love me anyway.
All the lies are over. True love can begin.
Actually...
that's a deal breaker.
I'm sorry, Keyshawn. I can't be with you.
Between your breakup, the loss of our bill,
I'm feeling pretty sure we're alone in a Godless universe.
I've been waiting for a sign there's a God and there is no sign.
- Let's just get - Alice home, okay?
Hey, now that you're famous, it should be easy
to get you some medical help.
But what about Norm and Keyshawn?
And all those people? I wanted to help them.
And where's Howard?
I don't think you need to think about that right now.
- What do you mean? - Where is he?
No surprise there.
What?
- They're lizard people, - Alice.
They change their skins and eat their young.
It's time to go home and make a real life there.
- I don't know. - It'd be fun to have a slave.
- If he's really sorry. - He is, he is.
Wait and see.
It'll be an asset.
- Okay, let's see it. - Thank you. You won't be sorry.
Order!
We have an important statement by Congressman Birdwell.
Thank you, Madam Speaker.
First of all, I would like to clearly state
what a foolhardy mistake it was for me to leave my party.
The same goes for sponsoring that Catastrophic Care bill.
Thank God it didn't pass.
I was under the spell of a woman which, as demonstrated
by Madam Speaker today, is my weakness.
I stand here today humbly begging my colleagues
to forgive my temporary insanity
and let me back into their strong party.
Which is so much better than those Independents.
They're so lame. I mean, how many of them are there?
Like three?
That's not a party.
Let's get this moon base going!
Here, here!
How could you, Howard?
Furthermore, I would like to show my loyalty
and honor the late Speaker McCoy by proposing that we rename
the Congressional Gym the "McCoy Memorial Gymnasium."
Yeah! Yes!
Welcome back, Howard.
Welcome back.
I just want to get out of this town as fast as possible.
If it's any consolation, all the women who've slept with Howard
said the sex was either average or below average.
How's it going, hon? You ready to go?
- Yeah, I'm almost packed. - All right, let me help you.
Look at it this way, you learned a lot
about horrible liars.
...gymnasium bill today turned into mayhem
due to a surprise rider that was snuck into the bill.
- Oh, my gosh! - A version of the emergency care bill...
- You still got it! - ...was snuck into
the Congressional Gymnasium Renovation bill
by notorious Congressman Howard Birdwell.
- What? - Howard?
Now that is a sign I'm looking for.
Here to comment is pending House Speaker Pam Henry Hendrickson.
How could you and other voting members
not even read the bill, Congresswoman?
Of course I skim, Tom. I can't read everything. It's a lot of paperwork.
My chief of staff, Edwin, usually carefully
reviews bills for me, but this time he let me take it in the neck.
So I understand the sneaky little rider only provides
for emergency healthcare for the following accidents,
a nail in the head, a fallen anus...
- Yeah! -... prolonged priapism, an ax in the femur,
a face burn from a s'mores while camping.
Everyone else, you're on your own as usual.
Is this a meaningless victory?
This small but extremely dangerous bill
has opened a door to a potential avalanche
of socialist medical spending.
Let's not forget child lesbianism.
Ooh, you witch.
And we did pass the moon base bill.
That's what counts.
Thank you, Madam Speaker.
Now Birdwell's sneakiness has earned him
the dreaded triple censure.
He's now expected to officially resign from Congress
before he's kicked out.
- Wow. - Oh, that's too bad.
Mr. Birdwell joins us live via satellite.
Sounds like you're in very hot water with your leadership.
They got their moon base, Tom, but they'd pretty much
like to kill me and throw my body
into a wheat thresher, which they pretty much
already done with this triple censure.
Was the sneaky risk worth it?
Yes! To help all the people.
Alice's friends, really, but especially Alice.
All right, we don't need to watch that.
- I'm going to change it. - Scott.
No, no, no. Move, move, move.
- This is so boring. - Come on.
...really frustrating would know that I had to seem
like I was betraying her to get this done.
I thought he was a traitor, but he's not.
He's not anymore. He's not a traitor.
All for her and her dream, which I totally share.
She inspires me in all departments
from making laws to making love, which is private,
and now it's on TV, so it's not private.
I just had to say this because I know if she heard me
that she would stop hating me.
So, Alice, I don't even know if you're watching this.
I am. I am.
But everything I did, I did for you.
I love you.
I love you, too. I love you, too.
All right, well, I realized that there was about a 48% chance
of this happening, which is why I kept the Brenda option 70% open.
Is that why you're speaking to us from a motel parking lot?
Yeah. This is Alice's motel.
What?
Howard!
- Hi. - Hi.
Before we get to the ring part,
I want to say that what we were looking for was inside of us all along,
but that's just not true.
No, our journey was so much messier than that
as life, it often is.
I'm going to have our congressional candidate groom
tell you what was really required.
It took a cloakroom hookup, a mob of Girl Squaws,
a strange men's retreat located by a lovesick state trooper,
insane quasi legal maneuvering...
Well...
- ...and extreme, unpredictable God... - Yep.
...to get us where we stand today.
Yep.
These are the things we've seen
that make our democracy work.
Yes. My pants fit once again.
It is a joyous day indeed.
Would the bride and groom please kiss each other good?
Yeah! Kanye!
¶ Hush, now, child ¶
¶ And don't cry ¶
¶ Your folks might understand you ¶
¶ By and by... ¶
Get it, girl.
- ¶ Just move on up... ¶ - Okay...
¶ Toward your destination ¶
¶ Though you may find ¶
¶ From time to time complication... ¶
All right!
¶ Bite your lip ¶
¶ And take the trip ¶
¶ Though there may be a wet road ahead ¶
¶ And you cannot slip ¶
¶ Just move on up ¶
¶ For peace you'll find ¶
¶ Into the steeple of beautiful people ¶
¶ Where there's only one kind... ¶
Hey, excuse me, everyone.
I have a really special toast and an important question
to ask Howard.
Since the first day that I met you, I knew that you were something spec...
Ow! My eye!
Head's up!
- Ah! - Oh, my eye!
¶ Move on up ¶
Well, I am inviting you to a military moodiam
moodiam mean base spent before.
¶ Remember your dream is your only scheme ¶
- ¶ So keep on pushing... ¶ - No, don't.
She is going to rack us all over the coals
and it's not going to be a good time.
Excellent.
Howard! All right, all right.
Mr. Speaker?
¶ Take nothing less ¶
¶ Than the supreme best ¶
¶ Do not obey for most people say ¶
¶ For you can pass the test ¶
¶ Just move on up ¶
¶ To a greater day ¶
¶ Just a little faith, if you put your mind to it ¶
¶ You can surely do it... ¶
All right, come on!
¶ Just move on up ¶
¶ Move on up ¶
¶ We'll move on up ¶
¶ Oh, child, we'll just move on up ¶
¶ We'll move on up ¶
¶ Move on up. ¶