Monarch: I always wondered what was up with this creepy building.
Welcome to The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
Ta-daaaa!
Please step on the grating and put these on.
Have you eaten breakfast? -No.
-Not yet. -Good.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! -Are you kidding me?!
[ Clattering ]
[ Creaking ]
Here she is -- Guild Strategic Operations.
Research and development, agent training,
covert undertakings, scams-shams-&-oh-damns,
this is where it all goes down.
Every one of these doors
leads into the future of organized evil.
Shut the fucking door.
E-Except for that door.
That's the men's room.
Ladies' room!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
I-It's not what it looks like!
Dude, you have the wrong door again.
Right door. This is the B.T.C. --
Blackmail Training Center. These women are Guild agents.
And that man has the job I apply for every year.
And denied.
The S.A.C. --
The Surgical Alteration Center.
Here, after multiple surgical processes,
we alter our agents to take the place
of the world's most powerful people.
Dave Grohl? You made a guy into Dave Grohl?
Nobody refuses Dave Grohl.
He got a Beatle to be in his band.
And King Diamond! You try that, smart ass.
The Guild H.T.C. --
Hypnosis Training Center.
Here we train agents in the use
of our own method of speed induction.
[ Scoffs ] Hypnosis doesn't really work.
Oh, yeah, complete myth.
Sleep!
[ Animals snarling ]
Uh, no way. Screw this!
Relax. This is the H.T.C.
The Hologram Training Center. Observe.
These are harmless, projected imag--
Okay, no, this is real.
Wait, no, this is the V.A.T.C. --
The Vicious Animal Training Center.
Uh... who's a good ocelot?
Let's just leave really slowly.
[ Door closes ]
Watch: See? We really need to label these doors.
This the Guild Interrogation Hub.
What, it's not the G.I.H.?
No. Why would it be that?
So, anything interest you?
We were looking more for field work.
Ya know, something to help us level up.
Well, the best thing for that is to be a good earner.
You bring in lotted technology, intel, severed heads, cash...
Oh, there's the Big Villain program.
Tutor a Guild newbie for a day,
get massive brownie points at your review board.
I don't know. Maybe? I -- Who do I got to tutor?
Uh, the only one available today is St. Cloud.
Level one. Arching Billy Quizboy and the Pink Pilgrim.
Dude! They work for Venture!
It's Big-headed Billy and that albino guy.
We got to do this.
Sweet! We are so in.
-Oops. Sorry. -Please, do not touch anything.
Hey, that's my wife. Hi, sweetness!
That's secret Guild business, Mr. Monarch.
Let's get you to your Little Villain.
We can make this nice and comfortable for you.
You just confess to being a member of the Peril Partnership,
and you're a double agent for the Guild by lunch time.
I'm buying. Turkey subs?
And if I don't?
Well, that's treason.
The punishment for that is a classic.
It's called the Tub.
It's filled with milk, you lay in it,
if you're hungry we pour honey on your face.
That sounds kind of nice, actually.
At first -- ya know, till the milk spoils.
Soon the tub fills with your excrement,
then the flies, and their maggots.
At first it itches a bit, then it starts to burn.
Your skin peels away with every scratch
you can't stop yourself from making.
The blood mixes with the foul milk and excrement,
seeping into your open wounds.
The smell of your own death causes you to vomit
into your already toxic coffin. Then the rats.
Oh, right, yeah, the Peril Partnership.
Is that what you're...
Yes, let's talk about them.
#21: How? He owns the X-2?
How the hell is this guy only a level one Antagonist?
Right? The X-2?
I haven't been aboard this thing in years.
It's like visiting the house you grew up in...
if you, like, buried a dead guy behind it.
Ugh. So eerily familiar.
#21: Ya know what looks familiar?
That. That's Blue Thunder. Roy Scheider flew that!
Dude, remember how ripped he was in "Marathon Man"?
He was like Bruce Lee.
Frigg'n Roy Scheider -- "Jaws" dad, secret six pack.
Who knew? Ahoy, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard the X-2,
as seen on "The Rusty Venture Show."
Ah, uh, hello, there, uh, son.
Uh, do you know where Mr. St. Cloud is?
Oh, goodie, I'm being hazed by my Big Villain.
And I wore my rubber panties just in case you tickle me.
I always make wee-wee with tickles.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's St. Cloud?
[ Car horns honking ]
[ Door opens ] Dr. Venture: I brought crullers!
And one apple fritter that's mine.
And two of the crullers are mine as well.
Where are you guys? Freeze!
All right, prove that you're the real Doc.
This is totally a laser gun.
No. And what is that, a caulk gun?
Show what we got in the mail this morning.
♪♪
"Welcome to your demise, yada yada yada"...
Mm-hmm. [ Mumbles indistinctly ] Yeah.
You guys, this is a boilerplate Guild threat.
Please.
I tried to tell him that.
Liar! You're as freaked as I am, White!
Billy, it's a scroll. Hello?
It's like being scared of a book report
on the Declaration of Independence.
Did you not read the part that mentioned disemboweling?
It personally threatens my intestines.
[ Sighs ]
Come in, Brock.
We have a level one Guild arching threat.
Brock: So? What do you want, an aspirin or something?
See? It's nothing.
Where do you keep the caulk?
I got to load this bad-boy.
Just keep an eye on basic Peril Partnership operations.
You're more like a concerned friend than a spy.
And you'll help me with my problem?
Sign it, and I'll do everything I can to --
[ Door opens ]
So you don't want to talk, huh, punky pall?
Does a cat have your tongue?
Well, I am just the dog to get that cat off of your tongue!
Where is the disrupter ray, Mr. Think-you're-tuff-guy?!
What are you talking about?
He's agreed to work with us
if we help him get his girlfriend back.
Help get his girlfriend back?
Is this interrogation room 8-C?
This is room 8-B.
My mistake.
You have no need of my super-intimidating
bad cop routine.
What you need is a make-over!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Then we all get milkshakes!
-We're not going. -I don't want to do that.
♪♪
#21: Look at all this stuff!
That's the 1973 "Sigmund and the Sea Monster" suit.
Where did he get this?
I like his albino. Quiet.
You should take notes on this guy.
Ta-da!
My snazzy villain ensemble.
Ah...I don't get it.
No, no, he's a lightening cloud.
Ya know -- St. Cloud, cloud hat?
Should it be tighter, mm, sexier?
Ooh, God, no! It's already --
Okay, no -- It's a start. So, what's your weaponry, eh?
Can you lay down like a blinding smoke cloud,
or does lighting come from your hat?
These are made of foam core.
Do you have any super powers?
Like, ya know, were you bit
by a radioactive bug or anything?
Mm, well, I do have Lupus, Fibromyalgia,
and Restless Leg Syndrome.
Mm, maybe we can work with the restless leg?
-Stop. -Super restless leg.
-That's dumb. -All right, fine.
So, you have no special abilities?
-I have money. -Perfect!
We'll get a top-of-the-line lightning rifle, and, uh --
Cloud bombs loaded with nerve gas.
Level one, dude, level one.
Cloud bombs with laughing gas.
Billy! Let's go in there.
Come on, you can't hide in the can all day.
I got a belly full of crullers and a delicate colon.
Let's go!
There are like 10 bathrooms in this --
Ow.
[ Laughs ]
-You're dead. -What the hell?
I thought we were in time out.
I told you this -- Never be standing
behind the door you open.
It could have been a kill-bot with my voice
programmed into it. I actually made one of those.
His name was Guardo, and he could've just killed you.
Behind every door is a threat, every sound is a warning,
every shadow is a villain, every step is a --
[ Gun fires ] Gah!
How in the hell did you --
Billy looked at you.
I'm armed, but my back is still turned.
You're only wounded. Come at me, hand to hand.
Keep low, break my balance. If you have an edge weapon...
He just ran away, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. I-I'm pretty sure he was crying.
Monarch: More smoke!
Now throw your catch phrase.
St. Cloud: Look out, do-gooders.
Use the P.A.!
You're supposed to be big and scary!
Reset!
[ Echoing ] I hope you brought rubbers,
because a storm is coming.
That's nasty, and not even a little scary.
Rubbers?
Uh, rain booties.
Don't improve! Reset!
Hey, what flavor is this fog?
It's making me hungry. Pineapple!
Now come out of the smoke and give your evil laugh.
Over here! You're facing the wrong way!
The fog is disorienting.
Evil laugh!
I will get you...
[ Laughs awkwardly ]
What the hell was that?
Are you having an asthma attack?
That was my evil laugh. Ugh, it's disgusting.
I mean, it's scary, but in like that gross way.
You need a real, from the gut, bone crusher of a laugh.
Reset. Real evil laugh!
Do not embarrass me in front of Venture.
[ Softly ] Mah-ha-hahaha...mm.
Ew. Will you stop putting that weird groan at the end?
Here, listen to a pro. Show him an evil laugh.
[ Chuckles ]
Gladly. [ Cracks neck ]
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Reset!
[ Elevator chimes ]
Don't put on the kettle, I'm not staying --
just got to pick my clubs.
What the hell are you doing here?
Shh. [ Hushed ] Brock is training us to fight,
so I'm doing what I do best, which is to secretly cower.
[ Hushed ] Oh. Hey, that reminds me...
[ Normal voice ] Damn it!
[ Laughs ]
I said trust nobody!
♪♪
Ugh, I want this car so bad.
I know you do. So, ready to pull your first penis?
That sounds unappetizing.
Oh, no, penis is just an acronym, uh,
for Preliminary Effective New Information Schooling.
It's like recon, but, uh, you bust shit up.
Then why not call it recon instead of penis?
[ Chuckles ] Instead of what?
Instead of penis.
[ Chuckling ]
Of what?
-Of penis. -I can't hear you back there.
Penis. I said penis. Penis!
[ Humming ]
Yeah, the O.S.I. never changes their passwords.
And, boom, here she is -- Agent Kimberly McManus.
Ooo-laa-lushious! Way to go, S-464.
Ladies do love exposed brains.
How do you know what she looks like?
That's melt-in-your-mouth code we're looking at.
She's working daycare.
Level One arches, surveillance, intervention...
Do we have any Level One arches scheduled today?
One -- Augustus St. Cloud.
He just put in a requisition for a Level One lightning rifle
and laughing gas grenades. And he paid in cash.
Dolla-dolla bills, my brotha.
All right.
Uh, upgrade the lightning rifle to level six and send it out.
Mm, six level lighting -- that should get her attention.
She'll have to intervene on a treaty violation,
so will we, and you will get your lady back.
Isn't that, like, dangerous?
We're The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
We're the bad-guys.
Own it, gentlemen.
[ Glass shatters ] Uh...Ow.
[ Sighs ] Eh...
[ Clears throat ] I am Augustus St. Cloud,
arch nemesis of The Quizboy.
I'm here to bust things up and chew bubble gum,
and I find bubble gum unpleasant.
[ Scottish accent ] Oh, ho-ho, laddie boy...
[ Cracks knuckles ]
you chose the wrong place to talk tough.
Rose? Rose, dear?
There's a wee-little pest in here!
You're...stronger than anticipated.
Oh, they're just water bugs, Horace.
Honestly. Oh, hello, there.
He says he's here to bust things up.
Apparently, he's your son's nemesis.
You want to hurt my Billy?
Horace, put him down.
Mamma bear wants a piece of that action.
Oh, you're in for quite the pummeling, there, sonny.
I'll let you take the first swing,
and if you don't put me down
I'll beat the living shit out of you
till my arthritis kicks in, and I just took my Humira.
[ Helicopter rotors whirring ]
♪♪
Ugh, who the hell is this now?
Didn't you say I'm clear for a while?
This isn't for you, it's for them.
I'm sorry! I had to put this place down as our Sanctum.
My place is filled with helpless old people.
-What does it say? -[ Sighs ]
"I will get you. Mruu-haha."
-Who's Mruu-haha? -[ Sighs ]
It's an evil laugh, Billy.
Wait a minute.
That's exactly how The Monarch spells his evil laugh,
with the stupid M, R, and two U's.
You think that's a coincidence?
I think it just got personal.
Boys, get your coats on. We're stepping up our game.
♪♪
[ Case unlatches ]
Pei put makeup on me. How does it look?
Less like an old woman beat your face,
but more like if Michael Kors worked at the Wonka factory.
Mmm, goody. So, what's in the case?
That, my Little Villain, is your new lightning rifle.
21, why don't you tell 'em what six figures gets ya
at the Guild company store.
Rubberized titanium stock and hand guard,
air assisted charging handle.
Activation bolt, energy magazine release,
gives you 10 level-one rated blasts,
regulated here at the ejection port...
[ Rifle cocks ]
balance at the handle, which doubles as a rear sight drum.
And that's all the cookies
I need to sell to get my merit badge.
-Here, give her a go. -[ Groans ]
Owie. I landed on my bum-bum.
[ Groans ] Help him up and get him changed for his arching.
Damn it, it was so cool until then.
[ Lighter clicks ]
Quizboy: Four months?!
We need these costumes tonight --
like, in a couple hours!
Oh, you no just steal suits
like-a this beautiful rogue here?
Ah! Enzo no stay mad. Rusty good man -- mostly.
Enzo. Enzo?
You don't have any old rentals for special friends?
You play Enzo's heart strings! Okay!
For the pink man, yes, but for him?
He's like a bambino.
Oh, but his head is like big strong man,
like-a man maybe six meters tall. Molto grande!
I'll pay double rental.
I want these guys invincible
for their first New York arching.
Ooh! First time?
So exciting. I set you up.
But Enzo no hear that!
Enzo, he know nothing.
[ Car horns honking ]
Hey, move that thing outta here, buddy!
Not gonna happy, pal! The engine died.
Will you take West 56th already?
Agent McManus, in position.
Level one arches are so cush these days.
They never blocked traffic for us when we were coming up.
[ Hissing in distance ] I smell pineapple.
It is show time!
[ Yelling ]
Should we go watch now?
Mm, yuck. After I finish this latte.
It was nine dollars.
Nine. For a latte.
♪♪
Ugh. Come on!
You got to get out there!
Quizboy: No way! I'm not wearing this!
Billy, from 1962 till puberty,
Delta Boy of Venus kicked ass in that suit.
It's nigh impenetrable,
now get out there and kick some ass!
It can't be any worse than White's.
Seriously?
I-I really thought a guy called "Killer Drone"
would've had a cooler costume.
Wow. You look like a real super hero.
You look like a can of Diet Pepsi.
At least I don't look like the girl from the Blind Melon video.
Well, her stinger didn't shoot darts,
and her wings didn't actually work.
Huh? Huh?
Yeah, okay, these don't either.
St. Cloud: Billy Quizboy!
A storm is coming for you.
Put on your rubbers. Mm.
#21: Oh, so close!
My God! Don't improvise!
Hear my thunder!
Fear my lighting!
[ Thunder rumbles, crashes ]
[ Yells ] What the [bleep]?!
That rifle's supposed to be a stun gun!
♪♪
W-What do we do? I don't have any weapons or anything.
Don't worry, White shoots darts from his butt.
Your job is to give a heroic speech.
Now get out there and do me proud.
It's Level One, Billy. It's a show.
He stuns you, you stun him, he vows revenge,
and then you tell him that good always triumphs over evil.
-Does it? -Of course not.
Now get out there and get this crap over with.
You're blocking traffic.
Oh, and he's taken out like it's trash day.
Swing and a miss!
Way to go, Venture! Love the costumes!
They look nothing like you rescued them from Lidsville!
Oh! He's coming out!
And he's facing the right way!
Oh, you brought your albino?
Coward. I left mine at home.
I'm not his albino.
People don't own albinos!
Eat my darts, St. Cloud!
[ Grunts ]
-Ugh. -So undignified.
Were we this bad when we started?
Agent McManus, O.S.I. I'm shutting this down.
I've suspicions that your man has an unregistered rifle.
Kimberly. It's me, S-464.
Oh, fantastic. You're on daycare duty, too?
Perfect. Just great.
And in the darkest night,
even when you can't find a flashlight
that isn't, like, out of batteries or something,
good always prevails over evil.
Take this, Quizboy.
[ Laughs awkwardly ]
[ Moans ]
Evil laugh fail -- And he's just gassed himself.
Ah! [ Coughing distance, groaning ]
What's my wife doing here?
[ Coughing, laughter ]
[ Laughing ] What the hell?
Is this laughing gas? You -- you moron!
-[ Laughing ] St. Cloud... -[ Giggling ]
...you asshole! It's go time!
Oh, I'm so woozy. White?
I'm gonna puke in my Delta Boy suit.
[ Giggling continues ] [ Thunder crashes ]
St. Cloud: [ Laughing ] Who has my rifle?
The Peril Partnership are scum, honor-less scum!
I said I was done with you, and I meant it!
Oh, my God, will you give him a chance?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Uh...excuse me? You heard me?
Uh, listen, you O.S.I. lackey, I will wipe the floor
with your fat, trucker ass.
I don't care if he loves you, set all this up,
and is help us spy on the Peril Partnership all for you,
'cause I am going to kick the shit out of you.
You're a double agent?
You did all this for me? Why didn't you just tell me?
No, no, no! Screw this happy-ending crap!
This bitch is gonna get a beatdown!
Uh...Councilwoman Smith! [ Laughs ]
I'm so glad you answered my call.
My Little Villain had a mishap with his rifle.
Why don't you two take off?
There's gonna be tons of paperwork,
and, uh, there's no reason to ruin all our nights.
We will handle this.
You would've lost your seat on the council if you'd fought her.
[ Sighs ] Thanks. You saved my life.
No, I saved your job.
I just saved that woman's life.
You would've kicked her ass.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
Quizboy: So, he shoots me with his rifle, right,
and I thought, "I'm dead, this is it."
Me, too! Ah, there were all these sparks...
-Oh! -...flying around him.
But the suit, the giant suit, it absorbed the blast,
and there I am, still standing.
And then I started kicking him, right?
Like "Goodfellas" style, just -- just wailing on him.
Huh? Uh! Uh!
Beatin' on his rib cage with his foot.
Go get your damn shine box, St. Cloud!
Ha! How do you like that? Huh?
Well, White is just goin' at his rib cage like it's --
like there's money in it. -Right? Oh, totally!
We housed him. [ Speaking indistinctly ]
When, uh, when are you gonna tell 'em
that they were hallucinating on nitrous,
and, uh, we found the three of them asleep
in a little pile?
Never.
Penis.