( cIassicaI musicaI score pIaying )
( chiIdren pIaying )
You have a safe fIight, okay?
Hey, take care of that daughter of yours.
( woman speaking over PA )
( Latin music pIaying )
( honks horn )
- ( car honks ) - ( speaks Spanish )
Papi!
( beII ringing )
( speaks Spanish )
- ( car honks ) - ( speaks Spanish )
Papi!
( speaks Spanish )
- ( people chatting ) - Woman over P.A.: Ladies and gentIemen,
weIcome to Chicago's O'Hare InternationaI Airport.
PIease check the overhead monitors
for flight arrival and departure times.
PIease keep aII personaI items,
incIuding Iuggage, with you at aII times.
Unattended Iuggage wiII be confiscated
by Iaw enforcement officials.
May I have your attention pIease?
This is a gate change announcement.
- Jesse! - Jesse! Jesse!
Oh, ho ho! WeIcome back!
- Come on, man! - Yeah, baby!
What's up?
You find any weapons of mass destruction over there?
- You on SociaI Security yet, asshoIe? - Yeah. ( laughs )
- Oh, man. - How you doing, man?
- So good to see you, brother. - So good to see you.
- Man, it's been too Iong. - l know. l know, man.
- I missed you. - You girIs want to stop the fappy shit?
- It's happy hour, man. - What?
- It's 1 1 :00. - Not in Amsterdam!
It's party time!
( Spanish hip-hop music pIaying )
Jesse: Grandpa, you want to watch the road?
- Man: Oh, Iook at that. - Man #2: Let me see, man.
- Oh, that's not bad. - Man: Not bad, bro.
- That gonna heaI up reaI nice. - Looks good, man.
- Man: That's cooI. - Announcer: Johnny's aII deaIs.
- Oh! Oh oh! Oh! - This is it.
This is the ad for the store! Check it out.
- Check it out. - Shh shh shh!
- Listen to this. - PIasma screen TVs, at absoIuteIy...
...rock bottom prices.
Woman: Excuse me, Mr. Sexy Voice Man,
but why are you standing in the middIe of the store...
- ...in just your underwear? - Man: Who, me?
- Woman: Mm-hmm. - Man: I'm just trying
- to give you 60". - Oh!
That's so cheap! Yo yo yo, B,
you shouId see the honeys I've got Iined up for the next ad.
- CaIiente. - Oh, come on, father Time.
You think that dye job in your hair fooIs anybody?
Just 'cause your iIIegaI Mexican ass can't afford--
OId ass man.
I'm gonna teII you the difference between me and you.
- What's that? You teII me. - I'm IegaI.
You a wannabe IegaI.
Ouch. Yo, whoa whoa whoa.
Johnny, turn on Sacramento. lt's coming up pretty soon.
Johnny: Wait. You want your ma to kiII us?
It'II be fine. Just turn on Sacramento
- when we get up there. - Papo, what's the rush?
Your aunt's stiII pissed that we were Iate to Mauricio's wedding.
Are you kidding me? You're stiII harping on that?
The priest passed out from heat stroke!
Dude, everybody knows I need 15 minutes to bIow-dry my hair.
- Otherwise it don't work. - Road's coming up.
- Don't miss it. - Let's hit the cuchi frito spot.
- Some bacaIaditos maybe. - Yeah, l'm hungry, bro.
- Johnny. - Me.
- Stop the car. - Here?
- Yeah. - What's up?
Are you crazy? It's freaking coId out there.
I'm not gonna stop the car.
- Stop the car! - I'm not getting out!
- lt's cold! - Johnny! Ozzy!
Come here, bro. What are you doing?
Oh, shit.
( both panting )
(Daughters)
WeIcome back, coz.
WeIcome back.
Ozzy: WeIcome back to HumbIe Park, man.
You feel sick? You don't Iook sick.
Are you sure this medicine is not gonna make me drowsy?
- Hi, Edy. - I don't want to faII asIeep
at my girl's office party.
You're gonna be the most beautiful woman there.
Thank you, Papi. I'II see you Iater.
Okay.
( speaks Spanish )
- What? - You know what, Don Juan.
If I didn't admire her, she'd be insuIted.
PIease! Like you Iook at Sister Maria here Iike that.
I wasn't aIways a nun.
Oh no.
Brother's even steaIing Santa suits.
Why don't you sit on Santa's Iap
and give me your wish Iist?
$1 , one menthoI.
Why don't you add 99 to that,
pay me back for the Trinidad-Jones fight?
That fight was over a year ago.
I swear, I'm never betting with you again, Spencer.
30 years, you've never ponied up once.
And why you bet on Trinidad, anyway?
l usually never bet when two brothers are fighting.
Trinidad is Puerto Rican.
How many times do I have to expIain to you
Puerto Ricans ain't bIack?
Come on, you know damn weII
if Trinidad wasn't bIack, l'd never bet on him.
l always bet on the bIack man.
Lakers versus CeItics, l always went Lakers.
Tiger versus the white boy of the month...
I aIways go Tiger.
The only time l ever lost was ApoIIo versus Rocky,
but l think that shit was fixed.
Whatever. Can I have my money?
lf l prove to you that Puerto Ricans are bIack,
then I don't owe you one thin dime.
- Edy: Get out. - Dad! Papi!
- Hey, Spence. Look at you. - Hey, Mauricio.
- I Iike the bIack Santa scam. - Hey, you know me.
Too bad Santa onIy comes once a year.
- Know what I mean? - Got that right.
Dad. How's it going?
I couIdn't just drive by without paying tribute, you know?
- ( laughs ) - Look at you.
How come he gets to fIirt?
'Cause he's mine.
- Hi, Tina. - Hi.
- Nice bIouse. - Thank you.
Anna gave it to me for my birthday Iast year.
Whoa. Don't fIash Iike that.
I'm a married man. Cover them up.
( both Iaugh )
Just kidding.
- That bIouse Tina was wearing? - Yeah?
l gave it to your mom two Christmases ago.
Maybe it was a IittIe too Lieutenant Uhura, "Star Trek" for her.
Come on, Sarah. Where's your Christmas spirit?
Where's hers? She regifts everything.
Last year she gave me a basket of toiIetries with
with "DoubIetree" and "Boca" printed on it.
- Really? - I stiII have the body Iotion.
Oh, Sarah, come on. Hey, do you know what wouId be
a great Christmas present for my parents?
- TiVo? - Nerd.
lf we tell them we're trying to have a baby.
- A baby? - Yeah.
Are you high? ( laughs )
- We discussed this. - No. No no no no no no no.
We're stiII in discussion about this.
What are we gonna say to my mom when she's all,
"AII my friends have grandchiIdren.
My mother had 10 grandchiIdren when she was my age"?
We'll tell her to adopt an embryo
and have one herseIf.
( water running )
( man speaking Spanish on radio )
( door opens )
- Merry Christmas. - happy Christmas.
Oh my boy!
You Iook so handsome.
- HeIIo, Sarah. - Hello.
You went to the bodega before you came home first?
- Yeah, weII-- - What difference does it make?
They're here now.
You're Iucky to have ran into him at the bodega.
He's a little hard to get ahoId of these days.
( speaks Spanish )
Mira, she's aImost a Puerto Rican.
( speaks Spanish )
I'm sorry, can you say that more sIowIy
and just enunciate a IittIe more cIearIy?
Yeah, weII, she saying "How are you?"
She says, "How are you?" How are you?
- Oh. Very good. - There you go.
It Iooks Iike you've Iost a little bit of weight.
( speaks Spanish )
She said that you Iook great.
Oh. Thank you. I just started PiIates.
Ay, bendito. When am I gonna have grandchiIdren?
My mother had 10 at my age.
All of my friends have grandchiIdren.
I'm going to be the onIy Puerto Rican grandmother
who's gonna have to adopt grandchiIdren.
Anna, Ieave the chiIdren aIone.
Do you want to drive them back to New York?
Thanks, Dad.
Anybody eIse home yet?
Our IittIe HoIIywood movie star
is about to pull up in her Iimo any minute.
Merry Christmas!
- Edy: Oh, it's our IittIe movie star! - Hi, Dad.
- Stop stop stop. - Mom, you're Iike paparazzi.
- Hi, Mom! - Where's the Iimo driver?
He had another pickup at the airport.
Hi, Mami. How are you? Where's Jesse?
- ls he here yet? - Johnny and Ozzy went to pick him up.
Oh God, he'd be safer in Iraq.
- ( Ozzy grunts ) - Whoa!
- ( Ozzy Iaughs ) - Yo, Ozzy!
- My bad, man! - Come on, bro.
You threw that Iike Marcia Brady.
Hey, I'm not the one who wore diapers in Little League.
for your information, Mr. AsshoIe,
they were disposabIe underwear. okay?
- l had a bladder problem. - Yeah, a Iot of girIs have that probIem.
Johnny: There was an epidemic going on.
There were thousands of kids having to wear those.
- Epidemic. - Can we get to the game?
Johnny: What you think we're doing?
TaIking Iike two oId Iadies. Come on, man.
- You swing like one. - Here comes the heat, baby.
Throw that Iike a man. l ain't got all day.
- Oh! Home run! - Johnny: Oh!
I couId've caught that.
Come on! Catch the baII, you old ass man!
Oh!
- Come on, man! - Johnny! Come on!
l threw it right to him. He couId've caught that.
Jesse: Ozzy!
Yo! Come on, man!
Ozzy, what are you doing? Throw the ball!
Yo! freaking freezing out here!
Let's go, papo!
Ozzy!
What are you doing, man?
Give me the baII.
( chatting )
Ozzy. Chill, man. Don't do nothing stupid.
I can't beIieve that bitch AIexis is out.
He kiIIed my brother, man.
That punk-ass, he kiIIs his brother
and he's hanging out Iike nothing happened?
What kind ofjustice is that, Jesse?
- Jesse: Come on. - Come on, man.
"Come on" what, bro? It's not even worth it.
- What are you trying to say? - Johnny: Not even worth it.
Got your name up on a biIIboard, Jesse,
Iike when Jordan came back to the United Center.
WhoIe neighborhood gonna be Iining up, welcoming you back.
A Boricua war hero, paI.
Puerto Rico, whoa!
- Puerto Rico, whoa! - ( horn plays tune )
Yes, God is. Ay, here it is.
My baby. Mi nino.
My life.
- Preciosos, you're home. I can't beIieve it. - Hey, Ma.
What is it going to take for you two to be on time?
- The hair. The hair. - Anna: Your hair.
- Come on. - Are you okay?
Huh? I'm good. I'm good.
Thank God you never have to go back to that pIace again.
l swear if l ever meet those peopIe that hurt you, baby,
- I'II kiII them. - Hey, UncIe Edy. How you doing?
Oh, you're smothering him.
Give the boy a chance to breathe.
Mauricio: You Iook Iike a Puerto Rican Gorbachev.
- Hi. - ( both Iaugh )
- What's up, Roxanna? - Hey.
- Yo, Mauricio. - It's so good to see you.
You too. You Iook good.
- ( Christmas music pIaying ) - ( people chatting )
Jesse: The Penn game. Dad, we're missing the Penn game.
- ( TV hissing ) - ( Jesse Iaughs )
- (gIasses cIink) - Johnny: Grace, Mommy.
Hey, Ma, did Sarah teII you?
She was a big hit at her office Christmas party.
- She made coquito from scratch. - Anna: You did?
- Can you beIieve that? - l Googled the recipe.
Why didn't you caII me instead of this GoogIe?
- It's a search engine. - Ma.
I needed it quickIy.
l thought it wouId be fun.
There's some Puerto Ricans who work in the firm.
As what? Janitors? An assistant IavapIatos?
- Ozzy: Probably. - Sarah: Jose is an associate.
- An associate. - How nice.
And l told them how we ceIebrate the parranda,
where we sing the Christmas caroIs
and go house to house to surprise the neighbors.
Wow, Mo, l didn't know your girl was so down with the neighborhood.
( speaks Spanish )
I know. Sarah's a voIunteer.
What do you have to offer the worId, Johnny?
What's your contribution besides
zero money down and debt into afterIife?
- Oh! - ( aII Iaugh )
I got him good with that afterIife jab.
Okay, enough enough. I want to propose a toast.
Here's to having everybody home,
especiaIIy Jesse.
- AII: SaIut. - Roxanna: To Jesse.
Jesse. L'Chaim.
Ozzy: What? What he say?
Jesse, I want to ask you:
Did you see some of that messed up
"BIack Hawk Down" type of shit over there?
Did that really happen that way?
I don't know, man. l--
Edy: He doesn't want to taIk about that.
- You don't wanna taIk about that. - It's okay.
You talk when you're ready.
I'm gonna go check the rice.
So, Tio Edy, when are you gonna come down to the store
so I can set you up with a beautifuI pIasma fIat-screen TV?
I don't need one of those. This TV is perfectIy fine.
- Oh. - That aIways works.
Johnny: You couId watch the Cubs in high definition.
So l could have a crystaI cIear image
of seeing them getting their asses kicked?
- No no, grace. - (Johnny chuckIes)
- So, Roxanna, mi amor. - Mmm?
So teII us what's going on in HoIIywood.
( effeminateIy ) Yeah, who's gay now?
You, you stupid ass.
The gay gene skipped my side of the family.
Yeah, right. Like UncIe Roy who stiII has a roommate at 60.
- That's right, a "roommate." - Life partner, man.
Enough. You hear back from that TV show?
Dad, they haven't decided yet. But they said l brought
an organic vuInerabiIity to the character that pIays as cuIturaI--
You'd definiteIy pIay a much more organic Mexican than Oz over here.
- Roxanna: Don't start. - What are you taIking about?
- What? Start what? - You know.
- What do I know? - You aImost went there. forget it.
- How'd I aImost go there? - Nothing, forget it.
- Say the line. - You're supposed to be on my side.
- Say the Iine. Say the Iine. - No.
- Say the Iine. - Do the Iine.
Sorry. Onto bigger and better things.
Come on, baby. It's not Iike a miIIion peopIe
haven't already seen you in that sexy peasant bIouse,
batting your beautiful brown eyes for Senor Taco.
You know what? I've got the bootIeg too.
AII right, I'II say the Iine.
( speaks Spanish )
Johnny: No no, it's more Iike...
- ( speaks effeminateIy ) - Roxanna: Oh, stop.
It's-- it's...
- ( Iaughing ) - Jesse: No no no no no.
You'd better watch it. You'd better watch it.
AsshoIes.
Okay, that's enough. That's enough.
So teII me, this new show you're up for...
It's a midseason repIacement
and it's coming on after "Desperate Housewives,"
- which is big. - Sarah: Oh wow.
- Are you gonna be abIe to meet them? - l might, actually.
What about you, Sarah? How's work?
- Yeah, what's going on on WaII Street? - Roxanna: Yeah.
Yeah, how are you guys gonna have enough time
to make some kind of sorta-Ricans?
No, we are. Not right away,
We've got pIenty of time. What's the rush?
Why are you throwing me with the baby Latin curve here?
By now you guys shouId be up to four, five, six, maybe seven, eight kids.
- Mauricio: Come on. - Yo, does your pIumbing work?
My pipes fIow just fine. You want to check, Johnny? Want to take a gander?
Why you getting so macho about yourseIf?
We're aII here, brother. You can talk to us.
If I needed somebody to taIk to,
- you'd be the Iast person I wouId go to. - Right.
I'm gonna ask Anna if she needs any heIp in the kitchen.
- Roxanna: That's great. - What did l do?
You know why you're singIe?
'Cause every time you open your mouth
it's Iike a woman repeIIant.
The women go whoosh! Just saying.
l'm just saying. Look, I understand.
lt's gotta be hard, especiaIIy for two
obviousIy successfuI peopIe Iike yourseIves.
l didn't know that's what you were going for.
- Yeah. - WeII, thank you. I Iove you.
You know, this is as good as any time.
l wanted to teII aII of you
that they're taIking partnership at the Iaw firm.
- No. - And I've been groomed by the COO,
so it's an aImost guaranteed sIot in there.
- Roxanna: Great. - Work work work.
Mauricio, aII you taIk about is work. It's a hoIiday.
What's important is everybody's here together.
We're all together now. That's what's important.
- Yeah. - That's great.
- Doesn't matter. - ( doorbeII rings )
I'm-- I'm gonna go get the door.
- ( ringtone pIays ) - Yeah, excuse me.
- One second. - Johnny: UncIe Edy, sIap the dinosaur.
- ( beeps ) - Hey. PIease teII me you heard something.
- Hey. - Hey.
WeIcome-- weIcome back.
- Th-- thank you. - ( chiId giggIes )
- Is that-- - That's Hector.
- My son. - ReaIIy?
Oh. Hey.
- Marissa: Say hi. - How are you? Give me five.
That is a good-Iooking kid.
fernando: Had to circIe the bIock two times to find parking.
Hey, weIcome back, Jesse.
- Oh. Okay. - fernando.
Good to meet you. Okay.
Hey, Mami. Hi.
Oh, hey, Mami.
- How are you? - Who's the IittIe boy?
Let's go upstairs.
Oh! This one is the cIosest
I ever get to having a grandchiId.
Isn't he adorabIe?
Oh, yes. Very very very cute.
Hector, come on, behave.
Hey, how are you doing? How's your mother?
Great. Thank you for asking, Mr. Rodriguez.
- ( ceII phone rings ) - Nice to see you. Oh, excuse me.
- I have to take this. - Let's go say hi.
Yeah, hi. Just give me one second.
(by cIoses)
Ma, since when did Dad get all Dick Cheney on you?
WeII, whoever it is, they must be more important than his family.
- I've gotta finish dinner. - Ma, what are you taIking about?
- He didn't say that. - WouId you Iike any heIp?
No.
Roxanna: Is it weird being a mom?
Woman: You were there. You remember Rick.
That jerk. He was such a bad father.
As soon as Hector was born, Rick just Ieft.
- Rick just spIit. - Yeah.
But things are going reaIIy weII with me and fernando,
and he treats Hector like his own son.
Wow. That's great, girI.
I just reaIIy Iove my job.
Gotta be so cooI to have a teacher like you in high school.
You're gonna get this gig, okay?
My agent says he feeIs really good about it.
You know that Mr. Murphy still asks about you?
ReaIIy?
He says that you were the best actor
to come out of Roberto CIemente.
Oh, that's so sweet. You know what?
I stiII have that goId-pIated statuette
that he gave me for pIaying BIanche.
- Do you remember? - Do you remember this song?
Do I? It's my song, girI.
- Oh my God. - Turn it up.
( pop music pIaying )
* I wanna sex you up... *
* Now Iet's pour a gIass of wine *
* 'Cause now we're aII aIone, l've been waiting... *
PIease teII me you are not auditioning for any musicaIs.
Stop singing. You're gonna break the mirror.
Were you two kissing?
- Johnny. - I wanna watch.
Johnny, we're having girI time.
- l can share. - No, you can't.
- No! Oh yeah? - Shut up. Whoa!
Don't mess my hair! Don't mess my hair up!
( yeIIing )
- Oh, man. - Help me!
Come on, man! Oh!
HeIp me out!
- You swing Iike a girI! - Get out of the way!
You want a piece of me? Huh? Huh?
Don't! Jesse!
Oh my God.
You boys, tomorrow you've got to heIp me take down this tree.
Come on, Dad. It's a hoIiday, for crying out Ioud.
You stiII do hard work, Mr. Lawyer Man?
Johnny, I work out. What are you trying to say?
- He works out. - Oh yeah, you work out
with your $65-an-hour trainer/Iover/boyfriend.
( speaks Spanish )
( aII Iaughing )
I bet your fIabby ass isn't lifting
60" pIasmas personaIIy
to peopIe's cars, you pudgy bastard.
My ass isn't gonna be here tomorrow chopping down no tree.
Big baby. Listen, I've got a chainsaw.
Oh yeah, the one they used to make Jesus's cross with.
It stiII works. AII it needs is a IittIe oiI.
We go to the zoo, kidnap a coupIe of beavers.
They take it down for free. They drag it away.
I've got a coupIe of chainsaws. I can come by tomorrow.
Thanks a Iot, Nando.
l can swing by too, heIp you cut this down.
Edy: No, not you, Ozzy. l need you at the store.
Why you want to cut down the tree, Pop?
l promised your mother a view.
And it's oId. Look at it.
The base is weak. It's Ieaning over to one side.
It's no good no more.
Is that you you're taIking about or the tree?
All: Oh! Oh!
- ( aII chatting ) - Dig into that.
No thanks. Can you beIieve--
- I finaIIy got him to sIeep. - He's down? Good.
lt used to be Logan BouIevard.
lt used to be a mattress store.
Somebody made me pay for it.
Why is everybody fighting?
They're not fighting. They conversating.
Mom, you may be a drug deaIer by giving me that stuff there.
- I thought it was Roxie's. - ( glass clinking )
Attention, please, please.
l'd just like to say something.
It's fantastic that we're aII together.
Gracia, Dio, that we're safe, home
- and warm, indoors. - Mauricio: Good one, Dad.
- I'd Iike to propose a toast-- - ( phone rings )
Johnny: Oh, good timing.
- Excuse me. - ( beeps )
There's something I'd Iike to say.
- I'm divorcing your father. - ( Johnny laughing )
- ( all laughing ) - Mauricio: That's crazy.
That's not a toast, okay? Come on.
That's not even funny. What is that?
Why? Mom, stop, pIease.
Johnny: That don't sound Iike a toast to me.
( siIence )
- Come on. Stop that, Ma. - Roxanna: Mom.
- Cono. - Why? You've been married for 36 years.
- You can't-- - So?
"So"? You're oId.
Who are you caIIing oId?
l've got a lot of Iife Ieft in me.
Who do you think kept aII of this together?
I don't need him.
Well, if that's what you want to do...
- Roxanna: What? - ...I can't stop you.
What? What is going on?
I'm gonna step out for a minute, get some air.
Ozzy, come on.
- Excuse me. - Happy?
Dad, did you cheat on her again?
- Papi, you cheated? - You didn't teII me that.
- Sarah, stay out of it. - Roxanna: Papi?
Did you cheat again?
ls that what your mother thinks?
Mysterious phone caIIs aII the time.
You disappear in the middIe of the day.
Ay, Papi! How couId you? How could you?
Don't raise your voice to me in my own house!
You know what? I'm disgusted with both of you.
I'm so disgusted.
What, are you gonna date other peopIe?
for starters.
Oh! Excuse me. This is making me sick.
Come on, Jesse. Jump in any time you feeI Iike.
Say something, wiII you? Come on.
- It's their Iife. - What? "It's their Iife"?
"It's their Iife"?
Three years in lraq, and this is the wisdom you have to offer?
- Oh! - It's their Iife. Wow.
That's great. Thanks, Dad, for doing this to us.
Thank you for ruining our Iives. Thank you so much for that.
Why don't you relax? Why don't you Ieave Pop aIone?
- This isn't about you. - That's it. Take that side.
- Jesse: I'm not taking a side. - Of course you are.
Why don't you two become roommates and go hang out at Starbucks
like the losers you are because you screwed up
the best things you ever had in your Iives?
Anna: I!
I'm gonna take Hector home.
- Yeah. - Thank you for dinner.
- And thanks so much, Mo. - l'm sorry.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Jesse. I got a IittIe hot-headed.
Just-- just-- bro, just...
l think you've said enough, man.
Jesse, I said l was sorry.
- Hey. Hey. - Jesse: Yeah.
Why'd you have to caII out your brother Iike that?
Because I'm the onIy one--
After all he's been through?!
You shouId concentrate on your own reIationship
instead of worrying about everybody eIse's.
WeII, merry goddamn Christmas, everybody.
Stop.
Go to your room.
You know what? I'm gonna do you one better, Ma.
Come on, Sarah. Let's go to the Drake.
I haven't finished eating yet.
Yeah, whatever.
Did you Iike the tostones?
DeIectabIe.
Coconut cream?
I'd Iove some.
( beeping )
Look, do you have a Marriott or a Radisson?
- A Motel 8? - ( door opens )
Look, I'II take an empty jaiI ceII-- anything you've got.
- Have you gone off your meds? - Yeah, okay.
Thank you very much.
Let me know if anything opens up.
(cIangs)
Piece of shit.
Sarah, Iet me have your Crackberry.
I'm gonna caII hoteIs.com, see if they've got anything.
I know you're freaked out about this whole divorce thing,
but don't you think we shouId stay here and be supportive?
Supportive of them throwing 36 years of their marriage down the toilet?
Are you kidding? Give me that.
Do you want to make things worse for your mother?
Her husband cheated on her.
And this is coming from the woman who reserved two rows
for her parents' exes at our wedding. Just give me that.
- No. - Come on. Give it to me now.
- No. - Sarah, I'm gonna take it from you.
- We're staying here. - No, we're not staying.
You've been bugging me for months to stay in a hotel.
- Shh! - We're not gonna stay--
- Shh! Do you want them to hear you? - What?
Are you afraid they might find out you think this place...
( yeIIs ) stinks of fried pork and chuIeta, tocineta, puneta?
( both panting )
WeII, somebody's been a naughty IittIe girI.
You've been emaiIing back and forth with this Barry Kravitz, huh?
Didn't you teII me you turned his job offer down months ago
because of the traveIing and the crazy hours, the pressure?
They came back. They sweetened the deaI.
And he offered to back
Brian DonaIdson and I in our own hedge fund.
We would be managing $300 miIIion just to start.
- $300 mi-- - Yeah.
And use of the private jet too. Look at that.
Pretty sweet. CongratuIations.
That's great.
When were you pIanning to break it to me gently?
I just--
I just needed a IittIe time to think it over aIone.
- ( knocks on door ) - ( door opens )
Requesting a bunk, Lance CorporaI.
You're gonna sIeep in here?
Your mother threw me out of the bedroom.
And you act surprised.
Mijo, Iife is fuII of surprises.
- Oh. - Everybody down at the bodega,
they're aII dying to talk to you.
Anyway, this gives us a chance to catch up.
I'm worried about you and Ma.
Yeah? We're more worried about you.
I'm fine.
You know, Jesse,
we know you've been through a Iot.
Your mother and me, we rented "Coming Home."
I'm surprised you didn't rent "Taxi Driver."
Yeah, we rented that too.
It's not good to keep things bottIed up inside.
You've seen some stuff-- some reaIIy bad stuff.
It's a war, Pop.
And you did your very best.
You did.
It shouId've been me...
not Lenny.
Beating yourseIf up isn't going to bring him back, mijo.
And if Lenny was here right now,
he'd teII you he'd want you to move on.
His foIks...
I can't imagine they're having too many Iaughs now.
No.
You caII them? It might heIp.
You know, Dad,
it's getting Iate.
Yeah, okay.
Jesus, Mo, you scared me.
What are you doing up here?
l'm just trying to be aIone, okay?
I've got tequiIa.
- AII right, you can stay. - I know.
- What a night. - What, is this heII?
- Are we in heII or what? - Yeah.
Hm-mmm. Hm-mmm.
- It's 10 beIow outside. - No way. No way.
Mom won't Iet me smoke inside. Go crack open a window!
I'm not cracking a window. I'm not smoking your poIIution.
- fine. fine. - How about that? I saved your Iife.
- Crack that. - How come I didn't get an invite?
- None needed. - No jarheads aIIowed, man.
- Ow! - Easy!
- Give me that. - You having a fIashback?
Wow.
lt's like all l need is to be smoking a bIunt
and Iistening to Biggie SmaIIs.
I Iost my virginity on that couch.
- Me too! - Oh, God. HaiI the syphiIis!
- Oh God, haiI you. - Move move.
Roxanna: Don't be mad 'cause you were up here aII aIone
practicing dance moves in your underwear.
- ( vocalizing ) - ( beatboxing )
Stop it. Stop stop.
- Stop it. - Roxanna: PIease don't do it in those.
Hey, that reminds me
I haven't seen Dad in his underwear in a Iong time.
- It is not pretty. - ls this pretty?
Ma kicked him out of the room and he's staying with me.
He deserves it.
How come you never toId us about him cheating before?
'Cause, Rox, I didn't see anything.
I caught him with that IittIe Rosa SaIgado, IittIe PentecostaI chick.
Dad just gives me $100.
He says, "Here, don't say nothing."
And you'd think he'd be too oId for that shit now.
Rox, they've got Viagra now.
We're gonna be those kids that have to shuttIe between houses at Christmas.
No, Rox. No we're not.
- No? - No, because they're gonna seII this house
and they gonna move into separate apartments.
And we're gonna have to stay in a hoteI when we come into town?
No.
I know Mauricio and Sarah wouldn't mind that.
- The waIIs are thin, bro. - Oh yeah?
- Why don't you mind your business? - Ma's aIways taIking about
moving to Puerto Rico. She might actuaIIy do it now.
It'd be kind of sweet to have a pIace out there.
- Did you just say kinda sweet? - Yeah.
So you're okay with Pops moving into a studio apartment
and heating up Ieftovers? You're fine with that?
Oh, do you reaIize this is probably
the Iast Christmas that we'II spend together?
Why, Rox? Why is it gonna be the Iast?
Why don't we do something? We're gonna Iet them throw away
36 years of their marriage? We're just gonna sit and taIk about it?
He broke her trust! How can she forgive him for that?
- What don't you understand? - Yeah, Ma has every right to Ieave.
Hey, do you hear yourselves?
You know what you sound Iike?
You sound Iike peopIe who aren't married.
Let me tell you about marriage, aII right?
Sometimes you're in it, you feeI Iike you don't want the same things anymore
and you start going at each other.
And you go at each other, but you stick it through.
And at the end of that you faII in Iove aII over again.
And that's marriage, okay?
So don't teII me that Mom and Dad, after all these years,
don't got a IittIe bit of Iove Ieft for each other, 'cause l'm not buying that.
Preciosos, I made some pasteIiIIos.
Ah. Uh-huh. You're tired.
Why did you have to drag these boys out of bed?
- Mauricio: We're fine, Ma. - Anna: for 25 years,
I've been begging you to cut down that ugIy tree,
and aII of a sudden you're gonna do it right now?
- Can I heIp you with that? - No.
You've still got it, Mamita.
Dirty oId man.
Here, how about some hot chocoIate?
- Come on. - Marissa: Okay, say thank you.
- Thank you. - Hey, Sarah.
I made some pasteIiIIos.
- Have one. - No, I'm going for a jog.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to fix the treadmiII in the guest room.
How is she going to get pregnant
with aII that bouncing up and down?
Enough, aII right? Just Ieave her aIone.
Here here here, eat something.
( speaks Spanish )
And what, are you drunk? StiII drunk?
- Ma, pIease. - I can't beIieve you spent aII night
getting drunk with your brothers.
Mauricio: She's a bad infIuence, Ma.
Anna: Hey, fernando.
You want some hot chocoIate?
No thanks. I'm aII set, Mrs. Rodriguez.
- ( revving IoudIy ) - ( groans )
You're kiIIing me.
Yeah!
This is an SR36 Wood Boss.
Whoa whoa! No! Stop!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
- What's the probIem? - lt's fine.
But we're gonna use mine.
This is a Sears Chainomatic 3000
- I remember that. - Oh, Dad, come on.
Chuck Norris was on the box.
Everybody, carefuI. Stand back.
- That Iooks reaIIy dangerous. - ( revs up )
- Hmm? - ( stops )
Mauricio: You overcompensated a IittIe bit, Dad.
- Cono. - What? What?
- 'Cause he's got a IittIe thingy. - ( speaks Spanish )
( buzzing )
( revving IoudIy )
- Marissa: Oh. - Ooh.
Your man sure is good with his tooI, honey.
Mm-hmm, and he's reaIIy good with his hands too.
Marissa, there's a chiId here.
PIease, he's three, Ma. He doesn't get innuendo.
Come on, give it some force, man.
( chainsaw whines )
Yo, whoa whoa whoa.
- Step back. - Mauricio: Show him how it's done, Jesse.
- Careful. - Be carefuI.
Mauricio: Show him how it's done.
Roxanna: Yeah, that's what I'm taIking about.
Now that's in innuendo, girI.
I bet my boy Jesse right there--
$20 my boy Jesse gets that tree down.
I'd take fernando.
Hey, you back off, Barbie.
I didn't mean it that way. It's just that he's big.
- ( women Iaughing ) - His muscIes are big.
And l-- oh, you guys.
- ( Iaughs ) - Hey hey hey hey!
Don't hurt yourseIf, man.
What happened? What happened?
It's okay, tough guy.
Let's see it, Nando. Let's see what you've got.
- ( cIunks, stops ) - Holy cow.
- Oh no. - What the heII?
- It's cursed, Ma! - Son of a--
SyphiIitic tree. Let me try it.
- Hold on, hold on. - Let a reaI man do it.
Oh no. Stop him, pIease.
- Oh no, he isn't. - Oh, boy.
- Roxanna: No, Mo. - l got it. All right.
Back off, Iraq.
Are you gonna put money down on your husband?
That he seriousIy hurts himself?
$20. Sure why not?
Mauricio! Put it down.
ReIax. ReIax, Mom. I've got it.
Roxanna: You can do it. l've got $20 on you.
This little-- the bIack cord?
Right there. Right there. The black cord.
- ( revving ) - Yeah.
- You hear that? - Whoa whoa whoa!
- ( revving IoudIy ) - Somebody do something!
Thank you. Thank you.
- ( men yelling ) - Thanks, Sarah.
- Mauricio, put it down! - Sarah: ToId you.
- Don't yeII at me. - Put it down!
- Get in the house! - I've got it.
- Anna: Put it down. - ( chainsaw stops )
You're embarrassing me in front of everybody.
I toId you-- get in the house.
Huh? What do you think?
Roxanna: It Iooks great, Dad.
I don't know what to say.
- Come on. - What?
- find something to do. - ( Iaughs )
- ( shop beII rings ) - Oh, my babies!
( Iaughing )
- Oh, my movie star! - How you doing?
- You Iook great. - Thanks.
God bIess you, baby. You know, I prayed for you every day.
I had to. I know how the miIitary is.
- Yeah. - Hey, y'aII! My baby was on the front Iine!
figures. They Iike to cut the dark meat first,
if you know what I'm saying. l'll tell you what it is.
lt's Uncle Sam trying to get rid of y'aII Latinos.
You know, they lure you in promising you citizenship.
You don't even have to have a green card to serve.
- Oh, come on, Tina. - Oh, you know it's true, white boy.
- ( people chuckle ) - You find everything?
Yeah, I'm cooI.
These high-end magazines must be your touch,
'cause the onIy thing my Pops reads
is "The Sun Times" and "La Opinión."
You want to see something reaIIy cooI?
Check this out. It's aII about what's happening underground
with music, art, theater-- that kind of stuff.
- Mmm. - You ever think about doing theater?
Yeah, I started in theater.
But I'm just focused on fiIm and TV now.
Yeah. You know what you shouId do?
- Telenovela. - Oh, yeah, right.
- ( both Iaugh ) - Rogelio,
why didn't you tell me before we sIept together
you were once married to my mother!
Because when you climaxed and screamed "I Iove you, Papi,"
- I thought you aIready knew. - You watch that?
Y'all gotta pay, 'cause I ain't got money for y'aII.
That's just crazy.
You aII right, baby? Ozzy!
- Whoa whoa. - Tina: Ozzy!
- We gotta go. - What about the beer?
- Come on. - You okay?
Yeah.
These were on saIe yesterday. You missed it.
I see everyone at the store is stiII crazy, huh?
- Yeah yeah. - ( beeps )
Look. Your oId man finaIIy modernized.
This new system Iets you know how much you're wasting,
so you can cost things out better.
Last week we took 3c off a pound of pork chops.
- You actuaIIy know how to use that thing? - Not reaIIy.
Ozzy usuaIIy prints it out,
but I want everything running like a well-oiled machine
for when you take over. You'II get the hang of this in no time.
And you've aIways got Ozzy.
So when do you think you can start?
Uh, Iook, Dad, I--
Look, it'II heIp you take your mind off things.
- I'm-- I'm sorry. - No, it's...
You're bareIy home, for Christ's sake.
You take-- you rest up. You take your time.
You come to work when you're ready.
Okay.
- Yo, Jesse, Iet's go hang downtown. - What's up?
I've got a coupIe of rich honeys waiting for us down there.
- No no, I'm cooI, brother. - Why not?
What you mean, you're cooI, man?
Come on, bro.
I saw the Iook.
What Iook?
WeII, don't do it, okay?
- What? - I know Marissa is aII cooI.
She's still fine after aII her baby-mama drama.
- Whatever. - Come on, bro.
A Puerto Rican woman--
she's never gonna forgive that you dropped her, bro.
- That you dumped her Iike that. - l didn't--
forget that, aII right? Even if you guys were
to get back together, she's gonna seem nice,
but she gonna make you pay for that shit every day.
They're Iike that, bro.
You don't know what are you talking about.
What do you mean? A miIIion years from now
aIiens couId come down, they resurrect her ass.
What's the first thing she's gonna say?
"Where is that son of a bitch Jesse?"
No. We couId be friends, bro.
"We couId be friends."
That's white peopIe shit.
- AII right, Johnny. - Come on. Jesse, yo!
What?
( geese honking )
Jesse: Marissa! Hey!
Jesse, what are you doing here?
I remembered you used to take this path to work.
- Can I taIk to you for a second? - No, l'm late for work.
- WeII, we can waIk and taIk. - No no no.
l thought that l could do this friend thing, but I can't.
five years together and you break up with me in a Ietter.
You didn't even have the guts to teII me before you Ieft.
You think I knew what the heII I wanted?
l was 23, cIaustrophobic,
Mauricio and Roxanna were off doing their thing.
l just needed to get out too!
I thought aII my Iife's major questions were answered.
I had you, I had the bodega.
If I was gonna make it, I had to move on!
- And I knew that you did too. - You--
you tore my worId apart!
And there was nothing that I couId do about it.
BeIieve me, if I had known the way things were gonna turn out,
- I wouId have never gone. - I suppose I can't even get mad at you
- because you're a goddamn war hero. - l'm not.
PIease.
A guy in my unit died because of me!
My buddy Lenny.
He was this funny kid from Wisconsin.
He aIways wore
his high schooI basketbaII jersey underneath his fatigues.
Anyway...
we had taken up position in this abandoned house.
lnsurgents had left aII this food behind.
We were hunkered in there for the night,
so Whitey, our squad Ieader,
said that he wouId treat us to a home-cooked meal.
I was on Iookout at the window.
Lenny made me switch with him.
l maybe had, Iike, three bites
and some asshoIe Iaunched an RPG right through the window.
Lenny's--
Lenny's body was bIown back to the table.
And do you know how I feIt?
I was happy.
I-I was so happy
to be aIive.
I'm so sorry, Jesse.
( sighs ) Yeah.
I was the Iucky one.
Yeah.
His poor famiIy.
Have you taIked to them?
No.
It wouIdn't make a difference.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He was their onIy son.
- Mauricio: Ahem. - ( famiIy whispering )
Edy: Jesse.
Hey, father Torres. Good to see you.
Nice to have you home, son. Any more soy sauce?
Jesse, look. I've taken it upon myseIf
to bring father Torres here to taIk to Mom and Dad.
- So just go with it, pIease. Okay? - And where's Mom?
Roxanna: She went out for happy hour with Cheryl and Gladys.
- SeriousIy? - Yeah.
She can go if she wants. She's a grown woman.
You know she's gonna kiII you, right?
Yeah, I'II take my chances. Go sit down.
Okay, everybody, just-- pIease.
Hi, baby.
I'm sorry I embarrassed you this morning.
It's okay, Mom. I just wanted to teII you that father Torres is here.
Ay, Dios mio. Who died?
Nobody died, Ma. Before you say no-- don't say no--
I brought father Torres here to taIk to you and Dad about the divorce, okay?
- PIease, Ma. - No!
You've got to think this through before you go through with it.
- Did he tell you to do this? - No, Dad had nothing to do with it.
- I'm going upstairs. - Ma, you're not going anywhere.
You're going out there to taIk to father Torres.
Do you know the mouth on that man?
The whoIe neighborhood's going to know.
- This is about your famiIy. - l didn't make any food.
It doesn't matter. Sarah ordered Chinese food.
- She gave him takeout? - Yes, Ma.
Go out there. Be brave.
father Torres, so nice to see you.
Do you, um...
l could fix you some reaI food if you'd Iike.
Don't troubIe yourseIf. I'II be fine with a coupIe of these eggroIIs
and some more coquito. Your son teIIs me
that you and Edy are contempIating divorce.
Oh no no, father, no.
I am getting a divorce.
See, my husband broke his vows
and sinned against God.
father, it's Christmas. How about a IittIe sermon
about Jesus being born so we can be forgiven for our sins?
I'm not changing my mind.
Now I am sorry, father,
that my son dragged you aII the way out here
for takeout because these women can't cook.
It's the Ieast I can do.
No wonder I don't have a grandchiId.
That's what you can do for me, father.
Can I get some more rum for my coquito?
Pray that I wiII hoId
- a grandchiId before I'm dead. - Here we go again.
Maybe there are reasons why they're holding back on having children.
He'd rather take care of a hedge fund than a baby.
- You went crying to your mother? - l didn't go crying.
- It wasn't reaIIy crying. - Can you bIame him?
What did you expect?
With aII this traveIing and aII these hours
with a hedge fund, the onIy sex he'll be having is on the phone.
- ( laughs ) - Oh, no no.
He'II be Iucky if he gets that.
You know, the onIy reason
that he wants a baby now
is so that he can try to one-up Jesse
in pIeasing you and Edyberto.
- What the heII's she taIking about? - That's not true, Sarah.
- Yes it is. - You take one psych course at Brandeis
- and you're Sigmund freud? - Excuse us, father.
Anna, Edy, perhaps you shouId think about the family.
- We'd be fine. - No we wouIdn't be fine.
You'd still have your mommy to run home to.
Look, daddy's girl, I know for a fact I'm not the onIy one
you caII when you're strapped for cash.
She needed money for head shots.
You sent her money behind my back?
- Don't taIk to me anymore. - Do you see?
Do you see the Iies that I have to put up with, father?
What does Roxanna need money for a head shot for?
- She's a star. - Ma, I'm not a star.
Okay? I'm not a star. That's it.
Everybody thinks l live this gIamorous Iife in HoIIywood
when l can barely pay my rent on a dumpy studio
and the payments on a 1999 Kia.
- What? - God!
You know what? I just wish I couId have my Iife
handed to me on a siIver pIatter like Jesse over here.
- Oh, heII yeah. - Yeah.
The prodigaI son returns and the rest of us just get pushed to the side
'cause the IittIe prince is here. Everything for the IittIe prince.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah, that's what I think, Jesse.
Why don't one of you come home and take care of the bodega?
Can we aII just caIm down?
Because you're off Iiving your own lives, right?
What about my Iife?
I try to get out and do I end up in New York or LA?
No, I end up in Iraq.
And what do I got to show for it?
And you think l can just come home and run the bodega?
- Bodegas are good businesses. - l'm not gonna run the bodega!
And that's the voice of God, Iadies and gentIemen.
- Maybe we shouId say a prayer. - Shut up!
So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go back to Iraq.
I'm gonna sign up for another tour.
- Mijo, that's not gonna change anything. - Maybe.
But at Ieast there I feeI Iike I have some purpose.
- Jesse. - No.
No no no no.
( crying ) I just wish we hadn't Iet him
There are a Iot of things l wish l hadn't done.
WeII, you can't take them back now, can you?
What's done is done.
Where's Mauricio?
Look, l'm sorry about what I said.
l do want to have a baby.
I just don't understand why it has to be this second,
when l've got this huge opportunity.
l'm not stupid. I understand that I can't have it aII.
That at 36, my fertiIity
is going into a freefaII
and that I may have to use the eggs
of some attractive Ivy League student
who wants to get ahead on paying off their student Ioans.
- Look, I'd be happy to adopt. - ( crying )
But Mauricio being a Latin doesn't feeI the same way.
I promise we wiII have chiIdren.
It may not be this second,
but we wiII someday, okay?
That doesn't make you feel any better?
Jesse's going to sign up for another tour in Iraq.
I'm so sorry.
Mauricio and the kids went down to JuIio's Bar.
You want me to drive you down there?
( Latin music pIaying )
( singing in Spanish )
This music is beautifuI.
Anna and l, we danced the first time we met to this song.
Mauricio was conceived to this song.
Okay, I don't think I needed to hear all that.
( groans )
( horn honks )
In the gIove compartment, there's medicine.
- Which one? - The green cap.
- ( groans ) - Here.
Don't teII anyone, Sarah.
PIease.
Does Anna know?
l just want to enjoy Christmas with my famiIy.
Not that they make it so easy.
( cheering )
I Iove you guys so much.
- I Iove you too, Sarah. - I do.
- We Iove you too, baby. It's okay. - Let's dance.
- No, I don't want to-- - Get a room.
Come on. Come on.
All right. I don't need to be here.
I think he sIipped her a hit of E.
- Think he wants a kid that bad? - Yeah.
AII you got to do is Iook at a Puerto Rican girI to get her pregnant.
- Shut up. - Come on, come on.
- Whoo-hoo. - Johnny: Mira.
This is what a reaI women looks like with a burka.
Right? You go, Iady. Come on, you go now.
Wrap our soIdier boy over there
with some red, white and blue love.
Your friend here says you got shot up pretty bad.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah. They shot off his dick.
But then they repIaced it with a bionic one
and he couId jack up a car and change the tire
at the same time.
ReaIIy?
( speaks Spanish )
l'm just kidding. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
He's stiII got aII his factory parts, right, Papi?
So you wanna dance?
Roxanna: Jesse, don't you dare. Jesse.
- I'm-- I'm cooI. - Come on, bro.
- Go, man, go. - Roxanna: He's cooI.
You heard him, he's cooI.
- ( dance music pIaying ) - Oh no.
That's my song. That's my song, y'aII.
- Yo, that's my song. - Oh no.
Oh, yes. Go get 'em, Mo.
( Iaughing )
Come on. Come on.
Johnny: Oh, he Iikes that.
Come on, Mo. Yeah!
You got moves. You go, boy, yeah!
All: Go Mo. Go Mo.
- Oh! - Oh!
Go Mo. Go Mo.
Oh!
-Ay yi yi yi yi ...-Whoo!
God, it feeIs good to be back.
- HeIp me, Sarah. - That was great.
My coccyx. I broke my coccyx.
AII I'm asking is if a shot is $5,
- how much for a sip? - A sip?
Yeah, a sip. Just a haIf a shot maybe.
Can you pIease take that thing down?
Why? You the biggest star to come out of this neighborhood.
Can I buy you a round?
Wow. l can't believe it. You guys are gonna pay for something?
l'm only cheap when it comes to me.
- How much is her drink? - $8.
- What if she doesn't drink aII of it? - Never mind.
CouId I pIease have some change for the jukebox?
Thanks.
Is there something you want to teII me?
No.
- Is there something you want to teII me? - About?
Ozzy.
Come on, you have to admit he's reaIIy hot.
He's a thug.
No, he hasn't been messed up in that shit for a while.
Yeah, weII, we'II see how long that lasts.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
Just seeing AIexis again made me remember how bad things got.
( ringtone pIays )
My agent.
- They caIIed. - And?
Roger rushed off to his anger management cIass
- and didn't say anything. - Is that it?
You told me to call you if I heard anything.
Well, you know, maybe they caIIed about something eIse.
Or maybe they just didn't want to ruin my Christmas.
PIease. AII right Iook, girI, I've got to jump.
- I'II hit you Iater. - Wait.
Bye.
This ain't CaIi, girI. They ain't gonna arrest you for smoking inside.
I had to use the phone.
- Want to go for a waIk? - No.
l don't want to Ieave my girI.
- Oh, reaIIy? - ReaIIy.
Maybe we shouId give 'em some space.
Come on, Iet's go.
- Come on. - I don't know.
Cabby!
Jesse: SomepIace a IittIe more quiet.
Come on, I just want to taIk to you.
HoIa, my love.
Hey.
- Jesse. - Hey.
Can I buy you guys a drink?
- I'm cooI. - No.
Ozzy: So why did it take you three years to come back?
God, l've just been crazy busy, you know?
lf it's not one thing, it's something eIse.
Shit, who am I kidding?
I'm sure you've heard everything.
You'II catch a break. You just--
you just got to hang in there.
Caught a break.
What if I'm waiting on something that never happens?
How much more time shouId I waste?
A year? 2? 10?
Stuck in the same pIace whiIe everybody eIse's Iife is moving forward.
So what are you gonna do? Move back?
Yeah, maybe. I don't know.
That wouIdn't be the worst thing, right?
I never thought I'd hear that coming from you.
I'm 29 years oId
and I'm sick and tired of someone eIse deciding my fate
when I'm just as good if not better
than most of the actresses out there.
- They don't know me. - You are good.
Like that time that you pIayed that homeIess chick in "One Way Ticket."
- You saw that? - Are you kidding?
You killed it. You're Iike the Puerto Rican MeryI Streep.
Yeah, right.
Your parents made us watch the DVD Iike five times.
- Of course they did. - Yeah.
Look, don't teII anybody what I said.
AII right? I'm aII over the pIace right now.
I'II think about it.
You'II think about it?
- Don't make me kick your ass. - You got to catch me.
- Kick my ass. - Don't make--
- Kick my ass. What? - l will kick your ass.
Why are you running? Why are you running?
We didn't use protection.
Nope. You said you wanted to make a baby.
I was compIeteIy Ioaded.
In vino veritas.
Oh, reaIIy? Oh, reaIIy?
And I probabIy toId the bartender he Iooked Iike George CIooney.
Mm-hmm. Among other things.
What's the date? What's the date?
What is the date?
It's Christmas Eve, December 24th.
Okay, that pubIic Iibrary event, l had my period.
- What are you doing? - That's 19 days.
Okay, I'm okay. We're okay.
I think we're okay. I hope we're okay.
Mauricio, how couId you take advantage of me like that?
l didn't take advantage of you.
- You took advantage of me. - Oh!
You don't want to make a baby anymore?
Oh, weII, I just think it's something
that we shouId be discussing while l'm sober.
Okay, aII right, aII right. You're sober now.
Let's discuss this.
Do you or don't you want to make a baby with me?
I don't-- I don't want to taIk about this.
I feeI Iike shit.
Oh my God.
The coIors in this room are inducing a migraine.
Does that mean we're not gonna try again?
Oh, eat me.
Don't even think about it.
- ( Latin music pIaying ) - ( people celebrating )
Woman: Merry Christmas, everyone.
Oh, you got moves.
No bad. Now you spin.
Coquito, Iadies?
Ozzy.
Ozzy, thanks, buddy.
Thank you, Edy.
- UIi, UIi. feIiz Navidad. - Thank you.
- Tina. - ( phone rings )
HeIIo? Excuse me. l'll be right back.
- Come on, baby. - No.
- Coquito? - Oh no.
- You think I don't know? - Know what?
That every year your father gets me drunk at the Christmas party
so l don't notice how Iight my enveIope is.
- Come on. - Huh-uh, not gonna have any of that stuff
until l see the size of my Christmas bonus.
AII right. Okay.
Not gonna trick me again.
Dad.
The rest of the checks.
- Yeah, I got it. - All right.
Go. You go.
Go hang out with Johnny or something.
Don't feeI Iike you've got to stick around here.
Dad, look, l know you're not happy about me going back.
Of course I'm not.
Jesse, I'm your father. I want you safe.
I want you here.
I'm sorry.
How can l make you understand?
You can't. Just Iike I can't make you stay.
There's a point when aII a father can do is just get out of the way.
Thanks, dad.
I'd better give Tina her check.
Otherwise she's gonna start the revoIution.
Any word?
No, I'm just texting my girI.
What are you teIIing her?
How much you had Iast night in the fine city of Chicago?
No, l'm telling her how freaking freezing it is here.
CaIi had made you all soft, girl.
You move back here, you'II be wearing hot pants in this weather.
Yeah, weII, hopefuIIy l'll get this show.
Yeah, I hope so.
Hey, I had a reaIIy good time Iast night.
- Great time Iast night. - Me too.
ReaIIy good time.
But I just don't want you to get the wrong impression.
Nah, come on. You're Iike a sister to me.
Yeah, that's what I toId Jesse this morning.
That you're Iike a brother and it's just weird.
Don't even worry about it.
- I'm gonna grab a drink. - Okay.
I'II see you Iater?
Okay.
( singing in Spanish )
( Sarah singing in Spanish )
(Iaughs) Look at that.
Sarah, you've been practicing for the parranda.
I'm trying. I didn't exactIy grow up singing Christmas carols.
No, you're doing great.
l can't tell you what this means to me.
l look forward to the parranda aII year.
You must be Iooking for this.
Thank you.
Listen, thank you for keeping my secret.
Look, Edyberto,
I reaIIy appreciate your trust in me.
Who eIse can I trust? You're the onIy one who's not Puerto Rican in this house.
But l really think you need to teII them.
I'II teII them soon enough.
Life is short, Sarah.
I don't want anything to get in the way of them having a good time.
- You understand? - Pop, where are the mitten warmers?
Yeah, coming.
No no no no no.
- Keep practicing. - Mm-hmm.
( both singing in Spanish )
- ( doorbell ringing ) - Anna: Guys, come on. Hurry up.
Let's go to the party.
Here we go. Here we go.
Anna, Roxanna, let's go.
( aII taIking )
- There they go. - * The first noeI... *
- Merry Christmas. - * The angeIs did say *
* Was to certain poor shepherds *
* In fieIds where they Iay *
** Noel, Noel ... ** The party!
* Christmas, Christmas *
* Born is the King *
* of Israel. *
* cheers *
* Come all ye faithful *
* Joyful and triumphant *
* O come ye *
* To Bethlehem *
* Come and behold him *
* Born the king of angels *
* O come let us adore him *
* O come let us adore him... *
Ozzy, come on.
Come on.
They're over here. Give me the babe.
Come on. They're right there.
* O come all ye faithful *
* Joyful and triumphant *
* O come all ye faithful *
* Joyful and triumphant *
* O come all ye faithful *
* Joyful and triumphant... *
* church bell tolling *
* Joyful and triumphant. *
* cheering *
* Latin music playing *
Have you seen your brother? Yeah, he's over there.
Why aren't you go dancing?
And compete with them?
Excuse me.
Where did you get these earrings? I want to get a pair for GIadys.
They're beautiful. Okay, you know them
What's going on?
We're going to midnight mass.
Hear Edy. I see you've met my new novio.
Tony.
A pIeasure.
You coming to church? Please.
He hasn't been to midnight mass in over for years.
I'd love to come. Great.
Let's go.
Roxanna. Roxanna.
Bye, ma. Bye.
Yo, say thanks, baby.
Come on, Roy. What you got, baby?
So you still got some moves, huh?
Depends on who my partner is.
* chuckIes *
l'm sure you say that to all the boys on the base.
Stay away from my girl. We were just dancing.
Go get Ozzy. Go get Ozzy.
Hey hey hey!
You seen Ozzy? No, mama, I ain't seen him.
Oh shit!
Ma.
You got to pick up the pace, Ma.
I'm t¤ing. You got to be patient.
I can't fit for the sopadito you're gonna cook for me upstairs.
We can have a party, you and me. After all, it's Christmas.
You should apply at the post office.
They hire extra people at the holidays.
No¤ l will. I'II do that on Monday. Okay, Mom?
I hope so.
Oh, merry Christmas.
Hey, Ma, you go inside okay?
Stay that sopadito. I got to talk to my boy here.
You sure? You want to come in now?
No no, he's busy. He's a busy guy.
* speaking Spanish *
Can't Iet you kiII me in front of my mom, man.
So you know why I'm here?
I guess it's payback time.
I'm ready, man.
I had years to be ready.
Let's go.
He was like a father and mother to me.
It was either him or me, man. It couId have gone either way.
He was aII I had.
I got nothing.
I got nothing!
Do what you got to do brother.
* phone ringing *
Come on.
* That you calling? Yeah, what the hell?
You okay? Yeah.
* splashes *
You must be cold. l'm fine.
* radio playing *
* turns radio on *
How couId you do it?
Anna, you're the onIy woman I've ever Ioved.
And Sue Lee? You think I don't know her name?
There'II be plenty of time to discuss this a¤er the holidays.
I just want us to enjoy the kids.
Enjoy Christmas.
After the kids are gone,
you and I have nothing left to say to each other.
* door opens *
Jesse * You can't focus.
Mauricio l got this.
A little of this. You're gonna get caught.
You'd better be careful. Oh oh oh oh.
What's going on? Heard you got into a fight with ¤ernando.
Yeah yeah yeah. Guess up.
Well, when you love a woman you've got to do anything ¤or her¤ right?
I guess so.
Mauricio know what I'm talking about.
Never Iose that feeIing, mi¤o.
You know how I got this?
Let me take a wiId guess.
Yeah, why don't you just take a stab in the dark?
WrestIing ManueI Santos on the pier at Ponce.
He is the featherweight... * ...champion of the world.
You Iaugh, you Iaugh. The point is I never Iet him steaI my girI.
Never let him steal my girl. l'm proud of you.
No l can't eaten take down a goddamn tree
to give your mother a view.
We should just go out there ourselves and take that tree down.
Let's go take that tree down now.
Great idea. Let's do it, Pop.
I've got some chains in the basement.
Wrap them around, tie them up to the car.
Come on. Come on, get up.
* whistles *
You good? AII right, Pop.
We're all good. Let me know when it's tight.
Okay. Pedal to the metal. Come on.
Go go go go.
Go go go go. Hey hey hey!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Stop stop.
What are you doing?
What the hell are you doing? What?
Sure you don't want me to drive? No l got it.
I can't wait to see your mother's face in the morning when she sees this.
Mom's gonna freak. We are laughing
* tires squealing *
Hesse keep going. Go go go.
That's it, that's it. Come on Pop.
* Keep going. * A little more.
* You got nothing, man. * Come on, Dad.
You're Iooking good. Go!
*Go go go go! * Go *
* grunt * * Dad! Dad!
You could've been killed. What were you thinking?
You wanted a view. I was gonna give you a view.
Sorry, mom, I shouldn't have helped him.
I heIped too. You got to take bIame ¤or e¤e¤thing as ¤ell?
Don't Iisten to them. I wouId've done it without them.
And l still will. You watch me.
You better make sure you get his head checked.
This is his medicine.
They might need this.
* siren wails *
* a * speaks Spanish *
* What happened? ls dad okay?
Sit down. AII of you, pIease.
He didn't seem that banged up, Mom, come on.
¤hat is it? ¤ust say it.
I hate when you do this. ¤ust sa¤ it.
Your ¤ather has cancer.
What?
And here I was going to Ieave him.
God's punishing me.
* They called his doctor in. * Doctor*
So he knew?
How did he keep this from us?
I don't know.
Me.
Hey, Uncle Edy, that tree looked a whole lot worse than you did.
But it didn't go down so you better not go down.
* Oh, hi, Sue Lee. * Hey, Edy.
l'm Dr. Lee your dad's oncologist.
It's nice to finally meet you all.
He's toId me so many great things about you.
We just want to know the prognosis.
Has he metastasized? Has he started chemo?
l know you're got a million questions and I am more than happy to answer them.
l think your dad needs some rest.
Why don't we meet down in the cafeteria in about 2 minutes?
I'm Anna, his wife.
Of course Anna. It's good to meet you.
We'II talk in a few minutes. Okay.
Roxanna She seems nice.
She's a gynecoIogist?
Oh Johnny. I'm just kidding. Come on.
Give me a few moment with your mother.
Yeah.
Hey, Iet's go.
Papi!
My God.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. Go on.
My love.
Stapido.
Why didn't you teII me?
I wanted us to enjoy the time we have.
* big *
How do you think it's enjoyable
for me to think you're with another woman?
I'm sorry.
But when you started going on about the divorce,
I thought, maybe this is a good thing.
Maybe this way she'll know
that she can be happy when l'm not around.
You siIIy man.
What am I going to do with you?
How couId you not teII me, Sarah? You didn't teII me.
When are you going to trust in the fact that l love you?
Your dad loves you, Mauricio.
just because I love my job doesn't mean I love you less.
You'll see that when we have kids of our own.
Don't worry about the kid thing.
I'm getting used to the idea of not having kids an¤¤a¤.
I want to stay talking right a¤a¤.
Life is short, right?
Yeah. Let's just do it.
¤o¤¤ ¤hen are ¤ou gonna turn the ¤ob down?
I'm stiII gonna take the ¤ob.
Wow, not even a dent. Yeah.
To make the perniI taste great you've got to puncture it Iike this.
And then you put the garlic cloves in it.
Okay, now the pasteles, you need to
We got it Noami. Now go back to the hospital.
* Please. * ringtone chiming *
* Is that your agent? Yeah.
* Diosito. Let it be good news.
* We need good news today. * Amen.
Hey, Sarah.
Um, I'II reaIIy gIad you're here.
Hey.
How you hoIding up?
God if l see any more "sofrito", I think I'II scream.
l don't know how my mom does it.
I heard you didn't get the pah.
No l got the pah. I just didn't take it.
What?
It was for the seventh Iead on a TV show
that'II probably be on the air after three episodes anyway.
It wasn't aII that.
Yeah, it was.
I can't say I'm mad at you.
You better not be. I'm not.
WeII weII weII.
What do we got here? Get a line Jesse.
* Shut up, man. Oh yeah.
* doorbell rings *
Hey. Hey.
Fernando here?
He's at his cousin's house.
He's gonna be by soon
and you know he's not gonna be happy if he finds you here.
My mom just wanted me to bring this b¤ for Hector.
You reaIIy didn't have to do that.
Ooh, a truck. Oh, yeah.
Thank you. You're welcomed.
I know things got messed up ¤ith the ¤ight¤
but I was hoping you'd stiII come by the house.
¤ we're going to Fernando's parent's place. Oh.
I'm Iooking at you
and I reaIi¤e the one thing I haven't said is...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Marissa.
Look, Jesse,
it's like when were
when we all in love,
we take a chance that we might get hurry.
But we choose to do it anyway.
And it's just like with you and Lenny.
When he switched watch with you,
he knew that he was taking a risk.
Then he took your pIace
and you're stiII here.
He ga¤e ¤or the second chance.
* phone ringing *
Why wouId you want to th¤o¤ that a¤a¤?
HeIIo? Hey.
Can you pick up some miIk?
Thanks.
Yeah.
I'm gIad you found somebody to make you happy.
l just wish it could've been me.
You should probably go.
Yeah.
Goodbye, Marissa.
Goodbye.
Uh...
heiio.
Mrs. Brew
Hi, it's Jesse.
I'm Lenny's friend.
Mauricio You like these? Mom, how'd you know my size?
Anna It's real comfortable too.
l used to be small. Now it's extra Iarge.
What is this?
Oh, looks big. Looks big.
* Oooh. * Oh.
A christening gown.
Mauricio told me about your plans.
Yeah, um
we've never reaIIy taIked about baptism.
No we didn't. No we didn't.
But we're not gonna bar mi¤ah the kid.
Come on, who ever heard o¤ a Pue¤o Rican ¤e¤?
* GeraIdo Rivera. * Juan Epstein.
That's a teIevision character. Stay out of it, thank you.
Actually in San Juan there are a lot of Puerto Rican ¤e¤.
* Oh, Ma. * * car horn playing tune *
That's Johnny.
That necklace that Edy gave you is so beautiful.
* That's not all she's getting. * Roxanna* Dady
I meant the tree. You said you wanted a view.
l'm gonna call those guys back after the holidays and take it down.
Huh uh. It's old
it's ugIy, but it's my tree.
And I love it.
Who needs a view anyway?
Whatever you wish.
Uncle Edy, uncle Edy.
Oh, look what fell of the truck.
We got a brand new and improved situation going on here for you.
There it is, brand new and improved.
That's so sweet. Yeah.
Yeah! Ma, what is this?
That's for your dad. Put it away.
Smell 'em. No!
Did you register? You registered.
Anna Thank you so much, Johnny.
* *Latin music playing * * * cheering *
Come on. Come on, dance with me.
When it's cold you've got to giggle the key a couple of times.
'Cause sometimes the lock stick.
I got it, pop. l got it.
* I know you do. * * Iock cIicks *
* laughs *
* hip*hop music pIaying *
* It's another one of them bangers *
* This one's dedicated to the family *
* We love you *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *
* Mia familia *
* We stick together when times are calling *
* It's a pandiIIa *
* Where the only weapons are weapons for loading *
* My family *
* We come together when the game gets tough *
* Come on, come on, that's enough *
* There ain't no ¤a¤ you can mess with us *
* And God knows I ain't perfect *
* But when it comes down to my fam, I know it's worth it *
* They'II say he did it on purpose ¤
* Became something though you thought l was hopeless *
* Jesus Christ, he's so nice *
* BIame it on the beans and rice, weeds and pipes *
* Should have been deposited nice whether wrong or right *
* The ill-est realest Spanish rap you ever heard in your life *
* It's mi famiIia regaeton with a live band *
* Born in America, why we don't feel like it's our land *
* At times, man, I sit back and wonder *
* Is the belly of the beast gonna take us under *
* Through the lightening and thunder living la vida loca *
* Oops¤ sorry meant loco * I bet you still get the point though *
* We went cuckoo for cocoa * all we wanted was more dough *
* We la familia for life beyond today and tomorrow *
* My family *
* We stick together when times are calling *
* It's a gang *
* Where the only weapons are weapons for loading *
* FamiIia *
* We come together when the game gets tough *
* Come on, come on, that's enough *
¤ There ain't no ¤a¤ you can mess with us ¤
* My family II * suck when you need me *
* No matter the time or the dwa I make an appointment *
* My minor friend, my best friend *
* My hegano, my hegana, my cousin, cousin, twa and two *
* My father, my mother, from I saw him alive *
* Cuetin de gaetan if it's not a family I don't count *
* Santo Domingo, to Puerto Rico *
* He knows what there is when I gengo with my stick *
* Mexican and CoIumbian *
* We are all the same, ask the Cuban *
* Ecuadorian or Venetian *
* Guantemanteco makes my hand are my cloths *
* I am Panamanian, saluedurego *
* ChiIe, Peru, and also the Hondurans *
¤ From Nicaragua and Costa Rica ¤
* Spain * Argentina due God bless me *
* FamiIia *
* We stick together when times are calling ¤
* It's a pandiIIa *
* Where the onIy weapons are weapons for loading *
* FamiIia *
* We come together when the game gets tough *
* Come on, come on, that's enough *
* There ain't no far you can mess with us *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *
* Yeah, oh yeah *
* Ain't no way you can mess with us. *