1
00:00:01,476 --> 00:00:02,596
If anyone knows anything
2
00:00:02,822 --> 00:00:03,942
about the Hudson sperm bank
3
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that went up in flames
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey, in 1981
4
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please help me.
5
00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:10,681
I love being a father once a week,
6
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but it is so draining.
7
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My new dad! Huh?
8
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That's what I liked when I was young.
9
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To feel a man's weight.
10
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,767
A lot of women today,
they don't appreciate heft.
11
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You're cheating on me with him?!
12
00:00:22,873 --> 00:00:23,694
Who is that?!
13
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Mr. Cavett! I was just
trying to bring down the curtain!
14
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This is a monstrous place.
15
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♪ All the shadows in the city ♪
16
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♪ used to love ya, what a pity. ♪
17
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♪ I miss the question you used to ask me. ♪
18
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♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪
19
00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:59,762
♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪
20
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♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪
21
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"We Could Sing a Duet"
22
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:41,091
I think I was aiming so well
because Emily's making me
23
00:01:41,091 --> 00:01:43,566
go on a date tonight with Bernard,
and I don't wanna go.
24
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Well, you don't have to do
anything you don't wanna do! Okay?
25
00:01:46,525 --> 00:01:48,703
Just wear two pairs of underwear
and that'll slow 'em down.
26
00:01:49,837 --> 00:01:52,479
No, I can handle Bernard,
that's not the problem.
27
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It's their relationship
that's eating at me.
28
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I need the two of you to sabotage their engagement.
29
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Sabotage?
30
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I know, that's strong language,
but things have gotten worse!
31
00:02:04,232 --> 00:02:06,176
They're talking about having children now!
32
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She told me that her eg—
that her eggs are like plums!
33
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Very ripe!
34
00:02:10,257 --> 00:02:11,769
Really? Plums?
35
00:02:11,776 --> 00:02:15,918
Yes! But the truth is, she's still
maturing, and he's half dead!
36
00:02:15,917 --> 00:02:18,204
You know, I have to save
her from herself somehow.
37
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,608
We g—we gotta get Bernard
out of the picture.
38
00:02:21,328 --> 00:02:22,867
We could bring him here.
39
00:02:23,641 --> 00:02:24,438
We could accidentally shoot him.
40
00:02:24,438 --> 00:02:26,266
I'm such a bad shot we could
probably get away with it.
41
00:02:28,851 --> 00:02:30,825
No. No. Look. Here. Here's what we do.
42
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:34,273
Take her out tonight, show her a- a—
a... youthful time.
43
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Show her what she'll be missing
by marrying some old fart.
44
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We can do that.
45
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I can't.
I finally became unconstipated.
46
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Creatively.
47
00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:41,581
Only took about a year.
48
00:02:42,097 --> 00:02:45,002
Okay, alright. But then
it's up to you, Jonathan. Please.
49
00:02:45,002 --> 00:02:46,326
Take her dancing, you know.
50
00:02:46,326 --> 00:02:47,344
Have an adventure!
51
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:48,708
Go to Coney Island.
52
00:02:48,708 --> 00:02:49,221
Anything!
53
00:02:49,221 --> 00:02:51,968
Like a date, but...
platonic.
54
00:02:51,968 --> 00:02:52,622
Okay!
55
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:53,864
I'm good at platonic.
56
00:02:53,864 --> 00:02:55,479
It's my default sexual setting.
57
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After nervous.
58
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:57,804
Thank you.
59
00:03:02,675 --> 00:03:04,323
What are you working on, sweetheart?
60
00:03:04,323 --> 00:03:07,049
I finally made a breakthough on SuperRay 2!
61
00:03:07,628 --> 00:03:08,945
His son, Super Spencer,
62
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is kidnapped by The Emasculator...
63
00:03:12,812 --> 00:03:14,874
...kind of a... half-woman, half-plant.
64
00:03:15,851 --> 00:03:17,656
She looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting,
65
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:18,906
except when you punch her,
66
00:03:19,235 --> 00:03:19,834
she, uh,
67
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:21,638
gives you a urinary tract infection.
68
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,821
Okay. You know what you're doing.
69
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,783
You know, just work a few more minutes
and then get started on your chores.
70
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,243
Look, can you do them today?
71
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,837
I'm feeling, like,
really potent and thick.
72
00:03:33,165 --> 00:03:35,001
See, my pencil is Ron Jeremy.
73
00:03:35,704 --> 00:03:37,093
Usually I'm like this.
74
00:03:37,768 --> 00:03:38,897
But today I'm more like...
75
00:03:40,169 --> 00:03:42,954
...just, right on target, like,
just really bangin' it out.
76
00:03:43,110 --> 00:03:44,977
Yeah, but, Ray, that's not fair.
77
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:48,298
I work all week, and today's my
day to just be with the girls.
78
00:03:48,298 --> 00:03:49,135
You know that!
79
00:03:49,135 --> 00:03:50,549
But I wanna draw!
80
00:04:02,346 --> 00:04:03,466
Ow! Gah!
81
00:04:11,321 --> 00:04:12,207
D'ow! Gah!
82
00:04:18,311 --> 00:04:18,805
Hmph!
83
00:04:26,927 --> 00:04:27,899
Slimming?
84
00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,356
New York is so lit up!
85
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:46,476
Guess everyone's afraid of the dark,
but it's a great view.
86
00:04:46,842 --> 00:04:48,130
Yeah, it's great, but...
87
00:04:48,618 --> 00:04:52,562
only a young person like me would live above a
clough that makes the whole apartment shake.
88
00:04:52,983 --> 00:04:53,995
Wh—what?
89
00:04:53,995 --> 00:04:57,581
You'll see. In a minute, this place
will have a case of delirium tremens.
90
00:04:57,901 --> 00:04:58,579
Want a glass of wine?
91
00:04:58,802 --> 00:05:00,883
Oh! Um, no thanks, just water.
92
00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:03,215
I'm sorry I don't have
anything else to offer you.
93
00:05:03,368 --> 00:05:06,333
As a youthful bachelor, I live
off white wine and avocados.
94
00:05:07,118 --> 00:05:07,454
♪ahem♪
95
00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:08,129
Nice...
96
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,407
Woah! Oh, haha!
97
00:05:11,407 --> 00:05:13,300
You know, you look a lot like George.
98
00:05:13,642 --> 00:05:15,470
I can see him hidden in your features.
99
00:05:15,469 --> 00:05:15,970
Really?
100
00:05:15,970 --> 00:05:18,321
Yeah, we're very close.
He's like a father to me!
101
00:05:18,453 --> 00:05:19,573
Which I kind of need.
102
00:05:19,615 --> 00:05:22,474
I'm searching for my biological dad,
but the trail's gone cold.
103
00:05:22,475 --> 00:05:24,714
Oh, but, aren't you a private detective?
104
00:05:24,998 --> 00:05:28,023
I saw your ad on Craigslist.
Your slogan was funny.
105
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,055
But I don't have a slogan.
106
00:05:29,055 --> 00:05:30,024
Oh, yeah you do!
107
00:05:30,024 --> 00:05:30,913
"Need a dick?"
108
00:05:33,508 --> 00:05:34,568
That is catchy.
109
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:36,147
But it's not mine.
110
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No, look!
111
00:05:39,852 --> 00:05:40,033
Hm.
112
00:05:47,088 --> 00:05:47,966
Oh my god!
113
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I have a double.
114
00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:55,148
Girls are all tucked in.
115
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That's good.
116
00:05:56,991 --> 00:06:00,681
Ray, is this the wrapping from the chicken?
117
00:06:01,757 --> 00:06:02,705
Yeah, why?
118
00:06:03,078 --> 00:06:05,204
You took the sticker off an apple.
119
00:06:05,795 --> 00:06:07,432
Well yeah, uhhhh, the—
120
00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:10,023
the apple was organic, so...
121
00:06:10,586 --> 00:06:13,125
You let the girls eat a factory farm chicken?
122
00:06:13,819 --> 00:06:16,171
That's in their perfect bellies right now?
123
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:17,854
My back was spasming.
124
00:06:17,954 --> 00:06:20,596
I couldn't walk the extra block
to Trader Joe's, I'm sorry.
125
00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:21,979
I can't believe this!
126
00:06:21,976 --> 00:06:22,964
You poisoned them!
127
00:06:22,964 --> 00:06:26,186
You know I don't allow any
industrial food in their bodies.
128
00:06:26,187 --> 00:06:26,927
Leah, I-I—
129
00:06:26,927 --> 00:06:28,467
You put hormones into them!
130
00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:31,107
And I showed you that article on early breast development!
131
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What were you thinking?!
132
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:35,605
I don't think one industrialized
chicken is gonna set off puberty!
133
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I didn't start developing breasts
until I was... I was in my thirties!
134
00:06:38,836 --> 00:06:39,532
- Ray,
- I was in my thirties.
135
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:41,679
the one thing you're supposed
to do is shop for organic
136
00:06:41,683 --> 00:06:43,966
food and clean the house,
that was our agreement.
137
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:45,491
I do! That's all I do!
138
00:06:45,717 --> 00:06:48,719
You know, I-I-I don't even get
drunk anymore, I only get stoned!
139
00:06:48,763 --> 00:06:50,289
I didn't draw Super Ray today!
140
00:06:50,289 --> 00:06:52,523
I only hang out with Jonathan three times a week!
141
00:06:53,298 --> 00:06:54,952
And I'm sick of being a Park Slope mom!
142
00:06:54,952 --> 00:06:57,304
Well, that's because you're
not a Park Slope man.
143
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:58,606
Son of a bitch.
144
00:06:58,611 --> 00:07:00,330
I mean it's... eNOUGH!
145
00:07:01,549 --> 00:07:03,682
Did you just call me a bitch?
146
00:07:03,854 --> 00:07:04,418
No.
147
00:07:04,418 --> 00:07:05,459
But I would like to.
148
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:06,418
Get out!
149
00:07:07,641 --> 00:07:08,009
Leah!
150
00:07:08,008 --> 00:07:08,689
Ow!
151
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:09,274
My back!
152
00:07:09,274 --> 00:07:10,716
You called me a bitch!
153
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:13,821
No, I didn't! I said I would like to!
There's a huge difference!
154
00:07:13,837 --> 00:07:16,137
Please leave! I j—I need some space!
155
00:07:26,842 --> 00:07:28,402
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
156
00:07:29,474 --> 00:07:30,594
and that...
157
00:07:31,797 --> 00:07:33,168
I'll try to be...
158
00:07:33,933 --> 00:07:35,053
a better person.
159
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:38,839
Okay?
160
00:07:41,934 --> 00:07:45,829
This restaurant isn't open yet,
so this is sort of a preview.
161
00:07:45,829 --> 00:07:50,250
Like a Broadway show, you know.
Like, uh, Spider-Man. Or Cats.
162
00:07:50,894 --> 00:07:55,503
You know, as a T.S. Eliot fan, I have to say,
I did love Cats when it first came out.
163
00:07:55,503 --> 00:07:57,988
Yeah, there was a lot of
pussy in that show, huh?
164
00:07:59,681 --> 00:08:00,514
Bernard!
165
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,948
What? But this is gonna
be a boy's night out.
166
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:06,830
E-E-Emily told me that you liked
dirty jokes so... I don't know.
167
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,114
- Well, here we are.
- Yes.
168
00:08:08,114 --> 00:08:11,308
Do—do you mind if I take
a quick hit of pot?
169
00:08:11,308 --> 00:08:12,599
It makes the food better.
170
00:08:12,599 --> 00:08:14,777
Wel— no, a-actually, no
a-a-actually, actually,
171
00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:16,102
I, I do mind.
172
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,126
See, Emily loves to smell me,
173
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,292
and I wanna respect her sobriety.
174
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,000
I just, I can't have pot
smoke all over my clothing.
175
00:08:23,438 --> 00:08:24,516
She won't smell anything.
176
00:08:24,523 --> 00:08:26,691
No, just, George, George,
George, please,
177
00:08:26,691 --> 00:08:29,276
you know, Emily would like it if you'd
be more attuned,
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00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,156
like a shaman, to her issues.
179
00:08:31,693 --> 00:08:33,982
That's why we came here,
for you to know her again.
180
00:08:33,982 --> 00:08:36,651
- Alright, alright, okay, okay,
no pot, just quit preaching.
- I mean— ok— alr—
181
00:08:36,651 --> 00:08:38,270
- Le- let, let's go in.
- I'm not preaching, but...
182
00:08:40,029 --> 00:08:42,254
Funny, the sign looks
just like my sign.
183
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:52,887
George!
184
00:08:53,310 --> 00:08:54,796
What a surprise!
185
00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:56,504
Jesus, you look gaunt!
186
00:08:56,879 --> 00:08:59,669
Is the gruel you're serving at George on Jane making you sick?
187
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:00,607
Who's your boyfriend?
188
00:09:01,752 --> 00:09:05,406
Oh... Bernard, Antrem.
Antrem, Bernard.
189
00:09:05,406 --> 00:09:06,273
What are you doing here?
190
00:09:06,273 --> 00:09:07,765
What, are you having a
mini-stroke or something?
191
00:09:07,765 --> 00:09:10,563
I'm the Richard in "Richard & Sons,"
you addled old sissy!
192
00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:13,852
Thanks for doing this.
193
00:09:14,025 --> 00:09:16,657
After I confront him, we can go to
this magic show on Williamsburg
194
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,866
which will be very youthful.
195
00:09:17,866 --> 00:09:20,924
Why do you keep emphasizing that
we're gonna do "youthful" things?
196
00:09:21,969 --> 00:09:23,030
Oh! Jonathan Ames?
197
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:24,350
Sometimes.
198
00:09:25,484 --> 00:09:26,640
How can I help you, Blondie?
199
00:09:26,828 --> 00:09:27,445
Who are you?
200
00:09:27,586 --> 00:09:28,781
Why are you impersonating me?
201
00:09:28,781 --> 00:09:30,498
I was wondering when you might show up.
202
00:09:30,998 --> 00:09:33,848
Well, love to talk to you sometime,
fish bait, but I'm busy.
203
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:35,350
"Fish bait"?
204
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:36,287
What do you mean you're busy?
205
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:37,064
Explain yourself!
206
00:09:37,064 --> 00:09:39,274
You can't just walk away from me;
You've stolen my name!
207
00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:42,477
Another time, skin tag, I'm on a case,
and I don't wanna be late.
208
00:09:43,008 --> 00:09:45,395
Won't be good for our... reputation.
209
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,326
You're on a case!?
210
00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:49,536
But you're wearing a windbreaker!
211
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:51,430
♪ Nothing's too good ♪
212
00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:53,792
♪ for my baby ♪
♫ for my baby ♫
213
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:55,488
♫ Is baby so good and... ♫
214
00:10:00,787 --> 00:10:05,591
Aren't you that good looking kid who
was looking for his girlfriend's dog?
215
00:10:05,724 --> 00:10:06,419
Yeah.
216
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:07,621
Don't rub it in.
217
00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:09,206
Why? What's the matter?
218
00:10:09,198 --> 00:10:10,568
She kicked me out of the house.
219
00:10:12,722 --> 00:10:14,542
Mind if I join ya, then?
220
00:10:16,486 --> 00:10:18,273
You're blue and lonely.
221
00:10:18,842 --> 00:10:20,200
We could sing a duet.
222
00:10:20,811 --> 00:10:21,440
Sure.
223
00:10:22,429 --> 00:10:23,328
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
224
00:10:23,529 --> 00:10:24,046
Yeah.
225
00:10:25,326 --> 00:10:27,801
Another Bailey's for
me, neat, and, uh...
226
00:10:27,803 --> 00:10:28,317
Whiskey?
227
00:10:28,317 --> 00:10:30,249
whiskey for handsome here.
228
00:10:32,303 --> 00:10:34,233
Can't believe I have an impersonator!
229
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,835
Why isn't he trying
harder to look like me?
230
00:10:37,099 --> 00:10:40,172
How do you know he isn't trying?
We don't know what he looked like before.
231
00:10:40,254 --> 00:10:41,072
Good point.
232
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,471
I'm sorry if we miss this magic show, but I
gotta figure out what this nut is up to.
233
00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:48,806
Oh, no, are you kidding me? This is much
more exciting. I feel really stimulated.
234
00:10:48,806 --> 00:10:52,173
Good. I love following people.
When I do it, I pretend like I'm a spy.
235
00:10:52,172 --> 00:10:55,239
Wait, you're a private detective
who pretends that he's a spy?
236
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,809
Yeah, it's like wearing layers
in the winter, but with fantasy.
237
00:10:57,809 --> 00:10:59,366
- Quit following me, gumshoe!
- Woah, Woah, Woah!
238
00:10:59,699 --> 00:11:00,692
How did you know we were—?
239
00:11:01,637 --> 00:11:03,639
Where'd you even learn
to be a detective?
240
00:11:03,643 --> 00:11:04,838
I read your book.
241
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:05,439
Really?
242
00:11:05,715 --> 00:11:06,465
Did you like it?
243
00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:07,325
So-so.
244
00:11:07,325 --> 00:11:09,453
Your endings are weak, and I found a typo.
245
00:11:09,453 --> 00:11:11,623
My endings are intentionally vague!
246
00:11:11,623 --> 00:11:13,207
But one book isn't enough training!
247
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,590
I read all of Hammett and Chandler
before I went professional!
248
00:11:15,590 --> 00:11:17,582
All right, lord it over me, ass rash,
249
00:11:17,582 --> 00:11:19,653
but you and the frail
better quit trailin' me!
250
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:20,633
I don't like it!
251
00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:22,443
Tough shit, we're coming on the case!
252
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:22,950
All right.
253
00:11:23,654 --> 00:11:26,410
But only because it'll be nice to have a broad on a stakeout.
254
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:28,014
It'll help pass the time
255
00:11:29,277 --> 00:11:31,040
We can play Spin the Dame.
256
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:36,263
I can't believe Antrem is
cultivating Salman Rushdie!
257
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,200
I mean, he's my number one customer!
258
00:11:38,494 --> 00:11:42,275
He- he loves our line-caught striped bass.
You should never have brought me here.
259
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,704
- Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know! I...
- George Christopher! Welcome.
260
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:49,994
Please tell me that Jonathan hasn't
infected the premises, has he?
261
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:51,841
No, no, he's not, not here.
262
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:55,083
But wh— what are you doing, Louis?
I don't understand the costume
263
00:11:55,083 --> 00:11:57,910
I know it's unusual to see me
in such a reduced station,
264
00:11:57,910 --> 00:12:01,038
but Richard was good enough to hire
me under the work release program
265
00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:04,477
after I was arrested for...
vandalizing the Dick Cavett set.
266
00:12:04,484 --> 00:12:06,562
Oh, well. Well, I'm sorry, sorry about that.
267
00:12:06,570 --> 00:12:08,094
But, come here, let, lemme ask you something.
268
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:11,399
Wh- why is this place called "Richard & Sons"?
269
00:12:11,406 --> 00:12:12,832
Antrem doesn't have any children.
270
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:15,926
No, that's true, but, uh, he's
always wanted male heirs, and
271
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:19,919
I think Richard and I both agree that I fulfill
the role of "son" in "Richard & Sons."
272
00:12:19,919 --> 00:12:23,679
Oh! Sorry to be a fuss-budget,
but it's plural. "Sons."
273
00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:26,804
Yes, we're also thinking about
adopting one of the Filipino busboys.
274
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,067
You know, to complete the family.
275
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:30,314
- And tax purposes.
- What did I say about talking to guests?
276
00:12:31,699 --> 00:12:32,392
Sorry, Richard.
277
00:12:32,392 --> 00:12:35,337
Excuse me, gentlemen, I've got to go
verbally lash my coworkers.
278
00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:37,020
Out of my way!
279
00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:38,453
Excuse me!
280
00:12:39,256 --> 00:12:40,357
He's a good boy.
281
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:43,399
I love humiliating him.
You can see how deep it cuts.
282
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,739
Richard, why did you
open a restaurant?
283
00:12:46,739 --> 00:12:50,143
Saw what you did, hated it,
thought I could do better.
284
00:12:50,142 --> 00:12:51,295
That's not very pleasant.
285
00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:52,617
I-I-I'll handle this.
286
00:12:52,617 --> 00:12:53,257
You know,
287
00:12:54,012 --> 00:12:55,687
...that wasn't very pleasant.
288
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,507
You know something?
You're no- you're nothing but a...
289
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:58,852
...a copycat!
290
00:12:58,852 --> 00:13:00,327
That's pretty tough talk
291
00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:03,068
for someone who has to go a hundred
miles to get his radicchio!
292
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:04,231
What's that supposed to mean?
293
00:13:04,239 --> 00:13:08,646
All of our produce and proteins come
from within fifty miles of New York!
294
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,157
You claim a hundred.
295
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,164
Do the math!
296
00:13:11,164 --> 00:13:13,262
I'm gonna dominate the artisanal scene!
297
00:13:13,262 --> 00:13:16,162
Fifty miles? But that—that's not possible!
298
00:13:16,418 --> 00:13:18,119
Looks like loverboy needs a drink.
299
00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:23,183
This is bad.
300
00:13:24,044 --> 00:13:25,394
This is very bad.
301
00:13:33,224 --> 00:13:34,936
Oh my god, that's obscene!
302
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,059
This is a really good case!
303
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:37,995
I wanna look!
304
00:13:37,995 --> 00:13:39,138
No, it's too upsetting.
305
00:13:39,138 --> 00:13:40,332
Are you a member of PETA?
306
00:13:40,332 --> 00:13:42,270
Don't protect her.
She's a grown woman.
307
00:13:42,603 --> 00:13:43,560
What are you, a C-cup?
308
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,903
Oh! Don't be rude,
and you, don't stop me. I wanna look!
309
00:13:48,892 --> 00:13:50,467
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
310
00:13:50,676 --> 00:13:53,403
Mm, that doesn't bother me.
I used to be a plushie.
311
00:13:53,505 --> 00:13:54,239
Really?
312
00:13:54,239 --> 00:13:56,240
Yeah, I've had a lot of phases.
313
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,024
That's good.
314
00:13:57,024 --> 00:13:58,330
I like troubled women.
315
00:13:58,330 --> 00:13:59,602
Makes 'em needy.
316
00:14:00,369 --> 00:14:01,840
So what's the plan?
317
00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:04,588
I gotta get a picture of that
horny tiger with his helmet off.
318
00:14:04,588 --> 00:14:06,681
That's the one I'm trying
to catch in the act.
319
00:14:06,685 --> 00:14:07,568
Who hired you?
320
00:14:07,568 --> 00:14:08,785
Tiger's boyfriend.
321
00:14:08,785 --> 00:14:11,413
He's a handsome power
bottom, but not a plushie.
322
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:15,061
Tiger over there was supposed to
give up his taste for the fur.
323
00:14:15,061 --> 00:14:16,980
I've worked these kinds of cases.
324
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:19,140
Yeah? Well,
325
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,410
the only thing to do now is wait.
326
00:14:21,788 --> 00:14:23,433
That's one way to go about it.
327
00:14:23,561 --> 00:14:24,874
What's the other way?
328
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,388
We could, uhh...
329
00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:32,270
This is how real detectives
pass the time.
330
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:35,012
Want a hit, dollface?
It'll improve my looks.
331
00:14:35,012 --> 00:14:36,361
Um, no, thank you.
332
00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:37,349
I'll have some.
333
00:14:37,692 --> 00:14:39,155
I've also got pot,
334
00:14:39,155 --> 00:14:41,736
which is another way
that real detectives...
335
00:14:41,736 --> 00:14:43,167
...pass the time.
336
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:52,001
I'm on supervised visits with my son.
337
00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:53,917
Only get to play with him
in front of his mother.
338
00:14:55,552 --> 00:14:58,104
I have no income,
and my art career is shit.
339
00:14:58,877 --> 00:15:00,225
And my girlfriend hates me.
340
00:15:00,664 --> 00:15:02,060
I feel for you, Ray.
341
00:15:02,271 --> 00:15:03,998
You got nothin' going for you.
342
00:15:03,998 --> 00:15:04,654
Well, I—
343
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,917
It's like a bad run in cards.
344
00:15:06,919 --> 00:15:09,057
But these things pass,
345
00:15:09,057 --> 00:15:10,840
and then you get a good run.
346
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,882
But I know, when you lose,
347
00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:16,230
it feels like you're gonna lose forever.
348
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:19,163
Yeah. That's where I am right now.
349
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,107
All bad cards.
Plus I have back spasms.
350
00:15:22,293 --> 00:15:24,725
I had a streak like yours in my forties.
351
00:15:25,226 --> 00:15:28,898
My husband acted drunk one night
and slept with my sister.
352
00:15:29,046 --> 00:15:33,358
She was having a breakdown, going
haywire, wasn't thinking clearly,
353
00:15:33,357 --> 00:15:34,217
and he...
354
00:15:35,210 --> 00:15:36,618
...he was a man.
355
00:15:38,086 --> 00:15:39,416
I understand.
356
00:15:51,305 --> 00:15:53,511
That tiger's head has
a functional mouth,
357
00:15:53,512 --> 00:15:55,201
so I don't think he's
ever gonna remove it.
358
00:15:55,201 --> 00:15:55,921
He will.
359
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,399
After he cums, he'll lose
interest and take the head off.
360
00:15:58,936 --> 00:16:00,934
Underneath that costume is a man.
361
00:16:00,943 --> 00:16:02,461
What's that supposed to mean?
362
00:16:02,466 --> 00:16:04,310
After an orgasm, a male,
363
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,293
even a plushophile,
just wants to move on.
364
00:16:07,293 --> 00:16:10,364
Kiss me a few times, and I'll...
prove my theory to you.
365
00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:11,583
Hey! Let's keep this civil!
366
00:16:11,583 --> 00:16:13,935
Yeah. Back off, Romeo, I'm engaged.
367
00:16:13,943 --> 00:16:15,450
To this pimple of a preschooler?
368
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,548
No, no, to a much, much older man.
369
00:16:18,415 --> 00:16:18,907
Wha—?
370
00:16:19,329 --> 00:16:20,400
I'm sorry.
371
00:16:20,983 --> 00:16:23,368
I'm stoned.
Tha— that's what George told me.
372
00:16:23,368 --> 00:16:25,037
Oh my God!
373
00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,553
Eugh, my dad is such a jerk!
374
00:16:27,655 --> 00:16:30,383
What exactly did he say about Bernard?
375
00:16:30,383 --> 00:16:31,143
Nothing!
376
00:16:31,143 --> 00:16:32,809
Just that he's older,
377
00:16:32,809 --> 00:16:36,105
and that he wanted me to show
you a youthful good time,
378
00:16:36,105 --> 00:16:37,220
and, um...
379
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,355
that's it.
380
00:16:38,355 --> 00:16:39,209
Bullshit!
381
00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:41,855
As somebody with borderline
personality disorder,
382
00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:44,911
I'm like a human polygraph,
and I can tell you're lying.
383
00:16:44,911 --> 00:16:48,881
Forget that. What else did George say?
I really want you to tell me!
384
00:16:48,881 --> 00:16:50,966
- Pteh.
- You have to tell me!
385
00:16:50,974 --> 00:16:53,908
Otherwise I'll just make it up,
and it'll probably be worse.
386
00:16:54,522 --> 00:16:57,269
He's just very concerned
about you having children,
387
00:16:57,277 --> 00:17:00,496
he said that you were talking
about your ripe plums—
388
00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:03,187
He talked about my plums?
389
00:17:03,187 --> 00:17:04,700
Yes, but in a loving way!
390
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:05,743
Ugh!
391
00:17:05,847 --> 00:17:06,776
Grhhh!
392
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:07,573
Guh!
393
00:17:07,573 --> 00:17:09,008
Fuck him!
394
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:09,982
Sweetheart!
395
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:12,884
Your dad sounds like a real perv.
396
00:17:13,611 --> 00:17:16,846
But you do have gorgeous plums, I...
love a C-cup.
397
00:17:16,846 --> 00:17:20,549
Just take a slug and relax.
It'll be good for ya.
398
00:17:22,549 --> 00:17:23,434
Guhh!
399
00:17:26,721 --> 00:17:28,129
Now we're on a stakeout!
400
00:17:33,034 --> 00:17:34,981
We might as well be
sitting in the kitchen!
401
00:17:34,981 --> 00:17:37,890
Oh, George, I'm so sorry about all this.
402
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,140
I wanted us to have a good time.
403
00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:41,541
I want you to like me!
404
00:17:41,541 --> 00:17:42,476
I like you.
405
00:17:42,476 --> 00:17:47,021
Ye— look, I don't care about that right now!
I'm trying to observe the competition.
406
00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:50,913
If Antrem gets the artisinal crowd,
It could be the end of George on Jane.
407
00:17:50,913 --> 00:17:54,650
It could be the end of me, because
stupidly I invested all my money in it.
408
00:17:58,392 --> 00:18:00,232
Can I have your attention please?
409
00:18:00,861 --> 00:18:04,708
Thank you so much for coming
to the opening of Richard & Sons.
410
00:18:04,971 --> 00:18:06,765
- As some of you may know,
- Do you mind?
411
00:18:06,765 --> 00:18:09,960
we are trying to elevate
New York City's connection
412
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,027
with its food.
413
00:18:11,629 --> 00:18:14,990
We promote only truly local fare
414
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,636
grown by vegans
415
00:18:16,719 --> 00:18:18,449
and conscientious objectors.
416
00:18:23,051 --> 00:18:24,940
Some restaurants in New York City,
417
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:27,534
like that salmonella shack George on Jane,
418
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:30,269
falsely claim that a hundred miles is local.
419
00:18:30,995 --> 00:18:33,618
I say, why travel that far
420
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:36,711
when New York City itself
is far greener than that?
421
00:18:36,711 --> 00:18:38,384
You know, and itself provides an—
422
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:39,655
- an eco–role-model
- Woah!
423
00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:43,040
- for the enti—
- Woah! Oh!
A, a rat just ran up my pant leg!
424
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,501
A large rat!
425
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:45,955
Oh my God! There it goes!
426
00:18:45,955 --> 00:18:47,703
Ahh! I think I see it!
427
00:18:47,703 --> 00:18:50,855
- Everybody calm down!
- Something just ran over my foot!
428
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:52,281
Fire!
429
00:18:52,281 --> 00:18:53,060
- Fire!
- What?!
430
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:54,573
I think the rat's on fire!
431
00:18:54,573 --> 00:18:56,949
Wait!
You senile bitch!
432
00:18:56,949 --> 00:18:58,875
There's no fuckin' rat on fire!
433
00:19:00,241 --> 00:19:01,245
Assholes!
434
00:19:02,388 --> 00:19:04,580
Tiger is going to the door....
435
00:19:10,211 --> 00:19:12,200
Holy shit, threesome.
436
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:15,072
Think you'll learn something from these dudes.
437
00:19:15,604 --> 00:19:18,276
Lemme see, Mister Borderline.
438
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:19,834
There you go.
439
00:19:21,385 --> 00:19:23,767
- It's hot when you're
dismissive, keep it up.
- Yeah...
440
00:19:25,501 --> 00:19:26,939
Nice dance.
441
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:30,470
Okay, I'm gonna go down to
the bar and take a squirt.
442
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:31,775
Emily?
443
00:19:33,533 --> 00:19:34,541
Are you all right?
444
00:19:34,876 --> 00:19:36,974
Ye- yeah, I'm fine, I just have to pee.
445
00:19:37,548 --> 00:19:41,997
Be sure to layer the seat with T.P.,
that place looked nasty!
446
00:19:41,997 --> 00:19:44,096
Gotta keep that hot ass clean.
447
00:19:44,779 --> 00:19:46,131
She's blitzed.
448
00:19:46,131 --> 00:19:47,149
I like it.
449
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:50,140
Hey, this is getting good.
450
00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:50,840
Yeah.
451
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,622
So why exactly are you pretending to be me?
452
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,437
What do you care?
453
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:58,904
What do you mean? Of course I care!
I've never had my identity stolen before.
454
00:19:58,911 --> 00:20:00,167
Never been that popular.
455
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:03,152
Well, I read about you in the paper,
and I figured I could do what you do.
456
00:20:03,152 --> 00:20:06,065
I watch a lot of noir films,
and I'm on disability.
457
00:20:06,065 --> 00:20:07,971
Jesus! That hardly qualifies you.
458
00:20:07,978 --> 00:20:09,010
Shut up!
459
00:20:09,683 --> 00:20:11,113
No, I won't shut up!
460
00:20:11,113 --> 00:20:15,792
And, as my imposter, I think you should
be a bit more respectful towards me.
461
00:20:15,784 --> 00:20:18,055
Alright, alright,
don't get your braids in a knot.
462
00:20:19,374 --> 00:20:22,986
Hey. Tiger's going back to the door.
This orgy's getting bigger.
463
00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,092
Oh, my God, that's Emily!
464
00:20:29,482 --> 00:20:33,195
Good girl, now just get out of the way
so I can see his face....
465
00:20:33,448 --> 00:20:35,602
Oh, my God, that tiger smacked her!
466
00:20:35,729 --> 00:20:36,616
Oh, lemme see!
467
00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,898
- Those animals are gonna eat her!
- Let's go, we gotta save her!
468
00:20:43,661 --> 00:20:44,689
A mop?!
469
00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:52,549
Right behind ya!
470
00:20:56,293 --> 00:20:58,133
We didn't mean to hurt her.
471
00:20:59,806 --> 00:21:01,012
Holy shit!
472
00:21:01,642 --> 00:21:03,973
Smells like fur and jizz in here!
473
00:21:07,859 --> 00:21:09,555
I like the way you eat.
474
00:21:09,555 --> 00:21:11,208
You have a nice body.
475
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:12,050
Mm, thank you.
476
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,230
It's like a fat brick.
477
00:21:14,669 --> 00:21:16,570
That's how my Nat was.
478
00:21:17,757 --> 00:21:20,392
Can't eat more.
My girdle's pinching me.
479
00:21:20,673 --> 00:21:24,285
You know what you should try for your back? Oxycontin.
480
00:21:24,285 --> 00:21:28,420
I was on it when I got my new hip.
It's good for the whole body.
481
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:30,909
I've heard that stuff is great,
especially if you snort it.
482
00:21:30,909 --> 00:21:33,798
My girlfriend Rita told me the same thing.
483
00:21:35,058 --> 00:21:38,818
You know, I didn't take
all the pills after the surgery.
484
00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:44,896
You could come back to my place, and
have some if you like.
485
00:21:44,896 --> 00:21:46,193
You can call Rita?
486
00:21:47,321 --> 00:21:48,515
Make it a party?
487
00:21:48,888 --> 00:21:49,782
Ah...
488
00:21:52,337 --> 00:21:54,038
I'm really sorry about everything.
489
00:21:57,867 --> 00:21:59,289
See ya, sugar plums.
490
00:21:59,992 --> 00:22:01,698
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
491
00:22:02,918 --> 00:22:03,794
We did it!
492
00:22:04,153 --> 00:22:07,052
We make a great team.
My brains, your name—
493
00:22:07,052 --> 00:22:08,623
Here's what's gonna happen.
494
00:22:08,623 --> 00:22:11,637
You're gonna take down that ad,
you're gonna stop using my name,
495
00:22:11,637 --> 00:22:12,921
and I'm never gonna see you again.
496
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:13,778
Fine!
497
00:22:13,778 --> 00:22:15,519
I'm getting out of this racket anyway.
498
00:22:15,519 --> 00:22:19,139
I just needed the thousand bucks to
get certified as a massage therapist.
499
00:22:20,273 --> 00:22:21,771
They charge a thousand dollars?
500
00:22:27,666 --> 00:22:30,729
Mm, you know, whenever I'm depressed,
501
00:22:31,619 --> 00:22:34,535
I'm gonna picture Antrem's face
as it was tonight.
502
00:22:34,822 --> 00:22:37,227
Even if he drives me out of business,
503
00:22:37,227 --> 00:22:39,117
I will have that to hold on to.
504
00:22:39,327 --> 00:22:40,639
You should know, George,
505
00:22:40,639 --> 00:22:44,466
that if you ever do need a loan
to keep the restaurant going,
506
00:22:45,746 --> 00:22:46,814
I'm here for you.
507
00:22:47,488 --> 00:22:47,919
Alright?
508
00:22:48,024 --> 00:22:49,262
No, I couldn't do that.
509
00:22:49,989 --> 00:22:53,924
I—I sold my tech company for a
hundred fifty million dollars.
510
00:22:53,924 --> 00:22:59,527
I only tell you this to reassure you
that I can help you if you need it.
511
00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:00,947
You'd really help me?
512
00:23:00,947 --> 00:23:05,148
- We— anything for my
future father-in-law!
- Oh!
513
00:23:08,247 --> 00:23:10,980
- Oh, hey, you know. No cell phones.
- Oh! Emily.
514
00:23:11,201 --> 00:23:13,591
- She's probably checkin' on us.
- Fine, fine, fine.
515
00:23:15,037 --> 00:23:15,994
Emily?
516
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:18,161
What?!
517
00:23:19,579 --> 00:23:20,762
I'll be right home.
518
00:23:21,644 --> 00:23:25,414
Emily was attacked by a
homosexual tiger in Brooklyn!
519
00:23:32,655 --> 00:23:35,569
Emily's perfect Christopher
nose is broken!
520
00:23:35,569 --> 00:23:37,955
- I, I'm so sorry, George!
- You know, I, I can't believe
521
00:23:37,955 --> 00:23:40,738
that you got her drunk and stoned?
522
00:23:40,738 --> 00:23:43,143
I mean, she's in AA, Jonathan!
523
00:23:43,143 --> 00:23:44,073
You didn't tell me that!
524
00:23:44,073 --> 00:23:44,804
Well—!
525
00:23:45,512 --> 00:23:47,895
I'm in denial about her sobriety.
526
00:23:47,895 --> 00:23:50,040
You're supposed to be in
denial about her using!
527
00:23:50,046 --> 00:23:52,655
No! No, no! You know, I
trusted you with my daughter!
528
00:23:52,655 --> 00:23:56,194
I followed your instructions, we had an
adventure, I did the best that I could!
529
00:23:56,194 --> 00:24:00,226
No! You didn't! And now she won't
talk to me anymore! I mean...
530
00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:03,476
She says I'm a people, place,
and, and thing, which is
531
00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:06,571
AA speak for something
that causes a relapse.
532
00:24:06,576 --> 00:24:07,490
Oh, George.
533
00:24:07,497 --> 00:24:09,232
Don't you understand what happened?
534
00:24:09,232 --> 00:24:12,099
I w—I was rebuilding our, our
relationship, and, and...
535
00:24:12,481 --> 00:24:15,334
now I'm not a father
anymore, I'm a trigger!
536
00:24:15,334 --> 00:24:18,808
I'm sorry! Things got out of control,
but you were the one who wanted me
537
00:24:18,808 --> 00:24:21,082
to sabotage her
engagement with Bernard!
538
00:24:21,082 --> 00:24:23,451
No! Not anymore!
He's a beautiful person!
539
00:24:23,451 --> 00:24:27,014
But you! You crossed every
line tonight, Jonathan.
540
00:24:27,014 --> 00:24:30,909
Now I just wanted to tell you in person.
I'm very, very disappointed in you.
541
00:24:32,308 --> 00:24:33,046
That's all.
542
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,389
George, please!
543
00:24:36,389 --> 00:24:37,380
You know something?
544
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:41,659
Emily's taking a break from me,
so I'm taking a break from you.
545
00:24:46,060 --> 00:24:49,234
You mean like...
the silent treatment?
546
00:25:12,668 --> 00:25:16,197
♪ I want to be your girlfriend. ♪
547
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,358
♪ I want to stay up all night talking ♪
548
00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:26,935
♪ and cook you breakfast in the morning. ♪
549
00:25:29,881 --> 00:25:33,180
♪ We could go on missions, ♪
550
00:25:34,274 --> 00:25:39,005
♪ (Bachelorette – "I Want to Be Your Girlfriend") ♪