If anyone knows anything
about the Hudson sperm bank
that went up in flames in Fair Lawn, New Jersey, in 1981
please help me.
I love being a father once a week,
but it is so draining.
My new dad! Huh?
That's what I liked when I was young.
To feel a man's weight.
A lot of women today, they don't appreciate heft.
You're cheating on me with him?!
Who is that?!
Mr. Cavett! I was just trying to bring down the curtain!
This is a monstrous place.
♪ All the shadows in the city ♪
♪ used to love ya, what a pity. ♪
♪ I miss the question you used to ask me. ♪
♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪
"We Could Sing a Duet"
I think I was aiming so well because Emily's making me
go on a date tonight with Bernard, and I don't wanna go.
Well, you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do! Okay?
Just wear two pairs of underwear and that'll slow 'em down.
No, I can handle Bernard, that's not the problem.
It's their relationship that's eating at me.
I need the two of you to sabotage their engagement.
Sabotage?
I know, that's strong language, but things have gotten worse!
They're talking about having children now!
She told me that her eg— that her eggs are like plums!
Very ripe!
Really? Plums?
Yes! But the truth is, she's still maturing, and he's half dead!
You know, I have to save her from herself somehow.
We g—we gotta get Bernard out of the picture.
We could bring him here.
We could accidentally shoot him.
I'm such a bad shot we could probably get away with it.
No. No. Look. Here. Here's what we do.
Take her out tonight, show her a- a— a... youthful time.
Show her what she'll be missing by marrying some old fart.
We can do that.
I can't. I finally became unconstipated.
Creatively.
Only took about a year.
Okay, alright. But then it's up to you, Jonathan. Please.
Take her dancing, you know.
Have an adventure!
Go to Coney Island.
Anything!
Like a date, but... platonic.
Okay!
I'm good at platonic.
It's my default sexual setting.
After nervous.
Thank you.
What are you working on, sweetheart?
I finally made a breakthough on SuperRay 2!
His son, Super Spencer,
is kidnapped by The Emasculator...
...kind of a... half-woman, half-plant.
She looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting,
except when you punch her,
she, uh,
gives you a urinary tract infection.
Okay. You know what you're doing.
You know, just work a few more minutes and then get started on your chores.
Look, can you do them today?
I'm feeling, like, really potent and thick.
See, my pencil is Ron Jeremy.
Usually I'm like this.
But today I'm more like...
...just, right on target, like, just really bangin' it out.
Yeah, but, Ray, that's not fair.
I work all week, and today's my day to just be with the girls.
You know that!
But I wanna draw!
Ow! Gah!
D'ow! Gah!
Hmph!
Slimming?
New York is so lit up!
Guess everyone's afraid of the dark, but it's a great view.
Yeah, it's great, but...
only a young person like me would live above a clough that makes the whole apartment shake.
Wh—what?
You'll see. In a minute, this place will have a case of delirium tremens.
Want a glass of wine?
Oh! Um, no thanks, just water.
I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer you.
As a youthful bachelor, I live off white wine and avocados.
♪ahem♪
Nice...
Woah! Oh, haha!
You know, you look a lot like George.
I can see him hidden in your features.
Really?
Yeah, we're very close. He's like a father to me!
Which I kind of need.
I'm searching for my biological dad, but the trail's gone cold.
Oh, but, aren't you a private detective?
I saw your ad on Craigslist. Your slogan was funny.
But I don't have a slogan.
Oh, yeah you do!
"Need a dick?"
That is catchy.
But it's not mine.
No, look!
Hm.
Oh my god!
I have a double.
Girls are all tucked in.
That's good.
Ray, is this the wrapping from the chicken?
Yeah, why?
You took the sticker off an apple.
Well yeah, uhhhh, the—
the apple was organic, so...
You let the girls eat a factory farm chicken?
That's in their perfect bellies right now?
My back was spasming.
I couldn't walk the extra block to Trader Joe's, I'm sorry.
I can't believe this!
You poisoned them!
You know I don't allow any industrial food in their bodies.
Leah, I-I—
You put hormones into them!
And I showed you that article on early breast development!
What were you thinking?!
I don't think one industrialized chicken is gonna set off puberty!
I didn't start developing breasts until I was... I was in my thirties!
- Ray, - I was in my thirties.
the one thing you're supposed to do is shop for organic
food and clean the house, that was our agreement.
I do! That's all I do!
You know, I-I-I don't even get drunk anymore, I only get stoned!
I didn't draw Super Ray today!
I only hang out with Jonathan three times a week!
And I'm sick of being a Park Slope mom!
Well, that's because you're not a Park Slope man.
Son of a bitch.
I mean it's... eNOUGH!
Did you just call me a bitch?
No.
But I would like to.
Get out!
Leah!
Ow!
My back!
You called me a bitch!
No, I didn't! I said I would like to! There's a huge difference!
Please leave! I j—I need some space!
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
and that...
I'll try to be...
a better person.
Okay?
This restaurant isn't open yet, so this is sort of a preview.
Like a Broadway show, you know. Like, uh, Spider-Man. Or Cats.
You know, as a T.S. Eliot fan, I have to say, I did love Cats when it first came out.
Yeah, there was a lot of pussy in that show, huh?
Bernard!
What? But this is gonna be a boy's night out.
E-E-Emily told me that you liked dirty jokes so... I don't know.
- Well, here we are. - Yes.
Do—do you mind if I take a quick hit of pot?
It makes the food better.
Wel— no, a-actually, no a-a-actually, actually,
I, I do mind.
See, Emily loves to smell me,
and I wanna respect her sobriety.
I just, I can't have pot smoke all over my clothing.
She won't smell anything.
No, just, George, George, George, please,
you know, Emily would like it if you'd be more attuned,
like a shaman, to her issues.
That's why we came here, for you to know her again.
- Alright, alright, okay, okay, no pot, just quit preaching. - I mean— ok— alr—
- Le- let, let's go in. - I'm not preaching, but...
Funny, the sign looks just like my sign.
George!
What a surprise!
Jesus, you look gaunt!
Is the gruel you're serving at George on Jane making you sick?
Who's your boyfriend?
Oh... Bernard, Antrem. Antrem, Bernard.
What are you doing here?
What, are you having a mini-stroke or something?
I'm the Richard in "Richard & Sons," you addled old sissy!
Thanks for doing this.
After I confront him, we can go to this magic show on Williamsburg
which will be very youthful.
Why do you keep emphasizing that we're gonna do "youthful" things?
Oh! Jonathan Ames?
Sometimes.
How can I help you, Blondie?
Who are you?
Why are you impersonating me?
I was wondering when you might show up.
Well, love to talk to you sometime, fish bait, but I'm busy.
"Fish bait"?
What do you mean you're busy?
Explain yourself!
You can't just walk away from me; You've stolen my name!
Another time, skin tag, I'm on a case, and I don't wanna be late.
Won't be good for our... reputation.
You're on a case!?
But you're wearing a windbreaker!
♪ Nothing's too good ♪
♪ for my baby ♪ ♫ for my baby ♫
♫ Is baby so good and... ♫
Aren't you that good looking kid who was looking for his girlfriend's dog?
Yeah.
Don't rub it in.
Why? What's the matter?
She kicked me out of the house.
Mind if I join ya, then?
You're blue and lonely.
We could sing a duet.
Sure.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Yeah.
Another Bailey's for me, neat, and, uh...
Whiskey?
whiskey for handsome here.
Can't believe I have an impersonator!
Why isn't he trying harder to look like me?
How do you know he isn't trying? We don't know what he looked like before.
Good point.
I'm sorry if we miss this magic show, but I gotta figure out what this nut is up to.
Oh, no, are you kidding me? This is much more exciting. I feel really stimulated.
Good. I love following people. When I do it, I pretend like I'm a spy.
Wait, you're a private detective who pretends that he's a spy?
Yeah, it's like wearing layers in the winter, but with fantasy.
- Quit following me, gumshoe! - Woah, Woah, Woah!
How did you know we were—?
Where'd you even learn to be a detective?
I read your book.
Really?
Did you like it?
So-so.
Your endings are weak, and I found a typo.
My endings are intentionally vague!
But one book isn't enough training!
I read all of Hammett and Chandler before I went professional!
All right, lord it over me, ass rash,
but you and the frail better quit trailin' me!
I don't like it!
Tough shit, we're coming on the case!
All right.
But only because it'll be nice to have a broad on a stakeout.
It'll help pass the time
We can play Spin the Dame.
I can't believe Antrem is cultivating Salman Rushdie!
I mean, he's my number one customer!
He- he loves our line-caught striped bass. You should never have brought me here.
- Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know! I... - George Christopher! Welcome.
Please tell me that Jonathan hasn't infected the premises, has he?
No, no, he's not, not here.
But wh— what are you doing, Louis? I don't understand the costume
I know it's unusual to see me in such a reduced station,
but Richard was good enough to hire me under the work release program
after I was arrested for... vandalizing the Dick Cavett set.
Oh, well. Well, I'm sorry, sorry about that.
But, come here, let, lemme ask you something.
Wh- why is this place called "Richard & Sons"?
Antrem doesn't have any children.
No, that's true, but, uh, he's always wanted male heirs, and
I think Richard and I both agree that I fulfill the role of "son" in "Richard & Sons."
Oh! Sorry to be a fuss-budget, but it's plural. "Sons."
Yes, we're also thinking about adopting one of the Filipino busboys.
You know, to complete the family.
- And tax purposes. - What did I say about talking to guests?
Sorry, Richard.
Excuse me, gentlemen, I've got to go verbally lash my coworkers.
Out of my way!
Excuse me!
He's a good boy.
I love humiliating him. You can see how deep it cuts.
Richard, why did you open a restaurant?
Saw what you did, hated it, thought I could do better.
That's not very pleasant.
I-I-I'll handle this.
You know,
...that wasn't very pleasant.
You know something? You're no- you're nothing but a...
...a copycat!
That's pretty tough talk
for someone who has to go a hundred miles to get his radicchio!
What's that supposed to mean?
All of our produce and proteins come from within fifty miles of New York!
You claim a hundred.
Do the math!
I'm gonna dominate the artisanal scene!
Fifty miles? But that—that's not possible!
Looks like loverboy needs a drink.
This is bad.
This is very bad.
Oh my god, that's obscene!
This is a really good case!
I wanna look!
No, it's too upsetting.
Are you a member of PETA?
Don't protect her. She's a grown woman.
What are you, a C-cup?
Oh! Don't be rude, and you, don't stop me. I wanna look!
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Mm, that doesn't bother me. I used to be a plushie.
Really?
Yeah, I've had a lot of phases.
That's good.
I like troubled women.
Makes 'em needy.
So what's the plan?
I gotta get a picture of that horny tiger with his helmet off.
That's the one I'm trying to catch in the act.
Who hired you?
Tiger's boyfriend.
He's a handsome power bottom, but not a plushie.
Tiger over there was supposed to give up his taste for the fur.
I've worked these kinds of cases.
Yeah? Well,
the only thing to do now is wait.
That's one way to go about it.
What's the other way?
We could, uhh...
This is how real detectives pass the time.
Want a hit, dollface? It'll improve my looks.
Um, no, thank you.
I'll have some.
I've also got pot,
which is another way that real detectives...
...pass the time.
I'm on supervised visits with my son.
Only get to play with him in front of his mother.
I have no income, and my art career is shit.
And my girlfriend hates me.
I feel for you, Ray.
You got nothin' going for you.
Well, I—
It's like a bad run in cards.
But these things pass,
and then you get a good run.
But I know, when you lose,
it feels like you're gonna lose forever.
Yeah. That's where I am right now.
All bad cards. Plus I have back spasms.
I had a streak like yours in my forties.
My husband acted drunk one night and slept with my sister.
She was having a breakdown, going haywire, wasn't thinking clearly,
and he...
...he was a man.
I understand.
That tiger's head has a functional mouth,
so I don't think he's ever gonna remove it.
He will.
After he cums, he'll lose interest and take the head off.
Underneath that costume is a man.
What's that supposed to mean?
After an orgasm, a male,
even a plushophile, just wants to move on.
Kiss me a few times, and I'll... prove my theory to you.
Hey! Let's keep this civil!
Yeah. Back off, Romeo, I'm engaged.
To this pimple of a preschooler?
No, no, to a much, much older man.
Wha—?
I'm sorry.
I'm stoned. Tha— that's what George told me.
Oh my God!
Eugh, my dad is such a jerk!
What exactly did he say about Bernard?
Nothing!
Just that he's older,
and that he wanted me to show you a youthful good time,
and, um...
that's it.
Bullshit!
As somebody with borderline personality disorder,
I'm like a human polygraph, and I can tell you're lying.
Forget that. What else did George say? I really want you to tell me!
- Pteh. - You have to tell me!
Otherwise I'll just make it up, and it'll probably be worse.
He's just very concerned about you having children,
he said that you were talking about your ripe plums—
He talked about my plums?
Yes, but in a loving way!
Ugh!
Grhhh!
Guh!
Fuck him!
Sweetheart!
Your dad sounds like a real perv.
But you do have gorgeous plums, I... love a C-cup.
Just take a slug and relax. It'll be good for ya.
Guhh!
Now we're on a stakeout!
We might as well be sitting in the kitchen!
Oh, George, I'm so sorry about all this.
I wanted us to have a good time.
I want you to like me!
I like you.
Ye— look, I don't care about that right now! I'm trying to observe the competition.
If Antrem gets the artisinal crowd, It could be the end of George on Jane.
It could be the end of me, because stupidly I invested all my money in it.
Can I have your attention please?
Thank you so much for coming to the opening of Richard & Sons.
- As some of you may know, - Do you mind?
we are trying to elevate New York City's connection
with its food.
We promote only truly local fare
grown by vegans
and conscientious objectors.
Some restaurants in New York City,
like that salmonella shack George on Jane,
falsely claim that a hundred miles is local.
I say, why travel that far
when New York City itself is far greener than that?
You know, and itself provides an—
- an eco–role-model - Woah!
- for the enti— - Woah! Oh! A, a rat just ran up my pant leg!
A large rat!
Oh my God! There it goes!
Ahh! I think I see it!
- Everybody calm down! - Something just ran over my foot!
Fire!
- Fire! - What?!
I think the rat's on fire!
Wait! You senile bitch!
There's no fuckin' rat on fire!
Assholes!
Tiger is going to the door....
Holy shit, threesome.
Think you'll learn something from these dudes.
Lemme see, Mister Borderline.
There you go.
- It's hot when you're dismissive, keep it up. - Yeah...
Nice dance.
Okay, I'm gonna go down to the bar and take a squirt.
Emily?
Are you all right?
Ye- yeah, I'm fine, I just have to pee.
Be sure to layer the seat with T.P., that place looked nasty!
Gotta keep that hot ass clean.
She's blitzed.
I like it.
Hey, this is getting good.
Yeah.
So why exactly are you pretending to be me?
What do you care?
What do you mean? Of course I care! I've never had my identity stolen before.
Never been that popular.
Well, I read about you in the paper, and I figured I could do what you do.
I watch a lot of noir films, and I'm on disability.
Jesus! That hardly qualifies you.
Shut up!
No, I won't shut up!
And, as my imposter, I think you should be a bit more respectful towards me.
Alright, alright, don't get your braids in a knot.
Hey. Tiger's going back to the door. This orgy's getting bigger.
Oh, my God, that's Emily!
Good girl, now just get out of the way so I can see his face....
Oh, my God, that tiger smacked her!
Oh, lemme see!
- Those animals are gonna eat her! - Let's go, we gotta save her!
A mop?!
Right behind ya!
We didn't mean to hurt her.
Holy shit!
Smells like fur and jizz in here!
I like the way you eat.
You have a nice body.
Mm, thank you.
It's like a fat brick.
That's how my Nat was.
Can't eat more. My girdle's pinching me.
You know what you should try for your back? Oxycontin.
I was on it when I got my new hip. It's good for the whole body.
I've heard that stuff is great, especially if you snort it.
My girlfriend Rita told me the same thing.
You know, I didn't take all the pills after the surgery.
You could come back to my place, and have some if you like.
You can call Rita?
Make it a party?
Ah...
I'm really sorry about everything.
See ya, sugar plums.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
We did it!
We make a great team. My brains, your name—
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna take down that ad, you're gonna stop using my name,
and I'm never gonna see you again.
Fine!
I'm getting out of this racket anyway.
I just needed the thousand bucks to get certified as a massage therapist.
They charge a thousand dollars?
Mm, you know, whenever I'm depressed,
I'm gonna picture Antrem's face as it was tonight.
Even if he drives me out of business,
I will have that to hold on to.
You should know, George,
that if you ever do need a loan to keep the restaurant going,
I'm here for you.
Alright?
No, I couldn't do that.
I—I sold my tech company for a hundred fifty million dollars.
I only tell you this to reassure you that I can help you if you need it.
You'd really help me?
- We— anything for my future father-in-law! - Oh!
- Oh, hey, you know. No cell phones. - Oh! Emily.
- She's probably checkin' on us. - Fine, fine, fine.
Emily?
What?!
I'll be right home.
Emily was attacked by a homosexual tiger in Brooklyn!
Emily's perfect Christopher nose is broken!
- I, I'm so sorry, George! - You know, I, I can't believe
that you got her drunk and stoned?
I mean, she's in AA, Jonathan!
You didn't tell me that!
Well—!
I'm in denial about her sobriety.
You're supposed to be in denial about her using!
No! No, no! You know, I trusted you with my daughter!
I followed your instructions, we had an adventure, I did the best that I could!
No! You didn't! And now she won't talk to me anymore! I mean...
She says I'm a people, place, and, and thing, which is
AA speak for something that causes a relapse.
Oh, George.
Don't you understand what happened?
I w—I was rebuilding our, our relationship, and, and...
now I'm not a father anymore, I'm a trigger!
I'm sorry! Things got out of control, but you were the one who wanted me
to sabotage her engagement with Bernard!
No! Not anymore! He's a beautiful person!
But you! You crossed every line tonight, Jonathan.
Now I just wanted to tell you in person. I'm very, very disappointed in you.
That's all.
George, please!
You know something?
Emily's taking a break from me, so I'm taking a break from you.
You mean like... the silent treatment?
♪ I want to be your girlfriend. ♪
♪ I want to stay up all night talking ♪
♪ and cook you breakfast in the morning. ♪
♪ We could go on missions, ♪
♪ (Bachelorette – "I Want to Be Your Girlfriend") ♪