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向伟大领袖金正日致敬
瓦迪亚核武器问题
ABN新闻
国际社会与日益壮大的北非国家瓦迪亚 Tensions are rising as the stand-off
之间的对峙局面 between the world community
由于联合国武器核查人员 and the rogue North African nation of Wadiya intensified today,
再次被瓦迪亚国家领导人阿拉丁元帅 as U.N. weapons inspectors
拒之门外 were once again refused access to the country
而变得日趋紧张 by Wadiyan leader, Admiral General Aladeen.
我将不惜余力抵制核武器 I will take no options off the table.
没有回旋余地 And I mean what I say.
阿拉丁将军到底是何方神圣 让我们一探究竟 Tonight we ask... who is General Aladeen?
ABN新闻
谁是阿拉丁元帅
最高领袖在这一天出生了
根据瓦迪亚官方透露 According to Wadiyan propaganda,
哈法兹·阿拉丁生于1973年 Haffaz Aladeen was born in 1973.
其生母在分娩之后"过世" He did not know his mother, who died in childbirth.
阿拉丁将军乃阿拉丁上校的独子 General Aladeen was born the only son of the Colonel Aladeen,
他本人则是一个残暴的独裁者 himself a savage and violent dictator.
下一个 Next!
留着一脸标志性的大胡子 Known for his iconic beard,
阿拉丁将军由30个女保镖全天保护 he is protected by 30 female guards,
而他声称她们都还是处女 who he maintains are virgin.
七岁时他继承了父亲的权力 Thrust into power at age seven,
成为了世界上最危险的人 he may just be the most dangerous man in the entire world.
咱们开门见山吧 All right, let's get right to it.
你是否拥有核武器 Do you have nuclear weapons?
你说啥 What was the question?
你是否拥有核武器 Do you have nuclear weapons?
抱歉没听清 Sorry, I can't hear you.
你是否在研发核武器 Are you developing nuclear weapons?
我没懂你意思 No, I literally can't hear you.
那换个问题吧 I'm going to another question.
这下听清了 Oh, I can hear you now.
拥有无尽石油资源且特立独行的他 Eccentric and with unlimited oil wealth,
瓦迪亚运动会
最近主办了自己的私人奥运会 he recently hosted his own Olympic Games...
瓦迪亚运动会 100米决赛
各就各位 预备 On your mark, get set.
他在比赛中技压群雄 一举拿下14枚金牌 ...at which he won fourteen gold medals.
新世界纪录
阿拉丁 阿拉丁 Aladeen! Aladeen!
在众人的指责声中 Often described as ignorant,
《瓦迪亚英语词典》 阿拉丁元帅编撰
他用"阿拉丁"一词替换了三百多条瓦迪亚词汇 he changed over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen",
包括"积极的"和"消极的"两词 including the words "Positive" And "Negative",
此举造成了极大的语义分歧 causing mass confusion.
阿马蒂亚医生
你想先听阿拉丁消息还是阿拉丁消息 Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?
此处指"好消息"还是"坏消息"
那就阿拉丁消息吧 The Aladeen news?
你的艾滋病检验结果为阿拉丁性 You are HIV-Aladeen.
此处指检验结果"阴性"还是"阳性"
在逐渐增大的舆论压力下 With pressure mounting,
阿拉丁今天将对全国发表演说 Aladeen addressed his nation today.
阿拉丁 阿拉丁 Aladeen! Aladeen!
瓦迪亚的子民啊 People of Wadiya,
今天我在此向你们宣布 I come before you today to tell you that
世界将对你们伟大的祖国卑躬屈膝 the world shall kneel before our great nation.
两个月内我们就能提炼出武器级的铀 We are two months away from enriching weapons-grade uranium
并将之用于和平目的 to be used for peaceful purposes.
它只会被用于医学研究 It will be used only for medical research
以及清洁能源开发 我保证 and clean energy. It will, it will.
而绝不会用来攻击以色...说漏嘴了 And will certainly never be used to attack Is... Oh, boy.
独裁者
这个演说发表后 With that speech, today,
国际社会不得不置疑 the international community is asking one question:
秘密核工厂 阿拉丁沙漠
这个瓦迪亚疯子到底有没有核武器 Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya have nuclear weapons?
快拿出我的核武器吧 Now, show me my nuclear weapons!
我等不及了 我等不及了 I can't wait! I can't wait!
这就是"大胡子的审判"火箭? This is the Beard of Doom rocket?
这就是我的核武器 This is my weapon?
我会变成笑柄的 I will be a laughingstock!
我所有的哥们儿都有核武器了 All my friends have got nuclear weapons.
连艾哈迈迪内贾德都有了[伊朗现任总统] Even Ahmadinejad!
他现在像《迈阿密风云》里那二五仔似的 And he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice.
他戴上领带会死啊 Would it kill him to wear a tie?
休闲星期五 为美国众多企业发起的每周一天的便装日
难道伊朗每天都是休闲星期五吗 I mean, is every day in Iran Casual Friday?
我的那个后宫总管 Where is the Head of my Nuclear Program
兼核项目的总监在哪呢 and Procurer of Women?
那个核能纳达尔呢 Where is Nuclear Nadal?
纳达尔被你处决了 最高领袖 You had Nadal executed, Supreme Leader.
我处决他干什么 Why did I do that?
两年前
最高领袖 Supreme Leader!
纳达尔 Nadal.
几个月内我们就能提炼出武器级铀了 We are just months away from refining weapons-grade uranium,
下周我们就着手进行导弹试验 and we are set to test the missile next week.
这玩意顶端太圆了 把它弄尖一点 It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy.
圆的看起来不够气魄 尖尖的才吓人 Round is not scary. Pointy is scary.
敌人看了这个会笑话我的 This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy.
我们发射的是导弹 不是巨大的机械鸡巴 They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them.
不 最高领袖 No, Supreme Leader.
首部的形状 The shape of the missile top
是不会影响导弹的空气动力 has nothing to do with aerodynamics.
关键是有效负载的传输 It is about the payload delivery.
不 尖头的才能插进地里 然后爆炸 No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.
最高领袖 Supreme Leader,
或许您对导弹的有些认知 I think perhaps some of your information about bombs
都来自于动画片吧 is coming from cartoons.
胡说 那些明明是军事纪录片 Nonsense. They were research films.
片中纪录道 被炸弹炸到的人 And in them, the victims of the bomb
都会一副灰头土脸的样子 would get very sooty faces
然后就灵魂脱壳 and then a see-through version of themselves
弹着竖琴升向天堂 started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp.
请教一个问题 在这些电影里 In this film, just one question,
指唐老鸭
是不是都有一只鸭子被炸到 was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens,
嘴巴歪到后脑勺 his bill goes around to the back of his head,
然后为了说话 它又把嘴扳回原位 and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?
是有这么一号人物 There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.
好吧 Okay.
现在我百分百确定您看的是动画片了 I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.
你和专家们谈过这事了吗 Have you spoken to the experts about this?
- 你咨询过波贝教授了吗 - 谁 - Have you consulted Professor Bobeye? - Who?
波贝教授 Professor Bobeye,
一个小臂粗到 the one with the incredibly strong forearms
和身体完全不协调的家伙 that are miss-sized for his body.
您说的那个人叫波比[大力水手] The man you are discussing is called Popeye.
- 波贝 - 他可不是什么教授 - Bobeye. - He is not a professor.
根据动画片剧情 波比应该是个水手 Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man.
容我说一句 这样吧 你暂且把我当成个白痴 Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot.
我听着呢 Okay. I'm there.
你来解释一下这颗炸弹 And explain to me how this bomb
为什么不会在以色列着陆 will not land in Israel
然后这样弹回来并把瓦迪亚炸上天 and then, literally, bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.
最高领袖 请听我解释 Supreme Leader, let me explain to you.
还没说我就糊涂了 You've lost me.
这是咱们瓦迪亚的导弹 This is the missile in Wadiya,
你按下按钮 "卟" you push the button, "Boop!"
以色列... Israel...
"不 怎么了" "No! Why?"
核弹爆炸后寸草不生的景象称为核冬天
核冬天 Nuclear winter.
事实上是这样的 The reality is...
哦不[意第绪语] Oy vey!
我们挂了 Us.
相信我 Believe me, sir,
要能把它弄尖一点 if I could make the device even a little more pointy,
我早就弄了 但是技术上不允许啊 I would, but I simply cannot.
好吧 Okay. You know what?
咱们"求同存异"吧 伙计 Let's just agree to disagree, my friend.
好的 Okay.
你们干什么 不 What? Why? No!
- 您不记得了吗 - 我当然记得 - Don't you remember? - Of course I remember!
你竟敢质疑我的记忆力 我什么都记得 How dare you question my memory? I remember everything!
不 我没有 从来没有 No, I would never do that! Never!
很抱歉 我真不是那个意思 I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.
别担心 没事的 做的好 伙计 Don't worry, it's fine. Well done, my friend.
谢谢您 Thank you.
等等 你们带我去哪儿 Wait! Wait! Where are we going?
将军 要不直接告诉联合国 Admiral General, what if we just tell the United Nations
我们没有核武器 你看怎么样 we have no nuclear weapons?
这样他们就会停止对我们的制裁 They will lift the sanctions.
让我们把石油卖到加拉比亚沙漠了 We'll be free to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.
塔米尔叔叔 Uncle Tamir.
你还记得我那伟大的父亲 Do you not remember what my saintly father
临终前让我保证过什么吗 made me promise him on his deathbed?
永远不要卖瓦迪亚的石油 It was never to sell Wadiya's oil.
这也是为什么他将权力继承给了我 You remember that was when he gave me power
而不是作为合法继承人的你 instead of you, the rightful heir.
你太开放了 You've been so cool about it.
咱们回宫殿吧 Now, let's go back to the palace.
又到了压轴的 It's the season finale
超级无敌火辣俏主妇狂欢季了 of Real Housewives of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!
阿拉丁 阿拉丁 Aladeen! Aladeen!
去死吧暴君 Death to the tyrant!
我们得找个新替身了 Looks like we need to find a new double.
这一个好像... Because this one is...
也不知道他能不能恢复成原来那样 You know, I don't know if he's going to get better.
他没法恢复了 先生 他死了 Oh, he's not going to recover, sir. He's dead.
给他老婆寄一盒玻璃纸包装的 Send his wife some chocolate covered almond nuts
杏仁坚果巧克力吧 听起来都好吃 in a cellophane wrapped box. Delicious.
我们将给你老婆寄一些杏仁 We're going to send your wife some almonds.
外面包着巧克力那种 Chocolate covered versions of these.
马鲁史 有颗杏仁好像掉他脑袋里了 Maroush, I think I dropped an almond in his head.
你能把它取出来吗 Can you take it out?
我可不想把他的遗体寄回家时 What I don't want to do is send the body to the family
让他的家人在他脑袋里发现一颗杏仁 and then they discover an almond in his head,
他们会问"为什么他脑袋里有颗杏仁" and they say, "Why is there an almond in his head?"
取出来 Take it out.
擦干净 Clean it!
不然我怎么吃 How am I gonna eat that?
- 别吃啊 - 天啊 马鲁史 - Don't eat it. - Oh, Maroush!
一切都会好起来的 Listen, everything is gonna be just fine.
不用担心 I don't want you to worry about anything.
不过我跟你说话时你最好看着我 Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye when I'm speaking to you?
和人对话时看别处 It's very rude not to look at
是十分不礼貌的 somebody in the eye when they're talking to you.
好吧 没事的 今天你也受累了 It's okay. Don't worry. You're having a rough day.
杀错人了 We shot the wrong man.
交给我吧 我有个好主意 I can fix this. I have a new plan.
再找个替身 We need to find a new double.
找个我们能够完全操纵的傀儡 One that is simple enough to be manipulated completely.
我找到合适的人选了 I think we found what you are looking for.
你说他长得像我 You think this man looks like me?
你家谷仓真大 You have a very big barn.
你养的那么多羊肯定都很开心吧 You must have many happy goats, hmm?
这他妈都在胡扯些什么 What the fuck does that even mean?
塔米尔叔叔 这就是个脑残 Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot.
他怎么能胜任这份工作 What makes you think he can do the job?
提醒您一声 他唯一的"工作" May I remind you that his only real job
就是代替你被爆头 is to be shot in the head.
很好 让他走一遍程序吧 Very well. Put him through the process, okay?
给他剪指甲 锉牙 Clip his nails, file his teeth,
漂白肤色 再把鸡鸡剪短一点 bleach his skin, and shorten the penis.
梅根·福克斯 著名影星 《变形金刚》女主角
梅根 梅根 Megan! Megan!
我终于把疱疹传染给你了 You now have herpes.
梅根 和你嘿咻真是物超所值 Megan, you were worth every penny.
你也热力四射呢 You were super hot.
飞机准备好了吗 Is my jet ready?
好了 不过你难道不想在这过夜吗 Yes, but do you want to stay the night?
我真的想找个人抱着睡呢 You know, I really want to do some cuddling.
不行 到点了 No. Your time is up.
明天还得去给意大利首相陪睡呢 I have to be with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.
好吧 马鲁史 把礼包拿出来 Okay. Maroush, give the goodie bag!
谢了 Thanks.
所有你经纪人要的东西 I trust everything is in there,
都在里面了 as your manager requested?
凯蒂·佩里说她有一块钻石劳力士呢 Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.
那是因为她允许我"阿拉丁"在她脸上 That's because she let me Aladeen in her face.
好吧 Okay.
你确定你不想和我搂着睡一觉 Right. Are you sure you don't want to stay for some cuddles?
- 不想 - 拜托 - No. - But, please.
我真的想找个人抱抱 I really want someone to cuddle.
ABN特别报导
爆炸性新闻 就在刚才 Breaking news now. Just moments ago,
瓦迪亚谈判
联合国安理会投票通过了一项议案 the U.N. Security Council voted
除非阿拉丁元帅同意于联合国发表演说 to authorize NATO air strikes against Wadiya,
否则安理会将授权北约 unless Admiral General Aladeen
对瓦迪亚实施空中打击 agrees to address the U.N. in person.
全世界都在屏息等待 And now, the world waits.
阿拉丁将采取何种对策 What will Aladeen do next?
"自杀背心"已解锁 You've unlocked "The Suicide Vest".
任天堂WII 《恐怖分子2012》
下一关 不 这关没意思 换一下 Next. No, no, no. No. Boring, boring. Come on. Come on.
尊敬的老大 我刚听说了些恼人的消息 Beloved Oppressor, I have just received disturbing news.
1972年慕尼黑奥运会上 11名以色列运动员被恐怖分子杀害
欢迎来到慕尼黑奥运会 Welcome to the Munich Olympics.
您好 Shalom?
天哪 不 Oy vey!
最高领袖 Supreme Leader,
联合国要求您 the United Nations demands that
就咱们核武器的问题发个言 you address their concerns about our nuclear program,
不然他们就会投票采取军事行动 or they will vote to authorize military action.
先去集合我的幕僚 Summon my generals.
我打完这关就去找你们 I'll join you after I finish this level.
奖励关 无限挖坟 Bonus round. Mass grave.
联合国的那帮流氓想让我去演讲 Those gangsters at the UN want me to address them.
正合我意 Fine!
老子会说得他们屁滚尿流 I'll address them like they've never been addressed before.
他们给了我多少发言时间 How much time have they allotted me?
七分钟 先生 Seven minutes, sir.
那老子就要讲14个钟头 I'll talk for 14 hours!
而其中三小时的内容会是没法翻译的 And three of those will be untranslatable.
简单来说就是小崽子瞎叫唤 Literally, baby noises.
咱们试演一遍 来个角色扮演 Okay. Let's rehearse this. Role play, role play.
你 过来 这会很好玩的 You, come on. This'll be fun.
秘书长先生 你手下的士兵会以泪... So, Secretary General, your soldiers will weep...
真抱歉 这不是我的错 I'm so sorry! Listen, it was not my fault.
有人把保险 I mean, somebody had set the safety catch
从"阿拉丁"调成了"阿拉丁" to "Aladeen" instead of "Aladeen."
这把枪... Look, I mean, this whole gun...
没事的 只需要冰敷一下就行了 It's gonna be fine. You just need to ice it.
你得拿冰敷一下 You got to ice.
答应我要冰敷哟 Promise me you're going to ice?
好吧 塔米尔 Okay. Tamir!
把我的靠枕打上气 Inflate my neck pillow
顺便带上我的中级数独题册 and pack my book of medium- level Sudoku.
咱们去美国吧 We're going to America!
阻止阿拉丁 维持社会正义
美国 America!
艾滋病的发源地 The birthplace of AIDS.
兰卡斯特酒店
最高领袖 Supreme Leader,
我另帮您雇了些安保人员 I took the liberty of hiring some extra security.
这是克雷顿先生 This is Mr. Clayton.
将军先生 我将全天候保护您的安全 Admiral General, I am here for your protection 24/7.
好的 Okay.
可是先说好了 But in the interest of full disclosure,
我可不喜欢阿拉伯人 I have to say I hate A- rabs.
没事 我也不是阿拉伯人 Well, that's fine, because I'm not an Arab.
对我来说没区别 黑人 犹太人 Well, you're all A- rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews,
或是《阿凡达》里那些蓝色的丛林基佬 those blue tree- hugging queers in A- vatar.
在我看来 In fact,
只要不是美国人都统称阿拉伯人 anyone from outside of America is technically an A- rab.
这段时间 Listen, while you're here,
我强烈推荐你们这帮野猴子 I highly recommend a visit to the Empire State Building,
在还没有炸掉帝国大厦之前先去参观参观 before you or one of your sand- monkey cousins takes it down.
或者如果你对百老汇感兴趣 Also, if you're interested
而且你不歧视同性恋的话 in taking in a Broadway show while you're here,
影片男主人公不顾家人阻拦坚持学习芭蕾舞最后成为了舞蹈家
我强烈推荐你去看看 and you don't mind the homo stuff,
《舞动人生》 I highly recommend Billy Elliot.
这哥们儿不错 就是废话太多 You know what, I like this guy despite his liberal views.
很好 先生 Very good, sir.
最高领袖 Supreme Leader,
套房已经按您的口味装修过了 the suite has been renovated to your specifications.
上网一天要20美金 抢劫吗 Twenty dollars a day for Internet? What the fuck?
他们还好意思指责我是一个国际罪犯? And they accuse me of being an international criminal?
尊敬的老大 去睡会吧 Beloved Oppressor, try to get some sleep.
明天你还有一个重要的演讲呢 Tomorrow is your big speech.
都别动那个迷你吧 简直就是坑爹啊 Nobody touch the minibar! It's a fucking rip- off!
醒醒吧 Rise and shine.
你是谁 Who are you?
其实我们见过面了 We've actually already met.
你好 阿拉丁 Hello, Aladeen.
克雷顿 我还以为咱们是朋友呢 Clayton? I thought we were friends.
那真高兴认识你了 Nice to see you, too.
听好了 Here's the deal.
我要杀了你然后毁尸灭迹 I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna burn your body.
别 拜托别这么做 No, no, no. Please, don't.
不过我下手之前有个很重要的问题要问你 But before I do I have one very important question for you.
你看《舞动人生》了吗 Did you get a chance to see Billy Elliot?
看了 Yes.
有什么想法 And?
很感人的励志片 I found it heartwarming and life- affirming.
说得好 这部电影超赞啊 Thank you! How great is that show?
真的很棒 It is. It's great, yeah.
那哥们儿天生就是个艺术家 You know, he's got like an artist inside himself,
但客观条件限制 but he's in this working class place
他身边的人都不理解他 and no one understands him.
他就是...从舞蹈中展现真我 He's just like... I'm gonna express myself in my dance.
然后他展现了自我 And he expresses himself...
而且他并不想使用暴力 And he doesn't wanna use violence,
只不过把暴力的那种野性融入到舞蹈之中 but he puts his violence into his dance.
你也该试试 You should try that.
好吧 闲扯够了 回到正题 Okay. So, we gotta get down to business. Enough chit- chat.
有人雇我杀了你 I'm being paid to kill you.
买一赠一 我免费折磨你一下吧 But I'm gonna torture you for free.
开玩笑吧 Are you serious?
你去哪搞到这些古董的 Where'd you get those relics?
伊朗国王的旧货抛售吗 From the Shah of Iran's garage sale?
你就扯吧 Yeah, right.
我知道没有什么比 I mean, I know there's nothing more annoying
一个折磨别人的上刑者更可怕 不过拜托 than a backseat torturer, but, please, come on.
这些玩意很顺手 This is great stuff.
才不顺手呢 简直就是七十年代的东西 It's not great stuff. That's like 1972, hello.
等你被这玩意爆菊以后就不会这么健谈了 You won't be talking so much smack with this up your butt.
菊花伞 我承认那是个好东西 That's the Anal Umbrella. It's a good device, I grant you,
不过怎么没有防溅装置呢 but where's the splash guard?
爆了我的菊会溅你一衣服屎的 You're going to kill me and your white shirt.
买这玩意的时候没有送什么防溅装置 It didn't come with a splash guard.
裤子上也会被波及的 You're gonna get chara on your trousers.
确实有一个用来安装防溅装置的螺孔 I can see it has a screw hole for one.
好吧我承认没用过这个 Apparently, I didn't get it.
这样吧 博学家 All right, Mr. Smart Guy,
看看这个牛逼玩意儿吧 check out this bad boy.
一点儿不牛逼 坎大哈老二钳而已 Oh, that's not bad. The Kandahar Cock Wrench.
这你也知道 Okay, so, now we're getting somewhere.
这玩意早就因为没威力被阿拉伯给禁了 It's actually been banned in Saudi Arabia for being too safe.
太让人失望了 You know, this is totally depressing.
再给我看一个吧 Listen, just show me another one.
说实话 You know, honestly,
我也不想再丢人现眼了 I don't even want to show you anything anymore.
别这样嘛 Don't be like that.
我感觉你压根就不想被折磨 You know, I don't even think you want to be tortured.
当然不希望 I don't want to be tortured.
你把这过程弄得索然无趣 You're just, like, taking all the fun out of it!
你就想让我一个劲地恭维你 You just want me to say compliments all the time.
你到底想听老实话还是恭维话 So either you want the truth or you want compliments.
决定吧 Decide!
只要我这些工具 It'd be nice if I got just a
能得到些积极的反馈就行了 little bit of positive feedback about my tools.
你还有什么 What else you got?
我会喜欢下一个的 I'm gonna love the next thing!
我会支持你 I will be supportive.
好吧 All right.
就这个 能向你喷火 Just this. This pours hot fire out on you.
费卢杰灭火器 Oh, the Fallujah Firehose!
费卢杰 伊拉克西部城市
叙利亚也有这种东西 Someone's got a friend in Syria!
我以它为荣 I am pretty proud of it.
有新型号了 There is a new model, you know.
我的那个能用蓝牙控制 I've got one that works by Bluetooth.
去他的 去他的 去他的 Screw it. Screw it! Screw it!
我准备享受这个了 I'm going to enjoy this now.
别 不要 No, don't. Don't. Don't.
求你了 不要 Please, don't!
没有这个 谁也不会认识这张脸 No one will recognize the body without this!
我的极品美髯 The Supreme Beard!
你会受诅咒的 You will be cursed!
别 别那么做 No, no, don't do it!
怎么点不着 Come on! Why won't this catch?
你这个蠢货 You foolish man!
俗世烟火怎么能点着... There is no earthly fire that could ever light...
正义的火焰烧毁了不公 The flames of the righteous attack the unjust!
我去找人帮忙 逗你玩儿 I'll be back with help! J. K.! Just kidding!
我的演说 My speech.
普通的美国消费者 Yo! Average American shopper!
我身上没带钱 I do not have any money on me,
不过要是你肯把衣服给我的话 but if you give me your clothes,
我会以你的名义 I'll make a sizeable donation
给基地组织捐一大笔钱 in your name to al- Qaeda.
联合国
去 去 阿拉丁滚出去 Hey, hey, oh, oh! Aladeen has got to go!
你好 我是阿拉丁元帅 Hello. I am Admiral General Aladeen.
我要到联合国发表演说 I am here to deliver my speech to the United Nations.
将军 这大热天的没空听你忽悠 Look, Admiral, it's too hot for crazy.
胆大包天 How dare you?
听着 塔米尔马上就到 Listen, Tamir is coming right now.
你要有大麻烦了 You're going to be in big trouble.
他来了 Here he is.
塔米尔 塔米尔 Tamir! Tamir!
塔米尔 是你干的 老狐狸 Tamir, it was you, you snake!
他不是合法领导人 He's not the legitimate leader!
我给你准备的演说稿你练习了吗 You have rehearsed the speech I prepared for you?
练了 但是将军什么时候到 Yes. But when is the General coming?
他不舒服 He's feeling ill.
他是不是肚子里有蛔虫了 Does he have worms in his shilshul?
很有可能 Very possibly.
阿拉丁元帅准备 Admiral General Aladeen preparing to address
阿拉丁元帅联合国演说
在联合国大会上发表演说 the General Assembly of the United Nations
这是个历史性的时刻 at the historic moment.
他正走向讲台 He's approaching the podium.
他走过了讲台 And he's walked right past the podium.
他在做什么 What is he doing?
我的脸都被你丢光了 You are making a fool out of me!
我们请出驻联合国记者丹尼斯 Let's bring in Denise, our U. N. Correspondent.
你对此有什么看法 What do you make of that?
好的 我不得不说 Well, I have to say,
他引起了他们的注意 he's got their attention.
现场所有人的目光都聚集在他身上 Every eye in the room is on him right now.
他返回了讲台 And he's returning to the podium.
他摔到了台下 And he's fallen off the stage.
你对此怎么看 丹尼斯 What do you make of that, Denise?
很明显他在暗示 You know, he's clearly implying
联合国将在他面前倒下 that the U.N. must fall before him.
直接从大水罐里喝水 Drinking from the pitcher of water directly,
却不用杯子 as opposed to the glass
那里肯定有杯子 that I'm sure must be up there.
你觉得这意味着什么 What do you think that means?
他又一次试图表达 Again, it's another attempt to say,
听着 我可没打算按你们的规矩来 "Listen, I'm not going to play by your rules."
看起来他拿了一大罐尿 And he seems to have a pitcher of urine out.
我相信这是他刚刚尿在罐子里的 I believe he just urinated in the pitcher.
他在喝尿 He is now drinking his urine.
看起来是他自己的尿 It looks to be his own urine.
不好意思 你要吗 Sorry. You want?
他试图强迫以色列代表团 Trying to force it on the Israeli delegation.
那个应该是大使 That might be the ambassador.
他将尿液洒向以色列代表团 He is dumping the urine on the Israeli delegation.
这招不错 Oh, that's a good one.
好了 他转身走向讲台 Okay, he's returning to the podium.
我们这些国家之间充满了敌意 Much has been made of the hostility between our countries.
我将在联活罗的帮助下[应为联合国] With the help of the U.M.,
为瓦迪亚起草新的宪法 I will draft a new constitution for Wadiya
并将在五天之后 and sign it in five days,
瓦迪亚独立日签署 on Wadiya's Independence Day.
不 不 不 No, no, no.
新宪法 This new constitution
将结束专制 will end the dictatorship
不 No!
并将带领瓦迪亚走上 and it will turn Wadiya into a
民主之路 democracy.
不 民主 绝不可能 No! Democracy? Never!
绝不 Never!
瓦迪亚的人民喜欢被压迫 The Wadiyan people love being oppressed!
专制万岁 Dictatorship forever!
来 跟我来 Come on! Come with me!
快 Hurry!
你好 人民 人民 Hello, person. Person.
黑色的人民 Black person.
你找的这个替身很好 The double that you found is good.
几乎跟真身一样蠢 He is almost as dumb as the real guy.
瓦迪亚就会成为民主国家 So, Wadiya will become a democracy.
中国也是民主国家 China is a democracy, too.
一旦宪法签署完成 Once that constitution is signed,
我就能出售瓦迪亚的石油开采权 I will be able to sell Wadiya's oil rights.
俄罗斯天然气公司 Gazprom,
你们将会控制瓦迪亚南部的油田 you will have control of Wadiya's southern oil fields.
英国石油公司 你们控制北方 B. P., you will control the north.
美国大型石油公司
埃克森石油公司 Exxon,
只要你们不使用英国石油公司的钻探设备 you will have all offshore rights,
海上开采权就属于你们 provided you do not use B. P.'s drilling rigs.
而中国石油的劳先生 And, Mr. Lao of PetroChina,
你将获得页岩储备的租赁权 you will have the lease on our shale reserves.
页岩 一种沉积岩 可从中提取页岩油和页岩气
一些页岩储备区在人口稠密的地方 Some of those reserves are in densely populated areas.
那就把他们赶出去 Then unpopulate them.
当然 得先付给我30%的中介费 After you've paid me my 30% finder's fee, of course.
先生们 Gentlemen.
你会成为亿万富翁 So, you're going to make billions.
你会用这些钱干什么 What will you do with all those dollars?
我会把科莫湖边的房子买下来 I will buy the house on Lake Como
科莫湖 位于意大利
跟乔治·克鲁尼做邻居 next to George Clooney's.
乔治·克鲁尼 美国著名男演员
我爱乔治·克鲁尼 I love George Clooney!
他是个老派电影明星 He's an old- fashioned movie star.
他搅基吗 会舔我老二吗 He gay? He suck my dick?
不 那都是谣传 No, those are just rumors.
你是同性恋吗 Are you a homosexual?
不是 这更像一种权欲的自我满足 No, no, no, it's more of a power trip with me.
每个人都明码标价 Everybody has a price.
20万美元 Tommy Lee Jones
汤米·李·琼斯 美国男演员
汤米·李·琼斯的家伙 let me roll it in my fingers
就能在我手里滚来滚去 for two hundred grand!
我的天 太疯狂了 Oh, my gosh, that was so crazy!
很荣幸我能帮你 I am so honored to be able to help you.
终于有人知道我是谁了 Finally, somebody who knows who I am.
是的 当然 Yeah, of course!
你是瓦迪亚的反对派 You're the Wadiyan dissident
勇敢地反抗混蛋阿拉丁 who was standing up to that asshole Aladeen.
你太勇敢了 It was so brave of you.
我叫佐伊 My name is Zoey.
关我什么事 I don't care.
你叫什么 What's yours?
我叫阿拉...森 My name is Ala... son.
艾利森? Allison?
对 艾利森. Right. Allison.
你姓什么 What's your last name?
哈记汉堡
伯格斯 Burgers.
很高兴认识你 Nice to meet you,
艾利森·伯格斯 Allison Burgers.
你知道 我... You know, I...
艾利森 Allison,
麻烦你把手从我胸前拿开 could you please take your hands off my breasts?
那是你的胸 Those are breasts?
我以为你是男的 I thought you were a boy.
你要把我带到哪里 Where are you taking me to?
布鲁克林 To Brooklyn!
布鲁克林 美国纽约西南部的一个区
好了 这是我的店 So, yeah, this is my store!
这里是自由地球团 This is the Free Earth Collective.
我们是主张素食和男女平等的 We are a vegan, feminist,
非营利性合作社 non- profit cooperative
在反种族主义和反压迫的框架下运行 operating within an anti- racist, anti- oppressive framework
为了所有人民 不分性别 for people of all or no genders.
我们是纯粹的民主 We are a pure democracy,
瓦迪亚很快也会变成这样 just like Wadiya's going to be soon!
给我些衣服 小男人 Get me clothes, little man.
那个 Oh, you know what,
地震救济箱里有衣服 there's some in the Earthquake Relief box
在女同性恋浴室 in the lesbian bathroom,
在那儿 right there.
好的 Right.
艾利森 So, Allison,
我们是纽约唯一一家 we're the only store in New York,
出售你们国家特产水果刺果的商店 other than that fascist super chain Green World,
除了那个法西斯式的超级连锁店 that sells your nation's specialty fruit,
绿色世界 mafroom,
我知道你们爱吃刺果 which I know you people eat a lot of.
希望那不会成为一种固定的文化模式 Oh, I hope that didn't come off like a cultural stereotype.
因为我绝对不是个种族主义者 Because I'm, like, the furthest thing from a racist.
高中开始我的男朋友 I pretty much haven't had a white boyfriend
就基本上都不是白种人了 since high school.
是啊 有色人种都不怎么挑剔 Well, the darker races are less choosy.
这话听起来有些无礼 Okay, that came off as kind of offensive.
多谢夸奖 Thank you.
好吧 我带你参观一下吧 Anyway, let me give you the grand tour.
楼顶有一个神奇的有机花园... Up on the roof, we have this amazing organic garden...
无聊 你们卖冲锋枪吗 Boring! Do you sell any assault rifles?
等等 我知道了 Oh, wait. I got it.
幽默 对吗 Humor. Right?
我参加过女权主义小丑讲习班 I took a feminist clown workshop once.
救命 救命 Help! Help!
我困在玻璃屋顶下面了 I'm trapped under a glass ceiling!
玻璃屋顶 比喻女性在工作晋升中遇到的无形障碍
什么玩意儿 What the fuck?
我学得不是很好 但是... I wasn't the best student, but...
地下室有个健康中心 We've got this wellness center downstairs in the basement,
我们在那里做水下分娩 where we do water birth.
你见过水下分娩吗 Have you ever seen a water birth?
没见过水下分娩 Not a water birth,
只见过水下死亡 but I've seen a water death.
很感动吗 Wow. Was it moving?
其实不怎么动 There was actually very little movement.
稍微扭几下 冒两个泡泡 A little wriggling, then two bubbles,
然后一阵咕噜咕噜 and then a big bloop
钱包就浮上来了 and the wallet floats up.
你看着像受过教育的 You seem educated.
是啊 我上的阿默斯特学院 Yes. I went to Amherst.
阿默斯特学院 美国著名私立文科学院
我喜欢女人上学 I love it when women go to school.
就像欣赏穿轮滑鞋的猴子 It's like seeing a monkey on roller skates.
对它们来说没什么 It means nothing to them,
我们却觉得太可爱了 but it's so adorable for us.
好了 艾利森 Okay. Well, hey, Allison,
只要你愿意 you know, we'd love to have you work here
欢迎来这里工作 if you ever wanted to.
我们所有的雇员都跟你一样 All of our employees are political refugees,
是政治难民 just like you!
这是汉娜 There's Hannah over here.
她来自萨尔瓦多 She's from El Salvador.
萨尔瓦多 中美洲国家
是我们团队中非常能干的成员 She's a really useful member of our team.
能干什么 当衣架 Useful as what? A coat hanger?
是吧 Come on.
艾利森 这不好笑 Allison, that's not funny.
好的 我跟你说 Okay. I tell you what,
回去干活儿 铁钩船长 get back to work, Captain Hook!
铁钩船长 小说中人物 左手是一个铁钩
铁钩船长 真好笑 "Captain Hook." It's funny.
不 这不好笑 No, it's not funny.
那是谁 Who's that?
这是约特弗 Oh, this is Joteph.
他来自苏丹部族 He's from a Sudanese tribe
苏丹 非洲国家
那里没有钱的概念 that has no concept of money.
他的村子被洗劫一空 His entire village was ransacked.
南撒哈拉人 Hey, Sub- Saharan!
撒哈拉 沙漠地区 位于非洲
你能不能在下午五点之前 Do you think you could
给我找来100个童子军 get me 100 child soldiers here by 5:00 PM?
不能 No!
好了 时间到 Okay. Time out! Time out.
刮刮你的腋毛 Shave your under- the- arms!
真不敢想象你下面会是怎样的杂草丛生啊 I dread to think what kind of jungle you have on your malawach!
这样说话太不恰当了 That is very inappropriate.
别告诉我该说什么 Don't tell me what to say
不该说什么 小子 and what not to say, little boy.
把你的手指拿开 You need to put that finger away.
我不把手指拿开是因为 I won't put my finger away because
看吧 现在我有两根手指了 Look, I've got two fingers now.
好吧 Okay.
如果你不停止对我们恶言相向 If you do not stop using hateful language,
就不能在这里工作 you cannot work here.
好吧 我保证 All right. I promise.
好 Okay.
骗你的 你个金刚兰 I tricked you, Wolverina.
应为金刚狼 电影中人物
肥胖版贾斯汀·比伯 Justin Bieber's chubby double!
贾斯汀·比伯 著名少年歌手
毛利·波特 Hairy Potter!
应为哈利·波特 著名小说人物
女王仓库大火中发现烧焦尸体
再见了 老朋友 Good- bye, old friend.
最高领袖什么时候能康复 When will the Supreme Leader be better?
到时候就好了 In time.
他在自己卧室休息 He's resting in his bedroom
决不允许被打扰 and must never, ever be disturbed.
睡觉了 Time for bed.
作为阿拉丁是有特权的 Being Aladeen has its perks,
不是吗 does it not?
你腰带掉了 Dropped your belt.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
她要给我喂奶 She tried to milk me!
不 No.
她们要让你高兴 They are trying to pleasure you.
请允许这些姑娘施展她们的才能吧 Allow the girls to use their many talents.
不 No!
最高领袖 是姑娘们 Supreme Leader! The girls!
姑娘们 亮出你们的美胸 Girls, show him your bosoms.
兰卡斯特酒店
让我进去 Let me in!
我在这家酒店有85个房间 I have 85 rooms at this hotel!
是我 阿拉丁元帅 It's me, Admiral General Aladeen!
我的胡子没了 I lost my beard!
你没有通行证 不能进去 You don't got a pass, you don't get in.
但我住在这儿 But I'm staying here!
为上互联网我他妈的花了20美元 I paid twenty dollars for the fucking Internet!
暗杀行动收费多少 How much do you charge for assassinations?
为什么这一切要发生在我身上 Why is this happening to me?
我所做的 All I ever did
不过是窃取国家财富 was steal my country's wealth
处死所有不赞同我的人 and execute anybody who did not agree with me,
和很多赞同我的人而已 and many who did.
为什么是我 Why me?
为什么总是好人倒霉 为什么 Why is it always the good guys? Why?
纳达尔 Nadal?
马西大街站 小瓦迪亚
欢迎来到阿拉丁去死餐厅 Welcome to the Death to Aladeen Restaurant.
等一下 你看起来很眼熟 Wait. You look very familiar.
我认识你吗 Do I know you?
对不起 Sorry.
真对不起 最高领袖 So sorry, Supreme Leader.
别担心 我也有一半责任 Don't worry. I'm 50% to blame.
不 不 最高领袖 No! No! Supreme Leader!
绝对不认识 我得走了 Definitely not. I must be going.
不 不 请坐 No, no. Stay, please.
如果你恨阿拉丁又爱美食 If you hate Aladeen and you like good food,
你就来对地方了 this is the place for you.
这边请 请吧 This way. Here we go.
享用吧 Enjoy it.
不 不 No! No!
请坐 For you.
你叫什么 What is your name?
艾利森·伯格斯 Allison Burgers.
这是个假名字 That's a made- up name.
你真名叫什么 What's your real name?
吕 Ladis.
吕什么 Ladis what?
吕侧索 Ladis Washerum.
女厕所
这么说你的名字就像那个标牌 So your name is like the sign.
女厕所 "Ladies Washroom"?
假名字 That is a made- up name.
你真名叫什么 What is your real name?
我很感兴趣 I am interested.
我们都很感兴趣 We are interested.
兹元 Emploice.
兹元什么 Emploice what?
兹元...胥希寿 Emploice... Muswashans.
职员工作前须清洗双手
还是假名字 That is a made- up name.
好吧 Okay.
你的真名是什么 What is your real name?
最 Max.
最什么 Max what?
最铎布超120 Imumoccupancyu One- hundred- and- twenty.
最多容纳不超过120人
名字里还有个数字 There's a number in the name?
你是谁 Who are you?
阿拉丁的支持者 An Aladeen sympathizer?
不 不 不 No, no, no!
好吧 别 别 别 Okay. No, no, no!
不 No!
他是阿拉丁 It's Aladeen!
没有胡子的阿拉丁 It's Aladeen without the beard!
不 不是阿拉丁 No! It's not Aladeen!
哈桑 锁门 Hasan, lock the door!
等等 等等 别 Wait, wait, wait, no!
你在这里啊 表哥 There you are, cousin!
这是我表哥 This is my cousin.
你们已经见过面了 I see you've all met him.
他头脑简单跟不上趟 对不起了 He's very simple and backwards. I'm sorry.
- 对不起 - 没关系 坐吧 - Sorry. - It's okay, sit.
- 好的 - 坐下吃点 - Okay. - Sit and eat.
坐下 表哥 Have a seat, cousin.
实在对不起 Very sorry.
不好意思 请便吧 My apologies. Enjoy.
你到这儿来干什么 What are you doing here?
你的胡子怎么了 And what has happened to your beard?
我被一个蠢货替身取代了 I've been replaced by this body double who's a total imbecile.
你怎么还活着 How are you alive?
我怎么...等等 你不知道吗 How am I... Wait. You don't know?
不知道 No.
你处死的每一个人都活着 Every single person you had executed is still alive.
我们都住在小瓦迪亚 We all live here in Little Wadiya.
刽子手是抵抗组织的成员 The executioner, he is a member of the Resistance!
你是说我没处死任何人 You mean I never executed anybody?
对 No.
老实说 一个也没有 Like, honestly, zero people.
纳达尔 你得帮我夺回政权 Nadal, you must help me get back into power.
什么 不行 我为什么要帮你 What? No. Why would I do that?
我在这里有很好的工作 I have a perfectly good job here.
苹果专卖店技术人员
我是个苹果天才 I'm a Mac Genius!
你做什么工作 What do you do?
主要是清除笔记本电脑上的精液 Mostly, I clean semen out of laptops.
恭喜 享受你的美国梦 Congratulations. Living the American dream.
好吧 我会帮你 Okay, fine. I will help you.
有一个条件 On one condition.
说 Name it.
你要恢复我核研究带头人的地位 You reinstate me as Head of Nuclear Research,
这样我才能把炸弹做完 so I can finish building my bomb.
成交 Deal.
最后一件事 One last thing.
你得让我做一个圆形的核武器 You will let me build a round nuclear weapon.
不行 必须是尖的 Never. It must be pointy.
等会儿 这是... Wait a minute. This is...
好吧 各退一步 圆锥形 Okay, compromise. Conical.
- 圆形 - 乳头形 - Round. - Teat- shaped.
圆形 Round.
好 Okay.
好 成交 Okay. Deal.
成交 Deal.
联合国协助起草新宪法
新闻界的女士们先生们 Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
我们的最高领袖 our Supreme Leader
目前无法回答你们的提问 is indisposed to answer your questions
他正在起草瓦迪亚新宪法 as he is currently drafting Wadiya's new constitution,
计划于三天后 which is scheduled to be signed
在兰卡斯特酒店顶楼宴会厅签署 at the Lancaster Penthouse Ballroom in three days.
谢谢大家 没有问题了 Thank you. No further questions.
没有安全通行证 There is no way
我们不可能 we're going to get anywhere near this hotel
靠近酒店的任何地方 without a security pass.
太荒唐了 This is ridiculous.
等会儿 Wait.
你在干嘛 What are you doing?
不能让那个侏儒女同性恋看见我 Hiding from that lesbian hobbit.
你认识那女人吗 That woman, you know her?
小店真是蓬荜生辉 I cannot begin to tell you what an honor it is
能有幸承办这次签字仪式的... to be able to provide all of the catering...
那是当然 Well, of course.
酒席餐饮 and the mafroom for this signing.
这下不愁没饭吃了 You just paid this month's rent!
她给我份工作 She offered me a job.
真不可思议 我居然要工作 Can you imagine that? Me? Working?
听着 徽章别丢了 Listen, hold onto that badge.
只有它能让你通过安检 It's the only thing that'll get you past security.
多谢 Okay, thanks.
等下 Wait a minute.
稍等 她的公司承办此事 Wait, her company is catering the event.
她能过安保 She has a security pass!
知道办法了 就这么办 That is the answer. This is the plan.
你要接受这工作 替她干活 Okay? You will take that job and you will work for her.
我给你找一样的胡子和衣服 I will get you an identical beard and costume.
之后在活动当天 And then on the day of the event,
你作为员工进到兰卡斯特里 you enter the Lancaster as a member of her staff.
找到你的替身 换回来 You will find the double, switch with him,
当着全世界撕毁宪法 then rip up the constitution in front of the whole world.
我 给那长毛小蹄子工作 Me? Work for that hairy titted yeti?
金伯利 Kimberly?
佐伊 Zoey.
无所谓 Who cares?
我来为之前所做的 I've come here to apologize
对虎克船长和黑哥们的评论 about some of the comments I may have made about
道歉 Captain Hook and Blackie.
太好了 Great!
我作为总经理接受你的工作请求 And I accept your job offer as general manager.
你不可能是经理 因为我才是 Well, you can't be the manager, because I am the manager.
我杀了你就行了 Well, I can if I killed you.
我好像能找到你笑点了 I think I'm starting to get you.
好的 那么 我也能 All right, then... I will get you.
好 开始工作吧 Great! Let's get you to work!
什么 等下 Yeah? Hold on one second.
伙计 劳驾 头套哥 Hey, my man! Excuse me. Hairnet!
请给我点藜麦沙拉 I need a little of the quinoa salad, please,
要是可以的话 再撒点谷物上去 and throw a couple of extra cranny- b's on top, if you could,
厨子 我要你稍微快点 赶紧的 and I kind of need you to hurry up, chief. Chop- chop.
下一个 Next!
已有人了 Whoa, whoa! Occupied!
出去 我得打扫 来吧 出去 出去 Out. I have to clean. Come on, out you go, out you go.
- 什么 你轻点行吗 - 出去 快点 - What? You're hurting me! - Out. Come on.
你好 艾利森 Hey, Allison,
你能把垃圾清一下吗 多谢 can you take out the garbage? Thanks.
看 有个顾客留了些脱毛膏和女性剃毛刀 Look! One of the customers left a tip of
做小费 有人想用吗 some Nair and some female razors. Does anybody want to use it?
别手贱 Stop that.
怕你啊 孙子 Suck it, loser.
把四号走廊打扫干净 Clean- up on aisle four!
兄弟 我全看见了 Hey, buddy, I saw that.
这是对你领导的极度不敬 That is very disrespectful to your leader.
随便吧 兄弟 你是谁 Whatever, dude. Who are you,
本·拉登的亲密战友吗 Osama bin Laden's best friend?
这倒谈不上 No, he is not my best friend!
不过他替身去年被射死后 Though he has been staying in my guest house
他倒是一直住在我客房里 ever since they shot his double last year.
现在那家伙不肯走 Now the guy won't leave.
我算知道这家伙为什么最遭人恨了 I know why this guy's the most hated man in the world.
你只用跟着他去浴室 You just have to go to the bathroom after him.
你跟着奥萨马去浴室 You go to the bathroom after Osama,
就会体会到真正的恐怖主义 you will realize the true meaning of terrorism.
找到探查兰卡 斯特的办法了
高谭市直升机之旅
计划是这样的 Here is the plan.
我们来个直升飞机旅行 We're going to take this helicopter tour
飞越兰卡斯特找到它的弱点 and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses.
记着 我们只是两个看风景的 Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists
普通美国游客 looking at the sights.
别担心 没人会起疑心的 Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything.
真是好计划 尖尖 It's a great plan, pointy.
别露出任何马脚来 Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions.
别担心 我可是瓦迪亚最棒的演员 Don't worry. I am Wadiya's number one actor.
金球奖 美国的一个电影与电视奖项
四届瓦迪亚金球奖可不是白拿的 You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.
但你是 因为你给自己发奖 Yes, you do, because you gave them to yourself!
应该是著名电影《夺宝奇兵2:魔域奇兵》 主角是印第安纳·琼斯
我在电影《夺宝奇兵阿拉丁》里的表演 My performance in Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom
出神入化 was outstanding.
我对它很鄙视 I give it thumbs down.
应该是You've Got Mail《电子情书》汤姆·汉克斯主演电影
你看过《电子情书炸弹》了吗 Have you seen You've Got Mail Bomb?
是 我全看过了 都是烂片 Yes, I've seen them all! They're all terrible movies!
听我说 好吗 Listen to me. Okay?
你是个糟糕的演员 You are a terrible actor.
现在我要求你 动作小点 自然点 I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real.
好吧 你能给我个斗篷吗 All right, can you get me a cloak?
为什么 Why?
因为我想我应该穿着斗篷 Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak.
不 你穿着美国国旗 No, your guy wears an
运动服 带着警徽 American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.
那我要警徽 I need the sheriff's badge.
有这必要吗 For what?
你就是美国二逼镇镇长 You're sheriff of American douche- town!
太没礼貌了 That's rude.
听 Listen.
我们要穿过这儿 表现得非常普通 We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous.
- 好的 没问题 - 成败在此一举 - Okay. No problem. - This has to work.
不用担心 只要放松就好 Don't worry. Just relax.
你还好吗 Are you okay?
我觉着得一瘸一拐的 My guy has a limp.
伦敦酒吧 以里面Down at the old Bull and Bush这首歌闻名
因为我在老公牛布什酒吧落马了 I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub
谁让我是伦敦人呢 because I am a cockney.
听我说 好吗 Listen! Listen, okay?
你现在要集中注意 准备好 You need to focus up right now and be prepared
只需要少许加点表演成分 to deliver a small, subtle performance.
- 好的 太好了 好的 - 好的 很好 - Okay, great, okay. - Okay, good.
好的 所以 当我们飞到... Okay. So, when we go to fly...
别这么挤你眼睛 Don't do that with your eyes!
这件事上你不能像个中国人一样 好吗 You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?
观念上觉着中国人眼睛小 Chink本意为小缝隙 是对中国人的蔑称
我不是中国佬 我是美籍华人 I'm not chink, I'm Chinese- American!
是 但你别挤你眼睛啊 No, but you cannot hold your eyes!
你再挤眼睛也挤不成 Nobody is going to think you're Chinese- American
美籍华人那样啊 because you hold your eyes like that!
你这是种族歧视 It's racist, what you are doing!
你知道事实上他们不能发R音吗 Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's?
他们发成L音 They pronounce them as L's.
所以你知道中文兔子怎么说吗 So instead you know what "Rabbit" is in Chinese?
我不会说中文 I don't know how to speak Chinese.
- 是兔纸 - 谁告诉你的 - It's "Labbit." - It's not "Labbit"!
好样的 任何射中兔纸罗杰的人都会对中国是巨大打击 Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit was a huge hit in China!
兔子罗杰 一部卡通动画片
没人 这是 Nobody... It's stup...
好吧 我不在乎 这好蠢 好吗 All right, I don't care. This is stupid, okay?
好的 那我就学菲律宾人 Okay, I'll do Filipino.
工作好喜欢啦 说话好喜欢啦 I like to work, I like to talk.
- 不 - 大便我的爱 小孩我的菜啦 - Don't. - I like the shit, I do the kids.
停 Stop that.
你的菲律宾语怎么跟中文一个样 Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!
现在是谁种族歧视啊 Now who's being a lacist?
- 你现在就是种族歧视 - 我没有 - You're being lacist now. - I'm not being racist!
现在我们得上直升飞机 Right now we have to get on this helicopter
表现得像个真正的美国人 and we have to act like true Americans.
我想你不要我扮演黑人 I guess you don't want me to play black then.
当然我不要你扮演黑人 Of course I don't want you to play black.
那就不提这个了 Okay. Just throwing it out there.
好的 不 Okay. Don't.
好的 别那么做 Okay, don't do that.
我知道你在干嘛 I see what you're doing.
他们就是这么走路的 That's how they walk.
我知道你在干嘛 很蠢 I see what you're doing, it's not cool.
他们就是这么走路的 It's how they walk.
我喜欢当美国人 I love being an Americans!
美国至上 America is number one!
我来自美国 Oh, I am from U.S.A.!
我爸爸也来自美国 My father also from U.S.A.
应该是Civil War 伊斯兰教里把War叫Jihad圣战
我曾祖父参加了美国圣战 My great- grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad.
我很荣幸作为美国人 I am very proud to be an American.
我是美国头号笨蛋 I am America's number one douche.
我把他们骗了 任务完成 I've fooled them. Job done.
所以 宫里怎么样了 So, how are things back at the Palace?
很好 猜猜谁还住在我的客房里 Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?
本·拉登吗 Ooh, Bin Laden?
是 奥萨马 Yes, Osama.
本·拉登每次洗澡都要把浴室淹了 Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers...
把浴垫放下来就那么难么 And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden?
你记得我最喜欢的跑车吗 Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?
你是说你的保时捷 You mean your Porsche?
保时捷911 高端跑车
是 911 Yes... the 911.
911 最棒了 911, it's the best!
所以我每天开着911在宫殿附近 So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day...
然后撞得稀巴烂 and I totally crashed!
没什么 我已经定了辆新的 It's ok, I've already ordered a new one.
全新的9112012 A brand new 9112012.
当你在这儿时 You know, while you are here,
你该试着看些风景 you should try to see some of the sights...
比如帝国大厦 such as the Empire State Building...
洋基球场 and Yankee Stadium.
我想看自由女神上的烟花 And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty.
你后背的伤还难受不 Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?
它一直很糟 Oh, it's been terrible!
糟透了以至于我给自己弄了个腰部护具 It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.
- 真的 - 是 看 我还穿着呢 - Really? - Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.
我的英语越来越好了 Hey, my English is getting good...
我打赌我从五数下来比你快 I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!
五 四 三 二 一 Five, four, three, two, one!
艾利森 你还好吗 Allison! Are you okay?
我 还行 I... Yes.
知道吗 你们这帮人让我恶心死了 You know what? You people, you make me sick!
在飞机上看到个中东人 You see a Middle Easterner on an aircraft
就觉得他在酝酿某些恐怖事件 and you just assume that he's hatching some violent plot?
艾利森·伯格斯是受迫害的异见人士 Allison Burgers is a persecuted dissident,
不是杀人狂 not a murderous madman!
报案者称 他说 He was reported saying,
把兰卡斯特的警卫都请干掉吧 "Let's take out the guards at the Lancaster."
真巧啊 我们是往兰卡斯特送餐的 Guess what? We deliver to the Lancaster!
棒 Good one!
也许他要带保安们出去吃沙拉三明治 Maybe he wanted to take the guards out for a falafel!
那有点老套 That's a bit of a stereotype,
但我懂 好主意 你 but I get the idea. Great idea! Yeah. You...
知道吗 关心你的工作是种犯罪 You know what? Is it a crime to care about your job?
在瓦迪亚是这样 Yeah! Well, it is in Wadiya.
你在哪儿做的联想和敏感性训练 Where did you get your diversity and sensitivity training, huh?
斯塔西吗 The Stasi?
斯塔西 德意志民主共和国国家安全部 前东德的政治警察及情治机关
白人同胞谴责你 Let's see how you feel
你对歧视性种族评判作何感想 about racial profiling when white people...
我知道我在说什么 And I know what I'm talking about
因为我主修的是女性文学 because I majored in Fem Lit!
来吧 Come on.
你在干嘛 从哪来的 Hey! What are you doing? Where are you going?
别担心 Don't worry!
抱他们大腿你就没事了 Just suck the fatfoot of the biggest guy, you'll be fine.
你真的在折磨我 兄弟 You're really fucking me here, man!
这里的警察真法西斯主义 The police here are such fascists!
是啊 还不是在好的方面 Yeah, right, and not in a good way.
它搞得我很火大 It just makes me so mad!
佐伊 你在那儿表现得很棒 You know, Zoey, you were great back there.
谢谢 我只是 Thanks. I just...
我不知道 我只觉得很抱歉 I don't know, I just feel so sorry
不管你去什么地方 that wherever you go in the world,
总是政治虐待的受害者 you're the victim of police abuse.
也不总是受害者啦 Well, not always the victim.
过来 我只是很抱歉 你现在没事了 Come here. I'm just so sorry! You're okay now.
好吗 All right?
我不会让你有事的 And I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.
我觉着 我们回归集体去吧 好吗 You know what? Let's get you back to the collective, okay?
来吧 Come on.
不 再抱一下 No, a bit more.
好的 Okay.
- 好了 我们走 得去工作了 - 我觉得好难过 - Come on, let's go. I need to go to work. - I feel so sad!
再抱一次 行不 Let's do another hug, okay?
艾利森 你为什么难过 Allison, why are you sad?
审讯太残忍 The brutality?
你被性虐了吗 Did you suffer from sexual abuse?
对 他们很不专业地强奸了我 Yes, they raped me in a very unprofessional way.
不 我们得让你去强奸中心 Oh, no. We have to get you to the Rape Center.
你们这儿还有个强奸中心 You have a center for rape here?
太好了 我想去 Great! I'd love to go!
也许下次 你懂的 Maybe another time, you know.
租个豪华轿车 喝点鸡尾酒 带上我的强奸鞋 Hire a limo, have some cocktails, bring my raping shoes.
兰卡斯特酒店
你能给我弄一只吗 Can you get me that one?
哪只 Which one?
写着"快来干我啊"那只 The one with the "Fuck- me hooves."
你真怪 我现在要去换个频道 You're bizzare. I'm going to have to change the channels now.
今天早些时候一对俄亥俄州夫妇的地狱之旅 Tour from hell for an Ohio couple earlier today when,
充满911的阴影 with shades of 911,
他们的曼哈顿天际线直升飞机旅行被 their helicopter tour of the Manhattan skyline was cut short
警方现称的"恐怖主义误会"打断了 by what police are now calling a "Terrorism misunderstanding"
一名叫艾莫·金克耶柯西顿利的男子涉嫌其中 involving a man named Emer Gencyexitonly.
原为 EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY 紧急出口
艾特拉 Etra.
我们有麻烦了 We have a problem.
汉娜 那个从兰卡斯特来的家伙明早到 Hannah, that guy from the Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning,
你把吃的带到楼下 so why don't you take the mafroom downstairs
做个美食展示吧 and make some sort of a nice display?
我只想要一切完美无缺 I just want everything to be perfect.
佐伊 Zoey?
艾利森 怎么啦 Allison. Hi.
为了感谢你今天在警察局的义举 To thank you for what you did today at the police station,
我决定授予你个奖励 I have decided to bestow upon you a gift.
好贴心 是什么 That's sweet. What is it?
我不知道那是什么 I don't know what that is.
没什么 请狼吞虎咽我的小老鼠吧 It's fine. Please, gobble up my little mouse.
我的小葡萄干很美味哟 Snack on my tiny raisin.
让她接受你津液的洗礼吧 Give her a mouth bath. Go.
不 Oh! No!
不 我不会那么做 No, I am not going to do that.
我有很多这个 没有很多这个 I'm getting a lot of this and not much of this...
听着 我懂你有需求 好吗 Listen, I understand that you're having urges, okay?
好的 Right.
但你得自己解决 But you need to take care of them by yourself.
我自己 什么 怎么做 Myself? What? How?
你得自摸 You need to touch yourself.
我不自摸 你会自摸吗 I don't touch myself. Do you touch yourself?
我想多数健康的人都会 是的 I think most healthy people do, yes.
你也玩自摸啊 真恶心 Yeah, you touch your own malawach? Disgusting! Yuck!
别开玩笑了 好吗 你从没打过飞机 Stop joking, all right? You've never jerked off?
好吧 跟我来 Okay, come with me.
你要带我去哪儿 强奸中心 Where are you taking me to? The Rape Center?
这真蠢 This is silly.
好吧 Okay...
拿出你的小弟弟来放在手里 Take your penis out and put it in your hands.
这好蠢 This is silly.
现在 手慢慢上下移动 Now, slowly move your hand up and down.
好的 Okay.
我跟你说了 这 I told you already, this is...
等等 Wait.
这是什么魔法 What sorcery is this?
有人等待一生 Some people wait a lifetime
只为此刻 For a moment like this
有人等待一生 Some people wait a lifetime
只为此刻 For a moment like this
难以置信它竟降临我身 Whoa, I can't believe it's happening to me
有人等待一生 Some people wait a lifetime
只为此刻 For a moment like this
NBA状元格里芬2011年扣篮大赛
此幕为阿甘正传
难以置信它竟降临我身 I can't believe it's happening to me
我做到了 我打了一次完整的飞机 I did it! I just jerked it completely off!
全靠自己 I did it all by myself!
用这只手 With this hand right here!
抓着我的蛋蛋就像勒死一只鸟一样 I grabbed my bilbul like I was strangling a bird.
一直撸啊撸啊 然后就射出来了 And I smacked it and I smacked it and I gave it a flick,
射出我自己的精液 and out came my own labeneh!
佐伊 Zoey?
佐伊 你改变了我的人生 Zoey! You have changed my life!
给男人个阴道他会受用一整天 Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day.
教一个男人像阴道一样用他的手 Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina,
他会受用一辈子 and he will shpichs for a lifetime.
不 不 谢谢 Oh. No, no. Thank you.
艾利森 你可能得小声点因为 Allison, you may need to keep your voice down because...
我们有很多顾客 你可能需要洗一下 We've got a lot of customers. You may want to go wash up.
好的 Fine.
约特弗 用水冲下我的卡路驰 Joteph, go and hose down my Crocs.
卡骆驰 以舒适 活泼和创意着称的休闲鞋品牌
我在健康中心射得到处都是 I've done my labeneh all over the wellness center.
好的 Okay.
来自兰卡斯特的那家伙会喜欢这个的 The guy from the Lancaster is going to love this.
好的 Okay.
晚安 艾利森 Good night, Allison.
明早见 I'll see you tomorrow morning.
晚安 再次感谢 Good night! Thank you again.
这很好 很可爱 This is nice. Or lovely.
- 他是谁 - 纳达尔 - Who is it? - Nadal.
你在干嘛 What are you doing?
我发现了这个奇妙的事 I've discovered this amazing thing.
我得教你怎么做 I have to show you how to do it.
它叫自慰 It's called self juicing.
把你的手放在小弟弟上然后摩擦 You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it,
然后你就会达到自己的高潮 and then you can make your own labeneh come out.
不用送什么劳力士 You don't have to spend any Rolexes.
不用给什么肮脏的钻石 You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.
我居然跟一个成年人谈这个 I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.
什么意思 你知道这个 What do you mean? You knew about this?
谁不知道呢 Everybody knows about this.
我们都在12 13岁就知道了 We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.
为什么从未有人告诉我呢 Why does nobody ever tell me anything?
因为所有敢谏言的人都被你处决了 Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.
听着 我打算把我真实的身份 Listen, I'm thinking of revealing my true identity
告诉那个浓毛小蹄子 to the hairy titted ape woman.
不 什么 你为什么要那么做 Whoa! No, what? Why would you even do that?
我觉得她不会在意 I think she'll be cool with it.
她会在意的 She will not be cool with it.
她怎么会挑剔呢 她一年才刮一次毛 How is she to judge? She shaves her armpits once a year,
而且谈的男友都是其他族群的 and she takes lovers outside of her ethnic group.
我的罪行比她的还严重吗 Are my crimes any worse than hers?
记住 你恨她 Remember, you hate her.
和她所代表的一切 And everything she stands for.
- 好吧 - 我现在得走了 - Okay. - I have to go now.
我鄙视你 I despise you.
有时候你会说些伤人的话 You know, sometimes you say some very hurtful things.
反正我要挂了 Anyway, I'm going to hang up on you.
别 这是我一次真正的机会 No, come on. This is like a real opportunity for me.
我要先挂 I want to hang up first.
我已经挂了 I've hung up. I hung up already.
这声音是你发出来的 That is your voice doing that noise.
你还没挂 You have not hung up.
我要挂了 咔... I am hanging up. Click...
纳达尔 你还在吗 Nadal, are you still there?
- 纳达尔 你还在吗 - 我赢了 - Nadal, are you still there? - I win.
怪不得你是苹果天才 No wonder you're a Mac Genius.
真傻逼 What a fucking idiot.
佐伊 Zoey!
佐伊 Zoey.
佐伊 Zoey?
艾特拉 Etra.
艾特拉 Etra...
艾特拉 你这么做是因为在整个守卫团中 Etra, is this because you're the only virgin guard
我唯独没帮你破处吗 that I left a virgin?
一 二 One, two...
冒泡 Bloop.
如教科书一般 Text book.
奥格登 先生 多谢你这么早会见我 Thank you so much for meeting me early, Mr. Ogden.
我都等不及你来抽查我们的刺果 I cannot wait for you to sample our mafroom.
我们店会让你感觉就像在瓦迪亚一样 You are gonna swear that you're in Wadiya.
抱歉 那是什么 Excuse me. What is that over there?
窗上贴的是C吗 That is a "C" In your window.
不 不 他们对这有偏见 No, no, no... They're totally biased against this.
他们恨我们 They hate us.
不是 我知道C意味着什么 No, it's not. I know what a "C" means.
是不太好的意思 It's not a very good...
天哪 Oh, my God!
艾利森 这是怎么回事 Allison, what happened?
我不知道 我... I don't know, I...
我在楼下打手枪 I was downstairs self juicing.
一整晚吗 All night?
对 Yes.
不好意思 你当时在做什么 I'm sorry, you were doing what?
在撸管 Doing the jerk off.
撸的很爽 Jerking myself to totally off.
- 神马 - 让我给你演示 - I'm sorry? - Let me show you.
- 不用 - 她教我的 - No. - She taught me.
她教你的 真的吗 Oh, she taught you, did she?
- 不是 - 好吧 非常感谢 - No. - Well, thank you very much.
合约取消了 The contract is canceled.
- 就这样 - 别 - That's it! - No.
结束了 我要去绿色世界 No, I'm going to Green World. It's over.
- 别 奥格登 先生 - 记住 我得付... - No, Mr. Ogden. - Remember, I have to pay that...
- 求你了 别这样 - 手淫 真恶心 - Please, no, no. - Self juicing. Filth!
天哪 Oh, my God...
佐伊 Zoey...
我们得把合约弄回来 We must get that contract back.
没办法了 We can't!
不可能 我们不可能和绿色世界竞争 It's impossible. We can't compete with Green World.
走着瞧 We will see about that.
但是从现在开始 要按我的方式来 But from now on, it is my way
或者不拉不拉不拉的方式 or the highwahahtmaa- fferrohshelechnichway.
原为 "or the high way" 要么别干
管理大权更迭了 There has been a regime change!
你 去整理货架 Yo! You are stocking the shelves.
你 高龄罗马尼亚会计 You, senile Romanian accountant.
你是收银员 You are on the cash register.
绿色世界的CEO不开混合动力汽车 The CEO of Green World does not drive a hybrid!
绿色世界生产的化学品 The chemicals in Green World produce
让这个男孩长奶头 made this boy grow tits!
偷店里东西的人会被起诉
偷店里东西的人要受水刑
你保证不再偷了吗 You promise not to steal again?
不会了 不会了 I won't. I won't!
维克多 再电 Give him one more for fun, Viktor.
偷店里东西者会被绑架 其家庭男性成员都将遭受强奸
正确的选择 Good choice.
维克多 Hi, Viktor.
至高店长 Supreme Grocer.
菊苣已经洗干净而且整理好了 The radicchio has been washed and sorted,
喷水管也缠好了 and the spray hose has been tightly coiled.
很好 现在上楼 Very good. Now go upstairs
去给小麦草施肥 and finish composting the wheatgrass tailings, okay?
是 至高店长 Yes, Supreme Grocer.
佐伊 Zoey!
什么 看哪 What? Look...
太棒了 It's amazing!
不是太棒 只是没以前那么糟糕了 Oh, it's not amazing. It's just a little less shit.
好吧 谢谢你 Well, thank you.
- 不好意思 - 没问题 - Sorry. - Oh, of course.
- 私人电话 - 谢谢你 再次感谢 - Personal. - Thank you. Thank you again.
我有好消息 I have some very good news.
什么 What is it?
我今天在假发店 I managed to buy some
买到了一个非常不错的假胡子 beards at the wig store today that are perfect.
不 纳达尔 必须得是真胡子 No, Nadal, it must be real hair.
- 而且是一个伟大人物的胡子 - 什么 - And from the head of a great man! - What?
就像卡斯特罗或者甘道夫 Like Castro or Gandalf.
《魔戒》中白衣法师 胡子很长
不 No.
山姆·道格拉斯 哈林教父 享年92岁
干得好 纳达尔 这个胡子很完美 Well done, Nadal. This beard is perfect.
这些花都很漂亮 Those are lovely flowers.
佐伊想过在店里 You know, Zoey is thinking of opening
开辟一个环保的鲜花专区 an eco- friendly flower section to the store.
这是今天你第五次提到她了 This is the fifth time
这是什么情况 you've mentioned her today. What is going on?
还有两天就要签字了 The signing is in two days.
别告诉我你爱上这女人了 Tell me you're not falling for this woman!
当然没有 这太愚蠢了 Of course I'm not. This is silly.
很好 我们现在要做的是溜进教堂 Okay, good. All we need to do is slip into this chapel...
然而 这太奇怪了 And yet, it's strange.
有一天 我让她 The other day, I asked her to, you know,
为我吹箫 她拒绝了 gobble on my bilbul and she said, "no."
所以我想处死她 So obviously I wanted to execute her.
但是砍掉她的头让我感觉挺伤心的 But the thought of her decapitated head actually upset me,
- 所以我决定不这么做了 - 不 - So I decided not to do it. - No.
当你觉得砍掉某人的头让你伤心的话 When the thought of someone's decapitated head upsets you,
那就是爱 that is love.
- 我发誓我一点都不喜欢她 - 你不喜欢她? - I swear, I don't even like her at all. - You don't like her?
她的身材就像一个14岁男孩 She has the body shape of a 14- year- old boy.
那是你很特别的一个弱点 Well, that is a particular weakness of yours.
需要我提醒你"梅努多"事件吗[著名少年偶像团体] Need I remind you of the Menudo incident?
那些男孩睁着眼睛的 Those boys had their eyes open.
他们知道他们在做什么 They knew exactly what they were doing.
是我们把他们眼睛睁开的 We made them have their eyes open.
你让我把他们中的一个眼睛撑开 You made me hold one of their eyes open,
这样他们就能看见你对他们做的事情 so they'd see what you were doing to them.
他们看起来很愉快 They seemed to be having a pretty good time.
不是 那些男孩都哭了 They were not. Those boys were crying.
其中的三个自杀了 Three of them killed themselves!
跟我没关系 Nothing to do with me.
和你关系大着呢 他们中的大部分人都记下了 Everything to do with you! A lot of them wrote notes.
在他们的自杀遗言里提到了你的名字 In their suicide notes they named you by name!
都是谣言 你太傻了 It's all a rumor. And you're being silly.
先生们 你们在干嘛 Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'?
你们是死者的朋友吗 Are you guys friends of the deceased?
该怎么说呢 How do I put this?
他是我的黑鬼 He was my nigger.
不 不是这么说的 No, that's not the way to put it.
不是吗 No?
他是我的黑桂 黑鬼 黑葵 He was my negger. Nigger. Nagger?
- 不 不 不 - 你在说什么 - No, no, no. - What is that?
- 黑龟 黑鬼 黑柜 - Negar. Nigger? Nagur? - No, no.
别说了 Please stop. Please.
进来之前我就告诉过你 I told you, before we came in.
有一个词不要提 One word, do not say.
就是你现在用的这个词 Is the exact word you're using now.
- 没有 我说的是奴嘎 - 你已经说了很多次了 - No, I said Nuga... - One dozen times.
请告警告他 弄不好今天搞出两个葬礼来 Please relate to him that there could be two funerals today.
我 相信我 I... Believe me when I tell you,
我们来这里只是来表示对这位伟人的缅怀 we are here only to pay our respects to a great man.
好吧 他的棺材现在就在小教堂里 Okay, Eldridge's casket is laying in the chapel right now.
待会我们就要进去缅怀 We're gonna have the viewing in a few minutes.
非常感谢 Thank you very much.
顺便说一下 我喜欢你的音乐 I love your music, by the way.
不 不是 他不是个音乐家 No, it's not. He's not a musician.
很抱歉 惠特尼就这么走了 I'm so, so sorry that Whitney turned out like she did.
美国著名黑人女歌手 2012年2月过世
- 不是鲍比·布朗[惠特尼的前夫] - It's not Bobby Brown.
- 去那 - 好 来了 - Go there. - Okay. Here we go.
你好 有人在里面吗 Hello? Somebody in here?
纳达尔 南非州人发现我们了 Nadal! The Sub- Saharans have discovered us!
- 什么 好 好 好 - 快点 快 - What? Okay, okay, okay! - Hurry, hurry!
- 马上就好 - 你在那干嘛 - Just a moment! - What you doin' in there?
手淫 Jerking off.
开门 Open this door!
- 不 不 - 快开门 - No, no, no! - Open the door now!
快点 计划B 计划B Quick! Plan B! Plan B!
你怎么把他的头割下来了 Why did you chop off his head?
你不是说计划B吗 You said Plan B!
计划B是喝杯咖啡然后重组 Plan B was to have coffee and regroup,
不是砍掉他的头 it was not to chop his head off!
早上好 纳达尔 Good morning, Nadal!
快起来 早上好 纳达尔 Wake up! Good morning, Nadal!
别 别 别 No, no, no, no, no, no!
把这东西拿开 Get this away from me!
咱俩真是好搭档 You know, me and you are quite a team.
不 不 No, no.
你还知道其他伟大的搭档吗 You know who else makes a great team?
艾伯尼 和艾奥维 Ebony and Ivory
别 别 别 No, no, no!
和谐的生活在一起 Live together in perfect harmony.
你是怎么了 快把它拿开 What is wrong with you? Get it out of here!
真好玩 Good one.
哗啦哗啦 我在洗澡 Splish splash I was taking a bath!
赶紧出去 No! Get it out of here!
真奇怪 Oh, that is weird.
我在豆角下面放了些枸杞 I threw in some carob- covered goji berries,
免费赠送 just as a treat. Enjoy.
谢谢 你真好 真是个好人 Thank you. That's very kind of you. You're a very nice man.
你他妈刚才叫我什么 What the fuck did you call me?
我说你人很好 I said you were nice!
艾利森 兰卡斯特刚才来电话了 我们拿到合约了 Allison! The Lancaster just called! We got the contract back!
- 很好 管它呢 - 我知道 - Great! Whatever! - I know!
绿色世界正在关闭他们在曼哈顿的店 Green World is shutting down their Manhattan store!
我很奇怪这是怎么回事 I wonder what could have happened?
宝贝 小心点 小心 Be careful with that, sweetheart. Be careful.
好了 我们要买个大莴苣 Oh, yeah, we're going to have a nice big salad.
来拥抱庆祝下 Celebratory cuddle?
干得好 Well done!
- 你身上有味 - 我知道 - You smell bad. - I know.
快帮忙 Help!
来人帮帮忙 我老婆要生了 Somebody help! My wife is in labor!
天哪 天哪 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
宝贝 救护车20分钟内估计还来不了 Baby? The ambulance can't be here for 20 minutes.
能坚持住吗 Can you hold it?
不行 它就要出来了 I can't hold it! It's coming out!
它要出来了 It's coming out!
这里有医护经验的人吗 Does anyone have any medical experience?
我在瓦迪亚当了22年的外科主任 I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon for the last 22 years.
求你了 快来帮帮忙 Please. Please help us. Please.
- 艾利森 他们需要你帮忙 快 - 好吧 行 - Allison, they need your help. Come on. - Okay, fine.
快点 Come on.
你还好吗 Are you okay?
你在干嘛 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
不好意思 恶习难改 Sorry! Old habits die hard.
好 我要进去了 All right, I'm going in.
不是那个洞 That's the wrong hole!
- 什么 - 你把拳头放错洞了 - What? - You just put your fist up the wrong hole.
如果每次听到这个 都能有1美元就好了 If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.
拔出来 Get it outta there.
- 又进去了 - 好 很好 - Going in again. - Okay, good.
还是我的屁眼 Still my asshole!
伙计 你是怎么了 What is wrong with you, man?
又插进我屁眼了 You just put it in my asshole again!
手再往上 Just go up from where you are.
好消息是 你的前列腺很健康 The good news is, your prostate is completely healthy.
很好 很好 That's good. That's good.
- 又进来了 - 好 很好 - Going in again. - Okay, good.
坚持住 Hold on.
你要干吗 What are you...
艾利森 停 你需要两只手 Allison, stop it! You need two hands!
但是我还得发短信呢 But I'm in the middle of the text.
要出来了 It's coming out!
- 这声音那来的 - 什么 - Where is that coming from? - What?
很抱歉 我得接个电话 I'm really sorry. I'm gonna have to take this call.
我体内现在有个电话? Is there a phone in my body?
你在干嘛 What are you doing?
我在林肯隧道 I'm in the Lincoln Tunnel.
什么 好吧 我们得谈一会 What? Okay, look. We need to talk for a minute.
纳达尔 我现在不方便讲话 Hello, Nadal. Listen, I can't speak now.
待会再跟你讲电话 行吗 再见 I'll speak to you later, okay? Bye!
别再对着我的阴道讲话了 Stop talking to my vagina!
佐伊 婴儿卡住了 Zoey, the baby's stuck.
我需要你帮把手 I need you to put your hand in and help me.
- 什么 不 - 快点 插进去 - What? No... - Come on! Put it in!
- 不 别害怕 插进去 - 好 好 - No, don't be scared. Put it in. - Okay. Okay.
- 很抱歉 - 放在右边那个地方 - I'm sorry. - Put it right there on the right side.
- 天哪 天哪 - 推进去 - Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! - Push in.
我摸到手臂了 I think I feel an arm!
那是我的手指 That's my finger.
打扰了 你们俩在一起真甜蜜 Excuse me. You guys make a really cute couple together.
但是能不能把手臂从我阴道里拔出来后 But maybe could you finish doing this
再做那个啊 when you're not elbow- deep in my pussy!
艾利森 你抓到头了吗 Okay, Allison, you've got the head?
- 我抓到头了 - 好 马上就出来了 - I've got the head. - Okay, it's coming out.
快 推 Come on, push!
叛军在哪 叛军基地在哪 Where are the rebel bases? Where are the rebel bases?
抱歉 抱歉 Sorry, sorry.
等等 我看到头了 我看到头了 Wait, I can see the head! I can see the head!
我不能再推了 I can't push anymore!
你成功了 你成功了 You did it! You did it!
我赋予你 I sentence you
生命 to life.
脐带还连着呢 It's still attached!
不 对不起 Sorry. Oh, no.
- 怎么了 - 很抱歉 - What's wrong? - I'm sorry.
很不幸 It's bad news.
是个女孩 It's a girl.
垃圾桶在哪 Where's the trash can?
不 不 这就是我们想要的 No, no, no, no! That's what we wanted!
把她给我们 把她给我们 We'll take her, we'll take her.
小宝贝 Oh, baby.
刚才你真是太棒了 You were so amazing down there.
你拯救了一个小生命 You saved a little person's life.
吻你的感觉很棒 It feels so nice to kiss you.
我知道 跟你亲吻的感觉也很棒 I know. It's nice to kiss you, too.
我喜欢拥抱 I love the hugging.
我要来了 I just came.
不管了 I don't care.
躺下 Lie back.
好 Okay.
这将是幸福时刻 This is going to be amazing for you.
好的 Okay!
你的肚子很小 You have such a small stomach.
就像10岁男孩的肚子 It's like a 10- year- old boy's.
通常情况下 我不会亲10岁男孩的肚子 Normally, I don't kiss a 10- year- old boy's stomach.
是他们亲我的 They kiss mine.
15分钟后见 See you in 15 minutes.
好 Okay.
等等 Wait, wait.
等等 Wait.
艾利森 在进一步深入之前 Allison, before we go any further,
我有些事情得告诉你 there's something that I want to tell you.
你有个鸡巴 我就知道 You've got a dick. I knew it.
艾利森 我没有鸡巴 Allison, I don't have a dick.
很好 Great!
我从没跟有鸡巴男人爱爱 And I've never been with a guy with a dick.
任何男人 Or any guy.
或者男孩 Or boys.
只是女孩 Just girls.
还有小孩 And children.
不是小男孩 是小女孩 Not male ones. Female ones.
我想告诉你的是 What I wanted to tell you was this.
我是真的想和你在一起 艾利森·伯格斯 I really want to be with you, Allison Burgers.
佐伊 Zoey,
我不是艾利森·伯格斯 I'm not really Allison Burgers.
其实我就是那个叫 I'm actually a little somebody called
阿拉丁... Admiral General
元帅的人 Aladeen.
不 你的真名是什么 No, what's your real name?
等下 这个会说服你 Wait, this will convince you.
看 这就是我 Look, it's me!
核武器检查员会浴血而死 The weapons inspectors will bathe in their own blood!
那是你的胡子 That's your beard?
不 不 这不是我的胡子 No, no, no! It's not my beard.
我的朋友砍掉了摩根·弗里曼的头 My friend chopped the head off Morgan Freeman.
美国著名黑人影星
这是个很搞笑的故事 晚些再告诉你 It's a hilarious story. I'll tell you later, okay?
你疯了 太疯狂了 You are out of your mind. You're insane!
你不也从互联网的上非法下载音乐吗 Well, you download songs illegally from the Internet.
所以谁也别说谁 So let's not throw stones, okay?
你是个杀人凶手 You're a murderer!
不 不 佐伊 不 No, no, no! Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No.
你只是利用我混进那家酒店 You were just using me to get access to that hotel!
不是 No!
佐伊 我真的是无可救药的被你吸引了 Zoey, I'm attracted to you in a really fucked- up way.
天哪 Oh, my God!
我现在就去取消合约 I'm canceling that contract tomorrow!
佐伊我做错了什么 No, Zoey! What have I ever done wrong?
你对我撒谎了 You lied to me!
还因为战争罪行被通缉 And you're wanted for war crimes!
那都是没有凭据的 That stuff never sticks.
你走吧 You need to leave now.
你伤透了我的心 You have broken my heart into Aladeen pieces.
随着明日章程的签署 With the signing of the constitution tomorrow morning,
独裁的末路
瓦迪亚的民主之路已经不远了 democracy in Wadiya is just hours away,
人们在街上庆祝 and people are in the streets celebrating.
杀了阿拉丁 杀了阿拉丁 Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey!
你是怎么看阿拉丁元帅的 What do you think of Admiral General Aladeen?
我们恨他 我们恨他 We hate him. We hate him.
我们想起他就 You know, when we think of him, we...
就想吐 我们啐他 不要他 We vomit, and we spit and we don't want him.
如果阿拉丁将军在看这个 What would you say to General Aladeen
你想跟他说什么 if he were watching this?
我有个消息给他 I have a message for Aladeen.
操你妈 Suevel.
操你妈 操你妈 Suevel. Suevel.
- 再见 - 停 等等 - Good- bye! - Stop, stop, wait!
你干什么 What are you doing?
你怎么找到我的 How did you find me?
你给我发了7条短信 You texted me, like, seven times.
我要处决自己 I am executing myself!
什么 为什么 What? Why?
因为从没有人爱我 Because no one has ever loved me!
你爸爸会为你害臊的 Your father would be ashamed of you!
不 我不想成为我爸那样的人 No, I've realized I don't want to be like my father!
我不想再当一个独裁者了 In fact, I don't want to be a dictator anymore!
这是怎么回事 What's that now?
我经历了一个精神之旅 伙计 I've been on a spiritual journey, man,
像《一辈子做女孩》里那样 like Eat, Pray, Love.
你疯了吗 Have you gone insane?
我现在知道 外表上 I now know that on the outside,
我看着就像个蠢货 I am a bit of a cocksucker.
- 没错 - 但内心里我其实是好人 - Yeah. - But deep down I'm nice.
- 没觉得 - 我是 就像刺果 - Not really. - Yes, I am! I'm like mafroom.
外表坚硬多刺 Hard and spiky on the outside,
但内心柔弱 多愁善感 but soft and really mushy on the in.
你一点都不像刺果 你像洋葱 You're not like mafroom at all. You're like an onion.
外表是蠢货 An outer layer of cocksucker,
剥了外皮 and when you peel it away,
里面还有10多层 也都是蠢货 there is 10 more layers of cocksucker underneath.
你怎么这么烦人 You are such a schmuck!
意第绪语 欧美犹太人常用语言
- 为什么说意第绪语 - 刚学的 - Why are you speaking Yiddish? - I picked it up.
什么意思 刚学的 What do you mean, "I picked it up"?
谁随便就学会意第绪语了 Who picks up Yiddish?
我在纽约啊 I'm in New York!
我们正要消灭那个国家 We're trying to erase that country off the map!
我讨厌那的人 但我喜欢 I don't like the people, but I like the way that
他们的说话方式 说什么是什么 their words really sound like what they're meant to be.
Bar Mitzvah犹太教成人礼
真抱歉 我不能筹办你的成人礼了是吧 Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the Evite to your bar mitzvah?
天哪 Oh, my God!
你还真有胆量这么说 You've got real chutzpah saying that!
看看 你当好人就是这个下场啊 Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh?
站在桥边上打算自杀 Standing on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide?
还穿着卡洛驰鞋 Still wearing Crocs?
这鞋怎么了 What's wrong with Crocs?
穿这个就是说你放弃希望了 They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!
你还不如穿个运动裤 You might as well put sweatpants on
去吃一辈子苹果蜂连锁店呢 and go to Applebee's for the rest of your life!
这你倒是说对了 衣服是挺傻的 I'll give you that one. I do look ridiculous.
废话 听着 要是你不愿意救自己 Yes! Listen, if you won't come down from there for yourself,
就算为了国家吧 do it for your country.
如果宪章通过了 If this constitution is signed,
就会有人权 女司机和自由的媒体 there will be free press, women drivers, civil rights!
人权是什么东西 What are "Civil rights"?
过会再说 那个可笑的很 I'll tell you later. They're hilarious.
只有你能阻止这一切 Look, you alone can stop these terrible things from happening.
你是最后的大独裁者了 You are the last great dictator!
其他人都不在了 All of the others are gone!
分别为: 前利比亚/伊拉克/朝鲜领袖/美国副总统
卡扎菲 萨达姆 金正日 切尼 Qaddafi, Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.
说得对 纳达尔 You are right, Nadal.
我会是最伟大的独裁者 I will become the greatest dictator of all,
所有疯子的崇拜对象 the envy of madmen everywhere!
是的 最高领袖 Yes, Supreme Leader!
模仿马丁·路德·金的演讲《我有一个梦想》
从朝鲜的山头到津巴布韦的丛林 From the mountaintops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe,
让童工和血汗工厂的工人们歌颂吧 let every child laborer and sweatshop factory worker sing,
终于被压迫了 终于被压迫了 "Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last!
感谢阿拉丁 我们终于被压迫了 "Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!"
太棒了 Yes!
你干什么 What are you doing?
- 什么都没做 - 不不 别掉下去 - I'm not doing anything. - No, no, no, no, don't fall.
做引体向上 知道怎么做吗 Just do like a pull- up. You know how you do pull- ups?
引体向上就是我发明的 I invented the pull- up.
如果你刚开始收看 我们在兰卡斯特酒店 If you're just joining us, we are at the Lancaster Hotel,
20分钟后 阿拉丁将军 where in about 20 minutes, General Aladeen
将在这里签署新的瓦迪亚宪章 will be signing the new Wadiyan constitution.
全球政要都纷纷到来 Dignitaries from around the world are arriving now
共同见证民主制度的建立 to witness the creation of a democracy
这一进程无疑将改变整个地区 that will undoubtedly change the political landscape
的政治面貌 of the entire region.
瓦迪亚在北非政局中至关重要 As Wadiya goes, so goes North Africa.
埃迪·诺顿[美国演员]下次让你尿我身上 Eddie Norton, next time, you pee on me.
随便你 Whatever.
告诉维果·莫特森[演员] 我看上他了 And tell Viggo Mortensen he is on my radar.
怎么说 汤里有只苍蝇 How do you say, "Fly is in the soup"?
各位好 塔米尔你好 Gentlemen, Tamir.
我要给你们介绍 我美丽的妻子 Let me introduce you to my beautiful wife.
劳太太 我非常荣幸 Mrs. Lao, it is my very great pleasure.
不不 她不说英语 No, no, no, no. She does not speak English.
看这个 Watch this.
你个丑马脸 You ugly horse!
她不知道 She doesn't know.
看见没 她每次都点头称是 看着 "Ohhh." See? She goes "Ohhh" All the time. Watch.
剃毛的大猩猩 Shaved ape.
噢 "Ohhh."
等等 你就打算用这个让我过去吗 Wait. That is how you intend to get me across to the Lancaster?
没问题的 Absolutely.
- 你哪弄的 - 自己造的 - Where'd you get that? - I built it.
那会想刺杀你的时候 When I was going to assassinate you.
你是说我的替身 You mean my double.
是 对 Sure. Yeah.
成功了 Bingo!
太棒了 Love it!
- 告诉你怎么做 - 好 - Here's what you do. - Okay.
滑降过去 杀了那个替身 Zipline across, kill the double,
然后当着全球媒体 and then rip up the constitution
撕了宪章 in front of the world's media.
很简单 Piece of cake.
我来了 兰卡斯特 Hello, Lancaster!
我不明白这是怎么回事 I don't understand what has happened.
我的计算很精准 My calculations were very precise.
减点重量就能滑过去了 If you lose enough weight, then the zipline will work.
你兜里有什么东西吗 Do you have anything in your pockets?
让我看看 Let me check.
那是什么 What is that?
维塔可可果汁 It's Vita Coco water.
你带它干什么 Why do you have Vita Coco water?
富含钾元素 顶三个香蕉呢 Because it has as much potassium as three bananas.
还是太沉了 The line is still too heavy.
你兜里还有什么 Is there anything else in your pockets
重物没有 that could be weighing you down?
你搞笑呢吗 那你还带三个香蕉做什么 You're kidding. So then why did you bring three bananas?
我才不信广告呢 我天生多疑 Because I don't trust the advertising. I'm naturally suspicious.
还有什么不 Is there anything else you're carrying?
还是太沉了 You're still too heavy.
只有这个了 Just this.
这是什么 砖头吗 What is that, a brick?
你一直带着块砖头 为什么 All this time you've had a brick? Why do you have that?
平衡另一边的重量 Well, to balance out the weight from the other one.
你还有一块 You have two bricks?
对 Yes!
马上都给我扔了 Throw them down immediately!
天哪 有只小山羊在啃缆绳 Oh, my God! There's a little goat eating the wire!
得快把重量减下来 You need to lose weight immediately!
我兜里都空了 要不我拉泡屎 My pockets are empty. I could poo.
那没啥大用啊 That won't be enough to make a difference.
有用 我来纽约之后就没拉过 Yes, it will. I haven't gone since Wadiya.
失去权力弄得我便秘 像是塞了个塞子 Losing power has stopped me up like a cork.
快 Hurry!
快点 最高领袖 快拉啊 Come on, Supreme Leader! Make it rain! Make it rain!
拉出来了 头还是尖的呢 It's out! And it's pointy!
快来人阻止他 Somebody stop that man!
成了 Yes!
怎么 不好不好 What? No, no, no, no!
不要 No, no, no!
最高领袖 Supreme Leader!
在塔米尔杀了你前赶紧离开 Get out of here before Tamir kills you.
塔米尔是谁 Who is Tamir?
塔米尔就是 Tamir...
害我们至此的那个光头混蛋 The bald bastard who did all these terrible things to us!
我还以为他叫丹尼斯 I thought his name was Dennis.
你怎么想的 把塔米尔记成丹尼斯 How would you even make that leap? Tamir to Dennis?
- 快 出去 出去 - 快点 蒙兹 - Go on, get out! Get out! - Come on, Montzi!
快 Quick!
跳过去 没那么远 Just jump. It's not that far.
艾弗瓦德 Efawadh.
快到时间了 It is almost time.
我喜欢山羊 I like goats.
我很蠢 I am very stupid.
海陆统帅 阿拉丁元帅军签署宪章
这是历史性的一刻 This is an historic moment.
瓦迪亚海陆统帅 阿拉丁元帅 Admiral General Aladeen of Wadiya
将要签署瓦迪亚有史以来 is going to be signing the first democratic constitution
首部民主宪章 in the history of his nation.
波兰现场报道
全球人民都在目不转睛的关注这一幕 Across the globe, people are glued to their television sets.
老挝现场报道
瓦迪亚人民正在庆祝 The people of Wadiya are celebrating
国家的新生 what will be a new chapter in their country.
现在距离签署宪章 Just moments away now from putting his signature
没有多久了 on the first democratic constitution.
这是塔米尔·马福德 深得阿拉丁信任的顾问 That's Tamir Mafraad, Aladeen's trusted advisor,
此刻他正于中国商人 sharing a lighthearted moment
祥劳亲切交谈 with Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.
你认为他们正在谈论什么 麦克 Any thoughts on what they might be saying, Mike?
我觉得能看出在说哈维·凯德[美国影星] I thought I made out the words "Harvey Keitel."
不知这是什么意思 Don't know what that meant.
也许他们共享了一个热狗 Maybe they shared a hot dog together, I'm thinking?
说得通 That would make sense.
他在抹去脸和胸上的芥末 He's wiping the mustard off his face and chest.
不好意思 Excuse me!
你不明白 你得让我进去 You have to let me in. You don't understand.
他要试图阻止签字仪式 He's trying to stop the signing!
塔米尔正在讲话 Tamir is now speaking.
今天 Today,
我们开启了一个崭新的时代 we begin a new era.
瓦迪亚将会走向全球 Wadiya will be open to the world.
走向未来 Open to the future.
走向商业开放 And open for business.
可以签署文件了 最高领袖 The document is ready to be signed, Supreme Leader.
你在干什么 这个人是个冒牌货 What are you doing? This man is an imposter!
我不是 这个叛徒试图杀我还毁了我的胡子 No! This traitor tried to kill me and had my beard removed!
看 Look!
逮捕阴险的塔米尔 Arrest the viper Tamir!
事件发展出乎意料 And now in another amazing turn of events,
塔米尔·马福德正被带走 Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.
这个宪章 就是一张许可而已 This constitution is nothing but a license
让石油公司和外籍利益集团 for oil companies and foreign interests
破坏我挚爱的瓦迪亚 to destroy my beloved Wadiya!
瓦迪亚将继续施行专政 Wadiya will remain a dictatorship!
别吵 Oh, be quiet.
你们为何如此反对独裁 Why are you guys so anti dictators?
想象下 如果美国是独裁政权 Imagine if America was a dictatorship.
就能让1%的人 拥有国家的所有财富 You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth.
占领华尔街运动导火索
就能让你的富人朋友更富 You could help your rich friends get richer
经济危机后美国政策
给他们减税 by cutting their taxes
在他们投资失败的时候 出台救市计划 and bailing them out when they gamble and lose.
可以不给穷人提供 You could ignore the needs of the poor
奥巴马医保政策
医保和教育 for health care and education.
媒体表面上言论自由 Your media would appear free
暗中却被一个家族所掌控 but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family.
默多克旗下《世界新闻报》偷听事件
可以随意窃听电话 You could wiretap phones,
关塔纳摩虐囚事件
虐待外籍俘虏 you could torture foreign prisoners.
可以操控选举 You could have rigged elections.
可以捏造理由发起战争 You could lie about why you go to war.
可以把监狱塞满少数民族 You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group
也没人会抱怨 and no one would complain!
可以利用媒体胁迫民众 You could use the media to scare the people
去支持不利于他们的政策 into supporting policies that are against their interests.
我知道你们美国人很难想象这些 I know this is hard for you Americans to imagine,
但设想一下吧 but please try.
我告诉你民主是什么 I will tell you what democracy is!
民主最糟了 Democracy is the worst!
每个愚蠢的意见都讨论个没完没了 Endless talking and listening to every stupid opinion!
每个人都能说了算 And everybody's vote counts,
瘸子 黑人 女人 都能说了算 no matter how crippled or black or female they are.
民主 Democracy...
民主 Democracy
长腋毛 还有点超重 has hairy armpits and could lose five pounds.
民主看着像侏儒带了个化疗假发 Democracy looks like a midget in a chemo wig.
民主 你妈那天打电话留言 Democracy, your mother called the other day
我忘了告诉你 and I forgot to give you the message.
你外婆的什么事 很重要 It was something very important about your grandmother.
民主会自愿的吻你 Democracy kisses you because she wants to,
而不是因为她爸被关在隔壁 not because her father is in the next room
乳头接了电极 被锁在暖气片上 chained to a radiator with electrodes attached to his nipples.
民主有缺陷 民主不完美 Democracy is flawed! She is not perfect!
但是 民主 But democracy,
我爱你 I love you.
因此我才要呼唤真正的民主 And that is why I call for real democracy!
一部真正的宪法 A real constitution!
一次瓦迪亚真正的选举 And real elections in Wadiya!
不要啊 Oh, no!
拜托 Come on!
民主 我要将你纳入后宫 Democracy, I will make you one of my wives.
好吧 就娶你一个 我们投票 Okay, only wife. We'll vote on it.
我会为你刮腋毛的 I'll shave my armpits for you.
感谢造物主 Praise be to the Creator!
拜托你别再用那个有机除臭剂了 And please stop using that organic deodorant.
臭的都能熏死库尔德人了 You could gas the Kurds with that stench.
库尔德人 西亚游牧民族
你因保卫我而死 艾弗瓦德 You died protecting me, Efawadh.
你好 Hello!
你还活着 You are alive?
当然了 我本职工作就是被爆头 Of course! It is my job to be shot in the head.
- 他还好吗 - 他没事 - Is he okay? - He's fine.
子弹正中他脑袋 Luckily the bullet hit him in the brain.
所以 So,
现在怎么 what now?
回到瓦迪亚公平参选 I return to Wadiya to participate in fair elections.
一年后
早安瓦迪亚
让我们盘点一下去年的年度大事 Let's now look back at the wonderful events of the past year.
在瓦迪亚首次自由选举中 After Wadiya's first free elections,
总统首相海陆统帅阿拉丁元帅 President Prime Minister Admiral General Aladeen
赢得了98.8%的投票 won 98.8% of the vote.
但今日要事 But the big story today
是总统首相海陆统帅阿拉丁元帅 is the marriage of President Prime Minister
与新娘佐伊的婚礼 Admiral General Aladeen and his new bride, Zoey.
我宣布二位结为夫妻 I now pronounce you man and wife.
你还好吗 亲爱的 你踩了什么 Are you okay, my love? What did you step on?
对了 不是 Oh, yes! No, no.
这是我们的传统 It's my people's tradition.
在婚礼上要打碎一个杯子 We always smash a glass at weddings.
- 我是犹太人 - 什么 - I'm Jewish! - What?
恭喜[希伯来语] Mazel tov!
你还好吗 Are you okay?
没关系 我不介意 这很好 That's fine. I don't mind. It's great!
过来抱一个 亲爱的 Come here, my love.
早上好 总统首相阿拉丁先生 Jachnoon, President Prime Minister Aladeen.
早 纳达尔 我一小时内得回宫殿 Jachnoon. Nadal. I have to be back at the palace in an hour.
佐伊以为我去做瑜伽了 Zoey thinks I'm at yoga.
我有好消息 I have great news.
再过几天就能测试新导弹了 We are just days away from testing the new missiles.
我重新设计了氧化管 I have re- engineered the oxidizing ducts
和运载系统 and the payload delivery systems.
现在导弹是尖头的了 你一定很开心 But you'll be happy to know, the missile is now pointy!
谁管它头尖不尖 Who cares if it's pointy?
什么 What?
你不是很关心吗 你要尖头的导弹 You do. You care if it's pointy.
我怎么会在乎这种破事情 Why would I care about such a trivial detail?
你开玩笑呢吗 你是认真的不 Are you serious? Are you serious right now?
当然是认真的 Of course I'm serious.
你处决我就是因为这个 That's why you had me executed!
导弹的形状 The shape of the missile
和导弹的运载没关系 has nothing to do with the payload delivery.
我就这么说的 一开始就这么说的 That's what I said! That's what I said the first time!
- 是我说的 然后你就开始抽疯 - 不对 - No, that's what I said, and you went crazy. - No!
你说大力水手教授说了 You said Professor Popeye this...
大力水手是个卡通人物 Professor Popeye is a cartoon.
对 我知道 No, I know this!
我们将建立300个妇女中心 So, we're opening 300 Women's Centers,
但我得休息一段时间 因为 but I'm going to have to take a break for a little bit because
我怀孕了 I'm pregnant.
什么 What?
生个男孩还是去堕胎 Are you having a boy or an abortion?
后有花絮
先生们 你们好 Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'?
是死者的朋友吗 Are you guys friends of the deceased?
要让我当着他寡妇的面说这些吗 Do you want me to say this in front of his widow?
我是他的情人 I was his lover.
不对 错了 No. That is not true.
哈莱姆环球旅行者(Harlem Globetrotters) 花式篮球队 总部位于纽约哈莱姆区[黑人居住区 死者是此区老大]
我看了他在环球旅行者球队的表演 I saw him perform with the Globetrotters.
非常欣赏他 就与他交好了 I thought he was outstanding. I befriended him.
不对 不是这个人 No, it's a different person.
"Don't Worry, Be Happy"是美国大师级声乐演唱家 比·麦克费林1988年的成名曲
他那首开心点别担心 His message of don't worry and being happy
太棒了 was so powerful.
不对那是博比·麦克费林 刚告诉你了 No, this is Bobby McFerrin. I told you this outside.
2009年11月泰格·伍兹偷腥门
不管有什么丑闻 Whatever the scandal you went through,
你永远是最棒的高尔夫球员 you're still the best golfer in the world.
走吧 Let's go.
我的天哪 O- m- g.
我滴天 Oh, my God.
天哪 Oh, my...
佐伊 Zoey.
这脑袋不错 That's some good head!
这就叫报复 太爽了 That is called payback and it feels so good!
感觉怎么样 感觉怎样 How did it feel for you? How did it feel for you?
还是山羊比较好 I prefer it with goats.
最高领袖在哪 Where is the Supreme Leader?
不不不 No, no.
这才叫报复 Now that is called payback!
是吧 Oh, great!
别碰上 别碰上 Don't touch it. Don't touch it.
你不用真擦 You don't have to touch it.
抱歉 我就是 Sorry. I was...
等会 Just give us... We don't...
给我留几厘米隐私啊 Just give me a couple of millimeters to myself.