>> FROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S WORLD
NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK,
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
JON STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, BABY.
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
MY NAME IS JON STEWART.
MY GUEST TONIGHT, AZIZ ANSARI.
TREMENDOUS COMIC.
ACTUALLY STARTED OUT HERE AS AN
INTERN.
AZIZ ANSARI.
HE'S GOING TO BE ON THE PROGRAM
TONIGHT.
BUT I CAN'T EVEN-- I'M BUSTING,
JERRY, I'M BUSTING.
LIKE MANY OF YOU, I HEARD SOME
INTERESTING, LET'S CALL IT NEWS
TODAY, ABOUT A CERTAIN, LET'S
SAY, GIFT FROM HEAVEN.
( LAUGHTER )
ENTERING THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE
BECAUSE APPARENTLY
HUCKABEE-SANTORUM WASN'T FAR
FETCHED ENOUGH.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE WORLD
RIGHT NOW IS GOING WHITES ARE
BLACK, TRUMP'S RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
LIKE.
DOES GRAVITY STILL WORK?
I MEAN, IT'S-- YA!
OBVIOUSLY, AS A PARENT, I KNOW
ALL TOO WELL, WE HAVE TO HAVE
SOMETHING NUTRITIONAL BEFORE
DESSERT, SO, IF YOU WILL JUST
BEAR WITH ME, WE CAN KNOCK THE
SPINACH OUT AND STICK OUR NAKED
ASSES IN A GOLDEN CORALL CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN
REAL SOON.
SATURDAY, FIRST RALLY, CLINTON.
>> IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE
WITH ALL OF YOU --
>> Jon: YES, YES, WONDERFUL TO
BE WITH YOU, TOO.
PICK UP THE PACE.
THERE'S A CRAZY PERSON RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
>> THERE MAYBE SOME NEW VOICES
IN THE
PRESIDENTIAL REPUBLICAN CHOIR.
BUT THEY'RE ALL SINGING THE SAME
OLD SONG, A SONG CALLED
"YESTERDAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL OUR TROUBLES LOOK AS THOUGH
THEY'RE HERE TO STAY.
AND WE NEED A PLACE TO HIDE
AWAY.
THEY BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY.
>> Jon: YOU'RE KILLING ME.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
HILLARY, I MEAN THIS IN THE
NICEST WAY POSSIBLE, LET IT BE.
LISTEN, SO, SO, DIG IT.
SHE'LL DO GREAT.
WHO'S NEXT?
>> I'M A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WHOOO!
>> Jon: WHOOO?
YOU, RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
YOU AREN'T EVEN CLOSE TO WHOOO.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHOO!
I HAVE A WHO IN MY BACK POCKET
WE'LL TALK ABOUT LATER.
YOU'RE MORE LIKE THIS GUY.
DOES THAT GUY HAVE A NAME?
THAT GUY'S NAME IS PROBABLY JEB
BUSH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY YOU, JEB BUSH?
>> THE PRESIDENCY SHOULD NOT BE
PASSED ON FROM ONE LIBERAL TO
THE NEXT.
>> Jon: NO, IT SHOULD BE
PASSED DOWN FROM ONE FAMILY
MEMBER TO THE NEXT.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE A PRECIOUS HEIRLOOM YOU
STORE FOR SAFE KEEPING IN A
GLASS CASE IN PA-PA'S GARAGE IN
KENNEBUNKPORT NEXT TO HIS PILE
OF BUTLER SKELETONS.
ARE YOU DONE YET?
>> IN THIS COUNTRY OF OURS, THE
MOST IMPROBABLE THINGS CAN
HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: I KNOW, AND WE'RE
TRYING TO GET TO HIM.
BIT YOU WON'T SHUT UP
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE PLAUSIBLE
CANDIDATE WITH THE GIANT WAR
CHEST WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE
PRESIDENT.
>> IN THIS COUNTRY OF OURS, THE
MOST IMPROBABLE THINGS CAN
HAPPEN AS WELL.
TAKE THAT FROM A GUY WHO MET HIS
FIRST PRESIDENT ON THE DAY HE
WAS BORN AND HIS SECOND ON THE
DAY HE WAS BROUGHT HOME FROM THE
HOSPITAL.
>> Jon: YES, ONLY IN
AMERICA COULD A MAN BE BORN THE
SON OF ONE LEADER AND THE
BROTHER OF ANOTHER, OR SAUDI
ARABIA, OR WESTEROS, I GUESS,
ANYWHERE WHERE A HEREDITARY
MONARCHY.
CAN'T EAT MY DESSERT.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY
FATHER, DONALD J. TRUMP.
♪ WITH A BABY IN A HAND ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: I'M JUST REALLY
HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
I'M A BILLIONAIRE VANITY
CANDIDATE, TAKING THE ESCALATOR
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
HEY, ONLY LOSERS WALK.
PRESIDENTS TAKE STAIR FORCE ONE.
WHAT AN ENTRANCE.
AN ESCALATOR DOWN.
I HAVEN'T SEEN AN ENTRANCE THAT
MAJESTIC SINCE MY FRIEND MET ME
AT THE GAP AFTER GRABBING AN
ORANGE JULIUS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WOW!
COME ON!
LET'S DANCE, CLOWN STICK!
>> I AM OFFICIALLY RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
AND WE ARE GOING TO MAKE OUR
COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: ( BLEEP ) SCORED
HIS OWN PRESIDENTIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M GOING TO RUN
FOR PRESIDENT.
KYLE, IN THE SOUND BOOTH, NEIL
YOUNG ME.
YES.
♪ ROCKIN' IF THE-- ♪
CUT, DONE.
>> WHAT FOLLOWED WAS A HALF AN
HOUR OF JIBBER-JABBER EVER TO
POUR FROM THE MOUTH OF A
BAT-( BLEEP ) BILLIONAIRE.
>> THE U.S. HAS BECOME A DUMPING
GROUND FOR EVERYBODY ELSES
PROBLEMS.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US.
HOW HOW STUPID ARE OUR LEADERS?
WE HAVE LOSERS.
WHEN DID WE BEAT JAPAN AT
ANYTHING?
CHINA HAS OUR JOBS, AND MEXICO
HAS OUR JOBS.
WHEN MEXICO SENDS HIS PEOPLE--
THEY'RE BRINGING DRUGS.
THEY'RE BRINGING CRIMES.
THEY'RE RAPISTS, AND SOME, I
ASSUME, ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
>> Jon: I'M SAYING BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT, HUH?
THEY CAN'T ALL BE RAPISTS.
IT'S NOT PROBABLE.
THIS GUY JUST DISRESPECTED OUR
SOUTHERN NEIGHBORS AT HIS
PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS.
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF DRUG DEALERS
AND RAPISTS-- NO DISRESPECT.
HE'S AMAZING!
AMERICA'S ID IS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
TRUMP IS THE PARTY OF BRAIN THAT
IS LIKE AT 3:00 A.M. GOING LET'S
TAKE A ( BLEEP ) IN A MAILBOX.
COME ON!
WHO'S GONNA KNOW?
NOW EVERY CANDIDATE USES THEIR
ANNOUNCEMENT SPEECH TO LIST OFF
A LITANY OF VALUES THAT DEFINE
THEM.
SO DID THE DONALD.
>> I'M REALLY RICH.
I DID AN AMAZING JOB.
NET WORTH OF $8 BILLION-- NET
WORTH NOT ASSETS.
THE GRAND HYATT HOTEL.
THE CONVENTION CENTER ON THE
WEST SIDE.
TRUMP TOWER.
BANK OF AMERICA BUILDING IN SAN
FRANCISCO.
I JUST SOLD AN APARTMENT FOR $15
MILLION TO SOMEBODY FROM CHINA.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY, $15 MILLION TO
A CHINESE GUY!
WHO'S BETTER THAN ME?
HEY, KYLE, NEIL YOUNG ME, BOOM!
THIS SPEECH WAS SO ( BLEEP ) UP,
THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, ALL
THE LIQUID IN HIS BODY TRIED TO
ESCAPE THROUGH THE CORNER OF HIS
MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, DONALD.
THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP FOR
MAKING MY LAST SIX WEEKS MY BEST
SIX WEEKS.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Jon: NO!
HE IS PUTTING ME IN SOME KIND OF
COMEDY HOSPICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHERE ALL I'M GETTING IS THIS
STRAIGHT MORPHINE-- WELL,
OBVIOUSLY, WITH SUCH A STUNNING
ANNOUNCEMENT WE HAVE FULL TEAM
COVERAGE.
WE'RE GOING LIVE TO JORDAN
KLEPPER AT TRUMP HEADQUARTERS.
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THE LATEST?
>> JON, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
REALLY HAPPENING.
DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO, SO GOOD.
SO, SO-- OOOH!
OOOH!
>> Jon: JORDAN!
>> OOOH!
OOOOO-OOOH!
>> Jon: I'M GOING TO HASAN
WHILE YOU COLLECT YOURSELF.
HASAN MINAJ LIVE FROM THE
CAPITOL.
WHAT IS THE WORD DOWN THERE?
>> YES, JON, I JUST WANT TO ECHO
WHAT MY COLLEAGUE IS SAAAY--
LET'S GET BACK TO THE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT TRUMP IS RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
OH, MY GOD!
OOOH!
I USUALLY HAVE LIKE A LONGER REFRACTION PERIOD.
I'M SORRY, JON.
BUT --
>> JUST BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP IS
GOING TO BE FLYING AROUND IN AIR
FORCE TRUMP DOESN'T--
>> OOOH.
>> OOOH!
OOOH!
>> OOOOH!
>> Jon: STOP, THINK OF YOUR
GRANDMOTHER!
THINK OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER!
>> MY GRANDMA IS IT RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT!
JESSICA WILLIAMS!
>> AT TRUMP INTERNATIONAL NEW
YORK CITY, ARE YOU FEELING IT.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YES.
WHAT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
DEFINITELY THE BIGGEST I'VE EVER
SEEN.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN TAKE
IT ANYMORE IT'S SO --
>> I FEEL LIKE-- JESS, I FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE NOT REALLY INTO
THIS.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT REALLY
INTO THIS, JESS.
>> WHAT?
NO.
THIS IS AMAZING.
IT FEELS SO GREAT.
I JUST ACTUALLY REALLY HAVE AN
EARLY DAY TOMORROW, SO ARE WE
GOING TO GET DONE WITH THIS
SEGMENT OR...
OR.
>> I'M DONE WITH THIS SEGMENT.
>> I'M DONE.
>> Jon: JORDAN, ARE YOU
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THANKS, GUYS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED
RUNNING OUR OH FACES ON A LOOP.
WELCOME BACK.
IF THE DONALD IS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT WE WILL NEED AN
APPROPRIATE NOSH TO CELEBRATE
BUT WHAT FOOD COULD MATCH THE
DEPRAVITY AND EXCESS OF A DONALD
TRUMP CANDIDACY?
>> NOTHING GOES WITH A PIPING
HOT PIZZA LIKE AN ALL-AMERICAN
HOT DOG, RIGHT?
PIZZA HUT IS ROLLING OUT ITS
LATEST CONCOCTION IN THE U.S.
IT'S A CRUST STUFFED WITH WEINER
BITES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: IT LOOKED LIKE A
GROUP OF UNCIRCUMCISED ITALIAN
MEN JERKING OFF ON TO A
( BLEEP ) PIZZA.
OR IF YOU PREFER, PIZZA WEARING
AN UNCIRCUMCISED ( BLEEP )
BANDOLEER.
JUST IN CASE IT'S EVER ATTACKED.
WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD
WILLINGLY PUT THIS INTO THEIR
MOUTHS?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?
IT'S LIKE PIGS IN A BLANKET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> HELLO.
HELLO DOOCY.
HELLO KILMEADE.
HELLO, PIZZA.
>> THE QUESTION IS, DO YOU
ACTUALLY START WITH THE CRUST?
>> WHY WOULDN'T YOU?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: BECAUSE YOU COULD
DIE.
LOOK, I UNDERSTAND THE
ATTRACTION.
WHO AMONGST US HAS NOT FINISHED
AN ENTIRE PIZZA HUT PIZZA AND
THOUGHT TO OURSELVES, YOU KNOW
WHAT I COULD GO FOR RIGHT NOW?
ONE ( BLEEP ) MINI HOT DOG AND
RIGHT AFTER, THAT ONE OF THEM
FOREVER NAPS.
COME ON!
HAWKING FAST FOOD ON THE NEWS?
IS THERE ANY WAY THIS COULD GET
MORE INAPPROPRIATE?
>> 28 MINI HOT DOGS BAKED IN
EACH CRUST.
>> Jon: TAKE IT EASY WITH
FINGER BANGING THE PIZZA THERE,
BROTHER.
THIS IS A MORNING SHOW.
KIDS ARE WATCHING.
YOU SAVE THAT FOR "FOX AND
FRIENDS AFTER DARK."
♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: THIS MAY BE THE
GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PIZZA HUT-- PIZZA HUT-- PIZZA
HUT, HOW DARE YOU?
THIS IS WHOWT A DOUBT THE MOST
REPULSIVE, DISGUSTING NAUSEATING
FAST FOOD THEY HAVE EVER SEEN IN
MY LIFE.
AND I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING,
WHEN YOU TAKE-- WHY DO YOU
HAVE--
( LAUGHTER )
OH, HEY-- HEY, ARBY'S.
I WAS-- I WAS-- I WAS JUST
TALKING TO PIZZA HUT.
HOW LONG-- HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN THERE?
NO, ARBY'S!
NO, WAIT!
ARBY'S WAIT FOR ME AT CAMERA
THREE, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
WAIT.
WAIT FOR ME.
HEY.
( LAUGHTER )
HEY, ARBY'S YOU KNOW I DIDN'T
MEAN, THAT RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW YOU'LL ALWAYS
BE WORST.
COME ON.
COME ON, ARBY'S.
YOU'RE THE ONLY FOOD CLASSIFIEDS
A WAR CRIME.
YOU'RE THE GENERAL SHERMAN OF MY
ESOPHAGUS, JUST A LONG, BURNING
MARCH FROM MY FOOT AND MOUTH MY
ANUS.
BABY, BABY, BABY, COM.
YOU KNOW I WOULD TWEFER TWO-TIME
WITH YOU THAT
JOHNNY-COME-LATELY,
ISLE-OF-DOCTOR-MOREAU, PORK-(
BLEEP ) CHEESE TYPHOON OF
GLUTTONY.
WHO THE ( BLEEP ) DECIDE-- NO,
DON'T GO, DON'T GO.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
YOU TASTE LIKE IF A STOMACH
COULD GET PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE
THRILL OF SOMETHING NEW.
COME ON, BABY.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE SPECIAL.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON I
CARRY AROUND A DUFFEL BAG OF
SPARE UNDERWEAR.
I CAN'T BE MORE THAN 50 FEET
FROM A BATHROOM AT ALL TIMES.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE O.G..
COME ON, BABY.
COME ON.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ARBY'S.
NO GIMMICKS.
JUST DIARRHEA.
YOU KNOW WHO LOVES YOU, BABY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.
MY GUEST TONIGHT ACTOR AND
COMEDIAN, HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED
"MODERN ROMANCE."
PLEASE WELCOME TO OUR PROGRAM,
AZIZ ANSARI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Jon: AZIZ IS HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Jon: LISTEN TO THIS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
SO "MODERN ROMANCE," YOU KNOW
THIS ABOUT COMEDIANES AND BOOKS,
RIGHT?
IT'S A CASH GRAB.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE YOUR
ACT DOWN AND CASH TO CHECK.
>> YUP.
>> Jon: THIS IS A REAL
BOOK.
>> YEAH.
I WORKED HARD ON IT.
>> Jon: WHAT THE ( BLEEP )?
>> I KNOW.
I GOTTA DID THE CASH GRAB NEXT
SOMETIME.
>> Jon: I HOPE SO.
NO, IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.
SO YOU WORKED WITH A PROFESSOR
OF SOCIOLOGY, AND THERE'S REAL
SCIENCE AND REAL RESEARCH INTO
RELATIONSHIPS HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: BUT IT'S-- IT'S
TRUE.
>> IT IS.
YEAH.
>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
( LAUGHTER )
>> I GOTTA, LIKE, THE NEXT ONE I
SHOULD-- EVERYONE WRITES THESE
KIDS' BOOKS.
I'M LIKE, DAMN IT.
THAT IS SO MUCH EASIER THAN
SPENDING TWO YEARS DOING A
SCIENCE PROJECT.
( LAUGHTER )
I SHOULD HAVE JUST WRITTEN A
DAMN KIDS' BOOK.
BUT IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
I'D BEEN DOING MATERIAL ABOUT
KIND OF THESE ISSUES.
AND WHAT WAS INTERESTING TO ME
WAS WORKING WITH A SOCIOLOGIST
AND, LIKE, REALLY FIGURING OUT
THE HEART OF THESE ISSUES THAT I
WAS TALKING ABOUT IN MY STAND-UP
AND INTERVIEWING HUNDREDS OF
PEOPLE ABOUT IT.
IT WAS REALLY INTERESTING.
I FEEL LIKE I LEARNED A LOT.
>> Jon: AND TRAVELING.
YOU WENT AROUND THE WORLD.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: WHAT DID YOU LEARN
WORKED, AND DO YOU USE IT TO GET
LAID?
>> I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT
NOW.
SOME OF THE STUFF DOESN'T APPLY
TO ME.
>> Jon: LIKE THE STUFF
ABOUT... THAT?
>> YEAH.
I'M NOT USING IT TO, LIKE --
>> Jon: MEET GIRLS.
>> GET LAID WITH OTHER WOMEN
WHILE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
I'M NOT DOING THAT.
THAT WOULD BE BAD.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> BUT--
( LAUGHTER )
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
>> Jon: WHY WOULD YOU PUT
IN TWO YEARS OF EXTENSIVE
RESEARCH TO FIND OUT IN THE MOST
MINUTE STATISTICAL DETAIL WHAT
IS A MORE EFFECTIVE TINDIR
PICTURE, AND THEN WHY WOULD YOU
THEN USE THAT?
MAKES--
>> TO HELP THESE GUYS, MAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, WELL THAT'S
VERY NICE.
YOU'RE VERY NICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE THE SANTA CLAUSE.
YOU'RE THE SANTA CLAUS OF MODERN
DATING NOW.
WAS THERE ANYTHING THAT SHOCKED
YOU, THAT YOU HAD PRECONCEIVED
NOTIONS YOU HAD IN YOUR ACT AND
NOW HAVE TO REBOOT?
>> WELL, WHEN I WENT TO JAPAN, I
DEFINITELY THOUGHT OF, OH,
THAT'S SUCH A TECHNOLOGICALLY
ADVANCED CULTURE.
THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THE CUTTING
EDGE OF WHATEVER, ONLINE DATING
OR APPS.
AND THEN YOU GET THERE AND I
READ ALL THESE ARTICLES, AND
THERE'S, LIKE, A CRISIS THERE
AND IT WAS AN INSANE STATISTIC,
LIKE 46% OF WOMEN BETWEEN 16 AND
24 DESPISE SEXUAL CONTACT.
AND 25% OF THE GUYS IN THAT SAME
AGE DESPISE-- DESPISE, LIKE,
THAT IS AN AGGRESSIVE WORD.
THAT'S-- THAT'S LIKE YOU SEE
BREASTS AND IT'S LIKE, "GET IT
AWAY!"
>> Jon: WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT IS?
>> THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS, BUT
IT SEEMS LIKE THERE'S THIS WEIRD
GENDER DYNAMICS IN JAPAN.
AND WE TALKED TO THIS WOMAN WHO
DOES A LOT OF STUDIES THERE
ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION THERE,
AND THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S A BIG WORRY
AND THE GOVERNMENT IS, LIKE,
INVESTING MONEY IN TRYING TO GET
PEOPLE TO KIND OF START DATING
AND SOCIALIZING MORE BECAUSE
PEOPLE ARE KIND OF CHECKING OUT.
I ASKED THEM, "WHAT ABOUT ONLINE
DATING?
LIKE, THAT COULD BE A THING."
ONE ISSUE IS THE IDEA OF A
HERBORVOR MAN, A SHY GUY NOT AS
INTERESTED IN WOMEN, MORE
INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS.
AND THAT WILL BE PERFECT, LIKE
AN ONLINE DATING THING.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO IT,
DOESN'T WORK HERE AS WELL."
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, FOR ONLINE
DATING YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE
PROFILE AND PUT PHOTOS UP, AND
IN THEIR CULTURE, TAKING PHOTOS
OF YOURSELF IS KIND OF
NARCISSISTIC.
I WAS LIKE WHAT KIND OF PHOTOS
ARE PUT UP THEN?
GUYS WILL PUT UP A PHOTO OF
THEIR RICE COOKER.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR REAL!
LIKE, A RICE COOKER.
LIKE, YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND GO,
"I HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE RICE
VERY WELL.
>> Jon: DID YOU FIND IN THE
TECHNOLOGICAL AGE,
PEOPLE HAVE BECOME MORE DISTANT
FROM EACH OTHER, IS THIS A
HELP TO INTIMACY OR A HINDRANCE?
>> IT REALLY DEPENDS ON, I
THINK, HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.
YOU KNOW, ONE THING IS, LIKE,
ONLINE DATING.
WE TALKED TO SO MANY PEOPLE
ABOUT THAT AND THE PEOPLE
HAPPIEST WERE THE ONES WHO SPENT
LESS TIME IN FRONT OF THEIR
SCREENS AND MORE TIME ACTUALLY
MEETING PEOPLE AND NOT, LIKE,
JUST SITTING IN FRONT OF THE
COMPUTER SORTING THROUGH
PROFILES TRYING TO CRAFT THE
PERFECT MESSAGE AND SENDING
MESSAGES BACK AND FORTH.
>> Jon: PEOPLE GET
OBSESSIVE ABOUT THAT IN THE WAY
THEY MIGHT OBSESS ABOUT THEIR
APPEARANCE.
I COULD SEE THAT.
>> BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THERE
ARE SO MANY PEOPLE FINDING,
LIKE, AMAZING PEOPLE THAT THEY
GET MARRIED TO.
THAT WAS THE THING --
>> WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR
GIRLFRIEND?
>> THROUGH FRIEND OF FRIENDS.
>> Jon: TINDER?
>> NO, SHE'S GOING TO DUMP ME AT
THE END OF THIS SEGMENT.
>> Jon: SHE'S COMPLETELY NOT
GOING TO DUMP YOU.
YOU HAVE A RICE COOKER.
DO YOU HAVE A RICE COOKER?
>> I DO, I HAVE TO SHOW HER A
PICTURE OF IT.
>> Jon: YOU HAVE TELL YOU
IT'S AN INCREDIBLY FUNNY BUT
THOUGHTFUL PIECE OF WORK AND I'M
IMPRESSED.
I FEEL YOU SHOULD DO MORE OF
THESE.
>> I'M DOING A SERIES OF KIDS'
BOOKS AFTER THIS.
>> Jon: AZIZ ANSARI.
"MODERN ROMANCE" IS ON THE BOOK
SHELVES RIGHT NOW.
AZIZ, WELL DONE.
>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.
>> SADLY, THE AMERICAN DREAM IS
DEAD.