手枪子弹的时速超过11公里 A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.
绝对不行 不行 Absolutely not. No.
听着，如果你不想做 Look, if you don't wanna do it,
那就不必做了 you don't have to do it.
好吧，我不想做 Okay. Good, I don't wanna do it.
好 Fine.
该死！我还活着！ Goddamn! I'm alive.
太神奇了！ Oh, that's amazing!
我知道，对吧？所以说… I know, right. So...
准备再来一遍？ Ready to go again?
绝对不 Absolutely not.
好 Fine.
不要只是说“好” Don't just say "fine"
然后开枪打我胸部 and then shoot me in the chest.
因为这样很不酷 'Cause it's not cool.
一点也不酷 Like at all.
好吧 Okay.
上帝啊 Jesus.
海 扁 王 2
我总是纳闷 I always wondered
怎么在我之前没人想到超级英雄 why no one tried to be a superhero before me.
其实有人尝试过 It turns out somebody had.
明蒂·麦奎迪 Mindy Macready.
她爸过世后，在警界的老搭档 After her dad died, his old partner on the force,
马库斯成为她的监护人 Marcus, became her guardian.
她背的是不是粉红马包？不错的背包 Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing? Nice backpack.
谢谢 Thanks.
从6岁小孩那里偷来的？ Steal it from a six year old?
马库斯每天送她上学 Marcus dropped her off every day.
但是他一离开，她也离开 But as soon as he was gone, so was she.
校内没人发现 No one at school found out
因为她黑进了服务器 because she hacked into the server
给她自己全勤的奖励 and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.
超杀女和大老爸是玩真的 Hit Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal.
明蒂原本打算一直戴着面具活动 Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask
只要还有犯罪需要打击 as long as there were criminals to take down.
但是不管她阻止多少毒贩 But no matter how many drug dealers she stopped,
她总是觉得孤独 she couldn't stop feeling alone.
我呢？我已经放弃当超级英雄 Me? I'd given up being a superhero
因为实在太危险 because it was way too dangerous.
唯一的问题是，我快无聊死了 Only problem, I was dying of boredom.
跟很多高三学生一样 Like most high school seniors,
我不知道未来想干嘛 I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
拜托，我都不知道想看哪个频道 Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch.
这只是电视，戴夫，不是中东和平问题 It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the Middle East.
我的好朋友陶德和马蒂 My best friends Todd and Marty
没想到我是第一个公开现身的超级英雄 had no clue I was the first superhero to go public.
你们昨晚有没有看《蜘蛛侠》？ You guys watch Spider-Man last night?
梅婶令我硬起来会不会很怪？ Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
除非你是熟女控 Not if you're a granny-slammer.
他们也许变装打扮，但这不是万圣节 They may wear costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
他们是真实人生中的超级英雄 They're real life superheroes,
之后两年内，自从第一批普通市民 and in the two years since the first ordinary citizens
开始穿戴披风面罩 donned capes and masks,
这项运动开始散播开来 the movement has started to spread.
因为海扁王，使我成为超级英雄 I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass.
对，你下班以后 Yeah, you just come home from work,
操起行头外出巡逻 you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.
帮助我们维持街头安全 Help us make the streets safe.
我启发那些人行动起来 I inspired all those people to get off their asses,
而我现在被困住了 and now I was stuck on mine.
所以那一夜吃完晚餐后 So that night after dinner,
我决定拿出旧服装 I decided to get my old costume out.
- 对不起 - 你不会敲门吗？ - Sorry. - Can't you knock?
你知道的 You know, buddy,
这样非常正常，你会想自摸… it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself...
别说了，爸，出去！ Oh, Jesus, Dad. Get out!
假如我想让海扁王重现江湖 If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel,
我必须认真点 I had to get serious.
我们能聊聊吗？ Hey, can we chat?
求你了，明蒂？ Please, Mindy?
快上车，表在跑了 Get in the cab. Meters running.
我想跟蝙蝠侠和罗宾一样结队出击 I wanna team up like Batman and Robin.
没人相当罗宾 Nobody wants to be Robin.
罗宾有什么不好？ What's wrong with Robin?
你不是像大老爸的罗宾吗？ Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
罗宾希望他像我 Robin wishes he was me.
我想说的是我们应该合伙 What I'm trying to say is we should be partners,
你和我，像是强力双人组 you and me, like the dynamic duo.
我是大联盟等级，戴夫 你只是业余小子 I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.
又怎么样？训练我 So? Train me.
我想要有模有样 I wanna walk the walk,
你是我认识最像真正超级英雄的人 and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero.
你不会厌倦独来独往吗？ Aren't you tired of being on your own?
你不想知道有人想支持你吗？ Don't you wanna know someone's there for you?
有人会罩你？ Someone who's got your back?
你会完全照我的话做？ And you'll do anything I say?
完全照做 Anything.
打我 Hit me.
你是15岁女生 You're a 15-year-old girl.
搞什么？ What the hell?
举止像贱人，会被当成贱人扁 Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.
该死 Oh, goddamn.
明蒂三个星期以来每天拿我当手枪打 Mindy beat me like morning wood every day for three weeks.
来吧 加强防守！左，右，加强防守！ Come on. Guard up! Left, right, guard up!
即使我的神经末梢已经受损 Even with my damaged nerve endings,
还是疼的要命 it hurt like hell.
但是说来奇怪，我还算喜欢 But, in a weird way, I kinda liked it.
那令我有种使命感 It gave me a sense of purpose.
- 你的脸怎么了？ - 没什么 - What happened to your face? - Nothing.
像是我们朝某个目标前进 Like we were driving towards something.
该死的！ Goddamn!
太神了！ Oh, that's amazing!
其他戴上面具的人 All the other people putting on masks
只是在假扮超级英雄 were just playing superhero.
我们则为了当真而受训 We were training to really do it.
我大可告诉我的女友凯蒂 I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie,
或是马蒂、陶德 or Marty and Todd.
但是我不在乎，我们太过瘾了 But I didn't care. We were having too much fun.
左，右，左！ Left, right, left!
我们新的超级英雄团队 Our own superhero team.
一定会很屌 It was gonna be balls.
搞什么，妈？ What the hell, Mom?
你删除了摄像机里的新闻？ Did you delete the news off the DVR?
对，我删了，克里斯托弗 Yes. Yes, I did, Christopher.
那里面介绍海扁王 That was the one with Kick-Ass.
克里斯托弗 Oh, Christopher,
你不能再那么迷超级英雄了 you've gotta stop obsessing over this superhero.
他不是超级英雄，妈，他是谋杀犯 He is not a superhero, Mom, he's a murderer.
他将爸爸炸死，天杀的！ He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake!
你爸爸是死于火灾 Your father died in a fire.
火灾？你有什么毛病？ A fire? What is your problem?
你！你就是我的毛病！ You! You are my problem!
我试着把你调教成正常男孩！ I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy!
所以我们搬到了长岛 That's why we moved to Long Island
在你爸出意外之后 after your father's accident.
火箭炮不是意外 A bazooka is not an accident,
你这臆想症的贱货！ you delusional bitch!
这次谈话结束 This conversation is over.
好，那么我走了 Great. Then I'm leaving.
拜托，贾维尔，酷一点 Come on, Javier, be cool.
抱歉，克里斯，可是你妈雇佣我，不是要我耍酷 Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.
我恨你！ I hate you!
你要我在家自学，好像我是什么犯人！ You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!
你丢掉我的红旋风服装 You threw away my Red Mist costume.
天啊！问题不出在我！而是出在你！ God! I am not the problem! You are!
我-希-望-你-去-死！ I wish you were dead!
妈咪？ Mommy?
不要碰 Don't touch that.
对不起，这是什么？ Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?
最后的撒手锏 It's a last resort.
假如一切失败，你快要死时用 Like if all else fails and you're about to die.
你不怕死吗？ Are you not scared to die?
怕你永远长不大，裤子老是太大？ Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?
我说真的 I'm serious.
假设蜘蛛侠或蝙蝠侠有天晚上遇害呢？ What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night?
则有可能发生 It could happen.
假如你怕死 If you're scared of dying,
有件事很确定 one thing is certain,
你最后一定会死 you are going to die.
我爸爸从来不怕死 My daddy was never afraid of dying.
看他落得什么下场 Look where that got him.
他知道他有一天也许必须做出终极牺牲 He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day.
所以他要我保证 And that's why he made me promise
我绝不会停止捍卫城市 I'd never stop defending this city.
在我心头画十字 Cross my heart,
以死立誓 hope to die.
你爸发疯了 你也知道，对吧？ Your dad was insane. You know that, right?
你错了，戴夫 You're wrong, Dave.
我爸爸是第一位真正的超级英雄 My daddy was the first real superhero,
不是你或者红旋风 而是我爸爸 not you or Red Mist. It was my daddy,
与他并肩作战是一种荣耀 and it was an honor to serve by his side.
明蒂，学校还好吧？ Hey, Min, how was school?
超级疯狂 Super crazy.
穆林丝老师今天请假 Miss Mullins was out today,
所以由库伯老师教生物，脾气好臭 so we had Mr. Cooper leaching us biology, such a grump.
是吗？好奇怪 Oh, really? That's weird
因为辛默夫校长昨天打电话给我 because Principal Himoff called me yesterday.
你原本应该得到全勤奖 You were supposed to get an award for perfect attendance,
但是你没出席 but you didn't attend.
我今早跟踪你 I followed you this morning.
看到你跟一个男生坐进出租车 Saw you get into a cab with some boy,
我在桥上跟丢你们 and I lost you guys over the bridge.
所以你现在要不要告诉我你今天到底去哪里？ So now you wanna tell me where you really were today?
真的对不起，马库斯 I'm really sorry, Marcus.
我不想惹你生气 I didn't wanna make you mad.
少用眼泪攻势，明蒂 你15岁了，不是5岁 Cut the waterworks, Min. You're 15, not five.
好吧 Okay.
是他要我跷课去逛购物中心 Look, he asked me to cut class and go lo the mall.
所以，是的，是的，我去了 So, yeah, yeah, I did.
跟你当超杀女没关系？ This has nothing to do with you being Hit Girl?
我不会在你床底下找到忍者刀 I'm not gonna find any ninja blades
或者流星镖吧？ or throwing stars under your bed?
不，我只是想让他喜欢我，好吧？ No. I just wanted him to like me. Okay?
宝贝，跷课不是让男生喜欢你的正途 Sweetie, skipping school's not a way to get boys to like you.
我太傻了 I'm so stupid.
你是我认识最聪敏的女孩之一 You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
我们去买披萨 Let's go get some pizza.
什么，你说我没被禁足？ What, you mean I'm not grounded?
把这当成警告 Well, just consider this a warning.
你确定要把你妈的东西丢掉？ Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?
我留着她那些东西要干嘛？ What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?
不得了，她那对真漂亮 Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.
老兄，她死了！不要聊她奶子 Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits.
我说的是这些 I was talking about these.
那些啊，是我爸的 Oh, those. Those were my dad's.
不如你留着吧 Why don't you keep them?
你确定？ Are you sure?
对 它们是属于你的，对吧？ Yeah. I mean, they belong to you, right?
来吧，克里斯，现在你独立了 Come on, Chris. You're your own man now.
- 只是要小心，好吗？ - 好 - Just be careful, all right? - Yeah.
绝对不想留下它们！ Definitely don't wanna keep those!
不，由我来处理 I'll take care of it.
今天放你一天假，待会见 You take the day off. Later.
所以，我们准备开始第一场实地测试吗？ So, are you ready for your first field test?
我拿它们做什么？ What am I supposed to do with these?
戴上去，去钓人 Put them on and, uh, go fishing.
我是最白的皮条客 I'm the whitest pimp ever.
就是这种打算 That's the idea.
下次右转，出来走到平刷街 Take the next right. Comes out on Flatbush.
你确定我不该使用行头？ You sure I should be doing this without my gear?
这才是重点 That's the point.
海扁王不是只靠服装 Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
海扁王是你真正的本质 Kick-Ass is who you really are.
戴夫·莱佐斯基才是你的面具 Dave Lizewski is the mask.
我的面具快要被打断牙齿 Well, my "mask" is about to get his teeth kicked in.
嘿，同性恋诱饵 Hey, queer bait,
你拿那些袋子要去哪里？ where are you going with those bags, man?
跟他说你正要去用12寸假屌捅他妈 Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
我只是散步 I'm just taking a walk.
我不习惯这么做 This really isn't what I do.
我通常直接报警 I usually just call the cops.
你在跟谁讲话，小子？ Who are you talking to, man?
我只是在讲电话，是… Uh, I'm just on a call. It was...
这里的手机信号很烂 You know, service round here, it sucks, man.
现在把袋子给我，死基佬 Now give me the bags, faggot,
否则我要你吹我的肥屌 before I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
来吧 Come on.
好吧，好吧 Okay, okay.
你能相信我让明蒂把我打得稀巴烂好几周 Can you believe I let Mindy beat the snot out of me for weeks
好让我再次被人修理？ just so I could get my ass kicked again?
这算什么团队 So much for a team.
你真的死了？死基佬！ You ready to die? You faggot!
讲这么多歧视同性恋的话 You know, all that homophobic shit
让你听起来超娘 makes you sound super gay.
加入我再次逮到你抢劫，屎蛋 If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger,
我要学沙特阿拉伯的做法，剁掉你的手 I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off.
你这一生别想再犯罪 Promise me you're done with your life of crime.
我保证 I promise.
说谎不打草稿 Pants on fire.
- 你想如何？ - 我想你差点害死我！ - What do you think? - I think you almost got me killed!
不 你想我的台词怎么样？ No. What do you think of my line?
“说谎不打草稿” 我写了一大堆 "Pants on fire." I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
快跑！我会跟他们说你救了我 走！ Run! I'll tell them you saved me. Go!
女性嫌犯从平刷街逃逸 Female suspect fleeing Flatbush.
不到五尺高，戴着面罩 Under 5 feet. Masked.
持有双截棍和一把刀 Armed with nunchucks and a sword.
- 嘿，明蒂 - 嘿，马库斯，什么事？ - Hey, Min. - Hey, Marcus. What's up?
我看见你接听手机 I see you answered your phone.
说明人不在学校 That means you're not in school.
我本来在 I was,
但我觉得不太舒服 but I wasn't feeling so good,
所以护士决定让我回家 and so the nurse decided to send me home.
可怜啊，我快到家了 Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home.
我来煮汤，我们一起看《危机情境》！ I'll make soup and we can watch Jeopardy!
好，待会见，好吗？ All righty. I'll see you soon, okay?
好 All right.
该死！ Shit!
你端来我的汤？ You got my soup?
我先帮你量提问 Let me take your temperature first.
你出了好多汗 Oh, you're really clammy.
我睡一会就好了 I'll feel better after a nap-nap.
闭上眼睛，我端汤给你 Close your eyes. I'm gonna get you that soup.
那是血嘛？ Is that blood?
该死，明蒂，我不能这么下去了 Damn it, Mindy. I can't do this anymore.
你父亲就像我兄弟 Your father was like a brother to me.
他是很棒的警察，也是英雄 He was a great cop and a hero.
但是大老爸？那不是你父亲，好吗？ But Big Daddy? That was not your father, okay?
那是剥夺了你童年的人 That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.
至于这个？ And this?
超杀女？这不是你的本质 Hit Girl? That's not who you are.
你是明蒂·麦奎迪 You are Mindy Macready
刚开始上高中 and you're just starting high school.
我了解你还没找到自我 I understand that you don't know who that person is yet,
但是你会的，只要你不断尝试 but you will, you've just gotta try.
我不想 I don't want to.
你不知道你要什么 You don't know what you want.
你不行，你还不是成年人 You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.
我15年以来做过的事情 Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
比大部分成年人一生做的还多 than most adults have in their lifetime.
你父亲给你的那张字条 That note that your father gave you,
你要打开的那张字条 the one that you were supposed to open
要是出了什么事 if anything ever happened.
上面说什么？ What did it say?
说你会照顾我 That you would take care of me.
以及你应该听我的话，对吧？ And that you were supposed to listen to me, right?
所以听好 Well, listen up.
我要你去上学 I want you in school.
不要再跟那个男孩联络 I want you to stop talking to that boy.
我还要你向我保证 And I want you to promise me
永远不会在发生这种事 that this is never gonna happen again.
我在心头画十字 Cross my heart,
以死立誓 hope to die.
好 Good.
明蒂！ Mindy!
搞什么？ What the hell?
首先，你害我差点被干掉，然后放我鸽子 First you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
戴夫，对不起 Dave, I'm sorry.
说真的？ I mean, I... You are?
是的 I am.
对于这一切 For everything.
好的 Oh, okay, great.
我是说，我不会形容你擅长道歉 I mean, "apologetic" isn't a word I'd use to describe you.
我必须说几遍才行？ How many times do I have to say it?
我们快离开这里 Look, let's get out of here.
你必须下手轻点，我想我也许断了一根肋骨 You gotta ease up. I think I might have broken a rib.
戴夫，我不玩了 Dave, I'm done.
训练吗？ With training?
一切的事 With everything.
等等，你是指这一切？ Wait, you mean everything?
你不能这样 你是超杀女 You can't. You're Hit Girl.
我们要组队，你不能这样退出 We were gonna start a team, you can't just quit.
这是你的身份 This is who you are.
已经不是了，戴夫 Not anymore, Dave.
对不起，但是结束了 我不玩了 I'm sorry, but it's over. I'm done.
她刚跟他分手吗？ She just broke up with him?
不要烦我 Just leave me alone.
你别再道歉了好吗？ Will you stop apologizing?
我不知道什么事更糟糕 I don't know what's worse,
你跟九年级学生上床 that you're fucking a 9th-grader
还是被九年级学生甩掉 or that you just got dumped by one.
恋童癖怪胎 Pedophile freak.
事情不是这样 It's not like that
不然是怎样？告诉我 Then what is it like? Please, tell me.
我不能，会扯到那件事 I can't. It's to do with the Kick-Ass thing.
我告诉你一个秘密 I've got a secret for you.
记得马利克吗？ You remember Malik?
在针具换新处当义工的家伙？ Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?
他的棍子比海扁王的粗大多了 His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.
- 不 - 真的 - No. - Yeah.
棍子指的是老二 And by "baton," I mean penis.
对，我懂，谢了 Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
玩15岁女生让你关20年，变态 Fifteen gets you 20, pervert.
玩新人，戴夫？好色的老狗 A freshman, Dave? You old, salty dog.
有什么问题？ What's the problem?
送到嘴边的当然要吃，对吧？ Grass on the field, play ball. Right?
不，陶德 No, Todd.
克里斯，你的家教来了 Chris, your tutor's here.
克里斯！ Chris!
克里斯，你的… Chris, your...
要命 怎么回事？ Holy shit. What the hell is that?
我的命运 My destiny.
克里斯，只因你妈喜欢玩重口味 Chris, just because your mom liked to get a little freaky now.
我知道我该扮演什么角色，贾维尔 I know what my role is in this, Javier.
我爸是帮派老大，所以这很合理 My dad was a crime boss, so it just makes sense.
我是超级反派 这是演化 I'm a supervillain. It's evolution.
拜托，拜托 Come on, come on.
在你伤到别人前把它们放下，克里斯 Just put those things down before you hurt somebody, Chris.
我不叫那个名字 That's not my name.
好吧，好吧 红旋风… Okay, okay. Uh, Red Mist...
红旋风是我的超级英雄别名 Red Mist was my superhero name.
从现在起，我叫做… Henceforth I'll be known as
臭屁王 The Motherfucker.
明蒂退出后 After Mindy quit,
我决定不再打沙包了 I decided to stop hitting the heavy bag
而是上街头 and start hitting the streets.
海扁王，欢迎回来！ Hey, Kick-Ass, welcome back!
你很棒了，老兄！ You're the best, man!
唯一的问题是，我依然独立作战 Only problem, I was still on my own.
所以我上网，找到一位物理学教授 So I went online and found a physics professor
他自称“重力博士” calling himself "Dr. Gravity."
当然，他不是超杀女 Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
但我总得有个起步 but I had to start somewhere.
这是我发明的零重力装置 This is the zero G device that I invented.
能使高达一吨的物体升起 Can levitate any object up to a ton.
真的？ For real?
才怪，老兄，这是包锡箔纸的棒球棍 Hell, no, man. This is a baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
但是骗过了你 But it fooled you.
能给我一瓶健怡山露汽水吗？ Hey, could I get a Diet Mountain Dew, please?
我不是物理学教授 I'm not even a physics professor.
只是广告公司的广告文案 Just a copywriter for an ad agency.
这是我那么爱它的原因 But that's why I love this stuff.
你相当什么样的人都行 You can be anyone you want!
你以前跟很多人搭档过？ You done many team-ups before?
算是吧 对 不，不见得 Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.
我单打独斗有点紧张 I was getting kinda nervous about being on my own, you know?
我也是，我从来没参加过战斗 Yeah, me, too. I never even been in a fight.
希望你不必 Well, hopefully you won't have to.
我跟一个朋友谈到组队 I friended a guy talking about forming a team,
不知你是否有兴趣？ if you're interested.
不知道他有多认真 I don't know how serious he is,
可他的照片蛮猛的 but his picture was pretty hard core.
开玩笑，我因此才联络你 Are you kidding me? That's why I contacted you.
我不想太早提到，把你吓跑 I didn't wanna freak you out by bringing it up too soon.
我先去上厕所，再给你看他的档案 I'll show you his profile after I hit the men's room.
雷夫叔叔不会喜欢这种事，克里斯 Your Uncle Ralph's not gonna be happy about this, Chris.
我不叫那名字 That's not my name.
我不叫你的别名，别想 I'm not calling you that, forget it.
贾维尔，你为我爸工作过 Javier, you worked for my dad.
你也我妈工作过 现在你为我工作 Then you worked for my mom. Now you work for me.
我大概是纽约市最有钱的孩子 I'm probably the richest kid in New York City.
但是你不喜欢的话 But if you don't like that,
自己去找另一份工作，行吗？ find yourself another motherfucking job, okay?
喂，海扁王 Yo, Kick-Ass!
天啊，我真高兴见到你 Man, am I glad to see you.
有我能效劳的地方吗，先生？ Is there anything I can do to help, sir?
是的，我希望你能帮我 Yeah. I was hoping you can help me
在youtube上得到上百万点击 get a million hits on YouTube.
来吧 来吧 Come on. Come on.
天啊！ God!
跑，海扁王，跑！ Run, Kick-Ass, run!
肌肉男，去你们的！ Jersey Shore motherfucker!
怎么你们没兴趣公平竞争？ Hey, what, you not interested in a fair fight?
则不是公平竞争 That is no fair fight.
明天开小队会议 Team meeting tomorrow.
我把地址寄给你 I'll e-mail you the address.
小心重力博士 Beware Dr. Gravity!
你必须佩服博士的热忱 You had to admire the Doctor's enthusiasm.
我等不及想见他的朋友 I couldn't wait to meet his friends.
手举起来，春卷 Hands in the air, Spring Roll.
收银机的钱全拉出来，别做傻事 Empty the register and don't do anything stupid.
快! 你的监视摄像头呢？ Come on! Hey, where are your security cameras?
- 我们没装 太贵了 - 真的？ - We don't have them. Too expensive. - Seriously?
搞什么？要怎么传播开来？ What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
你想上镜？ You want to be filmed?
闭嘴，趴在地上！ Shut up and just get on the ground!
你最好跟人说臭屁王来过 And you'd better tell people The Motherfucker was here.
你有什么毛病？ What's wrong with you, boy?
你也趴在地上，甘道夫 Get on the floor, too, Gandalf,
否则我打得你屁滚尿流 or I will bust a cap in your ass.
脸会炸的稀巴烂 You're gonna bust your own face when that gun kicks
你不拿好枪的话 if you don't hold it properly.
快趴到地上！ Just get on the ground!
天啊，你快点行不行？ God, will you hurry up!
我早说过 I told you.
走！走！快走！ Go! Go, go, go!
开车！快走！快！ Start the car! Go, go!
太神奇了！ It was amazing!
我觉得好有活力 I feel so alive.
我知道我是谁 知道我为何来到世界 I know who I am. I know why I'm here.
我要恶搞这个世界！ I'm gonna fuck this world up!
他们会知道臭屁王的名字！ They will know The Motherfuckers name!
你为我找到了综合格斗型的狠角色来训练我，对吗？ You've gotta find me some bad-ass MMA types to train me, okay?
就像查克·里德尔那种 Like a Chuck Liddell or whoever.
干，我不在乎花钱 Fuck, I don't care how much it costs.
我只想赤手空拳杀了海扁王 I just wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
我要发条推特 I gotta tweet about this.
在农村街的墨菲酒吧后面，你应该来，你爸会希望你来
我不能加入团队，因为爸爸，你不懂的 - 再见
好，你准备好了吗？ All right. Are you ready?
我不知道 我准备好了吗？ Um, I don't know. Am I?
对，你准备好了 你看来很棒 Yes, you are. You look great.
芭芭拉的女儿，布鲁克，很好 And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
我该跟他们聊什么？ What am I supposed to talk to them about?
我宁愿受水刑也不想听贾斯汀·比伯 I'd rather be water-boarded than listen to Justin Bieber.
- 你会没事的 - 我会很惨的 - You're gonna be fine. - I'm gonna be a disaster.
你怎么知道？ How do you know that?
因为这是睡衣派对，我去 Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake.
投一块钱，放进去 Dollar. Jar.
脏话罐 (Swear Jar)
你需要大一点的罐子 You're gonna need a bigger jar.
酷吧，酒吧是这样运送的 Pretty cool, huh? This is how the beer gets delivered.
老兄，你有秘密电梯 Dude. You got a secret elevator
通往你的地下总部 to your underground headquarters.
对，我提到的那个人拥有这个地方 Yeah. The guy I told you about owns this place.
很像真实生活中的蝙蝠洞 It's like a real-life bat-cave.
我知道，对吧 I know, right.
这是我见过最棒的事情 This is the single greatest thing I've ever seen.
欢迎来到正义永存联盟 Welcome to Justice Forever.
你好，威廉警探 这位一定是明蒂 Hi, Detective Williams. This must be Mindy.
是的 你好，布鲁克 It is. Hi, Brooke.
你们女生好好玩 You girls have fun
我早上来接你，好吗？ and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?
我会是割腕的那个 I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
不，你会是指甲修过的那个 No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.
- 是吗？ - 是的 - I am? - Oh, yeah.
向明蒂问“好”，小姐们 Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
我认得你 I know you.
你是那个新人 You're that freshman
玩弄戴夫·莱佐斯基的荧光棒 who took a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
我没玩弄… I did not ride his...
假如你只是帮他吹，还算处女对吧？ If you just blew him, you're totes a virgin, right?
她没吹过他，看看她 She didn't blow him, look at her.
舔后庭？打手枪？指交？ Then what? Rim job? Hand job? Fingerbang?
你至少亲过他吧？ Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at least kissed him, right?
当然 Totes.
你从来没亲过男生是不是？ You've never kissed a boy, have you?
天啊，真是可爱 Oh, my God, that is so adorable.
也许她是男人婆 Maybe she's a dyke.
也许我一脚踩烂你的XX Maybe I'll jam my foot up your snatch.
她讲话真贱，我喜欢 Oh, she's super bitchy, I likes.
这有什么大不了？ Then what's the big deal anyway?
让男人舌头舔有什么好的？ What could be so great about gagging on some douche-bag's tongue?
简直棒极了 It's pretty fucking great.
你知道看了英国帮的影片会有什么感觉？ You know how you feel when you watch that video by Union J?
不得了，你不知道 Holy shit, you don't know?
这会改变你的人生 This will change your life.
♪ Don't ever say you're lonely ♪
♪ Just lay your problems on me ♪
♪ And I'll be waiting there for you ♪
你们喜欢这种玩意 You guys love this shit
比动漫宅男史丹·李强多了 more than fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
谁是史丹·李？ Who's Stan Lee?
♪ I'll carry you I'll carry you ♪
♪ I'll carry you ♪
♪ So you know that I'll carry you ♪
♪ I'll carry you ♪
♪ Like you've been running for hours ♪
♪ And can't catch your breath ♪
♪ The demons are screaming so loud in your head ♪
♪ You're tired You're broken ♪
♪ You're cut and you're bruised ♪
♪ But nothing's too heavy Just hold on ♪
♪ I'll carry you ♪
那是什么该死玩意？ What the fuck was that?
我懂，对吧？我湿了 I know, right? I'm soaked.
那个？那是你的本性，明蒂 That? That is who you are, Mindy.
你也许穿着言行不像我们 You may not dress like us or talk like us,
但是谈到男生，我们都一样 but when it comes to boys, we're all the same.
暮光之城 查宁·塔图姆 英国帮 Twilight. Channing Tatum. Union J.
这是生物因素，贱货 不要抗拒 It's biology, bitch. Don't fight it.
我… I...
我要走了 I gotta go.
可我们要去罗根家洗盐浴 But we were gonna go and get high on bath salts at Logan's house.
明蒂，我想给你的机会 Mindy, I wanna give you a chance
班上其他女生拼死都想拥有 that the rest of the girls in our class would kill for.
你难道不想每天出门时 Don't you wanna walk out the door every day
穿着贴身衣物？ in skin-tight clothes
知道每个人都崇拜你吗？ knowing that everyone warships you?
你难道不想晚上溜出门 Don't you wanna sneak out at night,
搞的小小天翻地覆 raise a little hell,
让世界知道一个强悍的 and show the world what a strong,
独立的女性有什么能力？ independent woman is capable of?
你不想有归宿感吗？ Don't you wanna belong?
♪ So you know that I'll carry you ♪
我能穿这件去罗根家吗？ Can I wear this to Logan's?
一定很过瘾 It's gonna be so much fun.
我们试过找警察，也试过联络报社 So we tried the cops and tried the newspapers,
甚至在网上 and even set up a, you know, a thing on the Internet
让大家帮我们寻找汤米 for people to help us find Tommy.
但是我们什么收获都没有 But we got nothing.
我们再也没见过儿子 We never saw our son again.
我想出“记住汤米”这个名字 I came up with the name Remembering Tommy,
我们每周有3晚这么做，于是… and, uh, we've been doing this three nights a week. So...
星条旗上校在网上找到我们 Colonel Stars and Stripes found us online.
太可怕了，两位 我真遗憾 That's terrible, guys. I'm real sorry.
我成为暗夜骚货 I became Night Bitch
在我姐妹被谋杀并抛尸垃圾堆后 after my sister was murdered and found in a dumpster.
该死的 Holy shit.
她不能死而复生 Doesn't bring her back,
但至少我有积极作为 but at least I'm doing something positive about it.
虫人 Insect Man.
我因为是同志，一生遭受欺凌 I've been bullied my whole life for being gay,
所以我现在力挺无力反击的人 so now I stand up for the defenseless.
因此我不戴面具 That's why I don't wear a mask.
不想被逼回柜中 Too much like being back in the closet.
你的心地正当 Long as your heart's in the right place,
我们不在乎你嘴巴含什么 we don't care what you put in your mouth.
- 击拳 - 谢谢 谢谢，先生 - Fist bump. - Thank you. Thank you, sir.
我成为单挑王 Well, I became Battle Guy
我父母听完歌剧回家途中被抢劫杀害后 after my parents were mugged and killed coming home from the opera.
我会跟你说那个病态混蛋 Did I tell you that sick bastard
上色情网站刷爆他们信用卡吗？ maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?
我希望我们有机会认识那家伙 I hope we get the chance to say hello to this guy someday
我才有机会亲自让他灵肉分离 so I can personally levitate his soul from his body.
我的天，马蒂？ Oh, my God. Marty?
对，我就知道我认得你的声音 Yeah, I knew I recognized your voice.
我不知道你在讲什么 No, I don't know what you're talking about.
我不认识什么马蒂 新来的 I don't know no Marty. New guy.
嘿，混蛋，是我，戴夫 Hey, asshole, it's me, Dave.
戴夫？你为何打扮成海扁王？ Dave? Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
因为我就是海扁王 Because I'm Kick-Ass.
你们两人认识？ You two know each other?
对，我们五岁开始 Yeah, like since we were five.
你在胡说什么父母被杀？ What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
嘴巴干净点 什么？ Yeesh, language. What?
单挑王，要更新你的履历吗？ Battle Guy, care to update your resume?
我正在想该怎么解释 I'm trying to figure out how to explain this
听起来才不会完全像白痴 without sounding like a complete idiot right now.
我觉得不太可能，蝙蝠侠 Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
我也是 I'm not, either.
好，当我在网上发现你们 Okay. Well, when I found you guys online,
你们都交换很棒的起源故事 you were all swapping these awesome origin stories.
上校，你是前黑帮，天啊 I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
别白白浪费老天之名 Don't take the Lord's name in vain.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我只是以为你们不会让我加入 I didn't think you'd let me join the team
除非我也讲出好故事来 unless I had a good story, too.
好，我们这次不追究你 All right, we'll let you off the hook this time,
单挑王 Battle Guy.
想看酷玩意吗？ Wanna see something cool?
我想这里能当我们的会议室 I thought this could be our meeting room.
这里好酷 Whoa, this is so cool.
这个装修小工程完全隐秘 Now this little renovation was totally clandestine,
所以没人知道 which means nobody knew about it.
我知道则不算什么 Now, I know it's not much,
但这只是开始 but this is just the beginning.
团结一致，我们能促成改变 Together we can make a real difference.
假如你愿意考虑，海扁王 If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass,
有你加入是我们的荣幸 we'd be honored to have you join us.
当然好！ Hell, yeah!
这是我想听到的回答 That's what I like to hear.
好，入会仪式开始 Right, time for initiation.
转过去，我帮你脱衣服 Turn around and I'll unzip you.
对不起，你说什么？ I'm sorry, what?
只是开个玩笑，现在谈正事 Just joking. Let's get down to business.
有了 Gotcha.
你在这里 There you are.
我们帮你留了位置，但是你一直没出现 We saved you a seat in the caf, but you never showed.
我通常前往橄榄园餐厅补充糖类 I usually head over to the Olive Garden to carb load.
我一岁生日后就没吃过糖 I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
我们需要瘦身吗？ Do we need a thintervention?
来吧，瘦身的最好方法 Come on, best way to tighten up a tummy
就是加入舞蹈校队 is varsity dance team.
报名表刚出来 The sign-up sheet just went up.
我还是不敢相信 海扁王 It's still blowing my mind. Kick-Ass.
就好像发现你最好的朋友 It's like finding out your best friend's
一直是威尔史密斯 always been Will Smith, you know?
伙计们 你们在讲什么？ Hi, guys. What are you talking about?
没什么 Nothing.
- 没什么？ - 是的，陶德，没什么 - Nothing? - Yeah, Todd, nothing.
好的，待会见 All right. See you around, guys.
陶德，等等 Todd, wait.
- 看路 - 看你妹 - Ow, watch it. - Watch me end your life.
算了 Come on. Forget it.
就是一个傻蛋 Just one of the dickheads
在推特上追随臭屁王 that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
谁？ Who?
臭屁王 The Motherfucker.
他自称世界第一超级反派 He's some guy claiming to be the world's first supervillain.
有上千追随者 He's got 1,000 followers already.
烂货 What an asshole.
上！ Get some!
你行的，臭屁王！ You got this, Motherfucker!
你想他有机会？ You really think he's got a shot?
假如我觉得没有不会收他钱 I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.
格斗就像象棋 MA is like chess.
重点在于步伐 It's all about the moves.
你的那小子很懂基本要点 And your boy really knows his stuff.
准备领死吧，sb Time to die, asshole.
- 没事把？ - 没事 - You all right? - I'm cool.
很好的一拳 很不错，朋友 Good job. Nice jab, buddy.
来吧，保持灵活，注意步伐 Come on, stay loose, baby. Walk it off, walk it off.
该死！ Shit!
他弄断了我的腿！ Oh, you broke my leg!
- 快想办法 - 大家休息一下 - Do something. - Let's take a break.
好的，休息一下，伙计们 Yeah, yeah, let's take a break, guys.
这是街头规则，贱货！ Street rules, bitch!
查克，把这家伙拉开 Chuck! Get this girl off me!
嘿，你在干嘛？你在干嘛？ Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, man?
你还好吗，克里斯？你还好吗，哥们？ You all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?
放开我！我本来快赢了 Get off me! I was winning.
不，你在哭 No, you were crying.
知道吗？去你的 You know what? Screw this.
我的超能力是超级有钱 My super power is that I'm rich as shit.
想为我工作吗？ Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
想帮我揍人吗？ You wanna beat people up for me?
- 当然 - 好！ - Sure. - All right!
咱们帮你弄面具和服装 Let's get you a mask and a costume,
我们叫你“黑死病” and we will call you Black Death.
你不觉得那非常种族歧视？ you don't think that's just a little bit incredibly racist?
我才不管 I don't give a shit.
我要你放出风声 I want you to put the word out
我愿意付钱 that I'm willing to pay top dollar
请城里每一个打手 for every hired hitter in town.
来吧，来吧 我们来谈谈 Come on, come on. Just talk about it first
有钱好办事 Money talks.
你要我独立自主 You wanted me to be my own man.
结果就是这样 This is what it looks like.
- 好吧，好吧，我去找 - 好！ - All right, all right, I'll make some calls. - Yes!
还有谁相当超级反派？ Anybody else wanna be a supervillain?
我比小屌男查克出钱更多 Promise I pay better than Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
- 你叫我什么？ - 不，不 - What did you call me? - No, no, man.
他脑袋被驴踢了 不知道他在说什么 He took a hit to the head. Doesn't know what he's saying.
我一直在上保德尔教练的私人课程 I've been studying privately with Coach Podell.
提到上课 And by studying,
意思是我们买通她选我进校队 I mean my mom paid her off to make me varsity.
所以假如你有点舞技 So, if you're half decent,
我相信她也会让你进 I'll make sure she puts you on the team.
至少当候补 At least as an alternate.
你愿意为我这么做？ You'd do that for me?
好朋友要团结 Besties stick together.
如果布鲁克想要宠物，她去养狗就好了 If Brooke wants a pet, she should just get a dog.
她想依自己形象从新打造明蒂 She's just trying to recreate Mindy in her own image.
小姐们请坐好，开始了 All right, ladies, have a seat. Let's get started.
明蒂·麦奎迪？ Mindy Macready?
别紧张 只要别摔倒就能入选 Chill. As long as you don't fall on your face, you're in.
上吧 Go.
四个攻击者 Four attackers.
无路可逃 No escape.
天啊，你一定能当队长 Oh, my God. You could totally make captain.
比布鲁克跳的好多了 That was so much better than Brooke's.
天啊 Oh, my God.
布鲁克根本没有机会当上队长 Brooke doesn't stand a chance for captain after that.
一群使用假名的人 A bunch of people with made-up names
穿着自制服装 standing around in homemade costumes,
在网上寻找未破的案件 searching the web for unsolved crimes.
漫画英雄都有价值亿万的基地 The comic book heroes all have billion-dollar bases
在月球上设有总部 and headquarters on the moon,
但是这是现实世界 but this is the real world.
- 色阶，红白蓝三色 - 好棒 - scales, like a red, white and blue. - It's awesome.
- 那是什么？ - 砖头 - What's that? - Brick.
对 Right.
- 效果怎样？ - 效果不错 - What do you think? - I think it does the job.
应该善有善报恶有恶报 People should get what they deserve.
流落街头的家庭值得一顿热食 Family living in the street deserves a hot meal.
醉醺醺的女大学生 An inebriated college girl
值得晚上平安回家 deserves to make it home safe at night.
至于变态，恋童癖 And a pervert, pedophile,
值得用艾森豪威尔对付 deserves a visit from Eisenhower.
咬！ Schwantz!
别捏紧拳头打击 You don't wanna hit with your closed fist.
手可能受伤，然后你会毫无防御力 You might break your hand, then you're defenseless.
你应该打开手掌找支撑点 You wanna hit with open palm and pivot. Open palm and pivot.
打开手掌 Grab the back.
我从来没有入选过橄榄球队 I never made varsity football
或者选进校内舞台剧演出 or got cast in the school play.
我连荣誉榜都没上过 Hell, I never even made honor roll.
打我啊，贱人！ Knock out, bitch!
但是假如我入选过 But if I had,
我必须相信感觉很想这样 I gotta believe it would've felt a lot like this.
当警察不再能保家为民 When the cops can no longer protect and serve,
你得到警告了，抢匪，手举起来，变态 be warned, mugger, heads up, perv.
我们有力量，我们有胆量 We got the strength, we got the nerve
给那些有需要的人应有的待遇 to give those in need what they deserve!
正义永存 Justice Forever!
我们是终极小集团 We were in the ultimate clique.
就算其他人都不知道也没关系 It didn't matter that no one else knew.
我们知道就好 我们觉得想摇滚巨星 We knew. And we felt like rock stars.
晚上好，伙计们 干得好 单挑王 Good night, guys. Nice job. Battle Guy.
晚上好，上校 谢谢这一切 Night, Colonel. Thanks for everything.
不，孩子，谢谢你 No, son, thank you.
你为我们证明每个人都能造成改变 You showed us that every man can make a difference.
少了海扁王，我们没人会在这里 Without Kick-Ass, none of us would be here.
发自内心，别冲昏头 That's from the heart. Don't let it go to your head.
我没那么累 I'm not really that tired.
好 Okay.
我们继续戴着面具 Let's leave the masks on.
怎么样？ Yeah?
好！ Yeah!
今晚的第一项重大行动 First big mission's tonight
这可不是社区服务 and it's not community service.
我们要挑战想不到坏的人 We're taking on some real bad guys.
怎么？你的队伍对付不了？ What, can't your team handle it?
他们跟你不同，明蒂 They're not you, Mindy.
记住汤米是卖干果的 Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit business.
暗夜骚货是教芭蕾的 Night Bitch teaches ballet.
暗夜骚货？ Night Bitch?
她是什么？超级英雄还是拍三级片？ What is she? A superhero or a soft core porno?
也许两种都有点 Maybe a little bit of both.
天啊，你上了她？ Oh, God, you're plugging her?
我要吐了 I'm gonna vom.
你就像忍者 You're like a ninja.
你就不能等马库斯睡着了溜出来吗？ Can't you just sneak out after Marcus goes to sleep?
你不懂，戴夫 You don't get it, Dave.
我向马库斯承诺过 I made a promise to Marcus.
打破承诺，你是超级英雄记得吗？ So break it. You're a superhero, remember?
明蒂·麦奎迪只是伪装 Mindy Macready's just a disguise.
我不知道暗夜妓女是哪门子超级英雄 Yeah, well, I don't know what kind of superhero Night Whore is,
但是你假如以为我会说话不算话 but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
你根本不了解我 you obviously have no idea who I am.
我知道舞蹈队 I know that making dance team
不能使你不再实现自我 doesn't make you stop being who you are.
我知道超杀女一点也不在乎 I know Hit Girl couldn't give a shit
高中女生喜欢搞什么 about what high school girls are into.
我知道你不会去约会的 I know that you wouldn't go on a date
就算你命悬这一线了 if your life depended on it.
去死吧，戴夫 Go to hell, Dave.
怎样？你知道我说对了 What? You know I'm right.
类固醇大王 Roid Rage.
我？ Me?
你想不想和我约会？ You wanna take me on a date sometime?
好，当然 Uh, yeah. Sure.
我叫西蒙 My name's, um, Simon.
很好，西蒙 Great, um, Simon.
约会一言为定 It's a date.
明蒂，对不起 Mindy, I'm sorry.
有问题吗，明蒂？ Is there a problem, Min?
无 Zero.
好 我不喜欢问题 Good. Because I don't like problems.
戴夫，你最近晚上偷溜出门？ Dave, you been sneaking out at night?
莱波特太太说 Mrs. Neipert said
看到你凌晨两点离开 she thought she saw you leaving at 2:00 in the morning.
莱波特太太疯了，爸 Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
她想教她的狗说西班牙语 She tried to teach her dog Spanish.
你在嗑药吗？ Are you on drugs?
说真的？ Seriously?
我必须问 I gotta ask.
你是我最好的朋友，可是你长得太快 You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.
向我保证你不会做傻事 Promise me you're not doing anything foolish?
我保证 Yeah, I promise.
这样对我就够了，朋友 Good enough for me, pal.
你太聪明，不会做出傻事 You're too smart to do anything stupid.
正义永存！ Justice Forever!
我很高兴你能发泄出来 I'm glad you got that out of your system.
陶德发信息给我，又来了 Oh, Todd texted me. Again. What a loser.
老兄，星条旗上校有多猛？ Dude, how bad-ass is Colonel Stars and Stripes?
对，我还是不敢相信他以前当黑帮打手 Yeah, I still can't believe he's an ex-mob enforcer.
你怎么从那身份变成超级英雄 I mean, how do you go from that to being a superhero?
他信基督得重生 He's a born-again Christian.
闭嘴 Shut up.
我希望他应付的了今晚 Let's hope he can handle tonight.
我想我们快知道了 I guess we're about to find out.
其他队员在哪里？ Where's the rest of the team?
重力博士得了流感 Dr. Gravity has the flu,
记得汤米有一张摩门经的票，所以… and Remembering Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...
没关系 That's okay.
我们五个够了 Five of us should do.
你认为这个人怎么赚钱的？拉皮条？ How did you say this guy made his money, sir? Prostitution?
不只是女孩，还有小孩 Not just girls. Kids.
从农村船运送过来的 Ships them in from villages back home.
警察睁一只眼闭一只眼 Boneheads in blue take a blind eye.
你怎么知道他今晚在这？ How do you know he's here tonight?
因为周四是扑克之夜 Because Thursday night is poker night.
每周都是同样的五个人 Same five low-lifes every week.
有恶习的人不难找 Man with a habit ain't hard to find.
计划是什么？我们偷偷留进去？ So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in?
我想我们敲门 I thought we'd knock.
- 什么？ - 这样更礼貌 - What? - It's more polite.
大家冷静点 Stay frosty, team.
我以前拿这种小喽啰当早饭吃 I used to eat punks like this for breakfast.
耶和华见证人！ Jehovah's Witness!
跟你1万
老大，外面有人
看看是谁 你站那儿干吗的，打飞机啊？
到你了
对不起，我刚走神了 I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second.
你说我们要对方5个匪徒？ Did you say that we're going up against five gangsters?
加上保镖是6个 And bouncer makes six.
再加四分之三 And three-quarters.
你想干嘛？ What the fuck do you want?
晚上好，年轻人 我想跟金·吉米聊聊 Good evening, young man. We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.
假如方便的话 If it's not too inconvenient
赶紧滚蛋吧 Get the fuck out of here
不然我就扭断你的头，混蛋 before I tear your head off, you old fuck.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我想我们有麻烦了 I think we're in trouble.
我实在不了解为何有人觉得需要 I just don't understand why people feel the need
出口成脏 to use that kind of language.
他来了 There he goes.
老天啊 Oh, sweet Jesus.
单挑王 Battle Guy,
我不是给你说过不要有事没事提到天吗？ what did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
对不起，先生 Sorry, sir.
艾森豪威尔，准备好 Eisenhower, at the ready.
虫人，到我后面 Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
其他人分开逮住别的人 Everybody else spread out, catch the strays.
试着玩得痛快 And try to have fun,
否则这么做干嘛？ otherwise what's the point?
排队不错，有人想跳舞吗？ Nice party. Anybody wanna dance?
你们要去哪？ Where are you going?
很好 小心后面！ Very nice. Behind you!
当心小鸟 Watch the birdie.
别动 Don't you move.
暗夜骚货！小心后面！ Night Bitch! Behind you!
等等！ Wait.
小心！ Look out!
我抓住他的手臂了 Okay, I got his right arm.
你嘴里塞满东西时不该讲话 You know, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full.
那很粗鲁，来吧 It's very rude. Come on.
你们是什么人？ Who the hell are you?
我们是好人 We're the good guys.
不，你们是作死的人 Oh, no, you're the fucking dead guys.
艾森豪威尔！咬！ Eisenhower! Schwantz!
上！ on!
女孩们在哪？ Where are the girls?
快点，老兄，我有心脏问题 Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.
是吗？ Oh, yeah?
不是 No.
你想要我帮你解决？ Do you want me to solve that for you?
好，女孩们在楼上公寓里 Okay. The girls are upstairs in the apartments.
我弟弟在管钱 My little brother, he's on the till-
他是大学生 He's just a college kid.
- 海扁王，暗夜骚货 - 就来 - Kick-Ass, Night Bitch. - On it.
雷夫·达米克会杀了你们 Ralph D'Amico is gonna end you for this.
好痛！ It hurts!
是啊，有只狗在咬你的蛋 Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.
你要钱吗？桌上有五万块 You want money? There's 50 grand on the table.
求你了让它停下！求你了！ Please just make him stop! Please!
你以为能收买我们？你是这么想的？ You think you can buy us? Is that what you think?
我们不是来抢钱的 We're not here to steal from you.
我们是来给你们这些混账捎信的 We're here to send a message to all the other bottom-dwellers.
- 我们要你们关门大吉 - 快点 - We're shutting you down. - Come on.
外面有受虐妇女庇护所的货车 There is a van waiting outside from a battered women's shelter.
他会带你们去安全地点 It'll take you some place safe.
- 走 走吧 - 我们不能离开 - Go. Go. - We really can't leave.
我们没有钱 We have no money.
单挑王，桌上有多少钱？ Battle Guy, how much they have on the table?
我想有五万块 Oh, it's like 50 grand.
你们现在钱够了 You got plenty now.
谢谢 Thank you.
大家做得好 Good job, guys.
非常干净利落 Very tidy. Very tidy.
怎不敢相信，你用钱指着那人 I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
你真的会开枪吗？ Were you really gonna shoot him?
我告诉你一个秘密 Let you in on a little secret.
没子弹，别告诉坏人 Empty. Don't tell the bad guys.
原谅我的粗话，上校 Pardon my language, Colonel,
你他妈真有种 but you have got some serious balls.
绝对比金先生有种 Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
“有只狗在咬我的蛋” "There's a dog on my balls."
该死 God damn it.
- 贾维尔！ - 发生什么事了？ - Javier! - What happened?
有个小弟发给我有关妓院报道的链接 Some douche just posted a link to a story about a whorehouse,
说海扁王破坏了他们 says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.
搞什么？我的手下呢？ What the hell? Where's my crew?
克里斯，每个人都… Chris, everybody's just...
你们先离开一下好吗？ Uh, can you ladies excuse us for a second?
她们能听 Uh, no, they're my sidekicks.
不，她们是我的跟班 They can listen to what we have to say.
他们不是你的跟班，克里斯 They're not your sidekicks, Chris.
她们是妓女和目击者 They're prostitutes and witnesses, come on.
好吧，抱歉，别介意. All right. Sorry, no offense.
每个人都太害怕雷夫叔叔 Everybody's just too afraid of your Uncle Ralph
接手这工作 to take the job.
但是他在坐牢 But he's in prison.
没错，他现在掌控家族 Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.
他要每个人保持低调 And he wants everybody to lay low.
但是算你好运 But, fortunately for you,
大汤尼不懂保持低调，所以他在这 Big Tony doesn't know how to lay low, so he's in.
- 我不记得大汤尼 他块头大吗？ - 他爱说反话 - I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge? - He's ironic.
五尺四寸，但是凶狠的要命 5 foot 4, but mean as shit.
他杀人杀得性起 He's go! such a hard-on for killing people.
- 他个子小，但是爱杀人 - 对 - He's little and he kills. - Right.
叫他“恶瘤” Call him "The Tumor,"
下一个是谁？ Who's next?
有个前三合会的想找个工作 All right, we've got an ex-Triad member looking for work.
简单，“成吉痴汉” 来吧 Easy, "Genghis Carnage." Come on.
你不能老是用种族印象取名，克里斯 You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
这只是原型，继续 Archetypes. Keep going.
好，还有卡特莲娜 丹布罗斯基 We got, uh, Katarina Dumbrovski.
等等…还有女的？ Wait, wait. A chick?
是的 Yeah.
你说你雇佣女的？ Seriously, you hired a chick?
对 他是前克格勃特工 Yeah. Former KGB.
被关在古拉格，直到她吃掉狱友 She was locked up in the Gulag until she ate her eel/mate.
好吧 “俄国大妈” Okay. "Mother Russia."
俄国大妈和臭屁王都在同一队里？ Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team?
那没用的，克里斯 That doesn't work, Chris.
我没让你提建议，混蛋 I am not asking for suggestions, asshole.
给他们服装，让他们准备好！ Just get them costumes and get them ready!
干 Shit.
贾维尔，谢谢 Javier, thank you.
我没有你就做不到 I couldn't do this without you.
你就是我剩下的唯一家人 You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
没问题，我罩你 Not a problem, man. I got your back.
你有点像阿福雷德，我则是邪恶的布鲁斯·韦恩 It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
你刚说我是你该死的管家？ Did you just call me your fucking butler?
对，那不是赞美吗？ Yeah, is that not a compliment?
妈的，是我不好 Shit. My bad.
大部分夜晚没什么动静 There wasn't much action most nights.
我是说，暗夜骚货总是有点动静 I mean, there was always a little action with Night Bitch.
但是身为超级英雄，实际上是经常巡逻 The reality of being a superhero is lots of patrols.
但那没阻止人们要求加入 But that didn't stop people from begging to join up.
我们有了很多新成员 With all our new members,
假如不问陶德，似乎没道理 it seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
别偷看，你要毁掉它了 Stop peeking, man, you're gonna ruin it.
请看 Check it out.
你不能窜这种衣服打击犯罪 You can't fight crime in that
你裤子紧得青蛙眼原形毕露 Your pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
什么是“青蛙眼”？ What the hell's "frog-eye"?
- 男性的骆驼指 - 什么？ - Male camel toe. - What?
我也不太确定想用你提出的那些名字 I'm not really sure about these names, either.
“海扁男” "Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
“海扁博士” "Dr. Kick-Ass"? Yeah.
对，他们听起来都类似 Yeah, they all kinda seem derivative.
我来翻译一下 Let me translate that.
你不能只是抄袭戴夫的别名，马屁精 You can't just copy Dave's name, you knob-gobbler.
好吧 Okay.
等等 我想到了 Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
我想到了 我想到了 I got it. I got it.
扁海王 "Ass Kicker"
说真的？ Seriously?
你好缺德，马蒂 You're such a dick, Marty.
所以你才不传短信给我 I know this is why you guys aren't texting me back,
我不是白痴 I'm not an actual idiot.
你可以骗过我，扁海王 Well, you could have fooled me, Ass-Licker.
- 去你们的 - 陶德… - Yeah. well, screw you guys. - Todd...
你们去死吧 No, really. Fuck you guys.
我去找自己的小队 I'm gonna go find my own team.
陶德 等等 别这样 Todd. Wait. Come on.
陶德说得对，我们很缺德 Todd was right, we were being dicks.
但是老实说 But the truth is,
我唯一想找来的人是明蒂 the only person I really wanted on the team was Mindy,
但是她不想再当超级英雄 but she was too busy trying not to be a superhero.
好吧，明蒂，他来了 Okay, Min, he's here.
你第一次约会，感觉怎么样？ Your first big date. How are you feeling?
就像大老爸第一次派我 Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into
只带一把小刀闯毒穴 a crack den with nothing but a penknife.
有点七上八下 I've got some butterflies.
你只要做好自己，让我负责紧张 You just be yourself and you let me be nervous.
不用担心我 Don't worry about me.
我能用他自己的手指杀了他 I can kill a man with his own finger.
我建议你别用这句话做开场白 A word of advice, I wouldn't open with that.
谢谢你终于答应让我带你出去 Thanks for letting me finally take you out.
要不我怎样要你别再打电话？ how else was I gonna get you to stop calling?
- 谢谢 - 不客气 - Thanks. - You're welcome.
我们去哪？ Where are we going?
参加派对 To a party.
为什么选这么荒凉的地方派对 Why is this party in the middle of nowhere?
因为酒桶派对经常都在这办 Because that's where keg parties usually are, right?
我想我们最先到 Guess we're the first ones here.
这种地方不适合办派对，笨蛋 This isn't where you have a party, moron.
这地方适合抛尸 This is where you dump a dead body.
有什么问题吗？ What's your problem?
对不起 I'm sorry.
我不会再那么刻薄 I'll stop being such a bitch.
其实你似乎是好人 You actually seem like a nice guy.
嗯… So, um...
你想不想打炮？ You wanna hook up?
还是个大白痴 And a total idiot.
西蒙，回车上去 Simon, get back in the car.
快！ Now!
你到了 Yay, you made it.
布鲁克？ Brooke?
这是为了祝贺你的 This is to celebrate you.
祝贺？ Celebrate?
你是多么没救的人啊 What a total loser you are.
我们甩掉没用的人 And we ditch losers.
可怜的明蒂 你觉得呢？ Poor Mindy. What did you think?
酷小孩看到你有点特别 The cool kids saw something special in you
邀请你参加第一次派对 and invited you to your first party
你在那里喝第一杯啤酒 where you'd sip your first beer
还能第一次跟人嘴对嘴？ and finally suck face for the first time?
简单说吧，你不特别 Newsflash, you're not special.
跟蜂后对着干，你会盯得满头包 Fuck with the queen bee and you're gonna get stung.
甩掉约会对象 Date ditch.
在我家开派对！ Party at my house!
真可怜 Pathetic.
西蒙，开车送我们 Simon, you can drive us.
戴夫？ Dave?
天啊！明蒂？ Oh, my God! Mindy?
老天啊，怎么了？ Holy shit. What are you doing?
我只是我想见我的罗宾 Just needed to see my Robin, I guess.
你还好吧？ Are you okay?
我不知道该怎么办 I don't know what to do.
那些女生，她们… Those girls, they're...
她们好邪恶 They're evil.
高中就是这样 有谁在乎呢？ It's just high school. Who gives a shit?
你应该来到真实世界 You should be out there in the real world
让它变得更美好的地方 making it a better place.
戴夫，我不能 Dave, I can't.
我知道，你向你爸保证过 I know, you promised your dad.
但是他已经不在了 But he's not here anymore.
这是你的人生，必须活的精彩 This is your life. You've gotta live it.
我明天该怎么面对她们？ How am I supposed to face them tomorrow?
我觉得好丢脸 I'm so embarrassed.
为什么？ Why?
你很聪明 You're smart.
你很美丽 You're beautiful.
你很风趣 You're funny.
你是我见过最坚强的人 You're the strongest person I've ever met.
你什么都能做到 You can do anything.
而且你是超杀女 And you're Hit Girl.
不管你戴面具或化妆都无所谓 Doesn't matter if you're wearing a mask or makeup,
你的真正本质才重要 it's who you really are.
我应该怎么做？割掉她们的舌头 So what should I do? Cut their tongues out?
不！当然不行 No! Definitely not.
我是在逗你 I'm fucking with you.
只要以其人之道还其人之身 Just beat them at their own game.
方法就是做你自己 By being yourself.
如果你真的想受欢迎 Well, if you really wanna be popular,
考虑这样东西： consider two little words,
“性爱”“录像带” "sexy" "tape."
露易丝，你不需要被损得体无完肤 Lois, you don't need these ax wounds.
假如我能打扮得像她们，你也能 If I can dress like them, so can you.
这是礼物，某个失踪毒贩送的 It's a gift from some drug dealer who went missing.
只因为你打扮得像我们 Just because you dress like us,
不代表你能跟我们一样 doesn't mean you can be like one of us.
不管我穿什么衣服，你的或者我的 It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine,
我都是超级英雄 我就是这种人 I'm a superhero. That's who I am.
好，舔阴队长 Okay, Captain Muffin-Muncher,
你去痛快的自欺欺人吧 have fun playing make-believe.
这个？ This?
这一切是自欺欺人，布鲁克 This is all make-believe, Brooke.
实际上你是邪恶的贱货 The reality is you're an evil bitch
跟最恶劣的下流罪犯一样坏 who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum.
你玩真的，明蒂？ You wanna get real, Mindy?
在真实世界，我会赢 In the real world, I win.
我会上一流大学，嫁给猛男 I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy
我生下漂亮宝宝给奶妈照顾 and I make adorable babies for my nanny to take care of
我们则去巴黎度假 while we vacay in Paris.
我是人生胜利组，你是人生失败组 My life is gonna rock and yours is gonna suck.
不管你的穿着有多骚 And no matter how slutty you dress,
没有男生想亲你叫做嘴巴的那个洞 no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss that hole you call a mouth.
所以你不如少对我们哀叫 So why don't you spare us all the whining
现在去割腕？ and slit your wrists now?
因为唯一能破坏我这一天的事 'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my day
是看到你的脸 is looking at your face one more second.
早就告诉她了 Told her. Damn.
那是什么？贫民手机？ What's that? A ghetto cell phone?
连回嘴都要打电话找人帮忙？ Gonna call for help with a come-back?
其实我爸是从国防部的雇员手中买的 Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
你看，这是用来控制民众的 You see, it was designed for crowd control,
但是被认为太过强烈 but deemed too severe.
他会发送脉冲，造成上吐下泻 It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
他叫它为“病棍” He called it "the sick stick."
不是你爸骗人的吧 Either your daddy got ripped off,
还是你自欺欺人，亲爱的 or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart,
因为我们感觉好美妙 because we feel fabulous.
为时不久 Not for long.
天啊 Oh, my God!
不要靠近我 求你了，你赢了 You get away from me. Please, you win.
我不想赢 I don't wanna win.
我只是想让世界变得更美好 I just want to make the world a better place.
爸？ Dad?
在家吗？爸？ You home? Dad?
看看你都做了些什么 Is this what you've been up to
而我还要打夜工，就为你上大学 while I'm out working nights saving for your college?
你装扮成这样就是为了跟人打架？ You've been dressing up and fighting people?
棍子上都有血迹 There is blood on these stick things.
你在我房间干嘛？ What are you doing in my room?
我在找有没有毒品 I was looking for drugs.
我在为你担心 I was worried about you.
好吧，你能住手了 Okay, good. Now you can stop.
不，我现在更担心了 No. Now I'm even more worried.
天啊，戴夫，吸毒算是好的了 Jesus, Dave, drugs would have been better.
这是丧心病狂 This is deranged.
有些人表现更糟 Some people do a lot worse.
- 跟你混的那些人？ - 不 - Oh, the people you hang outwith? - No.
跟我一起的都是超级英雄 The people I hang out with are superheroes.
这种人不存在，戴夫 There is no such thing, Dave.
这是真实世界，有真实后果 This is the real world with real consequences.
你什么时候才会长大？ When are you gonna grow up?
假如代表成你这样，永远不要 If it means turning into you, never.
我不是因为觉得丢脸才戴上面罩 I don't wear the mask because I'm ashamed of who I am.
跟你不同 Not like you.
你什么意思？ What's that supposed to mean?
不在工作时，你做仰卧起坐 If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches.
为的是什么？好让你看起来像别人？ Why? So you can look like someone else?
也许多过几年无所事事的生活？ Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?
你的生活没有意义，爸 Your life has no meaning, Dad.
当你过世时，谁会注意？ When you're gone, who's gonna notice?
你要去哪？ Where the hell are you going?
我要离开 人长大时都这么做 Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.
他说过为什么见我吗？ Did he say why he wanted to see me?
当你的雷夫叔叔打来，我不发问 When your Uncle Ralph calls, I don't ask questions.
就是这个孩子？ Just the kid.
克里斯，冷静面对，你会应付的 Chris, just be cool and you'll be fine.
你好吗？ Hey, how you doing?
很好，雷夫叔叔 Good, Uncle Ralph.
听我说，克里斯 Listen, Chrissy,
你爸过世后各方面情况都很艰苦 things have been tough all around since your dad,
你知道的 you know.
我试着在监狱里把家族带上正轨 Well, I been trying to get the family back on track from in here.
雷夫叔叔，他们会记录对话 They record these things.
我知道，没关系 I know, it's fine.
典狱长是我朋友 现在听我说 The warden's a pal. Now listen to me.
想玩玩没关系 It's okay to have a bit of fun,
但是你不能聘请一群强力打手 but you can't go hiring a gang of heavy hitters.
贾维尔应该告诉你才对 Javier should have told you.
不，没关系 No, it doesn't matter.
雷夫叔叔 Uncle Ralph,
海扁王对我们的仇我会要他付出代价 I am gonna make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
克里斯，你必须忘记那家伙 Chrissy, you need to forget that punk.
更重要的是你别沾上这事 It's more important that you stay out of this.
你跟我或者你爸不一样，你… You're not like me, or your dad, you're, uh...
很特别 Special.
你再也不能指使我该怎么做了 You can't tell me what to do anymore.
我知道我是什么人 I know who I am now.
是吗？ Oh, yeah?
你是什么人？ And who's that?
臭屁王 The Motherfucker.
你以为你是大坏蛋？ You think you're the big bad guy, huh?
让我给你看真正的邪恶是什么样子 Let me show you what real evil looks like.
喂？ Hello?
贾维尔，你好吗？ Javier, what's going on?
克里斯，什么事？ Chris, what's up?
你拿卢的手机干嘛？ What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh?
你自己的又掉进马桶了？ Drop yours in the toilet again?
一切好吗？ Everything okay?
谢谢你 我需要它 Thank you for that I needed it.
为接下来的事做准备 For what comes next.
别傻了，克里斯 Don't be stupid, Chris.
出城一阵子 Just get out of town for a while.
去上大学子类的 Go to college or something.
为什么？你只教过我该知道的一切 Why? You just taught me everything I needed to know.
看啊！ Voila!
经典又别致，好极了 Presto and elegant, damn.
他们设计的标志很有品味 Them boys designed a very tasty logo.
怎么回事？你听见了什么？ What's the matter, girl? You hear something?
来吧，我们去看看，来吧 Come on, let's go see. Come on!
这有人吗？ Anybody out here?
我什么都没看见 I don't see anything.
你必须呆在这里 Gonna have to stay in there
直到冷静下来，你个疯子 until you calm down, you lunatic.
不知道你在烦心什么？ I wonder what's bothering you.
我知道 今晚你死了 I know. Tonight you die.
女士优先 Ladies first.
你不会开枪 You will not shoot me.
你是超级英雄 You are superhero.
你们帮助人们 而不是伤害他们 You help people. You do not hurt them.
那是超级反派的领域 That's supervillain territory.
我喜欢这样称呼我的小团体 Or as I like to call my little gang,
剧毒超级组 the Toxic Mega-Cums.
对，像你的头 Yeah, like your head.
很疼啊！ Ooh, it's gotta hurt!
我对你做过研究的，上校 I did my homework on you, Colonel.
你以前叫赛尔·贝托里尼，对不对？ You used to be Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
在“重生”之前，你为我爸爸做过一些事 Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day, before you got "born again."
我以前跟很多烂人混 I used to hang with a lot of losers.
你想过会这样死掉吗，赛尔？ Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
打扮得像个蠢货？ Dressed like an idiot?
你是什么家伙？ Who are you supposed to be?
我是臭屁王！ I'm The Motherfucker!
来终结海扁王 不只是杀了他 And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him.
我还要搞臭他爱护的一切 I am gonna shit on everything that he loves.
毁掉这个地方，伙计们 Let's trash this place, guys.
“米兰达·斯维登”？ "Miranda Swedlow"?
这是谁，赛尔？ Who's that, Sal?
她是你队里的贱货之一？ She one of the whores on your team?
暗夜骚货，紧紧贴着海扁王 Night Bitch all snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
看来这个小子有新的辣妹来泄欲了 Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
要我杀了他的狗吗？ Want me to kill his dog?
杀狗？拜托，我还没那么邪恶 The dog? Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil.
砍掉那老家伙的头 Cut the old man's head off.
你们饿了没？我饿死了 快 You guys hungry? I'm starving. Come on.
披萨，我们能叫披萨吗？ Pizza, can we get pizza?
我们要叫披萨 We're getting pizza.
别担心，我先杀了你 Don't worry, I kill you first.
正义永存 Justice For ever.
一名布鲁克林居民昨晚被发现遭人斩首 A Brooklyn resident was found decapitated last night.
根据推特 According to Twitter,
宣称是世上第一个超级反派的人犯下这起攻击… a man claiming to be the world's first supervillain...
我说过，不能看电视，你被禁足了 Hold you, no TV. You're grounded, remember?
马库斯，我知道我向你保证过 Marcus, I know I made you a promise,
但我不能伪装身份 but I can't keep being someone I'm not.
当我看到邪恶时，必须阻止它 When I see evil, I have to stop it.
明蒂，你对校内那些女生的做法 Mindy, what you did to those girls at school
令人不能接受 was unacceptable.
你可能会伤害他们 You could have really hurt them.
对的，我有可能 You're right, I could have,
但我只是让她们痛着肚子回去 but instead I sent them home with tummy-aches.
有什么大不了的 Boo-fucking-hoo.
我不懂 I don't get it.
这种对复仇的执迷不健康 This obsession that you have with revenge is not healthy.
假如你不让我和警方干正事 If you don't let me and the police do our jobs,
我没别的事可做 there is gonna be nothing that I can do for you.
你永远不能过正常生活 You're never gonna have a normal life
下场会跟你父亲一样 and you'll probably end up like your father.
马库斯，他们砍掉一个人的头 Marcus, they cut a guy's head off.
还有谁能阻止他们？ Who else is going to stop them?
海扁王？你？ Kick-Ass? You?
回房间做功课 You go to your room and do your homework.
现在！ Now!
各位，我们在给上校姐姐的慰问卡上签名 Hey, guys, we're signing a sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
你们想不想捐出五元 You wanna go 5 bucks each
我们可以代表团队送花呢？ so we can send flowers from the team?
你看到臭屁王的推特没有？ Did you guys see The Motherfuckers Twitter page?
这家伙是谁？他有什么问题？ Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?
我不知道，但他吃了熊心豹子胆 I don't know, but he has got some elephant-sized balls.
他一直在网络上吹嘘 He's been bragging on the web
他们对上校干了什么好事 about what they did to the Colonel.
能追踪到他吗？ Can that be traced?
我试过，他的IP经过屏蔽 I tried. His IP address is masked.
好吧，我们要这么做 All right, here's what we're gonna do.
我们要组织攻击 We're gonna organize a fight.
网上很多人说要他们要加入 There are a lot of guys online who said they're in if we need them.
你开玩笑吧？这不是西城故事 Are you kidding me? This isn't West Side Story.
我们加入不是为了混帮派 We didn't join up to be in a gang.
我们是为了帮助人们 We did this so we could help people.
说得对.这件事留给警方处理 Shannon! right. We need to leave this to the cops.
我们最好现在开始两两一起行动 We better start walking in pairs.
臭屁王说，上校只是一个开始 Motherfuckers tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.
有人见过暗夜骚货吗？ Anybody seen Night Bitch?
你确定她在那团队里？ Are you sure she's on that team?
那蠢货在她网站上发帖子 Stupid gash posted on her superhero page
说她和海扁王交往过 that shes dating Kick-Ass.
所以是，我确定 So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
你好啊，暗夜骚货 Hello, Night Bitch!
她想到楼上玩 Oh, she wants to take the party upstairs.
我们要来开派对 We're gonna have a party.
她关上了门 She closed the door.
别担心，亲爱的，我不会杀你 Don't worry, darling, I'm not gonna kill you.
我要你传信给你男朋友 I want you to give a message to your boyfriend.
来啊，虫子 Come on, wriggly.
放手！ Let go!
你跟超级英雄上完床了，宝贝 You're done banging superheroes, baby.
现在来看邪恶的jj是什么感觉 it's time to see what evil dick feels like.
该死 Shit.
有什么问题？ What's wrong?
你在干嘛？ What are you doing?
来吧 Come on!
天啊，好吧，我只是… 我情绪没上来 God, okay, I'm just... I'm not in the mood.
我猜邪恶jj常感觉软趴趴的 I guess evil dick feels limp.
弄她，下手狠点 Hurt her. Bad!
警察来了 Cops are coming.
让俄国大妈处理 Leave it to Mother Russia.
她赚的钱是我们的十倍 She makes 10 times what we do.
一星期五万 加上开销 Fifty thousand a week. Plus expenses.
小心 Hey, watch out!
掉头！掉头！ Reverse it! Reverse it!
不准动！停下！ Don't move! Freeze!
五万元 她值这个价! Fifty thousand. She's worth it'
她为什么后退？ Whoa, whoa! Why are they backing up?
行李箱上为什么有割草机？ Why is there a lawnmower on the trunk?
需要支援，八人伤亡 We need back-up, eight men down.
我想是十人 I think you mean 10.
闪人了！ 把话传出去，我们要打造邪恶大军 Let's bounce! Put the word out I'm building an evil army.
欢迎所有变态和歹徒 All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.
我想你不会有问题 I don't think you're gonna have a problem
当人们听到时 when people hear about this.
他们凭空消失了 They just disappeared?
他们只要脱下面具就行 All they have to do is take off their masks,
没人能认出来 no one's gonna recognize them
他们穿便服 once they're back in their street clothes.
请注意 Your attention, please!
FBI追踪其他所有变装怪胎的IP Feds traced the IP addresses for all those other costumed freaks.
我们找来了州了所有执法单位 We got every law enforcement agency
准备同时行动！ in the state working to hit them at once!
为什么海扁王在名单上？ Why is Kick-Ass on this list?
他的成员从事社区服务 His crew does community service.
我不在乎 I don't give a shit.
戴面具的都要拘留 Anyone wearing a mask is getting detained.
今晚要一了百了 We're putting an end to this tonight!
很多人说警察那一晚出手太重了 A lot of people said the cops were too heavy-handed that night.
但是必须看当时情况 But you gotta put it into context.
警方不介意我们在真实生活中搞超级英雄这套 The police didn't mind our real life superhero stuff
当我们捡垃圾 as long as we were picking up litter
或者扶老太太过马路时 or helping old ladies cross the street.
但是突然间，事情变得严重 But suddenly it was serious.
突然间，我们代表社会出的一切问题 Suddenly we represented everything that was wrong with society.
别动！ Freeze!
爸爸警告过我，真实世界有真实后果 Dad had warned me that the real world had real consequences.
他们开车过来时 As they pulled up,
他一定觉得自己讲得有道理 he must have been feeling pretty damn vindicated.
妈的，戴夫 你做了什么事？ Oh, shit, Dave. What have you done?
警察，开门 Police, open up.
是我，海扁王 Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
面具下你其实很可爱. You're actually pretty cute under that mask.
我对发生的事感到抱歉 I'm so sorry about what happened.
不必 Don't be.
是我自己的错 It's my own fault.
我们会找到这些混蛋，做出对的事 We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.
做到又怎样？ What's the point?
我是说，我们超级英雄的程度 I mean, we're really superheroes
跟我们交往的程度一样浅薄 about as much as we're really dating.
我们连彼此的名字都不知道 We don't even know each others names.
我想现在应该回归真实世界了 I think it's time to get back to the real world.
我以为我们试着让世界更美好 I thought we were trying to make it a better place.
那么为何世界更糟了 Then why is it worse?
也许暗夜骚货是对的 Maybe Night Bitch was right,
这表示爸爸也是对的 which means Dad was, too.
事情已经失控 I mean, things had gotten out of hand.
也许我不该继续到马蒂家睡觉 Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing at Marty's
应该开始道歉 and start apologizing.
爸？ Dad?
那是我爸 That's my dad.
你爸是海扁王？什么？ Your dad's Kick-Ass? What?
他刚招出自己来 Yeah, he just gave himself up.
不，你们不了解 他这么做是想保护我 You don't understand. He's doing this to protect me.
爸！ Dad!
- 明蒂？ - 戴夫？ - Mindy? - Dave?
我需要你帮忙 我爸被捕了 I need your help. My dad's been arrested.
他们以为他是海扁王 你能跟马库斯谈谈吗？ They think he's Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?
- 我被禁足了 - 又怎样？ - I'm grounded. - So?
表示我不能参与 So that means I can't get involved.
好，等等 我希望我能帮忙 Look. Wait a second. I wish I could help.
明蒂，你在讲电话？ Mindy! Are you on the phone?
我必须挂了，好吗？ Look, I gotta go, okay?
对不起 戴夫 I'm sorry, Dave.
明蒂，等等，等等 Mindy, wait, wait.
你到底在想什么？ Hey, what the hell were you thinking?
我也想问同样的问题 Yeah, I could ask you the same thing.
我不敢相信你骗了他们 I can't believe you lied to them.
我不能什么也不做 I wasn't gonna do nothing while you went to jail.
这是我的选择，你应该让自己应付后果 I chose this. You should let me deal with the consequences.
我以为你要我成长 I thought you wanted me to grow up.
是啊，当你有一天自己有孩子后 Yeah? When you get a kid of your own one day,
你会了解的 you'll understand.
我要告诉他们真相 I'm gonna tell them the truth.
不，这只会火上浇油 No. It'll just make things worse.
我跟我律师谈过 Look, I spoke to my attorney.
他说他们明天就得放我走 He said they gotta let me out by tomorrow.
没有犯下实质罪行 No actual crime was committed.
外面有人想杀了海扁王 There are people out there who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
警察在外面找他们 Well, the cops are out there looking for them,
所以对海扁王最安全的地方就是这里 so the safest place for Kick-Ass is right here,
被关起来 locked away.
我不知道你怎么扯进来的，可是… I don't know how you got into all this shit, but...
但是你必须保证 you gotta promise me
你永远不能再穿上那套衣服 you will never dress up in that outfit again.
听见了吗？ Do you hear me?
我保证 I promise.
恶魔之巢归我了！ This evil lair owns!
人们还在说那个词吗，“归我”？ Do people still say that, "own"?
是的，当然 Yeah, of course.
你的鲨鱼 有点不对头 Your shark. Somethings wrong.
估计你用错水了 Think you used the wrong kind of water.
搞什么，伊优？ What the hell, Eyal?
没事，克里斯 It's fine, Chris.
它们本来就该躺在水底 They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank.
这就是它们在环境中安顿下来的方式 It's just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment.
别搞我好吗？ Don't screw me on this, okay?
你说我们会准备好 You said we'd be ready in two days,
可是我们连男厕所都没有 we don't even have a men's room yet.
别担心 Don't worry.
那袋子是干什么的？ What's with the bags of shit?
用来制造炸弹的肥料 It's fertilizer for the bombs.
算不上超级反派 You're not a supervillain
假如你没有毁灭城市的计划 if you don't have a plan to destroy the city.
这行不通，你需要化学肥料 It will not work. You need a chemical kind.
一切都要我来动手吗？ Do I have to do everything myself?
你来补救！ Just fix it!
你必须放松 You must relax.
一切按计划进行 Everything is going as planned.
不，根本没有，好吗？ Mmm, no. No. Except it's not, okay?
那个苦瓜脸不是海扁王 That sad sack is not Kick-Ass.
我见过海扁王，他和我年纪差不多 I've seen Kick-Ass, he's like my age.
那家伙能当他老爸了 Guy's old enough to be his father.
没开玩笑，对吧？ No shit, right.
抱歉，你是谁？ I'm sorry, who are you?
我自愿加入你的邪恶大军，跟其他人一样 I, uh, volunteered for your evil army, like the others.
好的 我很感激 Right. I appreciate that.
谢谢你为这目标加入 Thanks for joining the cause.
这是核心群体的VIP区域 This is the VIP area for the core group.
你会这么说真有趣 I just thought it was funny you said that.
因为那是海扁王的爸爸 Because he is Kick-Ass, father.
谁？ Who?
莱佐斯基先生, 他是海扁王的爸 Mr. Lizewski. He's Kick-Ass, dad.
少来！ Shut up!
是的 你不会告诉其他人，对吧 Yeah. You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?
不 No.
但是你，我的朋友，你刚赢得 But you, my friend, have just earned
VIP区的使用权 life-time access to my VIP area.
去找个位置坐下 Go take a little seat.
给那小子一杯星冰乐 Hey, get the kid a Frappuccino,
然后送回去工作 then put his little punk ass back to work.
好的 Okay.
来吧 Come on.
有什么事？ Can I help you?
臭屁王要我们和你一起照相 The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.
我爸是好律师，这很有帮助 It helps that my dad is a really good lawyer.
我想我这帅哥 Because I don't think my beautiful ass
在牢里撑不了多久 would last too long in prison.
好奇怪 Whoa, that's weird.
克里斯·达米克刚传给我照片 Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture.
红旋风？那家伙发生什么事？ Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy?
什么照片？ What is it?
怎么了？ Dude, what's wrong?
这是什么？ What is it?
接下来的几天好像在迷雾里过去 The next few days passed in a fog.
我跟警方提过克里斯，但是帮不上忙 It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris,
他们找不到他 they couldn't find him.
警方的确出席爸爸的葬礼 The cops did show up at Dad's funeral,
不是表达敬意 not out of respect,
而是他们害怕可能会出事 but because they were scared something would happen.
我爸爸是个正派人 My dad was a decent man.
他只想为我提供美好的生活 All he ever did was try and give me a good life,
我跟他说当他过世时没人会注意 and I told him no one would notice when he was gone.
我爱你，小子 I love you, pal.
我也爱你，爸 I love you, too, Dad.
你们出席了 You guys came.
我们想帮你追踪克里斯·达米克这混蛋 We'd love to help you track down this Chris D'Amico d-bag,
可是… but...
我们刚刚出狱 we just got out on parole.
不，没关系 No, that's fine.
我不是打算复仇 I'm not looking for revenge.
我对爸做的最后保证 Last thing I promised my dad
是我会放弃这件事 was that I was gonna give this up.
那正是我要做的 That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
但这一切是你开的头 But you started this.
现在由我结束 Now I'm ending it.
戴夫，对不起 Dave, I'm so sorry.
你在恨我没帮忙吗？ Do you hate me for not helping?
不，一点也不会 No, not even a little bit.
你说的对 你放弃了 You were right. You gave it up.
假如我也放弃，我爸还会活着 If I had, too, my dad would still be alive.
我唯一怪罪的是我自己 The only person I blame is myself.
开始干吧！ Let's do this!
趴下 Get down!
明蒂！ Mindy!
散开！ Spread out!
头趴下！ Keep your head down!
快！ Come on!
抓住他！ Get him!
把车开过去！ Get that van over here!
快点！ Hurry up!
明蒂？ Mindy?
明蒂！ Mindy!
明蒂？ Mindy?
你必须把它戴上 You gotta put this on.
我不会照做 I'm not gonna do it.
不论做什么事都伤不了我 There's nothing left you can do to hurt me.
你想赌吗？ You wanna bet?
来玩啊，混蛋！ Game on, cocksuckers!
车顶上有个女孩！ There's a girl on the roof!
他还在上面！ She's still up there!
- 我想我击中他了！ - 去看看！ - I think I got her! - Go check!
探头出去！ Get out there!
快！把头移开 Come on! Move your head.
停到路边 Pull over, pube-face.
我们知道克里斯·达米克就是臭屁王 We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
他躲哪儿去了？ Where is he hiding?
吃屎去吧 Eat a dick.
你会吃自己的，如果你不说的话 You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.
开枪啊，你这小贱人 Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch.
你不论做什么事，我都不会说 There's nothing you can do that would make me talk.
听着，等一下 Look, hold on.
我现在下不了手 I can't do this right now.
这是我爸的葬礼 It's my dad's funeral.
戴夫，你父亲爱你 Dave, your father loved you.
和我爸爸爱我一样 Just like my daddy loved me.
我知道这令人心痛 And I know it hurts, but maybe,
也许这就是当超级英雄的意义 maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero.
肩负那种痛苦，转换成好事 Is taking that pain and turning it into something good.
转换成正当的事 Something right.
记得你对我说过的话吗？ Remember what you told me?
这是你的人生，你必须活的精彩 This is your life. You've gotta live it.
现在帮我找个钳子 Now help me find some pliers.
我要让这家伙吃自己的屌 I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
说真的？ Seriously?
- 喂？ - 马库斯？ - Hello? - Marcus?
明蒂，怎么回事？你还好吗？ Mindy. What's going on? Are you okay?
我很好 I'm fine.
我知道臭屁王藏哪了 We know where The Motherfucker's hiding.
他招募超级反派 He's recruiting an army of supervillains
制造土制炸弹 and making homemade bombs.
马库斯，他想烧毁全城 Marcus, he wants to burn the city down.
你向我保证过 You promised me.
我知道你把我当小女孩看待 Know you see me as this little girl,
但我不是小女孩，从来不是 but I'm not and I never was.
你说的对 You're right.
爸爸剥夺了我的童年 Daddy did take my childhood away,
但我不确定那是坏事 but I'm not so sure that was a bad thing.
马库斯，他给我一份天职 Marcus, he gave me a gift,
不论我多努力也无法逃避 a gift that I can't escape no matter how hard I try.
我不必花上四年 And I don't need to spend the next four years of my life
试着探索我是怎样的人 trying to figure out who I am
因为我早就知道 because I already know.
我是超杀女 I'm Hit Girl.
所有超级英雄注意，我们需要你们帮助
我贴出地址 你想他们会出现吗？ I posted the address. Do you think they'll show?
克里斯有一只大军 Chris has an army.
这些现实人生总的超级呆瓜 These real life super dweebs
一生都在等待这种召唤 have been waiting their whole lives for a call like this.
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
什么？ 对，我没事 What? Yeah, no... I'm fine.
来 Here.
拿着这个 Take this.
撒手锏不适合我的风格 "Last resort" really isn't my style.
戴夫，这不是漫画 Dave, this isn't a comic book.
今晚会有真人死亡 Real people are going to die tonight.
我爸爸对一切做了准备 My daddy was prepared for anything.
那你呢？ Are you?
是的 Yeah.
我准备好了 I am.
他们早该回来了 They should be back by now!
它一定是死了 It's definitely dead.
网上说应该用新鲜淡水养它们 Says on the Internet you're supposed to keep them in fresh water.
它只是肚子饿 我们必须喂它 It is just hungry. We must feed it.
为什么看着我 Why are you looking at me?
我们必须开始行动 We gotta get this shit started.
我为你们这些贱人准备了好戏！ Oh, yeah. Have I got a show for you bitches!
臭屁王，臭屁王… Motherfucker, Motherfucker...
好，派对来宾们！ All right, party people!
我们要一起杀了海扁王 We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,
我们第一个超级英雄 the very first superhero, together.
我们要把他切成小块 We are gonna cut him up into little pieces,
喂鲨鱼 feed that shit to MC Shark
然后传到youtube上去 现场直播！ and post it all over YouTube. For real!
他在开玩笑？ He's kidding, right?
臭屁王不开玩笑 Motherfucker don't kid.
不止这样，我还要给你们每个人 That's not it. I'm gonna give each and every one of you
派对风味的肥料炸弹 party favor fertilizer bombs!
我们要大闹一场 And we are gonna get our riot on!
这样才叫邪恶 That's what it means to be evil.
我们，我的朋友们，是真正的百分之一 We, my friends, are the real 1%,
今晚我要恶搞这个城市 and tonight we are gonna fuck this city up
否则我不叫… or my name is not...
克里斯·达米克！ Chris D'Amico!
我不叫那个名字 That is not my name!
不，你说的对 No, you're right.
你的新名字叫小贱货 Your new name's Little Bitch.
这真完美 Oh, this is perfect.
你真的这么笨吗？ Are you really that stupid?
你们两个人 There's two of you
我们有一只大军 and a whole army of us.
你真的想到死亡就会硬梆梆？ Do you really have such a hard-on to die?
不 No.
所以我们找来了朋友 That's why we brought our friends.
怎么回事，克里斯？ What's the matter, Chris?
你拉在裤子里了？ Shit hit your shorts?
是的，我要用你的脸来擦屁股 Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
你要为杀我爸付出代价 You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.
你父亲？ Your dad?
你用火箭炮炸死我爸 You blew up my dad with a bazooka.
你准备受死了吗，小女孩？ Are you ready to die, little girl?
也许，假如我必须一直看着 I might be if I have to keep looking at
你称为脸的那团大便 that shit-stain you call a face.
克里斯！ Chris!
抓住他 我要看他的胆子有多大 Hold him down. I wanna see what his guts look like.
你们这些小子够了！ That's enough from you boys!
做得好，亲爱的. Nicely done, sweetheart.
只有这点能耐？ That all you got?
不，我有致命的零重力装置 No, I got my lethal zero G device.
鬼扯 Bullshit.
才怪 No shit.
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
好，谢了 扁海王 Yeah. Thanks. Ass Kicker.
很好 Nice.
天啊，你真没用 Jesus, you are such a pussy.
戴面具有什么用 What is the point of wearing a mask
如果你不能为所欲为的话？ if you can't do what you want?
我想做好事 We want to do good.
不，人们想赢得乐透彩 No, people want to win the lottery.
人们想跟斯嘉丽·约翰逊上床 People want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.
你以为能用一根小针杀我？ You think you can kill me with little needle?
用途不是杀你 That's not what it's for.
这叫做肾上腺素，婊子 It's called adrenaline, bitch.
那是什么，来阴的？ What was that, some cheap shot?
那是为了上校 That was for the Colonel.
那是为了暗夜骚货 That's for Night Bitch.
为了我爸爸 And that's for my dad.
我以为你这个烂货能应付
你在干什么？ What the hell are you doing?
救你这个瘪三！ Saving your whiny ass!
不！ No!
我不让你称心如意 我宁愿死！ I won't let you have this. I'd rather die!
你什么毛病，老兄？ What is wrong with you, dude?
这不是漫画，是真实人生！ This is not a comic book, it's real life!
死了一了百了 When you're dead, it's done.
不会有续集 There's no sequel.
你使这一切化为真实 You made this real.
你开的头！ You started it!
我来结束 And I'm gonna finish it.
我会变得不朽，像邪恶耶稣 I'll be immortal' like an evil Jesus.
等等！ Wait!
我还活着 I'm alive.
戴夫，我真遗憾 Dave, I'm so sorry.
这种感觉很难形容 The feeling was indescribable.
克里斯·达米克死了 Chris D'Amico, dead.
那帮超级反派被打败了 His wannabe supervillains, defeated.
但我们使世界变得美好 But did we make the world a better place?
或者我们只是结束了一件 Or did we just finish something that began
从我带面具时开始的事？ when I first put on this mask?
警察来了 The cops are coming.
他们会处理坏人 They'll take care of the bad guys.
我们最好在他们到达前闪人 We better skedaddle before they get here.
我们成功了 We did it.
没错 Fuck, yeah.
别粗口 Hey, language.
你说的对 You're right,
假如我们要打扮得像英雄 if we're gonna dress like heroes,
我们要表现的像英雄 we should act like heroes.
他为你感到光荣，戴夫 He'd be proud of you, Dave.
他会为我们全体感到光荣 He'd be proud of all of us.
你们知道我们不该再这么做对吧？ You know we can never do this again, right?
结束了 It's over.
最后一次，来吧 One last time. Come on.
你怎么说，超杀女？要来吗？ What do you say, Hit Girl? Are you in?
为什么不？ Why the hell not?
正义永存！ Justice Forever!
谢谢你送我 Thanks for the ride.
我们学校见 I'll see you at school.
我要离开纽约，戴夫 I'm leaving New York, Dave.
我不能回家 I can't go home.
不能害马库斯左右为难 I can't put Marcus in that position.
为什么？他不会逮捕你 Why? He won't arrest you.
你刚救了这个城市 You just saved the city.
是啊，我也用警枪杀了6个人 Yeah, well, I also killed six guys with a cop's gun.
义勇军不能得到法外开恩 Vigilantes don't get a free pass.
你不能走 人们需要你 You can't go. People need you.
- 他们现在有你了 - 明蒂… - They've got you now. - Mindy...
我不像你 I'm not like you.
你不必身怀绝技才能当超级英雄 You don't have to be a bad-ass to be a superhero, Dave.
你只要勇敢 You just have to be brave.
这是干嘛？ What was that?
那是我的初吻 That was my first kiss.
要乖一点，否则我从你嘴巴扯烂到你屁股 Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.
当明蒂离开时 When Mindy left,
我终于了解我人生的发展方向 that's when I finally understood where my life was going.
这种事最终总得发生 Just like it had to eventually happen,
现实中的人想当超级英雄 that real people would try to be superheroes.
事情最终也要结束 Eventually it had to end, too.
超级英雄不能存在现实世界的原因有一个 Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason.
因为现实世界需要现实的英雄 It's because the real world needs real heroes.
不是穿着异装的痞子玩换装游戏 And not some punk in a wet-suit playing dress-up,
而是能修理坏人的狠角色 but a genuine bad-ass who can really kick ass.
喂？ Hello?
求你了 别走 Please. Don't go.
别走 Don't go.
有人吗？ Is anybody there?
喂？ Hello?
帮帮我好吗？ Some help, please?
鲨鱼吃掉了我的JJ A shark bit my fucking dick off
我就不能喝点水吗？ and I can't get some water?