片名：辣嬷写真
一月
女士们
让我们直接切入会议重点
欢迎今天的主讲人
欢迎约克来的瑞亚伦
今天他将为我们讲述
乳品促销协会的历史
谢谢你，亚伦
晚安，各位妇女协会的成员
二月
女士们，请热烈欢迎 来自伊克利的班爱丽
她将引我们进入 奇妙的毯子世界
抱歉，我要补充一下
不只是毯子
还包括所有形式的地毯
感谢老天
原本我还以为会很单调无趣呢
谢谢你，爱丽
三月
我们的环球之旅在九月…
从史基普敦出发
就在我们把票订好之后
就是它们
这是特价票，我太太说…
一定要在当月25日前预订
四月
谢谢
各位，我不知道妳们怎么想
但是宝琳，我得说…
我完全不知道花椰菜 如此有趣
谢谢妳
接下来…
请哪位自愿上台抽奖吧？
不行
可以
不行啦
好吧，我去问他
叫妳老公去讲
是哦，罗德在妇协能讲什么？
没错，约翰也一定会这么说
我要讲什么？
随便啦…
把种子拿来
什么都比花椰菜的历史好
甚至比下个月的演讲都好
一次放一粒… 安妮，告诉他
约翰，妇协的宗旨在于…
听我的
妇协的宗旨是什么？
启发、欢乐和友谊
听到没？没错
就是这些
就我而言 我是为我妈加入的
后来她过世，我也无法退出了 妳自己也喜欢
每个钵放一粒种子 妳真糟糕
那样应该可以了吧？
哈曼的婚礼我准备好了
但盖斯利那场会议 还需要些摆饰
老天，又是百合
我找不到订单
我以为妳重新整理后
订单会整齐的放好
你要上楼做功课吗？ 等一下
（波霸辣妹）
詹姆？
妈
去！
走开
那乌鸦是恶魔
再不设法 牠会把种子吃光光
我们得谈一谈
安妮… 别离开我
过来
我不是要离开妳
傻瓜
至少，我希望不会
那个…
他得了哪一种癌症？
他说他要把它取名为海珊
妳该早点告诉我们的
我是妳的老朋友
妳该一知道就告诉我的
我是啊
别太大惊小怪了
等彻底检查都没问题后 就能恢复正常生活
是啊
这样比较好
你们先去，我们大帐棚见
好，待会见了
好
这做的真好
没错
“盆栽造景”
评过分了
“最挺的胡瓜”
评过分了
“鸡蛋创意作品”
全都评过分了吧？
快看，海吉妇协的
把蛋糕围着车轮排吧
看来还满漂亮的
妳到底站哪一边啊，叛徒？
我不是那意思… 妳准备了什么？
“国际风茶盘”
主题是牙买加 热带岛国也适用
如果大家都参加妇协 就不用嗑摇头丸了
做得好，鲁思“国际风茶盘”
安妮做“海绵蛋糕”
还“成本低于50元”？
卡西
东西在哪？
那是什么？
安妮根本没时间
她忙着陪光头老公上医院…
抱歉，我花了很久时间…
天啊！蛋糕
我就说吧 没关系，克莉搞定了
那是妳烤的？
毕竟我也是个女人
我不会打毛线也不会做果酱
但海绵蛋糕难不到我
谢谢妳
当然，这个不是我烤的
是我在新光三越买的 什么？
妳不能用买来的蛋糕参赛
放手
它是怎么来的不重要
连手对抗海吉妇协才重要
这不是烹饪比赛
这是生死决战
准备好了？
（金斯镇越野赛跑）
穿蜘蛛人T恤小孩的父母亲
请到大猩猩底下跟他会合
大帐蓬里现在高潮迭起
妇协评审已经开始了
是吗？
评审团回来了
各位女士先生
本年度富焙莓锦标赛…
12吋海绵蛋糕
冠军得主是 213号参赛作品
很高兴认识妳，克莉
救命啊
这下可有趣了
由奈普利妇协报名参赛
哈克莉烘焙
很棒，很漂亮的蛋糕
谢谢
我同时也很骄傲的宣布
这蛋糕同时也赢得2002年 评审团大奖
妳很漂亮
谢谢
我没问过这问题
那蛋糕这么漂亮
制作上是不是 有什么秘诀或技巧？
这个嘛…
基本上我是遵照 我母亲传授的烤蛋糕秘诀
就是在碗底要涂上奶油
要用温热的汤匙
如果是特殊场合用的蛋糕
就到百货公司去买一个
用蛋糕扔他们
你们扔我的蛋糕？ 太没礼貌了
其实这挺好吃的
当然好吃了
富焙莓奖可不会随便颁的
事实上
妇协打算邀我开个烘焙讲座
那一定很有趣
不是轮到我讲吗？
为妇协演讲啊？
还是妳们不想听了？
我告诉妳们
想要我去演讲就要快点准备
快去、快去
亲一下
她们正在唱会歌呢
你不能不亲我就去艾克利
我每星期四都去 又不是出国
亲一个
待我们建立耶路撒冷
就在英国这个 青翠的好所在
首先，在我们开始之前
我们要先恭喜克莉
她不只赢得富焙莓奖
还赢得了评审团大奖
接下来要讨论的是月历
去年我们的主题是本地的桥
所以我想今年…
拍摄主题是美丽的教堂… 乔治克隆尼
华富岱镇的教堂
11张沙龙照 12月则是立体纸雕
克莉？
没什么
她说乔治克隆尼
没有啦
玛丽，我没意见
那就以华富岱镇的教堂 为主题
应该用乔治克隆尼的
波撒教堂或乔治克隆尼
我知道自己醒来时想看哪个
那是诺曼底人建的教堂
我并非质疑教堂的美丽
但我喜欢结实的屁股
当心！别扯到你的点滴
总而言之… 拜托，我不想当反动份子
但那样应该可以多卖几份
妇协的男性睡衣月历
那肯定大卖
好，就这么决定了
我们要上哪找摄影师？
艺术学院
那里有很多贱卖才华的艺匠
是吗？ 没错
劳伦跟我说过
妳要不要看看这小子的作品？
别再说了
他替我的向日葵拍了好几张照
好让我看看它们长得有多美
重点不在摄影师，而是模特儿
那得花很多钱
我可以免费做你的模特儿
不，谢了，我刚看过你的屁股
相信我，那跟乔治克隆尼 差多了
烂沙发
亲属休息室需要一张新沙发
给病人亲属和朋友坐
免得他们被这种烂沙发弄伤了
妳跟医生谈过了吗？
约翰今天好多了，那是什么…
肺炎引发败血症
没事的，我听过这些病
他们可以治好这种病吧？
这表示他的免疫系统愈来愈弱
化疗没有作用
我们已经没有胜算了
不准你在这里放纪念椅
我想怎样就怎样
如果妳在这放椅子
它很快就会变成…
小鬼涂鸦的标的
我写好演讲稿了
妇协的
是哦
我谈我的工作
以及这里的一切
你念给我听吧
约克夏的花朵 就像约克夏的女人
每阶段的成长
都比上个阶段美
而最后一个阶段…
总是最光辉灿烂
之后它们很快就会老去凋零
你这个坏蛋
不久之前
我曾邀请柯约翰 为奈普利妇协做一次演讲
今晚安妮要我念给大家听
他是这么写的
“约克夏的花朵”
“就像约克夏的女人”
“每阶段都有它独特的美”
“而最后一个阶段” “总是最灿烂”
“之后” “很快就会老去凋零”
“讽刺的是”
“我最钟爱的花…”
“并非英国的原生花”
“更非原生于约克夏”
“我认为世上再没有” “其他东西”
“比向日葵有更昂扬的生命”
“对我而言”
“原因在于” “它花名背后的事实”
“不只是它看来像太阳”
“同时也因为它总向着太阳”
“每一天”
“花朵追随太阳的轨迹”
“划过天际”
“就像追踪阳光的卫星天线”
“不论阳光何在” “不论阳光多微弱”
“这些花朵都能找到它”
“这是多么令人赞赏的事”
“也值得我们学习”
（奈普利车行）
你撞到门？怎么会？
你怎么了？
他送报赚钱，好上演讲课
他把轮圈都撞弯了
修这些…
要一千二
我一定要修好它
妈？
泰德，这能不能借我？
不会吧
慢慢转成蝉式
接下来我们做…
狮子式
我承认我很在乎…
我们伟大领导者 对太极拳的怪异领悟
然后变成骆马式
骆马？中国根本没有骆马
好了
妳们的方向正确吗？
改天见了
拜…
安妮还好吗？
妳想我们能帮什么忙？
妳们明天下午有事吗？
就是这样，我告诉你
美眉对你笑是个好兆头
那是最棒的兆头
如果你搞上诺黛比…
这样说有点粗
她的胸部可壮观了
她有两颗大芒果
事实上，不像芒果
我不认为它们会和芒果一样硬
也许像木瓜
成熟的木瓜
又大又黄的木瓜
不对，我在说什么？
不是木瓜，是汽球
没错，就像汽球
一对汽球
灌饱气再放三天的 松软大汽球
你别再谈胸部了吧？
为什么不要谈？
我认为这是个很棒的点子
妳没专心听，对吧？
我有啊
我们要为医院募款
用约翰的名义捐沙发
是用拍摄裸体月历的方式
不行
坐下吧
我又没要妳们骑哈雷机车
这跟教堂差别可大了
对，但那正是重点
这是一种另类月历，这是…
那正是约翰所建议的
是吗？
“花朵的最后一个阶段…”
“…最光辉灿烂”
所以这份月历代表了
“是的，约翰，我们同意”
关于这点…
他可没说要“脱掉胸罩”
那套皮沙发要5万
记得去年月历募了多少钱吗？
3千7百…
80元
妳们要买吗？
我们迟早会买的
走吧
我们会再跟你联络，谢了
她…
我不知道，她变得好怪
正常的怪还是诡异的怪？
她发现了这个
你开玩笑？“波霸辣妹”？
我看到她在看
天啊！她一定气炸了
我妈发现“充气玩伴”时 差点气疯了
这年纪很难搞
差不多就这年纪
女人正经历很难过的阶段
她们变得不讲理又古怪 还阴晴不定
你怎么知道？
我老爸告诉我的
好了
不行 鲁思…
我要走了 艾迪出差今天回来
我保证没有人会看到什么
妳来拍
还没好，等等
拍桌子干嘛？ 那种月历不会卖的
按哪里？
就是那里
好了
谁看得到我的奶头？
是你妈，你就会在意
她做了什么？
看色情杂志和裸体月历
那不代表她是女同志
你好，詹姆
你妈妈只是…
跟你同学上楼去，好吗？
艾克利还好吗？
妳怎么还没睡？
生意谈的怎么样？
妳知道的…地毯商很死板
他们只对强化底榇有兴趣
要上床了吗？
等一下，我先休息一下
我来拿照片
我找不到收据
我姓哈…
在这里
一共300元
谢谢
不用找了，谢谢
冲印店竟然把它洗出来了
现在网络上一定传遍了
听起来大家都看过了
很多人在假日狂欢时 都会拍些上空照的嘛
这可能只引起了小震撼
因为前15张都是插花照
我又搞砸了，对吧？ 又搞砸了
等等、等等
我们得扪心自问
这跟米罗的维纳斯有何差别？
我喜欢玩脑筋急转弯
因为这里面有锅子？
西莉
两位女性都裸露了胸部
是什么让其中一个变成艺术？
答案很简单，艺术家
她很聪明
是啊
艺术家
（征求摄影师）
她真可爱
她脸上打的光真不错
是啊，看看她的眼神
还有这些卷毛
你拍过很多人，或者主要是…
主要是贵宾狗
鲜血代表了全球化
羊头骨代表了民主已死
胡萝卜呢？
胡萝卜代表资本主义
主要是兰花
我对森林里的兰花 特别有兴趣
还有蝴蝶
我喜欢拍原生蝴蝶
妳们的计划到底是什么？
女士们好啊
这太疯狂了
他不会记得的
他每天看无数的人在这里进出
柯太太？
约翰的太太？
是的
妳好
你好
妳们是认真的？
妳们有12位女士…
愿意拍裸照？
技术上来说，并没有12个人
有，只要找到合适的摄影师
我们已经找到合适的摄影师了
妳愿意加入吗？
妳愿意？
对不起
别把它想成是脱光光，珂拉
不是脱光光，是裸体
安妮，我已经55岁了
我现在再不拍，何时拍？
我很在乎“露奶”这件事
我想重点在于，我们不露
我知道，而那正是我在乎的
妳的胸部很美吧？
美呆了
洁西，我们年纪也到了
也该是奉献的时候了
我知道以妳这年纪… 不露前面
什么？
只要不露前面我就拍
那里只保留给 我生命中的某个男人
妳丈夫会介意？
不是我丈夫
妳的身材当然还很有看头
妳看那辆车
鲁思
难道妳不气一辆车 停两个车位？
听我说
我们大家的身材都没看头
不是那样…
并不是每个人都像妳克莉
也有些人像我鲁思
对不起
鲁思…
好，我想了一下月历的事
我想我们可以用点技巧拍
第一眼
它应该像典型的妇协月历
就是有果酱、蛋糕 还有缝纫等等家务
妳们所想得到的一切
除了一个小小的差别
就是做那些事的人…
是裸体的
太好了，劳伦
真的太棒了
不同的月份…
由不同的女人诠释各种样貌
绘画
熨衣服
到12月
就是一张妳们一起 合唱圣诞歌曲的大合照
那真是太棒了
但有个小问题
什么？
摄影师是个男人
我们又不会露点
那是在照片里
在房间里 还是免不了会走光的
那正是重点
他必须留在房里拍照
而我们全都脱光光
是裸体
艺术摄影师眼里看到的 不是裸体女人
他眼里有的只是模特儿
对，裸体并不重要
妳穿着端正时说得倒容易
他会以艺术家的眼光看我们
我听过这种说法
妳听过吗？
他不是那种下流胚子
我也听过那种说法
他人呢？
劳伦？
妳们知道来到妳们面前 是多么可怕的事吗？
他要鼓起多少勇气 才办得到？
我们当然不会 在满屋子男人面前裸露自己
这里又不是法国
老天爷
劳伦先架设好相机
然后离开房间
我们把浴袍脱掉
其中一人再按下快门
很好
劳伦
这些小姐们有话要对你说
对不起
对不起，劳伦
我将无法停止精神的争战
也无法任手中的剑沉睡
待我们建立耶路撒冷
就在英国这个 青翠的好所在
很好
是否有人有任何活动计划
可能必须在全国会议中 申请许可？
这比较明智
未经全国委员会同意
我们不该擅自行事
因为奈普利妇协 拥有完美无瑕的声誉
而某些捣蛋鬼 只要做点小动作
就会摧毁我们辛苦建立的声誉
好吧
我们计划为约翰出一本月历
没错，这是…
这是为了募款
想为奈普利医院的亲属休息室 添购一些东西
还有呢？
我们都会在月历上露脸
1个人1个月
还有呢？
这个嘛…
差不多就这样了，真的
脱光光
脱光光？
不是脱光光，是裸体
那有什么差别？
那是艺术
既然玛丽提起这个议题
我们还差几个月的主角
这听来真像某人的鬼主意
又是克莉出的好主意？
像伏特加试饮之夜一样？
不，我保证这次绝对没问题
因为这是为了约翰
那是受约翰的启发 是为了约翰
也正是因为约翰
不管妳认为这主意怎样
妳正看着一月小姐
二月
三月
四月
我们需要做特别准备吗？
不用，这些照片就是我们
忠实地呈现
灰白的头发、橘皮组织
不会吧
记住“最后的阶段…”
“总是最光辉灿烂的”
妳有蕾妮罗素的照片吗？
一个星期？
我知道，那是个客户，他做…
知道那家新的连锁饭店吧？
叫北方什么的？
要我一起去吗？
怎样？
别傻了
我是去卖地毯
若是改装车比赛 还可能值得一看
老婆，快点
妳的球就在那边
我就来了
剩2小时 脱了胸罩免得有勒痕
我正在脱，正在脱
老婆？快点
好女孩
我们要去吗？
我们要去
这是最后决定
决定就是
我们要去告诉她们 我们不干了
好
快进来
妳们必须明白
我这辈子从不曾在别人面前 裸体
连法兰也一样？
法兰是军人
我们裸体都是以必须性为基础
我们没人这么做过
老天爷
约翰到75年春天 才看到我脱光
那年春天发生什么事？
有只蜥蜴爬到饭店浴帘上
那天早上有不少人看到我走光
这不公平
好耶
不成功便成仁
好，我们准备好了
她先拍
你动手吧
她们不会成功的
女士们，把灯光调高一点
帮我把灯光调高一点
别碰那个
安妮？克莉？
麻烦别挡住镜头好吗？ 好
好，西莉
朝相机这边倾斜一点
可以了吗？
很完美
好，可以了
好
劳伦
我们需要大一点的圆面包
那两个面包是不是有点扁？
不要！别乱碰面包
我喜欢这样，可以遮更多
别破坏了整个构图
但是劳伦，上面的圆面包扁了
本来就是扁的
没错，但是对她而言 太扁了吧？
别碰圆面包
拜托
对不起
坏女孩
圆面包咸猪手
她看起来要显得很轻松
我本来就很轻松
她还要微笑
我是在笑啊
别笑太大 我要的是神秘的微笑
她看来像是看到了熟人
左边高一点
右边低一点
中间的部分…
老天，把那位艺术家叫进来吧
劳伦？
进来
下巴往下，朝向妳的左边
妳看来美极了，西莉
好，我们开始了
我在70年代曾参加乐团
我记得有一天…
谢谢
对，那样好多了
快点，小鬼 你这是在浪费时间
我是他的小学老师
洁西！
我不是说要让他轻松点吗？
她不是说要让他轻松点吗？
要喝杯茶吗？
妇协会歌没有降E音
希望他们不会注意我的手指
好吧
这一张是拍妳吗？
妳叫什么名字？
鲁思
我是劳伦，摄影师
等我一下
劳伦，接下来拍谁？
鲁思
鲁思…
鲁思？不，等等，劳伦
好，我们来拍吧
能不能给我一些…隐私？
脱掉
脱掉、脱掉…
祝大家圣诞快乐 并祝新年快乐
恭喜
月历完成了
对，黑白再加上一种颜色
我不知道…3百份吧
4百份…
不，5百份
那样要多少钱？
谢谢，我会再跟你联络
不可能要那么多钱
就是要那么多
（卡氏种子公司） 我们正在找赞助者
我丈夫生前都用你的产品
他在国家公园工作
柯约翰？
没错，他死于血癌
我知道，真遗憾
谢谢
妳需要赞助什么？
是这样的…
差不多了
但向日葵必须更生动一点
再多加一点黄色
安静，妳们不能全当七月小姐
我的生日是在七月
我三月离婚，我想做九月小姐
（奈普利妇协月历）
玛丽
我没打扰到妳吧？
我只是刚好路过
我带了…
这没什么
它们好可爱，快请进
我从不认为自己 真的认识约翰
他在国家公园工作，是吧？
我想说的是，要是…
这些花真美，是波斯菊吧？
真漂亮
妳该离开一阵子，去渡个假
离开奈普利
妳想赶我走？
不，我只是…
有些话我得说明白，安妮
再来点茶？
不用了
我知道妳现在一定很难熬
妳一定很难过
是吗？
天啊
你想约翰会赞成这么做吗？
说真的
妳刚才说，妳不认识约翰？
是的
但我知道他是个好人，很正派
妳若担心奈普利妇协的名声…
我不是那个意思 我认为就是
玛丽，妇协的宗旨在于做善事
我们必须扪心自问
有什么比更进一步了解花椰菜 来得更重要
或给予某个陷入低潮的人 一些安慰？
因为那才是重点
还有，我不认为妳明白我的感受
安妮？
有结果了
妳好，玛丽，抱歉，妳们…
我不知道
玛丽，妳讲完没？
在水里放个铜板 花会更持久
妳们谈什么？
别问，结果怎样？
我找到赞助人了
什么？
别理麦氏种子的那个老家伙了
向詹氏啤酒打个招呼吧
啤酒商？
印刷费用和记者发表会
找啤酒商？ 只要每页下方放入他们的商标
不…
种子公司还说得通 因为约翰爱花
但他从不喝啤酒，妳知道的
重点不在啤酒
而是钱
（奈普利妇协月历） 两位，看看吧
真漂亮
史普敦报社吗？
我要找贵社公关
我要发表一份声明
（全国妇女协会） 主席，我能不能…抱歉
主席，抱歉…
我来自奈普利
什么？
在约克夏
好地方
不，听我说
很抱歉在会议中打扰妳
但我的分会发生了一个问题 我认为我有义务向妳报告
妳得简短扼要的说，这边来
烂人
她一定不是故意的
我很不想说那个字…
那就别说
她可能只是说溜嘴
是哦，对穆布兰说
而她刚好是全国妇协总会的 主席
我们可以… 她故意中伤我们
我们可以… 怎样？
告诉我该怎么办
就在此刻已有5百份月历 印好了
如果我们不能用妇协的名义
那就不要用
如果不用妇协名义
那就变成只是些中年妇女 神秘地裸体站在水果蛋糕后
老天！那跟色情图片没两样
我不知道订单上有什么
就在罐头下面
原来挂钩挂的地方
你得自己解决这件事了
为什么？
妳人在哪里？
等会再告诉你
我今晚会回去参加记者会，拜
奈普利的克莉和安妮来见主席
妳们是正式代表吗？ 对，代表奈普利
妳们要参加公开审查？
对
好，请跟我来
我们要上场了
什么是公开审查？ 好像很恐怖
我不知道
你们迟到了，请直接上台
上哪里？
不知
妳们属于哪个妇协？
奈普利
人好多
布兰…
抱歉，主席…
请面向大会
什么？
请向整个大会说明
今早最后的公开审查 是来自拿普利的代表
是奈普利
我们来此是想…
恳请在座各位…首肯同意
我们想发行一本妇协月历
以募集足够的款项 好用来买…
一张椅子、沙发…
或任何东西
好的…
事情是这样，奈普利医院 也就是我的约翰…
我的…
先生…
谢谢妳，奈普利代表
祝妳买沙发顺利
不，等等
等一下再亮妳的红灯
抱歉 另一位代表也想发言吗？
是的，因为她打算捣蛋
各位好
又来了
听着
我讨厌李子果酱
我参加妇协是为了讨我妈开心
真的，我讨厌李子果酱
我不会做蛋糕 尤其是海绵蛋糕
而乔治克隆尼也不可能来演讲 谈“急诊室的春天”
因此能让我留在妇协的理由 其实非常少
除了突然间…
我想为一位我钟爱的男士募款
为此
我准备为妇协的月历宽衣解带
若主席大人妳不能给我们 十分钟说明
我打算不经委员会许可 径自行动
因为有些事情 比委员会的许可更重要
如果那表示…
我们能更进一步…
击败癌症这种卑鄙、低劣 狡猾、鬼祟的烂疾病的话
那么我敢向上帝保证
我愿光着身子
涂满李子酱
头戴袜套在史基普敦市场上裸奔
还高唱妇协会歌
我们休息
十分钟
我们不裸露身体
但我们做慈善事业
我能否假设 这是地方的募款活动
而且妳们不会胡搞乱搞？
那样的话，那就是分会的事
这件事的决定权
就在妳们分会长手上
谢谢
管它的，放手去做吧
晚间新闻？ 请了
前锋报？ 都请了
妳请了国家报记者？ 请了
我真的请了 会有两位记者来
到了
谢谢，不用找了
老天，已经过一半了
快点
她们应该已经开了 半场的记者会
好了，在哪里？
我记得就在这，来吧
我发了多少份新闻稿？
发了多少份？
该死的地方小报社
奈普利还有什么更大的新闻？
一定是有人 种出了U型的葫芦
我们会赔很多钱，对吧？
我们不但募不了款还会赔钱
我们保证过不会胡搞乱搞
我们尝试过了
至少妳还发表了演讲
是啊
那还不够，安妮
我真不想在努力过后 还要对玛丽说
“妳是对的”
“这又是克莉另一个鬼点子”
更惨的状况是…
这简直是在伤口上撒盐
我脱光衣服却没人有兴趣
妳们来参加妇协记者会吗？
对
人太多了，会场改在宴会厅
为了要顺利拍照 所以我们喝了几杯酒
她们到了
妳的裸照上报了，老婆
帮我把培根递过来吧
去开店，女儿
我开了，妈
外面客满了
前一分钟还穿着浴袍
接着就只剩下我和那顶帽子
记者在约克夏的奈普利镇
这里的妇协不只会募款…
还为慈善月历宽衣解带
我考虑要做职业模特儿
妳的家人们怎么想？
我原本担心女儿会觉得丢脸 才不呢
但她却说服我去拍
有没有杂志找上妳？
奈普利是他生长的地方
他小时候的家就在安柏巷
我们就在那座教堂结婚
妳好，洁西
抱歉，她是九月小姐
它让我受益良多…
克莉，是什么启发了 妳的灵感？
失陪一下
我带我的记者来见妳的记者
大家好
想出一个点子并执行…
你们知道，毕竟…
妇协的宗旨在 教育及增进妇女力量
不是只有做果酱唱会歌而已
妇协裸体月历？
没有了，抱歉
但我的确送来了50份
你看
约克教堂口书店50份
我收到了，早上9点就上架
到9点10分就全卖光了
谢谢你，谢了
安妮？
我们得再多印些月历
只剩最后25份了
怎么了？
它们在等我
谁？
我一回来就这样了
天啊
妳看这封
她们跟我一样 都面临过同样的难关
我要帮助她们
“妳的照片让我发出微笑” “这是15个月来第一次”
“现在我只要看到月历” “就会笑”
“谢谢妳们的勇气与美丽”
“祝一切顺利，麦薇拉上”
“它让我想起艾琳”
“妳们似乎拥有” “相同的精神”
“我知道她若看到” “妳们的照片”
“一定会痛快地大笑”
“再次感谢妳们”
“期待下一本月历”
“我目前正在苏格兰的…”
“皇家重刑犯监狱服刑”
“妳胸前的伟大” “令我印象深刻…”
开始了，看！
记者访问全球第一份 妇协裸体月历的发起人
哈克莉
克莉，谈谈灵感是怎么来的
妇协与裸体实在太不搭嘎了
没错，一般妇协月历的内容
都是李子、果酱和乡村景致
但我们想杰出的摄影师 能在曼谷的海滩拍裸照
我们就能在这附近的教堂拍
太棒了
我本来想挤进镜头的
中年没有让她们怯于裸露
现在她们反而成了头条焦点
克莉是幕后推手
舍弃平常的乡村风景
她说服朋友们宽衣解带
现身当地妇协月历
不再拘泥于果酱与妇协会歌
她们说，她们的丈夫
已对她们另眼相看
这宁静小区里的其他人也一样
（裸体）
（本地妇协大鸣大放）
（裸体主妇大震撼）
你要去哪？
今天是星期四
可是你才刚开完会回来
艾迪，我有个惊喜要给你
我早知道了
加油站有个人对我说…
这个荡妇不就是妳老婆吗？
艾迪
艾迪，我那么做不是为了…
艾迪！
柏顿今天结婚
早安，詹姆
我是盖兹
我们还有另一张订单
是很大的订单，克莉
他们大约在四点半到 我要开会
妳什么时候回来？
晚一点，拜
晚一点是什么时候？
有人看到詹姆吗？
平常这里应该 不只你一个人吧？
是啊，抱歉
可是我太太现在正在忙
孩子的事？
不是
是忙妇协月历的事
她去上叩应节目
那个裸照月历？
对
我们才刚买一份
我太太买的… 说真的，太棒了
我会转告她
所以我买花的对象是…
她是哪一个？
一月小姐
我猜你应该觉得很烦吧？
也给我喝一点
我就知道在这能找到你
你还好吧？
你有钱吗？
有趣的是…
我问你，她们的老公是不是…
法兰他老婆之前很保守的
而现在显然…
你知道的
它对我们的闰房生活 倒是没什么影响
我根本看不到她的人
抱歉，我忍不住，一月先生
你不介意吧？
只要别叫我脱衣服就行
我告诉妳们，真不可思议
过去两小时
我一直在联络…
跟好莱坞联络
真的好莱坞吗？
不，是巧克力做的那个
当然是真的
是谁打来的？
某家电视公司 它们有个节目…
主持人的名字我忘记了
他们不会大老远 从美国来这吧？
不会
他们要做电话访问吗？
不，他们只做现场访谈
不来也不做电话访问 那要怎么…
我的老天
我们要去好莱坞了
干的好，克莉
我找雷先生，雷公的雷
他住在那里
麻烦你帮我把电话接进去
艾迪？
妳洗手间坏了…
但我已经把它修好了
你们好
有事吗，警官？
先把大麻烟熄了吧
好莱坞？
不是去玩，这真的很重要
如果我们能上美国电视
那会是很棒的宣传
想想看…全美国
我们的生意怎么办？
或者那并不重要？
你去接好吗？
说我在开会
你好，哈氏花坊
不会很严重
他不会有事的
他们不会起诉他
感谢老天
那么那样不算违法了？
大麻是违法
但他们抽的是薄荷
好吧
儿子，你真是蠢…
谢了，老妈
詹姆
没关系，我们已经谈过了
我们走之前妳还得去签个名
詹姆
请往这边来
好，来了
谢谢
谢谢，晚安
它跑去哪了？
啊…护照
希望他们能让我多带些月历
上过美国电视后
我们可能还能多卖几本
不，等等
那里的节庆跟我们不同吧？
或许我们得要再版
你知道的，美国版
这样的话…
妳儿子被捕了
我知道
也被放了 就为了10公克薄荷
唯一的危险是 它不能拿来做饼
但他以为那是毒品
妳想留下吗？
弄清楚原因
是的，我想，但是…
电视公司那女人是跟我联络
我是那个负责…
克莉，我们可以应付的
我们都很大了
尤其是西莉
妳好
不知妳能否为我推荐些地毯
妳是卖地毯的吧？
妳是地毯仓库的老板吧？
对不起，我正在等人
我知道
等我丈夫
我只是来伊克利
看看自己到底哪里不如人
好吧，妳现在比较过了
他告诉我 妳是一间地毯仓库的经理
他告诉我妳已经死了
我想或许我是死了
妳真美，宝贝
抱歉
你说的是哪一位？
是那个勾引别人老公的荡妇？
还是我？
给我滚！艾迪？
不，你们留下来好好享受
我要去好莱坞了
艾迪？
抱歉我迟到了
法兰的动作好慢
老天，妳到底带了多少衣服？
如果有什么事 就打电话找苏菲阿姨
妳不告诫我 别做不该做的事吗？
妳已经做过了，妈
好了，各位
大家都有机票吗？
有
护照呢？ 有
偷腥的丈夫？
没有吗？那只有我有了
出发
来吧
到好莱坞
搭贵公司最耀眼的飞机
抱歉，各位女士 妳们走错柜台了
什么？
我问过4个人
全都说往洛杉矶 任何柜台都能登记
我们在唯一的队伍里 排了二十分钟
那是你们的人告诉我们的
我们到底哪里弄错了？
妳们不用排队
妳们将乘坐更好的舱等
妳们被升等了
我们要坐头等舱了
妳们也可以在这办登机手续
谢谢妳
好女孩，我就知道她人很好
西莉，按右边的按钮
我正在按
椅子沉下去了
再见
太棒了
拜拜
我的脚卡住了
（没有性生活）
（一月先生没有性生活）
（裸体女郎丈夫爆料）
（我好几个星期没做了）
（可怜哈先生倾诉不满心绪）
我们现在在哪，珂拉？
这是日落大道
不会吧
再见了，各位，待会见
好漂亮，快上来
好莱坞，我们来了
下来，别胡闹了
午安，各位女士
我来就好
女士们，欢迎光临洛杉矶
我们第一次来这里
真的吗？
我姓柯
柯太太
或者我该称妳二月小姐？
我在报上看过妳们的照片了
谢谢妳，夫人
没关系
我来为妳介绍设备吧？
好的
这里有两台电视机，一边一台
全都有接有线电视，可以上网
也可以看付费电影
这里有一座全配备酒吧
但如果妳需要特调饮料 请尽管打电话要求…
妳还好吗？夫人
很好，我只是有点累
我想到我的房间去
这是本饭店的豪华套房，夫人
这里就是妳的房间
来，我带妳去楼下看看 很美的
妳到过浴室没？
我也是，我正在泡澡
泡泡浴精是迪奥的耶
连泡泡浴精都是迪奥的
妳想他们会要我们付钱吗？
希望不会
看这边，很好
太棒了，接着上礼车
上礼车，很好…棒极了
让我帮你和大家拍张照
不，我们得走了，好了
亲他一下，用手搭着他的肩
英国女人绑架我
我们不会放他的
好耶
接下来要做什么？
克莉
妳看起来美呆了
真漂亮，太棒了
走
很好，女士们
好，接下来到另一边拍
各位等一下
女士们，拜托
我们还要再拍一组
拜托，女士们
总共4页，还上了头版
报导我不再和他做爱了
我一定要离开
媒体记者现在一定都到了
所以罗德得自己应付这一切？
他和詹姆
这么做不像是罗德的作风吧？
爆这种料？
他是不是被人骗了？
妳有没有查清楚？
或者妳当下转身就走人了？
妳还好吧？
很好
我很好
安妮、克莉
他们是法兰、史考和约翰
他们都是炭疽乐团的成员
妳们好，我听过很多妳们的事
我们很钦佩妳们
我们没听说过你们
我听过
你们有没有考虑过？
是的
差不多就是那个数字，对
这样吧，我先跟我的同伴谈谈 再跟你联络
好，再见，谢谢
谁打来的？
太棒了
谁？ 太棒了
化妆时再告诉妳
我们快谈成了
快看，就是他
他叫里诺还是雷诺？
雷诺
好，妳确定？
不对，我认为是里诺
是雷诺
他们不只要出3万美金 赞助在美国出版月历
猜猜我们在拍广告片时 谁正好在隔壁摄影棚？
什么？
猜猜我们在拍广告片时 谁正好在隔壁摄影棚？
广告？
他们赞助 我们拍洗衣粉广告
就是这样
乔治克隆尼
我能不能像珍妮弗艾斯顿？
六人行里的女主角？
我为什么要染发？
根本没道理
我才不要染发
今天的来宾来自于英国乡下… 该我们了
成为一群裸体月历女郎
她们今晚到场现身说法
请大家欢迎，来自英国奈普利
月历女郎
请她们上台吧
女士们，妳们好
很高兴见到妳们
大家都到了，请坐
随便坐吧
我很好奇 妳们做过脱衣舞娘吗
我们都不是脱衣舞娘
妳们拍照前有喝醉吗？
那没什么，我们的零件都一样
一样的零件？
没错，只是尺寸不同罢了
给我吃点饭团吧？
这叫寿司
我知道
它真的很具有暗示性
我可以做一些暗示
真的太棒了
祝妳们…一切顺利
还有，妳们不介意的话
请鼓励更多的女人裸体
各位，来自奈普利的女士们
我们得轮流回答别人的问题
这样别人什么都听不到
因为我们全都在讲话
安妮？
妳在做什么？
妳错过了
我们刚刚上了电视 那正是我们来此的目的
我以为妳是为了躲记者
你好？
有人在吗？
她们到了
很好、很好
欢迎，妳们今天好吗？
很好
太棒了
我叫丹尼，我是导演
克莉是哪一位？
妳就是？妳就是克莉？
很兴奋吧？
好，告诉妳
我已清场把闲杂男士都赶走了
太可惜了
我不想让妳们裸着身子
在不认识的男人面前走来走去 什么？
我们是拍洗衣粉广告吧？
把洗好的衣服挂起来
裸着身子挂
那样应该没问题吧？
妳们就是这么拍的，不是吗？
很好，太棒了
太棒了，很美，我喜欢
女士们，就是现在了
萝珊、卡萝…
经纪人高兴吗？
很高兴
安妮
我们马上回来，安妮…
安妮
安妮，这都是为了月历
我们只要这么做
就能在美国卖月历
妳要跟我说话吗？
我需要洗个澡
什么？
更衣间在这吗？ 妳说什么？
我觉得好脏
妳的洗衣粉让我觉得脏 我的洗衣粉？
我明白了，我懂了
就因为是我安排的，对吧？
因为我成功的找到赞助商
还提升了它的地位…
我们不只是 为亲属休息室募款
而是在对抗那该死的癌症
红灯亮了
妳受不了，对吧？
妳受不了我让月历大红大紫
不，克莉
事实是这月历让妳大红大紫
这话什么意思？
我们在哪里？
安妮，到底是什么意思？
别问我是什么意思
妳站在虚假的布景街上
只掂着要见乔治克隆尼
这些信呢，安妮？
一副南丁格尔 救世主的模样？
妳不也成了大明星？
很多人因这个病痛失挚爱
他们并没有收到支持者来信
难道那没让妳成功吗？
一位成功的遗孀
一位闻名的寡妇？
奈普利的圣人安妮
我不是圣人
因为我若是能买到 与他厮守的时光
我会强占月历所募得的 每一分钱
妳的丈夫还在
而妳人却在好莱坞
天啊！今天是星期四呢
快点，我们得赶快进去
妳们来吗？
老婆，妳好
儿子好吗？
他星期二做了大麻煎饼
从那时起我们就神智恍惚了
别担心，老婆 他不会有事的
老公…
我很抱歉
妳用不着道歉
我是该道歉
你在报上说的都是真的吧？
我不知道他是记者
那不是重点
你还是说了 为何不直接对我说
你为何不吼出来…
“妳到底在做什么？”
我知道妳会希望我那么做
如果我说“我老婆不准拍”
那更符合妳的 好莱坞电影情节
但我没说
因为我认为妳做的棒极了
所以我一直在背后支持妳
要儿子理解一切 并引以为傲
因为我要妳拥有这一切
谢谢
帮个忙，快进去 去跟安妮把话讲开
我不知道该怎么跟她说
她是妳的老朋友
妳什么都不用说
抱歉，女士们…
女士们，拜托
既然会程都被打乱了…
今天我们收到义卖月历 募款所得的数字
血癌研究基金会来函 信上写着…
目前为止我们总共募集了
1千5百万
为了这次的大成功 请大家给自己热烈的掌声
我们可以买那张皮沙发了
我已登记我们 为下个月的演讲人
“克莉与安妮”
“好莱坞历劫归来”
妳胡扯
派柯林要带他的桌巾收藏 来演讲
我真等不及想听了
有人想吃薯条吗？
直到目前为止
辣嬷写真月历已募集近3千万
这笔钱用来为当地医院 成立了血癌医疗小组
还买了一张沙发
谨以本片献给约翰贝克
谢谢观赏
[ Women talking indistinctly ]
Make a bit more room.
Sit on the edge.
Ladies. Oh, I thought I was cutting it a bit fine.
So I told him it's not...
He says, "oh, that's..."
[ Indistinct talking continues ]
She can get me the one color.
[ "Jerusalem" plays on piano ]
¶ And did those feet... ¶
so, ladies...
Straight to the high point of our meeting...
our guest speaker.
I'm very pleased to welcome Alan rathbone from York,
who's gonna be giving us a talk on the history
of the milk marketing board.
Thank you, Alan.
Rathbone: Good evening, ladies...
Of the women's institute.
¶ ...countenance divine... ¶
ladies, I'd like to welcome iris benton from ilkley.
She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs.
[ Woman whispering ]
I beg your pardon, iris. I stand corrected.
It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting.
Oh, thank God.
For a minute there, I thought it was going to be dull.
Thank you, iris.
¶ Bring me my bow... ¶
our 'round-the-world cruise started in September,
in skipton, when we booked the tickets.
[ Stifling laughter ] That's them.
They were a special offer,
and it was essential, my wife told me,
shh. To book them before the 25th of the month.
¶ ...chariot of fire ¶
[ women snoring ] Thank you.
¶ I will not cease ¶
¶ from mental fight ¶
¶ nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ¶
I don't know about you ladies,
but can I just say, pauline,
I had no idea that broccoli could be so intriguing.
Thank you. Thank you.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Now, then, ladies,
[ laughing ] Can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle?
No. Yes!
No!
All right, I'll ask him.
Volunteer your own husband.
Oh, yeah, right.
What's rod going to talk to the w.I. About?
Well, yeah, exactly.
That's exactly what John would say.
What the hell am I gonna speak about?
But, John, I don't care.
Whatever it is, it's gonna be better
fetch them seedlings. Than the bloody history of the cauliflower.
Or whatever it is we've got waiting for us next week. Right...
One seedling... Annie... Annie, tell him.
in each pot. John, the whole point of the w.I.
Is, uh... Hey, listen to me.
Annie, what is the point of the w.I.?
"Enlightenment,
fun, and friendship." "...Fun, and friendship."
Well, there, you see? It's right.
It's... it's... it's them... them things.
[ Chuckling ]
Obviously, in my case, it's something you did
because your mother wanted you to,
and then she went and died,
you love it. So it was too late.
One seed in each pot. In a minute.
You're bloody useless, you are.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, look. Is that all right like that?
I've done the harman wedding, but the carnation table fronts
need to be done for that conference in guiseley.
Good lord. Nagging lilies. [ Chuckles ]
And I couldn't find the order form.
I thought after your fantastic reorganization,
all the order forms had to go on the bent nail.
Are you going upstairs to do your homework?
[ Chuckling ] Am I bollocks.
What happened yesterday can't happen ever again.
[ Indistinct talking on television ]
[ Stairs creaking ]
Jem?
Mum. [ Sighs ]
[ Footsteps ]
[ Stairs creaking ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Oh, you... but... shoo!
You beggar!
[ Crow caws ]
Go on!
Oh, he's a little devil, is that crow.
He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something.
Something we need to have a little...
a little chat about.
Annie...
Don't leave me.
[ Sighs ]
Hey, come here.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, hey.
I'm not leaving you.
You soft girl.
[ Chuckles ]
At least I bloody hope not.
So, uh...
You know what kind is it he's got?
Says he's gonna call it "Saddam Hussein."
[ Chuckles ]
You should have told us.
I'm your oldest friend.
You should've told me the moment you found out.
I did.
No big hoo-ha, though, okay?
Okay.
It'll just make it easier for him to get back to normal
when he gets out, you know, and, um,
and the tests are clear.
Yeah.
And everything.
[ Man shouts indistinctly ]
[ Mid-tempo folk music plays ]
Man on p.A.: All entries for the home and craft competition
to the w.I. Tent immediately, please.
What are they... hells angels?
[ Talking indistinctly ]
Listen, we're gonna make a move.
We'll see you back at the tents.
All right. See you later. Yeah.
Yeah. Come... [ Children squealing ]
Oh, this is well done. Right.
"Garden in a plant pot." Yeah, we've done that.
"Straightest courgette." Yeah, we've done that.
"Most creative thing done with an egg." We've done that.
Well, then, we've done everything, haven't we? Come on!
Look at 'em...
Highgyll w.I.
[ Mumbles mockingly ]
"Let's arrange our cakes 'round an old cartwheel."
Does look pretty, though.
Whose side are you on, brutus?
No, I didn't mean...
What's your event, by the way?
"Tea tray."
On an international theme.
I did Jamaica, but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.
You know, if more people did w.I.,
there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.
Good. Ruth. International tea tray.
"Victoria sponge." Annie's on Victoria sponge.
Um..."Something for under a pound"...
Kathy. Kathy.
Where's that?
What's that?
Well, Annie won't have had time,
running yul brynner in and out of skipton general,
so... Ta-da.
Oh, I'm sorry. Just took a bit long...
oh, my God, the cake!
Told you. It's all right. Chris has saved the day.
You baked that?
Well, I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.
I can't knit or make plum jam,
but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge.
Ooh. All right. Thank you.
Of course, I didn't actually bake this one.
I got it from marks & Spencer's but, you know...
What?! What?!
The point is...
You can't enter a cake that you've bought in a shop!
Get off!
It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it?
This is about putting up a united front against highgyll.
This isn't bakery.
It's zulu.
On the ready!
[ Cheering ]
I did. I put more than last year.
I thought it would be better.
Man on p.A.: Uh, will the parents of the young lad
in the spider-man t-shirt
please meet him under the gorilla?
[ Ding ]
[ Cheering ]
Now, excitement in the main tent,
where the w.I. Judging's begun.
Oh, yeah?
Jury's back. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen...
The winner of this year's may wilkinson trophy
for Victoria sponge, maximum 12-inch diameter,
I'm pleased to say, is entry number 213...
Nice knowing you, Chris.
[ Imitating "the fly" ] Help me.
Oh, that's interesting.
entered by knapely w.I.
And baked by Chris Harper.
Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake.
Thanks. Thanks very much.
And I'm proud to say
this cake also wins
the judges' 2002 discretionary award.
[ Whistling ]
[ Squeals ]
Really beautiful.
Thank you.
Listen, I never normally ask this...
the lightness of that sponge.
Is there a... a trick...
a technique... how you got that?
Uh...
Well... well, um,
I basically stuck to me mother's advice
about cake baking... yes.
Uh, which is, uh, line the bowl with butter,
always use a warm spoon...
And if it's a special event...
Get it at marks & Spencer's.
[ Laughs ]
[ All laughing ]
Oh! Oh.
[ Laughing ] Here comes...
Throw the cake at them.
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
Are you throwing my cake?
That is disrespectful.
This is very good.
Of course it's good.
They don't give the may wilkinson out lightly,
you know.
In fact, I'm going to be asked to do
a master class at the w.I.
Oh, that'll be interesting.
Oh, well... well, wasn't I supposed to do one?
Something? Yeah? Mmm.
For the w.I.? Or don't you want that?
Anyway, I tell you what, if you...
if you want me to do it, you better get it in quick.
[ Birds squawking ]
¶ Bring me my bow of burning gold ¶
go, go, go, go, go.
Kiss.
They're on "arrows of desire."
You're not going off to ilkley without a kiss.
Love, I go every Thursday. It's not an overseas posting.
Kiss.
¶ Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ¶
¶ till we have built Jerusalem ¶
¶ in england's green and pleasant land ¶
well, firstly, how else could we start
than by congratulating Chris
on not only winning the may wilkinson
but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.
[ Piano fanfare plays ]
We're so pleased.
Now, the next item on the agenda is the calendar.
Last year, we had views of local Bridges.
So this year, I thought we could go for
the 12 most beautiful views of...
George Clooney.
the churches of wharfedale.
11 fully clothed
and a little lift-the-flap for December.
[ Stifled laughter ]
Chris?
Yeah? Oh, no. No. Nothing.
She said, "George Clooney."
[ Laughter ]
No.
No, Marie, I'm... I'm fine, you know, with whatever.
Churches of wharfedale it is, then.
[ Laughs ]
Well, it should be bloody George Clooney.
I mean, come the toss between burnsall church
and George Clooney,
I know which one I'd rather wake up looking at.
Hey, it is a Norman church, you know.
Oh, I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John.
It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, careful. You'll pull your drip out.
I mean, anyway, let's face it.
Oh, hate to be a revolutionary...
it might actually sell a few copies.
[ Laughing ] Yeah.
The w.I. Posing pouch calendar.
Flesh sells, I tell you.
Yeah. [ Breathes deeply ]
Right. Decided.
So, where do we get a photographer?
Art college.
It's full of charlatans
who prostitute their talent for money.
Is it? Yeah.
Lawrence was telling me.
[ Straining ] Hey, you... you want to see
this kid's photographs?
Yeah, look, don't go on about them.
He's taking some of me sunflowers
to see how they're getting on.
See, it's not... it's not your photographer...
it's your models.
Professional models cost a bloody bomb.
Hey...
I'll model for you for nowt.
[ Scoffs ] No, thanks, John.
I've just seen your backside,
and, believe me, it's not like George's.
[ Laughs ]
There you go.
[ Springs squeaking ] Ow!
Oh, this bloody settee.
They're gonna need another relatives room.
For the relatives of the relatives who got injured
on the settee in the bloody relatives room.
[ Sighs ]
[ Clicks tongue ]
So, did you talk to the specialist?
John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old, um...
Pneumonia and septicemia.
Oh, well, that's good. I've heard of those.
They can deal with those, can't they?
It means his immune system's weakened.
Chemo isn't working.
Which means we're finally out of straws.
[ Breathing heavily ] [ Cows mooing ]
[ Sighs ]
Don't you go buying any benches.
I'll do what the hell I like, John Clarke.
You put a bench out here...
It'll have "Leeds stuffed arsenal" on it
before you get back to the car.
[ Laughs ]
Come on.
I've written me speech.
W.I.
All right.
[ Paper rustling ]
I did it about me job.
And all this.
You read it to me.
[ Sighs ]
"Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire."
"Every stage of their growth
is more beautiful than the last."
"But the last phase...
Is always the most glorious."
[ Sighs ]
"Then, very quickly, they all go to seed."
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ] Oh, you...
Cheeky beggar.
A while ago,
I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here
at knapely w.I.
Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight.
And this is what he wrote.
"The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.
"Every stage of their growth has its own beauty,
but the last phase is always the most glorious."
"Then, very quickly, they all go to seed..."
[ Laughter ]
"...which makes it ironic...
"my favorite flower isn't even indigenous to the British isles,
"let alone Yorkshire.
"I don't think there's anything on this planet
that more trumpets life than the sunflower."
"For me, that's because of the reason behind its name...
"not because it looks like the sun,
"but because it follows the sun.
"During the course of the day,
"the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky.
"A satellite dish for sunshine.
"Wherever light is, no matter how weak,
"these flowers will find it,
"and that's such an admirable thing...
And such a lesson in life."
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Metal clanks ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?
[ Mumbles ]
You what?
He does a paper round.
It pays for his elocution lessons.
Yeah? Well, he's bent these good-style.
It'll be, uh...
Uh...
25 quid, that, love.
I have to have it.
Mum?
Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?
No.
Moving gently into the locust.
And then... We have...
The lion...
I have to admit,
I'm concerned about our great leader's grasp of tai chi.
and into the llama.
Llama? Llama?
Are there llamas in China?
Okay...
What? [ Light laughter ]
Are you all looking in the right direction?
See you Thursday, girls.
Bye, love. Bye. Bye.
How's Annie?
How can we help, do you think?
Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?
[ School bell rings ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Bicycle bell dings ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Girls laughing ]
It is... I'm telling you.
Girls laughing is a good sign.
It's a top sign, I tell you.
Bloody hell, if you're in with Debbie nolan...
not being unsound here, but...
She has got the most fantastic tits.
She has got fi-I-ne mangoes.
Actually, not mangoes.
I don't imagine they'd be hard like mangoes.
Maybe... Plums.
Ripe plums.
You know... big, ripe plums.
No, what am I saying?
No, not plums... balloons!
That's it.
That's exactly what they're like.
A pair of balloons you find behind your settee
three days after a party.
Gaz...
Will you stop talking about tits?
Why would I ever want to do that?
Well, I think it's a great idea.
You weren't concentrating, were you, Ruth?
I was.
We're going to raise money for the hospital
to buy a sofa in John's name.
By posing for a nude calendar.
Oh, no!
Oh, sit down.
I'm not asking you to straddle an harley-Davidson.
It's still a bit of a leap from burnsall church, love.
Yes, but that's the whole point.
You see, like, it's... it's an...
it's an alternative calendar. It's, um...
It's what John suggested.
Did he?
"The last stage of the flower
is the most glorious."
So what this calendar would be saying is,
"yes, John, actually, we agree."
With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase,
"whip your bras off."
[ Clears throat ]
It's £999 in the leather, that sofa.
Can I remind you how much last year's calendar raised?
£75.60.
60.
Are you having it?
Ho ho, we're having it, all right.
Come on, I'll show you it all.
Yeah, we'll get back to you. Thank you.
Jem: She's...
I don't know. She's being weird.
Normal weird or weird weird?
She found this.
You're kidding. "Big bazookas."
I saw her looking at it.
God, I bet she went off her head.
My mum did when she found me "rubber housewives."
[ Chuckles ]
It's a difficult age.
Roundabout now,
women go through a difficult age...
When they get all irrational and odd
and difficult to predict.
How do you know?
Me dad told me.
Right...
No. Ruth...
I've got to go, anyway.
Eddie's getting back from ilkley.
Nobody's going to see anything, I promise you.
You take the picture.
Oh, I'm... I'm not quite sure how to shoot...
Oh!
No, not yet. Wait.
Oh, you've just taken one of the table.
Won't sell a lot of calendars, will it?
It's that button.
Right.
Can anyone see my nipples?
You bloody would if it were your mum.
Look, what's she done?
Flicked through one jazz mag and looked at a mucky calendar.
That doesn't make her a lesbian.
Annie: Hi, jem.
Your mother's...
Just, uh...
Um...
Uh, just, uh...
Just go on upstairs with your friend, okay?
[ Door closes ]
[ Keys jingling ]
How was ilkley?
Hey, what are you doing up?
How'd it go?
Oh...[ Sighs ]
You know.
They're not a scintillating lot... carpet dealers.
They only get excited about bonded underlay.
Coming to bed?
Aye, in a bit.
Just having a wind-down.
Man on TV: Customer base will come through.
I don't want any more announcements of redundancies.
[ Women laughing ]
[ Bells jingle ]
I've come for my photos.
Uh, I can't find me little, you know, receipt thingy.
The name's har... here they are.
It's £4.99, please.
Thank you.
[ Sniffles ]
Keep the penny. Thank you.
[ Stifled laughter ]
I'm surprised they printed it.
Oh, it's probably on the Internet by now.
From the sound of it, most people have seen it already.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, for God's sake.
I mean, lots of people have their photos taken
with their tops off on holiday in Ibiza, don't they?
I think it just probably came as a slight shock, Chris...
what with the previous 15 photos being of flower arrangements.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I've screwed up a-bloody-gain, haven't I?
Yet a-bloody-gain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, what we have to ask ourselves here is this...
what is the difference between this
and the Venus de milo?
Oh, I love quizzes.
The cooker? Celia.
Both feature women with their breasts exposed.
What makes one a work of art?
I think the answer to that is very simple...
an artist.
She's clever. [ Groans ]
An artist.
Oh... oh...
She's lovely.
Lovely light you've used on the face there.
Yes. Really got her eyes, didn't he.
And... and all those curls.
Mm-hmm.
Oh... Oh...
So, have you photographed many humans,
or is it mainly, um...
Uh, 'tis mainly poodles.
Oh. Oh.
The blood represents globalization,
and the, uh, sheep's skull is the death of democracy.
And the carrot?
The carrot is capitalism.
Oh. Oh.
[ Gasps ]
Mainly orchids.
I'm particularly interested in woodland orchids.
And butterflies.
I love photographing native butterflies.
What exactly is your project?
Hello, ladies.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Telephone rings ]
It'll be all right.
Yes, you can go to...
This is crazy.
He won't remember.
Must see thousands of people come through here every day.
Ah, Mrs. Clarke.
John's wife.
Yes.
Hiya.
[ Chuckles ]
Um...
Are you serious?
You got 12 women in skipton who are all, uh...
Committed to doing a nude photo shoot?
Well, technically, we haven't got 12.
Yes.
So long as we can find the right photographer.
[ Organ music plays ]
We've found the right photographer.
Are you going to commit to it?
You are?
Sorry.
Don't think of it as naked, Cora.
It's not naked. It's nude.
[ Sighs ]
Annie, I am 55 years old.
So, if I'm not gonna get 'em out now, when am I?
[ Organ plays sustained note ]
Book!
[ "The wedding march" plays ]
It's the whole showing-your-breasts issue
that concerns me.
Well, I-I think the whole point is that...
is that we don't properly.
I know. That's what concerns me.
Yours are good, are they?
They're tremendous.
Jessie, we're getting to the point now
where we really need to commit.
Now, I know it's...
no front bottoms.
What?
I mean, just as long as it's no front bottoms.
That's a sight I've reserved for just one man in my life.
Right. Well, do you think your husband will mind?
It wasn't my husband.
Of course you've got a body worth looking at.
Just look at that parking!
Ruth...
Doesn't it annoy you when people take two spaces?
Look, look...
None of us have got a body worth looking at.
No, well, that's not...
We're not all chrises in this life.
Some of us are ruths.
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ]
Ruth. Ruth...
Right. I-I did a bit of thinking about this calendar.
Um...
Okay, I think there's a trick we could play here.
Um... At first glance,
it should look like, uh, y-your classic w.I. Calendar...
uh, you know, a-all your... y-your jams, cakes, sewing,
and all that...
you know, everything you'd expect...
except for one tiny thing.
The person doing it is... is, uh...
Naked.
It's... That... it's perfect, Lawrence.
Really, it's perfect. It's wonderful!
[ Women chuckling ] A-a different girl for every month,
in a different guise...
painting, um, press...
[ Laughter ]
Until December, when I thought we could do, like,
a group photo of you all together, um, you know,
singing a Christmas Carol.
Oh! That's a great idea!
[ Laughing ] Great!
I like father Christmas.
Yes! Fantastic.
There's just one small problem.
What?
The photographer's a man.
Yeah, but the point is, we won't actually be showing anything.
In the photos.
I imagine a considerable amount
will be on display in the room.
That's a point.
He'll have to be in the room to take the photo.
With us naked!
Yeah. Or nude.
No, listen...
An art photographer doesn't see a naked woman.
He sees a life model.
Yes. No, the nudity isn't important.
That's easy to say when you've got your knickers on.
No, but he'll be looking at us as an artist.
[ Chuckles ] I've heard that one before. Have you?
Oh, look, he's not that kind of bloke.
I've heard that one before.
Where is he?
[ Sighs ] Oh...
Gone, needless to s...
Lawrence?
[ Inhales deeply ]
I mean, have you any idea how intimidating it is
to come in here in front of you lot?
How much it's taken that young man to do that?
[ Women mumbling ]
Of course we're not gonna go around
parading ourselves in a room full of men!
This isn't... France.
For God's sake.
Lawrence will set up the photo...
Leave the room,
dressing gowns come off,
and one of us will click the shutter.
Oh...
Right.
Lawrence?
I think these girls got something to say to you.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Lawrence.
¶ I will not cease ¶
¶ from mental fight ¶
¶ nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ¶
¶ till we have built Jerusalem ¶
¶ in england's green and pleasant land ¶
right.
Has anyone any activities planned
we might want to seek approval for
at national conference?
Oh, yes, always wise.
We wouldn't want to do anything without approval
from national committee...
not with knapely being such a proud w.I.
With an unblemished reputation.
Where it would take only one small act
by a few rogue individuals to ruin a reputation
that we've spent all these years...
all right, all right.
All right.
Look, we're planning a calendar for John, everyone.
Yeah. It's...
it's, um, to raise money f-for, uh...
Well, to buy something for the relatives room
in, uh, in knapely general.
Oh. Oh. O.
[ Murmuring ]
And?
And... With us on it.
One for each month.
What did she say?
And?
Well...
Uh, that... that's about it, really.
Naked!
Naked?
Not naked... nude.
What's the difference?
Art.
And seeing Marie's raised the issue,
we're a good few months short.
[ Laughter ]
Is that not because all this has the air
of another one of Chris' great ideas...
like the vodka-tasting night?
[ Laughter ]
No, no, because I'm going to make sure
this one turns out okay, Marie.
Because it's for John.
It was inspired by John
and it's for John and it's because of John.
And... and no matter what you might think of the idea, Marie,
you're looking at January.
[ Women gasp, chuckle ]
February.
[ Women gasping ]
March.
April! April!
[ Women giggling ]
[ Indistinct talking, laughing ]
Yeah. ...Do it.
Jessie: Chris, do we have to, you know,
make any special preparations?
Oh, no, no.
These pictures are going to be us, girls, as we come.
Oh, God.
Gray hair, cellulite, the lot.
Oh. Oh, no.
Remember, "the last phase...
All: ...ls the most glorious!"
[ Laughter ]
Do you have any pictures of rene Russo?
[ Electrical buzzing ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Moans ]
That's very good. [ Exhales deeply ] Okay.
[ Sighs ]
[ Crunches ]
A week?
I know. But he's a client.
He does, um, you know this new chain of hotels...
northern... Summat.
Shall I come?
[ Sighs ]
What?
Oh, save your sanity, love.
You know, it's carpet.
If I raced dragsters,
there might be something worth watching.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, I wanted to play next Wednesday,
but I've got a bloody corp meeting in halifax.
[ Men talking indistinctly ]
Um... Oh, darling, come on.
Your ball's over there.
I'm coming, Frank.
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Beep ]
T-minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks.
As we speak, darling. As we speak.
Darling! Come on.
Good girl.
[ Birds chirping ]
So, we're going to go?
We're going to go. That's the decision
that's the decision?
We're going to go and tell them we're not going to do it.
Okay.
[ Bottles clinking ]
[ Whistles ]
[ Women giggling ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
You have to realize, I've never appeared nude
in front of anyone in my life.
Not even Frank?
Frank's a major.
We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis.
[ Indistinct talking ] None of us have been here before, love.
I mean, for God's sake,
my John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975.
What happened in the spring of '75?
There was a lizard in the shower block at abergale.
[ Laughter ]
Quite a few people saw me naked that morning.
[ Laughter ] [ Clock chiming ]
[ Yawns ]
[ Cards shuffling ]
Oh.
Oh, that's not fair.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
That's it.
Right.
Shit or bust.
[ Laughter ]
All right, Lawrence.
Ready when you are.
She's the first. You're up.
[ Clock chimes ]
They'll never go through with it.
I'll put it here because it's a tool of the trade.
Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit.
Raise the lamp for me.
No, don't touch that. Don't.
Okay?
Right.
Annie, Chris? Hmm?
Can you just clear frame for me? Okay, yeah.
Okay, Celia... Mm-hmm?
Just lean in toward camera a little bit.
Right.
Enough?
Perfect.
[ Sighs ]
[ Click ]
Okay. Ready.
Um...
Okay.
Lawrence...
We're going to need considerably bigger buns.
[ Laughter ]
Jessie: Weren't the buns flat?
No, don't mess with the buns.
I like them like this. They cover more.
No, don't... don't touch the composition.
No, but, Lawrence,
were the top buns flat?
[ Stammers ] Flat.
Yeah, but flat for us or flat for her?
[ Women gasping ]
Don't touch the buns.
Please.
Sorry.
Bad girl.
Bun toucher.
[ Stifled laughter ]
She's got to look relaxed.
I am bloody relaxed.
And she's got to smile.
I am smiling.
Not... not too much. Um...
I want it... Enigmatic.
She looks like she's seen somebody she knows
in the distance.
Left side up a little.
Your right side down a little...
And the middle section sort of...
Oh, for God's sake, get bloody botticelli in here.
Lawrence...
Hiya.
Get in here. [ Sighs ]
Chin down to your left.
You look beautiful, Celia.
[ Shutter clicks ]
Okay...
We're away.
[ B.B. King's "you upset me baby" plays ]
I used to be in a band in the '70s.
One day...
[ Shutter clicks ]
Thank you.
Yeah.
That's, uh...
¶ Yeah, she's 36 in the bust ¶
¶ 28 in the waist ¶
¶ 44 in the hips ¶
¶ she got a real crazy legs ¶
¶ you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ yes, you upsets me, baby ¶
come on, sugden, it's your own time you're wasting.
I was his junior school teacher.
Oh, jessie!
What did we say about relaxing him?
What did she say about relaxing him?!
[ Women giggling ]
Pfft!
¶ You upsets me, baby ¶ [ Shutter clicks ]
¶ Yes, you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ like being hit by a falling tree, woman ¶
¶ woman, what you do to me ¶
¶ well, I've tried to describe her ¶
¶ it's hard to start ¶
¶ I better stop now because I got a weak heart ¶
¶ you upsets me ¶
cup of tea, girls?
¶ Well, you upsets me, baby ¶ [ Giggling ]
[ Cat yowls ]
¶ Well, it's like being hit by a falling tree ¶
¶ woman, what you do to me ¶
[ piano plays off-key ]
There's no e-flat in "Jerusalem."
I'll be a bit disappointed if they're looking at me fingers.
[ Grunts ]
[ Shutter clicks ]
[ Shutter clicking ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh.
All right.
Are you doing this one?
What's your name?
Ruth.
I'm Lawrence. Photographer.
One minute.
¶ Yeah ¶
Lawrence. Lawrence, who's next?
Ruth.
Ruth? Ruth?
No. No, wait, Lawrence.
[ Indistinct talking ]
Right. Let's do it.
[ Shutter clicks ]
¶ Well, I've tried to describe her ¶
¶ it's hard to start ¶
uh, could I have, um...
Well, you know, some privacy?
No. No. No.
Off...
All: Off! Off!
Off! Off! Off!
Off! [ Laughter ]
¶ Woman, what you do to me ¶
[ applause ]
[ Shutter clicks ]
¶ We wish you a merry Christmas ¶
¶ and a happy new year ¶
[ laughter ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
No, no, no, no...
I'll take you up on that.
[ Gasps ]
Congratulations.
It's a calendar.
Yes, yes, black and white with just one color.
Oh, um...
I don't know. Uh, 300...
Fo... 400.
No, fi... 500 copies.
Uh, so how much would that be?
Thank you. Get back to you.
It's never that much.
Well, it bloody is.
We're looking for... for sponsorship,
and my husband always used your products, you see.
He worked for the national parks.
John Clarke?
Yes. Yes. That's right.
He... he died of leukemia.
Aye, I know. I am sorry.
Thank you.
Well, what do you need sponsorship for?
Okay, um...
Right, we're getting there.
But the sunflower needs to leap outward at you.
More yellow.
[ Indistinct talking ] Quiet! Look, look, you can't all be July.
It's my birthday in July.
My divorce came through in march.
I'd like to be September.
[ Knock on door ]
Hi.
I'm not disturbing you, am I?
I was just passing.
Oh, I bought, um...
They're nothing much.
Oh, Marie, they're lovely. Come on in.
I never felt I really knew John.
He worked for the national park, didn't he?
Mmh.
I just wanted to say, Annie, if there's anything...
these are beautiful.
What are they? Are they gerberas?
Gorgeous.
You should get away for a bit, have a holiday, you know...
get out of knapely.
[ Chuckles ] Are you trying to get rid of me?
[ Laughs ] No, no. I-I just...
I feel I have to say something, Annie, but...
more tea?
Uh, no, no. Um...
I do know how difficult things must be for you at the moment...
how you must be feeling.
Do you?
Oh, dear.
Do you think John would have approved of this, Annie?
Really?
You didn't know John, you say.
No, but... I know that he was a good man, a decent man.
If your concern is for the reputation of knapely w. I...
No, that's not what I'm saying... well, I think it is,
no, I... Marie.
The w.I. Is about doing good,
and I think we have to ask ourselves what does more good...
knowing slightly more about broccoli one week
than we did the last
or providing some comfort for someone
in the worst hours of their life,
because that's what it's like, sweetheart.
And, no, I don't think you do know how I feel.
[ Sniffles ]
Chris: Annie!
Result!
Oh.
Oh, hello, Marie. Sorry.
Were... were you...
Um... Uh... I don't know.
Marie, had you finished? Uh...
You ought to put a penny in with those.
They'll last longer.
Chris.
What was that about?
Don't ask. What's the result?
I've got us a sponsor.
What?!
Pbbt! To those boring old farts at Carmichael seed.
Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings.
The beer?
All our printing costs and a press launch.
But the beer people? And then all we have to do
is put their little logo thing at the bottom of each page.
No, but...[ Sighs ]
The seed company made sense
because, you know, John loved flowers.
But he never drank beer, Chris.
You know that.
It's not about the beer, Annie. It's about the money.
[ Cellphone rings ] Oh!
[ Gasps ]
Lawrence: There it is. Well, have a look.
Annie: Oh, it's beautiful.
Hello, is this "the skipton news"?
I think it would be for half a day.
Could I speak to your publicity person, please?
I don't think we'd need it for...
Well, it's just I want to make an announcement.
Sorry, madam chairman, can I just, uh... sorry.
Sorry... madam chairman, I'm sorry.
Sorry. Uh...
It's knapely.
Sorry?
In Yorkshire. Oh, charming.
[ Stammers ] Listen...
I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of conference but...
There's an issue come up at my w.I.
Which I feel duty-bound to inform you of.
Well, you'll have to be brief. This way.
[ Birds chirping ]
Bastard!
She wouldn't have done it deliberately.
I mean, the absolute... and I hate to use the word...
the... well, don't, then. No.
It might have just slipped out.
Oh, yes, to Brenda mooney,
who happens to be madam chairman
of the national w.I. Federation.
Well, we could just...
I mean, Marie has deliberately poured poison down there.
Well, we'll just...
what? Do what? Do what, Ruth?
Just... I mean, please tell me,
seeing as 500 calendars are being printed as we speak.
Well, if we can't use the name "women's institute"
we just don't use it.
If it's not the women's institute,
it's just a load of middle-aged women
mysteriously standing naked behind fruitcakes.
[ Light laughter ]
Oh, my God. It would look like pornography.
[ Laughter ]
But I don't know what's on the order form.
Look, it's... it's under the tin can
where the bent nail used to be.
You're just gonna have to sort this one out
on your own, sweetheart.
Why?
Where the hell are you?
Tell you later.
I'll be back tonight for the press conference. Bye.
[ Indistinct talking ]
Oh, good! Oh, uh...
Chris Harper and Annie Clarke from knapely
to see Brenda mooney.
You're official delegates?
No. Yes. From knapely.
And you're here to do an open spot?
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes.
All right. Follow me.
We're in.
What's an open spot? Sounds painful.
I don't know.
You're very last-minute. Have to go on straightaway.
On where? Don't know.
Which w.I. Are you?
Knapely. We're from knapely.
An awful lot of them.
Oh.
Um... Brenda... Mrs.... sorry.
Madam chairperson...
Conference, please.
S-sorry? I beg your pardon?
Address the whole conference, please.
Oh, go...
well, uh...
Come on. You can do it.
Mooney: The final open spot of the morning
is the delegate from knapely.
Knapely.
[ Gulps ]
I...
uh...[ Sighs ]
We wanted to come...
To ask approval from...
Well, from... from you all...
um...
Ok... [ Chuckles softly ]
We... we want to do, uh, a w.I. Calendar,
um, which raises enough money to buy,
um... A-a chair or a-a-a seat, um, a sofa,
or, um... Well, anything, really...
[ Buzzer ]
Sorry.
Um...
Okay, so, t-the thing is here is that
the hospital local to us in knapely is where my John...
[ Coughs ]
Where...
My husband...
[ Coughs ]
[ Buzzer ]
Thank you, knapely.
Best of luck with the settee.
Now... no, no, no, no, no. Just hold on.
J-just hold on a minute with your red light.
Sorry, does the other member from knapely
want to say something?
Yes, because she's about to commit heresy.
[ Thud ]
[ Feedback ] Hello?
Here we go.
[ Woman chuckles ]
Oh, God.
Look...
I hate plum jam.
[ Women chuckling ]
I only joined the w.I. To make my mother happy.
I-I do... I-I hate plum jam.
I'm crap at cakes. I can't make sponge.
I-in fact, seeing as it's unlikely
that George Clooney would actually come to skipton
to do a talk on what it was like to be in "er,"
there seems very little reason
for me to actually stay in the w.I....
except, suddenly...
suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved,
and to do that, I'm prepared to take me clothes off
for a w.I. Calendar.
And if you can't give us
ten minutes of your time, madam chairman, then...
well, then, frankly, guys,
I'm going to do it without council approval
because there are some things that are more important
than council approval.
A-a-and if it means that... that we get closer
to... to killing off this...
Shitty, cheating, sly,
conniving, bloody disease that cancer is...
oh, God, I tell you...
I'd run around skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam,
wearing nothing but a knitted tea cozy on me head
and... and singing "Jerusalem."
[ Laughter ]
Let's break.
Ten minutes.
[ Indistinct talking ]
We don't do nudity.
But we do do charity.
Can I assume this is a local fund-raiser
and you're not going to be making too big of a hoo-ha out of it?
In which case, it's a branch matter,
and I can leave any decision
in the hands of your branch president.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, sod it. Go on, then.
Oh, God!
Did you hear what she said? [ Squeals ]
Chris: "Evening news"? "Morning herald"? Annie: Yep. Done.
Oh, "the gazette." Did you invite the journalist from "the gazette"?
Yes.
Well, actually, so did I. We'll have two of them, then.
Here we go.
Thank you. Keep the change.
Oh, my God, it's half past!
Come on... the girls will have done
half the press conference by now.
Right. Where are we?
Uh, I think it's down here. Come on.
Oh. Here we are.
[ Sighs ]
How many press releases did I send out?
How many soddin' press releases?
Bloody local paper.
I mean, what bigger than this
has happened in knapely tonight?
Oh, don't tell me... someone's grown a u-shaped marrow.
[ Chuckles ]
We're going to lose money, aren't we?
Oh... Not only are we not going to raise it,
[ crying ] We're actually going to lose it.
Well, I suppose we did promise it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.
[ Sniffles ]
We tried.
At least you made that speech.
[ Sniffles ]
Yeah. Well, it's not enough, Annie.
[ Sniffles ]
I mean, I'd rather not have tried than to have to face Marie
and say, "oh, no, actually... yes, you were right.
It was another one of Chris' ideas."
[ Door opens ]
Oh. And what's worse... and this is a good one...
to add insult to injury,
I took me clothes off and no one was interested.
You after the w.I. Thing?
Yes. Yes.
Had to spill over. They're in ballroom.
Um, I don't think it's giving anything away
to say we did have the odd glass of wine...
Aah!
Chris! Celia!
[ The beach boys' "sloop John b" plays ]
Sorry?
Um... Well... John.
Our, uh...
Chris? Chris, could you take... [ Indistinct talking ]
[ Shutters clicking ] Ooh! Ooh!
Wait, Chris!
You're nude in "the telegraph," dear.
Uh, can you pass the bacon?
[ Tires screech ]
Open up, Maya, love, will you?
I have, mum.
We're full.
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Laughs ]
One minute, the dressing gown was on,
and the next, it was just me and the hat.
I'm standing here in the Yorkshire village of knapely,
where the local women's institute
has not only been raising money but raising eyebrows
by stripping for a charity calendar.
I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.
What's your family think of it?
I was worried that my daughter would be embarrassed.
Mum!
But she talked me into it.
Any magazine offers?
Well, it's his village, is knapely.
The house he grew up in was down embsay Lane.
And that church up there is where we got married. Hi, Annie!
Oh, hiya, jessie!
Okay. Sorry.
Miss September.
It's done me a world of good.
[ Indistinct talking ]
So, Chris, what gave you the idea?
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, excuse me.
Chris...
Hiya, dear.
I brought my journalists to meet your journalists.
Hello. [ Shutters clicking ]
To, uh, to... to, uh...
Develop ideas and to have, um,
you know, after all, the...
the w.I. Is about education and empowerment of women.
It's not just jam and "Jerusalem," you know.
The w.I. Nude calendar?
No, love, sorry.
But I definitely sent you a... a batch of 50.
Look...
Look... "minstergate bookshop, York... 50."
And I got 'em, love. And I put 'em out at 9:00.
And at 10 past 9:00,
we'd sold out.
Thanks very much.
Thank you!
Annie!
We've got to order more calendars.
We're down to the last 25.
What is it?
They were waiting for me.
Who?
When I got back.
Oh, my God.
Look at this, Chris.
[ Sighs ]
Oh...
It's happened to them just like it's happened to me.
I'm going to help them.
[ Sniffles ]
Mmm.
Cora: "And your photo made me smile
"for the first time in 15 months.
"Now I smile whenever I see the calendar.
"Thank you, girls, for your bravery and beauty.
Best wishes, vera Mason."
Jessie: "It reminded me so of Arlene.
"You seem to have the same spirit she had.
"I know she would have howled with laughter
"at your photographs.
Thank you again. Looking forward to the next."
Celia: "I'm currently in the high-security wing
"of her majesty's prison barlinnie in Scotland
"and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your... "
[ indistinct talking ]
It's on! It's on!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
speaking to the instigator
of the world's first nude w.I. Calendar... Chris Harper.
[ Cheering ] Man on TV: Yes, thanks. So, Chris, tell us how it all came about.
Because you wouldn't normally associate
the women's institute with nudity.
Oh, no! Shh.
No, no, no, the usual image of the w.I. Calendar
is of plums and jam and country views, but...
Well, we thought if glamour photographers can do it
on a beach in Bangkok, we could do it in a church hall
near skipton. Near skipton.
[ Laughter ]
Fantastic.
We feel fabulously!
I was trying to get in there. [ Laughs ]
Middle age didn't put them off stripping off,
and now these women are hogging the headlines
right across the north.
Chris Harper's behind it all.
Rather than fall back
on the usual twee landscape scenes,
she talked her friends into posing nude
for their local women's institute calendar...
not quite the jam and "Jerusalem"
the ladies are usually known for.
Chris says their husbands will never look at their wives
in the same way again...
and neither will the other members
of this quiet, little dales community.
[ Bird squawking ]
Where are you going?
It's Thursday.
But you just got back from the conference.
Eddie, I've got a surprise for you.
I've had it.
I got it when someone turned around
in the petrol queue and said,
"ain't this tart with her tits out your wife?"
[ Tires screech ]
Eddie!
[ Engine revs ]
Eddie! I didn't do it just to... I just...
Eddie!
[ Tires screech ]
Burston wedding today.
Morning, jem.
[ Telephone beeps ] I'm gaz.
And we've got another order.
It's a massive order, Chris.
Guy's coming 'round at 4:30.
Got a meeting.
When are you back? Later. Bye.
[ Door closes ] When later?
Anyone seen jem?
Normally more than one of you, is there?
Aye, uh, sorry.
But, uh, my wife...
She's a bit busy at the moment.
Kids?
No.
It's some w.I. Calendar thing she's organized.
She's on a chat show.
Not the calendar... the nude one?
Aye. [ Chuckles ] Well, that's... we...
we just bought one.
Eh, my wife came home... seriously, it's...
why, it's fantastic.
I'll tell her. [ Chuckles ]
So...
I've bought flowers off mister.
Come on, then, which one is she?
January.
Suppose you're getting sick of all this, are you?
Aye.
Oi, give us some of that.
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Thought I'd find you here.
You all right?
You got any money?
I mean, what is funny, right... between you and me...
some of the blokes, uh...
Frank... his wife would hardly undress in front of him before.
And now, apparently,
you know...
[ Laughter ]
And we're saying it's not had that effect
in our bedroom, I can tell you.
Hardly see her.
[ Clears throat ]
Sorry, I can't resist this...
Mr. January.
You don't mind, do you?
Aye. As long as I don't have to take me clothes off.
[ Camera whirs ]
[ Laughs ]
¶ I will not cease ¶ [ Cellphone rings ]
¶ From mental fight ¶
¶ nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ¶
¶ till we have built Jerusalem ¶
I'll tell you. It's unbelievable. Come on. All right.
Well, for the last two hours,
I have been exchanging phone calls...
with Hollywood.
What?! The real one?
No, Celia, the chocolate one.
Yes... the real one.
From who?
From the studio of a show with a man
whose name I've forgotten.
They're not coming all the way from America.
No.
We're going to do it on the phone?
No.
They only do face-to-face interview.
But if they won't come here
and they won't do it on the phone, how are we gon...
[ gasps ] Oh, my God.
[ Chuckles softly ]
Are we going to Hollywood?
[ Women squealing ]
Shh!
Shh.
Now, you're joking?
Reynoldson, with a "y."
Ohh, he's there.
Oh, please.
Could you put me through to his room?
Eddie?
[ Laughing ]
[ Deep, raspy voice ] Your toilet was broken,
but, uh, but I've fixed it now.
[ Coughs ]
All right, lads.
[ Coughs ]
Can I help you, officer?
You can put that joint out for a start.
Hollywood?
Well, it's not for fun. It's really important.
I mean, if we get on the telly in America,
it's fantastic publicity.
I mean, just imagine... the whole of America.
What about our business, Chris?
Or is that not important?
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Ringing continues ]
Can you get that?
I'm in a meeting.
Hello... flower power.
It won't be anything serious.
It'll be all right.
They're not charging him.
Oh, thank God. Oh, why?
Is it... is it not illegal, then?
Well, cannabis is,
but they tend not to worry too much about oregano.
[ Laughter ] Right.
Right.
Oh, jem...
You stupid... you... you stupid little...
oh, thanks, mum.
Jem...
it's all right. I'll go.
We've already had a little father-and-son.
Anyway, you've got to sign something up there before we can go.
Oh, right.
Jem!
Would you like to come this way, madam?
[ Sighs ] Yes, all right.
Oh. Thanks.
Thanks very much.
Good night. Good night.
Where is it? Where the hell is it?
Ah, passport.
Right, I'm hoping they'll let me in
with a few calendars.
After we've been on the American telly,
we might be able to shift a few.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
The holidays are all different there, aren't they?
Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint.
You know... the American version.
So...
Your son's been arrested.
Yes, I know.
And released, Annie, with 10 grams of oregano.
The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.
But he thought it was drugs, Chris.
Do you want to stay?
Find out why?
[ Sighs ]
Well, yes, I mean, I do, obviously, but...
[ Sighs ]
Well, the woman in the studio contacted me, Annie.
I'm the... the one who...
Chris, Chris, we can cope.
[ Chuckles ] We're big girls.
Particularly Celia.
[ Both chuckling ]
[ Sniffles ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Vehicles passing ]
[ Slow music playing, indistinct conversations ]
[ Glasses clinking ]
Hello.
I was wondering if you could quote me
for some carpet.
You do sell carpets?
You are the owner of a carpet warehouse?
Sorry. I'm with someone.
I know.
My husband.
I just came to ilkley
to see what I wasn't as good as.
Okay. Well, you've done that now.
He told me you were the manager
of a carpet warehouse.
Told me you were dead.
I think maybe I have been.
You are looking good, baby.
Sorry.
Which one of us are you talking about, Eddie...
the one that makes a tart of herself by taking her clothes off, or me?
Sod off.
Eddie...
No, no. You stay and enjoy yourselves.
I'm off to Hollywood.
[ Up-tempo Latin music plays ]
Eddie...
Sorry I'm late. Ooh.
Frank was so slow.
Bloody hell, Celia. How many frocks?
and you'll be flooded out.
And if anything goes wrong, phone your auntie syl.
It's full of calendars. Aren't you gonna say, "don't do anything i wouldn't do?"
You already have, mum.
Right, everyone. Has everyone got a ticket?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
A passport?
Yes. Yes.
A lying snake for a husband?
No? Only me, there, then.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hollywood, please... on your shiniest plane.
[ Laughter ]
[ Typing ]
Sorry, ladies. You've come to the wrong desk.
What? What? What?
[ Sighs ]
I have asked four people.
Each of them said we could check in for a flight
to Los Angeles at any desks.
We have queued for 20 minutes in the only queue,
and we were directed
to your desk by your representative.
Where precisely have we gone wrong?
There was no need to queue, madam.
You're all flying upper-class.
You've been upgraded.
First class! First class!
[ All giggling ]
I can check you in here if you like.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, dear.
What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl. I know.
[ Indistinct talking ]
Celia, press the white button on the right. What?
I am doing it. [ Laughing ] Oh!
It's coming down. Whoo-hoo! On the right?
What? What? What? Bye-bye.
Cheerio.
Fantastic. I'm going right under your seat here.
Bye-bye.
[ Laughing ] I'm right underneath you.
I've got my foot stuck now.
Ow!
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Bell ringing ]
[ Rattling ]
[ Hinges creak ]
[ Creak ]
[ Sighs ]
[ The meters' "ride your pony" plays ]
Where are we, Cora?
Hey, this is sunset strip!
No!
¶ Ride the pony ¶
¶ get on your pony and ride ¶
¶ ooh, yeah... ¶
cheerio, girls. I'll see you later.
What are you doing? I'm superman.
I'm going up. Be careful!
It's lovely. Come on.
¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, now ¶
hey, how you doing?!
¶ Keep on riding ¶
Hollywood! We're here!
Get down! Stop messing about!
¶ You've got to do it, now ¶
¶ way out west, where the grass is green ¶
¶ California, you know what I mean ¶
good afternoon, ladies.
Thank you, Ashley. I'll handle this.
Good afternoon, ladies. Welcome to Los Angeles.
Thank you. This is our first time here. Thank you.
Is that right? [ Chuckling ] Yeah.
Um... Clarke. Name's Clarke.
Mrs. Clarke... [ Typing ]
Or should I call you miss February?
I saw your picture in the paper this morning.
[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ]
In an American paper!
Thank you, ma'am.
It's all right.
Now, I'll just talk you through the facilities, okay?
Right. All right, now,
there are two televisions, one on each end,
both of which have cable TV, Internet access,
and movies on demand.
Now, there is also a full bar here,
but if you need anything special,
don't hesitate to call downstairs, and we'll...
is everything okay, ma'am?
O-oh, yeah. No, it's fine. It's just I'm a bit tired.
I'd like to go to my room now, really.
This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am.
This is your room.
Come on, I'll show you downstairs.
It's beautiful.
[ The temptations' "the way you do the things you do" plays ]
¶ You got a smile so bright ¶
¶ you know, you could have been... ¶
have you been in your bathroom?
[ Water splashing ] Me too! I'm in the bath!
And the bubbles... they're Christian dior.
The bath bubbles... they're Christian dior!
Do you think they'll charge us for it?
Oh! I hope not!
¶ You know, you could have been a broom ¶
¶ the way you smell so sweet ¶
¶ you know, you could have been some perfume ¶
¶ well, you could have been anything that you wanted to ¶
¶ and I can tell ¶
¶ the way you do the things you do ¶
¶ ah, baby ¶
¶ as pretty as you are ¶
[ indistinct conversations ]
Oh, yes.
Nice! Good!
And then... and then into the limo.
Into the limo we all... that was very good.
No, no, it was great.
Let me have a shot with you and the girls.
No, no, no. Oh, come on!
No, no, no, no, no. Come on, come on.
Give him a kiss. Put your arm around him.
British women are taking me hostage. We are not going to let him go.
I have to pay for that. British women have taken him hostage.
Right!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
What are we doing first, then, eh?
Hey, Chris! Chris!
Oh, Chris! We never expected you!
What?! Oh! Oh, you look gorgeous!
Oh... I'm very excited!
Oh... hello. You look wonderful!
Let me look at you. Let me look at you.
And look, Chris... there's a camera...
[ Quincy Jones' "comin' home baby" plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Autograph.
Thank you.
Man: You're lovely!
That's fantastic!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Ha ha! Great, ladies!
Okay, we got another section coming up.
Hey! Thank you very much! Bye-bye!
H-hold it, guys. Hold it. Thank you!
Ladies, please! Ladies, please!
We got a whole new section to do here! Come on!
[ Women giggling ] Come on, ladies.
Ooh, it's freezing!
Stay home, relax, grow a beard,
meet pretty girls, and just drink.
That's all I want to do.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Four pages, Annie...
the cover page and then four pages
about how I don't give him sex anymore.
Oh... Just... I just had to get away.
I mean, the press will be all over it by now.
So rod's having to deal with all that
on his own, then, is he?
Well... Him and jem.
Slightly out of character, don't you think,
for rod, saying all that?
Did he get tricked into it?
Did you stay to find out?
Or by that time, was there a taxi waiting?
Are you all right?
Oh, yeah.
Fine.
Annie, Chris...
This is Frank, Scott, and John.
They're in a band called Anthrax.
Oh. Hello. Hi.
I've heard so much about you girls.
Yeah? Well, why don't you sit down? I'm really impressed with what you're doing.
It really is a great story.
I'm afraid we haven't heard anything about you. Oh, I have. I have.
Yes, I have, actually.
So have you had... have you had a think about that, then?
Yes.
Well, yes, it would be in that ballpark, yes.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Well, you know what?
Let me talk with my associates, and I'll get back to you.
Okay. Bye.
Thank you. Who was that on the phone?
Very exciting. Very exciting.
I'll tell you in makeup. We're dead close to a deal.
Oh, oh, that's him.
By the way, is it Lee-no or len-o? Do we know?
Len-o. Are you sure?
No, it's Lee-no.
Len-o.
Not only will they sponsor the calendar in America
to the tune of $30,000,
but guess who will be filming in the studio
next to the one we're going to shoot the advert in.
What?
Guess who will be filming in the studio
next to the one we're going to shoot the advert in.
Advert?
Well, they sponsor us, we do their advert for washing powder.
Ching-ching. That's how it works.
George Clooney.
Can I have it straight, like Jennifer Aniston?
You know, in "friends"?
Why... why would I dye just part of my head?
It wouldn't... it doesn't make any sense!
I do not dye my hair. [ Whispering indistinctly ]
All right, you may have heard about my first guests.
They went from living a quiet, peaceful life
in a small British farm town
to becoming nude calendar girls.
They're here tonight to tell us the story.
This is the calendar right here.
Please welcome from knapely, england, the calendar girls.
Let's bring them out.
sticking to the story. Come on out here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, girls. How are you?
How are you, girls? Good to see you.
Nice to see you. Have a seat.
Oh, just sit anywhere.
I'm curious...
have you girls been strippers all your lives?
[ All laughing ]
We're not strippers.
Now, did you get drunk beforehand?
No, no. It's no big deal, you know?
We've all got the same bits.
The same bits? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know... they're just different sizes.
Right. Can I have some of them rice things?
they're all strategically...
It's called Sushi. I know. We don't really show anything at all.
It's all suggestive, really, isn't it? Hmm. Well, that's good.
I could make a few suggestions, yeah.
[ Laughter ] Well... well, ladies, it's fascinating.
Good luck with your, uh, with your work, and then, please,
if you wouldn't just try to encourage more women
to get naked, I think...
Well, thank you very much.
The ladies from knapely, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause on television ]
Mmm! We do. I think we really do have to
work some kind of order out
when we're asked questions, 'cause far too much of that
you couldn't hear what we said because... I agree.
Annie?
What are you doing?
You missed it.
We were just on television...
the whole reason we came here.
I thought that was to get away from the press.
Hello?
Hello?!
Is there anyone there?
[ Door closes ]
Ah! There they are!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Welcome, ladies. How are we today?
Fine.
Fantastic. Fabulenda.
My name is Danny. I'm the director.
Hi, Danny. And which one of you is Chris?
Um... You are. You're Chris.
Yeah. Hi. Ooh! Hi!
Exciting, hmm? Yeah? Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Okay, now, just to let you know what I've done is...
have cleared the studio of excess men.
[ Chuckling ] That's a shame.
No, no, I mean,
I didn't want you to be walking around naked
in front of a bunch of guys you didn't know.
Sorry?
We're doing the washing powder?
Right? Hanging the washing on the line?
Mmm.
And naked behind.
I mean, there's not a problem with that, is there?
[ Laughing ] It is what you girls do, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yes. Great.
[ Man talking indistinctly ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Bell rings ]
No, no, no, not now. I'm working.
Go, go, go.
Great! Beautiful!
I love this.
Ladies... The time is now.
Roxanne, Carol, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Nice to see you.
What do you think?
It's looking great, isn't it? It's great.
[ Bell rings ] Thank you very much.
Is your agency happy? We are. [ Door closes ]
Thank you.
Hey, lady... What's going on?
Annie...
[ Thud ]
We'll be just a moment.
Annie...
Now... now, Annie, this is for the calendar.
We just do this, we...
we get the calendar out in America.
[ Sighs ]
Look, are you... are you gonna talk to me or...
I need a shower. What?
Was it down here?
Look, why... why... why... I feel dirty.
Your washing powder made me feel dirty.
Where's the dressing room? My washing powder?
Down here. [ Sighs ]
Oh, I get it. I see.
This is 'cause I've organized it, right?
Because I've made a success o-of getting us a sponsor
and... a-and taken this out of being...
well, we're not just raising money
for... for a relative's room anymore, are we?
Down here, was it? We're out there taking on the bloody disease.
The red light's on, Chris.
You can't stand it, can you?
You cannot stand that I've made this calendar a success.
No, no, no. See, Chris, what's happened
is this calendar's made you a success.
What's that supposed to mean?
Where are we? Annie?
What is that supposed to mean? Is this a studio?
Well, you don't ask me what it means, Chris,
when you're standing in the middle of a cardboard street
talking about meeting George Clooney!
Well, what's with all these letters, then, eh, Annie?
All this bloody Florence nightingale,
this agony aunt?
Doesn't that smack just a little bit of being a star?
You know, lots of people lose their partners
to this disease.
I bet they don't all get fan mail.
Doesn't that make you a little bit of a success...
a very successful bereaved woman?
A celebrity widow?
Saint Annie of knapely?
Eh?
Eh?!
I'm not a Saint.
Because I'd rob every penny from this calendar
if it would buy me just one more hour with him.
[ Scoffs ]
You've still got yours.
[ Voice breaking ] And you're in Hollywood.
[ Sobs ]
[ Engine whirring ]
Welcome home.
[ Birds chirping ]
Oh, well.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Women singing "Jerusalem" in distance ]
Oh, lord! It's Thursday!
Come on.
We've got to get in there.
Are you coming?
[ Women giggling ]
Hello, love.
¶ ...builded here ¶
¶ among these dark satanic mills? ¶
¶ bring me my bow... ¶
oh!
¶ Of burning gold ¶
[ applause ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Birds chirping ]
How's jem?
He made a quiche on Tuesday.
We've been stoned ever since.
Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right.
Oh, rod, I'm...
I'm sorry.
Well, you don't have to apologize.
I do... I do have to apologize,
because everything you said in the paper was true, wasn't it?
I didn't know he was a journalist.
This isn't the point.
I mean, you still said it...
just, why didn't you say it to me?
Y-you know, why didn't you just... I don't know... just... just shout out,
I mean, "what the bloody hell do you think... "
yeah, I know you'd have liked me to, but...
it'd probably suit your Hollywood story a bit more
if I'd been "no bloody wife of mine,"
but I've not, because I actually think
it's brilliant what you've done.
That's why I've stood behind you
and I've told your son to get over it and be proud,
because I actually wanted you to have all this.
Thank you.
[ Inhales deeply ]
Now, do me a bloody favor... get back in that hall
and sort out whatever's gone wrong with Annie.
[ Sighs ]
I don't know what to say to her.
She's your oldest friend, Chris.
You don't have to say anything.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Excuse me. Sorry.
Ladies... Ladies... Would you, um... Oh...
Ladies, please!
[ Bell rings ] Uh, since we've stopped... as it happens,
today, we've finally been sent the first figures
for the sales of our calendar.
Come on, may, where is it?
Right. Thank you.
It says here in this letter
from, uh... Leukemia research fund
that we've so far raised...
£286,000.
[ Women gasp ]
So a big round of applause to all of us
for making it such a success.
We can get that sofa in the leather, then.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ "Jerusalem" plays on piano ]
¶ And did those feet in ancient time ¶
¶ walk upon england's... ¶
I've put our names down for next month's speakers.
"Chris and Annie... what we learned in Hollywood."
You're lying.
I know for a fact Colin petley's coming from keighley
with his collection of tea towels.
Oh, be still my beating heart.
[ Both laugh ]
Anyone fancy some chips?
Oh, yeah! What a good idea.
My God, yes. I'm starving!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ "Jerusalem" plays on piano ]
[ Mid-tempo jazz plays ]
[ Tempo quickens, handclaps ]
[ B.B. King's "you upset me baby" plays ]
¶ Yeah, she's 36 in the bust ¶
¶ 28 in the waist ¶
¶ 44 in the hips ¶
¶ she's got a real crazy legs ¶
¶ you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ yes, you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ yes, I'm telling you people, she's something fine ¶
¶ that you really ought to see ¶
¶ well, she's not too tall ¶
¶ complexion is fair ¶
¶ man, she knocks me out the way she wears her hair ¶
¶ you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ yes, you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ like being hit by a falling tree, woman ¶
¶ woman, what you do to me ¶
¶ well, I've tried to describe her ¶
¶ it's hard to start ¶
¶ I better stop now because I got a weak heart ¶
¶ you upsets me ¶
¶ well, you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ well, like being hit by a falling tree ¶
¶ woman, what you do to me ¶
¶ yeah ¶
[ electric guitar plays ]
[ Saxophone plays ]
¶ Well, I've tried to describe her ¶
¶ it's hard to start ¶
¶ I better stop now ¶
¶ because I got a very weak heart ¶
¶ you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ yes, you upsets me, baby ¶
¶ well, like being hit by a falling tree ¶
¶ woman, what you do to me ¶
[ electric guitar plays ]
[ Music ends ]