Ladies and gentlemen!
Eddie Murphy!
Thank you. Thank you so much. Two times, far two times.
Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.
There's some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit.
Faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm on stage!
That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.
You don't know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep movin'.
So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don't get no long stares at your shit...
...so that their imagination is flowing about my...
I know when you're looking, 'cos my ass starts to get hot.
I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people.
I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
Really, and he'd be walking up to people going: "Hey, boy! Hey, boy!"
"You look mighty cute in them jeans!"
"Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass!"
"I'm gonna bend over now!"
"Hey, boy, slow down! You're gonna miss the round, and come too fast!"
"You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick of!"
You know who would be a funny faggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!
Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and: "Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"
"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine?"
"You know Norton, I've been watching you.
And I know you've been watching me. You watch me! I know!"
"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
"Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
"And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
"Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin'!"
"Here I go!"
"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"
I kid the homosexuals a lot, 'cos they're homosexuals.
I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're... Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.
You can hang out with a gay person.
Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.
You can play tennis with a gay person. Really!
Just after the game you say: "I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do?"
"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick." "Well, I'll see you later!"
"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."
Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hanging out with gay people.
Ladies say: "Gay men are the best friends I have!"
"'cos they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out,
you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.
You know what's really scary about it? That new AIDS shit.
AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
That ain't like the good ol' days when venereal disease was simple.
In the good old days, you got gonorhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.
Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage.
And now they got AIDS, that just kills motherfuckers.
I say what's next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes!
And the girl would be on the bed: "Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."
Kills people! It petrifies me 'cos girls be hanging out with them.
One night they could be in the club having fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.
And go home with AIDS on their lips!
And then when her husband, like five years later.
"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
"Sure you're not homosexual..."
All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these... these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now!
These are the years to fuck! This is when you do your best fucking.
And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...
Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience!
See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.
You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.
Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces its a cool motherfucking thing.
You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1 expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.
Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18!
Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing?
You be just sitting there and your dick's here: "What's going on out there?"
That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?"
"No, that's allright. I'll take the zero."
Really, no dick control at all.
It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.
Ever had that guys? You'd be searching for the pussy down there.
And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going: "That's not it..."
"Is there any problem?" "No, ain't no problem, baby."
"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"
And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy. That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.
I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I'm fucking everybody.
And it's like that too.
When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.
"Ed!" "Thank you! Appreciate that!"
Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket.
Walking out the street, you say: "Oh, watch your step, that's mine."
Being a comic though ain't like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy.
Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody. Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.
Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don't play.
Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to,
even you don't have to look good, you can sing and get pussy.
Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.
'cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing, that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.
Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker!
With big ass lips!
Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going: "You got some big ass lips!"
"These are big motherfucking lips!"
But he's singing! If you sing you'll get over.
Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
But he put that shit up like... And women go:
Sing! 'cos all you got to do is sing.
Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy.
But ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.
That's Michael's hook, his sensivity!
That's when women be sayin: "Michael's just so sensitive..."
And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.
He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a girl and they'd be in the audience and say:
"Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."
And women go: "Whaaaaa!"
Then, if you don't scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.
Ever hear that record "She's out of my life"?
"Tito, give me some tissues."
"Jermaine, stop teasing."
You just sing! I like dudes with masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.
Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:
And scare the bitches that are liking him.
That motherfucker's crazy, throw your panties on the stage.
That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley!
Really I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.
He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.
They said: "Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogues!"
"Elvis, we got to win this race!" "We got to win this race..."
"Elvis, want some lemonade?" "Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink..."
Let him sing 'till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old.
He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit ...and his butt be sticking out and shit...
looking like he had to shit, out walking on the stage like this...
"Excuse me."
Sing! That's the key to it. You don't even have to be able to talk.
Just sing and get famous. James Brown's been singing for 20 years.
I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about!
I don't understand shit James says!
I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said "James, I luv your stuff".
And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James.
'cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with:
He meant that shit that he just said!
And you getting mad you start putting the needle back "What the fuck did I just miss?"
That's a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit!
He's writing a song and: "I need a word in here: Heaay!"
"That's good!"
Band be going: "What the fuck is James talking about?"
I don't know but we're getting paid, keep singing.
And people take singers. There's something about singers that people just love and shit.
'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.
And black people lost their motherfucking minds!
I have brothers rawling up on me going:
"Hey! You the motherfucker that'd been doing Stevie Wonder?"
"That shit ain't funny, motherfucker!"
"Don't you never let me see you do that shit again! I'll fuck you up!"
"Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!"
That's terrible! That's terrible, man! Your mother brought you up wrong.
I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said:
"Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression."
"I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more." Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."
"Shut the fuck up!"
'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick, 'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.
You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches?
"And the winner is Stevie Wonder!"
'... God's chosen and..." "Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out!"
'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."
I've been in the car and said: "Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"
I'm telling you, genius and all that shit, but you're my boy, man, we hang and,
I mean, like, it's nice and shit but I don't appreciate all the flack.
And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing...
"...I ain't impressed."
"You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker!"
"I heard that shit, man!" "That shit wasn't funny!"
Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right?
"Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!"
"Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker!"
"Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chews like this!"
"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit!"
It's hot as fuck in here!
"Take it off!"
No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah!"
What's going on over there? Ladies run down the street and... can't do that.
Do we have the icecream man around here?
Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little?
And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind!
There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it.
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling
but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:
"Icecream! Icecream! The icecream man is coming! The icecream man is coming!"
"Mom! Mom!" "Throw down some money!"
"The icecream man is coming!"
Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say:
and bring back my change.
Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.
Chasing icecream truck and: "Icecream!"
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit,
but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: "Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"
You'd be behind him doing 50 and going: "Icecream!"
"Thank you, icecream man! Thank you!"
I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it just sing for a little while.
You know how kids are.
"I have some icecream, I have some icecream, and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."
The icecream be running down your arm and shit
"You don't have no icecream! You didn't get none! You didn't get none!
"'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it."
Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it, and his father is an alcoholic!"
"You dropped your icecream, you dropped your icecream..."
Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles"
Unless your mother catch you doin' that nasty shit, though.
My mother caught me doing that, she made me put it down in 1 sentence:
And you dropped that shit, quick.
Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe?
I had a mother, that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime.
And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.
And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.
And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like:
"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor?" "I didn't, I just..."
Bad! Accurate!
You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this?"
"I guess not!"
And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this
hand have the phone like this and be sayin' "Yeah, mama, hold on a second."
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on.
Them pumps, 'cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass!
And fuck you up in your room, you won't even know what the fuck happened.
They can hear you when you're getting ready to walk out the door.
And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around. They got that mother hearing.
"Wait a minute, baby."
"Let's go."
She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit.
Very, very strict house I came from.
And I remember when I first went to my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out.
And I was there, I found some white kids can curse around the house! That fucked me up!
Coz I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house, my momma said "sounds too much like damn."
I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way.
I was in the house with Tom Kildez.
His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said "Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can shit."
And I was standing like this:
And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? "Ed, you're a little late!"
"Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! Come on, damn!" My pop just go:
"That motherfucker's crazy!"
Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman?
Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:
You can't do shit like that no more. Women be takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now!
It's scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind!
Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker! You don't hit me like that! You don't hit me shit!
"You don't put your hands on my face!
"Baby, please, stop! Baby, please... stop! Baby, hold on, stop, please!"
"Calm down, baby, calm down!" "You don't hit me, motherfucker!"
"So get the fuck out!"
Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the fuck out too.
That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.
I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and shit.
And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left.
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby! But you brought that shit on yourself"
"Dont make me have to do it again."
She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself."
"Why don't you just go to sleep!"
Got the fuck out. People are changing.
Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.
In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here!"
Men would say: "No, no, we can't have any of that."
And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude: "Get the fuck out!"
Somebody broke wind in here!
I've been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherfucker.
That's some long-distance fart too, boy.
I know you get down with your friends have a good time.
Especially fellas... ya know they play that game, they play the fart game you know.
You know you fart around your fellas and its funny.
Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators farting and laughing and shit.
It's nasty! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.
'Cos you smell them. And people always tell you they farted.
They say: "I farted." You don't leave, you pause a second. "Yeah, you did!"
'cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart.
'cos if it smells bad enough, two years later you be going:
"Remember that fart you made, two years ago?"
The fart game you play. Starts off around the house when you're little.
Your father introduces you to it.
You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:
"That wasn't me, that was your mother."
"Oh, baby, baby! I want a divorce, uh! You're rotten, baby, shit!"
And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?
That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"
And your father goes: "It's the fart game, you'll play one day son."
The fart game, you get your best friend in on that shit too.
You can walk up to your best friend while he's watching a football game and fart in his face.
He won't even get mad.
He just go: "Ok, you got me."
"That was a good one, too! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that!"
I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub.
Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game.
"I think it's smelly!"
"I'm G. I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..."
And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made shit in the tub.
He wanted to add some excitement to the game.
He said: "And then a big brown shark came."
I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah."
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out and shit.
Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.
Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand.
I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye...
And G.I. Joe up my ass...
My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here?"
Can I hold somebody's camera. Anybody bring a camera?
Does its flash go immediately?
Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt and shit "Wait a second now!"
They try to press it and the shit don't work they be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."
And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure? I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
OK, y'all come over here on this now?
You know? I'll take two of them.
This ain't no instamatic motherfucker!
I got to wait for the flash and shit!
See you got me waiting I should break your shit.
See the brothers sitting in the back go: "All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures!"
"I want my picture took, I'd steal a car motherfucker!"
"Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture!"
"You're going to ruin my fucking film, man. Come on, shit!"
"Who the fuck do you think you are, man!"
I'll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat.
"That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."
You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up?
All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up!
Straight up! I'm serious! What the fuck are you doing? Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up!
And all the ladies get the cameras up.
We're gonna set the record straight here.
When I say go...
...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"
Look how fast the white dudes sat down.
Some of them still standing. Y'all must be italian!
We got some shit on us.
We got all this shit!
We got some dicks hanging down!
Dicks down to this motherfucker!
You don't believe it.
White people don't believe it. What's funny about it, white people are the ones that made up the rumor.
"You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don't believe it!"
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa? Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
"What is this shit?" "It's an old dried up dick."
"That means the first dick belonged to a black man."
Dicks. We got the shit for it.
We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on.
You see a white dude would be in this suit like this.
"All right, man! All right, maaan!"
I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug's ass is way up here on his back.
Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.
And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: "Lemme get my wallet"
Coz we got our shit hooked, all this is hooked up with black people.
Chinese people are fucked all around, coz they got little dicks and little asses.
They do and its fucked up the way they walk.
They be walking all light coz they ain't got no shit pulling them down.
Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit...
Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.
He's got big shit hanging down!
That's why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it.
I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude in his drawers...
Never have no balls in they drawers.
Smiling and shit. If I had no balls I wouldn't be smiling this shit.
"I don't have any dick!"
Brother be standing there... if a brother models his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.
They're selling underwear but this niggers dick is in my coffee.
"Want me stir it for you?"
That's some true shit.
What's today's date?
Don't go to cook-outs.
I hate cook-outs man.
Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away.
I don't like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.
And they get on your fuckin nerves every year.
My uncle Gus come by the house every year.
My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.
And don't let nobody touch the grill when he's around and shit.
As as soon as he walks in the house its like:
"Get away from that grill you dunna know how to start a fire"
"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain't no fire goddamnit."
"Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree."
"Chop down that tree and give me the wood."
"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of gasoline out the shed."
"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we're gonna start a fire."
"Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?"
"Then shut up and put it on the fire."
"O.k. put that wood on the side there."
"O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie."
"Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?"
"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat.
"Here we go pour the gasoline on like this."
"We need the hole 2... get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can't use that shit."
"Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood."
"And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?"
"Here we go, Charlie throw the match."
"NOW THAT"S A FIRE!"
"That's a fire, look at that, look at that."
"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around."
And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit!
You know one of them lady moustaches? It was really cool, back when she was 20.
Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.
Then when they get about 45 like aunt Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.
The shit is bigger than a man's and shit!
Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.
Like 250, real heavy lady and shit. And the kids were scared of her.
You got that kid logic going. I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house.
It was like.
I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.
Soon as she walked on the door was like: "Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."
Then you go: "Waaaaa!"
And my mom would say: "Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny?"
Kids don't give a fuck, they go: "She's got a moustache!"
Why do kids move so slow when they be crying?
"Stop making all that noise!"
"I said shut up!"
You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.
"God please kill her!"
"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die!"
"I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!"
Shut up or I'll come and give you something to cry about.
Than my pop starts talking. And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July!"
Black men like to claim the house when they're drunk.
Men period I think, like to claim their house.
They want you to know that if you drunk and they're drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.
My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: "It's my house!"
"You know that it is? And if you don't like it, you get the fuck out!"
"I don't give a fuck!"
"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker!"
"And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it!"
"Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes!" 'cos you know what it is?
I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful! I'm drunk. I'm drunk! So what? I'm drunk.
"You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house."
"So, fuck it!"
Then he attacks the whole family, like: "Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?"
"Why is the fire so big?"
"Why you made the fire so big? Look at this shit! Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus!"
"The fire is too motherfucker big! Why?
You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."
"...and you burn out my motherfucker backyard! Why?"
"I'm cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big?"
"I'm not cookin' no motherfucking brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker!"
"This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus! It's my house, motherfucker!"
"Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em."
"It doesn't make sense no. But you take things too far Gus."
"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches. Tell you go 4 inches you go 5."
"Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus."
"Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate."
"I'm gonna shoot this dog."
"I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up. I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying."
"Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out."
"You're gettin' the fuck... I know you're seven!"
"But you'll be a seven year old walkin' the dog no house motherfucker!"
"I hate this motherfucking dog."
"You don't spend time with the dog Eddie."
"You don't feed the motherfucker."
"You don't pet it. You don't even know what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"
"The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name. The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name."
"Watch this: Coco! Where the fuck is it goin'?
The dog's stupid! 'cos you don't spend time with the motherfucker."
I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog?
Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker!"
"You know Eddie, when nobody's home."
"When nobody's home you know what I do?"
"I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker!"
"I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie! And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off."
"'cos I hate the motherfucker! 'cos you don't clean up behind it!
"This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker!"
"Why can't you clean the dog."
"The dog shits all over the house. If noone tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit."
"You let the shit stay forever."
"Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie."
It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids go pass it you act like you don't see it.
"And unless you're told you won't clean the shit."
"The shit is hard as a rock now! It's like motherfuckin furniture in there!"
"I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie"
"It's a coffee table now! Why can't you clean up shit?"
"My friends come over and they oh that's lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of shit."
"'Cos my children don't listen!"
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year.
Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta fucking noise!
It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be calling Jesus on the way down!
And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid,
They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit.
And that's what makes the fall take a half hour then.
Real loud, like:
"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!"
"Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!"
"My shoe!"
"Oh lord Jesus God help us!"
"I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus!"
"Lilian!" "What is all that fuckin' noise?!"
"Lilian! The bitch is falling down the steps again!"
"Lilian! Lilian!" "What's wrong, Bunny?"
"I fell down the steps!"
"Bunny fell down the steps! Bunny fell down the steps!"
Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head!"
"What happened?" "Bunny fell down the steps!"
"Hey, Charlie! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!"
"Gus! What the fuck is wrong with your wife?"
"Why can't she walk the fryer steps? You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."
"...and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps!"
"Why? I work hard to get my place beautiful..."
"...and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down!"
"Look at the motherfucker steps! They're fucked up, Gus!"
"Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps?"
"'cos she's a fat hairy bitch! That's why!"
"That's why, Gus! And my children are afraid of your wife."
"Eddie's afraid of her! He has nightmares about your wife!"
I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me!"
"I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong? He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me!"
"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has a bigger moustache than his father!"
But you know what it is, Gus! I figured out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it...
I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife.
You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip...
"...and that your wife was portorican. Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican!"
"I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."
And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu!"
"What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus?"
"I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day. I thought I learned some new spanish shit!"
I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez! Guni gugu! And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here!"
I've been walking around for years confused.
And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife.
"You didn't meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip!"
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus?"
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick!"
"'Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak!"
"I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one!"
"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus? On my children?"
The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps! She's not trained well, Gus!"
She can not walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus?"
"Doesn't she? Doesn't she?"
"But you had to bring her out here!"
Fuck her! And your motherfucker children? They're Bigfeet too! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.
"Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long."
"They're little hairy m.f. just like their mother."
Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot?
When I took your kids fishing last week.
I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus.
And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.
And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat.
And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.
And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.
Then they start movin their heads like this
and the motherfuckers come up with fish.
I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit.
Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu!"
"I said, what the fuck is going on here?"
"Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus! But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker!"
You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck.
"you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."
"and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...
"...and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out!"
"And if my wife don't like it she can get the fuck out too!"
"You missed me, bitch!"
Thank you!
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D.C.!
Jesus! Christ!
This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.
Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.
Well, tell us something we don't know, motherfucker!
It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck?"
Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.
Who's that boy... Harold Washington?
Harold Washington said: "Fuck it!" And won.
I know he's still sitting around going: "I really won the motherfucker?"
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: "Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"
"Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going.
"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than motherfucking Harold Washington."
"Fuck Harold Washington."
"Fuck him man, run for president."
And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit."
I've seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.
You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do shit like that...
...vote for the wrong dude as a goof.
They get drunk and shit and go like: "Let's vote for Jesse Jackson!"
"I just voted for Jesse Jackson!"
And next day would be like this: "He fuckin' won?"
Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape. I've seen him running round the track and shit.
I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?" He says: "cos I'm gonna be the first black president."
"I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans! As your president I feel
And dude be going:
"He won't stand still!"
I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.
My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.
I ain't into all that racism shit.
Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man... I mean its fucked up but,
They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.
White people don't say it.
Especially when there's niggas around. So I guess I wouldn't know it.
I went to Texas to look into racism, about two months ago.
I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism.
My friends always told me: "You better not go to Texas! They'll fuck you up!"
And when a modern day brother here that shit "What! They ain't fucking nobody up!"
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago.
Its like motherfuckers liked that shit.
"I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!"
"Shit... tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton."
"I would have been on the street and shit...
"He would came up and say ey yo nigga bale this cotton?"
"I'd say suck my dick master."
"Suck my motherfucking dick."
"That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker."
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
"Bale that cotton."
"Fuck you, motherfucker!"
Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit, just keep that shit away."
"Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me."
I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up,
Got up, walked up, my bag.
All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this.
Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"
I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag!"
"Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"
And the dude is like: "What the fuck's wrong with this guy?"
Wasn't that bad at all.
I'm winded. I'm out of breath.
Sweating and shit.
"Do take it off!" "Shut up, bitch!!"
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.
Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.
You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people.
They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.
You be teasin' them and shit.
Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.
Chinese dude would be in there. and when he leave you do like this:
Everybody makes fun of chinese when they order some food up and shit.
And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.
Your friends and shit be laughing.
And he look out the back and say: "The food is coming right up."
He be in the back watching us: "Very funny. Very funny."
"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."
I wonder if they have, like a McDonald's in China?
Chinese people would be walking and say: "Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie."
And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."
That's a fucked up language too, chinese. Hard to learn.
I wanna learn to speak spanish. That's the shit.
You know what I'd really want to speak? I'd like to learn how to speak french, 'cos that's some cool shit, french.
You can say "I gotta shit" in french and it would sound good:
Just sounds good.
I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.
It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:
That's a word in arabic: That means some shit to them!
"Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"
"Never mind, man."
"I don't want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker!"
Spanish language.
You know why I want to learn how to speak spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.
When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:
I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out."
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.
For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.
He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit.
Remember that shit?
You be sittin' there like this:
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:
"It's justa ridiculous!"
"Hey, Fred! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
TV is all screwed... Any kids here?
I mean, little kids. I don't like you bringing those kids down here.
How old are you, man? How old?
13? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up when you leave.
"Dad! What's a dick, what is that?"
How old is the other girl, over there?
Oh, y'all fucked up now!
Y'all thought I would be going like this:
You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big!"
The kid's gonna be waking up and: "A negro's dick's coming to get me mom!"
I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.
Here's a little joke... Y'all can listen to it too.
I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
"...and then he said guni gugu!"
"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"
"Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip your cock off with my ass!"
And dude be standing all: "Yeah, very funny shit, right..."
Here's a joke you can tell at school, when school starts.
Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys?
A bear and a rabbit are takin' a shit in the woods.
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
And the rabbit says: "No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
I like that joke.
Oh, shit! Anybody got cable?
I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.
That's some good shit!
I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk will fuck anybody!
I've seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he's fucked this dream bitch?
You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a dream bitch!
I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green there's something wrong with the pussy!
He'll be fucking a mutant and:
Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.
He's the opposite of Spock. The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:
"Captain, my ship can't take much more of this sir. She's about to blow!"
"Let Spock handle it."
And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals
and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers
to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power."
"Mr Spock! It just might wax it!"
"The shit worked last week, motherfucker!"
I got fed up with TV and shit, coz I seen all the Star Treks.
I start watching cable.
I was watching Poltergeist last month.
I got a question.
Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost in the house?
Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long. Get the fuck out of the house!
Very simple: If there's a ghost in the house, get the fuck out!
And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over!
Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's in the television set."
I would have been gone.
If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say
"Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the t.v. set and I just fucking left."
You can have all this, I ain't going back to the motherfucker.
I just came down so when she ain't at the school you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.
But she is inside the tv set you can have all that shit. Thank you.
"Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"
Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her
I turned the channels the shit didn't work. I got the fuck out.
The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn't have been to attached to her.
In the amityville horror the ghost told them to get out of the house.
White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint and a half for your ass.
A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door!
Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, the're was blood in the toilet.
And said, "That's peculiar."
I would 've been in the house saying: "Oh baby this is beautiful."
"We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood."
"We ain't got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice."
"GET OUT!" "Too bad we can't stay, baby!"
You know, I wanna say something.
I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...
What was her name?
Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn't sing here.
And she couldn't sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later,
A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
God bless America! I gotta go now. Y'all take it easy, bye bye!