No, the cable person was an hour and a half late.
I don't know why that surprised me.
Because they're never on time?
No, because they had told me to expect
a guy named Davon or Javon or Kavon.
I'm pretty sure that "von" is African for "late."
There it is. Patrick?
( imitating fanfare )
- Congratulations, Ed. - ( pops )
That is the 1,000th racial slur that you've said in group.
( crying ) I'm so touched.
You think nobody's listening, and it turns out they are.
Here you go, Ed. We got you this.
It says "World-Class Jackass" in both English and Spanish
because we know how much you hate that on government forms.
Why did you get him a bowling trophy?
I asked for one with a Klan guy on top,
but that really pisses them off down there
at Davon's Trophies.
Sorry I'm late.
Lacey, we're about done here.
Yeah, I know, but I just wanted to get your opinion on this.
Oh, my God.
I think that dress is beautiful, Lacey.
Uh, no, it's not the dress.
Can't you tell I'm wearing a fake pregnant stomach?
Yeah, but I didn't want to say anything just in case
the dress was making you look hugely fat.
Lacey, why are you pretending to be pregnant?
Probably because some rich old boyfriend's coming into town
and she wants to shake some money out of him.
That is so not true.
I have my rich old grandma coming in from India
and I want to shake some money out of her.
Welcome to America, Grandma.
That's how we do it here.
My grandma has this family heirloom ring
that's worth, like, a kajillion dollars.
And she said that whichever grandchild has a kid first is gonna get it.
Lacey, this is so selfish. You're a fake mother.
You're supposed to be a role model for your pretend baby.
Well, I am not gonna let my sister get that ring.
She sleeps with everybody, and she cannot get pregnant before me.
And I am not selfish.
If anything, I am making the ultimate sacrifice
by letting myself look like a backward version of Kim Kardashian.
Lacey, not to poke any holes in your latest get-rich-quick scheme,
which is, like, your hundredth this year...
( imitating fanfare )
Patrick, I was exaggerating to make a point.
( fanfare fades )
At some point, you're gonna have to produce a real baby.
No, that's the beautiful part.
My Grandma Mumbai is so old and sick
that by the time I'm gonna have this baby,
she'll be dead.
Oh, hey, everyone. Charlie, you got a second?
Yeah, sure. We're just wrapping up here.
See you all next Monday.
Lacey!
Congratulations! When's the big day?
Well, I'm showing my grandma this weekend
and then I'm tossing it in the dumpster.
Hey, Martin, you find a new roommate yet?
I feel bad about leaving you high and dry.
No, no, I understand, Ed.
You had to get back to your wife.
Who cares if my rent doubled, my pension plan bellied up,
and I'm barely getting by on Social Security?
- As long as you're happy. - Oh, I am!
Dottie's making a pot roast and we just got HBO.
( clicks tongue )
You are surrounded by demons.
Yeah, and sometimes they just show up at the front door.
( laughs ) That's very funny.
You are a very funny man.
So how's my favorite son?
I'm not lending you money, Dad.
I would never ask you to lend me money.
Give me money, yes, but not lend me money.
I didn't lend you life, I gave you life.
But that's not why I'm here.
Listen, great news-- there is a new woman in my life.
Dad, I told you, Siri is just a voice in your iPhone.
Her name is Joanne and things are starting to get pretty serious.
But before we go any further, she'd like to meet my family.
Look, I don't want any part of this.
Just do what I do when someone wants to meet my family.
- What? - Tell them they're all dead.
( groans )
And when she starts crying, go for it.
We are talking about moving in together, Charlie.
But first she wants to be sure that I am a person of good character.
People my age still care about that, see?
Well, then, you're screwed.
You heard me call you a demon earlier, right?
Listen, this is very important.
I have been going on and on about how accomplished you are
and she's very impressed.
But I may have exaggerated a bit.
I told her that you had a master's in psychology.
I do have a master's in psychology.
- From Harvard. - No, from Cal State Dominguez Hills.
Which everyone knows is a division of Harvard.
- No, it's not. - It is now. Congratulations.
( sighs )
No, listen, you can help put this over the top, son.
She can take care of me.
She's got a house on a golf course, for God's sakes.
Does that little windmill block your view of the rest of the holes?
I'm very serious. This is real money.
You're just with her 'cause she's rich?
That's horrible.
With my current financial situation, son,
if this doesn't work out, I'm moving back in with you.
You know what? Love grows.
What time are you kids stopping by?
( theme music playing )
( knocks )
- Hey, Dad. - Hey there, Charlie.
I'd like you to meet Joanne.
- Very nice to meet you. - And you.
You know, all your father does is talk about you.
About your therapy practice, about your baseball career,
and about your work with the starving children in Africa.
Yeah, you'd wonder what a psychologist could do about that.
You'd think their problem would be hunger.
But it turns out it's low self-esteem and bad body image.
We have a mutual love and respect for each other, Joanne.
I'm a little embarrassed to say it in front of him,
but just last week he said that I was the best father
he could ever possibly imagine.
And, believe me, I have tried to imagine a lot of different fathers.
Oh, you know, I'm sorry, but we really have to go.
My daughter's in the car and we don't want to be late for church.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, what?
Oh, you remember, Charlie.
I told you we're going to mass together.
That's right. I'm sorry. I messed up.
I accidentally went to the early mass.
I received communion just hours ago.
I've already had my recommended
daily allowance of the body of Christ.
Oh, what a shame.
Mary Kathleen is going to be singing the responsorial song today.
That's right, Charlie. You don't want to miss that.
I really don't, but I wouldn't be able to stay long anyway.
I teach a Bible study class to the underprivileged.
I thought it was time that somebody finally brought religion to the poor.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I really need to get to church.
Joanne: Yes.
Oh, hi. You must be Charlie.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Let's go.
Uh, I thought you had a Bible class for the underprivileged.
Well, the Bible is filled with mysteries
and today's mystery is where's Charlie?
( organ music playing )
It never really feels like a Sunday until I bless myself with holy water.
Really? 'Cause it never feels like Sunday to me
- until about 4:00 in the afternoon. - ( laughs )
Anything before that is still Saturday night.
Charlie, let's light a candle for Aunt Rose.
I'll see you in there.
We'll be right in.
I'll give Aunt Rose a fiver.
Bought me my first pack of smokes.
The hell with Aunt Rose.
Stop flirting with Mary Kathleen.
Dad, I can't help it that I'm naturally charming.
You know, it skipped a generation.
( whispering ) Charlie, listen to me.
Mary Kathleen is a virgin.
( laughs ) She's a what?
Joanne tells me that she's proud her daughter's saving herself for marriage.
Well, that's crazy. I've been married
and it's not worth saving yourself for.
You keep your pants on unless you want to see me
walking around your house without mine for the rest of your life.
Well, that's impossible.
The best part about being a kid is the parents die first.
I'm warning you, stay away from that girl.
Fine.
Charlie, there's room next to me.
No, no, I like sitting closer to the front.
That way my prayers get answered first.
Priest: Let us begin with silent prayer.
Hi. Mind if I keep you company?
Sure. Just know that I am a wild genuflector.
People on both sides of me have taken elbows to the face in the name of God.
I want you to spank me like an angry nun.
I'm sorry, what?
I want you to tie me up and teach me who's boss.
Well, according to this book, God's boss.
If you ask me, close second-- Bruce Springsteen.
I know I come off as a sweet little church girl,
but I like doing things worth going to confession for.
Have you considered robbing a liquor store?
Priest: Mary Kathleen will join us now.
I gotta go sing for God.
He knows I'm not wearing any underwear
and now so do you.
( sighs )
Lord, give me the strength to resist temptation.
I'm serious this time.
I don't want to do this.
You don't know anything about being pregnant
and your grandmother is gonna figure that out right away.
Shh, relax, Nolan.
I skimmed a stupid baby book. Everything will be fine.
- What's a C-section? - Really bad seats in a concert. Next.
So, Lacey,
I always knew you would be the first one
to give me a great-grandchild.
I just thought it would happen in high school.
Well, I think you have the wrong impression of me, Grandma,
because Nolan is actually the first man that I've ever been with.
So how has the pregnancy been so far?
It's not what I expected now that I'm expecting.
For example, in the first trimester,
I experienced one, nausea; two, hemorrhoids;
and, three, other symptoms depending on the individual.
So where's that ring, Grandma?
Here it is, dear.
This ring was made for my great-great-grandmother
- and has the largest ruby-- - ( knock on door )
Hey, Grandma. Guess who's pregnant!
- You. - You.
Sateen.
Lacey, you did not tell me your sister is also pregnant.
Well, she didn't even know herself until this morning.
I thought I was retaining water, but then it started moving.
Now I'm doubly blessed.
I'm in my third trimester, Grandma.
I'm in my fourth.
Hey, you wanna go play laser tag?
Laser tag? What are we, 12?
Hell, yeah, I wanna play laser tag.
Awesome.
Dude, let's go. I will check times.
Damn it.
How could they have birthday parties all day?
Kids ruin it for everybody.
I really could've used the distraction, too.
( sighs )
I gotta take my mind off of Mary Kathleen.
Mary Kathleen? What is she, a nun?
No, no, no, she is not a nun.
She is the fantasy girl of all fantasies.
You're kidding.
Where'd you meet a hot Asian flamenco dancer with an eye patch?
What? No, no.
She's a good Catholic girl who wants to do very bad things,
but it'd be a problem for my dad.
What's with the eye patch?
That way she's never fully naked.
You want to leave a little bit to the imagination.
What are you imagining? It's an eye.
( phone chimes )
Ooh, hey, text message from the laser tag place.
Two of the Weinberg kids-- out sick.
- We're in. - Oh, that's great.
( knocks )
Hi.
Hi, Mary Kathleen. What are you doing here?
I wanted to talk to you for a minute.
I need to apologize.
Sure. Please, come on in. This is my friend Sean.
- Sean, Mary Kathleen. - Nice to meet you.
Hi.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
Ahem.
( snaps fingers )
Listen, you really don't need to apologize.
No, I do.
I thought about it and I realized I can't have sex with you.
For the first time since my father died, my mom is finally happy.
But if she thinks you deflowered me,
she'll judge your father and that'll ruin everything.
I was worried about the same thing.
I don't want to do anything to break them up.
Because you love your father so much, you want him to be happy, too?
( stammers ) Sure, let's go with that.
Too bad.
I really want you.
No, wait, wait, wait. This can work.
We both have something to keep a secret.
Now you can do all that stuff that you talked about in church.
Well, I'll just have to, um,
spend a little extra time in confession tomorrow.
From your mouth to God's ears.
So when I got pregnant three weeks before Lacey,
I thought, "Wow, it's good to be pregnant three weeks before Lacey.
That way I can be there for her
because I'll have known what it was like to have a baby.
Three weeks before her."
You're such a wonderful little sister, Sateen,
but I'm scared that the baby is draining all the blood away from your brain
because I saw you last week and you were, like, 90 pounds.
Yeah, well, some of us don't get all huge and gross
as fast as some other people do.
I never had a sister to help me.
I did, but she got typhoid.
Then she got better, but then she was torn apart by monkeys.
And then what happened?
Nolan, sweetie, Grandma has some gifts for us in her luggage.
Why don't you go help her bring them out?
Sure.
Uh, you know, I was thinking of getting a monkey as a pet,
but after hearing your story, I think I'm just gonna get a cobra.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm the older sister, I get the ring.
Hey, I thought of this scam at the same time you did.
My pregnancy is way more believable.
What do you have under there, a pillow?
Yeah. What've you got?
I've got some Hollywood big-budget special effects
"Avatar" stuff going on under here.
You can even feel the baby's head.
And if the batteries weren't dead,
it'd be kicking.
You're a scheming little bitch.
I know, right?
Here, girls. I brought you both some of that perfume you like.
- Oh. - Thank you, Grandma.
You know, the baby's sleeping right now,
but if you want to feel the head, it's right here.
Oh, the head is fully formed.
You must be farther along than Lacey.
Sateen, you are getting the ring.
- What? - Oh, don't worry.
I've got something for you, too.
This antique letter opener belonged to my sister.
It is beautiful.
- But, sadly, it cannot kill a monkey. - Oh.
Thank you, Grandma.
This is perfect.
Look, Sateen. Look what Grandma gave me.
- Oops. - ( gasps, screams )
- Lacey: Oops! - Oh!
- Hey, Charlie. - What are you doing here?
- I thought you were supposed to be at the church picnic. - Yeah, but it ended early.
The woman who made the tuna salad left it sitting out in her car all morning.
Suffice it to say, the egg toss became the everything toss.
So, you're here to throw up?
No, I just came by to say hi.
But I might throw up. I'm not sure yet.
Mary Kathleen: This is so hot, Charlie.
You did a great job with these knots.
I really feel like I can't get out.
So, who won the egg toss?
Damn it, Charlie. I asked you to do one thing.
Yeah, well, she asked me to do three things
and they sounded way more fun.
You're gonna ruin it with Joanne.
Don't you realize how much that woman means to me?
She has a pool!
Martin, I'm really getting concerned.
I have called every place I can think of
- and I can't find Mary Kathleen. - I'm concerned, too.
We should go and look for her immediately,
outside this house.
Mary Kathleen: Charlie, where are you?
I can't reach my wine straw.
Mary Kathleen? What is she doing upstairs?
She's alive. Nothing else matters.
( gasps )
Mom!
What have you done to my daughter?
What did he do? Why, I'll tell you what he did.
He saved her life, that's all.
Somebody busted in here and forced her to wear that skimpy lingerie
and tied her up to the bed like that
and God only knows what would've happened
if Charlie hadn't come in here
- and-- and-- and-- - Chased them away.
- Chased them away! - It's true.
What were you doing in Charlie's house anyway?
Joanne, I was performing an exorcism on your daughter.
- She's possessed by demons. - What?
I didn't want to worry you at the picnic, Joanne, but it's true.
Come on, Charlie, don't just stand there.
We've gotta drive Satan out of that poor girl.
You're right, right.
Uh, the power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you!
( speaks Latin )
Come out, demon! Come out now!
Blah.
Really?
You wanted to be spanked by angry nuns
and that's the best demon you got?
Before we get to the reading of the will,
I just need to record the cause of death.
It was a heart attack.
I can't believe she just collapsed in front of you.
- She just fell over. - It's the truth.
Lacey: And then she looked up at me
and she said, "I want you to have everything
because I love you so much more than Sateen."
And then she was gone.
- I think she said something else. - No, she was dead.
Couldn't speak.
Well, it doesn't really matter because the written will
supersedes any verbal promises.
Okay, so who gets what?
According to the last will and testament
of Anjali Lilavati Balasubramanian...
she leaves her heirloom ring to her daughter Mira.
- Crap. - Damn it.
Oh.
Merry Christmas, darling.
And she leaves the rest of her fortune of $6 million
to her first great-grandchild,
which will be held in trust by the child's parent.
Grandma was so fair.
Well, I'm gonna go home
and bang the crap out of my boyfriend.
Hey.
I'm here.
All right, your room's ready
and, I'm not gonna lie, I've been drinking since noon.
I'm not gonna lie either.
I got you beat by two hours.
So how's this gonna work?
We'll just stay out of each other's way.
How would you feel about a slide
that goes straight from your bedroom window
to the front seat of your car?
Look, you're not happy, I'm not happy.
But there is one way you can get out of this.
Let me just say this.
If we're doing murder-suicide, I go first.
All right, maybe there are two ways.
And the second way is that you give me enough money
to cover my losses with my pension fund
and pay my rent.
How much are we talking?
I wrote it all down on this piece of paper.
If I give you this, I'd have to get rid of cable,
take a bag lunch to work every day on the bus.
Done.
I'll see you at Christmas.