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Sync & Encoded by Owen Lee
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Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy...
and those who trust me from those who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today...
you're not here shopping--you're up here shoplifting.
See these goods? Never seen daylight,moonlight...
Israelite,Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag.Come on.Take a bag.
I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound.
Anyone like jewelry?Look at that one there.
Handmade in Italy,hand stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else.
Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed up they're empty.
The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker.
By the look of you lot, I'd make more money with me measuring tape.
Here,one price.Ten pound.
-Did you say ten pound? -Are you deaf?
That's a bargain.I'll take one.
Squeeze in.Left leg,right leg. Your body will follow.They call it walking.
You want one as well,darling? That's it.They're waking up.
Treat the wife of somebody else's wife. It's more fun if you don't get caught.
You want one?Show me a bit of life then.
It's no good standing out there like 1:00 half struck.
Buy'em.You better buy 'em. These are not stolen.
They're just not paid for.We can't get 'em again.They changed the locks.
It's no good coming back later when I've sold out.
"Too late"will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by.
If you've got no money on you,you'll cry tears as big as October cabbages.
Bacon,cozzers!
Shit!
Ed can hustle a few quid here and there...
but his real talent lies in cards and gambling with cards.
Bacon could see that his days of selling goods on street corners are numbered.
It's time to move on,and he knows it.
I'm six foot one. That's perfect for my height.
You're catching up with me.
-What you talking about?I'm skinny. -Of course you are.
-All right,Ed? -Nick the Greek,always a pleasure.
-Tom,what have you been eating? -Enough already!
You two,join me in my office.
So,how much is it then,Tom?
-You know how much it is,Nick. -And that includes the amp?
That does not include the amp.
I thought it included the amp.
Well,it doesn't.
I'll throw in a phone, but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers. It doesn't include the amp.
It's not supposed to include me getting the hump with your stupid questions.
Now,you want it,you buy it.
-What else do I get with it? -A Rolls-Royce,when you pay for it.
Don't know.Seems expensive.
Seems?Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop, and you're complaining about 200.
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal.It's a steal. It's sale of the fuckin'century.
In fact,fuck you.I think I'll keep it.
Keep your alans on.
-Here's a ton. -Jesus Christ!
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.
And you're haggling over 100 pound?
What do you do when you're not buying stereos?Finance revolutions?
-100 pounds is still 100 pounds. -Not when the price is 200 pounds.
And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt,you are.
Come on. Let me feel the fiber of your fabric.
The skinny one is Tom. He's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
He has a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.
Nick has made it his business to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes...
in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.
Between the two of them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.
That's my 25 grand.It's all there.
It took me a long time to earn that, so treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What have you come as?
Cupid,stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting any more fruit off of you.
You call that fresh?
There was more small hairy armored things in your fruit than fruit.
You should open a butcher's,not a grocer's.
If you order stuff from Kathmandu...
don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists en route.
Enough about that.Where's the money?
Keep your fingers out of my soup!
Soap is called Soap because he keeps his hands clean of unlawful behavior.
He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.
He represents the more sensible side of the four.
You sure you can afford 25?
That depends on how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's what you mean.
Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man,Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man then,eh?
Want a sandwich,Bacon?
It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.
The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards...
and there's no shortage of punters.
The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man,Harry...
or as some,including himself, like to call him,Hatchet Harry.
You got it all?
-100 grand. -Well,if you got it,you got it.
Now,if you don't mind--
-What's this Eddie like then? -He's a fucking thief.
Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man,Barry the Baptist.
The Baptist got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.
-Are you gonna fucking pay? -I'll pay!
Harry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.
The boy's got a rare ability. He seems to make cards transparent.
So we can say he's good.
Oh,no,he's better than good. He's a fucking liability.
Here,hold on.What do you think of these? We're selling hundreds.
Very nice,Harry.
What's if for?
Don't play innocent with me,Bazza.Spanking!
There's 25 from me,Tom,Soap and yourself. It's 100 grand to the pound.
-So why the fuck are you counting it? -Because I like to.
So,a reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.
That's for 25 grand invested.
-Going on previous experience. -Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on,it should be enough to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny--You're fat--and look as though you should be,but you're not.
Fat?Who are you calling--Jesus!
It's good in here,isn't it? Handy for the tube.Great electrics.
-I can see why you moved in. -It's cheap,like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.
A bit antisocial to say the least.
-What do you mean? -He means they're thieving bastards.
I mean,when they're not picking peanuts out of poop...
they rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.
Not exactly thick these walls.
Nice work,John.Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times do I have to tell you,Plank?
You find a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.
Now,have you got a problem with that?
Charles,this gear is getting heavier.
I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists or...
Nobel Peace prize winners or something.
Peace prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for piss the amount you keep smoking.
Who the hell's that?
All right,Willie?
Does it look like I'm all right?Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.
Charles,why have we got that cage?
Security.
That's right.That's right.Security.
So what's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?
I would have used it,Winston, but this is Willie,and Willie lives here.
But you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door,did you?
Chill,Winston!It's me.
Charlie knows it's me.What's the problem?
The problem is that Charles and yourself...
are not the quickest of cats at the best of times.
So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!
What is that?
That's Gloria.
Yes,I know that's Gloria.What's that?
Fertilizer.
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter...
and you come back with a semiconscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer.
Alarm bells are ringing.
-We need fertilizer. -We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
If you do have to buy sodding fertilizer...
could you just be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja,yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilier.
You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean,Willie.
-How long's he been in there,son? -About 20 minutes.
-He's on his own? -Yeah,just carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a little visit then,shall we?
Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt is his son and heir...
Little Chris.
This is one of them high-powered jobs, isn't it?
-Got some bad news for you. -What the fuck--
-Mind your language in front of the boy. -Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy as well. Now,tell me,John...
how can you be concentrating on improving this lovely tan...
and it is a lovely tan,by the way...
when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry--I mean,Mr.Harry--
I've been busy.I'm nearly there.
Check his locker,son.
I don't suppose there's any chance of you lifting this sun bed up,is there?
He's not poor.He's got over a monkey here, and that's just in his wallet.
Fucking hell,John.You always walk around with that in yur pocket?
You use language like that again,son, you'll wish you hadn't.
-Sorry,Dad. -Put the rest of the stuff in there.
You can go home in a plastic bag tonight, John.
You owe what you owe, and by the time this tan's faded...
you wanna have paid.
-You never would have paid. -Who would pay for shit?
Exactly.I mean,we had to do certain, you know,things you get...
-What the hell are you doing here? -Why?What's up?
Let me guess.My foot in your ass.
Game of cards?Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your rest in,boy.
You playing cards tonight,son?
-With Harry? -Don't be silly,Dad.
I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
Where did he get 100 grand?
He's got adhesive mates.They're like brothers. They've tossed up between 'em.
And J.D.'s his dad and owns the whole property?
No mortgage,no debts.
Lock,stock,the fucking lot.
Don't you worry,Harry. I've got it under control.
Good.You can get this under control now.
Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money.
These beauties are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter million quid for 'em,if you know what I mean.
Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet.
I don't wanna know who you use,as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell 'em what they're worth,Barry.
Right.Where was we?
Shotguns.What,like guns that fire shot?
You must be the brains then. That's right.Guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet you can keep.It's yours.
Oh,thank you very much. There better be something there for us.
It's a fucking stately home.Of course, there'll be something there.
-Like what? -Like fucking antiques.
Antiques?What the fuck do we know about antiques?
-We rob post offices. -And steal cars.
What the fuck do we know about antiques?
If it looks old,it's worth money.Simple.
So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
So who's the gov?Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me is all you need to know.
You know because yo need to know.
I see.One of those on-a-need-to-know-basis things,is it?
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful.Remember who's giving you this job.
Right.I'm off.Call me when you're done.
Fucking northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking southern fairies.
Ed has been playing cards since he could lift them up.
He soon discovered he had a big advantage.
It's not that he's good with cards or even good at counting them.
It's that he's good at reading people's reactions no matter how subtle.
And everybody has reactions.
Especially when it comes to money.
-Invitations. -Invitations?
Yeah,invitations.Four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
We got 100,000 bits of paper with the queen's head on.
-Will that do? -All right,just you.
The others can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's?You mean the pub?Hold on.
Hold on to your fucking tongue, and I will hold on to my patience.
No one in here tonight but cardplayeres, and I do mean no one.
Evening,Frazer.Don,Phil.
It's a bit dramatic,isn't it? Is this supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
Yeah?I'd have brought me gloves, if I'd have known.
You must be Eddie,J.D.'s son.
You must be Harry.Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind,son.You just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Evening,Tanya.Been a while.
All right,Ed?
Right.We call each other Kenny,okay,Gary?
All right,Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on or what?
I'vew just spent 120 quid on me hair.
If you think I'm pulling a stocking over it,you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three card brag.
Three threes are the highest,then three aces,then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush,a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man.
And it will cost you twice ante to see your opponent.
Don't fuck around.You know the rules, and you know I won't stand for it.
What are you doing?Put that back. We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back.It's crap anyway.
Come on.Come ahead.
-What sort of pub is this then? -It's a Samoan pub.
-What's that? -It's cocktail.You asked for one.
No,I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.
I wasn't pexpecting a fucking rain forest.
You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint,go to the pub.
-I thought this was a pub. -It's a Samoan pub.
Whatever it is,can you get your man to turn the TV down?
You can ask him if you like. If I was you,I'd leave him well alone.
Here.Get rid of that.Bring us a Diet Coke.
Excuse me.Can you turn that TV down?
Whoa.Whoa,Kenny!
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
You twat,can't you see these people have got no money?
They can't even afford new furniture!
We've got the guns.What's the matter with you?
Every time we do a job,you have to burn people's feet.What's wrong with ya?
You wanna be more careful,old fella.
You very nearly took my man's head clean off with that.
You all right,Kenny?
Ten grand blind.
Twenty grand open.
Deep end,eh?
Fold.
Gotcha.
Twenty grand open.
I'll fold.
Don't go spending that all at once,boy.
Bloody hell.
-What? -Thought you said there'd be no staff.
-Did you get those guns? -Wanna see what they did to poor Gary?
I said,"Did you get those guns?"
Yes!We got them!
Good.I'll speak to you later.
If you can hear me, get back in the car now mate,okay?
Fucking,sodding,shandy-drinking bastard!
Give me my money!Give me back my money, you fucking slags!
You give me my money!
Give me back my money!Give it back!
Wankers!Wankers!
Come on.Not now,please.
Not now.Oh,you fucking bastard.
Come on.Fuck.Bastard.
Oh,my good God. We'll take you to the cleaners.
Twenty grand open.
30,000.Back to you already,Eddie.
Fifty grand.
Eighty grand.
100 grand.
Whoa,whoa,whoa.Look,fellas,I know...
I know you're not in, which means no one cares what you know.
Two hundred and fifty.
That's quite a raise.
That's 150 on my 100.
Yeah,and is there anything else you wanna say?
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We must see both your cards if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.
It's a loan,or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No,I think I'd rather just turn 'em over.
I'm not niterested in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn them over because you can borrow.
I need 250 grand.
No, you need 500 grand to see me.
That's if I wanna see ya.
You're gona have a problem carrying on, ain't ya?
I'll see ya.
Okay,before I loan you this...
I expect,if you lose,of course...
my money back within a week.
Crystal?That's sunday,okay?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
Hello,boy.Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash...
so I'm gonna give you one week to find it.
Otherwise,I will take a finger of each of you and your friends's hands...
for every day that passes without payment.
And then when you run out of digits...
your dad's bar and who know what then, all right,my son?
This doesn't look good.
He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate position they were in.
Harry was going to start sizing up all their fingers in a week...
because he knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt on his own.
Harry saw it as their money on the table...
so it was also their debt off the table.
Ed would hate to admit it,but he could have kissed the old bastard for that.
If he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own,it would have been a lie.
I wish to Christ he would have let me settle the debt on my own.
-I'm gonna kill him! -Stop fucking about,Tom!
Think about what we're gonna do. Now,sit down.
What's all the fuss about Harry? Why don't we just boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson who worked for Harry.
It was rumored that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.
Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Within a minute,Harry's lost his rag...
reached out for the nearest thing wihich was a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.
Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence,Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry.I'.. think of something.
Golf,the best way to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I got bigger teeth than you two.
I think our friend is trying to tell us something.
Perhaps not.Prehaps I should take another swing just to make sure.
-Give me a five iron,John. -Certainly,Dog.
Keep still.
Yes,Gordon,is there something you'd like to tell us?
-It's in the fireplace. -Shut it,you idiot!
-Yes,Gordon?You were saying? -It's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out.It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace,Plank. Just pull it out.It's in the bottom.
Dog,I think you want to have a look at this.
-You gonna let me down now? -No.
I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help!Help!Help!
Who the hell is that?It's only 12:00.
Use the cage.That's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security for a reason,Willie.
Chill,Winston.It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep, you know,fellas?All right?
Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw ya there.Hello,love, Enjoying yourself?
-Is she compos? -What do you think?
Fuck me.
-Clean that up,Charles. -Sod you.You clean it up.
Sorry,fellas,but that stupid cow scared the fucking life outta me.
Never mind.Can you just sit down, stay out of the way?
-How much is it you want? -I'm after a half weight.
That's 1,500 then.
Pass the scales,Willie.
Give us some gear,J.
Any chance of actually seeing the money?
The odds are a hundred to one.
All we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse.
The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason,Bacon.It won't win!
-Where's Eddie? -Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle and has been for two days.
-It's hit him hard. -It's hit us all hard!
But he's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You open up a company called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club.
You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag...
advertising the latest in arse intruding dildos.
You sell it with "does what no other dildo can do until now.
The latest and greatest in sexual technology.
Guaranteed results or your money back." All that bollocks.
These dills cost 25 quid a pop.
That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients.
But they send their checks to the other company name.
Nothing offensive. Bobbies Bits or something for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid,stick it in the bank until it clears.
This is the smart bit...
You send back the check for 25 pound from the other company name...
Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club saying...
we're sorry,and we couldn't get the supplies from America...
because they've run out of stock.
Now you see how many people cash that check.Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse...
when they're not paying in checks?
How long do you have to wait until you see a return?
-Not more than four weeks.-A month?
What fucking good is that if we need it in six...no,five days?
It's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit...
but he can't have any idea how much hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know.
Do you know?
We can just slice it off the top.
You guys gotta realize who this chap is.
Might look a bit silly but he's a fucking lunatic.
And if he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice...
then you and me are gonna know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
Well enough.I've been buying gear off one of them for a couple of years.
-So what are they like? -Poofs.Nothing heavy.
Four public schoolboys.Soft as shite.
They pounce around in funny hippy clothes all day talking bollocks.
They're just good at growing weed.
Business has got bigger than what they can keep up with.
Well,they can't all be stupid,can they?
Think about it.They've got a container load of cash in shoe boxes.
They're selling class-A gear. Don't you think someone sensible's involved?
What about security?
There's one steel gate as you go in, but they never lock it.
What do you mean,never lock it? What have they got it for then?
I've been there 50 times. It's never locked.They're not suspicious.
Everyone who goes there's a toff. They're all into that karma crap.
"If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me" stuff.
No way they can get back to you?
Even if they could,they'd be too scared. I'm a geezer.
They've got no muscle.Gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping about? You told the old man yet?
Hoping I don't need to.
I've got a plan.Now,listen carefully.
-Hello,boys. -Harry.
Want a drink?
Hello,my son.Do you want a lolly?
Piss off,you nonce.
Watch it.
No,thanks,Harry.We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
Yeah,one of a pair.Holland and Holland.
-Do you want to hold it? -No,not my thing.Thanks.
Business good?I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellows got in deeper than they could handle.
They owe me half-a-million pound.
How much?
Half a million.
I'm game.
Me too.
Oh,God!
Right.
We hit 'em as soon as they come back. We'll be prepared,waiting.
-And they're armed. -What was that?Armed?
What do you mean,armed?Armed with what?
Bad breath,colorful language,feather duster.
What do you think they're gonna be armed with?Guns,you tit!
Guns?You never said anything about guns.
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.
Soap,stop being such a mincer.
-I thought about that and... -And what exactly?
And all we have to do is find out who's carrying 'em.
Carrying 'em?They could all be carrying em for what we know.
Only one of 'em carries 'em going to the job.
I assume the same one will be carrying 'em when they come back from the job.
You assume?
What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuckups?
It's the mother of all fuckups.
Brother,mother,any other sucker. It don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking bullets.
If you have a better idea how to get 500,000 pounds in the next few days...
Let us know!
In the meantime,Tom,talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.
-Weed? -It's not normal weed.
It's some fucked-up skunk class A. I can't think let alone move shit.
-Doesn't sound very good to me. -Neither me.
But it depends what flicks your switch.
And the light is on and burning brightly for the masses.
Anyway,do you know anuyone?
I know a man,yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an Afro? I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to.Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that?A place near Kathmandu? Meet me halfway,mate.
It's all completely chicken soup.
-It's what? -It's kosher as Christmas.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Never mind that. We're gonna need some artillery too.
Couple of sawed-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy.This is London, not Lebanon.
-Who do you think I am? -I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything to do with weed...
but if it is what he says it is...
I'll take it off him for three-and-a-half grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it after a sample. I don't want to touch it after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you one thing.
If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah,I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny-looking fucker,I know.
But you've got to look past the hair and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive facade.
A few nights ago,Rory's Roger iron busted.
So he's gone down the Battle Cruiser to watch the end of a football game.
No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over.
A fat geezer's north opens.
He wanders up and turns the liza over.
"Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else."
Rory knows the claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the game's end.
So calm as a coma...
picks up a fire extinguisher...
walks straight past the jam rolls who were ready for action...
and plunks it outside the entrance.
He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub...
and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it,"says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?"says Rory.
He gobs out a mouthful of booze covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest...
and the geezer's lit up like a leading gas pipe.
Rory,unfazed,turns back to his game.
His team's won too.Four,nil.
Is your hair supposed to look like that?
-All right,short stuff. -Never mind short stuff.
The next time we do a job like this, we're gonna want more money.
Or we're going back to post offices and cars.
-Where's the others? -There was no others.
Stop fucking around.The others,the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns there. Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet there wasn't.
There was a couple of old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying.
-But they were ours.We sold them. -You better unsell them sharpish.
We had to sell them.We needed the money!
I'm not fucking interested!
If you don't wanna be counting the fingers you haven't got...
I suggest you get those guns quick!
Jesus.
If I pick them up, will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts.
You point them at me,I'll shit myself or do whatever you say to do.
Either way,you get the desired effect.
They look very nice.I agree,but...
they're lacking in criminal credibility.
I might get laughed at.
-How much you want for these muskets? -700 each.
What's that? A pound for every year they've been about?
I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.
-They're a bit long,ain't they? -Sawn-offs are out.
-People want a bit more range nowadays. -Range?
I don't want to blow the ass out of this country granted...
but I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry at me either.
I want to look fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean. You'll look really scary.
What about this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money,tubby Tommy.
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock.
But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you,the good father.
-Go on. -He likes your bar.
-Yes? -He wants your bar.
And?
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
That boy doesn't know his asshole from his ear hole.This is my bar.
It's got nothing to do with him.
What,and I care?
You do have the luxurious advantage of being able to sustain your son's life.
And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words very carefully.
You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Now...
I'll put that down to shock,only once...
Only once can I or shall I...
Let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days to find half a mil.
But make up your mind which you prefer.
Your bar or your son.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked,is it,Plank?
-Never. -It don't wanna be.
Once he's got himself set, he gets the rest of us in.
We get nasty with a couple of them. Shoot 'em up,gag 'em,whatever.
These wankers shouldn't give us any problems.
But like any cowboys, there'll be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.
And Robert's your father's brother.
-Everyone savvy? -Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed to do with these?
-Put them on your head,stupid. -Christ!
If you think I'm gonna turn up clean shaven and greet them with a grin...
you got another thing coming.
These fellas are your neighbors.
I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves a little.
Right.Yeah,good thinking,Soap.Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons?What do you mean weapons?
-These. -Jesus!
Let's keep 'em covered up,eh?
Couldn't you have got anything a bit bigger?
What?Like that?
What do you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have a couple of drinks,please?
Have you seen your dad? Hatchet sent one of his men round.
Shit.When?
Crazy...
Where did you get these,a fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
-How much did you part with? -700 for the pair.
Drachmas,I hope.
I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do more harm than good.
Jesus,Tom.Do these work?
Don't know.Look nice though,don't they? I rather like them.
That's top of the list of priorities, that is.
Ladies!Back to more important issues, if you don't mind.
We have only got two real guns. Apparently that's what they are.
So we find a good place to hide next door.
We wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack-in-the-box...
look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape...
nick their van,swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here.
As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly...
it's the last thing they're gonna expect.
If Tom or anyone else feels like giving them a bit of a kicking...
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah,a little bit of pain never hurt anybody...
if you know what I mean.
Also,I think knives are a good idea.
Big fuck-off shiny ones.
Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good, because they don't make any noise.
And the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them.
Shit 'em right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
Guns for show.Knives for a pro.
Soap,is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Come on,girls.
Where the fuck are they going? Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where'd they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea,that.
All right.It's Plank.Is Willie there?
No,I'm afraid he's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Perhaps I can't,Plank, if you know what I mean.
If you could just open the door so I could talk without shouting.
I can't help you,Plank.
I think you'll find it is in your interest.
Hold on,okay?
Willie,it's Plank outside for you. He says it's in our interest.
I don't care if it's King fucking Kong!
He's not coming in here,not today.
Hold on.We are in business...
and correct me if I'm wrong, but that is business.
Corrected.
That's a walking accident. That we can do without.
He's okay.He knows only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least a couple of thou.
What do you think,Winston?
This is the last time.
All right?But you and the money are going out the back.
If he knows you're here,he'll be all day. Let's clear this shit up.
-What,now? -Yes,now!
-Just get rid of him quick. -All right.Just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on!I can't wait out here all day.
Just coming.
I thought you was gonna leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were a removals man.
Lives and learns,don't ya?
-You keep the gates locked now? -Yeah.
Sorry.Gotta do business like this now.
-Can't be too careful these days. -I know.
Shut it!You say a fucking word, the right ear goes!Another,then your left.
What are you doing?
What do you think?Hang on.What are you doing?
Unlock the fucking gate!
That's it.Go,go,go!Fucking move!
-What the fuck's going on? -I've got the bloody keys!
The gate's locked.I don't believe the fucking gate's locked.
-What have you done to Fauntleroy? -He just passed out.
Get that fucking door shut. You want the world to see us?
What's going on down there?
Shit.
Charles...
get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
-It must be this one. -Hold that gun.
Give me the keys.
Don't point it at me bollocks! Point it in there!
Planks of wood. I'm working with fucking planks of wood.
Shit.
-What the fuck is that? -It's me Bren gun.
Don't you think you could have brought something a little more practical?
Don't none of you slags move, I'll kill the fucking lot of ya!
Who're you gonna kill,Plank? There's no one fucking there.
-They fucking shot me! -Well,shoot 'em back.
Jesus,Plank.
Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thing.
Shit!I've been shot!
I don't fucking believe this. Could everyone stop getting shot?
John,sit down and patch yourself up.
You tart.It's a fucking air rifle!
-What the fuck was that? -That was the Bren gun.
If you fire that gun again, you're a dead man.Understand?
No ifs,no buts,you're a fucking dead man!
I've got the... Where's me fucking gun?
All right.Have I got your attention?
Firstly,I'm gona blow his toes off.
There go his toes.
Now if you want me out of here in five minutes flat...
open the fucking gate or I'll blow his leg off!
They're gonna fucking kill us if we do.
Poor J'll certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience.Hurry up,girls.
It's all fucking right!
Willie,he doesn't know you're here.
Just sort something out.
And all your friends,there's a good lad.
There's only three of us here.
I don't believe you. I'm gonna bolw his leg off.
I mean it.
-There's only three of us. -Plank?
One of 'em's out.
Open the gate.
Up,up,there's a good lad.
John,get them tied up. Plank,where's the money?
There.In those shoe boxes.
-Where? -Out the back.
-And the weed? -Out the back.
-Point! -With what?
Your fucking hands.Now!
-I'm tied up. -Nod your head or something.
Check it out. Plank,get Paul outta that van lively.
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he knows he's dead.
-How you doing? -How you think?
He's fucking nearly chopped me arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Gordon Bennett. What the fuck's been going on here?
Shut up,you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.Well,don't just stand there.
Can you fit it all in the bags?
There's a lot.
I can't get Epping Forest in my van.
I don't want to hear "can't." Bollocks to "can't."
You'll fit it all in if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks.
You got a ticket already,and if you don't move it,we will move it for you.
-I'll only be a minute. -You've already been 15.
Look,come and have a look.
-At what,exactly? -Well,the van's half full.
-So? -So all I've gotta do...
is fill it up,put you in it.
What?
And I'm off.
Do you think you can carry more than one bag this time?
I can't.My neck.
-How many more bags? -Just a couple.
Mick,you dead yet?
I'll be all right...
once I've dealt with that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
It's time to say "good night,nurse."
Where the fuck did she come from?
That is it.Tie her up.We're out of here.
-What are you doing,Ed? -Do you want one?
No,I fucking don't. You cannot make a cup of tea.
The entire British Empire was bulit on cups of tea.
Look what happened to that.
If you think I'm going to war without one, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten those guns,you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
-Paul,what's that? -It's a traffic warden.
I can see that. What's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough.We'll deal with him later.
How're we doing,Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
All right,mate.Do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things.Just hide.
We're on.
They weigh a pound or two.
Shut up and badk up!
Spin round,big boy.
Fuck!
Stay down!
Tie 'em up,tape 'em up,hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys.I want keys.Now.
I'll find ya.
'Course you will,sweetheart.
What do you think this is, fucking hide-and-seek?
Search that one.
Right.I'll see you in the van when you've finished with handsome here.
That wasn't too bad,was it?
When the bottle in my ass has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon,see what we've got.
Let's have a butcher's,eh?
We've hit the jackpot,lads.
We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed.
A shitload of cash.
-And a traffic warden. -What?
Jesus,Ed,we got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.
-What did they want with him? -I don't know!We don't need him.
Knock him out and dump him at the lights.
What do you mean "knock him out"?With what?
I don't know.Use your imagination.
Don't touch him up.Knock him out.
I'll knock you out in a minute.
You wanna knock him out,you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit,Chris.
Tomorrow's the day,and mum's the word.
-I can't have that,can I,Baz? -No,you can't.
I mean,it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken, can I,Chris?
No,you can't.
I mean,it's enough to give me the asshole.
And I can's have the asshole,can I,boys?
No,you can't.
Right,that's it.We're done.
-We're off. -Here,Ed.
Are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours?
It's the last place they're gonna look.
Anyway,fuck it.The battle is over, and the war is won.
Tom,you take this to Nick the Bubble, then we get rid of it quick.
It's skunk,and it's as good as it gets.
All right.We'll take it.Half price.
I don't think he'll like that. You said three-five a key...
and you know that's a good price.
It was yesterday I said 3 1/2 and now it's today,if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow,half price.
If he wants to get rid of it quick, he'll have to take it.
Now,look, I've got a race coming up in a minute...
so if you'd be kind enough to--
Lenny...
take that round to Snow white and the three little chemists.
They should have a gander at that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on.Something stinks.
Yeah,your fucking aftershave.
Fuck you,funny man.
For God's sake,help me!
I'm in pain!I'm in so much pain!
Go slowly,Nathan.
Fuck you,funny man.You go first.
Just get the fuck in there.
I want this house searched for bugs. I want it stripped.
Where's the point?Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it.
It's a bit late for you to start thinking.
If it's a possibility,that's good enough for me.
When you've stripped this place, I want every slag this side of Ceylon...
pulled in and tortured,badly.
I wanna know who's responsible.Or else, I'm gonna hold you responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
-What's left over? -Give me half a chance to count it.
What about this gear then,eh?
You want a toke on that?
No,I don't think I want any of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up and get drunk now,please?
We shot one of them in the throat.
You want a medal?
I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you shot.Is he still in there now?
No,it was another one.
That's more like it.Where is he?
They took him with.
He's still alive.
What'd you shoot him with?An air gun?
Look,we grow weed.We're not mercenaries.
-You don't say. -Who could it be?
Where do we start?
Mr.Breaker.Today my name is Mr.Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things and thinks he can sell it back to me!
He's got less brains than you,Lenny.
Get Nick,the greasy wop...
...Greek batard round here now...
if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
Don't "uh" me,Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid, soon to be dead friends...
thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,Nikolas.
I know you couldn't have known my position...
'cause you're not that stupid that if you did...
you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your ass...
with that "what's going on here" look slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know...
is where these people live.
If you hold back anything,I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth,I'll kill you.
If you forget anything,I'll kill you.
In fact,you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive,Nick.
Now do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't,I'll kill ya.
Now,Mr.Bubble and Squeak...
you may enlighten me.
We've got a bit of a problem,haven't we?
Well,yeah.Yeah,we do.
In fact,it's a little bit more than a little bit of a problem,isn't it?
On a scale of things,you could say it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems.
And the reason it's such a mon-fucking-strosity of a problem is...
you've not even got the first idea who did this to us,have you?
We've been up all night. It's no one from round here.
We've had 'em all lined up against the wall.
If it was a toerag from round the manor, we'd know.
You'd know?You'd fucking know?
You wouldn't know if it was the next-door fucking neighbors!
Get out there and find 'em! I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
Get out of my fucking sight!You shit!
Scarface.
I've watched Scarface.
If you wanna know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.
That really inspires confidence,that.
This guy,Rory Breaker--
Rory Breaker? Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
That'd be the same man,yes.
I heard about him.He's a fucking lunatic.
He can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him giving us any trouble 'cause he knows...
we'll be a pain in the ass, and who needs a pain in the ass.
I'll take a pain in the ass for half-a-million quid.
You'd take a pain in the ass for air miles.
The fatter you get,the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet,this deal puts us up...
nearly 200,000 pounds each.
That's not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.
-So they had the cash. -And the puff.
Cheeky bastards.Count it.
Shit,Dog,there's a lot. Don't you wanna do it next door?
We're not going next door till we've flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs. I don't want them to see you...
fingering the money when they walk through the door.
But,Dog,look--
Give us it here,dozy bastard.
Check your guns.Get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get right inside the door, then you give it to 'em.
Give me them shooters.You can use your own.
-That's no way to answer the phone. -Is that you,Dean?
No,it's Lord fucking Lucan.Who do you think?
-What can I do for ya? -I need those guns I sold you back.
Not likely,I'm afraid. I don't think I'll be seeing them again.
I've got the money to pay for them.
I'm sure you do, but I don't think you understand.
I ain't gonna be seeing them or the guns again.
Can't get them.
If we can't get them,we can't get them.
You'll have to fucking get 'em.
We made the fucking deal for everything inside the cabinet.
Inside,outside.I don't give a shit.
You get those guns because if you don't...
-Or what? -Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "'ack you up with an 'atchet" Harry.
Well,this is...
James Bond,need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean,find 'em,torture 'em and kill 'em.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't your family's bang in trouble.
Who ws that?
-Harry horrible Hatchet. -Jesus,I've heard of him.
We're in shit.They were his fucking guns we sold.
We've gotta find 'em.
No fucking about.Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do proper decoration job.
I want the gray skies of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right.
There's this brass standing on the corner, right?
Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase...
Winston there...
is gonna come along and see if he recognizes any of 'em.
Watch out for these fellas.
They've got a bit of an arsenal, and they don't mind using it.
And I'm taking down her panties.
Does everyone here know what they gotta do?
Yeah��
What the fuck is going on?
You got something for me here,have ya?
Come on.Chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the guns.You get them.
-Why me? -You're supposed to be the hard case.
You get the guns,I drive the car!
Good boy.
-Get the fucking guns! -I'm not gonna get the fucking guns!
You get the fucking guns!
Right,wrap them guns up.
Count the money.Put your seat belt on.
Fucking guns!
We've gotta get the fucking guns or we're dead!
So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.
Get out of the car,you yuppie fucker!
-He's the one we shot in the neck. -Is that right,Mr.Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus!
The money,the gear.
This is fucked.
No money...
no weed.
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
Don't panic.Let's think about this.
No.Fuck that.You can think about it.
I am panicking,and I'm off.
-How did you get your hands on these? -The boys had 'em.
I know you like these sort of things. Wondered if you wanted 'em.
Yeah,I'll have 'em.
-Was it hard work getting the money? -Not especially.
Upset a few characters,though.
-You counted it? -Yeah.It's all there,to the pound.
-And they were gonna pay? -Looks like it.
But who knows.The opportunity was there.
In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity...
if it's there.
Good work,Chris.
We've got to get those guns.
This is dangerous shit. We don't even know who lives there.
I don't care who lives there.All's I know...
is that it's preferable to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough.Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that,the old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily.
-I'm gonna phone him. -As if he'll care.
He'll care.That was supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us or not is different. Pass me the phone.
Yeah?
That you,boy?
It's Ed,if that's what you mean.
Payday,ain't it?
Yeah.I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half-a-million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetting a few people.
But that really isn't my concern,is it?
What does concern me is the guns you had.
I wanna tlk to you about that.
So get your ass over here now. And I do mean now.
Bastard!You fucking bastard!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Job well done.We made a few quid out of that one.
Son?
Made a few quid,did ya?
Where's what I want?
-You all right down there,mate? -Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We better go and get it,then...
if you want your son to see his next birthday.
-Now chop-fucking-chop. -All right.Fair enough.
Where you going?
It's a 30-second drive or a five-minute walk.
I couldn't have parked outside.
I'd have got a ticket.
-Don't matter now,does it? -Just be careful.
Right.
-You and me? -You and who?
You know where the door handle is,Tom.
Oh,no,not again.
That's it.I'm off.
That is our bag.
Hold on.
This is our bag.
We're off.
I'll see you in the car.I want these guns.
-Don't fuck about! -I'll see you in the car.
It'll only take a minute.
-What is going on? -I don't know.
But what I do know is there's no more Harry.
Which means there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the neighbors because they're all dead.
And I think,if I get this right...
we haven't done anythin wrong and we're in the clear.
Never ever...
has anyone been...
as fucking rude to me...
as you did!
You all right,mate?
Cheeky bastard.
Now this was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.
But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding...
what apeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns.
And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.
So without any body losing too much face...
Tom left through a side door, and Chris left with the money.
And everybody else got arrested.
He's not one of 'em.
I think your bad would like a word with you.
-Where are the others? -They got out yesterday.
They're back at the bar.
-All right,Dad? -I'm all right.How about yourself?
I'm all right.
-Could do with a drink,though. -All in good time.
So,you in the clear?
More importantly,am I?
It apears so.
Appears?
You'll have to do better than fucking "appears," my friend.
Well,everybody's dead.I think that's about as clear as you can get.
-How about that drink? -You know where the bar is.
Don't make yourself too comfortable. Alan's gotta sit there.
You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk.
I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.
You took your time.Where the hell have you been?
Sit down.I'll tell ya.
So the traffic warden identified the neighbors'bodies...
which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case...
is those shotguns.
Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you,Tom?
-I wanted to talk to you about that. -Well,talk.
Well,actually,no.
I've got 'em in the car. I was gonna sell 'em to Nick...
but I'm having trouble getting hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So...
the only thing connecting us with the case...
is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away.
They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us,are they?
Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds?
You're a dick.
Now take those guns, and throw 'em off a bridge.
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Now.
-Look,all I... -Now,Tom!
Can I have a beer,please,Dad?
I'm busy.Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot.
And it seems to have cost him.
I ain't gonna make the same mistake,now,am I?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen,is "thank you."
Thank you.
Now you've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself and me son.
Now if you think that's unfair, you come and pay me a little visit.
But you better be waving a white flag, high and clear...
so's I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little visit you ever make.
You understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing.
It's been emotional.
We are now offically in the money-lending business.
All right,son?
Put your seat belt on.We're out of here.
It's empty.
What's his mumber?
Don't! You'll jam the line.I'll call him.
My fucking battery.
-Gimme the phone! -I'll dial it!
Just be calm. Shut up and tell me the number!
You'll break it,and it'll be fucked,won't it?