[MUSIC PLAYS]
Good morning, Mr. Feeny.
Good morning, Mr. Matthews.
A candy bar?
Doesn't your mother feed you a proper breakfast?
Oh, yeah, she does.
And I got to get the taste of this Shredded Wheat...
out of my mouth.
You know, you're not doing your body any favors...
loading up on junk like that.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Feeny.
And please enjoy that high-vitamin astronaut drink...
you're sucking down.
There's no gravity in space, Mr. Matthews.
Therefore, astronauts suck up.
Learn from them.
He's a teacher, man.
Keep raggin' on him...
he's gonna make your whole sixth-grade year miserable.
I'm gonna be miserable anyhow.
At least this way, I'm taking him with me.
Hey, who's that?
[NO AUDIO]
I think she's new.
She must be new. She's talking to Feeny.
OK, so how late did you stay up last night?
Monologue.
Monologue, first guest.
Monologue, first guest, bad sketch.
Monologue, first guest, bad sketch...
funny zoo animal.
Monologue, first guest...
bad sketch, funny zoo animal...
Steve Lawrence.
Whoa!
Steve Lawrence!
[BELL RINGS]
And there's the bell.
4 hours till lunch.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
She's dead, Mr. Bornihay.
Pick up the knife...
and kill yourself.
Come on, Mr. Feeny...
you and I both know she's not really dead.
May I please stab her a few times...
just to make sure?
Hey, you touch me with that knife...
you better kill me the first time.
Mr. Feeny...
All right, all right.
Cory.
Huh?
What's the score?
Bottom of the third, 2 outs.
Dykstra's on second, Kruk's on first...
3 and 2 to Daulton.
What's this, Mr. Matthews?
Huh?
W-what did you say, Mr. Feeny?
You took my hearing aid.
Smoltz delivers, Daulton swings.
Oh, he got a piece of that one.
It's a long drive deep to center.
Otis Nixon back, back to the warning track...
climbs up the wall, and...
ohh!
Mr. Matthews, Romeo and JuLiet...
is Shakespeare's ultimate testament of love...
between a man and a woman.
BOY: HeLp! HeLp. Mr. Feeny! HeLp!
Help! Help!
Miss Kincaid, thank you.
Thank you...
for that, uh...
vigorous interpretation.
Mr. Matthews, you do not listen to the ballgame...
in the middle of my class.
Mr. Feeny, who cares about some guy...
who killed himself over some dumb girl?
The tragedy here, Mr. Matthews...
is not about a dumb girl...
or the boy who kills himself because of her.
It's about the all-consuming power of love...
and the inevitability of its influence...
on each of our lives.
Are you aware that I'm only 11 years old?
Are you aware that you have detention Friday afternoon?
No, actually, I did not know that.
You will?
OK, great.
Yeah, me, too.
All righty. oK.
Bye.
Yes!
Phillies won, 8-3.
I'm going out with Heather Ralston!
You know what that means?
It means every guy in the 10th grade wants to be me.
It means if they win Friday night...
they're in the playoffs.
Look, Cory, we got to talk about something.
That makes the game we're going to...
the most important game of the year!
Look, Cory, my date with Heather's Friday.
Now, look, I got a slight case...
of detention from Feeny...
but I'll just meet you at the bus. What?!
It's the only night she was available.
You're not going to the game?
That's terrible.
Actually, Cory, it, uh...
it gets worse.
She's going to the game with us.
You're really close.
She and I are going to the game?
Come on, Cory, it's my first date with her.
It's really important to me.
But, Eric, going to the Phillies game's...
like our special thing.
Cory, I'm trying to get...
a special thing going with Heather.
Now, look, you could be happy for me...
and accept this like a mature guy...
- or you can... - Dad!
Overreact.
Dad!
Just the kid I want to see.
Mom, we have a major problem.
You have detention with Mr. Feeny.
How could you possibly know that?
He stuck his head over the fence and told me...
while I was bringing in the groceries.
I Want to move.
Why did you get detention?
You know, you're missing the bigger issue, Dad.
You bought a house next to my teacher.
I Want to move.
I Want to move now.
Get the guy with the gold jacket.
I'll be in the car.
Why did you get detention?
Apparently, he'd rather listen to the baseball game...
on the radio...
than try to understand the emotional content...
of Romeo and JuLiet.
Mom, I'm a kid.
I don't understand the emotional content...
of FuLL House.
I do.
CoRY: Besides, I don't know why you're dumping on me.
I'm not the one who sold out my only brother...
for some girl.
Eric, she said yes!
- Yup. - Congratulations!
You were in on this?
Come on, Cory, don't you think you're making...
a big deal about this game?
I don't care about the game.
I don't care about the tickets.
I wouldn't take them if you offered them to me.
All right, look, I'll just take Heather somewhere else.
Here, you want the tickets?
- Yeah! - Get real!
Dad!
Cory, he paid for those tickets with his own money.
He can take whoever he likes.
But I earned those tickets.
I slept with him for 11 years!
Look, pal, when you're older...
you'll understand how your brother feels...
because girls will be important to you, too.
Fine. My brother betrays me...
my parents take his side.
Fine. I don't have a friend in this house.
Do you want me and Debbie...
to go to the baseball game with you?
Hey, go to the game with my sister and her doll. Great.
Maybe during the seventh-inning stretch...
I could run through the stadium...
in my old Spider-Man underwear.
Well, you don't have to dress up for me.
Well, mine's got fuzz.
Mine's got lips.
Hey, bagman...
rough life being an only child, huh?
Yeah. Rougher life being an orphan...
which is what I am as of last night.
What happened?
I dumped my family, and my family dumped me.
It Was mutual.
They're keeping the house.
Well, we're here for you, Cory.
Thanks. You're my new brothers.
Hey, how about we go to the game Friday night?
I thought the game was sold out.
It is. So we go down early.
There's always guys with extra tickets.
Don't you have detention Friday?
Ah, don't worry about detention.
I can handle Feeny. Feeny loves me.
Feeny hates you.
Well, it's one of the two. We'll see who's right.
Mr. Feeny, may I sit down?
I'd rather you didn't.
Hates me.
Mr. Matthews, I spend 35 to 40 hours a week...
dealing with the perceived problems...
of whiny little people like yourself.
Now, this is my lunch period, my respite from the fray.
I spend 4 hours with you every morning...
and 3 hours with you every afternoon.
Now, for God's sake, get out of my face.
Evelyn.
George.
I saved a place for you.
Oh, aren't you sweet? [SIGH]
And who is this young man?
Uh, my name's Cory Matthews.
Mr. Feeny's my teacher.
He hates me.
Now, Cory, I'm sure that Mr. Feeny doesn't hate you.
[DOG BARKS]
Oh, good. Caught you home.
Housewarming gift.
Chocolate pie...
with a side of barbecued chicken and corn on the cob.
Now, I would've bought you a plant...
but, hey, you're in a tree.
Thanks, Mom.
Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
I've been in this tree house a million times.
Never after dark.
Wa ha ha ha!
MORGAN: Cory!
I got to put a moat around this place.
Do you want Debbie to keep you company?
Why would I want your doll to keep me company?
In case you get scared.
Morgan, I'm 11 years old. I don't get scared.
And even if I did get scared...
and had to defend myself, my weapon of choice...
would not be a chick with a plastic head.
Well, you don't have to get so snippy.
Hey...
America's funniest home teacher.
[TELEPHONE RINGS FAINTLY]
[NO AUDIO]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
OK, mister, drop my son's underwear.
Mom, it's me.
How do I know it's you?
Who else would want my underwear?
Good point.
Now, don't get your hopes up.
I'm not moving back in or anything.
Oh, hey, I'm just here straightening up the room...
for the boy we rented it out to.
Well, I hope he's got better luck with brothers...
than I did.
You still feeling a little abandoned, Core?
Yeah, well, life goes on.
Yeah, that's what your dad said...
when it happened to him.
Why? Who abandoned Dad?
You did.
I never did anything like this to Dad.
Oh, when you were little...
you couldn't wait for your dad to get home from work...
so you could throw the football around with him.
I'll tell you something... he looked forward to it...
as much as you did.
So how come we don't do that so much anymore?
Well... you got a little older...
and you had a bunch of friends...
and you were more interested...
in throwing the football around with them.
Wait a minute.
It sounds like you're saying I'm the bad guy.
No, honey, there's no bad guy.
All I'm saying is that it's natural...
that people grow up and priorities change. oK?
- Mom. - Hmm?
You were always cordial to me when I lived here.
Thank you, Cory. And I give you my word...
that the new boy will never replace you...
in our hearts.
[SIGH]
You're not gonna talk to me at all...
are you, Mr. Feeny?
Because I've been sitting in this seat for 38 minutes...
and I've been very good...
and I think you should let me go.
Look, an 11-year-old boy...
cannot sit still this long.
I'm going to get up.
I'm up.
I'm dancing.
I'm leaving.
My hand is on the knob.
The door is open.
Fine.
I'm in the haLL!
Mr. Feeny, this stinks.
It's supposed to stink, Mr. Matthews.
It's detention. You're being detained...
from whatever it is you'd rather be doing.
Well, I think it's a cruel...
and unusual life-sucking torture.
You've captured the essence.
Why do we have to stay here? Just because...
I don't want to hear about this love stuff?
Because I know it only leads to no good...
and I know in your heart you agree with me.
What brings you to that conclusion, Mr. Matthews?
'Cause you and I had dinner together last night.
Really? I wasn't aware.
I had chocolate pie...
and you had salad for two all by yourself.
How did you know that?
'Cause I slept in my tree house last night.
You know why? 'Cause this love stuff...
has turned my whole family against me.
And you're teaching us...
how it's worth killing yourself for...
when I know you don't really believe that...
do you?
Well...
You shrewd little observer of the human condition.
How blissful it must be for you...
to have lived so little...
and yet already reached your conclusions...
about the greatest wonder of the universe.
Y-you know what, Mr. Feeny?
Keep the radio.
Shakespeare wrote plays and sonnets.
The Greeks wrote tragedies and comedies.
Robert Burns, Emily Dickinson...
the Brownings examined the depths of human emotions.
And do you know what each one of these...
poets, playwrights, and philosophers...
had in common, Mr. Matthews?
They all took your class?
Every one of them was older than 11.
You come into my classroom...
at the beginning of the year...
and at the end, you go.
And I really don't know...
if in the time we spent together...
I have taught you anything.
Well, this afternoon, Mr. Matthews...
you are going to learn something from me.
Do I have your attention?
Yes, sir.
I live on the other side of the fence from you, Cory...
and it's impossible not to face...
in your direction every once in a while...
and notice the people in the next yard.
And through the years, I've got to know them.
It is apparent that they are fine individuals...
but...
their real strength comes from being a family.
And do you know why they're a family, Cory?
Because at one time...
a man and a woman realized that they loved each other...
and pursued the unlimited potential...
of what may come from that love.
And here you are.
There is no greater aspiration...
than to have love in our lives, Mr. Matthews.
Romeo knew it and died for it.
Others know it and...
prepare salads.
And those who don't know it...
will sit in detention...
for the rest of their lives.
This particular detention is over.
Do you want to have tea with me?
No. Morgan...
I don't want anybody to know I'm here, oK?
Oh, oK. You're moving back in?
Yeah. Don't tell anybody.
Oh, oK.
Cory's back!
No! Shh!
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Well, it's about time. Dinner's on the table...
and the kids have been animals.
Ha ha!
I know that you and Mom will lose out...
on all that rental income...
but I want my old room back.
Well, that comes as quite an economic blow...
but we'll try to get by.
Dad, I'm sorry I dumped you for my friends.
When did you do that?
You know. All the time.
Well, Cory, I'm glad that you have friends...
and I'm glad you're back.
- No, don't hug me! - No, don't hug me!
Die!
Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die!
You missed the puppy-looking thing in the corner.
Die!
There's one We Won't have to neuter.
5 to 3. Phillies are in the playoffs.
Yeah, I heard.
What do you mean you heard? You were there.
I really wasn't paying much attention to the game, Cory.
Why not? It was a great game.
It was not, however, a great date.
You had a bad date?
No, I had a great date.
Heather Was beautiful.
She knew what to say, she knew what to do.
Unfortunately, her date spilled food...
tripped over chairs, and had nothing interesting...
to say for nine innings.
Eric, you're much too cool for some girl.
News flash. I'm not cool.
You don't know what you're talking about.
OK, you're not cool. And now you know better...
than to go to a game without your brother.
You're right.
I am?
Yeah. That's my first...
and last date with Heather.
I never want to see her again.
Good.
[EXPLOSIONS]
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
Here.
What's this?
Call her.
- Who? - Who?!
Heather, my nemesis!
- Call her. - Why?
'Cause you're sitting there drooling and pathetic...
and I know somewhere inside's my cool brother...
and I'm not gonna get him back unless you call her.
Look, I'm not calling her.
I sat there all night and didn't say anything.
What could I say now?
Take her to a movie.
There you're supposed to sit and not say anything.
A movie's perfect for your current skill level.
Why do you want me to call her?
I'm told love is Worth it.
Aren't you going to invite me...
to have tea with you?
Morgan, I want you to know something.
No matter how old I get...
I'm always gonna be your big brother.
Sugar?
And even if I ever... which I won't...
get interested in girls...
Milk?
And it seems like I don't care...
about you anymore...
Ketchup?
I still always want you...
to invite me to have tea with you.
Morgan, honey, put your tea set away...
and brush your teeth.
It's time to go to bed.
Do I have to?
You're asking me?
How about if we just stay up...
and finish our tea?
You volunteering to put your sister to bed?
Yeah, I guess I am.
Why?
'Cause I don't understand anything...
about my entire life.
Yeah, thanks.
Two days in a row.
She just doesn't learn.
Evelyn, I hope I'm not being forward...
but instead of cafeteria lunch...
maybe one evening we could have dinner together?
Of course, George.
I'd love it.
Good.
I'm quite the cook, you know?
Really?
Oh, yes. Just the other night...
I prepared a lovely salad nicoise...
for my sister, but she, uh...
had to cancel at the last moment.
Confused, Mr. Matthews?
Yes, I am, sir.
As it should be