(theme music playing)
NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world
of what he believes to be reality.
But... there is,
unseen by most, an underworld.
A place that is just as real
but not as brightly lit.
A dark side.
(applause)
(laughter)
Say... say, Ollie...
(laughter)
...what does this remind you of?
Oliver Hardy.
(murmuring)
(laughter, applause)
I haven't the faintest idea.
What on earth could that possibly remind me of?
(inaudible whisper)
(as Laurel): Reminds me of Thursday.
(laughter)
How could that remind you of Thursday?
(as Laurel): It's simple.
There's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
Thursday.
(laughter, applause)
Gee...
you... you know, when I was a kid,
I used to practice the violin
while the other kids practiced playing football.
But it really paid off, because today,
I can kick a violin further than anybody.
(laughter, applause)
Hey, uh, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Yes. (chuckles)
I'm not a bad man; I'm just a very bad wizard.
(chuckles) Uh...
Tin Man, hey, uh, you want a heart?
You don't know how lucky you are not to have one.
Hearts will never become practical
until they're made unbreakable.
Yes, and remember, Tin Man,
it isn't how much, uh...
you love, but how much you are loved by others.
And I certainly love you, each and every one of you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night.
(applause)
Just don't tell me how to work my act.
I got to say what I got to say.
When I see boring, I say it.
The act's boring.
Boring?
Between the TV, the record and the Vegas dates,
I've earned more with that act than you could pull
out of this toilet in ten years.
That's how old the act is: ten years.
It's the same routine.
Do you know why?
Perfection.
That's what that act is.
Absolute perfection.
Every vocal nuance.
Every move, every gesture.
Hey, that's why this audience
keeps coming back to see me time and time again.
They recognize that.
They appreciate me.
Spiffy,
you're the best in the business.
That's not the point.
The people want to see you do new stuff.
Just don't tell me how to work my act.
Tell me something.
You enjoy reading yesterday's newspaper?
You think they do?
Okay.
I was a little off tonight.
But you know why?
Did you notice that guy in the aloha shirt,
the guy trying to blend in with the tourists?
(sucking loudly)
He had eyes like ice cubes.
Telling you, he made my thumbs itch.
What are you talking about?
When I get nervous, my... my thumbs itch.
Just freshen up the act, okay?
Okay, tell you what.
I will if you freshen up the salary.
You know, you're right.
That guy was no tourist, that's for sure.
Hey, Pudgy.
Hey, you know I'm worth it.
The money isn't there, Spiffy.
What can I do?
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can take this club... you can take
this club of yours and...
What do you want? (door slamming)
No one's allowed back here.
Mr. Remo... Uncle wants you.
What for?
Uh...
aren't I a little too old to be digging foxholes?
We have something special in mind for you.
Top secret.
I'm sorry, I, uh, don't do Reagan.
Are you coming, Mr. Remo?
Where?
You'll like it.
Quiet.
Plenty of time to unwind.
(chuckles)
What do you think this is, the movies?
Next thing you know,
you'll be telling me you want to blindfold me.
Or put me in the trunk of your car.
Not the trunk.
The backseat lying down.
Well, better there than in Philadelphia.
W.C. Fields.
It was his epitaph on his tombstone.
You'll be paid, Mr. Remo.
Oh, yeah? How much?
We'll take good care of you.
You have to leave right now,
and you don't say good-bye to anybody.
I suppose, uh, I don't have a choice?
Not really.
Your blindfold or mine?
Mine.
(other-worldly screaming)
What's that?
This way.
(eerie groaning)
(rhythmic, mechanical whirring)
Mr. Remo, I'm Dr. Coe.
You're aware the document you signed commits you
to, uh, secrecy?
Oh, yeah.
That's very good.
Thank you for coming. We desperately need you here.
Oh, yeah? What is this, a lab for jokes?
My, uh, rabbit died?
(laughs)
Please, sit here.
Well, what I'm going to tell you
shouldn't come to that much of a surprise really,
considering how much we know today.
But two months ago, a spaceship landed.
After days of decoding signals and messages,
we finally made communication.
(switch clicks)
And he came out.
Now, in deciphering certain signals from him,
we learned he possesses certain scientific knowledge
far superior than our own.
We call him Hoffgosh.
Hoffgosh?
However,
for all of his superiority,
he's still very childlike in his behavior.
We learned that by imitating his gestures,
he felt most comfortable, and would allow us to converse.
Now, the headset
here is attached to a linguistics computer.
Now, these sounds have been encoded on this compact disc.
No. Wrong.
That's very observant.
(sighs)
As you can see,
Hoffgosh has become
frustrated, moody and very uncooperative with me.
And that's why we called you,
Mr. Remo.
We've seen your tapes.
Your impersonations are-are perfect.
Almost uncanny.
Every nuance, detail.
We feel that through
your talent, you can make him communicate.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me
you want me to tangle with that thing?
Mr. Remo, you'll be protected.
Just like you were protected?
Oh, no, no, no.
Despite what, uh, you-you see here,
no, Hoffgosh is basically friendly to us.
Friends like that-- who needs the mafia?
Mr. Remo,
have you ever heard of fusion power?
What's that?
It's a form of nuclear energy
that's still a mystery to us.
Nobody has ever figured how to make it work.
His ship runs on it.
And now Hoffgosh can just hand us the answers.
Well, I got an answer, too.
No.
We spent years searching for a way to make fusion work.
And now, he can just hand it to us.
Fusion will affect the economic vitality
of our country, our trade balance,
and even the future of the world economy.
Mr. Remo,
we don't have much time.
Hoffgosh is not adapting to our environment.
He must go back.
Please, help us.
Let him have a safe trip,
and tell Uncle I pass.
Oh, uh...
I'm leaving.
Doctor, I want to be alone with him.
Mr. Remo...
Doctor!
What are you gonna do, break my legs?
Kill me 'cause I know too much?
No.
When you were in the army,
certain charges were brought against you.
(sighs) These were dropped.
Where'd you get these?
The case could be reopened.
New evidence can be uncovered.
Where'd you get these?!
Mr. Remo, you could spend years in jail.
Or you could spend some time with our friend in here,
behind the one-way mirror.
Now then, Mr. Remo, are you ready?
Just put this device on which will enable you
to hear him in English,
and he will hear you in Hoffgoshen.
Fine.
Just remember to speak slowly to him.
Hey, listen,
after three weeks of watching those tapes,
I could almost speak Hoffgoshen.
Okay, the body language is vital.
Don't worry about the body language.
You're talking to Spiffy Remo, right?
Well, then, let's see your act, Mr. Remo.
Well, showtime.
Let's go.
Any predictions, Doctor?
He might do it.
(nervous growl)
(hissing)
(growling nervously)
Don't be afraid.
(growling)
Don't be afraid.
I've come to help you.
(growling curiously )
So far so good.
(sustained hissing)
(shrieks) (gasps)
(yelling)
(device beeping)
(Hoffgosh shrieking)
(beeping continues)
You all right? Yeah.
All right, sit down.
(sighing)
What happened to you in there?
You were doing so well.
You lost your concentration, you stood up straight.
I know what I did wrong.
Give me some time.
I'll get him down.
Why can't we communicate anymore?
Please. (groaning)
Please, say something to me.
(groaning)
SCIENTIST: It's just not working.
Not working?
You're wasting our time, I'm taking you back.
Taking me back?
I'm that close!
You've been saying that for too long.
Are you serious?
What do you think, that's Peter Lorre in there
or Jimmy Stewart?
That thing's articulating sounds
that have never been heard on this planet before.
Gentlemen, I'm getting close to it.
It's beginning to trust me.
You can't fool that thing!
You're out, Mr. Remo.
Out?!
Hey, nobody cancels Spiffy Remo. Nobody!
When you go in there with him, you just
seem to lose something, sir.
Lose something?
I can get it down, gentlemen, believe me.
I'm that close to getting it down.
I can! Give me that.
Wait. No waiting!
(hissing)
What's he doing?
(speaking Hoffgoshen)
(both speaking Hoffgoshen)
Yes, this is it!
(applauding)
(mechanical whirring)
(chuckling): Oh!
(crowd cheering, applauding)
Do you hear that?
Do you hear that?!
They love you!
I don't know where you've been the last few months
but the audience still loves you.
Why the sourpuss?
I don't know.
I just lost something.
The act doesn't work for me anymore.
I knew it, I knew it.
(sighing): Okay, give me a couple of weeks.
I'll see what I can do about a raise.
You don't understand, do you, Pudgy?
The sad thing is, you probably never will.
Good night.
(car horn honking)
DRIVER: Hey, what are you doing?!
(tires screeching)
(high-pitched whirring)
(engines roaring)
(roaring grows louder)
(loud roaring)
(whooshing)
(high-pitched mechanical humming)
(humming stops)
(Hoffgosh greeting in Hoffgoshen)
(speaking cheerfully)
(speaking gently and amicably)
NARRATOR: The dark side is always there.
Waiting for us to enter.
Waiting to enter us.
Until next time,
try to enjoy the daylight.