[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
I'M MITCH STOVER, INTERNATIONAL DIRECTOR
OF THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.
WELL, AFTER THE AIR FORCE TERMINATED THE PROJECT BLUE BOOK,
THERE WAS NO FORMAL GROUP DEDICATED TO THE ALIEN AND UFO PHENOMENON.
SO IN SEPTEMBER, 1970,
I FORMED THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,
A PRIVATELY-OWNED AND OPERATED
UFO RESEARCH AND INVESTIGATION ORGANIZATION.
THE C.D.U. RECEIVES OVER 5,000 UFO REPORTS A YEAR.
90% OF THEM ARE MISIDENTIFIED NATURAL PHENOMENON,
MAN-MADE ACTIVITIES, OR CLEVER HOAXES.
10% OF THEM ARE UNEXPLAINED,
AND THAT'S WHERE OUR UFOLOGISTS COME IN.
TYPICALLY THEY WILL HAVE A BACKGROUND IN MATH, SCIENCE, OR PSYCHOLOGY,
AS WELL AS A PROFOUND DESIRE TO VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME
TO INVESTIGATE UFO REPORTS.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[MAN] VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE, SKOT?
WHOO!
COME ON.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?
UH, MY NAME IS SKOT WIMBY,
AND I WAS THE INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE
UNDER VIC VAN SINGE
ON CASE NUMBER CA-163115,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SKYFOREST INCIDENT.
[MAN] OKAY, SO TELL ME ABOUT VIC SINGE.
OH, YEAH, WELL, VIC IS, UM...
HE'S A VERY INTERESTING GUY.
AND, UH, YOU KNOW, HE, UM, WELL...
WE'RE ACTUALLY FRIENDS NOW.
-OOH. -[PHONE BEEPS]
CALL CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.
-[PHONE BEEPS] -[SIRI] CALLING CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.
YES, HI. MY NAME IS SKOT WIMBY,
I'M A TRAINEE WITH YOUR ORGANIZATION.
COULD YOU LOOK UP VIC SINGE, AND-- SINGE.
COULD YOU TELL ME IF HE'S A REGISTERED UFOLOGIST WITH YOU GUYS OR NOT?
HE IS. OKAY, GOOD.
WELL, HAS HE EVER BEEN ARRESTED FOR ANYTHING?
WELL, I'M DOCUMENTING A CASE WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO INVESTIGATE,
AND I ASKED HIM TO PULL OVER SO I COULD GET SOME B-ROLL SHOTS,
AND AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE CAR, HE JUST TOOK OFF!
I, UH, FIRST BECAME AWARE OF MR. SINGE
ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO
WHEN IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT A NEW MEMBER HAD TAKEN THE UFOLOGIST EXAM
FIVE TIMES BEFORE FINALLY PASSING IT.
[MAN] IS THAT UNUSUAL?
IT'S AN OPEN-BOOK EXAM YOU TAKE AT HOME.
OKAY, WELL, IT'S BEEN ALMOST AN HOUR.
UM, I'D BETTER CALL A CAB BEFORE MY BATTERY DIES.
-[CAR HONKS] -OH, WAIT, THERE HE IS!
OKAY, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET TO THE CLIENT'S HOUSE.
BYE, MOM.
[VIC] HI, HONEY, I'M HOME!
[MAN] HOW DID VIC SINGE END UP WITH THE SKYFOREST CASE?
UH, WELL, HE CERTAINLY WASN'T MY FIRST CHOICE FOR THE CASE--
ANY CASE, REALLY.
BUT THE C.D.U. 24-HOUR HOTLINE
RANDOMLY SELECTS FROM A LIST OF INVESTIGATORS
THAT HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE UFO REPORTS AFTER HOURS.
REGRETTABLY...
MR. SINGE WAS ON THAT LIST.
[LINE RINGING]
[VIC] WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
[WOMAN] HI, YES, IS THIS THE UFO HOTLINE?
[VIC] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
IT'S 4:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.
[WOMAN] IT'S BEEN COMING AROUND FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS
-WATCHING ME. -[VIC] WHAT?
[WOMAN] THE THING, THE UFO.
I'M LOOKING AT IT THROUGH MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW.
[VIC] LADY, IF YOU THINK THERE'S A UFO OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW,
WHY AREN'T YOU VIDEOTAPING THE FUCKING THING?
[WOMAN] I DON'T OWN A VIDEO CAMERA.
[VIC] YOU'VE HAD A UFO WATCHING YOU FOR MONTHS,
AN OPPORTUNITY THAT COULD HAVE EARTH-SHATTERING HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE,
AND YOU DON'T OWN A GODDAMN VIDEO CAMERA?
[WOMAN] I DON'T WANT TO VIDEOTAPE THE DAMN THING.
-I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. -[VIC] OH, CHRIST.
[WOMAN] PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.
I'VE TRIED CALLING THE POLICE,
BUT THEY WON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
-[VIC] NO SHIT. -[WOMAN SCOFFS]
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HOTLINE IS THIS?
ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?
[VIC] OH, CHRIST. HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
[WOMAN GASPS] EXCUSE ME?
[VIC] ARE YOU THIN, FAT, WHAT? COME ON.
[WOMAN] WELL, THIN TO AVERAGE, I GUESS. WHY?
[VIC] OH, GOD.
OKAY, FUCK IT. WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[SKOT] OKAY, I GOT IT.
YOU CAN COME BACK AND GET ME NOW.
-[CAR HONKS] -COME ON!
OH, SURPRISE. HE ACTUALLY CAME BACK.
OH, LOOKS GOOD, VIC.
BUT CAN YOU PULL UP JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER?
OH, OH, OH, OH! TOO FAR, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.
OKAY, BACK UP, BACK UP.
[SCOFFS] NEVER MIND.
THIS GUY'S IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK WITH.
HELLO. SKOT WIMBY VIDEO DIARY
FOR THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,
CASE NUMBER CA-163115,
LOCATION-- SKYFOREST, CALIFORNIA.
LEAD UFOLOGIST IS VIC VAN SINGE,
AND I, SKOT WIMBY, WILL BE DOUBLING AS THE UFOLOGIST TRAINEE
SLASH TECH MANAGER.
NOW WE'RE HERE AT THE CLIENT'S HOUSE,
JESSA GWILLIAMS,
WHO-- SHE CLAIMS THAT UFOS HAVE BEEN WATCHING HER
FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS,
-AND WE PLAN TO-- -[CAR HORN HONKS]
OH, OKAY, I GOTTA GO.
I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON. OKAY, BYE.
OH, JESUS. OH, FUCK.
HELLO? MRS. UH-- FUCK, WHAT WAS IT?
-MRS. UH... -[SKOT] GWILLIAMS. JESSA GWILLIAMS.
RIGHT, YEAH. MRS. WILLIAMS? MRS. WILLIAMS?
-HELLO? -[JESSA] IT'S GWILLIAMS.
-MISS GWILLIAMS. -HUH?
[JESSA] MY LAST NAME IS GWILLIAMS WITH A "G"
-AND I'M NOT MARRIED. -OKAY, YEAH.
I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK.
I'M WITH THE C.D.U. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE.
[JESSA] COULD YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SUNGLASSES?
-WHAT? -[JESSA] YOUR SUNGLASSES. I DON'T LIKE THEM.
-CAN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? -IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS?
THERE, HAPPY?
AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT OUT THAT CIGARETTE, TOO.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY? IT'S BEEN A LONG-ASS DRIVE
AND I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A SHIT,
SO EITHER OPEN UP THE GODDAMN DOOR
AND LET ME USE YOUR FUCKING TOILET,
OR I'LL EVISCERATE YOUR LITTLE FLOWER PATCH,
GET IN MY FUCKING CAR, AND LEAVE.
WHAT'LL IT BE?
-[SKOT] VIC, COME ON. -SHUT THE FUCK UP.
-[LOCKS CLICKING] -THAT'S A GIRL.
-YEAH. -HEY, NO, NO. I NEED SOME ID.
I AM THIS CLOSE TO COMMITTING A FUCKING HATE CRIME.
GODDAMMIT.
FUCKING DOESN'T ANYBODY TRUST A FUCKING...
THERE YOU GO.
YEAH. [SNIFFS] ARE YOU FUCKING DRUNK?
-NO. -OKAY, SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED
OUR CLIENT'S A FUCKING LIAR.
-I AM NOT A LIAR. -BULLSHIT.
-GET OUT OF MY WAY. -[SKOT] VIC!
LIKE IT SAYS ON THE CARD-- SINGE, VIC SINGE.
THIS GUY HERE, HE'S, UH...
-WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR NAME? -UH, SKOT.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT. SKOT WIMPY.
HE'S MY MILDLY-AUTISTIC INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE.
[SKOT] WIM-BY. SKOT WIMBY.
-NICE TO MEET YOU. -OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
I'M ABOUT TO LAY A MOUNTAIN OF TOXICITY IN HERE.
SO NOBODY LIGHT A MATCH FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES.
WHEN I'M DONE, I WANT TO SEE ALL
YOUR LITTLE FUCKING EVIDENCE, OKAY, BABE?
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
OH, OKAY.
[SKOT] HERE'S MY ID.
THIS IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. YOU LANDSCAPE THIS YOURSELF?
NOTHING'S GROWN HERE IN A WHILE.
I MEAN, AT LEAST NOT SINCE I FIRST SAW THE... YOU KNOW.
-[SKOT] THE UFO. -YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.
SO THEY WATCH YOU. WHAT ELSE?
WELL, THE LAST TIME I SAW IT, I WAS, UM--
I WAS LOOKING OUT THAT WINDOW
OVER THERE AND IT WAS RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, IS IT THE SAME UFO THAT'S WATCHING YOU EVERY TIME?
YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME ONE.
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
YOU KNOW, IT'S BIG AND IT'S BLACK.
SO'S MY FUCKING COCK. WHAT ELSE?
-I DON'T KNOW. -OKAY, DID YOU SEE THE GODDAMN THING?
YES, I SAW IT. IT HAS, UM, LIKE A--
IT HAS A BLUE LIGHT THAT SORT OF SPINS AROUND THE MIDDLE,
AND IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A HAT.
YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF THOSE BOWLER HATS?
-A FUCKING HAT. -YEAH.
THAT'S THE BEST DESCRIPTION YOUR LIMITED VOCABULARY CAN COME UP WITH?
WOW, YOU GETTING THIS?
WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A PLANE
OR A BLIMP OR A BALLOON
OR ANYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE, YOU JERK.
-WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? -[DEVICE HONKS]
[SKOT] THIS? OH, IT MEASURES UNCOMMON
OR ANOMALOUS ENERGY SIGNATURES.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEWEST INVENTION.
THIS DEVICE CAN DISTINGUISH COMMON FORMS OF ENERGY
FOUND HERE ON EARTH FROM MORE UNCOMMON SIGNATURES
PRODUCED BY THINGS LIKE ATMOSPHERIC IONIZATION,
NEGATIVE MASS, ZERO POINT ENERGY,
AND ANTI-GRAVITY FIELDS--
TYPES OF ENERGY SPECIFICALLY ASSOCIATED WITH UFOS.
I CALL IT THE U-METER.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU CALL IT.
-IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING. -LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
-I HEARD THAT, BITCH. -I WASN'T WHISPERING, ASSHOLE.
-OOH, YOU WANNA GO? -OOH.
-[DEVICE HONKING] -OOH, IT WORKS.
WAIT, WAIT. WHAT DOES THAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
DOES THAT MEAN IT'S BACK? IS THAT WHAT IT MEANS?
[SKOT] NO, NO, THE SIGNAL'S PRETTY WEAK,
BUT I AM DEFINITELY GETTING SOME RESIDUAL ENERGY.
BULLSHIT. IT'S PROBABLY THOSE FUCKING POWER LINES
OR SOME RADIOACTIVE DINOSAUR SHIT.
-WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? -[SKOT] NO, MY DEVICE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE
-BETWEEN-- -YOUR DEVICE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF.
HAS HE EVER SEEN ANY EVIDENCE THAT IMPRESSED HIM?
[SKOT] I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER WORKED WITH HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY? YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD IMPRESS ME?
IF THERE WAS A SPACESHIP RIGHT THE FUCK THERE
WITH LITTLE SPACE ALIENS SELLING SPACE BURGERS AT THE HELM.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD PICTURES OF THIS FUCKING FLYING HAT.
-I DO. -WELL, THEN, WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME DIRT?
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME SOME GODDAMN EVIDENCE?
-[SKOT] VIC! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? -FUCK YOU!
UH, SORRY.
STRICT PROCEDURE, AND A STRONG CODE OF ETHICS
ARE KEYS TO THE SUCCESS OF ANY SCIENTIFIC ORGANIZATION
IN ITS GOAL TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
AND THAT IS WHY I CREATED THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK.
[SKOT] WHILE THE PRIMARY AIM OF INVESTIGATION
IS GATHERING DATA FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH,
THE WELFARE OF THE WITNESS SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY FOR ALL UFOLOGISTS.
REMEMBER, THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT RELY ON YOU FOR ANSWERS.
REFRAIN FROM ANY ACTION OR ATTITUDE
THAT COULD CAUSE A WITNESS CONCERN OR DISTRESS.
VIC.
[VIC] BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK? BULLSHIT.
BULLSH-- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
IF YOU TELL ME THIS IS YOUR FUCKING ALIEN,
I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE GODDAMN MOUTH.
NO, I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT IN THERE.
BULLSHIT. MORE BULLSHIT.
THESE ARE NOT BULLSHIT. I TOOK THEM MYSELF, YOU KNOW.
-STUPID BULLSHIT. -OH, JESUS.
WHAT THE FUCK? GREAT JOB.
YOU CAUGHT SOME BLURRY SPECKS IN THE SKY AND A FUCKING ELEPHANT.
LOOK, I KNOW HOW THIS MUST SOUND,
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
AND WHO THE FUCK USES FILM ANYMORE?
GET A FUCKING DIGITAL. JESUS.
[SKOT] UH, VIC, YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY HARDER
TO DOCTOR FILM PRINTS THAN IT IS DIGITAL PHOTOS.
OH, REALLY? WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU, DICKWAD?
AND HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THIS CABIN?
-IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. -WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,
MY PARENTS LEFT IT TO ME WHEN THEY DIED.
AWW.
AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU NOW?
BOO FUCKING HOO.
DO YOU EVEN HAVE A GODDAMN JOB?
YEAH, AROUND TOWN.
-WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO? -I AM AN ARTIST.
-SO YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED? -NO.
-IS THIS ONE OF YOURS? -YES.
WOW, YOUR SISTER GOT NO ARMS?
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?
-WHAT DO I DO? -YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO.
I VOLUNTEER MY PRECIOUS TIME TO INVESTIGATE BULLSHIT CLAIMS
OF OUT OF WORK NUTJOBS WHO LIVE BY THEMSELVES
IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTFUCK, USA,
SPENDING UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS
TO GET BOOZE AND GET SHITFACED EVERY FUCKING NIGHT
AND HALLUCINATE ABOUT SEEING UFOS, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
-YOU KNOW WHAT? -YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
-SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE. -FUCK.
YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, RIGHT NOW!
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M CONFUSED!
DO YOU WANT TO FUCK ME OR DO YOU WANT TO KICK ME OUT?
-[SKOT] VIC! -GET OUT OF HERE!
[SKOT] OKAY, YOU CAN HIT MY FACE,
BUT NOT THE CAMERA, NOT THE CAMERA! OW!
[VIC] OH, YEAH, YOU'RE FANTASTIC.
GET THAT PIECE OF SHIT CAR,
AND GET OFF MY PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.
OH, YEAH, I'M SURE THE COPS WILL RUSH RIGHT THE FUCK OUT HERE
TO SEE WHAT THE CRAZY, DRUNK UFO LADY WANTS.
WOW, WHAT A MESS.
[SKOT] NICE WORK, VIC.
WAIT FOR IT.
ONE, TWO...
-THREE. -[JENNA] WAIT.
LOOK, I DON'T--
I DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO CALL, OKAY?
AND THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON HERE THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN,
BUT IF YOU STAY LONG ENOUGH I PROMISE YOU YOU WILL SEE SOMETHING.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, WHY DON'T YOU BE A GOOD LITTLE MOUNTAIN MAMA
AND COOK US UP SOME VITTLES?
[SKOT] OKAY, SO THESE ARE THE PICTURES THAT JESSA TOOK.
VIC FLIPPED THROUGH THEM PRETTY QUICKLY EARLIER,
SO I WANTED TO GET A BETTER DOCUMENTATION OF ALL OF THEM.
UM, ALL RIGHT, SO YOU CAN SEE HERE,
THIS IS THE HAT-SHAPED UFO, AS JESSA DESCRIBES IT,
THAT HAS BEEN WATCHING HER FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS.
VERY INTERESTING, AND THEY'RE QUITE CLEAR, TOO. THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
BUT IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL EXACTLY WHAT THE OBJECT IS.
AND WITHOUT ANY REAL DATA, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO BE ABLE TO ASSESS SIZE OR DISTANCE.
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
VIC SEEMS LIKE HE'S ALREADY GOT HIS MIND MADE UP ABOUT THIS CASE,
BUT I'D AT LEAST LIKE TO STICK AROUND TILL TONIGHT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE SAYS SOMETHING TO GET US KICKED OUT.
HMM.
VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I NEED YOU OVER BY JESSA.
OH, IT'S ANOTHER CHICK WITH NO ARMS.
-NICE TITS, THOUGH. -[JESSA] VERY FUNNY.
[SKOT] VIC, PLEASE, IF YOU GO OVER THERE,
WE CAN ACTUALLY START.
OOH, A LOOK INTO A CRAZY WOMAN'S MIND.
[JESSA] COME ON, THAT'S MY SKETCHBOOK,
AND I DON'T WANT YOUR GREASY FINGERS ALL OVER IT.
-WHAT'S THIS? -DO YOU MIND?
-[SKOT] OKAY, JESSA. -WHAT? NO.
[SKOT] WE'RE JUST GONNA START.
JUST IGNORE HIM AND HE'LL JOIN US.
SO LET'S JUST START. IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
-SO, GO AHEAD. -OKAY.
SO THE, UM-- THE PICTURES OF THE UFO THAT I SHOWED YOU?
RIGHT, RIGHT, THE FLYING FUCKING HAT.
WHATEVER.
I USUALLY SEE IT OUT OF THESE WINDOWS OVER HERE.
-I SEE IT OVER HERE A LOT. -OVER THERE?
-MM-HMM. -WOW.
DO YOU SEE IT NOW?
-NO. -[VIC LAUGHS]
[SKOT] IS THAT THE SAME DIRECTION WHERE YOU SHOWED US OUTSIDE?
UH, NO, THAT WAS IN THE BACKYARD IN THAT DIRECTION,
BUT I ONLY SAW IT THAT ONE TIME,
AND I ONLY SEE IT THAT CLOSE ONCE.
WHEN WAS YOUR LAST EXPERIENCE IN HERE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW THE UFO?
NO, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FUCKED IN HERE?
[SKOT] VIC, COME ON! JEEZ.
WHAT? IT'S A VALID QUESTION. WE'RE IN THE BEDROOM.
ARE YOU EVEN A LICENSED INVESTIGATOR?
YOU THINK THEY GIVE LICENSES OUT TO INVESTIGATE UFOS?
THE C.D.U. WAS STARTED IN SOME DUDE'S GARAGE, FOR CHRISSAKE.
-WELL, I DON'T KNOW. -LISTEN, IT ALL COMES DOWN TO EVIDENCE,
AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN GIVING US IS ANECDOTAL,
-AND DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. -SO THIS VIC GUY, WOW.
I MEAN, HE PEES EVERYWHERE,
AND EVERY OTHER WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH
IS "BLEEP THIS", AND "BLEEP THAT",
AND "BLEEP YOU".
I GET THE IDEA OF BEING A LITTLE SKEPTICAL,
BUT IT SAYS VERY CLEARLY IN THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK,
THE WITNESS MUST BE ALLOWED
TO RECOUNT EVERYTHING THEY'VE SEEN
WITHOUT INTERRUPTION IN ORDER TO BEST INSURE
THE OPPORTUNITY FOR A FULL ACCOUNT.
BUY, HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
THIS FIELD OF WORK CAN BE REALLY FRUSTRATING.
I MEAN, THE ROSWELL CASE WAS WHAT, 70 YEARS AGO?
AND WHAT PROOF DO WE HAVE TODAY THAT ALIENS ARE REAL?
NADA. 70 YEARS.
MAN, THOUSANDS, IF YOU BELIEVE SOME PEOPLE.
THIS IS MY 13TH CASE IN TWO YEARS,
AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS TURNED UP NOTHING.
ALL OF THEM-- EITHER A HOAX,
MISIDENTIFIED NATURAL PHENOMENON,
OR AN IDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT.
I JUST WISH THAT AT SOME POINT,
ONE OF THESE WILL TURN UP SOMETHING AUTHENTIC.
WELL, I NEED TO GO AND GET SET UP
FOR MY FIRST NIGHT OF INVESTIGATING.
SO WISH ME LUCK.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN OUT HERE A LITTLE WHILE NOW
AND HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN ANYTHING,
JUST THE OCCASIONAL AIRPLANE,
HELICOPTER, OR SOMETIMES EVEN A SATELLITE.
IT'S NICE OUT HERE, THOUGH.
VERY ISOLATED.
I CAN DEFINITELY SEE HOW SOMEONE
MIGHT START IMAGINING THINGS,
WITH OR WITHOUT ALCOHOL.
OH, GOSH, VIC. HE'S ASLEEP.
DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO COME OUT AND INVESTIGATE WITH ME.
HE JUST THINKS JESSA'S A LONELY WOMAN
WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM.
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
FOR THE RECORD, I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN THIS STUFF.
I JOINED THE C.D.U. BECAUSE I REALLY,
REALLY WANT TO SEE A UFO WITH MY OWN EYES,
OR BETTER YET, MEET AN ACTUAL ALIEN.
IF YOU'RE OUT THERE WATCHING,
LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW,
JUST KNOW THAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET YOU,
AND THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID.
OKAY.
WELL...
YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.
[SKOT WHISTLING]
SO I JUST HEARD JESSA SCREAM.
I THINK.
I GUESS I HAVE TO--
YEAH, I'LL GO CHECK IT OUT.
GETTING SOME WEIRD INTERFERENCE.
-[BEEPING] -WHOA, WHAT WAS THAT?
JESSA? JESSA, ARE YOU IN HERE?
[BEEPING, STATIC]
VIC, ARE YOU AWAKE?
[VIC] SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I'M TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE!
[SKOT] JESSA'S NOT IN HER ROOM.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?
[VIC] I DON'T KNOW, ON A BOOZE RUN?
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?
[SKOT] WHAT THE-- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
VIC, GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW! SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING UP HERE?
[SKOT] I JUST SAW JESSA!
I SAW-- JESSA WAS FLOATING! JESSA WAS FLOATING!
[VIC] BULLSHIT.
[SKOT] NO! NO, TELL HIM, JESSA. TELL--
[STUTTERING] FOUR... LITTLE... THINGS.
[SKOT] THINGS? WHAT THINGS? WHAT?
-THERE'S CATS. CAT. -[SKOT] CATS?
[VIC] DID SHE SAYS "CATS" OR "HATS"?
THERE'S A CAT-- SOMETHING GRABBED MY ARM,
AND I STARTED RISING UP, AND I FELT LIKE I COULDN'T--
[SKOT] OKAY, WHICH ARM?
UM, MY LEFT ONE, I THINK.
[SKOT] OKAY, CAN YOU PULL YOUR SLEEVE BACK?
WHOA, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?
[VIC] WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PULLING THAT SHIT OUT?
[SKOT] ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST A LIGHT.
I JUST WANT TO CHECK SOMETHING.
NO, NO, NO, NO! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
[SKOT] OKAY, OKAY.
HOW ABOUT IF YOU TAKE IT?
YOU TAKE IT, AND JUST SHINE IT ON YOUR ARM
WHERE YOU THINK THEY GRABBED YOU.
[RADIO STATIC]
OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?
[SKOT] FINGERPRINTS.
SO THEY WERE IN HERE. THEY WERE--
THEY WERE IN HERE.
[VIC] THEY WERE A NIGHTMARE,
JUST LIKE THE ONE I'M GONNA HAVE
AFTER SEEING YOU WITHOUT MAKEUP.
SHUT UP, VIC.
WAIT, ARE YOU--
[SKOT] VIC, SERIOUSLY?
WHAT? I SLEEP NAKED. WHO GIVES A FUCK?
-[FARTS] -[SKOT] UGH!
OKAY, SORRY IF I'M A LITTLE JUMPY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
I'M JUST TRYING TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND WHAT I JUST SAW.
I AM PRETTY CERTAIN THAT I JUST WALKED IN
ON JESSA BEING ABDUCTED.
SHE ALSO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT--
ABOUT SEEING THESE CATS, LIKE, FOUR CATS.
BUT I DON'T KNOW, 'CAUSE I'VE READ THAT ALIENS
CAN REPLACE THE IMAGE OF WHAT PEOPLE
ARE SEEING WHEN THEY ABDUCT THEM.
SO, OWLS ARE THE MOST COMMON IMAGERY,
BUT JESSA SAID THAT SHE SAW...
CATS.
CREEPY.
I-- OH, GOSH, I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING
THAT I'M BEING WATCHED.
AND NOT JUST FROM ONE DIRECTION,
BUT FROM EVERYWHERE.
ANYWAY, I THINK THERE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SOMETHING
TO THIS CASE AFTER ALL,
AND IT'S ONLY THE FIRST NIGHT.
WELL, GOSH, IT'S LATE.
I SHOULD REALLY TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO AFTER THAT, THOUGH.
SO VIC WANTS TO LEAVE. HE THINKS JESSA'S CRAZY.
I GET IT, BUT HE DIDN'T SEE WHAT I SAW LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, NO. WE CAN'T GO, NOT YET.
I MEAN, BECAUSE SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING ON HERE.
I MEAN, THESE ALIENS, THEY WOULDN'T JUST SHOW UP ON CUE
LIKE THIS IS SOME MOVIE OR TV SHOW.
WE NEED TO BE PATIENT.
AND JESSA EVEN PROMISED-- NOT SAID, BUT PROMISED
THAT IF WE WAIT LONG ENOUGH,
WE'LL DEFINITELY SEE SOMETHING.
AND I ALREADY HAVE IN ONE NIGHT!
SO I THINK IF VIC JUST WAITS A LITTLE MORE,
THEN HE'LL SEE SOMETHING, TOO,
AND IT'LL CHANGE EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
I'M GONNA GO SEE IF I CAN'T CONVINCE HIM TO STAY
JUST A LITTLE LONGER.
OKAY, OKAY, SO...
SO VIC SAID HE'D STAY FOR ONE MORE DAY.
SO I JUST HAD TO AGREE TO VIDEOTAPE THESE REHEARSALS
FOR AN AIR GUITAR CONTEST THAT HE'S COMPETING IN NEXT MONTH,
WHATEVER THAT IS.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[GUNSHOT]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[SKOT] WHAT?
-[GUNSHOT] -OH, FUCK. COME ON.
[SKOT] WHAT IS THAT?
[GUNSHOT]
[JESSA] YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU ASSHOLES!
[SKOT] OH, MY GOSH.
[VIC] YO, PSYCHO-HOLIC, WHAT THE--
-[GUNSHOT] -WHOA!
-OH, MY GOSH! -SHIT. SORRY.
[VIC] YOU ALMOST SHOT ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
I SAW THEM AGAIN RIGHT OVER THERE.
FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS!
COME ON, LET'S FUCKING GET OUT OF HERE.
[SKOT] I'M FINE, VIC, THANKS.
-[JESSA] PLEASE. -NO WAY, THE CASE IS CLOSED.
I'M FILING IT UNDER "B" FOR "BULLSHIT."
BUT YOU CAN'T GO. YOU CAN'T GO.
I NEED YOU GUYS. I NEED YOU.
NOT TO MENTION THIS--
YOU ALMOST SHOT OFF THE KING OF GENITALIA.
I SAID I WAS SORRY, BUT I SAW THEM!
I SAW THEM! THEY WERE RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE YOU DID AND MAYBE YOU DIDN'T,
BUT NO WONDER NOBODY BELIEVES YOU.
YOU COMPLETELY DISCREDIT YOURSELF, YOU DRUNKEN WHORE.
HEY! HEY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE!
NO IDEA! IF I DIDN'T DO SOMETHING--
IF I DIDN'T DO SOMETHING TO NUMB MYSELF,
I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF BY NOW.
-NAH, TOO EASY. -NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T YOU GET IT?
THEY WANT YOU GUYS TO LEAVE.
THEY WANT YOU TO LEAVE SO THAT THEY CAN TAKE ME.
HAVE A NICE TRIP. DRIVE.
[SKOT] THANKS FOR THE SANDWICHES, MISS GWILLIAMS.
[VIC] HA, HA, HA! LOOK AT THAT SHIT.
-[SKOT] VIC, COME ON. -[VIC] TOODLEOO!
[HORN HONKS]
[SKOT] WOW, THAT'S JUST KIND OF SAD.
[VIC] SHUT THE FUCK UP.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[SKOT] YEAH, IT'S ON, BUT WHY DON'T YOU
-JUST LET ME SHOOT-- -[VIC] I GOT IT, COME ON.
-[SKOT] WHERE IS IT? I DON'T SEE IT. -[VIC] RIGHT THERE.
IT WAS KIND OF MOVING IN AND OUT OF THE CLOUDS.
I SWEAR TO CHRIST, IT WAS FOLLOWING US.
[SKOT] OH, WOW, I SEE IT.
[VIC] FUCK ME IF IT DOES KINDA LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN HAT.
[SKOT] VIC, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE RECORDING?
IS THE RED LIGHT ON?
[VIC] YEAH, BUT-- SON OF A--
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FOCUS ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT?
[SKOT] NO! IT'S ON MANUAL! HERE, LET ME.
-[VIC] HURRY UP, FOCUS IT! -[SKOT] WHOA!
-[RUMBLING] -[VIC] JESUS!
[CAR DOORS SLAM]
-VIC, DID WE JUST-- -YEAH, I THINK WE JUST FUCKING DID.
[BOTH LAUGHING, CHEERING]
I GUESS THIS MEANS WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO JESSA'S.
THE RED LIGHT'S ON.
WHAT THE FUCK? GOD DAMN.
NOTE TO SKOT,
NEXT TIME I WANT MY OWN FUCKING CAMERA
THAT I CAN JUST POINT AND SHOOT.
NONE OF THIS MANUAL FOCUS AND IRIS SHIT. GOT IT?
[SKOT] THIS CAMERA ISN'T THAT HARD TO USE.
FUCK YOU.
-[VIC] HELLO! ANYBODY HOME? -[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
ALCOHOL DELIVERY MAN.
FREE XANAX SAMPLES!
OOH.
[SKOT] OH, VIC, VIC, I REALLY DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD BE SNEAKING IN THE HOUSE OF A DRUNK WOMAN
WHO HAD A GUN THE LAST TIME WE SAW HER.
STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY.
SHE'S PROBABLY PASSED OUT SOMEWHERE.
JEEZ.
GOT A LITTLE WHINY BABY ON OUR HANDS.
OOH. YEAH.
AHH!
WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?
OH, JUST LIKE I SAID.
SHE GOT A NICE ASS.
[SKOT] VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[VIC] SHUT THE FUCK UP.
IS IT STILL CONSIDERED RAPE IF I YELL "SURPRISE"?
[SKOT] VIC.
-STOP, STOP, STOP. -SHUT THE FUCK UP.
YOU'RE RECORDING, RIGHT, BABY?
[SKOT] YEAH, BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK WE SHOULD--
-[IMITATING LOUD ROCK MUSIC] -[JESSA SCREAMING]
-OH, JESUS! -NO! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!
CALM THE FUCK DOWN! JESUS!
-CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN. -GO AWAY, GO AWAY!
-STOP IT, GODDAMMIT! -[JESSA SCREAMING]
STOP, STOP.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
JESUS.
-YEAH. -IT'S YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS LEFT.
YEAH, AND LIKE JESUS, WE CAME BACK. FUCK.
[SKOT] HEY, JESSA.
WHY? YOU MISS MAKING FUN OF ME?
NO, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT ON THE PHONE.
WE CAME BACK BECAUSE WE SAW YOUR U.F.F.H.
MY WHAT?
UNIDENTIFIED FUCKING FLYING HAT.
WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SAYING I BELIEVE YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH.
-YOU SAW IT? -YEAH.
YOU SAW IT? IT'S REAL?
IT'S REAL? OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OUR FUCKING SELVES.
I NEED A BEER.
GET THIS.
WE'RE HEADING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,
AND VIC AND I HAD A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE FIRST KIND.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
AFTER TWO YEARS OF DOING THIS,
I FINALLY SAW MY VERY FIRST UFO.
THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS I LET VIC RUN THE CAMERA.
HE SCREWED-- IT DOESN'T MATTER,
IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT I SAW.
I MEAN, I KNOW THE TRUTH NOW.
WE'RE NOT ALONE.
WOW. OH, AND THE REALLY GOOD NEWS
IS VIC IS TOTALLY IN ON THIS CASE NOW.
ONE LAST THOUGHT.
HAVING THE ANSWER TO ONE OF HUMANITY'S GREATEST QUESTIONS
IS ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY,
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW.
MAYBE THEY'LL COME AND VISIT ME NOW.
MAYBE EVEN ABDUCT ME.
FINGERS CROSSED.
JULY 14TH WAS THE FIRST TIME
I BECAME AWARE OF THE SKYFOREST CASE.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE MORNING OF JULY 15TH--
VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING.
I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW MR. SINGE
GOT AHOLD OF MY PRIVATE HOME PHONE NUMBER.
YEAH, SHE WENT ON A DRUNKEN RAGE,
STARTED SHOOTING AT THE SKY AND SHIT,
SO I GOT THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE.
-[SKOT] OH, JEEZ. -AND THAT'S WHEN
I SAW THE UFO ON HIGHWAY 18.
[MITCH] WAIT, WHAT IS THIS, A JOKE?
NO IT'S NOT A FUCKING JOKE.
BOTH SKOT AND I SAW THE GODDAMN THING.
[MITCH] OKAY, WELL-- WELL, LISTEN, CAN THIS WAIT UNTIL MORNING?
NO, I NEED EQUIPMENT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
[MITCH] UH, WHAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT?
UH, WELL, FOR STARTERS,
I'D LIKE TO CANVAS THIS WHOLE FUCKING TOWN
WITH AN ARMY OF CAMERAS THAT RUN ALL DAY AND NIGHT.
[MITCH CHUCKLES] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
JUST HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, SON.
WHAT?
[MITCH] THIS IS A PRIVATE ORGANIZATION.
WE DON'T THE FINANCIAL RESOURCES FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
[VIC] ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON YOUR GODDAMN ORGANIZATION EVEN FUCKING STARTED!
[MITCH] WELL, YEAH, YEAH, BUT-- OKAY, FINE, LISTEN,
WHY DON'T YOU SEND ME A VIDEO OF THE UFO YOU CAPTURED.
THEN WE CAN TAKE IT FROM THERE, OKAY?
OF COURSE YOU'D FUCKING ASK ME THAT.
[MITCH] WHAT?
WELL, THE CAMERA FUCKED UP
AND THE FOOTAGE IS OUT OF FOCUS.
[MITCH] HMM. I SEE.
NO, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T FUCKING SEE, ASSHOLE.
-[MITCH] WHAT? -YOU KNOW WHAT?
FUCK THIS, AND FUCK YOU, TOO.
I'LL FINISH THIS INVESTIGATION BY MYSELF.
[MITCH] I APPROVED YOUR INVESTIGATION--
-BON FUCKING VOYAGE! -HELLO? HELLO?
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[MITCH] IN LIGHT OF SUBSEQUENT EVENTS,
I HAVE BEEN GREATLY CRITICIZED BY THE UFO COMMUNITY
FOR FAILING TO PROVIDE MORE SUPPORT FOR MISTER SINGE.
IN MY DEFENSE,
WE RECEIVE HUNDREDS OF REPORTS EACH MONTH OF UFO SIGHTINGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE A PRIVATE ORGANIZATION,
AND SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE THE FUNDS
TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO ALL OF THEM,
ESPECIALLY TO THE ONES THAT DO NOT SUBMIT
CASE ASSESSMENT REPORTS
PRIOR TO THE START OF THEIR INVESTIGATION.
[CRICKETS CHIRP]
[ELECTRONIC SQUEAKING AND WHIRRING]
[NOISES CONTINUE]
[SKOT ON RECORDING] OKAY.
WELL...
YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.
[NOISES CONTINUE]
[SKOT] DANG IT, WHERE DID-- HE WAS JUST HERE.
OH, HEY, VIC.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PEEING OUTSIDE?
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE HOUSE LIKE A CIVILIZED PERSON?
[VIC] THIS WAS CLOSER, DICKWEED.
[SKOT] I GOT YOU THE CAMERA YOU WANTED.
IT'S REAL SIMPLE.
I GOT TO DO ANY FOCUSING OR IRIS SHIT?
[SKOT] NO, BUT YOU DO HAVE TO TURN IT ON.
[VIC] WATCH IT, SMARTASS, OR THE NEXT PLACE
I TAKE A PISS IS GONNA BE ON YOUR FUCKING FACE.
SO I GAVE VIC ONE OF MY SIMPLE CAMERAS TO USE
TO CAPTURE ANY UFO ACTIVITY HE MIGHT COME ACROSS UP HERE.
[VIC] I HAD TO PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON.
HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW IF IT'S ON?
-SKOT! -BUT OF COURSE,
WHAT DOES HE USE IT FOR?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST DIDN'T LIKE IT IN MY ROOM VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SPEAK, IT'S THE VERBAL EQUIVALENT OF VAGINAL FLATULENCE?
[JESSA LAUGHS] THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
OH, MY GOD.
SO...
DO THEY REALLY CALL YOU THE FINGER MASTER?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
I DON'T KNOW. I ASKED YOU.
I'M TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT.
-I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME. -I DO.
BUT I ALSO HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN, LIKE, TWO YEARS.
-NO SHIT? -NO SHIT.
WELL, OKAY, LET'S SEE THE GOODS.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YEAH, WHAT THE FUCK?
YEAH.
OOH, IS THAT THING ON?
NO.
GET OVER HERE.
[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING AND THUMPING]
SO I THINK VIC IS HAVING...
RELATIONS WITH JESSA.
[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]
THAT'S SO UNPROFESSIONAL.
"PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN UFOLOGISTS AND WITNESSES
ARE NOT RECOMMENDED,
AS THEY MAY TAINT THE INVESTIGATION
AND COMPROMISE ITS VALIDITY."
[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]
[BEEPING]
IT'S 4:04 IN THE MORNING,
AND MY U-METER JUST STARTED GOING OFF.
-WHOA! LOOK AT THAT. -[DOGS BARKING]
THAT'S DEFINITELY THE SAME UFO
VIC AND I SAW THREE DAYS AGO.
WHOA!
A LITTLE RED LIGHT JUST SHOT OUT OF IT!
[BEEPING, BARKING CONTINUE]
WEIRD. I FEEL LIKE IT'S WATCHING ME.
WHAT IS THAT? OH, MY GOSH!
OH, I GOTTA TELL VIC! I GOTTA-- OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'VE SEEN THE SAME UFO A SECOND TIME.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!
VIC, GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW. WHAT?
WHAT THE HECK AM I LOOKING AT?
VIC! VIC!
WHAT?
THE FUCK?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
[SKOT] IT CAME OUT OF THE UFO.
GET IT! GET IT, VIC!
[VIC] GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!
FUCK. JESUS.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
[SKOT] I DON'T KNOW.
VIC?
-LOOK AT JESSA. -WHAT?
SHE DIDN'T EVEN WAKE UP. IS SHE OKAY?
HEY, WAKE UP.
YO, SLEEPING UGLY, WAKE THE FUCK UP.
[SKOT] WERE YOU GUYS DRINKING?
-YOO-HOO! -IS SHE ASLEEP OR PASSED OUT?
-WAKE UP. -MAYBE--
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL 911.
NAW, I GOT IT.
OW!
AAH! THE FUCK?
[SKOT] GUYS, GUYS!
OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?
[VIC] IT'S AN ORB.
ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT THEM,
BUT THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN ONE.
THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT 'EM ON "COAST TO COAST" LAST WEEK.
[SKOT] HEY, I HEARD THAT ONE, TOO.
THE GUY SAID THAT THERE WERE TWO KINDS.
-YEAH, BLUE AND RED. -YEP.
BLUE ORBS ARE HOW ALIENS TRAVEL IN ENERGY FORM,
AND RED ORBS ARE LIKE PROBES OR DRONES.
-DRONES? -LIKE WHAT THE MILITARY USES.
REMOTE OBSERVATION DEVICES.
SO THEY ARE WATCHING ME.
WHY? VIC?
WHAT, NO SMARTASS COMMENT THIS TIME?
VIC, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[SKOT] THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME
I'D EVER KNOWN VIC TO BE SPEECHLESS.
I MEAN, NOT EVEN AN F-BOMB.
THAT ACTUALLY KIND OF CREEPED ME OUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
WELL, EXCEPT MAYBE FOR SEEING HIM NAKED...
TWICE.
I DON'T REMEMBER IF I WAS FUCKING SPEECHLESS OR NOT,
BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT THAT'S WHEN THINGS
BECAME REAL FUCKING CLEAR
THAT SOME REAL FUCKING SHIT WAS AFOOT
IN SKY FUCKING FOREST.
THAT'S WHAT I REMEMBER.
YET ANOTHER CRAZY NIGHT.
I JUST HAD A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE FIRST AND SECOND KIND.
OH, MY GOD. SO FIRST,
I SAW JESSA'S UFO AGAIN, YOU KNOW,
THE SAME ONE VIC AND I SAW EARLIER.
AND THEN I RAN DOWNSTAIRS TO TELL VIC ABOUT IT,
AND THERE IT WAS IN HIS ROOM--
A RED ORB.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I COULDN'T COMPREHEND WHAT I WAS SEEING.
IT WAS DEFINITELY OTHERWORLDLY/
AND IT WAS CRAZY, IT MESSED WITH MY CAMERA.
AND I COULD SEE IT, AND FEEL IT,
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, WHOOSH,
IT WAS GONE OUT THE WINDOW.
AND THE WINDOW WAS CLOSED.
ANYWAY, MY U-METER IS GETTING SUCH A WORKOUT.
I MEAN, THE MORE DATA THAT IT COLLECTS,
THE MORE ACCURATE IT GETS.
AND IT IS SUCH A GOOD THING THAT WE ARE HERE,
BECAUSE THOSE ALIENS ARE DEFINITELY
INTERESTED IN JESSA FOR WHATEVER REASON.
IT'S JUST UP TO US TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHY.
OKAY.
SO I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM
AND I RAN INTO JESSA.
SHE'S JUST STANDING IN THE HALLWAY.
HERE, COME HERE.
THERE SHE IS.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN SOME KIND OF TRANCE OR SOMETHING.
JESSA?
ARE YOU OKAY?
JESSA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
[JESSA WHISPERING] DON'T TAKE MY BABY.
-WHAT? -...TAKE MY BABY.
DON'T TAKE MY BABY. DON'T TAKE MY BABY.
JESSA?
-JE- -AAH!
OH, GOD.
YOU SCARED ME.
[SKOT] YOU SCARED ME!
WAIT.
-DID YOU GIVE ME THIS? -WHAT?
-THIS. -IS THAT AN ELEPHANT?
NO, NO, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
[JESSA] HUH.
THINGS APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR
AROUND HERE ALL THE TIME.
[SKOT] WEIRD.
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] -[JESSA YELLS]
[SKOT] JESSA, ARE YOU OKAY?
SOMETHING'S WRONG, VIC. UPSTAIRS.
[VIC] THE FUCK IS IT NOW?
-[GROANING] -[SKOT] OH, MY GOSH.
WHAT THE FUCK? STOP THAT! STOP!
THERE'S SOMETHING BACK THERE.
STOP PICKING AT IT. LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
JESUS CHRIST, YOU FREDDIE KRUEGERED
THE SHIT OUT OF THE BACK OF YOUR EAR.
-WHAT IS IT? -THERE'S SOMETHING UNDER THE SKIN.
-[SKOT] IS IT AN IMPLANT? -A WHAT?
BEFORE WE JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS,
WE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE SOMEBODY TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
YOU HAVE A DOCTOR AROUND HERE?
-YEAH, THERE'S ONE UP-- -[STATIC]
[JESSA] WHAT WAS THAT?
[VIC] HOLY SHIT, TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
[SKOT] THE RADIO BLEW UP.
ROCK AND ROLL.
WHAT WOULD MAKE IT DO THAT?
[MAN] YEAH, THERE'S THE CULPRIT RIGHT THERE.
DEFINITELY A FOREIGN BODY BEHIND THE LEFT EAR.
[JESSA] WHAT IS IT?
NORMALLY, I'D SAY IT'S SOME SHRAPNEL YOU PICKED UP
WHILE WORKING IN THE KITCHEN OR OUT IN THE YARD.
THEN I FOUND THIS IN YOUR FILE.
IT'S AN X-RAY MY DAD TOOK WHEN YOU WERE 10 YEARS OLD.
SAME OBJECT, SAME PLACE.
OH, MY GOD, IT'S BEEN IN THERE ALL THIS TIME?
APPARENTLY, YOUR MOTHER...
BROUGHT YOU IN BECAUSE YOU WERE COMPLAINING
ABOUT A BEE STING BEHIND YOUR LEFT EAR.
HE THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING MORE,
SO HE TOOK AN X-RAY JUST TO BE SURE.
FOUND A PIECE OF METAL BEHIND YOUR LEFT EAR
AND HAD IT REMOVED. ANY OF THAT RING A BELL?
NO, I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT.
[SKOT] WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIECE OF METAL?
UM, DOESN'T SAY. PROBABLY JUST TOSSED IT.
-CAN YOU TAKE THIS ONE OUT? -SURE, I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
-NO. NO, I DON'T WANT TO. -WHY THE FUCK NOT?
THIS COULD BE THE EVIDENCE WE NEED.
I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO.
-SAYS WHO? -EVIDENCE FOR WHAT?
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]s
-WHAT WAS THAT? -LOOK AT THAT.
WELL, EVERYTHING LOOKS KIND OF NORMAL HERE.
YOUR ELECTROLYTES ARE UNUSUALLY LOW.
WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
JESSA, YOU'RE PREGNANT.
[BOTH] WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE ON THE FUCKING PILL?
NO, WELL.
-THINK, MCFLY! ANYBODY HOME? -STOP.
ARE YOU ON THE FUCKING PILL OR NOT?
-CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN. -THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
NOW THIS KIND OF NEWS CAN MAKE FOR SOME TENSE MOMENTS
WITH UNSUSPECTING YOUNG COUPLES.
WE'RE NOT A FUCKING COUPLE.
[SKOT] CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.
FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOU, TOO.
I WANT A SECOND OPINION FROM A REAL DOCTOR.
I CAN ASSURE YOU, SON,
THAT A BLOOD TEST IS 100% ACCURATE.
FUCK ME.
WELL, IF YOU'D HAVE DONE THAT,
THEN SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT THEN, HUH?
HA HA. REAL FUCKING FUNNY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOUR--
YOUR FATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS 16, IN THIS VERY ROOM,
THAT I WAS INFERTILE AND THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.
ACCORDING TO YOUR "HGC" LEVELS,
I'D SAY YOU'RE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 9 AND 12 WEEKS ALONG.
-WHAT? -MM-HMM.
-WEEKS? PLURAL? -THAT'S RIGHT.
SO SINCE SHE AND I JUST STARTED FUCKING A FEW DAYS AGO,
THERE'S NO WAY THIS KID COULD BE MINE, RIGHT?
-NO, THAT DOESN'T-- -UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, NO.
HA HA! I KNEW IT. WOO-HOO!
-YEAH! -PLEASE, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
[SINGING]
VIC, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?
-WHAT? THIS IS GREAT NEWS. -MAYBE FOR YOU.
HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT I WAS PREGNANT?
WELL, YOUR PERIODS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IRREGULAR,
SO IT'S NO WONDER YOU MISSED IT.
NOT TO MENTION ALL THE DRINKING.
I SWEAR TO GOD, VIC, SHUT UP.
WHAT? IT'S A GREAT THING WE CAME IN HERE
OR YOU COULD HAVE HAD A BABY IN THE TOILET OR SOMETHING.
-OH, MY GOD. -WHAT? THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, RIGHT, DOC?
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU
DOWN TO COUNTY AND GET AN ULTRASOUND,
-SO WE CAN GET A MORE ACCURATE-- -NO, NO, NO!
YOU KNOW I HATE HOSPITALS. YOU KNOW THAT.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR TEST SAYS,
I AM NOT PREGNANT.
AND WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP POINTING
THAT GODDAMN THING AT ME?
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
[SKOT] SORRY, JESSA.
[MITCH] MY THOUGHTS ON THE DISCOVERY AT THE HOSPITAL?
WELL, THE X-RAY IS NICE,
BUT THE IMPLANT ITSELF WOULD HAVE BEEN IMMENSELY VALUABLE.
BEYOND THAT, THE ONLY OTHER POSITIVE DISCOVERY,
NOT TO DISHONOR MISS GWILLIAMS IN ANY WAY,
IS THAT THERE WILL BE NO OFFSPRING FROM MISTER SINGE.
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] -[CRICKETS CHIRP]
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?
THANK YOU.
[SKOT] UH, JESSA, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DOCTOR'S?
YES, SKOT, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I JUST-- I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO PROCESS IT.
IF I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE VIDEOTAPING ME
EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE OF MY LIFE,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT YOU.
[SKOT] I'M JUST TRYING TO BE THOROUGH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT, THE PERSON THAT DRIVES RULES THE RADIO.
NOT WHERE I COME FROM.
WELL, WHERE I COME FROM, IT DOES.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHERE YOU COME FROM
OR WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE DO THERE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
-I'M THIS MANY. -UH-HUHR.
OH, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. OH, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.
-WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, FUCK. -OH, CHRIST.
DON'T TELL ME YOU JUST RAN OUT OF FUCKING GAS.
HOW COULD I RUN OUT OF GAS? IT'S YOUR CAR.
-[ENGINE STALLS] -SHIT. SHIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHY ARE WE ON THIS ROAD?
I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE THE ONE FUCKING DRIVING.
NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO MY HOUSE.
WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THIS ROAD.
SHH, LISTEN.
[FART, BELCH]
SHIT, VIC, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THIS ROAD. WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE. YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING,
YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
[ELECTRONIC HUMMING]
-[SKOT] WEIRD. -JESSA? YOU OKAY?
[FINGERS SNAPPING] YOU OKAY?
[JESSA] HEY, JIM.
NO, MY CAR JUST DIED.
-JUST? -YEAH.
I GOT A CALL DESCRIBING THIS CAR IN THIS VERY LOCATION
ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO.
-WHAT? -[SKOT] HOUR AND A HALF?
THEM PESKY ALIENS BOTHERING YOU AGAIN, JESSA?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JIM.
[SKOT] 8:41? THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT RIGHT.
SON, WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA?
[SKOT] OH, THIS CAMERA?
WELL, SEE, I'M WITH THE CIVILIAN--
[COUGHING]
WE'RE INVESTIGATING A POSSIBLE--
-[VIC COUGHING] -WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Y'ALL MAKING A PORNO OR SOMETHING?
-OH, JIM, COME ON. -[SKOT] NO, NO.
-[VIC] I WISH. -YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED YOU ALL
TO EXIT THE VEHICLE RIGHT NOW.
SON, TURN THE CAMERA OFF, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.
-LET'S GO. CAMERA OFF. -JIM.
SO, ONE SECOND JESSA IS FREAKING OUT,
AND THEN THE NEXT THE POLICE OFFICER
IS SHINING HIS LIGHT IN THE CAR.
SO WE LEFT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AT 6:15,
AND JESSA'S HOUSE IS ONLY 20 MINUTES AWAY.
AND IT'S ONE ROAD, SO SOMEHOW SHE GETS LOST?
YOU KNOW I'VE HEARD THAT ALIENS WILL OFTEN
DIRECT PEOPLE OFF INTO A SECLUDED PLACE
WHEN THEY WANT TO ABDUCT THEM.
BUT THEN, GET THIS, IT WAS SUDDENLY 8:41.
6:15 TO 8:41. WE LOST TWO HOURS.
SO I CALLED THE SKYFOREST POLICE DEPARTMENT
TO TRY AND SPEAK TO THE DEPUTY WHO FOUND US.
HE'S NOT RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS.
IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING.
-WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE! -CALM DOWN!
YOU GUYS HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!
-CALM DOWN! -GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[DISTORTED VOICES]
[DISTORTED] WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THIS ROAD. WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE. YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
[DISTORTION INTENSIFIES]
[MAN] SO, IN YOUR WORDS,
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
WELL, AGAIN, I WAS THERE.
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
JESSA WAS ABDUCTED.
IF YOU DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT,
THEN FIRST OF ALL, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
BUT SECOND OF ALL, WE LATER FOUND OUT THE REASON
SHERIFF ROSCOE P. COLTRANE
OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HIS NAME WAS LEFT IN SUCH A HURRY
WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS A SHITLOAD OF POLICE ACTIVITY
GOING DOWN THAT NIGHT ACROSS SEVERAL COUNTIES,
COMPLETELY BACKING UP WHAT HAPPENED TO US,
WHICH I'M SURE YOU WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE,
SO, BILL, BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO.
[BELCHES]
[DISPATCH] UH, WE JUST RECEIVED A CALL FROM CEDAR GLEN.
APPARENTLY AN OFFICER THERE WITNESSED A FLYING OBJECT
OVER THE VICINITY OF SKYFOREST.
[OFFICER] DID YOU SAY, "FLYING OBJECT"?
[DISPATCH] AFFIRMATIVE.
THEY DESCRIBED IT AS BEING DOME-SHAPED, RATHER LARGE,
NO ILLUMINATION, AND IT WAS LAST SEEN
MOVING WEST PARALLEL TO HIGHWAY 18.
[OFFICER] I'M RIGHT THERE. I'LL HAVE A LOOK AROUND.
BE ADVISED, I SEE SOMETHING COMING OVER THE TREES NOW.
-[RADIO STATIC] -WHAT IS THAT THING?
OH, MY G--
[DISPATCH] OFFICER? OFFICER, DO YOU READ?
[OFFICER] MY VEHICLE JUST WENT HAYWIRE ON ME!
[DISPATCH] WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?
[OFFICER] THE HELL IF I KNOW.
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.
[DISPATCH] OKAY, I'M REALLY FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW.
[OFFICER] BETTER CALL EDWARDS, THEN CONTACT ARROWHEAD P.D.
THEIR GUYS SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THIS THING BY NOW.
[ARROWHEAD OFFICER] 25-50, I SEE SOMETHING TO THE SOUTH,
BUT I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.
[DISPATCH] WELL, WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?
[ARROWHEAD OFFICER] IT'S MOVING WEST, STRAIGHT FOR TWIN PEAKS.
[RADIO STATIC]
[TWIN PEAKS OFFICER] YEAH, I SEE SOMETHING APPROACHING.
COULD BE A BLIMP, MAYBE.
OH, HOLD ON. SOMETHING--
THERE'S SOME KIND OF BLUE LIGHT ON THE BOTTOM.
WHOA! HOLY SHINOLA!
THAT THING JUST SHOT UP LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL!
-RIGHT UP INTO THE SKY! -[PHONES RINGING]
[DISPATCH] OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.
"IN THE EVENT OF A WITNESS CLAIMING MISSING TIME,
THE USE OF REGRESSION HYPNOSIS
HAS BECOME A SIGNIFICANT TOOL OF UFOLOGY,
BUT SHOULD ONLY BE CONDUCTED
BY A MEDICALLY-TRAINED PRACTITIONER."
I JUST LEFT A MESSAGE
WITH A HYPNOTIC REGRESSION SPECIALIST,
DOCTOR FELINDA WASCO,
TO SEE IF SHE'LL COME HELP US
TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE ROOF.
[THUMPING]
OH, MY GOSH. OH, MY GOSH.
[THUMPING CONTINUES]
OH, NO.
I THINK IT'S OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
OH, GOD.
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
-[GASPING] -[DOOR CREAKING]
[SKOT GASPING]
[DOOR CREAKS]
OH, MY GOD. OH, NO.
[SKOT GASPING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SKOT SIGHS]
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT AN ALIEN WAS JUST IN MY ROOM,
AND I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY THAT I GOT SCARED.
GOD, I'M SO STUPID.
I HAD A CHANCE TO FINALLY SEE ONE AND--
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I GUESS THE REALIZATION THAT THEY'RE REAL,
THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY REAL
AND WERE RIGHT HERE IN MY ROOM--
OH, GOD, THE THOUGHT OF IT EVEN NOW
JUST FREAKS ME OUT.
I HOPE THEY COME BACK.
I HOPE THEY GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE
AND COME BACK.
SON OF A BITCH!
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU CALLED HER, MAN?
[SKOT] YOU GUYS WERE, YOU KNOW, IN THE BEDROOM.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? DID YOU TELL HER I WAS HERE?
[SKOT] YEAH, I TOLD HER I WAS ASSISTING YOU ON A CASE.
DID SHE SAY ANYTHING?
[SKOT] SHE SEEMED TO KNOW WHO YOU WERE/
AS SOON AS I MENTIONED YOUR NAME,
SHE ASKED FOR THE ADDRESS AND SAID SHE'D BE RIGHT UP.
-FUCK! -[JESSA] WHO IS THAT?
ARE YOU GUYS EXPECTING SOMEONE?
-NO. -WHAT'S GOING ON VIC?
THANKS TO SKOT.
[SKOT] WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU AND I ARE FUCKING, OKAY?
-WHY? -IT'S COMPLICATED.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.
IS THIS WOMAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?
-NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST-- -WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
CALM DOWN.
WELL, IF IT AIN'T HOUDINI HIM SELF!
-HEH. -HEY, FENDY.
AH, SO THIS IS WHERE YOUR HAIRY ASS DISAPPEARED TO.
-YEAH. -HMM.
WELL, I KNOW WE AIN'T EXCLUSIVE YET, HON,
BUT YOU CAN RETURN A DAMN PHONE CALL, CAN'T YOU?
WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A FUCKING CASE.
I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SOME SORRY-ASS CASE.
I AIN'T SOME TOILET YOU DO YOUR BUSINESS IN AND LEAVE.
I DONE GAVE YOU THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT A WOMAN COULD EVER GIVE A MAN.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?
I'M DRIVING, AND THE CAR JUST DIES.
IT JUST DIES, AND THAT'S WHEN I GET REALLY SCARED.
AND WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF, BABY?
THE TAKERS.
-THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL 'EM? -MM-HMM.
SO THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE COME FOR YOU?
UNH-UH. THEY'VE COME FOR ME LOTS OF TIMES.
[VIC FARTS]
[JESSA] I'M PARALYZED. I CAN'T MOVE,
I CAN'T MOVE AND I'M GOING UP.
OH, GOD, I FEEL DIZZY.
THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CLOUDS.
IT'S REALLY BIG, LIKE A HOUSE,
AND THERE'S THIS BRIGHT BLUE LIGHT SHINING UNDERNEATH.
AND THERE'S NO DOOR OR ANYTHING.
IT'S JUST GLOWING, AND I JUST PASS RIGHT THROUGH IT,
I JUST PASS RIGHT THROUGH IT. AND I DON'T-- I DON'T--
GOD, I HATE THIS PLACE. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
-I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. -SO YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE?
MM-HMM, MM-HMM. LOTS OF TIMES.
THEY PUT ME ON A TABLE IN A ROOM
THAT HAS ALL THESE SHELVES
AND THESE, UM, INSTRUMENTS.
[MUTTERING]
-WHAT ARE UP TO NOW, GIRL? -THEY KEEP--
THE LITTLE ONES KEEP TRYING TO TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF,
AND I TELL HIM THAT I DON'T WANT TO.
BUT THEY KEEP TELLING ME TO RELAX,
THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE,
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
OH, SHIT.
THE TALL ONE IS HERE.
HE'S SO TALL HE HAS TO CROUCH DOWN TO GET THROUGH THE DOOR.
IT'S WILLIAM.
-WILLIAM? -MM-HMM.
HE WANTS TO KNOW IF I LIKE THE PICTURE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING--
OH. THE ELEPHANT.
HE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LIKE ELEPHANTS.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD.
SO YOU'VE KNOWN WILLIAM FOR A WHILE?
MM-HMM.
I GUESS I FORGOT, BUT I REMEMBER.
I KNOW HIM.
I'VE KNOWN HIM MY WHOLE LIFE.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE WILLIAM TO ME A LITTLE BIT?
HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE US--
HUMAN... BUT MORE LIKE THEM.
GRAYISH WHITE SKIN,
EYES BLACK.
[SKOT] EARLY STAGE HYBRID.
HE SITS TO MY RIGHT AND TOUCHES MY HEAD
AND LOOKS INTO MY EYES.
I MEAN, HE'S LIKE... RIGHT HERE.
"REPORTS SUGGEST THAT ALIENS HAVE
THE RATHER DISTURBING ABILITY TO CONTROL HUMANS
USING A MIND-SCAN PROCEDURE.
BY LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO AN ABDUCTEE'S EYES,
THE ALIEN JOINS WITH THEIR NEURAL PATHWAY,
MAKING THEM THINK, FEEL, VISUALIZE, REMEMBER,
OR DO WHATEVER THEY WANT."
[FELINDA] ARE YOU FRIGHTENED WHEN HE LOOKS IN YOUR EYES?
AT FIRST, YEAH,
BUT THEN, NO.
HIS EYES ARE SO... DEEP.
WHEN I LOOK IN THEM, I FEEL BETTER.
I'M HERE TO HELP HIM.
I WANT TO HELP HIM.
[FELINDA] DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR WILLIAM?
YES.
HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME.
WAIT.
WAIT, HE'S-- HE'S DOING SOMETHING,
I'M SEEING SOMETHING IN MY HEAD.
SEVEN CHILDREN, DIFFERENT AGES--
THEY ALL LOOK LIKE HIM.
THEY ALL LOOK LIKE ME, TOO. OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, HE'S SHOWING ME OUR CHILDREN.
I'M BEGGING HIM AND I'M BEGGING HIM
NOT TO TAKE MY BABY THIS TIME
AND LET ME KEEP THIS ONE, BUT HE SAYS NO.
HE SAYS, NO, THAT ALL OF THE BABIES BELONG TO HIM
AND SO DO I.
[MOANING]
I CAN FEEL HIM INSIDE ME NOW.
WHOA, IS THIS ASSHOLE FUCKING YOU?
NO, IT'S AN INSTRUMENT.
-HE'S EXAMINING YOU? -UH-HUH.
BUT SOMETHING'S REALLY WRONG.
HE'S USUALLY VERY SWEET, BUT HE'S-- HE'S REALLY UPSET.
HE'S REALLY UPSET. I'VE NEVER FELT THIS FROM HIM BEFORE.
-HE'S JEALOUS. -WHY IS WILLIAM JEALOUS?
OH, MY GOD, HE'S REALLY ANGRY WITH ME.
HE'S REALLY MAD. I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS BEFORE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WE HAVE TO GET OUT. WE HAVE TO GET OUT.
-YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT! -YOU ARE CALMING DOWN.
-I CAN'T, I CAN'T. -MY HAND IS ON YOUR FOREHEAD
AND YOU ARE CALMING DOWN.
NOW WHY IS WILLIAM SO UPSET?
HE DOESN'T WANT ME HAVING SEX WITH VIC ANYMORE.
-HE SAYS IF I DON'T STOP-- -OOH!
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
SAY SAYONARA TO THIS HERE MAGIC PUSSY, ASSHOLE,
BECAUSE THE BEST FRIEND YOUR DICK EVER HAD
HAS CLOSED UP FOR BUSINESS,
YOU CHEATING-ASS SON OF A BITCH!
-FUCK YOU. -DROVE MY ASS UP HERE
FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS,
AND HE'S UP HERE CHEATING...
FUCK OFF.
GET THAT COUNTRY-ASS BITCH OFF MY TABLE!
[SKOT] OKAY.
JESSA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[SNIFFLES]
I'M NOT CRAZY. I'M NOT CRAZY.
"RECALLING ABDUCTION MEMORIES
CAN BE BOTH DANGEROUS AND DIFFICULT,
BECAUSE ABDUCTEES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.
THE PURPOSE IS TO KEEP THE ABDUCTION PROGRAM A SECRET,
AND THIS METHOD HAS BEEN EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL...
FOR THE ALIENS,
BUT OFTEN TRAUMATIC FOR THEIR SUBJECTS."
HEY, JESSA?
CAN YOU TALK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING?
ALONE.
TERRIFIED.
FALLING APART.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THERE WERE GAPS OF TIME MISSING FROM MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE...
I GUESS I JUST LEARNED TO ACCEPT IT.
[SKOT] WHAT WAS THE EARLIEST RECOLLECTION
YOU HAVE OF THEM COMING FOR YOU?
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THEM...
SO MUCH AS THE FEAR...
BEING DEATHLY AFRAID OF THE DARK.
I REMEMBER MONSTERS
COMING TO VISIT MY ROOM AT NIGHT.
BUT MY PARENTS DIDN'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
THEY JUST SAID I HAD AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION.
MY FRIENDS MADE FUN OF ME.
SO I LEARNED NOT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME.
[SKOT] LIKE WHAT?
UM, I WAS 16...
AND I-- I WOKE UP OUT IN THE YARD.
I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS LIKE, FOUR IN THE MORNING
AND ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS WERE LOCKED.
I JUST REMEMBER FEELING SO HOPELESS,
BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD NO ACCEPTABLE EXPLANATION
FOR HOW I GOT THERE.
SO WHEN I FINALLY DID RING THE DOORBELL,
MY MOM ANSWERED THE DOOR,
AND SHE WAS UPSET, OF COURSE.
SHE THOUGHT I HAD SNUCK OUT TO MEET A BOY.
GOD, HOW I WISH THAT WERE TRUE.
SO I TOLD HER I WAS SLEEPWALKING OR SOMETHING,
AND SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, SO I WAS GROUNDED FOR WEEKS.
I GUESS I JUST ACCEPTED IT LIKE IT WAS NORMAL.
BUT I KNEW WHEN I ASKED THE OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL...
THIS WASN'T HAPPENING TO THEM.
THEY WERE SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT PEACEFULLY.
WHY?
WHY DID THEY HAVE TO PICK ME?
WHERE IS ALL THIS DAMN CANDY COMING FROM?
[SKOT] SORRY.
AFTER JESSA'S HYPNOTIC REGRESSION,
SHE MADE ALL THESE SKETCHES.
THESE ARE THINGS THAT SHE BELIEVES
HAVE BEEN HAPPENING TO HER SINCE SHE WAS A KID.
LOOK AT THAT.
IF THEY REALLY ARE HER MEMORIES,
THEN SHE HAS ACTUALLY BEEN INSIDE A UFO.
I WISH THEY'D TAKE ME INTO THEIR SHIP.
IT MUST BE SO COOL.
THERE'S WILLIAM.
DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN-HUMAN HYBRID--
EARLY STAGE, JUDGING BY THE ABNORMALLY LONG LIMBS AND BIZARRE FEATURES.
DON'T THINK I WANT TO MEET THIS GUY.
THE GRAYS ARE VERY CLINICAL, AND THEY HAVE NO EMOTION.
THEY ACT ACCORDING TO A WELL-DEFINED HIERARCHY,
AND THEY'RE CONSIDERED MORE PROFESSIONAL, PREDICTABLE.
THE HYBRIDS, ON THE OTHER HAND,
WE DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT,
BUT WE DO KNOW THEY EXPERIENCE EMOTION
THE WAY THE GRAYS DO NOT.
THEY'VE BEEN KNOWN TO LAUGH, CRY,
APPEAR SAD, ANGRY, HAPPY,
AND SO FORTH-- JEALOUS.
IN ESSENCE, IT'S THEIR VERY HUMANNESS
THAT MAKES THEM UNPREDICTABLE.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION,
ARE THEY THE MONSTERS
OR ARE WE?
[CLATTER]
[VIC] YO, ANY IDEA HOW MUCH LONGER YOU'RE GONNA BE DEPRESSED?
FUCK.
WENT AND GOT YOU A COUPLE THINGS.
GOT YOU A BOOK--
"HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST ALIEN ABDUCTIONS."
RIGHT.
TA-DA!
COME ON, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS AGAINST VIC SINGE'S CODE
TO BUY PINK SHIT.
GIVE ME A SMILE, WOULD YOU?
UNH, UNH! YEAH!
THAT'S MY GIRL.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
[SKOT] I'M JUST TRYING TO DOCUMENT
-WHAT JESSA'S GOING THROUGH. -WELL, DOCUMENT THIS
WITH A LITTLE "FUCK YOU" SAUCE.
[SKOT] NO, WAIT, WAIT. VIC! VIC, WAIT.
I THINK WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER IS AMAZING.
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK I JOINED THE C.D.U.?
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO MEET AN ALIEN FACE TO FACE,
TO KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT THEY EXIST.
I THINK SHE'S LUCKY.
LUCKY?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
THESE ARE NOT THE FRIENDLY LITTLE E.T.'S
YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH AS A KID, SKOT.
THESE ARE MONSTERS.
THESE ARE MONSTERS THAT HAVE BEEN STEALING ME,
STEALING MY BODY AND MOMENTS OF MY LIFE
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO.
AND LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME, THEY'RE USING ME,
MY BODY, LIKE SOME KIND OF GODDAMN INCUBATOR
FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT.
AND I AM BARELY HUMAN ANYMORE.
-YOU THINK I'M LUCKY, SKOT? -[SKOT] I'M SORRY, JESSA.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.
THINK ABOUT IT. USE YOUR BRAIN.
HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN ABOUT ALIENS, HUH?
HOW LONG?
IF THEY WERE REALLY HERE TO HELP US,
THEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW.
[SKOT] YEAH, I GUESS I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
NO, YOU DON'T SEE.
YOU DON'T SEE, SKOT. THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T SEE THAT THEY ARE SNEAKY,
AND THEY ARE SELFISH,
AND THEY ARE USING US TO HELP THEMSELVES.
[SKOT STUTTERS] WAS, UH--
DID YOU DOCUMENT THAT, DUMBASS?
[SKOT] SHUT UP.
I CONSIDER MISS GWILLIAMS
TO BE A VICTIM IN ALL THIS.
WHAT HE DID WAS UNDENIABLY INAPPROPRIATE
AND AGAINST THE CODE OF ETHICS
OUTLINED IN THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK.
[MAN] THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP?
IF YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ANSWER FROM A POSITION OF EMPATHY,
YES, I FIND THE OUTCOME OF THE EVENTS AT SKYFOREST
TO BE TRULY SADDENING.
AND UNLIKELY AS IT MAY SEEM,
IT APPEARS THAT MISTER SINGE
DEVELOPED GENUINE FEELINGS FOR MISS GWILLIAMS.
EVEN MORE UNLIKELY,
SHE DEVELOPED FEELINGS FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE HORRORS
OF WHAT JESSA'S BEEN GOING THROUGH UNTIL NOW.
I THINK IT FINALLY JUST HIT ME
THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER
AND TO US IS REAL,
AND NOT IN SOME MIRACULOUS WAY.
THIS ISN'T A GAME OR A FUN LITTLE ADVENTURE.
A PERSON'S LIFE AND WELL-BEING ARE AT STAKE HERE.
I MEAN, THESE ALIENS ARE USING THIS POOR WOMAN'S BODY
TO GROW BABIES, AND THEN JUST TAKING THEM.
AND EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE BEEN ERASING HER MEMORIES
OF ALL THESE EXPERIENCES,
I THINK STILL SOMEHOW SHE KNOWS.
AND THAT IS WHAT HAS TORTURED HER ALL HER LIFE.
I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT MORE QUALIFIED PEOPLE
SHOULD BE HERE HELPING HER.
YOU KNOW, THE WORLD REALLY NEEDS TO START TAKING THIS STUFF SERIOUSLY
AND PRESSURE THE GOVERNMENT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
TO HELP PROTECT PEOPLE LIKE JESSA.
BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS STUFF,
THE POLICE, THE GOVERNMENT,
AND THEY JUST THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.
OR MAYBE-- MAYBE THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY CAN'T CONTROL
TECHNOLOGICALLY SUPERIOR BEINGS.
[DOGS BARKING]
WHOA. THE DOGS ARE BARKING AGAIN.
[BARKING CONTINUES]
THE DOGS ARE REALLY BARKING.
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE.
[GASPS]
OH, THEY'RE BACK.
OKAY, OKAY, DON'T BE AFRAID.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.
THIS IS ABOUT JESSA.
IF IT'S A GRAY, MAYBE I CAN CONVINCE THEM TO LEAVE HER ALONE.
MAYBE I CAN REASON WITH THEM.
OKAY. HERE GOES.
[BARKING CONTINUES]
-[MOANING] -[BED SQUEAKING]
REALLY?
[SIGHS]
[VIC] YEAH! WHOO!
[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]
-[CLATTER] -[SKOT] WHOA.
WHAT THE HECK?
OH, JEEZ.
WHY AM I DOING THIS ALONE?
HELLO?
WHERE DID YOU GO?
LITTLE BUDDY?
OH, JEEZ.
HELLO?
OH, MY GOD, I JUST SAW IT! I JUST SAW IT!
THERE WAS A FREAKING ALIEN RIGHT THERE!
HOLY MOLY! THIS IS NUTS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M CHASING AFTER
A REAL LIVE EXTRATERRESTRIAL!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHERE'D YOU GO? WHOA. WHAT WAS THAT?
THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS CRAZY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
HELLO?
I GOT YOU NOW.
JEEZ. JERK!
WHAT-- OH, MY GOSH.
WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING?
I HAVE TO GET A SHOT OF THIS GUY.
IT'LL BE HISTORIC.
OKAY, OKAY.
I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.
COME ON, SKOT. DON'T BE A WIMP.
YOU CAN DO IT.
HE'S DEFINITELY IN THERE. HELLO?
UH, CAN YOU COME OUT?
HELLO? I COME IN PEACE.
-DO YOU? -[HISSES]
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHS] OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! WHAT? OH!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
OH, COME ON! DON'T GO.
[SIGHS]
I THINK JESSA'S RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK THESE ALIENS WANT TO BE OUR FRIENDS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS SNEAKING AROUND
OR FLYING OFF WHENEVER THINGS GET INTERESTING.
TO USE VIC'S VERNACULAR,
I THINK THESE ALIENS JUST LIKE FUCKING WITH US.
HERE WE GO.
-RIGHT THERE. -I GOT IT.
READ IT OUT LOUD.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.
"STOLEN BABIES ARE VERY COMMON AMONG FEMALE ABDUCTEES."
FUCK SHIT, FUCK SHIT.
"WITHOUT EXPLANATION, A WOMAN WILL BE PREGNANT ONE DAY
AND NOT PREGNANT THE NEXT-- NO SIGNS OF MISCARRIAGE
OR FETAL ABSORPTION,
NO HEAVY BLEEDING OR DISCHARGE.
THE FETUS IS SIMPLY GONE.
THIS ALMOST ALWAYS HAPPENS
AT THE END OF THE FIRST TRIMESTER,
THE 12TH WEEK OF PREGNANCY."
[SKOT] DIDN'T DOCTOR REUBEN SAY
SHE WAS BETWEEN 9 AND 11 WEEKS?
YEAH, BUT THAT'S A PRETTY WIDE FUCKING MARGIN.
[SKOT] EXACTLY,
WHICH MEANS SHE COULD BE 11 WEEKS ALONG, OR EVEN 12,
AND THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THEY'VE BEEN AROUND SO MUCH LATELY.
SHUT THE FUCK UP. JESSA'S ALREADY HANGING BY A THREAD AS IT IS.
MORE NEWS LIKE THAT, AND SNIP.
FUCK.
-HE'S NOT TAKING MY BABY. -[VIC] WAIT A FUCK.
WHATEVER'S GROWING INSIDE OF YOU
SURE AS SHIT AIN'T YOURS.
IT SURE AS SHIT IS.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH TAKEN FROM ME, VIC.
YOU CAN BE GODDAMN SURE
I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SON OF A BITCH
TAKE ANYTHING FROM ME EVER AGAIN.
[VIC] THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
[SKOT] VIC.
[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, JESSA?
OPEN UP THIS FUCKING DOOR.
-[JESSA] GO AWAY, VIC. -WHAT THE FUCK?
OH, SHIT. WHERE'S THE FUCKING GUN?
[SKOT] I DON'T KNOW.
OPEN UP THIS GODDAMN DOOR!
[SKOT] VIC, VIC! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME ON, PLEASE! JESSA, TALK TO ME!
JESSA! I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING. VIC, WHAT IS SHE DOING?
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT. OPEN THE DOOR, COME ON!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? WHAT THE FUCK?
THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, JESSA? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
I DON'T KNOW.
-CALM DOWN. -I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
YOU'RE OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING CRAZY.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO JUST BEING CRAZY.
CAN I PLEASE GO BACK TO BEING CRAZY?
WAS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?
SKOT AND I, WE'VE SEEN SHIT, TOO, OKAY?
FUCKING LIKE IT OR NOT, WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I CAN'T, I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO IT.
IT'S TOO MUCH AND I CANNOT--
BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT!
IF ANYONE CAN STAND UP TO THIS ALIEN ASSHOLE, IT'S YOU.
HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS,
WHENEVER HE WANTS TO ME,
THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE.
HE'S TAKEN SEVEN BABIES.
SEVEN BABIES AND A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES.
AND I'M SO CONFUSED! I'M SO CONFUSED.
I HAVE THESE FEELINGS FOR HIM,
AND I HAVE THESE FEELINGS FOR YOU,
AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL.
JESSA, I DON'T KNOW IF I--
LOOK, I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE, OKAY?
I MAY HAVE A LONG TIME AGO, BUT--
LOOK, IF YOU'VE GOT FEELINGS FOR ME,
IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF SOME ALIEN MIND TRICK I'VE PULLED.
IT'S BECAUSE OF MY AWESOME FUCKING PERSONALITY
AND MY GIANT HUMAN COCK.
SO, LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO--
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHATEVER'S GROWING INSIDE OF YOU,
THEN FUCK IT.
WE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO STOP THIS ALIEN ASSHOLE FROM TAKING IT, OKAY?
HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YET.
BUT I'M A UFOLOGIST, GODDAMMIT,
AND I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
-[LAUGHING] -WHAT?
-OKAY.
-OKAY? -OKAY.
-ALL RIGHT.
-YEAH. -MMM.
COME ON, MY ANGRY LITTLE UFOLOGIST.
LET'S GO GIVE THIS ASSHOLE SOMETHING
HE CAN REALLY GET JEALOUS ABOUT.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
[SKOT] YOU GUYS THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?
FUCKING'S ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO MASTURBATE OR SOMETHING?
[VIC AND JESSA MOANING]
-[MOANING CONTINUES] -[BED SQUEAKING]
[BELCHES] I THINK I JUST HEARD SOMETHING.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
'COURSE NOT.
WHAT NOW?
OOH, NICE TOUCH, ASSHOLES.
-FUCK! -[ALARM CLOCK BLARES]
-[ALARM STOPS] -REAL FUCKING FUNNY.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE? HEY!
[BELCHES]
WHO THE FUCK'S OUT THERE?
-[DOORKNOB RATTLES] -WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR, DUMBASSES?
HELLO? YOU COMING IN OR WHAT?
OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. IT'S GO TIME.
PEEKABOO!
[BELCHES]
OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES?
[DOOR CREAKING]
CHRIST!
[MAN ON TV] ...MY POWER NOW, CITIZENS OF EARTH.
[VIC] AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING FOLLOW YOU NOW?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ASSHOLES ARE, HUH?
[BELCHES]
FUCK.
SHIT, IT'S COLD OUT HERE.
I THINK MY DICK IS SHRINKING.
[BELCHES]
OKAY, I'M HERE NOW. WHAT THE FUCK?
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND WHIRRING]
WHOO, MY SKIN IS BUZZING!
[LAUGHS]
WHAT THE FUCK?
OH, SHIT. AAH!
WHAT THE FUCK?
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
FUCK!
I THINK I WAS JUST AB-FUCKING-DUCTED.
-WHAT? -YEAH.
ONE SECOND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,
AND THEN BOOM, NEXT THING I KNOW IT'S FUCKING MORNING.
[SKOT] VIC, HOW MANY OF THOSE YOU GONNA DRINK?
YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF.
VIC, STOP. VIC, PLEASE STOP. STOP.
OH.
LOOK AT MY HAND. IT'S SHAKING LIKE CRAZY.
-[SKOT] WHOA. -OH, SHIT.
THERE BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN ANY ASSFUCKERY UP THERE.
-ZOOM IN! -WHAT ARE YOU-- NO, WHAT?
DO YOU SEE ANY MARKS ON MY ASSHOLE?
VIC, I AM NOT FILMING YOUR BUTT.
-LOOK AT MY O-RING! -NO!
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN HERE?
[SKOT] OH, THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, VIC?
[VIC] STAY THE FUCK AWAY!
-WHY? -I DON'T KNOW.
SO, YEAH,
I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM THE CABIN FOR A BIT.
THERE'S BEEN SO MANY STRANGE ENCOUNTERS
OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,
IT'S STARTING TO GET A LITTLE OVERWHELMING.
FIRST THING THIS MORNING, VIC BUSTS INTO MY ROOM,
YELLING, "AAH, I WAS JUST AB-EFFING-DUCTED."
I MEAN, HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT I SAW THE FOOTAGE FROM HIS CAMERA.
IT'S REALLY CRAZY STUFF.
SOMETHING DEFINITELY WENT DOWN LAST NIGHT.
AND TODAY, ANY TIME JESSA GOES NEAR VIC,
HE TOTALLY FREAKS OUT.
HE BASICALLY MADE HER SPEND ALL MORNING OUTSIDE.
I KEEP GOING OVER IT AND OVER IT IN MY HEAD.
WHY WAS VIC ABDUCTED AND NOT ME?
I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S BECAUSE
WILLIAM DOESN'T LIKE VIC AND JESSA...
YOU KNOW.
HE DID SOMETHING TO VIC TO MAKE HIM STOP.
AND, WELL, TONIGHT, VIC AND JESSA
ARE SUPPOSED TO GO ON THIS BIG DATE OR SOMETHING,
ASSUMING VIC WILL EVEN LET HER SIT NEXT TO HIM AT THE SAME TABLE,
BUT I DON'T KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS FEELING
THAT THIS IS ALL LEADING UP TO SOMETHING.
SOMETHING BAD, AND, WELL, I--
I THINK THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE PERSON
WHO CAN HELP US OUT WITH ALL OF THIS.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE
IS TO HEAR WITH MY OWN EARS HOW THEM E.T.'S
SHOVED SOMETHING UP THAT FOOL'S STANK ASS.
[VIC] OKAY, NOW THAT WAS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'M ON A TABLE IN A WHITE ROOM
AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW I GOT HERE.
WHOA!
THERE'S A TALL FUCKING MUTANT COMING IN THROUGH THE DOOR.
IT LOOKS LIKE A BUG.
I THINK IT'S THAT WILLIAM ASSHOLE.
HE'S PISSED.
HE SAYS MY SPERM'S CONTAMINATING HIS BREEDING PRESERVE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHOA, YOU'D BETTER NOT TOUCH MY COCK, ASSHOLE!
[FELINDA] WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE'LL REMOVE MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN
IF I CONTINUE FUCKING JESSA. AND I SAY,
"YOU LOOKING FOR AN UPGRADE THERE, ASSHOLE?
DO YOU GUYS EVEN HAVE A COCK, OR AN ASS FOR THAT MATTER?
HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS SHIT OR PISS ANYWAYS?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WERE YOU DRUNK OR SOMETHING THAT NIGHT?
[VIC BELCHES] UH-HUH. YEAH, I WAS.
LORD, THIS IS A NEW ONE FOR ME.
HE SAYS HE CAN MAKE ME DO ANYTHING HE WANTS.
THEN HE GRABS MY HEAD WITH HIS LONG FUCKING FINGERS
AND LOOKS INTO MY EYES.
I CAN HEAR HIM IN MY HEAD.
HE SAYS, "STAY AWAY FROM JESSA!"
[LAUGHS]
YEAH, NICE TRY THERE, FUCKLESS.
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
-[SHOUTING] -[FELINDA] WHAT HAPPENED?
[VIC] HE'S SQUEEZING MY HEAD!
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE CONTROLLING YOU, AIN'T HE?
I GUESS, AND HE'S ALSO WONDERING
WHY I USE THE WORD "FUCK" SO MUCH.
AND I SAY, "'CAUSE I'M FUCK NORRIS, ASSHOLE!
AND THESE ARE MY TWO NINJA SIDEKICKS, FUCK AND YOU!"
AND I START CHOPPING AWAY AT HIM.
HAI!
OH, SHIT. TWO OF THE LITTLE ONES JUST WALKED IN.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE PISSED OFF AT OLD WILLIE.
I THINK THEY'RE HIS BOSSES.
THEY START SAYING THAT HE'S JEOPARDIZING THE PROGRAM.
THEN WILLIE STARTS--
WILLIE STARTS THROWING A TANTRUM.
HE STARTS BANGING HIS FISTS AGAINST THE CEILING.
JESUS, THIS FUCKER'S NUTS.
OH, SHIT. THE TWO LITTLE ONES ARE COMING OVER TO ME NOW.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE, THEIR LITTLE BALD HEADS GET ME A LITTLE HARD.
THEY LOOK LIKE BOOBIES WITHOUT NIPPLES.
HE IS SUCH A PERVERT.
[VIC] ONE'S GRABBING MY HEAD
AND THE OTHER ONE'S STARING INTO MY EYES.
WILLIE'S LOOKING AT ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.
HE'S TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO REMEMBER.
OH, I'M BACK OUTSIDE.
-WHAT DID HE TELL YOU? -HE TOLD ME-- HE TOLD ME--
[COUGHING]
[SKOT] WHOA, SHOULD WE CALL 911?
NO, HE SAID-- HE SAID HE'S COMING.
-WHEN? -[ELECTRONIC SCREECH]
TONIGHT? WELL, WHEN TONIGHT?
[SKOT] WHO'S COMING?
[MAN ON TV] ...TAKES LONGER TO PRODUCE THAN ANY OTHER MAMMAL,
-ALMOST TWO YEARS. -HELL, NO.
THIS IS GETTING WAY TO FREAKY FOR ME.
AND YOU CAN KEEP THE DAMN TABLE. I'LL GET A NEW ONE.
[SKOT] NO, MISS WASCO. WAIT, WAIT!
JESSA, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH VIC.
VIC? VIC?
THE SON OF A BITCH TRIED TO BRAINWASH ME
-AND KEEP ME AWAY FROM YOU. -OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY, VIC. LOOK AT ME.
[SKOT] WOW.
-WHAT WAS THAT? -[DOGS BARKING]
ARE YOU OKAY?
WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
WHAT?
THAT SON OF A BITCH IS COMING AFTER YOUR FUCKING KID.
[SKOT] WAIT, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
[VIC] LET'S GO.
[SKOT] VIC, WILL YOU TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON?
[VIC] YOU HEARD ME! HE'S COMING FOR THE FUCKING KID!
JUST KEEP THAT CAMERA RUNNING, YOU HEAR ME?
[SKOT] YOU REALLY WERE ABDUCTED!
[VIC] NO, SHIT! GET INSIDE.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!
[JESSA] DO YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE?
[VIC] JUST GET THE FUCKING CAR STARTED.
SKOT, MOVE YOUR ASS. GET BACK THERE.
THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? START THE GODDAMN CAR.
[JESSA] IT WON'T START! IT WON'T START!
[SKOT] COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
[VIC] FELINDA? FELINDA! FUCK! GODDAMMIT.
[SKOT] UH-OH.
- [U-METER BUZZING] -WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- [HORN HONKS] - [SKOT] IT MEANS THEY'RE HERE.
I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.
[VIC] HOLY SHIT.
[SKOT] WHAT? VIC, WHAT DO YOU SEE? IS IT THE UFO?
IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING BLUE ORBS.
[SKOT] ORBS? HOW MANY?
A LOT! COME ON, WE GOTTA GET BACK INSIDE.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR, GUYS, COME ON!
[SKOT] I DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
[JESSA] OH, MY GOD. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[SKOT] OH, MY GOD. VIC, IS THIS AN INVASION?
[VIC] LOOKS LIKE IT. MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! COME ON.
[SKOT] WAIT UP! DON'T LEAVE ME!
[VIC] QUIT CRYING, SKOT. MOVE YOUR ASS.
[SKOT] I AM! I AM!
[VIC] THIS AIN'T A TRAINING EXERCISE.
LOCK EVERYTHING THAT LOCKS!
[JESSA] OH, MY GOD, THIS CAN'T BE REAL.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
-[VIC] SHIT. -[JESSA] VIC.
[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
[JESSA] OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?
[SKOT] THEY'RE ALIENS IN ENERGY FORM.
[VIC] REAL FUCKING FUNNY, ASSHOLE.
[JESSA] OH, JUST GO AWAY! GO AWAY!
[VIC] LOOK AT ALL OF 'EM!
[SKOT] MY GOD! IT IS AN INVASION!
WE'RE FUCKING SURROUNDED.
[SKOT] WHAT DO WE DO? WHERE DO WE GO?
THE BACK DOOR! THE BACK DOOR! IT'S OPEN.
[VIC] NO, JESSA, DON'T GO BACK THERE.
[SKOT] LOOK!
[VIC] HOLY SHIT!
[ALL SHOUTING]
TELL ME YOU GOT THAT ASSHOLE ON CAMERA!
[SKOT] I GOT HIM, ALL RIGHT. VIC, THE DOORKNOB!
[VIC] FUCK OFF, WILLIAM!
GO AWAY! YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS ONE!
JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
-YOU AIN'T GETTING SHIT, ASSHOLE! -LEAVE ME ALONE!
[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE'D IT GO?
THE FUCKING CLOSET.
[SKOT] WHAT'S IN THERE? IS IT HIM?
[VIC] YOU WANT A FUCKING SHOWDOWN, YOU FUCKING FREAK?
YOU GOT ONE!
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, BABY.
[SKOT] VIC, REALLY?
THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S ABOUT TO GET SINGED.
[SKOT] NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING VIC? DON'T, DON'T.
VIC, VIC, HE'S IN THERE.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T. NO, STOP, STOP.
STOP COUNTING. DON'T OPEN--
[ALL SHOUTING]
[VIC] GODDAMN.
GO AWAY, WILLIAM! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY BABY!
[SKOT] VIC, I DROPPED THE CAMERA!
[VIC] I DROPPED THE FUCKING GUN!
-[SKOT] WHAT DO WE DO? -OH, NO, VIC!
HE'S IN MY HEAD. HE'S INSIDE MY HEAD!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[VIC] CAN'T LET HIM LEAVE THIS ROOM!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
[WILLIAM ROARS]
CAN'T HOLD HIM MUCH LONGER!
VIC, GO FOR HIS EYES!
-[VIC SHOUTS] -[WILLIAM ROARS]
[SKOT] WHAT'S HE DOING? WHAT IS THAT?
[VIC] FUCK YOU ALIENS IN THE FUCKING--
[SKOT] VIC, WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
HE LOOKS REALLY PISSED OFF.
[VIC] FUCK. THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
[WILLIAM] FUCK YOU.
[VIC] YOU MOTHERFUCK--
-[SKOT] VIC, NO! -[WILLIAM LAUGHING]
YOU'RE GOING TO START AN INTERGALACTIC WAR!
-DIE! -VIC, STOP! STOP!
WHAT THE-- WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?
-WERE WE JUST ABDUCTED? -I DON'T KNOW.
WELL COME ON, VIC, WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S-- I DON'T OWN A FUCKING WATCH, MAN!
[SKOT] WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND! I DON'T WANT TO BE ABDUCTED!
-I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKEN! -SHUT THE FUCK UP!
DON'T POINT THE GUN AT ME! DON'T POINT THE GUN AT ME!
-SHUT THE FUCK UP! -OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
JESSA! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
[BEEPING]
[SKOT] WAIT A SEC. NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
YOU CAN USE IT. LISTEN.
[BEEPING SPEEDS UP]
THIS WAY, COME ON.
JESSA, WHERE ARE YOU?
-SAY SOMETHING, GODDAMMIT. -JESSA!
YOUR FUCK METER LED US IN THE GODDAMN WRONG DIRECTION.
-[JESSA] VIC! -[SKOT] THAT WAS HER.
JESSA, KEEP YELLING! WHERE ARE YOU?
-[JESSA] VIC, HELP ME! -[SKOT] JESSA?
JESSA? HOLY SHIT.
[SKOT] WHAT? WHAT?
OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THAT!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!
-[JESSA SHOUTING] -GODDAMMIT.
[SKOT] VIC, VIC, WAIT!
VIC, WAIT!
[VIC] KEEP YELLING, JESSA!
-[JESSA] VIC, WHERE ARE YOU? -JESSA!
[JESSA SCREAMING]
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
[SKOT] I DON'T KNOW.
WOW.
VIC? VIC, WHERE ARE YOU?
[VIC] JESSA, KEEP YELLING! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
[SKOT] VIC, WAIT! WAIT!
[VIC] GODDAMMIT!
[SKOT] VIC? OH, MY GOD IS THAT--
[VIC] THEY DIDN'T COME FOR THE FUCKING BABY.
THEY CAME FOR HER.
[SKOT] OH, MY GOD. SHE'S GONE?
[U-METER BEEPING SLOWLY]
[MAN] VIC, DO YOU STAND BY YOUR INVESTIGATIVE PROCEDURE?
JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?
IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY.
I GOT THE REPORT,
I INTERVIEWED THE FUCKING WITNESS.
I LOOKED AT THE FUCKING EVIDENCE,
AND I GATHERED SUPPORTING FUCKING EVIDENCE
AND THEN DEVELOPED A FUCKING CONCLUSION.
THAT'S HOW YOU INVESTIGATE.
[MAN] AND WHAT DID YOU CONCLUDE?
WHAT DID I CONCLUDE?
THAT A FUCKING ALIEN TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAN] SO, VIC, WHY DID YOU BECOME A UFOLOGIST?
BECAUSE UFO SHIT INTERESTS ME.
[MAN] AND HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
YOUR HANDLING OF THE SKYFOREST INCIDENT?
FUCKING STELLAR.
[MAN] DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JESSA GWILLIAMS' DISAPPEARANCE?
NO, ASSHOLE.
[MAN] DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?
YES, ASSHOLE.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAN] SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS,
DO YOU THINK THAT THEY'RE HERE TO HELP US OR HURT US?
WELL, THEY AIN'T FUCKING HERE TO HELP US,
THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE.
THESE ARE REAL SONS OF BITCHES WE'RE DEALING WITH.
THEY COME DOWN HERE, DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT,
AND THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T DO SHIT TO STOP IT.
[MAN] SO, DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNMENT'S
ACTUALLY COVERING UP THE EXISTENCE OF ALIENS?
OH, COME ON. THE GOVERNMENT'S TOO STUPID TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.
THE ONLY CONSPIRACY THEY'RE INVOLVED IN
IS LETTING IDIOTS AND MORONS RUN SHIT.
[MAN] SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S NO WAY
TO STOP THESE ALIENS FROM DOING WHAT THEY'RE DOING?
NO, I'M SAYING IT'S UP TO PRIVATE ORGANIZATIONS
LIKE THE C.D.U. AND UFOLOGISTS LIKE MYSELF
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SHIT.
AND I FOR ONE KNOW THAT THESE FUCKERS ARE REAL,
THEY'RE UP TO NO GOOD, AND GODDAMMIT,
I'M GONNA KEEP INVESTIGATING UNTIL I FIND HER!
I MEAN "THEM",
WHATEVER THE FUCK THESE BASTARDS ARE UP TO.
[MAN] YOU REALLY DID LOVE HER, DIDN'T YOU?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
* FUCK YOU
* YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO FUCK *
* BUT YOU'RE STILL FUCKING KNOCKED MY GIRL UP *
* NOW SHE'S HEAVY WITH YOUR ALIEN CHILD *
* GONNA SEE ME GET UP AND RILED *
* YOU BITCH YOU MISSED GETTING IN TOUCH *
* LISTEN CLOSELY TO ALL YOU JUST HEARD *
* IT'S THE LAST THING YOU'RE BOUND TO HEAR *
* GONNA GET YOU WHEN I FINISH MY BEER *
[ANNOUNCER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FINGER MASTER!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
* SO FUCK YOU
* A FUCKING ALIEN
* TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND
* AND THAT SLIMY PIECE OF SHIT IS GONNA DIE *
* A FUCKING ALIEN
* TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND
* I'VE JUST GOTTA FUCKING
[FARTS]
* ASK MYSELF WHY
* RIGHT BEFORE I FUCKING MAKE HIM FRY *
* YOU GONNA DIE