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This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of Red Dwarf.
Several crew members are being tried for crimes against the Space Corps.
This is gonna sound nuts,
but the whole crew died, including you, and you were resurrected by these microscopic robots.
I've got to find these nanos to corroborate our story, otherwise who will believe our defence?
Meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society. I need your help, man.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, therapy sessions - the works.
I can make you look like a genius.
You can get promoted. You won't have to take exams. Just help me escape.
I have my principles. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You think...
OK, I'll do it.
- You'll have to prove it to me first. - You're on.
- Get me promoted. - The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.
A see-now versión of Holly is loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
Yes!
My captain, sir.
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end?
Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee, maybe go on vacation?
Nearly finished, sir.
It's my very special extra-long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.
You wanted to see me?
I'm concerned over safety procedures, sir.
There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.
Anyone who misrepaired them would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle,
nevertheless, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere.
I propose these new safety procedures, sir.
Did you really do this?
Permissión to look smug, sir.
Permissión granted.
Good work, Rimmer. Great work.
Oh, before I go, sir,
happy wedding anniversary, sir.
I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.
A blueberry muffin...
...like Martha used to make.
Well, thanks, Rimmer. Dismissed.
Sir, just one more thing.
The medical guys think we've run out of this stuff,
but I found some unopened medi crates, sir.
If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours, no questions asked.
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream."
"The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove."
One size fits all.
I could tell from your walk.
Rimmer...
Could you post this for me?
Why, certainly, sir.
- It's addressed to me, sir. - I'm giving a supper for some of the guys.
- I've marked them out for greater things. - And you want me to be the wine waiter?
This report is first rate.
I want you to come to supper.
See you on Friday. Incidentally, it's black tie.
Thai, Chinese - I eat anything, sir.
Though I would prefer it if it wasn't black.
- Could I have mine medium rare, sir? - Just go. Wear what the hell you want.
Get undressed.
Fill this up behind the screen.
Kryten, hi.
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
I've been classified as a woman.
A woman? Why?
Because I haven't got a... penis.
It's a Space Corps directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail.
What's the saying? "If you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing!"
Did you lose it?
I was never issued with one, ma'am. Why would I need one unless I lost both arms
and I needed to write my name in the snow?
So you've never had a steak pie, peas and chips?
I think the phrase is meat and two veg, ma'am.
The only mechanoids to be issued with genitals were created to work on Italian starships.
They acclimatized themselves better
if they could mimic crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day.
Now you're a woman, it's gonna mean some big changes in the way you behave.
I'm only going to be a woman overnight. They want to repair my corrupted files tomorrow -
restore my factory settings!
But your corrupted files are what make you you.
I was diagnosed as being quirky and unstable.
Spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
Quirky?! How could they reach a verdict like that? As for unstable, it makes me so...
- I haven't got the hang of that emotion. - What was it supposed to be?
Ambivalence. I looked like Mr Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
- What are you going to do? - I can't say no. They are my superiors.
- You've got to say no. - I can't. They're better than me.
- I'm not strong enough. - Here's a tip. If you get scared tomorrow,
imagine what they look like on the loo.
- Can you see 'em? - No, I...
Ooh!
- Yes, I can. - Do they still seem better than you?
- Do they still seem superior? - No, ma'am.
Tomorrow, recreate that picture.
- It works for everyone. - Yes! Who are you looking at now?
You, ma'am!
Be upstanding.
Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This is a piece of cake. We're just going through the motions.
Let's get this inquiry underway.
You have refused defence assistance. Is that right?
OK, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows.
We all huddle together and whisper for a while. It looks like we know what we're doing.
We intend to defend ourselves.
See how good that looks?
- Are you familiar with the mind scan? - We are familiar with the mind scan.
You know that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process
making your innermost thoughts available for viewing?
- Yes, sir. - It will involve the administration
of psychotropic drugs which affect your mental state, making this process possible.
- If you accept, say "Aye". - Aye.
Sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
The plan's working, Listy.
Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence - or GROPE for short -
is bang on course.
So that information worked, then? Yes!
The captain couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two giris wrestling in a vat of beans,
then removed the giris and handed him a spoon.
He's never been so pleased. He's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers.
The movers and the shakers?
Removal men and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?
At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval.
Those terrible sneery looks he gave me as he stood on the touchline
watching me captain the school skipping team.
He was never proud of me.
What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception?
Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way up the ziggurat lickety-split.
Don't forget your part of the deal - the override code so I can leg it.
- It's too soon. I'm not an officer yet. - The trial's tomorrow. Without the nanobots,
our defence has more holes than my socks.
Where does that leave me? I'm not helping you escape then losing my insider knowledge.
- I'm not an officer yet. - Whoa! We shook hands on a deal.
Yeah, but you know me.
My handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate.
No escapo, no more info.
Listy, that's not gonna help you.
I've got the confidential files.
Plus I went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these.
- The luck virus. Sexual magnetism. - Positive viruses. Holly told me everything.
Take some of this, it gives you luck. This gives you sexual magnetism. I've already tried some.
Right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first 23 pages of the "Karma Sutra".
You renege on the deal, then, breaking your promise?
You've been a total scum-sucking, two-faced weaselly weasel.
Ah! My entry in "Who's Who?"
You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube.
Sheer luck!
Yes!
You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face charges.
However, I advise that you have your corrupted files repaired,
after which you may go free.
What is your decisión?
NNN...
NNN... Oh, it's no good.
OK, let's all stay calm.
After all, Kryten is merely holding us hostage, which is lovely, isn't it, everyone?
We don't want any trouble. We'll do as you say.
Come on, then. Come with me.
Inside. That's it. All of you. Quick, quick, quick.
Now, I want you to take down your pants and sit on a toilet.
- Oh, my God. He's mad. - Then what are you going to do to us?
I'm going to look at you.
He's totally mad.
Just do what he says.
Lovely!
Now I want you to ask me the question again.
- What question? - Do I want my corrupted files repaired?
Do you want your corrupted files repaired?
NNN...
NNN... No.
I did it! No. No, I don't.
The answer to the question is no.
No doubt about it. I do not want my corrupted files repaired. The answer is no!
You put in any old code, and the luck virus made you pick the right one? That's brilliant!
- I just rubbed the top of the tube. - That's just brilliant!
It's a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.
Is that a new shirt?
No. I've had it a while.
- It's really nice. - Thanks.
- It's really, really nice. Really suits you. - Thanks.
It brings out the brownness in your eyes.
Oh, God, Dave, I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened there.
I think I do.
I had some sexual magnetism virus on this hand,
but the luck virus cured it for me. Thanks, pal
I don't know what got into me.
Well, nothing, sadly.
Hello. I'm the data doctor.
If you would like me to examine your hard disk, press examine.
Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions.
If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press fix.
All line blocks and corrupted personality disks
have now been fixed.
Reboot your mechanoid.
His personality has now been restored to its factory settings.
My name is Kryten.
I am programmed to serve.
Can I be of service?
- Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten. - Certainly, ma'am.
Then you may scrub the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
Are you happy, Kryten?
I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to serve.
Excellent.
I'm gonna be Colin Charisma at the captain's supper with this stuff.
Hi.
And if we approach lightspeed, we have to be aware
we could come across something called future echoes.
Pockets of futurey things.
- From the future. - Fascinating.
What a fascinating man you are, Mr Rimmer.
I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold.
- Let me find out where that coffee is. - Allow me.
Perhaps you could help me, Mr Rimmer?
Certainly. We can talk about my theory on backwards universes.
In a backwards universe, things start to make more sense...
Oh, my God, you are sexy!
So very, very sexy!
- Bravo, bud. What now? - We find Kryten, get to the landing bay
grab a ship and get the hell out of town.
He's on this floor.
Here he is.
Krytie, come on.
Are you addressing me, sir? We've not had the pleasure.
You sound like Noël Coward's elocution teacher!
If you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.
They've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to say no.
Someone's coming!
- We need a better disguise. - We've got one.
What's the point if it's under your normal outfit?
You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?
We're not leaving without him.
I don't care what they've done to him, he's part of the posse.
Hey, I've got a great idea for a new disguise!
What?
The Dibbley family!
Yes!
Ah, there you are.
Any news on the coffee?
Drat! We forgot.
I'll find out right away, sir.
I'll give you a hand, Mr Rimmer.
Sorry to interrupt, sir, but we're searching for the escaped prisoners.
Sorry, we haven't seen 'em. It's just me, my wife here, and my brother.
- Hello. - Hi.
- I don't recollect seeing you guys before. - We don't go out much, looking like this.
What do you guys do?
Computer programmers.
- If you see anything suspicious, call security. - You bet.
Begging your pardon, sirs. I need a mop.
How peculiar. My mop heads are missing.
Don't I know you, sir? Wayne...
Wayne something... Wayne Wibbley.
- Where do I know you from? - No, sir. You're mistaken.
You're mixing me up with some other big-teethed dork.
- Let him speak. Where do you know him from? - Are you crazy?
Where do you know him from?
I feel I'm about to discover something wonderful,
but when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger.
I feel an emotion.
I feel two emotions.
Two different emotions. I feel...
- I feel... - Ambivalence.
I can feel my files corrupting.
They're corrupting...
Oh, yes! That's good.
I'm back and I'm bad - obviously, within certain sensible preset parameters.
Attentionl Reported prisoner sighting on C deck.
Nice one, Hol!
- What's wrong with you? - Doesn't this seem too easy?
Like everything's going for us? Like they want us to escape?
I was just thinking aloud.
No, the luck virus. It's helping us.
A- choo!
Put your kit on.
Here we are. Remembered the coffee at last.
What about the mints?
I'll go.
Would you like to help me, Mr Rimmer?
I've got so much coffee, I don't think I can manage to get any mints until tomorrow.
Well, psychotropic testing should be well underway by now.
- Those results sure are gonna be interesting. - Psychotropic what?
The Lister case is so unusual that I invoked my right to use psychotropic evidence.
The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe,
then the computer feeds in hypothetical scenarios
and their reactions are laid down on tape.
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do.
So that means that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements
that they've entered into, then...
Can you excuse me? I think I've left the iron on.
Hi. What is wrong with me? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion.
No, worse - a first-year nursing student. I've got to get some control back.
- Hi. - Hi.
I never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies.
- Maybe you can share your secret some time. - Yes, sir.
Guys, it's Bob and Madge.
Shoo, guys, shoo. We're trying to escape.
You'll never get past security. Go on!
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
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