>> FROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK,
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
JON STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
I AM JON STEWART.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT BIG NEWS.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE FINAL EPISODE!
AND WHAT A NIGHT, WHAT A BIG,
BIG NIGHT.
A SHORT TIME AGO, THE FIRST
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
WRAPPED UP IN CLEVELAND.
AND I THINK YOU'LL ALL AGREE
WITH ME, IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO...
ARTICULATE.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, EVEN THOUGH
IT IS OUR LAST NIGHT ON THE AIR,
I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY--
>> OOOH!
>> Jon: BUT YET, WE ALL
STILL REMAIN ALIVE.
LAST NIGHT ON THE AIR.
I FEEL SOMEWHAT OF A
RESPONSIBILITY-- NAY, NAY, AN
OBLIGATION-- TO DEVOTE THE
ENTIRETY OF OUR LAST SHOW TO OUR
STANDARD POST-DEBATE FULL TEAM
COVERAGE.
AND SO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STANDING BY TONIGHT, OUTSIDE OF
CLEVELAND'S QUICKEN ARENA, WHERE
THE DEBATES WERE HELD, WE'VE GOT
JESSICA WILLIAMS JOINING US WITH
THE BUSH CAMPAIGN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT HASAN MINHA.
HE'S WITH SCOTT WALKER'S
CAMPAIGN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: JORDAN KLEPPER.
>> TRUMP!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: JORDAN KLEPPER WILL
BE COVERING DONALD TRUMP.
AND I WANT TO ASK YOU GUYS, WHAT
ARE YOUR IMPRESSIONS OF
TONIGHT'S REALLY INTERESTING
DEBATE?
>> OH, MAN!
JON.
I THOUGHT JEB DID WELL!
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> WALKER, ALSO.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE TRUMP TOOK
OUT HIS PENIS.
SO SO LATE IN THE DEBATE.
>> Jon: IT WAS A SURPRISE
TO EVERYBODY.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, OUR COVERAGE IS
A BIT LIMITED.
WE'RE LIMITED TO THE TOP THREE
CANDIDATES DUE TO THE SIZE OF
THE REPUBLICAN FIELD RELATIVE TO
THE SIZE OF OUR CURRENT STABLE
OF CORRESPONDENTS.
SO UNFORTUNATELY--
>> JON, JON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: ASSIF, THANK YOU.
THIS IS AN ENORMOUS-- ASSIF
THANK YOU FOR SPONTANEOUSLY
APPEARING IN CLEVELAND TO HELP
US.
>> I'LL TAKE KASICH.
>> Jon: THANK YOU!
WE'VE GOT FOUR PEOPLE COVERED
NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MY GOD!
AL MADRIGAL.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO COVER?
>> I GET IT, AL YOU'RE LATINO.
COVER CRUZ OR RUBIO.
YOU DISGUST ME, STEWART!
>> Jon: AL, THERE ARE SIX
REMAINING CANDIDATES.
TAKE WHOEVER YOU WANT.
>> I'LL TAKE RUBIO, PLEASE.
>> Jon: AT LEAST WE CAN
COVER FIVE PEOPLE, AND THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JOHN HODGMAN AND LEWIS BLACK,
THE CRBDZOR PITCHING IN TONIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LENDING A
HAND TO OUR COVERAGE.
JOHN HODGMAN, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
RAND PAUL.
AND LEWIS BLACK, CHRIS CHRISTIE.
>> OH, I GET IT.
"LEWIS, YOU'RE AN ANGRY ASSHOLE.
COVER CHRISTIE."
YOU DISGUST ME!
>> Jon: WHAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS AMAZING.
WE WERE ALMOST THERE.
KRISTEN SCHAAL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH.
THIS IS-- I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHING, REALLY DRESSED UP FOR
A DEBATE.
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
>> OH, JON, YOU'RE STILL HERE?
I THOUGHT TREVOR HAD STARTED BY
NOW.
>> Jon: WHAT?
>> I SAID WE'LL MISS YOU!
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, YOU,
TOO.
ALL RIGHT, EIGHTUT OF 10
CANDIDATES.
EIGHT OUT OF 10 CANDIDATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAM, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
THANKS FOR PITCHING IN TONIGHT.
>> NO, JON, THANK YOU, THERE IS
NO ONE ELSE I WOULD FLY TO
CLEVELAND IN AUGUST TO HELP
COVER-- WAIT, I'M SORRY.
WHO'S LEFT?
>> Jon: BEN CARSON OR
HUCKABEE.
>> OH, MY GOD, EWWW!
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, OH, DAMN
IT, NINE OUT OF 10.
DAMN!
SO CLOSE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
GREAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SORRY.
>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU, JON.
THERE'S A LOT OF APPLAUSE HERE
IN CLEVELAND.
THAT'S RIGHT, JON.
TONIGHT, I HEART HUCKABEE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: STEVE, I GOTTA SAY
THIS IS-- FOR ME IT'S VERY
TOUCHING THAT YOU WOULD COME
BACK AFTER 12 YEARS AND DO THIS.
>> I NEVER LEFT, JON.
BECOMING AN INTERNATIONAL
SUPERSTAR IS JUST SOMETHING I
DID WHILE WAITING FOR MY
NASSIGNMENT.
WE'VE ALL JUST BEEN WAITING,
JON, THE WHOLE TIME.
>> Jon: YOU'VE BEEN WAITING
THE WHOAM TIME, THAT CAN'T-- I
CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
>> WE ALL BEEN WAITING A REALLY
LONG TIME, JON.
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF!
I HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO RAISE.
>> AND I HAVE THREE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WAIT A MINUTE.
HAS EVERYONE, HAVE ALL THE
CORRESPONDENTS JUST BEEN-- JUST
BEEN WAITING AROUND LIKE-- IT'S
BEEN 16 AND A HALF YEARS.
THAT CAN'T BE.
WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, VANCE
DEGENERES AND MO ROCCA?
ARE THEY--
>> WE'RE HERE, JON.
>> Jon: THEY COULDN'T BE
HERE--
>> WE'RE HERE, JON.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE
HERE.
>> WE'RE HERE DOWN ON WALL
STREET, JON?
>> WAITING TO DO OUR SIGNATURE
"DOLLARS AND SENSE" COVERAGE.
>> Jon: IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE THAT BIT WAS DONE ON THE
SHOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE
HERE.
TO JUST NOW DO A FINANCIAL
SEGMENT.
>> WELL, APPARENTLY, THERE
WASN'T MUCH FINANCIAL NEWS TO
COVER THIS--
>> THIS PAST DECADE.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW, YOU DO THE BEST-- ADD
TELE!
>> HEY, BUDDY.
>> OH, MAN.
>> DAY, DAVE.
>> I WOULDN'T MISS THIS FOR THE
WORLD.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, JON.
YOU'VE DONE IT.
16 YEARS OF GREAT TV.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, SIR.
>> NEXT STOP, PODCAST.
>> Jon: THIS IS-- THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE.
HOW FAR BACK ARE WE GOING TO GO
WITH THESE REPORTS?
>> OKAY, SO WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
MORE QUESTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE, YES, YOU, THE OLD
GUY.
>> Jon: OH, HEY, MATT
WALSH, DAVE BAKKEDAHL, IT'S ME,
JON STEWART.
YOU'RE ON MY SHOW NOW NOT YOUR
SHOW.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR SHOW.
>> Jon: "VEEP," BEFORE
THAT, YOU WERE CORRESPONDENTS ON
"THE DAILY SHOW" SO I WAS
EXPRESSING HAPPINESS THAT YOU
WERE HERE--
>> AND WE'RE DONE HERE, THANK
YOU.
>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO SAY
ONE MORE THING--
>> HEY, HEY, ASKED AND ANSWERED,
ASSHOLE.
>> YEAH, YOU ( BLEEP ), FACE.
WE'RE DONE HERE!
>> EXCUSE ME, JON, EXCUSE ME.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, THIS IS
AMAZING.
>> I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY BECAUSE
I GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO
TONIGHT.
"THE NIGHTLY SHOW" GOT BUMPED.
( APPLAUSE )
>> GL SORRY ABOUT THAT, LARRY.
>> BLACK SHOWS MATTER, JON.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I APOLOGIZE.
>> WHERE'S JONES?
>> JASON JONES?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR.
HE'S IN GEORGIA FILMING A NEW
SHOW, LARRY.
>> WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HIM.
>> Jon: THAT'S NOT GOING TO
WORK.
>> IT WILL, IF YOU BELIEVE.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WELL, LET ME TRY IT.
LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO HERE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WEIRD.
LET'S SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
LET'S GO TO JASON JONES.
>> THAT ONE.
THANKS, JON.
LET ME JUST SAY I AM SO HAPPY
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SOME
WELL-DESERVED TIME OFF TO WATCH
MY BRAND NEW TELEVISION SHOW
"THE DETOUR" ON TBS.
>> Jon: WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
YOU MUST BE BUSY, I'LL LET YOU
GET BACK.
>> THANKS FOR ASKING, JON, IT IS
A HILARIOUS NEW COMEDY SHOW
COMING SOON ON TBS.
>> Jon: WHAT AN ODDLY
CROSS-PROMOTIONAL MOVE BY--
>> HEY, JON
>> Jon: JOSH GAD! WHAT'S UP.
♪ DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE SHOW,
MAN ♪♪
>> Jon: OH, YOU PLAYED OLAF
THE SNOWMAN IN "FROZEN."
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I DID.
I'M A SHOW BUSINESS GOD, JON.
>> Jon: AMONG
EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS.
>> DISNEY MONEY, BITCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW, WOW.
JON.
THIS IS INTENSE.
SO MANY-- SO MANY OLD FACES.
>> Jon: ROB CORDDRY.
I CANT EVEN BELIEVE YOU'RE BACK
HERE.
COME ON, GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
>> NO, NO.
>> Jon: ROB CORDDRY,
EVERYBODY.
>> I CAN'T-- I'M LIKE-- I'M LIKE
KNOCKED OUT HERE.
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.
IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.
IT'S JUST THAT EVERYBODY HERE,
YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, ROB.
>> YOU-- YOU'RE LIKE THE BROTHER
I NEVER HAD.
>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH,
ROB, EXCEPT I THINK YOU HAVE A
BROTHER.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> NO, NOPE.
I DON'T EYE DON'T THINK YOU'RE
RIGHT RITE ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: I THINK YOU HAVE A
BROTHER, ROB, AND I THINK HIS
NAME IS NATE, AND HE ACTUALLY
WAS A CORRESPONDENT HERE, TOO,
NATE CORDDRY.
>> NO, NATE DOES NOT RING A
BELL.
>> Jon: NO, IT WAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK YOU DO.
>> I'M NATE CORDDRY.
I'M YOUR BROTHER.
>> COME ON, CORDDRY!
COME ON, CORDDRY!
>> COME ON!
>> I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE
CAR!
IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR!
GO!
I AM SORRY, JON.
YOU SHOULD CHECK IN WITH YOUR
OTHER CORRESPONDENTS.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, I'M--
ALL RIGHT,IL-- LET ME-- WAIT,
WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
I'LL CHECK IN WITH ANOTHER
CORRESPONDENT-- LORD VADER?
IS THAT YOU?
>> STEWART.
I AM MORE MACHINE THAN MAN.
TWISTD AND EVIL.
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF
BILL YONS OF SENTIENT BEINGS.
BUT IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION
YOU HAVE BEEN COMPARING ME TO
DICK CHENEY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT SEEMS A BIT HARSH.
>> Jon: I JUST THOUGHT IT
WAS SOMETHING SITH LORDY ABOUT
YOU AND HIM AND I JUST THOUGHT--
>> LET US BE CLEAR, THERE IS THE
DARK SIDE AND THEN WHATEVER HE
CALLED HIS SICK THING.
>> Jon: I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
>> ANGER LEADS TO HATE, AND HATE
LEADS TO SHOOTING YOUR FRIEND IN
THE FACE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: THANK YOU, LORD
VADER.
WOW, THAT WAS-- THAT WAS
INTENSE.
SITH LORD AS A CORRESPONDENT.
YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF SHOOTING,
LET'S GO OVERSEAS TO OUR MIDDLE
EAST CORRESPONDENT BASSEM
YOUSSEF.
BASSEM, ARE YOU THERE.
>> JON, I KNEW THEY WOULD
EVENTUALLY GET TO YOU.
WHO SHUT YOU DOWN, THE WHITE
HOUSE?
THE SECRET POLICE?
THANKS, OBAMA.
>> Jon: NO, NO ONE'S
SHUTTING SHOW DOWN.
I'M LEAVING BECAUSE I WANT TO.
>> WHOA.
THAT'S IT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> WHAT A PUSSY.
>> Jon: OH,.
>> JON, IT'S ME!
>> Jon: MICHAEL CHE?
HEY, WHAT'S UP.
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, IT'S GREAT TO
SEE YOU BUT YOU WERE A
CORRESPONDENT FOR THREE WEEKS.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WARRANTED A
FULL CAMEO.
>> MAYBE SOME OF US LIKE
CHANGING JOBS BEFORE THE ASS
GROOVE IN OUR DESK CHAIR IS OLD
ENOUGH TO VOTE.
>> Jon: I HAVE TO SAY THAT
HURT A LITTLE BIT.
I TRIED TO DO A GOOD THING AND
LET YOU DO SOME BITS FOR US, AND
THEN WE COULD GO THROUGH AND GET
AND GET SOME--
( APPLAUSE )
ACTUALLY, HEY, TREVOR, COULD YOU
GIVE ME, LIKE, 20 MORE MINUTES?
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY.
>> Jon: IT'S GREAT TO SEE
YOU.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU.
>> JUST REAL QUICK IF YOU DON'T
MIND.
>> Jon: OH, SURE.
THANK YOU, BROTHER, I APPRECIATE
IT.
WE'LL DO IT LATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMIND ME, IT'S NOT THE
FIRST TIME THAT THEY'VE HAD TO
RE-TAILOR THE SUITS HERE.
>> YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING
CANCELED, JON.
I HATE TO STAY, BUT I KNEW YOU
WERE GOING TO RUN THIS THING
INTO THE GROUND.
>> Jon: IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU, TOO, GREG.
>> JON!
>> Jon: OLIVIA MUNN!
OLIVIA, HOW ARE YOU?
>> CONGRATULATIONS!
>> Jon: OLIVIA, THANK YOU
SO MUCH.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> OF COURSE,.
>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING ME A
CAKE.
THAT'S LOVELY.
>> OF COURSE, I DID, IT'S YOUR
70th BIRTHDAY.
>> Jon: NOT MY 70th.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT MY
BIRTHDAY, AND I'M NOT 70.
>> WHAT IS IT, LIKE, 75-- NO,
YOU DO NOT LIKE 80!
>> Jon: NO, IT'S NEITHER
ONE OF THESE.
THIS IS LOVELY--
>> WHY ARE YOU ON --
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> COME ON, JON!
I'VE COME TO TAKE YOU OUT OF
HERE, BUDDY HEY, MUNN, WHAT'S
UP, GIRL.
>> Jon: RIGGLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
PUT ME DOWN, RIGGLE.
>> NO WAY, JOSE.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME IF YOU
WANT TO LIVE.
>> Jon: WE'RE HAVING A NICE
CELEBRATION HERE.
THERE'S NO REASON TO GO RAMBO.
>> YOU SWEET, NAIVE, FRAIL, TINY
LITTLE-- YES, DID I SAY FRAIL.
>> Jon: YOU DID SAY FRAIL.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE
TRAIL OF HATE THAT YOU'VE LEFT
BEHIND?
ROLL 212.
>> I'M PAUL BROWN, C.E.O. OF
ARBY'S, BROUGHT TO YOU TONIGHT
BY JON STEWART.
JON STEWART, IT'S LIKE A TV
THREW UP ON YOUR FACE.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, JON, BUT
I WILL BE TRYING.
>> GOOD RIDDANCE, SMART ASS.
>> DON'T GO.
COME BACK.
>> JON, I'LL BEING SARCASTIC.
>> AND JUST WHEN I'M RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
WHAT A BUMMER.
>> SEE YOU, PIP-SQUEAK.
>> WHAT HAS NINE AND A HALF
FINGERS AND WON'T MISS YOU AT
ALL?
THIS GUY.
>> JON, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY.
>> I'M SURE YOU'LL, MISSED BY
SOMEBODY.
>>UN, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS
HAPPENING AROUND THE WORLD THAT
KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT WHICH IS WHY
I'VE RELIED ON YOU TO PUT ME TO
SLEEP.
>> HAVE FUN FEEDING YOUR
RABBITS.
>> I'M JON STEWART.
I'M DUMB, I'M STEWART.
NAH-NAH!
SO LONG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I'M NOT GOING TO
SAY THAT DIDN'T STING A LITTLE
BIT.
>> THAT WAS AWESOME.
>> Jon: ED HELMS!
>> WHAT'S UP, BABY?
>> YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> Jon: IT'S SO GREAT TO
SEE YOU, ED!
♪ AND IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU
♪♪
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
DID LOVE TO SING.
>> I DO.
I LIKE TO SING.
I LIKE TO MAKE MOVIES WITH MY
FRIENDS, AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE
MY REAL PASSION, WHICH IS RUNG
THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN INSTITUTE FOR
MEN HOGET MORE DISTINGUISHED AND
HANDSOME AS THEY AGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
AND ACTUALLY, IT'S KIND OF NICE
THAT YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I'M
GOING TO BE HAVING SOME FREE
TIME.
PERHAPS I COULD STOP BY THE
INSTITUTE.
>> UM--
>> JUST FOR A QUICK VISIT AT
THE--
>> NO.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE
RIGHT--
>> JON!
>> Jon: WHAT THE-- IS THAT?
I KNOW THAT VOICE.
I KNOW THAT VOIGHT VOICE.
IS THAT WYATT?
WYATT, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU, WYATT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, WYATT!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU FOR CRAZY
AAPPLAUSE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: ARE YOU ACROSS THE
STREET?
>> MAYBE.
>> Jon: YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
ARE YOU COMING OVER?
>> I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
I GOT SOME BALLS IN THE AIR.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOOD?
>> YEAH, I'M GOOD.
YOU GOOD?
>> Jon: YEAH, I'M GOOD.
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.
>> I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
MY SOCIAL MEDIA'S PLOAG UP.
>> Jon: I HEAR YOU.
>> HEY, JON!
HEY!
>> Jon: WHAT THE?
>> HEY, JON!
>> Jon: LET'S CHECK IN ONE
LAST TIME AT GUATANAMO BAY WITH
OUR OLD FRIEND, GITMO!
HEY, GITMO!
>> YAY!
YAY!
WHAT A GREAT DAY!
YAY!
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, GITMO.
>> GITMO AND JON STEWART FINALLY
GETTING OUT.
YAY!
HOORAY FOR GITMO.
>> Jon: GITMO, I GOT SOME
NEWS, I'M LEAVING BUT THEY
DIDN'T EVER REALLY CLOSE
GUANTANAMO.
I'M GOING--
>> GITMO...
NOT
LEAVING?
ONLY JON STEWART?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> ( BLEEP )!
AARRGG!
>> Jon: WE'LL GET YOU OUT
OF THERE, GITMO.
WE'LL GET YOU OUT OF THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I HAVE TO SAY, JON, I JUST
HAVE TO SAY, WORKING HERE MEANT
THE WORLD TO ME.
I HAVE SUCH GREAT MEMORIES,
STARTING WITH MY VERY FIRST DAY.
SO LET'S JUST DIVE IN.
>> Jon: SURE.
>> I REMEMBER FOR BREAKFAST
THERE WERE EGG SANDWICHES AND I
CHOSE THE EGG WHITES, BECAUSE
YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN, YOU
KNOW YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN,
BUT ALSO YOU'VE LEAVING YOURSELF
OPEN FOR A SECOND SANDWICH.
SO THAT'S WHY WITH EGG WHITES --
>> Jon: THIS IS ALL
FASCINATING.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PICK UP
THE PACE JUST A SMIDGE.
>> NO, NO, NO, JON, WE CAN'T.
WHEN SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT IT'S
WORTH TAKING THE TIME TO DISCUSS
IT IN DEPTH.
I'M TALKING 15, 18, EVEN 20
MINUTES IF NECESSARY.
OISE OIZ WHAT, ARE YOU DOING.
>> Jon: EVENTUALLY WE HAVE
TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
>> HOLD ON.
WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) IS A
COMMERCIAL?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE TALKING MADNESS, BOY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOW, THIS IS-- THIS
IS-- I HAVE TO SAY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THIS IS AMAZING.
THAT'S IT.
MY THANKS TO EVERYBODY.
OVER ALL THESE YEARS, WHEN YOU
LOOK AT THE TALENT THAT'S PASSED
THROUGH THESE DOORS IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN HARD TO SCREW THIS
SHOW UP.
I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY
WHO LENT THEIR TALENTS TO THIS
PROGRAM.
IT MEANT THE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I UNDERSTAND.
CALM DOWN.
I GET IT.
THANK YOU.
>> JUST A MOMENT!
>> STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
( CHEERS )
>> JUST A MOMENT.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE,
JON?
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY LEAVE WITHOUT
SAYING GOOD-BYE TO YOUR SAM.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WAIT.
WHO'S SAM?
>> I AM, JON.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WHAT AM I DIANE?
WHAT IS THIS "CHEERS"?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> NO, JON, DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE FRODO.
>> Jon: YOU'RE SAYING I'M
FRODO.
WHY AREN'T YOU FRODO.
>> JON, ONE OF US IS ADULT SIZED
SIZEDAND DOESN'T HAVE HAIRY TOE.
>> Jon: POINT TAKEN.
>> JON, LIKE FRODO, YOU ARE
LEAVING US ON A VOYAGE TO THE
UNLYING LAND.
>> Jon: I'M JUST GOING TO
NEW JERSEY.
>> FOR 16 YEARS, YOU AND YOUR
BASIC CABLE FELLOWSHIP OF FUNNY,
THE RING OF POWER AND TRUDGED UP
THE STEEP SLOPES OF MOUNT DOOM.
WHAT'S THE METAPHOR OF RING?
>> SIMPLE, JON, THE RING OF
POWER IS A METAPHOR FOR POWER,
THE POWER TO BE A PLAYER IN THE
WORLD OF MEDIA AND WASHINGTON
POLITICS.
>> Jon: I DON'T REALLY WANT
THAT.
>> JON, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DIDN'T
WANT THAT?
>> Jon: FRODO.
>> YOUR WORDS, JON.
FRODO THOUGHT SIEWRL SAURON
WOULD KNOW THEY MEANT TO DESTROY
THE RING, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL GANDAFF SAID ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO TELL ME THAT, AREN'T YOU-- HE
SAID, AND I'M PARFRAIGZ HERE
EVEN IF I COULD DO IT VERBAITIN
IF I WANTED.
HE SAID, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IT
HAS NOT ENTERED INTO SAURON'S
DARKEST DREAMS THAT WE WOULD
DESTROY THIS HIDEOUS POWER.
AND IN THE METAPHOR HERE, POWER
ALSO STOOD FOR POWER.
>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT I AM SO TOUCHED THAT
EVERYBODY COULD BE HERE TONIGHT.
AND--
>> ME, TOO, JON.
IS THERE A PARTY OR ANYTHING?
BECAUSE I BROUGHT A LOT OF
PEOPLE FROM CBS.
AND I TOLD THEM THAT I KNOW YOU.
>> Jon: YES, THERE IS A
PARTY.
AND YOU CAN GO TO IT STEPHEN
COLBERT, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> ACTUALLY, JON, JON, ACTUALLY, NO, PLEASE SIT DOWN.
ACTUALLY, JON, WE'RE NOT QUITE
DONE.
>> Jon: DON'T DO THIS.
>> JUST A MOMENT, JON.
YOU CAN'T STOP ANYONE BECAUSE
THEY DON'T WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE.
HUGE MISTAKE, JON.
IT WILL BE QUICK IF YOU JUST
HOLD STILL.
JON, I'VE BEEN ASKED AND HAVE
THE PRIVILEGE TO SAY SOMETHING
TO YOU THAT IS NOT ON THE
PROMPTER RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: PLEASE DON'T DO
THIS.
>> HERE'S THE THING JON, YOU
SAID TO ME AND MANY OTHER PEOPLE
TO NEVER THANK YOU BECAUSE WE
OWE YOU NOTHING.
IT IS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I'VE
KNOWN YOU TO BE DEAD WRONG.
WE OWE YOU-- AND NOT JUST WHAT
YOU DID FOR OUR CAREER BY
EMPLOYING US TO COME ON THIS
TREMENDOUS SHOW THAT YOU MADE--
WE OWE YOU BECAUSE WE LEARNED
FROM YOU.
WE LEARNED FROM YOU BY EXAMPLE
HOW TO DO A SHOW WITH INTENTION,
HOW TO WORK WITH CLARITY, HOW TO
TREAT PEOPLE WITH WITH RESPECT.
YOU WERE INFURIATINGLY GOOD AT
YOUR JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OKAY.
ALL OF US, ALL OF US, WHO WERE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YOU--
AND YOU CAN EDIT THIS OUT
LATER-- ALL OF US WHO WERE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YOU FOR 16
YEARS ARE BETTER AT OUR JOBS
BECAUSE WE GOT TO WATCH YOU DO
YOURS.
AND WE ARE BETTER PEOPLE FOR
HAVING KNOWN YOU.
YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST AND A
GOOD MAN.
AND PERSONALLY, I DO NOT KNOW
HOW THIS SON OF A POOR
APPALACHIAN MINER-- I DO NOT
KNOW, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD
DO IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT ME ON
THIS SHOW.
I'D BE BACK IN THOSE HILLS
MINING BIRDS.
JON, YOU KNOW BY NOW, I'D HAVE--
I'D HAVE DUNG LUNG.
SO, JON-- AND IT'S ALMOST OVER.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> KNOW YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR
THIS, BUT ON BEHALF OF SO MANY
PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES YOU CHANGED
OVER THE PAST 16 YEARS, THANK
YOU.
AND NOW, I BELIEVE YOUR LINE--
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG --
>> YES.
>> IS "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK!
NOT SURE-- NOT SURE WHAT YOU
MISSED DURING THE COMMERCIAL
BREAK.
AH!
SO, SO, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE THINGS--
THE THING I'M GOING TO MISS MOST
ABOUT THIS PLACE IS THE PEOPLE I
WORK WITH.
THEY ARE AMAZING.
EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAVE IS
ILLUMINATING, UPLIFTING.
THERE ARE DAYS WHERE YOU COME IN
AND THE CONFUSION AND THE FOG IS
EVERYWHERE, AND THE PEOPLE HERE
NEVER FAIL TO HAVE MY BACK ON
THOSE MOMENTS.
SOMEBODY IN THE BUILDING
BRINGING INSPIRATION, IDEAS,
TENACITY, HARD WORK-- IT'S THE
THING I'M PROUDEST OF, OF THIS
PLACE.
IT'S NOT THE SHOW.
IT'S THE PROCESS OF THE SHOW.
IT'S THE PEOPLE OF THE SHOW AND
THE ATMOSPHERE.
I'VE BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS FOR A
LONG TIME AND WORKED IN LOTS OF
DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES IN ZEROING
LEVELS OF TOXICITY, AND THIS IS
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE I HAVE
BEEN AND I'LL NEVER HAVE THAT
AGAIN AND I HAD TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THAT BEFORE LEAVING KNOWING
WHAT I WAS WALKING AWAY FROM,
AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT EACH OF
THESE INDIVIDUALS IS LIKE AND
WHAT THEY HAVE BROUGHT TO US,
BUT I REALLY THOUGHT RATHER THAN
YOU WATCHING ME DISSOLVE INTO A
PUDDLE AGAIN, I'D RATHER LET YOU
MEET THEM.
AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER, I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A COMIC.
COMICS WERE THE COOLEST GUYS
AROUND-- AFTER ATHLETES, MOVIE
STARS, SIRNGZ, CARNEYS, NARCS,
BUT AFTER THAT, COMICS.
FOR 17 YEARS I GOT TO DO IT WITH
THE PEOPLE IN THIS BUILDING.
MY CREW.
IF SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE-- IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--
>> WE TOOK CARE OF THAT THING
FOR YOU.
>> Jon: I KNOW WHAT THEY
MEAN.
EVERY DAY WE'D MEET UP AT OUR
FAVORITE HANG-OUT, THE OFFICE.
THERE WAS, OF COURSE, COOL ZACH.
>> HOW YOU DOING, GUY.
>> Jon: AND THE WRITERS,
THE BREAD BAKER AND CAGE.
>> IF HUT IS A SPECIES, WHY DID
HE CALL HIMSELF JAWF AT HUT.
>> IT'S LIKE AN EPITHET, LIKE
JIMMY THE GEEK.
>> NERDS.
>> THERE'S Z-BONE, JOAN,
DLAIFERY, TRAYVON, MIDWEST
ALLEY.
>> I'M FROM COLORADO!
>> Jon: THERE WAS BEAUTY
McFLAD, AND BEAUTY McFLAD,
AND BEAUTY McFLAD.
>> WE'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> Jon: YOU HAVE TO BE
QUIET WALKING PAST.
AND SEAN.
HE'D MADE SURE EVERYTHING WE
SAID WAS CORRECT, AND THAT'S WHY
I CALLED HIM THE
RESEARCH-IN-ATOR.
>> YOU NEVER ONCE CALLED ME
THAT.
>> Jon: THESE POOR SOLES
DID THE HARDEST JOB OF ALL,
WATCHING THE NEWS ALL DAY.
JULIETTE, LIZA.
BRUNCH MAN.
AND, OF COURSE, GAGA-GOO.
HEY, JAY.
TAXLER.
JAMES FRANCIS AND MEL KERRS.
>> DONALD TRUMP JUST ANNOUNCED
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
( SIRENS ).
>> ALL HANDS ON DECK!
>> Jon: WE SHOULD PROBABLY
GO.
DENNY WIRES HAD THE WHOLE PLACE
WIRED.
OFF TO PRODUCTION.
THE HURT LOCKER.
DEV.
DONNIE APPLESEED, AND BRITTANY.
>> IT'S FOR THE SHOW!
>> Jon: SURE, IT IS.
THERE'S LISA.
AND THEN THERE'S-- THAT GUY
DOESN'T WORK HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT GUY IS.
AND, OF COURSE, THE PROP MASTER.
>> IT TOOK 36 MONTHS TO BUILD.
>> BUILD ANOTHER ONE.
>> I SAW THE POOL ON THE ROOF.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> Jon: ACCOUNTING
LAUNDERED-- MOVED THE MONEY.
LISA, CHRISTIE.
>> JON, HEY, GO BUY YOURSELF
SOMETHING NICE.
>> Jon: DON'T MIND IF I DO.
SOMETIMES THE STORIES DIDN'T
COME TO US.
THAT'S WHEN THE FIELD DEPARTMENT
WAS FOR.
WE SENT OUTER CORRESPONDENTS OUT
INTO THE WORLD AND USED THEIR
MILES TO GET DISCOUNTS AT
AMAZON.
THERE WAS NATE, J.B., AND
MOXIE'S DAD, AND POLLY.
AND THE PRODUCERS.
>> I'M NOT JEWISH.
>> Jon: NO ONE BELIEVES
THAT HERE.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO DO A GREAT
JOB.
JUST ANSWER THE QUESTIONS
DIRECTLY.
>> Jon: NOW IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO KNOW WHO RAN THE JOINT,
YOU HAD TO HIT THE EXECUTIVE
SUITE.
HEY, FELLAS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
ARE YOU PLAYING CARDS?
DID I INTERRUPT?
I'LL GO.
MEOW.
HEARTBREAK HILL.
SHE BOOKED ALL THE GUESTS.
>> HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
I THINK HE'S A LITTLE MAD.
>> HEY, JON,UN YOU RIPPED ME OFF
FOR THE LAST TIME OF GOODFELL
AS, OKAY.
YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS
SOON.
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
AND AIB AND FELIPE, ANTONIO.
AND THE MAESTRO AT THE EDITING
BAY.
THE DOCTOR.
I'M OPEN.
I'M ALWAYS OPEN.
NICK, AND WHERE'S ZUZU.
>> ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO EDIT
THIS LATER?
>> IT'S ONE TAKE.
>> Jon: AND I SPIN THE
CAMERA AND WE END UP IN THE
GRAPHICS CAGE.
JOE HOGAN, MADDIE, AND JENNY.
FINALLY!
SMALL VICTORY.
THERE WAS HASAN.
AND POLLY P.
>> I NEED 10 MINUTES.
>> Jon: WHY?
>> MY SONS ARE SICK, BOSS.
>> Jon: THE CONTROL ROOM.
CHRISTINA, TIM, ROB, ZOE.
WHAT'S UP, PAULEY.
AND THE BIG MAN, CHUCK.
CAN'T FORGET ROCKY ANDRIAN.
>> READY, CAMERA, THREE?
HEY, HEY, ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW
WHY FRUIT MAKES YOU BURP.
>> Jon: HEY, MIKEY.
ANOTHER PAUL ON WARM-UP JAN AND
MARILYN.
AND THE CAPOS.
GREENBERG.
>> WE LOST A MINUTE ON THE FEES.
>> WE NEED THAT.
>> THE NETWORK APPROVED THE
JOKE.
>> FINALLY, A BALD JOKE ON "THE
DAILY SHOW."
>> Jon: FINALLY WE HAD--
HEY, GUYS.
>> HI.
>> Jon: CORRESPONDENTS.
FINALLY, THE STUDIO WHERE IT ALL
CAME TOGETHER.
PHILLY PHIL.
CHRIS.
RICHIE ON JIB.
FRANCO.
T.D., MIKE, QIG, AND, OF COURSE,
SPIN.
>> HERE WE GO.
HERE'S THE SHOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEATRE BEST IN THE
BUSINESS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!
ANYWAY, ABOUT THE DEBATE.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU.
WE'VE SEEN THE CORRESPONDENTS.
WE'VE MET EVERYONE WHO WORKS
HERE.
AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING.
SO MAYBE ONE LAST TIME, MAYBE A
LITTLE-- IF YOU WANT TO-- MAYBE
A LITTLE CAMERA THREE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BULLSHIT IS EVERYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER )
ARE THE KIDS STILL HERE?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER?
BULLSHIT IS EVERYWHERE.
THERE IS VERY LITTLE YOU WILL
ENCOUNTER IN LIFE THAT HAS NOT
BEEN, IN SOME WAYS, INFUSED WITH
BULLSHIT-- NOT ALL OF IT BAD.
GENERAL DAY-TO-DAY FREE RANCH IS
OFTEN NECESSARY, OR AT LEAST
INNOCUOUS.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
I'M SURE HE'LL GROW INTO THAT
HEAD.
THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IN MANY
WAYS PROVIDES IMPORTANT SOCIAL
CONTRACTS FERTILIZERS AND KEEPS
PEOPLE FROM MAKE EACH OTHER CRY
ALL DAY.
BUT THEN THERE'S THE MORE
PERNICIOUS BULLSHIT, YOUR
PREMEDITATED INSTITUTIONAL
BULLSHIT DESIGNED TO OBSCURE AND
DISTRACT.
DESIGNED BY WHOM?
THE BULLSHIT TALKERS.
COMES IN THREE BASIC FLAVORS,
ONE, MAKING BAD THINGS SOUND
LIKE GOOD THINGS.
ORGANIC ALL-NATURAL CUPCAKES.
BECAUSE FACTORY MADE SUGAR
OATMEAL BALLS DOESN'T SELL.
PATRIOT ACT, BECAUSE ARE YOU
SCARED ENOUGH TO LET ME LOOK AT
ALL YOUR PHONE RECORDS ACT,
DOESN'T SELL.
WHENEVER SOMETHING IS TITLED
FREEDOM, FAIRNESS, FAMILY,
HEALTH, AND AMERICA, TAKE A GOOD
LONG SNIFF.
CHANCES ARE IT'S BEEN
MANUFACTURED IN A FACILITATE
THAT MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF
BULLSHIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NUMBER TWO, THE SECOND WAY,
HIDING THE BAD THINGS UNDER
MOUNTAINS OF BULLSHIT.
COMPLEXITY-- YOU KNOW, I WOULD
LOVE TO DOWNLOAD DRIZZY'S LATEST
MEEK MILL DIS.
EVERYONE PROMISED ME THAT THAT
MADE CENTS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED
RIGHT NOW IN READING TOLSTOY'S
iTUNES AGREEMENT, SO I'LL JUST
CLICK "AGREE" EVEN IF IT GRANTS
APPLE PRIMA NOCTAE WITH MY
SPOUSE.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE-- SIMPLY PUT,
SIMPLY PUT, BANKS SHOULDN'T BE
ABLE TO BET YOUR PENSION MONEY
ON RED.
BULLSHITLY PUT, IT'S-- HEY,
THIS.
DODD-FRANK.
HEY, A HAND SM OF BILLIONAIRES
CAN'T BUY OUR LEXINGTONS, RIGHT?
, OF COURSE, NOT, THEY CAN ONLY
POUR UNLIMITED ANONYMOUS CASH
INTO
501-C6 AND 527 UNLESS THEY'RE
GONNA BE DOING 50% ISSUE
EDUCATION AT--"
"I THINK THEY'RE ASLEEP NOW.
WE CAN SNEAK OUT."
( APPLAUSE )
AND FINALLY-- FINALLY, IT'S THE
BULLSHIT OF INFINITE
POSSIBILITY.
THESE BULLSHITTERS COVER THEIR
UNWILLINGNESS TO ACT UNDER THE
GUISE OF UNENDING INQUIRY.
WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE WE
DON'T YET KNOW EVERYTHING.
WE CANNOT TAKE ACTION ON CLIMATE
CHANGE UNTIL EVERYONE IN THE
WORLD AGREES GAY MARRIAGE VEEX
WON'T CAUSE OUR CHILDREN TO
MARRY GOATS WHO ARE GOING TO
COME FOR OUR GUNS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS THIS--
BULLSHITTERS HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY
LAZY, AND THEIR WORK IS EASILY
DETECTED.
AND LOOKING FOR IT IS A PLEASANT
WAY TO PASS THE TIME LIKE AN "I
SPY" OF BULLSHIT.
I SAY TO YOU TONIGHT FRIENDS THE
BEST DEFENSE AGAINST BULLSHIT IS
VIGILANCE.
SO IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING, SAY
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT IS OUR
PROGRAM.
NOW, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE TO
THANK THAT I CANNOT PLAUSIBLY DO
IT IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME
ALLOTTED.
COMEDY CENTRAL GAVE ME THIS
OPPORTUNITY 16 AND A HALF YEARS
AGO.
THE PEOPLE THAT WORKED HERE,
GAVE ME THE TALENT AND
INSPIRATION TO DEVELOP IT OVER
ALL THOSE YEARS.
IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE PLACE.
HONESTLY, TODAY, IT STILL FEELS
LIKE A DREAM A LITTLE BIT, AND
WALKING AROUND THE BUILDING
TODAY, NOBODY WAS MAKING EYE
CONTACT BECAUSE I THINK THERE'S
SO MUCH LOVE AND PRIDE FILLING
THE BUILDING RIGHT NOW, THAT WE
JUST DON'T WANT TO DROWN IT IN
SALINE.
SO THERE'S A LOT OF THIS-- SO
THE SCRIPT IS READY?
UH-HUH.
SO EVERYBODY IS MAKING MOVES
WITH SALTY GOGGLES ON.
SO I JUST EYE CAN'T THANK THE
PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE ENOUGH, AND
I CAN'T THANK COMEDY CENTRAL
ENOUGH AND I CAN'T THANK THE
AUDIENCE ENOUGH.
YOUR SUPPORT AND ENTHUSIASM OVER
THE YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAS BROUGHT TO US-- DON'T--
DON'T THINK THAT THE ENERGY THAT
YOU PUT OUT IS NOT RECEIVED ON
THOSE DAYS WHERE WE JUST FEEL
LIKE WE DON'T HAVE IT.
>> WE LOVE YOU!
>> Jon: I'M VERY FOND OF
YOU AS WELL, SIR.
IT SEEMED AWFULLY GRAVELLY.
( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO THANK MY WIFE, TRACY,
AND MY KIDS, NATE AND MAGGIE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT GOING TO LOOK OVER THERE.
FOR TEACHING ME WHAT JOY LOOKS
LIKE.
AND... AN ARTIST I REALLY ADMIRE
ONCE SAID HE THINKS OF HIS
CAREER AS A LONG CONVERSATION
WITH THE AUDIENCE, A DIALOGUE.
AND I REALLY LIKE THAT METAPHOR
FOR MANY DIFFERENT REASONS BUT
THE MAIN ONE IS BECAUSE IT TAKES
AWAY THE IDEA OF FINALITY.
THIS IS JUST-- IT'S A
CONVERSATION.
THIS SHOW ISN'T ENDING.
WE'RE MERELY TAKING A SMALL
PAUSE IN THE CONVERSATION, A
CONVERSATION, WHICH, BY THE WAY,
I HAVE HOGGED AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
I NEVER-- I REALLY-- I SHOULD
HAVE AT SOME POINT TURNED THE
CAMERA AROUND AND SAID, "DO YOU
GUYS HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD?"
I'VE REALLY BEEN DOMINATING THIS
IN A VERY SELFISH WAY.
BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS A
REMARKABLE WAY OF GETTING TO
THAT NOTHING ENDS.
IT'S JUST A CONTINUATION.
IT'S A PAUSE IN THE
CONVERSATION.
SO RATHER THAN SAYING GOOD-BYE
OR GOOD NIGHT, I'M JUST GOING TO
SAY I'M GOING TO GO GET A DRINK.
AND I'M SURE I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
BEFORE I LEAVE.
SO THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE
PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO
PERFORM IT FOR YOU, FOR THE
PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO DO
IT.
SO HERE IT IS, MY MOMENT OF ZEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THIS IS BY REQUEST FROM THE MAN HIMSELF.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, JON.
WE WISH YOU HAPPY AND SAFE
TRAVELS.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ GRAB YOUR TICKET AND YOUR
SUITCASE
THUNDER'S ROLLING DOWN THIS
TRACK.
♪ DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING
NOW, BUT KNOW YOU WON'T BE BACK
♪ WELL DARLIN', IF YOU'RE WEARY
LAY YOUR HEAD UPON MY CHEST
♪ WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN CARRY
AND WE'LL LEAVE THE REST
♪ WELL, BIG WHEELS ROLL THROUGH
FIELDS WHERE SUNLIGHT STREAMS
♪ MEET ME IN A LAND OF HOPE AND
DREAMS
♪ I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, STAND BY YOUR SIDE
♪ YOU'LL NEED A GOOD
COMPANION NOW
FOR THIS PART OF YOUR RIDE
♪ LEAVE BEHIND YOUR SORROWS
THIS DAY BE THE LAST
♪ WELL, TOMORROW THERE WILL BE
SUNSHINE
♪ AND ALL THIS DARKNESS PAST
BIG WHEELS ROLL THROUGH FIELDS
♪ WHERE SUNLIGHT STREAMS
MEET ME IN A LAND OF HOME AND
DREAMS
♪ WELL, THIS TRAIN CARRIES SAINTS AND SINNERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES LOSERS AND
WINNERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES WHORES AND
GAMBLERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES LOST SOULS
THIS TRAIN DREAMS WILL NOT BE
THWARTED
♪ THIS TRAIN WILL NOT BE
THWARTED.
♪ THIS TRAIN FAITH WILL BE
REWARDED
♪ THIS TRAIN HEAR THE STEEL
WHEELS SINGING
♪ THIS TRAIN BELLS OF FREEDOM
RINGING.
♪ PEOPLE GET READY
TRAIN COMING IN.
♪ DON'T NEED NO TICKET
♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
♪ ( "BORN TO RUN" PLAYING ) >> Jon: THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.