[soft piano music]
When do dreams stop and where does reality begin?
[whining]
Stop whining, you wimp.
Aunt Irene, I'm confused.
I have a hard on.
When will my nightmare stop?
Soon, Richard. Hopefully soon.
My friends and lovers, Arthur Seward and his sister, Sybil, will be in town soon.
You need as much help as I do, Aunt Irene.
All you do is fuck.
Shut up, Richard.
Nightmares are a bore.
Paging Nurse Lawson.
To Ward B.
No oxygen in the emergency room.
Dr. Bradley, paging Dr. Bradley.
I'm nervous, Aunt Irene.
Relax, Richard. Your sleepless nights will soon be over.
Phony bitch.
- Irene, we've been expecting you. - Arthur. Dearest Arthur.
- Sybil. - So nice to see you, Irene.
- And this must be your nephew, Richard. - Yes, it is.
Henry, show Mr. Renfield to his room.
Suckers.
- Arthur, it's been so long. - You look marvelous.
I've been trying to take care of myself since my wife died.
What a way to learn about yourself.
Yes, traumas do have ways of affecting one.
Sybil will show you to your room, you may bathe or whatever you want.
- Thank you, Arthur. - Come, my dear.
Henry, see me in my study immediately.
Attention.
The first annual Seward Sanitarium rubber raft race is cancelled
due to a crab epidemic in Ward A.
I put that new nut in his room.
Please, do not refer to them as nuts.
Now, before you go,
check on the rest of the patients downstairs,
see if Mrs. Renfield needs anything.
Yes, sir.
That bastard Steward, always giving me orders
like he thinks he owns this place,
but it's that big-titted bitch, Sybil, who's really in charge.
Hell, this nuthouse will fall apart if I wasn't around here to wipe up.
[sobbing]
Help me.
I haven't slept there, I can't stand this pressure anymore.
I need something to sleep.
I've got to help Richard, I've got to help myself.
You want help?
- Yes, I admit. - I'll give you fucking help.
I'm beginning to have them myself.
- I need to sleep, I need to sleep. - [grunting]
[moaning]
You like that help?
No, no, no.
[moaning and grunting]
This will help you sleep well.
[moaning and grunting]
There you go.
[laughing]
How do you like them apples, bitch?
[laughing]
[moaning and grunting]
Enough help?
[moaning and grunting]
- You had enough help? - Oh, God.
Huh? Huh?
[moaning]
[panting]
[moaning and grunting]
Here's a little love lotion for your tranquilizer.
There you go.
You are a slob.
[chuckling]
You are coming back, aren't you?
I need another apple.
Bring a bushel.
[moaning]
This way, Professor.
They're always making tremendous progress here.
Where?
- Mr. Renfield. - Buddy.
Now, the thing with Tim is, he just came.
He has the same symptoms, his cravings as all the other ones.
They've all taken on different roles, but the same cravings.
We all have cravings.
Yes.
How is she?
She's eight years old again.
He just plays his guitar and fornicates
anything he can find. Holes in the walls, straw, anything.
Cowboys?
Was this how the West was won?
Yes.
[folk music]
[moaning and grunting]
A little higher.
[moaning and grunting]
Cowboy player.
[folk music]
[moaning and grunting]
Oh, Cowboy.
[moaning and grunting]
Oh, it's tight.
Put it in me, Cowboy.
[moaning and grunting]
- Get ready -- - [moans]
- - and ride it.
[moaning and grunting]
Feels good, huh?
[moaning and grunting]
How's that?
Slide just a little bit here.
[moans]
Oh, come on, Cowboy.
[moaning and grunting]
So much.
[moaning and grunting]
Can't help it.
[moaning and grunting]
Ride it some more.
[moaning]
- Oh, yes.
- Fuck me, Cowboy, fuck me. - Damn.
Go some more.
[moaning and grunting]
- [moaning] Oh, yes.
Feels good, real good.
- Come on. Faster.
[moaning and grunting]
Hi, ho, Silver.
[background noise] [moaning]
Fuck me, baby, fuck me.
[dramatic orchestral music] [moaning]
Oh, my God.
Rub it all over me.
I'm totally puzzled, I can't make anything of it.
[indistinct]
That is different.
[crosstalking]
This is the worst one yet.
We had him very relaxed, reading books, smoking a pipe,
now he's back in costume.
I think the marks may be lesions, maybe from a virus or something.
One by one, the same thing happened with both of them.
The primary cause of 99.9% of all humans ills is...?
- Chronic constipation.
Of course, yes. - Doctor, break out the cocaine.
[soft music]
Are you serious.
I just can't get you out of my mind.
I can't take my eyes off of you.
I'm afraid I love you.
Oh, you're making me blush.
I never told anybody that before.
It scares me.
I won't bite.
Dr. Bradley, overflow on Ward B.
Attention, Nurse Lawson.
Patients expiring in [indistinct].
What would you like to sing?
You know the song, Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"?
(singing) Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Well, if you get there
before I do,
coming for to carry me home.
Tell all of my friends I'm coming, too,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me
home.
[soft orchestral music]
I have a theory.
We're dealing with the undead. Vampires.
- Nosferatu. - Nosferatu?
Yes, Nosferatu. The vampire attacks the body.
He leaves two little marks.
Renfield, the man's obsessed.
He thinks he must devour living things.
But Professor, modern science doesn't admit to such superstitions.
Renfield has escaped.
Where did he go?
Master, I'm here.
[laughing]
[grunting and growling]
I am Dracula.
I bid you welcome.
Listen to them.
Children of the night.
What music they make,
Mr. Renfield.
- Where are all the fags you promised? - Blood is the life.
[screaming]
[dogs barking]
Henry!
Richard!
I locked him up so he can't hurt himself anymore.
I'm yours for eternity!
Oh, my back.
Ahh.
[screaming]
Paging Dr. Stoker, unruly patient in violent ward.
Take his straitjacket off.
Mr. Reinfield, you're looking much better.
You bastard.
I'm here to help you.
Dr. Seward, send me away from this place.
Send me far away.
Why would you like to leave?
My cries at night, they might disturb Ms. Mina.
They might give her terrible nightmares, Professor Van Helsing.
Bad dreams.
[wolf howling]
Werewolf? I might have known.
We know why do wolves talk
and we know how to stop it.
Ahh, You know too much to live, Van Helsing.
Henry, take him away.
I'm warning you, Dr. Seward,
you send me away from this place
or you must answer for what will happen to Ms. Mina.
- Nazi fuck! - What was the herb that excited him so?
Wolfsbane. It grows in central Europe.
The natives use it
to protect themselves against vampires.
Watch him closely day and night,
especially night.
[soft orchestral music]
[howling]
[screaming]
Don't move,
or I'm going to fuck you til your balls fall off.
Don't move.
[howling] [moaning]
Don't move.
Come on, stick it in my cunt.
[moaning]
Come on.
Make that prick as big as you can for me.
Don't move. I told you, don't move.
[moaning]
Two-hundred years I've waited for this, and this is all I get?
Make it bigger.
Make this damn thing bigger.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Come on.
You're going to die if 1 don't get off from this.
Come on.
[moaning]
Fuck me.
Cum, cum.
[moaning]
That's right.
- [screaming] - Two-hundred years I've waited,
and this is all I'm going to get?
Attention, attention.
This is an emergency.
Bats have been spotted in Ward A.
Please put hair nets on all the patients.
Dracula, I hear you coming,
but I'd like to see you cum, too.
Dracula, cum.
I want to cum, too.
Attention, Henry.
Henry, please get traps.
We have rats in the basement.
[howling]
Is Dr. Seward at home?
Yes, sir. Come right in.
[howling]
I'd love to be fucked by him.
Dr. Seward?
Yes.
I am Count Dracula.
I've just taken Carfax Abbey.
Oh, we'll be neighbors.
That horny Dr. Stoker wouldn't be bad, either,
but he's busy now.
He's with that sluttish maid.
It's rumored she's been fucked by the chauffeur.
People in town are really worried about him,
frightened for some reason.
Frightened? Why?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because he's odd, different, you know?
No, I don't know.
I find him very charming, polite,
something you can learn from.
[moaning]
Dr. Gillespie, Dr. Gillespie. Line six, phone call.
Maybe you're right.
You never see him in the daytime,
only at night.
What do you think about that?
Nothing.
Townspeople won't even work the Carfax estate.
- Why? - They say it's haunted.
- Would you please come in. - That place has been deserted
for a long, long time.
Yes.
I have a surprise for everyone.
We have a new neighbor,
Count Dracula.
I'd like you to meet my niece, Mina.
Hello.
Her fiancV©, Jonathan Harker.
- Irene Renfield, an old family friend. - Oh, shit.
One of my new interns, Dr. Bradley.
Lucy Webster, Mina's college friend.
And of course,
my dear sister, Sybil.
Don't.
- The Count has just leased Carfax Abbey. - How charming.
It'll be a relief to see some light in that dismal old place.
Yes, indeed.
Will you all excuse me? I have a telephone call.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
The Abbey looks like it could use some repairs.
I shall do very little.
It reminds me of my castle in Transylvania.
It reminds me of that poem from school,
"Walls around were bare,
as if the dead are there."
[chuckles] That's a good toast, Lucy.
There's more.
"Let's cry for the next to die."
Oh, Lucy, that's enough of that.
Never mind the rest.
To die,
to be really dead.
It must be glorious.
Why, Count?
There are far worse things awaiting man than death.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Attention, attention.
Dr. Van Helsing, long distance from Amsterdam.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Harder.
Paging Dr. Stoker.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Oh, Lucy. Yes, you're very romantic.
You mean that?
I find him fascinating.
Yeah. I think so, too, a little bit.
I think that you could use someone a little more normal.
Oh, like your John?
No, but like Dr. Bradley.
He's sweet.
But I like a more distinguished type.
The more distinguished type will get you in trouble.
[ominous music]
[growling]
[moaning] [growling]
[barking]
Why the hell did I have to come here?
I sure could use Cognac...or a Quaalude.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Come on.
[moaning]
Harder.
[moaning]
Dr. Stoker, report to Room 22 for a lobotomy.
If I catch him messing around with any of the ladies around here,
I'm gonna give him a frontal lobotomy for free.
I could swallow his cock whole, balls and all.
[orchestral music]
[moaning]
[howling]
[chirping]
[bats flying]
Good morning.
[rooster crowing] - Breakfast is now being served.
Don't forget your rubber spoons.
I laid in bed for quite a while, reading, and
just as I was feeling drowsy,
I heard the dogs howling.
And then this white, livid face came down out of the fog,
and I could feel this breath on my face,
and then I felt its lips.
John.
You were only dreaming.
I felt so weak.
It seems like the life had been drained out of me.
Mina, it was all a dream.
Was there anything that might have caused that dream, Mina?
No.
Attention, Dr. Stoker.
Ms. Lucy Webster is not in her room.
[soft music]
Van Helsing.
Van Helsing, I found her.
[gibberish]
Come on, spit it out.
[stammering]
What?
Dr. Bradley!
[eerie music]
- [singing] Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Well, if you get there
before I do,
coming for to carry me home.
Tell all of my friends
I'm coming, too,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me home.
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
coming for to carry me
home.
[dramatic orchestral music]
- Dr. Seward? - Yes.
When did Ms. Webster have the last transfusion?
About four hours ago.
Unnatural,
this loss of blood,
waxy skin.
Yes, indeed.
Victim's mouth and eye are bloodless.
On the breast, two marks.
Steady, Dr. Bradley, hold back the tears.
Don't be a cry baby.
Attention, we have some morphine missing.
Dr. Bradley?
Yes.
We are too soon old.
Too late.
You tell him,
you make him understand.
I can't.
It's all over, John.
Our love, our life together.
I love you,
but I can't help what's going on.
It's your fault, Professor.
You are driving her crazy.
The sun goes down,
another night will come.
That you should be afraid of.
So we see it again.
Chronic constipation.
Attention, Nurse Lawson. if you can, bring your enema Kit.
Well, hello, Mr. Harker.
How are you?
Not good.
What's your problem?
Things aren't going well between Mina and I at all.
Not at all.
Well, what's wrong?
Among other things,
can you imagine what it would be like
to be engaged to a woman for three years who's a virgin?
No, Mr. Harker, I don't think I could.
- Come with me. - You want me in that cab?
Yes, I want you in this cab.
You think this'll take my mind
- off my troubles? - Oh, yes.
You're one beautiful woman, you know that?
[jazzy music]
Just relax, Mr. Harker.
[moaning] My God.
You're rapidly making me forget all my troubles.
Come on, kiss me.
Let's get comfortable.
I want you to promise me, first of all, that no one finds out about this.
Oh, Jonathan,
you have my professional confidence
that no one will find out. - Okay, we have a deal.
- You know what you're doing, huh? - Oh, yes.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
[moaning]
Let me help you there.
Attention.
Attention, Dr. Stoker, Baby Jane is refusing to wear her diaper.
[moaning]
Oh, my God.
If Mina ever found out about this...
Mina won't find out.
[moaning]
Fuck.
Oh, my God.
Just what the doctor ordered.
Where are you going, Baby Jane?
Baby Jane, come back.
Attention.
Dr. Seward is missing the
Anyone knowing of its whereabouts, please return it to the pool room.
[eerie music]
Baby Jane, come here.
I want your clit, my dear.
[moaning] [soaring orchestral music]
Dr. Sybil Seward,
your brother would like to see you in his office as soon as possible.
Dearest sister,
why was Count Dracula invited for tea last night?
Why shouldn't Count Dracula have been invited for tea
last night, Arthur?
Because I don't like the effect he has on Mina.
Plus,
any decisions involving the sanitarium do not make, unless you consult me first.
I mean, for God's sake,
what is going on around here?
All this talk about vampires.
My staff doesn't listen to me anymore.
My best intern, Dr. Stoker,
has been ending up like all my other patients.
I'm going to lose my license, the whole thing is going to fall apart.
I can't take it anymore. I mean, what am I going to do?
I mean, I worked so hard at this place.
No, I cant, I don't want to lose my sanitarium.
You know I don't want to lose it?
- You know I don't want to lose it. - Arthur, calm down.
I just don't want to lose everything.
- I can't lose everything. - Arthur.
- I mean, this is everything I worked for. - Arthur. Arthur!
Arthur! Look at me, Arthur.
Now, Arthur, calm down.
Arthur...
remember how you liked this so much, Arthur?
Come on.
Come on, take it.
You know you'd like to take it, Arthur.
Come on.
Yes.
[moaning]
This is what you like.
[moaning] You like that?
Oh, look at me.
Yes.
[moaning]
[thunder rumbling]
It could have been your cock. Mother gave it to me.
I want to stick it in.
I want to stick it in you.
You want to put it in me?
Yes, you like to do that, don't you?
[moaning]
Arthur needs that, you know.
[moaning] I know he does.
Jesus Christ,
IS incest best?
[moaning]
Arthur's going to come onto his sister's breasts.
- You know that, don't you? - Yes.
Squeeze them together.
Squeeze them.
- Come on, Arthur. - Squeeze them tight, right there.
Oh, yes, here we come.
[moaning]
There will be no more static about Count Dracula.
Of course.
Now that we're feeling better, Arthur --
and we are feeling better --
we have a lot of work to do.
Yes, you're right.
We're going to pull ourselves together
and take care of business,
right, Arthur?
That's right.
Very well.
Arthur is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Real schmuck.
I advise you to come back in a couple of weeks
when his condition might've improved.
Oh, Count.
Good evening.
Count Dracula,
Professor Van Helsing.
Van Helsing?
We know the name, even in Transylvania.
You're most kind, Count.
Count, Arthur told us
of your very kind offer to give Mina your blood.
I wanted to help in any way that I could, of course.
Would you like to do it now or later?
Now would be fine.
Excuse me.
Tell me, Count, is this your first transfusion?
Yes.
And I am a little squeamish about giving blood.
Perhaps you will permit me to gaze into your eyes.
[eerie music]
[growling]
Before you go,
can you help, Count?
Yes, of course.
I would be happy to help in any way that I could.
The other evening, I stumbled on the most amazing thing.
[eerie music] [growling]
Forgive me, I dislike mirrors.
Van Helsing will explain
The one who has not lived even a single lifetime,
but a wise man,
doctor.
A vampire has struck.
What are you talking about?
A vampire casts no shadow in a mirror.
Surely, Professor, you're not trying to say --
The strength of a vampire is his prick.
[growling and howling]
Nurse, go down
and check on Dr. Stoker's condition, please.
I'll get Dr. Bradley to go down. I have a few things that --
I am the one who's running the sanitarium, not you!
Go down and check on Dr. Stoker, and take Henry with you.
What a sick bastard.
[background noise]
Ha-ha, Big Dick is sick.
Hello, Nurse Lawson.
How are you, Dr. Stoker?
Oh, I'm just fine. Thank you.
Why don't you get rid of him, and I can talk to you.
You can leave now. I think I can handle it from here.
Let me see those nasty bite marks.
Oh, those look painful.
They itch a lot.
I really shouldn't be shackled like this.
I just went a little crazy when Aunt May bit me,
but I'm okay now.
Why don't you just let one arm loose,
so I can be more comfortable and maybe scratch myself here?
Okay?
- Well, let me release you then. - Oh, good.
One arm.
[screaming] Oh, help!
[growling] [screaming]
It involves sexual penetration, mixing his semen with her blood.
Why must Mina be the one?
It's her only hope.
Tonight, Dracula will attempt this ritual.
[wolf howling]
Why are you looking at me so strangely?
I don't know.
You changed.
You're still beautiful, though.
[laughing] - Oh, yes?
I was really worried about you.
Oh, John,
look at the stars.
John, look at the stars.
The stars are beautiful.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
I love the night.
It's the only time when I really feel alive.
[soft music]
You should go back to your own country.
I'm going to stay here, where I am needed.
You are too late.
My blood is mingled with Mina's.
I don't want to save Mina's soul, but her life.
[eerie music]
You have a strong will, Van Helsing.
So long.
Well, watch, it's that big, grey bat.
Back in the house, it'll get tangled in your hair.
Go on, get out of here.
- Go, go. - Yes, Master.
- I will, Master, I promise. - What?
Nothing.
What did you say?
Nothing.
Nothing, John.
Attention, attention.
Dr. Van Helsing, please return the crucifix to the chapel.
It's Mina whom Dracula lusts for.
After all, she is the only pure soul here.
I want to warn her, but...what the hell?
[eerie music]
[heavy breathing]
Van Helsing! Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ.
Let's go.
[screaming]
[soft piano music]
Dracula has his new queen.
Despite the sexual terror of his reign, I see Mina.
She's found eternal sexual passion with her master.
As for the rest of us mere mortals,
we must be content with our one night stands.
C'est la vie.
[orchestral music]
No, John.
It's best that we part, John.
Bonsoir, John.
Auf Wiedersehen, au revoir, adios,
aloha.