Snoring
Dog barks
CLIVE: Well, it sounds like you got the ball rolling
in the right direction, man.
What about this new girl you just signed? What's her deal?
I'm tellin' you, this girl Nomi is really taIented.
She Iooks great, she sounds great.
I got interest from media outlets, publicists.
I might have another goId album here, boss.
-[ Knocking ] -Down, Toodles.
-[ Dog barking ] -Toodles, shut up!
Hey, boss. I got so many demos to get through here tonight.
If it's all the same to you, could we just deal with this all tomorrow?
-Of course. I'll see you in the A.M. -All right.
-Hi there. -Hi.
-Oh, you look great. -Thank you.
Sorry I'm workin' late. I just lost my intern.
He says he's sick. I think he's just hung over.
Well, I'll be your intern.
-Wow. -What does it pay?
I can start you off with a little fried rice.
Maybe some Mongolian beef.
You got yourself a deal.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
This is really how you find new artists?
Nah.
DEMO #2: Rasta man, comin' at ya
DEMO #3: I'm going to kill your cat!
I'm going to kill your--
Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Oh, seems like a day ago
Not quite like the last
And now I see him walking far away
Blasting down the street tonight
One more reason
It's a cold from the season
And I know that she'll be pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
Now it's seeming like a ways away
Right around the street
And all of a sudden I was seein' her face
She offers me a ride around
One more reason
It's a cold from the season
And I know that she'll be pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
About you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
Ooh, it's just like Christmas.
She takes all my pains away
[ Screams ]
Yeah!
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
She loves when I feel awake
She loves when I peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings I'm craving at night
CLEANING WOMAN: You better use a rubber!
And don't leave me any surprises.
Good night, Estaire.
[ Laughs ]
[ Telephone rings ]
-Hi, is Andy in? -Mmm, no.
Well, I was wondering if--
It's not that bad.
''Nomi sings with the emotional depth of a 12-year-oId.''
See?
It's not that bad.
Just wait till the message boards and blogs get ahold of it.
-Probably wanna kill yourself. -Anything else?
Layne called, took a message. . . lost it.
-You're doing great work here. -Thanks.
My stomach is all messed up now. Maybe they're right.
Nomi, a 12-year-old?
You are so talented.
That's one person's opinion.
WouId I have fought for you so hard if I didn't believe in you?
You had to fight for me? Clive didn't want to sign me?
No, not at first. But that's just how Clive is.
But once you've sold him, it's over. You got him.
And then he's gonna put you exactly where you wanna be.
He's going to dump my album, isn't he? He's going to dump me.
He's gonna love you, Nomi. I got you on the list.
You're playing this weekend, showcase at The Bonneville.
He'll Iove it.
-Andy. -No. Nomi, I don't wanna hear it.
You can do it, and you will do it.
Surprise!
Lauren. What's all this?
Did you light candles?
Drinking wine?
Hello, what does it look like I'm doing?
I made your favorite dinner.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, of course you did.
You look super sexy.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
And you have no idea what today is, do you?
Uh. . . .
Wait.
I know it's not your birthday because that's in April.
My birthday's in June.
'Cause we went to Big Bear.
We went to Catalina.
Right.
Is it my birthday?
It's our anniversary, genius.
It is?
Yeah, it's been a year.
Well, no wonder you made dinner.
We have to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Mm-hmm.
Lauren, I'm sorry.
I've been crazy busy at work.
Oh, grumpy. You're so grumpy.
Grumpzilla.
Sourasaurus. Look at you.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, you got bugs in your hair. Dirty bugs in your hair.
[ Laughs ] No, I don't.
When's the last time you took a shower?
I just had one.
I don't know about that.
Hey.
You know you're the most important thing to me, right?
I really am sorry.
Okay.
Happy anniversary.
Um, loser, the least you can do is help me with the dishes.
You realize I'm gonna punch you in the balls
if you knock one more thing over.
Oh, you really think you can do this?
Oh, you took too long there.
[ Lauren screams, laughs ]
No. What, you think you're gonna hurt me with that?
Come on. Oh, you are in huge trouble.
No! Oh, put me down! Put me down!
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Both moaning ]
LAUREN: I love you.
ANDY: Oh, thanks.
[ Andy moans ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Nancy and I have incredible sex.
It's, like, unbelievable.
David is the worst, worst lover ever.
The first time we did it -- sex --
went to a restaurant and then went to a really great movie.
And then, God, she looked so good
I couldn't even concentrate, you know?
So, I took her back to her apartment. . .
with my boner.
Yeah, you know, I can reaIIy walk myseIf to my door.
Yeah, you know what?
Oh.
Yeah, um. . . .
I'm gonna fuck you until you shit.
-Yeah. -That is so hot.
And, yeah, on the table, on my bench, in the kitchen.
It's like that all the time. You know what I'm sayin'?
And it gets real old, you know?
I mean, a little spontaneity every once in a while,
it's a good thing, you know. But, um. . . .
We don't -- We don't need foreplay.
I need foreplay.
You do?
Yeah.
Why have you never brought this up before?
It just never came up in conversation.
So, all that time was. . . .
It was okay.
So, just okay?
Pretty decent.
That is worse than okay.
No. No, no, no. No, no.
See, decent is definitely a little bit better than okay.
And then pretty decent is just a little less decent than that.
No, there's a scale.
It's like horrible, get out of my room. . .
-Nah, pretty bad. . . -No--
-You've embarrassed yourself. . . -No.
-Then decent. Then decent. -Pretty decent is pretty--
Pretty.
I got somethin' decent for ya, baby, and it's in my pants.
Hey, homey.
-Oh, yeah! -What the f--
What is that? That's bullshit.
NANCY: Whoo!
DAVID'S MOM: David, honey, dinner's ready.
Mom!
NANCY: Yeah, baby, get that wiener out! Rarr!
So last night, I think I heard Lauren sigh.
What do you mean?
After sex, she sighed.
You mean like--
[ Sighs with pleasure ]
Not quite.
So, it was more like--
[ Sighs with disappointment ]
Yeah.
What's the problem?
I don't think it's really a problem.
I just need to make a few adjustments.
My ex, Tricia, it took like two minutes.
I could give her a piggyback ride to the car and she'd be done.
Lauren takes a lot longer.
How much longer?
I don't know.
Well, guesstimate.
No, really, I don't know.
Wait. How long have you two been going out?
A year.
A year?!
An entire year and nothing? Are you kidding me, Andy?
A year? I mean, a year's a really long time to not even--
Okay, yeah, I get it. Thank you, Nomi.
I'm just saying, like,
you could really get benched for something like that.
Hey, Andy, what is up?
Andy can't satisfy his girIfriend.
Ooh, what's the problem?
I wouldn't call it a problem, per se.
Oh, honey, you better learn, 'cause nobody gets back into the game
once they've been benched.
Yeah, well, I didn't even know what the score was until just last night.
Nomi, give me some pointers.
No, that's weird.
I don't know what I'm doing here, obviously.
You must know a thing or two.
Come on, spill the beans. This is clearly very important.
I'm not a sexpert here, Andy, so. . .
Do you foreplay?
I play every time.
How much play?
How much?
Yeah, you know, quantify in minutes.
Three or four.
[ Laughs ]
Three or four?
Andy Conners, you are definitely not satisfying your girlfriend.
Okay, Nancy.
So, how much is enough?
You need to go at least 15.
15?!
Yeah, you know, depending on what type.
And what's the best type?
You need to educate yourself
on all the relevant methods and techniques.
How would I go about this?
Don't look at me.
-Hi. -Hey there.
How'd it go last night?
Last night was good. . . when he finally got there.
[ Groans ]
Okay, well, what about after dinner? Did he like the lingerie?
Yeah.
Okay, well, was the sex good?
Yeah.
Hey, mysterious, you wanna fill me in here?
It was your one-year, right?
Yep.
Okay. Well, is he the one?
He could be.
You're not sure?
How could anyone ever really be sure?
Okay, well, how does he rank on your list?
My list?
The ''How Do You Know If Your Boyfriend's The One'' list.
Come on. I don't have a list. That's silly.
What's on this list?
Okay, well, everyone's list is different, right?
I mean, wouldn't you say, Carla?
Yeah, you start with the basics.
So, like, I want someone who hears me,
not just listens, but actually gets what I'm saying.
Right. Or like, does he appreciate me?
Is he romantic?
Does he drain your soul with empty promises
and self-serving priorities?
Okay, that's a different list.
It's about the small things, okay?
Like, does he open doors for you? Does he kiss you goodnight?
Does he not cheat on you with your shift manager
who's only moderately better looking than you?
-I hate men. -Right.
Not so helpful, right? Maybe not?
Let's keep it light.
The most important thing of all, as you already know,
does he get you to Orlando?
Oh, my God! You are so bad! I can't believe you just said that!
-I did. I did. -You're such a dork.
No, it never happened! I've never been there.
And he is always there.
You know, whatever. I don't even care.
So, Lauren, is Andy, Iike, a sex train with precious cargo?
Oh, come on, don't leave us hangin'.
I bet he is.
Mm-hmm.
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
It's not gonna change you
We walk along but never turn
So, you ladies ever met a beautiful, black band manager before?
[ Scoffs ]
No, you couldn't've, you couldn't've, not especially lookin' like me.
You dig? I got the Kanye West Iook.
I'm that drumroll walkin' through the door kind of cat.
You know what I'm sayin'? I can get you concert tickets.
I can get you backstage passes, especially with them fine asses.
Know what I'm sayin'?
So, if you really wanted to think about it, I'm a commodity.
I'm somebody you wanna know.
Come on, it's Iike ménage á quatre. I like foursomes.
-What's up, you don't like foursomes? -You're a loser.
Oh, I get it. I get it, I get it. Your moms are callin'.
-WOMAN: Whatever. -Truant officers?
-I got candy. -WOMAN: Proof he's a loser.
-Yeah, go on, go see the Jonas Brothers.
WOMAN: Okay, Kanye.
-Hey, Layne. -What?
-So, that went well. -Andy, what's up, man?
How've you been?
What's it been, like three months? You don't know a brother no more?
Hey, sorry. You know how it is.
Yeah, I know how it is. I'm just giving you hell.
I talked to Nomi the other day. Homey, you messin' me up, man?
What's goin' on? You messin' with my money? How's the album?
-I brought her to you. -And?
We're getting the mixes back any day now.
She's got this showcase next week. It's all good.
Cool. Cool.
How's Lauren?
Not bad.
All right, what's wrong?
To tell you the truth, she sighed last night.
Sighed? What the hell's that mean?
Her train didn't quite make it to Orlando.
What the hell are you talkin' about? Was she traveling?
Sex train.
Oh, her train never made it to Orlando.
You call it Orlando?
So does her train ever make it to Orlando?
Not really.
Yeah, and that's the problem, okay? I'm really worried.
I just found out I could get benched for something Iike this.
Oh, hell yeah, you can.
-Yeah? -Yeah, man.
Oh.
Oh, man, don't worry, man. You know I got you.
Who was there for you when you and Tricia broke up?
-You. -Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
And who stayed up with you all night drinking absinthe
and getting all sensitive, talkin' about our fear of snakes
when you lost your first label job?
Come on, man, we'll get through this together.
Thanks, man.
Yeah. What are best friends for?
What is my body worth?
[ Cheering and applause ]
One more song! One more song!
LAYNE: Hell of a set, Chris.
-Oh, what up, Layne? -What's up, baby?
-Yeah, it was. We killed it, man. -You sure did, man.
-What up, Andy? How you doin'? -Good, good.
What's not up is Andy can't get his girl off.
Andy, what's the problem, dude?
I really wouldn't call it a probIem, per se.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's got a problem?
Andy. He can't get Lauren to Orlando, if you know what I mean.
Wait a minute, you call it that, too?
What the hell is this, a white-boy thing?
What's the matter, Andy, you can't get it up?
No. It's up all the time. I dry towels on it.
-Oh, so it's like an endurance thing? -No.
Yeah. Sometimes.
Why, do you know something about this?
Me? No, no, man.
It's a common problem though, you know?
I mean, I could go, Iike, two or three days
without food or water. Nothing.
Andy, don't sweat it, man. I'm a two-pump chump, too.
What you gotta do is think about puppies and Walter Matthau.
You'll last for a week. You won't be able to finish.
Wait, wait, you don't think about sex when you're having sex?
I have a boner 24 hours a day.
What am I supposed to do when I look down
and there's this beautiful, moaning, naked woman below me?
Andy, good luck, man. We're gonna head out.
This crowd is probably gonna start a riot soon.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I would like to dedicate this to a buddy of mine
who can't quite seem to take his girlfriend all the way in bed.
I think you can do it, Andy.
Andy!
CROWD: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Dude, you're famous.
[ Truck horn honks ]
Dude, you drive like a girl.
I do not drive like a girl. I drive the speed limit.
-I don't wanna get a ticket. -You don't wanna get a ticket?
Do you have any idea how expensive insurance is?
-You have really lost your edge. -What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've gone soft, sof-t.
I guess that's what happens when you get a girIfriend. Shit.
Is that why you're still single? You're afraid to lose your edge?
As a matter of fact, that's exactIy why I'm still single.
I like to keep my edge extra edgy, slice your motherfuckin' head off.
You feel me?
Shit, man, men are not supposed to be monogamous, man.
We're supposed to be chillin'.
We're supposed to be out in the field, pulling our dicks out,
spreading our seed as far, as wide as possibIe,
Like a fire hydrant.
So gross. You're so gross.
Whatever.
ANDY: There she is.
Nomi, get your ass in the car.
Nomi.
Nomi?
Nomi, what-- what-- Who's that?
-Put your pedal down for the gas. -Who's he?
-Get me out of here. -Wait, wait. What the fuck?
Who's that guy? He gonna chase us?
Oh, that was my date, and I hope not.
Your date?
All your dates end this abruptly?
You know what? At least I made it through the salad, okay?
Where are we going?
This crazy Internet promotions party.
Yeah, Andy needs to find some sexperts.
Yes, and it would be a pretty good idea
for you to meet some of these people.
And we fade out as the soundtrack sings
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack full of fireworks
And you're gonna burn the city down right now
Whoa
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack full of fireworks
Let's do this.
I need a drink. You guys handle the sex people.
[ Scoffs ]
Nah. Ew.
Nope. Dork.
Ooh, porn stars.
Come on.
...way too tragic
[ Chuckles ]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So, what is your problem?
I would say it's more strategy than anything else.
No, he can't get his girlfriend off. I mean, at all.
However, recent concerns have come to light,
and I genuinely fear that my days may be numbered.
My girlfriend is my whole life, though.
And I don't even think she knows it.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Why don't you walk us through your steps.
-Beginning to end. -Okay.
Well, first we kiss.
Then I touch her. . . boobs.
Then I kiss her. . . boobs.
For how long?
I don't know, like, probably a couple minutes per boob.
Go on.
Then we'll get naked, and we kiss some more.
And I'll touch her in her. . . special place.
And then we do it.
For how long?
At least five or six minutes.
Five? Please.
And at the end, does she ever, you know, like--
[ Moans ]
No.
No?
And that's the problem.
Your first mistake is you don't spend enough time kissing.
Sensual kissing is very important in making love to a woman.
Huh.
Dude, I am getting a serious notorious B-I-G in my pants.
Don't let her undress herself, you know.
God, women absolutely love to be undressed.
-So, do it slow. -Oh.
Do everything slow.
That just comes undone just like that?
That's-- That's great.
Vocalize.
Men get turned on by visuals.
Women, we get turned on by audio.
You're so beautiful.
You're turning me on, you bitch.
Yeah, yeah, I Iike it when you call me a bitch.
Yeah, you just wanna touch me like that, don't you?
You just wanna touch me. You just wanna touch me, smack --
-Slap my dick, slap it! -What?
Slap it, you--
I mean--
What can I get ya?
Can I have a vodka tonic and a shot of tequila?
Okay.
-Here you go, beautiful. -Thank you.
Wow, you are sexy. You know that?
Thanks.
Some awesome bands playing tonight, huh?
Yeah.
Wow.
[ Scoffs ]
What--
Thank you, garçon.
Ladies.
-So, what's the best position? -No, no, no.
What's the best sequence of positions, you know?
The key to making love to a woman is not the positions,
it's the clitoris, it's the hot button to a woman,
it's the jewel.
The diamond, rarr!
You guys know where to find the diamond, right?
[ Laughs ] Yeah.
Of course we do.
What do we look like, cavemen?
MAN: You smell like sex.
Are you sure you know how to kiss?
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
That's the one thing I do know how to do well.
-Then prove it. -What?
Yeah, Layne. Prove it.
You are my brother for life. I'm doin' this for you.
-Make me proud. -Yes sir.
Well, well, well, well, well. Well, well, well.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, let me start the fires.
God damn it.
NOMI: Whoo-hoo!
[ Crash ]
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Is her arm broken?
[ Moaning ]
Oh. Oh, you are so sexy.
Soft kissing.
I love you.
Oh, God, you're making me so hot.
Sensual touch.
Oh. Oh, you're so beautiful.
-You're turning me on, bitch. -What?
No, nothing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
Ow, you're on my hair.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
What? Are you singing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[ Moans ]
Okay.
Very nice. Very nice.
Both parties satisfied.
Wow. Wow.
That was great.
Right, didn't you think?
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Rose has a great body.
You know, she's got the ass, the legs, the boobs.
Oh, I love those breasts.
Ow.
You know, they're like unicorns.
You know, just unreal.
But so real.
A woman's body has a lot of erogenous zones.
What do you mean?
It means that I'm sensitive in more places on my body
than just my breasts.
Oh. Well, I knew that. Come on, baby.
My neck, the small of my back,
and on the sides of my hips right there by the V.
That's my favorite.
My knees, my wrists.
And that little place between my thighs.
INTERVIEWER: And how often do you orgasm?
-Um, sometimes. -AIways.
Sometimes?
All the time.
Thank you. That's more like it.
I masturbate when I'm alone.
What?
God, can you feel my muscles getting bigger?
I can see your muscles. I can see your muscles growing.
You seem angry. Are you okay? You happy?
Yes, of course I'm happy.
It's just, you know, sometimes Andy can be a little--
-Emotionally unsatisfying? -Yes.
I mean, no. Am I a terrible person?
No, you're not a terrible person. Lauren, it's how you feel.
I mean, the important thing's you love this guy, right?
Right.
Double punch!
Jesus Christ.
And that little dick loves you, right?
Right. I think.
Well, has he told you he loves you?
All right.
I will punch him in the face if you have one single doubt.
I don't have doubts. Why would you say that?
All right. A minute? All right, here we go.
-She's not sure, man. -Just focus on that.
Pretend that's your dad.
Listen, okay, first of all, you don't even think this guy's the one.
You said it.
And second of all, you're not even sure if he Ioves you.
Let me give him a fist rocket to the face, pIease.
Okay, well, let's just say, for argument's sake,
that maybe I have one or two doubts.
Or two, okay.
-What would I do to get rid of them? -Fist rocket!
[ Screams ]
Fuck!
I swore.
First, you gotta go out with someone as a test.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone with a bunch of money.
Double punch!
Someone you could theoretically see yourself dating or marrying.
That is terrible!
It's not even terrible. I'm not asking you to bone this guy.
Bone the guy. Who are you kidding?
Oh, my God!
Listen. Go out with the guy, right. Have a drink.
Guys, no, I can't. That's too drastic.
-Is it? -Yes.
All right, let's see it.
-All right, ready? -Uh-huh.
Heat.
-That one hurt a little. -Yeah, it looked like it hurt.
I just wanna be where you are tonight
Alone in the dark looking for some light
Hey, Doug, I think my left nut just got hard.
Look at the--
Ooh, look at the knockers on this bitch.
Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me tell you why
I would die for you
LAYNE: What up, man? What's wrong?
She magged me.
She what?
Right after sex, she read a magazine.
Oh, man, fuck my ass. Are you serious?
It's worse than I thought.
Okay, wait a minute, was this the first time?
I think so. I don't know. I usually fall asleep so fast.
What do you mean, you fall asleep so fast?
-I just, I do it, and then I'm out.
Well, I understand that. But that's not the point, man.
We still have hope, here.
Did you learn anything from the lesbians and porn stars?
-Just run it back with me. -Yeah, I thought so.
I did the sensual kissing. The full-body caressing.
The vocalizing.
Afterplay?
Yeah, there was no point. Look--
What do you mean, there was no point?
She was reading a magazine. Look, I don't wanna talk about this.
Listen, let's bring it together, Let's bring it together.
Did you at least stimulate her flower, her special place?
Stop that.
Look, yeah, I did.
I moved my hand down there sort of like on a scouting mission.
She moved it away.
-She-- She sent back your scout? -She sent back my scout!
What the fuck?!
Hey, what's up, Andy?
I can't help but overhear your situation in here.
Yeah. Hey, Ryan, what's up, man? I'm sorry about all the commotion.
No problem, dude. I'm just trying to record a song here, but. . .
Are you?
Look, man, do you know what you're looking for?
What do you mean?
I mean, do you know how to find a diamond?
Yeah, I know how to find a diamond, man.
No, dude. Look, just admit it.
Your scout's getting turned away at the gate.
Maybe I'm just a little off target.
Dude, you're making this so much harder than it needs to be.
You're not taking your fucking SATs here.
I know. It's a lot harder.
On the SATs, you just fill in a circle with a pencil.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing here!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hey, listen, listen, Dr. Ryan, thank you very much. I got this now.
Thank you. Record your song. Thank you.
Listen, man, don't worry about that, man.
Look, I'm gonna call my mom's OB guy right now,
because we are gonna find ourselves a five-carat Cartier solitaire.
Where's my high-five?
-Dr. Katz? -Can I help you?
Yes. Layne Wilson.
Judith WiIson's son? I--
Oh, yes.
The last time I saw you, you were only. . .
Yeah, I was a cute little kid, man.
You know, when we first delivered you,
we weren't sure if you were a boy or a girl.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, girly man.
All right. Now, how can I help you two gentlemen?
Since you've probably seen quite a few. . . girl parts,
is where I might find the. . .
The hooded lady.
The clit?
Yes.
Then you've come to the right place.
Oh, shit.
These are the labium maus.
These are the labium minus.
And this here is the clitoris.
All this time.
Never seen one before?
I mean, I've seen that one, so. . .
Yeah, but he's not talking about the chart, Andy.
Now why is it there? Why not lower?
There are literally thousands of nerves
all ending right here.
Yeah. The weak spot on the Death Star.
Hey, Doc, I also wanted to ask you about longevity.
Um, I'm not exactly an expert on that subect.
God knows I used to have an--
A problem?
Not a problem, per se.
-Now you don't. -No more probIem.
Well, what did you do?
We don't have sex anymore.
I have a body pillow that I pretend is her sister.
[ Laughs ]
-Uh, you wanna go? -I'm good to go.
I'm good-- Thank you.
Je t'aime, Lauren. Marry me.
No, I will not marry you.
You didn't even remember our anniversary.
[ Clears throat ]
Hi, Curtis.
-Busy? -No, of course not.
[ Laughs nervously ]
Um, so the Clark Building is coming along really great.
Everything you do is great.
Oh, thanks.
Which is why I'm promoting you
to the director of the Chicago office. Boom.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
I don't even know what to say.
Yes. Yes.
Big raise, company car,
and you'll be on the fast track to partner. What do you say?
Can I have a few days to think about it?
[ Groans ]
Ooh, Lauren, w--
[ Laughs ]
I'm just kidding. You have two days.
But off the record, for a woman your age,
this is the chance of a lifetime.
Thank you.
And you didn't have to sleep with anyone.
Hey, DanieI.
-He's the coolest. -Curtis.
What's up, D-dog?
[ Barks ]
Oh, man. Love this guy.
Lauren, meet Daniel. He's here for the week.
-Lauren? -Oh, my God.
Danny Meltzer, are you kidding me?
You know each other?
Our parents are friends in Irvine. We practically grew up together.
How are you? Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
I always wonder what happened to you.
You Iook. . . thinner.
-You look amazing. -Thank you.
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since you left for college.
I was in the 8th grade, and my heart was broken.
Aw.
We should catch up. Let's go get a drink.
I would love to.
Dinner is on me.
Okay. Focus, please? All right.
You two might see more of each other, all right?
Daniel is based in Chicago.
And I don't see a ring on that finger, player.
Hook it up.
[ Barks ]
-Curtis. Curtis. -He's the coolest!
-He's the coolest, man! -Curtis.
Love those pecks!
What's wrong with me, Layne?
Oh, wow, that's gonna take a long time.
Do you want a list?
I'm just saying, I've got a runner on third, and I can't get him home.
'Cause it's hard, Andy.
I mean, if it was easy, we'd all be in the pros
knocking home runs like we Barry Bonds.
I can't lose her.
I mean, Lauren is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Oh, so you really do love her?
Yeah.
Absolutely. You couIdn't tell?
No. I mean, I've never heard you say it.
I guess I'm just not that kind of guy, you know?
I've never heard my dad say it to my mom,
but they've been married for like 30 years.
Wow.
You know, recently I've been thinking about--
-What, the porn stars? -No.
-The lesbians? -No.
What?
I'm thinking about asking Lauren to marry me.
-Are you serious? -Yeah, I'm serious.
Man, Lauren is the one.
The one?
How the hell do you know she's the one?
Remember when we were at Ford's barbecue,
when I ate like three brownies
and nobody told me they were pot brownies?
And you spaced out.
Remember I got all scared,
I thought the hedges were gonna come kill me?
I hid in the cIoset.
Lauren comes into that closet with a golf club,
declares herself protector of the closet.
She sat in there with me for like two hours.
She took care of me.
And now my only goal in this world is to take care of her.
Wow.
That's. . .
. . .fuckin' pathetic.
You don't like this idea?
You're not into this? I thought you liked Lauren.
I do like Lauren. Look.
My problem is, I don't think guys should be settling down.
It's unnatural. I mean lions, tigers, monkeys--
Did you ever notice in the animal kingdom
that none of them are monogamous?
They're all boning and fucking each other off.
But humans, we wanna put ourselves in this littIe box,
this little, tiny box,
'cause marriage, that's all there is, man.
It's a fuckin' prison. I'm bIack. I don't like prison.
Well, what do you believe in, Layne?
Friendship.
Come on, Andy, you can't tell me you haven't had fun
the past few days.
It's been like old times, man.
Love just doesn't last.
I mean, take it from my dad.
I mean, it broke him in two
when my mom left him for that. . . paperboy.
It is surprisingly difficult to hit a porch from a moving bicycle.
That hurts, man.
That guy had skills, is all I'm saying.
Man, fuck you, man. That shit still hurts.
Is he younger than you?
-Oh, my God, man. Shut up! -I'm just sayin'.
Man, shut up. Don't even talk to me.
-Timmy, right? -Fuck you!
-It's Timmy. -Hey! Who wants to be my friend?!
-Come on. -Hey, what are we doing here?
'Cause I heard once that Sting was able to keep an erection
for more than five days
because he's got some Buddhist mind control.
I don't want a five-day erection. That'd hurt.
I sleep on my belly. I can't sleep on my back.
Oh, would you stop bitchin'?
[ Meditation music pIays ]
[ Humming ]
Excuse me, Sifu,
is it true that you can make love for a really long time?
I seem to be getting there early.
You arrive at the party first?
You could say that I eat all the hors d'oeuvres
and pass out with my shoes on
while they're still blowing up balloons and hanging streamers.
Buddhism is not taught for that specific purpose.
But I beIieve I can help.
Thank you, Sifu.
Sex is the ultimate expression of life force.
It combines mind, body, and emotion.
But the mind is the key.
It controls desire, emotions,
your erection, your penis.
Now, close your eyes.
Empty your mind of all thoughts.
If a thought comes into your mind, gently usher it out.
What if the thought, you know, has, like, relly nice-ass titties and--
Out, damned spot!
Out!
[ Groans ]
[ Chuckles ]
Open your eyes.
This is called meditation.
Practice it often.
It will make your mind grow in control.
-And by ''in control,'' you mean-- -Yes.
Then you can arrive at the party any time.
[ Laughs ]
And what if that doesn't work?
Try taking a shit.
That will be $50, please.
Did we miss it?
You missed it, causing me to miss it, yes.
I was meditating, and I lost track of time.
Meditating? You always have some excuse.
And it's endearing?
And it's annoying.
Look, let's just go back to my place, we'll rent a movie.
Let me make it up to you.
-I have a headache. -What, you have a headache?
-That's what I said. -Yeah, but you never get headaches.
Well, congratulations, you've given me a headache.
Now you get to deal with an extra-grumpy girlfriend.
Yeah, look, Lauren.
-Lauren. -What?
I am very sorry.
I know that you hate to wait.
You make it seem like it's my fault.
Hello. I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, but you phrased it in a way
that suggests that the reason I'm mad is because of me.
I'm sorry that I phrase it in a way that you don't find genuine?
You're doing it again.
Well, I'm sorry that I can't apologize in a way that you find acceptabIe.
Look, sweetie, baby rabbit, we're gonna rent a movie.
We're gonna have a great night.
We'll make a pizza. You wanna make a pizza?
Who doesn't like to make a pizza at home?
When I first met Gil it was after one of his shows,
and he was sweaty and smelly and very, very sexy.
The sex with Nanette at first was off the charts.
I mean, I was at the top of my game.
What I was doing is I was just picturing myseIf as her.
And then I would just make love to her
the way I'd want to make love to myself.
I started to realize that it wasn't just after his shows, you know?
He always smelled that bad.
You know, I'm not used to being dumped.
I mean, look at me. I didn't ask for all these gifts.
It's just-- I'm a treat.
I'm in a band, I sing, I'm handsome.
I got a bike, I got this cowboy fashion thing going on,
a little Easy Rider.
I mean, I can cook a quesadilla while I make love.
I mean, that's focus.
He could stink so bad it makes my eyes tear.
Her eyes would tear. I mean, it was crazy.
I mean, that's what I'm packing.
I mean, she made it seem like it may have been the underwear,
but it's not what you're wearing, it's what's inside it.
You know, it's about your heart and your balls.
And then he actually expects me to have physical contact with him?
You know, part of me, like, in my loins. . .
I think she might be seeing someone else
because it tingles sometimes.
I started seeing someone else a couple of months ago.
[ Laughs ]
INTERVIEWER: Tell us about him.
What can I say?
He just really knows how to treat a woman.
-Hello. -This guy?
You see, you chose this guy over me?
This guy? Are you crazy?
I mean, look at my hair. You know?
Curtis satisfies me in ways that you could never even imagine.
[ Giggles ]
And wash your balls.
I'll wash one. I'm not gonna just jump into things.
[ Rock music plays ]
Didn't your Dad drive through the guest house?
Not the guest house.
The fence, a couple of times. It was mostly the side patio.
Yeah, he has a problem with depth perception in general.
You know, I actually really miss
those family vacations we used to take.
Except for the car rides. Those were torture.
Remember that time we all went skiing that one year?
And I hurt my knee.
And I had to carry you, what, half a mile to the lodge?
-I have something to confess. -What?
Um, my knee might not have been as hurt as I said.
Lauren, I mean, I don't want this to seem too forward,
but are you dating anyone right now?
Yeah.
I knew that. I mean, God's not that kind, is he?
Oh, shut up, Dan. You probably have tons of girlfriends.
Not even a pound.
I don't buy it for a second.
You're probably a player.
No, I think I just wanna find the right person.
You know, get married, start a famiIy.
Me too.
I mean, not that I haven't.
So this guy, your boyfriend--
Andy is his name.
Andy. Hmm.
Does he take care of you?
Hello?
Hi.
How may I help you?
Do you have any books on women?
What specifically about them?
[ Chuckles ]
Um, something like. . . how to make love to a woman?
Ohh. . . okay.
Let me just check for you.
Sure.
-[ Yells ] : Nanette! -Yeah?
Do we happen to have any books
about how to make love to a woman?
How to what?
Make love to a woman.
How to make love to a woman.
Um, hang on, let me check.
Okay.
[ Whispers ] : She's just gonna check for you.
I feel like you think this is for me, but it's not.
It's for somebody else.
Nope, no books on how to make love to a woman. Sorry.
Oh, no problem. I'll just get my friend something eIse.
Or maybe I'll, you know, I'll write down some of my own techniques
and I'll just give those to him.
It's no big deal. No big deal.
Maybe I'll just get a pen and some paper.
Over here? Good.
Hey, buddy.
I hear ya on the woman thing.
I think I can help. I know a thing or two.
Hey, look, I'm really-- I'm fine with information.
-No, and -- and I've been there, too. -No, thank you.
Oils.
-Hear me out. Flavored oils. -LAUREN: No, that's not true.
Now, I know we've all been there, lube it up, have a great time.
But what I'm talking about is another level.
Hey, so what's Andy like?
He's very sweet.
-And it combines that. . . -He's funny.
. . .that taste, the tingle on the tongue with the tingle down there. . .
I know he would never do anything to hurt me.
Sounds like a puppy.
[ Laughs ]
Yes, exactly, he's like a puppy. Only not as cute.
It's the kind of thing that they pass down in tribes
-for years and years. . . -No, he's cute.
What you need to realize, though, is that, you know, most women,
they may say they want connection,
they wanna get hit like a sack of potatoes.
You guys ever talk about getting married?
No, not really.
Does that bother you?
No.
Okay, a little.
Why don't you just talk to him about it?
Well, I don't wanna seem too pushy.
My mother was pushy, and look what happened.
So you really think he's the one?
I guess I have my doubts.
Well, I don't see it, 'cause it's really obscure.
-And it doesn't exist. -It does exist.
I'm telling you.
Where do you wanna go?
They don't let you sleep here, I don't think.
I know they don't.
Just letting you know.
But it's the best line I've ever waited in
I can still hear voices and a bottle spin
Yes, oh, yes
Hi.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
Congratulations, Andy. I heard about your big decision.
-What decision? -You're getting married.
I'm not getting married.
Of course you are. You're in love.
She doesn't think I'm the one.
What are you talking about?
She said so, tonight, at a bookstore.
I overheard her talking to some guy.
Who?
Some guy she's probably sleeping with.
Some guy who could probably satisfy her in bed.
-What a bitch. -Don't say that, Layne.
Why not, Nomi?
Andy's the most devoted boyfriend in the world.
Why would she do that? That's not love.
Are you sure you know what you heard?
Okay, maybe it was out of context.
Oh, my God, Nomi, he's not stupid.
And why are you defending her? You hate her.
You hate Lauren?
-Despise. -I don't hate Lauren.
Okay, I don't really like her, but I don't hate her.
You don't like Lauren?
I just-- I don't think she's right for you, Andy.
Layne's the one who thinks she's changed you.
Oh, you think I've changed?
When I met you, you had a Hawaiian shirt and a mustache.
You looked like a black Magnum P.I.
Okay, first of all, that was a look, and I look more like T.C.
You're no T.C.
[ Laughs ]
You wanna go? Fine.
Yes, you've changed.
Really? How?
You're flaky, you dress bad,
everything you do now has to be cleared.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm just saying,
you Ieased out your man souI for a guaranteed Iousy Iay in bed
once a week.
You're not a dude anymore, okay?
Well, okay. Clearly, I don't need this.
Oh, oh, what? What, so you can dish it out, but you can't take it?
Look, I got somebody who cares about me now, Layne, all right?
I'm sorry if that stings a little.
And I dress fucking awesome!
Who's going to the Lethal Weapon parties with me now?!
I gotta find me a new white boy.
-There's lots of them. -That shit ain't easy!
What's up, man? What's your name?
[ Door opens ]
Hi.
Where have you been?
I was at a show. Where have you been?
Well, I've been here, waiting as usual.
Hmm.
But before that, what'd you do tonight?
Nothing.
-I saw you with that guy, Lauren. -You mean with--
I heard what you said.
I'm not the one?
I didn't say that.
I said that I had doubts.
Sweet. Thanks.
Makes me feel a whole lot better.
Who is this new Joe Stud?
He's just a colleague.
He's in town from Chicago, and we decided--
Why'd you lie to me?
[ Scoffs ]
I didn't lie.
I wasn't on a date, Andy. I didn't do anything wrong.
Besides, you don't hear me going crazy
every time you're out with Nomi.
Are you lying now?
[ Scoffs ]
I can't even believe you just said that.
Is this because of the, you know. . .
because I've been making big changes. I'm really trying.
Oh, but are you really?
Of course I am.
And it's not as easy as you might think.
It's actually quite difficult.
Oh, so now you're blaming me.
Let's just say you're not the easiest woman to pIease.
So I can't do anything right, can I?
What do you want from me?
Don't answer that, 'cause I already know.
Curtis offered me a job in Chicago.
And I'm thinking about taking it.
What?
Fine.
Take it.
Andy, come on.
Really?
Have fun.
You know, Chicago has really cold winters.
You take it.
Andy!
[ Door slams shut ]
[ Sobs ]
Tell me what you're thinking, baby
As my hand is touching yours
It may have been an accident
Or maybe it's what I was reaching for
Once you hit the five stars, it's pretty much impossibIe.
I jump in the water,
get, you know, blown up by the hull.
Tomorrow I'll forget
What drove me to this paper
Jenna Jameson?
But I'll use it anyway
TONY: I don't know what I'm taIkin' about?
Hey, go get my frickin' chips!
Shove it, Tony! Shove it!
Thank you.
[ Children yelling in the background ]
Give me a bottle of that magicness over there.
What's your excuse?
Girlfriend fight. You?
What, you didn't see the caravan of Snack Packs
and size fours roll in?
I did, actually. They're beautiful.
[ Scoffs ]
You must've had a few fights in your day.
I've won a coupIe.
I'll sell that horse for gas if you don't stop right now.
Stay over here and put that gas pump back!
You're gonna blow us all up!
Can I give you some advice?
Please.
Good communication skills are the key to any relationship.
You said that in James Bondage, didn't you?
Those are words to live by.
I mean, Tony and I. . .
we say it like we really feel.
Hey, who's this guy?
I feel jealous.
I will cut you in the face if you make a probIem.
He's a nice guy. He's having a rough night.
Oh. Dang.
See? By simply saying what you feel --
I mean, really feel --
that's how you don't cloud the issue.
Oh, I definitely didn't say what I really meant tonight.
CouId I suggest something?
Maybe a bottle of wine and then an apology.
Not my beer?
Get your asses in the car or Jesus doesn't love you.
CHILDREN: Not Jesus! No, no, no!
[ Car door closes ]
Good luck, Andy.
Thanks, Jenna.
[ ''Keep Us'' by Peter BradIey Adams pIays ]
Lauren?
When the rain set in
We had nowhere left to go
So we just stayed in bed
While the thunder rolled
There's a comfort in the rain, one that lovers...
And then he just kind of, like, blew up at me.
[ Exhales ]
He--
He told me to take the job in Chicago.
Like he doesn't even care!
Honey, of course he doesn't care.
He's just like the rest of the heartless,
reproducing machines out there.
I mean, he should be here right now begging you to stay.
Not throwing fits like some sort of baby-child.
I mean, Lauren, you cannot hold this guy's hand
through every hiccup in your relationship.
Well, I know this, but you know, then part of me wonders
if he does really care, then. . .
I'd be throwing away everything that I love about him.
So? That can't be very much.
I'm gonna punch that little piece of shit in the Adam's appIe.
-Please. -I will.
Honey, you going to Chicago
could be the best thing that happens for the both of you, okay?
And you're still gonna visit all the time
because your parents are so close, right?
Yeah.
Or you could just string him aIong endlessly
and make other commitments on the side.
That's what I do.
I'm thinking that maybe that's not the best advice in the situation.
Lauren, you know what's right in your heart. You gotta go.
Oh, God, I wanna throw up.
-Oh, let it out. Let it out. -Don't puke.
[ ''Sunday Drive'' by The Early November plays ]
And we wait above a road
We're turning to go home
And the silence from the side of the car
Nomi and Layne called to apologize again.
When'd you talk to those jerk faces?
Just now. I'm all out of paper, though.
Been writing lyrics for my side proect.
It's probably gonna be worth it if I can make a load of cash. . .
as soon as you give me a record deal.
We'll talk later.
[ Dial tone ]
[ Telephone rings ]
-Hello. -Is Lauren home?
Oh, you know what? You just missed her.
She went home to get away from her jerk boyfriend.
Wait, who is this?
Is that that little douche bag that has a blind date with my right shin?
Thanks.
Oh, was that your mom?
And I wonder if I'm alone
-Hey, Mom? -Mm-hmm.
Why did you and Dad split up?
Because I kicked his lazy ass out. That's why.
Yeah, but why?
I guess I just wasn't sure that I was in love with him anymore.
And he was lazy.
Well, what made you change your mind?
Found out I couldn't live without him.
Because he's the one?
No.
'Cause I love him.
Relationships go through all kinds of peaks and valleys, Lauren.
And there is no ''one.''
Unless you're counting the one in the back of your imagination.
Here's what I think.
I think you find the right person that you wanna build a life with,
and then you make that person the perfect one for you.
[ Crash ]
Goddamnit! Damn it! Lawn mower's got a mind of its own!
And you try real hard.
MR. BAKER: Goddamnit!
[ Doorbell rings ]
Andy! Hey, good to see you.
Hey, Dad.
Good to see ya. Come on in.
Yeah.
Grandpa, how ya doin'?
Yeah, the hemorrhoids are humping like rabbits.
-Ah. Unfortunate. -Yeah.
-How's everything? -Oh, yeah, everything's great.
-I was just in the neighborhood. -Good.
-MRS. CONNERS: Is that Andy? -Hey.
Mom, Andy's home!
-Oh, hi, honey. -Hey, Mom.
Did you get those teeth-whitening strips I sent you?
Yes, I got everything. Thank you so much.
-Hey, Gram. -Where's Lauren?
She went to Irvine.
Shoot. I like her, Andy.
Yeah. I like her, too.
-When you gonna pop the question? -Whoa.
Yeah. I don't know.
God, you're handsome.
If I weren't your grandmother,
I might get carried away after a six-pack.
Grandma!
Take it easy.
Have you said hi to Scott yet?
The bastard child?
It's true. He's not my son.
He's in his room.
You've always been such a good influence on him.
He's really nervous about a little date of his own tonight.
Would you go?
Yeah, I'll go talk to him.
Dinner in five minutes.
-Pot roast. -Come on, Mom.
Hey, little bro.
What's up, baby? What's crackin'? Thanks for the tickets.
Oh, not a problem. Who you takin'?
Barbie.
Barbie? Is that your girlfriend?
Let's just say we party.
Nice.
Hey, Scott.
Have you ever--
-You know, I mean, have you-- -Fucked?
Yeah.
It's-- It's kinda my specialty.
I'm not playing T-ball anymore, you know?
Well, let me ask you something.
Have you ever had a problem with. . .
. . .arriving early?
No. No.
But I take it you have.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Ever tried the hammer-of-Thor grip?
The what of who?
Hammer of Thor.
If you're about to crash the party, just grab the e-brake and pull.
Don't use it too often, though.
She'll lose everything she's been building up.
-And there's the pre-date. -Pre-date?
Come on, Andy.
30 minutes before you party, have a little pre-party.
That, combined with a lot of foreplay,
some sensual kissing,
and a little afterplay cunnilingus, that should do the trick.
-Afterplay cunnilingus? -Yeah.
That's like putting your mouth where your dick just was.
You're essentially giving yourself a blowjob.
If only, Andy. If only.
All right, listen up.
A good way to think about it
is like it's a ride, not a race, you know?
Once you get your motor started, you just gotta ease it into first
and cruise for a while.
And then after you hear her go like this. . .
[ Moans ]
. . .just push in the clutch and shift her into second.
I don't want-- I'd rather not Iook, but I get it.
When you hear her go. . .
[ Gasps ]
. . .just throw it into third and go like this.
But then if you hear her go like this. . .
[ Screams ]
. . .just floor it and count to 300.
Aaaahhhh!
AII right. Scotty, Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.
What if I'm--
What if I don't make it to 300?
What if I can only count to, like, six?
Holy shit, six?
100 will get her to Orlando.
300 will get her there and back.
Six will get you a bad attitude the next day.
All right. That made me hungry.
Let's eat.
I've got a 9:00 with Barbie and her sister. Know what I mean?
Andy, did you know that Scotty has a girlfriend?
-Barbie, right? -That's right.
-Did you kiss her yet? -Aw, come on, Dad.
What were you two talking about back there? I heard noises.
Oh, yeah. Andy can't get Lauren to climax in bed.
-Whoa. -Oh, honey.
Are you taking your vitamins?
Scott, aren't you supposed to meet someone about now?
Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.
Can I have money?
[ Sighs ]
Just make sure that you're home by midnight.
Pops, I promise I will be in bed by midnight.
300.
So, are you impotent or something?
Does your pecker work at all?
Yes. Yes, it works. It works like crazy.
It's awesome.
Good.
Do -- do you mix things up a little? Show her some variety?
Yeah.
Gotta be spontaneous. We used to do it in your room.
No.
And you have to know her fantasies.
You know, like pirate and slave girl.
[ Pirate impression ] : Ar, you're mine now, you brown beauty.
I got ya.
Do you do foreplay?
Grandma. . .
Yes, I do foreplay.
But do you go down on her?
Mother!
Hey, you wanna get to Vegas, you gotta cross the desert, son.
Since when did everyone in this family
turn into some kind of sex expert?
We got cable last month.
[ Laughter ]
You have to find out what Lauren enoys,
what she wants.
When did you last tell her that you loved her?
Well, never.
What?
Andy, women need to hear those magic words.
There's your problem.
Well, I've never heard Dad say it.
That's the last thing he says to me every night.
Really?
I --
I never realized.
Do you love her?
Yeah. I really do.
You gotta tell her.
Forget everything else. That's the most important thing of all.
When I get back, I'll take her somewhere really nice and I'll--
Now, Andy.
Now.
Daniel.
Can Lauren come out to play?
What are you doing here?
Curtis said you'd be visiting your parents.
He did, did he?
He wants me to convince you to take the Chicago job.
So here.
Wow.
-Plane tickets. -Mm-hmm.
Can I talk you into a glass of wine? We'll celebrate?
I don't know if I should.
I know a great little Italian spot just right down the road.
Are you forgetting that I grew up here, too?
Come on.
No, I shouldn't.
Why?
Andy and I are fighting.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
That's a bummer.
Wait, these are plane tickets, and you act like it's not a big deal.
Well, it's not.
Really. I mean, these are just pieces of paper.
The actual flying part is the big deal.
Right.
Come on, one little glass of wine.
A half-- a little, itsy-bitsy, tiny glass of wine.
Okay, but just one.
Just one. Well, that-- yeah, that's what I said.
I am desperate and lonely
You're the only one for me
I know I'm pathetic
One day I'll regret this
You've got me now
[ Speed diaI ]
Hi, you've reached Lauren.
I'm away from my phone right now, but if you leave a message I'll--
[ Hangs up ]
Oh, hello, Andy.
Hello, Mrs. Baker.
-What brings you here? -Lauren.
She's not answering my calls,
and we kind of had this little, tiny fight.
-May I speak with her? -She went downtown.
Do you know where downtown?
-No, honey, she went with a friend. -And which friend was that?
-Daniel. -Oh.
Would you like to come in and wait?
I can't chat right now, Mrs. Baker. I'm sorry.
I'm in love with your daughter. Kinda busy.
Sorry 'bout your flowers.
So just, you know, hearing about this beautiful, talented Lauren --
Lauren this, Lauren that, you know.
And when Curtis called me down to meet you,
I just walked up, and I just --
In a million years, I would've never, you know, thought that it was you.
Lauren.
What?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
You know, we're not doing anything wrong here.
No, no, I know.
So what're you thinking about?
Andy.
He's the one.
I mean, right now he's sort of like a half.
But hopefully, in a few years, he'll be a one.
You sure?
So, I guess that means you're not coming to Chicago?
I guess not. I'm sorry.
I hope I'm as lucky as Andy is some day.
I think you will be.
You think?
Yeah, definitely.
Well, here's to true love.
Even if you have doubts at first.
[ Cell phone vibrates ]
It's Curtis.
So I guess I'm gonna go out there
and tell him that you're staying in L.A.?
Oh, he's not gonna be happy.
Andy. What are you doing here?
Mmm, I Iove the bread.
What are you doing here? You don't love bread.
I'm just here with a friend.
What's wrong?
-I hope I'm not interrupting. -No, of course not.
In fact, I'm actuaIIy really glad you're here.
Yeah, I'm really glad to be here, too. Now you can tell me the truth.
Truth about what?
About Daniel, this prick you're here with.
No, we're not here together.
He's just a family friend.
Oh. Now he's a family friend. I thought he was a colleague.
Yeah, he's both.
He grew up a block away from my parents.
I've known him since I was 10.
And last night he just happened to be in L.A.,
and tonight he just happens to be in Irvine?
Yes.
Stop lying to me!
-I'm not lying!
How could you do this behind my back?
Have you slept with him already?
I'm not cheating on you.
Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, sir?
I'm sorry that I can't satisfy you, okay?
I'm sorry that I'm so inadequate in bed
that my wiener and all its shortcomings
have driven you to this huge boner that you've known since you were 10.
Just let me know if you change your mind.
Andy, you need to calm down right now.
It's never been about that.
All right, fine, it doesn't help, but. . . .
It's about you not being there for me emotionally.
I have always been there for you emotionally.
I live there emotionally, in a nice big house
with rows of pretty flowers out front.
You never even said you loved me.
Oh, but Daniel will. He'll probabIy tell you next week, right?
And then you guys can go off and have babies,
and you can send me e-mails and tell me all about your babies.
WeII, guess what, Lauren?
I don't give a damn about you and your stupid babies.
You know what really gets me?
I had no doubt you were the girl
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And now I know you never were that girl.
[ Exhales ]
Is that really how you feel?
Yeah.
[ Sobbing ]
-Lauren? Lauren? -Oh.
Hey, prickstain, take a walk?
-Lauren, you okay? -What's it to you?
-Do you not hear me? -She's my friend, Andy.
And I don't like to see her embarrassed in pubIic.
Daniel, will you pIease take me home?
Absolutely.
Lauren, please, let me take you home.
I'll take you home. I'm sorry.
Good-bye, Andy.
[ Knocking on door ]
I'm busy.
[ knocking continues ]
Okay, enough with the knocking!
Hi.
Oh. How was the future?
You look like you slept under a donkey.
Yeah, right after you kissed that donkey
and its two donkey friends.
Can we come in?
So, where were you last night?
[ Sighs ]
I went to Irvine.
What, to taIk to Lauren?
Yeah, to see Lauren. Why do you ask?
Wondering what method she used to try to change me?
Wow. Dude, that is so--
Okay.
I'm sorry, Andy.
I'm really sorry about that.
But I've been thinking a lot recently and. . .
I've realized, I'm not upset with Lauren, I'm upset with you.
-Me? -Yeah, you.
Why are you mad at me?
Because you've totally disappeared on me.
We used to be best friends,
and now I hardly even see you anymore.
The only time you even talk to me is when you need help.
You see me.
I mean, just because we don't see each other all the time,
that doesn't mean we're not friends.
Whatever happens is gonna happen,
but no matter what, I will always consider you a brother.
And not like a brother.
-I mean, I do. I know what's up. -Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what's up.
AII right, brother, I'll catch you Iater.
CooI.
I'll see you in the car.
Waking up on Sunday morning
Finding over last night's indulgences
'Cause every time I've cried and tried to hide away my feelings
It makes me sick
'Cause it's just a game that we play
And in the dark it all just goes away
'Cause I'm trying to forget
'Cause I know things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
Lauren.
She here?
Nope.
-Where is she? -She's gone, man.
-Gone? Gone where? -Listen, if Lauren didn't tell you--
Then why the hell should we tell you, asshole?
Why shouldn't we just punch you in the stomach!
-Awesome. -I did it.
That was awesome.
-That was awesome. -Because I love her, okay?
Paint it on a wall somewhere in big red letters.
Please, I'm begging you.
I can't lose her.
I mean, she's probably already at the airport, okay?
She's catching a flight to Chicago.
-Now? -No, in 45 minutes.
She's leaving out of Long Beach.
I mean, you could've told me that you loved her.
I wouldn't've punched you like that.
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
I'm trying to forget
'Cause I know things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
In me
[ Cheers and applause ]
Excuse me, sir, you can't park there.
Sir. Sir!
-I need a ticket. -Where to?
-Chicago. I need a ticket to Chicago. -Okay.
Um.
Oh.
I'm sorry, there are no more flights to Chicago tonight.
Did one just leave?
Yes, it took off about 10 minutes ago.
So, it's-- it's gone?
Well, it's not here, so I would assume it's in the air, sir.
-To Chicago? -Yes.
With Danny.
Excuse me?
[ Thunder ]
[ Plane departs ]
I'm so sorry.
You should be.
I have never wanted anything as much as I want this.
If I had wings, I would have flown after that plane.
You're my whole life.
And I know that in the past I might have taken that for granted.
But I don't know what I wouId do without you.
Do you think that you couId give me just one more chance?
Just one more.
I Iove you, Lauren.
I do. I really love you.
Andy, it's too late.
I'm sorry it took me so long.
No, you don't understand.
It's too late.
I don't wanna be with Daniel.
And I don't wanna leave my family and my friends so far away,
but, Andy, I realized something.
I deserve so much better than you.
Lauren, are you serious?
You just never cared enough.
Lauren.
Oh.
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
Andy, you asshole!
I was just joking.
Did I take it too far?
I'm never letting go of you. You're not joking again, are you?
No.
Good.
Because that would be a terribIe joke.
I don't even know if it was funny the first time.
I can't let you back in that easy, can I?
Absolutely not. I deserved it.
Lauren, I'm so sorry.
I just got scared, and the thought of you leaving made me crazy.
I'm not leaving you.
Sometimes you can be a littIe slow, but I can handle that.
Sometimes I'm a little anxious.
I need you. You're the protector of my cIoset.
Say you're not leaving me just one more time.
I Iove you, Andy. I'm not leaving you.
But do you think I could ever learn how to take care of you?
I mean, really take care of you?
That depends. Where are you taking me tonight?
How about we get in that cab?
Oh, my God, it rained all the way into the cab.
And they took my car.
[ Moaning ]
I love you, Lauren.
I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say
Make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
The first time I slept with Lauren, I thought I was great,
but I really wasn't.
I mean, I wasn't bad-bad,
but I was more like, you know, a five.
Um. . .
Right?
-Mmm, more like a three. -What?
Okay, like three halves.
That's one and a half. That's even worse.
Well, you got better. He got a lot better.
And now I'm like a 10.
Okay. Let's not get carried away.
Okay. I can live with a 9.5. That's cool.
[ Interviewer clears throat ]
[ Clears throat again ]
Not bad for garlic breath.
Well, it was that or burp, and that's sort of your thing.
Okay, so when we first started, maybe I wasn't a perfect 10 either.
And what changed?
I found the diamond.
I'm ready, so don't come
How to make love to a woman.
[ Phone rings ]
Watch this.
Hello?
Hey. Yeah--
No, I told you, just come over, we'll just spoon.
Okay, see you tonight.
Taking a deep breath, feeling good about yourself,
Lube, some lesbians, and a cattle prod.
I keep my pants on.
You know, a lot of people wanna be naked.
Just wear some clothes in case of fire. It's about safety.
You don't wanna be making love naked,
house catches on fire,
you run outside and you get embarrassed.
I'm wearing what I'm taking.
I like guys, so, I don't know. Um. . .
How to make love to a woman?
I think Oreo-cookie mouth,
don't brush your teeth for a couple days.
Give it to her good.
Then no cuddling, no loving, just leave,
because that's what we want. Just leave.
I do a lot of shadow puppeting around that.
And then I work my way down, and I just hit it.
You know, I just hit it. And I hit it.
I have some martial-arts training. I just hit it.
They say if it lasts more than four hours,
you gotta go to the hospital.
Well, if I'm ever Iucky enough for that to last four hours,
I'm not going to no hospital.
I'm gonna play that sucker right out.
[ Laughs ]
I like to focus on putting the penis in the vagina.
I think that's pretty key.
Or several.
Jesus.
How to make love to a woman?
Ask Beau.
At the locker room, just champagne exploding,
taking off your clothes,
just swatting everyone on the ass and just--
just a bunch of naked guys just really happy together.
That's how I make love to a woman.
It should be very easy.
You just jump on her and make love, simple love.
Why is that difficuIt?
[ Moaning ]
How to make love to a woman? A woman?
Why are you asking me that?
Not if I live to be 100.
Well, who knows.
Oh, my God. Lord have mercy.
You know, fellas, meet her at the church and love her,
and then bang that back out.
Bang, bang, bang! Right?
You know all about black chocolate? You know all about it.
What do you think, girl? You fuck her, duh.
Or you could get her drunk.
Do you know how many guys I've had sex with
because I was drunk?
I wouId tell you, but I don't remember.
That time in college was a joke. I've never had sex with a woman.
They're disgusting. They're gross.
[ Laughs ]
Then what you do is you fIip her over,
you hit her from behind.
There's three ways to do it.
Hard, fast, and anal.
You can do hard, fast, and anal, but then you gotta be a master.
Then you better be writing a book, and I'll be buying that motherfucker.
If that shit's cheap. I don't make too much money.
But if I did, I'd buy a whole set. . .
''How to Butt-Fuck Your GirIfriend, Starring You.''
Like, bring a box of tissues, bring some Neosporin,
and have a good time.
Have a good time.
[ ''Room 4 1 0'' by Call the Cops pIays ]
Look, guys, just admit it.
You don't know how to make love to a woman. Sorry.
And you need to learn.
Or we will just find someone who can. Whoo!
[ Laughs ]
I'm taking applications.
Wow. Hey.
Oh, man.
Hey, Curtis, could you maybe do that second thing,
teII me about that?
I might be a Iittle woeful. I got woe.
Yeah, if you could just start from the beginning,
'cause I wasn't listening to that at all.
-Yeah, let me get my love journal. -Oh, I'd be happy to.
You like that? You like that?
You start with that? I thought that was a closer.
Whoo!
That's dangerous.