×ÖÄ» - - Coming!
×ÖÄ» Here's your daughter. I'm done with her.
×ÖÄ» Turns out I'm stupid, and I don't get it, and I never will.
×ÖÄ» Wait a minute. When I dropped her off at your house,
×ÖÄ» I was stupid, I don't get it, and I never will.
×ÖÄ» Man, just when you think you're special.
×ÖÄ» You're both horrible, horrible people.
×ÖÄ» Is that an upgrade from stupid?
×ÖÄ» You mind if I check the score of the game?
×ÖÄ» I don't mind, but you might want to bolt.
×ÖÄ» Your ex-girlfriend Lori is in the kitchen.
×ÖÄ» Wait a minute. "No birth control" Lori?
×ÖÄ» That didn't catch on, so she just goes by Lori now.
×ÖÄ» Don't worry about it. We're fine.
×ÖÄ» Even though she thinks psychotherapy is a scam,
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×ÖÄ» I really liked her.
×ÖÄ» So what are you guys up to?
×ÖÄ» We're working on a new business.
×ÖÄ» - Cofftea. - Cofftea?
×ÖÄ» Are you tired of having to decide
×ÖÄ» between having a cup of coffee or a cup of tea?
×ÖÄ» No.
×ÖÄ» I know, I can never decide either.
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×ÖÄ» Just brew-steep up a fresh pot-kettle
×ÖÄ» of coffee-flavored tea and you can have both.
×ÖÄ» How's that sound?
×ÖÄ» Like I'd rather live with painful indecisiveness.
×ÖÄ» Jen, there's a problem.
×ÖÄ» The pot-kettle's acting weird and it isn't brew-steeping.
×ÖÄ» Then you better get back in there before it starts fire-smoking.
×ÖÄ» I knew I shouldn't have listened
×ÖÄ» to that stupid Korean woman at the nail shop.
×ÖÄ» If it's such a sure thing, why is she still scrubbing feet?
×ÖÄ» Hey, Charlie.
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×ÖÄ» Thanks.
×ÖÄ» This is such a weird coincidence.
×ÖÄ» I was just thinking about calling you the other day.
×ÖÄ» But you can't use the phone
×ÖÄ» when the moon is in the second phase of Capricorn?
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×ÖÄ» No, I just didn't like how we left everything.
×ÖÄ» I shouldn't have scared you off
×ÖÄ» by saying I didn't believe in birth control.
×ÖÄ» Oh, don't beat yourself up. There was a lot more to it than that.
×ÖÄ» Uh... Like what?
×ÖÄ» If you won't let me lie, I can't make you feel better.
×ÖÄ» I think I just said that as a defense mechanism
×ÖÄ» because I have a fear of intimacy.
×ÖÄ» Defense mechanism? Fear of intimacy?
×ÖÄ» Sounds like someone is changing their mind about therapy.
×ÖÄ» Well, I did read a "Psychology Today"
×ÖÄ» while I was waiting to be fitted for my new diaphragm.
×ÖÄ» Fitted? I thought those things were just kind of off the rack.
×ÖÄ» Aw, Mr. Goodson, you have so much to learn.
×ÖÄ» How about I come over Wednesday
×ÖÄ» and give you some private tutoring?
×ÖÄ» You mean sex, right?
×ÖÄ» 'Cause the last time a woman offered me private tutoring,
×ÖÄ» there was a huge misunderstanding.
×ÖÄ» I wound up learning calculus.
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×ÖÄ» It's called Coffee.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God.
×Ö How come Jen never invents...
Ä» oh, my God! There's an aftertaste.
×ÖÄ» You think it's gone... but it's not.
×ÖÄ» That's the tea.
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×ÖÄ» Remember Lori?
×ÖÄ» You mean "The romantic girl of your dreams"
×ÖÄ» "Except she was a lunatic" Lori?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, that didn't catch on. She's just going by Lori now.
×ÖÄ» Her and I are gonna give it another shot.
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×ÖÄ» So it would probably make sense for us to put our thing on hold.
×ÖÄ» Look, I have no problem honoring our agreement
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×ÖÄ» but you've already tried capturing this unicorn,
×ÖÄ» which I'm sure she also believes in, and failed.
×ÖÄ» So why can't you just be happy with our amazing arrangement?
×ÖÄ» I am, but you know that I want more...
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×ÖÄ» Jen, you've got to make a big cup for Kate.
×ÖÄ» She's gonna love it.
×ÖÄ» I've got to start group.
×ÖÄ» - Hey, Kate. - Hey, Jen.
×ÖÄ» No time for Coffee. I'm on my way out.
×ÖÄ» Okay. Oh, hey, don't forget
×ÖÄ» we've still got to do that girls' night out.
×ÖÄ» Just let me know when you're ready.
×ÖÄ» Does this girls' night out involve picking up guys?
×ÖÄ» If it doesn't, I don't know why we're going.
×ÖÄ» Great.
×ÖÄ» Then I'm ready. How about tomorrow?
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×ÖÄ» It's loaded with guys. There's a guitar store down the street
×ÖÄ» and a fire station next door.
×ÖÄ» Good, because I am not looking for anything deep or meaningful.
×ÖÄ» No, if you want deep and meaningful,
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×ÖÄ» Everything's a negotiation, but it's worth it.
×ÖÄ» Sorry I'm late.
×ÖÄ» I had to walk here.
×ÖÄ» Why? I thought you were driving everywhere
×ÖÄ» because you sold advertising space on your car.
×ÖÄ» I was. I just ran out of gas.
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×ÖÄ» Well, Vagisil is really getting their money's worth today.
×ÖÄ» Lacey, anything you'd like to share?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, I'm sick of guys misrepresenting themselves as rich.
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×ÖÄ» But instead of getting stuck in anger,
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×ÖÄ» It's a website for women who want to date rich guys only.
×ÖÄ» For sure.
×ÖÄ» Lacey, you are a horrible
×ÖÄ» judge of character and this isn't going to help.
×ÖÄ» Instead of picking losers in gin-soaked bars,
×ÖÄ» you'll be picking losers in your gin-soaked home.
×ÖÄ» Hey, that is so... true.
×ÖÄ» I just want what everyone else wants...
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×ÖÄ» Patrick: You just don't know what to look for.
×ÖÄ» I bet I can get on that site
×ÖÄ» and I can find you a great guy like that.
×ÖÄ» I'll bet you 100 bucks that I can do it better than you.
×ÖÄ» I don't care nothing about Lacey, but I just like gambling.
×ÖÄ» Oh, please. Like you guys know me better than me.
×ÖÄ» I spend all day thinking about me.
×ÖÄ» You spend, like, what,
×ÖÄ» maybe two or three hours a day thinking about me.
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×ÖÄ» Messes with the average.
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×ÖÄ» About what we need than we are.
×ÖÄ» As soon as I get my Vagisil check,
×ÖÄ» I will pay everybody $20 not to do this.
×ÖÄ» Okay, so here's the plan. I'll give each of you my password,
×ÖÄ» you pretend you're me, and whoever picks the best catch wins.
×ÖÄ» Remember, guys,
×ÖÄ» everything you put on the Internet stays there forever.
×ÖÄ» So when you represent Lacey online,
×ÖÄ» be very careful to protect her dignity.
×ÖÄ» Yes, please. Oh, and by the way,
×ÖÄ» if the guy is worth more than 10 million,
×ÖÄ» that unlocks a private photo gallery of racy photos
×ÖÄ» of me in the desert doing stuff on a car.
×ÖÄ» Okay, so dignity is not an issue.
×ÖÄ» Let's just not give out her home address.
×ÖÄ» So, was that okay?
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» Super?
×ÖÄ» Really?
×ÖÄ» I'm just quiet. Is that okay?
×ÖÄ» I love quiet.
×ÖÄ» And the quiet went perfectly with the not moving.
×ÖÄ» Oh, don't you worry about me. I am great.
×ÖÄ» I just want you to enjoy yourself.
×ÖÄ» See, here's the thing.
×ÖÄ» A big part of my good time
×ÖÄ» is knowing that you're having a good time.
×ÖÄ» Then you just had one of the best sexual experiences
×ÖÄ» of your life, buddy.
×ÖÄ» Oh, good.
×ÖÄ» Thanks for letting me know.
×ÖÄ» I'm telling you, this woman has got it all.
×ÖÄ» She's smart, funny, and when I got her into bed...
×ÖÄ» Tell me everything. Don't spare a detail.
×ÖÄ» It was horrible.
×ÖÄ» Like building Ikea furniture
×ÖÄ» without the fun or sense of accomplishment.
×ÖÄ» Wow, I did not see that coming.
×ÖÄ» I didn't either and I was there.
×ÖÄ» Well, sorry to hear that.
×ÖÄ» And sort of secretly happy.
×ÖÄ» I thought she was just nervous the first time.
×ÖÄ» We've gone a couple more rounds and nothing's changed.
×ÖÄ» - So what are you gonna do? - I don't know.
×ÖÄ» I mean, can a relationship survive if the sex is bad?
×ÖÄ» Sure, it can limp along for years before you're divorced,
×ÖÄ» living alone, playing pool with your neighbor
×ÖÄ» and listening to him complain about bad sex
×ÖÄ» with a stone-cold fox.
×ÖÄ» So that would be a no.
×ÖÄ» A sad, sad no.
×ÖÄ» I've got to break up with her and I am not looking forward to it.
×ÖÄ» Just tell her during sex. That way she won't have a reaction.
×ÖÄ» It's got to be weird. So many fires happen at night.
×ÖÄ» You probably save a lot of women that are half dressed.
×ÖÄ» Just throw them over your shoulder
×ÖÄ» and take them back to your place.
×ÖÄ» Pardon me?
×ÖÄ» I mean, the hospital.
×ÖÄ» How about you call me and we'll talk about it?
×ÖÄ» I got a fireman's number.
×ÖÄ» Let me guess, 9-1-1?
×ÖÄ» - Are you okay? - No.
×ÖÄ» I am not okay.
×ÖÄ» Guys have been all over you since we walked in
×ÖÄ» and not one guy has hit on me.
×ÖÄ» I think maybe I just need someplace
×ÖÄ» that's a little more sophisticated like an art gallery.
×ÖÄ» Come on, the night's young.
×ÖÄ» Give it another chance.
×ÖÄ» - Hey. - Oh, hi.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» - No, it's all yours. - Thanks.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» One second.
×ÖÄ» Thursday at an art gallery.
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×ÖÄ» Show me your rich guys.
×ÖÄ» My rich guy is the son of a shipping magnate
×ÖÄ» and has accomplished absolutely nothing on his own.
×ÖÄ» He just runs around the world spending his parents' money.
×ÖÄ» Ooh, let me see. Oh!
×ÖÄ» One day, he hopes to settle down and enroll in DJ school.
×ÖÄ» Follow that, Edward Shakyhands.
×ÖÄ» My young feller selflessly gives back to his community.
×ÖÄ» This former New Jersey state trooper
×ÖÄ» was decorated twice for valor.
×ÖÄ» Why are you still talking?
×ÖÄ» Why?
×ÖÄ» Because Deputy Dipstick here
×ÖÄ» slipped on a grape in a supermarket
×ÖÄ» and won a lawsuit for $30 million.
×ÖÄ» Ta-ra-ra-boom, you're gay.
×ÖÄ» This is very close. Nolan, you're up.
×ÖÄ» This devil-may-care rapscallion plays by his own rules.
×ÖÄ» He's handsome and debonair.
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×ÖÄ» This young man boasts assets that include but are not limited to
×ÖÄ» his own car.
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×ÖÄ» No. I'm going with Patrick's.
×ÖÄ» Please go out with him. I'm begging you.
×ÖÄ» You could keep the $100. That's how rich he is.
×ÖÄ» - - Coming.
×ÖÄ» - Hi. - Lori.
×ÖÄ» What are you doing here?
×ÖÄ» I thought we were gonna meet at the restaurant.
×ÖÄ» I know, but my psychic said
×ÖÄ» that you had a big surprise for me and I couldn't wait.
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×ÖÄ» Are we going somewhere?
×ÖÄ» I'm not.
×Ö Look, Lori,
Ä» don't seem great right away,
×ÖÄ» but they turn out terrific.
×ÖÄ» For example, the Titanic hits an iceberg.
×ÖÄ» Terrible surprise, couple years later, box office gold.
×ÖÄ» Are you breaking up with me?
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry, Lori.
×ÖÄ» I think you're fantastic.
×ÖÄ» It's just I don't think we have very good chemistry in bed.
×ÖÄ» I'm not saying that sex is the only thing, but...
×ÖÄ» But it is what's breaking us up.
×ÖÄ» Well, that and the religious differences.
×ÖÄ» We don't have any religious differences.
×ÖÄ» Well, then, yeah, it's the sex.
×ÖÄ» Why? Because I don't make noises
×ÖÄ» and thrash around like some kind of animal?
×ÖÄ» Well, you don't have to make it sound so base, but yes.
×ÖÄ» You know what?
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» I haven't had any complaints.
×ÖÄ» Have you had any compliments?
×ÖÄ» Uh, have you?
×ÖÄ» Hey, hey, I can show you taped testimonials.
×ÖÄ» You're a pig.
×ÖÄ» Hey, at least a pig grunts every now and again.
×ÖÄ» - Screw you. - Screw you.
×ÖÄ» - I'd love to. - Are you serious?
×ÖÄ» Yes!
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
×ÖÄ» I shouldn't have told you how great the sex was.
×ÖÄ» No, it's okay. We're in session.
×ÖÄ» I am not bothered by the "Volume of the noises",
×ÖÄ» your college-like turgidity,"
×ÖÄ» or that at one point you had "An out-of-body experience."
×ÖÄ» Well, to be fair, that was just for a second.
×ÖÄ» We were changing positions.
×ÖÄ» What I'm concerned about is that you're going out with a woman
×ÖÄ» who's only able to have good sex when she's angry.
×ÖÄ» That's not true. The anger just unlocked her passion.
×ÖÄ» She's incredibly inhibited and our fight gave her permission
×ÖÄ» to get in touch with herself,
×ÖÄ» which at one point she did while I watched.
×ÖÄ» Charlie, don't you see that there's a problem?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, I see that there's a problem. You.
×ÖÄ» For the first time in a while, I'm in a promising relationship
×ÖÄ» and, surprise, you find something wrong with it.
×ÖÄ» I am not jealous.
×ÖÄ» So if you think that I am sitting home alone
×ÖÄ» not getting hit on by firemen and musicians,
×ÖÄ» rest assured that that is not the case.
×ÖÄ» Wait a minute. Firemen? Musicians?
×ÖÄ» You went to El Tostada with Jen.
×ÖÄ» I go for the food.
×ÖÄ» Ed, I need your rich loser's number.
×ÖÄ» Too late. He's gone.
×ÖÄ» I kept him hanging pretty good, though.
×ÖÄ» I made some promises that you ought to be ashamed of.
×ÖÄ» Well, Patrick's guy stood me up.
×ÖÄ» Oh, hey, Lacey.
×ÖÄ» What happened? I thought you had this all lined up.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» He is, just not for you.
×ÖÄ» How do you know?
×ÖÄ» Because I figured I would meet him.
×ÖÄ» You know, screen him for you.
×ÖÄ» But, you know, one thing led to another
×ÖÄ» and suffice it to say he's fully screened.
×ÖÄ» You slept with my rich guy?
×ÖÄ» A little.
×ÖÄ» So what was he doing on the straight dating site?
×ÖÄ» His mom put him up there.
×ÖÄ» Look, Lacey, you have no future with this guy.
×ÖÄ» Well, how do you know? Maybe he goes both ways.
×ÖÄ» Oh, he does go both ways, just not with women.
×ÖÄ» See? This is way more my scene.
×ÖÄ» I know.
×ÖÄ» - Oh, hi. - Hey.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» - Hi. - Really great show tonight, huh?
×ÖÄ» Hey, Mr. Face.
×ÖÄ» You just walked right by me.
×ÖÄ» Am I... I mean, what... something wrong with me?
×ÖÄ» Am I not worthy of your time? Am I not hot enough?
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» Yeah, you're damn right I am. So what's your problem?
×ÖÄ» You just give off a vibe like you're with somebody.
×ÖÄ» But if you're not, I can understand why.
×ÖÄ» Did you just hear that? He said I was putting off a vibe.
×ÖÄ» I am not putting off a vibe. Do you think I'm putting off a vibe?
×ÖÄ» I don't know. Are you seeing someone?
×ÖÄ» No. I mean, I was sleeping with somebody,
×ÖÄ» but we're not even doing that anymore.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» If the vibe is still there.
×ÖÄ» Are you done with him?
×ÖÄ» I've got to lose this vibe.
×ÖÄ» Hi.
×ÖÄ» So what do you say we go back to my place
×ÖÄ» and have a couple drinks and whatever happens happens?
×ÖÄ» And I think you know what's gonna happen.
×ÖÄ» Sex.
×ÖÄ» Oh, you are so hot.
×ÖÄ» Oh, thanks.
×ÖÄ» I'm gonna rip this shirt off with my teeth.
×ÖÄ» Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
×ÖÄ» I just got this. Do you like it?
×ÖÄ» I am on fire. Keep going.
×ÖÄ» Are you sure? Doesn't feel like you're on fire.
×ÖÄ» Oh, I am. Grr.
×ÖÄ» You know what?
×ÖÄ» I hate the way you laugh.
×ÖÄ» What?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, it's one of the worst sounds I've ever heard.
×ÖÄ» And I spent a summer working in a slaughterhouse.
×ÖÄ» - Why are you being so mean? - Why are you being so sensitive?
×ÖÄ» - I'm not. - And defensive.
×ÖÄ» I don't understand what's going on with you.
×ÖÄ» 'Cause you're not very bright.
×ÖÄ» You are such a jerk.
×ÖÄ» That's what I'm talking about.
×ÖÄ» - Say my name. - Screw you.
×ÖÄ» Screw you.
×ÖÄ» I want you so bad!
×ÖÄ» I am so turned on right now.
×ÖÄ» - I know, that's the problem. - Not for me.
×ÖÄ» Lori, we need to have a serious talk.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God, do you want me or not?
×ÖÄ» Okay, but then after, we have to have a serious talk. Okay.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry. We can't do this.
×ÖÄ» You're turned on by anger and it's just not healthy.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» I'm not angry.
×ÖÄ» I'm just aroused, you dumb-ass.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» There are no Valentine's Day cards that start, "You dumb-ass."
×ÖÄ» Ugh, are we doing this or aren't we?
×ÖÄ» We aren't.
×ÖÄ» I really care about you, sweetie, but, well, you need therapy.
×ÖÄ» I'll tell you what. I'll talk to my astrologer
×ÖÄ» and if she says the stars are aligned,
×ÖÄ» I'll ask my psychic to see if my spirit guide Great.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» So they can help me turn this table back over?
×ÖÄ» I hope you don't have a heart condition.
×ÖÄ» 'Cause you are about to spend one wild night
×ÖÄ» with a single, unattached, unencumbered woman.
×ÖÄ» No baggage, free as a bird.
×ÖÄ» Yup, there's not a man, not one.
×ÖÄ» Not a man.
×ÖÄ» Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're starting to scare me a little bit here.
×ÖÄ» No, no, no. I'm just saying there's no one else.
×ÖÄ» - It's just you and me. - Yeah?
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» Uh, no. Not the bed.
×ÖÄ» Right, not the bed. Where?
×ÖÄ» - Uh, maybe the chair. - Yeah, chair's good. Yeah.
×ÖÄ» Okay. No, get on the floor.
¿Õ°×Ê±¼äÖá
×ÖÄ» - No. - Bathroom? Kitchen?
×ÖÄ» It's the who.
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry. I am kind of involved.
×ÖÄ» I mean, not involved.
×ÖÄ» I mean, technically, there's no guy,
×ÖÄ» - but there's a guy. - I get it.
×ÖÄ» How about the roof?
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