(安德鲁·戈尔德的《谢谢你做我的朋友》)
感谢你成为我的朋友
#沿着这条路走下去，然后又回来#
你的心是真实的，你的朋友和知己
#如果你举办派对#
邀请所有你认识的人
你会看到最大的礼物来自我
附上的卡片会说
感谢你成为我的朋友
嗨，索菲亚，你昨晚的约会怎么样？
托尼·德尔维乔是一艘梦幻之船。
我不介意看一眼床头柜
看到他的牙齿挨着我的。
(观众笑) 妈，求你了。
我是说这可能很傻，
但是我不喜欢听到
你和男人的浪漫出轨。
那你会讨厌这个的。 (观众笑)
我整天幻想着他。 (观众笑)
昨晚，我梦见我是方舟的贞德
他拿着水管向我走来。
(观众笑) 妈，也许是吧
只是一个宗教体验梦。
他灭火了吗？ (观众笑)
三次。 (观众笑)
很少实现的方舟之女幻想三倍。
(观众笑) 索菲亚，我恨你。
我想我坠入爱河了，我从未有过这种感觉
自从你父亲。 哦。
但是托尼视我为朋友，同伴。
这没什么不对的。
是的，但是我在想象他裸体的样子，我没有笑。
(观众笑) 如果你想听我的建议，
我觉得你应该和他上床。
完成了。 (观众笑)
那不是她想要的。
多萝西，那个男人拿着水管冲向她。
(观众笑) 哦，别这样，妈妈，
你认识他没多久。
慢慢来，几个月后，最好是几年后，
然后你可以开始思考
更多的肉体关系。
看看谁在这里浪费时间。
(观众笑) 你知道我的座右铭，
今天可能是你余生的最后一天。
(观众笑) 索菲娅，我敢打赌
我给你几个建议，你就可以让托尼这个家伙
很快就上床睡觉了。 (观众笑)
很好，因为我们正好有这么多时间。
(观众笑) 我妈妈不会那样做。
是的，我知道，我刚去过干船坞。
(观众笑) 我现在回来了。
(观众笑) 我穿上了教练服，
让我回到游戏中。 (观众笑)
好吧，但是你必须听我说的每一句话。
我说跳，你说谁跳。
(观众笑) (柔和的器乐)
我刚收到一封来自圣奥拉夫的快递信。
啊哦，是水和咖啡部的。
(观众笑) 咖啡？
不，谢谢，它让我紧张。
(观众笑)
罗斯，信上说什么？
你来读吧，桃乐茜，我需要双手
以防是坏消息。
(观众笑) 亲爱的圣奥拉菲安，
恐怕有坏消息。 什么？
(观众笑) 有干旱
在圣奥拉夫，这威胁到农作物。
哦不，我最好送些水来。 (观众笑)
请不要送水，我们已经找到了
信封会漏水。 (观众笑)
在雨季到来之前，我们要求所有市民
除了伞王奥拉夫，都要独身，
他已经受够了。 (观众笑)
好吧，如果这有助于收获庄稼的话。
哦，你不可能相信弃权
将会改变天气。
布兰奇，我想你没有意识到性有多强大。
(观众笑)
有一次查理和我真的做了，直到母牛回家。
(观众笑)
当然，我戴着铃铛。
(观众笑) 当然，
因此有了丁咚这个绰号。 (观众笑)
嘿，你可能是对的？ (观众笑)
罗斯，如果你是认真的
关于完成这件事，我建议
你和迈尔斯讨论一下。
我是说，他有权知道真相。
我不想撒谎。
Rose你没必要对Miles撒谎，
只是不要告诉他真相。
把这件事变成你的优势。
现在，如果你把迈尔斯拒之门外，神奇的事情
会开始发生。
哦，他会变得更体贴，他会给你送花。
他将成为爱情的囚徒，而你将成为监狱长。
如果你感兴趣，我有服装
你们俩都可以租。 (观众笑)
布兰奇，首先你让我妈妈睡觉
和一个陌生人，现在这个？
我是说，是什么让你觉得你知道关于
异性？
让记录自己说话，
我有过143段感情。
也没有定罪。 (观众笑)
(柔和的器乐)
你怎么想呢?
哦，你今晚看起来很漂亮。
哦，希望不要太漂亮，我和迈尔斯有个约会。
他是如何处理独身生活的？
他做得很好，虽然他确实花了
在练习场待了很长时间。
(观众笑)
罗斯听着，现在你有一个非常重要的约会。
我说过会发生的一切都发生了。
他变得更体贴了，他给你送花，
他洗完了你的衣服，还了大部分。
(观众笑) 我们正按计划进行。
但今晚他会问你是否在和其他男人约会。
你知道你要说什么吗？
我不确定。
大胆一点，厚颜无耻一点，残忍一点。
现在你要说什么？
我不确定。 (观众笑)
罗斯，如果你是我的泥块
你应该更聪明一点。
(观众笑)
当他问你是否在和其他男人约会时
拧一下他的鼻子
说我的，我的先生，我相信你在嫉妒。
布兰奇的蒸汽呢，她不应该被克服吗
通过蒸汽？ (观众笑)
布兰奇，我可以出来了吗？ 哦是的，
稍等一会儿。
好了，女孩们，我想介绍
布兰奇·德弗罗的最新作品。
我带了一个84岁的老妇人
让她看起来像个65岁的变装皇后。
(观众笑)
然后我对自己说，布兰奇，胭脂太多了。
(观众笑)
所以经过一些小的调整后，
请允许我介绍新的索菲娅·佩特里洛。
(观众欢呼和大笑)
妈，你在里面吗？
你知道吗，这是多年来第一次，
我感觉像真正的我。
这些应该更低吗？ (观众笑)
(门铃响了) 好了，就这样了。
别忘了你有他想要的东西。
是啊，什么？ (观众笑)
别担心，你会想起来的。
摘下你的眼镜，你知道这是个好主意
如果你能找到赞美他的话。
嗨，是我的幻觉还是你头发少了
在你的指关节上？ (观众笑)
嗯，可能是索菲亚在我这个年纪，一切都开始走下坡路了。
索菲娅，我是迈尔斯。 嘿，你看起来真漂亮。
伙计，对你来说已经很久了，
不是吗，大汉？ (观众笑)
好吧，我们开始吧，罗斯，
今晚空气中弥漫着魔力。
如果他想回他的住处，我该怎么办？
告诉他你家里有很多工作要做。
我不想撒谎。
你回家后，我们会让你打扫车库。
(观众笑) 谢谢布兰奇，
我欠你一次。 (观众笑)
如果我白变漂亮了呢？
如果托尼根本没注意到我怎么办？
嗯，那是他的不幸，
海里还有其他的鱼。
你知道我这个年纪的人都浮在上面。
(观众笑) (门铃响起)
妈，记住，别做我不会做的事。
我想我约会的时候越过了那条线。
(观众笑)
你好索菲娅。 (观众欢呼)
你还记得布兰奇和我姨妈多萝西吗？
很高兴见到您 是啊，很高兴见到你。
很高兴再次见到你，托尼。 是啊。
索菲娅，你看起来很迷人。
如果我不是这样一个绅士，我会试图撬你
喝着酒占你的便宜。
拐角处有一家酒店。
(观众笑)
现在她不能喝酒了，这和她的药混在一起了。
非常漂亮。 (观众笑)
他们不可爱吗？ 是啊，好像是
就在昨天，我还把她送进了养老院。
(观众笑)
晚安，小猫咪，你没什么好担心的。
妈，乖一点。 我保证。
(观众笑)
你很棒。 承诺就是承诺。
像你这样可爱的西西里女孩在哪里学的
去做那些事？
我和一个荡妇住在一起。 (观众笑)
替我谢谢她。
哦，和一个真正的女人在一起真好。
你不觉得我太主动了吗？
不，你是个完美的女人。
再说一次，别担心裤子。
我认识很多好裁缝。 (观众笑)
是啊，是你先开始的，别以为我没注意到
今晚你和我在桌子底下偷偷摸摸。
不，那真的是痉挛。 (观众笑)
(罗斯和托尼大笑) 我，我爱你。
我说我爱你。 谢谢你。
(观众笑) 你呢？
我关心你。 你在乎我吗？
是的，非常想，我应该早点说的。
好吧，我们现在去睡觉吧。
什么？ 你在乎我吗？
你喜欢猫、狗或山羊。
当我告诉你我爱你，你告诉我你在乎我。
哦，拜托，索菲娅，我很在乎你。
我要回家了，不用麻烦你开车送我了。
索菲娅，我们能谈谈吗？
甚至不要说我的名字，我向你伸出手。
如果你不爱我，怎么可能
你和我做爱？
我再也不想见到你或听到你的消息。
(缓慢的器乐)
晚安，谢谢你给我一个美好的夜晚。
罗斯，发生什么事了？
现在出问题了。
我不明白你的意思？
很明显你想避免
任何形式的亲密行为。
我是说，就像今晚你拉我去的那个地方。
听着，别误会，我很享受这个晚上
女同性恋诗歌。 (观众笑)
但是听着，罗斯，说实话，
这不是我想象中的美好时光。
但是我开始有点怀疑了。
还有别人，是不是？
我的，我的先生，我相信你是嫉妒。
(观众笑)
你知道通常我讨厌别人拧我的鼻子。
但至少你在抚摸我。
你在和别人约会吗？
我的，我的先生我相信你在嫉妒。
(观众笑) 一周七天
一个是可爱的玫瑰，两个是，不要再做了。
(观众笑)
我为我的语气道歉，但是我有点暴躁
因为显而易见的原因而紧张。
听着，有点不对劲，你是不是在和另一个男人约会？
别碰我的鼻子。 (观众笑)
我只是现在不能和你在一起。
哦，好吧，也许我也看不见你。
再见。 你是说晚安。
不，我想我是说再见。
(关门声) 哦。
正如我所想，没有人喜欢它。
罗斯，怎么了？ 迈尔斯刚刚离开了我。
哦，布兰奇，因为你
还有你糟糕的建议，我已经失去了很多英里。
如果你要继续这种态度
拧我的鼻子，顺便说一句，永远不要
再做一次，因为我讨厌它。
(观众笑) 我不会帮你的。
(关门声) 你和托尼的约会怎么样？
你喜欢让老女人陷入困境吗？
(观众笑)
妈，你和他上床了，是吗？
妈，过来。 (观众笑)
看着我的眼睛，你和托尼·德尔韦奇奥上床了吗？
一点点。 (观众笑)
马。 布兰奇让我做的。
你为什么没有自己的想法？
如果格拉迪斯·戈德费恩让你喝一整瓶
你愿意吗？ 谁泄密了？
(观众笑) 大家都冷静下来。
索菲娅，告诉我发生了什么。
老一套，女孩遇到男孩，女孩失去男孩，
女孩不记得她的地址，
所以出租车不停地转啊转。
(观众笑) 你告诉他你爱他
他没有回应，我说的对吗？
你在我的胸罩里装了窃听器？ (观众笑)
索菲娅，我告诉过你永远不要先告诉一个男人你爱他。
那是一个致命的错误。
我只想听到有人对我说我爱你
再来一次。 哦，妈妈，
如果我告诉你我爱你，你会感觉好点吗？
是啊，突然间我想唱歌了。
带我去钢琴酒吧。 (观众笑)
我要睡觉了，如果托尼打电话告诉他我假装的。
(观众笑)
马。 我做到了。
哦宝贝，哦宝贝，哦宝贝，哦求你了。
(观众笑) (有趣的音乐)
来吧索菲亚，加入我们。
是的，妈妈，你不能永远坐在那里等电话。
谁在等电话？ (茶壶口哨声)
喂，喂？
是他，我能听到他的呼吸声。
(观众笑)
他想确定我在家而不是出去了
和另一个人。
我必须让他嫉妒，多萝西穿上西装，打好领带
我们去他住的酒店。 (观众笑)
妈，我不会穿西装打领带的。
布兰奇，我妈妈想和我约会，你满意了吗？
(观众笑)
我想那也是我的错。
你最近给出了一些非常糟糕的建议。
自从我的戏剧老师之后，我还没有收到过这么糟糕的建议
告诉我我很适合演国王和我。
(观众笑)
她剃了光头却没得到角色。
(观众笑)
等一下，别以为我不知道
你们在说什么？
你认为我给的建议不好
仅仅因为它摧毁了四条生命。
布兰奇，你什么时候才能意识到
你要负责任？
这不是游戏。
你在玩弄感情
真实的人类。
我做了个决定，我要去见托尼。
不要那样做，现在你有他的权利
你想让他去哪里。
我再也不听你的了。
桃乐茜是对的，你给我惹了麻烦，
你让罗斯陷入了麻烦。
你会让多萝西陷入麻烦
对她感兴趣。 (观众笑)
等等，为什么就在前几天
那个和我们园丁一起工作的家伙。
你知道有吹叶机的那个吗
他说我看起来不错，声音有点轻快
试图把我的裙子吹到头上。
(观众笑)
除了白马什么都有，嗯，小猫咪？
听着索菲娅·皮特里洛不会放弃。
她为她的男人而战，她能克服一切。
她需要10块钱打车。 (观众笑)
(有趣的音乐)
最后一次机会，罗斯，最好和我一起走。
哦不，我太沮丧了，不想去消防队。
(观众笑)
邀请函上说我可以带一个朋友来烧烤。
拜托，罗斯，他们是消防员，喝了几杯后
他们开始做心肺复苏术。 (观众笑)
我羡慕你布兰奇，你真的很有一套，不是我。
我有太多的烦恼。 晚安。
萝丝，我想你应该知道一些我没告诉你的事。
事实上，我从没告诉过任何人，
但我每周四晚上都会哭。
但我以为你很开心。
我大部分时间都是，
但是，嘿，一直做布兰奇·德弗罗真的很难。
开始付出代价，有点孤独
没有像迈尔斯这样善良正派的人。
我的建议对我的人有效，
你知道我约会的那些害羞的家伙。
但如果你还想听我的建议，给迈尔斯打电话。
亲爱的，布兰奇是对的，他很讲道理，他会理解的。
我要打电话给他，告诉他真相。
你一直都是对的，桃乐茜，
真相永远是最好的。
这是非常明智的罗斯。
我不想让你认为这是我瞎编的。
(观众笑)
今天下午看的时候在电视上看到的
新的少女。 (观众笑)
你知道那其实是个有趣的故事。
你看到新的提米不见了，新的莱西
想告诉新爷爷他在哪里。
所以新来的小姑娘进来了。 罗斯，我有没有告诉过你
我每周二8:05都会哭，不好意思。
(电话铃声) 喂？
哦，海尔吉，圣奥拉夫发生了什么事？
我听不懂你的话，亲爱的，你在呻吟吗？
不，慢慢说。
天啊，下雨了，天啊，下雨了，天啊。
天啊，下雨了，我要去迈尔斯。
(观众笑) 天啊，一定在下倾盆大雨。
(敲门) 索菲亚，
很高兴见到你。
我只是过来拿我的医疗手镯。
我相信我上周把它忘在这里了。
(观众笑)
我戴着呢。 那很危险。
不，结果是我们都对同样的东西过敏。
嗷。 嗷。
我想你了。
你太想我了，一周都没给我打电话。
索菲娅坐下。
我拿起那个电话一百次了，
但我就是不能打那个电话。
自从我妻子死后，我没有告诉过任何人我爱他们。
那是很久以前的事了。
是的，但是我关心你的事情一直都很有效
直到现在。 (观众笑)
索菲娅，我真的爱你。 我也爱你。
那我们现在怎么办？ (观众笑)
你想看我已故妻子的照片吗？
(观众笑)
我以为你不会问了，
我带了一些我丈夫萨尔的。
(观众笑)
(安德鲁·戈尔德的《谢谢你做我的朋友》)
("Thank You for Being a Friend" by Andrew Gold)
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
♪ Traveled down the road and back again ♪
♪ Your heart is true, your a pal and a confidante ♪
♪ And if you threw a party ♪
♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me ♪
♪ And the card attached would say ♪
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Hi Sophia, how was your date last night?
Tony Delvecchio is a dreamboat.
I wouldn't mind glancing over the night table
and seeing his teeth next to mine.
(audience laughing) Ma, please.
I mean it's probably silly,
but I'm not that comfortable hearing about
your romantic escapades with men.
Then you're gonna hate this. (audience laughing)
I fantasize about him all day. (audience laughing)
Last night, I dreamed I was Joan of Ark
and he was coming at me with a hose.
(audience laughing) Ma, maybe it was
just a religious experience dream.
Did he put out the fire? (audience laughing)
Three times. (audience laughing)
Well the seldom achieved Joan of Ark fantasy triple.
(audience laughing) Sophia, I hate you.
I think I'm falling in love, I haven't felt this way
since your father. Oh.
But Tony looks at me as a friend, as a companion.
There ain't nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, but I'm picturing him naked and I'm not laughing.
(audience laughing) If you want my advice,
I think you should sleep with him.
Done. (audience laughing)
That is not what she wants.
Dorothy, the man came at her with a hose.
(audience laughing) Oh, come on ma,
you haven't known him that long.
Take your time, after a few months, better yet a few years,
then you can start thinking
about a more physical relationship.
Look who's giving away years here.
(audience laughing) You know my motto,
today could be the last day of the rest of your life.
(audience laughing) Sophia, I'll bet
with a few tips from me, you could have this guy Tony
in bed in no time. (audience laughing)
That's good, because that's exactly how much time we have.
(audience laughing) My mother does not do that.
Yes, I do, I've just been a dry dock.
(audience laughing) I'm back now.
(audience laughing) I'm suited up coach,
put me back in the game. (audience laughing)
Okay, but you have to listen to everything I say.
When I say jump, you say on who.
(audience laughing) (soft instrumental music)
I just got a special delivery letter from Saint Olaf.
Uh-oh, it's from the department of water and coffee.
(audience laughing) Coffee?
No thanks, it makes me jumpy.
(audience laughing)
Rose, what does the letter say?
You read it Dorothy, I need both hands
to cover my ears in case it's bad news.
(audience laughing) Dear Saint Olafian,
I'm afraid there's bad news. What?
(audience laughing) There's a drought
in Saint Olaf, which threatens the crops.
Oh no, I better send water. (audience laughing)
Please do not send water, we have found
that envelopes leak. (audience laughing)
Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens
be celibate except for Olaf the Umbrella King,
he has suffered enough. (audience laughing)
Well, if it will help bring in the crops.
Oh, you cannot possibly believe that abstaining
is going to change the weather.
Blanche, I don't think you realize how powerful sex is.
(audience laughing)
Once Charlie and I actually did it until the cows came home.
(audience laughing)
Of course, I was wearing a bell.
(audience laughing) Of course,
hence the nickname ding dong. (audience laughing)
Hey you're probably right? (audience laughing)
Rose, if you're really serious
about going through with this, I suggest
that you discuss it with Miles.
I mean, he deserves to know the truth.
I don't wanna lie.
Rose you don't have to lie to Miles,
just don't tell him the truth.
Turn this thing to your advantage.
Now if you hold Miles at bay, amazing things
will start to happen.
Oh he'll become more attentive, he'll send ya flowers.
He'll be a prisoner of love and you'll be the warden.
And if you're interested, I have costumes
for both of you to rent. (audience laughing)
Blanche, first you tell my mother to sleep
with a stranger, now this?
I mean, what makes you think you know everything about
the opposite sex?
Let the record speak for itself,
I have had 143 relationships.
And no convictions. (audience laughing)
(soft instrumental music)
What do you think?
Oh, you look very pretty tonight.
Oh, not too pretty I hope, I have a date with Miles.
How is he dealing with the celibacy?
Well, he's doing fine, although he does spend
a lot of time at the batting cage.
(audience laughing)
Rose listen, now you have a very critical date coming up.
Everything I said would happen has.
He's been more attentive, he sent ya flowers,
he's done your laundry and returned most of it.
(audience laughing) We're right on schedule.
But tonight he's gonna ask you if you're seeing other men.
Do you know what you're gonna say?
I'm not sure.
Just be bold, be brazen, be brutal.
Now what are you gonna say?
I'm not sure. (audience laughing)
Rose if you're gonna be my lump of clay
you gotta be a little bit smarter.
(audience laughing)
When he asks you if you're seeing other men
just tweak his nose
and say my, my sir I do believe you're jealous.
What about the vapors Blanche, shouldn't she be overcome
by the vapors? (audience laughing)
Blanche, can I come out now? Oh yeah,
hold it just a minute.
All right girls, I want to present
Blanche Devereaux's latest creation.
I took an 84-year-old woman
and made her look like a 65-year-old drag queen.
(audience laughing)
Then I said to myself, Blanche, too much rouge.
(audience laughing)
So after a few minor adjustments,
may I present the new Sophia Petrillo.
(audience cheering and laughing)
Ma, are you in there?
You know, this is the first time in years,
I felt like the real me.
Should these be lower? (audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing) All right, this is it.
Now don't forget you got something he wants.
Yeah, what? (audience laughing)
Don't worry, it'll all come back to ya.
Take your glasses off and you know it's a good idea
if you can find something to compliment him on.
Hi, is it my imagination or do you have less hair
on your knuckles? (audience laughing)
Well it could be Sophia at my age everything starts to go.
Sophia, it's Miles. Hey, you look beautiful.
Boy, it has been a long time for ya,
hasn't it big fellow? (audience laughing)
Well, let's get started Rose,
there's magic in the air tonight.
What do I do if he wants to go back to his place?
Tell him you have a lot of work you have to do at home.
I don't want to lie.
When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.
(audience laughing) Thanks Blanche,
I owe you one. (audience laughing)
What if I got gorgeous for nothing?
What if Tony doesn't even notice me?
Well, that's his hard luck,
there are other fish in the sea.
You know the ones my age are floating on the top.
(audience laughing) (doorbell rings)
Now ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
I think I crossed that line when I got a date.
(audience laughing)
Hi Sophia. (audience cheering)
You remember Blanche and my aunt Dorothy?
Nice to see you. Yeah, so nice to see you.
Nice to see you again Tony. Yeah.
Sophia you look enchanting.
If I wasn't such a gentleman, I'd try to pry you
with wine and take advantage of you.
There's a liquor store on the corner.
(audience laughing)
Now she can't drink, it mixes with her medication.
Beautifully. (audience laughing)
Aren't they adorable? Yeah, it seems like
only yesterday I was putting her into the home.
(audience laughing)
Good night pussycat, you have nothing to worry about.
Ma, be good. I promise.
(audience laughing)
You're good. A promise is a promise.
Where did a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn
to do those things?
I live with a slut. (audience laughing)
Thank her for me.
Oh it's nice to be with a real woman.
You didn't think I was too forward?
No, you were a perfect lady.
And once again, don't worry about the pants.
I know a lot of good tailors. (audience laughing)
Yeah, you started it, don't think I didn't notice
you playing footsie with me under the table tonight.
No that really was a spasm. (audience laughing)
(Rose and Tony laughing) I, I love you.
I said I love you. Thank you.
(audience laughing) And you?
I care for you. You care for me?
Yeah, very much, I probably should've said that sooner.
Well, let's go get some sleep now.
What? You care for me?
You care for a cat or a dog or a goat.
When I tell you I love you and you tell me you care for me.
Oh please Sophia, I care for you a lot.
I'm going home and don't bother driving me.
Oh look Sophia, can't we talk?
Don't even say my name, I reached out for you.
If you didn't love me, how the hell could
you make love to me?
I never want to see or hear from you again.
(slow instrumental music)
Good night and thank you for a wonderful evening.
Rose, what is going on?
Now something is wrong.
I don't know what you mean?
Well, it's obvious you're trying to avoid
any kind of intimacy.
I mean, like that place you dragged me to tonight.
Look don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the evening
of lesbian poetry. (audience laughing)
But look Rose, to tell ya the truth,
it just wasn't the swell time I had in mind.
But look, I'm starting to get a little suspicious.
There's somebody else, isn't there?
My, my sir, I do believe you're jealous.
(audience laughing)
You know normally I hate it when people tweak my nose.
But at least you're touching me.
Look are you seeing somebody else?
My, my sir I do believe you're jealous.
(audience laughing)
One tweak is cute Rose, two is, don't do it again.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry for the tone, but I am a little bit cranky
and tense for all the obvious reasons.
Look something is wrong, now are you seeing another man?
And don't touch my nose. (audience laughing)
I just can't be with you now.
Oh well, all right, maybe I can't see you either.
Goodbye. You mean good night.
No I think I mean goodbye.
(door slams) Oh.
Just as I thought, nobody likes it.
Rose, what's the matter? Miles just left me.
Oh way to go Blanche, because of you
and your lousy advice, I've lost Miles.
Well if you're gonna come on with this attitude
and tweak my nose, and by the way don't ever
do that again because I hate it.
(audience laughing) I'm not gonna help you.
(door slamms) How was your date with Tony?
Do you enjoy getting old ladies in trouble?
(audience laughing)
Ma, you slept with him didn't you?
Ma, come over here. (audience laughing)
Look me in the eye, did you sleep with Tony Delvecchio?
A little. (audience laughing)
Ma. Blanche made me do it.
What don't you have a mind of your own?
If Gladys Goldfine told you to drink a whole bottle
of Kaopectate, would you? Who blabbed?
(audience laughing) Everybody just calm down.
Sophia, tell me what happened.
Same old story, girl meets boy, girl loses boy,
girl can't remember her address,
so cab just circles and circles and circles.
(audience laughing) You told him you loved him
and he didn't say it back, am I right?
Did you bug my bra? (audience laughing)
Sophia, I told you never tell a man you love him first.
That's a fatal mistake.
I just wanted to hear someone say I love you to me
one more time. Oh ma,
would it make you feel better if I told you I love you?
Yeah, all of a sudden I feel like singing.
Take me to a piano bar. (audience laughing)
I'm going to sleep, if Tony calls tell him I faked it.
(audience laughing)
Ma. Well I did.
Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, oh please.
(audience laughing) (playful music)
Come on Sophia, join us.
Yeah ma, you can't sit there waiting for a call forever.
Who's waiting for a call? (tea kettle whistles)
Hello, hello?
That was him, I could hear him breathing.
(audience laughing)
He wants to make sure I'm home and not out
with some other guy.
I have to make him jealous, Dorothy put on a suit and a tie
and let's go by his hotel. (audience laughing)
Ma, I'm not gonna put on a suit and a tie.
Are you satisfied Blanche, my mother wants to date me?
(audience laughing)
I suppose that's my fault too.
Well you have been giving out some very bad advice lately.
I haven't had such bad advice since my drama teacher
told me I'd be perfect for the lead in the King and I.
(audience laughing)
So stupid here shaves her head and doesn't get the part.
(audience laughing)
Now wait a minute, don't think I don't know
what y'all are gettin' at.
You think the advice I gave was bad
just because it devastated four lives.
Blanche when are you gonna realize
you have to be responsible?
This isn't a game.
You're playing around with the emotions
of real human beings.
I made a decision, I'm gonna go see Tony.
Don't do that, now you have him right
where you want him.
I'm not listening to you anymore.
Dorothy was right, you got me into trouble,
you got Rose into trouble.
You'd get Dorothy into trouble if anyone
was interested in her. (audience laughing)
Wait a minute, why just the other day
that guy that works with our gardener.
You know the one with the leaf blower
told me that I look nice with a little lilt in his voice
and tried to blow my skirt over my head.
(audience laughing)
Everything but the white horse, huh pussycat?
Look Sophia Petrillo doesn't give up.
She fights for her man, she can overcome anything.
She needs 10 bucks for a cab. (audience laughing)
(playful music)
Last chance Rose, better come go with me.
Oh no, I'm too depressed to go to a firehouse.
(audience laughing)
The invitation says I can bring a friend to the barbecue.
Come on Rose, they're fireman, after a couple of drinks
they start to do CPR. (audience laughing)
I envy you Blanche, you really have it together, not me.
I have too many hangups. Good night.
Rose I think you oughta know somethin', I didn't tell you.
In fact, I never told anybody,
but I cry every Thursday night.
But I thought you were so happy.
I am most of the time,
but hey it's hard being Blanche Devereaux all the time.
Does begin to take its toll, it's kinda lonely
not havin' someone nice and decent like Miles.
My advice works with my men,
you know the shyly guys I go out with.
But if you still want my advice, here it is, call Miles.
Honey, Blanche is right he's reasonable he'll understand.
I'm gonna call him and I'm gonna tell him the truth.
You were right all along Dorothy,
the truth is always the best.
That is very wise Rose.
Well I don't want you to think I just made that up.
(audience laughing)
I saw it this afternoon on TV when I was watching
the new Lassie. (audience laughing)
You know that's actually an interesting story.
You see the new Timmy was lost and the new Lassie
was trying to tell the new grandpa where he was.
So the new Lassie came in. Rose, did I ever tell you
that I cry every Tuesday at 8:05, excuse me.
(phone ringing) Hello?
Oh Helgi, so what's going on in Saint Olaf?
I can't understand you honey, are you moaning?
No, say it slowly.
Oh god it's raining, oh god it's raining, oh god.
Oh god it's raining, here I gotta get to Miles.
(audience laughing) Boy it must be pouring.
(knocks on door) Sophia,
it's good to see you.
I just came by to pick up my MedicAlert bracelet.
I believe I left it here last week.
(audience laughing)
I'm wearing it. That's dangerous.
No, it turns out we're both allergic to the same things.
Aww. Aww.
I missed you.
You missed me so much you haven't called me in a week.
Sophia, sit down.
I picked up that phone a hundred times,
but I just couldn't make that call.
I hadn't told anyone I loved them since my wife died.
That's a long time ago.
Yeah, but this I care for you thing has always worked
up until now. (audience laughing)
Sophia, I do love you. I love you too.
So what do we do now? (audience laughing)
You wanna see pictures of my late wife?
(audience laughing)
I thought you'd never ask,
I brought some of my husband Sal.
(audience laughing)
("Thank You for Being a Friend" by Andrew Gold)