- How was Cabinet this morning? - It was good.
With reshufﬂe coming up everybody's desperate to impress.
Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens but...
She didn't really but it was pretty embarrassing.
— OK... - And in terms of shufﬂe-y stuff
Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think that means?
Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits
just in case her blood sugar level drops.
That woman, she's unbelievable.
I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles.
Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's gone a bit downward.
- Constitutional affairs... - That's gotta hurt, constitutional affairs.
- That's the Ginger Spice ofthe... - Ofthe what, Hugh?
- Of the... - Of the what?
- Ginger Spice. - The whole...
Jesus Christ, what fucking century are you living in?
There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in The Heat magazine.
She shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF.
Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.
I was at the Wolseley with Emma.
That's your Opposition bit of skirt, is it?
Don't say bit of skirt, it makes you sound like Syd James.
- What is wrong with "bit of skirt"? - It's just...
Syd James was always my favourite, better than that Graham Norton.
(Olly) Yeah, well, Emma was saying the Opposition have a policy
that's actually quite nice, I thought we could maybe borrow it
- you know, throw it at the prime minister. - Yeah.
It's called interactive choice solutions.
A series of online referenda, you know, choose your hospital through your mobile, kind of...
- It's the sort of idea clever people hate. - Exactly.
I like it. I'll casually drop it in an email so he can't wrinkle his nose up at it.
- Unless he's got one ofthose face things. - Emoticons.
It looked like Fatty was the one on his way out but now it could just as likely be me.
If you're worried about Fatty we could start gently brieﬁng against him.
I know it's late in the day and it's not the ﬁrst thing we want to do...
Yeah, "Abbot says Fatty's a twat."
I think that makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.
Mm, it doesn't have to be you directly, does it.
Robyn? That's like giving a child a ﬁrework.
- Not Robyn. - Actually that's where your bit of skirt
sorry, whatever the modern - your ho - your ho could actually be quite helpful.
Ifyou were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents,
you know, just lying by the loo.
- Whoa, whoa... - And then...
Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.
Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being
as mad as a jackdaw on crack, castratingly right-wing zealot
and disappointingly below par in the blowjob department
so why the sudden outbreak of principle?
Morning.
Oh, it would be very rude of me if I didn't introduce by name
Julius Nicholson's press secretary, who is with us here today.
OK, like yesterday, I want the same people to go to more or less the same places
and say more or less the same things.
Pete, talk to the comment pages of The Times.
Mike, Steve, Karl, we'll talk about that bundle later
and the rest ofyou I won't bore you any further. Any questions?
Yeah, no, well, it didn't last as long as usual.
Yes, well... OK, what ideas have you come up with now?
Is it devolution for Southwark or the ministry of salad?
I tell you what, it's like I've got nothing better to do than deal with that stuff.
He is not getting anywhere near my fucking patch, I'll tell you that.
That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.
OK, Tom, I'll talk to you later.
Thanks. How you doing this morning?
- Good. Yourself? - Very well, thank you!
- Thank you. - Catch you later.
- Juliusl Julius, a wee word with you. - Sure.
- Got a minute? - Course, course. What's the prob?
No, no problem. It's just, is that the thing you were talking about?
Ah, yes. Yes, they've put it in place.
I tried to... I can't get it open.
Mine will do it but yours isn't authorised yet so...
Well, can you get this authorised for me?
Not an issue, I mean...
All you've got to do is that and...there you go.
And we're in. Good day to you, sir, good day to me.
- Oh, wow. Terriﬁc. - Here we are.
It's quite a nice size.
- Well, we'll see. - Good light.
Well, I'll...maybe see you later.
- Are you still in the frame for Question Time? - Yes, but they'll go for Fatty
to take advantage of the widescreen option.
- (Laughter) - Any, erm... Are there any shuffle-y rumours?
Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Ofﬁce.
(Olly) The thing about this moving ofﬁces
just from one place to another, completely different, it's fucked as a system, isn't it?
Because it wouldn't happen in any other job.
If you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English at Oxford
and somebody came through the door and went, "Hey, guess what?
"You're now, er, Professor onoology," that would be mental.
You'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit
just saying to people,
"How many 0's in Zoology? I don't know, this isn't really my ﬁeld."
All that information that you've built up over years and years about Chaucer or whatever
is of no use any more because Chaucer didn't write about baboons.
Olly, these are very undergraduate concerns.
My point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.
That's why you have advisors, you twat.
- I am being serious. - So am I. You are a twat.
- A lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. - (Telephone)
- It's a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. - So a lot is incredibly dangerous.
Terri, it's Glenn.
Well, when you stop fannying about and get back here into the office
maybe you can criticise me.
Poor fucker probably committed suicide.
That party was meant to make me look good.
Yeah? Well, you can't polish a turd, can you?
Especially a turd that shits on his own men.
That doesn't work, does it? Because a turd doesn't shit. One-nil to me.
You've been a naughty lot, haven't you?
And you've been a naughty boy.
Brieﬁng against poor Fatty, eh?
You're very bad. You're very bad.
You're very bad. You're all very very bad men.
Are you just toying with me now?
No. I'm gonna ask you to brief against Nicholson.
Oh, I really would rather not.
I'm-I'm in enough shit as it is.
- OK, let me put this another way. - Yes?
- I'm gonna ask you to brief against Nicholson. - What ifI refuse?
I will brief that you were brieﬁng against Fatty.
You will be up to your tits in cack because ministers do not brief against ministers.
Well, you're saying that I'm a minister and you're gonna brief against me.
But I'm not a minister, am I? And neither will you be ifI brief against you.
So unless I brief against Nicholson you'll brief against me
- that I was brieﬁng against Fatty? - By Jove, he's got it!
In brief.