This programme contains adult humour and strong language
OK, studio, standby. Ready on the floor. Sound? Ready in sound.
Lighting? Good to go. Mrs Brown?
Mrs Brown?
LAUGHTER
Feck off!
Standby titles. Coming to camera ten.
Good luck, everybody and run titles.
Heh heh heh heh heh!
Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys Live!
# She's Mrs Brown, Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown, Agnes
# Our Mrs Brown. #
APPLAUSE
'Police notice - a man is terrorising the Finglas area.
'He's seven foot seven inches tall carrying a baseball bat.
'If he knocks on your door, don't call us, do what he feckin' says.'
LAUGHTER
Hello.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello.
You're all very welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys Live.
That means that this can't be edited. Ha-ha-ha!
LAUGHTER
SHE GUFFAWS
Somebody will be leaving the BBC on Monday.
And it could be Ken the cameraman.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't touch anything, Ken.
His camera's not plugged in.
I want to thank the British Boardcorping Castration
and Raidio Teilifis Eireann, which is Irish for Raidio Teilifis Eireann
for this wonderful opportunity to address my subjects live.
So what's the difference between this episode and any other episode?
Well, for a start, they've put one of these in my ear.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
I know.
That's so they can tell me what to say and what not to say.
Hello!
Now...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's not going to happen.
You know, my mother used to say...
Ooh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Dermot. Hello, Maria. Hiya. Hiya, Ma. Is Buster here?
Buster? No. Typical.
He was supposed to meet me here at...
LAUGHTER
Now.
You look a bit befuddled, son.
He is. Yeah.
I might have to let Buster go.
Oh, no.
You've been best friends for years.
It's not easy to let your best friend go.
No, it's not, but Dermot's the boss and, friends apart,
the business is what's important.
But why?
Acme Frozen Foods.
LAUGHTER
I could see your man boobs there when you did that.
LAUGHTER
This is the most important contract I've ever had.
A year's business and Buster's just not doing the business.
Who's Acme Frozen Foods?
Suppliers of frozen food throughout the ready meal and
convenience food market. Not just fresh frozen, but frozen fresh.
Fields of fresh food frozen fresh for your freezer.
Fat and fructose free and famously full of flavour!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm sorry, love, what?
LAUGHTER
HE EXHALES
Suppliers of frozen food throughout the ready meal and
convenience food market. Not just fresh frozen, but frozen fresh.
Fields of fresh food frozen fresh for your freezer.
Fat and fructose free and famously full of flavour!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Did you understand that? Yeah.
Did you? No. What was it?
LAUGHTER
Well, they're suppliers of fresh food frozen for your freezer...
Yeah, forget it.
Well, I suppose that is a big contract, I see.
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, son.
You're here. And I'm ready to go.
Buster, did you rehearse? Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
Show us what you do when you hand out the leaflet.
Be the penguin. I am, Dermot.
I'm freezin'!
LAUGHTER
Acme Freshly Frozen Foods available in the freezer section.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
DOORBELL RINGS
A fucking cuckoo penguin?!
I'll get the door. Excuse me.
I don't feel well. I know. I rang Dr Flynn and told him.
That could be him now.
Don't feel well? You were BORN not feeling well.
You're never well. Look at the face on you.
Jeez, you look like you're the belt of a bus.
You need to get more exercise. That's what's wrong with you.
Changing channels on the television is not a work-out!
I tell you, your main problem is you're a lazy fe...
Father Damien!
Hello. Come in, Father Damien, come in.
Hello, Grandad. He's not the doctor!
No, he's a priest. It's worse than we thought.
LAUGHTER
I feel great.
Yeah, I bet you do.
Father Damien, can I get you a cup of tea? No, thanks, Mrs Brown.
I just popped in to ask a favour. Oh, what can I do for you?
Do you know Mr Cunningham? The scout master? Exactly.
Yes, I do drop Bono to the scouts now and again so I do see him there.
Well, Mr Cunningham is heading away to the World Scout Conference.
Oh, Bangkok again?
LAUGHTER
We don't know what they get up to there, do we? Sorry? The devils.
Anyway, he needs someone... They asked me to get...
Tell you what, why don't you go back to that bit again. Yeah.
Do you know what happened there? I got excited and I improvised.
LAUGHTER
I won't be doing that again.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what? What? He needs someone to step in from this week.
Oh. He gave me a list of possible leaders to ask
and I wanted to know, would you do it?
How many's on the list? 26.
26 and you came to me first? Yes, of course.
No problem, Father. You leave it to me.
Dib-dib-dib, follow me.
Left and right and left and right.
Hello, Father Damien. Your sermon this morning was lovely.
Oh, thank you, Maria.
Well, you know I've always found the Letter to St Paul to be very...
Father, Father, it was just a comment not a review.
You'll have a cup of tea? No, thanks, Mrs Brown.
I've an appointment in Monkstown and I don't even know how to get here.
I know where Monkstown is. Really?
What's the quickest way to get there? Are you driving or walking?
Driving. Yeah, that's the quickest way.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Father Damien, how come you never smell of fish?
You know why... I'll tell you why, because...
Rory says he sees you out trawling all the time.
You never smell of fish, never.
The thing... Maybe you're using the wrong bait?
I am indeed. What are you trying to get, crabs, is it?
I...well...
LAUGHTER
Sometimes I go for crabs. Father Damien...
has asked me to step into the boy scout troop for the week
just to knock the troop into shape, you know? Well, I don't know...
Father, now... Don't you worry, you're in good hands.
Good-o, then.
Teach them the trust fall. What? What's a trust fall?
Close your eyes,
stay rigid,
and just fall but trust me to catch you.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't trust you to catch a buckin' cold!
Dermot, you catch her. You trust Dermot, don't ya?
With all my heart. Come here. Stand over here, OK.
Close your eyes. OK. Stay rigid... Yes, I am.
..and when you're ready, just fall and trust Dermot to catch you.
I'm nervous. Don't worry, Mammy, I'll catch you. OK, love.
Go.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'll let myself out. Go, go!
Doing your work-out, Agnes?
Yes, I was just warming up for my weights.
Do you want to spot me?
Do you want a cup of tea, Winnie? Oh, yes, please, love.
I'm gasping for a cuppa. That church was freezing this morning.
Maria was down there as well.
Why were you all down the church on a Saturday morning?
It was a memorial mass for Lily Quinn's husband.
He's dead five years now. Five years? Jesus Christ.
That flew, didn't it? Didn't it just?
God love poor Lily.
She looked really sad. Oh, that's sad.
You know, she blames herself for his death.
Yeah, well she did fuckin' shoot him.
LAUGHTER
I suppose.
Ooh! Are you all right?
No, I'm not feeling great, Agnes. I didn't sleep a wink last night.
One minute I'm hot, then I'm cold, then I'm not again and then itchy.
Itchy?
Itchy where?
In bed.
LAUGHTER
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You should go down to the doctor and get that checked out.
No, Sharon's going to check it on the internet.
Winnie, don't do that.
I know somebody who did that and they died of a misprint.
You're right, Agnes.
I'm going to pop down and see Dr Flynn right now. You do, love.
And tell him everything. I will.
Oh, don't be worrying about Winnie.
Winnie's a hypochondriac.
Hypochondriac, yeah.
Somebody in EastEnders gets a cold, Winnie feckin' sneezes.
Who was that? It was Winnie. Want a cup of tea, Cathy? Please.
She's gone down to the doctor.
Says she's not well.
Yeah, Sharon said something about that last night.
I hope it's nothing serious. Serious? What do you mean?
Well, a fever, chills, skin irritation.
Sounds like nothing I've heard of.
Sounds like the mange.
LAUGHTER
She's not barking as much as she used to!
Ruff-ruff!
Hello, you two. Hiya, Ma.
Hello, son. Cup of tea, Mark? No, I'm on my way into work. Oh, OK.
Right then, I'll see you later.
Sure.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Right, see ya's. Bye.
Would you like a cup of tea, Betty?
No, thanks.
THEY MOUTH SILENTLY
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right then, I'm off to the scout shop.
The scout shop? Yeah, to get a few things.
Tell Bono I'll be bringing him down the scouts myself this week.
He'll be thrilled. Yes.
Out the way, Rory.
Mammy. What, Rory? Have you got a few minutes to talk?
Rory, no, we're live!
Mammy, I have an idea. Rory, no!
L-I-F-E, live! Come on! But Mammy!
Rory, don't push me. I haven't time.
I have to get changed for the next scene. Mammy!
Shut up, here, hold them knickers. Urgh!
LAUGHTER
Here, no goodbye kiss. Everything all right with you and Mark?
What do you think of that? I want to get it.
Wow, what an amazing bedroom. Which part are you looking to get?
All of it. All of it? Looks expensive.
That's what Mark said too, but take a good look at it.
Most of it's carpentry. He is a carpenter. Hmm.
Cathy, we've been in business now for two years.
We're doing all right. We deserve a treat and this is a treat.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
The Brown men can be pretty stubborn.
Hmm, not half as stubborn as a Donegal girl,
except when it comes to sex!
APPLAUSE
You're just not making the effort, Buster.
You have to BE the penguin.
I am, Dermot. What do you want me to do, start pissing ice cubes?
Don't get smart.
Go on then, try again.
HE CLUCKS
That's a chicken.
HE BLEATS
And that's a goat.
Jaysus!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That seat is taken, son.
LAUGHTER
Jaysus, Agnes, it's yerself!
Are you going to a fancy dress?
No, I'm helping out in Bono's scout troop for three nights this week.
Ah, fair play to you, Agnes, that's a lovely thing to do.
Oh, it's easy.
I just play games with them
and every 30 minutes I gave them a smoke break.
I gave them a badge for rolling their own. Thanks, Sharon.
Here, I finished my jigsaw. Oh, well done. How long did that take you?
Two months.
Two months? Yeah.
Is that not a bit long for a jigsaw?
No, on the box it said, "Two-to-four years."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So how did you get on down the doctor? Ah, grand.
He said I've nothing to worry about. Oh, good. I'm just getting a stroke.
WHAT?!
No, wait, I'm getting the flu.
It was Sharon said it was a stroke from the internet.
Yeah, thought she would.
Anyway, I'm going for a second opinion. Good girl.
What doctor? Oh, she's not a doctor. She's a spiritualist and a healer.
Winnie, don't start that shite.
No, Agnes, this one is REALLY good.
She helped the police find a body. What would you call that?
I'd call her a buckin' suspect!
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry to hear about Mark and Betty having, you know...
Having what? Bedroom problems.
Who told you that?
Sharon. Cathy was telling her.
I thought Betty was a bit quiet this morning all right.
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
It is something to worry about, Winnie.
A woman bottles up her sex drive, people die!
Small animals get nervous.
LAUGHTER
Did you ever have to bottle it up?
Oh, god, no! My Redser could do it twice. Ooh!
I liked the December one the best.
LAUGHTER
You should have heard the noise he made when he was having an organism.
LAUGHTER
Woke me up every time.
LAUGHTER
And I was downstairs!
When he was making love he used to go, "He-he..."
SNORES
Well, my Jacko was really good at it. Yes, he was.
AUDIENCE ROARS
What?
I said, "That's nice."
LAUGHTER
Well, you know something, you're better off leaving it to Mark
and Betty to suit it...sort it out themselves.
I will suitsa-sortsa-out...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I've no doubt that Mark and Betty will be able to
suitsa-sortsa out themselves.
But, you know, maybe with a little bit of help.
EASTENDERS "DOOF-DOOFS" PLAY
Sorry, sorry, it's my fuckin' ringtone.
It's the director. Oh!
Hello, Ben.
I wasn't supposed to?
That's why I turned out the fuckin' radio mic.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rory, I know you're upset that Mammy wouldn't listen.
She wouldn't and when I tried to talk to her, she said to me,
"Hold me knickers!"
Well, I'm listening. Thanks, Cathy.
Now what we need to do is keep a level head
and discuss this in a calm way.
Agreed? Agreed. Agreed.
Right, then, Dino, why don't you start?
The owner of the salon... Wash & Blow. I know.
Well, the owner has decided to sell up and retire to Spain and...
Ooh, I'm too excited! Take it, Rory.
LAUGHTER
Well, he's offered to let me and Dino do a management buy-out!
That's really exciting. My God, guys.
LAUGHTER
Am I interrupting something I should have been invited to?
No. Directors' meeting, Mammy.
THEY CACKLE
Who's the directors? Me and Dino.
Heh-heh-heh, I wouldn't let you direct traffic up a one-way street.
Mammy! And you, Dino, I don't like the way you speak to my son.
I saw the note you left - "Don't forget to pay the rent... boy."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, boys, the essence of good business is preparation.
Fail to prepare, then prepare to fail.
LAUGHTER
'Mount the rampant stallion.'
LAUGHTER
Now, the first thing you have to look at is cost and income.
LAUGHTER
Come on, horsey! Heh-heh-heh!
Ooh, ooh... OOH!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right then, that's rent, electric, rates, wages, stock.
Allow 500 for miscellaneous.
Who's she?
LAUGHTER
Do you know, lads, I think with 10,000 you could do this.
Really? Where we going to get that?
Feck it, we'll get it somewhere!
THEY CACKLE
Wash me.
Blow me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What is going on here? Mammy, me and Dino are taking over Wash & Blow!
Under new management.
Wash & Blow.
I wash. And I...
LAUGHTER
And you keep your fuckin' mouth shut.
LAUGHTER
Right then, well, first things first, a business plan.
Right, let's get back to the apartment and start working on it.
Hold on. Whoa, Rory.
LAUGHTER
Sit down, I want to talk to you.
Sit down.
Rory, have you seen Mrs Murphy's pussy?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
There's a photograph of it down in the post office.
It's buckin' huge!
I don't know what she's stuffing into it but it's more than Kitekat!
LAUGHTER
It's been missing for five days.
She said she let it out for a wee
and he couldn't get back in...
cos her flap was frozen.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rory should drop in on his way down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're in early, Maria. Thanks, Sharon.
I was hoping to meet Dermot when he finishes work.
Speak of the Devil.
Hiya, love. Hiya. Hiya, Maria.
Dermot, I'm just going to the jacks.
Well, was he any better today? He's trying but...
I'll leave you to do what you have to do.
Pint, Dermot? That was quick.
It was just a fart.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Sharon, two pints when you're ready, please.
Listen, Buster...
we need to talk.
Go ahead, Dermot, I'm all ears.
Well, not really cos penguins don't have ears.
That's why I never really got it when you see pictures of them
on Christmas cards with earmuffs on.
Buster, stop. Now, listen...
Agnes, look. Look at them two old dears out for a drink.
That'll be us in ten years' time.
LAUGHTER
Winnie, that's a fuckin' mirror.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Mammy... Rory. ..could I just have a minute?
LIVE, Rory! Feck off!
LAUGHTER
Betty, who's that on the front of your magazine?
Holly Willoughby. Holly Willoughby, she's beautiful.
Do you think? I do. Oh, I don't know.
I mean, take away the blue eyes, the blond hair and the figure
and what have you got?
You. Heh-heh-heh-heh!
With varicose veins.
Betty, would you tell Mark, when he gets a chance,
I want to have an adult chat with him? Sure.
You all right, Maria? Oh, I'm just worried about Dermot.
It's not easy for him. What's not easy?
He's firing Buster. Oh, no, why?
Dermot has a really big contract and Buster's not up to scratch.
Can Dermot not work with him and get him up to scratch?
He can't, he has eight other staff now. He can't take the chance.
He has to show leadership. Business is business.
Is it, Betty? Is business always just business? Aye.
Open the window in there when you've finished.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Do you know, I remember when Dermot was just starting off.
There was just him and Buster.
How much did Dermot pay Buster for those first few weeks?
He didn't pay him. Couldn't afford to pay him, not then.
Just as well business wasn't business back then, isn't it?
AUDIENCE GROANS
Excuse me a minute.
Here, Agnes, I went to that spiritualist.
Right, and what did she say?
Well, she said...
SHE SNEEZES
..she said I had the flu.
LAUGHTER
So what was her cure? She told me to go to the doctor.
LAUGHTER
She's amazing(!)
I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.
Dermot, wait. Maria, leave this to me.
Maria, I can't believe it.
Buster, look, it's a mistake. No!
You can't take it back now. What?
Supervisor?
I've never been promoted before.
Promoted?
Yeah, and Dermot said it was all your idea.
Thanks, Maria.
No problem, Buster.
Sharon, two more pints when you're ready there, please.
And they're on me.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
APPLAUSE
Hiya, Cathy. Hiya, Betty.
Hiya, Cathy. Hiya, Mark. Mammy said she wanted to talk to me.
And I want to talk to her.
Is she here?
Yeah, she's in the sitting room with Winnie watching television.
I think it's Game of Thrones.
LAUGHTER
TV: GRUNTING SOUNDS
Mammy.
MAMMY!
Oh, Mark! Hello, Mark.
We were just flicking... through the stations!
Just flicking through the stations.
Bono was given this letter to bring home from school.
It's from his school trip. What does it say?
'We would ask you not to allow Mrs Brown attend
'the scout meetings again.'
Agnes, what did you do? Nothing. I just gave the scouts a few tips.
A few tips? Was one of your tips - "Never pay a stripper up front"?
LAUGHTER
Mammy! It was a metaphor.
A metaphor? Yes. A metaphor about what?
Never pay a prostitute... Mammy!
LAUGHTER
Do you want tea, Betty?
Aye, Cathy.
I meant well, Mark. Winter's coming.
Whatever, Mammy. You wanted to have a chat with me? Oh, yes.
Winnie, off home with you. This is family business.
Right. What channel was that... Winnie, go home! Just go!
LAUGHTER
Sit down, son.
Well? Yeah, w-well, erm...
How are you?
I'm grand. Yeah.
You got something on your mind
or are you stressed?
No.
Mark, I heard on the grapevine
that you and Betty are having bedroom problems.
For God's sake, who told you that?
Mark, my sources must remain amon-manom-amonymous.
LAUGHTER
Sharon McGoogan.
It's no big deal, ma.
It is a big deal, son. I've seen marriages fall over these things.
Well, it's not that serious.
It's just about timing.
Timing?
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I mean, I've no problem putting it in...
LAUGHTER
..but I wanted to wait until I was a bit slacker.
Slacker? Slacker?
LAUGHTER
I haven't looked at it closely. I'm not even sure if it will fit.
LAUGHTER
Your father had to use washers!
I didn't know it meant that much to Betty.
You know what, I'm going to bring it home now and get started on it.
Whoa, whoa, Mark.
Right, Betty, come on.
You and me are going home now to do some measuring in the bedroom.
We're going to see what fits where. Really? The whole thing?
Well, I'll see what I can get in.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Mammy.
Come on, Mammy. Oh, Cathy.
Cathy, things have changed since my day.
Mammy, as long as Betty gets what she wants.
I bet Betty's going to get a bit more than she feckin' bargained for!
LAUGHTER
Well, there you are. Just another episode of Mrs Brown's Boys.
Nothing's changed. Well, we've got a new producer who's very young.
The director's up there breastfeeding him now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And they're both enjoying it.
No, it's just a normal episode. You know, Rory can't get a word in.
Buster can't do a bird sound.
Cathy can't get a man.
And Mark, it seems, can't get it all in.
LAUGHTER
You know...
Ciaran, in here!
You know, a lot of people thought this was just going to be
half an hour of bad language.
Fuck's sake!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Do you know, the older I get,
the more I see this world is becoming disposable.
Disposable nappies, disposable cell phones,
disposable governments, even disposable banks.
There doesn't seem like there's anything you can depend on anymore.
Let me tell you this.
If you ever feel lonely or a bit down,
turn on the television and flick to comedy.
Yeah, have yourself a good laugh.
From Dad's Army to Fawlty Towers,
Only Fools And Horses,
we'll be there.
You can depend on that.
Agnes Brown, out.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all she wears the crown
# Mother hen watching all her chicks
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown, Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown, Agnes
# Our Mrs Brown. #
Mammy. What, Rory?
Can we talk now? Oh, yes, love, we're off air.
What do you want? Mammy, I need ten grand.
You can fuck off!