INTELLIGENCE SERVICES HEADQUARTERS
NEWS
The popular Euro deputy, Giannina Ricci,
will be back in Spain next week.
After her tour of Europe
closing factories that posed an environmental threat,
she will continue with her investigations
at the International Ecological Forum
now being held in Madrid,
presenting a detailed report
on illegal activities carried out by various companies,
including the multinational Petronosa.
Her radical defense of environmental laws
has won her many enemies
and there have already been two attempts on her life,
fortunately without serious consequences.
The Ministry of the Interior has said it will redouble its efforts
to ensure Miss Ricci's safety in our country.
So now that woman is coming to fuck us up here in Spain.
Imagine if she closes Petronosa with her report.
We're talking about a loss of millions and millions of euros.
Gentlemen, that woman may be a nuisance
but it's our duty to protect her.
Well, you needn't go overboard with the protection.
The people I represent
would be delighted if...
You understand?
Don't insist, Montellini. We're obliged to give this case
-to our best man. -The number one, at least.
-Yes, yes, I understand. -Mr. Salas...
Juan Francisco, not now.
No, it's just that, as you sent for me...
But you're looking at things, aren't you? Get out.
Yes, Mr. Salas. Excuse me.
You are geniuses.
Yes.
But no.
It's not him.
We've got someone better.
Much better.
Hey, sweets! Sweetie!
Bring me a couple of fried eggs.
My guts are rattling.
Some blood pudding, salami, something I can get my teeth into.
I'm sorry, sir, we won't be serving any more meals.
Those little box things you served, you call those "meals"?
Fucking great.
I should have come on the bus, like always.
Sorry, kid, but if you'd seen the lousy meal they gave us.
Mind you, the old coot beside me was licking her plate.
What do you mean, you can't talk on a cell phone on the plane?
I'm talking, aren't I?
Ma'am, mind your own business!
This is outrageous!
Ma'am, please!
Get your ass off me!
The Peruvian didn't pay up?
I'm telling you.
Hang on, Josito.
The bitch who was sitting next to me went and told the air hostess.
Sir, you can't use your phone during the flight.
It could affect our electronics,
you're endangering everyone on board.
-What do you mean? -The phone.
-What phone? -Your phone!
What phone do you mean?
Arabs! Arabs!
They don't know who I am. Don't worry, love!
I'm a policeman!
Let's calm down, kid. What are you saying?
Take another step and I'll kill him!
Hassan, come on, don't talk rubbish.
How are you going to kill that man with a plastic fork? You can't do it.
Shit! Yes, you can!
You bastard!
Calm down, I'm a secret agent, I've got a gun somewhere!
Calm down, everyone!
I've got it! I'm here to protect you!
Ma'am! Stop screaming.
How do you expect me to hit anything? This is a high-precision weapon.
THE PROTECTOR
So he spends all day doing weights, does he?
You wouldn't know him. He's turned into a he-man.
It's unbelievable.
I don't believe it, Josito.
No, wait till you see him. He's like a different person.
Cool.
He's a great guy.
Yeah, I know he's a great guy
but do you think he'll want to lend me his gun?
Not his own gun, but he'll get one for you. Come on.
Yeah.
Torrente!
Fuck!
What's up, guys?
I'm just doing a bit of sport here.
You're skin and bone!
Who'd have thought it, Torrente? You're pure sinew.
Muscle, kid. Look at these pecs.
It's true, you're really in fighting shape.
Impressed, aren't you? Come on, sit down.
I'm not back on top form yet
but I've always been an athlete.
The police force has regained its faith in me again.
I've got a special mission.
I have to protect some high-class dame.
And I have to select and train an elite corps to serve under me.
So you thought of us, didn't you?
We'll see.
I mean, not just anyone can do this.
Even I had to transform my body into a fighting machine.
That's an isotonic drink.
I'm like new, kid. Now I'll do 1,000 press-ups.
A Spaniard! From Spain!
TRAINING CENTER FORENSIC POLICE
I've been dying to meet you, Jose Luis.
You're a real institution within the force.
That's true, but not everyone recognizes it.
Can you believe they had me on patrol for years like a sap?
But you're obviously leadership material.
-And you know what you're doing. -You noticed that.
-We got the people you wanted. -Terrific.
It was hard, some of them weren't on the force anymore.
-Why's that? -They were in jail.
Probably due to judicial errors.
No doubt about it. Salas, I'll tell you something.
If I'm going to risk my neck, I want the best men around me,
and the kids coming out of the academy now...
Between ourselves, they haven't got what it takes.
I completely agree with you, Jose Luis.
-Even so, as a personal favor... -Whatever you want.
I'd like you to take Solis as your assistant.
-Solis? -The nephew of a friend.
He hasn't been on the force long but he hasn't gone unnoticed.
Juan Francisco!
Sir?
This is Jose Luis Torrente.
From now on, as I told you, you're under his orders.
Yes, sir!
Very good. You show promise, kid. Where are you from?
Viana do Boulo, sir.
Excellent! Good old La Mancha. Good salami, blood sausage...
But Viana is up in Galicia, sir.
I know that. I was just checking you were on the alert.
Well, Jose Luis, from now on feel right at home here.
Thank you, Salas.
Listen, kid. I don't know whose nephew you are,
but if you touch my fucking face again I'll blow your head off!
Now, piss off.
Churreti...
Vizcarra...
Calvo Tellez. A great guy.
-Manolito. -How're you doing?
Barragan is a great informer.
Ordoñez, I see you're still carrying the grenade.
It goes everywhere with me.
Camullas...
An expert in martial arts. He's incredible.
Calatrava, for God's sake. Why are you so fat? You look like a barrel.
Have a bit of respect for yourself. You're very fat.
Ramirez. I did my military service with him. He used to wet the bed.
Arellano...
I thought you were dead. Well..-
Robledillo...
He was one of the brains behind the glorious 23-F.
-What's the 23-F? -What is it?
Mother's Day, you motherfucker.
Who's this?
I'm Linares. My cousin Torrelavega couldn't come.
I see.
How are you, Contreras? Still a night watchman?
You got it, Torrente. Since I killed those people,
the police don't want to know me.
The world is full of ingratitude.
But I know you still have that killer instinct.
And you're going to prove it. Kill that kid.
Go on! Go on!
Kill him!
Go on, kill him!
Hold it! Hold it, kid! You'll kill him.
Hold it, hold it!
You'll kill him! Stop, stop! Let him live.
That's the kind of man I like, one like this!
Ready for action, with no hang-ups!
No whining about "I look stupid" or "I'm a dwarf"
or "I'm from a shitty village". No!
"I'm a policeman, I'm Spanish
and I'm a fucking killing machine!" Understood?
-Yes, sir! -Yes, sir.
Fucking hell.
Shit.
Solis, fix that thing.
Yes, sir.
All right. The chick you're going to see now
is the floozy that we've been ordered to protect.
Hot stuff, eh?
Ordóñez!
No jerking off. I can see you.
I've also personally drawn a fairly precise sketch
so you can see our various journeys.
The most dangerous part will be getting her from the hotel
to the gala dinner.
We'll be very vulnerable...
Linares... Linares...
Are you fucking listening?
For Christ's sake! Fuck!
Look, Linares.
The security measures at our prince's wedding,
when he married that newsreader,
who planned them?
And when His Holiness comes to Spain, who do they call in?
You're with the No. 1. Maybe you'll learn something.
You were lucky enough to be chosen for Operation...
Woxter! We've spent months on it.
So, fucking listen!
I can't believe it, Torrente.
It's like a dream.
I'm telling you.
Until now, I've never really cared about girls,
but I'm in love, Torrente.
That's great, kid. She give a good blow job?
Torrente, you're the limit.
There's none of that.
Vanessa isn't one of those.
She isn't one of those? Are you stupid?
Haven't you screwed her?
No, she's saving herself.
Saving herself?
Yes. She's a virgin.
Go fuck yourself!
We've got work in the park.
Like they owned the place. There's more and more of them.
The birth rate is very high in their countries.
They can't earn enough to live.
And do they have to come here and screw things up for us?
They're not harming anyone.
You fucking little shit!
Don't run, you bastard. I know your face!
Mister, can I have our ball back, please?
Of course, sonny. Here's your ball! Catch that!
There's Nelson.
Nelson, come here, you bastard.
Yes, sir. There you are, sir.
It wasn't easy but it's all there.
My papers, sir?
Listen to me, boy. I don't think you understand.
This is to get things started.
You have to find another nine friends with money
-because this thing is done in tens. -But at the consulate they told me...
Screw the consulate!
I'm risking my job doing this.
I'm taking a lot of risks. I'm doing you a big favor.
But I'm scared.
You weren't scared to come and screw someone else's country, were you?
Get out of my sight before I lose my temper
and I book you!
These Indians are never happy.
People have no gratitude anymore.
Yeah, it's incredible.
I have to go, I've arranged to see my grandmother.
If you've got business, that's OK.
No, kid, it's no excuse, it's true.
I have to see my grandmother, in La Celsa.
Apparently it's serious.
Listen, that's right by the house I've just rented.
Why not come and meet my girlfriend?
No, that sort of thing...
-Come on, Torrente. -I don't...
Look, there she is.
Vanesa, darling!
-Ratbag! -Lousy slimebucket.
It's probably a friend of hers. We're all buddies around here.
She's a sweetheart. You'll be crazy about her.
Shithead! I'll never buy from you again!
-Darling. -Did you bring me that?
Darling, do you know who this is?
-Didn't you get me a fix? -It's Torrente.
Petal, we're going to protect some international European dame.
Shit, the Conservatives really improved this place.
Dammit, I stepped in a puddle.
Or was it a rat?
Grandma?
Grandma!
-My boy. -Grandma...
It's lovely to see you.
Don't stand over there.
Come a bit closer, come on.
I haven't been to see you for a little while.
-Only five years. -Well...
You probably had a lot of things to do.
Come here.
Yeah, I've been busy, I've been so fucking busy.
I've got so much on my mind...
Grandma, you're in good form.
I'm in a bad way, very bad, I'm dying.
Don't talk rubbish, you're strong as a horse.
Don't interrupt me!
You did a bad thing and I'd like you to sort it out.
Bad? If you mean grandad's medals,
the ones that disappeared, I had nothing to do with that.
No, no. Do you remember Manoli?
The whore?
Watch your mouth, faggot!
That girl sold her body out of necessity
and you took advantage of her.
Took advantage of her? She gave me the clap.
She's here.
Here? She's come here?
Jose Luis, remember me?
Fucking hell!
It's been over 20 years.
What's going on, grandma?
You have to take responsibility for what you do in this life.
I reared the boy as best I could
but things are really tough.
What's she on about?
You're someone with a lot of influence.
We're talking about the child's future.
Wait a minute. Child? What child?
Jose Luis, your son!
Dad.
Dad!
-Daddy! -Hang on.
How could this thing be my son?
I mean... He's a porker! Just look at me.
Grandma!
Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!
Jose Luis, you can't do this to me.
You can't be so heartless.
This is your son
and you have to help him. You have to find him a job.
Promise me, Jose. Promise me.
Grandma, you're confused.
Look, who can give me a guarantee that this thing is my son?
But he's got your eyes.
Don't give me that shit! He's got eyes like a toad.
Grandma!
Now the faggot's going to cry.
Don't cry, Pepito.
There, there, your grandma's here.
It's all lies, it's a set-up.
TRAINING CENTER
Guys,
you're the best of the best.
I chose all of you personally because you're the No. 1's,
each one in his own field.
But that isn't enough. We must go farther.
By means of an intensive training process,
I still have to select a small group with superhuman courage.
Supermen!
Calatrava,
Stand over there.
Put this on your head.
Very good. That's it.
Don't move a millimeter.
That's life. If you say absolutely motionless,
it's exactly that.
Don Jose Luis,
the man was so motionless he wasn't even breathing.
See? That's just what I mean.
If he couldn't dodge things he was no use in the group. Isn't that so?
Dodging things is essential.
Bodyguard, dodging, it's all the same.
And guarding, right?
Bodyguard, guarding.
Put your hand there, Ordoñez.
Stand aside.
Now, Robledillo, put your hand there.
Put it back.
Very good, Robledillo. Very good.
Now, Linares. Your turn.
Amazing, Linares!
Strength, resistance, absolute coldness and control of the emotions!
And that pride! That's what I want in my security corps.
Linares! Linares!
You must eat breakfast, Linares.
Give him a Band-Aid.
I hear you've started the training sessions.
Kid, they don't make cars like this anymore.
Nowadays all German and Japanese shit,
and, even worse, French shit.
Don't change the subject, I'm the best assistant you ever had.
You can trust me 1,000%
Javier, what's new?
Are you fixing rickshaws now?
Hell, no, this is my girlfriend.
She's some treasure. At least you'll get free lottery tickets, eh?
How's your cousin Cuco?
That useless jerk, he's on methadone.
Give me couple of tickets, love.
Who's going to pay for them?
Put them on my bill.
-Not again, Torrente! -I'll pay you if I win.
I have to be on your team.
Lately, Josito, you're not responding like you used to,
so I'm not sure.
Maybe it's because you're in love.
That's the thing, I'm going through a bad patch.
The landlord threw us out...
Listen, kid, you know if you've got any problem,
don't come to me.
I was going to tell you before
but Vanesa and I moved into your place this morning.
Into my place? Are you stupid? Are you shooting up?
Just for a few days,
until something that I'm after comes up.
Torrente, don't be angry. It'll be a few days at most.
And we're going to pay you. Vane's father is a judge.
I don't care if he's a fruit seller.
I've got a present for you that you'll love.
A re-usable DVD so you can record all the League games.
-I asked you for that for Christmas. -Yes.
I don't know why I put up with you.
Because you're fucking great guy!
Yeah, that's true. Get off, you'll dirty my suit!
Torrente!
MERCENARY MARKET
The best, Montellini. Heartless mercenaries, callous,
unscrupulous killers without a drop of remorse, are a dime a dozen,
but the people I've got are a different matter.
The people I've got are terrifying.
Telescopic.
An abnormal visual keenness,
an extraordinary shot,
speed, skill, strategy.
In short, a highly gifted sniper.
He learned that in the circus.
He used to do it with lemons but it was much less spectacular.
Colossus. An exquisite brutality,
an amazing agility
and a super-human strength.
And he's handsome too.
Not that I know about such things,
but they often want him for the cinema.
Now.
They're authentic Korean ninjas.
Made in Korea.
Now.
-Are you here for the casting? -No, I'm just visiting.
What do we have to do?
-Beat up the blonde guy. -Him?
Well, sometimes he gets a bit carried away.
We spend a fortune on ninjas.
Now.
Come along! Let's go.
Amateurs!
These are going cheap.
Look, Montellini, if you take him and Telescopic
I'll throw in the Masked Man.
Done.
Father, I know you became a policeman
to defend people and enforce justice.
Slow down, kid. If you think buttering me up...
I wanted to be like you. If you could get me into the police force...
Hold your horses, kid.
It's one thing promising my grandmother
I'd get you a job, if you are my son, like your whore of a mother says.
It's a very different matter being seen around with you
or getting you onto the police force where I am justly famous. Understand?
Why doesn't he come with me to unload DVDs?
What are you talking about?
He hasn't got what it takes to be a policeman, obviously,
but he doesn't have to be a criminal like you.
Check out the Bolivians
and get the two months' money they owe us.
OK, Torrente.
Don't worry, kid, I'll get you a decent job.
-A job? -Yes, a job.
Dad!
How can you not need more workers?
Look, we work like animals here, know what I mean?
This isn't what I had in mind.
Shut up, moron.
How could he not be a hard worker? He's my son.
That's what I mean.
It's very dangerous.
Much little safety. No helmets. No nets protecting.
Calm down, Mohamed.
I find you this job, I've been busting my ass for months
trying to sort out your papers,
all for a lousy commission, only 50% of your wages,
and you make demands!
These people are the limit, all they do is complain.
Torrente, inhuman conditions!
"Inhuman conditions!"
They love complaining. They're better dressed than we are.
Don't show those nails! Have you seen them?
You want to be a minister as soon as you get here?
I personally supervised the security on this site
down to the very last detail, is that clear?
You can't tell me now you don't need workers.
It's true, the kid's in luck.
Ask them for a helmet.
No, none of that. No favoritism.
Without a helmet, like everyone else. It'll toughen him up.
Don't show me up, kid! Don't piss me off.
Hey, what's up, kid?
-What's up? -Nothing. What should be up?
You look a bit nervous.
Who, me? No way, Torrente. Everything's great.
What's this? My Atleti ashtray!
I was taking it... to clean it.
To clean it!
Shit, I don't believe this.
I let you come into my home, and you abuse my trust, you cheat me.
I looked on you like a nephew, a brother-in-law,
like something I loved.
It's my own fault
for opening the door of my house and of my heart!
What's up, love?
What's that?
My grandma's milk saucepan!
What's going on? Do you want to take my most loved possessions?
But, Torrente...
You're a thief, kid!
And I never want to see you again in my life!
Get out! Get out of here!
-Torrente... -Get out!
Hell, I stained my pants.
That's how it was, I told him to fuck off.
It wasn't for the ashtray.
Parrondo. You know me. It was for my code.
I've got a very strict ethical and moral code,
a code which has always governed my life.
It's caused me problems. But, Parrondo,
I'm a man of principles.
Right to the end.
You peel it, you've got nails.
TRAINING CENTER
I'm really impressed.
It's a pity about 2012.
You're real athletes.
A good thing, too. Being a bodyguard is no joke
and you're about to stop laughing.
Come on, move!
Move it, I said! Come on!
No, not this, please!
Come on, move! Get out of here!
Break it up! Get moving!
Start running!
He's been kicking my ass all day.
This is the moment I like, the grades.
Robledo and Churreti. Very weak, both of you.
Give me the check, at least. I worked these days.
What check? Be grateful I don't kick you out.
This isn't Operation Galaxy. Arellano.
You should think about retiring, you're very old.
Vizcarra. Unsatisfactory. Back to the warehouse.
Ramirez, you need to improve. Really fucking improve.
Barragan. Fail.
A resounding failure. You're out, kiddo.
So we've got Camullas, Contreras and Calvo Tellez.
Acceptable progress.
Linares. I don't have a note from your parents
for the day you missed. Acceptable progress.
And our star pupil is Ordoñez.
An outstanding performance.
Torrente!
-Can I re-take the exam in September? -Sure, whenever you want.
I'll be gone by then.
You can gather up your books now.
Fuck off, all of you.
Balls!
Getting up early is shit.
Motherfucking...
No! No! It's impossible!
Someone pinch me to see if this is true.
I'm fucked! I'm fucked!
What the hell is happening to me?
No, not Barça! Over my dead body!
This is a nightmare! A nightmare!
Who the hell is that?
Hello, Jose Luis. I live next door.
Why don't you mingle more with the neighbors?
You should throw out your garbage too.
Could I borrow some salt?
And milk!
And a hammer? And a screwdriver?
Long live Barça! Long live Barça!
Have you got a car?
AIRPORT
Isn't that one of those planes for celebrities and soccer players?
It's a private charter.
The socialists love wasting money.
Welcome to...
Stand to attention!
For fuck's sake!
That's her.
Watch this.
Not now, please.
What's up?
I'm in charge of protecting this lady in Spain.
You can't block my way! I'm Torrente, for Christ's sake.
Hands off!
Boys!
Get them!
Let them have it!
My grenade!
It's Fernando Torres!
He was on the plane!
The wave!
Let me hug you!
Ma'am, this is Fernando Torres.
MISS RICCI'S HOTEL
If we can get the documents that I'm waiting for,
the conference, which will be broadcast to 40 countries,
will be a success.
If we're not killed first.
May I?
I see you're settling in. Come in, don't be shy.
These girls are Italian.
I'm Jose Luis Torrente,
the special agent who's protecting you.
Carry on getting dressed, I'm a professional.
Think of me as your gynecologist.
Apparently, there are a lot of people who want to bump you off.
I'd like to bump you.
That was a screw-up at the airport.
Bear in mind that the boys are very nervous.
It's an important mission.
Good God! Wait here.
If I may...
I wanted to tell you that you're not to worry about a thing.
With Torrente here, nothing will happen to a beauty like you,
with an ass that's a work of art.
Are you a minister's daughter?
I'm a Euro Deputy.
In a few days I have to make a speech
of vital importance at the International Ecological Forum,
and the last thing I need
is for anyone, anyone, to piss me off.
And now please get out of my room immediately.
I understood everything you said.
Go fuck yourself.
That chick's hot stuff but she's got a filthy temper.
But she's interested in me, no doubt about that.
Sir, you've got a group of commandos at your disposal.
You should give them their orders.
Yes, yes, of course.
Right,
let's see. You.
Go get a pack of cigarettes.
You. My car's outside. Shift it for me before
I get a ticket.
-Is it at a parking meter? -Don't be stupid. Move.
I want the rest of you in a state of constant tension.
Solis, go buy me a bunch of flowers for that chick.
Give them to her from me.
With what money, sir?
As long as it's not mine, I don't give a rat's ass.
Sir, what about me?
You go to the building opposite and keep watch on the roof.
It's a perfect place for snipers.
Fuck. I have to leave,
I've had an urgent call. I have to pick up my son.
From school, Torrente?
Linares, go have a whiskey and try to keep out of the way.
That doesn't count!
MONTELLINI'S OFFICE
Right! We have to eliminate her tomorrow,
when she leaves the hotel.
If that fails?
No, it's impossible.
We've got a sniper
and an emergency solution just in case.
Listen, son.
You...
Have you ever dipped it?
To be honest, quite a bit.
That's good, kid, that's good.
You look so dumb, I thought maybe
you'd never had your cherry popped.
No, I did, a long time ago.
I'd liked to have taken you whoring,
like my Uncle Mauricio did with me.
That experience was unforgettable.
How old were you then?
I was quite a man by then. I was nine.
Spain is the greatest country in the world, Jose Luis.
You won't find better whores anywhere else.
If I train hard, could I play for Atleti when I grow up?
Don't be stupid, kid. You're just a thickhead.
Here.
100 pesetas. Give it to her.
And now you can feel her tits.
That's the thing about whores. You have to pay them!
-I'm wetting myself. -Then go take a piss.
Or do you want me to go with you and take out your pecker? Go on!
He's as dumb as his father.
Wash your hands before you piss.
You don't want to catch anything disgusting.
Hello, kid.
What are you doing here all on your own?
I came with my uncle to see if we could get laid.
Like everyone.
And that tiny little bird?
Look. Look at this starling.
Look.
How's about we jerk each other off?
But no faggot stuff.
Hell, I hit it. So big and I still hit it.
Dad. Dad!
-About the whores... -What?
The whores!
Yeah, the whores.
Even though I'm not a virgin, and I think prostitution
is totally degrading for women, if you're paying...
That's my boy! Of course I am!
Let's go whoring!
Stop it! You're going to wear away my balls!
This is great.
It's so nice. A father and his son, here together,
deleted some whores. Pure bliss!
Dad, there's so much I'd like to have done with you.
For example, soccer games on a Sunday afternoon.
I always imagined seeing them with my father.
What? You like soccer?
Yes!
Know what we have to do? Go to the stadium together.
It all looks bigger there.
The Vicente Calderon!
Sitting there with our flags.
Atleti! Atleti!
We'll have a fucking ball!
Wait a minute, Pepito.
What team do you support?
I'm...
I'm with Real Madrid.
I'll kill you!
But, Dad...!
You're not my son. You're human garbage!
I'll kill you!
Let go! That's how children repay you!
You devote your life to them
and they stab you in the back!
But I'm not even a member, I just support them.
How can a son of mine support such a lousy team?
Real Madrid! Give me a fucking break!
What's up, lard face?
-What's up, lard face? -You got a problem?
Have you got a problem?
You don't like your face? I'll change it for you!
Right! This English faggot and I
are going to kick your heads in.
MISS RICCI'S HOTEL
All quiet, sir.
You don't look well.
I had some snails that disagreed with me. What's been happening?
We can't find Ordoñez
and we arrested a suspect who keeps asking for you.
-A suspect? -Yes, that person.
I've never seen him before.
Take him to the cell until he dries out.
Kid, I'm going to check out how our charge is.
See that we're not disturbed.
Whatever you say, sir.
Torrente!
Giannina?
Giannina! Sweetie!
Freeze!
Please, don't shoot! Did my wife send you?
Your wife?
She's jealous, she's always imagining things.
Yes, that's right. Your wife sent me.
Don't do anything silly.
We can sort this out in a civilized fashion.
All right, that's it.
And the next time, you should behave yourself.
She could be your daughter.
Look, she's got a virgin's tits.
What's going on? That thing's still hard.
I'm taking Viagra.
Shit, Biafra!
You have to give me one of those.
You take it and the soldier stands to attention, right?
Hell, give me one. I'll even pay you.
Darling, don't listen to him.
It's a plot to ruin me. I'm not married.
-Creep! -Please, darling!
-Good evening. -Oh, it's you.
-I have to see Giannina. -She's asleep.
She had a press conference, she's exhausted.
Sorry, sweetie. It's for security reasons.
This is outrageous, incredible!
We've made a complaint to your superiors!
Ma'am, don't get me angry.
Hey! What are you doing?
Giannina, you have to get up.
This is an emergency search. Routine.
What are you talking about?
-There may be explosives. -What?
The room should have been searched before.
Shut it, ma'am. The room was searched thoroughly.
But the problem is the sheets. They're changed every day
and we've learned of the existence of a new...
fabric bomb.
Good heavens!
What knockers!
-I've never seen anything like this. -Neither have I!
Neither have I!
Me neither!
It's like a zucchini. That's Vinagra for you. It's a miracle.
Hey! Hey!
Who's going to take advantage of this now?
This surveillance is terrible.
Yes, it is. It's duller than alcohol-free beer.
You're right.
It's very quiet, isn't it?
How's about
we jerk each other off?
What do you mean, sir?
Do you think we're homosexuals?
Hey, have a bit of respect!
I didn't insult you!
Look, you're a man, right?
Of course.
And you beat the meat?
Almost every day.
So a man touches your dick.
Yes.
That doesn't make you a faggot.
No.
That's it. You're saying I'm right.
Come on, get it out. You'll like it!
No, wait a minute, don't make me do this.
-Get it out... -No, listen!
Torrente, you owe me 6,000 pesetas for whiskey.
You owe me 6,000 pesetas for whiskey.
POLICE STATION
I don't understand it, Mr. Maqueda.
It's very odd. It must be a police error.
Dad, Josito is a good friend of a secret police agent,
the best on the force.
Don't talk rubbish, love, wait here for me.
And this is the last time I'm going to help you
and this idiot with all your nonsense.
Your father's a good guy, for a judge, I mean.
It's a pity we always meet like this.
Why are you so stupid? How did you end up in the slammer?
Love, I'm sure it was a misunderstanding.
Wait a minute. I'm going to the bathroom.
The bathroom? What for?
No, love, it's not that. You know I've quit.
But with all the hassle I haven't shit since yesterday.
We're getting too involved.
It's one thing to turn a blind eye, make things easier.
It's another to put a total cretin in charge of the operation.
We could be in big trouble, I mean it.
Take it easy. Don't be such a chicken, Menendez.
Tomorrow they'll kill Ricci,
and we'll arrest the culprit immediately.
-Montellini? -Hell, no!
That idiot, Torrente.
You're not serious! He's going to be the fall guy?
All the incriminating evidence is ready.
We'll be in even bigger trouble. We put a dickhead in charge
and we're going to say he's corrupt as well.
Nothing can go wrong.
Hey, is this where you get your I.D.?
I need your services immediately.
Right away, Mr. Montellini.
No, Araceli, not you.
Send in Chastity.
Whatever you say, Mr. Montellini.
Very well. I hope nothing goes wrong.
I wouldn't like to be forced to get involved in the matter.
Very well. Tomorrow, after the operation,
if all goes as expected,
you can pass by my office
and collect your second payment.
Very well.
Yes, that's excellent. Yes, yes, that's fine.
Careful with the zip, dammit!
You owe me 6,000 pesetas for whiskey and I'm angry.
I know, Antoñito, but I've changed. I'm going to pay you.
Have you got any cash? How much is it in euros?
36 euros, and it's 6,000 pesetas for whiskey.
You have to be serious.
I won't forget. Money doesn't grow on trees.
One of the clips from the rifle they're going to use tomorrow.
Ammunition
and a telescopic lens.
And 12,000 euros. That'll fix him.
Great! Let's go.
I'll give you a discount of 10%,
that's 8 euros, which brings it down to 32 euros.
-So you're not charging V.A.T. -32 euros.
I'll write you a check. Let's have a drink.
You have to talk these things over.
I don't want you coming home, don't dare turn up there.
We have to warn Torrente. He's in danger!
What are you on about?
There's a plot against him. We have to help him.
He wants nothing to do with you. You're a mug, a pushover.
How can you say that? He's like a father to me.
He loves me.
That's him! Come on!
We're in trouble! Goodbye, Mr. Maqueda. I'm late.
Come on, love.
But... What's going on?
Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Get in your father's car.
I haven't got the keys.
No, he lent them to me when I was saying goodbye.
Charlie 4! We've got a 3187 blue!
Giannina!
No!
Giannina! Giannina!
Giannina!
Come on. Be bad.
Sir. Sir!
Don Jose Luis!
What's wrong?
It's time. We have to transfer Miss Ricci.
Yes, of course.
I was pretending to be asleep. It's an old surveillance trick.
I see.
-Better outside, there's more room. -They're waiting for us.
Let's go, that was a heavy one.
All right, everybody ready? Prepared?
Yes, sir!
Where's Barragan?
He got a better job handing out publicity.
Camuñas, are we rats or are we men?
We're men, sir.
No, we're not men.
Rats?
We're supermen. We're supermen!
Yes, sir!
We're Spaniards!
Yes, sir!
-We're... -Excuse me.
When you've finished with your little "testosteroneso" routine,
can we go? We are ready.
Listen, ma'am, who gave you permission to be here?
Don't you see you're in danger? There could be snipers up on...
Sir, that's impossible.
Calvo Tellez and I have been combing the perimeter for two days.
Are you contradicting me in front of this person?
Do you want me to take disciplinary action...
Everyone get down!
You two idiots! Find out where the shots came from!
Linares! Come on, Linares,
for fuck's sake!
Camuñas! Contreras!
They're coming from over there!
Stop touching my tits!
Ma'am, you're insulting me.
We have to get out of here!
Come on!
We need reinforcements!
Meanwhile, we'll go to your room. You'll be safe there.
Let's go!
We were nearly killed, Giannina,
and the truth is it made me think about things.
Since the first day we met, I've been noticing things
and I want...
I want you to know
that I feel exactly the same for "toi".
Disgust?
Don't pretend. I know that ladies like you
like rough, virile men like me.
Yes, yes!
But that's nonsense.
I know, Giannina. I know it seems crazy,
but at times, in life,
you have to let yourself be swept away.
Shit!
Well done, kid.
-They were good men. -Yes, we always lose the best.
Sir, we found these things in the back of his car.
They're part of the weapon used.
-In my car? -My God! Is this yours?
I've never seen it before.
Well, this... No, nor this. I'll keep it as evidence.
I have to arrest you as a suspect in this attempted assassination.
You're joking, right?
I'm afraid not. Don't try to resist.
Kid...
It's a set-up, get in!
Stop! Halt!
Come on, let's go! Move!
Don't shoot!
Don't lose him.
Step on it, kid!
You won't lose your license for this.
What license?
It's the SWAT team!
They must be really scared of me.
The bastards are shooting at us! They've hit us!
Those are just warning shots!
They're shooting to kill!
Fuck them!
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
Go that way! Follow the truck!
What are you going to do?
You'll see, like in the Westerns.
Step on it, go faster!
Be careful!
You'll kill yourself!
Holy shit!
Come on. A bit more.
Be careful.
Get closer, you're gonna kill me!
Step on it! They're pissed off.
They nearly killed us!
Doesn't the judge have a gun in here?
Look in the glove compartment.
A inflatable doll!
Your father-in-law's a pervert.
Get out!
Shit!
The doll fucked them! Instead of them fucking her,
she fucked them!
My God, this is a disaster.
Love, how can you go to bed with your shoes on?
They're after me like I was a common criminal,
an outlaw.
Don't let it get you down.
They've screwed me.
My honor, my reputation, all fucked to hell.
Come on, it isn't all lost.
You can still save that girl.
They'll try to kill her again.
Yes, but all my men are dead. And I...
I'm on my own.
Torrente, leave it to me.
Well,
it seems that the idiot you supplied in order to help me
is being more efficient than you.
This has been an accumulation of unfortunate incidents.
We don't usually fail.
You needn't make excuses.
Giannina's appearance has been postponed until tomorrow.
That will be our last chance.
We understand, sir.
Here we are.
Remember Cuco's cousin?
Shit! As if I could forget him.
Did you bring me that?
-What? -What I asked you for.
Come on, love, I'm setting up Torrente's team.
Shit, the only thing I asked you for! Screw Torrente!
Idiot! Dickhead!
Shit-for-brains! Fuck you!
She's nervous about the wedding.
This is Jose Maria.
He graduated from your detective school, in Marbella.
I can't place him. But, if he's got the diploma...
Torrente, you're my idol.
You and Monsignor Rouco Varela.
That's very good, son.
What's that spic doing here?
Josito told me you needed help,
and as you're helping me with my papers, here I am.
Thank you.
Thank you, my Hispanic friend.
I see that some of you have inherited
Spanish generosity and nobility. You represent
a degeneration of the race, it's true, but you've got a heart.
I've got another surprise.
Dad, I know you're pissed off
but I've brought some pals to help out.
For fuck's sake! He says he's come to help me, with that scum!
Two Arabs and a black!
Dad, we're all the same,
these people are my friends. They've come to help you.
The least you can do is treat them with respect.
I'll fucking...
You've got a filthy tongue!
Grandma. Weren't you dying?
You swore on my deathbed that you'd take care of Pepito, your son,
and I can't die in peace
until you swear on your late father's Cross of Caravaca.
Well, if it'll help you die,
in peace, I mean,
I'll swear on anything. But those Arabs...
Give it to me. I'll swear.
Go on, swear.
Swear.
I swear that I'll protect the boy.
I swear that I'll treat these people
as if they were human beings in the eyes of the Lord.
That's it, I've sworn.
You're not a bad person, Jose Luis. I prayed for you.
I was on the verge of death, and with the gesture you've just made,
you've given me life, Jose Luis.
You've given me life.
Grandma! Grandma!
Stop it!
Grandma!
Stand back!
What are you doing?
This is what I think of the Cross of Caravaca!
And now, you lot, fuck off!
Get out of here! Get out, I said! Get out!
Where were we?
I won't lie to you.
This is possibly the most dangerous mission
I've ever tackled.
And I've tackled very dangerous missions.
Yeah, handing out fines.
Jose, Josito,
tell your friend Damian to change his attitude
or I'll relieve him of his duty.
Now, listen carefully, I won't explain this again.
Remember that Nelson has to leave the truck back at 7:00.
No! At 6:30!
This is what I get for working with amateurs.
INTERNATIONAL ECOLOGICAL FORUM
We're losing control of this.
We promised, Montellini,
but now that Torrente is off the case
I can't stop our normal force going into action.
I'm not too worried about that. It's all under control.
We'll use the service entrance.
Act natural so as not to arouse suspicion.
What are you doing here, sir? You're crazy!
Everyone's looking for you!
Kid, they set a trap for me. That chick's life is in danger.
Someone in the force sold me out.
You'll ruin me, sir.
Juan Francisco, are you with me or against me?
I'm with you! Unto death, Don Jose Luis!
To the very end!
Come on, let's go!
Who are this lot?
This has become personal for me.
I don't see any place that a sniper could hide,
so the assassin must be among the guests.
Spread out.
My men are all infiltrated and controlling the situation,
looking for the assassin.
Be a bit more careful!
I've heard of jobs for slobs, but this is the limit!
Manolito, for heaven's sake.
-Forgive my friend, he's new. -New?
Go fuck yourself.
Sort it out. Social misfits should stay at home.
Here, take this.
Look, Torrente.
Have some water. -We shouldn't have to see them.
-God should take them. -How can you say that!
What kind of people did you bring?
It's unbelievable. Excuse me a moment.
Listen, kid. Aren't you ashamed?
Is that what we taught you?
I'm sorry, Torrente.
It was 60.
It was 70. It's not to happen again.
It'll be 80 next time.
Look at that guy.
He's acting very strangely.
He looks Swedish.
Look what he did! Let's get him!
Hang on, kid. He's very big, he's the size of four men.
But you're an expert in martial arts. Come on!
That's why. I know what I'm like.
If I go on my own, I'll tear him apart.
If we get all the boys, we can take him without hurting him.
But you can order him to halt.
Yes, sir.
Kid... Yes.
We have to meet. Meeting point,
latitude 2,0. There's a potential enemy.
You're under arrest!
You are now in the custody of the authorities,
police and special forces of the State.
I don't think you really know what you're doing.
Now, listen to me, listen to me. Wait a minute!
It's not too late.
I advise you to surrender.
Guys, Torrente says we're to meet up. Suspect at 11:15.
Tell Torrente from me that he can
go fuck himself.
Torrente, Torrente!
Torrente!
Everyone go to black door 21. Move your asses.
Where are you going? Carry on with what you were doing.
Don't worry about me.
I'm scared, Giannina.
You should cancel your speech.
Nothing and no one is going to stop me from saying what I have to say,
even though I'm scared too. OK?
Don't be like that about it!
Bodyguard, dodge!
Stay there!
You'll hurt yourself.
Jose Maria, do you have a knife?
Yes, but it's mine. How else will I get out?
I don't want to borrow it, I want you to cut those cables.
That's it, kid! Give it to him!
That's it, you've got him now!
What's keeping you? Get him!
Will it give me a shock?
Go on, do it!
The monster! It's the monster, kid!
Well, that was a bit of luck.
After this, they'll give us a medal.
They're the assassins, they wanted to kill that chick.
But that's Salas.
Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
What's going on here?
Torrente, I don't know if you're a genius or an idiot,
but you're screwing us up.
That bitch has to die.
So if you'd just fucking stay still,
I'd give you 5 million pesetas
so you can go and celebrate. What do you say?
What are you trying to tell me? Really!
Ten million.
In cash?
What do you say?
It's... It's...
You should have said that first. Give me that.
Come on, kid.
And now, you two go and earn your wages.
Let's go. There's nothing more we can do.
But they're going to kill her.
Well, she has to die some day.
I don't understand, I thought you cared about her.
Yes, the truth is
it's a shame they're going to kill her before I screwed her
but that's life. She should have been quicker.
I can't believe it. God exists.
Fary, Fary!
You're the greatest.
Come on, Torrente,
how is it that you, of all people,
the bravest of the brave, are dodging out of this?
You're not my Torrente, you have to stand up to them.
You were always a bullfighter who tackled the bull.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Forgive me, Fary, I got carried away.
You can't just walk away from these things.
You have to be elegant, and this isn't being elegant.
You're a great guy who goes through life
and you... You're Spanish!
I'm Spanish! Yes, I'm Spanish!
Thanks, Fary!
There, there.
His good side has come through. I'm never wrong.
The son of a bitch! He's taken my wallet!
Who were you talking to? Do you feel all right?
Better then ever, kid.
Come on, we have to save Giannina!
I hope your plan works.
She's about to announce the results of the report.
Don't worry.
They're going to flatten her!
I'm Spanish.
Get down!
Do something!
-Do something, dammit! -It's him! He's the assassin.
He's trying to kill Miss Ricci. Fire!
Stop! Don't fire.
He was the one who saved her!
Let go of me! Let go of me!
Hey, I saved your life!
What are you waiting for?
Help! Help! He's insane!
I'm innocent!
I'm worried about the ducks too, and the dirty rivers!
Kill him!
Stop!
Dad!
-Dad! -Josito, Josito!
Shit! That's all we needed!
Give yourself up! Don't put up any resistance!
-What a coward! -I love you.
Give me that. That's enough nonsense.
I'm a policeman!
Dad!
Dad! Dad!
They've grabbed him. That boy's stupid.
Hurry up! Give me that bitch or I'll kill your son!
He called you a bitch. Do you know him?
Hurry up!
Come on, Torrente, it's all over.
Now, Mr. Salas! Now!
Come on!
Torrente, excellent work.
I couldn't have done better.
And I'm very proud of you too, Juan Francisco.
They're the guys who wanted to...
Let the man explain himself.
Take it easy, kid. You were a real hero, too.
It was all part of a complex plan.
It's normal that you don't understand. They're classified files.
In any case, you've behaved like true professionals.
We've been after Montellini and Petronosa for a long time,
and thanks to you and, of course, Miss Ricci,
it's the end for these swine.
You will all be suitably rewarded.
Ole!
My love!
Josito...
Giannina...
Dad!
Jose Luis, could you give me back that ten million?
It's part of the evidence.
TORRENTE DECORATED
A VETERAN POLICEMAN SAVES THE DAY
At last, justice has been done.
They've recognized our bravery
and given us a worthy mission.
But Don Jose Maria is about to arrive.
How's it going, boys?
We just have to connect a few cables and that's it.
-Right, Pepito? -Yes, it's almost ready, dad.
Don't fuck up.
We had a problem grounding it.
Get a move on.
Don't leave all those tools lying around!
My dad gives me orders, not you.
I've had them change the whole security system.
These guys know nothing about this.
You must realize that we have more tradition
-and the latest technology. -I'll say.
Shit, it's stuck to the joint.
I'll soon fix that.
For fuck's sake! We're going to screw it up.
Guys!
Mr. Bush, may I?
I'm sorting out this mess. Guys...
It doesn't work, it must be American.
Speak more clearly. I'm Jose Luis Torrente.
I just want to see the installation.
Three minute and stop. The noise stop.
For fuck's sake!
All right, take it easy.
I'll have to do it myself.
Fucking hell!
I can't take you guys out of Spain.
-Don Jose Luis! - Torrente!
Dad!