You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me...
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done...
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Winning $ 100,000 in the lottery...
has opened the door to the finer things in life.
- Where have you been? - Food shoppin'.
- You got real Frosted Flakes. - No more generic Sweetie Bits for you, brother.
You're ridin' the karma train now.
Choo, choo.
[ Earl Narrating ] I like being able to afford nice things for my brother.
But having money can create problems too.
That's my ex-wife Joy.
What do you think you're doing?
- Hi, Carolina. - Catalina.
Mmm, potato, tomato. So where does Earl keep his money?
Earl is my friend. I'm not gonna help you steal his money.
Oh, well, that's unfortunate for you...
because you are not the one standing with the freshly broken bottle, now, are you?
Well, this'll still hurt if I hit you with it.
Joy, I've told you a million times...
the money isn't in the room.
- Stop breaking in here and messing the place up. - Fine.
But if you get to eat fancy cereal, your kids should too.
They're not my kids, Joy.
That must have been very scary for you.
I can't live like this, Joy.
What do I need to do to get you to stop trying to steal my money?
Buy me a hot tub.
I'm not gonna buy you a hot tub.
I need my money to help me cross the things off my list.
Hey, Earl, thanks for the flakes.
No problem, Crab Man.
You and that stupid list of things you done bad to people-
- I better be on there somewhere. - You are.
- There was a lot of things on here I did to you. - Like what?
- You want me to do one? - Well, what's on there?
- If I do one, will you leave me alone for a while? - Yeah, fine. What's on there?
All right, here's a good one.
Number 153- broke Joy's fancy figurine.
I found something.
[ Giggling ]
Beer bottle. I'll get a beer bottle.
- You're the one that broke my figurine? - I'm gonna make it up to you.
Are you now? Let me ask you a question.
What happens when you can't fix the bad thing you done to somebody?
- What do you do then? - I guess I figure out another way to make it up to them.
- Like maybe buying them a hot tub? - I'm not buying you a hot tub.
I don't think you have a choice, 'cause that figurine was irreplaceable.
It was a weird little princess riding a lawn mower.
Just tell me where you got it and I can buy you a new one.
Hey, Earl-Temporary tattoos. You want 'em?
No, thanks, Crab Man. Make me itch.
I'll be back with your figurine.
Yeah, and I'll be buck naked behind the trailer, waitin' for my hot tub.
Come on, boys. Get up here and eat your spaghetti.
[ Earl Narrating ] Once I start doing something on my list...
I become obsessed with it until I cross it off.
I was even dreaming about that stupid figurine.
"Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers."
They're always jabbin' me, and it's easier to do this while you're sleepin'.
Thank God. I was startin' to worry they weren't growin'.
Ma'am?
I'm looking to get some information...
on a figurine with a princess riding a lawn mower...
that had your company's name on it.
Oh. You'll need to speak to Gertrude Balboa.
- Her office is through that door. - Thank you.
[ Hisses ]
Do you know when Mrs. Balboa will be in?
Hello. I'm Gertrude Balboa.
How may I help you?
Oh, well, what do you know?
It's a pleasure, Mrs. Balboa.
- So, do you know what those figurines are? - Of course.
For over 40 years...
they've been first prize in mother/daughter beauty pageants.
How wonderful.
You see, I'm trying to replace one for my ex-wife, Joy Darville.
Joy Darville? [ Chuckles ]
Adorable child.
- [ Applause ] - I'm number one. I'm number one.
Of course, that was the year before...
Shelly Stoker and her mother started entering the pageant.
[ Applause, Whistles ]
This year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers...
Prettiest Pretty Princesses are...
Elaine Stoker and daughter Shelly.
[ Cheers, Applause ]
That began the reign of the Stokers.
Joy never won again.
She only got one figurine, and I blew it up. Damn!
- Language. - Sorry.
Look. I need to make up for something terrible I did. Can I buy a figurine?
Oh, out of the question.
See, the only way to get one...
is to be crowned Prettiest Pretty Princess.
Ow! Earl, you gotta touch this thing. It's really hot.
[ Earl Narrating ] Since Gertrude wouldn't sell us a figurine...
we tracked down the only other person we knew that had one-Shelly Stoker.
I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville.
I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years.
So, do you think I can buy a figurine from you?
Now, what kind of example would that set for Candy if I sold you one?
If you do not put that book down, I don't know what.
Candy's gonna win her very first figurine...
at the 46th annual Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers...
Prettiest Pretty Pageant next week.
Not if we can't find someone to help us with our talent portion.
My mom's boyfriend broke up with her.
- Watch your tongue, Little Miss Mouthy. - Yesterday.
I broke up with him. You can't rely on men.
My mother told me that, but did I listen?
- No. I bet you're not reliable. - Not really.
No man is. We're all alone.
We're all alone in this world.
I'm sorry, Shelly. We didn't mean to cause any trouble.
- How tall are you? - 6'1 "... and a half.
If you'd be willing to help us out with our talent...
we might be able to work something out with that figurine.
No problem. What's your talent?
Oh, man. You gotta let me try that.
Do not let him try that.
How come you never told me you won a beauty contest?
Every day I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest.
Did you get me my hot tub yet?
Better. I'm gonna get you a Prettiest Pretty figurine.
You can't buy those, Earl.
No, but you can win 'em.
Oh, yeah? What, you and your mama gonna enter the next pageant?
What you gonna do, put your mustache in pigtails?
I'm gonna help Shelly Stoker and her daughter with their talent...
and when they win, they're gonna let me keep the figurine.
I don't want the damn figurine. I want my hot tub.
Now, I'm the one on your list. You have to listen to me.
What's on my list is, I broke a little girl's beauty pageant prize...
and I'm gonna give that little girl her prize back.
Okay, well, that little girl is gone now...
and the woman that took her place wants to sit and drink rum in 106-degree water.
- Sorry. Soon as I get you that figurine- - [ Mouthing Words ]
- I'm crossin' you off. - Well-
Well, what if you don't win?
Hmm? See, 'cause I been thinkin' about getting back into the pageant business...
and if I win the figurine myself, then you can't cross me off.
You know, that'd be great if, uh, you had a daughter.
You don't know. I might be pregnant with a little girl right now.
- The pageant's next week, not in nine months. - That'll make her the cutest...
tiniest daughter in the whole pageant, now, won't it?
Give it up, Joy. You're not gettin' a hot tub. You're gettin' a figurine.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew there was no way we could lose.
Shelly told me the Stoker women had a gift-
a gift that was passed down from generation to generation of Stoker women.
[ Crowd Chattering ]
I have to admit, it was impressive.
Candy, come on. It's your turn to practice.
Finally. Let's see our little Stoker break out the gift.
- I don't have the gift. - Excuse me?
Don't worry. She practices with rubber knives.
[ Grunts ]
[ Grunting ]
Uh, h-how many days until the competition?
Three, right? That's starting to seem a little short.
You are not even trying.
If we are gonna win this pageant, you have got to use your talent.
God made some of us super pretty...
and some of us knife throwers.
Now, believe in the gift. You are a Stoker.
Maybe she can just twirl a baton or something?
You need a game situation. Real knives with a real person.
That is the only way you're gonna reach inside of yourself and grab hold of the gift.
[ Stammering ] You know, I'd like to go home now, actually.
- [ Moans ] - Do it, Candy.
Now! Throw them now, now, now!
Throw them, Candy! Throw them!
[ Sharp Grunts ]
Oh! Baby has the gift.
She has the gift. You have the gift.
I'm gonna go call Grandma.
Whoa.
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was risking my life...
trying to win the mother/daughter pageant...
Joy was trying to find a way to enter.
You're too little.
Too tall.
My God. Too many damn freckles. [ Chuckles ]
And you're cute, but you just don't have that "it" factor.
- And how old are you? - Seven.
Open your mouth.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm adopting.
[ Earl Narrating ] Now, with me not around...
Randy took advantage of a little alone time with Catalina.
- Two jacks. That's war. - No, no, no, Catalina.
In this country, that's called "truce"...
and we hug.
We're a peaceful nation.
You were amazing today. There's no way we can lose this thing.
Uh-huh.
We're just lucky you realized you had the gift in time.
I've known since I was two.
[ Buzzing ]
I never told my mom 'cause I don't want to do stupid beauty pageants.
Well, have you told her you think they're stupid?
No. She'd just get mad.
She wants me to be just like her.
But I like school. I want to be a doctor someday.
Candy-
There are too many doctors in the world...
and if I don't get that figurine...
I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub...
and hot tubs cost a lot of cake.
So you need to listen to your mother.
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was making sure Candy stayed focused...
Joy was making her last attempts at getting into the pageant.
Mama, I don't have a daughter. That's why I need you to enter it with me.
Well, fine. All that smoking turned your skin to leather anyway.
- [ Beeps ] - Like Shelly's family were knife throwers for generations...
Joy's family were smokers-
And that gave Joy an idea.
[ Indistinct Conversations ]
- Hello. - Hi.
Uh, do you know what order we're gonna go in?
'Cause I don't want to get in my sequined jumpsuit just yet.
What are you doing here?
I came to take home one figurine and one hot tub.
Me and my dead mama's ashes would like to enter the pageant, please.
Baby, I know you don't smoke, but you're gonna have to pick up the pace.
Unfortunately, there was no rule that said that both mother and daughter had to be alive.
There's a cigarette butt in here.
Well, that makes sense. That's what took her.
[ Earl Narrating ] Never having been to a beauty pageant before...
I gotta tell you, they put on quite a show.
I even got to meet a hometown celebrity.
[ Man On P.A.] Welcome to the 46th annual Balboa & Sons...
mother/daughter Prettiest Pretty Princess Pageant.
Here's your emcee for the evening.
You know him from TV's Son of the Beach...
and he was recently robbed of a spot on Dancin' with the Stars...
- Mr. Tim Stack! - [ Cheers, Applause ]
[ Earl Narrating ] But it wasn't all lights and superstars.
Competition quickly took over.
[ Audience Cheering ]
Aren't they lovely, folks?
The model number on those mowers...
is 5-5-4, "Z" as in zebra.
Now let's welcome to the stage Joy Darville...
and the lovely but no longer with us Mother Darville.
[ Cheers, Applause ]
[ Stack ] Joy hails from Camden County...
where she enjoys feeding, sheltering and cleaning the poor.
Those are your bathing suits? Are you kiddin' me?
If we're gonna win this thing, you guys gotta show a little more skin.
Relax. It's all gonna come down to the talent.
Besides, I can't wear a bikini.
Somebody couldn't find her way out of Mommy...
so I had to mutilate my stomach with a C-section.
[ Earl Narrating ]Joy knew she couldn't compete with knife throwing...
but she wasn't going down without a fight.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Everyone was touched.
And to make sure no one could claim her dead mother didn't actually participate...
Joy brought her into the act.
[ Applause ]
The Darvilles, everybody. The Darvilles.
[ Earl Narrating ] The audience really sparked to Joy...
but I was confident a pair ofknife-throwing dynamos would lead us to victory.
Winning this pageant is gonna be the beginning of great things for us.
After we win, we're gonna tour the country, just like my mother and I did.
- You'll be the Prettiest Pretty in every county. - How will I go to school?
I'll home-school you. I'll teach you everything you need to know about winning.
Mom, I wanna be a doctor someday.
Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy.
I'll go get our knives.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was right then that I realized what I had to do.
As much as I wanted to win that figurine and cross Joy off my list...
it wasn't right to hurt this little girl to do it.
- Candy? - Yeah?
- I want you to hit me with the knife. - What?
Hit me in the leg.
It's the only way your nut-job mother is gonna let you off the hook.
You gotta lose.
But then we won't get the figurine...
and you're gonna have to buy your ex-wife a hot tub-
And hot tubs cost a lot of cake.
It's okay.
Besides, when I'm old I might need a doctor...
and I'd like that doctor to be you.
Thanks, Earl.
But won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg?
Aw, don't worry about it. I been stabbed by plenty of girls.
Only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, and stick it back in.
All right! Let's welcome to the stage...
the amazing talents of Shelly and Candy Stoker.
[ Audience Applauds ]
[ Gasping, Murmuring ]
[ Applause ]
- [ Audience Gasps ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Earl Narrating ] As happy as her little face was, all I could think about...
was being stabbed was much more painful than I remembered.
Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers...
Prettiest Pretty Princesses are...
Joy Darville and cremated Mother Darville.
[ Earl Narrating ] By taking that knife in the leg...
not only did I help one little girl's dream to be a doctor...
I also brought back the little girl in Joy.
When I broke that figurine, I broke more...
than a ceramic little girl riding a 487 side-discharged, self-mulching lawn mower.
I had taken away a proud memory from Joy's childhood.
And whether she knew it or not, that was more important to her than a hot tub.
[ Joy's Voice ] I got it on my own.
You still owe me a hot tub, you idiot.
[ Earl Narrating ] I could have told her she didn't do it on her own...
but then I would have taken away her victory, and I didn't want to do that.
Besides, it doesn't matter if Joy thinks I can cross her off my list or not.
All that matters is that I know I can.
Come on, Earl. I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
- Randy- - Just listen. I'm only missing one.
[ Sighs ] Fine.
There was Hannibal, B.A., Faceman, and-
Murdock.
Yeah. Murdock.
Now turn the lamp off and go to sleep.
What was the monkey's name in B.J. and the Bear?
Randy.
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