My true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Two turtledoves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the third day of Christmas...
a little bit extra for all of us.
If you'd get out of bed earlier in the morning and spend less time singing,
You might not have to find excuses.
All of you girls are the same-
Anything to put off work.
Yes, milady.
I don't like coming home and finding you going about on the double.
It makes me quite nervous.
You were not expected so early, milady.
And as a result, the bed is not warmed.
I was about to attend to it, milady.
Nor is there any hot milk.
I'll fetch it immediately, milady.
Might I inquire why you've been pawing through my jewels?
But I haven't been.
Then what is my case doing on my powder table?
You must have left it there, milady.
My earrings are missing.
Are you suggesting that I've got them?
I'm suggesting that you're the only one
Who has access to my room.
My earrings, please.
Someone's been at the whiskey again, Cybill.
I must have sacked the wrong footman.
Look. I made a mark on the decanter before we left tonight,
And some devil's drunk well into it.
Henry, listen to me carefully
If you can possibly manage it.
You're to communicate with Scotland Yard instantly.
There's no need for that.
I'll just sack another footman.
It isn't the whiskey, milord.
It's that milady has most capriciously
Accused me of stealing her earrings.
Well, cough them up.
But I haven't got them.
She hasn't got them.
Henry, will you do as I say?
It'll be much simpler, my girl,
If you return them and no more fuss.
I give you my word, my lord.
I haven't got them.
I'll send for Scotland Yard.
Oh, no.
You can check with them at the pub.
They know all about me down there, they do.
I'll check, never you mind.
You may all go to your rooms.
I would say they were clear-
All of them.
Of course they're clear, you dolt.
The girl is the thief.
The moment you're kind to servants,
They take advantage.
I gave the girl two nights off last month,
And this is how she shows her gratitude.
Come here, my girl.
Come on. Come on.
Now, then,
Are you ready to change your story?
No. I've been in service a long time,
And I have the very highest recommendations.
Lady Minden checked them scrupulously
Before she engaged me.
Not scrupulously enough, apparently.
Arrest the girl, inspector.
Good evening.
You're the spitting image of one another,
You are.
The resemblance, I'm happy to say,
Ends there.
This is my twin brother.
Milord.
I'm not your lord.
I am Mr. Duxbury.
The most I can scrape up is an honorable,
Though even that is a subject of debate.
Nigel, stop being witty
In front of strangers.
Inspector,
It would appear we are about
To have a family consultation.
It'll only bore you.
Therefore, we'll excuse you.
Good night, inspector.
Stay where you are, inspector.
Don't be so hasty, Cybill, my love.
You do want your earrings back, don't you?
It can only be arranged in private.
Then good night, inspector.
What about the girl?
The girl stays.
Good night, inspector.
Good night.
Really, Nigel!
Speak to him, Henry!
Well, really, Nigel.
I fancy that puts you in the clear.
I think perhaps I ought explain.
This afternoon, I asked my brother
For a trifling sum to meet some urgent bills.
He saw fit to refuse.
That's why I pinched the earrings.
You had yours, and you squandered it.
You inherited 10,000.
And you inherited 5 million.
We've been over this many times.
I'm the elder.
By 5 minutes.
That's a million a minute.
Exactly.
Can you blame me if I refuse
To put up with such an unfair arrangement
Because of an archaic legal system?
I will not sit here
And listen to this radical talk
In front of the servant.
Oh, have we finally come around
To me, milady?
I may have been a bit quick tonight.
We'll discuss it in the morning.
I shan't be here in the morning, milady.
But before I go, we have something to put right.
You accused me of stealing.
Very well.
I'll give you two months' wages and a character.
Does that satisfy you?
No, milady, it doesn't.
In addition, I shall require an apology.
An apology?
Uh, no damages?
Will you stop talking to the girl?
You defamed her, you know.
I'd advise her to take it to law.
I'd make an uncommonly good witness.
Oh, I hadn't thought of damages, sir,
But, uh-
A hundred quid.
Will you mind your own business?
200.
200 qul-Pounds would do very nicely.
200 pounds!?
Uh...
it might be better, you know,
If you turn the whole thing over to a solicitor.
I know an awfully good man.
Well, perhaps you're right.
You'd better settle, Cybill.
I'm sure it's nothing to me
What you do with your money.
But you'll get no character!
I'm not interested in a character, baroness.
I am thinking of becoming a lady,
And for that, no character is necessary.
Now, I want to tell you
How extremely sorry I am for what happened tonight.
You helped me tonight, Mr. Duxbury,
And for that, I am grateful,
But since it was you who got me
Into the unpleasant predicament
To begin with,
For that I am ungrateful.
In any case, no good purpose can possibly be served
By continuing this conversation.
Good night.
You talk like Gladstone
And look like Helen of Troy.
It's very surprising.
You look like a duke
And act like the artful dodger.
Equally surprising.
Uh, I have a cab waiting.
I should be delighted to drop you
Wherever you may want to go.
Can you afford a cab?
I think I'm being insulted.
On the contrary. I think I'm being insulted.
That was to have come later.
You're wasting your time, Mr. Duxbury.
Poor but virtuous, eh?
Poor?
You forget I'm worth 200 pounds.
Then perhaps you could drop me somewhere.
I should be delighted, Mr. Duxbury.
Cabby?
Well, shall we ride in silence,
Or shall we chitchat?
Chitchat if you like...
as long as it's confined to that.
You mentioned some rather interesting plans
When you left the room.
Uh, just what do they entail?
All my life, I've watched other people
Enjoying luxuries.
Now I'm going to enjoy them.
I shall be waited on and served and catered to.
Where will you manage all this on 200 pounds?
I shall emigrate.
Emigrate? Where to?
America.
I have a cousin in a little village there called Brooklyn.
Oh. You're too british
To spend the rest of your life in a-
In Brooklyn?
I don't intend to.
I shall find a man with 10,000 a year
And marry him.
Ah.
Without love?
Well, I've no objection to love...
as long as he still has the 10,000.
You know exactly where you're going, don't you?
Exactly.
Before you start,
Why don't we celebrate with some wine?
I can't afford it.
Well, there's still one or two places in london
That honor my signature.
Such as?
Uh...
bernadette's.
Oh, it's for gaiety girls.
Oh. Well, uh...
the cecil.
That's for duchesses.
Well, I can't give you a coronet,
But, uh...
may I lend you these?
Not again.
Oh, no, no. They're a present this time,
A very grudging present,
On the condition I get out and never plague them again.
Do you intend to keep that promise?
Certainly not.
Well...
um...
just for supper, then.
Just for supper.
You nervous?
I'm embarrassed not being in evening dress.
That sets you off from the others...
not that you need it.
People are staring. Is my petticoat showing?
No, but your eyes are.
He hopes you find the champagne
Sufficiently chilled.
Oh. Thank you.
It's all right.
Why, it's very nice.
I hope you aren't going to say
The bubbles tickle your nose.
Oh, no.
No. I was just admiring the gowns.
Beautiful.
So is yours, come to that.
Sure you didn't buy that in the money
My sister-In-Law paid you?
No.
The cape was a castoff from the marchioness of belmore.
I used to work for her.
- And the gown - Well, that, uh,
That's from the old curtains
In the north drawing room.
Oh.
He means "what do you like?"
Thank you.
Oh. Perhaps I ought to help you.
It's probably french or something.
Um...
et pour monsieur?
Oh? Oh. Uh, two, please.
Are you surprised?
I most certainly am, miss.
But why?
I've lived in the best houses in England
And on the continent.
I've got eyes and ears.
And ambition?
Yes.
That's a very dangerous quality.
That's what my father used to tell me.
He was a groom,
A firm believer in knowing one's place,
But my mother used to encourage me.
She always felt she'd married beneath her.
They used to quarrel all the time.
I listened, and I vowed
It was never going to happen to me.
It never will.
I'd hate to be between you
And something you wanted.
I'd hate to have you there.
Yes.
At the moment, I have to introduce you
To a very rich bore.
What's your name, dear?
Hoskins. Jane Hoskins.
Jane Hoskins?
Ah, Duxbury, good evening.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
Yes.
Uh, well, Duxbury,
Aren't you going to introduce me to the lady?
Oh, yes, of course.
Yes. Uh, Lady Jane is kind of-
Loverly,
May I present sir roland epping?
How do you do?
I'm insulted.
Won't you sit down?
Oh. Uh. Heh.
Thank you.
I'm not sure if I have your name right.
Is it Lovely or Loverly?
Lovely.
The northern branch, that is.
Something to do with bonny prince charlie.
And how about the southern branch?
Oh, the southern branch,
In point of fact,
Added an "r" sometime in the reign of bloody mary.
I prefer Loverly.
Oh, yes, of course. Of course.
Uh, did you see the play tonight?
- My cousin and I loathed it - Loathed it.
I loathe your cousin.
Yes. A bore, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
By the way,
I think I knew some Loverlys.
Oh? Perhaps you met before.
Oh, I've been out of the country, mostly.
Where?
South.
South? Africa or America?
Egypt.
Oh.
Yes, egypt.
Lady Loverly's late husband
- Was in cotton - Sir Percy Loverly.
Oh, yes, of course.
Yes. Charming man.
Great loss. Great loss.
Oh, it was, indeed.
Of course, I... I try to carry on.
I keep myself busy, you know.
Yes. She still has her charities.
Oh, charities? Excellent.
Lady Loverly is president of the, uh,
The nile fund.
Or is it chairman of the board?
Both. Both.
The nile fund?
Yes. You've heard of it, surely.
It does wonderful work among the natives.
Oh, sir roland, if you could only see those little faces
Lighting up when they hear the fund's on the way.
It's so good for the empire.
Hmm. Capital. Capital.
Yes. And talking of capital,
My brother gave 200 pounds only this evening.
Henry did?
Oh, yes. Yes.
You should have seen the tears in his eyes,
And, uh, Nigel-
Nigel's been very generous, too.
Oh. Well, in that case,
Perhaps you'll allow me
To put a bit in, too.
Oh. Oh, no, sir roland, I...
I really don't think I...
Oh, I only have a hundred on me, alas,
But perhaps tomorrow, I could-
Bird in the hand where charities are concerned,
Lady Loverly.
Very well, then.
For the sake of charity.
If I may come to tea tomorrow,
I'll augment it.
That would be wonderful, sir roland.
Oh, dear. What a pity. I'm engaged tomorrow.
May I... May I drop you a note?
I shall count the hours.
Little face now lighting up is mine.
Mr. Duxbury, you are, without question,
The most dishonest, the most immoral,
The most unprincipled man
I ever met in my life.
That would sound more convincing if your hot little fist
wasn't stuffed with money.
Oh.
Although, if it'll make you any happier,
We can always give it back-
Your half.
Let's-Let's not be too hasty, Mr. Duxbury.
We can think so much more clearly
When we have a little more wine.
Wait a moment, please.
Good night, Mr. Duxbury.
Oh, I've enjoyed it all enormously-
The music and the supper and the wine.
So glad.
Uh, haven't you forgotten something?
Hmm?
Uh, oh, no,
But I rather hoped you had.
Well, I haven't. Pop it over.
There you are.
Ten fivers, right?
Good of you.
Don't mention it.
Good-Bye.
Uh...
what a wretched memory you have, Jane.
Hmm?
Oh!
It wasn't a bad memory, really.
It was just... reluctance.
You know, Jane,
You're migrating in the wrong direction.
Am I? Why?
Because it is now the season at monte carlo,
And together, you and I are the possessors
Of what is vulgarly known as a stake.
With a little care unto it,
We can double it.
When I was with the marchioness,
We went regularly to monte,
And just as regularly
She lost her shirt.
Well, she had no need to.
Well, there's no sure way of winning.
I agree, but there is a sure way of losing...
to the right people.
Huh?
Mr. Duxbury...
Mr. Duxbury, I've read and observed a great deal
And done my best to improve myself,
But it seems there are still some things I don't know.
Would you care to learn?
This would be purely a working arrangement?
Oh, incredibly pure.
Then why the diamonds?
Because without them,
You are Jane Hoskins,
And with them,
You are Lady Loverly.
Lady Loverly.
If it were not for you, my dear Lady Loverly,
I would have returned to india two days ago.
India's loss is my gain, colonel.
I've adored your stories about the boer war.
Someday I must tell you
What I said to kitchener at khartoum.
Oh, I'll wager you gave him what for.
What are they playing, colonel?
Chemin de fer,
Known to the initiates as "chemmy".
But whatever are they doing?
Well, you see the little wooden box?
That's called a shoe.
Each player gets two cards,
And the object is to get as close to 9 as you can.
After the first two cards,
You have the privilege of drawing one more,
But you must not go over 9,
Or you lose.
Oh, it sounds fascinating.
I'd love to play.
Of course, my dear. Of course.
Oh. I've left all my money at the hotel.
Oh.
Let's be partners.
Well, no, thank you,
But let me play for you.
Beginner's luck, you know.
Good.
Quatre.
Stand, my dear.
Yes. He has more than 9,
So you've won.
Now you can play again.
Oh, this is fun.
Must I leave the whole amount there?
Oh, yes, you must.
I've got 80,000 francs out there,
And I don't think anyone will take the bet.
Banco.
Oh.
I'll take it all.
Shall we?
Do you think I ought to press my luck?
Oh, yes. You can't lose.
I feel it.
No card.
7.
Ohh.
Oh, no, no, no. I... I...
Come in.
How much is missing tonight?
Uh, 20 francs.
I bought some flowers
For a beautiful girl.
Any objections?
Out of your half.
Oh, Nigel, how lovely.
How did the colonel take his reverses?
Like a little man.
Why shouldn't he?
It's a small price for a millionaire to pay to be seen
With the most provocative woman
In all Europe.
Oh, you are generous tonight.
Entrez.
Lady Loverly.
Mr. Duxbury.
The prince of monaco
presents his compliments.
Oh. How charming of him.
We have observed you for several evenings.
In the casino, you are not acquainted.
In Lady Loverly's suite,
You apparently are acquainted.
This gentleman is with the prefecture of police.
He has some advice for you.
Madame, monsieur.
It would relieve both
The principality of monaco and yourselves
Of further embarrassment
If you would leave the principality
At your earliest convenience.
There's an excellent train at noon
With first-Class accommodation.
Bon voyage.
Decent sort of chaps, weren't they?
Oh, Nigel, this is awful.
Those men were police,
Asking us to leave the country.
Well, there are other countries.
You're upset, aren't you?
Yes, of course I am.
Who wouldn't be, being treated like a common criminal?
Oh, there's nothing common about us.
Look, Jane.
You have to expect this sort of thing
To happen occasionally
In our sort of, uh, work,
But if you find it too sticky,
If you want to cut and run,
You just say the word.
Trying to get rid of me?
No, no. I'm just trying to make it easy for you.
After all, this is far from England,
And I'm a man. I don't mind.
This is easy kind of stuff for me.
I don't mind.
Nigel?
There must be other countries.
There's italy, for one.
Italy for two.
The authority of the international settlement
Believe that the international settlement
Will be less international but more-
Settled?
With the benefit of our absence.
We are happy we make ourself clear.
We leave tomorrow.
And may I ask in which direction we're leaving?
And to the east, there's a very large ocean.
The other side of which lies America,
Where you've always wanted to emigrate.
Wish I'd done it in the first place.
Bit like prison, this, isn't it?
I hope it isn't an omen.
Oh, don't be melancholy.
America is a very rich country.
It's full of gold mines, oil wells,
And millionaires.
Well, any two of those would be nice.
Hmm.
As a matter of fact, it'll take about all our money
For two first-Class passages to San Francisco.
We could, um, share the same cabin.
I'm just trying to be economical.
We'll take two cabins.
You say we can't afford them...
unless we sell the earrings.
Going to capital?
Never.
What can we do, then?
I know.
You can go steerage.
What?
Come in.
Oh! Frightfully nice of you to drop in, I must say.
Listen to this.
"Marchioness arrives.
"Rejects invitations. Insists on seclusion.
"Lady Loverly, upon her arrival in San Francisco,
"Refused to admit the bevy of reporters
"Who stormed her hotel suite.
"The beautiful and regal visitor
"Offered no comment regarding the purpose
Of her stay in the bay city".
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, it's very nice, but you can't eat newspaper headlines.
You sound a little testy.
I am testy. We've got to get to work, Nigel.
Have you any idea what these rooms are costing?
Yes. They're attractive, aren't they?
Much more so than my vermin-Infested billet on the waterfront.
More social climbers?
Oh, dozens.
Ah, it's the penalty of carrying a great name, my dear.
Oh, sweets. Good.
Wish somebody would send us a side of beef.
We may need it.
If all goes well,
You can buy yourself your own cattle ranch.
How are things going, by the way?
Invitations by the dozen.
Anything good?
A few possibles.
Now, here's one from the governor's mansion
In Sacramento.
No. Governors never have any money.
Mr. and Mrs. Algernon McAfee
Respectfully request the pleasure of my company
At a costume ball.
Why don't you go as a lady's maid?
Oh, shut up.
Mr. and Mrs. Bruno Thayar want me for lunch.
Let's give Bruno a bit of thought.
He has a bank down on market street.
Nigel, lunch won't be served in the vault.
Here's one on rather nice paper,
Asking me for tea on tuesday.
What name?
Mrs. Julia Wortin.
Banco.
She's the biggest trout of them all.
The rest are just minnows. Listen.
"Wortin, Mrs. Julia, nee dugan.
"Born omaha, nebraska. Widow of hector Wortin.
"President, founder's society of California.
"President, Wortin sailors home.
"President, Wortin petroleum company.
President, Wortin steamship lines".
We came over on one of her boats, didn't we?
I thought it was rather charming.
It was not charming in the steerage.
Ohh.
Oh.
And she's also the owner
Of the blankensop diamond.
Well, do I hold her up
With a pearl-Handled pistol?
Is that the plan?
Don't be so vulgar.
Well, what, then?
Come and sit down.
Quick.
Well. Sit.
Really, Nigel.
Now get pen and paper
And write what I say.
Oh, I'm perfectly capable of composing my own notes.
And I acquired an excellent literary style
At the best of schools,
And we may as well use it.
Now, then, begin.
All right. Go ahead.
Uh...
Lady Loverly regrets...
she is unable to accept...
Accept Mrs. Wortin's invitation...
of the fifth...
for the fifth.
For the fifth. I'm sorry.
But if Mrs. Wortin
Will honor her by...
Nigel, I can't write
If you keep breathing on my neck.
Well, I've got to breathe,
And it's a very beautiful neck.
You promised that our relationship
Was going to be incredibly pure.
Yes. Now it's purely incredible.
Well, come on. Let's get on with it.
Now, where were we?
You have refused Mrs. Wortin's invitation,
And you were about to ask her here instead.
Well, for what purpose?
How do we know she plays cards?
Jane, I have a statement of policy to make.
We are through cheating at cards.
We're turning over a new leaf.
Oh?
How are we going to eat?
We are going to pinch
Mrs. Wortin's jewels.
You really are the most dishonest,
The most immoral, the most dissolute...
think we can get away with it?
Mrs. Wortin.
You honor us.
Take me to Lady Loverly's suite.
I'm having tea with her.
Really?
What do you mean, "really"?
Well, simply that, to date,
She's received no one.
She'll receive me.
Up we go.
Cream, Mrs. Wortin?
Lots. Drowns out the taste of the tea.
At home, I usually serve oolong,
But I find it rather difficult to get here.
I'll send you a barrel.
Oh, you're kind.
Not kind-Eager.
I know everybody in town's
Been trying to bust in on you,
And I'm the only one who made it.
Why?
Your heart, Mrs. Wortin.
Even in England, we've heard of your charities.
And I am especially interested
In your home for fallen sailors.
I'm crazy about the navy.
I can understand that.
Father was an admiral.
Maybe you'd like to come see my boys.
Well, I'm afraid I can't manage that,
But I would like to send a contribution.
I'll, uh, I'll write to my solicitor in london,
Tell him to send you a check.
Got a heart of your own, haven't you?
Ah. It's just because I know how much it means to you.
You see, I have a pet charity, too.
What's yours?
The nile fund.
Ah, Mrs. Wortin,
If you could just see those little faces shining
When they hear the fund is on the way.
I'd like to make their faces shine a lot more.
Oh. I wonder who that is.
Yes?
Good afternoon, milady.
Uh...
I'm... I'm Hoskins, milady.
Oh, yes, Hoskins.
I, uh, I quite forgot you were coming.
Well, another day will do, milady.
Oh, no, no. Come in, Hoskins.
Mrs. Wortin, you don't mind if I give Hoskins a minute, do you?
Go ahead.
Sit down.
Sit down. You make me nervous.
Now, I haven't much time, Hoskins.
What's your problem?
Well, as I made bold to mention in my note to you, milady,
I have been traveling ever since his highness' untimely death.
Hoskins was butler to old prince william.
Such a darling man.
God finally got him.
Almost his very last words
Were of you, milady.
Poor, poor porky.
He was always very generous to me,
But, in a way, it was my downfall.
I have always been something of a gaming man,
And I met two american gentlemen
Who taught me a game of chance called...
uh, craps.
Well, you get no sympathy from me, Hoskins.
I disapprove of gambling.
Don't you, Mrs. Wortin?
You bet your boots...
unless it's a sure thing.
Well, it's one thing for you,
But it's quite another thing
For a person of limited means.
Now, the best thing for you, Hoskins,
Is to try and get back into service
As soon as possible.
You should have no difficulty
In finding another situation-
Perhaps, um, even at buckingham palace.
I'll write to them.
Thank you, ma'am.
Madam...
I had hoped to stop in San Francisco.
Whatever for?
Because, milady, it is my conviction
That one day, San Francisco
Will be the greatest city in the world.
Bully for you!
Thank you, madam.
I wonder if milady could help me find a situation here.
Well, I'm afraid I don't know anybody here, Hoskins,
Except Mrs. Wortin.
Perhaps madam could inquire among her friends.
What are your wages?
Well, I'm rather expensive, madam,
But, if I may say so, I'm worth it.
Tell you what you do.
You go downstairs, wait for me in the lobby,
And we'll haggle around a little bit
And try and make a deal.
Good afternoon.
Your umbrella.
Hmm?
Some more tea, Mrs. Wortin?
No, thank you.
I've got to be going in a minute.
Got a board of directors meeting.
Seeing Hoskins again has made me so homesick.
I do miss England,
Yet I'm afraid to go back.
Why?
Well, since poor percy left us,
I've just been traveling around the world, you know.
Riviera, st. Petersburg, shanghal,
Trying to-
Oh, I mustn't burden you with my troubles.
Go ahead!
I think perhaps I've been away
From my home and gardens too long.
I'm getting so tired of hotels,
And I miss my lovely roses.
Say! I've got a whale of a house
Down on the peninsula
With all the roses you want.
Come spend the weekend.
Oh, dear Mrs. Wortin, you are kind,
But, uh, we scarcely know each other.
Oh, don't worry about that.
We'll be friends in no time.
It's true we do have a lot in common, don't we?
Our charities, for instance.
Oh! How do you like that?
I plumb forgot about your nile fund.
Oh, don't bother now.
I wasn't suggesting-
Got it right here.
The sooner, the quicker.
You are generous.
You may be very sure that this will be put to good use.
Good morning, madam.
The temperature is 68 degrees
With a moderate westerly breeze.
It promises fair.
I look forward to your weather report, Hoskins.
I risked kidneys for madam this morning.
I'm crazy about kidneys.
With my compliments, madam.
Oh, thank you, Hoskins.
I hope madam won't be too angry with me,
But I put Lady Loverly in the pink room.
But the gold room's a lot more stylish.
I think her ladyship
Would like to be close to you, madam.
You do?
Oh, definitely.
I've given the gold to Mr. Collans,
Which puts Mrs. Pemberson in the blue.
But the blue room looks more masculine for Mr. Collans.
Ah. I've transferred the humidor, the ashtrays,
And the cuspidor into the gold room.
It gives a very surprising look, madam.
I want this party to be a knockout.
Well, madam has assembled
A most impressive guest list.
Well, the fact is, madam's a snob.
That's why she hired you.
Drop his highness' name as often as possible, Hoskins.
Anything madam wishes.
Is there anything else, madam?
Guess I might as well come clean with you.
I went overboard.
I told everybody I called Lady Loverly
By her first name,
And I don't even know it.
It's Jane, madam.
And I told them that she calls me Julia.
Guess I'm stuck.
Well, may I suggest you just say,
"How do you do, Jane?"
Good breeding will demand that she reply in kind.
You think so?
I give you my personal guarantee, madam.
Do I have your personal guarantee
That she'll come?
I'm sure her ladyship
Is looking forward to this weekend
As being very rewarding.
Good afternoon, Hoskins.
Good afternoon, milady.
Call the old tramp "Julia" and have a headache.
Hello, Jane.
My dear Julia, how very nice to see you.
Now come on in and meet my friends.
Julia, forgive me.
I have ever so slight a headache.
I wonder, could Hoskins show me to my room?
Well, I'll take you up myself.
Oh, no. Please don't bother.
Oh, it's no bother. Come along.
Very well.
I hope your friends will forgive me.
I'm looking forward to meeting them later.
I hope you don't mind
Meeting one of them now.
Lady Loverly, this is Mr. Tracy Collans
From Boston.
How do you do?
Very much better
Now that my curiosity is satisfied.
I was under the impression that we might have met
During one of my visits to london.
I travel a good deal.
England couldn't have a more charming ambassador.
Well, thank you.
I'm not sure the foreign office would agree with you.
Excuse me.
Only on condition that you save me a waltz
And two polkas tonight.
Waltz? Polkas?
I didn't tell you, Jane.
I'm giving a whopping ball for you.
Oh, Julia, you are naughty.
Do you grant my request, Lady Loverly?
You're quite, eh, enterprising,
Aren't you, Mr. Collans?
That's why he's such a successful banker.
We've got a deal on now,
And he's trying to get my eyeteeth.
Well, I'm glad you warned me.
I shall keep my mouth closed.
Oh...
Hoskins, place me next to Lady Loverly at supper.
That might be a bit of a problem, sir.
Well, solve it, Hoskins,
And I'll make it worth your while.
Bribery, sir?
Yes.
I just wanted to make sure.
Well, where is she?
Uh, headachy.
Headaches are so convenient.
Some women really have them.
Cora had her first on our honeymoon.
It never left me.
Would you care for a cup of tea, Mr. Caighn?
I don't hold with tea.
I'll have a big fat cup of coffee.
You drink too much coffee, Horace.
It's bad for your liver.
You're not as young as you used to be.
Personally, I adore mature men.
Coffee for Mr. Caighn-
Black and piping hot.
And don't fill the cup.
Mr. Caighn can't bear a brimming cup.
May I suggest a pony of brandy
In your tea, Mrs. Caighn?
His highness couldn't resist it.
Oh. That sounds delicious.
No brandy for me, Hoskins.
I can't bear women who drink.
You mean you can't bear women
Who want to keep their husbands.
Uh...
Ahem. Won't you try some of our shortbread
With your tea, madam?
It's a belmoral recipe I gave cook,
One of Lady Loverly's favorites.
What other favorites does Lady Loverly have, Hoskins?
Uh, diamond earrings, madam,
And lettuce straight from the garden.
She's also very partial to turbot of alaska
Served with a graves superior '97.
Oh, so Lady Loverly
Isn't above taking a drink now and then.
Lady Loverly's cellar is matched
Only by that of the duke de guise,
Though I fancy her madeiras are superior.
From what I hear, her figure isn't bad, either.
Oh, you put it crudely, Mr. Caighn.
In my considerable opinion,
Lady Loverly is out of botticelli.
Hmm.
Hoskins! Hoskins!
Hoskins, hurry.
Lady Loverly is perishing for a dish of tea.
She says "dish", not "cup".
Doesn't that kill you?
I have brought your tea, milady.
Oh, thank you, Hoskins.
What on earth does that gibberish mean?
Who knows? It's something the gardener
Keeps saying to the second maid.
She always runs like a mink.
Oh, Nigel.
You're the first butler I ever saw in my life
Who really looks like a butler.
Well, I'm also living like one,
But it may be worth it.
Look.
I have seen some of her jewels.
They're fantastic.
She has a necklace that's worth a fortune.
Why don't we take the blankensop diamond?
No. We couldn't dispose of it.
It's too well-Known.
No. The necklace is the thing.
We can live on it for years,
One stone at a time.
It's like having shares in the bank of England.
Well, how do we acquire these shares?
Well, that door leads to her bedroom.
Somewhere in there is the safe-Where, I don't know,
But the key to it is in a gold chain
She wears around her neck.
She wears it night and day.
Oh, how very uncooperative.
She's more uncooperative than you think.
Each room in this house
Is equipped with the latest thing in burglar alarms.
Look. They work by electricity.
Electricity?
Oh, Nigel.
You know that headache you asked me to have?
I've got it already.
Now, Jane, don't worry so.
Up to now, the worst that's happened
Is that we've been asked to leave town.
If something goes wrong this time,
We may very well be asked to stay...
about 20 years.
Well, there are bound to be risks.
Otherwise, everyone and his dog would be doing it.
Well, have you got nothing planned?
Why, certainly, I have. Yes.
Step number one, find the safe.
Step number two?
Uh, step number two, yes.
Come in.
I bring pillow like missy Wortin say this morning.
Well, how very clever of you. Well done.
Would you like some more tea, milady?
No, thank you, Hoskins.
If lady wishes anything, just ring.
I think I'll be able to help myself, thank you.
Thank you, milady.
Oh, furioso!
That was splendid.
Gracias.
I must apologize for furioso.
I thought he was frightened by the chickens.
Now I know he was trying to impress you.
He did impress me.
Oh, he's beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Aren't you rather forgetting yourself?
Maybe.
I always forget myself, señorita,
When I'm near a beautiful woman.
That must make you very... unreliable.
Perhaps.
It's in the blood of my family
For a thousand years,
And I like it.
Señor Dinas,
I thought you might like to know
That tea is now being served in the drawing room.
I would rather know who is the señorita
With a face like a gardenia.
I assume you refer to Lady Loverly.
Is she married?
A widow, sir.
Bueno.
Not so frightfully bueno.
She was heartbroken by her husband's death,
Vowed never to look at another man.
But I do not want her to look at another man.
I want her to look at Juan miguel esteban Dinas y martinez.
That's me.
I suggest you stay where you are, sir.
Her ladyship can never resist an attractive horse.
Mrs. Belpayasa.
Good evening.
Lady Loverly, marchioness of penneston.
Julia, dear, what a perfectly lovely party.
How's your headache, Jane?
Oh, it's disappeared, thank you.
Oh, glad to hear it.
They're all waiting to meet you
With their tongues hanging out.
Dear me.
I hope they haven't been too uncomfortable.
Lady Loverly, this is Mrs. James Horace Caighn.
How do you do, Mrs. Caighn?
How do you do?
What a perfectly fabulous necklace, Julia.
Isn't it, Mrs. Caighn? Oh, yes.
Biggest west of the mississippi.
Those earrings of yours are not bad, either.
Oh, my husband's first gift to me-
My late husband, you know.
I - I'm always terrified of losing them.
Burglars.
Me, too.
I keep all my junk bolted down.
Of course, at home, I have a safe.
Good idea.
But when one's traveling,
It's so difficult to know where to keep things,
So that they'll be safe, I mean.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm quite sure this is our dance,
Lady Loverly.
Your train, milady.
Thank you.
We meet again.
I breathe again.
You've met?
Yes.
From far below, this afternoon,
I saw her up on the balcony,
Looking like a-
A gardenia, sir?
Like a rose.
I must tell you that the rose
Thought you were quite mad.
I saved this dance for you, Juan.
Oh, I'm... I'm awfully sorry.
I saved this one for Lady Loverly.
You will honor me next?
I doubt that I shall be free.
May I?
This is an encore, Mr. Dinas.
It is still my dance.
Well, that's a technicality, señor.
It is my dance.
I shall dance with neither,
And that will be fair to both.
Well, but not to you.
Hoskins, have you a coin?
Yes, milady.
Shall I flip it?
Oh, no, thank you. I'll do my own flipping.
How do you call, gentlemen?
Tails.
I have no choice.
I'm left with heads.
You are left with me, señor.
The next dance, Mr. Collans.
My train, please, Hoskins.
Thank you.
My coin, please, milady.
Oh. Sorry.
What is it this time, Hoskins?
What I hoped it would have been the first time, sir-
Tails.
Thank you, Hoskins.
Forgive my saying so, sir-
The quality of a gentleman never escapes a gentleman's gentleman.
I've never seen such wonderful flowers.
Oh, you should see my fields of poppies and the spanish bayonet
And the gardenias all around the estancia.
200 years ago, my ancestors built it...
for you.
They must have had amazing foresight.
Come to my home tomorrow,
And I will show you the real gold of California,
The sweet-Smelling hay and the plums and the grapes
and the fat cattle and the pigs.
Do you like pigs, Lady Loverly?
I've met so few.
And horses?
Oh, yes.
Do you ride?
Oh, like a cossack.
My father was a-
Well, that is, he knew a lot of cossacks.
Fine. I'll send fanchito for a horse.
The horse is a girl.
Furioso is in love with her.
Does she love him?
Passionately.
I beg your pardon.
The orchestra is about to commence number 5.
Mrs. Pemberson wishes me to inform you
That she's waiting by the punch bowl.
Tell her to put her head in it.
Certainly, sir.
No. Hoskins, wait.
Señor Dinas, you promised her.
You should go.
Well, uh, yes, but, uh,
You will wait right here?
Will not go?
The dance will be finished very quickly.
I doubt that, sir.
It's one of strauss' slow waltzes,
A minor work.
Well?
In one more moment, I suspect that
You'd have been thoroughly kissed.
Quite possibly.
That'd be a mistake.
Might be one mistake worth making.
You're behaving like a servant girl.
I'm behaving the way I want to
For the first time in my life.
It's a pity I didn't realize
How you wanted to behave.
Nigel.
Milady.
Oh, stop it.
Did I say something wrong?
Nigel, must it be tonight?
Look, Jane.
A weekend consists of 3 nights and 2 days.
If we fail tonight, we have 2 more chances.
If we fail tomorrow, we have one more chance.
As professional burglars,
We must leave ourselves the largest possible margin for error.
It must be tonight.
What must be tonight?
Uh, I was just about to recall to her ladyship
That it must be precisely 3 years ago tonight
That I first had the honor to serve her
At his highness' shooting box.
Yes, indeed, Hoskins.
How time flies.
It does, indeed, milady. Yes.
Whatever happened to Mrs. Pemberson?
Oh, it's... It's my leg. Yes.
- It's an old story - An injury.
A very old injury. Yes.
Many years ago, a horse-
And the, uh,
The old injury recurs at every convenient moment.
Uh, yes-
And heals miraculously
When I'm near a beautiful woman.
Look, Hoskins.
Yes, madam.
Bully, isn't it?
Very bully, madam.
"200 years ago, my ancestors built it...
for you".
For me...
Lady Loverly.
Julia?
Come in.
Where are you?
I'm in here...
soaking.
My feet are killing me.
Well, why not?
You were the belle of the ball.
They all owe me money.
Oh. Julia, I know you'll think I'm being silly,
But I'm rather worried about my earrings.
Is there anyplace where they'll be safe?
The safest place is in my safe.
The key's in here on the chair.
Thank you.
Uh...
where is the safe?
Behind my husband's picture on the fireplace.
You'll find a button
Under the left-Hand side of the mantel.
Just push it, and hector will swing open.
What do you think of him?
Hector?
Oh, very commanding.
He was at first,
But I took it out of him.
Think you'll ever marry again?
Oh, I... I don't know, Julia.
Is the safe still open?
Yes, yes. I'm just about to close it.
Do me a favor and put my necklace in.
It's on the dressing table.
Yes. Of course.
You ought to marry again, Jane.
Well, you didn't.
At my age, a good cook
Is more important than a husband.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
Tracy Collans is crazy about you-
The same way he's crazy about a gilt-Edged bond.
Dinas is something else.
He'd worry you.
He'd drive you cuckoo,
But you'd have yourself a man.
Yes. I suppose... I suppose I would.
What'd you say?
I... I suppose I would.
What shall I do with the key, Julia?
Just leave it on the mantel.
Good night, then, Julia,
And thank you for a perfectly wonderful evening.
Remember what I told you.
You'd have yourself a man.
I'll remember.
Nigel.
Good morning.
Just a moment, milady.
What is it?
That is exactly what I was about to ask you.
Well, I think you know the answer.
What am I to assume?
Is it off or merely postponed?
I don't know.
It's not very sporting of you to leave me
Dangling like this.
Nigel, it's complicated.
I didn't want it to be complicated,
But it's... It's complicated.
It is complicated.
In that case, I better leave, of course.
Now, listen to me, Jane Hoskins.
You cannot go on putting me off like this.
Good morning, Jane.
Good morning.
Will you be back for lunch, milady?
Definitely not.
Perhaps it'd be better if you didn't go.
The weather, sir. I'm afraid it may be a little complicated.
Into every life, a little rain must fall.
Quite simply, I just thought I ought to warn you.
Can we count upon you tonight?
Tonight?
For dinner, sir.
Hoskins is a very solicitous servant-
Almost too solicitous.
Don't fret, my man.
Just go about your business as usual.
Thank you, milady.
I shall hope for good weather, milady.
Oh, Hoskins.
Yes, sir.
Where have they gone?
I - I couldn't say, sir.
Come in here.
Now, don't be discreet, Hoskins.
Tell me man to man.
Unhappily, sir,
That relationship doesn't obtain.
It is gentleman to man.
More bribery, sir?
I wish you'd find another word.
A rose by any other name.
They're spending the whole day
At his estancia, sir.
Do you know who that man is,
What kind of reputation he has?
I have heard rumors, sir. Yes, I have.
Not only he. The whole kit and caboodle of them...
Mrs. Wortin, the Caighns,
Mrs. Pemberson. Not fit to-To-
To kiss the hem of her dress,
Polish her boots?
Either one will do, sir.
Look here, Hoskins.
You may not be a gentleman,
But you're certainly closer to it
Than anyone else in this house-
Oh, except you, sir. Exactly.
And it's my opinion lady Loverly's being taken in
By these people.
Indeed, sir?
I would only be shirking my duty
If I did not warn her.
Do you think she might consider it presumptuous
In view of the fact that I...
Oh, I understand, sir.
As tennyson once said,
"Love is a brook
From which one must drink delicately".
May I write that down?
Oh, of course. Yes.
I always make notes of what I'm going to say.
"The written word endures,
"While the spoken one disappears like water
In the hot sands of time".
I'm quoting omar khayyaám, sir.
Beautiful. May I?
Yes. Please.
I'm sure I can get both these things in.
Uh, in what, sir?
I'm planning to speak to her ladyship tonight.
It's so important, that I want my thoughts
To be in order.
Uh... I was just thinking, sir.
No, I... I shouldn't say.
Oh, please, Hoskins. Please.
Well, sir, it occurred to me,
You might make a more telling presentation of your case
If you used your obvious talent
For writing.
I dare say.
Well, actually, I wouldn't know how to phrase
Such a letter.
Well, my late employer,
The honorable Nigel Duxbury-
A man of infinite charm and wit-
Always started at the beginning.
Logical. Supremely logical.
What, Hoskins, would you say
Was the beginning?
Well, I would say, "dear Lady Loverly".
Does nobody in California
Live in a small house?
Not if he can live in a big one.
Oh...
it's overpowering.
Well, I'm sure it's nothing
Compared to your castle in England.
Did you find it overpowering?
I spend most of my time in the stables.
And I spend most of mine in the pigpen.
I'm developing a new breed.
Oh, they're charming!
Oh, I'd love to meet them.
First I want you to meet my family.
My father and my mother.
I don't remember them very well.
I was very young when they died,
But this is the one I remember best.
My grandfather...
Juan Estama Miguel Dinas y Garcia.
It was he who raised me.
He lived like a king,
Died like an emperor.
And this...
this is my grandmother.
She has wonderful eyes.
My grandmother says, "they have to be very sharp
To keep up with me".
Jane, my grandmother,
The princess margarita.
I am honored, madam.
Thank you.
She's asking after the health of your king.
I believe his majesty
Is devoting himself conscientiously
To affairs of state.
She says that the king
Should pay more attention
To his health.
She's going to write to him.
Does she really know him?
Who knows? She's such a great liar.
For instance, at the moment,
She's pretending she cannot speak english.
Do you speak spanish?
No. I'm afraid I don't.
Well, then maybe I can prevail upon my grandmother
To be civil.
Do you love her?
I do.
And you?
I have only known your grandson for two days.
That is a good sign.
Most women he knows only one day.
He is faithful to nothing
But his horses.
Oh, you!
You are jealous of Jane because she's young and you're old!
You have forgotten what it is to love.
He loves you,
Or he would not shout at me.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm a weak and ungrateful grandson.
You should disown me.
I have loved 3 men in my life-
His grandfather, his father, and him.
It is a work of art
To love a thing as properly,
And very tiring.
I hope you will have the strength.
Why do you turn away?
Why do you avoid my eyes?
Because unlike you, grandmother,
She's shy and modest
And does not ask questions
That are none of her business.
None of my business?
My grandson's wife is none of my business?
She may be like the others,
Trying to marry you
For our name and our stage.
You must be sure, Juan.
Go.
Take her to the warm sun and ask her yourself.
I hope, Lady Loverly,
That you will forgive me.
My grandson is right.
I've been jealous of you.
You have no need to be.
I have crossed two varieties.
I have taken the New York sow pig
And mated it with a jersey boar.
The result? Extra-Large hams.
Am I boring you?
Oh, no. I love every one of them
And their extra-Large hams.
Is this all yours?
Yes.
My grandfather stood on a hill and said,
"I will own everything I see".
Oh, such a region.
Gives life to everything it touches.
It's so vast, it almost frightens me.
You'd be very happy here, Jane.
Oh, I am. I am.
It's been a lovely day.
Tell me more about your pigs.
I love the little black-And-White ones
With the pink noses best of all.
They're all yours.
8,000 pigs I give you.
Well, I... I don't know
Just where I'm going to put them.
Oh, just leave them here.
The house will be yours, too.
You will have a hundred servants
And forever and always my heart.
I love you, Jane.
Oh, Juan, it's impossible.
Is it because of my grandmother?
No.
No, it's not your grandmother.
Jane, I know you love me.
What is it?
Don't-Don't hurry me, Juan.
If I don't, you will be gone.
Oh, no, no. There's half the weekend left yet.
Let's go back to the house
And say good-Bye to the princess.
We've come to say good-Bye.
Good-Bye, madam.
Juan, I wish to talk to you alone.
Jane, I...
No. It's all right. I understand.
Jane.
What was all the shouting about?
Jane.
Come in.
Did you ring, milady?
No, I didn't.
I thought not.
I hope you had a glittering romantic day
With that peasant.
Peasant?
His grandmother is the niece
Of the King of Spain.
I have some titled relations myself.
He offered me a hundred servants,
A house of my own,
And 8,000 pigs.
He wants to marry me, Nigel.
Oh.
So tiddling about with the idea
Of relating yourself to the Spanish Royal Family?
And why not?
Why not, indeed.
You once said you'd marry a man
With 10,000 a year.
You've done considerably better.
I also said that I had no objection
To falling in love at the same time.
And have you?
Well, how could I know in 24 hours?
What do you know?
I know that he...
he disturbs me.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.
What will you do?
Will you go away?
Not until the end of the month
When I'm paid my $30.
On that, I shall go around the world twice.
Oh, Nigel.
Now, don't let's be sentimental.
On second thought, do let's.
Heretofore, I've refrained from kissing you,
But since it's good-Bye, may I?
Yes. You may.
I should never have waited.
Julia?
Come in.
Julia, may I have my earrings?
The safe's open. Help yourself.
Thank you.
Buenas tardes, señora marquesa, I make them shine.
Yes. It looks splendid.
Come in.
Hello.
Good heavens, Nigel. Is this your room?
All of it.
But I... I thought you were staying till the end of the month.
No. I changed my mind.
Here. Take these.
Whatever for?
Well, you're gonna need money.
The first time in my life,
I'm embarrassed.
It's becoming.
Jane, we've deceived a great many people.
Too many.
But never each other. Not really...
except once.
The plain fact is that in Shanghal,
I was so appalled at the thought
Of having to travel steerage,
I... I borrowed these.
I took them to a little man
With a big glass in his eye in his disreputable house in fleabite street.
He offered me $50 mix.
Paste?
Paste.
Dear me.
I never would have thought it of Lady Minden.
Oh, I wasn't surprised.
So much about her was sham.
I hate her.
Oh, Nigel. What?
What are we going to do?
We?
About you.
Well, what are the alternatives?
Well, you, um...
you could get another partner.
No. You've spoiled me.
Well, I shall probably go back to England.
Well, how are you going to get there?
You can ask the spanish royal family
To send me a battleship.
And you can go to the devil.
Buenas tardes, señora marquesa.
She shines more.
Yes.
Oh.
Forgotten something?
No.
Excuse me.
Nigel, I've been thinking.
Couldn't you pinch the silver?
Well, that's a very brilliant idea, indeed.
I should leave the house with one bag
And 4 barrels?
Well, it was just a suggestion.
And a very stupid one, indeed.
Stupid?
Look here, my man.
I've been the brains of this combination
From the very beginning.
Oh, really?
Well, I... I seem to remember an evening at the hotel cecil
With sir roland epping forcing money upon us
And all because of me.
From that point on, your contribution
Has been purely decorative.
Indeed?
And may I ask who discovered the location
Of Mrs. Wortin's safe?
A mere detail.
I'd have uncovered it myself in time.
Really?
I'm delighted to know
That you're so resourceful
And I shan't have to worry about you ever again.
Good-Bye. Good-Bye.
Buenas tardes, señora marquesa
He is almost finished.
Yes.
I'm... I'm going with you.
You'd close that big house
And dismiss those 100 servants.
If I thought I had a chance
Of getting them and keeping them,
I'd take it, but I haven't.
For one giddy moment,
I thought you couldn't bear the idea
Of leaving me.
Oh, shut up.
I wish I'd never met you...
or him.
I wish I was still working as a maid
For your sister-In-Law.
I wish I didn't feel anything for anybody.
I must say, I don't understand you.
Well, of course you don't.
You're not a woman.
I prefer the present arrangement.
Well, I don't. We haven't a penny.
Oh, we'll think of something.
I was under the impression
That we already had.
No. No. You've grown to like Mrs. Wortin,
And-And he's in the house.
It's too delicate a situation.
Oh, the best thing for you to do
Is to stay on as a guest,
And we'll think of other ways and means.
There are no other ways and means,
And I want to get out of here immediately.
Very well.
She does have to put delicacy aside
With the other luxuries that I can't afford.
Be in the courtyard tonight.
Jane. Hmm?
Good luck.
Thank you, partner.
Julia?
Yes, Jane?
Are you in the bath?
Yeah.
I am sorry to trouble you again,
But, uh, may I put my earrings away?
Sure! Help yourself.
Thank you.
Yes?
Let me in.
Juan, no. It's too late.
All evening, you have avoided me.
That's right.
Why?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
There is something I must know
Before tomorrow.
Do you hear me?
Good night, Juan.
Fanchito. Fanchito.
Hey.
Come on.
Buenas noches, señor.
Uh, buenas, jefe.
Buenas noches.
Good evening, sir.
Shall I kill him?
Not unless he makes trouble.
In there.
Let's not do anything we'll hate ourselves for
In the morning, shall we?
You have something in your pocket.
Give it to me.
Only on condition that you forget that Lady Loverly-
You are in no position to make conditions.
Sí, señor.
Uh...
I see your point.
You-
You did that very well, Juan.
Now do it again...
the other way.
Is that the way to treat the man that has asked you to marry him?
Shh!
Is it?
I can't marry you, Juan.
Why not, Lady Loverly?
Many reasons.
Possibly one of them is that your name is not Lady Loverly?
My grandmother is a very suspicious woman.
Uh...
another reason might be the butler.
You go to his room.
Your servant
Is also very suspicious.
Yes, yes. It runs in the family.
What have you done with him?
Oh, fanchito is holding his hand.
I would like to hold yours.
This afternoon, you wanted to marry me.
This afternoon, you were the kind of a woman one marries.
I suggest that you leave this room.
When one is discussing this sort of thing,
One should not be interrupted.
What sort of thing?
Well, the fact that if I leave this room,
I would have to call the police.
Oh, and you want me
To persuade you not to call the police.
I am sure you can be very persuasive.
Uh...
if, uh-
If we arrive at this bargain,
You won't make any trouble for him?
I don't think you're very clever to keep talking about him.
I am a very jealous man.
We're thieves together, nothing else.
How utterly stupid I am.
I don't think either of us are very stupid, Mr. Dinas...
shh.
And I suggest that you leave this room.
If you don't, I...
If I don't...
if you don't...
I shall ring this alarm
That they tell me arouses the entire house.
Oh, now, why would you do such a silly thing?
Between spending one more moment in this room with you
And going to jail, I prefer jail.
I don't believe you.
No?
No.
That would make it very awkward for you.
But not for you.
You just explain how you caught the thieves.
You'll be rather a hero.
Will you go?
No.
Jane!
Are you all right?
I'm not in the least all right.
What are you doing in here?
That's what everybody will want to know.
Will you please open the door, Mr. Dinas?
It happens every time.
You let one of these hot-Blooded latins in the house,
And bells begin ringing.
Same thing happens to me
Every time I go down to san diego.
Uh, Lady Loverly, what's wrong?
Señor Dinas will explain.
Presenting señor Dinas.
Well, the-
The explanation is obvious.
I forced my way into this room and locked the door.
Lady Loverly did not welcome my attentions.
I owe you all an apology...
chiefly Lady Loverly.
I hope she will forgive me.
You should be horsewhipped.
I agree, señor,
But you are not the man to do it.
Señor Dinas has apologized.
The kindest thing would be to forget it.
Not on your life!
I've let him and his grandmother,
To say nothing of those pigs,
Go on living in that palace as if he owned it.
Well, he don't.
He's been borrowing on it from me for years.
In the morning, you and your pigs
Will be on the street.
Please, Mrs. Wortin-
No, Jane. No.
I'm always ready to pay for my mistakes.
You've made only one mistake,
A very generous one.
Don't.
Hey!
He's got a necklace just like mine.
It's yours.
I stole it out of your safe.
Jumping cats.
What a perfectly delightful scandal.
I just can't wait to get back to town.
Come on.
Let's go see what's she done
With the rest of my junk.
Light the lamps, will you, somebody,
So I can see what I'm doing?
Wait.
Seems I made another mistake.
I hope it's not too late to correct it.
Come.
We'll go out the same way I came in.
Did you ring, madam?
Uh, Hoskins,
We have no need of you at the moment.
Hoskins, I would suggest that you
Return to your quarters.
Oh, no, you don't.
Stay right where you are.
This is gonna shock you, Hoskins,
But your friend Lady Loverly is a crook.
Lady Loverly, the marchioness of penneston,
The darling of mayfair?
Incredible.
She swiped this.
That's appalling.
Allow me.
Now you have made a mistake, Mrs. Wortin.
How?
You will find out in a moment, madam.
What have you done to fanchito?
He looked rather tired.
I lulled him back to sleep.
Oh, I'm getting tired of this palaver.
Hoskins, call the sheriff.
That, if I may say so, madam,
Would be the supreme mistake.
You see, mine is the mastermind behind this robbery.
Oh! Now don't shoot.
Please. Please, Mrs. Wortin,
Don't be alarmed.
All we ask is a carriage and a fast horse.
There is no point in running away.
They'll call the police before you're gone.
No. No, they won't.
I have here a pass through the enemy's lines-
A letter written to you by Mr. Tracy Collans.
I doubt if anyone will want to go to the police
When they've heard what's in it.
Why, this is outrageous.
I demand that you return that letter to me at once.
Well, the letter is clearly mine, Mr. Collans,
Addressed to me in what I presume is your own handwriting.
But it was his idea for me to write it.
Oh?
Thanks, partner.
Oh, always prepare for a rainy day
And all that sort of thing.
Well, I suggest you read it, Jane.
Read it? Aloud?
At the top of your voice, if you don't mind.
I refuse to stay in this room and be insulted.
Oh, please don't leave us, Mr. Collans, I beg you.
Nigel is much too modest to tell you
That he was the best shot in the coldstream guards.
Well, you all seem to be in this in one way or another,
So if you have to listen,
Why not make yourselves comfortable?
Oh! That's the most sensible thing I've heard tonight.
Yes. Please start.
Well, here we go, then.
"My dear Lady Loverly
I protest.
Oh, you're interrupting, Mr. Collans.
"My dear Lady Loverly,
"I am of two minds as I write this.
"First, I have conceived a devotion to you
"Which I hope may blossom into something
Of a more enduring nature".
Well, I'm sure that's no longer true, Mr. Collans,
But thank you, just the same.
Ha! You never had a chance.
You're much too anemic.
I'd like to get one night's sleep
Without you hearing things.
I don't care what you say. I distinctly heard bells.
My wife is always hearing bells.
She heard bells, all right.
Is there anything wrong?
Anything wrong?
Lady Loverly only stole Mrs. Wortin's necklace, that's all.
Oh, no.
And now...
She's about to read a letter from Mr. Collans
That tells just everything about everybody.
Say, this sounds like pretty spicy stuff.
Oh, it is, Mr. Caighn,
And some of it's about you.
It seems that Mr. Collans is quite broad-Minded
About the way you squandered your own fortune,
But he takes a dim view of your courting other women
On your wife's money.
Your wife's money?
That's what it says here, Mrs. Pemberson.
Oh, well-
Of course it's no concern of mine.
Well, there's a bit on page 4 that might be.
It tells why your husband divorced you.
It's a lie! It's a lie!
Oh, very well.
Then I shan't read it.
Uh, Jane,
Though I say it myself,
This letter has a nice round literary style.
Do please start at the beginning.
The first part is devoted to some rather personal comments about Mr. Dinas.
Nigel, I don't want to read this now.
Oh, it's just that according to Mr. Collans here,
You've been involved with half the married women in San Francisco.
Oh, do not be upset, Mr. Collans.
I've made no plans to go to Boston.
I - Ohh.
Then there's a rather long passage
About our hostess.
Really, Julia, I prefer to skip this part.
Not me.
My ears are flapping.
Go ahead.
Well, there's a great deal about how you made your money.
Mr. Collans, of course, doesn't approve.
He uses the word "theft".
B... but on the contrary. I...
You may not like the way I made it, Mr. Collans,
But I've got it.
Isn't this libelous?
Better than that.
What else does it say?
Oh, plenty.
He mentions that you began your career on the, uh-
The Barbary Coast?
It wasn't the Barbary Coast.
It was a lot farther uptown.
Then there are further comments about all of you
That I'd rather not read in public.
Anyhow, I assume you all know the worst about yourselves.
Towards the end, Mr. Collans-
Oh, it gets back to me.
He continues to be my "humble and devoted servant"
And hopes that one day, there may be a chance-
Et cetera...
oh...
et cetera, et cetera.
I've had a lot of proposals in my time,
But none so heavily documented.
I could not believe you
Capable of this, Lady Loverly.
Oh, not Lady Loverly, Mr. Collans.
Hoskins. Jane Hoskins.
Hoskins?
Is he your husband?
Oh. Oh, no.
The name is Duxbury.
The honorable Nigel.
Honorable, indeed.
I think this is the most disgraceful thing
I ever heard of in my life.
What are we going to do with these people?
I'd put it the other way, Mr. Caighn.
What are we going to do with you?
Well, I think it would be best for all concerned
If we forgot this sorry episode.
I'll give you $1,000 for the letter.
More bribery, Mr. Collans?
I'll give you two.
Why do you want it?
I want to blackmail you.
I'll give you 3,000.
I'll give you 4.
Don't sell it to her. I'll give you 5.
With whose money?
I'll give you 6.
10!
15.
Jane, I must apologize for bringing you
To this household.
If I knew what kind of people they were,
I'd never dreamt of doing such a thing.
Oh, don't blame yourself. How could you know?
I've offered you $15,000 for that letter.
Do I get it?
Well...
It's a lot of money, Mr. Collans,
But the auction isn't over yet.
I haven't heard a bid from Mr. Dinas.
Uh, Mr. Dinas
Cannot afford blackmail...
but this afternoon,
I made my only and final offer-
Everything I possess or ever will.
That offer still stands.
Nigel, did you feel that cool, clean breeze
That just came into this room?
I felt a rather sharp draft.
I know how hard you've worked,
But may I?
It's your property, Jane.
Juan, you take it.
Use it any way you wish.
It, uh-
It might be a way of keeping your house
And all those nice pigs.
Oh, he can keep his house
And his nice little pigs.
I'm not mad at Juan.
Matter of fact, I'm not mad at anybody.
Ha! I haven't had as much fun
Since the fleet came back from manila.
I'll keep the letter, Jane,
But only for your protection.
You mean to say
You're gonna condone these criminals?
Listen, little nemo.
The only difference between you and them
Is that they got caught.
Well, I, for one, will leave this house
The first thing in the morning.
I should think you would.
I can't wait to get out of this house.
I can understand that.
Oh, there's no need for you to spoil your weekend
On my account
Because I shall be leaving first thing in the morning myself,
With your permission, Julia.
Oh, you don't have to leave, Jane.
You can stay as long as you like.
After all,
I've got the necklace.
Oh, Nigel, what do you say
When the Lady you tried to rob insists on being so nice?
"I'm sorry" does seem a bit inadequate,
Yet I am sorry,
Sorry for so many things.
Julia, I think it's best that I do leave,
So if you'll excuse me, I'll go and pack now.
Hey!
Which one of the boys you going with?
Neither.
I'm going alone.
You ought to be run out of town on a rail.
I wish you'd consider-
Oh, go on and get out of here,
The whole kit and caboodle of you,
Or I'll start writing letters.
Really, I've never-
I tell you, I was minding my business when i...
your artillery, madam.
Thank you, Hoskins.
Oh!
She is crying,
And it's your fault.
You have brought her to this.
I have?
Yes, you.
Such a nice person living that sort of life.
It is clear that you've taken advantage of her.
That's ridiculous.
She's crying because you were kind to her.
Only a cad would be kind to her at a moment like that.
Well?
Well, we may as well...
go and get some sleep, hmm?
Uh-Huh. Yeah.
That is an excellent idea.
Good night.
Uh, if I appear not to trust you,
It's only because I don't.
Oh.
And I have no intention
Of going away and leaving you here
At the lady's doorstep.
Oh, you haven't?
No, no.
I was afraid of that.
Oh, you were? Yeah.
Mm... Hmm.
Well, while we're waiting,
Watching each other,
Why don't we drink some of Mrs. Wortin's brandy?
Well, I have no objection to that.
Good morning.
I came to say good-Bye.
Well, that's more than the others did.
They grabbed all my carriages and disappeared
Like beer at a policemen's picnic.
I'm going to do just the same thing.
Well, what's your hurry?
Sit down. Split a kidney with me.
Well, thanks, no.
I really would like to leave
Before I see either Nigel or Juan.
I think you're just a little bit too late.
Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning.
Well, will you tell the ladies of our decision, Juan?
Well, perhaps you should, Nigel.
You have a better command of english.
No. You have a charming accent.
You two are very matey.
Yes, yes.
As Nigel says, there is no reason why gentlemen should quarrel.
Oh, is that what you wanted to tell us?
Uh, no. That was parenthetical.
Ahem.
Jane...
we have talked the whole matter out, Nigel and I,
and it is clear to both of us
That you must give up your unfortunate association with him
And marry me.
While we fear there may be a certain awkwardness with my grandmother,
Nigel and I feel it can be worked out.
And what else do Nigel and you feel?
We feel I can make you happy.
In all fairness, I must tell you
That we didn't come to this decision
Because of any lack of affection on Nigel's part.
On the contrary.
It is because of his deep concern for your future
That he has agreed.
He seems to be very, very unselfish, Jane,
And you should be very proud that he loves you.
Loves me?
Do you love me, Nigel?
Actually, I adore you, yes.
I see no indication of it.
Oh, I'm a man of tremendous self-Control.
I must admit, there have been certain times
When I've almost let go.
Oh, really? Which times?
Well, there's no good poking about in the past.
No. You'll be happy, you two,
And may I be the first to give you a wedding present?
Jane,
These aren't pastes.
I lied to you deliberately
To prey upon your sympathy,
To make you behave exactly as you did.
You blackguard.
It's all shining crystal clear.
All this time, you had some filthy, cunning little scheme
Up your sleeve,
And I'm to have no part of it.
No part of it, eh?
Well, at the risk of being accused of understatement,
I'll tell you that you're an unmitigated,
Double-Dealing, mealy-Mouthed,
Underhanded scoundrel,
And I should have known it from the first.
You got bad blood in you.
It's in the family. You're weak.
You're all weak!
You should see his twin brother lord Minden-
A mean, arrogant, frozen fish-
And you look exactly alike,
Exactly alike, ladies and gentlemen, exactly.
You sound like a screaming, caterwauling cat from a stable, and why not?
That's where you spend most of your life.
That does it.
That really does it.
How could I ever have been such a fool
As to be in love with you?
In love with me?
Well, of course, I was,
But you were too stupid to see it.
Well, now I loathe you.
Do you understand that?
I absolutely loathe you.
I've never loathed anyone in my life as much.
Juan, I'm ready to go with you now.
But I'm not ready to take you, Jane.
But I want to go with you.
No, you don't.
You want him.
Oh, no. I...
I hate him.
Jane,
If ever I find a woman who can hate me so passionately,
Then I will know it is love.
Good-Bye.
Good luck to you.
Adios, amigos,
And may god go with you.
You beast. See what you've done?
I wonder,
Could you possibly arrange for a carriage now?
I find myself suddenly in rather a hurry.
Well, I'll see what I can do.
Thank you.
Here.
Where are you going, and what are you going to do?
That's no possible concern of yours.
On the contrary. It's my only concern.
Look, Jane. Sell these earrings
And go to your cousin in Brooklyn.
I don't want any advice from you.
Yes, you do.
You're just a babe in arms.
Most men have no principle whatsoever
Where women are concerned.
Look.
May I stay with you,
Just till I'm sure you're safe?
You had some sort of a plan, hadn't you?
Yes, I had.
I happen to have fallen in love,
And I plan to be worthy of her, if I can.
Look.
In this little book, I have the names of all our clients.
I plan to pay them all back every penny,
Even though it means going to work.
Oh, that sounds like a lovely plan, Nigel.
Why don't you let me help? Be faster that way.
You know, we're pretty good together.
Oh, don't say things like that to me.
It makes me feel very odd.
Your carriage is-
Mrs. Wortin?
Good morning, sheriff.
Morning, Mrs. Wortin.
Well, sheriff,
What are you doing here?
Looking for a man named Duxbury
And a young woman, name of Hoskins.
Now, everything's all right.
I got my necklace back,
And I'm not gonna make any charges,
So just forget the whole thing.
Don't know nothing about a necklace.
Come here, buster.
This is inspector McGraw of Scotland Yard.
How do you do?
Good morning, miss Hoskins.
Oh, good morning.
Oh, it's-
Oh, it's inspector, uh-
Good morning, milord.
No, I'm not your lord.
I told you before, remember?
I'm just a plain "honorable".
My information's a bit later than yours, milord.
Your brother passed away recently, he did,
And now you're baron Minden.
Henry, dead? How?
He was hunting grouse.
Killed by a grouse?
No, madam.
It seems that one member of the party was a very poor shot.
Oh.
What a rum go for poor old Henry.
"Rum go"?
Is that all you can say when your only brother passes away?
Well, I can say more.
I never got on with him, naturally,
But I was sorry for him.
He was all dried up inside.
I always hoped he'd cut loose and have some fun
Before he called it a day.
Well, so you came all the distance
To bring us this news, inspector.
Well, not exactly.
The reason I did come was-
So you're a lord.
Oh, please get up.
Now you and Jane have got to stay awhile,
And I'll give a whale of a party for you.
Well, I'm afraid his lordship can't stay any longer, madam.
You see, I'm here on the king's business.
The king's business?
This is United States of America.
No king's got any business here,
Eh, sheriff?
Well, ma'am, it so happens
He has an extradition order.
I am very sorry,
But I must place you both under arrest.
Arrest?
I'm consumed with curiosity.
Who makes the charges, inspector?
Sir roland epping.
He alleges that on the night of may 11 in the hotel cecil,
You mocked him out of a hundred pounds
For a bogus charity called the nile fund.
Ohh...
the nile fund.
Oh, the nile fund.
Little faces now losing their shine...
are ours.
Well, I suppose we have to go.
He's got the papers.
You chaps are really bloodhounds, aren't you?
We try to do our jobs,
And now that we've met again,
I don't like to rush you,
But I would like to be getting home to the missis.
She was expecting me for tea
14 months ago.
Oh, we mustn't keep the inspector another moment.
No, certainly not. No.
Well, it's good-Bye, dear Julia.
You have been generous to us.
I'll miss you, Jane.
Good-Bye, Julia.
You must come and see us in-
How long do you think, inspector?
With good behavior,
Not very long, milord.
When you get to london,
We'll give you a whale of a party.
Jane,
Do you mind?
Of course not.
Good-Bye.
Nigel.
Do you mind?
No, of course not.
Julia, I know it doesn't make up for our dreadful behavior,
But I would like you to have those.
Oh, thank you, Jane.
Hey!
Weren't these a gift from your husband?
I hope so.