冰刀雙人組
就選他
這就是吉米·麥克羅伊 他的旋轉完美到讓人暈眩
他得到觀眾的愛 他用精彩表演回報觀眾
注意他出招啦
他穩穩地落地了
這是他表現最好的一次
注意他的手
你們應該知道那是什麼
沒錯，是飛馳的孔雀 他讓孔雀在空中舞動著
就跟教科書一樣完美
在花樣滑冰運動史上
能如此優美動作的女選手也沒幾個
吉米，加油啊，一定要成功
結束動作展示了他的靈活柔韌
多麼精彩的表現
他到達了職業生涯中的一個頂峰
畢生難忘的表演，吉米·麥克羅伊
他的動作非常優雅、精確得就像儀器
沒錯，他就是如此
值得一提的是 他的衣服裡一直藏著一隻鴿子
斯科特 吉米的個人衛生可是出了名的好
不過這次表演之後
他渾身都充滿了錢的味道
在裁判給吉米打分的這段時間
讓我們來好好瞭解一下這位非凡的年輕人
他是一個神童
一流的滑冰選手，姿勢優雅，動作精準
和堅強的忍耐力
四歲時，他在孤兒院被號稱冠軍製造者的…
億萬富翁達倫·麥克羅伊發掘出來
他曾經培養出世界上最成功的賽馬
而後，達倫把注意力轉向了
培養有運動潛能的孤兒上
最終，他發現了滑冰神童吉米
我覺得我的童年過得極其普通
達倫對他使用了最好的訓練方法
雖然這種方法遭到一些質疑
但還是被訓練成頂級滑冰選手
不久，吉米就橫掃冰場，囊括多枚金牌
同時，他的吉米式卷髮也風靡全美
各年齡的孩子都以他為偶像，競相模仿
他是冠軍，更是偶像
吉米·麥克羅伊，超炫的天才孤兒
-教練，滑得怎麼樣？ -吉米，棒極了
太精采了 每個動作都如同我的示範
我太為你驕傲了
謝謝，老爸，你覺得怎麼樣？
我們不是決定三周跳後 要做更華麗的？
我之前一次跳得很好 我想可以有一點感…
感覺？我們現在談感覺？ 你怎麼教他的？
吉米
我寄給你一杯我的血！ 你收到沒？吉米！
好了，別再煽動他們，走吧
走開！
它們看起來是很可愛很天真
但卻是細菌的溫床
-記得給你看的那些滑步嗎？ -但是它們真的很漂亮
你身上充滿冠軍的氣味，你聞著就像…
-女士們，先生們… -吉米
-我會給你電話的 -評委的打分為
5.9，5.9，6.0
5.9，6.0，5.8
好吧，還不錯，還不錯 只要那個5.8分不扯後腿
手伸過來
來點彩虹糖
嘿，麥克羅伊 那是你的表演嗎？
還是太陽馬戲團？
還有，你真的來晚了點
今早女子比賽的獎牌就發完了
麥克，你給我閉嘴
我的動作象教科書一樣精確 在奧斯陸，我就用這個贏了你
那時我吃了安眠藥 我不記得什麼奧斯陸
但是我記得波士頓
那場比賽的勝利，甜得就好像
那個地方的特產冰淇淋派一樣的
靠邊站，小鬼 城裡來了新的警長
查茲
他來了，滑冰怪才查茲·麥克·麥克斯
這個牛仔向觀眾們揮舞著 他的鞭子，觀眾都愛死他了
這動作你有什麼話說嗎？
他充分使用了他可以 使用的一切，動作，音樂
他的三周半跳真是太穩了！
像是在巨大海嘯上衝浪一樣
他在冰上總是那麼性感
女士們，麥克斯可不只想要奪冠
他想和觀眾親密接觸
前排座位那麼值錢就是因為這個
她們就想要得到這些
麥克剛滑向麥克羅伊 向他傳遞了一個公開的訊息
兄弟，你被挑釁了
歡迎到斯德哥爾摩
夢幻！瞬間成就經典
當你認為自己什麼場面都見過…
查茲·麥克·麥克斯出現了 給我們帶來限制級的表演
居劣勢卻不會被打敗 滑冰界秘密情人…
查茲·麥克·麥克斯出現 打出了一片天空
就像歐洲情色片明星
趁著他的分數還未打好
我們來瞭解一下這位穿皮衣的冰場浪子
查茲·麥克·麥克斯 席捲冰場的性感龍捲風
誕生於汽車城底特律的地獄火中
問題小孩？
如果９歲小男孩 交上３５歲女友是問題
１２歲時，卻斯為了不想 一輩子走私香菸和非法煙火…
成了底特律的一名下水道滑冰明星
唯一獲得四個全美冠軍 和一個成人電影的獎項的選手
但這個粗獷的男人 也同樣有著柔情的一面
他最近還出版了一本詩集 叫做，把我的詩句放進你身體
每逢大賽，我都喜歡穿著皮裝
美國原住民一向說
穿著獸皮和皮毛 就能釋放出你的靈魂
這裡有幾個尿布 是我為菲斯·希爾所做的
兩個男人，但冠軍只有一個
是否會是查茲·麥克·麥克斯？
我的人生哲學是 想穿什麼就穿什麼
我希望你帶了銀牌拋光劑來 因為那是金牌演出
真噁心
年輕人，那個演出 火辣到可以搞出小寶寶
-你給我滾遠點 -我偏不
麥克·麥克斯先生
請帶著您的教練，親人和朋友
坐到長凳上去等待您的分數
嘿，大哥，別廢話了 我沒教練，因為我不需要
至於朋友和家人 查茲麥可麥可斯就一個人
所以他們叫我孤獨的狼 就在背後
5.9，5.9，6.0…
理所當然的分數
5.9，6.0…
又是一個6.0
…5.8
斯德哥爾摩，你覺得還爽吧？
因為我覺得很爽，來抽根煙怎樣？
麥克羅伊，認輸吧
我們的分數是一樣的 我說愛因斯坦，我們打平了
-女士們先生們，最終結果是平局 -你不錯啊
來自美國的 吉米·麥克羅伊
和查茲·麥克·麥克斯
你被解雇了
你說什麼？我為你弄了塊金牌啊
不是一塊，是半塊
如果我要他跟別人分 我幫他買個弟弟就好了
男子單人比賽，兩個男人都戴上了金牌
他們成為了另一對分享同一塊 金牌的美國隊員
斯特蘭和費爾查·范·旺登伯格的雙人組合
斯特蘭和費爾查
一對親密的美國兄妹
雙人滑的金牌
他們的父母就是著名的 瑞士滑雪金牌得主
奧圖和艾拉·范·旺登伯格的孩子
雙胞胎，斯特蘭和費爾查 打從娘肚子裡出來，就開始滑冰了
而他們的妹妹凱蒂 只能在場外為他們加油
他們的美好生活只過到了1987年3月14日
那一天，他們的父母不幸在一場 車禍中離開了人世
凱蒂在車禍中倖存下來
全世界都想知道，斯特蘭和費爾查 是否還能做到後仰旋轉？
或許他們永遠無法重新站起來了
但是，這對兄妹在葬禮後不久
他們就立刻重返溜冰場繼續訓練
因此，今晚觀眾們都在為他們所熱愛的 范·旺登伯格兄妹歡呼
請問斯特蘭和費爾查
脖子上掛著的金牌不沉嗎？
斯科特，這金牌可能是純金的 但是對我們來說它比空氣還要輕
因為夢想永遠不會讓你被壓垮
沒錯，夢想就在你的睡夢之中
你們對於麥克斯和麥克羅伊
那不可思議的兩塊金牌有什麼看法？
挺好，那非常棒
那麼，說到金牌
現在，我們就來看看
男子單人滑的頒獎現場
這一定是麥克斯和麥克羅伊 最感到驕傲的時刻
想想，唯一比獲得金牌還要開心的事
那就是和你的同胞一起分享金牌
天哪，我快要吐了
你聞起來就像刮鬍水 和墨西哥玉米卷
是又怎麼樣，那你快走開啊
別碰我，沒人可以碰我
-老兄，那你走開點 -我就不
-你走開點 -你走開點
現在冠軍台上兩人在推擠
噢，查茲·麥克·麥克斯掉下來了
麥克羅伊居然還在跟觀眾揮手致意
噢看吶，麥克羅伊也摔下去了
在我這麼多年的職業生涯中
還從未在世界級領獎台上 看到如此「精彩」的情況
我無話可說了 吉姆，我真的啞囗無言了
你最好讓那該死的鳥離我遠點 否則我就擰斷它的脖子
一記完美的頭擊 噢，麥克羅伊倒下了
吉祥物著火了！
噢我的上帝！
在我們準備聽證詞之前 麥克和麥克羅伊
將有一次機會 為自己在斯德哥爾摩的所作所為做辯護…
吉米，我們愛你
嘿，南希·科瑞
你是這兒的官員？
因為妳真的讓我堅挺無比
我嗜性成癮，正忍受著痛苦
這真是種疾病，需要醫生、藥物
我們開始吧
在委員會作出裁決之前
如果你們想做出陳述
那麼現在請開始吧
粉絲們，朋友們，尊敬的委員們
我不知道我還能說些什麼
但是我懇求大家能原諒我
另外，我還懇求小朋友們也能原諒我
噢，上帝啊
-讓他們的小手來決定我的未來 -真是個白癡
願上帝保佑你們，保佑每個人，謝謝
吉米，願上帝保佑你，保佑你的心
格言雜誌
最新的一期
查茲·麥克·麥克斯就等於花樣滑冰
酷
好的，明白了
根據國際滑冰聯合會的規定
吉米·麥克羅伊和查茲·麥克·麥克斯
獲得的金牌將被取消…
什麼？
並終身禁止參加男子單人花樣滑冰賽
臭老頭，你聽我說
倒霉透了
看我前妻被你害成這樣了
我要爆你的頭
終身禁賽，這時間可夠長的
吉米，一切都會結束的
是時候重新開始了
-是的，確實應該重新開始了 -太好了，吉米
-我要和你解除收養關係 -什麼？
我想解除收養這個詞還不太準確
從法律上來說，我要和你一刀兩斷
不過反正都一樣，所以…
但我做了你26年的兒子啊
22年，沒人會指責我沒努力過 我們已經做得很好了
現在我不想再拖下去了，分開對我們都好
吉米，如果你現在離開，我會好過些
等等
就像膠帶，撕掉就好 我們都會好過點
科羅拉多爭取4金 三年半後
嗨，各位，快來買第二場表演的票啊
現在開始賣第二場的票啦
啦啦啦，啦啦啦，我們唱著精靈的歌
我們最愛徜徉在一片綠樹，美麗的風景 和歌曲環繞的森林之家
啦啦啦，啦啦啦，一直唱著精靈之歌
噢上帝
我恨你
我恨我過的這日子
哦不，邪惡巫師來啦
Boo！噓
我是說，我以前為評委滑冰，明白嗎？
其實，我根本不需要那樣
對我來說，看到兒童們的眼睛
更讓我覺得滿足，他們好奇地看著你戴著…
個巫師頭在那滑著冰，知道嗎？
好，好極了
森美，別誤會，事情不是你想的那樣
森…森美，寶貝，別這樣
你當初認識我時，就知道的
不，我認識你的時候 你是一個偉大的花樣滑冰選手
現在呢，你沉迷於跟森林仙女們鬼混
我甚至都不認識現在的你了
森美，你太不與時俱進了
拜託，我和那些森林仙女們
此時此刻才是我們的生活
我們感到自由極了，一起玩吧，來
寶貝，來啊，寶貝
麥克斯，該你上場了，把衣服穿好 噴霧器都準備好了
第二場表演幾乎客滿
-你喝多了？ -沒
但我應該多喝點
我真想解雇你
要不是你在滑冰場上表演得那麼好的話
-你聞起來一身尿味 -很難聞？
把頭套戴上
穿著不對勁
那是因為我還沒把它們穿好
這樣，你把繫鞋帶分成三個步驟
第一，先勒緊
太緊了啊
爸爸，他快把我勒死了
綁好要花點時間，但值得
喂，你幹什麼吶？她說太緊了
但是她錯了
你信任誰,一個小丫頭 還是吉米·麥克羅伊？
-誰是該死的吉米·麥克羅伊？ -先生，有什麼問題嗎？
這個傢伙正在折磨我女兒的腳
真是太抱歉了，先生
吉米，先把這溜冰鞋脫下來 去整理下倉庫，就現在，去吧
吉米，你好
海克特？
你來這幹嘛？
你知道的，我對你申請了 禁止令，你不能靠近我
哈哈，那個東西啊？
吉米，你看起來好極了 你看起來真美，你的頭髮太酷了
謝謝
你看起來那麼帥，噢天哪
你看過你自己嗎？
我真想把你的皮全都割下來 穿上它過生日，我的生日就快到了
聽著，見到你很高興 海克特，但我現在真的非常忙
好吧…對不起，我長話短說
-吉米，你必須重新開始滑冰 -你說啥？
追著一個過氣明星有點丟臉 你知道我的意思吧？
聽著，我都差點放棄你了
我本來盯上了一個烏克蘭滑冰選手
就是那個長得像貓王的，你知道他嗎？
然後我搬到了烏克蘭
那裡太冷了，人人都帶著槍 到處都是湯的味道
海克特，我對你表示同情，真的 但是我真的無能為力
我被終身禁賽了
別那麼肯定
第14節，第G條
「終生禁賽無法撤銷…
「滑冰選手永遠不能參加…
「聯盟批准該選手 所屬的比賽項目」
聽到沒，你只是被禁止參加男子單人項目
可是你還可以參加雙人滑比賽啊
雙人滑
那怎麼可能？
我請過那麼多律師，上訴了那麼多次
因為沒人像我一樣對你契而不捨
祝你好運，吉米
對啦，我總有一天要殺了你的
不要啊，邪惡巫師來啦
嗨，森林小妖們
你們這群狗娘養的都是飯桶 你們聽見了沒有？
喂，查茲，別這樣
我是蓋瑞，你幹嘛呢你？
嗨，大家好啊 這是親愛的蓋瑞，一隻小松鼠
大家聽著，蓋瑞是我的老朋友
我們在一起滑冰滑了2年半了
我記得，有一次我們出去玩 在圖科森巴士站的時候
蓋瑞說：「我有第三個睪丸」
糟啦，同志們，我吐了
那就是現實，傳說的另一個層面
我就是個傻蛋 事實上，我們都是，噢
女士們先生們，冰上小精靈演出取消 演出時間另行通知
恕不退票了
來吧，扔吧，砸的更猛烈些吧
有法律漏洞，我不能參加 男子單人賽，但可參加雙人賽
我又可以參加冬季運動會的比賽了
我就知道，我就知道三年來 你一直都沒有接受這事
我的意思是，吉米，我都能夠向前看 你也應該向前看
但我是個滑冰運動員 否則我無路可走了
除了抓住這次機會再獲金牌
你知道找個搭檔有多難嗎？
即使你有了比賽的資格
就只剩一個月了啊
我是說，兩天內就要報名
應該沒那麼難吧，我是說…
吉米，別管什麼花樣滑冰了 它就像個殘忍的老鴇
用巧克力和玫瑰花誘惑你
然後像踹一隻死浣熊一樣 把你一腳踹到路邊上去
別想這事了，我得走了
很高興見到你
等等，教練
冰上小精靈試鏡 女子滑冰選手
滑冰選手試鏡
吉米·麥克羅伊
又一個大明星來我們這了
歡迎光臨寒舍
如果你是來感謝我 開除查茲的話，那我感到很榮幸
查茲在這幹過？
沒對，很不幸，不過… 你來試鏡真是太棒了
當然啦，不用問 我肯定會考慮給你弄個職位的
我不是來找工作的
其實我正在尋找一個女滑冰選手 和我一起搭檔參加全國比賽
-你想來我這挖牆腳？ -不是的
你要破壞我的大家庭？
在我把你扔出去之前，你還是趕緊滾吧
嘿，你去哪？
麥克斯
麥克羅伊
我看你變肥了不少啊
你看起來還像１５歲小女孩 只是一點都不辣
你毀掉了我的夢想
夢想？狗屁，這麼多年來 我就沒有過那東西
閉嘴，查茲，你給我閉嘴 否則我一拳打扁你那張醜臉
今晚我們就做個了斷
現在是白天，你腦子進水了
-現在就開始 -你這頭肥豬
今天，一件出乎 滑冰愛好者意料的事
發生在一場兒童冰上演出的時候 兩位昔日的滑冰冠軍
居然大打出手中斷了這場演出
他們就是吉米·麥克羅伊 和查茲·麥克·麥克斯
曾經稱霸滑冰賽場
離開賽場3年之後的今天 他們再度狹路相逢
粉絲們都記得麥克斯和麥克羅伊 獲得金牌之後
因為發生了一場詭異的事件
而被終身禁賽
我曾經和麥克斯有過一面之緣
怎麼說呢，他是一個複雜的男人
我沉迷於性慾，我對女人著魔
兩個男人一起滑冰？ 太扯了，會成為大笑柄
-我不覺得有什麼可笑的 -你要是和我一樣醉，你就會覺得了
-教練，我說過想要找個滑冰搭檔 -但是兩個男人行嗎？
就算我們願意，人家也不可能答應啊
可是規則手冊上沒有說不可以啊
這不是我的風格 查茲·麥克·麥克斯一貫獨來獨往
明白沒？也就是說 不需要教練，不需要搭檔
特別是不需要一個男人
尤其是不需要嬌裡嬌氣的超級闊少
你能閉嘴嗎？簡直是不知所云
我比你想的懂得多了
見鬼，我知道的比你知道的還要多
不，你不知道，你比不上我完美無瑕
所以我02年和99年春季戰勝你
技術沒辦法給你18塊獎牌
和克利斯提·山口的終身成就獎
-我就是花樣滑冰的化身 -別吵了
3年來，我一直想要擺脫 你倆給我帶來的噩夢
我不確定我是否忘記了它
現在，也許在你們胡說八道的背後 我們還是能發現一些美好的東西
我不知道，教練
我真的很想獲得那塊金牌，但是…
但是什麼？ 你找到想要的搭檔了嗎，孩子
有什麼好笑的，酷牛仔？
你很滿意 跟那些開價１５塊的妓女搞？
我永遠不會滿足，這是個詛咒
12小時後，全國決賽的報名就要結束了
現在，我問你們倆一個問題
你們想不想創造歷史？
不行，它不能忍受我的臭汗
我可以忍受一整天，你試試
-也許我會 -也許你應該試試
你在向我發出挑戰，我的公主？
我可不是在邀請你參加 溜冰聖誕派對
-那你就提出來好了 -已經說了
好極了，我們就這麼說定了
-什麼？ -什麼？
歡迎回到滑冰賽場，先生們
我明天早上來接你們
廢人
我們來了，表演時間!
斯特蘭，費爾查，你們好 我是ESPN2台的梅麗莎·凱麗
那麼我想問的是 你們對這次比賽有什麼想法？
再拿一塊金牌對你們的意義是什麼？
沒有獲得美國人民的心來的重要
那對我們很重要
我們已經有三年半沒有看到你們
這段時間你們在做些什麼呢？
滑冰
很顯然，你們將致力於把這場表演
獻給全世界的孩子們
抱歉
-查茲，把這填好 -不
給我填
吉米，我馬上幫你拿你的
那個女孩是誰？
你是問凱蒂·范·旺登伯格？
她是斯特蘭和費爾查的妹妹？
斯特蘭和費爾查的的跑腿
很困腦對不對？
- 你剛說「很困腦」？ - 對，很困腦
意思是 事情變得很瘋狂
會讓你的思維塞住 好像被裝在一個瓶子裡
好了，孩子們，我們開始幹活了 等下要大聲，自豪點
你們倆在這幹嘛？
應該知道我是不會讓你們報名的 他們已經被禁賽了
我不是來這為麥克斯或麥克羅伊報名的
我是為他倆搭檔報名 參加雙人滑比賽
麥克斯和麥克羅伊雙人組報名
謝謝
現在你們的頭版頭條來了
吉米，你能向你的粉絲們揮手打招呼嗎？
吉米和查茲在一起了，不再打架了對嗎？
兩個男人搭檔參加我們這個項目，真是的
斯特蘭，這是為什麼？
為什麼上帝唯獨要讓我們
承受世上最痛苦的事？
我不知道，妹妹 這倆傢伙不過是怪胎
沒錯，媒體就喜歡怪胎
讓我熱血沸騰
我們熱愛這項運動 他們要毀掉它的尊嚴
你知道，我並不是一個暴力的人
但是我要將他們放倒 然後用冰刀滑過他們的喉嚨
嘿，如果你們能專注於滑冰上
人們將會忘記所有的炒作
然後把目光更多的投向運動本身
和誠實競爭的精神
你們倆不是又想耍手段了吧，是不是？
-這是個好主意 -恩這還差不多
凱蒂，拜託你拿著這個攝像機
我不知道怎麼用它，謝謝
不，我不會再為你們做間諜了
我們只是想讓你詳細地 錄下他們的練習情況
找別人幹吧
-老媽，你說什麼？ -別這樣
那時候你們為了送凱蒂去上滑冰課
才發生車禍死的 你們對此覺得很傷心？
是啊，我也很傷心
還記得他們是怎麼活著的嗎？
爸爸？
我聽不清你說什麼了，爸爸 你在…你在哭嗎？
一直在哭？在天堂？你還沒投胎嗎？
-好吧，我做 -這就對了
現在，你是在為范·旺登伯格家族效力
那麼這段時間你們就住在這
你們要作為雙人滑冰 也要一起生活
如果你們不想惹麻煩的話
就在踩上Berber之前把鞋子脫了
哪兒有嬰兒食品給我們踩啊？
-他說的是地毯，Berber懂嗎？ -你是啥玩意兒？地毯醫生？
-說不定就是呢 -那我就是地毯老大
-那有什麼意義啊？ -閉嘴，把你們的鞋子給我脫了
-上下鋪？ -我不要跟人同房
-我也不要跟賤人一起住 -看來晚上對我將是非常黑暗的時光
白癡，對誰來說晚上都是黑暗的
除了愛斯基摩人或戴著夜視鏡的傢伙
好了，別再吵了
從現在起，你們是個團隊，明白嗎？
你們要一起吃飯，一起睡覺
一起上廁所
還有共同的所得稅
現在開始練習，討論結束
我剛把他們放好
我也需要洗手檯的空間
-鬃毛尾巴，這是馬用的洗髮水？ -沒錯
-你用這個洗你的頭髮？ -沒錯
為了有一身光澤的皮毛，這有用嗎？
用你的屁股打賭 確實管用
它讓我在滑冰時， 頭髮閃亮得像獵戶座一樣
然後呢我用這個 梳頭髮一百次
好酷的刷子啊
它不僅是個刷子，還是個藝術品
義大利手工製造 是非法鯨魚骨做的
一年只製作11把
這一把花了我1萬2千美金 相當於3千萬意大利里拉
完美的平衡，不拖沓，最小的力矩
多小？
我打賭你很想知道
鬃毛尾巴洗髮精可以隨你用…
不過別打我這個藝術品的主意
否則我會揍扁你
說到做到
我愛這把梳子勝過一個小孩
我要上鋪了
- 我心裡先訂了 - 你不能那樣，那樣不算
算，吉米，你得慢慢習慣
因為你在了查茲的世界
你知道嗎，我永遠都只要散彈鎗？
你不會每次都拿到霰彈槍
這是什麼地方？聞起來都是魚的味道
太棒了
這裡的冰還沒有磨平呢
- 暖身室呢？ - 這裡沒有
我們只有這一個冷藏倉儲
我的一個兄弟讓我用水澆這裡的冰
教練，算你厲害
結果看上去還不錯
跳舉，壓舉，轉體托舉
並排跳，拋跳
這些都是雙人滑的利器
正確運用，可以幫助打敗對手
運用不當會摔斷搭檔每根骨頭
好吧，先生們，華爾茲舞姿準備
知道嗎，兄弟，你的手應該在上面
沒門，女士的手才放上面呢
沒錯，你就是小妞
我才不是女孩，我比你強壯
錯了，我更強壯，我沒女人那玩意
你才沒我強壯，看看這個吧， 死肥仔
死肥仔？
沒什麼關係的，這是華爾茲的舞姿
一個人，你把你的…
看到沒？我的胸肌，二頭肌 三頭肌，就這麼練出來的
吉米，快點下來
等下你才要做這個動作，現在先過來
好吧
好吧，知道嗎，我也能做些酷動作
查茲，查茲
你以為你很酷，哈？ 我才不肥呢，我可以做這個
-查茲，把溜冰鞋穿回去 -太遲了，我已經脫掉了
-看，就像閃電一樣 -把你的溜冰鞋穿好
你在幹嘛？
-哦上帝，燃燒起來了 -是嗎？
吉米，把你的衣服穿好，吉米
-該死的 -好好看著我的冰上性感超級滑行
- 滑啊 - 我會
無所謂，因為你胸前平坦
你滑女生的動作
-什麼？ -我的漂亮女伴，麥克羅伊
-等等，這是為什麼啊？ -因為你像女人一樣唧唧歪歪
還有誰也舉不起你的肥屁股 現在起你要節食
- 什麼？ - 來吧！快！
因為我粗壯的大腿？
給我一個小餐包好嗎？
你還有五英哩 然後就可以吃堅果棒
拜託
那麼，教練，我一直在考慮 訓練用什麼音樂
-是嗎？ -我們滑冰的時候只能放那一首歌
只有那首黑眼豆豆唱的「美眉的雙峰」
你準備怎麼處理那些垃圾 我行李箱裡的那些垃圾
我要讓你沉醉，讓你醉 用我的胸部讓你醉
我的胸，我的胸，我可愛的胸部
我不要用任何和女人胸部 有關的音樂來滑冰
都不知道那是什麼意思？
鬼知道它是什麼意思 反正這歌很挑逗人
-不，俗的要命 -這歌讓人奮進
夠了，為啥你倆總是這樣？
你什麼都沒看到
-教練 -閉嘴
快給我扔塊雞肉
兩個男的
一起，真的要這麼做嗎？
是啊，當然，為什麼不？
我需要你幫忙，你怎麼說？
你看，我只是個編舞的，我懂什麼？
明天把他們帶來舞蹈室
-太好了 -我不是魔術師
我無法作出什麼保證
我只能說盡力而為
你們的問題在於太拘束 今天讓你們脫離這狀態
在我的舞室，什麼都有可能發生
可能會有人超越極限 然後創造新的靈魂
如果無法跟男的共舞 就不能跟男的滑冰
沒問題？來吧，我們開始
吉米
很好
跟我想的一樣
就是你，吉米，過來
好，分解動作，秀給我看你會什麼
好，那是個開頭，那就是開頭
你的臉很緊繃 如果緊繃著
只會更難過
只要…
倒回去，我要再看一遍他撞頭的鏡頭
不不，我說的算 不然離開舞蹈室
漂亮的蝴蝶變成祈禱者，非常美…
讓他們自己處理，他們自己處理
查茲，倒向吉米 很簡單的，看到沒？倒向…
-好極了 -一點都不好
你們做到了
對，看到沒？無暇的力量 你卻什麼也沒做
如果你在四分之一旋轉的時候 就放開我
我就不用靠著地 來拯救你的屁股了
那是即興表演 連你的肯尼吉都知道
至少他們漸漸熟練那些舞步
是的，但是他們可以在 5名裁判和3千萬觀眾面前表演嗎？
科羅拉多丹佛市
蒙特婁冬季運動會的前一站…
全國最好的溜冰選手 經過了幾年不懈的訓練
終於站在這舞台上 展現他們的訓練成果
但是這些故事 現在都將黯然失色
因為中間發生的突發事件
那就是吉米·麥克羅伊 和查茲·麥克·麥克斯組成的男子雙人組
由於溜冰委員會一直對此事不滿
早上當他們到達時 明顯感覺到他們的緊張情緒
這兩人把溜冰變成了怪人秀
難道還嫌花樣溜冰不夠同志嘛
給你看樣東西，你覺得這個正常嗎？
這裡沒有任何關於 兩男人組合溜冰的事情
那金髮小妞是男的？噢，拜託
讓我們大家來看看斯特蘭
和菲爾查的表演
鮮明地表現出城市街頭文化的形象
看看他們，他們真的玩的很開心
閃亮就是王者 這對組合，讓觀眾無比的激動
來吧，來啊
哇噢，一如既往的完美無瑕
這兩個藍眼睛的溜冰機器
將會把他們推向冠軍
這些心靈震撼的共嗚
似乎感染了整場
什麼
換你們倆上場
然後這時 群眾期待已久的一刻
他們表現將會如何呢？
完全不一樣的選手 原本是人盡皆知的死對頭
組成滑冰史上第一對男男組合
到底是麥克羅伊的古典式舞步
無法與麥克斯的即興創作配合
還是他們會一起創造出偉大的詩篇
以他們的形象改寫這項運動？
他們在嘲笑我們
阿姆斯壯要登陸月球時 他們也笑他
現在他在月球反過來嘲笑他們
他們將這表演命名為「冰與火」
作為敵手，作為個人，他們永遠都是如此
然而現在成了一對？
這歌太合適了
目前為止，都還很不錯
第一個動作難度很大，前外3周半的拋跳
第一拋
摔倒在地了
真是一個難以置信的糟糕開場
在比賽中我從來就沒摔過
起來，抓住我的手
我們做得到的
現在他們站起來了
來吧，不要再坐著了，站起來
走吧！
群眾給予他們回應和支持
第一次他們表現對彼此的支持
並排的雙周跳，太漂亮了
這對男男花樣溜冰組合
他們正在做其他人不敢嘗試的動作
超妙
那麼多花式動作，我以前真是聞所未聞
太棒了
難以置信的動作完美到令人驚歎
他們征服全場觀眾的心
太棒了
這套完美動作也許將歷史上
第一對男男組合送到蒙特利爾
掀開歷史新的一頁
耶
我們愛你，丹佛
海濱之城！約翰·丹佛！
-有必要用火？ -問他們好了
- 我說吧！ - 很好
同性戀？
你們真的很厲害
謝謝，我是吉米
我知道的，我叫凱蒂
我知道
你的扣子挺好看的
吉米，趕快，分數出來咯！
-祝好運 -你也是
看到沒？他們表演的很出色
對呀，也許是挺不錯的
但是沒有一個動作跟你錄的一樣
沒關係，不要讓他們影響我們
受他們影響？ 我們羞辱了馬基馬克
讓方基邦基失望
…5.9，5.9，5.8，6.0
-太好啦！太好啦！ -喔，我的天
我們可以去蒙特利爾啦，賤人
全場充滿了歡樂 這幾家歡樂幾家愁的地方
大家都在說你們 感覺如何？
我們很感謝這難得的機會
來參加溜冰大賽…
麥克和麥克羅伊是從地獄來 的運貨列車，知道嗎？
我們要向前衝 衝到比賽的最後，斯科特
我不要說，哇噢！但是，哇噢！
他們靠97%的腎上腺素和3%的大話
如果他們想拿金牌 最好做出讓人歎為觀止的東西
我知道你在想什麼
你還要犯多少次同樣的錯誤？
直到我做對為止，傑西，相信我
我不想餘生都活在恐懼的牢籠裡
早晨的陽光，真是美麗
不好意思，我在吃東西
我以為你想看看 溜冰選手的身體到底是如何
繼續，看吧，不要客氣
免費觀賞，摸的話就要花錢了
在看我的紋身？
有人叫我紋身人
每個刺青有不同的故事 就像是我生命裡不同的篇章
真的嗎？那…那個刺青有什麼故事？
那個代表龍女 你可能聽說過關穎珊
關穎珊，美國歷史上 最華麗的溜冰選手嗎？
-你為她紋的身？ -沒錯
完美使女人瘋狂
她說要放棄溜冰
和我共組家庭，生幾個小孩子
但我做不到，這不是我的生活方式
那麼，那個馬的刺青有什麼故事？
我的烏克蘭金髮女魔
奧克薩娜·巴尤爾？
16歲時，她拿了金牌，成為職業選手
被稱1994年巴巴拉·沃特斯獎 最迷人的選手之一
是呀，但不要被她騙了 她跟她腳下踩的冰一樣冷
她跟乾冰沒兩樣， 等一下，她比乾冰還冷
-什麼東西比乾冰冷？ -不知道
我告訴你，那就是奧克薩娜
那你肩膀上的…那是什麼？
這個？沒什麼
你呢？有過刺青嗎？
我曾經在藍莓節 把我的臉弄了個彩繪
蠻像你的
我也可以紋很猛的刺青
我愛上了我們的敵人 凱蒂
有眼光，兄弟
是嗎？禁忌的愛不錯吧？
或許吧？不知道 但我對後續有興趣
-等一下，你做什麼？ -打電話，應該說，你打給她
-我做不到，這太瘋狂了 -一點都不瘋
我應該說什麼？
-不，不要，我不行 -在響了，快接
-抱歉 -可能是耐吉
范·旺登伯格公司
說話啊，放輕鬆
你好，我是吉米·麥克羅伊 請問凱蒂在嗎？
是麥克羅伊，找她的
什麼，我嗎？怎麼會？
-我做不到 -我教你，繼續
斯特蘭？
你好
「嗨，是我麥猛男，妳好」
嗨，是我麥猛男，妳好
快說「哎喲，我剛洗完澡」
- 捧捧自己 - 安靜好嗎？
你知道嗎，我剛洗完澡
-她剛洗完澡 -太可愛了
-我應該待會兒再打，太失禮了 -不，你瘋了嗎？
-她會聽到你的聲音 -繼續回答，說「洗澡」？
「我也該洗個澡 因為我剛從健身房…
練了練我的腹肌"
我等等…對…也要去沖個澡
因為我才剛練完我的腹肌 從健身房回來
練腹肌很不簡單，非常累
練腹肌很不簡單
-非常累 -非常累
的確，但為了在大腿根部 產生一種美妙的灼熱，值得的
但為了在大腿根部 產生一種美妙的灼熱感，這都是值得的
你知道要如何消除討厭的灼熱感嗎？
倒一些新鮮的奶油在傷囗上
你知道要如何消除討厭的灼熱感嗎？
倒一些新鮮的奶油在上面
我的天呀，你惹到了一隻小野貓
說：「聽起來妳的奶油 需要好好攪拌」
然後說…
我只是想說，你想不想 改天一起出來吃個雪糕什麼的
什麼？
當然，我很想吃雪糕
老實說我已經好幾年都沒吃過雪糕了
不，你要性感一點
說你想要一個雪糕大屌
今晚八點，很好
這樣我就有時間做蜜臘脫毛
好的，再見
怎麼樣？回答是？
今晚八點，我們約好了
喔，我的天哪
托舉得不錯啊
仔細聽好，這次你們是 勉強及格通過大賽的
我們要怎麼贏過…
那些訓練多年的組合競爭？
只有一個方法
現在，你們想想有什麼是 你們有但是別人沒有的地方？
-兩隻公的？ -完全正確
我們必須創造只有兩個男人 才能滑出的舞步
與眾不同的動作
傑西，開始放錄像
拜託，開始吧，傑西
謝謝
吉米，我沒跟你說過 其實我以前是訓練雙人滑的
我當時帶著一組 準備參加奧運會的雙人組合
我非常想拿到金牌 於是我創出一個花式動作
世界上前所未見的動作
一個具革命性又危險的動作
一旦成功，便會讓他們躍上巔峰
如同許多革命性的想法一樣
沒有人有膽去試驗這動作
於是我離開了
我帶著它到了唯一一個 會有人願意嘗試它的地方
北朝鮮
當然
在竹幕後面，他們稱之為
「鐵蓮花」
多麼優雅，美麗
他們就快成功，直到…
我的媽呀
所以，你們的回答是？要試試看嗎？
-你神經錯亂嗎？ -什麼？你瘋了
別這樣，你們說什麼？
這幾年來，我已經找出失敗的原因了
就是體力不夠
他們是男女組合，所以沒能成功
你們兩個男人，沒問題的
注意一點，你們要對鐵蓮花充滿尊重
獨狼在她面前是沒有用的，查茲
吉米，你得學著即興發揮
你們兩人一定能完成這個動作
去吧，完成它
保持速度
保持！
吉米，你的腳小心別勾住
來，查茲，集中注意力
我的蛋蛋！
你小心點，我可不像你 我要用到這東西的
喔，是嗎？我…
好吧…你說得對，我下次會更加小心
對不起
聽著，我不是故意要討論你的蛋蛋
沒什麼關係，我反應過度，蛋蛋沒事
好，先生們，現在站起來再試一次
來吧
這是我小時候最喜歡的地方
順便說下，你看起來很美
真的嗎？你閃閃發光的項鏈也很好看
謝謝
夥計，我要再來一個藍的
你們在大賽中表現的很好 嚇壞我哥哥姐姐了
-他們要我暗中監視你們 -真的嗎？
所以你才答應跟我出來？
不是的
真的
我不在乎他們有沒有拿獎 我根本不在乎溜冰
我是說，真的…溜冰有什麼了不起？
就只是在冰上保持平衡盡量不摔倒而已
再加一些跳躍罷了，不是嗎？
還有閃亮亮緊身服
討厭的冰
抱歉
可是這不是冰的錯 而是冰可以讓你實現什麼
在那，我覺得自己可以做到一切
只有在冰上，我的人生才有意義
你溜過冰嗎？
我很小的時候，溜過一點
但我哥哥姐姐不喜歡 任何人搶他們的風頭
我總是別人的焦點
你知道我在十歲生日時 收到什麼禮物嗎？
六瓶蛋白雪克飲料 和男士健康雜誌
我都沒過十歲生日
我姐跟我朋友說 我持槍搶劫被關起來
九歲時，我爸堅持要我割包皮
這樣可以把風阻力降到最低
我爸媽在載我去溜冰場的路上 遇上嚴重的車禍
哥哥姐姐都把他們的死 都怪罪在我身上
逼迫我像奴隸般為他們工作
哇
我不知道這有那麼浪漫
你和那位小姐進行的如何？ 用你那根香腸刻冰啊？
好了，女士們，下午茶結束了
距離蒙特利爾大賽還剩兩天 我要看看你們的鐵蓮花
好，再試一次
你會殺了他，注意你的冰刀
來
再試一次
再來一次，我快成功了
大家好啊，歡迎收看國際冬季運動會
這裡是風景宜人的加拿大蒙特利爾
世界眾所矚目的冰封殿堂
全球傑出的運動員將在此進行比賽
共享此項運動的榮耀
很榮幸為您轉播這場充滿驚奇
壯觀的盛會，第20屆國際冬季運動會
您曾經說過
麥克羅伊是冰上無生命的機器人
-他才不會說那種話… -是的，我說過
但我指的是機器人的精確度及優美
如果他們有完整刊登我的話…
確實刊登了完整的…你那時接下去說的是
我屁股上的那塊布都比那
嘴上無毛的小鬼有特色
很好，聰明先生，賣弄夠了吧
不就是為了顯示你會用Google搜索嘛
給你一句新鮮的吧
麥克斯和麥克羅伊 都是最優秀的花樣溜冰手，必勝
必勝
吉米，雙人滑讓你更加出名嗎？
確實是，我的粉絲是世界上最棒的
我是說，我們的粉絲是世界上最棒的
他們在另外一個房間
真棒
幹得不錯
太好了！不只媒體愛他們 現在贊助廠商也喜歡他們
斯特蘭
凱蒂，看來你那晚的約會 進行的很順利嘛？
什麼？我想是吧，幹嘛？
沒什麼，我只是想知道後來怎麼樣 所以都順利吧？
-是呀，我們一起吃了雪糕 -喔，那很好啊
我要你現在把注意力轉移到查茲身上
什麼？
麥克羅伊的心 就像在你手上的蘋果
現在你要咬他一囗
-沒什麼能讓一個團隊更快決裂，除了… -皰疹
忌妒
不，我才不要讓查茲·麥克·麥克斯
愛上我
誰說要讓他愛上你？ 我們只是要你跟他上床
什麼？我才不，我絕對不要跟查茲上床
不要這樣嘛，凱蒂，做點正確的事
正確就是離開這，我現在就要離開
不要緊，斯特蘭，讓她走 她已經決定了
既然如此，我們就進行備用計劃
-什麼計劃？ -抱歉，你不用擔心
你堅持你的立場，那很好 我們尊重你的決定
但如果你男友的腿出點什麼事
我不清楚，可能是膝蓋，可能是腳踝？
反正你選擇做正大光明的事
-你要去哪？ -性慾狂的聚會
-化弱點為力量 -很好
吉米，午夜到我房間，凱蒂留
多謝，兄弟，祝你有個美好的一夜
待會兒見
這應該是給你的
很高興大家都到齊
性癮祈禱
那我們開始吧
查茲，你願意從你開始發言嗎？
我當時只想找到一點平靜
一個避難所 一個我覺得安全的地方
然後呢？
她是我的瑜珈指導老師
所以我知道她很柔軟靈活
但是查茲，你知道 這樣會讓你前功盡棄…
甚至嚴重影響你
讓你無法控制自己的性慾 對嗎？
是的，你說的沒錯，謝謝你，泰勒
你說的對
後來她的按摩師朋友 赤裸地走進我的房間
放輕鬆，查茲
拿著一大瓶菜籽油
還有一隻會操作攝像機的猴子
然後我的世界被她震動
大家冷靜！
查茲，我之前要你離開過 我不想再那樣
泰勒，別這樣
我們繼續，誰願意談談性病？
梅毒淋病之類的，或者…
嗨，不好意思，我遲到了，我剛剛在…
做愛做的事，很多次
歡迎歡迎
來自我介紹一下吧？
我認識她
我叫凱蒂
還有呢？
我嗜性成癮
你好，凱蒂
所以你也對性上癮
性性性，我能說什麼？
對，對，你已經說出全部了 這真是一個負擔
大家不了解我們每天經歷的掙扎
今晚過來我的房間 讓我們好互相安慰？
11點55，別遲到
你們，給我分開，回家去
主啊，請賜予我安詳 別讓我和朋友的女人搞上
賜予我勇氣回家，別讓我和她上床
賜予我智慧，手淫
有時候是最理智的解決辦法
很好
噢，親愛的上帝
你很準時，進來吧
你要喝些香檳嗎？
不，我不能…
事實上我只是要跟你說幾句話
說什麼？
你有浴袍或外套之類的可以遮一下…
抱歉，我很熱
躺在床上說
會不會比較舒服？
應該不會
這床墊有「療背效果」
你這麼說的話，那對我的背好
那我們就試試看吧
好，是這樣的
我知道嗜性成癮是一種病…
天哪，這感覺太美好了
天啊，這樣不對
吉米是我的朋友，我不可以這樣對他
等等，你是說真的嗎？
當然，應該，不
當然，當然，不，我不能這樣做
感謝天
-喔，上帝，真是讓人松一囗氣 -是嗎
他有黃金般的心腸
你這個色魔！性慾狂！
不，你搞錯了
淫穢！淫穢！
-等等 -嘿，等等！兄弟！
-我們什麼事都沒發生過！ -吉米！
等等！吉米！
-你給我走開！ -不是的！
該死的
快接電話，老弟
嘿，我是吉米 如果你有夢，你一定能實現它
吉米，是我，查茲
聽著，剛剛發生的事根本沒什麼
把它想成是我和你女友之間 一種胸部的握手…
結果跟你想的不一樣 我可以解釋，拜託，回我電話
是我，查茲
我對我們之間的友誼是堅定不移的
我哪兒都不會去
如果你以為我出去了，你就錯了 知道為什麼嗎？
因為我絕對不放棄等你回電，永遠！
我贏過許多電台競賽 就是因為我絕不會停止撥電話
如果萬聖節有裝扮舞會，要扮成 蝙蝠俠和羅賓的話，我會扮羅賓
這說明了你對我有多麼重要
感覺真蠢，你知道嗎？不
一點都不蠢，我很高興我說了那句話
嘿，討厭鬼？
我把你每一隻泰迪熊
塞進我的褲子裡
喂，呀，對不起
大概有一個月的時間 我的尿聞起來像棉花糖
我不想閉上眼
我不想入眠，因為我想念你，吉米
我什麼都不想錯過
所以馬上打給我！
我是吉米，如果你有夢，定能實現
又是我，吉米，拜託打給我，我才能解釋
哇，做得好，有人忙得很啊
犯案現場
告訴你，我沒有跟查茲上床
很好，"做愛"嘛，無所謂
我沒有跟查茲上床
-什麼？ -但還是恭喜你們！
-我感覺真的做了一樣噁心 -你打算去哪？
讓一切恢復正常 讓吉米知道事情的真相
你不會對自己的家人唱反調吧？
不要再對我用那套老把戲
你不顧我們對你的情義？ 你對父母做的事？
爸媽沒有繫好安全帶
而且還違規左轉
凱蒂，不要走，我們愛你…
只能靠我們自己了，好嗎？
我們必須將麥克斯和麥克羅伊 踢出比賽，不惜一切代價
這樣的話我們需要耍點小手段
大家好，歡迎收看Orbitz國際 冬季運動會第三天的比賽
隨著中國及俄羅斯的選手紛紛失誤
所以最後一決雌雄的是 即將登場的兩組選手
他們是來自美國的優秀選手 都準備好衝擊金牌
結局到底是如何 今晚，他們將在冰上一決高低
受人矚目的是
男男雙人組合麥克斯和麥克羅伊
同性雙人組已經在
全球數百萬觀眾的心中造成了轟動
他們簡直像暴風席捲了整個會場
吉米
吉米早就到賽場了，你這白癡
他盯著一包囗香糖看了九個小時 你對他做了什麼好事？
我馬上趕到
出租車
去國際冬季運動會比賽場館 沒錯，我就是查茲·麥克·麥克斯
-嘿，斯特蘭，是你 -嗨
接下來是雙人組的比賽 請各位選手離開場地
非常感謝你
噢，天哪，可不可以…
抱歉，查茲，我不是對你本人不滿
事實上完全相反
以後你就不再是聚光燈的焦點了
你這個混蛋！
該死
你想幹嘛？
你是魔鬼，十足的魔鬼！
你們全家人都是魔鬼，你哥也是
尤其是你妹妹
不要把我們跟她混為一談
如果她有我一半能耐 她早就完成我給她的任務
跟查茲上床了
-她沒有嗎？ -沒有
她做不到，因為你
我不懂
噁心，放開我，誰來幫幫我
發明繩子的人真是頭豬
我要遲到了，妹妹 我的頭髮一直搞不好
噢，該死的
好吧
現在誰會來救你，查茲？
小麥克羅伊王子會在下面跟你碰面嗎？
太好了
嗨，你好
你在那做什麼？ 不，等等，別害怕，等等
壞壞的陌生人！壞壞的陌生人！
不要走，拜託！
來吧，查茲！
好吧，斯特蘭，是時候來點厲害的了
漂亮
我來了，查茲
扶我一下
-我不會傷害你的 -我來了，查茲
該死的，斯特蘭
你有見到吉米嗎？我到處都找不到他
幾分鐘前他還在這裡
如果你找到他 你可以叫他快點滾過來嗎？
真的很感謝你
追我的那男人想殺了我，真的非常感謝
你這是在扮演誰啊？羅德塞林嗎？
甘迺迪總統
- 到時候就知道 - 不，不，很好，對
垃圾
你過來啊！
別讓我傷到她
雪花仔!
來自美國的
雙人組斯特蘭和菲爾查
現在是深受大家喜愛的 斯特蘭和菲爾查
即將上場了
他們將化身瑪麗蓮夢露和肯尼迪總統
上演一場禁忌之戀
我驕傲的說，我是柏林人！
請美國隊的麥克斯和麥克羅伊
做好上場準備
這是對美國歷史一種很特別的呈現
的確，我認為這是很難得的
這對男女完美的把所有細節展現出來
天衣無縫地將道具融入表演之中
在肢體動作方面讓人印象深刻 在藝術方面也同樣讓人感動
罕見的冰上歷史劇芭蕾舞
目前斯特蘭和菲爾查的 得分處於第一的位置
下面登場的是麥克斯和麥克羅伊
教練！教練！我趕上了嗎？查茲在哪？
你該死的去哪晃了？
你的搭擋30秒不到場 我就會取消你們的參賽資格
我知道，我知道
我們玩完了，就這樣，完蛋了 見鬼，就這樣結束
教練，他會來的
選手上場
還剩二十秒淘汰
吉米·麥克羅伊獨自一人站在冰上
不禁讓人懷疑究竟發生了什麼事
就像沒有蒙大拿的萊斯
沒有阿里的佛雷爾，沒有漢索羅的喬巴卡
吉米
嘿！吉米！吉米！
查茲！
我沒有跟凱蒂上床！
-我知道！ -我們甚至連二壘都沒上
或許有
我為自己不聽話的小弟弟感到羞愧
行啦，等下再說這個！
你現在要馬上下來這裡
不然我們會被淘汰！
凱蒂不是個蕩婦！
好，我明白了！不要再多說了！
好！好！
-選手登場 -等一下！
十秒倒數
哇
真爽啊！
哇！查茲·麥克·麥克斯戲劇化地登場
我很好！
沒事！
我很好
麥克斯的另一項特殊技能
在他遇上緊急狀況時立即變裝
女子組的冠軍
薩沙·科恩接到了麥克的褲衩
我愛你，查茲！
-我趕上了 -我知道你會到的
讓我們一起抓住我們的夢
抓住…說得好，你怎麼想到這麼說的？
-我也不知道，張囗就說了 -酷
-我們來大幹一場吧 -好
斯科特，這兩人今晚的主題似乎是未來科幻
很恰當，他們很有可能是冰上的未來之星
讓我告訴你，吉姆
他們就像是從外太空射進的光線
掀起革命
燈光亮起，群眾開始興奮起來
機器人先生準備舞出第一個動作
配合得美極了！
機器人先生舞出第一個動作
他們的每一項動作都充滿著戲劇化
冰上衝擊
火花四濺！看看他們的熱情！
沒有其他的選手可以做得到！
蒙特利爾出現了煙火
太驚人了
你在做什麼？
我們自由表演 你是牛排，我是嘶嘶作響的聲音
我們沒練過這個舞步
為凱蒂而燃燒，用你火熱的愛融化冰場
麥克斯和麥克羅伊讓現場溫度驟升
這倆傢伙就像是活的磨冰機一樣
完了
所有的贊助，一切的一切都沒有了
天啊，我都找不到一份真正的工作 簡直要死了
老天，我總是要收你們的爛攤子
一個嚴重的失足 破壞原本完美的動作
如果他們想擊倒斯特蘭和費爾查 完美無缺是很重要的
-我想我的腳踝扭到了 -什麼？
我用下力試試看
我不曉得，斯科特 我不確定他們的創意是否
能贏得評審的歡心
-他們在做什麼？ -有點不對勁
腳踝受傷，我做不了鐵蓮花了
我又不是超人，看在上帝的份上
我們交換角色
如果你把我的頭砍了，你就完了
他們要交換角色使出鐵蓮花
天哪，又要重蹈復撤
他們為了使出某個殺手鑭而不斷加速
看起來他們要做出某個…
我完全沒看過的動作
難道是傳說中的鐵蓮花
不！不要！我錯了！那簡直是自殺！
他們成功了！令人難以置信的表演！
觀眾瘋狂歡呼！他們站了起來！
我從來沒想到會在有生之年 見證傳說中的鐵蓮花！
蒙特利爾歷史性的一刻
麥克斯和麥克羅伊讓傳說成為現實
斯科特，我好像尿褲子了
查茲，查茲，我們做到了！
-我們贏了嗎？ -我不知道
我剛剛好像見到聖母瑪莉亞
不，應該不是她
我抓穩你了，麥克斯先生，我們走吧
-我不要死 -你沒事的
-我不要死 -深呼吸下，我們這就走
需要隔開你的褲子
好，從我褲襠那下手比較容易
你們太神奇了
是嗎？我以為我落地不是很完美
你練習過了嗎
查茲教了我一些些
斯特蘭.范.旺登伯格
你將為侮辱國際比賽的吉祥物 將受到拘捕
雪花仔
-這是她的主意，她弄傷人家的腳踝！ -什麼？
你這蠢蛋！
我討厭死你了
別亂來了，我們走
我對性上癮
就是因為沒人愛我
但是我今天學到了一課
冰不屬於這裡
它屬於那兒
屬於溜冰場上
我從來就沒有過父親，知道嗎？
這不重要！
因為現在我有了個好兄弟
這是我兄弟
這位是我兄弟的馬子
她絕對不是蕩婦
好痛，我覺得我快吐了
查茲，你要趕快去醫院，快點
不，你要我錯過掛金牌的那一刻？
死都不能錯過
謝謝你
吉米，你做到了！ 金牌，寶貝！你做到了！
我要裸體掛金牌
謝謝你
給你看樣東西，我上禮拜去刺的
這是你，和獨狼一起戰鬥的另一隻
於是獨狼不再孤單
這代表你對我的重要意義，老弟
你喝醉酒的時候不小心刺上的對嗎？
沒錯，喝得爛醉的時候
-歡迎加入狼群 -謝謝
我們離開這裡吧
-現在？ -對
美國！
那面金牌被吉米和查茲贏走了
多虧海克特的主意！
我們做到了，海克特！
當然啦，我們一定成功的
謝謝你，海克特，他都是為了我們著想
海克特去哪ㄦ了？
我在這，我們做到了，來擊掌
酷呆了，做的好，金牌
你們是最棒的，吉米？
什麼事，海克特？
我可以跟查茲單獨聊聊嗎？
當然可以，你在哭嗎？
沒有，我沒事
好，那我去了，來份三明治
嘿，查茲
做啥？
我想說的是，你們現在是拍檔了
我跟他做了一輩子朋友了
你要好好照顧他
我會的
他就是，就只是愛吃
他也喜歡做夢和說悄悄話
他最喜歡的電影是〈霹靂五號〉
和〈油炸綠蕃茄〉
幫我好好照顧他，好嗎？
我會的，放心好了
願主保佑你
甜心吉米，你可以回來了
你們剛剛在談些什麼？
一些事，你懂的
你們真是太棒了
我想說的是，別放棄追逐夢想
因為有許多夢想還沒實現
美國
I'll take him.
Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back.
Here it comes.
And he nails it!
It's the best he's been.
Now there's the arm.
And you know what that means.
Yes. The galloping peacock. And look at him getting air on that.
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
There are very few women in the history of this sport
that skate with this kind of beauty.
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
Ending the programme showing his flexibility.
What a great effort!
He couldn't skate any better than that.
The performance of a lifetime, Jimmy MacElroy!
Elegant with machine-like technical precision.
And there it is.
So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time.
Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott.
But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold.
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
Iet's take a look at this exceptional young skater.
He is a child of privilege.
A classic skater defined by elegance, precision
and an ability to endure great pain.
He was plucked from an orphanage at age four
by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy.
Once a breeder of some of the most successful racehorses in the world,
Darren had turned his attention
to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans.
His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
With his father's state of the art,
some say questionable, training methods,
this child prodigy was forged into an uber skater.
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
while his trademark Jimmy curl was sweeping the nation,
with kids of all ages fashion drafting right behind their idol.
A champion, an icon, a giver.
Jimmy MacElroy, skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
-Well, Coach? -You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
You nailed it shut. Every move exactly like I showed you.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we?
Look, I knew I had it. I just felt like it needed a little...
Feeling? We're feeling now? What are you teaching this boy?
Jimmy!
I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
Move!
They may look cute and innocent but they're nothing
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
-Remember the slides I showed you? -But they're beautiful.
You smell like a winner! You want to smell like...
-Ladies and gentlemen... -Jimmy!
-I'll call you! -...the judges' scores are:.
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
Hands.
Skittles.
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?
Besides, you're too late.
They already handed out the girls' medals this morning.
Shut up, Michaels.
That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo.
But I remember Boston,
and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie
for which the town was named.
Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town.
Chazz!
There he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels.
This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd, and they love it!
How do you describe something like that?
He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music.
And he just nails the triple Axel!
Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
Well, you know he is sex on ice.
Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels, it's not enough just to win.
He wants to make love to the crowd.
That's why those seats are so valuable.
That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels.
Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note.
You have been called out, sir.
You're welcome, Stockholm.
Unreal. An instant classic.
Just when you think you've seen it all,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version.
The undefeatable underdog, ice skating's backdoor lover,
Chazz Michael Michaels has come in here and captivated this arena
Iike a stack of classic Euro porn.
And so while his scores are being tabulated,
Iet's learn a little bit more about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
Troubled childhood?
If you call being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
by becoming a star in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene.
The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award,
which is not to say this rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
He recently published a book of poetry, Let Me Put My Poems in You.
Before a big competition, I like to work with leather.
The Native Americans always said
that working with hides and pelts releases the soul.
These are a couple of diaper bags I made for Faith Hill.
Two men, only one winner.
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
Personal philosophy:. clothing optional.
Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
That was disgusting.
That, young man, is how babies are made.
-Get out of my face. -I'll get inside your face.
Mr Michael Michaels,
please gather your coach, family, and friends
and move to the bench to await your scores.
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight. I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there.
5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
That's what I'm talking about.
5.9, 6.0...
Another 6.0.
...5.8.
Was it good for you, Stockholm?
'Cause it was good for me. Let's have a smoke.
Eat that, MacElroy.
Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied.
-Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. -You're high.
From the United States, Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
You're fired.
What? I brought you a gold medal.
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
If I wanted him to share, I'd have bought him a brother.
It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
And they join Team USA's other gold medallists,
the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
America's brother and sister darlings,
the gold standard of pairs figure skating.
Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists,
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild burst out of the womb and onto the ice
while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines.
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 1 4th, 1 987
when their parents died tragically in a car crash.
Katie would survive.
The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
from which they could never recover?
But the siblings' commitment was such
that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral.
So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
how heavy is that gold around your necks?
Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air
because dreams never weigh you down.
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy?
Two gold medals?
Yeah. That's great.
Well, speaking of gold medals,
the winners of the men's singles
are taking their place at the podium right now.
This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy.
You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal
is sharing it with your fellow countryman.
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
-Just scoot over, man. -Don't.
-Just scoot over. -You scoot over.
Now there's some jostling atop the podium
and down goes Chazz Michael Michaels.
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
I have never in all my years seen anything
this disgraceful on the world stage.
I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim.
You get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck.
A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy!
And Spaetzle's aflame!
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm...
We love you, Jimmy.
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
You an official here?
'Cause you have officially given me a boner.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything.
Let's get started, shall we?
If either one of you would like to make a statement
before the commission passes judgement,
you may do so at this time.
Fans, friends, esteemed members of the committee,
I don't know what I can say,
but I pray you can all forgive me.
More than that, I pray the children can forgive me.
Oh, my God.
-I place my future in their tiny hands. -That is retarded.
God bless you. God bless everyone. Thank you.
God bless you, Jimmy. God bless your heart.
Maxim.
Last issue.
"Chazz Michael Michaels is figure skating."
Boom!
All right, duly noted.
In accordance with the rules of the lnternational Skating Federation,
James MacElroy and Charles Michael Michaels,
you are to be stripped of your medals...
What?
...and banned from men's figure skating for the remainder of your lives!
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
Oh, that sucks.
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
I'm gonna pop you in the back of the head.
Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
It's time for a fresh start.
-Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly. -Good. Jimmy,
-I'm un-adopting you. -What?
I don't think un-adopting is the right word.
Legally, I'm disowning you.
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
But I've been your son for 26 years.
Twenty-two, so nobody can say I didn't try. We've had a good run.
Now, I think it would be best for all of us if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy, if you left now.
Wait!
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off. We'll both feel better.
Hey, everybody, get your tickets for the second show.
Second show tickets now available.
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la We sing a grublet song
We love to roam our woodsy home Of greenery and scenery and song
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la A grublet sings along
Oh, God.
I hate you.
I hate my life.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Boo!
I mean, I had it with skating for the judges, you know?
Just like, I don't need that.
I mean, for me, it's so much more satisfying to see the...
The eyes of a small child, seeing that wonder as they...
They see you skate out there with a big wizard head on, you know?
Nice. Really nice.
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
You knew this was how I rolled when you met me.
No. When I met you, you were a great figure skater.
Now you're getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
I don't even know who you are any more.
You're living in the past, Sammy.
Come on, me and the Woodland Fairies,
we're living in the here and now.
And we're feeling so free. Come on, join us.
Baby. Come on, babe.
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed.
Second show's almost three-quarters full.
-You drunk? -No.
But this ought to do it.
I would fire you
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
-You smell like urine. -A lot?
Get your head on.
They don't feel right.
That's because I'm not finished.
You see, it helps to think of the laces as belonging to three distinct groups.
First, the foundation.
They're too tight.
Daddy! He's crushing me.
Doing it right takes a little bit longer, but it's worth it.
Hey, what are you doing? She said it's too tight.
Well, but she's wrong.
I mean, who are you gonna trust, a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
-Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy? -ls there a problem here, sir?
Yeah, this kid is torturing my daughter's foot.
I'm so sorry, sir.
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates, you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hector?
What are you doing here?
You know I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, that thing?
You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
Thanks.
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
Do you look at yourself?
I totally wanna cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you, Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry. I'll cut to the chase.
-You gotta start skating again, Jimmy. -What?
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, you know what I mean?
Look, I almost gave up on you.
I started working with that Ukrainian skater,
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
And I moved to the Ukraine
and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
I sympathise with you, Hector. I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
I'm banned for life.
Don't be so sure.
Section 14, paragraph G,
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable and the banned skater can never again
"compete in any Federation-sanctioned tournament
"that exists in such a skater's division."
You see? You're only banned from your division, men's singles!
You can still compete in pairs skating.
Pairs.
How is this possible?
I had so many lawyers work on so many appeals.
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
Good luck, Jimmy.
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Hey, little forest creatures.
None of you sons-of-bitches try to be heroes. You hear me?
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
It's Gary. What are you doing?
Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel.
Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend.
We've been skating for two and a half years.
I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson,
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball. "
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
That's the reality. Another layer to the legend.
I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on lce will be cancelled until further notice.
No refunds will be given.
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
There's a loophole. I was banned from men's singles but not pairs.
I can skate in the Wintersport Games again.
I knew it. I knew after three years, you just weren't checking in.
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy. You gotta move on, too.
But I'm a skater. There's nothing to move on to,
except for winning the gold again and keeping it this time.
You know how hard it is to find a partner?
Even if you did, you gotta qualify for Nationals.
That's a month away.
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
It can't be that hard. I mean...
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy. It's like a cruel bitch mother.
She'll seduce you with chocolates and roses
and then kick you to the side of the road like a dead raccoon.
Forget it. I gotta go.
It's good to see you.
Wait, Coach!
Jimmy MacElroy?
Another great walking through the halls of the Grublets.
Welcome to my little production.
If you're here to thank me for firing Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
Chazz was here?
Yeah, unfortunately, but it's fantastic that you're here.
And yes, no need to ask, I'll consider you for a position.
I'm not looking for a job.
I'm actually looking for a female skater to compete with me at Nationals.
-Are you trying to skater poach? -No.
You trying to break up my family?
Why don't you get out of here before I throw down?
Hey, where you going?
Michaels.
MacElroy.
I see you got fat.
I see you still look like a 1 5-year-old girl but not hot.
You crushed my dreams.
Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years.
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you in your crap lousy face.
This ends tonight.
It's daytime, you douche.
-Now it's on! -You're so fat!
Local figure skating fans got more than they bargained for today
when a children's ice show was interrupted by a street fight
between two former champions.
Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels,
once at the top of the skating world,
picked up today where they left off more than three years...
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy as gold medallists who,
in a bizarre turn of events,
became banned from competition for life.
I had a chance to sit down with Michaels
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
Two men skating together? That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
-I don't see what's so funny. -lf you were as drunk as me, you would.
Look, Coach, I know I said I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
Even if we wanted to, they'd never allow it.
But there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't.
That's not my style. Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
Okay? That means no coach and no partner.
Especially not a dude.
Especially not the precious and pampered Richie Rich.
Would you just shut up? You don't know what you're talking about.
I know more than you think I know.
Hell, I know more than you know you know.
No, you don't. You could never keep up with my flawless technique.
That's why I floored you in '02 and the spring of '99.
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
and a Kristi Yamaguchi Lifetime Achievement Award.
-I am figure skating. -Stop it!
For three years I've been trying to get over the nightmare you two created.
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit, we can still find something beautiful.
I don't know, Coach.
I mean, I'm really desperate to win that gold, but...
But what? How's the partner search coming, kid?
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
You getting a lot of satisfaction from those $1 5 hookers?
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
The registration for the National Finals closes in exactly 1 2 hours.
Now let me ask you boys a question.
Do you wanna make history?
No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
-Maybe I will. -Maybe you should.
You challenging me, Princess?
I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
-Then bring it on! -lt is on!
Good. We're in agreement then.
-What? -What?
Welcome back to competitive skating, gentlemen.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Little help.
Here we go. Show time.
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition?
And what does a new gold medal mean for you?
It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts.
That's very important to us.
Now we haven't seen you in about three and a half years.
What have you been up to?
Skating.
Now apparently you're dedicating this performance
to the children of the world.
Sorry.
-Chazz, fill this out. -No.
Yes.
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
Who is that girl?
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Mind bottling, isn't it?
-Did you just say "mind bottling?" -Yeah, mind bottling.
You know, when things are so crazy,
it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle.
All right, boys. Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
What are you two doing here?
You know damn well I'm not letting either of you sign up. They're banned.
I'm not here to sign up Michaels or MacElroy.
I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels and MacElroy.
Thank you.
Now there's your front page headline.
Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
So Jimmy and Chazz together and no fighting, huh?
Two men skating together and in our division, no less.
Why, Stranz?
Why is God singling us out
for the greatest suffering the world has ever known?
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Makes my blood boil.
And all they're doing is just leeching the dignity out of our beloved sport.
You know, I'm not a violent person,
but I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
Guys, maybe, maybe if you concentrate on the skating
people will forget all the hype
and they'll focus on the purity of the sport
and the spirit of honest competition.
You guys just want to cheat again, don't you?
-That's a good idea. -Much better.
Katie, please, will you just take this camcorder, okay?
I don't know how to turn it on. Thank you.
No, I'm not spying for you again.
We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Find someone else.
-What's that, Mother? -Don't.
You and Father are sad that you were killed
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson all those years ago?
Yeah. Me, too.
Remember how they used to be alive?
Papa?
I can't hear you, Papa. What are you... You're crying?
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
-Fine, I'll do it. -Yes.
Now you're playing for team Van Waldenberg.
All right. You'll be staying here for the duration.
You're gonna skate as a pair. You'll live as a pair.
And if you're at all interested in self-preservation,
you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber.
Why would we step in baby food?
-He's talking about the carpet. Berber? -What are you? The Rug Doctor?
-Maybe I am. -I'm the rug master.
-What does that even mean? -Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
-Bunk beds? -I don't share rooms.
I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
It's dark for everyone, moron.
Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles.
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand?
You are going to eat together, sleep together.
You are going to pee together.
You're gonna file a joint income tax return.
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
I just put those into order.
I need some counter space, too.
-Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo? -Yes, it is.
-Do you use this stuff on your hair? -Uh-huh.
"For a lustrous coat." Does this actually work?
You bet your ass it does.
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice.
And then I brush my hair 100 times with this.
Cool brush.
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
Handmade in ltaly. They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
They only make 1 1 of them a year.
This one cost me $12,000 or 30 million lira.
Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque.
How minimal?
I bet you'd like to know.
Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want,
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
'Cause I will knock your block off.
No exaggeration,
I could not love a human baby as much as I love this brush.
I call top.
-Sorry, I already called it in my head. -You can't do that. That doesn't count.
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
You're in Chazz's world now.
You know what? I permanently called shotgun.
You do not get shotgun every time.
What is this place? It smells like fish.
Sweet.
This ice has not been properly Zambonied.
-And where's the warm-down room? -We don't have any of that.
What we got is a cold storage unit
that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
Nice choice, Coach.
Turned out well.
The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift,
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
And used properly, they can slay your opponent.
Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body.
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
You know what, dude, your hand has to be on top.
No way. The girl's goes on top.
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
Fat ass?
It doesn't really matter, it's waltz position.
One guy, you put your, just...
See that? It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
Jimmy, get off your hands.
You're gonna need those later. Now, come on.
All right.
Okay, you know what? I can do something cool, too.
Chazz. Chazz.
You think you're so tough. Huh? I'm not fat. I can do this.
-Chazz, put your skates back on. -No, it's too late. They're off.
-Look, I'm like lightning. -Put your skates back on.
What are you doing?
-Yeah. God, that burns. -Oh, yeah?
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
-Damn it! -Watch my lcy Hot Super Slide.
-Do it. -I will.
It's not gonna matter 'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
You're the girl.
-What? -You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
-Wait. Why? -Because you whine like one!
And no one can lift your fat ass. You're on a diet, starting now.
-What are you talking about? -Let's go! Come on!
Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
You got another five miles, then you get a LUNA bar.
Come on.
So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
-Really? -We're gonna skate to one song,
one song only. Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
What you gonna do with all that junk All that junk inside my trunk
I'm gonna get you, get you drunk Get you drunk off my lady hump
My hump, my hump My lovely lady hump
I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps.
I don't even know what that means.
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
-No, it's not. It's gross. -lt gets the people going.
That's enough! Why do you guys keep doing that?
You didn't see shit!
-Coach! -Shut up!
Throw me some chicken!
Two men.
Together. You're really gonna go through with this, huh?
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
I mean, I need your help. What do you say?
Look, I'm just a choreographer. What do I know?
Bring them by the dance studio tomorrow.
-Great! -I'm not a magician.
I ain't making no promises.
I'm just saying that I'm'a do what I can do.
Your problem is your boundaries. That ends today.
Out on my dance floor you won't know
where one man's body ends and another begins.
Because if you can't dance with a man, you damn sure can't skate with a man.
All right? So come on, let's go.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
Okay. Break it down. Show me what you got.
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
You're tensing your face. If you tense your face,
you're gonna make it harder for yourselves.
Just enable...
Rewind it. I wanna see his head bang down again.
No. No, no. You act right or you leave my studio.
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer. Nice into...
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
Chazz, release to Jimmy. Easy, see? Release...
-Yes. -No. No.
You nailed it!
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
Maybe if you released me at that quarter-turn,
I wouldn't have to save your ass with my landing.
It's called improvisation. Even your precious Kenny G does it.
Well, at least they're getting the moves down.
Yeah, but can they do it in front of five judges and 30 million people?
Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road
to the World Wintersport Games in Montreal.
The finest skaters from all over the country have trained tirelessly,
for years for their chance to make it onto the world stage.
But all those stories have been eclipsed now
by what many dub the Sideshow of the Century.
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
The anxiety was palpable when they arrived this morning
as the skating community continued to voice its outrage.
Those two are turning this sport into a freak show.
As if figure skating wasn't gay enough already.
Let me show you something. Does that look right to you?
Nothing in here about two men skating.
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
Now let's join Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
as they wind up their routine,
an edgy look at urban culture told in the language of the streets.
And boy, look at them! They are really having fun with this.
The bling is king. This pair is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
Come on! Come on!
Wow! Flawless, as always.
These two blue-eyed funk machines are going to find themselves
popping and locking their way to the championship in Montreal.
And those good vibrations seem
to have spread all the way through this arena.
What, what!
You guys are up.
And now the moment this crowd has been waiting for.
And how is this going to work?
Completely different skaters, known to be enemies of one another,
combining to be the first male-male pair team in the history of the sport.
Either the locked-in technical style of MacElroy
will not mesh with Michaels' improvisations
or they create great music together
and reinvent the sport in their own image.
They're laughing at us.
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon.
Now he's up there laughing at them.
Well, they titled this routine "Fire and Ice. "
They've always been that way as competitors, as individuals
and now as a pair team?
So appropriate.
So far, so good.
Their first move's so difficult. Throw triple Axel.
First throw.
Man down.
What an unbelievably disastrous beginning to this routine!
I've never fallen once in competition.
Come on. T ake my hand.
We can do this.
And they're up.
Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
Let's go!
And the crowd responds.
It's the first time they've shown them any level of support.
Side by side double Axels! Beautifully delivered!
And again, a male-male pair team.
They're doing things that no other pair would dare to do.
Incredible!
So many moves in this programme I've never heard of before.
Y es!
Unbelievable finish to an incredible routine!
And they've won this crowd over!
Y es!
This might be enough to send them to Montreal
as the first male-male representatives this sport has ever seen.
History in the making.
Yeah!
We love you, Denver!
City by the bay! John Denver!
-Was the fire really necessary? -Ask them.
-That's what I'm talking about! -I'm so proud of you. Good job.
What up, homes?
You guys were great out there.
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
I know. Katie.
I know.
I like your buttons.
Jimmy, come on. The scores are up.
-Good luck. -You, too.
Did you see that? They were actually pretty good.
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
None of what they did was on your video.
That's all right. Let's not let them get into our heads.
Into our head? Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
we let down the Funky Bunch.
...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
-Yes! Yes! -Oh, my gosh!
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
Well, it's all smiles here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
You're the guys everybody's talking about. How does it feel?
You know, we're just so grateful for this wonderful opportunity
to be out here on the ice again...
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from hell, okay?
We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott.
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline and three percent bullshit.
If they wanna take home the gold, they gotta do something spectacular.
Robert, I know where this is going.
How many times do you have to make the same mistake?
Till I get it right. You gotta trust me, Jesse.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear.
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like.
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something.
Checking out my ink?
Some people refer to me as the lllustrated Man.
Each tattoo tells a different tale. They're like chapters of my life.
Really? So, what's that one about?
That one represents the dragon lady. You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated figure skater in US history?
-You tapped that? -Sure did.
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
She was ready to quit, hang up her skates
settle down and pop out a few little Chazzlings.
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
So, what's that one with the horse?
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
Not Oksana Baiul?
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
and was named one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating persons of 1 994.
Yeah. But don't let her fool you. She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
She's like dry ice. Wait. She's colder than that.
-What's colder than dry ice? -I don't know.
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
What about that one on your shoulder? Who's that?
That one? It's nothing.
What about you? You got any tats?
I had my face painted at the Blueberry Festival one year.
Seems about right.
Well, I could have one. I could have a killer one.
I have a crush on the enemy, Katie Van Waldenberg.
Good choice, my man.
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
-Wait. What are you doing? -I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
-I can't do that. It's crazy. -It's not crazy.
What am I supposed to say?
-No, you can't. I can't. -It's ringing. Go.
-Sorry. -Maybe it's Nike.
Van Waldenberg Companies.
Talk. Relax.
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
It's MacElroy, for her.
What? For me? Why?
-I can't do it. -I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
Stranz?
Hello?
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack. What up?"
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower."
-Sell yourself. -Will you be quiet?
You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower.
-She just got out of the shower. -Oh, me likey.
-I have to call her back. This is so rude. -No! Are you insane?
-She's gonna hear you. -Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
"l gotta get me one of those 'cause I just got back from the gym
"doing my squat thrusts."
I gotta... Yeah, shower. I need one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts.
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
Squat thrusts are hard.
-"Real hard." -Real hard.
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
It's worth it to get a deep burn in my sweet thighs.
"You know how you can soothe a nasty burn?
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
Do you know what you can do for a burn?
Pour sweet cream on it.
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped",
and then go...
I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime?
What?
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually.
No, you have to be sexy.
Say you want a snow boner. Snow boner.
8:.00 tonight. That sounds great.
It will "get me time to get my jugs waxed."
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
What happened? What's the word?
8:.00 tonight. We did it!
Oh, my God!
Nice lift.
All right, listen up. You guys barely squeaked by at Nationals.
How are we gonna compete against teams
that have been doing this for years?
There's only one way.
Okay. What do you guys have that none of the other teams have?
-Twin dongs? -Exactly.
We have to do something that only two men can do together.
Something never seen before.
Jesse, put in the tape.
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
Thank you.
Jimmy, I never told you this before, but I used to coach pairs.
I was on track to head up the Olympic squad.
I wanted it badly, so I developed a move.
A move the likes of which the world had never seen before.
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
that it would have catapulted the team that stuck it straight to the top.
And like many revolutionary ideas,
it just scared the shit out of the establishment.
So I quit.
And I took it to the one place on earth batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
North Korea.
Of course.
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
"The lron Lotus."
Look at the grace, the beauty.
They almost have it, until...
Oh, my gosh.
Okay. What do you say, let's give it a try?
-Are you nuts? -What? That's crazy.
Come on, what are you talking about?
See, after all these years, I know what went wrong.
The physics were off.
It was a man and a woman, that's why it didn't work.
You're two men. You should be fine.
Be warned. The lron Lotus demands your respect.
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing to improvise.
You two are the last pieces of the puzzle.
Go on! Fit them together!
Keep your speed up.
Keep it up!
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
My nut-sack!
You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things.
Oh, yeah? Well...
Well, well, yeah, you're right. I'll try to be more careful next time.
Sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion.
That was uncalled for. They're fine, I overreacted.
All right, gentlemen, let's get up and try it again.
Let's do this.
This was my favourite place growing up.
By the way, you look really nice.
Oh, really? I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
Oh, thanks.
Foy, can I have another blue one?
You guys were so good at Nationals, it scared my brother and sister.
-They wanted me to spy on you. -Really?
Is that why you're going out with me right now?
No!
Really.
I don't care if they win. I don't care about skating at all.
I mean, really, what's so great about skating, anyway?
It's basically just gliding, trying not to fall,
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
Ice blows.
Sorry.
But it's not the ice. It's what the ice lets you do.
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
It's the only place where life makes sense.
You've never skated?
When I was a kid, a little.
But my brother and sister don't like anyone to steal their focus.
My life was nothing but focus.
You know what I got for my tenth birthday?
A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health.
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery.
When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised
to minimise wind resistance.
While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident.
My brother and sister blame me for their death
and they force me to work for them like a slave.
Wow.
I never really thought of that as a romantic story before.
So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice with your wiener?
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
We got two days till Montreal. I wanna see an lron Lotus.
Okay, try it again.
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
Come on!
Try it again!
One more. I'm really close.
Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
The world turns its eyes now to this frozen sanctuary
as the globe's finest athletes arrive to compete
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
And so, now we are honoured to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
and spectacle of these, the 20th World Wintersport Games.
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
"Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
-He would never say such a... -Yes, I did.
But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots.
If they'd published the rest of the quote...
They did publish the rest of your quote. You go on to say,
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
"with more personality than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
All right, Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
You figured out how to work the Google on the lnternet machine.
Well, here's a new quote for you, all right?
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!
Boom!
Jimmy! Has pairs skating helped your popularity?
Absolutely. I have the best fans in the world.
I mean, we have the best fans in the world.
No, that's in the other room.
Boom.
Nice.
Great! Press loves them, and now so do the sponsors.
Stranz!
So, Katie, it looks like your date went really well the other night, huh?
What? I guess so. Why?
No reason. I was just wondering how it went. Did it go well?
-Yeah, we had snow cones... -Oh, that's so great.
We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now.
What?
MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand
and now you need to bite it.
-Nothing breaks up a team faster than... -Herpes.
Jealousy.
No. I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels
fall in love with me.
Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him.
What? No! I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
Come on, Katie. Do the honourable thing here.
The honourable thing is to walk away and that is exactly what I'm doing.
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay. She's made up her mind.
We'll just move on to Plan B.
-What's Plan B? -I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
You stood your ground. Good for you. We respect that.
But if something should happen to your new boyfriend's leg,
I don't know, under his knee, or above his ankle?
At least you did the honourable thing.
-Where're you going? -Sex addicts meeting.
-"Turn weakness into strength." -Good for you.
Thanks, brother man. Have a good night.
See ya!
This must be for you.
So glad you're all here.
Okay, let's get started.
Chazz, would you like to start the day off by sharing?
I was just trying to find some peace.
A haven, a place where I could feel safe.
And then what happened?
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
So I knew she was limber.
But, Chazz, you realise this would just set you back
and further hurt your progress
in maintaining control over your libido, correct?
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
Definitely.
Until her friend, a massage therapist, walked in the door naked.
Easy, Chazz.
With a big bottle of canola oil
and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera.
And she rocked my world.
Guys!
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't wanna do it again.
Taylor, come on, man.
Let's just move on. Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
Syphilis, gonorrhoea, et cetera. Should we...
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
having sex. A lot.
Welcome. Welcome.
Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
I know her.
I'm Katie.
And?
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
Hi, Katie.
Hey, Katie.
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all. It's such a burden.
I mean, people don't realise what we go through on a day-to-day basis.
Why don't you come to my room tonight and we can comfort each other?
1 1 :55 sharp.
Come on, people, break it up!
God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend
and the wisdom to know that masturbation
is sometimes the most sensible solution.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You're right on time. Come in.
Would you like some champagne?
No, I can't, l...
Actually I just came by 'cause I had something I had to say to you.
What?
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could...
Sorry. I'm hot.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
saying what you need to say from the bed?
Probably not.
It's a Posturepedic.
Well, then, in that case, it's good for my back,
so might as well try it.
Okay, here it goes.
I know that sex, I know that sex addiction is a disease.
Oh, God, they feel so good.
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this.
Wait. Do you really mean that?
Yes, I think so. No.
Yes, I do. I do. I can't go through with this.
Thank God.
-Oh, God, what a relief. -Yeah.
He's got a heart of gold.
You sex demon! You, you sex fiend!
No, you got it all wrong.
Impure! Impure!
-Jimmy, wait! -Hey, wait! Brother man!
-Nothing happened! -Jimmy!
Wait! Jimmy!
-Get away! -Jimmy! No!
Damn it.
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
Hey, it's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal.
Just think of it as like a boob handshake between me and your lady's...
Look, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
It's me, Chazz.
I'm committed to this thing called friendship.
And I ain't going nowhere.
And if you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why?
Because I will not back down, ever!
I've won a lot of radio contests, because I refused to get off the line!
If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
That's how much you mean to me.
That was stupid that I said that. You know what? No.
I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that.
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
I've taken every single one of your teddy bears,
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows.
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep 'Cause I miss you Jimmy
And I don't wanna miss a thing
So call me back now!
It's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please, call me back, so I can explain.
Wow! Nice work. Somebody got busy in a big way.
Scene of the crime.
For your information, I didn't have sex with Chazz.
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
-What? -But congratulations!
-I feel as slimy as if I had. -Where do you think you're going?
To make this right! Jimmy needs to know the truth!
You would do that to your own family?
Don't give me that guilt trip.
After all we've done for you? After all you did to Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad were not wearing their seatbelts
and they made an improper left-hand turn.
Come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff.
Look, it's up to us, okay?
We are forced to take Michaels and MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
That might require some bad behaviour.
Hello, and welcome to day three of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
The best Chinese and Russian pairs have fallen away,
setting up the ultimate gold medal showdown.
Just two pairs remain. Both American. Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
And it's come down to this. Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
The big story here is
the men's pairs figure skating team of Michaels and MacElroy.
These same-gendered sensations have taken
centre ice in the hearts of millions of skating fans everywhere.
They've literally taken this sport by storm.
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
He's been staring at a pack of gum for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
I'm on my way.
Taxi!
World Wintersport Games. And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
-Hey, Stranz. -Hi.
Skaters, please clear the ice in preparation for the pairs competition.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
See, your days of stealing the spotlight are over.
You crazy bastard!
Damn it.
What are you doing?
You are evil. Pure evil!
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
And most of all, your sister.
Don't even think about putting us in the same league.
If she was half the woman I was, she would have done her job
and slept with your partner like I told her to.
-She didn't? -No.
She couldn't, because of you.
I don't get it.
Gross. Get me out of here! Somebody help me!
Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole.
I'm late, sis. My hair is just not cooperating.
Oh, crap.
Okay.
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here?
Oh, great.
Hey, there!
What are you doing there? No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
No, please!
Let's do it, Chazz!
All right, Stranz. Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
Beautiful.
I'm coming, Chazz.
Give me your hand.
-I won't hurt you. -I'm coming for you, Chazz!
Damn it, Stranz.
Have you seen Jimmy? I can't find him anywhere.
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
And if you find him, would you tell him to get his ass down here?
I really appreciate this.
That man who's chasing us is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
Who are you supposed to be anyway? Rod Serling?
JFK.
-It's gonna make sense. -No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
That's lame.
Try to get through that!
Don't make me kill her.
Snowflake!
From the United States,
the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
So, the favourites, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
now taking the ice.
As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
they'll be dramatising a forbidden romance, Jim.
I take pride in the words, "lch bin ein Berliner!"
Calling for preparation on ice of the United States team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
Well, that was an interesting take on American history.
Indeed. I think it's worth noting,
the fantastic attention to detail this pair has demonstrated.
An absolutely seamless use of props integrated into choreography,
that is both physically impressive and artistically moving.
A rare ballet of ice and history.
And those scores keep Stranz and Fairchild in first place,
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time? Where's Chazz?
Where the hell you been?
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds, I have to disqualify you.
I know, I know.
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over. Damn it. Just like that.
Coach, he'll be here.
Skaters to the ice.
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
Jimmy MacElroy stands alone at centre ice.
And you have to wonder what is going on.
Well, this is Rice without Montana.
Ali without Frazier. Han Solo without Chewbacca.
Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
Chazz!
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
-I know! -We didn't even get to second base.
Well, maybe I did.
What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful.
Okay, we can discuss that later!
You kind of have to be down here right now
or we're gonna be disqualified!
Katie is not a whore!
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
Okay! Okay!
-Skaters to the ice. -Hold on!
Ten seconds to disqualification.
Wow.
Yeah!
Wow! A dramatic entrance for Chazz Michael Michaels.
I'm okay!
I'm all right!
I'm okay.
And there's another unique Michaels skill.
Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to.
And women's skating champion
Sasha Cohen catches Michaels'jock strap.
I love you, Chazz!
-I made it. -I knew you would.
Let's capture the dream.
Capture the... I love it. Where'd you come up with that?
-I have no idea where I came up with it. -Cool.
-Let's kick some ice. -Okay.
Well, Scott, the boys seem to be using a science fiction theme tonight.
Fitting, considering these two men may very well be the future of the sport.
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
It's like these two men did beam in from outer space,
to flip this sport inside out.
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
And they hit it beautifully!
Everything they do is drenched in drama.
Side-by-side skate clashes.
And more sparks! Look at the athleticism here!
No other pair in the world could do this!
Fireworks display in Montreal.
Incredible.
What are you doing?
We're freestyling. You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
We didn't practise that.
Do it for Katie. Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
Michaels and MacElroy turn up the thermostat.
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
It's over.
All the endorsements, everything gone.
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me.
God, I have to do everything in this family.
A serious stumble in an otherwise perfect routine.
Perfection's what they need if they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
-I think I broke my ankle. -What?
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
I don't know, Scott. I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
are gonna win these judges over.
-What the hell are they doing? -Something's wrong.
I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle.
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
We'll switch places.
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
They're going for the lron Lotus, in reverse.
My God. This is happening all over again.
They're picking up speed for something spectacular.
Looks like they might be trying something
I have never seen done.
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide!
And they nail it! Unbelievable performance!
This crowd is going wild! They're on their feet!
I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
A historic event here in Montreal.
Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life.
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
-Did we win? -I don't know.
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
No. That's not her.
We got you, Mr Michaels. Let's go.
-Oh, I don't wanna die. -You'll be okay.
-I don't wanna die. -Take a huff of that. Here we go.
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
Okay, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point.
You were incredible.
Really? I thought my landing was all bad...
You've been practising.
Chazz taught me some stuff.
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
You're under arrest for the desecration of an international icon.
Snowflake.
-lt was her idea. She broke his ankle! -What?
You idiot!
I hate you.
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
And that's why I was a sex addict.
Because no one ever loved me.
But I learned something here today.
That ice doesn't belong here.
It belongs out there.
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
I never had a father, okay?
But I don't care!
Because now I've got a brother.
This is my brother!
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
And she is not a whore.
I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on.
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
Not on your life.
Thank you.
Jimmy, you did it! The gold medal, baby! You did it!
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
Thank you.
I've got something I wanna show you. I had it done last weekend.
That's you, the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again.
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
-Welcome to the pack. -Thanks.
Let's get outta here.
-Now? -Yeah.
USA!
The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz,
thanks to Hector's idea!
We did it, Hector!
Boom! We sure did.
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
Where is Hector?
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Hector?
Can you give me a time-out here with Chazz?
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
No. I'm fine.
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
Hey. Chazz?
What is it? Boom.
I just wanna say you guys are partners now.
I've been friends with him forever,
and you take good care of him.
I will. Boom.
He just, he loves food.
And he likes dreams and whispers
and his favourite movie is Short Circuit
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
And just watch over him. All right?
I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five.
God bless you.
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
What you guys were talking about?
Just stuff, you know.
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
I just wanna say keep dreaming
because there's a lot of dreams to be had.
USA.