Mrs. Ross! Good morning!
Students, parents, and beloved faculty,
it is now the time to introduce a young man who we are very proud as...
I am very proud to know as the valedictorian of this class:
Herbert H. Heebert.
I am very glad that you choose me!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes our graduation exercises.
Ma! Ma! Oh, Ma!
Ma! Ma!
- Ma! - Herbert!
Ma! Oh, Ma! Ma!
Herbert!
Ma!
Oh, Herbert!
Herbert!
You scared me. I had to go get my coat, I知 sorry.
Just think, Mother, Father, today is the day.
Oh, I can't wait to go see Faith and discuss our wedding plans.
Just think, tomorrow, my childhood sweetheart will be my aging wife.
I値l go get her and I値l be back. Faith! Faith!
Faith!
Oh, Faith.
Ma!
My life is shattered.
The girl I waited for all my life didn't wait for me.
I知 going away from here. From her and from girls. I hate girls.
I知 gonna be a bachelor.
I値l be alone all my life.
Pa!
Why did this ever happen to my Herbert?
Pa, Pa. Ma, Ma.
I値l never hum again.
Oh, Philip, look what happened to that child.
Oh, my baby.
Oh, my child.
Yes, and what can I do for you?
Well, I知 answering the ad in the paper about the job and I just...
- Oh, goody! - Oh, goody, nothing.
You keep your hands off me!
Oh, bonsoir, you are the American for the job.
I love you, ch駻i.
What are you, crazy, lady?
I知 safe!
Oh, I知 safe. Oh, I知 so glad I知 safe.
I知 safe. You don't know what I致e been going through.
Now, we might as well start with... Oh, yes, oh, what's your name?
Mine's Katie. Actually, sometimes people call me Kay, sometimes Kathy.
My real name, of course, is Katharine.
But it's so funny, though, sometimes you'd never believe it,
they call me Katharine, I don't even know it's my own name,
I forget to answer. But sometimes they call me Katie the Cook,
that's because I cook here, besides a lot of other things
that I do as well. But it's so funny, I tell you, when they call me Katharine,
lots of times I can't tell the difference and I don't answer.
But Katie I always answer to.
Kay, Kathy, it really doesn't make any difference,
you know how nicknames are. They're really very funny.
Because you can't ever tell what a person's gonna call you sometimes,
even Katie the Cook. But then I...
Herbert!
- Herbert H. Heebert is my name. - Herbert H. Heebert.
- What's the H stand for? - Herbert.
No, no, I mean the other H.
No, that's the same like the other part.
Your name is Herbert Herbert?
Heebert.
How in the world did that happen?
Well, I think it started many years ago. As a child, I was very stubborn.
My mother used to yell out of the window, "Herbert. Herbert!"
I never answered the first time, so it stuck with me.
Herbert Herbert Heebert. I got a T on both sides and the middle is a T...
- Herbert Herbert. - Oh, well, I...
I got a pair of Herberts in front of my Heebert.
Well, that's a very interesting name you have there.
Now, do you have any references?
Oh, yeah.
It was there all the time in the first pocket.
- You wanna read this? - Yeah.
"To whom it may concern: This is to introduce Herbert H. Heebert,
"a very bright, intelligent, smart, and cute young man who is quite witty,
"and kind and honest and works like a son of a gun, if he gets paid.
"He is willing, able and a swell kid.
"He does all the things that are expected of him.
"Besides, he's also very smart, and works like a son of a gun.
"And he will do all he can to help. He has the only respect that's highest,
"and he's cuter than anybody and smart as a whip.
"Besides being quite bright, he could be considered a swell chap
"and works like a son of a gun. "
When did you write that, Herbert?
Last night. I didn't have any, so I figured I壇 make one.
Oh, that's nice. Did you go to school?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Milltown Junior College, I just graduated.
Well, you don't seem very thrilled about that.
I don't know. That was one of the saddest days of my life.
Why, that's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.
- What happened? - I know. I know, I know.
Well, it's a pretty long story, but if you'd like to hear it, I...
Oh, yes, I want very much to hear it.
Well, as you probably guessed by now...
...I come from a comparatively small town.
Milltown, New Jersey.
Graduation day was beautiful and wonderful.
At least until I went to find Faith.
Faith.
Faith was my girl. Faith Templeton.
And when I saw what I saw...
...that was the moment I knew I hated girls.
Because there, right before my very baby-blue eyes,
was a girl with another person.
And then I decided that my life was over and a bachelor I shall be.
Woe is me. Oh, Faith? Faith. Why?
That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
Oh, Herbert.
Oh, Herbert. There's just one thing I have to tell you.
Yes?
You've just gotta have faith.
What...? What...? Oh, Herbert!
Herbert! Oh, Herbert!
All I said was you have to have a little faith.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Herbert, all I meant was...
- I知 all right now. - What's happening?
Oh, Miss Welenmelon, this is Herbert.
And he wants very much to come to work here,
and I think that's just wonderful, because he's very good and so nice,
and he can start tomorrow.
Well, Herbert, you certainly have convinced Katie,
and that's good enough for me.
You know the kind of a place I have here.
We can tell him about that in the morning.
- Oh. Oh, yes. - Yeah, that will be all right.
I don't really care what kind of place. I just wanna work very hard and forget.
That's a very good idea. And I know you're gonna like it here.
And you're gonna just love him, Miss Welenmelon.
And if you don't mind, now, I値l take him up to his room
because it's very late and I知 sure he's tired.
Yeah, I was just yawning when she said that.
Well, Katie, if he's all right with you, he's all right with me.
Oh, thank you, Miss Cellosmellow. I知 gonna get my suitcase.
No, wait, just wait for me in the hall.
Oh, I値l take him up the back way.
We got one!
We've got one, all right.
- Well, now, this is your room, Herbert. - Oh, it's very nice.
Thank you. You see, this was Miss Welenmelon's
and Mr. Welenmelon's home before he passed on,
and rather than sell it just because it was too big for her,
she decided to rent out the rooms
and that way she wouldn't be alone.
It's a very good idea.
Being alone, you know, can be very lonely.
But at least with people around, then you can be lonely with noise.
Lonely with noise.
Well, you better get to bed and get some rest
because it is very late, and I値l see you first thing in the morning
and then we can discuss your chores.
Oh, Katie. Thank you very much. I think I値l be very happy here.
Well, if nothing else, I think it'll prove to be very interesting.
Nighty-night.
It痴 a soft bed.
The time, early.
The weather, cool.
This evening, nutty.
Tomorrow, nice.
Good morning
Herbert
Good morning
Herbert
Well, Herbert, don't just stand there. Haven't you anything to say?
Ma.
Ma!
Ma! Ma!
Who's there? Don't answer that, I don't care.
Just go away, I知 scared and that's it.
It痴 me, Herbert. Miss Welenmelon.
Yeah, well, you go away. You misled me.
And I don't wanna go live in no harem, particularly in my condition.
Now, now, Herbert. Please don't be concerned.
Yeah, well, there's plenty to be concerned about.
I ran down there, and...
I guess I didn't have enough stuff to bolt me.
I知 surprised at you, Herbert.
Your actions certainly weren't those of a gentleman.
Well, how do you expect me to act like a gentleman?
I walked smack dab into a ladies' room.
Oh, Herbert, I know how you feel.
Katie told me about your problem. But you've got to take hold of yourself.
Yeah, you're right, or they will.
Now, now, come along and meet the ladies,
and you'll see how ridiculous this whole thing is.
It is? Well, you lay one hand on me and I値l report you
to the child labor board. I知 leaving and that's final.
I値l not try to stop you.
OK.
Well, gee whiz, I don't want you should cry. Let me think a minute.
What should I do? Should I stay...?
I gotta think harder.
Should I stay or not?
Oh, all right. I値l stay, but only on one condition:
I値l stay as long as it takes you to get another boy.
Oh, you're a doll, Herbert. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
And the girls will be happy too.
Yeah, well, you just tell them they can look but they can't touch.
All right, Herbert. Now, don't you worry about a thing.
Come along and we'll get you some breakfast.
Well, there's plenty to worry about with a lot of girls. I don't mind telling you.
I never saw so many girls. There's a whole bunch of them.
- I got scared... - Herbert!
Now, you listen to me. You go into that dining room in there,
and at the back of the room you'll see the door that
will take you upstairs to the kitchen, and you have some breakfast.
Kitchen upstairs? I don't have to work up an appetite,
I don't eat breakfast in the morning anyway.
You know what they say about breakfast.
Yeah, they say it's the most important meal you can eat in the morning.
- But I don't eat breakfast all the time. - What?
- Well, I didn't mean nothing by that. - Remember,
- Miss Welenmelon knows best. - Yes, you do.
So I値l go in and I値l have just half a welen, is that all right?
- Now, you do that. - OK, then I値l go.
- And, Herbert. Now, listen. - Yes.
Go along Go along
OK
Girls.
Come, come, come, come. Come on, come on.
Now, look and listen carefully.
This is a very nice boy.
He's had a couple of heart tugs
and he's pretty set against women at this time,
but there is one way we can keep him.
It痴 simple. He likes to help.
He doesn't know at this moment, I don't think, how to say no.
And I believe that he likes to be needed.
Miss Melonwelen told me to come in and have breakfast.
And I don't... I said to her, "I don't... "
You see where my hand is?
- It痴 on the toaster. - Yeah.
And it's hot!
- Take it off. - It痴 stuck!
That's pain. Oh, hurt, hurt. There's hurt in pain.
Would you just lift my hand off?
Just lift it up.
Katharine. Oh.
Katharine, Miss Welenmelon wanted me to tell you that Herby is to have...
Herbert. Herbert.
Herbert. H-E-R-B-E-R-T is Herbert.
How do you spell Herbert? Not Y, Herby.
It痴 Herbert, Bert, Bert, call me Bert. Just not Herby. Herbert.
- That Herbert is to have his breakfast. - I値l see to it.
I was telling Miss...
...the lady, I don't need no breakfast, I never ever have...
If you don't do what Miss Welenmelon tells you to do, why, she'll have a fit.
- A fit? - A real fit.
- A fit? - A fit like you wouldn't believe.
- That's some fit. - A real fit.
- I壇 better be careful. - You better be very careful.
- Should I watch it? - A lot.
Now, don't overdo it...
...but if you see that he's weakening in any way at all,
ask for something.
Make him feel wanted and important.
And in this way, I think we'll have one fine houseboy a little longer
than the normal three days. OK?
That's all.
See you tonight.
This is just the best thing in the world for a growing boy.
Forget it, lady. Will you forget it?
I let you talk me into this ridiculous chair
because I felt sorry for you. You had it fixed up and all.
I can't do this, this is... I don't eat no breakfast, I told...
I don't wanna eat. Is that...? I知 getting out of here.
- There you go. - You got one in, huh?
- See, that's all right. - That's it, there's no more.
- Now, let me ask you... - No, this is ridiculous.
- If anyone walked in and... - What is an animal...?
- The biggest...? - An animal? The biggest is an ox.
- There you are. - I thought I got away.
- No, that's wonderful. - You just took care of my sweater.
- Now, just open there... - Look, I don't need this.
- Oh, there... - You missed, you missed.
No, you missed now, Herbert.
- You've got to have it... - You missed.
- Why, I never... - You missed my mouth.
- Now you say "ah" and... - No, there's no "ah". Would you aim?
- If you... - At least give me the...
- This woman is out of her mind. - But if you didn't move around...
I知 not moving! Well...
At least you got a double that time.
That's a two-bagger, Miss Melonsmelon.
Oh, would you mind just checking the beard on this side?
I don't want that! I知 getting out of the chair!
Give me one more, just for good luck. That's it.
Now, come along with me, Herbert, because Miss Welenmelon wanted me
to show you everything that you have to do, so you know your duties.
Now, here's the phone.
- That's one of them? - That's the only phone.
The only phone in such a big mansion?
Oh, yes, for a very good reason.
- It痴 cheaper? - No.
Oh, then it's less expensive than having a lot of phones.
Yeah.
- Oh, Herbert, you're so cute. - Well...
Now, when a phone call comes in, you get to the girl it's for
as quickly as you can so she can answer it,
have her conversation, hang up, so then it'll be available for others.
So then I can run up and down the stairs a lot of more times.
- Come on. - Wonderful.
Now, here, of course, is the gaming table you must keep very clean.
- I love solitaire. - Herbert, there is no time for this,
- you've lots to do. Come on, come on. - All right.
I just like to play that a lot, whenever I get a chance.
Oh, this is terrific. This is a dizzy staircase.
Now, here is the rare butterfly collection
that belonged to Mr. Welenmelon.
Oh, that's lovely. I like that. I like birds and bees and bugs that fly, and things.
Say, that's a Bluetooth Merkdekker.
- You know about butterflies? - Oh, I was once a botany.
I think this one belongs to the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker family.
And this blue one is a Gray-tailed Blue.
And in the center, you have a Greenfly Worst.
It痴 a worsted wing. You see, the wing is on the end,
some are shorter than the other. The wing gives the sound of the:
- when it flies. - It makes that sound?
- Oh, that's wonderful. - That's when it's sick, but:
- when it's flying good. - Oh, that's wonderful.
This is a very lovely species here. This was once a frog.
- A frog turned into a butterfly? - Well, it forced itself.
- I don't know, I never found out. - Amazing.
- Wonderful. Now, now, Herby. - Yes?
Once or twice a week, this case must be very carefully dusted.
- I値l touch it very care... - You have to be careful, understand?
I値l do it from a distance. Another room, maybe.
Oh, well, that's good. Now, you wait right here for me,
because I have to go see if Baby's all right.
All right.
She has a baby?
That's a good Baby.
Very good Baby.
Oh, what a darling.
Oh. Oh, you never touch this.
Never touch this gorgeous antique collection of Mr. Welenmelon's.
Been in the family for 50 years. Put it back.
Gentle!
You got glue?
Oh, but I... Here, this is good.
Oh, but don't feel bad. Don't... Don't...
Don't feel bad.
No, wait. Don't, please. We'll fix it.
Oh, Herbert, Herbert.
I just talked to Miss Welenmelon
and I told her that that glass collection was so dusty,
I just had to have it sent out to be cleaned.
Oh, thank you very much, Kathy.
I appreciate that because I was scared that she'd be mad on me.
Oh, you don't ever have to worry about her being angry
- as long as you do your work well. - Yeah.
So if you'll...
If you'll just go and feed Baby, I値l appreciate it very much.
Baby? Oh, yeah, oh, I値l do that.
But after the baby is fed, I mean, will you be available?
Because I don't know about burping that thing.
Oh, for heaven's sake, no.
- Baby is not a baby. - No?
Baby is Miss Welenmelon's pet.
Oh. Oh, I was wondering how... Yeah.
- Oh, that's good, I知 glad. - A baby.
Oh, you're such a dear, young, naive Herby.
- Herbert. - Herbert.
Oh, Baby's the dearest little darling in all the world.
Oh, we just love that funny little thing.
I hope you like animals, do you?
Oh, I like pets, yeah.
I had a pet once.
A goldfish, Marvin.
I was very attached to it and it was attached to me and...
I never thought I壇 really get over losing Marvin.
Oh, that's a shame.
What happened?
Oh, well.
As I said, we were very attached.
One night, I was going to bed and I didn't want Marvin to be lonesome,
just sloshing around in the water.
So I took Marvin to bed with me, to spend the night,
and in the morning, he just laid there.
Oh, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin.
Herbert, Herbert, Herbert.
Oh, I知 all right now.
Oh, you... You mustn't cry, Herbert.
Well, you know, I get choked up when I think about Marvin.
Yeah, but you mustn't. You mustn't.
Don't you see? This is your chance
to make a brand-new friend, and Baby is such a darling.
All right. I値l... I値l feed it and make friends with it.
Oh, good. Now, if you'll just go
- and get his milk. - But I have to dust some more.
That's all right, I値l take care of it for you.
- All right. - And then remember,
in about an hour, he gets his meat.
- I値l see you when you're all through. - He gets his meat in an hour.
First, I値l bring him his milk. Thank you very much, Katie.
Right.
Imagine that. A goldfish.
Marvin?
Oh, but he's sweet.
What am I knocking? A pet can't answer the door.
That's Baby?
That's a Baby, boy.
That's a Baby, boy!
Oh, that's some Baby, boy.
I値l feed him his meat.
Get on the milk and slide. That's good meat.
This is some tidbit, boy.
I don't believe it.
That's some Baby.
What a Baby!
Ohh, I shur wish ah had to ta ma ole
an never really founa bodacious ma owe ya, has nu?
They just told me to deliver...
She said that she is very glad that you took the time out
to come up and bring her the mail,
and that if in any way she can show her appreciation, please do call on her.
And that she just doesn't think there are enough
people in the world nowadays doing things for each other.
And besides that, she likes you very much.
Come along, dear. Come on.
I don't know that.
Oh, it's from him. It痴 from him.
You don't understand. He wrote.
He actually sat down and wrote. He wrote...
In a second.
Oh, come on in. Come on, come on.
Mail for me? Aren't you sweet. And swell too.
I think you're so sweet, honest.
You see, I so rarely get any mail and I知 so happy.
And I repeat, you are a sweet, swell sweetie-face.
Well, thanks very much. Here you are.
There's three of them for you.
Thank you.
Sweet, swell, what a nut!
Thanks for the mail Now, baby, let's wail
Herby. Herby, come over here.
No. No, Herby.
We never knock on that door.
We never...
- ... bother Miss Cartilage. - We don't?
You just go right along now and deliver the mail in the next room.
Thank you, Herbert.
Yes? And to what do I owe the honor of this visit?
Pray, could it be that you are torn inside out since our last meeting?
No. I just came to deliver the mail.
Oh, excuse me, kid. I kind of got carried away a little.
You see, I知 rehearsing for a part.
Oh, yeah, what part?
Any old part.
Nothing definite.
I just want to be prepared in case something comes along.
- Oh. - As a matter of fact...
...would you mind helping me rehearse a little?
And what do you want I should do?
I値l close the door. You knock on it.
I値l answer it, and then you can tell me if it's effective.
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
OK, I値l try that out.
You! You dare come back after leaving me and the baby!
I don't believe it.
How was that one? Pretty good, huh?
Oh, yeah, that was very good.
Let's do another one now.
Only this time, don't knock.
I値l just kind of feel you there.
Yeah, well, could you feel a little easier this time?
- OK. - Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Gee, it's good to see you again.
- I missed you. - I like this scene.
It痴 been a long time.
What am I, crazy or something?
Even talking to you after not hearing from you for such a long time!
Now, you stay out of my life once and for all!
I got it again.
Say, you're wonderful.
You really bring out the best in me.
I壇 hate to see the worst in you, lady.
To be perfectly truthful with you, I don't wanna play-act no more.
I wish you the very best of luck,
and I think you'll make a very terrific lion-tamer.
Whatever I make, I wanna thank you.
You're a doll.
Oh, I lost a cheek now.
Oh, my skin of my back is caught in the crack of the door. Lady.
Lady. Open.
Hello...
...you great, big, beautiful...
...blond male specimen of sheer delight.
- Blond? - What's on your mind,
except wanting to press your lips to mine
and wandering off into ecstasy land with me?
- Blond? - Or is the sight of me
throwing you so badly that you cannot speak?
Oh, I can speak, yeah.
I just brought your mail.
Ma!
Oh, Ma!
Girls! Herbert's leaving! Stop him!
Is it a book? A movie.
- Quotations. - Quotations.
How many words?
- Ten. Twenty. - Twenty-three.
Good evening.
Will you come in, sir?
Is there anything I can do for you, sir? Anything at all?
Yeah, kid. Get out of my way.
Is there anything I can get for you, anything I can do for you or anything?
Look, skinny, I come to see my girl. She's...
I forgot to find out which one that you wanted to see and I ran out, sir.
- Look, stupid. - No, Herbert.
- Stupid. - Herbert.
- Stupid! - Stupid Herbert, that's right, that's me.
That's better.
Well, you shouldn't get upset, man.
Because, mister, I don't know the girls, see.
- And that's why I ran back. - It痴 a good thing you don't know her.
I don't want you to know her.
I don't want you to even look at her.
No, I won't even ever look at her.
What's the matter, she's not good enough for you?
Oh, she's good enough for anybody.
- What? - I didn't mean nothing by that.
What do you want from my arm? I didn't mean that.
I mean, I don't wanna know her, I don't wanna talk.
I won't do none of those things.
Just tell me who it is and I値l go get her for you, that's all.
Her name is Gwendolyn Pearce.
All right, Gwendolyn Pearce. I値l tell her.
And who should I say is calling?
- Willard C. Gainesborough. - All right.
The C is for killer.
I was a little afraid that it could've been that.
- Now, beat it! - I知 gonna...
And remember... don't look at her.
- No, I won't look at her. - Don't talk to her.
I won't talk to her.
- Don't get close to her. - I won't get even close to her.
- Don't get near her. - No, I won't get near her.
I値l wave to her from another girl. I値l write a note that he's here, so...
Because if I catch you getting even close to her, it's over for you.
- Over? - You hear me?
- Over. O-V-U-R, over. - That's over.
I was never so scared of anything,
I値l nev... It'll be over because I値l never touch nothing or any... Never...
Herbert. Herbert.
- I just spoke with Miss Welenmelon - I don't understand this.
- and I am so very proud of you. - This man says, I should go
- She said that she is terribly pleased - and call the girl, but not to talk to her.
- with the way you're doing your work. - But what girl?
- You are living proof of the old saying: - Miss Gwendolyn Pearce.
- "Good people are good things to be. " - How do I call her? I said I壇 call her.
I値l tell one of the other girls or something like that.
His middle name is C. The C stands for killer.
So if I do like he says, then maybe I won't get in trouble.
I think she kissed me. Oh, gee.
Hey.
- May I help you, sir? - You sure can.
Where's that skinny, unglued, crew-cut cat that went after my date?
Oh, you mean Herby.
I mean, Herbert.
He is probably looking for her, and undoubtedly will be right down.
- That man who's your date... - Thank you very much, Herbert.
Tell him I値l be right down.
Well, where's my girl?
- Oh, well, I just wanted to tell you... - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- You went up to get my girl, right? - Yeah.
- You didn't get close to her, right? - No.
- You didn't get even near her, right? - That's right.
Now you come downstairs, you got lipstick on your face.
- Oh, that's not... When I... - Hold it!
I don't believe it.
Do you know you're sitting on my hat?
Do you know that's my brand-new hat?
Do you know that you better get up and give me my hat?
Maybe we can get it weaved.
Fix the hat.
Put it on my head.
I don't like it that way.
Is that all right?
No.
Would you like it that way?
No, I think it would be good...
Like that?
Should I start it over?
Do something.
I don't like it that way.
Oh, my hair.
Comb my hair.
That's better.
Put the hat on my head.
What did you do to the lining?
I like the brim down.
Not all the way down.
I値l get that off.
You'd better.
Is that good now?
I can't see out of my left eye now.
Get the hat off!
- I know, I値l just... - Comb it again.
Yeah, OK.
How's that?
Fix it right.
That's better.
Thank you. There's just... Can I get that strand hanging?
Please do.
That's my eyebrow.
No, what happened to my hat?
Darling. I see you've met Herby.
Yeah.
Yeah, I met Herby.
I値l fix...
Look at me. Look at how I look.
Look at how I look.
What are you doing?
Herbert. Not that room.
Katie!
- Hi. - Oh, no.
- Oh, but...
- No! - Oh, but I...
- No! No! - Oh, but, I wouldn't...
Was it something I said?
Say, kid, why do you look so strange?
I don't know. I looked like that from the first day I was born.
Say, tell me something.
Did you ever see someone that you thought you met before?
I値l be a son of a gun.
That's what I was just thinking that very minute that you said that.
- You're kidding. - No, I was saying to myself just now,
"Herbert"... That's my name, Herbert.
"Did you ever see someone that you thought you saw...?"
I thought I saw you before. Did I meet you here some time?
Well, very honestly, kid, you probably saw one of my pictures.
That's it, yeah. Up on one of the girls' dressers I must have saw it.
No, one of my films on the screen.
Oh, you mean in a newsreel? You were in an accident?
No, no, kid.
Look, don't you ever go to movies?
Yeah, all the time. I love to go to movies.
I go special to see the cops and robbers.
One time, I just want to see the robbers win, once.
Well, in that case you must have seen one of my movies.
I致e always played the ga... the robber, who's been trying to win for years.
But you know how it is, crime doesn't pay.
But really... Are you in the movies, really?
A movie star?
That's what I致e been trying to tell you.
I知 George Raft.
Yeah?
You are, huh?
Then you would know and prove it by telling me,
what was the name of the movie you was in where you flipped the coin?
Scarface. Satisfied?
No, because anybody would know the name of that movie.
Show it to me by proving that you can flip the coin.
- Oh, this is getting ridiculous. - Chicken.
No, I知 not chicken. I値l prove it.
George Raft, huh?
So good you aren't with a coin, right, Mr. Raft?
What's the matter, wise guy?
Anybody can miss.
- I知 not infallible. - And you're not George Raft, either.
Look, I知 George Raft.
Please believe me.
Look, aside from playing robbers on the screen,
I used to do a lot of dancing in my pictures, right?
Yeah, well, I saw him do some of that dancing, yeah.
All right, then give me your hand and you be the girl.
Forget it, there's no being no girl. I don't wanna know who you are.
There's no dancing, plus the fact I can't follow.
Please dance with me, won't you?
All right, just once.
I値l put on the phonograph and see...
Oh, I値l put it on. You stay right here.
I致e never done this before.
Hello, Fay. You all right?
I知 sorry, Herbert, I didn't see you. Yes, I知 fine.
Yeah, you're fine, all right.
You're a fine fibber.
Well...
...to be perfectly honest, I知 not so fine.
I had an audition and...
I壇 rather not talk about it, if you don't mind.
Oh, no... I don't mind if you don't want to talk about it.
You didn't get it, huh?
No, I didn't...
...and I guess I never will.
Well, you certainly won't if you say you won't.
You gotta learn, Fay, you have to think negative.
- You mean positive. - Yeah, positively.
I mean, that's what I meant, to think that way.
Because, I mean, really,
you can't expect a stranger that meets you just for a moment
to think any more of you than you think of yourself,
after knowing you for so long.
Right?
I guess you're right, Herbert.
But I get so depressed sometimes.
I don't know if I can explain it...
...but I always feel...
...that there isn't anyone in the world but me.
That everyone else has gone to a happier place and...
...it just isn't my turn yet.
I don't know, does that sound silly?
No, it doesn't sound silly, except...
...it sounds silly.
Well, no, what I mean to say is that,
I think the only time you should feel that way
is when you know no one cares for you.
And as long as there are those that care for you,
you shouldn't feel that way.
I don't know of anyone who really cares for me.
Well, I care for you, Fay, and I知 an anyone.
Oh, that is nice, Herbert.
And you're nice.
And I hope we're not imposing.
Oh, of course not.
And it certainly didn't take you people long
getting around to paying me that visit we discussed.
Oh, well, we do things quickly, Miss Welenmelon.
Oh, I知 terribly sorry. This is my associate Miss Reed.
She's in charge of research and information.
Well, I知 very happy to know you, Miss Reed.
Oh, thank you, Miss Welenmelon,
and it really is a delight to finally meet you.
I loved watching you years ago when I went to the opera with my dad.
He was one of your biggest fans.
Yes, and there were many, many more fans that would love seeing you again.
You know, on our telecast, we play to over 50 million people in one night.
Fifty million?
- Isn't that right, Miss Reed? - Yes, 50 million people.
My heavens.
Well, how does your program work? Is it done in your studio?
Well, no, no, not actually.
You see, what we really do is to bring the cameras and the crew to you.
In your home.
That's why the show is called Up Your Street.
Well, it certainly sounds exciting.
And I would love doing it.
Oh, Mr. Zousman, isn't that just divine?
That's just wonderful.
Now, Miss Reed will fill you in, and we'll be ready in no time at all.
All right, fellas, coffee break's over! Back to work!
Thirty-one.
Hold, hold it, hold it. Watch this cable over here.
The cable. That guy has the cable.
- Watch the cable. - Whoops.
Magneto head.
Hey! Hey, kid!
Hey, you up there!
I want to see if my panel is working yet.
Will you say something into the microphone for me?
- Now? - Oh, just a second.
OK.
Come in, Tracy. Pear Shape. Over.
Geronimo!
Are you all right, man?
Was that too loud?
Wait.
Mister?
Oh, mister, I知 sorry.
I知 awfully sorry. Here, let me get you up.
Wow, you really fell into that thing. Are you all right, mister?
You OK?
I知 sor... Are you all right?
But are you all right?
I知... O... K!
All right, five minutes, five minutes, everybody!
Let's look sharp. Five minutes to airtime.
Hey, will somebody up there give me a test on this?
Geronimo!
Let me see so I can...
- Herbert! - You look great!
Yeah, I知 very, very... I dressed up. I just dressed up.
When are we gonna be on television, when?
Hello, New York. This is a test.
Eight seconds.
This is five.
Good evening. This is Del Moore.
May I once again welcome you to the show that doesn't come from a studio,
a show that wasn't made in some far-off land,
a show that can and does come from Up Your Street.
And here, folks, is your host for Up Your Street,
Westbrook Van Voorhis. Mr. Van Voorhis.
Good evening.
Tonight we are going to visit two outstanding personalities.
One from the world of old show business
and one from the world of sports.
Our sports figure is none other than Audrey Whitefish,
the little 123-pound, red-haired lass from Dublin,
who is the first lady ever to swim the Mississippi River, lengthwise.
And the other personality,
a favorite of mine for years, and I知 sure a favorite of yours,
Miss Helen N. Welenmelon.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a long time since Miss Welenmelon retired,
and I知 sure you'll be as thrilled to see her once again as I will.
And we can then tell the story of what she's been doing all these years,
and why.
All right, 30 seconds!
Gosh, that's marvelous!
- Excuse me. - Sorry.
I壇 just like to check but there's a lamp there.
Ten seconds.
All right, get ready, we're coming out of commercial.
Miss Welenmelon, I知 so excited and glad. You're gonna be on television.
If you're gonna mention my name, just say it's Herbert H. Heebert,
and it's Milltown Junior College, and I知 much taller in person.
Hello, America! I知 so glad for you.
You're gonna be a famous person. They'll see you in person.
And here she is, Miss Helen N. Welenmelon.
Oh, I think they said your name.
They said your name...
And a good evening to you,
Mr. Van Voo... Van Voorhis.
I am most happy to have you on Up Your Street.
I don't know where he came from, but she's trying to be polite to him.
Helen N. Welenmelon.
Well, it certainly has been a very exciting...
...and a most delightful experience...
...preparing for this electronic meeting...
- My button's stuck on your carnation. - ... with you, Mr. Van Voorhis.
And we, too, have been excited about seeing you again, as I said before.
My button is stuck on her flower.
Tell me, Miss Welenmelon...
...being as curious as I know the viewers are...
I got free just then.
What about the size of the big house you occupy?
Would you mind telling us about that?
Tell him.
Not at all, Mr. Van Voorhis.
- I... You see... - They're calling me.
...when the late Mr. Welenmelon and I were married,
we wanted to have a lot of children,
that is, a large family, is what I really meant to say.
But unfortunately...
...Mr. Welenmelon was taken from me just shortly after we were married.
So we really didn't have much of a chance, you see.
Yes, indeed I do.
But we happen to know that you do have many children actually,
do you not?
Yes, I do, Mr. Van Voorhis.
And I知 quite sure, due to modesty, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Welenmelon hesitates to tell us
something we kind of found out in our own sneaky little way:
That she went through a pretty rough time of it when she started out,
and therefore gives room and board to the ladies
that are trying to do the very same thing
she tried and succeeded in doing, many, many years ago.
Well, thank you for the kind words, Mr. Van Voorhis,
but you know the old saying, "The...
"The giver gets and the taker has and the receiver wants. "
Yes, indeed I do. But first,
a little surprise we have for you, Miss Welenmelon.
Your number one helper, Herbert Heebert, and some of the girls,
put on a little performance before our cameras this morning,
which we will now show you.
If you hate wine
Don't go to Paris
Asleep by nine
Don't go to Paris
If there'll be no Mimi or Louisa
Pass it by Don't apply for a visa
If love's a bore
Don't go to Paris
Behind each door
You'll find romance
Better go somewhere else
Don't take a chance
For if you want a place that's quiet
And you're living on a diet
Stay away from France
Sans boire du vin
N'allez pas � Paris
Entre chaque porte
On trouve ce qu'on veut
Si votre coeur a vieilli
Don't take a chance
But if you like to live a trifle
Having fun beneath the Eiffel
Come with me
To France
We really hate to cut the kids' show, but unfortunately, as you know,
there is still a great deal for us to do.
So may we take a quick look
at the rest of your lovely home, Miss Welenmelon?
Yes, indeed, Mr. Van Voorhis. Won't you come this way?
Oh, Miss Welenmelon, we're still on television. I知 glad!
I知 sorry, I didn't know that you were busy.
This is... Oh, excuse me.
This is my glasses.
- This is the elevator, Mr. Van Voorhis. - Yeah, this is the elevator.
- It takes us from floor to floor. - Floor to floor.
And in a house this size, you know...
You have to have a large...
And good night from Up Your Street.
I can't do it. You better show me again.
It痴 all that lipstick that makes it bad.
There's not much. I知 sorry.
All right, now, listen, Herbert.
"Red roses ruin regular reasons rightly read reading. "
Now say that.
"Red roses ruin regular reasons. "
Red roses... Red roses ruin regular reasons.
- Redden roses? - No.
- Red roses ruin regular reasons. - Red roses...
"Now, please practice playing pool politely, poorly, proudly. "
Hi, honey.
What is that? It痴 mov...
Boy, what imagination can do for you.
Ma!
Early in the morning Work, work, work
Early in the morning Do not shirk
Rum pum pum
Miss Welenmelon.
Oh, Miss Welenmelon. Miss...
Oh, Welenmelon. Miss Welenmelon. Miss Welenmelon.
Katie?
Baby's loose!
Baby's what?
Say Baby ain't.
Baby. Hurry up, Baby. Come on, Baby, where are you?
Say that ain't true. Say it's a lie, Baby ain't.
Baby... Oh!
Oh, it's true.
Where Baby?
I知 scared!
All right, Baby. Baby!
Come on, Baby. Come here, Baby. Come here, Baby.
Come on, Baby, where are you? We're looking everywhere for you.
Save me from that thing.
Is it out there?
Nice Baby.
Oh, I知 scared to death.
- Oh, Herby, Herby, Herby. - It痴 Herbert, Herbert, Herbert.
And just what, may I ask, is so funny?
You are, Herbert. Now, why don't you just simmer down and relax.
- Baby won't hurt you. - Yeah, but does Baby know that?
Just as soon as I can find him, I値l show you how harmless he is.
There you are.
- Where? - There he is, right behind you.
I don't believe it!
Oh, Baby.
Now, where were you? You come right on out here.
Well, come on. Yeah, that's good. Come on.
Good. That's a good dog.
Oh! Oh! Get it away.
That's gonna bite again.
That... I wouldn't...
I知... That thing bit me.
I知... It attacked me from...
I wasn't even ready.
And I知 a coward.
Gee, I知 sorry I知 late, kids. Have any of you seen Herby around?
- No. - Why, you doing Macbeth tonight?
No, smart aleck.
The heel broke on my shoe,
and I just wanted him to go to the shoemaker
and get it fixed before it closes.
Oh, and when you find him, will you tell him to pick up my TV set?
I left it at the repair shop.
I don't know what we did until Herby came along.
He irons sheets for me like you don't believe.
Whoever got that idea to make him feel needed
every time he wanted to leave, ought to get a medal.
It works every time.
Are you all finished?
Does anybody need Herbert for anything else?
I wonder if any of you have ever really needed Herbert,
just to sit down and talk to.
Well, I did.
He's really very...
...smart.
And very nice too.
He'd make a wonderful guy for some girl...
...if she really needed him.
I think we should all be very ashamed at having deceived him.
I値l admit it's nice to be needed, really needed.
But to tell somebody you need them
just so they'll stay around and run errands for you,
that's not so nice.
Gee, honey, I don't think anyone really meant to be unkind.
I知 sure they didn't.
And I知 sorry I made it sound that way.
Listening to your conversation...
...I just couldn't help thinking that...
...we're all a little guilty of deceiving someone we care for...
...and, more importantly...
...who cares for us.
We know you're right, Fay, but, gee, how do we keep from losing him?
You don't.
If he wants to go, let him go.
Did you ever stop to think that Herbert is tired of being needed all the time?
I値l admit it's nice, but maybe he'd really like to get out of here
and do a little something for himself.
Maybe he's tired of being a handyman for a bunch of girls.
Let him go if he wants to.
Well, so long.
I知 not going out, like to shop. It痴 just like...
For a long time.
Aloha.
And... thirty.
When the door slams, I知... my life is out of yours.
I知 lea... I知 packed to go out and I知 leaving.
So long.
As I start out, there's no stopping me now.
My feet are gonna really take me.
That's it.
Anybody...? Goodbye.
OK, well, all things have to come to an end, and that's now, the end.
So long?
Farewell and...
You sore about something?
Herbert.
We really want you to stay.
We'd be the happiest girls in the world if you'd never leave.
We didn't want to tell you we needed you just to keep you here.
Actually, we need you very much.
But not just to run errands for us.
We need you because you're a nice person.
And nice persons are needed everywhere.
We just figured that...
...you were tired of working with a bunch of girls, and that...
...maybe you'd like to go someplace else,
where you can think of yourself more.
Well, that's all very nice, what you said, and...
And to tell you the truth, and be very honest with you,
I don't really know why I was leaving.
I mean, I like it here very much, and I like everybody a lot.
And I like to be needed.
But honestly needed.
And, well, after what you just said...
...I wouldn't leave here for anything or anyone.
Oh, Herbert.
It痴 Herby. H-E-R-B-Y.
Herby.
Yeah.
It痴 just Baby.
That little...
That small dog.
It痴 got a big throat, that's all.
Baby. Where are you, sweetheart?
Baby. Sweetheart.
Little Baby.
Ma.
Ma! You see that pussycat?