Hello!
I am Greg Davies. Welcome, my friends, to Taskmaster.
Now, I'm not a vain man, quite the contrary.
I'm a man renowned for almost inhuman levels of humility.
But I don't blame the contestants'
desperation to win this trophy because...
[he gasps]
this is the single most important and beautiful
award since the beginning of time.
But who will win it?
Will it be Aisling Bea?
Bob Mortimer?
Or Mark Watson?
Or Nish Kumar?
Or Sally Phillips?
[applause]
And to my left, just look at the state of him.
It's little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
Come on, then. Explain yourself.
I've been concentrating on, uh, my look,
'cause I was worried I didn't look very cool before.
So here... here we go.
It's a bandana. I just thought maybe I could be the bandana guy.
People would think, "Oh, look, there's the bandana guy."
So I am wearing...
I don't know if you've seen it. A bandana.
[laughter]
OK. You can wear your little bandana for now.
OK.
What's today's prize category?
Good question. So, for today's prize category,
we've asked them to bring in the best thing
that they've made themselves.
Ooh.
So it's up to you, as in not the bandana guy, to choose...
[laughter]
to choose who's made the best thing,
and at the end of the episode, the contestant with the most points
will take home all the home-made things.
Wow. Now that's a motivation.
OK, let's see what you've made, then.
Nish, what have you brought in?
Well, I've made a t-shirt with all of our faces on it,
and I've called it The Taskmaster Seven.
[all] Oh!
[Nish] Look, it's all of us there. We're Photoshopped on there.
[laughter]
I called it The Taskmaster Seven, popped it on a t-shirt,
and had a very awkward conversation at a branch of Snappy Snap.
[Greg] Lovely. Lovely, lovely.
Mark, what have you brought?
I thought the best thing to do was make what I can only describe as
a 4,000-piece jigsaw of Greg's face.
Oh, God. Sorry, I think I just got a boner.
[laughter]
[Alex] Here it is.
[laughter]
So, in all fairness, it's already taken, and I did tot this up this morning,
26 hours.
[laughter and applause]
Do you want to move on to Aisling?
Yeah, I do, actually. Thanks.
- OK. - Yeah.
Well, what I like to do with people is give them sausage rolls at dinner parties.
And then just as they're leaving, I'm like,
"They were vegetarian!" [she laughs]
And it's great, and I've made the sausage rolls myself.
And they taste like meat.
We've got the vegetarian sausage roll here on the screen.
[Aisling] It doesn't look impressive, of course.
[Alex] We have one that Aisling made here, though.
[laughter]
This'll have to be impressive, because I don't care about pigs.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. - I'm happy to eat them.
[Aisling] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Nish] Oh, it's a big bite. - It does look nice.
Considering I don't give a shit about the pig,
and I would happily kill one with my bare hands,
this is actually delicious and I may allow some to live.
[laughter]
And can I also say, Taskmaster, with the greatest of respect,
it is actually made in the image of your penis when flaccid, so that's...
[laughter and applause]
So it was a vegetarian sausage roll, which is...
- In the shape of my flaccid penis. - Yeah.
Sally?
I've made a lot of things in my life,
but this, I think, is the best thing that I've ever made,
because this required no effort.
What is it?
It's a bird bath, Greg.
[Greg] You've made one?
[Sally] A bird bath.
[laughter and applause]
It's sometimes hard to work out why the audience is applauding, isn't it?
[laughter]
[Alex] One left.
Yes. Who is that?
- Er, it's Bob Mortimer. - Bob Mortimer.
- Hiya, mine is... - [Greg] Hi.
Hi. It's a sausage or pork pie presentation unit.
And I made it to encourage my children to eat the cheaper meats.
- [laughter] - The sausages and the pork pies.
This is what it looks like.
[laughter and applause]
"Can I have a sausage, daddy?" "Yes, of course you can, son."
And it travels towards them with the sausage revolving.
We can see it moving. Do you want to see it moving?
It's quite swift, though, so watch out.
[laughter and applause]
[Greg] So...
I don't know why it seems so unfair, because it's me,
but I'm gonna put Mark in last place.
[laughter]
Imagine you putting all of those man hours into making one third of my face.
- And being beaten by... - [Mark] I thought this would happen.
someone who put some plastic flowers around a toilet plunger.
Unbelievable. Fourth place.
[applause]
I really like Nish's t-shirt, but at the end of the day,
it's a t-shirt, even though I'm on it.
I'm sorry, Nish, you're crashing into third place.
Aisling, truly magnificent. Second place.
- [Sally] Woo! - Thank you.
Almost made me want to give up meat.
And then, a sort of robot thing passed my eyes,
and I thought, "Let's eat sausages."
So Bob Mortimer is the winner of the first round.
[cheers and applause]
[whirring noise]
What's next, bandana guy?
Thank you, Greg.
Well, this one's not swings and roundabouts,
but it is in the ballpark. It's in the park.
'Cause ballparks don't exist. But here it is.
Oh, Jesus.
Uh-oh.
Hello, Bob.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm fine, thank you.
Would you like a quick chat before I...
- No, thank you. - No? Thank you.
That's a relief, isn't it?
Let's see what we got here then, Alex, me old pal.
"Balance Alex."
"You have ten minutes to place your
counterweights on your end of the seesaw."
"You may not use humans to balance Alex."
"Most balanced Alex wins."
Alright, Alex. Will you get onto the seesaw for me?
No, not till... Not till you've finished.
Not till I've finished?
Oh, so I've just got to guess how much you weigh? OK.
Alright.
[applause]
Let me ask you how heavy you are.
Well, according to celebritysizes.com,
I'm about the same as Russell Crowe weighed in 2013.
[laughter]
- I'm 14 stones. - OK.
- Like Russell. - Like Russell Crowe.
And we're gonna start with Mark.
This is his attempt.
I'm gonna make a crude guess at your weight
by picking you up. Is that alright?
- Yes. - Am I allowed...? OK.
I won't be able to pick you up because I'm not very strong, but...
There we go. So you're quite heavy.
- [Mark] So that... - Not that heavy.
Do you know how many kilograms you weigh?
Yes.
Cool.
I think this is not a bad starting point.
Ah.
Fruit bowl, I think.
I think if we could fit this is in, that should be almost exactly your weight, but...
I'm trying to imagine...
Ten seconds, Mark.
Thanks, mate.
Thank you, Mark. [blows whistle]
I'm pretty happy with that.
I can already think of a better way to approach it, but...
Life's about learning, isn't it?
Thank you, Mark.
[applause]
Mark put a microwave in.
When you're trying to lift a 2013 Russell Crowe off the ground...?
Realistically, he's got to be... 75 microwaves?
Well, thank goodness you could go to your second option,
which was a bunch of bananas.
[laughter]
- Do you want to see Sally and Nish? - Yes, I do, please.
[Alex] OK.
- Can I just have a go? - Yeah, don't be coy.
Just for fun. Oh, my God!
In a good way?
Yeah, in a good way.
To the shed!
[she strains] There we go.
I've found a bag of sand!
[he strains]
Still not enough weight.
- For decoration. - I see, I see.
I think that's about right.
- You think I weight a tyre, a roller... - A steamroller. Plastic banana.
[both] Two lemons and fire extinguisher.
Something like that, yeah.
[Nish strains]
[Nish squeaks]
OK, you're done.
I'm done.
[Nish huffs]
[whistle blows]
Thank you, Nish.
[applause]
Nice to see two people using their brains.
A roller. Nice heavy thing.
Yeah.
[Alex] Next up, Bob.
We can see somebody who is using physics to his advantage.
Here we go.
It's kind of the basic caveman approach.
I don't know if there's some science involved.
Can I move this?
I think that will balance Alex.
[applause]
Did you always know you were going to use physics?
'Cause when you brought that plinth out,
you were handling it with some ease,
so you obviously knew that that wasn't Alex.
No, it was the only thing I saw that had that vaguely human shape,
so I thought that was a starting point,
and then I saw the things underneath the swing.
[Alex] Mm-hm.
And you knew that was part of it, do you know what I mean?
Oh, I do, Bob. Yeah.
[laughter]
I mean, I won't say whether or not it worked, but it was the right idea.
[laughter]
Right, we'll find out how close they came to balancing Alex after the break.
So let's have one. Now.
Hello and welcome back to what is broadly known as part two.
Alex, remind us about the whole seesaw thing.
I'll give it a go. They were trying to balance me, the bandana guy,
using whatever they could find.
We'll see how they got on in a second,
but first, we haven't seen Aisling Bea,
so we're gonna her different approach right now.
Let me just give a feel of you, just to test.
Oh, Jesus! God, you're heavy, Alex!
- Thank you. - Oh, my God!
We're gonna have to think outside the box here, Alex.
I'll be back in a minute. I'm back off to the shed!
I'm actually going to harness the box down.
So what I'm doing is, I'm tying...
Does anyone here have a car?
I've got a car.
OK, can you get your car?
Right down, keep coming.
So I'll need a bit more slack from you, Alex.
Straight back.
Straight back. Keep reversing.
There we go. Yeah, I think I'm done.
Stop the clock!
[blows whistle] Thank you, Aisling.
You're welcome, Alex.
[applause]
Pretty sweet idea, I'd say.
It's not cheating, as far as I'm concerned.
Where did you trap the rope? How...?
We tied it around the middle part 'twixt two windows.
Because the strongest part of a car is famously the window, isn't it?
[laughter]
What are we gonna see now, Alex?
Well, we'll see how these four got on first.
So I got on the other end after they'd left.
- [Alex] And, uh... - [Aisling chuckles]
We'll see if any of them could balance the bandana guy. Here we go.
[laughter]
[audience] O-o-o-oh!
[laughter]
[applause]
That last moment was ecstatic.
I thought the bandana guy was going to get extremely hurt.
[laughter]
Did I do fine in that?
[Alex] You did fine. I've got the results, so...
Mark put three stone in the other half.
20% of me.
The equivalent of my biceps and stomach muscles,
which are small.
Bob, it was the right idea, but unfortunately,
you would've had to have put it back by about another three metres.
Ah.
You only actually put 32 kilograms' weight
on that side, but I weigh 89 kilograms.
That was just over a third this time.
Sally... Not too bad, eight stone.
56% of me. All my blood, liquid and lymph system.
[laughter]
[Alex] But Nish, you did pretty well.
[Greg] Oh, that's never been said on the entire show, has it?
Nope. First time for everything.
You managed to balance my chest, back, abdomen and head.
70% of me with ten stone on the other side.
So it wasn't balanced, but it was pretty good.
Oh, wow!
[cheers and applause]
So Aisling attached me to a 220-stone Ford C-MAX.
- [laughter] - Oh-ho-ho-ho!
It went like this.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Absolutely amazing.
I mean, what I couldn't do was weigh what Aisling put on the other end,
so it's up to you to judge how you think she did.
Well, I think that you have to give credit for technique sometimes.
[Greg] Here we go. Ready?
Mark's in last place.
[Alex] Mark, one point.
Bob, two points.
You were gonna give points for technique, but yeah, fine.
[laughter]
Aisling, great technique. Horrific, stretchy washing-line outcome.
- I'll write all that down. - That is often how I'm described in bed.
[laughter]
It felt like Sally came very close to a balance,
but, unbelievably, Nish Kumar comes first.
[Alex] Congratulations, Nish.
[cheers and applause]
[Aisling] Nishi!
Jesus Christ. We're not your friend.
[laughter]
Are the scores balanced after that, Alex?
Not quite.
[laughter]
They don't look balanced because at the right-hand side of the scales,
for the first time, is Nish Kumar.
[Nish] Oh, yes!
[applause]
Next, please. Something nice and creative, Alex.
OK, this one will give you the opportunity
to experience first-hand what it's like being one of these people.
Is this some kind of booby trap, Alex?
Hello!
[dramatic music plays]
[Nish] Oh, Jesus.
Here it comes.
Aha!
Ow! Oh, fuck!
Be very careful.
"With this camera strapped to your head..."
"record the most incredible footage."
"You have ten minutes to plan your footage
and ten minutes to record it."
"Your time starts now."
So I've got to strap this thing to my head and make some kind of movie?
[Alex] Yeah.
What would be good is if something
incredible was happening around here, like...
Obama strolled by.
I feel like I should do a skydive or something.
I have a plan.
I'm not gonna have a poo.
- You're not gonna have a poo? - I'm not going to, but...
- I'll rule that out. - That's my first port of call.
Well, I'm not rejecting that, if all else fails.
- [laughter] - That's what you're getting.
[applause]
It's often our contestants' initial impulses
that are a real window into the soul, I find.
[Greg] Bob.
Yeah.
[laughter]
What's gonna be so incredible about that?
Do you do some classics?
Well, funny you should ask, because I have a little problem
which means my, um, anus is too high.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [laughter] - For example...
- You would sit like this. - [Greg] I would.
Yes? I have to approach it this way.
I have to reverse or it will all just go
over the back of the seat of the toilet.
[laughter]
I mean, I personally think they should reverse the toilet.
- [laughter] - You're like this on the toilet.
You'd have a little shelf.
[laughter]
So, all I was thinking, Greg,
was that if I got a shot of it in profile,
- you would be astounded. - Oh, my God.
Especially if it was one of the quicker days.
[laughter]
- Do you know what I mean? - [Greg] Yeah!
OK, well, thanks very much.
Yeah, let's...
Let's, er...
I mean, let's see what Mark did for a bit,
just so that we can try and forget Bob's anus.
So we're looking for one of those exciting point-of-view films.
This is what Mark did.
- [motorbike revs] - [Mark screams]
No, stop!
Argh!
Oh!
Whoa! Argh!
Argh! Oh!
Argh!
Argh! Stop!
[Mark] Yeah.
- You alright? - Yeah, that was...
Just a bit nerve-wracking watching that.
[laughter and applause]
I mean, the thing that strikes me about that
is that you did still seem quite scared.
[laughter]
For somebody like me, even watching that on YouTube
is not a pleasant experience, yeah.
[laughter]
I have to say, sitting there with about eight people looking at you,
going, "Argh! Argh!" when you're not doing the thing,
you do feel sort of a bit of a prick, yeah.
[laughter]
Um, who's next?
We're gonna see Aisling. Here it is.
Oh, no.
Oh, here I am, enjoying a lovely relaxing day with my cat
while my child is out safe in school.
[imitates phone ringing]
- [dramatic music starts] - Hello?
Is this Spoony Neeson?
I have your daughter. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
I will hunt you down.
You tell me what you saw!
OK, fine!
I have to find my daughter.
Oh, God.
I wish I had real hands.
[laughter]
Not so quickly, Spoony Neeson.
Where's my money, or I kill the child.
- [dramatic music] - [grunting]
[muffled scream]
Yeah!
Let's get out of here!
[cheers and applause]
Really bad.
I apologise to the people of Northern Ireland.
I was absolutely gripped.
[Greg] Who's next?
Two good ones so far.
It's Bob. He may or may not have...
[laughter]
done what he threatened to do.
Here is Bob Mortimer's film.
Fingers crossed, everyone.
[laughter]
[Bob grunts]
Hmm... Oh... Ugh... Cheesy.
[guttural noises]
Ugh... Oh... Ugh... Cheesy.
[confused grunting]
- Agh. - Ugh?
Ugh?
Argh?
[confused grunting]
[laughter]
[he grunts]
[cheers and applause]
How quickly we forget even the idea
of Bob pooing out of his lower back.
Part two has been completed at our end.
Now we'll have a little rest,
and prepare yourselves for what's coming after the break.
Hello, world.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
I'm just going to hand over to Alex Horne now,
to bring you up to speed. Alex Horne?
No.
I've actually decided, genuinely, I am banning bandana man.
- [audience] Aww. - The phrase or the person?
I am...
No, I'm gonna let you keep the bandana for now,
but if you call yourself bandana man again, I will physically attack you.
[laughter]
Yes, before the break, the competitors have been
trying to make the best point-of-view footage film.
We've seen mountain-biking,
a utensil-based version of the film Taken,
and Bob Mortimer's head housed in a box of curly cheese puffs,
which I just said to avoid saying the brand name Wotsits.
- [laughter] - Nish Kumar...
Nish Kumar is up next.
If you win this task, you will be well clear of the pack.
Let's see how you did.
YES!
[applause]
[quietly] What is it? Is it self-sabotage?
[laughter]
Do you want this or not?
[Nish] I just thought it would be great--
You were doing well in this one for the first time.
Yeah, I know, but I thought it'd be really impressive if I did a whole sudoku.
Yeah, but we've checked it and you weren't even doing the sudoku properly.
[laughter]
Just try and pull yourself up by the bootstraps.
Give it a go. Really have a go at the show.
[laughter]
You're not a bad guy, Nish.
- [Nish laughs] - [laughter]
Nish Kumar's attempt there, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause]
Who's next?
- Sally Phillips is next. - Oh!
Ready?
- [ethereal music] - [heartbeat pulsing]
[laughter]
[squelching noises]
[laughter]
[squelching noises]
[he wails]
[he cries and sobs]
[cheers and applause]
Not in my most awful nightmares...
have I seen such a horrific, disturbing...
He borrowed my knickers. You borrowed my knickers, didn't you?
I was wearing Sally's flesh-coloured knickers.
[laughter]
Well, it was either that or get your knacks out, wasn't it?
- So I helped you... - Get your...?
Well, I don't know what you call them.
We call them my knacks.
[laughter]
He calls them his bandana guys.
We did s--
[laughter]
It's OK, it's just if other people say it, I will still attack Alex.
[laughter]
It was a sort of nature shoot.
At the end of nature shoots, quite often you see sort of behind the scenes
footage of how the cameramen or women went to the length they did.
We can see a couple of shots from the shoot.
- [Alex] That was... - [laughter]
[Alex] The proper director there, a proper director.
And then the moment of birth. How close she had to get to my face.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- That is absolutely incredible. - Amazing.
Absolutely remarkable.
You're gonna have to score those films.
[Greg] OK.
This is what I'm gonna do.
Um, I don't think anyone's gonna disagree with me.
I'm gonna give Nish one point.
And put him in last place.
I genuinely cannot separate, um...
Bob, Aisling and Mark.
I thought they were all spectacular, beautiful films.
But because it was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen,
I'm going to obviously give the big win to Sally Phillips.
Five points to Sally, four to the other three. Fine.
- Four, five, one. OK. - [applause]
Onwards, and quickly.
OK, yes, please.
You know, Greg, sometimes in this show,
occasionally, we set someone a sneaky task.
And the others don't do it.
- This happened to Mark last week. - [Greg] Yeah.
Occasionally, it goes wrong.
Occasionally, we set a task to one person and it backfires.
And that happened to the person in this task, and also to us.
This is what happened.
- [laughter] - No-o-o!
"Have your photo taken with this golden pineapple in other esteemed company."
"Best portfolio of pineapple photos wins."
"You have six months."
"Your time... starts... now."
Start the clock, Alex.
[applause]
Take a photo of the pineapple...
[both] ...in esteemed company
for six months, and so we gave Aisling the pineapple, we thought,
"This'll be fun, she's gonna have to carry a pineapple with her for six months."
You didn't carry it around with you, did you, Aisling?
Well, to me, the most esteemed company I know is my lovely mother.
So I posted the fucking pineapple to Ireland,
to my mother.
- Helen. - Helen.
And my mother has spent six months going round our town, Kildare,
photographing the pineapple with her iPad
that she barely knows how to use, Alex.
I know. Do you want to see one of the photos?
- Oh, my poor mammy. - She started off with this.
[Alex] In esteemed company.
[laughter]
[Aisling] We're from a horse- racing community.
This is a blacksmith making a horseshoe
with the Taskmaster pineapple nearby.
Another one here.
Well, two here, actually. One religious, one horse-based.
[laughter]
Oh my God. My poor mother.
There's still many more, but I've made a little montage of a few of the others.
[laughter]
[Sally] Is that a real life-size jockey statue? In your home?
No, it's a real jockey on pretend horses, where they learn how to ride.
- And my mother... - [Sally] How to what?
How to... How to ride the horses.
[laughter]
And if a boyfriend of mine passes three months and makes it to Ireland,
my mother brings him back and puts him on
one of those simulator horses to see how fast he can go.
She wants to vet him to see if he'll be good enough at sex for you?
Yeah, well, that's... That's what it appears to be.
[laughter]
Good to know that Helen vets them in such a precise manner.
[laughter]
I think that, for several reasons, we should have a round of applause for Aisling's mum.
[cheers and applause]
Next one?
Next one.
OK, this is a task for everyone,
except for Helen.
[laughter]
Hi, Alex.
[Alex] Hello, Mark.
Well, a cupcake, of course.
Cupcake? Oh, yes.
Hey, Alex. What's up?
[Alex] What do you mean?
What's going on with you in your life?
- Oh, we're doing Taskmaster. - Oh, yeah.
I'll just, um...
Ooh!
"Using this flame, light the candle in the caravan."
"The fastest wins."
I understand this. And my time starts...
"Also, please don't say any words containing
any of the letters in the word Taskmaster."
So no As, no Ss, no Ts.
"Your time starts now."
So I've got to get this out to the caravan?
[applause]
Nish fulfilling his contractual obligation to restate the task.
I do need to say, also, obviously the last instruction,
not using the letters from the word Taskmaster,
that was only for Mark. So...
[laughter]
Is that really the case?
That everyone else was allowed to just say normal words?
- [Alex] Oh, they could say any words. - [laughter]
Are you ready for the first attempt?
[Greg] Sure.
So I guess this, Alex, is all about being...
- Patient. - Mm-hm.
- Calm. - Mm-hm.
- Planning a strategy. - Yes.
It's a small candle. No one's just gonna pick it up and...
No.
- just gallop out the room, are they? - Doubt it.
- Do you wanna watch Aisling Bea? - Yeah.
- Off we go. - [laughter]
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
Oh!
It's already gone.
- [laughter] - Can I...
Can I relight the fire?
No, it says use that flame.
I've got nine minutes left.
No, no, no. You took nine seconds.
- [laughter] - To what?
To... destroy your chance.
- Surely not! - Yes.
This is a real shame.
[applause]
It's great. I mean, I sort of admire that you thought,
"Fuck it, I'm gonna run at the door, let's see what happens."
Did anyone take a more measured approach than Aisling?
Oh, yes, everyone. We're gonna see...
[laughter]
Nish and Sally now.
If this goes out, there's no re-lighting it, is there?
[Alex] Don't think so.
[he groans] This is gonna be so hard.
[whispers] God.
Easy does it.
It's like defusing a bomb, but the opposite.
Augh!
The fan!
- [applause] - [Alex] That's clever.
Oh, no.
- Oh, is it raining? - Yeah.
It's a fail.
- What happened? - It's a fail. I dropped the bell jar on the cake.
Oh, no, the bubbles!
Easy does it.
Oh, you bubbly fuck!
[laughter]
The candle's gone out!
[laughter]
The candle went out 'cause I said "bubbly fuck".
[laughter and applause]
It was literally "bubbly fuck" that put the candle out. It's amazing.
If you look in the slow-motion replay, the candle reacted to the swearing.
It is... It was incredible.
Here, watch it one more time.
Easy does it.
Oh, you bubbly fuck!
- [laughter and applause] - The candle's gone out!
[slow-mo] Oh, you bubbly fuck!
[laughter]
[slow-mo] The candle's gone out!
[laughter]
[he laughs]
It's such a spectacular way to bow out.
[laughter]
Bubbly fuck!
I mean, Sally just dropped a jar on her cake. Easy.
[laughter]
Time to blow the candle out on part three.
See you soon for more fire in part four.
Hello and welcome back to the final part of the show.
Yes, and hello to everyone watching us on Google Earth.
[laughter]
So we're mid-task, and this one was all about protecting
the Taskmaster candle, so-called because of its short fuse.
Ready for the next one?
[cheers and applause]
Here's Bob!
And my time starts...
now.
[he sings a Gregorian chant]
[laughter]
Whoa.
Is it locked?
Yeah, that's locked. That is locked.
I ain't got much time left.
[Alex] There's a hook by the pigeonholes.
[Alex] Got your flame?
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I've stopped the clock, Bob.
[applause]
Oooh!
[applause]
Just goes to show you, even if there's something wrong with your bum,
- you can do some things really well. - [laughter]
- So, it's Mark's turn now. - [Mark] Oh dear.
[Greg] Aww.
So, remember, he's not allowed to say any of the letters from the word Taskmaster.
But presumably he'll have lots of other words at his disposal.
So let's see how he did.
"Your time starts now."
[Alex] What are you thinking, Mark?
Fiddly.
How?
Fiddly.
V fiddly.
- [Mark laughs] - What's wrong, Mark?
How?
- How's your candle, Mark? - That's gone.
It's gone. It's gone.
- It's gone? - Yeah.
- [Aisling] Aww. - [Alex] I'm so sorry. Yeah.
- Oh, Mark! His little face. - [applause]
Was it a total disaster, though, or...?
I mean, he kept his candle alight longer than anyone else.
Longer than Bob's. Your candle was alight for three minutes and 45 seconds.
But all he did was stagger with the candle, trying to think of words.
- This is the problem. - [laughter]
The word thing was a problem, certainly.
All I could really think of was "fiddly".
- [laughter] - Yeah.
In a way, that was the only word I needed, because it was bloody fiddly.
It's up to you to give scores.
I should say, Bob's, it was the most exciting thing I've ever seen.
It doesn't look it - and I've seen an argument in a café - that was...
[laughter]
That was brilliant, so I guess he's won,
but I don't know if you want to distribute points amongst the others.
[Greg] I do. Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give Mark four points.
- [everyone] Aww! - Second place?
I'm gonna give him second place, because in many ways,
you became the physical embodiment
of The Bangles' 80s hit, "Eternal Flame".
[laughter]
Sally almost made it, with her Florence Nightingale bell-jar steadiness.
Three points to her.
Hmm, yeah.
Old Bubbly Fuck.
I'm tempted to give you more than two points,
but I'm not going to.
[laughter]
I'm only gonna give you two.
And obviously, Aisling, you know, she ran at it,
and you've got to admire a girl for that. One point.
OK, there we go. So, Bob Mortimer wins the task!
[cheers and applause]
Do you want to see the scores before the final task?
Yes, please, I do.
So Bob's in the lead, and then Sally Phillips. There we go.
[Greg] OK.
[cheers and applause]
It's time to head to the stage now, please, for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Now we're talking.
Those are outfits.
What's happening? Who's reading the task out, Alex?
- Bob Mortimer today. - [Greg] Good.
- There's your task. - Thank you.
"Make yourself monotone."
"Most monotone after 100 seconds wins."
So I will say, it's from the shoulders down.
And you're not allowed to just remain white.
- [Nish] From this point? - [Mark] From here down.
Yeah, they are your shoulders.
- [laughter] - Good luck. Your time starts now.
[blows whistle]
You've put the powder on.
[laughter]
[Alex] No, it's not rolled on.
[Greg] Mark's very much concentrating on the genital areas.
[laughter]
So degrading.
What's your tactic, Bob, with the loo roll?
I'm painting myself blue.
And your ankles?
- Eh? - Ankles?
- Fuck that. - OK.
[laughter]
Forty-five seconds to go.
Oh, shit and piss!
Just to confirm, fully grown adults, ladies and gentlemen.
Five...
- [Nish] Oh, no! No, no, no! - Four, three, two, one...
[whistle blows]
Could you stand up, please?
[cheers and applause]
And now, if you'd like to join me down here,
we'll see who's made themselves the most monotone
and see how that affects the final scores of the show!
[applause]
Very impressive monochroming going on.
Alex, talk me through everything in detail, but keep it brief.
[Alex] OK.
We can see them all from the front. It was very impressive.
I mean, they were all pretty well covered.
It came down to looking at their backs, and...
[Nish] Oh my God.
- [Nish] Bea, that's insane! - [Mark] Amazing.
Yeah, so you have scored it really according to that back picture.
You've put Nish in last place 'cause he's just wearing a yellow belt.
[laughter]
Then it goes Bob and Mark. Sally on the right's come second,
but obviously, the winner was Aisling Bea!
[cheers and applause]
- So... - Yes.
- The final scores for this show. - Yes.
It's the familiar story at one end of the leaderboards.
Come on, Nish!
- [laughter] - No, you're there. You're on there.
- I'm on there? - Yeah, you're last.
- Happy to be included. - [laughter]
At the other end, exciting news. It's a tie!
[everyone gasps]
A tie-break. Our second of the series.
Alex, please fix this mess.
I will, Greg.
We thought the best way to sort most things out is with yoghurt,
so we popped a target on a wall.
We wanted to see who could get the most yoghurt
near the middle with one good kick.
[laughter]
We're gonna see the yoghurt tie-break now.
For me, look out for Bob wearing a hat which looks tremendous on him.
Ah, thank you so much.
[Alex] We all wanna do this.
Of course you do.
Can I move it?
[Alex] Well, I mean, does it say you can't?
No, it doesn't say I can't.
[she laughs]
[laughter]
Nowhere near.
This is the attempt, is it?
- This is the attempt. - Good luck.
[laughter]
Yeah, just that bit there, I think.
[applause]
Did either of them get any yoghurt on the target whatsoever?
[Alex] It's not ideal, this, 'cause I don't know who won.
It's whether or not a pot of yoghurt is yoghurt.
- Yes, of course it is. - So a yoghurt hit the target...
- Oh, I see, yeah. - but yoghurt didn't hit the target.
Oh, it's really tough.
Am I allowed to ask the audience?
- No! I mean... - [man] Yeah!
[laughter]
Maybe I'll ask that guy with the really petrifying laugh in the front row.
Seems fair, doesn't it?
Sally or Bob?
[man] Bob.
Congratulations, Sally is the winner of...
[laughter and applause]
Sally is tonight's worthy winner. Please go and collect your goods!
OK, before we see Sally celebrate,
what's the series score, please, Alex?
It's incredibly close. We've got Sally on 97,
Aisling on 99, Bob and Mark both on 104.
And Nish is... Nish is playing as well.
- We're all playing. Going for it. - [laughter]
Right, that's the end of the show. Give me that bandana.
[quietly] Oh, God.
You don't need it, mate.
You're fine without it.
Oh.
[laughter and applause]
So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt if you ever find yourself next to Bob Mortimer at a urinal,
think twice before you put your bag on the floor.
[laughter]
We've also learnt that when it comes to winning episode six,
Sally Phillips is the only person for the job!
Big old clap-clap to her and goodbye to you! Goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]