-Morning. -Morning.
Cream cheese tomato.
If only you weren't happily married with four kids, Mario.
All right.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Still pregnant?
What are you up to?
The usual.
Having a lovely day in the park studying.
How are you gonna get my kids some goddamn cousins
if you're always sitting on a bench alone?
I'm not alone.
Look at all of these hot prospects.
Check out that one with the green head.
Bet he's got a big dick. Like one of those long, twisty ones.
That is very dark.
Are you still on the apps at least?
I am.
And?
It's slim pickings.
The last guy brought me to a comedy club to watch him do stand-up.
That was the date.
Just move back home. I bet the dating pool's better here.
I think it's just the sad reality of dating in your 30s.
If a guy's still single,
there's either something wrong with him or he's got baggage. I don't know--
Why are we talking about dating?
Who cares? I wanna hear about you and the kids.
The kids are fine. They're--
And there's your answer.
Bye. Meltdown mode. Gotta go. Bye.
What are you lookin' at?
What do you want? Filet mignon?
Sure. You got some?
-What? -I'll take medium rare.
The fuck is happening?
That's a joke. Ducks don't eat steak.
We don't love crusty bagels either, just FYI.
What ya reading?
An MCAT study book.
It's…
to prepare for a test that you have to take if you--
I know what the MCATs are. I'm a duck, not a dumbass.
What kind of doctor you wanna be?
Maybe a cardiologist. My dad died of heart disease.
Why am I telling you this?
Sorry for your loss. That must've been rough.
I do have a giant penis, by the way.
Spiky, too.
What?
Just to answer your question.
Were you listening to me?
You come here every day and publicly FaceTime your sister.
It's kind of hard not to.
I'm Larry.
Elisa.
So why do you think your sister's so obsessed with your dating life?
I think she's just lonely.
And she wants us to share an experience.
Or she's internalized the patriarchy so much
that she believes your only value is in relation to men.
You're a feminist duck?
Well, one male duck in a pond of lady ducks.
You think I had a choice?
Holy fuck!
Put your dog on a fucking leash, asshole. Read the signs.
Same time tomorrow?
Gary! Gary!
Excuse me. Hi. Sorry to bother you.
I'm from Animal Control.
You haven't by any chance seen a cattle dog around off leash?
Answers to the name Gary?
Oh, yeah, actually. Yesterday. I haven't seen him today though.
Ah, shit.
That's a bummer.
But, thanks though.
It's just-- Big storm's coming, so, you know,
I really hope that I can find him and get him inside before it hits.
Me too.
I hope that you stay safe and dry.
I will.
If I'm inside a house.
Take care.
Classy.
Using dogs as an excuse to talk to women.
Hi, again.
You came back.
I did.
I mean, I come here every day,
so… here I am again.
I brought you something.
Corn and grapes.
Did you Google me?
No. That would be so weird.
How's your sister?
Fine. It's hard to tell.
I called her last night,
and I got a 30-minute diatribe about preschools.
Sometimes I think motherhood is just socially sanctioned narcissism,
but you can't say that out loud, obviously.
Well, you just did.
Yeah. I don't know why I did that. I love my sister.
She's great.
Food for thought, since you're feeding me.
Okay.
You seem to be very concerned with being polite.
-I'm not. -Maybe you should trust your instincts.
Maybe your sister is a narcissist.
She talks about herself and her kids. She never asks anything about you.
Oh, that's not true. She asks, like, a lot of questions.
About your shitty dating life
so she can feel better about herself in comparison.
She ask about anything else?
She's busy.
Tell her to stop minding your life for her own amusement.
Any other observations?
Yeah. You've read the same chapter in that MCAT book, like, 20 times,
so it seems like you're either distracted
or you don't really feel like studying these days.
You hear about that storm coming?
Did you just recycle that guy's pickup line?
That was gross.
-I'm sorry. -No, no, no. It's cute.
Can I ask you a personal question?
What do ducks do in the rain?
Those idiots over there, they love it.
I usually just hide under that bench, try not to freeze to death.
Not that I'm complaining.
You gonna invite me in or what?
-Wow. -Sorry.
I don't have a lot of people over.
No, I like the whole vibe.
Little piles of mail, little piles of clothes,
little piles of shoes, little piles of cords.
My aesthetic is dorm room meets flophouse.
Come on. It's charming.
I mean, I don't get invited into many apartments.
It's just I haven't done anything to make it nicer.
I spent a month thinking about doing an accent wall,
but then I went to the Benjamin Moore website
and I got really overwhelmed.
Come on. Pull the trigger. Live your life in Technicolor, baby.
Maybe you're the long-lost third Property Brother.
Who are the Property Brothers?
I can't stop watching these guys.
I know!
Look, they improved that very sad kitchen. I will give them that.
Ten bucks, the husband cries.
I don't have any money, but you're on in theory.
Oh, shit.
No, it's a formula.
The-- The macho, skeptical husband gets all emo
when they get rid of his leather couch
and they replace it with old family photos and a sectional.
Wow. You know it all.
I have very specialized knowledge.
Do you want dessert?
I'm not saying no. This is really great.
I mean, you're really great.
You say that to all the girls who kidnap you in their bike baskets.
You're sure you wanna sleep in the bath?
Why? You inviting me to sleep in your bed?
I'm an asshole, not a degenerate.
How warm do you like it?
Room temp.
So I know you like piles of things,
but what's the deal with the posters everywhere?
I worked on a political campaign.
I moved out here, and…
I don't know if you follow politics.
It's hard to be politically engaged when you can't vote.
That's actually what we were working on. Voter turnout.
Anyway. My candidate lost,
and now I'm stuck out here in Denver trying to put my life back together.
-And did it work? -What?
Filling the void.
No. But it did distract me for a bit.
Kinda like joining a cult.
Oh, but then you were like, "Fuck politics! I wanna be a doctor."
Oh, does it sound schizophrenic?
No, no. Just sounds like you're on a journey.
I think I can help more people being a doctor
than I can working as a policy wonk.
Well, that's very other-directed of you.
What is that?
It means you think a lot about other people,
even to the detriment of your own happiness,
from what I can tell.
Are you always this perceptive?
Honestly, it's a gift and a curse.
No, it's really refreshing.
I go on all these dates.
And I'm not kidding, these guys either ask boring, cursory questions
or they talk about themselves.
It's like there's no back-and-forth.
I don't envy that.
Do you ever get that feeling, like…
is it me?
'Cause all these guys that I go out with,
they feel like the rotten fruit at the supermarket,
like they're clearly defective.
But then I'm like…
"Wait, am I defective too and I just can't see it?"
From what I can tell, there's nothing wrong with you.
Well, you don't know me.
I know you're a pretty cool chick who deserves more than you think you do.
I think this is ready.
Good, 'cause I'm freezing on this toilet.
Well, how about a hand?
Oh, you dick!
Gotcha.
Hey, wanna get in?
You know, to get warm.
-I'd be naked. -I'm naked. That's a double standard.
You sure I can't help?
No, I told you it's a surprise!
It's everything we ate
on our first date that we didn't really know was a date.
Except fancier versions.
Like, instead of a bagel…
…I made this sourdough.
Why would I eat that?
Not joking.
Wait, what?
How many times do I have to tell you I don't like bread?
I thought that was just bagels.
No, it's all bread. No ducks like bread.
You should never feed a duck bread.
In fact, it can expand in our stomachs and kill us.
I guess that didn't show up in your Google search.
-Larry. -What?
-What's wrong? -Nothing's wrong.
Just being honest.
And you could stand to lay off the carbs yourself. Just saying.
Hey.
I'm a dick.
No shit.
Can I--
You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I'm terrified of losing you, obviously.
So I self-sabotage, obviously. And I hate myself for it.
But I love you.
-You do? -Of course I do.
That's part of what's making me so crazy.
You've got a temper.
You should meet my dad.
I don't like it.
I'm not perfect.
I have these impulses that… I can't totally control,
probably biological on some level,
but I-I will work on it, okay? For you.
Can I sit with you? I just-- I-- I'd like to be close to you.
That's good.
-Sorry. It's Lili. -You can take it.
Are we okay?
'Cause this backyard is a palace.
And you are my queen.
What you thinking about? You-- Fuck.
You want to take me back to the park. I knew it.
I think we need a water feature.
Like a little fountain. Like a bubbler. Something soothing.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Where the hell have you been?
Hi to you too.
You've declined all my calls for, like, the last week. What if I was giving birth?
-Oh, my God. I didn't even think of that. -Are you okay?
I'm okay. I'm…
I met someone.
Oh, my God. That's great.
Is it great?
It is, and he is.
It's just--
It's early,
and…
…he's complicated.
-Is he married? -No.
God.
I don't know if I really wanna get into--
No. Okay, okay. It's early. It's new. I get it.
Just know that I'm happy for you.
And that he better know how fucking lucky he is or I'll kick his ass.
Thanks, Lil.
Gonna check your cervix now.
-Who is that? Where are you? -I'm at the gyno's,
seeing if this overweight baby is gonna fit through my vagina.
Go. We can talk later.
Larry?
Oh, hi there.
What the fuck?
You said you'd be back soon.
I was only gone a few hours.
I guess we have different definitions of "soon."
You shat all over the apartment.
You left the back door locked, so I couldn't go outside.
What was I supposed to do?
What? No, wait. Don't blame this on me.
I'm not blaming. Just saying.
You're an asshole.
And you like that about me.
You shat all over my MCAT book.
I shat all over everything. I mean, I wouldn't read into it.
Oh, I'm-- I'm reading into it? I'm crazy?
This doesn't mean anything?
Hey, you said it, not me.
Hey.
What are we doing?
What are you talking about?
It's unhealthy.
Who cares about healthy? Healthy's boring.
Healthy isn't exhausting.
This is exhausting.
Do you trust me?
-Right now, honestly, not really. -That's fair.
Why?
Well, I want to try something, and if it doesn't work,
you never have to speak to me again.
Okay?
But I need you to trust me at least for the next hour.
-Fine. -Good.
Take off your pants and lie down.
Now?
-On the floor? -Well, it's clean.
Isn't it?
You have done so much for everyone else.
You've done so much for me.
So I just, I wanna do something for you.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck. Fuck.
-Am I too late? -Is that a serious question?
Please! I made a stupid mistake.
Yeah. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to re-register for November.
Wait. That's-- That's three months away.
Who knows if I'm even…
You all right?
Hey. Wasn't today the big day?
How'd it go?
-It didn't. -What happened?
I forgot.
I forgot about the MCATs.
You-- What?
After months of studying…
I fucking blew it.
Babe, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no.
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
How so?
Well, now you have time
to figure out what you really wanna do.
I wanna be a doctor.
Well, you thought you wanted to be in politics too.
You change your mind a lot. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I feel like crawling into a hole.
Well, I will crawl into that hole with you, okay?
You order takeout already?
Hello?
Jesus Christ. You haven't called or texted me back in a month!
I thought you died!
What are you doing here?
I am so fucking pregnant,
and I drove all day in this heat wave
to find out what the hell is going on with you.
Now let me in and just--
and give me a glass of water.
Just-- just wait. I'll be right down.
-Give me one sec. -Is he there?
No. I'm coming down. One second.
I'm gonna go out for a few hours.
You know I get anxious when you leave for that long.
My sister's downstairs,
and I can't let her in, so I'm--
Why not?
Hey! Why not?
You don't even like your sister.
That's not true.
Don't lie to yourself. That's why you moved out here.
To get away from her and her judgment.
I'm just trying to get out of the house.
So now you're ignoring me.
I'll warm up some food for you.
-Don't play dumb. -I'm not.
Dumb bitch.
-That's not funny. -I'm not joking.
-Don't call me that. -Then don't act like one.
I'm going out for a few.
Don't shit on everything while I'm gone.
What the fuck?
I'm bleeding.
I'm sorry you cut yourself.
You cut me.
I'm sorry you see it that way.
Scallion pancakes look good.
What happened to your face?
What?
I cut myself.
Honey, can we figure out what we wanna order in a sec?
I'm really worried about you.
I told you that I'm fine. You don't need to parent me.
Listen, I'm happy you found someone.
But a good boyfriend doesn't keep you from your life.
He's not keeping me from my life, Lili.
He's keeping me from you, and that's been better for me.
You're always pressuring me to date.
And asking about the future.
I just want you to figure out what makes you happy.
But see, even the way that you just said that.
Maybe I am happy.
Well, good. Someone should be.
You're not happy?
Of course not.
This baby was an accident.
I mean, Andrew and I barely have sex, so it was a real fucking shock.
And whatever, she'll get here, and I'll love her.
But I was really hoping to get my body back.
And my life back.
I missed the MCATs.
What? Why?
I don't think that I'm cut out to be a doctor.
What are you talking about?
I change my mind all the time.
I'm constantly questioning my choices.
I can barely take care of myself.
What makes me think I'm qualified to care for anybody else?
What? No, that's insane.
You're one of the smartest, most caring people I know.
When Dad was sick, you were there every step of the way,
asking all the right questions, way more than I was.
'Cause I was single and super codependent with him.
No. Because you're a good person.
You're a great person.
Did he put that idea in your head?
Look, if this guy is making you feel like shit,
I swear to God, I will come over there and fucking murder him,
and they can put my pregnant ass in prison. I'm not kidding.
No. Let's just order.
Well, please don't go into labor on the drive home.
Well, if I do, it'll be your fault.
I love you.
Answer your phone.
Thanks so much for coming…
-Elisa? -…I didn't know who else to call.
Hey, little buddy.
Why the fuck is this bearded dragon here? Who let you in?
Wow, someone's a little angry.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you.
If this condescending twat thinks he can fucking outsmart me…
Elisa? Honey? Elisa. You stupid ugly bitch.
Is it-- Is this your idea? Traitorous whore!
He's got a mouth on him.
Okay, dickhead, get away from me.
-Okay. -Elisa?
Right here. Yes!
Okay.
All set. Time to go.
I'm not leaving. This is-- This is my apartment.
Elisa, I'll fucking kill you!
-Hey. -Hey.
Thanks again.
Oh, yeah. It's my job.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Do I have to pay you?
No. I'm a municipal service. The city pays me.
I wanted to make sure you were all right.
You seemed pretty freaked out in there.
Yeah.
It's been rough with the duck.
Oh, yeah.
They are a weirdly aggressive animal.
You'd think they'd be all cute and cuddly,
but they're actually mean as shit.
Especially the males.
I'm surprised you were able to keep one this long.
It's surprising what you can put up with.
Did you read that article, in The New Yorker, I think?
It was all about duck sex and the patriarchy.
There was some truly mind-blowing stuff in there.
I'm sorry. I'm not a creep or anything. I promise.
I'm just kind of a big science nerd.
-You too? -Yeah.
What?
-You know. Yeah. -Okay! Look, yeah.
When are you taking the MCAT?
Well, so in a few months,
and I'm trying to, like, get my head back in the game.
Do you need a lift down to the park?
I gotta drop that asshole
-back at the pond anyway, so… -No. No.
Look at that little guy, right?
Yeah, I think that I-- I need to be around people.
So I'm gonna find a café.
Well, if you still want a pet after all this, get a dog.
I've got two rescues.
Governor-- It's pronounced "Guv'nor," actually--
and Axel Foley at home, and they are the best.
I don't think
that I wanna take care of another living thing right now.
Except, you know, myself.
Well, I guess if you get into any wild-card animal situation,
you know where to find me.
Or, actually, if you wanna just get a drink.
So I just got out of a thing,
like, five seconds ago.
No, I get it. Too soon.
No worries. All right, well…
Hey, maybe, though,
can I call you in a few months?
Say, after the MCATs?
Unless, I don't know, you've met some nice doctor by then.
Well, I don't need to meet a nice doctor.
'Cause I am the nice doctor.